Toaster Strudel

I suspect that her mother was eating her share of cake and Nachos... she should be considering the surgery, too.

Tears Collide - A generous two gavels because of the sack-of-lies teenage defendant's self-pity and holding back tears in the hallteriview. A collision at an intersection - who burned through a red light? Don't we all love a credible witness. The wronged driver (plaintiff) might have been shouting and upset, but he did show compassion for the 17 yr old doofus-ette's hit and run by not calling police and trying to work things out. Once the shock wore out, she started to dodge responsibility. As always. All Hail The Magenta Cadillac - One gavel, two gavels if you're teebax. I'm not sure what happened here, but after the car got hit by hail, the plaintiff took the insurance money and went shopping for a bargain... and threw in some shocking, matte magenta paint in the deal, probably cashing the difference - and, surprise! The bargain painter did a shitty job. Now she cries to JJ and all of us. First world problem, which brings us to the next case... Renting Mr Ed - ...another first world problem involving horse-obsessed women renting horses and riding horses and stroking horses and selling horses and making crappy horse contracts. best enjoyed figuring out how each litigant looks like a horse, too. Boo hoo, all this suffering! I weep for your "problems." One horseshoe in the head. Involuntary Sugar Daddy - Three gavels. I am not sure that the older plaintiff was that rich to fancy himself a sugar daddy, since he had to borrow against his car to "borrow" some money to the Disney-Pocahontas-lookalike bar tending defendant who I am sure has a lineup of men lining up to pay her rent. The idiocy of the plaintiff thinking that this amoral airhead would buy cars, yes cars! To flip them for a profit... for real, boggles my mind. Did he actually think she was going to do something "productive?" So she took the money and, I don't know, bought crack? She was trying to pass this exchange of money for a business investment, but we all know he was gambling she was going to give up some booty. JJ humiliated her quite thoroughly, deer-in-headlights way. The defendant was unrepentant painting herself as a "sugar baby" in the hallterview, but clearly Involuntary Sugar Daddy hadn't gotten the memo. Delightful.

The cinematography is very artistic and I savor every moment of it.

That's what the gavels are for! An incitation to murder relatives with a fast finger on the delete button!

He must be a "millionaire in training" like everyone's Uncle Get-Rich-Quick!

Mistress Huge Honking Nose - This is definitely four gavels on the basis of the fishnet stockings, leather bustier, and BDSM getup described in the hallterview. Is that the most absurd claim of sexiness ever? I wonder what kind of arrangement was advertised on craigslist, rooming several young men, two to a bedroom, with a weekly rate. Was her kitchen floor licked clean by slave boys? Trouble started when cougar with a whip meddled with one of her sex slaves' divorce, first lending him $1000 from what must be the generous proceeds of her exciting trade, then siding with his wife in court after she saw a knife. She likes to give pain, not receive it! Dumb Car Deal - Some nice people, got mixed up in a boring, bad idea. One gavel. Fatal Attraction Widow - Now, that's a plan! Your husband drops dead of a heart attack at the ripe old age of 28, you collect a measly 50K of insurance to help raise your 4 yr old, and what do you do? Throw that money at the first charismatic gigolo that crosses your path, and when he won't marry you, go Fatal Attraction on him. Too bad these people that claim to have been fired because of crazy work stalkers never bring their bosses to testify. Three gavels. Whose Vicious Dog-Eating Pitbull Is This, Anyway? - I love canine demons cases because their irresponsible, delusional owners are always entertainingly infuriating. The twist in this case was that the owner may or may not have re-homed the canine cannibal before it feasted on a terrier. I'm glad JJ worried about that complicated timeline and the pink collar so I don't have to. One gavel, and I love dog cases.

I really didn't like the red demon. Not at all. But I loved the sound challenge! The music that was added during the creature show off was an added bonus! I hope they bring back this concept.

Uncle Hustla - One gavel: pay your taxes, don't sell your truck to pay the IRS then grab it back. A sale is a sale, loser! Bus Stop Romeo - Old guy lends some aging tart $800, then she blows him off and doesn't answer his phone calls. Two gavels because she was pretending to be deaf in the courtroom, and the hallterview where it is revealed that he tried to pick up her at a bus stop back in 1966 when he was a teenager. Some people never change? TRIFECTA Got Milk? - Horsing around while mom tries to nap, electronics are ruined by milk. The defendants were very prim, propa', collars starched, and smelled of fundamentalist religion. They were so earnest that JJ condescended to answer a question! She quickly had a change of mind when the question started with: "But if you leave your things on the counter..." Two gavels. Runaway Transmission - The Kelly Blue Book deserves a Daytime Emmy for its appearance. One gavel. Bad Budget Vow Renewal - Why do people renew their vows? I always think it's because they were cheating, on the brink of divorce, and got dumped by their mistress/gigolo. Well, if you're doing to do this foolishness, plan your budget accordingly, no one will believe your bank account was "hacked." Two gavels.

Hot damn! I forgot about the shitty parent that screwed up her child's credit after screwing her own! Shitty parent cases are my favorites, so few of them this year.

You'll have to watch the hallterview to the end to understand the title of the last case!

Ex-lovers Bicker Over Car - One gavel, it pains me to recap this boring case with boring people. Seven years on and off and a bunch of restraining orders. And a stupid car. And a cheap, pawned wedding ring. That is all. Traveling Aquarium - Two gavels for the comedy of JJ calling out the plaintiff, the defendant, and their combined four witnesses (6 people total) for being there for the travel, the hotel, and the free meal - because for sure that lawsuit over a $30 damaged aquarium cover was completely bogus. In the hallterview, these clowns were oddly serious about it. What the coconut? Pitbull vs. Chihuahua - This one had a video, a squeaky, excitable plaintiff, sing-song hispanic accents, and a really stupid defendant of the "stay in school!" variety. Defense? "The dog was playing!" "It's a smart dog!" Three gavels for JJ's quip: "if it's smart, I wouldn't go into a contest with it if I were you!" Cornball! - I loved the plaintiff, she was smart (more than the stupid, above-mentioned canine hellion), and had her evidence that her craigslist room mate stole her very expensive, heirloom diamond tennis bracelet and pawned it. Two gavels.

Sorry bud, you're on your own with those other court shows! As a point of reference, 1 gavel is a typical car repo or gift/loan case, and 5 gavels is Scholarship Rims or Ebay of Pigs.

Little Trashcan League - Whoa. This one went from 0 to 100 in 1 second, and over nothing. So some kid needed more pitching practice but mom had enough waiting in the bleachers for the whole fake "supportive mom" ordeal to be over. Time to go home dammit, Timmy! The pugilistic defendant immediately started to run her mouth at the dude (coach?) because Timmy wasn't coming fast enough. "You give your own kid extra practice!" It wasn't long that Miss Attitude fetched her boyfriend who looked absolutely delighted with the sweet, sweet memory of punching a middle aged couple in their faces, knocking one unconscious, and bashing the other into the ground, proudly recounting the blow-by-blow. He truly savored the experience. 10/10 would beat these people up again if opportunity knocked. Three gavels, would give 4 if they had clued into enhancing the experience with the kid's baseball bats. No jail time? For shame. $300? $350? $500? $850? SOLD! - This was funny because the plaintiff sent her BF off on vacation with her friend (she couldn't for child care issues) to watch over him, and the BF and his lady bodyguard fell in love. To the plaintiff's credit she looked like she was genuinely over the loser. Two gavels, because other than that, she was coldly suing the mistress over the plane tickets that she paid for. She kept her dignity, good for her. Who Will Take Care of YOU? - Serious question. If you get a stroke and your only choice is one of these two litigants to take care of you, which one should it be? Dibs on the defendant! The guy was cool and funny and genuine and I totally believed him. I'm not so sure about the plaintiff. Three gavels for that moment when JJ asked "well who bashed the patient's skull in, then?" and the plaintiff shrugged, but the defendant pointed to the plaintiff with a huge smile and dramatic pointing motions. I just loved that guy. He can change my Depends and make me laugh. Parvopup - JJ gets to preach about puppies. The only entertaining thing was the plaintiff's drama "but he could have diiiied!" and the pointless lawsuit. One gavel.

Sure, gavel ratings will be coming!

Unlicensed Eyelash Extensions - Aw go home, if you're on such a tight budget and extensions are a "treat" - it's still $100, give me a break. Boohoo they were a bit crooked. Fun to see Byrd pretending to know what Groupon is. Two Schnooks Meet Jesus - Mom kicks out these two bums that are well into adulthood, and they move on to stay at some Christian sucker's place and do not give him his money back for a loan to pay for rent in an apartment. Defense: he did it for Jesus! Did you also drive his car without a license for Jesus? Cretins. Estranged Pot Head - That was a long winded story about why the dad (plaintiff) didn't care for his son (defendant). Yes, the mother died and the son was an a-hole, but he was 20, which means it's a teachable moment. It's hard for young people to deal with death and disease, some of them need to be taught. But destroying the house he was renting from his father for a grow-op? UNFORGIVABLE! Turn Back Time - An odometer is turned back, Justice is served! Brought to you by Carfax.

You always have to use your own insurance. The companies decide between themselves which driver is responsible, and which company will pay out. At least that's how it works in my jurisdiction.

I can't believe they pre-empted Cujo. Damned parade!!!

Pre-empted by a Victory Parade of past, present and future JJ litigants! Grrrr... next year I'll root for NOT-new-England!

And sushi!

Today's Nigerian Scam Businessman seemed like a really nice guy. The way he was running off numbers in the taxi it looked like some OCD... and his belief that he'd get some millions looked like delusions. OCD + delusions = not good mix.

Some IKEA Crap - Boring, just a cheque that shouldn't have been cashed and a dispute over self-assembled, particle board furniture. Yawn~ Unpaid Labor - The IRS will be far more interested in this case than I could ever be. Pop And Pop And Pop - Popping tires and pouring pop over a car, that's a lot of popping! The defendant was slurring his words in the hallterview, he looked really drunk. You couldn't tell during the case because he claimed not to remember anything, so JJ had no questions for him. The plaintiff was 5-Shot Expresso's little sister. Parking Space Between Your Teeth Now - Aw c'mon you old gits, it's just a goddam parking space, can't this trivial matter be settled without knocking someone's teeth out? Oh well, here is some parking space for a new incisor implant! Six Years of Hell - The pain, oh, the pain! So raw, so weepy, so shell-shocked, so much PTSD. It's one of those plaintiffs suing for the value of some junk they haven't picked up post breakup because they have no room for it.

WOW - missing today's cases... that's a national tragedy equivalent to 7 feet of snow! Priorities, priorities.

It must be rating sweeps! BSC Eyelash Extensions - Really? Expresso? Really? Not, like, say, speed? This woman was such a screwball, JJ had to interrupt the case to have her drug tested! For real! Did they really drug tested her, or just got her to calm down to just under 20,000 volts? I have so many questions. Why would this guy put a brand new car for her in his name? She's nuts! Did he get laid at least? Yeah I know, her credit was horrid (surprise, surprise!), of course, but what's in it for him? She's completely Board-Certified Bonkers. All those parking tickets and moving violations? And of course she let the insurance run out. I loved the hallterview where the defendant revealed that she threatened to drive the car until it was impounded or repo'd. OMG, the eyerolls, the hands in the air, the clutching of invisible jail bars, the finger waving, the profanity, the begging and the pleading at 100 mph! Rating sweeps gold. Untrustworthy Trustee - I love it when JJ rips shitty parents (or step-parents in this case) a fresh new one. The beauty of this is that the loser defendant stepfater blamed the bank for taking $4000 out of his stepdaughter's trust fund. First, the bank tempted him. Like the devil took on the form of a snake, and shapeshifted into a reptilian teller: "Wouldssss yousss likessss to takessss outssss sssssome moneyssss?" Did he ask whether he should be suing the bank now? Hot damn. Second, it was the bank's fault for giving him the money even though he had no right to it. Bad bank. Bad bad bad bad bank. Julune - "Julune" is a mythical month that sneaks in between June and July. Mark your calendars! "Julune" is also firmly between May and December. Thought of the day: There is no fool like a crack smoking, gambling, shepherd-boy rooming, ho-infatuated fool. This one was as tawdry as they get. I am glad that JJ was amused by these two degenerates. What did it take for the old fool to see the light about his plastic crack addicted paramour? When she wouldn't put his dirty laundry in the machine! If she had washed his stinky socks, he'd still be giving her crack money and gambling the rest. Valentine's day is coming up, what is more romantic than this venerable Romeo buying his no-driver's-license Juliet a car that she wrecked a couple of weeks after she got it, some time in Julune? So touching. Did you say touching? $40!

Michael Che, you can't read, please find another job and take the One-Dimensional Girl with you while you're at it. But Jebediah Atkinson... I can't get enough of you!

Looks like hyperthyroidism. Unlike hypothyroidism, which is easily fixed by supplements, overactive thyroids are much more tricky to treat.