Thrive Without Janelle: The Accountability Group

[altopower]

I'm aging and learning to live mostly in a wheelchair. I no longer drive, which is a huge life change. But then, just getting up to open the door is not what it used to be. And I've gained a LOT of weight that I'd worked hard to get off because I'm depressed and mostly sedentary at this point. But on the other hand, a year ago I couldn't even stand up by myself, so everything is relative. I do what I can at the time. Right now that's putting up Christmas decorations, though I'm waiting for help on things that are up high.

[Gramto6]

Years ago when DH was alive we spent days putting up Christmas decorations at home and our cabin. Since he passed, I don't decorate any more. I have a few ceramic figurines I have had since I was a kid, they get set out on the marble top table with a Christmas candle and that is it. It is just me and I really don't miss all the hassle.

Edited November 26, 2022 by Gramto6
typo

[altopower]

I don't put up a lot of things, less each year. I still have a tree though, but it's an ornament display metal tree so the cats don't try to climb or eat it. I have 2 nutcrackers that were my dad's, and an angel made from my mom's wedding dress. A basket full of stuffed elves. A lantern full of ornaments. That's about it. Oh, and stockings for the cats. They looked better on the fireplace at the house, but they're cute and still work.

[Yeah No]

14 hours ago, TurtlePower said:

Awwww I empathise. I’m struggling mentally with steps because I used to do so much more. If that’s not bad enough, Facebook keeps reminding me to register for the Green Bay Marathon in May and I’m not allowed to even run until April. Another year freaking lost to circumstances (2020/2021 it was covid, 2022 it was my hip and 2023 it’ll still be my hip). Thanks again social media for reminding me I’m washed up and broken (I swear social media’s goal is to make us hate ourselves). 

I’m trying to come to grips with that fact I’m no longer a competitive athlete. It’s hard because that was my persona for so long — the athletic runner. I feel like people will judge me for what I’ve become, even though we all know people age and with that, they lose their former athletic abilities. Adding on to that an eating disorder and fear of weight gain and it creates a monster inside me. 

I keep reminding myself to be grateful I’m even on the indoor cycle and to not worry what others think — I have no room in my life for mean people but deep down, I let them get to me. Emotionally I’m vulnerable and even weak.

Sorry for the ramble. It had to come out. 

No, don't be sorry, I hear you and share some of what you're feeling.  When I think of what I used to be able to do vs. now it can be depressing but I try to stay focused on the positive.  The worst thing to do would be to give up.  I don't like how I feel when I don't get enough exercise so I keep pushing even when I don't feel like it.  

I remember about 8 years ago suddenly I could no longer ride as long as I used to.  I felt like every year I could ride less comfortably.  I didn't want to overdo it and hurt myself either.  When I was 30 I used to ride 20 miles after work 3 days a week from Spring through Fall.  On weekends my husband and I would do 60 miles round trip from the Bronx to Greenwich, CT up Rt. 1 in Westchester.  When I wasn't riding I was in the gym.  We did this for years.  

In my 20s I took the police exam for Westchester County.  I passed the physical agility test.  This was over 35 years ago now when the test was geared toward athletic men.  I did 100 sit ups in record time and dragged an 80 lb. dummy up a flight of stairs, climbed a rope, ran a timed obstacle course, did push ups, etc.  Not bad for a 120 lb. 5'2" young woman!  The men were huffing and puffing their way through and looking at me enviously.  I'll never forget it.  I never got called despite getting a 97 on the written exam.  Something about corrective vision, LOL.  I know I'll never do all that again but I don't expect to either.  Getting back on a bike again would be nice, though.

Speaking of an indoor stationary bike, being short is making getting one that fits me a problem.  At my age I want one that's comfortable but finding one that isn't too big for me is turning into an issue.  When I was young I had no problem finding a stationary bike or even an office chair that wasn't too big for me but now somehow everything is being made for taller people.  I look at reviews online and all the short women complain.  Meanwhile most of this equipment is made in countries where the average female height is 5 feet even, so go figure.  I also have to find one that folds because I'm space challenged.  And not being able to "try before I buy" is an issue because now most of that stuff is online only and I'm not thrilled about taking the chance that one won't work for me.  So that is yet another obstacle standing in my way, like I needed another one!

Anyway, as my mom used to say, "You can't be a has been unless you BEEN!"

[TurtlePower]

8 hours ago, Yeah No said:

No, don't be sorry, I hear you and share some of what you're feeling.  When I think of what I used to be able to do vs. now it can be depressing but I try to stay focused on the positive.  The worst thing to do would be to give up.  I don't like how I feel when I don't get enough exercise so I keep pushing even when I don't feel like it.  

I remember about 8 years ago suddenly I could no longer ride as long as I used to.  I felt like every year I could ride less comfortably.  I didn't want to overdo it and hurt myself either.  When I was 30 I used to ride 20 miles after work 3 days a week from Spring through Fall.  On weekends my husband and I would do 60 miles round trip from the Bronx to Greenwich, CT up Rt. 1 in Westchester.  When I wasn't riding I was in the gym.  We did this for years.  

In my 20s I took the police exam for Westchester County.  I passed the physical agility test.  This was over 35 years ago now when the test was geared toward athletic men.  I did 100 sit ups in record time and dragged an 80 lb. dummy up a flight of stairs, climbed a rope, ran a timed obstacle course, did push ups, etc.  Not bad for a 120 lb. 5'2" young woman!  The men were huffing and puffing their way through and looking at me enviously.  I'll never forget it.  I never got called despite getting a 97 on the written exam.  Something about corrective vision, LOL.  I know I'll never do all that again but I don't expect to either.  Getting back on a bike again would be nice, though.

Speaking of an indoor stationary bike, being short is making getting one that fits me a problem.  At my age I want one that's comfortable but finding one that isn't too big for me is turning into an issue.  When I was young I had no problem finding a stationary bike or even an office chair that wasn't too big for me but now somehow everything is being made for taller people.  I look at reviews online and all the short women complain.  Meanwhile most of this equipment is made in countries where the average female height is 5 feet even, so go figure.  I also have to find one that folds because I'm space challenged.  And not being able to "try before I buy" is an issue because now most of that stuff is online only and I'm not thrilled about taking the chance that one won't work for me.  So that is yet another obstacle standing in my way, like I needed another one!

Anyway, as my mom used to say, "You can't be a has been unless you BEEN!"

I have the opposite problem with stationary bikes — I have mine up on the tallest setting and it still feels too short 😂 

I appreciate the encouragement and thanks for sharing. Most of the time I do try and remind myself of the more positive things, but sometimes I just wanna wallow in sadness for a bit. If I ignore it, it builds up so what I wind up doing is letting it happen so I can move forward.

I’m also trying to lighten up on worrying about every calorie and just enjoy life, because in the grand scheme of things and our place in the universe, what will my refusal of a cupcake have accomplished? Most of my life has been lived with a fear of certain foods. My goal is to enjoy them every now and then versus fearing them, but that’s proven a bit scary. I’m working on it (imagine someone’s resolution being to eat more cupcakes?) 😂 

[Yeah No]

53 minutes ago, TurtlePower said:

I have the opposite problem with stationary bikes — I have mine up on the tallest setting and it still feels too short 😂 

I appreciate the encouragement and thanks for sharing. Most of the time I do try and remind myself of the more positive things, but sometimes I just wanna wallow in sadness for a bit. If I ignore it, it builds up so what I wind up doing is letting it happen so I can move forward.

I’m also trying to lighten up on worrying about every calorie and just enjoy life, because in the grand scheme of things and our place in the universe, what will my refusal of a cupcake have accomplished? Most of my life has been lived with a fear of certain foods. My goal is to enjoy them every now and then versus fearing them, but that’s proven a bit scary. I’m working on it (imagine someone’s resolution being to eat more cupcakes?) 😂 

Isn't that ironic?  Anyone outside the average is going to be in the same situation with regard to fitting anything.  Story of my life.  I used to be able to overcome some of it but as I get older it gets harder.  Exercise equipment not only has to fit me but feel comfortable and that's a harder thing to find at an older age.  It's not something I like to risk choosing online.  The stores around me only carry the high priced equipment but I need something more affordable.  Gone are the days when Walmart carried reasonably priced equipment in the stores and gone are other stores that used to carry them, like Sears.  

I guess I'm in a mood to wallow myself.  I just ranted to my husband about how I used to be able to overcome some of the obstacles I faced being only 5'2" which now are increasingly difficult for me.  Take shopping for example.  I used to be able to do gymnastics to get something from the top shelf and very rarely needed to ask someone for help.  Now, forget it, I need to ask for help every time.  And of course everything I want seems to be on the top shelf these days!

And I hear you about the calories, especially after Thanksgiving.  My scale hasn't budged in over a week, but I guess I should be thankful I didn't gain anything after 3 days of a turkey dinner with all the sides and pumpkin pie (although I stuck to small portions and had pretty much nothing else to compensate).  I did find "no sugar added" pumpkin pie so that was good.  I know I would need to up my step count if I want to counteract that but with my bunion forget it right now.  I am taking a couple of days to "rest" so as not to aggravate it any more right now.  I say "rest" because even when I'm home I'm doing heavy housework and cooking.  It's not easy being me!  Thanks for letting me rant, and keep the faith!  😉

[altopower]

37 minutes ago, Yeah No said:

I just ranted to my husband about how I used to be able to overcome some of the obstacles I faced being only 5'2" which now are increasingly difficult for me.  Take shopping for example.  I used to be able to do gymnastics to get something from the top shelf and very rarely needed to ask someone for help.  Now, forget it, I need to ask for help every time.  And of course everything I want seems to be on the top shelf these days!

I can top that! Try going grocery shopping in a wheelchair where you can't even reach into the dairy section to grab a yogurt. Everything is up too high or too far back. But the place I shop tends to have helpful people and I've learned to get over my hesitation about asking them to get something for me. Most people are happy to help if they just know what you want. I try to think of it as not me being needy but me giving them a chance to do something for someone else.

But you're right about not being able to find as much stuff in person. Even large well-stocked stores have tons of items available only online these days.

[Gramto6]

3,575 steps yesterday. May go out today to shop if I can get up the energy to do it...otherwise it will be tomorrow...right now tomorrow sounds good...I am so tired all the time... Whelp it will be tomorrow supposed to snow today!

Yeah, I hav had to ask for help reaching things on the top shelf at the grocery sore several times. They are always happy to help. I've shrunk down to 5'4" (used to be 5'5.5") so not that small but with bad knees and back, I'm not climbing the shelves to reach things any more.  Everyone has always been so helpful in reaching things for me. I am forever grateful for their help!

[Gramto6]

I thought I was doing better yesterday...2,786 steps yesterday. Have to go to grocery store and PO today so should do better...

[Absolom]

If you're doing what is within your capabilities, then you're doing fine.

[MaddyMaeboxerbabe]

@Gramto6 did you ever get your turkey and pie?  :).  Sure hope so.   

[Gramto6]

21 hours ago, MaddyMaeboxerbabe said:

@Gramto6 did you ever get your turkey and pie?  :).  Sure hope so.   

No didn't grt out until today and just a short shopping exhausted me. I'll have my turkey and pie for Christmas. And greatly appreciate it!!

Late to post...went to grocery shop and was exhausted when I got home. A meager 2,698 steps yesterday. Hopefully today will be better with the shopping.

I take it one day at a time the numbers will be what they are...

[Gramto6]

Fell asleep in the recliner overnight...totally disoriented right now.

4,447 steps yesterday.

It is snowing again, yesterday's high was 32° today's forecast is 38°/20. 

[Gramto6]

My body clock is so off lately. Fell asleep in recliner again, woke and thought it was morning, but actually a bit after 4AM! I don't know how to reset. I need this to stop!

3,266 steps yesterday.

Think I will take a Benadryl and go to bed early, hopefully that will stop this madness...

[Gramto6]

3,162 steps Friday.

The Benadryl helped me sleep at a more regular time last night, just don't much like the stuffy day after use it leaves me with.

3,035 steps Saturday. Can't seem to get back on track sleeping wise this is making me crazy!!

[Gramto6]

2,652 steps yesterday. Went to bed early, took a Benadryl. Not going to do that too many times as I feel cotton headed half the next day...

[lookeyloo]

5 hours ago, Gramto6 said:

2,652 steps yesterday. Went to bed early, took a Benadryl. Not going to do that too many times as I feel cotton headed half the next day...

I think I read somewhere that Benadryl in people over a certain age isn't so great.  I know for me it has given me hallucinations of sorts.  It sedates me but doesn't put me to real sleep.  This was in my 60s when I tried it more than once.  Is there no doctor who can help you figure out what is going on?  I had a friend who always said she was "a pill away from perfect".  You need that pill!!

[Gramto6]

4 minutes ago, lookeyloo said:

I think I read somewhere that Benadryl in people over a certain age isn't so great.  I know for me it has given me hallucinations of sorts.  It sedates me but doesn't put me to real sleep.  This was in my 60s when I tried it more than once.  Is there no doctor who can help you figure out what is going on?  I had a friend who always said she was "a pill away from perfect".  You need that pill!!

My biggest problem I don't like pills of any kind! I will call my pcp tomorrow and see if there is something else that will help.

Just now, Gramto6 said:

My biggest problem I don't like pills of any kind! I will call my pcp tomorrow and see if there is something else that will help.

ETA I am 73 and take very little medication. Just Atenolol for high blood pressure. My Diabetes is totally controlled by diet. The fewer meds I need the better...

[lookeyloo]

20 minutes ago, Gramto6 said:

My biggest problem I don't like pills of any kind! I will call my pcp tomorrow and see if there is something else that will help.

ETA I am 73 and take very little medication. Just Atenolol for high blood pressure. My Diabetes is totally controlled by diet. The fewer meds I need the better...

Agree. I will be 79 soon and don't like the pills. But I will take one if it improves my quality of life without side effects.  You seem to have been struggling a long time. 

[Gramto6]

3,521 steps yesterday. Went to bed early and slept pretty well without Benadryl.

[Gramto6]

2,667 steps yesterday. Again went to bed early for me and slept well with no Benadryl. Taking today easy, tomorrow I will have to go out to get dry cat food.

[TurtlePower]

It’s been over 2 months since surgery and I’m doing much better. PT has me doing glute bridges and stairs and it’s paying off, my butt is rounder but looks better! I still miss running but am happy with my progress and am shifting towards more weight training (especially over the holiday season). 

[Gramto6]

Geesh, my steps are pathetic lately! This cold weather is really getting to me this year.

2,723 steps yesterday.  At least I am sleeping better w/out any meds.

[Gramto6]

5 hours ago, TurtlePower said:

It’s been over 2 months since surgery and I’m doing much better. PT has me doing glute bridges and stairs and it’s paying off, my butt is rounder but looks better! I still miss running but am happy with my progress and am shifting towards more weight training (especially over the holiday season). 

Glad to hear you are doing well. I know it is hard work but will be worth it in the end. (((HUGS)))

[Gramto6]

2,293 steps yesterday. Man, I am so broken feeling this Winter and it isn't even Winter yet!!

[msuvig]

Gram to 6

Look at the positive, you got in over 2000 steps. You are doing okay!

[Yeah No]

Just checking in to report on my progress.  I have now lost 14 pounds altogether, which is about 4 lbs. a month since I began.  My step count is between 4 and 7,000 a day.  I am eating about 1,200 calories a day, low starchy carbs, low sugar and lots of fresh foods as opposed to processed ones.  The only week the scale didn't budge was the week of Thanksgiving.  My husband and I ordered a turkey breast dinner for 4 from Whole Foods and ate it for 4 days afterward.  

[TurtlePower]

7 hours ago, Yeah No said:

Just checking in to report on my progress.  I have now lost 14 pounds altogether, which is about 4 lbs. a month since I began.  My step count is between 4 and 7,000 a day.  I am eating about 1,200 calories a day, low starchy carbs, low sugar and lots of fresh foods as opposed to processed ones.  The only week the scale didn't budge was the week of Thanksgiving.  My husband and I ordered a turkey breast dinner for 4 from Whole Foods and ate it for 4 days afterward.  

Well done! It’s great to stay focused during the holidays and still enjoy the dinners. It’s better than going off the rails and having to “start over” January 1.

I also have to eat 1,200 calories despite my workouts. It may not be fair, but it’s the cards I’m dealt. Any deviation for more than a few days and I will gain weight. 

[Yeah No]

46 minutes ago, TurtlePower said:

Well done! It’s great to stay focused during the holidays and still enjoy the dinners. It’s better than going off the rails and having to “start over” January 1.

I also have to eat 1,200 calories despite my workouts. It may not be fair, but it’s the cards I’m dealt. Any deviation for more than a few days and I will gain weight. 

Thank you, and same here, I have like zero "wiggle room" with my diet and exercise program.  Although I just read that it takes being a certain weight for a while (as in 3 months) before eating a little more results in a plateau and not gaining.  I've been there before and that knowledge actually helps because I know I won't have to stay on 1,200 calories forever.  I will probably be able to eat more like 1,500.  I seem to be very good at maintaining, or my body is very good at it, so that's good.   So take heart, it will probably not be forever.

BTW, as usual I should have waited until I weighed in this morning to post my weight loss because I lost another pound since my last weigh-in a few days ago, so that makes 15 pounds lost so far!  Woo hoo!

Edited December 10, 2022 by Yeah No

[Yeah No]

I thought I'd post my "food diary" entry from yesterday in case anyone's interested in what my diet looks like.  The cocktail shrimp were unusual for breakfast but they were leftover from the day before and needed to be eaten.  Usually I might have a fried egg instead depending on what the rest of my day will look like.  The hamburger was also unusual but again another leftover item I needed to finish (I only have red meat once a week).  Usually I might have a few slices of deli turkey breast or a half tuna or peanut butter sandwich on reduced calorie and carb bread (Schmidt's Old Tyme 6-4-7 bread, which is very good!).  Some mornings I have oatmeal instead of the bagel or 2 eggs and a whole grain English muffin.  Some of my snacks include a Jello sugar free pudding cup, a handful of nuts, a homemade yogurt/fruit bowl or a fruit smoothie with that blended with some ice.  I also make yogurt/pudding pies, like my favorite banana cream pie with a reduced fat Keebler crust and a no bake pumpkin cream pie also made with sugar free pumpkin yogurt, canned pumpkin and sugar free cool whip, also on a reduced fat Keebler graham crust.  Of course those last two desserts I make only once in a while.  Sometimes I also "indulge" in a Walmart no-sugar-added ice cream sandwich, which is only 100 calories and low fat too.  Or I have one Voortman sugar free cookie, which is also pretty low fat.  I try to keep the processed foods to a minimum but it is hard to do that with snacks.  I can't eat just fruit all the time.  And forget chips now, they're totally off the menu!

Breakfast:    ½ bagel with cream cheese topping.
                     8 small cocktail shrimp with cocktail sauce.

Lunch:    Raw veggie tray with light ranch dressing dip
                4 oz. 93% lean hamburger.

Dinner:    Rotisserie chicken leg and thigh with skin removed.
                Homemade sauteed baby spinach and mushroom in EVOO with garlic and shallot and 2 oz. leftover mashed potatoes.

Snack:    1 medium apple.

Beverages:    Hot tea, iced tea, water

Activity:        Walking 5,723 steps
 

Edited December 10, 2022 by Yeah No

[Gramto6]

4,443 steps Friday. Surprised myself!!

3,500 steps Saturday.

[lookeyloo]

On 12/10/2022 at 9:47 AM, Yeah No said:

I thought I'd post my "food diary" entry from yesterday in case anyone's interested in what my diet looks like.  The cocktail shrimp were unusual for breakfast but they were leftover from the day before and needed to be eaten.  Usually I might have a fried egg instead depending on what the rest of my day will look like.  The hamburger was also unusual but again another leftover item I needed to finish (I only have red meat once a week).  Usually I might have a few slices of deli turkey breast or a half tuna or peanut butter sandwich on reduced calorie and carb bread (Schmidt's Old Tyme 6-4-7 bread, which is very good!).  Some mornings I have oatmeal instead of the bagel or 2 eggs and a whole grain English muffin.  Some of my snacks include a Jello sugar free pudding cup, a handful of nuts, a homemade yogurt/fruit bowl or a fruit smoothie with that blended with some ice.  I also make yogurt/pudding pies, like my favorite banana cream pie with a reduced fat Keebler crust and a no bake pumpkin cream pie also made with sugar free pumpkin yogurt, canned pumpkin and sugar free cool whip, also on a reduced fat Keebler graham crust.  Of course those last two desserts I make only once in a while.  Sometimes I also "indulge" in a Walmart no-sugar-added ice cream sandwich, which is only 100 calories and low fat too.  Or I have one Voortman sugar free cookie, which is also pretty low fat.  I try to keep the processed foods to a minimum but it is hard to do that with snacks.  I can't eat just fruit all the time.  And forget chips now, they're totally off the menu!

Breakfast:    ½ bagel with cream cheese topping.
                     8 small cocktail shrimp with cocktail sauce.

Lunch:    Raw veggie tray with light ranch dressing dip
                4 oz. 93% lean hamburger.

Dinner:    Rotisserie chicken leg and thigh with skin removed.
                Homemade sauteed baby spinach and mushroom in EVOO with garlic and shallot and 2 oz. leftover mashed potatoes.

Snack:    1 medium apple.

Beverages:    Hot tea, iced tea, water

Activity:        Walking 5,723 steps
 

Nice choices!  I have been "watching" what I eat since I was a young obese adult. I'm about to turn 79 and of normal weight for a petite person.  I have been known to keep a food diary, measuring, weighing, counting, etc.  Now I seem to know what is what without that. One doctor told me long ago "eat less, move more" and it does seem to work. Not easy, but works for me.   I am one who can eat one hershey kiss. I don't buy bread that I like because that could easily be my undoing.  I buy the cheapest white bread in LIDL at 50 cents a loaf.  Mr lookeyloo is fine with it.  It doesn't tempt me much.  Every once in awhile during the pandemic and when my son was dying, I baked a loaf of bread.  And ate it.  Stopped doing that.  I told my family never to get me a bread machine because before long I'd be on my 600 lb. life and someone would be taking a wall out of the house to get me out.  I also used to go to the gym for classes regularly, but the pandemic and sick son stopped that.  Now I walk in the hilly subdivision most days and make 3.5 miles and about 9000 steps.  And I agree that processed foods make it harder.  I would rather cook an evening meal than go out.  Nothing fancy, but tastes good.

[javajeanelaine]

ok if I join in?  I need some accountability and trying to get my A1C to a normal range.

[Gramto6]

33 minutes ago, javajeanelaine said:

ok if I join in?  I need some accountability and trying to get my A1C to a normal range.

When i was first diagnosed with diabetes in 2012 I went on a very strict low carb/high fat diet. It did wonders for me at the time. Now I know what foods will do to me so am careful what I eat. My last A1c was 5.5% in June this year. Good luck to you, hope you find what will help you  get there.

[Yeah No]

4 hours ago, javajeanelaine said:

ok if I join in?  I need some accountability and trying to get my A1C to a normal range.

I hear you!  My A1C is always just around 5.7 or 5.8 which is on the border between normal and pre-diabetic.  I just got tested last week at 5.8.  It doesn't seem to matter how much I weigh either.  It was about the same 6.5 years ago when I was 25 lbs. heavier than I am now (and not on a diet yet) and the same 4 years ago when I was 12 lbs. lighter than I am now and unable to eat much because of my gallbladder symptoms, which was removed at the end of 2018.   It also didn't matter that I stepped up my exercise and eliminated most added sugar and limited starchy carbs either, or started taking fiber supplements.  My mother was exactly the same.  She was far heavier for her height than I am for mine and her A1C was always about the same. 

Unfortunately I can't take Metformin without a lot of stomach upset so I am waiting to see my medical weight loss doctor on Friday to see if she can prescribe something else.  Of course they're predicting another snow storm on Friday so I might have to reschedule and that sucks because I only get to see this doctor once every 3 months and the last time was in September.  I just hope that either the weather isn't that bad or they can reschedule me sooner rather than later.  Although I am losing weight it's just coming off more slowly than I would like.  

My husband just found out he's a type 2 diabetic over this past summer and has lost 40 lbs. with dieting and Metformin and his A1C and glucose are all now in the normal range or like me hovering on the border of Normal/pre-diabetic.  That is phenomenal considering what his levels were 6 months ago without medication.  His A1C was 10!!  Of course thanks to being a man and the fact that his blood sugar issues were mostly caused by his poor diet when he's out working, he was able to lose a lot of weight in a short amount of time.  I'm just hoping that maybe as I lose more weight  and possibly find medication that helps, my numbers will start going down.

[Gramto6]

Missed some days here...

12/11 2,385 steps

12/12 1958 steps

12/13 2,083 steps

[MaddyMaeboxerbabe]

Glad you checked in @Gramto6!  You were missed :).  

[Gramto6]

This season has been really hard for me!  There have been a few times in my life when I have considered suicide... this season is really getting to me... I can't do it to my family but at some point it makes some kind of sense...

5 hours ago, MaddyMaeboxerbabe said:

Glad you checked in @Gramto6!  You were missed :).  

Thanks!!

[MaddyMaeboxerbabe]

@Gramto6 coming from a daughter whose father took his own life I wish he would have talked to me about how hard he was doing mentally/emotionally/physically.  It happened almost 9 years ago and I still have nightmares!  Please talk to your grown children and share with them what you are going through.   Also get some professional help?  

[msuvig]

Gram to 6- Please reach out out to someone, your family, your doctor. I know I'm not on here much, but I know you've had some difficulties the last few months, and what you posted is concerning. I care about you.

[Gramto6]

2,261 steps yesterday.

Sometimes I think you have to voice the thought to realize it is not the right course. I'm OK, it has just been hard the last couple of months.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Yeah No]

Hey @Gramto6, I've been concerned about you too.  Life's tough as you get older especially when you live alone.  You need to be reaching out to the people that love you.  Don't be too proud or worry that you'll be a bother.  They would rather know the what's going on now when they can potentially help you.  

My father hid a lot from me after my mom died.  He took advantage of the fact that I lived 100 miles away and didn't see what was going on on a daily basis with him.  Even though I talked to him and/or exchanged emails every day he was still able to "fool" me about how certain things really were.  Among the things he hid from me was the fact that his heart doctor told him he needed to go for an angioplasty, which he ignored, then suddenly a couple of years later when he was about 82 he wasn't feeling so good.  He got scared and went to the doctor, who told him he needed a triple bypass IMMEDIATELY.  Let me tell you, I was so mad at him when I found out, but I didn't let him know because I didn't want to make him feel bad and have it affect his health.  I was on pins and needles for the 2 weeks between his diagnosis and his surgery.  Fortunately he came out OK, but he could have died at any time without help.  I was unemployed at the time so I was able to drop everything and go live with him for a while before and after his surgery.  I was his only close family member left.  And let me tell you, I would do it again gladly to help my father if he were still alive.  

Anyway the point is you don't do anyone any good not being honest and communicative with your family or friends about your situation.  You may think you're OK but you may need a reality check.  I'm not saying that to be snarky because I too need my friends and loved ones to give me a reality check every now and then.  And sometimes they help me to find ways to help myself or just find ways to look at my situation a little differently.  It's not just about them rushing to my side all the time.  

[lookeyloo]

19 hours ago, Gramto6 said:

This season has been really hard for me!  There have been a few times in my life when I have considered suicide... this season is really getting to me... I can't do it to my family but at some point it makes some kind of sense...

Thanks!!

Just wanted to echo the others.  My brother took his life in 2002 - he had us - he never told us - we are left with the aftermath.  @Yeah No's last paragraph is quite profound.  @MaddyMaeboxerbabealso added some serious information.  Please reach out.  Please call here  https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox 

Don't tell us if that is more comfortable to you.  Please don't do nothing!!!!!

[altopower]

And if you just want someone not-family to talk to, message me and I'll call you anytime.  Actually, that goes for all of you if you want someone to talk to. Hugs, my friends!

[Rabbit Hutch]

15 hours ago, Gramto6 said:

2,261 steps yesterday.

Sometimes I think you have to voice the thought to realize it is not the right course. I'm OK, it has just been hard the last couple of months.

Thanks for your thoughts.

I don't come out in this thread often, but you're one of my favorite posters, here.  For realz.  

I'm not making light of your situation, but just know that it seems everyone is struggling (and hard) this holiday season.  I don't know if its the leftover zeitgeist from the pandemic, or folks are sniffing the air to see what's coming next for our country, but the angst and depression is strong out here.  It's  not just you, hun.  Please, please understand that.

My poor DH just found out his very good friend died of a heart attack yesterday.  It's just awful, as he was a good man.  This after the new strain of the flu has taken me off the truck for the rest of this holiday season, and he's running out there by himself.  I was having a hard enough time trying to keep his spirits up, before.  Now, it's impossible.

We love ya, hun, but perhaps you should seek out someone you can trust to talk over your feelings.  Montana winters are long and hard, maybe a little help along the way will make it easier.

You take care of yourself.  🫂

[Yeah No]

6 hours ago, Rabbit Hutch said:

We love ya, hun, but perhaps you should seek out someone you can trust to talk over your feelings.  Montana winters are long and hard, maybe a little help along the way will make it easier.

I agree and so true.  Speaking of Montana winters, one of my husband's long time limo. clients (now retired) comes back to his home in CT for the Winters from his ranch in Montana.  The irony of that is not lost on us because Connecticut is a state people usually leave for warmer climates in the Winters!

Hope you feel better soon!

[TurtlePower]

On 12/14/2022 at 8:54 PM, Gramto6 said:

This season has been really hard for me!  There have been a few times in my life when I have considered suicide... this season is really getting to me... I can't do it to my family but at some point it makes some kind of sense...

Thanks!!

My heart hurts for you. I know how painful those thoughts can be, I’ve had them too at times. I also know how hard it is to reach out, to try and explain what you’re feeling and hoping someone will understand, just listen and not judge.

Hugs. We’re here for you. 💕

[Yeah No]

11 minutes ago, TurtlePower said:

My heart hurts for you. I know how painful those thoughts can be, I’ve had them too at times. I also know how hard it is to reach out, to try and explain what you’re feeling and hoping someone will understand, just listen and not judge.

I had clinical depression a little over 20 years ago.  A series of negative things happening put me over the edge.  My husband and I separated and my job went from great to toxic.  I ended up putting my stuff in storage and living in a friend's house for a while.  I also had those thoughts at that time.  Maybe it's because of my master's in counseling psych. that I knew I needed to reach out, and I did.  I ended up in a group and individual therapy program for depression.  As much as I felt like crawling in a hole and never seeing anyone again, forcing myself to engage in that program really helped me to get over my depression. 

One of the most helpful aspects of the program was an art therapy class.  I still have the artwork I did when in that class, in fact I just saw it in a file cabinet a couple of days ago.  I can't look at it without crying.  One of the exercises involved cutting out photos from magazines that had meaning for you and "defined" you and the things that you once took pleasure in in life.  I cut out fashion photos, photos of people eating together, photos of high end automobiles, photos of food and people cooking, nice houses, people walking in the woods, bike riding, exercising, talking on the phone, singing in church, going to school, etc.   We were given glue like in grade school and told to make a collage with the photos.  I can't believe how to this day that collage says everything anyone needs to know about what gives me meaning in life.  I remember when I was done with it I felt numb to everything in it.  My head acknowledged that these things once meant something to me but my feelings weren't in it at the time.  I actually think doing that exercise helped to put me back in touch with those feelings as hard as they were to feel at the time. 

And that's the thing about coming out of real clinical depression.  You are numb to the things that once gave you pleasure because it's too painful to feel when you're depressed.  You feel like you've lost everything and nothing will ever give you pleasure anymore because your life feels meaningless.  And rather than face that loss you hide from it and only get further depressed and convinced your life has no meaning anymore.  That program helped me to realize that one day I would be able to find satisfaction and happiness in those things, and to regain the hope for that day.  Once I realized that my feelings were eventually able to follow.  Even if I didn't feel that way in the moment, I at least had the hope that one day I would feel that way.  The medication also helped.  It lessened the pain and made it more possible for me to see things more rationally.

I had stopped working for several months because of the depression.  Thanks to the therapy, I eventually came out of my depression enough to get a great job in my new area (where I am now).  I was fortunate in that being unemployed for several months I was able to visit my mother in the hospital when she had an infected leg.  Due to her medical conditions it took a month to get it under control.  I was able to drive down to NYC at least 3 times a week to spend the day with her.  She was released from the hospital only a few days after I got the new job.  I figured I'd go down to visit her that weekend.  Well, she died of a massive stroke before that weekend came.  So then my depression turned to grief.  Then only a few weeks later we had September 11th. 

Yeah, my life was a rollercoaster then (and my husband and I eventually got back together after several years), but the whole experience taught me that feelings and depression are temporary and transitory and that life is always worth living even when things are hard and problems seem insurmountable.  It also taught me the difference between being a little depressed and being completely clinically depressed.  And there's a big difference!  But most of all, it taught me that we can't be in this life completely alone.  We have to reach out to other people and include them in our lives, and accept their help.  Shutting people out only causes depression or makes it worse.  We just have to find the right people, and I found the right people in that program.  I was very lucky to have found it, but it wasn't just luck.  I sought it out.  I at least still felt worthy of being helped.  And that's the main thing.  Don't let it get to the point that you don't feel worthy of help or you think there's no helping you.  Or if you feel that way push past it and seek help anyway.

Sorry to go on so long, I don't know where that came from, but I'm just hoping it helps!

[TurtlePower]

19 minutes ago, Yeah No said:

I had clinical depression a little over 20 years ago.  A series of negative things happening put me over the edge.  My husband and I separated and my job went from great to toxic.  I ended up putting my stuff in storage and living in a friend's house for a while.  I also had those thoughts at that time.  Maybe it's because of my master's in counseling psych. that I knew I needed to reach out, and I did.  I ended up in a group and individual therapy program for depression.  As much as I felt like crawling in a hole and never seeing anyone again, forcing myself to engage in that program really helped me to get over my depression. 

One of the most helpful aspects of the program was an art therapy class.  I still have the artwork I did when in that class, in fact I just saw it in a file cabinet a couple of days ago.  I can't look at it without crying.  One of the exercises involved cutting out photos from magazines that had meaning for you and "defined" you and the things that you once took pleasure in in life.  I cut out fashion photos, photos of people eating together, photos of high end automobiles, photos of food and people cooking, nice houses, people walking in the woods, bike riding, exercising, talking on the phone, singing in church, going to school, etc.   We were given glue like in grade school and told to make a collage with the photos.  I can't believe how to this day that collage says everything anyone needs to know about what gives me meaning in life.  I remember when I was done with it I felt numb to everything in it.  My head acknowledged that these things once meant something to me but my feelings weren't in it at the time.  I actually think doing that exercise helped to put me back in touch with those feelings as hard as they were to feel at the time. 

And that's the thing about coming out of real clinical depression.  You are numb to the things that once gave you pleasure because it's too painful to feel when you're depressed.  You feel like you've lost everything and nothing will ever give you pleasure anymore because your life feels meaningless.  And rather than face that loss you hide from it and only get further depressed and convinced your life has no meaning anymore.  That program helped me to realize that one day I would be able to find satisfaction and happiness in those things, and to regain the hope for that day.  Once I realized that my feelings were eventually able to follow.  Even if I didn't feel that way in the moment, I at least had the hope that one day I would feel that way.  The medication also helped.  It lessened the pain and made it more possible for me to see things more rationally.

I had stopped working for several months because of the depression.  Thanks to the therapy, I eventually came out of my depression enough to get a great job in my new area (where I am now).  I was fortunate in that being unemployed for several months I was able to visit my mother in the hospital when she had an infected leg.  Due to her medical conditions it took a month to get it under control.  I was able to drive down to NYC at least 3 times a week to spend the day with her.  She was released from the hospital only a few days after I got the new job.  I figured I'd go down to visit her that weekend.  Well, she died of a massive stroke before that weekend came.  So then my depression turned to grief.  Then only a few weeks later we had September 11th. 

Yeah, my life was a rollercoaster then (and my husband and I eventually got back together after several years), but the whole experience taught me that feelings and depression are temporary and transitory and that life is always worth living even when things are hard and problems seem insurmountable.  It also taught me the difference between being a little depressed and being completely clinically depressed.  And there's a big difference!  But most of all, it taught me that we can't be in this life completely alone.  We have to reach out to other people and include them in our lives, and accept their help.  Shutting people out only causes depression or makes it worse.  We just have to find the right people, and I found the right people in that program.  I was very lucky to have found it, but it wasn't just luck.  I sought it out.  I at least still felt worthy of being helped.  And that's the main thing.  Don't let it get to the point that you don't feel worthy of help or you think there's no helping you.  Or if you feel that way push past it and seek help anyway.

Sorry to go on so long, I don't know where that came from, but I'm just hoping it helps!

I think sharing always helps. Hugs! 

[Gramto6]

2,201 steps yesterday. Just can't seem to get them up again...

Thanks everyone! I am really OK, been down this road before after DH passed away. It is just so cold very early this time of year. But I got my Chewy order today and can feed my kitties again and they make me smile so much!! How can 14 kitties not make you happy??