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Succession of memorable quotes

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“… a dildo dipped in beard trimmings.”

“Do you think that’s a natural progression from never done nothing never to most important job in the world? Could you maybe get a little experience at, like a CVS or something?” 


“It’s Logan’s G-spot. I can finger-bang him all night long”

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From Reddit thread where other fans posted quotes:

"It's a job." ... "Shooting bolts into cows' heads is a job, but it's not how I want to spend my Thanksgiving!"

"I can promise you that I am spiritually and emotionally and ethically and morally behind whoever wins."

"You better be smelling your fucking armpit, Romulus."

" I hope you're happy now, Charlotte, 'cause my mother is dying of thirst. And I've just picked up a bag. I'm carrying a case on my wedding eve."

" The butter is too cold! The butter's all fucked! You're fuckwads and you fucked it! - There's dinner rolls ripping out there as we speak!"

" It's cool, though, 'cause it's like I didn't cheat 'cause all the sperm stayed in my own body. Like a closed loop system."

Roman: So Fuckin' our sister? That's cool, man.

Tom: Yeah, it's kinda weird when you talk about that.

ROMAN: No, I think it's really cool. Like, what's it like, like, to bang our sister?

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"We serve a demographic of highly, highly intelligent viewers who are really tired of being patronized elsewhere by latte-sipping douchebags with hundred dollar haircuts."

"And now you're taking reach-arounds, and flights on a 787?"

"Nervous, come the fuck on. For din-dins with firecrotch and normcore? Please..."

"I heard you were drying out in a Schloss, doing shitty yoga with hausfrau?"

"If I'm the king, and you're the queen, maybe it's fine to fuck the odd peasant."

"This empty wall? Here? I don't care if it's incredibly gauche, but can we not just a big beautiful portrait of us up there? Too Saddam? Too Assady?

“Uh-huh, fuck you too, you pusillanimous piece of fucking fool’s gold, fucking silver spoon, fucking... asshole.”

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“This is nice.”


”Nice bit of war torn, spooky, anti-Semitic, vampirey, authoritarian Europe.”

Edited by scrb
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Shiv:  Can you imagine if someone actually cleaned up here, Tom?  With a cleaning fucking zeal?

Tom:  Uh-huh, like Mary Poppins with a hard on?

Shiv:  No like me.  Or you?


Roman:  Oh amazing.  I'm stripping down to basics.  This is my White Album.

Gerri:  This is good for you Rome.

Roman:  I know.  I'm gonna grow up and becoem a real little boy, and learn the price of an egg, and do phone sex with my girlfriend like a normo.

Gerri:  You'll do fine.  Just be brave okay?

Roman:  Yes mommy.


Cyd:  Sort of kind of like a farm hand?  Clip his coat? Uh, do you have to milk him?

Greg:  Uh no, I just keep my head down and keep the lattes floawing you know?


Frank:  Yeah the family trusts here.  This could be huge.  She could be our Coriolanus.

(Logan and Kendal look befuddled).

Frank:  He switched sides:

Logan:  You know, why don't you take your library card and ... fuck off?


Greg:  It could be like -- like a business open relationship.

Edited by scrb
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Shiv:  Waystar isn't coing in to fuck you, but to make sweet, sweet, Barry White-investment love.  Beauty saved by the beast would be the flavor.

Rhea:  I think it's telling that your most positive spin still sounds a bit rapey.

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A friend of mine at work and I have begun to call a lot of things "Executive level business!" when we're doing mundane tasks.

And it's a quote that works better in gif form, but we so rarely see Kendall smile, and him screaming "Fam-ily Ther-a-py" cracks me up every time I think about it. Just the glee he had.


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S02E06:  Argestes:

“It’s difficult? Oh I’m sorry buddy, would you like a handjob and an Advil? Fuck off, then.”

“Send out the two cover stars for Toxic Male Monthly, and why don’t we get Ted Bundy up there and make it a threeway?” 

We've been circling for a fuckin' hour. TELL THEM WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF GAS!

You don't really hear much about syphilis these days. Very much the, uh, the MySpace of STDs.

Is there an angle here for a team-up? Like me, kind of like a Jagger/Tarzan fronting things up and swingin' through the trees with my little dick singin', killin' shit, and you back home cookin' us soup and makin' sure the numbers are right. Hmm? Rockstar and the mole woman?

Wow, someone thinks they're Beyonce.

Edited by scrb
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S02E07;  The Return

"Good. I like a boring bastard flying me. Serge always looks as if his dick's still wet, and he's gonna give me the name of a good fuckin' pinot."

"Dude, are you, like, talking yourself hard right now?"

"Are your nips hard? They must be because you are so out in the cold."

"The next Zucker fucker comes along and swallows you whole, shits you out as an app."

"You know, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Our stuff. We give them a bit of a laugh, some decent TV to watch, news that doesn't talk down to them. Good fuckin' people, nice fuckin' folk."

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Check it!
Born on the north bank, king of the east side,
Fifty years strong,  now he's rolling in a sick ride,
Handmade suits, raking in loot, 
Five star general, y'all best salute.
Yo, bitches be catty but the king's my daddy
Rock all the haters while he go roll a 'rati
Squiggle on the decks, Kenny on the rhymes,
[Unintelligible] this time

L to the OG, Dude be the O-G-A-N,
He playin', Playin' like a pro, see
L to the OG, Dude be the O-G-A-N,
He playin', Playin' like a pro 
Make some noise

A1 ratings, 80k wine
Never gonna stop baby, fuck father time
Bro, don’t get it twisted, I’ve been through hell
But since I stan Dad I’m alive and well
Shaper of views, creator of news
Father of many paid all his dues
So don’t try to run your mouth at the king
Just pucker up bitch and go kiss the ring

L to the OG, Dude be the O-G-A-N,
He playin', Playin' like a pro, see
When I say L you say OG
L to the [silence]
L to the [OG!]
L to the [“You need to stop this”]
L to the motherfuckin’ OG

Dundee in the motherfuckin' house.

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S02E06:  Dundee

Rhea: Wow. A whole school for how to intern at a clickbait aggregator.
Kendall: Yeah, ten reasons why you're never getting paid.

Connor: It's interesting that dad's agreed to go back to Scotland for this dedication dinner.
Shiv: Yeah.
Connor: He didn't have it easy.
Shiv: Umm hmm.
Connor: He had to shit outside, right? Sometimes I think I'll never truly understand dad until I shit outside.

Roman: Oh, and one more thing real quick. Should weeee get married?
Gerri: What?
Roman: You know, not that. An equivalent. The think. Like I abduct you and force you to live with me.
Gerri: That's not equivalent.
Roman: Then you kill me. You chop my dick off, you know? Something. I'm kidding, but you know what I'm saying. You eat me. I eat you. Like they do in Germany. Anyway, it's a lot to think about. I get it. So let it [wiggles fingers by his head]. Bye.

Ewan:  The Logan Roy School of Journalism. What's next, the Jack the Ripper Women's Health Clinic?

A Grexit if you will.

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S02E09:  DC

Gil: Do you know what is special about the hours between 3 a.m. and 5 a.m. on the night of March 12?
Tom: Uh, no sir.
Gil: That was the only two-hour period in which you did NOT send an email to Mr. Hirsch with the title You Can't Make a Tomlet Without Breaking Some Gregs. You send the same email to him 67 times in one evening.
Tom: I guess it was a joke [snickers nervously].

Greg: What? No, I mean, my grandpa changes his mind a lot, so it's not final, and plus, um, he's so sturdy. Like who knows how long I might have to wait. I'm good, anyway, cuz, uh, my, so, I was just talkin' to my mom, and she said, apparently, he'll leave me five million anyway, so I'm golden, baby.
Connor: You can't do anything with five, Greg. Five's a nightmare.
Greg: Is it?
Connor: Oh, yeah. Can't retire. Not worth it to work. Oh, yes, five will drive you un poco loco, my fine feathered friend.
Tom: The poorest rich person in America. The world's tallest dwarf.
Connor: The weakest strong man at the circus.

If I was to give Tom a letter grade, I'd give him a B+ for Bad plus Terrible.

- Frank.

Logan: You know, you're fungible. 
Rhea: I am not fungible.
Logan: Oh, yes you are. You're as fungible as fuck.
Rhea: Fine. Then funge me. Go ahead. Try.

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S02E10:  This is Not for Tears

Logan: What the fuck was that?
Shiv: Uh, I don't know. I think it's getting to people? The tension?
Logan: He ate my fuckin' chicken.
Shiv: Um hmm.
Logan: So, what's next? Stick his cock into my potato salad?

Tom: You told me. You told me you wanted an opening relationship on our fucking wedding night.
Shiv: This. Oh. So you've been stewing on that?
Tom: Why yes, I have been stewing on it. I'm not a hippy, Shiv. I don't want to stuff a dildo up my, I don't want to do threesomes!
Shiv: OK!
Tom: On our WEDDING NIGHT? Bang! Shanghaied into an open-borders free-fuck trade deal.
Shiv: It was just an idea.
Tom: Well, that's, that's a biggie just to throw in at the altar. You know? I do, I do, but I do maybe also demand to gobble the odd side dick.
Shiv: Gobble the odd side dick.
Tom: I don't think it was cool what you did. I just, you know, I think a lot of the time, if I think about it, I think a lot of the time, I'm really pretty unhappy.
Shiv: What are you saying?
Tom: I don't know. I love you, I do. I just, uh, I wonder if, I wonder if the sad I'd be without you would be less than the sad I get from being with you.

Kendall: He loves me. He does. I think it's just the wrong kind of love expression.
Naomi: Yeah, daddy loves the broken you. That's what he loves.

Tom, I feel like you're turning our threesome into a twosome.


So, someone's getting shitcanned. Let's get the party started.


Logan: So. What do you think?
Hugo: Me? If you added Carolina, that's a decent bundle of leadership meat to feed the sharks.
Logan: Slipper c***. Knife your boss? You're a nasty bastard, aren't you?

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(Paraphrasing) Greg:  Internet is really large and I haven't read all of it.

Kendall:  Because I don't like to drop a deuce where the staff go.

Kendall:  I don't give you enough money for gender-appropriate razors?

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"I don't have a lot of boundaries. St. Augustine, Thomas Aquinas, Schumacher. I'll borrow from anyone. And, you know, if Franco or H or Travis Bickle had a good pitch, fuck it, I'm a man for all seasons."


"Sluice out the fucking porridge and add some sriracha. Poach some of those TikTok psychos, you know? E-girls with fucking guns and Juul pods, you know?"

"We're strictly bone broth and dick pills."


"I think I owe it to my country to say... I don't think you should crown - or make Connor president."



"I'm not saying it's going to be the full Third Reich, but I am genuinely concerned that we could slide into a... into a... a Russian Berlusconied Brazilian fuck pile."

"We need one voice on this, or we could fall apart, and hand it to the fuck-fuck donkey gang."


"Rick, come on! You jerked off to Reagan's headshot for 30 years, and now you're Tom Joad?"



"I think what I realized is that I'm just not that interested in being a commercial playwright."

"I mean, the audience helped you discover that, didn't they, babe?"


"Con, maybe don't abandon me upstate with Larry Lech here."

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"The Odin of codin'."

"What can I get you?" "Privacy, pussy, pasta."


"Look at you all gussied up, you slick little fuck."

"Well, I mean, she's way out of your league, man. I mean, it's like a haunted scarecrow asking out Jackie Onassis."

"She's a goddess. And you're a... you're a nine-foot Cro-Magnon Man."


"Well Greg, I'll tell you. I got a dick the size of a red sequoia, and I fuck like a bullet train."

"Prove it." "What?!?"


"He sent sherpas. He's not coming."

"It's off. Tell these kids to fuck off. Meeting cancelled."

"Where is he? Getting his nails done, asshole whitened?"

"Miss this, and we end up being a pilot fish nibbling leftovers from Bezos's fucking teeth."

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"Well, we just walked in on Mom and Dad fucking us."


"So, how do we feel about killing Dad? Mixed feelings?" "Pass me the fucking shotgun."

"We fucking take Mussolini away in a van to the hospital, take over the radio stations."

"Where do you think we fit on Matsson's new org chart, Rome?" "He'll Romanov you and take you to the cellar and that's that."


"Please, man. I can't." "Okay, yeah. You're right. I guess I'm just trying to say, like, who's the real victim here? I waited three quarters of an hour for a gin and tonic."

"I mean, who hasn't clipped the odd kid with a Porsche, am I right? I mean, it's like a rite of passage. I've killed a kid too, big deal."

"I'm a killer." "Fuck you. Bullshit. Come on. At worst, you're... you're an... irresponsibler, okay? You're bigging yourself up."


"He's working on his baby batter."

"Dad's putting together a more adhesive and potent gloop."

"Look at all the walnuts he's been munching! He's gonna be rocking sperms like a little catfish."

"Dad's scrambling the fighters."

"Hey. What's going on?" "Uh... nothing. Just Dad cranking up the trebuchet."


"Do you want me to come with you, Dad?" "No. Stay here and play with your dick."

"Let's go see Hans Christian Anderfuck and see if he's been telling us fucking fairy tales."

"So, what is it son? Are you scared of pussy? Is it all screens or up the ass with you, or what?"


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“The Hundred is Substack meets Masterclass meets The Economist meets The New Yorker.”

Kendall on his new business venture with Shiv and Roman.


“Munsters. Meet the f***ing Munsters.”

Logan on his birthday party guests.


“What’s her name? Her full name? Is it randomf***? Bridget randomf***?”

Kerry on Greg’s date.


“Marcia’s not here. She’s in Milan, shopping. Forever.”

Kerry on Logan’s ex-wife.


“It’s like clickbait but for smart people”

Roman on The Hundred.


“Tell them they can shove their petrodollars up their human rights record.”

Roman on potential investors of The Hundred.


“Conversation is important to be inside of.”

Greg on Connor’s polling at one per cent.


“Have you heard from the rats?”

Logan on his children.


“What’s even in there? Flat shoes for the subway? Her lunch pail? Greg, it’s monstrous. It’s gargantuan. You could take it camping. You could slide it across the floor after a bank job.”

Tom on the size of Greg’s date’s handbag.


“Everything else might fall apart. He [Kendall] might go on a killing spree in 7/11 and you might get your dick stuck in a AI jerk machine.”

Shiv on looking out for herself. 


“This is not about getting back at dad but if it hurts him if it doesn’t bother me.”

Shiv on buying Pierce.


“Tell her you’ll be able to hear her better if she took dad’s c*** out of her mouth.”

Shiv on Kerry.


“What if we got married underneath the Statue of Liberty with a brass band? Get a rapper. I don’t know. Jet packs and confetti guns and razor wire and bum fights and, you know, goody bags and hoopla and razzmatazz.”

Connor on his upcoming wedding.


“You’ve accidentally made him a sex tape, Greg.”

Tom telling Greg about Logan’s CCTV filming him and his date.


“I never meant to soil these halls.”

Greg on having sex in Logan’s house.


“I think it is best if you go do what you have to do. I don’t want to see what happens in Guantanamo. So you go do your ways and God be willing.”

Greg to Colin on his way to remove his date from the birthday party.


“I don’t like this, it’s horrible. It makes me feel like I’m in the middle of a bidding war.”

Nan while in the middle of a bidding war.


“Congratulations on saying the biggest number you f***ing morons.”

Logan to Shiv, Roman and Kendall after losing the Pierce bidding war.


“Who is this f***ing lunk anyway? He looks like a ballsack in a toupée”

Logan on one of his ATN newsreaders.

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Season 4 Episode 2, The Rehearsal:


“That sounds like Homework: The Show.”

Shiv on Kendall’s idea for a news show on PGM.

“He looks like if Santa Claus was a hitman.”

“It’s like Jaws. If everyone in Jaws worked for Jaws.”

Greg on Logan circling the ATN newsroom.

“Hanging around like the threat of nuclear war.”

Tom on Logan’s increased interest in ATN.

“One email. F***ing Stakhanovites in here. Please don’t exhaust yourself.”

Logan to an ATN journalist.

“You’re doing great so far… you look stupid. Must act natural to fool the humans.”

Roman on Kerry’s stint as a news anchor.

“Anyone who believes that I’m getting out, please shove the bunting up your ass.”

“You’re f***ing pirates!”

Logan to his ATN employees.

“We have somewhere to be, so we need to get on that chopper and if we’re not I’m going to put aside several hundred thousand dollars and I’m going to dedicate it to destroying your life.”

Roman to the Waystar employee who won’t let the siblings on the company helicopter.

“Hey Buddha, nice Tom Fords.”

Roman to Kendall.

“I think we might need someone to go and suck off an independent director … go and put your f***ing lipstick on.”

Logan to Hugo.

“Toss her another ten grand. Ora snow mobile and some teeth whitening vouchers.”

Roman on Willa after she fled her own wedding rehearsal dinner.

“Somewhere fun and real. Away from the fancy dance A real bar with chicks and guys who work with their hands and grease and sweat from their hands and have blood in their hair.”

Connor on his bar preferences.

“Those guys sound like a medical experiment gone wrong.”

Roman on Connor’s bar preferences.

“This is an incredibly delicate piece of diplomacy Greg. It’s like Israel-Palestine, except harder and much more important.”

Tom on telling Kerry she is not good enough to be an ATN anchor.



“We’re eating. Right here. Billy Ray Cyrus’s Kentucky Fried Shit Shack.”

Roman on Connor’s choice of bar.

“It’s just dick pics anyway, he’s got a real taste for them now.”

Roman on his texts to his dad.

“Stop ganging up on me like you’re Lennon and McCartney and I’m George. I’m John motherf***ers … He’s still Connor but he won having drinks with us at an auction.”

Roman to Shiv and Kendall.

“Kerry can I grab you for five minutes?”

“Yeah why not, you’ve already grabbed every other woman in Manhattan.”

“Thank you.”

Greg to Kerry.

“What happens if I kill a Buddhist? Do I get reincarnated as a f***ing Buddhist?“

Roman on Kendall.

“This is Guantanamo level s***.”

Roman on Connor’s singing.

“Wanna give us a quick blast of ‘New York, New York’ and f*** off?”

Kendall to his dad.

“Holy shit. Did dad just say a feeling?”

“It’s all coming out. Mr Melodrama over here. It’s like a f***ng telenovela.”

Kendall on his dad to his siblings.

“Congrats on losing your betrayal cherry.”

Kendall to Kerry.

“You’re needy love sponges. And I’m a plant that grows on rocks and lives off insects that die inside of me.”

Connor to his siblings.


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Living + quotes:



Good to see you, Dad.



Living+. No, it's land cruises. Hey, you know how shitty and heartbreaking it is being locked up on a cruise? How about that, but you also get to stay in the same fucking place the whole time. I'm not gonna pursue, so why would you announce?



Matsson: Well, you keep me looped, my girl on the inside.
Shiv: Oh, fuck you my boy on the outside. You know, I'm going to tell my brothers everything you said.


You're scheduling your grief?



Roman: Well, something about this all does depress me.

Kendall: Oh yeah? And, uh, do you think it's this speech written specifically for our late father or the fact we're planning to warehouse the elderly and keep them drunk on content while we suck 'em dollar dry?


Roman: You don't treat me with sufficient respect, and that's a problem. 

Gerri: Uh huh.

Roman: Or maybe I'll fire you, too.

Gerri: Sure. I'm not on the kill list.

Roman: So.

Gerri: So, Matsson will be very angry.

Roman: Fuck Matsson. I don't care.

Gerri: Be serious. You're minding shop. Roman. Oh, no, no, no, no. Roman! You cannot win against the money. The money is going to wash you away. Your dad knew. Tech is coming; we are over. Make your accommodation.

Roman: This is a simple business decision. You are not good at your job. Maybe Dad did know. Maybe I'm firing you for a list of failures I choose not to outline right now but including a failure to close off our liabilities, Vis-à-vis claims against Waystar cruises in a timely manner. That will play nicely. Let's do that.

Gerri: I am good at my job.

Roman: Shall we get started on the paperwork? You want to do it yourself, or do you want me to get somebody a bit sharper? Bye.




If I cringe any harder, I might become a fossil.



It's really well-edited.





How am I supposed to follow this? He just promised them eternal life.

Tom [whispering to Greg backstage]




The king is dead; long live the king, kings, and queen! Long live the kings and queen!




“You are a weak monarch in a dangerous interregnum.” (Gerri)


Edited by aghst
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An email from Tom to Greg with the title "You can't make a Tomlette without breaking some Greggs."  This is from S2.9, titled DC.

This email was sent 67 times in one evening.  It was brought up during a Congressional hearing,  soon after Tom initially denied knowing who Greg even was.

Oh one of my favorite couples of all time.


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