LilWharveyGal

Bwa ha ha ha ha! Who knew River Heights had so much pristine woodland?

I'm not a twitterer either and can't even figure out how to embed the nifty screenshots. Here's a transcript of the conversation: Audrey Kriss: *pulling my cup of noodle out of the microwave at my internship as someone walks up* How's the intern life going? I'm guessing your an intern right? Yep. I am a poor, hungry, intern. Mariah: I made you leftovers & you didn't take them... Audrey Kriss: OH YEAH. I was in a hurry this morning and COMPLETELY forgot. Thank youuuu Meri Brown: I bet you guys can't wait till you move home! :)

Oh yikes. I hope Meri's twitter reference to Mariah and Audrey moving "home" doesn't mean back to the cult-de-sac and the bounteous wet bar.

It always makes me think of the end of Ocean's Eleven. Probably not the critique you're looking for. :)

Yep, the Tres Leches cake of the governmental support world.

Oh let's give credit where credit is due - the entire group is inarticulate. :) The event was described as a "march" and definitely not a "protest," and then the two terms would be used interchangeably. It was for women's rights, or it was for LGBT rights, or both. It wasn't political, but it was inherently political because it was taking place in D.C. The story was never consistent. Not to excuse Kody's POV, but if someone had been living under a rock in January, 2017, and had to explain the event based solely on the Brown's description I think they'd have a hard time.

I don't know. Don't get me wrong, his facial hair is definitely not to my liking, but to me he looks like he could be on the o-line at any mainstream university. (This is probably my lack of personal knowledge of polygamist guys and biased good wishes toward Aspyn talking.)

Hunter's 21st birthday, part 2. Downtown LV is not my scene, but the kids all look pretty good!

I'm not emotionally prepared to hear the Life Is Beautiful music again so soon.

I'm a city girl and an American to boot, but I kind of need the red and black plaid ballcap and jacket combo some of the Canadian spectators wear.

I'd like to thank the Presidents for this day off that allows me to watch this crap early and still have plenty of time to frolic. Let's do it! Previouslies: Double your pleasure, double your funds, the Entitlement Twins got married. The Brown-Brushes moved back home. Mariah came out. There's a rainbow over the cult-de-sac as Mariah gets water from the fridge. Subtle, editors. Mariah has graduated from the school of Meri Brown Smirky Secret Announcments and tells us that she's invited Meri and Janelle over to ask them a question that's not too serious, but she thinks they'll be excited. Meri comes into the kitchen carrying her dog. There's an '8 Days Til Christmas' countdown thingy on the wall, and Mariah shows Meri her purple hair. Meri voiceovers that things got negative between her and Mariah during the catfishing fiasco, and we flashback to their awkward talk in the snow in February, 2016. According to Meri, Mariah is still angry. Meri says she wants to get to a place where she can be open with Mariah whenever Mariah decides to open up to her, and that that's hard for her. Apparently they're not open about much of anything, because Meri didn't even know that Mariah's finals were over when it seems clear that Mariah is home for Christmas break because school is over! The dog is the only one to get up to greet Janelle, who expresses her anxiety over another invitation to a bomb-dropping. Mariah explains that there's a march in Washington D.C. for women's rights and gay rights that she is attending with her friends, and she'd like Meri and Janelle to join because of their support of her. Janelle's interest is piqued. Meri thinks that the invitation is a huge step in her relationship with Mariah. "You'd have to travel with me, Meri," says Janelle, and everyone laughs. The two voiceover about their differences and need for professional help in working on communication. Janelle says that there was a time when she would have insisted on traveling separately. Mariah clarifies that the march is not a protest march, it's to support LGBT rights. Meri tells Janelle that they'd be going with a group of Mariah's friends who are coming to visit in January, and then Meri asks Mariah if she's interested in one of them. There's an awkward pause punctuated with giggles and ums, which Meri and Janelle assume means something. Mariah says that taking this action to go to the march would be a way Meri could demonstrate her support of Mariah. We flashback to her coming out. Meri notes that she had a hard time with the news, and that she saw Robyn, Christine, and Janelle all having more positive reactions than her. So, she repeats that to receive this invitation now is huge to her. We completely change gears now and learn that Kody and Aspyn went to Laramie, Wyoming, to pick up Maddie and Caleb. Kody says that there were work, college, and financial reasons for the Brown-Brushes to move, in addition of course to the baby. Meri and dog come outside to ask Kody how the drive went. He fills like he's been driving forever. There are approximately 200 vehicles in the cult-de-sac, and Caleb's pickup needs to go into the exact spot where Janelle's dead minivan sits. Ok, Kody counts 15 vehicles, so I guess I was a little off. Christine voiceovers that polygamist families have more cars than monogamist families. Well, bully for you. Kody starts talking about a different car, a white Jeep, which also needs to be pushed out of the way. After it's moved, Maddie steers the red minivan as Kody, Aspyn, and Caleb push. "I'm excited to live here," says Caleb sarcastically. On the couch, he continues tongue-in-cheek that he's so proud to be 30 with a pregnant wife, moving into a one-bedroom loft at his in-law's. As the storage trailer is finally able to be opened, Christine says that she knows Caleb is having a hard time with the move to Vegas because he's an outdoorsman. Kody agrees that it would be hard to be 30 and move back in with parents, and Robyn quickly pipes up to say that it's not because of a lack of motivation, but that Caleb's doing what's best for his family. Meri notes that by Kody's 30th birthday he had 3 wives and 8 kids. Overachiever! Back in the driveway, Janelle pats Maddie's tummy, and Maddie tells her that she's 21 weeks along. Maddie voiceovers that they already know the sex of the baby, but they're waiting to tell the family so that Christine has a chance to buy out either the pink or blue section of the party supply store. (Kiddingk.) The only other person they've told is Hunter, because he's in Denver. As they move in, Maddie says they can make do with the small space. A few months ago, they were both students and Caleb suffered a pulmonary embolism. Janelle voiceovers that when she first heard the news she thought Maddie would be a widow. Caleb voiceovers that it could happen again and Maddie and the baby would be left alone. On that macabre note, we switch back to Janelle's thoughts on the march. She has decided to go, and now the family needs to be told about their plans. Kody and the other wives are going to come over to Meri's to hear the news. Janelle is concerned that they'll be disappointed that they weren't invited. The adults are all assembled, and Meri announces that Mariah is going to D.C. for a women's march and has invited Meri and Janelle to go too. Christine is all smiles, and Robyn looks like she suddenly doesn't understand English. Kody's caveman brow is beginning to descend. He says that it seems very political. "What's it for?" chokes out Robyn. Janelle explains that it's a million women march in support of LGBT. Kody hesitates, which Meri worries that Mariah will consider to be a reflection on her. Christine voiceovers that she was very excited that Mariah asked Meri and Janelle. Robyn hurries to add that she's happy, too. Between them, Kody still has the silent caveman thing going on. Robyn continues that it's good news that Mariah and Meri are working on their relationship. Kody finally speaks up to say that he finds it "obnoxious" because he would rather have the family involved in his pet issues. Back in Meri's living room, Kody tells everyone that Joe Darger is organizing a march on the Capitol for polygamists. Janelle adds that it's to decriminalize plural marriages in Utah. Kody wants to support this and wants to be able to go back to Utah. He says that women and gay people already have their rights, but polygamists do not. Meri says that it's not about rights, it's just about visibility essentially. Kody thinks that half of the legislature is already female. He continues to expound and I will spare you most of it, but finally he points out that he lives in Vegas because he's in exile from Utah. The wives continue to fail to see a conflict of interest, or how putting energy into one group will take away from another. Janelle points out that women in polygamy are frequently abused and don't know their rights. Meri adds that they haven't been raised to be strong and empowered. Kody gets going again, but Meri finally states that she's sorry but she's doing this for her daughter. Kody still doesn't agree, but says that his concerns are probably invalid and tells Meri to go support Mariah. On the couch, he's still frustrated that this will somehow diminish Joe Darger's efforts. He asks if the march is political, and Meri is sure it is, and on the couch Christine lets slip that it's for the inauguration. With a concerned face, Robyn interviews that she hopes the march is not negative or political because it's something that "we" don't do. Good news, folks! Christine bought BOTH the blue and pink items at the party supply store, AND had time to hit up a bakery and now we can have a gender reveal party! Kody says that they're having the party just so he doesn't have to tell the result to four wives and 18 children at different times. Because it's totally his business to tell the news. At the party, Maddie is preparing bows and mustaches that the guests will use to vote on whether they think it's a boy or a girl. On the couch, Janelle notes that these parties are a big deal these days, as we pan over balloons, cupcakes, and decorations hanging from the ceiling. Meri notes that most of their kids were surprises, and Christine adds that she only had an ultrasound with Truely. Back in Christine's kitchen, Sol thinks it's a boy, and Truely thinks the baby should be named Lucy if it's a girl. I wonder how Christine would spell Lucy? Caleb wants it to be a boy. He prepares to hand out un-inflated pink and blue balloons to the crowd. They will take the color of their choice, but only the correct ones will inflate when they blow them up. The blue balloons have it. Both Caleb and Maddie are very excited, and Maddie notes that Caleb will have a hunting buddy. They also tell Christine that the name they have chosen is Axel. Maddie claims she had a dream where the baby came to her and told her his name was Axel James. I think I saw that trick in Fiddler on the Roof. (By the way, amidst the pink and blue there are fall decorations up at Christine's, so we've got a little timeline manipulation going on here.) So, remember how just a few minutes ago Janelle claimed that she and Meri no longer have a problem traveling together? Well, they're rolling up to Therapist Nancy's office in separate vehicles so clearly that emperor has no clothes. On the couch, Christine, Kody, and Robyn express their support for the therapy and say that often in polygamy the sister wives' relationships between each other are more complicated than the husband-wife relationship. Meri says that she and Janelle have had a couple of small conflicts lately that it would be wise to discuss and work through. Janelle is not looking forward to the session and wishes she could have a drink. Furthermore, if they can't clear the air she's going to "call in sick" for the trip. In Nancy's office, Meri explains that she and Janelle have been invited to go on the D.C. trip together. Janelle adds that there have been a few issues between them. Nancy asks for explanation, and Meri tells about a recent media interview the five adults gave regarding Mariah. When the interviewer asked Meri a question, Janelle jumped in and answered. Meri found this hurtful and assumed that Janelle didn't trust Meri to give a good answer. Janelle did not remember the question being directly asked to Meri, and when she asked the others about it they backed up her recollection. Meri expressed her frustration about this incident to Janelle via text, which Janelle felt was an attack. Meri says all she wanted was an apology, and Janelle thinks that would have been admitting a wrongdoing when she didn't even do anything. The camera pans down to some truly ugly leggings Meri is wearing. Janelle reiterates that if they can't sort this out she's not going to go on a two-and-a-half-day trip with Meri, even though she's already bought plane tickets. They're continuing to re-hash the incident, and Janelle starts to make the point that Meri would not have reacted the same if it had been Robyn or Christine she felt slighted by, and Meri responds, tellingly, "Nobody else is working on a relationship with me." Therapist Nancy chimes in to say that this doesn't seem like a huge deal compared to their past issues, but that it seems like a regression. Janelle asks for some tools. They both recognize Meri's defensiveness, which Meri says is basically her putting a wall up when other people are wrong, wrong, wrong. When asked about her own methods, Janelle says she completely withdraws when she feels attacked. Meri voiceovers that they are such opposites that it's always awkward and uncomfortable between them, with high potential for misunderstandings. Therapist Nancy asks if either of them think that the other spends time and effort coming up with ways to hurt them. Meri doesn't think Janelle does that at all. Janelle finally says no, too, but if you had asked her 10 years ago she would have said Meri was a b*tch who just wanted to make everyone miserable. Meri wants Janelle to recognize that she has to be aggressive and stand up for herself because nobody else will. Janelle says that she'll verbalize her needs instead of withdrawing or shutting down. She thinks they could use the experience of the trip as a way to erase some history and create a fun, shared memory. Meri is still nervous about it, and says that this trip is a big dill only because of the potential to heal her relationship with Mariah. We're at Meri's now, and for a moment I was excited because it looked like there was an actual spread on the wet bar, but it's just on the island. Wet bar fail! Mariah's friends are coming and Meri's even got the KitchenAid out to prepare breakfast for everyone. The gang was in Vegas for a 21st birthday (which probably blew Maddie's 21st out of the water), and now they get to be grilled by Meri about the logistics of the march. They say they'll all walk together. Kody doesn't know Mariah has arrived, so Meri asks Mariah to call everyone and tell them that breakfast is almost ready. Mariah is acting weird and repeats the phone request questioningly. It turns out she has another patented Meri Brown Smirky Secret Announcement to tell everyone, and Meri is wondering if Mariah wants to tell her alone first. It's incredibly awkward and Mariah's friends encourage her to just tell Meri. After what feels like about 10 minutes, Mariah finally spits out that she and Audrey are dating. Audrey is the friend standing closest to Mariah, and she adds that they've been dating 3 weeks even though Mariah was gone for 2 of those 3 weeks, but that they've been friends a long time so it feels like forever. (Between my friends and I, I feel like I heard that exact story about a billion times in college.) Mariah voiceovers that her only other dating experience was with a guy and it felt awkward, but with Audrey things feel comfortable and she's very happy. The whole family comes over. Christine says that she immediately scanned the friends to figure out which one was Mariah's girlfriend. Robyn insists that she did, too. Kody seems shocked that the wives had a hunch that Mariah had a girlfriend. Before everyone can eat, Mariah announces that she wants to talk to the parents alone outside. Meri walks out with her arm around Audrey, which should have been a huge clue. Kody and Janelle yet again express their anxiousness over these surprise moments, to which Audrey responds, "Seems to happen a lot." Oh, honey, brace yourself because you have no idea. Mariah tells everyone the news about Audrey, and the wives are happy. Kody says that he doesn't discriminate and must ask what Audrey's intentions are toward his daughter. "Only the best," replies Audrey. Mariah is super embarrassed over the whole thing. The parents all hug Audrey, and we see Janelle wandering back home in the background. Back inside, the family finally get to eat and Audrey makes the rounds to meet them. As with all newcomers, the friends are then asked their views on polygamy. One tries to mesh feminism and polygamy and says that everyone seems really happy in the Browns' setting. She clearly didn't watch the last segment. Now we're at Janelle's and she's preparing for the overnight flight to D.C. She's concerned about the tense atmosphere in D.C. Meri is also worried about the safety of the march. In case we didn't know, she is only going for Mariah and thinks that politics are stupid. We are treated to a montage of D.C. landmarks while Christine says that Meri and Janelle are such different people that vacationing with them is not fun. Well, they managed not to kill each other on the flight because they have arrived at a steakhouse to have dinner with Mariah and her friends. They have enjoyed D.C. so far and talking with others who traveled for the march. Janelle adds that she feels like she's part of a sorority. "When I was their age I was married," says Meri. Janelle tells the girls she is glad they're finding their voice, and Mariah very genuinely says she's happy that Janelle and Meri came. Meri rehashes the tough relationship she's had with Mariah for the past year or so. After the girls leave the restaurant, Meri asks Janelle if she could have some alone time with Mariah and Audrey the next night after dinner. Janelle is fine with that because she doesn't like to stay out late. It's march time! Meri was freaked out by the "not nice" words and chants she heard in the train station. By the way, she appears to have eschewed a jacket in favor of displaying one of her "online retailer" ensembles and she looks very cold. Meri texts Mariah to try and find her in the crowd. Janelle has no cell service and Meri wishes she had brought a map. They seem to be pacing up and down a street lined with food trucks so at least they won't starve. Finally, they meet up with the girls, minus one friend who is missing. The atmosphere, which Meri and Janelle found angry and unsettling, seems beautiful and empowering to Audrey and Mariah. Meri thanks them for keeping their signs classy. She voiceovers that Mariah and Audrey are very happy together and at the march, and that Mariah's happiness was all she ever wanted. The group tries to track down Claire, the missing friend. Mariah and Audrey leave their signs with Janelle and Meri, ask them to stay put, and split off to find Claire. But Meri and Janelle have to go to the bathroom, so they leave the signs and the other girls and ask them to stay put. The potty break takes about an hour and half, and when they emerge the march has already begun. With lighter bladders but heavy hearts, Meri and Janelle worry that they'll never find the girls again. When we come back Mariah is trying to call Meri but she gets no answer. A friend wonders if Meri and Janelle would have gone to a different point on the route to protest. Mariah says no. She says she's glad Meri and Janelle even showed up, and seems to assume they're gone for good. Meanwhile, Meri and Janelle are trying to push through the crowd, and finally they're reunited with Mariah. Meri calculates that it took them 3 hours to get to the bathroom and back. Claire has also turned up, so it's time to join the march. Janelle voiceovers that she likes the message of women's empowerment, but thinks that the protesters would view her involvement in polygamy as counter-empowerment. She thinks that being both a feminist and a polygamist is ideal, because she can both be independent and still have her husband and family. Mariah interviews that she's loving he march and is so excited to be involved in a historic event. As a cherry on top, Meri says there were no snarky comments between herself and Janelle. Over dinner, everyone reiterates their happiness about the day. Janelle then gracefully bows out, and Meri asks Mariah and Audrey to hang around and talk. Mariah is awkward and nervous. Audrey shares with Meri that she's been out about a year and a half, and that her family is religious but were nothing but supportive when she came out. Meri notes that her own response to Mariah's news was more deer-in-the-headlights. She continues that Mariah was always a girly girl, and that since Meri didn't have a son she imagined a future son-in-law filling that role. All of these dreams were dashed when Mariah came out, which, Meri freely admits, was not fair to Mariah. It has taken Meri some time to wrap her head around these changes, and she's now choosing to accept Mariah as she is. At the restaurant, Mariah says that she does feel supported by Meri and the family. Meri voiceovers that the trip has been a big first step in healing their relationship, and that she's looking forward to being mom and daughter again. Next week: Not to be out-marched, Kody wants to protest in Utah but the kids aren't enthused.

Yass!! He sure looks different but I'd know that voice anywhere.

Fingers crossed that the e x c i t i n g news is a job, internship, or grad school. I'm still recovering from the last Brown wedding and can't handle another one so soon, and flames-on-the-side-of-my-face if another kid decides to move back home to ride the show/MLM gravy train.

"If you can balance this much cookie, you get a celestial planet!" I'll see myself out.

That water is gorgeous, though. As a boring monogamist whose boring non-pyramid-scheme employer doesn't reward its employees with trips, I'll admit I'm momentarily jealous.

"Elegant Night" on the cruise. I do not think elegant means what they think it means.

Move over, Will and Kate. It’s time for the weddingk of the century, a mere 14 months after it actually happened! Grab your piñata-bashin’ sticks, non-watchers, and let’s see what happens… Previouslies: Mariah was not excited about version 1.0 of Meri's plan to buy a B&B and turn a profit. The well-meaning guitarist couldn't get Christine to sing in a lower key. Taco math at the country club. It's still dark as the family arrives at the country club on the morning of the wedding to work on the set-up, and my my, did Kody lose a fight with a curling iron? He's looking extra just-stuck-finger-in-light-socket on the couch. Mykelti's brothers, Christine's friend Ashli, and some of Tony's family are there to help Mykelti. Christine's wearing a t-shirt that says, "Don't Mess With The M.O.B. (Mother of the Bride)." She always makes me wish I owned stock in Vegas party supply stores. Christine voiceovers that Mykelti only invited helpers that she felt she could boss around, and that doesn't include Tony. As she hugs Tony's relatives, Christine continues that the Catholic Mexicans probably had preconceived notions about the polygamists prior to all this, and vice versa. Garlands of maroon and white faux flowers are hung in the windows of the club. Christine mentions that she has to sing and that she's nervous. Outside in the wind, Taunya and another helper are bundled up and setting up chairs. Mykelti is now departing for a timeshare rented by her parents where she stayed with her bridesmaids the night before. They all need to get their hair and makeup done before the photo session at 1:00. Bridesmaid Rachel asks Mykelti what the biggest adjustment to married life will be, and Mykelti responds that it'll be calling Tony, "husband." By the way, they're using nail polish remover on her special maroon manicure which she just got in the last episode. Christine voiceovers that she never called Kody, "husband." Kody adds that it was because they had to hide their polygamy, and that it's his biggest regret of their marriage, but that they've completely corrected that. Meri CHECKS HER WATCH. Tony and the bros-men are at Mykelti's apartment. One named Zack says he'll be freezing at the wedding and need a blanket, and Tony tells him that he'll get one as a party favor. Bedding: the gift that keeps on giving. It's 11:00 and a couple of the bros have video game controllers in their hands. There is confusion over the timeline, which luckily one competent bro accesses on his phone, and Tony decrees that they'll leave at 12:00. Christine voiceovers that Tony expresses himself with his actions, not his words. Robyn shares a story about asking Tony if he was excited to get married, and Tony deadpanned, "Yeah." Killer story, Robyn. Back at Mykelti's, Tony tells a producer that he's super excited. Kody voiceovers that the wedding day for a polygamist man is stressful and kind of sad, because he has to balance the feelings of all the wives rather than focusing on the special day with one partner. Flashbacks to all the Brown weddings. Kody's advice to any bride or groom would be to acknowledge each other and make the day festive. At the timeshare, Kody shows up in a suit and a ponytail. The younger daughters aren't having it. On the couch, Robyn and Janelle vote for the ponytail, but Christine says it doesn't work with the jacket and bow tie. Meri is also against. Christine explains that Kody has to dress differently for dates with all of the wives. Apparently the ponytail makes Janelle growl. "One time!" she protests. Commercials. Off topic, but how on earth is My Big Fat Fabulous Life still going? Hair and makeup continues. Truely wants to do her own makeup. Someone asks a very pale Maddie when she's due, and the answer is the middle of May. The Brown-Brushes don't know if it's a girl or a boy yet, but they both want a boy. Maddie wants their next pregnancy to be twins. The wives reiterate everything Maddie just said, and add that they have polygamist triplets - Gabe, Gwen, and Aurora are the same age. Mykelti hot-glues the fabric flowers of her bridal bouquet while Christine starts bellowing about stress, and from the makeup chair Aspyn asks her to please stop. Kody voiceovers that when Christine worries it affects everyone around her. Christine says that Mykelti doesn't stress, and Robyn adds that Mykelti seems to do best in the middle of a storm. She's all set for life with Tony, then. Mykelti voiceovers that she loves her bouquet and is very pleased with her decision to use fabric flowers rather than the real thing. In the timeshare, she hands out the bridesmaids' bouquets, and tells the girls that they're theirs to do with as they wish after the wedding. Gee, you girls just hit the jackpot! Christine voiceovers again about how much work the flowers were. Janelle, Robyn, and Meri arrive at the timeshare where Christine is now doing Mykelti's hair. Robyn rehashes her fight with Tony over Mykelti's hairstyle, and says that they both won because it's going to be half-up, half-down. It's time for the wives' gifts. Robyn presents Mykelti with something old, an antique gold hair pin and earrings. Her ulterior motive behind the pin was to ensure Mykelti's hair would be worn up. For the something new, Janelle offers two styles of fur "caplet" to keep Mykelti warm at the wedding. Christine points out that they're not real fur. Mykelti voiceovers her relief that the "pashminas" weren't made of sad, dead animals. Mykelti tries on one of the options that looks like a white faux fur stole with blingy button. Meri is something blue, and she gives Mykelti a set of 5 pearl bracelets, some of which contain blue pearls. Meri voiceovers that Mykelti had a very firm vision of her life when she was in high school, but now she has transformed into a woman and has a new dream and focus. Christine shares the story of the wedding dress flowers with everyone as her something borrowed. Mykelti voiceovers that all of the gifts mean a lot to her. Janelle asks if Maddie can put on a coat after the ceremony. Mykelti pipes up that she has pashminas for all of the bridesmaids and they can even change their shoes if they want. Janelle and Kody voiceover that they're worried about Maddie and don't want her to get sick. Robyn has hats and coats for Ari and Sol who are already sick. There were puddles of ice at the country club that morning, but there is no contingency plan. Speaking of the club, it's 1:00 and we're there. Mykelti shows the bridesmaids how to wear their pashminas while they walk in, basically hanging from the crook of each elbow where they'll provide as little warmth as possible. But if they're good children they may move them up to cover their shoulders during the ceremony. Kody sets up an arbor festooned with lace, maroon ribbon, and pearls. He and the wives gush over the Entitlement Twins being a perfect match. The girls get their pictures taken, Mykelti puts on red sneakers, and Aspyn gives her a bracelet that says, "Novia." This means "girlfriend" in Spanish and is what Tony calls Mykelti. Mykelti is touched and starts to cry. It's 1:30 and Tony goes looking for the bridesmaids. He's not allowed to enter the room but he calls out that it's time for pictures and that they're being slowpokes. Mykelti asks him to go away and she'll be there in 5 minutes. The photographer tries to steer him into position for the first look photos, which is not a term that Tony understands. He's wearing jeans with a big carabiner of keys attached to the back, and in his maroon shirt he looks like, "10 lbs of baloney in a 5 lb bag," (TM @LucyEth - you slay me!) so I'm shocked that he's considered photo-ready. Tony voiceovers that he's already seen Mykelti in her dress, so what's the big deal? A second later the carabiner is gone and he puts on a gray blazer as he continues to follow the photographer. Tony reflects on Kody's advice to enjoy the day with Mykelti and not get distracted by everything else, and we flashback to Kody's blessing. Mykelti voiceovers that she's very excited for Tony to see her. As they head outside for the photos, one bridesmaid has her pashmina hanging around her neck. Off with her head! The first look reveal comes off without a hitch, and I must admit, Tony was more genuinely complementary about Mykelti's appearance than I thought he'd be. On the couch, the Entitlement Twins rekindle the great hair debate, but back at the photo session Tony is joking about boobs and Mykelti is twerking, so it's tacky business as usual. The photo shoot continues, lights are strung, and blankets are deposited on the chairs. On the couch, Mykelti asks Tony if he has any jitters. He says he's excited. At the venue, Christine is excited and nervous about singingk. At 2:30, Mykelti wants all family members downstairs to get ready to walk in, but there's a snag. Kody is looking for his shirts, which Christine forgot at the hotel. With an annoyed flip of his hair Kody heads out to retrieve said shirts. Tony's family is also AWOL. Mykelti continues to insist everyone needs to be downstairs, but Christine is adamant that she needs to stay upstairs to wait for Kody. Tony's also upstairs being entertained by one guest's musical tie. Big Friendly Giant Paedon announces that Tony's family has arrived, and Christine asks him to take them downstairs. Mykelti icily repeats that she wants Christine downstairs. But Christine's still upstairs, where Logan tells her that Kody hasn't responded to his texts. Really, show? In the immortal words of Gwen Stefani, "This sh*t is bananas." The drama continues after the break. It's 3:00, Kody still hasn't arrived, and Mykelti bellows at everyone in the room to line up. Supreme Leader is displeased and will not be allowing the bridesmaids to wear their pashminas after all. Upstairs, Kody arrives and tells Christine she looks stunning. He's wearing black leather gloves with his wedding suit. The two of them finally go downstairs and get choked up over Mykelti's appearance, though Kody adds that she was, "kind of exposed...but it's her choice." Christine says that she always hoped Mykelti would find a partner who would get her, and Tony does. Christine adds that when she doesn't understand Kody, "that's what sister wives are for." The guests are assembling and we return to the scintillating topic of the weather. Ariella cries, and everyone bundles up in coats and blankets. Dawn gets on the PA system to explain to the guests what to do with the mini-Frisbees they're being handed. Meri voiceovers that she loves the Frisbee idea. Robyn comments that she was debating whether or not to take Ariella inside, but she wanted to be able to see and hear everything. At last the processional starts, capped off by Kody and Mykelti coming down the aisle. After giving his blessing, Kody gives Tony a big slap on the arm and goes to sit down. He voiceovers that since Tony is taking Mykelti away, Kody wanted his two pounds of flesh. Officiant Chris begins the ceremony, and a lady named Juanita is translating into Spanish. Kody says they're a bilingual crowd. Robyn voiceovers that the cold doesn't seem to be bothering the Entitlement Twins, and Mykelti isn't even wearing her "caplet." As Chris continues his Frisbee-laden message, Tony keeps making little asides. Meri voiceovers again how she loves the whole Frisbee thing. Robyn and Kody feel compelled to explain that you would never see this at a polygamist wedding, which is just for adults and, Janelle adds, very sacred. Back at the ceremony, Tony takes off his jacket to give to Mykelti. Christine takes this as a sign that this makes Tony an incredible person. Mykelti and Tony then read messages they wrote to each other, and again I have to admit they exceeded my expectations. There wasn't a boob or a twerk to be heard. We move on to the rings and the vows, then the Entitlement Twins are pronounced husband and wife and eagerly kiss. As they recess, they are totally surprised by the mini-Frisbees. The wives comment on how happy Mykelti looked, and how the ceremony was like witnessing a private moment between them. Indoors at the club, Paedon shakes Tony's hand and tells him he's now part of the family. Gabriel gives Tony a hug. On the couch, Gwendolyn and Dayton express their happiness about the wedding. Now it's family "pitcher" time and there's more angst about having to go back out into the cold. "This executive decision is not a good one," says Kody. Mykelti states that it's her decision. Kody counters that he is not making Ariella go outside. After the break, Mykelti acquiesces and says that Robyn's family picture can take place inside. Ooh, was that a cliffhanger or what! Christine's family heads out for pictures first. On the couch, Kody helpfully lists off every possible grouping you can have in wedding pictures. Christine says that picture time was possibly ten degrees colder than the ceremony. Her girls are wearing blankets and doing jumping jacks to stay warm. The shots look cute, but Mykelti seems to realize what an uncomfortable idea it is and tells everyone to head back inside for the rest of the photos. The photographer attempts to group up the entire Brown clan in the lobby while guests are mingling around. Then it's time to eat tacos, which Tony calls the staple food for the world. Kody voiceovers that Tony was right about needing more tacos for the guests. Robyn says that Mykelti should have a pillow that says, "Tony was right," on one side, and "Tony wasn't right," on the other side, that she can flip as appropriate. At the reception, Kody gets on the mic to welcome everyone to Tony and Mykelti's party. Juanita is again translating. Kody begins talking about the adventure of getting to know Tony while the buffet line awkwardly shuffles along behind him. He says that Tony's parents, Antonio and Maria, have become a brother and sister to himself and Christine, and goes on about how both groups want their kids to be happy. To be honest, I just noticed that Mykelti's hair seems to be red at the scalp and black at the ends, so I tuned Kody out a bit while I was trying to figure out what follicular shenanigans were going on. Kody calls Christine up. It's time for her to sing, and guess what? She's nervous! After a few words, Christine begins to sing, and yes, it really is as bad and as embarrassing as everyone here has already said. I’m pretty sure that Tony and Mykelti's anniversary shall forevermore be remembered in St. George as The Day The Music Died. Christine voiceovers for what has to be the fourth time that she's wants her song to demonstrate her acceptance of Tony and Mykelti as a couple. Mykelti voiceovers that she's always liked her mom's voice and that it meant a lot to her that Christine would sing at her wedding. Christine says again that she was nervous and never quite got the hang of singing with the guitar. Kiss-up Robyn insists it was awesome and sweet. Now it's time for cake. The Entitlement Twins attempt to cut a slice from a single-layer cake with a giant red king chess piece on top. Tony removes the king to make a deeper cut. The wives voiceover about Tony's plans to shove the cake into Mykelti's face. They totally mangle the slice but each manage to get a forkful cleanly into the other's mouth. There are several bigger cakes on display behind the two chess cakes, and Tony asks which one is Tres Leches. He scrapes a wedge of it out with his fork. Now it's time to go outside and dance in a heated tent, and that cake has sure fueled Tony up because he's really moving. Whatever song they're really dancing to under TLC's cheap filler music is clearly too fast paced for their moves. He twirls Mykelti and she has to pull her bodice back up. Christine thinks that they danced great together. Then Christine and Maria join Tony and Mykelti on the floor, and Christine says that Tony was such a great dancer it was difficult to follow him. It looks to me like he's just doing "I'm A Little Teapot" arms in triple time, but what do I know. Christine's clearly the music aficionado here. 20 more minutes are left?! Come on, Browns, I’m missing the Olympics for this. And Frisbee Flinging and Cake Shoveling are not medal-worthy substitutes! Oh gee, they've clearly heard my plea for more action because it's pinata time. Not what I meant, Browns, I take it back! Christine explains the bride/groom pinata situation to us for the thousandth time. She adds that pinatas at a polygamist wedding would be really really bad, with the old wives bashing the pinata of the new bride. Robyn and Kody perform synchronized facepalming. Christine continues that the pinata method would be cheaper than therapy, and that she's going to get everybody their own personalized pinata for Christmas. Then she starts cackling and I feel like we might be witnessing an actual psychotic break. Back at the reception, Pinata Mykelti is hanging from the tent and Tony goes to town on it with his bat. The big cheater isn't even blindfolded. Then another man takes a turn. Finally, Aurora takes a whack and is able to break the pinata, and little kids swarm on the candy. Now it's Mykelti's turn and she beats the pants off of Pinata Tony but does not break him. Garrison comes up and brandishes the bat in Tony's direction, then with two swings he breaks Pinata Tony. The kids again descend like a plague. The Entitlement Twins voiceover that hitting the pinatas was therapeutic. Kody voiceovers that he now wants a pinata that looks like him, "or a jackass." Wow, refreshing self-awareness there, Kodster. We're treated to a dance montage, and Kody clearly graduated from the same dance school as Tony. In what feels like a final interview, I hope, the Entitlement Twins are happy about how the day turned out, to which Tony adds, "magnaminous." Next week: Mariah has a girlfriend and wants to go to a gay rights march in Washington D.C. Meri and Janelle perform their annual rendition of, "How Do I Hate Thee? Let Me Count The Ways," with special guest appearance by Therapist Nancy.

What?! *clutches pearls* But that song has been sacred in Christine's family lore ever since Grandpa first warbled it to Grandma. Are you saying that they falsified such precious memories for something so tawdry as...monetary considerations? *gasp*

PLEASE tell me that's Pedro's wig from Napoleon Dynamite (what with being a Mexican tradition and all) and that nobody would actually really "style" their own hair like that for a wedding. Please...

Sounds like she was decompressing solo, and we know Meri's on vacay, so I wonder whether Kody was with Robyn or Christine? Or maybe hanging with Caleb?

So we're 4 episodes in, and I still think Gambi is Kevin Kline for a split second every time he appears. *sigh*

West Coast here and we just had one during the Opening Ceremonies on NBC as well.

You mean I have to go there, and he won't just come to me? Darn.

Dang! I still remember him from Square One when I was a kid. RIP, sir.