Stress, Depression, Anxiety and other Mental Health-related things

[shapeshifter]

On 5/12/2023 at 8:12 PM, Cloud9Shopper said:

I only watch a certain amount of news per day and then turn it off after that, personally. After a while you’ve seen all the stories anyway.

So I’m kind of upset that I took that assessment I mentioned looking forward to, only to find out that my counselor was holding the results and would discuss them with me when I saw her next. Sorry but what? I’m paying enough an hour; I think the results should have been visible to me when I finished so I could at least reflect on them and start researching possibilities. Maybe that’s not a good counseling approach; I’m not the expert so hell if I know.

I ended up deciding not to file bankruptcy for now. I’m staying on my debt management plan for the time being. I told my mom (who filed herself once when I was a kid) that it was going to be five more years until I’m out of this and she said it takes that long for your credit to get better and improve after bankruptcy anyway. Fair point. 

Ultimately, sometimes it’s hard for me to feel like things will ever get better and it depresses me. I’m typing this ready to start crying again because I feel so crushed by the mess I’ve made and how things have turned out. I will be 38 next month and I have to really fight the negative thoughts that it’s too late to make something of my life or for a career change. Like maybe I should just throw up my hands and accept I will be stuck in customer service and won’t get to do anything better. It’s hard to imagine the debt will ever get better too with the way cost of living is going. I mean, it was only last year I made over $40,000 a year for the first time and then I lost my job and I’m still not recovered from the layoff and the move. I would love to get to $50K or $60K but it feels too late for that to happen. Age discrimination starts soon after all.

Sorry to rant. I’m just kind of a mess right now. 

 

As we used to say back in the day: Keep on keepin' on!
I see a tremendous amount of personal growth and valuable introspection in your posts over time, @Cloud9Shopper. 

My suggestion (based upon my similar feelings of regret) for you to take or leave:
Try to not let the regrets of your past choices get in the way of taking advantage of opportunities in the future because you feel unworthy or not capable. Opportunities tend to be rare, so be ready to grab onto one when it comes from a trustworthy source. 

[oliviabenson]

Started off my day crying because I miss my mom. Mother’s Day sucks now that I no longer have my mom. Being an orphan is awful.

Is it too early to have a drink or 2 in her memory? 

And had a really bad asthma attack first thing in the morning! and crying makes it worse…

I just want a hug.
 

 

Edited May 14, 2023 by oliviabenson

[Jaded]

I hit the wrong reaction to your post last night before going to bed @BlueSkies. Sorry if you saw the one I accidentally clicked on.

[Bastet]

5 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

Is it too early to have a drink or 2 in her memory?

Never.

My mom and I always have a nice time on Mother's Day, but we also both wish my grandma was with us.

Mother's Day and Father's Day are arbitrary made-up holidays, but I know that when the time comes that I am spending them alone, I am going to be utterly miserable.  I'll spend those days crying and drinking, too.

Get through today however is best for you.  Here's a virtual hug.

[BlueSkies]

4 hours ago, Jaded said:

I hit the wrong reaction to your post last night before going to bed @BlueSkies. Sorry if you saw the one I accidentally clicked on.

No worries lol.

 

You'd still be one of my favorite posters on this site anyway 

[Gramto6]

@oliviabenson (((((((HUGS)))))) from a mom that can't be with her kids due to distance. I too miss them and wish they were here, but not to be. So I'm sending all my mom (((((HUGS))))) to you! 

Edited May 14, 2023 by Gramto6
typo

[PRgal]

((((((HUUUUGGGGGSSSSSS))))), @oliviabenson!!!  

[JTMacc99]

On 5/13/2023 at 10:58 PM, BlueSkies said:

I’m from New Jersey yet hardly ever go the Jersey Shore.  I’ve never watched The Sopranos.  I am not a fan of Springsteen, Bon Jovi, or Whitney Houston.  I don’t care for Rutgers.  

Long story short I’ve always sort of felt like an alien.  

Tell you what, I'm born and raised in NJ, and I also don't care for the Jersey Shore, Springsteen, Whitney Houston, or Rutgers. (I am fine with Bon Jovi, but it has nothing to do with where they're from.)  So you're not alone with not embracing all things New Jersey. 

[PRgal]

3 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

Tell you what, I'm born and raised in NJ, and I also don't care for the Jersey Shore, Springsteen, Whitney Houston, or Rutgers. (I am fine with Bon Jovi, but it has nothing to do with where they're from.)  So you're not alone with not embracing all things New Jersey. 

Lots of people don't care much about pop culture from where they're from or their ancestral culture.  I'm of Chinese heritage and have never had bubble tea.  Very strange for a 43 year old.  I'm just not interested in sweet drinks.  I also don't make foods from my background the way you're supposed to.  And that's an ultimate sin to some people...especially if they're older.

[EtheltoTillie]

10 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

Tell you what, I'm born and raised in NJ, and I also don't care for the Jersey Shore, Springsteen, Whitney Houston, or Rutgers. (I am fine with Bon Jovi, but it has nothing to do with where they're from.)  So you're not alone with not embracing all things New Jersey. 

For what it's worth, I really don't get Springsteen.  NYC born and raised.  Bon Jovi is okay, and so is Whitney Houston.  Some Jersey beaches are quite nice.  Depends on the town.  But why hate on a perfectly nice state university? 

[chitowngirl]

I like Springsteen songs when other people cover them…

[Cloud9Shopper]

On 5/14/2023 at 8:14 AM, shapeshifter said:

As we used to say back in the day: Keep on keepin' on!
I see a tremendous amount of personal growth and valuable introspection in your posts over time, @Cloud9Shopper. 

My suggestion (based upon my similar feelings of regret) for you to take or leave:
Try to not let the regrets of your past choices get in the way of taking advantage of opportunities in the future because you feel unworthy or not capable. Opportunities tend to be rare, so be ready to grab onto one when it comes from a trustworthy source. 

Thank you for the nice words. :) I am really tempted to just (metaphorically speaking of course) blow up my life and start over with everything. Start fresh with finances, start over with career, all of it. Painful but people rebuild all the time. It can be done. I just wish some people in my life were more in touch and supportive. My mom thinks I should be fine financially by now because I’ve been back at work three months but I was also unemployed for nearly that long after my layoff! You’d think after she herself has lost a job and has had money problems (she even admitted she’s been a month behind on a utility for over a year) that she’d understand it’s not some instant fix, like you get a paycheck and yay everything is fine! I still have outstanding bills to catch up on and my credit hasn’t rebounded. It takes time. 

[shapeshifter]

4 minutes ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I am really tempted to just (metaphorically speaking of course) blow up my life and start over with everything.

I did "blow up my life and start[ed] over" a number of times. 
It was expensive, both financially and, maybe even more so, emotionally/psychologically. 

[Cloud9Shopper]

Are you glad you did it or do you wish you hadn’t? I guess I feel like things can’t get much worse at this point (even though they could lol). 

[BlueSkies]

21 hours ago, EtheltoTillie said:

For what it's worth, I really don't get Springsteen.  NYC born and raised.  Bon Jovi is okay, and so is Whitney Houston.  Some Jersey beaches are quite nice.  Depends on the town.  But why hate on a perfectly nice state university? 

Speaking for myself my experience at Rutgers wasn't that great.  I mean yeah to some extent I wasn't mature enough to go to a big University like that but the University itself I wasn't the biggest fan of.  Plus there's a reason it has the nickname RU Screw by students.

 

For NJ residents with no affiliation with the school this could easily rub someone the wrong way

https://www.northjersey.com/story/news/2021/09/10/how-rutgers-athletics-debt-uncovered-north-jersey/8259666002/

 

Personally I am surprised its not recognized as a bigger scandal 

 

[EtheltoTillie]

28 minutes ago, BlueSkies said:

 

Personally I am surprised its not recognized as a bigger scandal 

 

Yeah, I'd have to agree.  I don't follow sports, so I wasn't aware of this.  It should have made more of our metro news, though.

[shapeshifter]

2 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

Are you glad you did it or do you wish you hadn’t? I guess I feel like things can’t get much worse at this point (even though they could lol). 

Almost entirely wish I hadn't. 

[Cloud9Shopper]

I don’t know if I am going to stick with the counselor I’m seeing. I liked her during the free consult, and then tonight a 45-minute session turned into an hour and 10 minutes while going over the results of the assessment I took. (She’ll release the report to me by the end of tonight so I can read through on my own too.) I can generally take about 10-15 minutes of lateness but anything over that I get antsy.

And then her phone rang. She didn’t answer it at least but she was like oh I just forget to turn this off (or can’t turn it off? I don’t remember). I found it as annoying as I would when someone’s phone rings at Mass, just too distracting in the moment. And then right at the end it rang again and she was like I’m sorry I have to go. At that point yeah we were wrapped up but it made me feel like “come on now….” 

I’m generally a three strikes type of person, so if things still seem off in two weeks and we’re running over and I feel the need to bail, I’ll tell her I don’t want to meet anymore. The phone thing…people who leave their phones on noise when it’s not appropriate drive me mad. 

[RealHousewife]

2 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I don’t know if I am going to stick with the counselor I’m seeing. I liked her during the free consult, and then tonight a 45-minute session turned into an hour and 10 minutes while going over the results of the assessment I took. (She’ll release the report to me by the end of tonight so I can read through on my own too.) I can generally take about 10-15 minutes of lateness but anything over that I get antsy.

And then her phone rang. She didn’t answer it at least but she was like oh I just forget to turn this off (or can’t turn it off? I don’t remember). I found it as annoying as I would when someone’s phone rings at Mass, just too distracting in the moment. And then right at the end it rang again and she was like I’m sorry I have to go. At that point yeah we were wrapped up but it made me feel like “come on now….” 

I’m generally a three strikes type of person, so if things still seem off in two weeks and we’re running over and I feel the need to bail, I’ll tell her I don’t want to meet anymore. The phone thing…people who leave their phones on noise when it’s not appropriate drive me mad. 

I’m also a three strikes person, but I like that you’re not writing her off just yet. Maybe she had an off day. I agree not to waste too much time with a therapist who doesn’t feel right for you though. I feel I did that last year.

[Jaded]

On 5/14/2023 at 3:39 PM, BlueSkies said:

You'd still be one of my favorite posters on this site anyway 

The same applies to you.

I've wanted to try therapy again for years. I was burned so bad in my past by more than one with the first time being when I was 11 or 12 which has made has made it hard to even attempt to find one again. I'm seeing a Mental Health Nurse Practitioner right now who prescribes meds which have to be approved by the Dr. where she works. She spends extra time with me though so I'm able to talk with for awhile during my appointments. I've wondered if I had been able to find an actual therapist like her years ago if some parts of my life would have turned out differently.

Outside of the first therapist that burned me which involved a whole mess of things the others who I saw almost 10 years later all took my age at the time I saw them into consideration too much. That's what it felt like at least. Well my age and demeanor I presented with during the couple of times I'd see them before asking for someone else. They would all tell me and then my Mom that we were too co-dependent without being willing to listen to how we got here. 

Things from my past made have made it hard to do a lot of things that most people consider to be normal.  Those therapists wouldn't listen to me when I'd tell them that about my past. They'd always have trouble believing that my Mom and I didn't have any friends or family that were safe to be around anymore at the time either due to death, going no contact or the fact that we were living somewhere that wasn't our hometown that we were more familar with.

I was told by each of the therapists I saw at the local mental health center that they were going to have to declare me non-compliant due to making up excuses and being unwilling to do anything they were advising. I finally just gave up on talk therapy after feeling like I was being accused of basically lying by all of them. How could I trust someone enough to share anymore of my past with them if they didn't believe the basics of what was going on? I'm too good at masking so unless I'm comfortable enough with people my walls stay up so they can't see how I'm really feeling. I'd try to tell them that too when the non compliant stuff would start with them acting like that was just another excuse too.

All I wanted was to be listened to for awhile before any attempts were made to try to push me to do the things I still have some trouble doing without having any coping skills or advice on how to get through them.

Sorry for the novel.  Overly explaining myself is an issue too because my brain tells me if I don't include enough details I won't be believed. I've learned that a lot of people think that those that do this are actually lying most of the time soooo...🤷🏼‍♀️

Edited May 18, 2023 by Jaded

[EtheltoTillie]

8 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I don’t know if I am going to stick with the counselor I’m seeing. I liked her during the free consult, and then tonight a 45-minute session turned into an hour and 10 minutes while going over the results of the assessment I took. (She’ll release the report to me by the end of tonight so I can read through on my own too.) I can generally take about 10-15 minutes of lateness but anything over that I get antsy.

And then her phone rang. She didn’t answer it at least but she was like oh I just forget to turn this off (or can’t turn it off? I don’t remember). I found it as annoying as I would when someone’s phone rings at Mass, just too distracting in the moment. And then right at the end it rang again and she was like I’m sorry I have to go. At that point yeah we were wrapped up but it made me feel like “come on now….” 

I’m generally a three strikes type of person, so if things still seem off in two weeks and we’re running over and I feel the need to bail, I’ll tell her I don’t want to meet anymore. The phone thing…people who leave their phones on noise when it’s not appropriate drive me mad. 

Please do not take this the wrong way, but I am troubled by your response and fear you might be giving up a good chance for the help you want.

I would not call it lateness when the counselor you’re working with is giving you extra time because she couldn’t fit the results into the slotted time. It seems generous, not an attempt to waste your time.  Maybe you can reframe that in your mind.  Also your reaction to this and the phone issue might be something you would want to discuss with the counselor before bailing. Don’t waste your three strikes on the wrong thing. It would be a learning experience on how to discuss things.

[shapeshifter]

7 hours ago, Jaded said:

The same applies to you.

I've wanted to try therapy again for years. I was burned so bad in my past by more than one with the first time being when I was 11 or 12 which has made has made it hard to even attempt to find one again. I'm seeing a Mental Health Nurse Practitioner right now who prescribes meds which have to be approved by the Dr. where she works. She spends extra time with me though so I'm able to talk with for awhile during my appointments. I've wondered if I had been able to find an actual therapist like her years ago if some parts of my life would have turned out differently.

Outside of the first therapist that burned me which involved a whole mess of things the others who I saw almost 10 years later all took my age at the time I saw them into consideration too much. That's what it felt like at least. Well my age and demeanor I presented with during the couple of times I'd see them before asking for someone else. They would all tell me and then my Mom that we were too co-dependent without being willing to listen to how we got here. 

Things from my past made have made it hard to do a lot of things that most people consider to be normal.  Those therapists wouldn't listen to me when I'd tell them that about my past. They'd always have trouble believing that my Mom and I didn't have any friends or family that were safe to be around anymore at the time either due to death, going no contact or the fact that we were living somewhere that wasn't our hometown that we were more familar with.

I was told by each of the therapists I saw at the local mental health center that they were going to have to declare me non-compliant due to making up excuses and being unwilling to do anything they were advising. I finally just gave up on talk therapy after feeling like I was being accused of basically lying by all of them. How could I trust someone enough to share anymore of my past with them if they didn't believe the basics of what was going on? I'm too good at masking so unless I'm comfortable enough with people my walls stay up so they can't see how I'm really feeling. I'd try to tell them that too when the non compliant stuff would start with them acting like that was just another excuse too.

All I wanted was to be listened to for awhile before any attempts were made to try to push me to do the things I still have some trouble doing without having any coping skills or advice on how to get through them.

Sorry for the novel.  Overly explaining myself is an issue too because my brain tells me if I don't include enough details I won't be believed. I've learned that a lot of people think that those that do this are actually lying most of the time soooo...🤷🏼‍♀️

As an older person who has tried therapy a number of times over the past 50 years, I do think it has overall improved — perhaps initially because of insurance companies and their business clients requiring evidence of effectiveness over a finite number of sessions. Fortunately the limits of the number of sessions have been relaxed, and the copays reduced. And with the general acceptance of video sessions, this is really a much better time to at least try therapy than ever before.

[RealHousewife]

4 hours ago, EtheltoTillie said:

Please do not take this the wrong way, but I am troubled by your response and fear you might be giving up a good chance for the help you want.

I would not call it lateness when the counselor you’re working with is giving you extra time because she couldn’t fit the results into the slotted time. It seems generous, not an attempt to waste your time.  Maybe you can reframe that in your mind.  Also your reaction to this and the phone issue might be something you would want to discuss with the counselor before bailing. Don’t waste your three strikes on the wrong thing. It would be a learning experience on how to discuss things.

Ohh I do agree that the extra time is generous as well. 

I just really think a therapist has to be a good fit for someone. If you don’t gel, it doesn’t mean the therapist is bad. Just maybe not for you. 

[BlueSkies]

20 hours ago, Jaded said:

The same applies to you.

I've wanted to try therapy again for years. I was burned so bad in my past by more than one with the first time being when I was 11 or 12 which has made has made it hard to even attempt to find one again. I'm seeing a Mental Health Nurse Practitioner right now who prescribes meds which have to be approved by the Dr. where she works. She spends extra time with me though so I'm able to talk with for awhile during my appointments. I've wondered if I had been able to find an actual therapist like her years ago if some parts of my life would have turned out differently.

Outside of the first therapist that burned me which involved a whole mess of things the others who I saw almost 10 years later all took my age at the time I saw them into consideration too much. That's what it felt like at least. Well my age and demeanor I presented with during the couple of times I'd see them before asking for someone else. They would all tell me and then my Mom that we were too co-dependent without being willing to listen to how we got here. 

Things from my past made have made it hard to do a lot of things that most people consider to be normal.  Those therapists wouldn't listen to me when I'd tell them that about my past. They'd always have trouble believing that my Mom and I didn't have any friends or family that were safe to be around anymore at the time either due to death, going no contact or the fact that we were living somewhere that wasn't our hometown that we were more familar with.

I was told by each of the therapists I saw at the local mental health center that they were going to have to declare me non-compliant due to making up excuses and being unwilling to do anything they were advising. I finally just gave up on talk therapy after feeling like I was being accused of basically lying by all of them. How could I trust someone enough to share anymore of my past with them if they didn't believe the basics of what was going on? I'm too good at masking so unless I'm comfortable enough with people my walls stay up so they can't see how I'm really feeling. I'd try to tell them that too when the non compliant stuff would start with them acting like that was just another excuse too.

All I wanted was to be listened to for awhile before any attempts were made to try to push me to do the things I still have some trouble doing without having any coping skills or advice on how to get through them.

Sorry for the novel.  Overly explaining myself is an issue too because my brain tells me if I don't include enough details I won't be believed. I've learned that a lot of people think that those that do this are actually lying most of the time soooo...🤷🏼‍♀️

I could relate to some of that.  About 10 years ago the first time I went to a therapist I was feeling depressed and anxious and stressed out over work.  In my mind thought back then I found out what Asperger's was and I thought that applied to me.  There was always stuff like that that made me feel different than other people.  Like for example I have always had this need to flap my hands since I was a kid.

 

I meet a doctor for an evaluation and she tells me I don't have Asperger's but social phobia/anxiety.  I went to see some therapists for it.  You know I dont think they did anything to harm me.  One therapist I went to I was very comfortable with.  

 

Covid happened and I got myself in like some dark mental places.  I see a therapist this time and asks if I was ever evaluated for autism.  I do not but do research and decide to pay $1300 to get a full and comprehensive exam done for it.  So yes it turns out I rather obviously had the condition to specialists.  

 

Where I am now is feeling patronized/pathologized/frustrated over that label though.  I dont think that should define a person.  My therapist seems to bring that diagnosis to the table like quite a bit in recent sessions.

 

 

But I agree though.  I really don't care what other peoples belief systems are but when you try to impose what you think on someone else/dont listen to them/ dont try to understand where they come from/talk over them/etc...   well that shit pisses me off 

[oliviabenson]

Did the friend apps on/off for a year. It resulted in me making 0 acquaintances/friends. Like 0. I tried so hard and got nothing.

People either ghost or are not interested in doing anything or even regularly texting.

Forget about finding a mate.

This whole apps thing made me even more depressed.

Being an only child stinks. I know having siblings doesn’t guarantee that you will be bosom buddies for life… but at least you have relatives.

[Bastet]

2 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

Being an only child stinks.

I wouldn't have it any other way. 

But I certainly understand the problems that come from not having anyone who'll be with you through thick and thin the way a sibling may or may not be, and who share a lifetime of experience with you.  I'm lucky in that of my three closest friends, one has been a BF since we were five years old (so nearly 50 years).   

[Caoimhe]

9 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

I know having siblings doesn’t guarantee that you will be bosom buddies for life… but at least you have relatives.

This really resonates with me today.  I wasn’t an only child, I had two siblings, and the last one died five months ago today.  Since then I’ve been struggling badly with feeling alone (though I am lucky enough to have a husband).   My sister in law was in touch a lot around my brother’s illness and the first month or so but she’s moved on and I’m happy for her.  My husband can only listen to so much of my whinging and I have no one else to talk to.  Usually I feel bad for a day or two then have some good days; this time it’s been a week and not improving yet.

My entire life has involved moving often for my father’s work so I learned early to see everything other than my immediate family as “temporary” and never made much effort; at this point I’m set in my ways and anxiety (both social and about things like driving) make it highly unlikely I’m going to change.  If only sewing / craft groups met locally to me and during the day!!  I’m not in touch with my friend group back home beyond Christmas cards.  Therapy doesn’t interest me because I can predict I’ll be told to “put myself out there” and join things, plus my insurance is so basic it wouldn’t even be covered.  I’ve come close to posting here many times this year and never did because I’d start to feel better before I took the time to write anything out.  I used to have online forums but they’ve all closed over the years and many have moved to Facebook which I’m not as keen on.

I think it’s a problem for a lot of people, but even though I know I’m not alone in my “aloneness” I feel that way.

[RealHousewife]

13 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

Did the friend apps on/off for a year. It resulted in me making 0 acquaintances/friends. Like 0. I tried so hard and got nothing.

People either ghost or are not interested in doing anything or even regularly texting.

Forget about finding a mate.

This whole apps thing made me even more depressed.

Being an only child stinks. I know having siblings doesn’t guarantee that you will be bosom buddies for life… but at least you have relatives.

I hear you. 

I have one sibling. We're very close, but we can clash, so I often wish I had more siblings or cousins who lived nearby. It's part of why I want kids. I just want people to love. 

As far as friends go, when I was younger, my anxiety was TERRIBLE. So even though other people did want to friend me left and right, my anxiety kept me from going to parties, birthdays, hangouts, etc. People can underestimate how debilitating anxiety can be. I missed out so much of life during my childhood and my 20s. Now I'm scared to miss out on getting married and having kids. 

My anxiety has improved tremendously (even though I could stand to improve), but it is definitely harder to make friends once you're out of school. Seems like most people have the friends they made during childhood/college, and even single women often focus on meeting a mate, not a gal pal. 

One thing I believe in though is to be really open when it comes to making friends. There are people who think their friends must be just like them. If you're a good person, I don't care if you are much older, if you're younger, if you vote differently, think differently in a lot of ways, etc. Sometimes that unlikely friend will show you more kindness than anyone. 

Friendships between men and women can get complicated, but if you're both single, it's always worth a shot imo. There is no partner who will feel weird about it. If both of you just see each other as friends, wonderful. If you both hit it off and could be more than friends, great. If one person has feelings, and the other does not, worry about it at that point. 

This may sound like odd advice, but try to socialize with people who could use friends as well. Someone who grew up in the same town and lived there forever often has their family and friends they've had for many years. Someone new in town could often use a friend. The friend I became closest to as far as all the friends I made as an adult is an immigrant who doesn't have family in America. She really treasures all her friends. 

[roseha]

19 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

Did the friend apps on/off for a year. It resulted in me making 0 acquaintances/friends. Like 0. I tried so hard and got nothing.

People either ghost or are not interested in doing anything or even regularly texting.

Forget about finding a mate.

This whole apps thing made me even more depressed.

Being an only child stinks. I know having siblings doesn’t guarantee that you will be bosom buddies for life… but at least you have relatives.

You have my sympathies @oliviabenson.   Have you looked into making friends through a hobby or an activity that you would enjoy?  I find that's a good low pressure way to possibly make friends.

I don't have a lot of current friends - I have never been terribly social - but the ones I do have now I have mainly met through art/photography activities.  However I've had health issues all year and have only seen my friends a couple of times.   Fortunately I have three siblings and we all stay in touch by video visit almost every weekend (we started it during the pandemic).  I start the call over Google Meet, formally Google Duo which someone here told me about.  It's also fortunate that we all live fairly close by so can visit or support each other if need be.  I wouldn't normally routinely call one of them for no reason, they need their space but it's good to have family members you can talk to.

[PRgal]

I'm an only child, possibly neurodivergent and never really "meshed" with people.  I like the idea of being AROUND others, and I think that's good enough for me.  I HAD a BFF at one point, but sometimes, I think being a friend to someone else who is neurodivergent can be stressful.  I have to admit that I kind of ghosted her.  It was just getting stressful hanging out with her - especially after I got married.  I guess I kind of moved on.  We send each other holiday cards and that's basically it.  I hang out with other moms at my son's school, but we aren't super-close or anything like that...people tell me I need to have friends (and sometimes, I feel like I do - my bridesmaids were cousins, except for one (the other neurodivergent girl)).  I'm not sure I feel the need to.  I guess when I'm old, I'll move into a seniors community where I could just "be" with people my own age.

[Caoimhe]

1 hour ago, PRgal said:

I like the idea of being AROUND others, and I think that's good enough for me.  
…

I guess when I'm old, I'll move into a seniors community where I could just "be" with people my own age.

I feel exactly the same way!  Close friendship doesn’t seem to be something I can do and as long as I had my family I never felt the need for more than superficial ones. I’ve had friends but only one that I would have seen / spoken to most every day. She was 15 years older than me and after she moved away many years ago we lost touch over time.

I see the ads for senior living and think “that looks great” but my husband laughs and says we aren’t old enough.  He also holds the traditional Irish view that you MUST OWN your home (luckily being of a generation when that was even possible).

[Bastet]

I would have a hard time without friends (I have a hard enough time as it is), but I also have a very tight definition of friends, so the number of people I regard that way are few.  I have three very close friends, who've been my best friends for about 45, 35, and 25 years, and who I fully anticipate remaining my best friends until we croak.  Then I have a few "regular" friends, but these days we're in sporadic touch only. 

[PRgal]

48 minutes ago, Caoimhe said:

I feel exactly the same way!  Close friendship doesn’t seem to be something I can do and as long as I had my family I never felt the need for more than superficial ones. I’ve had friends but only one that I would have seen / spoken to most every day. She was 15 years older than me and after she moved away many years ago we lost touch over time.

I see the ads for senior living and think “that looks great” but my husband laughs and says we aren’t old enough.  He also holds the traditional Irish view that you MUST OWN your home (luckily being of a generation when that was even possible).

Around here, you can buy a condo in one of these communities.  I'll probably do that.  

[shapeshifter]

50 minutes ago, PRgal said:

Around here, you can buy a condo in one of these communities.  I'll probably do that.  

My daughter thought I'd be better off in a condo. I absolutely hate it and find it depressing. I have looked at realtor.com almost every day since I moved here a year and a half ago. I'm going to look at another house for sale tomorrow, but I don't think I can afford it with a lot of cash tied up in the condo. After you retire, unless you have a generous pension, you are not eligible for a mortgage unless someone cosigns for you, and now mortgage rates are high.

[PRgal]

38 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

My daughter thought I'd be better off in a condo. I absolutely hate it and find it depressing. I have looked at realtor.com almost every day since I moved here a year and a half ago. I'm going to look at another house for sale tomorrow, but I don't think I can afford it with a lot of cash tied up in the condo. After you retire, unless you have a generous pension, you are not eligible for a mortgage unless someone cosigns for you, and now mortgage rates are high.

I live a condo right now (yeah, we’re embracing the urban life, even with a child.  We figure we can always rent an Airbnb for a weekend somewhere to escape)!  I moved into one downtown in grad school when I was still living with my parents and never looked back.  I don’t want to deal with all the yard work.  Or making sure my landscape guy and the snow guy come. 

[Caoimhe]

I keep collecting books on mindfulness and living in the present moment hoping eventually one will click in my dysfunctional brain. I know constantly reliving the past and worrying about the future are not helpful. We’ve had another discussion of which country we should live in now that we have no family ties here with no conclusion other than to put it off for now - until something forces us to make a choice. Inertia is powerful yet I don’t feel secure that this will be my long term home.  Those thoughts shouldn’t even be in my head all the time but I have that mindset of “everything is temporary” that I grew up with. 

As @shapeshifter points out it isn’t easy when you’re older with your money tied up in a property.  We’d have to sell up and rent while looking for another place to buy in order to afford it, that gets even more complicated moving countries. I don’t think I’d mind a condo but there are always positives and negatives and I can see where I’d be annoyed losing some of the benefits of my own four walls. I’m always aware that both of my siblings died in their mid 50’s and I’ve already reached my mid 60’s so there is no point worrying about getting older. It may happen or it may not and, like so much else, I need to accept that I have no control.

[shapeshifter]

On 5/18/2023 at 8:00 PM, BlueSkies said:

I could relate to some of that.  About 10 years ago the first time I went to a therapist I was feeling depressed and anxious and stressed out over work.  In my mind thought back then I found out what Asperger's was and I thought that applied to me.  There was always stuff like that that made me feel different than other people.  Like for example I have always had this need to flap my hands since I was a kid.

 

I meet a doctor for an evaluation and she tells me I don't have Asperger's but social phobia/anxiety.  I went to see some therapists for it.  You know I dont think they did anything to harm me.  One therapist I went to I was very comfortable with.  

 

Covid happened and I got myself in like some dark mental places.  I see a therapist this time and asks if I was ever evaluated for autism.  I do not but do research and decide to pay $1300 to get a full and comprehensive exam done for it.  So yes it turns out I rather obviously had the condition to specialists.  

 

Where I am now is feeling patronized/pathologized/frustrated over that label though.  I dont think that should define a person.  My therapist seems to bring that diagnosis to the table like quite a bit in recent sessions.

 

 

But I agree though.  I really don't care what other peoples belief systems are but when you try to impose what you think on someone else/dont listen to them/ dont try to understand where they come from/talk over them/etc...   well that shit pisses me off 

I appreciate that the term "spectrum" has come into popular use because of what it means, that is, that there is (the way I see it) a horizontal line on which we all sit somewhere. 
It's when we are over to one side or the other of most people that our behaviors seem odd to others. 

Just now while cleaning and toddler-proofing my home for a visit from my daughter and grandbaby, I was humming to myself. That is probably not too odd. But I was humming the same song on repeat. That's what I do. 

But even as a small child I recall the little boy next door running over to me, sitting on my swing set where I was singing the same song on repeat, and he yelled at me to "Stop!" 

About 50 years ago I was learning to play a flute someone had gifted me by playing the Beatles' "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away" on repeat. My near neighbor — a somewhat more skilled musician  — was driven nuts by it. Some months later he bought an oil painting of mine.
So it wasn't like I was a total outcast. 
But I am at a place "on the spectrum" where I bother people, and they bother me. 

I'm now reminded of another scenario about 50 years ago, when I came home to my parents' house for a bit, and in my old room, on the dresser, my mom had put a decoupage plaque with Henry David Thoreau's Walden (1854) quote: "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away."

Edited May 21, 2023 by shapeshifter
mostly line spacing to make it easier for others to read, especially with ADHD

[Browncoat]

3 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

Henry David Thoreau's Walden (1854) quote: "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away."

One of my mother's favorite quotes.  We used it in her obituary.

[roseha]

I actually sing some of the same songs to myself a lot lately, mainly to motivate myself first thing in the morning, last thing at night and when I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.  It helps me keep moving.

[supposebly]

22 minutes ago, roseha said:

I actually sing some of the same songs to myself a lot lately, mainly to motivate myself first thing in the morning, last thing at night and when I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.  It helps me keep moving.

I started taking singing lessons during the pandemic on Zoom and the "homework" means I sing for 5 minutes in the morning. It makes a lot of difference in my day and lowers my anxiety considerably.

[PRgal]

I often sing old chapel favourites (at my school, Parry’s “Jerusalem” was definitely on the top of the list.  So was “Let My People Go” but it’s not MINE)  when I’m very stressed.  Not sure my husband appreciates that, but my son doesn’t care.  

[roseha]

I just saw this article in the NY Times today and it really seems to fit this conversation and some of the others we've been having lately:

How the Arts Can Benefit Your Mental Health (No Talent Required)

Drawing, music and writing can elevate your mood. Here are some easy ways to welcome them into your life.

....Other studies have found that singing reduces levels of cortisol, a hormone that the body releases when it is under stress. As one example, mothers who had recently given birth and regularly sang to their babies had less anxiety.

Ms. Magsamen noted that music can be effective at reducing stress because things like rhythm and repetitive lyrics and chords engage multiple regions of the brain.

“I sing in the shower,” Ms. Magsamen said. “I sing at the top of my lungs to the radio.”...

(I realized this might be paywalled but maybe you can look at one article?)

[Mountainair]

I took my first step today in trying to get help for myself by signing up for Better Help. Hopefully I can get something out of it. I've been on the struggle bus since early 2022.

I've been married almost 20 years and have three children. Last year my 6 year old daughter broke her arm requiring surgery and a cast. Got the cast off and she broke it again one month later requiring more surgery and another cast. And a final surgery this past December.  Meanwhile my then 12 year old son is acting out in school, failing classes, getting in school suspensions. We finally got him on ADD medication which has helped a lot. Meanwhile, my 10 year old son had High Blood Pressure which the dr could not figure out. After multiple specialist appointments, blood work, CT scans, Ultra Sounds, etc we figured out that he has a Congenital Heart Defect that was not detected until now. He had to have surgery in September of 2022 to place two stents in his heart. Fast forward to now and he has developed an aneurysm at the site the stents were placed. We have to have surgery again next month to change the type of stent which can cause all sorts of risks including cutting off blood flow to his spinal cord.  His CHD is one of the rarest types in the world and there is nothing I can even look up to see what the outcome may be. I am a wreck and have resorted to drinking to help me cope as well as a mild anti anxiety medication prescribed by my dr. I have not been intimate with my husband since this all started.

Needless to say, we met our $16,000 medical deductible last year.

Edited May 27, 2023 by Mountainair

[supposebly]

@Mountainair, I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. I'm glad you decided to get help.  My best wishes for the health of your son. And for yours.

[nokat]

@Mountainair Wow, that is a heavy load on your shoulders, and so much stress. I wish the best for your son and that things are brighter in the future.

[Cloud9Shopper]

Today is my birthday and truthfully, I don’t care about it that much anymore these days. I enjoy getting fun money as a present and going out to eat but other than that I don’t make a huge deal out of it. 

But I’ve been depressed on and off my last few and today I’m already sitting here crying. I have to be at work and deal with customers because my job has a four-month probationary period and I can’t take the day off. If a customer gets snotty and/or starts yelling I just know it’s going to ruin my day. I also feel so upset that I’m only two years from 40 and feel like I have nothing to show for it. I’m in a dead end job and can’t get back to a career. I don’t own a home. I’ve regained a bunch of weight I lost and am trying to start over on that front. I feel I’ve missed out on so much. I wish I could get myself back on track so I felt proud on my birthday rather than “look at my mess of a life.”

Since today is my birthday I don’t want advice much. Just want to vent and hope next year is better. 

[PRgal]

@Cloud9Shopper I'm a few years older than you and I feel the same way at times.  I think I'm on the spectrum, but haven't had the guts to be tested to confirm.  This is likely why I haven't REALLY become successful like my same-generation cousins.  And I feel trapped and unseen as well.  It's tough to be a child of immigrants AND have trouble fully relating to all the resources I've found online (too many talk about kids whose parents worked two jobs to make ends meet and/or parents who speak next to no English.  I'm made to feel like I should be grateful that my parents are neither).  I want to be successful in the way that they would be proud of me, that they could go around telling their friends that PRgal is doing such and such!  Maybe the upcoming publication of my first children's book will do that.  Or maybe not.  But I, too, feel like I'm a bit of a failure, despite being in a happy marriage and having a child with relatively few issues.  I can also go on about how I'm criticized about my exercise regime and the clash I have with my dad regarding causes to support when it comes to family philanthropy (I'm big on mental health and improving education access for kids from marginalized communities).  In any case, I'm just trying to let you know that you're not alone.  

Oh, and happy birthday (if you're okay with us wishing you that). :) 

Edited June 16, 2023 by PRgal

[Cloud9Shopper]

@PRgal I want my parents to feel the same about me! I’ve always been envious of my older sister. She was at the top of the class in her college major. She successfully auditioned for and made many choral festivals when she was in high school. (I auditioned for same but did not make it and I was so disappointed because I wanted to be like her.) Even as an adult she is very accomplished….even is a Jeopardy champion. (Not tournament of champions famous; she won less than five games but it’s still an accomplishment.) I want to feel like I’m an equal to my peers who are in respected careers rather than feeling like I’m on another planet. 

I am fine with the happy birthday wishes, so thank you! :) I am going to give myself the gift of not job searching this weekend (I’m so down from how hard it seems to be anymore to find a good job and I can’t deal with it right now) and am taking some of the money from my grandparents to pay for some birthday takeout tonight. (I’m going out with family tomorrow but my mom also has work tonight so no big deal to wait a day.) 

[PRgal]

21 minutes ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

@PRgal I want my parents to feel the same about me! I’ve always been envious of my older sister. She was at the top of the class in her college major. She successfully auditioned for and made many choral festivals when she was in high school. (I auditioned for same but did not make it and I was so disappointed because I wanted to be like her.) Even as an adult she is very accomplished….even is a Jeopardy champion. (Not tournament of champions famous; she won less than five games but it’s still an accomplishment.) I want to feel like I’m an equal to my peers who are in respected careers rather than feeling like I’m on another planet. 

I am fine with the happy birthday wishes, so thank you! :) I am going to give myself the gift of not job searching this weekend (I’m so down from how hard it seems to be anymore to find a good job and I can’t deal with it right now) and am taking some of the money from my grandparents to pay for some birthday takeout tonight. (I’m going out with family tomorrow but my mom also has work tonight so no big deal to wait a day.) 

Gifting yourself with something is wonderful!  Even if it's tiny.  Get ice cream if you want.  Go for that sundae.  

[Gramto6]

@Cloud9Shopper sneaking in with a Happy Birthday to you!! 🎂  It is nice you are doing something for yourself to celebrate. Yeah, like @PRgal  said, "Go for that sundae!! 

Edited June 17, 2023 by Gramto6
added on to post