Toaster Strudel

The unlicensed driver that drove into a telephone pole to "avoid a deer" to get "food and cigarettes" - in the hallterview, didn't he say that he went to get WEED, then corrected himself to stick to the food & cig story?

Am I going to have to capture those escaped convicts myself to restore my full JJ broadcast? Does Wal-Mart sell tasers?

Pre-empted because of two escaped criminals!

I loved that hair! Giant peppercorns? It was awesome, and she really rocked it! And she dressed all business with that hairdo. Five stars!

Clown Car House Rental - Or "Human Menagerie?" Boring but JJ ruled for a renter for a change. One gavel. Boring Stepbrothers - Boring bald heads and their boring loan. One gavel. Second show was repeats! May sweeps are officially over...

I just watched the Kathy Rowe show... http://www.people.com/article/kathy-rowe-sentenced-san-diego-homeowner-harrassment-case The comment section is frightening.

Technical glitch from my broadcasting station? The second show was exactly the same as yesterday's! So only two cases to gavel. Nine Different Stories - The plaintiff was not at the top of her game, with December's rent becoming November's rent, two can play this game, then November's rent was applied to December, at this stage of the game, but then it was marked "November's rent" and dated in October, that's the name of the game, or were three months paid cash ahead of time, which would be a whole new ball game? Couldn't she bring her designer bags to the shelter lottery to get back in the game? Two gavels. Liver Lips - It's "liver lips" because calling the case "who let the dogs out" would be mean. This was a no-brainer, of course the defendant was hysterical about her storage unit getting auctioned, but she was disingenuous when she professed detachment from her material possessions. Said JJ: "sell them, then!" Damned straight. Two gavels.

I looked it up and there appears to be a lot of counterfeit traveler's cheques and they can be used for money laundering.

The plaintiff said that her landlord was talking to her crotch, helpfully (and theatrically) pointing with her finger for the benefit of viewers devoid of human anatomy knowledge.

Spread Your Wings And Scheme - Who can afford to buy a TV & laptop on $130/week? The plaintiff's bill showed that she paid with, please sit down, a bunch of $100 traveler's checks from "a guy who [she] was dealing with." Getting paid in traveler's checks, is that code for prostitution? I believed the defendant, he sounded like a no-BS, honest guy. 3 gavels. Malingerer vs. Carp Mouth Landlord - This started out really boring until we got into sexual harassment. Really? Making sex sounds behind the window? "Not keeping his distance?" Talking to the crotch??? And then... producing the medical report for an invisible dog bite... some carbon monoxide exposure? And the doctors writing down that they suspected a psychiatric problem below the 5150 threshold... and OMG the hallterview! Weeping about possibly losing her life, and how "people are the silent killer." Oh boy. 4 gavels. Darting Eyes Sublet - Three gavels for the hallterview! "He was more concerned about Business School than having fun" like it's a bad thing? The defendant was young, and in California... for "women, weed and weather." Women? He sure had me fooled. Important Book! Skin Care Products! Pinball Machine! Legos! - The plaintiff sure was an angry, excitable little thing even he tried to keep it together at the beginning. Great editing job amplifying the sound of JJ scratching off their ridiculous list of demands. Hello nervy daughter-in-law. It sounds like the deceased might have been a little touched. Two gavels. Bumper Bumping Fiction Writer - These two weirdos deserved each other, but the defendant was a jealous maniac. His explanations for rear-ending the woman he was stalking were sheer fantasy, and he was, as JJ put it, "one beer short of a 6-pack." Two gavels.

The kids were long gone when she wouldn't un-squat.

Restau-Rat Business - Hey hey hey! It looks like the litigants showed up to scam JJ. In the hallterview, the plaintiff said it was her fault for not doing due diligence, and the defendant, yes, the defendant! said that JJ made the right decision... and he lost big time. Two roaches. Purse Contraband - This is my favorite defense. The plaintiff got caught with drugs when the driver feel asleep at the wheel and crashed. All her legal troubles are his fault and he should paid for them! I am not sure why JJ threw them out, he gave her the money, she paid the lawyer so he doesn't have a receipt. The defendant cackled in the hallterview: "no more relationships!" Sure, cretin, that's the lesson we're all learning here. Two gavels. Forgeries? - These litigants were shipped back to small claims... were the documents that were presented forgeries? One gavel. Parasites - Boyfriend with DUIs and DUI classes and false teeth (I always suspect meth) takes in Mother-of-the-Year in the house he rents from his parents. Her two kids are much better off (she says herself) one with her ex, the other with her mother. She thought he should pay for her expenses while she squatted, and had the nerve to file a restraining order when he tried to access HIS own house. She said he was "scary" and plotting to steal all her lousy belongings. Her face was really scrunched up. She still wants him. Three gavels.

Sorry I'm late! Doctor's appointment this morning. I'll be away tomorrow and Friday, I hand the gavels over to a volunteer! Nineteen Year Old Clunker - LOL but this was a luxury model with all the amenities, the only thing it was missing is the court-mandated luxury breathalizer, special to allow the plaintiff to drive drunk! Watch Judy ferret out the cute little work around against the DUIs these two hustlas had concocted. Three gavels. Roozeboom - Did the defendant give the plaintiff many $20 bills or twice $300? She said $20 but the answer said $300... that's fishy. The video of her keying the plaintiff's car was a cruel disappointment... the fake witness was fun, and so was the confession at the end. When JJ said: "I killed that sucker because I didn't like him" she sounded eerily natural, like it's not the first time she said these words. Two gavels. Trailer Custody - Aye! Poor kid! The mother runs around from man to man, the father lives in a trailer and is "accident-prone," and the fight for her custody seems centered around the money that comes with said custody. Two depressed gavels. Greasy Haired Son - Get caught driving without insurance or registration and the fine is only $150? No wonder no one bothers! It's all win! Irresponsible junior barber took daddy's settlement money and played it in Atlantic City and lost. Watch the hallterview or a father and son hug... well sorta... daddy had to avoid the oil slick on Junior's head. Two slippery gavels.

This was really sad, Jennifer's speech was a random concoction of various phrases and figures of speech without any meaning whatsoever. I don't know if what she has is curable, what she needs is a diagnostic. ADD doesn't cut it. There is more to it. Phil was nice to her, he handled her well on a person-to-person basis, but what this family needed wasn't to have Jennifer on display, because within 5 minutes everyone knows she's not all there and is not able to fulfill any role as a mother. Her children should be taught to stop trying to rationalize with her, and treat her like the sick person that needs help that she is. Her children are the ones that need the most help learning to cope with her mental illness since she refuses to address it... because she's too wrapped up in the illness to see how sick she is. I hope she gets help eventually.

Jennifer! Jennifer! Jennifer! I didn't watch yesterday's show yet but I watched today's follow up... I hope there is medication for her and her kids should stay away. She cannot function as a rational person, let alone play her role as a mother. She maniacally stitched figures of speech together in random order. Dr Phil couldn't get through to her, it's very sad but she's going to get worse. The daughter was trying to deal with her as if she was capable of being rational, she was wasting her time.

Slumlord? - I am not sure what the landlord plaintiff was doing there with his shitty records and his shitty proofs, but the defendants didn't look like the tidy, rent-paying sort. So who really knows? Meh. One gavel. Peanut Mouth - Lucille Ball's loopy sister goes through many senior romances, on and off, buying and selling furniture. She wants two couches and some stupid rugs back. In addition to a peanut-shape mouth, she had squinty eyes and bizarre facial expressions, and couldn't answer questions without the assistance of her new senior boyfriend. Two gavels for the visuals. A Very Good Friendship - This is a variation of gift vs. loan: yes, this is blessing vs. gift vs. loan - why? Because the litigants met on Christian Mingle. The defendant was a really slick swindler, so much so that JJ had to ask: "Smith, is that your real name?" Ouch. That'll teach him for meeting women online with a financial interest rather than a romantic one. Three blessed gavels. Amen. Lost Jewels - Aye, these nice Southern ladies with the craft jewelry sure were tedious. You'd figure she'd show off some of her craft by wearing it but no, they dressed plain and no craft jewelry. Yawn. One gavel, and it's not because I lost the other gavels in storage.

Drunken Negotiations - A bunch of drunken yahoos hit a parked car, switch drivers after the accident, and the driver that crashed the car frames the replacement driver. We have a useless video! Look forward to "I borrowed my car to her" being corrected, and watch Taylor Fagan's facial expression of "busted!" So busted. No insurance as usual. Three gavels. Cable Bill - Argh, some idiots can't have cable bills in their own name because they screw the cable company. Go home. One Christmas Special gavel. Blind Turn - That teenager looked like my grandmother. What's up with the old look? I hate huge SUVs, but I like Victorian mustaches; the plaintiff walked off a silent movie set after fastening a woman to a railroad track. Two gavels. Gimme a Break - A six year old car crash and a 2 yr old utility bill for two non-married? You guys know where that one is headed... one gavel.

Be Quiet!!! - "Please! Be quiet! Stop confessing your crime already! This is a half hour show! I need to pad it! Yes, I heard you when you confessed the first time. Let the plaintiff talk... stop interrupting with your confessions! It's getting harder and harder to pretend this case needs more back and forth before being adjudicated!" Mr Strudel was home, I turned to him and said: "just looking at her face, I know she is a flowerpot-throwing kind of gal." Not 15 seconds later, JJ said: "just looking at your face I know you threw the flowerpot." No one saw me when I gave 3 gavels, so it's like I didn't, right? Cute Lil Tire Kick - He didn't like the heavy metal music, so just to be cute, he gave a gentle little humorous kick on the plaintiff's tire. Said JJ: "You missed!" - that was a pretty big dent. Two gavels. Rent Free Years - File this one under "no good deed goes unpunished." The plaintiff lived rent-free in the defendant's house for nearly a decade... and is now suing because the defendant got rid of the junk the hoarder left behind after being evicted. Two gavels. Karate Ring - Two reasonable-looking people, well-spoken... until you find out that a marriage proposal sprung from this on-and-off relationship where the plaintiff didn't even want to tell the defendant where she lived! I am not kidding! "I won't tell you where I live, will you marry me? And here is my credit card." - the defendant took the ring and ran. 3 gavels.

It could been a hydrofluoric acid burn.

Reape What You Sow - Some sainted single mother of an 11 yr old makes it rain on her minimum-wage earning, part-time working colleague. After all this, she still had some budget for some fake eyelashes from the window blind store. Watch for an epic stare down from the bench, to the dazed, brainless defendant. "I am not for sale!" cried out the married man and father of three, speaking of his lucrative affair with his supervisor. 3.5 gavels. Perky To Sad In 5 Sec. - The defendant was all smiles answering all the easy questions while JJ was setting her trap. Then the floor panels opened from under her and she fell in the crocodile pit. Smile gone. Two gavels. Lost License - I felt sorry for the defendant, he looked like such a hopeless case. two kids, doesn't pay his tickets, loses his license, loses his job, car gets repo'd twice, father-in-law sues... woe is he... Not the brightest bulb in the marquee but he looked so sad. Two gavels. Motorcycle Cousins - $3200 for a 14 yr old motorcycle? Really? It must have been the equivalent of a Lambo when new. The litigants looked harmless enough for JJ to dispense of Byrd while he was looking up the value of the smashed vehicle, but surprise! The plaintiff had no insurance because he was headed to jail. Oopsie. Two gavels. Quickie - 0.5 gavel don't bother.

My least favorite shows are those where the Justice system establishes someone's guilt, and Dr Phil decides to make a one-sided show about that person's alleged innocence.

Cancer, Clothes & CDs - Cases with dead people are not my favorites, this one involves a family quarreling with a friend of the deceased over clothes and CDs. I can't make fun of that, these are people in the fog of mourning, they can't see the forest from the trees. The plaintiff seemed upset because the deceased looked forward to going back home (which didn't happen), and the defendant had permission to have a garage sale for some of her stuff. Unfortunately she can't be a witness anymore. Two sad gavels. Spoonfed Repo - I am giving this one 4 gavels not because it's an interesting case (it isn't), but because it's a perfect example of the mental tango that JJ dances with her unsuspecting victims. The plaintiff said nothing. The defendant was destroyed. Blow by blow. Just like I would be if I attempted to play chess against Kasparov.

Stormy Pearl - This case has everything. An out of control tatted up guest nicknamed "Dirty," old disabled ladies wielding metal baseball bats, chemical burns, fracking (I am not kidding - this case has fracking), tossed out litigants, dog bites, scratched children, referring to JJ as "Miss Judy," my pet peeve "high rate of speed" over and over, fake accidents and fake ambulance chasers, a trailer park with a huge dumpster in the middle, litigants shouting out "Amen!" and last but not least, 5 gavels. More to come. I had to rush and share that one.

I like Donna. She brings something gentle and laid back to the table, whereas the others seem to bring more urgency.

It's just weird giving so much cash to a broombeard. It's suspicious.