Toaster Strudel

She doesn't say Master Bait?

Mumblesota - Three gavels! JJ was in fine form. I loved it when she went "meta" and guilted the four blue-shirted litigants about their California trip, their free meal and their taxi ride to the court room. "You thought this was going to be easy?" she said sharply, daggers in her eyes. She came this close to making the defendant go on all four on the ground, pretending his witness was a car, and kick him. Then she changed her mind: "Stand up! You're not a car anymore! You're a witness!" Then we get to see the deed played out on video. This strudel is unclear about what damage was caused. Nuclear Cedar Chest - Guns, harassment, restraining orders, mediation, slashed tires, over a $200 repair on a cedar chest? This case was detonated in seconds when JJ blasted the defendant a new one. 2 sticks of dynamite. Evicted For Noise - The hallterview was the best part, both litigants looked unhinged. Déjà vu, nosy, matronly landlady evicts cleaned up vagrant tenant because he plays loud music by getting a restraining order. One gavel. My Five Mistresses - Whoa! This was an unlikable plaintiff. She contradicted JJ every time she spoke, for no reason other than to inject some double-talk. This is really about a truck and a pair of crazed squatters (see hallterview for evidence of Hulk Smash) that came in as guests in someone's house and wouldn't leave when asked because after two weeks, they acquire "certain rights." If that wasn't enough, they wanted to get a free vee-hick-cull out of the deal, too. The tenacious, dead-eyed hustla's husband was shaped like a 7 foot tall box of cereal. This would be five gavels if all the mistresses had been in attendance, 4 gavels. Craigslist sublet - Sub-lessee had no job, couldn't pay rent, judgment for plaintiff, 1 very quick gavel.

OMG I am so excited. One of the best crafted reality TV shows ever. They always made me care about the addict.

Sorry, but who else held the camera?

It's really shocking that she is alive at 50.

OMG I made the mistake of googling "Paulee Bombshell" - I am going to have to spend the rest of the day trembling in the corner, in the fetal position.

There is one "Be" value that is missing everywhere, with perfect consistency. BE SWEET How come we don't see that anywhere? It should be everywhere.

What can I say? It's NOT ratings sweeps. Truck Bail Out - Your semi-vagrant dad sells his truck to bail out your loser boyfriend that steals from cars and gets chased by police. What do you do when you pop out the baby your criminal lover has fathered? Of course you stop paying him back. One gavel. Ring Rounding Error - "Six hundred and some change" turns out to be $698.00. One gavel. Dealmaker Make Me A Deal - This dude works at an electronic store and gives his buddies super deep discounts in exchange for cash. Creative criminal at work! I don't know why JJ let the plaintiff wax poetic for so long about how he's trying to get himself on the right track - if we wanted to listen to that kind of maudlin drivel, we'd be watching Dr Phil's special on enablers. One gavel. Pawned - Doofus Dana Carvey lookalike plaintiff with pipe holes in his ears found someone to marry him? She came to her senses and pawned the ring that he is still paying for. You know JJ will set her straight. One gavel. Nasty Friends - What's up with that, you can't attend a birthday party your friend is hosting, so you pay $50 in Western Union fees to send her $350? What the coconut! Then she wanted it back because she needed it? I have no idea. These two got nasty in the hallterview, so 1.5 gavel.

Ticket To Ride - Dumb car case, zero gavel. Slumlady Barbie vs. Domestic Violence Blondie - The plaintiff rented an uninhabitable building to Domestic Violence Blondie for a couple of years and collected rent, and is hustling JJ for her to removate the dump because of cig burns on the carpet that the defendant alleges were made by a burglar, LOL. One gavel. Daddy Died So We Need Two Cars Now - Sad people having a sad battle over some old lemon with a tow truck addiction. Barely one gavel. Peter Draper, Master Hoarder - Or should I have titled this one Salon Slander? The plaintiff (who picked up refuse salon chairs for free to bring to his 5-building rural hoard) probably reeked of rat piss and roach feces, don't let the suit fool you. JJ probably saved on his dinner when he dumpster dived instead. Two gavels.

How much exercise was she getting in that pool, anyway? Fat floats, she's very buoyant, so the water pretty much lifts her weight. Maybe it's less effort to be in the water than to lie in bed and lift up a 100-lb arm to shove greasy food down the hatch.

I just love it when they explain their expertise at cheating on their diet while "losing weight." You know, how you have to cheat just the right amount, a big portion of rice won't hurt you, how great they are now at balancing the diet with their cravings, how it's OK to continue indulging in their favorite fast food fares as long as they are having "less." Then they are pleased with themselves because they are not gaining weight as fast as they used to. Progress! "Here comes the tears!" said an exasperated Dr Now, much to my delight. Poor Dillon, she must torture him constantly.

Oh. And I thought they cleaned up a bunch of street people. My bad.

JJ was pre-empted by some unimportant mayoral race in Burlington! Hot damn! And today's cases looked so good!

I loved the bathing troll. All her features were garishly hideous, yet the overall effect was cute as an ugly little button. How does one perform such a miracle without taking away the win?

Today's son was high and drunk in the studio. Unlike Dr Phil, I don't think the guy' delusional, enabling mother should have contact with her granddaughter. The mother is right to withdraw contact. You know this would open doors to the CRAZY. The mother did lie and exaggerate, though.

The house was in poor condition and worth 400K but was heavily mortgage, so really he got $111K plus a $279K mortgage. She was desperate not to lose the $111 part, but this house still belonged mostly to the bank. And since she could no longer pay, soon to be surrendered to the bank. She was choosing between foreclosure and giving the house/mortgage to her son, and she got him to pay her bills in the deal.

I agree, he should still get paid for performing quackery. It's still a service.

Flavor of the day: VEXATIOUS LITIGANTS. Crazy Dog Wenches - I have no idea why this was a case, fighting over a rescue dog for no reason. Pickle Pants Rescue is a hoarder? MKay. The litigants were annoying, but more irritating than funny. Two gavels. Quackopractor - Another dumb case, I resented that JJ validated the quack by suggesting his training was a doctorate. Yes, the quacks call it "doctor" of chiropractic but it's not recognized as an actual doctorate by any legitimate organization. Both litigants were friends, are still friends, and canoodled to get JJ to pay their quack bills. One gavel. Manipulative Mom - The defendant tried to lure her son to give her money to pay her bills by promising him a house worth 400K with a 279K mortgage, on which she was in arrears, then reneged on the deal. I was aghast that JJ had no sympathy for him and didn't rule in his favor to get his money back. The mother cackled like an escapee from the looney bin. Two gavels. U-Turn Double-Talker - The accident was the defendant's fault, it was plain to see. His slick double-talking was infuriating. He had at least 50 different constructs as to why it was the plaintiff's fault, and I wanted to choke him with his socks after hearing every single one, especially when he tried to paint the plaintiff as having less than honest intentions. Of course, the cretin bought insurance immediately after the accident; he was lapsed for "months" which I understood to mean "years." Two gavels.

Adding to my previous post, it's very wrong for Laura to use her classroom and relationship with her employer to invite students to unload their personal problems on her, in her quest for "pet projects." If she wanted to help kids she could have been a foster mother to teenagers that have been vetted by the system and under proper supervision.

Obsessed teacher and telephone-threat-faking student deserved each other. The teacher should have been fired long ago for chumming it up with some students to "save them" and encouraging them to come to her with their problems... and give them shelter in her home. This was bound to blow up in her face sooner or later, one way or another. It so happened that her latest protégée was dishonest and unhinged, but her improper behavior with members of the student body should have been cause for firing long ago. And she was teaching psychology? Oh boy.

Post-Valentine Day Special! If you didn't have a Valentine this year, JJ is there for you to show you that love isn't always everything that it's cracked up to be. Messing With Females - If your brain is sensitive to aural injuries, watch this 30 minute case with ear plugs and close-captioning. The defendant was working overtime trying to be cute with her sing-song voice in the dog-whistle range, batting her shaggy-rug, hairbrush, afro-comb false eyelashes, incessantly flicking her acrylic nails, and fanning herself, because, like, she's suuuuch a supportive girlfriend... until such time as she comes swinging with a baseball bat. Even worse was the worthless defendant and ex-boyfriend who spoke through a 5¢ kazoo the entire time. Argh! JJ's ears were visibly squinting trying to understand the abject drivel that he was trying to put forth without making the effort of moving his lips or his tongue. I'll never understand how any woman would look at this mediocre representative of the human race and find him worthy of a second look, and endure even a single minute of his mouthful-of-mashed-potatoes conversation - let alone buy him a Macbook because surprise! his credit sucks balls, too. He didn't ingratiate himself with JJ when he trolled her that the computer was for watching porn, or as she heard out of his cotton mouth, "sports." Both litigants had serious cases of JJ-interruptus, the basically-itis, and wanton proliferation of "likes." Three gavels, plus an extra 0.5 gavels for the defendant starting to strip when booted out for a memorable WTF moment: 3.5 gavels. Suds of a Broken Heart - Two dull litigants break up, the defendant gets jealous, gives the plaintiff a soapy, scratchy, paint-peeling car wash. One bubbly gavel. Yes But Was The Broom Damaged? - I'm not sure if JJ got all the facts as they happened as much as how she wishes they had happened. Both litigants were dodgy on the kerfuffle where some dingy bike met the asphalt, and the broom met the car. I kinda agree with JJ that the plaintiff looked like an overindulged loser. 1.5 gavel.

Is it true that the scenes with Meri going to a lawyer were shot on Feb 2, as a mad scramble because the divorce had been uncovered?

Simon & McCartney's voices are pale shadows of what they once were. Johny Cash had a rich, old man voice, and adapted his performance to embrace it. Simon & McCartney have failed to adapt their songs to their new vocal reality. I can't believe they interrupted Martin Short, who was in fine form, with the abomination upon the Earth that is Garth & Kat. This skit is done strictly for Fred & Kirsten's amusement, they're the only ones enjoying it. They should do it in private. I loved this: Jerry Seinfeld: "Are you going to the after party?" Larry David: "Noooo-aaaahhh!" Larry must have undertipped some important underling at the last party, LOL. Eddie Murphy's spark is long gone.

There was a lot of of meth heads in the stripper murder. I'll bet that she was supporting all their habits.

Cellphoneball - Four gavels' worth of red hot, JJ righteous anger over those worthless little punks Malika and Miracle, as well as their enabling mother. These two lying sacks of juvenile delinquency stole from their handicapped grandma and tried to nab the plaintiff's cell phone and run away. There's a JJ phone call! Lasers shooting out of her eyes! Shouting at the defendants! The lowlife mother had the nerve to call the police on the plaintiff, who got roughed up in the process. JJ was so disgusted that she didn't want to hear more and kicked them out of the courtroom like she just learned they had contracted the bubonic plague. Bicycle Smash - Mr Strudel shouted out: "When a car hits a bicycle, it's always the car's fault! Watch where you're going!" When he saw the surveillance video, he no longer endorsed his own statement. This case was over in one minute, two gavels for the video. $10 - A whole convoluted story over ten lousy bucks at a poker game, and the flimsiest excuse to burglar someone. Thanks to modern technology, the defendant's intention to rob the plaintiff was immortalized. One gavel in the patio door. Bedsheets - Holy twinks! Who would humiliate themselves on JJ suing over bedsheets (that were probably a gift) and assorted garage sale stuff, unless one was still pining for the defendant's love? One gavel in the nuts.