Music Videos: The Worst

[Jeebus Cripes]

I love me some bad music videos. To be clear, I don't mean videos that are intentionally cheesy. I'm all about really bad videos that had no intention of sucking. Some of them might even have great songs attached to them, but the video is completely ridiculous. I record a lot of VH1 Classic, and I've seen some nightmares, but by far the absolute worst (but possibly best?) is this gem:

 

 

"Rock Me Tonite" by Billy Squier is just on another level, people. The satin sheets; the shirt ripping; the crawling on the floor; the pink; the DANCING. My god, the dancing. It's important to note that this is not a parody. This is Billy Squier's attempt at sexy. I live for how earnest he is about it all. Like, dude is giving you his everything, he's leaving it all out there, and it is fabulous. I can't even tell you how much life this bad video gives me. 

[GaT]

This should be a fun topic, I bet it's going to be loaded with 80s videos. I'm going to add this video for one reason only, what music are those women dancing to? What beat are they following? Do they even know the song the band is playing? The first time I saw this video many years ago, that was the first thing I noticed, & it's stayed with me all this time. I think the song is great, but those women (I don't even know why they're there) are really distracting.

 

So, ladies & gentlemen, may I present Tempted by Squeeze.

[AimingforYoko]

Hall & Oates are famous for their bad videos, but this one is my nomination for the worst:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s22ufU-67iM

And of course your hair metal is good for some Grade A cheese:

Edited July 6, 2014 by AimingforYoko

[Jeebus Cripes]

This should be a fun topic, I bet it's going to be loaded with 80s videos. I'm going to add this video for one reason only, what music are those women dancing to? What beat are they following? Do they even know the song the band is playing? The first time I saw this video many years ago, that was the first thing I noticed, & it's stayed with me all this time. I think the song is great, but those women (I don't even know why they're there) are really distracting.

 

I generally tend to give performance videos a pass, but those women are horrible. On that note, if bad dancing is your pet peeve, try to avoid almost any performance video of The Human League. I mean... what is happening here? Thank god beautiful Phil Oakley is distracting from those spastic women.

 

 

Hall & Oates are famous for their bad videos, but this one is my nomination for the worst:

 

Thank you for posting this! I'd forgotten how completely ridiculous "Adult Education" is. I would love to hear the director's pitch for that video, because I have no clue WTF is going on. Also, who's idea was it to have Oats not wear a shirt under that jacket? Put your clothes back on, man. Don't nobody wanna see that sad chest.

 

Hair metal could practically own this thread. That Dokken video is one I hadn't seen, and it does not disappoint! I nearly died at the 2:54 mark when he's chained in bed with those feminine legs. In My Dreams is cheesy as hell, too. 

 

My personal hair metal pick would be vintage Queensryche:

It's like the general formula for any '80s metal video, only on steroids and turned to 11. Amazing. I feel like it should be in a museum of cheese. Queensryche went on to have some quality videos later on, but I will never let them live this one down. Long may it reign.

[GaT]

I generally tend to give performance videos a pass, but those women are horrible. On that note, if bad dancing is your pet peeve, try to avoid almost any performance video of The Human League. I mean... what is happening here? Thank god beautiful Phil Oakley is distracting from those spastic women.

I think everyone was high back then & heard different music in their heads. It's the only explanation.

Edited July 7, 2014 by GaT

[roamyn]

The biggest headscratcher (that I recall) from the 80's is Bonnie Tyler's 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'. Great song, f-d up video.

[Jeebus Cripes]

^^^ Yes, that video is totally bizarre and not really in a good way. 

 

Speaking of bizarre, what the hell am I supposed to make of this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JjhBv2dqsk

I mean, I can appreciate how much work went into making those... aliens? But this relates to the song how?

 

This is a classic:

I love Kix, but this is cheesy even by '80s standards.

[VCRTracking]

 

The biggest headscratcher (that I recall) from the 80's is Bonnie Tyler's 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'. Great song, f-d up video.

 

I love the "Literal Video Verson" of it:

 

Edited July 14, 2014 by VCRTracking

[ramble]

@VCRTracking that was amazingly awesome! Thanks for sharing. I love that song but always avoided any video of it, but that was worth seeing!

[Jeebus Cripes]

@VCRTracking, that video just gave me life!

 

This is epic:

 

Motley Crue has a few worthy of the thread, but "Too Young To Fall In Love" cracks my shit up. The Crue is there to stop an Asian pimp, but in the end they just blow the idea off because of.... reasons. There's an amazing fight sequence that's every bit as bad as you would imagine.

Edited July 14, 2014 by Jeebus Cripes

[Shannon L.]

Someone explained to me in another thread how to copy the You Tube videos right to the page and since I didn't have to do it right away, I don't remember what they said, nor can I find the post.  If someone could tell me again, I promise to write it down somewhere.

 

Anyway, here's the link to Centerfold by the J. Geils Band.  Peter Wolf's dancing and clothing choices always killed me and I guess the girls were only allowed to have any facial expressions during the "na, na, na...." part (yeah, I know, women as objects...bleh).  I also got a kick out of the one girl in the back trying to do a split jump in the hallway at the very end :)

Edited July 15, 2014 by Shannon L.

[Jeebus Cripes]

Someone explained to me in another thread how to copy the You Tube videos right to the page and since I didn't have to do it right away, I don't remember what they said, nor can I find the post.  If someone could tell me again, I promise to write it down somewhere.

 

Anyway, here's the link to Centerfold by the J. Geils Band.  Peter Wolf's dancing and clothing choices always killed me and I guess the girls were only allowed to have any facial expressions during the "na, na, na...." part (yeah, I know, women as objects...bleh).  I also got a kick out of the one girl in the back trying to do a split jump in the hallway at the very end :)

 

You just copy the url from the address bar at the top of the video page, and then paste it directly into your post. Instead of showing up as text, it'll be the video when you hit reply. That split-jump was weak! I was watching Peter Wolf's Lights Out the other day and LMAO at his white boy shimmy. 

[Shannon L.]

Thanks, Jeebus Cripes!  Let's test it:

 

 

Also, there's a saxophone player in the beginning.  Does anyone hear a saxophone in that song? I hear a lot of synthesizers.

 

ETA: It worked.  Thanks!

Edited July 15, 2014 by Shannon L.

[Jeebus Cripes]

^^^ No, I don't hear a sax, either. I honestly have no idea what's making that sound, but synth sounds about right. 

 

Lionel just wants to say hello, and you know, stalk the crap out of you:

[Athena]

@Jeebus Cripes That was creepy. Could he have not done the video pretending to be her professor. I mean he was her teacher and her stalker, too? Strange.

[Jeebus Cripes]

Oh, there are so many creepy layers of wrong, @Athena. First, when you find out he's her professor and lusting after her; Second, he begins to stalk the blind girl who has no clue; Third, that uber scary bust she made at the end. The director was like, "But look, it's not creepy....she loves him too... she made a massive head sculpt!" 

 

The Starburst commercial was gold, though:

Edited July 17, 2014 by Jeebus Cripes

[photo fox]

Jeez, that was horrifying.

[Kromm]

Paris Hilton is back in the music biz.  Run for the hills!  It's bad autotune city!

 

 

Somehow this shit already has a million and a half views in a week.  Probably from media embedding it in articles mocking it. 

[Jeebus Cripes]

Somehow this shit already has a million and a half views in a week.  Probably from media embedding it in articles mocking it. 

 

Bloody hell! I can't stand autotune. It sounds like a voice melting. Not that I'd rather hear her unaltered, mind you. My ears are still recovering from the Britney Spears track making the rounds.

 

VH1 Classic played this the other day, and I laughed and laughed... thank god the '80s happened.

[BatmanBeatles]

I love me some bad music videos. To be clear, I don't mean videos that are intentionally cheesy. I'm all about really bad videos that had no intention of sucking. Some of them might even have great songs attached to them, but the video is completely ridiculous. I record a lot of VH1 Classic, and I've seen some nightmares, but by far the absolute worst (but possibly best?) is this gem:

 

 

"Rock Me Tonite" by Billy Squier is just on another level, people. The satin sheets; the shirt ripping; the crawling on the floor; the pink; the DANCING. My god, the dancing. It's important to note that this is not a parody. This is Billy Squier's attempt at sexy. I live for how earnest he is about it all. Like, dude is giving you his everything, he's leaving it all out there, and it is fabulous. I can't even tell you how much life this bad video gives me. 

That was so hard to watch. It's like watching someone make a fool of himself at a talent show.

[Jeebus Cripes]

It could be worse, @BatmanBeatles. You could know the guy in real life.

Edited July 25, 2014 by Jeebus Cripes

[BizBuzz]

Two of my top twenty fave performers, doing a song that I actually liked, but the most sucky video ever:

 

[Shannon L.]

 

"Rock Me Tonite" by Billy Squier is just on another level, people.

Bwah!  I'd forgotten all about that video.  The first 20 seconds showed promise, then it went down hill from there starting with the white, drawstring pants he put on.  Interestingly, many of the dance moves reminded me of the dancing in the Footloose warehouse sequence--and both the movie and the came out in 1984. 

[Jeebus Cripes]

Two of my top twenty fave performers, doing a song that I actually liked, but the most sucky video ever:

 

 

Holy shitballs! Every couple of years or so, I see this video, and then my mind represses it entirely like it never existed. I can enjoy such glorious camp at the privacy of my PC, but there have been occasions when this came on with other people around, and I am unable the live down the shame it causes me. Everyone knows I'm a David Bowie fiend, and I absolutely cannot defend him when it comes to this. That last shot of the asses, though! 

 

Bwah!  I'd forgotten all about that video.  The first 20 seconds showed promise, then it went down hill from there starting with the white, drawstring pants he put on.  Interestingly, many of the dance moves reminded me of the dancing in the Footloose warehouse sequence--and both the movie and the came out in 1984. 

 

His hair is very Flashdance, too. Come to think of it, so is his wardrobe.

[BizBuzz]

Everyone knows I'm a David Bowie fiend, and I absolutely cannot defend him when it comes to this.

I think we might have to fight for the top fiend for Bowie club. ::giggle::

As much as I love Bowie, I never got into his videos all that much. Bowie videos to me are like watching a movie after you read the book. Something doesn't fit right. He tells a story in his songs that I would much rather let live in my head. If that makes sense.

[AimingforYoko]

I never believed that story about Bowie and Jagger....until I saw that video.

[Jeebus Cripes]

^^^ LMAO!

 

 

 

I think we might have to fight for the top fiend for Bowie club. ::giggle::

As much as I love Bowie, I never got into his videos all that much. Bowie videos to me are like watching a movie after you read the book. Something doesn't fit right. He tells a story in his songs that I would much rather let live in my head. If that makes sense.

 

Steel cage match? I dig a lot of his videos, but some are very WTF. Where Are We Now? scares the crap out of me. China Girl is very cheesy. I'm Afraid of Americans is WTF in the most amazing way.

[BizBuzz]

Steel cage match? I dig a lot of his videos, but some are very WTF. Where Are We Now? scares the crap out of me. China Girl is very cheesy. I'm Afraid of Americans is WTF in the most amazing way.

 

HA!  I was running out of time yesterday ... I was actually going to find and post China Girl!  I haven't seen it in years, but I remember whenever it came on, I would be like, come on David, you can do better than that. 

 

I know this is a music video thread, but if you want to read some funny snark on the whole Jagger/Bowie video, this is it.

[Jeebus Cripes]

I know this is a music video thread, but if you want to read some funny snark on the whole Jagger/Bowie video, this is it.

 

Oh, man. When I read a 25 yr old was gonna recap it, I thought he was gonna tear it apart. He seemed to be digging it, though. Love this bit: "They’re too active. We don’t have the technology to document this, clearly, in image form."

 

The bits where they're pulling faces at one another... I would think it was intentional cheese, but then there are these serious shots in between the campiness. I just don't get it.

[Shannon L.]

Betty Davis Eyes, by Kim Carnes:

 

 

First off, they focus more on gloved hands than anyone's eyes.  Then, you have the odd dancing (including face slaps) of people who appear to be dressed in various costumes as one would see, I suppose, at a costume ball. The band looks like they are dressed as pirates and, no wonder Kim is wearing sunglasses in the beginning and end of the video with the glare of that incredibly bright light!

[Jeebus Cripes]

^^^ LOL at the choreographed bitchslaps.

[spaceytraci1208]

This is one of my all-time favorite videos just because of how bad it is. The faces...the dancing...running his fingers through his own hair...Ladies and Gents, I present to you, Al B Sure!

Edited August 3, 2014 by spaceytraci1208

[Jeebus Cripes]

This is one of my all-time favorite videos just because of how bad it is. The faces...the dancing...running his fingers through his own hair...Ladies and Gents, I present to you, Al B Sure!

 

I've always liked that song but never had the pleasure of seeing the bad video before now. His "sexy" face is epic! The whole thing reminds me of how horribly unsexy Color Me Badd was back then. Everything about them turned me off. LOL.

[AimingforYoko]

One thing about Al B. Sure!, he rocked that unibrow proudly.

[Sun-Bun]

One thing about Al B. Sure!, he rocked that unibrow proudly.

God, I loved that song, but that video gave me the creeps---he and his unibrowed "sexy" face are sooo ugly and scary, bless his greasy-haired heart! He really looked like a serial killer in some of those shots; I always wondered how in the Hell did his record company allow him to go around without waxing that shit off?

Kate Bush had some seriously cracked out videos back in the day---this is one of many that featured her and some whack extras dancing around on a hilariously cheap set with bad hair/clothes and looking completely deranged:

[harrie]

I absofreakinlutely loved Kate Bush (and still do).  But yeah.....the videos.  

[BetterButter]

[BizBuzz]

I don't know if this is the worst (I am not a fan of black and white thinking), but this is a video I never understood, although I absofrickenlutely love the song.  Thanks to Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush:

 

[Jeebus Cripes]

^^^ I saw that for the first time the other day and was amazed the director thought anyone would be entertained by watching two people hug for 6 long minutes. Holy shit. That's a long hug, man.

 

 

OMG. My brain completely discarded this song and video (rightfully so), and now I can not stop laughing! Priceless.

[Rick Kitchen]

Rockwell, "Somebody's Watching Me" (what is it with all of those videos with skinny white guys in diapers? And why is the newspaper in Chinese?)

 

 

Laura Branigan, "Self Control" (why are the streets lined with plastic?  What's with the guy in the white mask? Interesting orgy.  Creepy doll.)

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8-pP4VboBk

[PrincessLuceval]

I posted this in the scariest video thread too, but it also belongs here. WTF?

 

[Jeebus Cripes]

Holy shit! I was not prepared for that.

[GaT]

I hate this song, I hate this video, but what really drives me crazy is the guy orders a bacon sandwich with lots of cheese, & she changes his order to a BLT & then he's the bad guy because she screwed his order up. Absolutely drives me nuts.

[DeLurker]

I have to confess I loved the cheesetastic spectacule of Bowie & Jagger in Dancing in the Streets.

 

While the early days of MTV owns this category, I think Pat Benatar's Love is a Battlefield deserves special honors.  The video is over 5 minutes long and tries to convey some story so they had some ambition, misguided as it was.  What stands out for me always is the infamous shoulder shimmy dance.

 

[Rick Kitchen]

I can't dislike anything Pat Benatar ever did.  :D

[Jeebus Cripes]

Was watching this earlier today and had to LOL at how stupidly intense the singer is. Also, that one guy who's turnt up for no good reason... I guess he's the drummer, and no one bothered to bring drums to the set. Good song, dumb video:

 

[harrie]

While the early days of MTV owns this category, I think Pat Benatar's Love is a Battlefield deserves special honors.  The video is over 5 minutes long and tries to convey some story so they had some ambition, misguided as it was.  What stands out for me always is the infamous shoulder shimmy dance.

 

 

 

The hubby and I would always crack "Shake those titties, Pat" - partly because we're really crass and partly because she had nothing to shake.  The Love is a Battlefield video was directed by Bob Giraldi, who is/was semi-famous for his work on commercials and the Beat It video. Just a daily trivia note.  

[DeLurker]

I was torn between using "shoulder shimmy" and "shaker tits" which is what my friends and I used to call it back when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

[harrie]

DeLurker, your restraint is admirable.  (sometimes I wish I had some...)

[magicdog]

Don't you hate it when people try to be avant guard?  I give you, Patty Smyth's The Warrior.

 

 

I remember Smyth said in an interview that she hated everything about the video even then.  She mentioned a French "stylist" was brought in to do her wardrobe and makeup (she complained how her costume made her look shorter than she really was), and the whole "storyline" seemed to be some strange post apocalyptic theme - I think.  I still love the song, but the video is all kinds of wrong!

Edited November 21, 2014 by magicdog