Toaster Strudel

Today we have an alcoholic special, be ready to watch with your favorite cocktail in hand. Poor LaQuan! - The gall of the plaintiff to sue her baby daddy LaQuan after smashing the driver's side door with a baseball bat and trying to pin it him! The nerve of this lazy, entitled, bossy, drunken ne'er-do-well! First of all her testimony didn't make a bit of sense, her lying witness had been coached to lie, and I believed every single word of LaQuan's. I felt sorry for the poor guy's poor choice of baby mamma, he looked like an honest, decent, well-meaning fellow. More Largesses on Disability - Ah, here we go again, some old drunk on disability buying $2000 worth of appliances to the adult daughter he never supported. The daughter sounded nasty, but in the hallterview, she explained more and I get where she's coming from. She'll never get anything from her sperm donor, she should just cut her losses at this point and forget about it. On the plus side, she's justified to let him rot during his elderly years and say: 'good riddance.'

Just saw a rerun with Hanz & Franz brothers of ForeverFaith, by the looks of it their crappy clothing line went bust. I guess Jesus didn't like it!

Doesn't look like the people I know with Tourette's where it comes out in bursts. It looked deliberate to me.

Bortle the Chimp is the defendant himself!

I would love to know the medical explanation for this.

Put away those dripping doggie hankies, we have a QUADRIfecta today! eCarmoney.com - Ladies! Did you know you can go on websites for the romance-minded, meet men, friendzone them, and get them to pay the deductible on for your car crash for the privilege of a glimmer of hope of getting jiggy with you? No? In JJ's America, you still can't. Sorry. Quizzical Bortle - JJ was challenged by this challenging case involving the plaintiff's challenge of some forged cheques, and various monies owed. You know those funny faces dogs make cocking their heads and looking at you quizzically? Imagine this, but 1,000,000 times crazier and done by an especially trained chimpanzee called "Bortle." The defendant's witness was upset with the ruling: "oh wow! oh wow!" I am an expert after watching every episode of Intervention, and I have never seen this. Mushrooms? Peyote? Alien? Taxpayer-Funded Largesses - I bet the defendant was right about the plaintiff launching this lawsuit because she wouldn't co-sign some sh!t for the plaintiff. The way she described the plaintiff buying some expensive car parts for the defendant's husband's birthday and making it a big surprise sounded true. But here's the kicker. All those extravagant gifts (car parts, clothes, shoes, expensive vet bills, new puppy{???}) to the defendant were made on a disability/4-children/scholarship budget. Guess how JJ felt about this one. 8 Cylinders of Broken Dreams - Goodbye, it's over, let it goooOoOoOooooOOO!

That was long and boring.

I really miss dates where the "millionaires" forced their "dates" to eat embryos, made them stand naked in -200F chambers, felt compelled to pole dance, or offer under-the-table BJs. (edited because I forgot to put "date" in quotation marks)

Pitbull Cannibalism - Pitbulls eating each other? Works for me. You know what they say: "sure pitbulls eat a dog or kid every once in a while, but it's a small price to pay because there is no better dog breed to guard a meth lab!" Meet what could possibly be the dumbest vicious animal part-time owner ever. I say part-time because these three pitbulls would be on the loose terrorizing the town's people and animals for days on end. While the roaming, bloodthirsty trio already ripped up and devoured one of the plaintiff/neighbor's animals, the defendant maintains that they are totally harmless because they still haven't gobbled up the defendant's chihuahua. In a Matrix-like dodging of responsibility bullets, the defendant exclaimed with gusto that they should sue the dog's actual owner, her son (uncle? I forget). She was a lying liar that lies and got busted, and enlisted some cleaned up street person to be her lying witness too, but the guy had far better morals than her and told the truth. Deformed Mutant Hound - Those looked like terrible, inconvenient malformations for the poor animal to live with, but hey, it's the breed standard! This was very melodramatic and sad for everyone - the dog owner/defendant, his daughter, and even I felt sorry for the canine poop factory whining loudly for its negligent owner who probably fell on hard times. I won't give everything up, watch after tomorrow's preview, an actual, unprecedented Judge Judy Update!!!!!!! Have a hankie nearby.

This is a lame post and all, but I just want to shout out... [blink]YAY! My favorite show is back![/blink]

Mostly because JJ had to tell her to keep her hands off it and stop violating the strands... only to caress them lustily in the hallterview!

Big Honking RV, Literally - JJ was ready to tell the plaintiff the good old story of "you ate the steak, pay for it," especially after he didn't heed warning signs and took the scrapworthy vehicle on the road with his wife, MIL & 4 children. The horn only shut off by wiggling the steering wheel hard, the steering wheel fell off, and still Mr Holstein wanted to drive the monstrous thing to Mount Rushmore, Yellowstone and back. But JJ was as shocked as I was hearing his interminable litany of faults with the RV, most of which made the steering wheel falling off pale in comparison. Lesson for all: cheap is expensive. Next time rent a mini-bus and sleep in hotels. They're cheap in the fly-over states. Double-Dipping Squatter - Plaintiff is not on the lease, living rent-free, and suing her very short-term room mate (the one on the lease) that she had escorted out, because he didn't give her notice. Not making it up. I swear. Of course not... but that compulsive fondling... and it looked like several violin bows had been killed to make it.

If they have to do this for their faith, can't they match lesbians to homosexuals? Neither will be disappointed with the other's lack of attraction.

WOW, reading all these quotes... I feel like they hide so much pain. It's like they have decorated a jar of pickles with cake frosting, and pretending they're having a birthday party.

Tasty Samaritan: Let that be a lesson. If two dogs (that belong to a total stranger) want to go at it and devour each other, I say let them, it's survival of the fittest and take the opportunity to wager a few bucks on the champion of your choice. If the dog walker looks like a beautiful, helpless, lovely angel in distress, don't be fooled, she's probably an irresponsible cretin in disguise. If you get bit trying to separate the canine devils, you'll have to drag the owner to court to have your medical expenses paid. Lesson learned. Helicopter pilot, though, sexy, sexy profession. Romance Cooke: Oh my, what a spoiled, entitled brat, oh, the overly dramatic eyerolls. Sure, JJ admonished her to stop playing with that horsehair wig, but she was holding back. In the hallterview, she pulled and pawed and caressed the ropy blond strands to her heart's content. She had some nice handwriting, though.

Wrong topic, see "All Rise!"

The old bachelor that had never kissed anyone but admitted being "super-attracted to guys" - I felt sad for him. I'm glad his blind date gave him a hug. He needed one.

I recorded this program in hopes of finding a treasure trove of snark material, but I just can't. All these contrivances to satisfy the imaginary requirements of their imaginary god make me very sad. What a waste of time and effort. I know it's their journey, and they're putting up brave faces not knowing what it's like to have a partner genuinely finding them attractive, or being attracted to one's life partner. But then again, it happens with hetero couples too. From what I have seen of Mormons on TLC (yeah I know, not representative!), they seem sexually constipated and I suspect most are terrible lovers. Maybe they're not missing out on anything.

I'm not buying no wet bar T-shirt, it sounds dirty and no one will know what it means... and if someone knows what it means I would be mortified... so embarrassing...

In "original no-flavor" and "whole wheat no-flavor" - best joke of the night!

That's fun, I like that. Savings + Chocolate = win

This show falls in the categories of "so bad it's almost good" and "there's nothing real here, right?" Having said that, this episode was too tame. I miss the assistants that rolled their eyes in Patti's back, I hate the new suck ups. Patti selecting the "date" at the "mixers" equals too much Patti.

Perez Hiton: "I'm letting Patti set me up because she's an expert at what she does" - he can't possibly mean matchmaking? Sonja Morgan Who: "I need Patti to do this for me" - so high strung and full of herself. Oh she's one of the those HousewivesOf future has-beens? What a massive bore this woman was. I found her face very off putting for some reason. Are Patti's lips even fatter? Matchmaking failures as usual, but the "clients" are more confident! Yay!

The kid wanted the money back, though, there is a story there that JJ decided was best not to air out.

It will not disappoint.