Chit-Chat: What's On Your Mind Today?

[Absolom]

1 hour ago, annzeepark914 said:

Years later I married a guy whose last name always has to be spelled & is always mangled (but it's a Swiss name, so I get it). It must be great to have a name like Johnson, Anderson, Smith, Jones 🤗

I have an extremely common and short last name and still end up having to spell it so don't worry.  If people don't remember it, they'll think it's more polite to ask you to spell it, too.

[SoMuchTV]

19 minutes ago, Absolom said:

I have an extremely common and short last name and still end up having to spell it so don't worry.  If people don't remember it, they'll think it's more polite to ask you to spell it, too.

I have a very short, easy to spell and pronounce last name, but it’s more common with an ‘s’ at the end, so I have to fight that battle. 

Funniest instance was when my son-in-law was trying to get me checked in at the hospital to visit my daughter and her new baby. The clerk kept repeating my name back with the ’s’ (as she read it off my ID),  and she also did the same with my SIL’s name, which I’ve never heard with an ‘s’. I guess it’s contagious. 

[Dimity]

My husband's last name is a very common first name so that can definitely get confusing.  I find it funny that what I think of as last names have become so popular now for given names "Tyler" "Cooper" "Taylor" and the like.  Because of my husband's experience we made sure to give our kids first names that typically are only first names.  It just gets tedious always having to correct someone about your name, especially on official forms.

[SoMuchTV]

6 minutes ago, Dimity said:

My husband's last name is a very common first name so that can definitely get confusing.  I find it funny that what I think of as last names have become so popular now for given names "Tyler" "Cooper" "Taylor" and the like.  Because of my husband's experience we made sure to give our kids first names that typically are only first names.  It just gets tedious always having to correct someone about your name, especially on official forms.

Haha, back in the late 80s, I worked on a team with two guys. One whose FN/LN were both “first names” and one whose were both “last names”.  They joked about it so I guess it wasn’t too big an issue. 

[PRgal]

But sometimes, even "normal" names have to be spelled out.  Like, if your name is Ann, you may have to tell people that it's Ann-without-an-E.  Or Catherine-with-a-C.   

[Dimity]

55 minutes ago, SoMuchTV said:

They joked about it so I guess it wasn’t too big an issue. 

Oh yeah totally more of a minor nuisance upon occasion thing really.  

[oliviabenson]

I think I rather be named hashtag. 

[oliviabenson]

Lopez vs Lopes or Lucas vs Lukas 

My first name is common and it’s never spelled correctly or pronounced correctly either.

[Dimity]

I remember a few years ago my Mom being a little critical about the proliferation of names like Braydon, Jaydon and Kaydon.  She acted like this was a new phenomenon.  I pointed out that the names may be new (or certainly newish) but the name she gave me back in the day always meant I went through my entire school career with at least 2, if not 3 other girls in my class with the same name.  I can understand parents trying to give their child an unusual name. Asterick may be going a bit too far though...

[annzeepark914]

Good grief! I just learned on the news that people are not buckling-up. Excuse me, but I can remember what it was like before seat belt requirements...and what classmates, friends, etc., looked like after flying through windshields.

[PRgal]

2 hours ago, Dimity said:

My husband's last name is a very common first name so that can definitely get confusing.  I find it funny that what I think of as last names have become so popular now for given names "Tyler" "Cooper" "Taylor" and the like.  Because of my husband's experience we made sure to give our kids first names that typically are only first names.  It just gets tedious always having to correct someone about your name, especially on official forms.

Last names as first names go way back.  Think Fitzwilliam Darcy!  
 

I went to school with a Taylor (first name).  She’s in her 40s now. 

[Dimity]

8 minutes ago, annzeepark914 said:

Good grief! I just learned on the news that people are not buckling-up. Excuse me, but I can remember what it was like before seat belt requirements...and what classmates, friends, etc., looked like after flying through windshields.

I still have a scar on my forehead from hitting a windshield when I was 8.  Not only no seatbelt but sitting in the front seat.  

[shapeshifter]

45 minutes ago, annzeepark914 said:

Good grief! I just learned on the news that people are not buckling-up. Excuse me, but I can remember what it was like before seat belt requirements...and what classmates, friends, etc., looked like after flying through windshields.

And 2 classmates who died before cars even had seatbelts. 
I thought it was odd that the signs on the local highways with programmable lights were showing messages about "buckling up." 
I didn't realize not buckling was a thing.
I guess it's like when kids were throwing their $1,000 cell phones up in the air to see if the screen would break, only now it's irreplaceable lives and body parts.😱

[ChiCricket]

On 5/22/2024 at 12:55 PM, Maisiesmom said:

P.S. Mom said you could hear them coming. She said it sounded like 100 freight trains coming at you all at once.

I often wonder how the sound was described before trains existed. I'm serious, I always do wonder this. 😊

[shapeshifter]

10 minutes ago, ChiCricket said:

I often wonder how the sound was described before trains existed. I'm serious, I always do wonder this. 😊

Great question. 
Maybe like a buffalo stampede?
Or a really big waterfall?

[annzeepark914]

In my experience, the tornado sounded like a 747. I lived in a flight path to the airport so at first I thought it was one of those huge planes flying very low (since I'd never heard a tornado before). 

[Spartan Girl]

So you guys remember how my friend from Chicago had moved back to where I live, but whenever I ask if we can get together in person it never seems to work out.

Well, it’s been six months. I asked if we could get together for my birthday back in March, and she seemed enthusiastic but stuff came up for her and it didn’t work out. Since her birthday is this month, I asked if we could get together then and she said yes, and then mentioned that she was going to attend a Pride Parade with her other friend, who lives in Flint. Out of curiosity (because she’s very close with this friend), I asked her if she’d seen this friend since she’s been back here.

And she has.

Agsin, this other friend lives in Flint. I live in Lansing, only ten miles away from where she lives…and yet it’s the Flint friend she somehow makes time to see. Not me.

This really hurt. And I finally worked up the guts to tell her that. She replied that she was sorry. Nothing more.

I literally have no idea how to go from here. I don’t want to lose her as a friend, but as hard as I tried to be patient, it really feels like she’s blowing me off. Or worse, that I’m not as important a friend to her that she is to me.

Thoughts?

Edited June 3 by Spartan Girl

[Yeah No]

49 minutes ago, Spartan Girl said:

So you guys remember how my friend from Chicago had moved back to where I live, but whenever I ask if we can get together in person it never seems to work out.

Well, it’s been six months. I asked if we could get together for my birthday back in March, and she seemed enthusiastic but stuff came up for her and it didn’t work out. Since her birthday is this month, I asked if we could get together then and she said yes, and then mentioned that she was going to attend a Pride Parade with her other friend, who lives in Flint. Out of curiosity (because she’s very close with this friend), I asked her if she’d seen this friend since she’s been back here.

And she has.

Agsin, this other friend lives in Flint. I live in Lansing, only ten miles away from where she lives…and yet it’s the Flint friend she somehow makes time to see. Not me.

This really hurt. And I finally worked up the guts to tell her that. She replied that she was sorry. Nothing more.

I literally have no idea how to go from here. I don’t want to lose her as a friend, but as hard as I tried to be patient, it really feels like she’s blowing me off. Or worse, that I’m not as important a friend to her that she is to me.

Thoughts?

I've been down this road.  Of course if you ask me I think she's definitely blowing you off, or at least you aren't the priority this other friend is and she probably has too much going on to find time to get together with you and this other friend.  That's at BEST.  At worst, she's replaced you and has moved on.

I once worked with a woman who became more than just a work friend.  We'd often get together outside work and on weekends.  She was a very expressive person and would often tell me how much she loved me and what a great friend I was, xxxoooo and all that.  Well then I left that job and moved 40 miles away to another area, which wasn't such a big deal because I often drove down to her area to get my hair cut, go shopping, etc. So I had no problem going down to her area to meet up.

Soon after I moved it became harder and harder to get together with her.  She would continually cancel then tell me to call her the next week, xxxooo, we'd reschedule, then she'd cancel again, rinse, repeat.  She wasn't involved in a lot of stuff, didn't have children either so I couldn't imagine what the problem was.  This back and forth stuff got beyond ridiculous and after a while I would only get her voicemail which she wouldn't respond to, so I really had no other choice but to her a message saying, "Call me when you think you have time to get together."  I let it go a month and when I didn't hear from her I gave it one last shot and left her another voicemail with the same message.  And then I told my husband to chop my hand off if I ever picked up the phone to call her again.  P.S.  I never heard from her again.  That was 20 years ago now and it still sucks.

Now mind you, I didn't want to lose her as a friend either but like I say it had gone beyond ridiculous and it looked like I'd already lost her so I left the ball in her court out of desperation.  Unfortunately I got my answer.  Maybe you need to let it go a little longer before you're ready to do something like that, but if this keeps up I think you eventually won't have any other choice.  ((Hugs))

[bluegirl147]

1 hour ago, Spartan Girl said:

I literally have no idea how to go from here. I don’t want to lose her as a friend, but as hard as I tried to be patient, it really feels like she’s blowing me off. Or worse, that I’m not as important a friend to her that she is to me.

I just had this conversation with someone a few days ago. There are people you are friends with and then there are people you are friendly with.  Sometimes unfortunately people aren't always on the same page. I'm sorry this person is treating you this way. I have had people do this exact thing to me. I finally let them go.  It hurts but hopefully the universe will send you a better friend.

 

[Wiendish Fitch]

21 minutes ago, bluegirl147 said:

I just had this conversation with someone a few days ago. There are people you are friends with and then there are people you are friendly with.  Sometimes unfortunately people aren't always on the same page. I'm sorry this person is treating you this way. I have had people do this exact thing to me. I finally let them go.  It hurts but hopefully the universe will send you a better friend.

 

I'm wishing you the same, @Spartan Girl.

[Spartan Girl]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

For full context, we’ve known each other since elementary school. And to be honest, I’ve always been a little jealous of this other friend because as close as I thought we were, they always seemed to be closer. I know how stupid and insecure that sounds and I tried to get past it, but the fact that she’s been magically able to make time for Flint Friend whenever she came to Lansing, while never being able to do the same for me despite living closer just seems to confirm that fear.

You want to know what’s really pathetic? After the “I'm sorry” text I got from her, I asked the one question I’ve been dreading all this time: “Is it me?”

”No, it’s not.”

I haven’t replied to that. It feels like a cheap answer. What I wanted her to say was something “Of course not. I didn’t think about how this is hurting you and I should have realized it, and I’m sorry. Let’s get together this week.” Just give me something to assure me that we aren’t growing apart, you know?

This is happened to me so many times before with other friends. One got married and moved to the UP without even telling me; she just stopped texting me out of the blue and I never found out until years later. So yeah, it feels like it IS me.

[annzeepark914]

@Spartan Girl  It isn't you. Your friend has moved on and doesn't treasure a decades-long friendship from childhood (like you do). That's really sad. But...you're a good person & you don't need to be beating yourself up over this. Don't invest any more precious time pondering this situation. Instead, invest your time finding some new friends. 

[bluegirl147]

42 minutes ago, annzeepark914 said:

@Spartan Girl  It isn't you. 

No @Spartan Girl it most definitely isn't you.  Her behavior says more about her than you. It's normal to want to keep people you have known a long time in your life. It's not easy making new friends so we want to keep the ones we already have.  Don't let her disrespect get to you.  You did nothing wrong. And just so you know, you have a friend in me.  Cue the Toy Story music.

[Ohiopirate02]

@Spartan Girl hugs.  I have been in your position before. It sucks. When it became apparent that my friend only wanted to be my friend when it was convenient for her but had all the time in the world for her other friend (I could write paragraphs about this other friend and her weird obsession with me), I chose to step away from the friendship.  I still remember finding out she was coming into my workplace without sending a text or walking into my part of the building to say hi.  It hurts at first, but in time I find that I do not regret my decision.  I am also not the only person she is no longer friends with because we all had the audacity to expect our friends to actually be our friend.  

[Yeah No]

1 hour ago, annzeepark914 said:

@Spartan Girl  It isn't you. Your friend has moved on and doesn't treasure a decades-long friendship from childhood (like you do). That's really sad. But...you're a good person & you don't need to be beating yourself up over this. Don't invest any more precious time pondering this situation. Instead, invest your time finding some new friends. 

I need to listen to you too.  Another close friend of over 20 years did the same to me.  She even said it wasn't me.  We are both only children and don't have any family so why she would want to ditch me as a friend will puzzle me to the day I die, I have to admit.  It was that hurtful.  Even though it's been about 3 years now I still go over everything I ever said and did to try to find some reason why I'm to blame for it, but I know it's not me.  I just would like to know what it is to get some closure.  I've theorized everything from her being jealous of me to her having mental issues (which is possible for several reasons). 

At the end, she seemed to be under the impression that I was judging her for having a relationship with a man that was in an open relationship with another woman.  I did not judge her at all for that but for some reason she thought I would and hid it from me for a couple of years.  I knew something wasn't right during that time because she was acting weird at times about having to answer phone calls and didn't return my calls right away.  I had been letting her be more distant during that time without much question and then eventually she finally just ghosted me altogether.  In fact she lied to me about why she was not returning my calls for 2 weeks.  I couldn't believe it when I found out.  And we were the BEST of friends for 2 decades.  Really close.  Could talk about literally ANYTHING.  Lots of trust.  I just don't get it and none of my friends get it either because some of them knew her.  It was especially hard on me because it happened around the start of the pandemic when I lost my father.  I supported her when she lost her father and all through her hard times in relationships and it was definitely a 2 way street with us.  So again, I don't know that I will ever be able to make my peace with this.

Edited June 3 by Yeah No

[Yeah No]

1 hour ago, Spartan Girl said:

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

For full context, we’ve known each other since elementary school. And to be honest, I’ve always been a little jealous of this other friend because as close as I thought we were, they always seemed to be closer. I know how stupid and insecure that sounds and I tried to get past it, but the fact that she’s been magically able to make time for Flint Friend whenever she came to Lansing, while never being able to do the same for me despite living closer just seems to confirm that fear.

You want to know what’s really pathetic? After the “I'm sorry” text I got from her, I asked the one question I’ve been dreading all this time: “Is it me?”

”No, it’s not.”

I haven’t replied to that. It feels like a cheap answer. What I wanted her to say was something “Of course not. I didn’t think about how this is hurting you and I should have realized it, and I’m sorry. Let’s get together this week.” Just give me something to assure me that we aren’t growing apart, you know?

This is happened to me so many times before with other friends. One got married and moved to the UP without even telling me; she just stopped texting me out of the blue and I never found out until years later. So yeah, it feels like it IS me.

Been there and done that too.  It's BS if you ask me, saying it's not you but then not telling you what is.  It's deception, and IMO not fair to you.  Again, I've been there but I don't have any sage advice to give you on how to get over that if you've read my previous post because I'm still struggling with this myself.  Only in my case one of my theories was that my friend was jealous of my relationship with my best friend from childhood.  She even knew her and they are on each other's Facebook and everything.  But in this case I actually spent MORE time with the friend that ditched me than my best friend since high school (who was never jealous because we are like sisters).  And yeah, I've had this happen many times before too, which only makes it worse every time it happens again.  Many hugs and sympathy!

[bluegirl147]

I only have two people that I consider real true blue friends.  A couple years ago I made another friend. She was a customer of my company and she initiated the friendship and I was resistant at first.  Over my lifetime I have had a lot "friends" disappoint and hurt me so I have become suspicious and cautious about letting people close.   But I did become friends with her and then sadly she died about six months later.  I still miss her.  It is not easy making new friends. Especially when you are older. Social media makes people think they have so many friends.  It's an illusion.  It's too easy to unfriend people online and I think that has crossed over into real life.

[Yeah No]

23 minutes ago, bluegirl147 said:

I only have two people that I consider real true blue friends.  A couple years ago I made another friend. She was a customer of my company and she initiated the friendship and I was resistant at first.  Over my lifetime I have had a lot "friends" disappoint and hurt me so I have become suspicious and cautious about letting people close.   But I did become friends with her and then sadly she died about six months later.  I still miss her.  It is not easy making new friends. Especially when you are older. Social media makes people think they have so many friends.  It's an illusion.  It's too easy to unfriend people online and I think that has crossed over into real life.

So true.  Most of those friends on SM are just acquaintances.  Other than my husband, I have two true blue face-to-face friends, my long time BFF in NYC and a male friend I've known for over 20 years.  I had a close friend die on me too in 1997.  Sadly, she had cancer and shut everyone out of her life at the end.  It was very hard for us. I think one of the reasons I lost My friend of 20+ years that I lost 3 years ago is that she had moved to an apartment complex for seniors and made new friends there.  I knew she made friends there but never thought it would affect our friendship because we lived at a distance and only got together once every couple of months or so.  How wrong I was.  I think I know who I can trust but how could I have seen this coming?  If I couldn't trust her, who can I trust?  I am just lucky I have a few people left in my life.  I have two other friends too but they are not as close as the ones I mentioned above.

[bluegirl147]

6 minutes ago, Yeah No said:

If I couldn't trust her, who can I trust?

And that is what makes it hurt.  My high school best friend repeatedly would throw me under the bus for things I didn't do.  Even into adulthood.  I finally had to take a step back. If we run into each other we speak to each other and talk to catch up but I can't be friends with her. 

 

[PRgal]

My BFF when I was in high school was, as an adult, diagnosed as neurodivergent.  Since then, she's been acting a bit odd.  I understand that it's good to know, but she seemed less "stereotypically neurodivergent" prior to the diagnosis.  It has been to the point that I have more or less "ghosted" her.  I feel very badly about this as I'm neurodivergent myself (though I think I was inaccurately diagnosed - ADHD vs autism spectrum).  Thoughts?

[shapeshifter]

9 hours ago, Spartan Girl said:

So yeah, it feels like it IS me.

If it is you — or, in my cases, if it was me — then we can either try to ask the person if we’ve offended them [blah blah blah] and try to change, or we can just move on.
In one case, my former friend just didn’t want to continue being friends after I’d moved to the next town, and I wanted to replace some of the in-person meet-ups with phone conversations. 
In another case it was more complicated.

But as I’ve aged and moved greater distances, I’ve accepted having just family and more casual or distant friendships.

However, I’m still open to meeting someone new who might like to go places I go. But that might not happen.

One last thought about:

12 hours ago, Spartan Girl said:

and then mentioned that she was going to attend a Pride Parade with her other friend,

Is it possible they have become an exclusive couple?
I’ve mentioned in the past a guy friend I had whose newest wife didn’t want him being friends with other women.
And once while enjoying conversation at a neighborhood barbecue, I asked to tag along to a local outdoor concert with a lesbian couple who were next door neighbors and coworkers (the college where we worked owned the apartments). They both looked at me like I had suddenly broken out in leprosy. Maybe they misunderstood, LOL?

Sometimes people just don’t have room in their lives for friends after they become a couple.

I think it’s healthier for their relationship if they do have friendships, but we all have our own limits.

Edited June 4 by shapeshifter

[Bastet]

11 hours ago, Spartan Girl said:

Or worse, that I’m not as important a friend to her that she is to me.

That happens sometimes, probably quite a bit to some degree of lopsidedness, and that in and of itself isn't anything bad/wrong by the one who's less into the friendship.  But it can manifest in ways that are.

I have three best friends, but the one who's been with me the longest goes back to when we were five.  For whatever reason, about 6-7 years ago I noticed most contact was initiated by me, and then a couple of years later it got to where I had to leave numerous messages before she'd call back.  She'd always apologize, and even say "I've been a terrible friend", but, dude, then be a better friend. 

Because we've been friends for so long, and still communicate with each other's families, she is like family to me - good and bad - so she'd have to do something heinous for me to cut her out of my life entirely.  So what I did was change my expectations of our relationship, and thus altered what I put into it based on what I'm now getting out of it.  I never call her; I may email to tell her something, but if she wants to chat, she has to call me (and I will either answer or call back in a timely fashion).  If she asks to get together, I do if I'm in the mood, but if I'm not, I say no. 

When we do get together, we have a nice time.  We're obviously not as close as we were for so long, but now that we're on the same page again, just a different one (she's no longer as important to me as she used to be, either, now, so our friendship is balanced again), it works.  I started this about three years ago, I think, and not only am I no longer aggravated, after that first year she started calling more.

It's been 45 years together; things ebb and flow.  Maybe someday we'll be closer again.  But I'm fine with how things are now.

Maybe if you similarly put the ball in your friend's court, make her be the one to do the asking, it will instead mean she never makes plans with you.  But that's where you are already.  You can't change other people, or control their actions, only try to manage your reactions to them for your own emotional health.  I've found something that works for me, and hope you can find something that will in time allow you stop feeling hurt by her (in)actions, even if that winds up meaning the friendship has ended.

Edited June 3 by Bastet

[bluegirl147]

A few years I noticed I was usually the person who texted people first when it came to just wanting to chat.  I decided to stop doing that.  And you know what happened?  I started texting with fewer people.   I'm pretty sure there are some people who still haven't noticed they haven't gotten a text from me in a few years.  And that is OK.  As you get older when it comes to friends quality becomes more important than quantity.

[Absolom]

Sometimes friendships evolve and that includes losing their usefulness to one or both parties.  It's better to let them go with grace and skip the heartbreak.  

[Spartan Girl]

3 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

Is it possible they have become an exclusive couple?

They’re not a couple. Flint Friend is straight and married to another guy. Believe me, if they were a couple, I wouldn’t be hurt.

@Bastet your situation sounds exactly like mine, and I think your method is what I’m going to have to do. I am trying to make other friends though, it’s hard after COVID. I had a brunch group that I loved and helped me meet new people, but thanks to the pandemic, everyone started having babies and after one or two attempts from members to get it going again, there’s been radio silence. 

So yeah. I’m a little leery of trying to get into another group only to be let down AGAIN.

[Dimity]

4 hours ago, bluegirl147 said:

As you get older when it comes to friends quality becomes more important than quantity.

Definitely true for me.  I have two close friends (both made when I was in high school) and I have what I call situational friends.  These are friends who I have something in common with (co-worker/parent of one of my children's friends/neighbour type thing) and we see each other once in awhile but I doubt I'd make the cut if they were making a guest list for a wedding or whatever and that's fine with me.

I'm lucky in that I have sisters and cousins who live near me and we are a close family so maybe it would bother me that I don't have a TV show circle of friends if that weren't the case.  I don't know.  

[Bastet]

I have always had a small selection of people I consider friends, and for a long time just the three I consider very close friends (so close I wound up, as of quite a few years ago, thinking of them all as best friends) -- the "sister" friend I've been friends with since we were five (we're around 50 now) and grew up as part of each other's families (thus still being in touch with each other's families at this age), one I've been friends with since junior high, and then my "newbie" who I became friends with in our early 20s.  She's the one who'd help me hide a body (not that I'd ever do such a thing as an officer of the court, of course 😏) and, being the only one who's still local, the one I spend the most time with (although I still spent plenty of time with her when I had the other two in town; I don't want to at all give the impression she's a default!).

I value the one I've been friends with since junior high tremendously for the fact we liked and did all the same things at that age and through high school, but found our interests diverging significantly as we went through college and started our adult lives, and then settled into a pretty even split between similarities and differences by our thirties -- because it never, ever mattered at all.  We stayed every bit as close, emotionally, throughout.  We even still spent a lot of time together during the times our interests most diverged, as we just spent most of that time doing things we both loved (including nothing but sitting around with drinks and snacks, talking) and occasionally tagging along to things we wouldn't choose to do on our own but were open to trying with the other. 

Back before COVID, we got together M-W-F to go on a walk (about an hour's chat each time), and then hung out/went out about two of those Fridays per month.  In 2021, she moved out of state for financial and family reasons; she's thinking of coming back and, while I think she'll decide to stay due to the family reasons and will agree that's a good call, I'll be thrilled if she ever decides she'd rather come home.  We miss each other keenly, and talk openly about that, but we are diligent about scheduling calls at least twice a month and we generally get together twice a year -- it's like how it's always been, we just roll with it, and feel every bit as bonded even when the logistics change. 

[Yeah No]

11 hours ago, bluegirl147 said:

And that is what makes it hurt.  My high school best friend repeatedly would throw me under the bus for things I didn't do.  Even into adulthood.  I finally had to take a step back. If we run into each other we speak to each other and talk to catch up but I can't be friends with her. 

Wow, that sucks.  My friend anticipated that I would judge her for seeing that man in an open relationship so she hid it from me for 2 years.  I knew something was up but I couldn't put my finger on it and other than her taking a longer time to get in touch with me things weren't that different between us.  I just can't imagine the level of deception she went through to pull this off, though.  When he later died, she actually told me about it because I happened to called her to tell her a mutual acquaintance had passed.  This was after she had mostly disappeared.  That was the only reason she called me back and the last time I spoke with her on the phone.  Of course he had died months before but she hid that from me too.  Then she confessed that she thought I was judging her.  On what basis? 

I remember she had told me when she met him a few years before that she was torn about whether to get involved with him because of his relationship status with this other woman, but after a month of hearing her agonize about it all I told her was that if she couldn't handle it maybe it wasn't the right thing for her.  Then on that last phone call we had she accused me of telling her not to get involved with him.  I did no such thing!  Furthermore, she should have known me better than that and trusted me not to be judgmental about it.  She was not just an acquaintance I would have to pussyfoot around about issues like that.  We told each other EVERYTHING.  She knew stuff about me nobody but my husband knew.  I knew she was seeing her old boyfriend at one point years ago even though he had gotten involved with someone else.  And while I didn't agree with what she did, I NEVER acted judgmental about it because I knew what she had been through in her life and I had sympathy for her.  So why she would jump on this and call me judgmental I'll never be able to figure out. 

But like I said, I know I am still a ways from making my peace with this.  I admit that I don't have the self esteem to be resilient to things like this and just let go with grace.  I tend to be a sensitive person and people mean a lot to me.  Unfortunately they often mean more to me than I mean to them.  I admit that I feel underappreciated in general.  And to be honest I feel that I have good reason to feel that way.  I've had therapists tell me my qualities are admirable and good but that's little to no consolation.  I'm only human, I need to get back something for all I've given.  Instead I seem to get mostly rejection when I think I don't deserve it.  I'm being really raw and open about this here and that in and of itself is a risk.  At least therapy has gotten me to know in my head that I'm a good person but unfortunately again, if I am so good I should at least feel that people appreciate me.  And I don't.  And unfortunately my experience is only giving me reasons to feel that way.

[Lisa418722]

I've been thinking lately about lost friendships.  My best friend in HS and early college was the kind that would always drop me as her friend every time she started dating someone. She finally met the guy she ended up marrying and I never heard a peep from her until she called me to tell me she was getting married and wanted me to attend the wedding.  One Sunday the wedding announcement was in the paper and I got the invitation on Tuesday for the wedding that was scheduled for Saturday.  I didn't go because I had other plans and it felt like, "Oh, I forgot to send the announcement to my former friend."  I would occasionally see her mom around town, but then I moved away.  We are Facebook friends, but beyond Happy Birthday,  we rarely comment on each other's posts now.  

Then I had work friends. Well, I thought we were friends, I tried to stay in touch after I left the job but they wouldn't respond.  

I would like to make new friends, but honestly, I'm not sure at this point

[PRgal]

44 minutes ago, Lisa418722 said:

I've been thinking lately about lost friendships.  My best friend in HS and early college was the kind that would always drop me as her friend every time she started dating someone. She finally met the guy she ended up marrying and I never heard a peep from her until she called me to tell me she was getting married and wanted me to attend the wedding.  One Sunday the wedding announcement was in the paper and I got the invitation on Tuesday for the wedding that was scheduled for Saturday.  I didn't go because I had other plans and it felt like, "Oh, I forgot to send the announcement to my former friend."  I would occasionally see her mom around town, but then I moved away.  We are Facebook friends, but beyond Happy Birthday,  we rarely comment on each other's posts now.  

Then I had work friends. Well, I thought we were friends, I tried to stay in touch after I left the job but they wouldn't respond.  

I would like to make new friends, but honestly, I'm not sure at this point

You got the invite on a Tuesday for the following Saturday?  Sounds like you weren’t even on the B list but the Z list!  How awful of her!

[bluegirl147]

1 hour ago, Lisa418722 said:

We are Facebook friends, but beyond Happy Birthday,

I'm not a fan of FB birthday wishes.  If it's a FB friend's birthday I will send them a DM happy birthday.  I used to have a FB friend who would start reminding people her birthday was that month.  It was annoying as fuck.  Did she not know FB tells people when it's someone birthday? This was the same FB friend who would post football game scores while the game was still happening. She finally stopped doing that most likely because someone told her not everyone watches games live. 

6 hours ago, Yeah No said:

Unfortunately they often mean more to me than I mean to them. 

Same for me.  And that is a hard thing to accept.  With very few exceptions I think I was probably the one who valued the relationship more.  Texting and social media made it easier to figure out who you mattered to and who you did not.   One of my true blue friends was hurt when a relative tagged a bunch of family members and not her for a free DQ ice cream cone coupon.  Tell me you don't care about me without telling me you don't care about me.

6 hours ago, Yeah No said:

At least therapy has gotten me to know in my head that I'm a good person but unfortunately again, if I am so good I should at least feel that people appreciate me. 

Therapy helped me be OK with keeping my circle small.  I learned it's best to keep the real ones around and weed out the fakes.

1 hour ago, Lisa418722 said:

I would like to make new friends, but honestly, I'm not sure at this point

It's hard to trust new people. I don't blame you for being cautious.

[Yeah No]

1 hour ago, Lisa418722 said:

I've been thinking lately about lost friendships.  My best friend in HS and early college was the kind that would always drop me as her friend every time she started dating someone. She finally met the guy she ended up marrying and I never heard a peep from her until she called me to tell me she was getting married and wanted me to attend the wedding.  One Sunday the wedding announcement was in the paper and I got the invitation on Tuesday for the wedding that was scheduled for Saturday.  I didn't go because I had other plans and it felt like, "Oh, I forgot to send the announcement to my former friend."  I would occasionally see her mom around town, but then I moved away.  We are Facebook friends, but beyond Happy Birthday,  we rarely comment on each other's posts now. 

My best friend growing up moved away when I was 12 and although we corresponded by letter for a few years since back then that was the only way to keep in touch as long distance rates were too high, eventually that petered out.  I don't even remember who didn't write back to who, although I don't remember having any hard feelings about it as we were both taking a long time to write back after a while.  At any rate 9 years after she moved, when I was getting married I invited her to my wedding.  I tracked her down through her parents.  She came alone, but acted a little distant the whole time.  I was thrilled to see her and thanked her profusely for coming.  I also told her I wanted to keep in touch.  She gave me her number and I called her a couple of times but never got a call back. 

Fast forward 18 years and I found her online on Linkedin and she accepted being added to my contact list, so I gave her a call.  She had gotten married and was living in another state.  Instead of acting happy to hear from me she told me she didn't like being contacted by "people from the internet" whatever that meant and the tone in her voice told me she wasn't happy with me.  I was puzzled and said, "But xxxx, I'm not just anyone from the internet, I'm your best friend from childhood".  What she said after that made absolutely NO sense.  She said, "Well a lot's happened since then you don't even know about" as if that was some kind of impediment to catching up with an old friend.  I apologized for the "intrusion" and told her I'd respect her request for privacy even if I didn't understand it.  Later I friended her sister on Facebook who apologized and told me she couldn't explain her sister.  I left it at that.  My friend didn't have any social media presence other than Linkedin.  I just couldn't get over how my best friend treated me like I was some kind of stalker or intruder from the "internet".  I never did anything to deserve THAT!

1 hour ago, Lisa418722 said:

Then I had work friends. Well, I thought we were friends, I tried to stay in touch after I left the job but they wouldn't respond.  

I would like to make new friends, but honestly, I'm not sure at this point

I have always read that it's pretty rare that a work friend becomes a "real" friend.  I thought I had made a real friend that time 20 years ago but it turned out not to be the case.  I do have one friend that retired around the same time I did who I am still friends with, but we only get together every couple of months or so.

It is really hard to make friends after the age of 30 according to a famous article in the New York Times, which I have read many times because it's just so true.  It's even harder since the pandemic for some reason and even harder the older you get.  So I think after all that I'm pretty lucky to have a handful of friends left.

Here's the article:

https://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html?unlocked_article_code=1.xE0.BKIx.RPlG2c5hbFGz&smid=url-share

[Yeah No]

9 minutes ago, bluegirl147 said:

Same for me.  And that is a hard thing to accept.  With very few exceptions I think I was probably the one who valued the relationship more.  Texting and social media made it easier to figure out who you mattered to and who you did not.   One of my true blue friends was hurt when a relative tagged a bunch of family members and not her for a free DQ ice cream cone coupon.  Tell me you don't care about me without telling me you don't care about me.

Yeah, I really relate to this.  I hate social media because now you know your so-called friends aren't just busy with important stuff but they really ARE avoiding YOU.  Now we know they're busy with other friends and we're not invited.  I don't go through that so much on SM because most of them are just acquaintances so I don't really care that much, although it has happened with that close friend I just talked about who ghosted me a few years ago.  It really gets me that even to this day she likes my friend's Facebook posts but it's crickets when I post (which is rare but still). 

It also hurts when I write something heartfelt and it gets ignored by everyone meanwhile everyone else gets hearts and thumbs up and all that for every little fart and sneeze they post about.  I need to know I'm appreciated otherwise it really starts to hurt after a while.  And I don't think I'm doing anything wrong.  I admit I'm developing a complex about it and I don't think it's all in my head.  What did I do so wrong to deserve the cold shoulder?  You'd think I was the most awful person or constantly spewed garbage or something.....Sorry, now I really am spewing, LOL. 😉

[bluegirl147]

14 minutes ago, Yeah No said:

It also hurts when I write something heartfelt and it gets ignored by everyone meanwhile everyone else gets hearts and thumbs up and all that for every little fart and sneeze they post about. 

I post next to nothing on FB.  Mostly because I never think anyone will care about what I would post.  But after my husband died in 2012 a few months later I posted that I was having a hard time dealing with his death.  I did not get one like or comment.  Talk about feeling like nobody cared. And then you look and someone's post about making an omelet gets numerous reactions.  

17 minutes ago, Yeah No said:

I admit I'm developing a complex about it and I don't think it's all in my head.  What did I do so wrong to deserve the cold shoulder?  You'd think I was the most awful person or constantly spewed garbage or something.....Sorry, now I really am spewing, LOL. 

 I always say life is like high school.  There are cliques. And "cool kids" and the outcasts.  I know people I went to high school with who are still trying to be friends with the cool kids from high school. One woman cleans the former cool kid Queen's house.  For free.  And what made me sad was my son when he was in school it was the same. The cool kids from my time now had kids who were considered the cool kids.  I feel sorry for my oldest granddaughter's generation (she is 11) because they don't know life before social media.  Social media has really done a number on everyone. From 9-90.

43 minutes ago, Yeah No said:

t is really hard to make friends after the age of 30 according to a famous article in the New York Times, which I have read many times because it's just so true. 

As you get older you have situational friends.  Work friends. Your kid's friend's parents.  Neighbors.  And when your situation changes you lose those friends. So I think part of it is circumstances and part of it as we get older we change.  I now have a list of things that are dealbreakers for me.  I also live in an area where I don't have a lot in common with people.  I think that is true for a lot of people.

[Absolom]

1 hour ago, Yeah No said:

I just couldn't get over how my best friend treated me like I was some kind of stalker or intruder from the "internet".  I never did anything to deserve THAT!

She had left the past behind and didn't have any wish to revisit it.  It wasn't personal, just she'd left that part of her life and moved on.  You sound so much like my mother.  I spent decades telling her that her self-worth was not tied up in how other people responded to her.  Their problems were not hers to heal or to even think about. 

[Dimity]

1 hour ago, bluegirl147 said:

I now have a list of things that are dealbreakers for me.

Same.  The mixed blessing of social media really.  I've found out things about friends and family members that I probably would never have known about otherwise.  Sometimes this is a good thing - yay a distant cousin who I hardly ever see got a promotion, but mostly it's not so great - dammit a person I thought was a good friend and a good person is a Covid denier.  

[shapeshifter]

21 hours ago, PRgal said:

My BFF when I was in high school was, as an adult, diagnosed as neurodivergent.  Since then, she's been acting a bit odd.  I understand that it's good to know, but she seemed less "stereotypically neurodivergent" prior to the diagnosis.  It has been to the point that I have more or less "ghosted" her.  I feel very badly about this as I'm neurodivergent myself (though I think I was inaccurately diagnosed - ADHD vs autism spectrum).  Thoughts?

I'm old, so therapy and mental health diagnoses were not cool with parents when I was a kid. So I never thought about my being "divergent" until someone would remark about it — which did happen regularly. Fortunately I focussed on enough things that also brought praise, so it balanced out a bit. 
This👆 relates to the friendship discussion in a way that may help some feel better about the "did I do something wrong?" question. 
I like people, but I like being alone more — which seems to be a "divergent" trait. I am a great occasional friend, but I am a terrible "real" friend. 
So, yes, you might have done something "wrong." We all do lots of "wrong" stuff. But mostly we realize it and correct it and our friends get over it. 
But sometimes people just want to cut back on their friend-time because they need alone-space, and that means cutting out some friends. 

[PRgal]

13 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

I'm old, so therapy and mental health diagnoses were not cool with parents when I was a kid. So I never thought about my being "divergent" until someone would remark about it — which did happen regularly. Fortunately I focussed on enough things that also brought praise, so it balanced out a bit. 
This👆 relates to the friendship discussion in a way that may help some feel better about the "did I do something wrong?" question. 
I like people, but I like being alone more — which seems to be a "divergent" trait. I am a great occasional friend, but I am a terrible "real" friend. 
So, yes, you might have done something "wrong." We all do lots of "wrong" stuff. But mostly we realize it and correct it and our friends get over it. 
But sometimes people just want to cut back on their friend-time because they need alone-space, and that means cutting out some friends. 

Autism wasn't something girls were flagged for in the 80s and 90s either.  Unless you were non-verbal, teachers wouldn't know what to look for.  And mental healthcare such as therapy is STILL extremely stigmatized in East Asian/Confucian cultures due to traditions and beliefs about harmony and whatnot.  It's really hard to erase views that are thousands of years old.  I am very open about seeing a therapist and have written about it in the past.  My cousins (including those from my generation) and my parents think I'm absolutely CRAZY for sharing.  I think some feel embarrassed about it.

Edited June 4 by PRgal

[Dimity]

7 hours ago, bluegirl147 said:

I post next to nothing on FB.  Mostly because I never think anyone will care about what I would post.  But after my husband died in 2012 a few months later I posted that I was having a hard time dealing with his death.  I did not get one like or comment.  Talk about feeling like nobody cared. And then you look and someone's post about making an omelet gets numerous reactions.  

I'm sorry this happened to you.  What I had happen wasn't exactly the same, but it was really annoying.  After my mother died one of my cousins made a post about her death that made it sound like this was a tragic personal loss for her.  It really wasn't.

Anyway we are not constantly posting about our loss but the few times any of us do we certainly don't get the reactions she does when she posts about the loss of an aunt as opposed to a mom.  I do think to some extent though this is because she has surrounded herself with hundreds of "friends" who live their lives on FB just as she does where the rest of the family use FB as just another place we visit once in awhile.  

Edited June 4 by Dimity

[bluegirl147]

17 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

I like people, but I like being alone more — which seems to be a "divergent" trait.

I much prefer to be alone.  I have always been that way.  When I was a kid I would play with other kids and through high school did things with friends but as an adult I really leaned into be a loner. And I don't mean loner in a scary way. I just enjoyed doing things by myself.  Movies. Going out to eat. Traveling.  Partly because that is just my personality and partly because it was easier. Asking people to do things and being told no can really affect you so I just stopped asking. It's hard to not think you are the problem especially when you know they are doing things with other people. So for my own emotional well being I do things by myself. I don't have to wait on someone. I don't have someone hurrying me up. I know that doesn't work for some people but for me it's what I like.