Grief, bereavement, mourning, loss…

[shapeshifter]

A place to share our feelings of grief and loss.
We are not alone.

[ginger90]

@voiceover

[Laura Holt]

I am coming up the 5th anniversary of losing my sister.  A day does not go by that I don't think of her but I don't cry anymore.  Well mostly.  Sometimes though a chance remark or a song coming on the radio, just anything really, will remind me of her so sharply and it's like the loss was yesterday.

I didn't expect that.  Losing elderly relatives like a grandparent, even family friends, was just not the same as this.   And since we're on a forum dedicate to TV, I have to say TV really let me down.  One episode, at best two, and the dead friend/relative is never mentioned again and life goes on as before.  That is not my reality and I doubt it's anyone else's either!

[shapeshifter]

3 hours ago, Laura Holt said:

I am coming up the 5th anniversary of losing my sister.  A day does not go by that I don't think of her but I don't cry anymore.  Well mostly.  Sometimes though a chance remark or a song coming on the radio, just anything really, will remind me of her so sharply and it's like the loss was yesterday.
I didn't expect that.  Losing elderly relatives like a grandparent, even family friends, was just not the same as this.…

I am fortunate to not have lost someone that close who died too young. 

My mother's mother died of cancer when my Mom was 24 years old and her mother was 47. My Mom lived to 90 and never got over the loss of her mother. Many times she told me that she still thought of her mother every day. 
My Mom passed in 2020, now I think of my mother every day, and often Dad too, who passed in 2015.
But I am aware it is not the same as losing them in youth.

 

3 hours ago, Laura Holt said:

…And since we're on a forum dedicate to TV, I have to say TV really let me down.  One episode, at best two, and the dead friend/relative is never mentioned again and life goes on as before.  That is not my reality and I doubt it's anyone else's either!

An exception to this is the last season (I think) of The Closer.
I did appreciate the realism and sensitivity in the portrayal of Brenda's mother's death, even though it was something I knew I would face in a few years.

Edited October 13, 2023 by shapeshifter

[PRgal]

I've been researching my family history and though I know a decent amount about my father's (male) line due to the family kinship book, I know zilch about any of my other relatives.  I vaguely know a bit about both grandmothers and nothing about my maternal grandfather.  And I only know SOMETHING about my paternal grandmother after her passing earlier this year.  I never got to know her since she lived in Hong Kong.  She didn't talk about her past very much, likely because she was deeply affected by the Pacific War.  My maternal grandparents were too, but my Poh Poh (maternal grandmother) was from Macau, and since it was a Portuguese colony, technically neutral during WWII.  I know she grew up fairly privileged and that her mother had bound feet.  I also know that her father had several wives. But since my paternal grandmother's passing, I feel badly that I never got to know her.  I would have loved to have asked her about her childhood before the war.  I didn't even know that her family owned a newspaper.  I somehow assumed she grew up poor due to her lack of education - it didn't make sense, even in China, for a middle class girl to NOT have finished high school (whereas my maternal grandmother did) in the 1930s/1940s - her older sister even went to grad school.  Or not go to high school at all.  I guess war messes things up.  Or she may have been a concubine's child.  I don't know if this technically counts as grieving, since I didn't even know her that well.  I just don't know what to think.  And I don't know how I can even get access to other kinship books.

Edited October 14, 2023 by PRgal

[Bastet]

5 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

An exception to this is the last season (I think) of The Closer.
I did appreciate the realism and sensitivity in the portrayal of Brenda's mother's death,

Yeah, but that happened with only two episodes left to go in the series, and the death was a key factor in the final storyline (explaining Brenda's decision to leave).  I think what the OP is talking about is the typical scenario where, in the midst of an ongoing show, a character loses someone close to them in order to create one dramatic, sad episode, two at most, and then everything goes back to normal for that character and we never even hear about the dead loved one again for the rest of the series.

5 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

My mother's mother died of cancer when my Mom was 24 years old and her mother was 47. My Mom lived to 90 and never got over the loss of her mother.

My maternal grandma was only 64 when she died, my mom in her late thirties, and she has never been the same.  She misses her dad, too, but he lived to 90 and died in his sleep.  I was six when my grandma died, and she was my favorite person in the whole world.  I don't have many memories of my really young self, but everyone says my personality completely changed after she died.  Well, duh.  That's really young for that kind of loss.

[shapeshifter]

On 10/13/2023 at 7:57 PM, Bastet said:

I was six when my grandma died, and she was my favorite person in the whole world.  I don't have many memories of my really young self, but everyone says my personality completely changed after she died.  Well, duh.  That's really young for that kind of loss.

I worry about my little Lambchop going through that with me. He'll be 2 in January. He will likely still have 4 other grandparents nearby (they're 10 years younger than I am), but I probably see him most frequently, and I'm his mother's mother.

ETA:

Thanks at least in part to @Bastet giving voice (typed words) to this issue which had been weighing on my mind for about a year, I brought it up with my daughter yesterday while visiting. She pointed out that she is rearing her son (soon to be 2 sons) with care for mental health. 

I am probably going to sign a lease on a duplex rental on the Erie canal, less than 10 minutes from them, and sell my condo, 30 minutes away.

Edited October 16, 2023 by shapeshifter

[EtheltoTillie]

On 10/13/2023 at 9:08 PM, shapeshifter said:

I worry about my little Lambchop going through that with me. He'll be 2 in January. He will likely still have 4 other grandparents nearby (they're 10 years younger than I am), but I probably see him most frequently, and I'm his mother's mother.

I love that you call him your little Lambchop. 

[oliviabenson]

On 10/13/2023 at 10:24 AM, Laura Holt said:

I am coming up the 5th anniversary of losing my sister.  A day does not go by that I don't think of her but I don't cry anymore.  Well mostly.  Sometimes though a chance remark or a song coming on the radio, just anything really, will remind me of her so sharply and it's like the loss was yesterday.

I didn't expect that.  Losing elderly relatives like a grandparent, even family friends, was just not the same as this.   And since we're on a forum dedicate to TV, I have to say TV really let me down.  One episode, at best two, and the dead friend/relative is never mentioned again and life goes on as before.  That is not my reality and I doubt it's anyone else's either!

I know exactly how you feel about the loss hitting you like a ton of bricks. It’s the little things that kick me in the guts that my mom is gone forever. A week or so ago a lady got on a bus and she looked so much like my mom! I started to cry like a baby. I was so grief stricken/embarrassed.

 

[voiceover]

First of all: my thanks to @shapeshifter for starting this thread for me & all of us, and @ginger90 for summoning me over here.

I was waiting for this discussion to start, but then it did, and — poof! nerves descended.  I couldn’t think of how to write what I wanted to say.  So unlike me! 😬  

But I’m finally here.  I apologize in advance for lack of coherence.  I’ve been feeling like my strands of thought are thorn branches, gnarled together in my hands, and all there is to do is drop them here.

A week ago, my dear friend and boss came home from work to find her fiancé dead.

They’d dated for two years, and moved in together two months ago, then he proposed last month.

Her youngest son adored him; so much so that he’d asked his mother if he could hyphenate S’s last name with theirs and add it to his football jersey.  His biological dad had OD’d six years before (& did it in a place where my friend would be the one to find him), and the 12-year-old was thrilled to have found a new, loving father.

Her oldest daughter adored him.  He’d taught her how to cook, and coaxed her out of her shell.  He’d asked her to choose which of two rings her mother would prefer, then — after the proposal — gave A. the other one, calling it a “promise” to always be there for the family.

And my friend was happier than I’d ever seen her, after more that a decade of struggling single motherhood.

I have a strong faith, and I haven’t stopped believing, but the sheer bloody…awfulness…has left me staggered and stunned.  I’m weeping as I write all this here.

Edited October 17, 2023 by voiceover

[Laura Holt]

I lost my mother last summer and today I am thinking just how final the loss of someone close to you really is.  I woke up feeling blue and and I know it's because my husband is retiring today.  Up to now I've been upbeat about this, seeing only the positives and joking about the downsides (he'll be underfoot all day kind of thing) but anyway I really want to pick up the phone and talk to my mom.

I want to ask her how she felt when my Dad retired.  What was it like for her when one chapter of their life ended and a new one began.  Did she feel blue?  Was she excited?  Why did it never occur to me to ask her things like this at the time? And of course now it's too late.

I guess that's a refrain all of us who have lost someone are always thinking.

[Ancaster]

On 10/16/2023 at 3:29 PM, oliviabenson said:

I know exactly how you feel about the loss hitting you like a ton of bricks. It’s the little things that kick me in the guts that my mom is gone forever. A week or so ago a lady got on a bus and she looked so much like my mom! I started to cry like a baby. I was so grief stricken/embarrassed.

 

Please don't feel embarrassed to cry because of grief.  It doesn't matter what anyone else on the bus thought, in fact I'm sure some of them were sending sympathetic thoughts.  🫂

On 10/16/2023 at 8:15 PM, voiceover said:

First of all: my thanks to @shapeshifter for starting this thread for me & all of us, and @ginger90 for summoning me over here.

I was waiting for this discussion to start, but then it did, and — poof! nerves descended.  I couldn’t think of how to write what I wanted to say.  So unlike me! 😬  

But I’m finally here.  I apologize in advance for lack of coherence.  I’ve been feeling like my strands of thought are thorn branches, gnarled together in my hands, and all there is to do is drop them here.

A week ago, my dear friend and boss came home from work to find her fiancé dead.

They’d dated for two years, and moved in together two months ago, then he proposed last month.

Her youngest son adored him; so much so that he’d asked his mother if he could hyphenate S’s last name with theirs and add it to his football jersey.  His biological dad had OD’d six years before (& did it in a place where my friend would be the one to find him), and the 12-year-old was thrilled to have found a new, loving father.

Her oldest daughter adored him.  He’d taught her how to cook, and coaxed her out of her shell.  He’d asked her to choose which of two rings her mother would prefer, then — after the proposal — gave A. the other one, calling it a “promise” to always be there for the family.

And my friend was happier than I’d ever seen her, after more that a decade of struggling single motherhood.

I have a strong faith, and I haven’t stopped believing, but the sheer bloody…awfulness…has left me staggered and stunned.  I’m weeping as I write all this here.

Thank you for posting this.  My closest friend has also been handed unimaginable tragedy - her mom died totally unexpectedly in her sleep a few years ago aged sixty, her niece fought cancer for years before dying when she a teen about 3 years ago, then last month her only sibling (yes, the mother of her niece) died of cancer within 2 months of diagnosis.  My heart breaks for her and I grieve with her, but I can't begin to imagine her pain.  If my heartache for her is so painful, how can she bear what she has suffered?

[voiceover]

@Ancaster, thinking of you and your friend today.  Holidays — especially the first ones — can be especially rough.

Anyone who’s checking in: so grateful for the opportunity to share my earlier grief and be uplifted by this community.  Bless you all & Happy Thanksgiving.

[Ancaster]

15 minutes ago, voiceover said:

@Ancaster, thinking of you and your friend today.  Holidays — especially the first ones — can be especially rough.

Anyone who’s checking in: so grateful for the opportunity to share my earlier grief and be uplifted by this community.  Bless you all & Happy Thanksgiving.

Thank you @voiceover, and thank you for taking the time to reach out to strangers.  It's good to know that there is more than just grief and hatred in this world.  I am struggling with some mighty issues of my own, but at least in this minute, I can be grateful for the kindness of strangers, the love of my true friends, and a world where, right now, after a gloomy start, the sun is shining.

Hugs and a wish for peace to everyone who is still struggling or suffering.

 

[supposebly]

I'm about to fly to a memorial for my friend's mother who died this weekend last year. She was 96, had dementia and he'd been taking care of her since before the pandemic. It was time but it was still difficult. They were very close, both survivors of an abusive father/husband. She didn't want to have a funeral, so it mainly hit me when I visited this summer and he picked me up without her being there.

She became my "Canadian grandmother" over the years and I consider her, him and his husband my Canadian family. I'm sure it will be sad but also a celebration of her life. I'm almost looking forward to it.

Thank you for this space, thank you all for sharing your grief. You will be in my thoughts while I'm traveling today.

[Bastet]

11 hours ago, supposebly said:

She became my "Canadian grandmother" over the years and I consider her, him and his husband my Canadian family. I'm sure it will be sad but also a celebration of her life. I'm almost looking forward to it.

That's how I feel in general about memorial services that are held after a good bit of time has passed since the death; there are tears, certainly, but it really is more of a celebration of their life because people aren't in the grips of the immediate aftermath of grief. 

My best friend and I have been friends since we were five, and remain part of each other's families, with her mom having truly been like a second mom to me, especially when we were kids.  When her mom died a couple of years ago, it hit me very hard, and the memorial - held about six months later - was a backyard affair with margaritas and a taco truck.  It was just what her mom had requested, and we all truly enjoyed ourselves.  I hope you will have the same experience (well, maybe not with margaritas and tacos, as that's probably not as typical outside of southern California 🙂), and it sounds like you're in the right mood for it.

[shapeshifter]

I just read yesterday's NY Times Opinion Guest Essay "It’s OK to Never ‘Get Over’ Your Grief," nytimes.com/2023/11/25/opinion/grief-mourning-tradition.html (free gift link).

When Dad died, my sister went on an unstoppable campaign to make our mother stop grieving. This was, unsurprisingly, unsuccessful, and, I'm pretty sure, pushed Mom into an abyss of despair into which she just continued to sink until she died 5 years later.
In contrast, when Mom's mother died when Mom was 24 years old, Dad supported her unquestioningly. Mom lived a full and frequently joyful life with Dad for another 63 years. 

Edited November 26, 2023 by shapeshifter

[Yogisbooboo64]

Thanks Shapeshifter for your help regarding this forum....

My mother was a fiercely independent woman; stubborn, with a great smile, lover of The Spinners, potato chips and the original Star Trek series….she also never saw a well-kept beard she didn’t like!

On her own, she raised and grew up with the three of us in the tough Raymond Rosen projects, working for the City of Philadelphia as a File Clerk for 35 years.  She was so skilled with patient files that she was nicknamed ‘Ms. Proficiency’ most of her career; all it took was seeing a patient arrive at the health center for their appointment and she could immediately recite their file number.  I’d like to think she’d still be working if not for Multiple Sclerosis cruelly taking away her ability to memorize and her most favorite passion, walking.

Was she an angel?  Hell no!!  Ma had a mean streak just like her daddy; after she and my father had long broken up and I had done something she didn’t like, she would call me Thomasina.  That name was never a compliment, for my father Thomas was an alcoholic and barely there for us.  When she was at her angriest, she would say she hated me.  Being extremely sensitive to begin with, that was always crushing to what little confidence I had.

In 2003, Ma was diagnosed with MS.  Slowly, it took her mobility; first, the right foot began to drag, then she started to use a walker, then a cane.  Eventually, she went from using an electronic wheelchair to being completely bedridden.  In 2008 she had a rough relapse, which robbed her of her cognitive abilities.  From 2003 to 2023, I was her primary caregiver.  In that time, I painfully watched someone who was always so feisty and strong wither away to a bone thin incontinent woman who needed me for basic daily living.  Being with her in the beginning wasn’t too bad; I was unemployed at the time and with nowhere to go, I cared for her.  I cooked, cleaned, and washed her, even after soiling herself.  In time, I sometimes resented her, as I felt she was consuming my life.  

With Spooky, my spoiled rotten black cat, we lived our lives.  Then, Spooky became ill and passed away in March 2023 while I was at work.  When I came home and found him, I was devastated; I blamed myself for not giving him his daily kiss before leaving.  To this day, I wish I had held him before he took his last breath.  Three days later, Ma was admitted to the hospital for a stage 4 sacral wound.  She went in and out of hospitals and rehab until it was decided to bring her home for hospice.  With a caregiver watching her during the day, I’d check in on her once I got home. 

Sometimes, we’d watch television together, with Dallas as the show of choice.  I’d give a humorous dialogue on the characters, even reciting lines, always to get her to laugh.  During the show, I’d feed her ice cream or sherbet or cold ginger ale.  Before going to bed, I’d kiss her forehead and caress her chin; she would playfully try to bite me when I touched her chin.  As I left the bedroom, I’d tell her I loved her.  In the morning, I’d do the same ritual before leaving for work.

The last time she fully spoke to me was on my birthday, Thursday, November 2nd.  My sister called our caregiver and told her to call me at work and have Ma acknowledge my birthday.  Days before she was in a morphine haze with no appetite, not really speaking, so I was down about that.  When I answered the phone and heard Ma say ‘Happy Birthday’, tears streamed from my eyes; it meant so much to hear her voice, and so clearly. 

Three weeks later, she was gone.  Until my dying day, I will never forget finding her still body and open mouth. 

Two days before her death, I was home due to a knee inflammation.  Most of the day was spent looking after Ma and cleaning.  She wouldn’t accept any food or drink, barely taking in a few spoons of water ice.  I went to the doctors to check on my knee and let Ma know; she said ‘okay’ a few times; those were the last words she ever said to me.  When I returned from the doctor’s, she was sleeping and outside of moaning when washed that afternoon, she slept the rest of the night. 

Friday morning, I did my usual; kissed her forehead and caressed under her chin.  She was still sleeping so I left for work.  The caregiver said she hadn’t eaten or had anything to drink all day.  I was worried and wondered if she was in a low ebb like before.  After work, I went to the market; when I came home to check on her, her breathing was horribly shallow.  I panicked and called the hospice nurse, who suggested that I give her morphine to stop the noisy breathing.  While it did work some, she still made a weird snoring noise.  I told her I loved her and went into the kitchen.  My plan was to put the groceries away then go into the bedroom and play some of her favorite songs while sitting with her.  It was cold and I needed to warm up, so I got into bed for a while.  I left the light on in her room to remind myself to come in with the music.  I ate a bag of potato chips then fell asleep; I slept through the night. 

Saturday, November 18, 2023, I woke up and remembered I was supposed to be in the room with Ma.  I kept rising out of the bed only to fall back asleep.  Around seven-ish, a home health aide called to confirm the time to wash Ma.  I walked into Ma’s room to answer the phone; before doing my daily ritual with her I looked to make sure she was breathing.  I looked and didn’t see any rising up and down; her eyes also weren’t moving.

I panicked and told the aide it looked like she was dead.  I felt her body; her arms and bottom were warm but under her chin was ice cold.  I screamed and tried to awaken her but nothing; she was gone. 

I totally lost it, crying and screaming ‘NO!’ over and over.  I called my sister and could barely explain what happened.  She sent a family text, asking those that were able to come to the house to comfort me.  I immediately became angry with myself; I should have come back and sat with her like I said I would; if only I hadn’t eaten those goddamned potato chips and immediately gone to sleep afterwards; if only I had checked on her when I first got up instead of falling back to sleep.  All those thoughts continue to roam in my head.

The nurse confirmed her dead at 11:05 a.m., yet she likely passed earlier in the morning.  Later, my cousins and Mr. Yogi came and sat with me.  In the afternoon, the funeral home took Ma’s body away.  Just before they placed her in the bag, I snuck in a few final minutes with her.  I held her hand, caressing it, apologizing for not coming in later like I said I would.  I told her how much I loved her and how glad I was that she would finally be back with her mother.  I kissed her on her forehead then went into the kitchen so I wouldn’t see them bringing her out in the body bag.

Since then, everything has been a blur.  Sometimes I forget the simplest shit; I’ve even been lazy in cleaning up my room and pocketbook, two things I’ve always been rigid about.  In a couple of weeks, I must move due to not being able to afford the rent.  And even if I could I’d likely not stay, as there are too many memories; as it is, sometimes when I go into her room I burst into tears.  My sister and Mr. Yogi think I should seek therapy, but I don’t believe in shrinks much because really, will counseling sessions bring her back?

Rest well, Ma.  Now you and your mother are free to walk around gossiping when you aren’t being teased by Uncle and Pop-Pop.  Tell my aunts I said hello.

I love and miss you so much; until we meet again.

Edited December 20, 2023 by Yogisbooboo64

[shapeshifter]

2 hours ago, Yogisbooboo64 said:

will counseling sessions bring her back?

No, but meeting with grief counselors after each of my parents passing was immensely helpful.

Therapy in general does tend to be a mixed bag of results. 
But grief counselors are focused on just that one aspect of well-being.
And although there are many different experiences in grief, having been focused on that one area of therapy in their training and practice does seem to make grief counseling successful and effective.

In both instances when I had grief counseling (both in-person and by video), just a few sessions was truly helpful.

[Yogisbooboo64]

Trying to get an emotional support animal, so I'd have to at least go to a few bereavement sessions.  As I said previously, I don't see the point.

[ebk57]

That's a beautiful tribute to your mother, @Yogisbooboo64.  Thank you for sharing.

When me sister died 2 years ago, I was offered grief counseling.  I didn't take them up on that, but they did contact me a couple more times for the first year, which I appreciated, even if I didn't need to accept.  Don't totally rule it out.  See how the coming months unfold.  It could be helpful - it could be unnecessary. 

All good thoughts to you and your family. 

[shapeshifter]

A poem about grief for this time of year.

Quote

If Christmas is hard,
If you’ve lost someone dear.
Just look in your heart,
And you’ll know they’re still here.

The star in the sky,
The light falling snow.
The robin outside,
It seems like they know.

If this is a time,
When you’re struggling through.
Just do what you can,
For what matters, is you.

There’s no need to be merry,
There’s no need to bright.
Just do what you can,
It will all be alright.

© Lorna Gibson

The original author is Lorna Gibson. Her Instagram page with that and other poems and her illustrations is here: tootsdesign.co.uk/products/if-christmas-is-hard-card

[Yogisbooboo64]

This weekend was rough.

I was watching Yentl, and when Barbra sang Papa, Can You Hear Me? I lost it, 'cause 'Mama' was in place of Papa in my mind.

I sleep a lot during the weekends now, not so painful when you're sleeping.

And yet the tears still remain.

[Gramto6]

On 12/18/2023 at 11:42 AM, Yogisbooboo64 said:

My sister and Mr. Yogi think I should seek therapy, but I don’t believe in shrinks much because really, will counseling sessions bring her back?

No, of course it won't bring her back but she will always be with you in your heart, but it can be helpful for you.  I was the sole caregiver for my DH for 2 solid years as he wasted away. (Our stupid dr said he didn't need hospice because he had me!) When he passed, I was devastated and though there was nothing I could have done, I felt guilty that maybe I was at fault.  

Through Visiting Nurses, I found out about a bereavement group run by a Social Worker connected with them. It turned out to be so helpful.  Just being around people that were going through what I was, sharing our feelings, sadness, and undeserved guilts, was comforting and healing. I wasn't alone in feeling the things I was feeling, so many of us had those same feelings! Over time, among strangers we felt a healing and peace. There was no set amount of time to go some were there a few weeks, others a few months. A group setting may be more suited to you than one on one therapy I guess is my point.

[shapeshifter]

2 minutes ago, Gramto6 said:

No, of course it won't bring her back but she will always be with you in your heart, but it can be helpful for you.  I was the sole caregiver for my DH for 2 solid years as he wasted away. (Our stupid dr said he didn't need hospice because he had me!) When he passed, I was devastated and though there was nothing I could have done, I felt guilty that maybe I was at fault.  

Through Visiting Nurses, I found out about a bereavement group run by a Social Worker connected with them. It turned out to be so helpful.  Just being around people that were going through what I was, sharing our feelings, sadness, and undeserved guilts, was comforting and healing. I wasn't alone in feeling the things I was feeling, so many of us had those same feelings! Over time, among strangers we felt a healing and peace. There was no set amount of time to go some were there a few weeks, others a few months. A group setting may be more suited to you than one on one therapy I guess is my point.

Mom's mother passed when Mom was 23 and her mother was 47. It was 1951, and there was huge stigma against any kind of therapy — understandable given that family members could get their mentally troubled relatives locked away in institutions or given lobotomies (including a Kennedy). Mom never got over the loss of her mother, and the undeserved feelings of guilt and anger were never resolved over the next 68 years of her life. 
Whether group therapy, Zoom therapy, or in-person therapy, I do think specific Grief Counseling is worth a try. There may be free online podcasts that work too?

I remember the moment during an online session with a grief counselor after Mom passed during the pandemic when I was finally able to cry. For others, that may not be what is needed. But the counselor saw it was what I needed. I think I only had 3-5 sessions, and even fewer when Dad passed 5 years earlier. But I am still grateful for those sessions that freed me to instead just think about the positive aspects of their lives most of the time.

Mom did share fond memories of her mother over the decades, but she never got over the bitterness.
IDK. Maybe it's just because her Mom died too young at 47? 

But I still think therapy overall has improved tremendously since health insurance that covers employees got involved and required that improvement in the patient/client's mental health and ability to function be demonstrated. 

And grief counseling, especially, as I mentioned above, has the advantage of focusing on one aspect of mental health.

But it is important to have a licensed counselor. When I was young and poor, I got involved with some self-described healers who did more damage than good.

[chitowngirl]

Anderson Cooper has a good podcast dedicated to grief. I have found it helpful listening to others process grief and found myself thinking, “Yes, that’s exactly it!”

[Ancaster]

On 12/18/2023 at 10:42 AM, Yogisbooboo64 said:

Thanks Shapeshifter for your help regarding this forum....

My mother was a fiercely independent woman; stubborn, with a great smile, lover of The Spinners, potato chips and the original Star Trek series….she also never saw a well-kept beard she didn’t like!

...........................

Rest well, Ma.  Now you and your mother are free to walk around gossiping when you aren’t being teased by Uncle and Pop-Pop.  Tell my aunts I said hello.

I love and miss you so much; until we meet again.

Thank you for sharing this with us.  I hope you have a copy somewhere (maybe printed out?) to keep.  It's so thoughtfully written perhaps you wrote it earlier and copied here?  Anyway, I don't know how long you've been with Primetimer, but this site has had a couple of different iterations so I just wanted to make sure you can't count on it being your memory.

On 12/31/2023 at 1:34 PM, Gramto6 said:

No, of course it won't bring her back but she will always be with you in your heart, but it can be helpful for you.  I was the sole caregiver for my DH for 2 solid years as he wasted away. (Our stupid dr said he didn't need hospice because he had me!) When he passed, I was devastated and though there was nothing I could have done, I felt guilty that maybe I was at fault.  

Through Visiting Nurses, I found out about a bereavement group run by a Social Worker connected with them. It turned out to be so helpful.  Just being around people that were going through what I was, sharing our feelings, sadness, and undeserved guilts, was comforting and healing. I wasn't alone in feeling the things I was feeling, so many of us had those same feelings! Over time, among strangers we felt a healing and peace. There was no set amount of time to go some were there a few weeks, others a few months. A group setting may be more suited to you than one on one therapy I guess is my point.

As a stiff-upper-lipped Brit, I used to be very dismissive of all the touchy feely talk therapy and sharing that seemed so predominant in American life (an impression I had gained from TV, movies, and books, of course).  Now that I've lived here more than half of my 60 years, I am a lot more accepting.  And once I finally accepted and admitted that I'm an alcoholic, I have found women's support groups incredibly helpful to me, and not just AA women's groups.

What I'm trying to say, is that I think there can be a huge benefit to finding a group of people who understand exactly what you're going through and living - whether it's an addiction, grief, a specific illness, or something else.

And being here, part of this little forum is, for me, also very helpful, just knowing there are strangers out there who care about each, even though we don't know each other.  It's truly a good thing for me to know that the world is not just full of selfish people, motivated by money and the acquisition of stuff, who don't give a damn about anyone else.  Thank you.

Edited January 6 by Ancaster

[Ancaster]

I'm currently reading a book called WIth the End in Mind, by Kathryn Mannix, a British physician who specializes in palliative care.

The subtitle is Dying, Death, and Wisdom in an Age of Denial.

I saw it by chance at my local library, and since I'm in the process of applying to be a hospice volunteer, I picked it up.  I think it's going to be very helpful.  (If anyone wants to look for it, when I tried to order a copy at Powell's (which used to call itself "The biggest bookshop in the world"), they couldn't find it, so I got it from Amazon, now of course the newish biggest bookshop in the world.

Edited January 8 by Ancaster

[AgathaC]

I am glad to see we have this thread — a place where we can share these things.

My paternal grandmother passed away on New Year’s Eve at 93. Her last three months were difficult — steep cognitive decline, broken hip, broken back. So, in a way, it was a blessing for her to go. Truthfully, she’d been ready to go since my grandfather passed. And she had sadness in her life, burying two of her four children, both of whom died tragically.

She was a wonderful woman. If you were to Google “elegant Southern lady” her picture would pop up. But she was also warm and caring and thoughtful.

She and I were always extremely close. I was her first grandchild and, therefore, special. We just clicked. She was, honestly, my best friend and biggest cheerleader. My safe place. Someone who thought I was wonderful, never asked questions. We all should have someone like her.

When my grandfather died 10 years ago, I spent every weekend with her for nearly a year, which drew us even closer together.

 I’m going to struggle with this for some time, I know. When I read an Agatha Christie, have tea, watch an old movie, sing a song.

I know this is all something you here understand.

[Yogisbooboo64]

Going to be moving into another apartment in my building this week.

I'm sure I'll cry again as I leave the place where I took care of Ma for the past ten years.  Oh, and the move-in date is on the 18TH, which will make three months since she passed away!

I tell you, God got jokes.

[bmasters9]

My father has just passed on, apparently quite peacefully, at 84.

[chitowngirl]

I’m so sorry bmasters9

[bmasters9]

2 minutes ago, chitowngirl said:

I’m so sorry bmasters9

Much appreciated-- the good news about it is that he did it right here at home, as he wanted; he didn't want to do it in a hospital, and he got his wish.

[Browncoat]

My father died yesterday morning, early.  Nothing like that 2:00 am phone call.  Like @bmasters9's father, he was at home, and it was peaceful.  It was a long time coming, but was very fast at the end -- two weeks ago, he was walking and joking around, and then suddenly he was bedridden and non-verbal.

People seem to think I'm not grieving properly.  That I'm not sad enough or something because I'm at work, and not weeping constantly.  But as I said, it was a long time coming, and I have been at the acceptance stage for months.  So I am sad, but not devastated.

 

[shapeshifter]

20 minutes ago, Browncoat said:

My father died yesterday morning, early.  Nothing like that 2:00 am phone call.  Like @bmasters9's father, he was at home, and it was peaceful.  It was a long time coming, but was very fast at the end -- two weeks ago, he was walking and joking around, and then suddenly he was bedridden and non-verbal.

People seem to think I'm not grieving properly.  That I'm not sad enough or something because I'm at work, and not weeping constantly.  But as I said, it was a long time coming, and I have been at the acceptance stage for months.  So I am sad, but not devastated.

That's how it was for me too, which I think has contributed to my being able to think of him most days and something special he did or said or was.

[Bastet]

6 hours ago, Browncoat said:

People seem to think I'm not grieving properly.

This happens to a lot of people, and it's a shame.  There is no proper or improper way to grieve.  What you're feeling makes perfect sense given the circumstances, but even if it seemed odd, oh well.  People need to stop commenting on how others grieve (to stop judging altogether would be grand, but at least stop with the remarks).

Condolences on your loss, and to you as well, @bmasters9.

[Mr. Sparkle]

I'm sorry for your loss, @Browncoat

I'm sorry for your loss, @bmasters9

[Lisa418722]

19 hours ago, Browncoat said:

People seem to think I'm not grieving properly.  That I'm not sad enough or something because I'm at work, and not weeping constantly.  But as I said, it was a long time coming, and I have been at the acceptance stage for months.  So I am sad, but not devastated.

 

I'm sorry for your loss.  My dad died from glioblastoma and I lived about 225 miles away.  There were many tears cried on those drives because my mom made it all about her, it was her husband (also my dad) that was dying and I was there to support her.  

At the visitation, my dad's niece and her husband came in (from yet another state) and we were laughing and remembering some good times.  Later I found out my mom's sister made a comment about me "having a good time with her dad's family."  Yeah, they are my family too and yes, it was nice remembering good times.  If my dad had been there, he would have been laughing and enjoying the memories too.  

There is no guidebook on how to grieve. I never did cry in front of people, but that doesn't mean I didn't cry. But most of my tears were before his death.  I believe a person can grieve before the actual death and then when the death happens, you have already accepted that it was going to happen.  Honestly, by the end I was praying for my dad's death.  I didn't want him to die, but I didn't want him living, but not living, the way he was.  

[Browncoat]

14 hours ago, Lisa418722 said:

I didn't want him to die, but I didn't want him living, but not living, the way he was.  

That is exactly the way I've felt the past several months.

[shapeshifter]

14 hours ago, Browncoat said:

On 2/29/2024 at 7:00 AM, Lisa418722 said:

I didn't want him to die, but I didn't want him living, but not living, the way he was.  

That is exactly the way I've felt the past several months.

It was like that for Mom for the 5 years after Dad died. 
No point in going over the details here now, but I know the heartache and feelings of helplessness.

[Gramto6]

On 2/28/2024 at 3:56 PM, Mr. Sparkle said:

I'm sorry for your loss, @Browncoat

I'm sorry for your loss, @bmasters9

I too am sorry for your losses. Sending (((HUGS))) to both of you and good thoughts to help you through this difficult time.

[Yogisbooboo64]

Bumping this thread up....

Three months after losing my mother, we lost her sister, and on the same date, the 18th!  Now the whole family is together again, leaving us grandkids to fend for ourselves.

Four months later, and it is still hard to accept my mother's passing, despite writing out my feelings.

I'm doing this as the likelihood of meeting any of you is nil, but here's an excerpt from Thursday's journal entry....

Hey, Ma.  Sorry I haven’t been checking in.  Actually, I have; out loud and during the nights, when I cry out for you.

A couple of nights ago it was bad.  For some reason, every sad song popped up into my head, which had me thinking of you and how I wish I could talk to you/hold your hand/see you stick out your tongue, anything.

My heart hurts, Ma.  I asked God for help to make me keep going.  He’s doing all he can but I’m still struggling here.  Sometimes, I see your still body in the bed, which makes me angry all over again, because I feel like I let you down when I didn’t come sit with you and listen to music the night before as I promised.  I’ll never know when you took your last breath; did you open your eyes and look to see if anyone was there?  Did you utter last words?  I’ll never forgive myself.

I get lonely sometimes.  Though there is family and my Yogi, I miss checking in on you, making you smile. 

I sleep a lot, sometimes into the night….it hurts less when I’m not thinking.

I’ve been eating too much too…..it’s like food soothes the pain, but just for a minute.  I don’t know what to expect this upcoming Monday when I see my doctor.  Who knows how much I weigh now and how my A1c is.  Thinking of doing a food diary again, it sort of helped with the ridiculous daily intake of crap I’ve been shoveling into my mouth.  I wish I could get weight loss surgery, but at my size and age, I’m afraid of not waking up on the operating table.

Been decorating the new apartment, I wish you could see it.  Our old unit should be done by the end of April and I will ask the Leasing Manager if I can see the completed renovated unit.  I hope she says yes.

Going back to work now.  From the bottom of my heart to the depths of my soul, I miss you so much!!

Please continue to watch over me, Ma….I love you always.

(Hugs to those still grieving)

[Yogisbooboo64]

Sunday will be the first Mother's Day without my mom....we'll be going to the cemetery.

Soon it will be six months since she left us, yet it feels like yesterday.

 

[shapeshifter]

4 minutes ago, Yogisbooboo64 said:

Sunday will be the first Mother's Day without my mom....we'll be going to the cemetery.

Soon it will be six months since she left us, yet it feels like yesterday.

 

6 months *is * like yesterday.
3+ years is easier.

[Mountainair]

1 minute ago, Yogisbooboo64 said:

Sunday will be the first Mother's Day without my mom....we'll be going to the cemetery.

Soon it will be six months since she left us, yet it feels like yesterday.

 

It will be my first without my mother in law. I knew her 25 years since I was 14. She was always my “second mother”. My own mother is out of town. My mother in law passed away during a routine heart procedure 4 weeks ago. We knew she was in heart failure caused by diabetes but never expected her to pass away so quickly- she was 65. My kids and all of us have been a wreck.  My 11 year old son was diagnosed with a rare heart condition 2 years ago and has had multiple surgeries. She was always such a champion for him. We coincidentally had multiple cardiologists appointments this week and I’ve been a blubbering mess. My sons appointment today was nothing but great news but still… 

My mother in law insisted on taking 15 of us to Disney last Christmas as her dying wish. We thought she was crazy. She was no where near the end. But alas. Her 7 grandchildren would spend the night with her weekly, talk to her on the phone, send her funny memes. She lived 2 miles from us. The 14 of us will get together Sunday and go to her favorite Mexican restaurant and then visit her grave :(

[shapeshifter]

2 minutes ago, Mountainair said:

It will be my first without my mother in law. I knew her 25 years since I was 14. She was always my “second mother”. My own mother is out of town. My mother in law passed away during a routine heart procedure 4 weeks ago. We knew she was in heart failure caused by diabetes but never expected her to pass away so quickly- she was 65. My kids and all of us have been a wreck.  My 11 year old son was diagnosed with a rare heart condition 2 years ago and has had multiple surgeries. She was always such a champion for him. We coincidentally had multiple cardiologists appointments this week and I’ve been a blubbering mess. My sons appointment today was nothing but great news but still… 

My mother in law insisted on taking 15 of us to Disney last Christmas as her dying wish. We thought she was crazy. She was no where near the end. But alas. Her 7 grandchildren would spend the night with her weekly, talk to her on the phone, send her funny memes. She lived 2 miles from us. The 14 of us will get together Sunday and go to her favorite Mexican restaurant and then visit her grave :(

It sounds like she will still be with all of you in your shared experiences.
❤️

[Yogisbooboo64]

Found out last month that my father died...actually, he's been gone since 2013, about a few days before his 70th birthday.

Had to cut him out of my life decades ago due to family trauma.  Apparently, he died just as me and Ma were first moving in together.  Good thing she never knew, as it likely would have hurt her.

Not fun being part of the 'Both my parents are gone' club.

[Anela]

On 1/5/2024 at 4:28 AM, Ancaster said:

I'm currently reading a book called WIth the End in Mind, by Kathryn Mannix, a British physician who specializes in palliative care.

The subtitle is Dying, Death, and Wisdom in an Age of Denial.

I saw it by chance at my local library, and since I'm in the process of applying to be a hospice volunteer, I picked it up.  I think it's going to be very helpful.  (If anyone wants to look for it, when I tried to order a copy at Powell's (which used to call itself "The biggest bookshop in the world"), they couldn't find it, so I got it from Amazon, now of course the newish biggest bookshop in the world.

This book was mentioned in one I started tonight - a kindle book that came through for me, finally (by Liz Moody). I'm not really scared of it for myself, aside from the actual transitioning - but I'm petrified of losing my dad. When we lost mum, he did everything. I was in shock. I told my friends on a private board, and asked, "What am I going to do?" and then I just slept for as long as I could, until Tuesday morning, when I woke up at dawn, and couldn't go back to sleep. This was July 2016. I remember the political conventions being on the television, but I wasn't paying attention. I do remember the Republican one being on the TV at the hospital, and it was full moon, and we thought she was going to be okay, and then she wasn't. 

I went with dad that morning - a baking hot morning, already - and I sat in the van with the air running, as he made the plans for her funeral. When he came out, I said I'd been ranting a bit at mum, for leaving us, and he said, "That's what I thought" but then I went back into denial. I didn't want to go to the funeral, and rushed a shower at the last minute, then hid from people until I couldn't anymore. They were so kind, and kept following me, when I didn't want to be followed. I texted a friend who had lost her mum the year before, and she told me I should do whatever I needed to do, when I said, "I'm hiding from everyone." I went outside, and someone followed me there, too. I appreciated them being there, but I couldn't handle it. I just wanted to be home, or out of the house, with my dad and my sister. I didn't cry in front of anyone, once we left the hospital that night that they called us, because her aneurysm had burst. 

I used to be a member of a goal-setting site, twenty years ago, and I have a lot of online friends from there. One of the creators of that site, died last week, suddenly, and a mutual friend created a FB group for some of us to start setting goals again. And I can't remember why I started to say this. Oh, I know: a woman I don't know well, lost her husband last year, and she said this:

Quote

I’m still lurking and mulling over what would be appropriate to set as goals. I’ve had verbal diarrhea on Facebook because I no longer have anyone to talk to, and it gets crowded up in my cranium. I sometimes need to just vent, before I cease to exist in the void.

And this is exactly what I experience. I don't mind disappearing into quiet for a few days, but when it starts to feel like I'm not a real person, that's more worrying. That's why I talk online. 

My dad started to experience an age-related thing, earlier this year, and I started to worry about losing him again, and also this intense shame that I'm not in a position to take care of him, not enough for him to be able to retire, and just be at home, like me. Me, and my PTSD, my stupid stomach issue, my depression and anxiety. He has always been so together, just like my mum was, and it's terrifying, the idea of what's going to happen to him, if he outlives me. What's going to happen to me, if I outlive him? 

I tried The Artist's Way, when I was 23, and again another time, but never got past the week of no reading, or consuming anything. But I loved the morning pages, and kept them up for years. getting every single worrying thought out of your mind, before you start your day. It used to help. I don't do it in the morning now, when I probably should, but I've been writing in the middle of the night, and crying, which is healthy. Some of my goals I wrote about a month ago, are of the scary, adult kind, and I'm trying not to chicken out of something, but I still might, and go back into denial - and I'm not going to say what it is, in case I do chicken out. This derealization, I guess. It holds anxiety at bay, and it unfortunately disappeared over the past couple of weeks, thanks to the news, but I'm going back to it, because I didn't give a crap about much. last year, I sort of floated through it, and I'm feeling a bit more grounded, but not enough. Last year, my boundaries were strong enough where I realized that I was not in a good enough place to deal with someone who contacted me, saying all the right things, but I know him. I couldn't handle him suddenly upsetting me out of nowhere, and disappearing. He doesn't live here, he's overseas, but it's still upsetting. 

Anyway, I have a lot swirling around in my brain, that I might talk about another time. I didn't mean to ramble, I came to this forum looking for something else. And I'm okay being vulnerable right now, but I might not feel that way tomorrow. Some of this should probably be in another thread. Sorry.

Edited July 6 by Anela

[Anela]

I'm sorry for your losses. 💙

[shapeshifter]

My cousin died. 
I wish I’d known her more.
She was 80 and I am 71, so it’s not like we didn’t have time.

She posted this on Facebook when she had pancreatic cancer instead of telling people:

Edited September 2 by shapeshifter