CletusMusashi

The Mountain, The Hound, and The Viper walk into a bar. Blah blah blah, order wine, yadda yadda, each one discovers a fly. The Mountain crushes it like a beetle, goes into a 'roid rage, and massacres everyone on the left. The Hound quaffs his drink obliviously, says something about chickens, and massacres everyone on the right. The Viper drinks his wine, smiles, and begins to unzip the fly...

I think if I lived in Westeros I'd work for the bad guys. I mean, come on. They're allowed to wear helmets, and carry shields, and they don't have to be named characters to wear body armor, and they're even allowed to shoot you from a distance with projectile weapons. If you're a good guy, your battle equipment consists of some cloth or fur, a short (non spear) one handed weapon... and gods help you if you're a giant! You'd think somebody who's twenty feet tall and considers the square/cube law to be the square/cube mild suggestion would be able to just stand back with a few wagons full of rocks and massacre the bad guys, but nope. Giants aren't even allowed to use a battering ram to break into castles full of archers. All I could think when Jon was glowering at Lord Kibbles was: "Shoot him! Oh. Right. For some reason you only own one weapon. Must make shaving your chest interesting. Well, then, have one of your archers... wait a second... all of you are like that now? What the fuck?"

"And after you beat their asses to death with this big-ass can of beans... you can eat the beans!" noted Abraham astutely. I'm very sorry.

I'm hoping that Ghost wanted to go out for walksies, so they're making her scoop up dire-turds.

I will take Jon Snow's fairly straight forward resurrection over what other shows might inflict upon us. If, say, Joss Whedon were in charge, Jon would be working as Hot Pie's assistant and using his breaktime to have dumpster sex with Melisandre while she screamed about him knowing nothing. It might even be a musical. And I, for one, do not want to see a Jon Snow musical. Now, a Mace Tyrell musical... sure. But he's been practicing for it, while everybody else was busy with their actual story arcs...

If Arya turns out to have been using theatre blood packs, I will feel very ripped off. Anyone remotely trained as an assassin should be easily capable of knowing whether they sank a knife deeply into someone's body or just barely into the surface. So I'm gonna say the stabs are real. Okay, maybe they might not be fatal, but for her to be back in the action any time soon the healing is going to have be supernatural. I don't suppose there's any chance of one of Qyburn's old college buddies finding her and creating FrankenStark, is there?

I just want the writers to speak to each other. Like, try to find out whether or not Zoom can open portals. If he can't, and you want to change that, maybe that change needs to be a plot point? And if he's Zolomon, then HE IS NOT NAMED JAY! And if the one that Caitlin was flirting with was a time remnant who is now dead, then don't bother me with some "Aw, maybe he does lurve her after all!" schtick. Honestly, I still can't understand why Cisco was obviously clairvoyant for remembering an erased timeline when they can all remember Season 1. So I guess, ultimately, my Season Three wish is a new head writer, who at least gives enough of a fuck about continuity to pay attention to the big story arcs. I don't mind the show being silly. Or dark. Or sad. Or scientifically flawed. But I do mind it being gibberish. If you haven't got the attention span to write big boy stories, that's fine. Write another King Shark, and I'll be fine. And please stop trying to make me get excited about him going back to that same exact night fifty times over. Eventually, there are going to be so many Flashes and Zooms crammed into that room that they won't even have room to move. And then Stewie Griffin will appear and kill them all with a death ray.

Understandable urge. I didn't even realize that glitch had happened. My bad.

As much as I sort of like A Man, the whole Faceless arc thus far feels kind of halfassed. First of all, how the hell do you run an intercontinental assassin's guild with only three people, two of which are pretty new to the game? I mean, sure, there might be a hundred field agents running around in other countries, but as far as running the home office, you've got one master, one apprentice who doesn't give a flying fuck about the home office, and one journeywoman whose main job seems to be "hating apprentices." So if Stannis had decided to spend his loan money on an assassin, how would that work, exactly? Would he pay for A Man and get Amanda? Or would A Man go do the job, leaving two pissy teenagers in charge, to burn the temple to the ground trying to kill each other? And, even in the next challenge to come, what exactly will Arya's lessons be good for? She's learned the fighting tricks of a faceless girl? Okay... so she knows...the same exact shit as her opponent, but with less time for real practice and internalization. Since A Man himself said that Water Dancers and Faceless Men are different things entirely, I'd love to see Arya whip out of some of her old training, but... she won't. For one thing, the narrative has been clear for a long time that she is nowhere near Syrio-level, nor should we expect her to be after, what? A month of training in Season One? Also, there really is no big, definitive Chekhov's Lesson. Or if there is, it would have to be on the level of "According to Faceless tradition, whoever catches the most cats is the winner of this assassin duel!" Which... is not going to happen. I hope. Honestly, the only thing Arya really knows that Amanda doesn't, as far as I can think of right now, is the importance of armor and big fucking weapons. But how the hell she would go about concealing the procurement and bearing of such things, I have no idea. I do hope she joins the actors, though. I'd watch a whole season of just them touring Dorne.

Maybe when Arya has her final battle against...whatever "a man's" sidekick is called... maybe "Amanda?".. it will take place near the docks, and Gendry's long lost canoe will provide a useful distraction by crashing into the shore. Bonus points if he's somehow picked up Nymeria along the way.

What exactly is Euron's end game for the Iron Islanders? Step 1. We can not plunder Westeros, because they always kick our asses. Step 2. We bring over somebody even stronger than our enemies, to conquer Westeros for us. Step 3. PROFIT! Because apparently Danaerys' people would not have any complaint about being constantly attacked by an island of stupid pirates. And... could that political process possibly be any more halfassed? What were there, maybe about twenty people who cared enough to even watch? I honestly think that Yara could have just stuck a sword into Euron's belly, said "Oh, I've got balls. Hey, priesty, drown me and let's get this regime started!" and all the bystanders would have been pretty much fine with it.

Random thoughts. 1. It was a good team-building episode. We saw almost everybody act like equal members of the team. Wells trusting Other Dad with his daughter's life, for example. Or Joe teaming up against Zomgirder with Iris instead of arguing with her for half an hour. Everybody who was conscious did the most useful thing for the group that they could. Except maybe Wally, who remains useless. 2. Never mind the episode title. I don't even understand why that book was called "The Runaway Dinosaur." It should have been called "The Dinosaur Who Wanted To Be a Different Kind of Dinosaur." 3. With all the shit they had going on this week, it sure was nice of Zoom to stay away. Instead of, oh, I don't know.. maybe acting his usual self and tormenting them every five minutes with his newly charged superpowers... 4. I hope there's a newscast or something in which Sisko sees all the new supervillains, just so he can make up names for them before we find out that they already have underwhelming ones. 5. Overall, flaws or not, I think if they trimmed five minutes of Barry Getting A Pep Talk out of it, this would have been great. As it was, well, hey, at least it was good. I'll settle for good, That's been in short supply lately. ETA: I spelled "Cisco" wrong, didn't I? My bad. Can't imagine why I suddenly have this show mixed up with DS9...

These days I think she just calls herself "a wolf," though.

I refuse to watch the teaser, for fear that it might convince me that this episode does not, in fact, involve an actual runaway dinosaur. I mean, yeah, part of me already suspects that it's just a metaphor, but I'm hoping, god damn it! If anybody knows for sure that the title is not meant to be taken literally, please keep it to yourself and let me have this, just for a few more days. A dinosaur could be even better than a talking shark!

About Barry not knowing his paternal grandma's maiden name: that started to bother me when I first heard it, but then I realized I don't know the answer either. Now, granted, my father's been dead since I was in high school, and his whole side of the family live out of state, so for all I know maybe it's something that most people would be aware of. But on the other hand, Barry has spent most of his life with a father in prison. So when would it have come up? Plus, knowing that little tidbit of knowledge was pretty much the only thing Papa Allen was actually useful for this week, so let him have that.

The only big shock this week was that the two kids they locked in a room together didn't have sex.

I know this one. "Hi guys. What? No! They tried to stab me to death. But I hid under a dumpster."

Interesting, but if that does happen, it will just be a way to screw with the audience by giving a moment of false hope. There's no way Ramsay still has a servant who isn't terrified of him.

I'm gonna say....running the Dornish brothel that served as the Sand Snake's ultra-secret Snakecave? I'm good with that. Anything that keeps Littlefinger off camera, I'm fine with. To be honest, I was pretty underwhelmed last week, but last night I loved everybody. Even Ramsay, who has always been just an annoyance to me, has actually turned out to be interesting once he starts doing a lot of evil shit quickly, instead of just gloating over Theon or Sansa for half an hour. Even Bran wasn't boring! But expecting Littlefinger not to suck might have been stretching things a bit. Leave him wherever he is, please.

She took some heavy blows to the head, resulting in short term memory loss, which she tried to cover by reading ahead in the script. Electric Mayhem style. This means that all she knows about who Arya is or was with is that they are "a man." And... anybody else kind of waiting for Miss Swan from MadTV to show up in Braavos?

I'd like to see a whole story arc about how FrankenMountain goes undercover by adding a fake mustache. I mean, it would still be better than either of Tyrion's attempts! Do witches know about shrinkage?

But they forgot the part where Sam tries to program a Snowbot!