Toaster Strudel

This would have been worth two days if they had found the real Natalia. Very disappointing! I wasn't crazy about Lisa, I thought she had it pretty good, and was complaining about trivial things. She wanted people to behave exactly the way she wanted or she would become very sad, and disappointed. Suck it up. I can't believe Dr Phil wasted 3 minutes on a mirror that he could have spent shilling his books. I don't get destination weddings. People have 2, 3 weeks vacation a week, they want to go where they choose to go, not be forced to go to someone else's chosen destination, and have to pay for it too. "But it's just $60 a month and you knew 2 years ahead of time!" That's still $1440 and since she was greedy about the inheritance, I bet she wanted generous gifts to go with that, too. Like Empress1 said, she should expect people not to go, and she should shut up about it.

It could have been a robot porcupine.

Someone is making money with the letters! Maybe it's a low-grade scam.

Stephanidiot - Oh boy. What an ungrateful, uncouth sister this one was, and with attitude! She kept making faces and hoping she would bowl over JJ with her forceful lies. Did you guys know litigants get an IQ test before appearing? Well - after this one, they will. Every answer she gave perplexed JJ with its naked stupidity. Too stupid to realize how stupid she sounds. The morale of the story: "I won't borrow anymore money" - and the plaintiff waxing poetic about loving her loser sister, while the loser sister vowed to withdraw from her. Almost 4 gavels because the defendant was so daft, but losing some because it's just a loan/assault/drenched-laptop case. Angry! Defendant! - Shooting! Lasers! With her angry eyes! She is Morally Superior! Hate! She has a toddler! Never again! Two! Gavels! Broombeard - At first the plaintiffs didn't look too good with their bizarre relationships with cash, checks and bank account, and amounts that changed. Lucky for them it wasn't sushi Tuesday and JJ took the time to make a phone call... which was bad news for the broombeard defendant. Two broomsticks. Mouth Shrapnel - Please! Someone call a plastic surgeon! The plaintiff has buckshot in her right eyebrow, and shrapnel on the left of her mouth! This case has great names, Candi Justice vs. Ms Byrd. Sorry I have to bring up wigs; the plaintiff's hard plastic bangs were so low you couldn't see her eyes at all, and the false eyelashes made a dinging sound every time they bashed into it. Another idiot defendant with no excuses and an attitude. So the secret shopper check bounced, surprising no one. Three shards, plus one extra gavel for the visuals. Mini-Case - Judge Judy: "You can't keep the cheque!" Defendant: "hehehehehehehe" Two gavels for efficiency.

Oh my, yes!!! Jessica Williams! She's warm and funny and she can read!

Black Velvet - Be on standby with the pause button to read the alarming emails that the love-struck plaintiff (Shadi Battikhi) wrote the defendant. He was decked in attitude, a crushed black velvet suit and matching back shirt and tie. The defendant was dressed up as Swedish business Barbie. He came to get back gifts he gave her in the 3 days that he was smitten with her: a $3000 purse, some lingerie, and a $1400 birthday dinner. Just a regular courtship, right, ladies? She had already returned the gifts, although the lingerie is not refundable for obvious reasons, I thought she did the right thing. But he also wanted the dinner money back! What a tool. It was very important for that creep to know her astrological sign (another red flag) minutes after falling instantly in love with her. JJ admonished the defendant that she should have given everything back immediately, and dismissed her counterclaim for harassment. I was disappointed. This is the kind of possessive stalker that we all fear. The defendant was probably charmed at first by his enthusiasm and his insistence, but the moment she did not respond with as much fire and passion as he felt entitled to, blew a gasket and went into a tailspin. She probably got spooked, with good reason. He got the purse and the lingerie back, in my opinion, the dinner should have been on him. Four gavels to the head. Uninsured And In Reverse - Judge Judy enjoyed this case more than I did. Just some drunken doofus that backed up into six different cars after New Year's. He was insured because he got insurance the very next day! He must have "just missed a payment." Two gavels. Ice Ballet - Kids AND video! One kid got quite the shove in the back, you can see his spine bend unnaturally, and he fell face first on the ice like a ragdoll. The defendant, who falls in the category of pitbull owners, was minimizing everything, and turned into a disgusting a-hole in the hallterview when he suggested that the injured child take up ballet instead. Jerk. But seriously. Take up baseball instead. It's a better sport. I think there should be cops at hockey games carting off players to jail for assault. Four gavels. HMS Rollerbangs - Can't find the VIN number on a boat you're trying to buy, seller is really dodgy with regards to the title? Run, rollerbangs, run! 2.5 gavels.

Someone fire Michael Che already, when he's not flubbing ever single line and ruining the joke, I don't understand a word he mumbles with marbles in his mouth; and when I do understand, he's not funny.

This show led me to some reading on the topic, and probably "Aaron Mantini" was not just one man, but many. These scammers tend to be young, just out of their teens. They crowd in small rooms, where they eat and sleep, and have a few computers that they use in shifts. These computers are used around the clock. Whoever speaks the best English is in charge of the phone calls. It is team work. They refer to their marks as "yahoo jobs." They especially love Saudis because "they don't know what to do with their money." The broken English is incidental, but important. It helps filter out higher functioning, more skeptical people that may not yield money so easily. Same goes for all the obvious red flags. The more red flags they broadcast, the faster they zero in on the more vulnerable people, because the smarter ones will filter themselves out faster. If you read their contact email without rolling your eyes... they want to talk to YOU! When the marks runs out of money, they are passed on to another team, in Kaye's case, it was the credit card fraud team. They bought things with fake credit cards, had people mail her the illegally purchased goods, and like a good little sucker she acted as an unwitting intermediary forwarding this merchandise to Nigeria. Recently Kenya and Malaysia have become fresh hotspots for these scams. They are not conducted by Kenyans or Malaysians, but by Nigerian expats. Sometimes it's organized crime, the "soldiers" that do the footwork don't get much, most of the money gets funneled up a pyramid. Other times it's small, independent bands that keep the money. Kaye bought herself $218,000 worth of hackneyed love emails, promises, dreams, and fluttering heart. As she was spending it, she thought it was worth it. The scammer gave her a product she wanted, and she paid what it was worth to her. So what? Go to hell! Whore-faced bitches!

Oh yes! That's the case I forgot. The babysitter that wanted to have blanked time sheets signed!

Prince Strangulo - Two respectable-looking women stalk and fight with each other over some convict serving 6 years for strangulating one of them. Are you kidding me? Were they really trying to negotiate a written contract for an "ass-whoppin'" with a no-police-call clause? They sign here on the bottom line, then start punching and biting each other's faces off? The plaintiff left the hallterview clinging to Prince Strangulo's innocence. I hope she has super-strong carotids, she's next in line to get her oxygen manually cut off. I loved how the Prince lured them both into the same housing complex for his shagging convenience. Four ridiculous gavels. Uber Bore - Two twinks and a stupid car. Who knew that using a vehicle for Uber caused such rapid depreciation? One measly gavel. Car Trampoline - The granddaughter plaintiff with the giant head of half-black, half-red hair should spend more time in school, and lay off a bit on the cosmetic "improvement." JJ eyes were glazing over and she was fighting back the yawns trying to keep track of the plaintiff's incoherent tale of "giving attitude," not dropping her boyfriend at his house like he wanted, kidnapping his belongings, fighting over car keys, a whole ridiculous kerfuffle over nothing and largely her fault, that she barely remembered. But the defendant said he didn't jump on the car, and JJ wanted to believe him over the plaintiff, so that settled it. Four gavels. I am blanking out if there was a fourth case today! If there was, it didn't make much of an impression.

This week... mmm.... we'll see this fall season? Melissa Perez? I will remember that!

What is the lure? Those pathetic, poorly written "my love" and "I love you?" That's all it takes? "I have never loved anyone before you"?

That old bat who is in love with some Nigerian scammer that she has never met, "Aaron Mantini?" What a viper! Three gold stars to Dr Phil for dealing with her stubborn delusions and her venomous attitude to her daughter and the audience. I can't wait until tomorrow to see that bubble burst! I love these Nigerian scam reveal shows, I could watch them all day. And this time I am rooting for the Nigerian! No pity for this victim.

Value Of Truck > Total Litigant IQ - Another mamma's boy (spillover from yesterday?) gets his mommy to sue a teenage mechanic. JJ works overtime (that's 3:20PM) for whole whackadoodle back and forth, forward and reverse, over a $200 truck. Lies, restraining orders, goofy emails, threats of making phone calls in the back room, JJ believing the plaintiff, then the defendant, then the plaintiff again, shouting at people to shut up and answer her questions. 3 gavels for top notch crank from the bench. Mercedes Crash - Yet another mamma's boy borrows mom's spacetime traveling vessel and crashes it. I am not sure if the defendant in this case spoke Icelandic or Martian; in my defense those are two very similar languages. 2 flying saucers. Imelda Marcos Skips On Rent - A whole 30 minutes for only 1 gavel, all earned by the spaced out witness with the glazed brain cells and who put his fingers in an electric socket, judging by his hairstyle: fried.

Blacked Out Sister - Someone gets really wasted, shatters a drinking glass (I do not subscribe to the theory that the glass had an inherent weakness, but nice try), bleeds all over the place, freaks out, break the toilet, nicks the TV, the police gets called by neighbors... the plaintiff is probably still scrubbing. 2 gavels. Cute Little Jar Loan - Plantiff says his girlfriend called him crying as she chased her rolling car down the driveway into a tree, she says he was the last one driving the car and didn't set the hand break properly. Plaintiff's incestuous mom paid for some repairs, It was hard keeping track of the amount of money she repaid on the "gift" because the defendant repaid her in cash stashed in cute painted little jars. Mkay, Martha Steward, thanks for acknowledging it's a loan. 2 gavels. Mamma's Boy - What a vindictive Mother-In-Law. Her son is lucky he found a woman to tolerate him, roll down the red carpet, not lawsuits. 2 gavels. Doggie Rat Trap - That one went on a little too long, and the ugly shitty discs the plaintiff was wearing in his ears were distracting, but JJ had fun mocking their frivolous lawsuit. They were told explicitly that there were rat traps outside, but they set the dogs loose in the yard, guess what happened? No shit, the landlord isn't responsible for their vet bills. 3 gavels.

Who was that Kim person anyway? I don't have the Housewives Channel. She lied, she cried, she lied, she cried. I was too bored to watch the second half.

That arrangement looked like chocolate and coconut covered marshmallows.

Driving Mr Stewart - This was shaping up to be a May/December romance, but no! It's about a plaintiff that won his case for a few thousand dollars, squarely adjucated by JJ, and begged JJ to review further evidence which she did! Fool. And when she did see the extra evidence, reversed the judgement. Mr Stewart gets nothing because he couldn't quit was he was ahead. I was pleased because I thought Xiomara the defendant was direct, earnest and sincere, including her hilarious premature taking leave of the courtroom. I believed her. Three gavels. Mixed Martial Fraudster - This father of a newborn has his priorities straight going to gamble and seeing a Mixed Martial Arts fight, getting some sucker to pay for the tickets and paying her back with a check on a closed bank account. JJ toyed with his "Plan A" and "Plan B" defenses - it was delicious. 2.5 gavels. WTF Wedding Ring - I was totally confused. This couple had two children, a son and a younger daughter with the status of a guppy, the plaintiff could barely remember her existence. For nine years, on again, off again, woman went to jail for domestic violence, got bailed, he forgave her, throw in a $6000 ring, some bizarre custody agreement that he calls 50-50 but isn't, claims to voluntarily pay support but in fact doesn't, he owes the IRS money but she's in trouble with workman's comp, she pawned the ring, she was married three times before that and engaged six times... don't ask me for a timeline. Two gavels. Intervention Boarding House - This one was hilarious! The plaintiff (who rents a room in the defendant's house) wants damages for tripping over the defendant's hoard. She fell face first and knocked out her front teeth. "There is stuff everywhere! You can barely move!" she laments. Why are you renting a room in that hoard, you cretin? She shows JJ photos of the so-called hoard... I was so disappointed! There was no hoard at all, and I imagine these are the worst pictures she had. The defendant gets her turn and claims the plaintiff was drunk and utters the magic words: "I have video." Byrd ambles over and reveals a scene from Intervention, in particular, the fabled Christy episode. The plaintiff is splaying herself out all over the place, in her underwear, totally disshevelled, slurring: "hey I broka my toof, I dunno how that happen, hehe, imma gonna call my mommy, she fix my toof!" with the defendant humoring her and laughing while filming. Hey Brooklyn, I have Candy Finnegan on the line, she wants to talk to you, we love you like crazy, will you accept the gift? Four gavels!

Seven gorgeous white girls had their feelings hurt and received edible arrangements, what's more important?

In my excitement I forgot to mention... VIDEO evidence!!!

Ladies and germs... we have... FIVE GAVELS!!!! Handicapped Parking Bandits - A whole family of rotten, lying, gaslighting scumbags on the defendant's podium today. Do you wonder what kind of selfish, entitled, arrogant assholes park in handicapped parking spots? Consider yourself schooled after seeing this case. Essentially (I have removed "basically" from my vocabulary in favor of "essentially") the plaintiff called out the defendants on parking in a handicapped spot, resulting in fisticuffs and a wrestling match. The plaintiff (a diminutive chef) couldn't have squeezed the much taller car salesman defendant's balls long enough and hard enough. Bunch of sociopaths. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, Demetri. The wife (a teacher, of course!), was outrageous. She tried to play Judge Judy's violin about how "scared" she was, but the demon woman demanded that her son kicked the plaintiff that was immobilized on the ground by her stupid husband, and claimed out loud to the witnesses that... the plaintiff had tried to rape her! Thanks for contributing to making actual rape victims sound like they could be vindictive fibbers. What dirty, lying, unrepentant degenerates. She even lied that the plaintiff threatened to kill her, but JJ had none of it, seeing that she had omitted this important detail in the police report. They all sounded so proud of their assault, they could barely conceal their glee, and they expected to get away with it. It's for people like this that we need the Truth Machine. Lawyer's fees? DENIED. Yesssssssssss! That was so satisfying. At least they had the decency not to show their sleazy faces in the hallterview. Five, FIVE glorious gavels! Premium Hustla - The plaintiff's bizarrely patterned bow tie distracted from his mellifluous voice! Just a typical loan vs. gift, involving an insurance premium. One gavel palate-cleanser, after that first case, I couldn't have borne further excitement. "Insufficient Others" - We know what "significant others" are... we can probably guess what "insignificant others" may be... but "insufficient others" has me stumped! This is another loan vs. gift with possibly a fake foreign "boyfriend" to whom the money may or may not have been wired to. I can't hate the defendant, who said: "I am glad he won because he's a good guy" - so rare to see so much class in JJ litigants. One gavel. Hoarding: Repo'd Alive - This one was tedious with the plaintiff rambling on and on about dates and payments and missed calls and whatnot. The defendant's visible disgust at the condition they found the car in was adorable. They seemed like nice guys. Two gavels.

Last night was some other dumb story with his stupid dog Frisbee. I don't care for dogs and I am totally not interested.

Young Evel Knievel - A seven yr old brat steals his mother's car, experiments with the neutral gear and would have smashed into more cars if only he had a better view out the windshield. Who has no insurance? The little delinquent and his mother. The mother (an elementary school teacher) was worse than your typical pitbull owner when it comes to accepting no responsibility. Kid driving the car? No way! Didn't happen even though there were witnesses. Did she leave the kid in the car alone? Of course not! She just leaves the keys in the cup holder like most people! No insurance? Not her fault! The other driver was also uninsured! Is she insured now, months later? Erm er pfft gurble mmhhhhh... looking left, looking right... guess not! Outrageous. 4 gavels. Meme Machine - The plaintiff was making so many faces, I could have made screenshots for 400 different memes. I think the word here is "attitude?" She was a pig tossing chicken bones and empty beer cans off the balcony, is it a surprise that the woman who was renting her a room wasn't pleased with her? The defendant was pretty slippery, too, calling herself an 'entreprenooor,' hustling for "clients" at the drugstore, renting them rooms, "training" them to sell some pyramid scheme vitamins and weight loss supplements. WTF? 3 gavels.

Genitals In The Storm - A 25 yr old that started his family of three little miracles when he was 18, with three different women, and was locked up for two years, is being sued for a child-support related loan. What a prince! Of course the mother of two that was renting a room with the same relative as him would fall in love on the first day he moved in! Swoon! His back child support payments alone would have any of us old hags wringing our panties. Three wage-garnished gavels. Rock Tosser Tossed Out - What was that? Mother admits to starting a rock throwing fight with her fresh adult son, who retaliated with a bunch more pebble throwing, then escalated to tossing fistfuls of stones, ending with six stitches on the forehead of the spectating sister. JJ tossed out the mother along with her nasty 'tude. Aye! Can't they find jobs at the local quarry? Three granite gravels.

Proud Mother - Two sisters fight over a car. The mother is on the defendant sister side. What was wrong with her? She spent her whole 15 minutes of fame making bizarre passive-aggressive grimaces. Surprise! She is estranged from the plaintiff daughter! Being estranged from this fruit loop mother sounds like a good life strategy. Driving for 6 years without a license, racking up the speeding tickets, and totaling a car while drunk, is NOT a good life strategy. I wasn't crazy about the defendant knowingly selling a car to someone without a license, and defrauding the insurance, but at least she didn't seem mentally unbalanced like the defendant's side. 3 gavels for memorable facial contortions. There Goes That Smile Again - The defendant was having the time of his life while the plaintiffs described (1) their dreaded fear of his vicious pitbull, (2) how they wouldn't go near it without a baseball bat in hand (3) the raging beast breaking his chain, (4) the serious injury to their own stupid dog and (5) the very prolonged misery of said dog. What a knee-slapper this was for him! That big winsome smile like a happy audience member at the comedy improv three quarters of the way down his cocktail sure charmed Judge Judy... NOT! Twelve gavels for each smile, minus 4 gavels for each JJ mention of said smile, minus 3 gavels for each day of suffering of the victimized dog, plus one gavel for a baseball bat, divided by two dogs, that makes 3 gavels.