Explain it to Me Like I'm Lily: Recaps for the Disenchanted

[PatsyandEddie]

IA with movinon. Peach, you need to get your family and YOURSELF back on track. We will survive, movinon has Grey Goose!

[ByTor]

Yeah, the recaps are awesome, but your health comes first!  There's nothing like lack of sleep to lower your resistance..take care!

[movinon]

IA with movinon. Peach, you need to get your family and YOURSELF back on track. We will survive, movinon has Grey Goose!

AND an adorable great grand-baby - the trick, as usual, is to keep them totally separate.  B R E A T H E - peach!

[Slowpokey]

Get some rest dear Peach.  Come back when you feel up to it. You need to be completely healthy to take on this type of daily abuse! lol .We will survive.

[ByTor]

 Or maybe Michael just has PTSD from Lauren laughing at his cancer.

That scene with Lauren cackling like a loon was, IMO, one of the most offensive things this show has managed to produce.

[NinjaPenguins]

Rest up, peach! Just stay away from beds in sheds tended to by a crazy wig stand.

[Petunia13]

That scene with Lauren cackling like a loon was, IMO, one of the most offensive things this show has managed to produce.

Then the "Cancer Cancer Cancer!!!! " song when they sang shrieked it laughing like hyenas on Christmas. That was tasteful and not at all deranged.

[peach]

Mon, 4/27/15   Part One:  Nick Makes A Mistake

 

My DVR informs me that “Nick makes a mistake” today, so I’m on pins and needles.  I mean, my gosh, a WHOLE mistake?!  What is the world coming to?  I'm sure it's Sharon's fault like all of Nick's mistakes.

 

Neil runs into Gwen at Jabot, and it takes her a minute to realize he never knew what she looked like.   He chides her for doing a great job pretending to date his son while he was cheating with his wife.  Gwen’s mouth drops open.  She is STUNNED.   Now it all makes sense.

 

Doppel Jack is on the phone in the lab, buying himself a Ferrari, red, of course, in honor of his sexy wife.  But wet blanket Victor comes in and puts a stop to it. JackAbbott isn’t that flashy! Doppel Jack says cheating death in Nick’s substandard club changes a man.  “Not that much!” insists Victor.  I think Doppel Jack is teaching Victor how much he actually likes the real JackAbbott.   Neil pops in to meet with them.  “I see it, but I don’t believe it!”

 

Nikki visits Phyllis because all this Newman-Abbott partnership stuff stinks to high heaven.  Nikki seems a lot more worried about the Abbott family being thrown into turmoil than Phyllis does and ought to be.  Phyllis is awkwardly noncommittal about what Jack’s up to.  “Look, Phyllis, this is not my first rodeo.  Hell, yes, I think they’re lying to us.”  This merger is likely a prelude to just more backstabbing, and where will their families be then?  Phyllis agrees to some lame plan to test their men. 

 

At Crimson Lights, Noah tells Nick that Courtney’s mystery parents who didn’t come to her wedding don’t want him at the funeral because of Mom.  Nick’s super sorry that Noah’s being punished for Sharon’s crime.  Well, Noah can’t believe Sharon actually murdered two people.  Nick says nobody wants to believe it, except for him, because that makes him better than her.  “And the evidence…”  The evidence what, Nick?  The evidence SUCKS? 

 

Faith brings treats to the table, and Nick hesitantly tells her there’s something they need to talk about. Before he can tell her, a reporter barges in and asks if cares to comment on his ex-wife’s upcoming murder trial.  “Is he talking about MOMMY?” gasps Faith.  Of course.

 

Michael wakes up in Sharon’s dragonfly chair and claims he was just lightheaded from dehydration and hamfisted overacting.  He reluctantly agrees to go to the hospital, as long as Sharon and Avery don’t tell Lauren.  Our blonde Valkyrie warriors pause in their mortal catfight to share a moment of female bonding.  Bitch, please.  They are telling Lauren in a New York minute.

 

Dylan tells Joe he wouldn’t wish getting paralyzed on anyone.  He wants Joe to recover, so he can’t win the pity contest.  But Avery feels guilty for some reason, as if pushing him off the balcony makes her responsible for pushing him off the balcony.  Joe keeps telling her it wasn’t her fault.  “Good, because I don’t want you taking advantage of her kindness.”  Dylan says Avery will never stay with him out of guilt or obligation.  It’ll probably be for his cheekbones and piercing blue eyes.

 

Noah tries to distract Faith with more cookies, and with the rate of distraction this family requires, Faith is going to end up with diabetes.  But cookies are not as interesting as watching Nick go on the terrace to argue with a reporter anyway.  He taunts Nick about Sharon, and when he asks if Nick worries about his daughter inheriting super villain bipolar disease, Nick hauls off and PUNCHES HIM.  I’m guessing that was a mistake.  Yep, slimy reporter guy gets up off the floor and says that he is reporting this!  Nick asks Noah to take Faith home so he can deal with this. 

 

Faith insists that she wants to see MOMMY, Noah!  She needs to talk to Mommy, PLEASE!

 

Avery finds Dylan at the hospital after bringing in Michael.  Yep, she totally called Lauren.  Avery and Dylan boringly understand each other supporting exactly the wrong people in the world, and Dylan promises he can deal with her going to Chicago in the morning.  They will make tonight be super special.

 

Hilary’s still begging stubborn Devon.  She asks if he remembers the fashion show last year…and how something changed in the air when they were together…  Hmm, I remember Neil hypnokissing her at the fashion show, and they got married two weeks later.  I guess she’s referring to the electrifying moment when Devon caught her changing clothes.  That was love percolating, you guys. 

 

Devon doesn’t respond, so Hilary sadly heads for the door, but WAIT!  Devon remembers that one time she dropped a weight on his foot…and he totally fell for her.  Omg, this is a romance for the ages.  Then Hilary remembers that one time they kissed right before she married HIS FATHER.  They sure didn’t want to hurt anybody.  “Do you remember how we used to talk about…how it could be…if we were together?” asks Hilary.  I don’t know, that was the only conversation you had for an entire boring year.  “Having a family, and a home together?” says Devon.  Well, Hilary still wants that, but maybe Devon doesn’t.

 

Well, Devon wants to kiss her some more at least.  They make out a bit, but then demure Hilary pulls back.  They can’t go too fast this time.  This is too important.  I’m not sure what the appropriate time table is for getting back with your dad’s wife, but it’s at least not going to be this afternoon.

 

Victor makes his pitch to Neil about joining the newly merged company.  He’s already been COO and CEO and ABC and PDQ, so this time they want to make him CFO.  He has the rare executive quality of not being related to any Newmans or Abbotts, so he comes without a bias.  Neil’s slightly perplexed about the whole deal, and he presses to know how JACK feels about all this.  Doppel Jack is cool with it, because Victor’s right about everything now. 

 

Neil jokes that he knows Jack’s worried about coming in to smooth jazz and employees in jeans and all of that.  Doppel Jack is like….wtf are you talking about?  Neil frowns.  “Uh, cuz I instituted casual work environment?  Why are you acting like you don’t remember this?”  Ummm, not because I’m a doppelganger, that’s for sure.  Working for Neil doesn’t sound so bad.

 

“Of course Jack remembers,” chuckles Victor.  “How could he forget?”  Vack chuckle and chuckle while Doppel Jack continues not to know what Neil’s talking about, concerning Devon, etc.  “Jack, my man…are you sure you’re alright?” asks Neil.  Luckily, Doppel Jack is saved by a call from Phyllis.  She insists on having Victor and Nikki over for dinner tonight, as a show of good will.  Okay, fine.  Nikki gives Phyllis the thumbs up in the background.  These two planning a caper is pretty amusing.

 

Neil gets his buddy Doppel Jack alone, and really wants to know what’s going on.  Call him crazy, but a LOT has happened between Jack and Victor.  Is he REALLY okay with this?  Doppel Jack says priorities change, and seeing the smile on his wife’s face in the morning confirms it.  That’s kind of an insensitive thing to say to NEIL atm, but he holds out his hand.  Say hello to your new CFO, you guys.

 

Gwen comes sweeping down the hall.  She’s glad to see Neil again, because there are some things he should know, namely that she had NO IDEA that Devon and Hilary were disgusting cheats who were just using her to cover it up.

 

Victor worries about having dinner with their wives.  Doppel Jack insists he can handle it.  Victor chose him for a reason, because he’s super great at reading people and fooling them, unless it’s Neil.  “You are a CONVICT,” reminds Victor.  Again with throwing him back Peruvian prison if he doesn’t behave.

 

Of course, Noah brings Faith straight over to Sharon’s and explains what happened at Crimson Lights.  Sharon’s glad he brought her, because it’s about time someone that doesn’t hate her told Faith what was going on.  “Did you do something bad?” worries Faith.  “There are some people who THINK that I did something VERY bad.”  And those people are stupid.

 

Lauren gets to the hospital so Michael can continue being a whiny brat about LAUREN getting all worked up about nothing.  Cancer might not be what kills you, Michael.  She yells at him for overworking while hiding out at Sharon’s.  Okay, fine, he’s hiding out…because he’s SUFFOCATING.  He goes on his usual enunciating, projecting rant about how she sees him as some broken thing, as opposed to an hysterical toddler.  He’s sick of her being [normal and kind] all over him, and he needs some space.  “What kind of space are we talking about?” she asks in disbelief.  He wants a separation.  Waah.

 

Nikki and Phyllis foolishly confer about how they’re going to figure out if this is really just about backstabbing by using clever dinner conversation.  Vack arrive and announce that Neil’s going to be CFO.  That’s GREAT!  Nikki’s so happy Neil didn’t have to suffer any consequences for ruining Christine’s life.  Things are really coming up roses for Neil. 

 

The gals try to trip up Victor by mentioning potential tough company decisions…like, say, firing Victoria?  WHAAAAT?  Victor can't even wrap his head around that.  Well, Jack had to fire a family member.  Yeah, but it was just stupid Billy. “Not that he’s anywhere near the caliber of Victoria,” adds Nikki.  Well, OF COURSE NOT.  That’s just crazy talk.

[peacheslatour]

 

Dylan says Avery will never stay with him out of guilt or obligation.  It’ll probably be for his cheekbones and piercing blue eyes.

Remember when SB was first on the show and everybody kept yammering about his blue eyes?  These are blue eyes, Dullyn.

 

He’s already been COO and CEO and ABC and PDQ, so this time they want to make him CFO.

OMGWTFBBQ!

[peach]

Mon, 4/27/15  Part Two:  Orchids In Japan

 

Gwen and Neil walk in the club, and he’s sorry his son used her the way he did.  In the interest of full disclosure, Gwen says she DID know she was a beard for Devon, but she thought he was gay at first!  It was all Hilary’s idea of course.  That doesn’t surprise Neil, since Hilary is an evil vixen who totally took advantage of poor, helpless Devon and hurt him ever so much.  “Is that forgiveness I hear?” asks Gwen.  Just then Devon and Hilary appear, walking down the stairs.  NOPE!

 

Joe assures Savery that if he had family or ANYONE else he wouldn’t have her go with him to rehab.  She’ll just sort through all the info and help him make decisions.  Blah blah, he doesn’t want to hear anything about obligation, blah.  She’ll see him in the morning.  Avery rushes out to meet up with Dylan, but he sadly tells her there’s been a change of plans.

 

Sharon assures Faith she did not do anything wrong, but someone made it LOOK LIKE she did…the person who really did hurt Courtney and Austin.  Faith doesn’t understand why people don’t believe truthful Mommy!  Sharon admits she did a lot of wild stuff when she was sick, but not this.  “I know, Mommy, you were friends with Austin and Courtney.”  EXACTLY.  Faith asks if Noah believes Mommy.  Yep, he does.  “So do I,” says Faith solemnly.  They hug.  “It means everything to me that you believe me,” whispers Sharon to Noah.  Nick is standing in the doorway, WITHOUT CALLING AGAIN, listening in.

 

He comes right on in, and Noah says he’ll take Faith home.  Faith firmly announces that they have to tell everyone Mommy didn’t do the bad thing, and make them believe it, too.  So that’s that.  Faith and Noah leave so Nick can complain about hard it is on him that Sharon’s getting framed for murder.  Poor Nick.  Sharon remembers Dylan’s advice.  Ya gotta stay mad, Sharon.  “I know they kids are going through hell, but dammit, so am I!  I’m the one being set up for a double murder in a town full of people who are happy to let me fry from something I didn’t do!  Sorry to tarnish the sacred Newman name.  I’ve spent my whole life protecting it.”  Ugh, now we have to hear about the stupid Sandy Allen drunk diving incident.  “If I’m to blame for what our children are going through right now, then so the hell are you!” snaps Feisty Sharon.  Nick pouts.

 

Hey, remember how Dylan just HAD TO HAVE Crimson Lights stay in the crappy warehouse district?  Well, now the pipes have burst, in SUMMER, and now Dylan and Avery’s super special night entails mopping up the mess. They admit their relationship has gotten kind of awkward lately.  Dylan can’t even remember words around her anymore.

 

Lauren can’t believe Michael wants a separation, after EVERYTHING they have been through.  And now he wants to GIVE UP!  Well, NO, she’s not gonna let him.  Horrible Michael claims he’s in the hospital because he’s been working so hard keeping THIS together.  He’s so nasty to her, blaming her for everything, that I’m not even going to write it down, and I suppose this is his version of throwing rocks at The Yearling to make it go back into the wild.  Whatever, Michael, you’re an ass.  Lauren’s crushed, and she certainly doesn’t want to exhaust dickhead Michael anymore, so good night.  “Goodbye,” says Michael pointedly, and it’s a knife in Lauren’s heart.

 

Phyllis and Nikki try to cajole more information out of Vack.  “You must have had many open and honest conversations about what went wrong before,” coos Phyllis.  “You bet,” says Victor.  Phyllis tries to make Jack crack by bringing up Patti Williams.  No luck, Victor’s promised never to do anything like that again.  “And you believe him?” asks Nikki, chuckling.  Chuckle, chuckle.  He and Victor have one-upped each other so many times it doesn’t even matter anymore.  “Jack, you are so right,” smiles Victor.  Onward and upward, you guys!

 

Time for dinner!  And in honor of new beginnings, Phyllis put orchids on the table, and will let Jack explain the significance!  “The…the..significance?”  Japan, whispers Phyllis.  I’m as much in the dark as poor Doppel Jack.  He flaps.  “Don’t act like you don’t remember,” says Phyllis.  Okay, Doppel Jack has something to tell you right now, Phyllis.

 

Avery and Dylan mop and kiss.  She gets a call from the hospital.  Well, doggone it, they have to transport Joe to the rehab clinic in Chicago RIGHT NOW in the middle of the night.  Sounds legit.  So, of course, Avery has to leave with him ASAP.

 

Victor is really worried about dinner getting cold.  But Jack has to tell Phyllis about the secret agenda that explains why he merged Jabot with Newman.  The thing is, when they were forced to share that hospital room together, it was like a damn spiritual retreat in there, and they shared all their regrets and dreams.  And that changed him.  He and Victor no longer want their chief motivation to be destruction.  “What motivates us now, what is our chief drive…is actually love.”  Well, I hope you two are very happy together. I hear Wisconsin is very tolerant of that sort of thing.  I guess this “love” includes destroying your own brother and sister. This also tells me exactly nothing about orchids in Japan, I might add.

 

Hilary hightails it back upstairs, but Devon comes on down and wants to talk to Neil.  Gwen has to run, and smiles brightly at Neil, but gives Devon a disgusted side eye.  Devon knows Neil just saw him with Hilary, but it’s not what he thinks.  Hilary wouldn’t even let him get to second base.  “It hasn’t been what I thought in a long time.  I thought my wife loved me, and my son was loyal to me.”  Devon’s just glad he doesn’t see pure hatred in Neil’s eyes anymore, and he doesn’t want to take a step back.  “Then don’t,” says Neil. 

 

Well, what was he doing with Gwen?  How about none of your damn business?  But Neil says he just got hired as CFO for Newman-Abbott, and Gwen works in accounting.  “And I will be working very closely with her… and with Hilary.”  Devon frowns.  Does Hilary still work there?  When was the last time she even SAW one of the Jacks?

 

Nick cannot BELIEVE Sharon is blaming HIM for anything.  Well, he was responsible for paralyzing a girl, and SHARON has done NOTHING wrong!  Well, Nick’s done way worse shit than the Sandy Allen incident, but sure.  Argue blather blah!  “You may have convinced the kids you’re an innocent in all this, but I KNOW better, I KNOW what you’re capable of!” bitches Nick.  Super Dylan walks in.  “HEY!  You can’t talk to her that way!” he says.  YEAH!  Captain Caveman glowers at Super Dylan.

 

Devon’s super glad things are going better for Neil.  Neil’s sorry he jumped to conclusions about Hilary.  Yeaaaah.

 

Nick asks why Super Dylan is so invested in Sharon?  “Look, I just can’t stand the fact that Sharon’s being judged by mistakes she made when she was sick.  I’ve been there.”  Well, there’s no real answer for that.  “FINE.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” says Nick, walking out.  Buh bye.  Sharon weeps and tells Dylan she’s scared…scared that nothing’s ever going to be okay again.  He holds her.

 

Jack tells Phyllis their mutual hatred for Victor was something that really bonded them, so she’s going to have to be okay with his new love and adoration for him now.  Sure, why not.  Victor’s practically holding back laughter, and asks Nikki how she feels about all this.  Nikki seems to think this is amusingly ridiculous herself, but hey, it’s not her company getting taken over.   It sounds like a wonderful start, sure, what the hell.

 

The ladies go in the dining room, and Victor shakes Doppel Jack’s hand.  Good job, Minion.  He’s done well enough to earn that new Ferrari!

[MollyB]

Well done, Peach!  welcome back!

[ByTor]

I can't believe they keep going the "What do you mean you don't remember [fill in the blank], Jack???" route to create drama.  All he has to do is the dramatic "I have something to tell you" thing, and have it be "I lost parts of my memory from my head injury". Easy peasy.

Edited May 5, 2015 by ByTor

[smartyshorts]

Peach, I think your super powers might trump even The Amazing Space Bending Murderess, Sharon. 

[movinon]

I can't believe they keep going the "What do you mean you don't remember [fill in the blank], Jack???" route to create drama.  All he has to do is the dramatic "I have something to tell you" thing, and have it be "I lost parts of my memory from my head injury". Easy peasy.

Fake Jack can really use this "I don't remember" crap now that the Gnome has crashed his new Ferrari.  Wonder if he'll remember "This is Jack Abbott - who is this?" long enough to tell the great one?  Great that you are already back, peach - you must mend quicker than I do.  

[glowlights]

Orchids and Japan???? (are we supposed to know the significance, or is it another MYSTERY?)

 

Hope this week is going better for you, peach.

[MollyB]

 

 

glowlights quote

Orchids and Japan???? (are we supposed to know the significance, or is it another MYSTERY

Thanks!  I haven't been watching, but I follow the Preverts and recaps.  Couldn't place orchids and Japan although it seems so many people have planned weddings and then changed them that I thought maybe it slipped by me.  What is the ratio of planned weddings/elopements to actual weddings/elopements? 

If this is some trick question/test that Nikki and Red dreamed up-do they suspect Fack is not Jack?  And this is the best they could do to 'prove' it?  Then what?

Edited May 6, 2015 by MollyB

[movinon]

I can't remember anything about orchids and Japan, either - think they just made that up.  But then, maybe I was playing with the Grey Goose when it happened, and I FF a lot.  Maybe it was something from when they were married before - I don't think they've been to Japan in the last 5 or 6 years, for sure.  HOWEVER........

[pearlite]

I can't remember anything about orchids and Japan, either - think they just made that up.  But then, maybe I was playing with the Grey Goose when it happened, and I FF a lot.  Maybe it was something from when they were married before - I don't think they've been to Japan in the last 5 or 6 years, for sure.  HOWEVER........

Orchids and Japan--now don't trust me too much on this--I think, had something to do with Newman and Japanese retailers who were their customers--a few years ago. One Abbott and one Newman [Victoria, I think] were in Japan and some kind of business deal went bad... Oh, never ask me plot questions--I suck at them.

[Margamo]

I can't remember anything about orchids and Japan, either - think they just made that up.  But then, maybe I was playing with the Grey Goose when it happened, and I FF a lot.  Maybe it was something from when they were married before - I don't think they've been to Japan in the last 5 or 6 years, for sure.  HOWEVER........

I think this was from when they were married before.....there was a search for some rare exotic orchid in Japan; Neil and Dru married there for that reason. Lily made Dru's bouquet and in it there was , gasp,the orchid! Anyway, Phyllis caught the bouquet (she was working for Jack's competition), another was found. Long story short Diane ended up with both she gave Phyllis 1 and told her to give it to Jack and work on their marriage. Peace offering??

[peach]

Sounds like a really terrible reminder to have on the dinner table.  lol  But THANK YOU for the historical references because I had no idea.

[movinon]

I think this was from when they were married before.....there was a search for some rare exotic orchid in Japan; Neil and Dru married there for that reason. Lily made Dru's bouquet and in it there was , gasp,the orchid! Anyway, Phyllis caught the bouquet (she was working for Jack's competition), another was found. Long story short Diane ended up with both she gave Phyllis 1 and told her to give it to Jack and work on their marriage. Peace offering??

There is something tickling my memory about this, but I can't quite remember- that was not yesterday, but I should remember this.  Thanks for trying to help - I'm afraid I'm beyond hope..

[Petunia13]

Yes they were on the business trip in Japan and so were Neil and Dru and their family. Phyl was dating Damon who told her about this rare orchid (it had some mystical property like extra prevents wrinkles. I don't remember but it had an essence that could be used to make a great cosmetic). Phyl getting the orchid and the search for it brought about their Phack reconciliation. This was quite some time ago.

[peach]

Tue  4/28/15  Part One:  The Cool Kids, Baby

 

Chelsea has straight hair and is wearing some knock off of a Katie Holmes designed blouse, white with scattered black stars.  She’s antsy about waiting for a call from Gabriel, but meanwhile she worries with Billy about what’s going on with this crazy merger and how it’s going to work. She leaves for her meeting, and unemployed Billy tries to discern how to pick up Connor’s toys and put them in a basket.  Sexy Gabe rings the bell, and he’s there to see Billy.

 

Nick pouts at Crimson Lights because he’s being sued for punching that reporter.  “I guess I don’t have to ask who provoked this altercation,” says wise Sage, who already understands Nick’s world, so, so well.  “Sharon,” agrees Nick.  Duh.  She totally made him assault someone and get sued, without even being there.  She’s just that good.

 

Sharon serves Dylan coffee at the cottage, and says Michael’s going to be okay.  Even in his crabby, cancerous condition, he managed to convince a judge to let Super Dylan be her guardian for now.  She doesn’t blame Nick for that tongue lashing he gave her because A) she’s an idiot about Nick, and B) he’s just worried about [himself] Noah and Faith.  Dylan’s cool with staying at Sharon’s since Avery’s busy tucking Joe in every night.  He can’t blame her because A) he’s an idiot about Avery, and B) Avery just [has the hots for] feels guilty about Joe.  Sharon finally sees the pattern.  “You can’t blame Avery, I can’t blame Nick.  Why can’t WE stop defending the people who break our hearts?”  Yeah.

 

Ashley is looking very Chanel in pale pink and black today, except for all the zippers, and gets to the lab to find Victoria’s name on her fancy glass door.  She catches Victor and Victoria already rebranding Hex for a younger market.  Ashley did her own extensive research, thank you very much, and they found they should target a high income, professional demographic of rapists.  Victor thinks it needs more study because surely the millennials would love to rape some people with Hex, too. 

 

Hmm, well, Ashley thought this was supposed to be a joint venture, and her opinion should still count.  Victor tells her she’s been outvoted by him and his spawn, which I guess will be an ongoing situation.  Ashley is now China on the UN Security Council.  Or maybe America, depending on how you look at it.  Not so fast, Victor, wait for JACK to get here to tally those votes!  “I hate to say this, but Jack’s not going to be here,” says Victor.  Yeah, he really hates it.

 

Doppel Jack and Phyllis have been out tearing it up in the new Ferrari!  Phyllis can’t believe he didn’t get a ticket!  “We are the cool kids, baby,” says Doppel Jack.  He announces he ain’t going to work.  Phyllis’ excitement wanes a bit, although it doesn’t look like she’s going to work, either.  Why is he stepping back and letting Victor run everything?  Doppel Jack grins.

 

Nick explains to Sage how Sharon and the reporter made him punch the guy.  Sage understands, he’s been under a lot of pressure lately, hanging around having sex on couches all day.  She tells him what a super great dad he is.  “Have you ever thought of a career as a motivational speaker?” moons Nick.  That would be AWESOME.  She could give seminars on How To Get Poor Quick.  But nope, she’s going to take on managing his club.

 

Nick gets coffee, and Chelsea shows up and wonders if Sage has seen Gabriel?  He’s not answering his messages, and she can’t get in touch with him.  “Is there a reason that you need to?” asks nosy Sage.  Um, she’s just wondering if he’s okay and how hot he is today.  “Did something happen that makes you think he’s not okay?”  It’s rude to answer a question with a question, Sage.  Chelsea fidgets guiltily instead of slapping Sage upside the head.  I really don’t like Sage today.

 

Gabe/Adam tells Billy he just needed to get away for a few days and pout, but he came back as soon as he heard about the Jabot-Newman merger.  Adam can’t believe Jack would let himself be videotaped breaking into the servers.  Billy insists that blackmail isn’t the reason for the partnership.  It’s about love and ending the feud.  “End the feud?” snorts Adam.  That’s just crazy talk.  Billy sneers that according to Jack they’ve already buried the hatchet.  Adam’s like wth, are we all working for Victor now??  Not Billy.  He’s FIRED. 

 

“Wow…you miss a day, you miss a lot,” says Adam.  “I guess it makes sense, though.  I mean he hates your guts, our new boss.”  Yeaaaah, but it was the old boss who fired him.  Adam’s like whaaaa--.  Yep, because Billy objected to him making a deal with the devil.  “And he chose Victor over you?” he asks in a wtf voice.  Billy never thought he would in a million years.  His need to make their dad proud always outweighed everything. 

 

Adam frowns thoughtfully.  “And now he’s loyal to Victor?”  Billy says if Jack thinks The Moustache is going to return that loyalty, he’s going to be very disappointed.  He only plays well with those whose last name is Newman.  “Even then there’s no guarantee,” notes Adam.  Billy says it doesn’t leave a lot of room in the sandbox for Abbotts, and certainly not any Binghams.  We’ll see about that.

 

Victoria informs Ashley that they’re planning a major marketing campaign involving Hex, Chelsea’s line, and a major retailer.  She wants some research on that, so step’n’fetch it for her, Ashley.   Victor tries to flatter Ashley into doing it.  Fine.  “But don’t you DARE treat me like your assistant,” snaps Ashley to Victoria, and leaves. 

 

Vicky pretends she isn’t twisting the knife on purpose and loving every second of it.  Victor thinks she and Ash can get over their differences the same as he and Jack did.  I guess if you toss the real Ashley on a deserted island, they could.  Vicky admits she’s also surprised Jack didn’t show up for work today.  Marrying Phyllis really changed him.  “He certainly was a different person when he came back from his honeymoon,” says Victor.  Ha.

 

Phyllis realizes that Jack cheating death made him want to chill, but an all out surrender?  That just isn’t him!  Doppel Jack says it’s NOT a surrender, it’s just taking some time off to par-tay.  He’s gotta give Victor some space alone inside his corporation for this to work. “Aren’t you afraid the rats are going to take over while the cat is out speeding around in his Ferrari?” chides Phyllis.  Doppel Jack TRUSTS Victor.  “You can’t really be saying you prefer the old, boring Jack, whose only focus was a cosmetics company, can you?”  Come sit on his lap and talk about sex.  The honeymoon is NEVER over.  Phyllis is like…great.

 

Dylan rationalizes Avery taking care of stupid Joe.  Etc.  Dylan admits they have nothing tangible holding them together, as in kids or irrational obsession.  Sharon smiles and says having a child with someone does create a bond.  A bond they can beat you over the head with.  “And losing one can break it,” says Dylan.  He tells Sharon about Avery getting pregnant, having a miscarriage and running back to Joe for a while.  He’s sorry he never got to be a dad.

 

Adam challenges Billy over letting Victor waltz in and take over his family business.  “Jack is the alpha male in our pack, so it’s really his call.”  Billy is the lazy one who loves copouts.  Adam just never took Billy for a quitter, that’s all.  “From what I’ve heard, you always stay in the game.”  Billy says that involves playing your cards right.  “Is that what you’re doing, are you bluffing?  Please tell me you’re bluffing,” says Adam.  Honestly, I’m pretty sure Billy hasn’t thought about it one way or the other, but looks like, maybe…yeah, maybe he’s bluffing.  Adam says sooner or later he has to put his cards on the table. 

 

Billy doesn’t really want to get dragged into how irresponsible he’s being about Jabot, so he wants to put their cards on the table about CHELSEA.  “For starters, I don’t appreciate you telling her she’ll regret marrying me!  What the hell is that?!”  Adam casually says he thinks she probably WILL regret it, and she also needs more time to [do] get over Adam.  Oh, reallllly?  Well, he and Chelsea don’t give a damn what he thinks!  They’re GETTING married, living in this apartment with Connor, and starting a family!  “Well, that’s ridiculous,” smirks Adam, considering he’ll be carrying her over ADAM’S threshold, in the house ADAM bought for her, with ADAM’S family.  ADAMADAMADAM!  “Adam is right here in this damn apartment,” says Adam, but then he leaves.  Billy frowns and rubs his fists.  #Adam

 

Chelsea tells Sage she and Gabe had a misunderstanding.  “It must be a pretty big misunderstanding, if you’re this worried?” says Sage.  Omg.  Just tell her where he is or shut up.  Sage says she hasn’t seen him since she threw divorce papers at him, so he probably won’t take her calls.  But, hey, "Gabe’s a resourceful guy and really knows how to bounce back from nasty situations,” she sneers.  Chelsea wanders off despondently.

 

Nick comes back and asks what Chelsea wanted.  “I don’t know,” lies super honorable Sage.  Well, Nick has to go pick up Faith at her therapist’s office.  Sage can’t help Chelsea, but she’d lurve to help Nick.  I mean, who wouldn’t?  He explains how Faith wanted to know if he thought Sharon was innocent, and gosh, he WANTS TO, but instead he had to tell her the police have a lot of evidence on her super villain Mommy.  “And she freaked out, and she’s very concerned her mother is going to prison, and she’ll never see her again.”  Poor Nick, having Faith freak out on him like that.  Sage rubs poor Nick’s arm.

 

Poor Nick gets a call.  Uh-oh.  He’s angry.  “WHAT?  What do you MEAN Faith is with the police?!”  Dammit, Sharon, why did you make Nick make Faith freak out?

 

Dylan blathers some more about Avery’s miscarriage.  She thought she was being punished for the affair, and losing the baby was the universe’s way of making them pay.  Even SHARON thinks that’s irrational.  Dylan says they just couldn’t get past the loss and the guilt, so Avery went back to Joe, and he signed up for another tour of duty.  How many times are they going to make up that she went back to Joe? 

 

Sharon says he would be an amazing dad.   I can’t argue with that.  He loves kids, but every time he gets close to one, like in Afghanistan or with a lying con artist, they slip away.  Wow, Sharon is super easy for Dylan to talk to, probably because she’s not a judgmental bitch.  He even told her about Ara before he told Avery.  Sharon’s glad he’s in Faith’s life, especially if she ends up in prison.

[peach]

Tue, 4/28/15  Part Two:  Anger Issues

 

Nick comes blazing into Memorial with Sage, looking for Faith and demanding to know what’s going on.  Her therapist asks him about the attack he made on a man yesterday.  Ohhh, that wasn’t a man, it was a reporter blathering about the murder charges against Faith’s mother. “He made a smartass comment about Faith being bipolar, and yeah, I lost it a little bit,” he snaps.  Dr. Allison says Faith was very frightened by his anger.  “Well, that’s the reporter’s fault, not mine.”  DUH, goddammit!

 

The therapist explains that Faith is afraid of him becoming angry like that again, possibly with her.  Wait, what??  “Are you accusing me of being a danger to my daughter?” TGNN asks in angry disbelief.  HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?  Yeaaah, sooo, she called CPS to look into the matter of his angry anger.  “You did WHAT?!”  “In the meantime, I think it’s best if Faith stay with someone else,” she says, almost holding her hands up to ward him off.   Nick glares.  “You are NOT taking my kid away from me!”  Or what, Nick, you’ll go crayzee?

 

Ashley snippily brings Victor and Victoria the analysis of their top three markets for Hex.  Chelsea interrupts to show them sketches of her new line.  Funny how they’re all meeting in the smallest office of the entire show to do this.  I guess the head of the fashion division is getting a mani-pedi or something.  

 

Victoria looks at the sketches and imperiously says she was expecting bigger blocks of primary colors, which I guess Chelsea was supposed to psychically divine at home since Victoria took over the company 24 hours ago.   “I’m afraid this isn’t quite in line with our creative concept you knew nothing about.”  “YOUR creative concept?” asks Chelsea, confused. 

 

Ashley narrows her eyes while Victoria casually tells Victor they’ll just send Chelsea’s sketches over to the focus group people.  Ummm, why?  Victoria deigns to tell this little fashion designer peon that they’ve had a lot of success with focus groups.  Especially since they don’t come up with ideas and generally need to steal them.  “Well, I’ve had a lot of success without them, and I’m not going to start taking advice from paid amateurs,” says Chelsea.

 

Victor says she has NO choice.  See, Victoria is the specialest snowflake of all, and she has a better vision of all the things.  Victoria smiles smugly and contentedly because Daddy thinks she is the bestest.  Chelsea looks on in despair, and Adam shows up and manages to squeeze into the office, too.  “Well, that would make you a fool,” he says to Victor.  “Chelsea could be working for any fashion house in the world.”  Victor peers at him over his glasses.  “Would you kindly exit stage left?”  Nah, he’s good right where he is.  And he'd probably have to climb over some furniture to exit stage left.

 

Billy goes to plead his case to Phyllis again.  She doesn’t want to hear it.  She thinks their father would be PROUD of Jack for throwing his company in Victor’s lap.  Billy says there has GOT TO BE something else going on here, an end game they don’t know about!  Phyllis admits Nikki thought the same thing.  They put their husbands to the test with orchids and maybe two loaded questions, and both men insist it was because they changed when the building collapsed.  “PLEASE don’t tell me you BELIEVE that crap about them seeing the light!”  Phyllis insists this is OVER.  Vack are partners, the end.  Billy says they can work together to FIX THIS.

 

Doppel Jack walks in.  “That’s EXACTLY why you’re no longer working at Jabot.  And if you keep stirring things up with my wife, you’ll no longer be welcome in this house.”  See how it’s all about the LOVE now.

 

“Gabriel” reminds Victor he’s the director of marketing for fashion, which includes Chelsea Lawson By Jabot.  I guess he doesn’t know about the focus groups, y’all.  “Make a note about the branding of Chelsea’s line, K?” Victor mumbles to toady Victoria.  Chelsea whips around.  “What??”  Adam says if they lose Chelsea, they’ll be losing the best thing that ever happened to this company.  “And kindly review the employee file,” Victor mumbles again.  Chelsea’s had enough.  “Don’t even bother reviewing MINE.  I quit!”  She doesn’t need the grief OR the money!  She grabs her stuff and storms out.

 

Adam follows.  He assures her she doesn’t need those idiots.  She gazes up at him with doe eyes.  “So…where have you been?”  Adam is bashful and pained.  He had to take a break, you know?  Chelsea appreciates him not saying anything to Billy about…what happened.  “We made love, Chelsea.”  She’s like AAACK!  “I’m not going to tell him, okay.  Just so you can’t forget what happened between us,” he whispers.  “And I hope you don’t want to.”  He walks away.

 

Phyllis makes Doppel Jack say he didn’t mean it.  He forces himself to say, “You’remybrotherandIloveyou, but you have to TRUST me.”  Billy wishes he could.  “I KNOW what I’m DOING…so, come back to work and everything’s going to work out fine,” he says halfheartedly.  Billy stares at him.  “Jack…you hate Victor MORE than I do, so the more that you insist this is what’s best for the family, the more I know there is something going on.  And I’m gonna find out what it is.”  He starts to leave.  “Let it GO, Billy!”

 

Billy turns back.  Hey, if Jack wants to have a midlife crisis and buy 100 sports cars and have sex in every room of the house, fine.  But to use their father’s company as his personal plaything??  “You’re hurting people who love you.  So I don’t care what you say. This isn’t you.”  He storms out.  Billy is really upset, you guys.  Jack just rolls his eyes.

 

Dylan talks to Avery on the phone about getting Joe settled and she’s too distracted to even say I love you.  Sharon offers to cheer him up with terrible jokes like you find on popsicle sticks.  They giggle over this for several minutes.  They have a moment, so Sharon awkwardly rushes off to the kitchen.

 

Nick angrily protests the anger accusations.  “What the hell were you thinking calling the authorities?” he blasts Dr. Allison.  She’s just concerned about Faith.  Nick argues that she wasn’t in danger, she was just scared after hearing some guy say her mother was charged with murder.  “And witnessed her father attack someone over it!”  HE WAS TRYING TO PROTECT HER.  “But now she’s scared of you.  And it’s my job to find out if she has reason to be,” says the therapist, walking away from Nick’s bullying in disgust.  Nick starts shouting that this is RIDICULOUS!! 

 

Sage tries to calm him down, but DO NOT tell Nick to CALM DOWN.  “Why would you call the police?!” Nick calls over Dr. Allison.  She has the right and the obligation.  “And your outburst proves I made the right decision! I suggest you find another family member to care for your daughter while this anger issue of yours is investigated.”  She walks off, and Sage tries to get Nick to STFU for five seconds and get a clue.  “She is WRONG, but with this civil suit pending and now these charges, you don’t want to do anything to make things worse for Faith.”  Sounds like a keeper, Sage.  Nick finally calms down from his anger about his anger. 

 

Victoria says maybe she shouldn’t have pushed Chelsea about that focus group two seconds after taking over the office.  My darling, never second guess yourself, says the person who made Vicky so awful.  She gets a call from Nick and leaves.  Ashley says Victoria was very shortsighted in how she handled Chelsea.  Whatever, Victor already emailed her a list of possible fashion star replacements.  Ahhh, sure they can find another designer, but how will he deal with it if Chelsea doesn’t let him see his grandson?  Oops.  He seriously forgot about that. “Connor’s your last connection to Adam.  Are you sure you want to lose that?”

 

Phyllis asks Doppel Jack if he wants to talk about Billy.  Nah.  “He came, he annoyed, he left.”  Phyllis just knows it bothered him, though.  “Teflon, baby, Teflon,” he purrs.  Then Adam comes bursting in looking for Jack.  “Hey! Are you outta your mind?!  Did you merge Jabot with Newman Enterprises?!”  I’m not sure if Doppel Jack even knows who this is.  “I see you got my e-blast!” smiles Doppel Jack.  Adam checks Jack’s forehead for fever.  “E-blast??  What the HELL is the matter with you?!” 

 

Phyllis will not let you speak to her husband this way.  Really?  Adam knows what Victor is capable of!  “That’s the OLD Victor Newman.  Victor has changed,” says Doppel Jack soothingly.  “Ohhh, he changed.  I didn’t know that,” says Adam sarcastically.  “ARE YOU HIGH?!”  Doppel Jack says this merger is a done deal, and if he doesn’t like it, he can follow Billy out the door.  Adam squints at this bizarre version of Jack.  Takes a fake to smell a fake.

 

Chelsea comes flouncing home, angrily complaining to Billy about Victor.  He’s always supported her work!  “I can’t work there.  I can’t create somebody else’s vision.  Gabriel understood that.”  GABE?  Um, uh, yeah, he um stood up for her to Victoria and Victor.  He’s back from wherever.  Billy knows, he stopped by, but he didn’t say he was going to JABOT where he WORKS.  Well, never mind.  “Neither of us works for that stupid company any more, thank God!” says Chelsea.  “Yeah…neither of us has jobs.  Yay,” snarks Billy.  What will they do with all their free time?  “Wanna get married?” asks Billy.  Sure!  “How about tonight?” he says.  Time for another instant night wedding.

 

Shylan jokes in the cottage some more.  Dylan just always knows the right thing to say to make people feel better.  He wishes Avery thought so.  She says this is just a rough patch.  He says same for her.  “You’re a really bad liar.  But a really good friend,” she says.  They hug, thoughtfully.

 

Victoria shows up at the hospital to collect Faith from Angry Nick.  And for God’s sake, DON’T tell Victor.  Just tell Faith she’s having a sleepover with her cousins.  Okey doke.  She’s really glad Sage is there for her brother, and walks off.  Poor Nick is really glad she’s there, too.  “Whatever you need,” Sage says meaningfully, squeezing his arm.  “I need my daughter home.”  WAAAHHHH!!!!  Sucks to be you!

 

Billy sees no reason for a big wedding since their family is no mood for celebrating right now, and they’re unemployed and don’t have to hurry back.  GREAT!  Chelsea thinks they should do it right now, too, to dampen her sexy thoughts about sexy Gabe.  They hug.  Let’s go to the wedding kiosk!

 

“You know you miss Adam,” Ashley says to Victor.  Well, Victor hasn’t forgotten how he tormented Ashley when they were married.  He hasn’t forgiven him for that, or for what happened to Delia.  “We all wish things had turned out differently,” she says.  Well, they didn’t.  Ashley finds it ironic that the last straw for him with Adam, was when Adam teamed up with her brother to take Newman away from him.  “And now here you are, forming your own alliance with my brother.  I wonder how Adam would feel about that,” she says, strutting away.  Victor grimaces.  Ashley always does have his number.

 

Well, Adam feels pissed off about it.  Phyllis leaves him with Doppel Jack to talk.  Adam starts grinning.  Okay, he thinks he knows what’s happening.  Now they’re alone, so tell him the real plan.  What’s going on?  Of course, Doppel Jack has no idea he’s supposed to be chummy with Gabe.  “I told you the truth.  Now get out of my house.” 

 

Adam just stares at him in confusion.  “Jack?”  Doppel Jack just stares back indifferently.  Look, Jack, Adam is going to bring Victor to his knees, with or without you!  “Look at you, ranting and raving like the rest of them,” smirks Doppel Jack.  “You’re not even an Abbott!”  Of course he’s not an Abbott!  “And you know damn well I’m not a Bingham, either!” he spouts angrily.  Doppel Jack’s like, oh reaallly.  Do tell.

[peach]

Wed, 4/29/15  The Three Stages Of Stupid

 

Kyle and the Widow Travers have a big date at the club. He’s still dressing in some kind of dapper retro 60’s attire.  Victor sees them and doesn’t look super impressed.

 

Krazy Kelly calls Victor and says his delivery arrived. Real Jack is stronger that he gives him credit for, but this manila envelope should do the trick.  Meanwhile Jack is hallucinating while strapped to the bed and thinks Billy has come to save him, but he snaps out of it, and just Kelly is there.  He tells her people will come looking for him!  Kelly brightly tells him no one will come looking for him EVER.  “Because, Jack, you’re DEAD.”

 

Kelly tells Jack the tale of the midnight sail he and Phyllis took on their wedding night.  A storm came up, and dear Jack was lost at sea.  Jack screams that nobody will believe that.  Oh, they will, because Phyllis’ body WAS recovered.  Jack says she’s lying, and he struggles red-faced against his restraints.

 

Replay of Adam foolishly blurting to Doppel Jack that he’s not really a Bingham.  Doppel Jack tries to play it like he knows what Adam is talking about while they whisper vague skullduggery about his “plan.”  But Adam is still really surprised to hear about Billy being fired, and Chelsea resigning, and Jack isn’t even going to the office.  Tell him this is some kind of long game he’s playing here.  “I’m afraid I can’t do that, Gabe,” says Doppel Jack.  But Jack can trust him with anything!  He trusted Jack with the truth!  Ummmm…this is..different? 

 

“Is it?  Because it seems like you’re pretending to be someone you’re not, Jack.”  Adam would know, right?  But I guess it’s too much to hope he’ll be the one to nail him.  My dream storyline is that Adam figures it out because Doppel Jack doesn’t know his secret, but the only way he can save the Abbotts and destroy Victor is to out himself.   Dilemma!  But this is Y&R.  Sooo, again with the collapsing building bullshit, and if Gabe, and Billy, and Ashley can’t understand that, that’s their problem.   Adam is livid.  “Except that it’s YOUR problem, Jack.  You may have had some great epiphany and that’s wonderful.  But Victor’s going to use this to take everything you hold dear!”  He stomps out.

 

Doppel Jack’s like, that was weird.  He calls Victor who growls that he’s in no mood for bad news.  Then his day is about to improve!

 

Anita comes to babysit for Chilly because they’re getting married TONIGHT!  Blah commitment blah, they found a justice of the peace because apparently ordering one of those is like getting a pizza.  Anita takes Chelsea aside and asks her if she’s sure about this elopement.  It feels like she’s running away from something..or someone, like Gabriel Bingham.  She sees how they look at each other.  NO!  Chelsea gasptalks about how she loves Billy and the idea of marrying him ASAP.  Anita supposes there are worse things than becoming an Abbott.

 

Oh, it’s Summer and Kyle.  They’re dancing on the rooftop deck that Kyle reserved just for them.  So that’s open again.  The Widow Travers doesn’t bother herself with any memories of her murdered husband being a life guard the last time she was here, and thinks maybe Kyle could spend the night with her tonight.  Yeah, buddy.  Kyle thinks maybe they should ditch this whole date.  No way. 

 

So, Richie Rich flew in the background music singer from New York, just for Summer.  Blah gross blah flirt blah flowers in the attic blah.  So much has happened in the last two years.  She’s already had a failed modeling career, a marriage, a paternity scandal, and a murdered husband.  But she’s still too young to POSSIBLY drink some of the special champagne he flew in from France.  Because Summer really follows rules unless she’s getting shitfaced at a Valentine’s party. 

 

He’ll have to save it for her birthday, then, because it was soooper expensive.  “Who says money can’t buy happiness?” jokes Kyle.  Summer frowns.  Austin, that’s who.  But he’s frigging dead, so look how far that got him.

 

Chilly have an hour to spare before the wedding, so I guess they’re going to literally have premarital sex while Anita watches Lifetime movies downstairs or something.  Or maybe they’re in a hotel.  I guess they’re wherever the wedding kiosk is located.  Chelsea jokes about writing down their goals for the marriage.  Hahaha.  Kid 2 notes that marriage goals are kind of important.  He’s 15 and more mature than these people.

 

Adam stops by the penthouse, where Anita informs him there comes a time in a man and woman’s life where it’s either gonna happen or it’s not.  And he was a contender until he threw away the Bingham family fortune.  Hey, Adam thinks Chelsea has been confused, trying to fill the void in her heart.  Anita says he’s wrong about her being hung up on Adam, plus Billy is over Victoria.  “Okay, well, none of that’s true,” says Adam.  Well, Anita hates to break it to him, but Chilly is in love, and they are making it legal RIGHT NOW. 

 

Then WHERE did they GO?  Because, ummmm, this is about her job!  Yeah, that’s it.  And Billy shouldn’t have convinced her to QUIT.  Anita frowns.  Adam says Billy had some crazy, romantic idea they should strike out on their own, but she’s breaking her contract!  Jack and Victor are going to sue her!  They’ll take all her money and this cool apartment.  Anita scoffs.  “Jack just fired his BROTHER.  They mean business,” warns Adam.  So tell him where she is, because this couldn’t possibly wait til morning.

 

Victor comes over to Doppel Jack’s to discuss the arrogant and expendable Gabriel Bingham.  Doppel Jack/Minion wouldn’t get rid of him just yet.  Real Jack knows something Victor doesn’t, and my DVR didn’t pick up the end of that sentence because of rain or it just can’t take the stupidity.

 

Victor talks about weak willed Harrison Bingham who was lousy at business, so he bought his company and dismantled it.  Minion says he heard it killed him.  Yeah, but Victor feels no responsibility because duh.  It does explain while Real Jack had an interest in Gabriel, hoping he’d want revenge.  “That’s the curious part.  Gabriel isn’t a real Bingham!  His words to me.”  Minion didn’t get much else.  He pulled back on instinct to play it safe.  But Gabriel Bingham is not who he says he is.  “Then who the hell is he?” says Victor.

 

Kyle blathers about the merger, and you don’t need a Harvard Business degree to know what that means.  Apparently Summer does.  Kyle explains that just the announcement alone blew the stock price through the roof. I’m sure the SEC doesn’t bother about that sort of thing.  Summer frowny pouts.  This must have all cost too much money.  No, it’s all for the incredible Summer, and so is this jewelry box.  He can’t wait to see the smile on her beautiful face.  Good luck with that.

 

Chelsea sits alone in bed, worrying, but she puts a smile on when she sees Billy. She was just thinking about all of the horrible experiences and people in their past.  But the here and now is just them.  Billy can’t promise to be perfect, but he will be open and honest with her because he respects her that much.  She promises to love Billy unconditionally, flaws and all.  And she’ll be super honest and stuff, too because respect. Starting now.  They’re lucky and happy, etc. 

 

Real Jack cries that Kelly is a desperate woman who will say or do ANYTHING.  She’s LYING about Phyllis!  She would never have torn up that photo, or drugged him, or tried to break him down.  She would have told him from the get-go.  They argue.  He will never stop fighting to get back to Phyllis until HE DIES!  Phyllis is DEAD and GONE, and Kelly can prove it!

 

Summer goes on a tangent and wants to know if Kyle gave up on his big hockey passion.  He laughs.  He wants to keep his teeth, and besides, he already makes more money than most pros.  Obviously this show doesn’t know jack shit about hockey.  So shut up about hockey, Summer, and open the damn jewelry box.  It’s a gorgeous sapphire and diamond necklace, but it’s all too much for frugal, practical Summer who knits now.

 

Kyle assures her he doesn’t expect anything from her in return, it’s just a beautiful gift she will love.  “I know you so well,” he says.  Summer balks and hold her hands up like Kyle’s trying to wrap a deadly snake around her neck instead of a lovely necklace.  “You really don’t know me at all,” she frowns.  That’s right, Kyle, Summer is actually the most fickle, contrary, ungrateful, self-centered, spoiled MONSTER that cannot possibly be satisfied.  I’m sure you had no idea.  Kyle, OTOH, is just pretentious and possibly a murderer.

 

Kelly provides Jack with a paragraph freshly printed off a computer that purports to be a news article about Phyllis’ death.  He laughs it off.  This is like when she faked her OWN death, and he saw photos of her body on a slab in the morgue.  That was actually much better.  This looks like I typed it myself just now.  “Denial, Jack, is the first stage of grief,” says Kelly, undeterred.  She shows him another one with a photo of Phyllis wearing the ugly New Year’s Eve dress.  Kid 2 is laughing.  There’s not even a news logo or anything of the sort.  It’s clearly a Word document.  But Jack cries ENOUGH! over the sheer stupidity of this script.  He doesn’t want to hear anymore!

 

Kelly gets excited about him already moving on to the Anger stage of grief.  That means there’s only one left!  Seriously, can this show get ANYTHING right?  There are FIVE stages of grief, show.  FIVE.  But Kelly doesn’t have time for Bargaining and Depression, and she wants to hop right to Acceptance.   “Acceptance that Phyllis is DEAD.  And there’s nothing standing in the way of our love,” she smiles. 

 

Victor says Real Jack knows the truth about what Bingham is hiding.  Minion says Real Jack isn’t much use anymore.  “JackAbbott is of no con-cern to you, K?” says Victor, with teepee hands.  “If JackAbbott returns to find me in his shoes…it is very MUCH my concern,” says Minion.  Uh-oh.  Victor stands up and lectures him about Peruvian prison again.  “You’re on my payroll.  I PAY you.  If you can no longer perform the job, you’re of no use to me.”  Minion doesn’t back down an inch.  He didn’t want to tip his hand by asking Gabe too many questions.  “What do you want me to do, Boss?” he asks sarcastically.  Victor wants him to stay as far away from Bingham as possible, because he might be careless enough to ask questions to which he does not know the answers.  “Then you’re NOT going to fire him?”  Victor keeps his enemies close, and some enemies very close.  That’s not how that saying goes, either.  

 

Chelsea’s dressing for her instawedding, and is lucky to just have a lovely, strapless, champagne wedding dress on hand that fits perfectly.  She’s wearing a long, multistrand, gold and pearl necklace, and her hair in a chignon that’s nice.  But Gabe comes barreling in to ruin everything.  “I came here to stop this!  You can’t do this, this is ridiculous, this is CRAZY.”  But she loves Billy, and Billy loves her!  “You look me in the eyes and tell me that!  You tell me what we did didn’t mean anything to you!”  He grasps her chin.  “Tell me!”  “I’m marrying Billy.  You have to accept that,” whispers Chelsea.  He will never accept it!  Etc! 

 

She doesn’t want to hear anything he has to say!  He can’t change her mind!  Uh-oh, Billy has come along looking for her, and the door is ajar so he can hear them.  “You shouldn’t have come here, Gabriel!” cries Chelsea.  “You need to pretend that NOTHING happened between us!  You need to forget!”  Billy’s like WTH!  “I can’t forget, and you can’t either,” says Adam softly.  “It was just…sex,” says Chelsea.  OOF!  Billy closes his eyes.  “Don’t say that.  It was much more than sex, Chelsea,” pleads Adam.  No.  She begs Adam to please leave! 

 

He slowly walks to the door, heartbroken, and turns back with tears in his eyes.  This seems like a good time to confess who he is, but she closes the door in his face.  Adam staggers off down the hallway, and Billy pops back around the corner.  He looks like he might want to murder Chelsea.  Drama drums!

 

Kelly and Real Jack are still arguing.  Even if Phyllis IS dead, he will never stop thinking of and cherishing her.  All the beautiful people are bound together in their love for Phyllis!  He doesn’t want a life without her or his family.  “Why not just go ahead and kill me?  Because I WILL NEVER LOVE YOU!”  Kelly’s face crumples.  Why you gotta be so rude?

 

Kyle’s totally embarrassed over Summer’s reaction to his gift.  Oh, Kyle, it was all so incredible and special and wonderful, but she didn’t really need that, and you should have KNOWN that.  How lame of you to do something so special for her.  Maybe you should try kidnapping a family member or shooting a respected citizen instead.  Summer says she made the same mistakes with Austin, who was also an ungrateful ass about expensive gifts.  Maybe if she hadn’t bought him ties and made him uncomfortable, she wouldn’t have pushed him away! 

 

Kyle can’t even!  “I can’t believe you’re BLAMING yourself after what he did to you!  You gave and gave, and he TOOK.  He lied to you, and he CHEATED on you!  And he USED you to get dirt on your family.  And if he wasn’t impressed by your money, it was because he didn’t have any.  But he WANTED it, and he was going to DESTROY your family to get it!”  But he had dimples and a dead mom!  Okay, okay, she didn’t know him, but she thought she at least knew Kyle!  He’s like omg, they both grew up.  Of course they changed.  “Yeah, but I don’t know if I like the person you’ve become,” she whines.  O..M..G.  Kyle throws her off the roof.  Just kidding.   

 

Adam drinks at the bar, and to make his night worse, Victor decides to join him.  He offers to buy him a drink, lol.  Yeah, no.  Victor admits he was rather rude to him [always] at the office, but he’d just walked into a very volatile situation with Chelsea.  Adam doesn’t want to talk about it.  Victor says he’s man enough to admit a mistake, and he shouldn’t have let Chelsea go.  Not Adam’s problem.  But Victor thinks she’ll come back if Gabe asks her. 

 

“I feel like you’re not understanding what I’m saying.  I don’t want to talk to you, okay.  I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to talk about Chelsea!”  Victor chuckles.  “You’re just in a lousy mood, aren’t you?  Maybe another drink will help.”  Adam says he’s going to test that theory.

 

Billy comes into the hotel room and pretends he didn’t hear anything earlier.  Chelsea’s all flustered and glad he came to get her.  Is he ready to get married?  “Actually, I’m not.  I’ve been rethinking the wedding.”  Chelsea’s face falls.

 

Kelly tells Jack it’s very noble and quixotic of him, but he’s just responding to the emotion of the moment.  “You really want to die?  Of course not!”  She shrilly rants about how he broke up with Phyllis the first time while she comatose and how they can have their happy life back.  Remember when he chose her?!  “I don’t even know who YOU are!” snaps Jack.  Kelly starts crying like a five year old.  “I’m the same woman you fell in love with!  I’m the same woman you wanted to marry!”  “LOVE!  THAT’S WHAT YOU CALL THIS?  This is a SICK, TWISTED FANTASY.”  They can’t live this way!  Kelly loses her shit.  “DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO!  I AM IN CHARGE OF THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW!!!”  Then she suddenly calms down.  “I don’t like the way you’re behaving.  You’re so sure you want to die?  Why don’t you see how you feel when I leave you here to starve.” She walks out.  Jack cries and struggles.

 

Kyle’s still trying to reason with spoiled brat Summer.  He DOES know her.  They grew up together in the same world, a world that Austin despised, which she was bitching about to Nick right before he died.  Kyle just wanted to make tonight special.  Summer complains.  She gets they’re both from money, but she didn’t think they were ABOUT the money.  They’re about the STUFF.  And not working.  Kyle says this really isn’t how he saw this night going.  Well, Summer’s just glad it helped HER see things more clearly, like how much she doesn’t like you after whining and whining about you for months.  “I don’t even know what to say to that,” says Kyle.  She has that effect on people.  He offers to take her home, but no.  Thanks for the nice date, but fuck off.   “What just happened??” asks Kyle.  “Why are you doing this?”  Because I’m a HORRIBLE PERSON.  And here’s your necklace, asshole, lots of other girls would be impressed by this.  But not Summer.  He leaves in disgust.  She sits down and pouts.

 

Kyle stomps downstairs and runs into his Doppel Dad.  He just had the worst date of all time and wants to go home.  Doppel Jack says that is NO way to deal with a bad date.  He needs a distraction…like driving a $400,000 car.   Doppel Jack holds up the keys.  Omg, only New Money would say that.  Kyle’s not one to argue about New Money right now, though, and grabs the keys.  Thanks, Dad!

 

Doppel Jack starts to go in the bar, and sees Victor trying to schmooze up Gabriel.  He rolls his eyes and walks back out.  He doesn’t need Victor jacking his flow tonight.  Victor says it seems he touched a nerve with Gabe.  Yep.  I guess he’s had too much liquor, because he starts confiding in Satan.  He put a lot of work into this Chelsea Lawson line, and he feels like it went out the door with her.  She’s making a MISTAKE.  Then ask her to come back.  He did, DUH.  She’s independent and impulsive, he says with admiration and disappointment.  “You seem to know her rather well,” says Victor.  And then some. 

 

Why doesn’t Billy want to get married now?  While Billy was waiting, he realized he’d forced this whole thing.  Her mother is right, THIS isn’t the wedding she wants.  They want ALL their family and friends there when he tells her before God.  Really, Billy, you’re going to bring God into this?  Chelsea’s happy to get married right now.  Nooo, he wants to do it RIGHT.  The way it’s supposed to be, he says ominously.  “I love you,” smiles Chelsea.  Yeah, says Billy.  He wants to take her to that home he usurped, and give her EXACTLY what she DESERVES.  Billy Abbott, ever the picture of charity.

Edited May 8, 2015 by peach

[movinon]

I can't tell you how much I am enjoying these re-caps right now, peach.  It takes me all the way back to last week, when the show was tolerable, sometimes even good.  The load of crap it has turned into this week is forcing the Grey Goose hard.  I can't believe you were up at this time of the morning, trying to do something nice for us - thanks you for being here and doing these.  I wish I had saved these episodes to watch and try to remember the hope I had for the show last week.  lol  

[glowlights]

Thanks guys for clearing up the orchids/Japan thing!

 

peach, you get extra double appreciation points for having to sit through multiple Summer scenes, and yeah since when does she not love fancy clothes and baubles?!?!?!?

 

Nick should have been ARRESTED for punching someone in public with witnesses. Ridiculous. You can take the stripper out of the trash, but you can't take the trash out of the stripper's son. Ugh.

[peach]

I can't tell you how much I am enjoying these re-caps right now, peach.  It takes me all the way back to last week, when the show was tolerable, sometimes even good.  The load of crap it has turned into this week is forcing the Grey Goose hard.  I can't believe you were up at this time of the morning, trying to do something nice for us - thanks you for being here and doing these.  I wish I had saved these episodes to watch and try to remember the hope I had for the show last week.  lol  

 

You mean...it gets worse??  (no spoilers)

Thanks guys for clearing up the orchids/Japan thing!

 

peach, you get extra double appreciation points for having to sit through multiple Summer scenes, and yeah since when does she not love fancy clothes and baubles?!?!?!?

 

Nick should have been ARRESTED for punching someone in public with witnesses. Ridiculous. You can take the stripper out of the trash, but you can't take the trash out of the stripper's son. Ugh.

Summer is a dolt.  She's still TOTALLY acting like a spoiled rich person, because Kyle already spent all that money and purchased food and gifts and such, and she just wanted to WASTE all of it because she's above it all now?  I cannot stand her. 

 

And shut your mouth!  Nick should NOT have been arrested.  That reporter MADE Nick punch him.  The reporter should be arrested, and Sharon, too.  Just kidding of course.

Edited May 8, 2015 by peach

[peach]

Thur, 4/30/15  Part One:  The Alpha DOG

 

Michael is out of the hospital and back at the cottage to talk strategy.  Sharon is wearing a body hugging forest green dress that seems to be missing the fabric over her cleavage.  But she wears it well.  No sudden movements, I hope.  She’s generally looking super fly today.

 

Victoria meets Nick and Sage at Crimson Lights and reports that Faith had a fun sleepover and went to school today.  She has no idea she said anything to the therapist that could make Nick lose custody.  Dylan overhears.  “Why would Nick lose custody?”  Staring.  Guess you shouldn’t be talking about your bizness all up in Dylan’s café.

 

Ashley is who really has problems.  She comes to the lab to find Stabby making out.  “REALLY?  AND you’re late again!”  She lectures them on the importance of professionalism while wearing a black pleather and silver sequined club dress.  Abby is sassy today, though.  “Well, you’re one to talk, Miss Inappropriate Use Of The Shower.”  Stitch is like, yikes!  “Excuse me?” retorts Ashley.  THEY WERE OFF THE CLOCK.  Abby thinks they all have their share of illicit moments, so just chill, Mom.  Sad, but true.

 

Victor’s back shadowing Gabe/Adam at the club first thing in the morning.  Victor notes that there’s a lot of tension between the Abbotts and the supercilious Newmans, and he keeps on thinking Gabe is in the perfect position to [tell him a secret] dispel that.  Adam’s a bit skeptical.  This is the second day in a row Victor’s tried to schmooze him.  Why is that?  Victor chuckles.  “Schmoozing,” he says, like it’s the funniest thing ever.

 

Billy and Chelsea arrive.  “If any place in town can pull off an instant wedding/revenge plot, it’s this joint!” smiles Billy.  They notice Gabe across the room, and Billy’s face hardens while he has a flashback to Chelsea begging Adam to forget that “just sex” they had.  “Oh, look, it’s our favorite neighbor.  And Snidely.”  Chelsea says all they should care about is their wedding.  That IS all Billy cares about.  “I want it to be a day that you’ll NEVER forget,” he says, smiling coldly at her unwitting, happy face.  That Billy, he really turns on a dime.

 

Nick whines about how the child therapist didn’t come to him, but listened to a child she doesn’t really know, and instantly assumed he had anger issues just because he lost control of himself and assaulted someone in public!  So then she created all this drama with CPS!  “That was so UNFAIR and IRRESPONSIBLE of her,” complains Sage.  Waaah.  “Not half as irresponsible as keeping Sharon in the dark,” says Dylan.  Pfft, Sharon doesn’t even have custody.  Uh, she’s her MOTHER and deserves to know if her kid might go into foster care! 

 

Victoria haughtily explains that Nick went before a judge and has a meeting with a social worker today to straighten it all out.  Dylan frowns.  “How do you know it’s going to get straightened out?!”   Nick gets super pouty and angry.  “This is MY kid, alright, and I’ll deal with it the way I want!  NYAH!  And I don’t need your opinion!”  Super Dylan shakes his head in disgust.  “You were wrong not telling Sharon, and you know it.”  He stomps out. 

 

“And off he goes…straight to Sharon,” says Poor Nick.  Sage comforts him.   Victoria tells him to pull it together before the social worker gets there.  “If I screw this up, and lose my daughter…I don’t know what I’ll do,” he says with emotion.  Right?  Doesn’t that feeling SUCK, Nick?  Sage dramatically places her hand on poor Nick’s heart.  Victoria watches skeptically.   She is her father’s daughter.

 

Victor tells Gabe they should put their differences behind them and move on.  Good idea.  So he should just forget his ruined, dead dad?  Hey, he told you he was sorry about that, Gabriel.  Geez.  Victor thinks Gabe would be the perfect mediator between the Newmans and Abbotts, and he’ll make it worth his while.  “So you’re offering me a raise?”  Yep, he heard from Nicholas that Gabe lost his inheritance by divorcing Sage.  “Yeah, Nicholas.  He’s my ex-wife’s new boyfriend.”  Well this will be win-win-win including for Chelsea.  Victor still thinks Gabe can persuade Chelsea to return, since they seem so close.  “Not close enough,” says Gabe.  And look who’s here now.

 

Billy and Chelsea walk in.  Gabe didn’t expect the happy couple back from the honeymoon so soon.  Nope, change of plans.  They’re getting married this afternoon right here.  Victor wishes them a long and happy life.  Billy stares daggers at Gabe.

 

Stabby promises to keep their tongues in their own mouths at work, and they get back to work.  Victoria emailed Ashley about a big problem with Hex.  Surprisingly, it isn’t litigation, but influential beauty columnist Kiki Louden thinks Hex stinks.  Literally.  She thinks it’s snake oil because I guess Kiki Louden can’t even get laid with it.  They brainstorm how to spin this.  I say pay a Kardashian to tweet about it and be done for the day, but Stitch thinks he can tweak the formula some, and they can pretend it’s new and improved Hex.

 

Michael’s hospital trip did him some good, because now he’s getting serious about corrupted chains of evidence and the fact that Austin’s body was moved around and restaged so many times by persons known and unknown that this case is kind of stupid.  The tire iron is full of problems.  And he’s even having it retested, going beyond blood and fingerprints to everything you could ever possibly know about a tire iron.   After they get the tire iron thrown out, the case crumbles, they get it dismissed, and she is cleared once and for all.  Sharon’s like WOW.  He actually makes it sound possible.  Yep, he’s got this.

 

Dylan comes racing in.  She’s bubbling over to tell him how awesome Michael and life is, but she’s gotta hold that thought because what he  has to tell her cannot wait!  Michael asks what happened??  “Nick’s temper happened.  He punched out a reporter right in front of Faith.”  Now he’s the angry tomato.  Faith told her therapist she’s worried about her dad losing it again, so they sicced the authorities on Nick.  She’s staying with Victoria while CPS investigates.  Sharon freaks out. “And then what?  They can put our little girl in a foster home?”  Michael’s on it.  He’s really back to super lawyering again.  Sharon will do whatever it takes to protect her little girl!

 

Barb Martin from the custody hearing shows up for the meeting with Nick.  He goes to talk to her, and Victoria takes Sage aside.  Sage gushes about how awesome Vicky is for taking Faith at a moment’s notice.  Yeah, and Vicky meant it when she said she was glad Sage was there for Nick, but, they’re entering this whole new realm with Faith, and they really don’t need one of the poors hanging around confusing things.  And Faith already has issues with Sage, amirite?  Victoria thinks she’s boss of the whole world now, and formally tells Sage she’ll know more when talking to Nick later, “and I know that you’ll make the right decision,” she says with a smug little smile.  Sage totally just got fired from Nick’s life.

 

Nick pleads his case as victim to the social worker.  He’s done his BEST to shield Faith from all their chaos, but that reporter showed up and crossed the line.  So, I mean, if there was line crossing, it’s not Nick’s fault.  Nick blathers about the trashy reporter and how he made the comment about bipolar disorder, so he lost his cool, but he knows it wasn’t appropriate.  Uhh, no, it wasn’t.  For all sorts of reasons.  Blah blah blah. 

 

Nick insists Faith knows he would never hurt her.  So, is he calling Faith a liar?  Wait, no!  It’s just that this child therapist doesn’t know anything about what children think, not like Nick does.  Faith is just upset because she wants her family back together.  Well, and there’s the whole “mom getting charged with murder” thing.  It’s very stressful, OKAY?  They’re all under a lot of STRESS.   Well, it sounds like Faith is living in the midst of a very volatile situation!  Wait, no!  The situation is, but he is super chill and a safe parent.  It’s like he’s crayzee and has to defend his every statement and action like some people. 

 

Barb’s phone won’t stop ringing, so she finally takes it.  It’s Michael.  Sharon wants to meet with her ASAP at the Newman Ranch.  The “guards” will let her through the gate.  Okay, well, she’ll ditch this meeting right this second and run over there.   “421 Larkspur Trail,” she says.  Got it.  Nick’s too stupid and self-absorbed to hear his own address.  He promises this situation is just being blown out of proportion.  She has to interview more people on Larkspur Trail before making a decision. See ya.

 

Chelsea says they wanted to make the wedding a family affair, so luckily everyone can just suddenly take the day off and join them.  “Don’t let us keep you,” says mopey Adam.  Victor wants to discuss her fashion line.  “I quit, Victor, there’s nothing left to discuss.”  Well, he’s sorry about how it all went down yesterday, so how about they talk about it over a drink.  They walk away, and Billy asks Gabe if he’ll be his best man, because he could sure use a friend to stand up for him today.  Adam’s like, then why ask me?

 

Queen Victoria arrives at the lab to tell them she’s decided to pull Hex off the market because that lousy review caused negative chatter on social media, and major retailers want out now.  So effective immediately, Newman-Abbott is out of the love potion business.  I don’t think that’s how it works, otherwise how do you explain the financial success of Adam Sandler movies?  Ashley thinks the real reason Victoria wants to scrap her pet project that she sweat blood over is so she can rebrand it as her own fragrance.  “Because God knows Newman hasn’t come up with anything memorable in years!” 

 

Does Ashley really think she’s that petty?  YES.  “I do think you’re that petty, and I’m not stupid.  This is personal.  You want to make it clear to everybody here that you are the alpha DOG.”  Victoria smugly realizes that Ashley’s having trouble adjusting to Victoria being queen, but she should really stop being so defensive and accept her new role as Vicky’s peon.  “Or what?  You’ll show me the door?”  Victoria smiles.

 

Victor tells Chelsea they know how valuable she is.  Surely they can find a way to work things out without undermining her artistic vision.  Think about it.  Okay, sure.

 

Adam’s like, are you serious right now, Billy?  “The only reason you’re asking me to be your best man is so you can rub my face in it.”  Who, Billy??  He’s starting over, this is like a whole new life for him!  He wants ALL his family and friends there.  “Look, this tension between you and me, it’s bugging Chelsea, so this is a good way to start over and be real friends!” he grins.  This is about as believable as Doppel Jack.  Adam’s not interested in being “real friends” with Billy, or his grand, symbolic gesture, either.  “Ask your brother, he’s gone nuts.  Or ask that Cane guy, or the bartender.  But I’m not going.” 

 

Okay, but Billy really hopes he’ll reconsider.  “Trust me when I say this is going to be one event you won’t wanna miss.”  Oh, you’re so clever, Billy.  If you’re going to publicly humiliate and dump Chelsea, THEN GABE WINS.  You’re not getting back at him if you give him back what he wants.  God, he’s overwhelmingly stupid.  Billy walks off all cocky, though, like he’s got them all by the balls.  Adam smirks, like, whatever.

[movinon]

 

Victoria tells him to pull it together before the social worker gets there.  “If I screw this up, and lose my daughter…I don’t know what I’ll do,” he says with emotion.  Right?  Doesn’t that feeling SUCK, Nick?

This is spot on, peach.  If only he were human, he could have a moment of enlightenment here, and realize that Karma has just bit him in the ass  Thanks again for doing the recaps and hope things are still improving at home.

[peach]

Thur, 4/30/15 Part Two:  Love The One You're With

 

Sharon earnestly tells social worker, Barb Martin, how awful the press is, how awesome Nick is, and the fact that yesterday was the anniversary of Cassie’s Death, so that brings up a lot of strong emotions.  It usually brings up a week long Cassie’s Death festival, but they really cut back this year, and Nick just punched someone in commemoration. 

 

Sharon’s wearing a very cool, three leaf gold necklace, which is possibly from the Sharon Case collection, and Barb is wearing a one leaf version, because she’s only showing one leaf’s worth of skin.  Surely they can see eye to eye on this, then. Upon checking, it is not in her current collection, but she does sell some cute stuff.  You’re welcome, Sharon Case.  Meanwhile Sharon Newman assures that Nicholas was just being unusually overprotective that day, because let’s face it, Nick is pretty lazy and punching people is a lot of work. 

 

Barb Martin notes that she’s being incredibly supportive of someone she was recently fighting for custody in court.   Oh, that was different.  They might fight each other tooth and nail, but they both love Faith, and he’s not a violent man.  Due to Sharon’s own current, unstable, arch villainy situation, Faith needs her father more than ever. PLEASE don’t take her away from him.

 

Sage is hanging out at the rooftop bar, leaving Nick a message.  She handled some meeting at The Underground for him, and she’s really anxious to hear how it went with the social worker.  Maybe she can get lunch out of it. 

 

Nick comes barging in to the cottage, although he actually KNOCKED this time, probably because he’s not sure if any child authorities are in there.  “You interrupted MY meeting with Barb Martin so you could call her over here?” he asks angrily.  I guess he did know where Larkspur Trail is.  He goes on a pouty rant accusing her of trying to get him out the way so she can have full custody.  Super Dylan is there to explain.  “Sharon just SAVED you!  She went out of her way with the social worker to make sure Faith wasn’t taken away from you!”  Michael says Sharon was adamant, and it worked. 

 

Nick’s confused…”It did?”  I guess I’ll have to unflare my nostrils now.  Sharon didn’t mean to interrupt his meeting today, because contrary to popular belief, she doesn’t have evil psychic powers, but she wanted to speak on his behalf.   Barb Martin believed her that it’s best not to disrupt Faith’s life any more than it is.  Piano music plays.  Nick apologizes.  He’s just worried.  She totally gets it, because she does have the power of empathy.

 

“Despite everything we’ve gone through, Nick, what matters most to us hasn’t changed.  And that’s keeping our kids safe, loved, and secure.  And I hope going forward we’ll both remember nothing is more important than that.”  Nick is chastened.  But he probably still thinks this kind mother murdered Noah’s fiancée.

 

Adam’s decided on scotch for lunch.  Victor’s still hovering around, disapproving.  It’s cool, Gabe has a light schedule today, since he directs the marketing for a fashion line that doesn’t exist.    Victor assures him he can get Chelsea back under the Newman-Abbott umbrella.  He happened to notice Gabe’s reaction to Chilly walking in together.  If looks could kill…  “What’s it to you?”  “Just sayin’,” says Victor.  LOL.  Victor using slang is always amusing.  So, will Gabe take his job offer?  Well…he does need the money.  Great, and don’t drink too much of that, K?  Victor leaves, and Adam gulps more scotch.  You can’t tell him what to drink, DAD!

 

Ashley informs Victoria that she can throw her worst at her, but she is NEVER quitting.  She is staying and fighting for Jabot’s sake and her father’s sake.  Vicky says there’s nothing better than an employee with fire in her belly.   Stabby watches their polite viciousness continue like a spectator sport. 

 

Chilly walks in.  “Just when I thought this meeting couldn’t get any more fun,” says Vicky.  Relax, they aren’t there for work, lol, they came to invite Ash and Abby to their wedding that’s in five minutes.  Victoria deflates a bit.  “How fast can you change?” laughs Billy.  Looks like they’re all dressed for a wedding right now, but Abby promises they can change outfits like lightning.  That’s only if the boss will give them the time off, snarks Ashley.  Um, sure.  Nobody knows where Jack’s run off to. 

 

Victoria acts all puny and says she’ll leave them to their plans.  “Stay,” says Billy earnestly.  “I want you to come, too.”  Chelsea’s like wwwwtf?  He just wants to build a bridge between their families.  Even wandering dong Stitch thinks there are better ways to do that.  Blah blah, Billy and Victoria are a perfect example of feuds gone right, and they’re a big part of each other’s lives, especially when they’re kissing.  So it would really mean a lot to him if she were there when he does something terrible and embarrassing to get even with Chelsea. 

 

Victoria seems mystified by this invitation, as if Billy is ever appropriate in these matters, so she’s going to decline.  “That’s a very wise decision,” says Victor, who’s just materialized in the lab.  “You have far more important things to do today.”  That makes Vicky feel a little better, being far more important than any of these fools.

 

Michael takes a sandwich order, and then Sharon gushes to Super Dylan about how great he is at standing up for her and looking out for Faith.  Aw, shucks, ma’am.  “You’re my friend, and I’m not going to let you get railroaded.  Not on my watch,” says Super Dylan.  They gaze at each other.  Also, Dylan likes lots of mustard.

 

Nick meets Sage at the rooftop bar and tells her he got an instant official decision from CPS, and Faith stays with him.  “OMG!  What a RELIEF!” cries Sage.  Maybe now Victoria will STFU about her!  Sage says it was huge of Sharon to give him that assist.  Nick is forced to admit that Faith always comes first to Sharon…. “And me,” he says seriously. 

 

She asks why he’s not celebrating.  Well, CPS is going to be keeping an eye on Faith for a while, after this “misunderstanding” with her therapist.  He has to make sure she doesn’t say any other facts that could be misinterpreted by social workers.  Ahhh, like her daddy is spending time with the no pants lady she can’t stand?  Yeaaah, that.  Nick says Faith is pretty vulnerable right now.  Sage tries to be super understanding and says they can take a step back until things settle down with Faith. 

 

Nick grimaces.  He, uh, can’t really give her a time table.  Sage stares at him.  “Are you breaking up with me?”  <Peach snorts>  Don’t you have to be dating first?  Nick hems and haws, so it looks like it.  “I’m really sorry.  I wish it wasn’t like this.”  Reality starts sinking in, and Sage looks punched in the gut.   Nick kisses her on the cheek.  Oh, and sorry about that fortune you threw away.  Bye, now.  #notevenlunch 

 

Nick goes to the lobby to stare at his phone.  He scrolls away from a photo of himself with Sage to one of Faith.  He sighs.  POOR NICK.

 

Sharon gets lemonade and overhears Super Dylan leaving Avery a message about missing her. 

 

Michael gets the tire iron results.

 

Ashley yells at bored Victor about how Victoria is killing her fragrance just to put her in her place.  And now she’s punishing their team because Stitch dumped her for Abby.  Victor’s like, wait, what?  That’s news to him.  “Oh, yeah, the surprises never end around here,” says Ashley.  Well, whichever daughter Stitch is screwing, he’s in 100% in support of the one named after him. 

 

This just proves Ashley’s point that this “merger” is a “takeover,” and the Abbott opinion doesn’t matter anymore.  Jack hasn’t been around to even have an opinion, but Ash hopes to corner him at Billy’s wedding and remind him he’s supposed to care about the company.  Victor seems surprised that Doppel Jack doesn’t show up AT ALL.

 

Stabby lectures Victoria on how they should all be civil with each other.  “Sis, are you okay?  I know that Billy’s wedding invitation came as a surprise,” says Abby kindly, while standing next to her surprising boyfriend.  Victoria unconvincingly says she’s happy for Chilly.

 

Out in the hallway, Chelsea asks Billy if it ever occurred to him she might not want his ex-wife at their wedding!  Oh, come now, he just wants everyone that matters to them to see them say their vows.  “That’s [idiotic] sweet, but I’m glad she said no!”  Billy says Chelsea just has pre-wedding jitters.  Stop worrying about food and flowers, because today is all about them.  “What could possibly happen to ruin our plans?” he asks.  Absolutely nothing, smiles Chelsea.  They embrace, and he strokes her hair while he dreams of punishing her. 

 

Now it’s Sage’s turn to drink her lunch.  Adam comes along and joins her.  “I think I’m one ahead of you, at least,” he says.  He might be a bottle ahead of her, but Sage is catching up quick.  “I don’t remember asking you to join me,” she snaps.  Did she hear about the big party downstairs?  Billy and Chelsea are getting married today.  “Boo hoo,” says Sage.  “I never understood what you saw in her anyway.”  Even though she fucked up both your lives over Chelsea’s honor.  “Really?  Ditto my brother, the big, bland moron.”  HA!

 

“You can stop talking about Nick now, because we aren’t together anymore,” she says bitterly.  Adam snickers.  “Is this the part where I get to tell you I told you so?”  She looks at him in despair.  “Would it be too much to ask you not to be a bastard for the next five minutes?”  Okaaaay, okay, sorry.  Adam makes it about five seconds.  “Still, you gotta admit you’re a real champ in picking out men.  Does anyone ever tell you that?  Always trying to change people, make’em be something they’re not. It’s unbelievable.” “Really, because I stayed married to you for so long, huh?”

 

That’s what Adam’s saying.  It’s pathetic.  Trying to get him to be Gabe Bingham, the guy she pined after all those years?  “You’re right. I’m a fool.  Because you were NEVER Gabriel.”  He was super sweet and charming and loving to dozens of women.  Adam could NEVER live up to him, she says tearfully.  He sure does look like him, though.

 

Adam considers that, or not, because he suddenly grabs Sage and starts kissing her.  She shoves him away and wipes her mouth off.  They stare at each other, and then she jumps on him and they start passionately making out in the middle of a bar.  At lunch.  Get it, girl.

[glowlights]

Great recaps as usual but the last one made me laugh extra. I hope against hope that someone from TPTB reads here and sees peach caling out the show's b.s. (while the rest of us revel in it).

 

Why on earth could Faith not be sent to live with her sociopath grandpa and drunk ex-stripper grandma? At least they haven't punched anyone lately and as a matter of fact grandma did America a public service by running over Cricket.

[NinjaPenguins]

 

He scrolls away from a photo of himself with Sage to one of Faith.  He sighs.  POOR NICK.

Gee, I missed this. A couple of cheap office lays is all it takes to make it to Nick's picture library, a mere finger twitch away from his beloved daughter.

 

 

Ditto my brother, the big, bland moron.”

Adam offended me here. How can he call an evolutionary anomaly like Nick "bland?" Part red-assed baboon, part prehistoric doofus with a dick that's been in more holes than a Tiger Woods golf ball, Nick is a scientifically fascinating specimen. How is that he can mate with human females (Sharon)? Who will take over shaving his butt after Nikki finally drinks herself into sweet oblivion? Being a potato head, can Nick manufacture his own vodka, or is he limited to producing grease via his hair follicles? If aliens arrived in Genoa City and gave NIck an anal probe, would they accidentally lobotomize him?

 

Sorry, but if Adam thinks Nick is bland, well, he's just not asking the right questions.

[movinon]

 

Sage stares at him.  “Are you breaking up with me?”  <Peach snorts>  Don’t you have to be dating first?  Nick hems and haws, so it looks like it.  “I’m really sorry.  I wish it wasn’t like this.”  Reality starts sinking in, and Sage looks punched in the gut.   Nick kisses her on the cheek.  Oh, and sorry about that fortune you threw away.  Bye, now.  #notevenlunch

I was really getting into the #stillnodinner thing, but this is even better.  I never enjoyed a scene more in my life - Nick having to act like a half grown man for a change.  That stupid Sage is going to wind up pregnant for sure, just because she said she could never have children.  Great recap, peach - just one more and you get to rest because this last week was sooo bad.

[peacheslatour]

Gee, I missed this. A couple of cheap office lays is all it takes to make it to Nick's picture library, a mere finger twitch away from his beloved daughter.

 

Adam offended me here. How can he call an evolutionary anomaly like Nick "bland?" Part red-assed baboon, part prehistoric doofus with a dick that's been in more holes than a Tiger Woods golf ball, Nick is a scientifically fascinating specimen. How is that he can mate with human females (Sharon)? Who will take over shaving his butt after Nikki finally drinks herself into sweet oblivion? Being a potato head, can Nick manufacture his own vodka, or is he limited to producing grease via his hair follicles? If aliens arrived in Genoa City and gave NIck an anal probe, would they accidentally lobotomize him?

 

Sorry, but if Adam thinks Nick is bland, well, he's just not asking the right questions.

Lawdy NP when you get on a roll, you just kill it!

[Slowpokey]

I was really getting into the #stillnodinner thing, but this is even better.  I never enjoyed a scene more in my life - Nick having to act like a half grown man for a change.  That stupid Sage is going to wind up pregnant for sure, just because she said she could never have children.  Great recap, peach - just one more and you get to rest because this last week was sooo bad.

Yep another miracle baby just like Dummer!

[peach]

Fri, 5/1/15   Part One:  Day Drinking Never Ends Well

 

The reason nobody can find Doppel Jack is because he’s been playing golf.  He comes home wearing a dandy white golf shirt, kelly green sweater vest, and blue and green plaid pants, which is LOL hilarious!  He parks himself on the couch because golf really wears a doppelganger out.

 

I guess it would be crazy for Chelsea to wear the same beautiful, elegant wedding gown she had on for five minutes last night, that no one even saw, so she grabbed another one out of her closet.  This one is bright white and more contemporary with a sheer, silver mesh panel running down the front and around the waist, and I’m not feelin’ it.  She also has a dumb little veil planted square on the back of her head, and God help us, she’s found her horrid, fuschia lipstick again! 

 

Ashley and Anita fuss over her at the club, and then Billy walks in.  He frowns at her from a distance, but then walks up and smarmy smiles at her.  Everyone looks lovely, but for Chelsea he has no words.  They’re still waiting for the key players to show up.  “Speaking of the best man, have you seen Gabriel?” he jolly sneers.  Chelsea stares.

 

“Gabriel” is getting busy upstairs in Sage’s suite.  They’re going all out on their substitutionary, hot, drunken, hate sex.  I mean, there’s scratching, pinning, satisfied smirking.  Wow.

 

Savery’s all down home chic in a plaid shirt and ponytail to cheer on paralyzed Joe Superman at the rehab clinic.  He’s grown a ten day beard in one day, because this is just that depressing.  He looks great, but has an unacceptable quitter’s attitude.  Savery’s in her element, getting to use tough love and shout stuff like he’s going to use those weights or get one over the head!  They interrupted the hate sex scene for this?

 

OMG!  IT’S MARIAH!  She's alive and finally appears at the cottage!  Sharon assumed Mariah didn’t think she was innocent since she hasn’t been around lately.  WHAT? “I’m all ABOUT you being innocent.  I know you didn’t hurt anybody, and that’s not a guess or an assumption.  I am SURE of it, and I will tell anybody that will listen, not that people listen.”  Sharon grabs her in a huge bear hug, crying with joy.  “Whoa.  You did hear the part that people don’t listen?”  Doesn’t matter if she has Mariah on her side.

 

Michael confidently strolls in with the new test results on the tire iron.  They found…wait for it…traces of latex.  Mariah totally gets it.  Someone could have made a latex mold of her fingerprints!  Michael seems a little bummed that Mariah just stole his thunder, but he tells her good work.  She smiles and says she’s a huge CSI fan.  And also a criminal sometimes.  They celebrate with glee!  Mariah calls Kevin and says she has good news and bad news.  And the bad news is awful. 

 

Noah sits with Summer at the rooftop bar and has sad feelz.  Summer totally gets it since her true love got murdered, too, and it’s like life just goes on for everybody else.  Not for Summer though, who somehow struggles through fancy parties and elaborate dates.  And now Billy and Chelsea are getting married today like it’s no big deal that two people they’ve barely heard of are dead.  Noah doesn’t want to talk about weddings, Summer.

 

Kevin joins them with a big, fake smile and suggests they start fake smiling along with him.  “Why are you being so weird?” asks Summer.  Kevin keeps smiling while telling them Mariah called about the new evidence that suggests Sharon’s being framed, which means the killer is still out there and could be watching them right now.  Summer frowny pouts.  She’s not fake smiling for anyone, dammit.  Especially if Sharon isn’t going to jail.

 

Abby and Kyle show up at the wedding.  Her hair looks perfect but her dress looks it has iron on lace transfers or something.  “This is a fun way to spend the day, watching people in love,” snarks Abby.  “It is if you get drunk enough,” remarks Kyle.

 

Chelsea says Billy can’t really be serious about having Gabriel as his best man.  “It does sound a little wonky to me,” says Anita.  No, it makes all the sense in the world!  Today will be a New Day, and Billy wants to reach out, if Gabe ever makes it!  He must greet her future niece and nephew now!  Chelsea fidgets over Billy acting so damn weird.  He’s so glad Abby and Kyle could make it for the main event because it is going to be UNFORGETTABLE.  I’m sure they can’t wait for whatever uncomfortable nonsense is coming next.

 

Adam and Sage have hate afterglow.  As mistakes go, it wasn’t the worst.  “Day drinking never ends well,” notes Sage.  “Especially after being rejected by people we really care about.”  Adam was glad to forget about it for a while.  “Well, you can go back to being angsty over Chelsea, now that she’s about to be happily married.”  Shame makes her unpleasant. “Great, and you can continue to obsess over that lox, Nick, and wait for somebody to live up to that gloryhood of manhood that was Gabriel Bingham,” he retorts, getting up.

 

“I just remembered why I hate you,” snaps Chelsea.  “Get out of my suite!”  “Oh, you hate ME?”  Well, he hates you back so much he needs a shower before he can leave.  He goes in the bathroom, and Chelsea buries her face in her hands.  Then smarmy Billy calls up.  He really wants to see Gabe at the wedding.  She doubts Gabe is going to listen to her.  Well, if he won’t do it for either of them, he should at least do it for his good buddy, Chelsea.  “Because this is a momentous occasion, and no one should miss it.”  He’s so proud of himself for how he’s going to humiliate Chelsea and put her on a silver platter for Gabe.   If you really wanted revenge, you’d marry her and knock her up.

 

Phyllis is decked out for the wedding and ready to go.  Is Doppel Jack really going to hold a grudge and just read a magazine with his SHOES on the sofa, and skip out on his brother’s wedding??  “He’ll eventually have another one,” observes Doppel Jack.  Lol  Phyllis sympathizes with the terrible pain Jack suffered when Billy didn’t back him up. Yeaaaah, that really stung. 

 

“Then go do what you do,” says Phyllis.  Which isss…? “Be the Abbott patriarch.  Be that bigger man.”  Blah family blah.   Wow, whispers Doppel Jack.  Phyllis really gets to him like few women in the world!  “Okay.  The car’s still warm.  Let’s go throw some rice!”  He jumps up and heads for the door.  Wait, in THAT outfit?!  Sure, it’s late, it’s family.  Billy can say his vows without Jack wearing a tie.  You’d think hell would freeze over with such a statement, but Phyllis runs out with him.

 

The Scoobies meet at the Barbie townhouse.  “So that’s the big news?  Latex?” sneers Summer with her arms folded.  She thinks jumping from latex to Sharon being framed is a little OTT.  Kevin says it’s evidence that something was going on with that tire iron.  “Yeah, the one with my husband’s blood on it.  Thank you, I really love talking about that.”  Isn’t that what you were already talking about?  Hey, you know what else had your husband’s blood on it?  That bookend you hid.

 

Sad Noah says none of this is easy to talk about.  But it’s increasingly clear that his mom didn’t do it.  They agree that they have to keep pretending that Sharon is guilty, especially in public.  Kev is going to try again to find what Courtney saw on the video.  That’s what got her killed, so BE CAREFUL.  He leaves.  Summer whines that if they ARE in danger, then Kyle needs to know, especially since he probably did it.  “Where is the replacement boyfriend, anyway?” snarks Mariah.  That’s not how it is.  Waaaah!  Noah agrees that Kyle and Abby do need to watch their backs.  He texts them.

 

Kyle smarmy sneers that Noah will grasp at anything to think Sharon’s innocent.  Well, Abby thinks watching out for the killer isn’t the worst idea.  Kyle says she's safe at a wedding, but he promises to shield her with his annoying attitude.

 

Chelsea approaches Billy and wants to say she’s sorry.  Okay, just in general, or for something specific, like, say screwing Gabriel Bingham?  She just knows he wanted a big, family wedding, but there are some no-shows with this short notice, like Traci and Jill.  Pfft, why would JILL be there?  Is she getting cold feet on him?  Of course not.  Well, he’s not worried, and he’s NOT waiting.

 

Anita comes up and gushes over them, and Billy really wants to take a moment to remind her that Chelsea wouldn’t be the woman she is without her.  Today is her day, too.  Geez, why ya gotta drag Daisy Duke into it, Billy?  She’s on your side.  She thinks he’s such a sweetheart, and tearfully hugs him.  Billy’s like,where’s that Reverend?  He’s waited long enough to make an ass out of himself.  I’m sure the Reverend’s not leaving til T minus three minutes, the way you people cancel last minute weddings.  It’s probably a running joke in the Reverend locker room.

 

Where did they get this puny wheelchair for Joe?  I think he could rest his chin on his knees.  Blah complain blah.  Avery yells at him and thinks he should be grateful for the miracle that his gorgeous head didn’t get damaged.  SUCK IT UP, JOE!  He sucks it up, and she takes a break to call Dylan.

 

Dylan isn’t just an expert on Limited Resource Allocation, but he’s also got an Army buddy who’s a forensics expert.  He could have him look into all this nonsense, too!  Sharon worries that some creepy killer has been in her house, and worse that it’s probably someone close to her.  They promise she's safe. Dylan goes in the kitchen.   Michael’s going to take this new evidence to Paul.  He leaves.  Dylan’s cell phone rings, so Sharon answers it. It’s Avery, of course.  “WHY are you answering Dylan’s phone?!”

 

Kevin goes to the station to search the computer.  Paul comes out and asks if he’s supposed to be there.  Nope, he’s off the clock, but he can give him a slap on the wrist later.  He’s going to find out what got Courtney killed.  Paul can save him the trouble.  He knows exactly what Courtney found.

 

Sage comes rushing down the stairs so she can get far away from the scene of her hot sex crime.  Annoying Billy grabs her and tries to convince her to come to the wedding.  She’s like WHY?  They aren’t friends, and they’re not even neighbors anymore.  “Who doesn’t like weddings, huh?” asks Billy.  “Someone with no romantic prospects whatsoever” but thanks for asking.  Billy insists that weddings can be inspirational, cathartic, and just plain entertaining.  FINE, she’ll go since it’s five feet away.

 

Doppel Jack and Phyllis walk in.  “Jack!...Wow.  Way to upstage the bride.”  But it’s fine.  His best man blew off his duties that he never agreed to, so would Jack like to stand in?  Sure, why not.  Billy rushes off, and Ashley walks up in a stunning raspberry silk dress.  “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  THIS is what you do instead of paying attention to work?”  All work and no play makes Doppel Jack a dull boy!  Victoria KILLED Hex, Jack!  They just lost their biggest seller!  “Is she out of her mind?” cries Phyllis who does nothing all day.  “Did you know about this?  And more importantly, what are you gonna do about it?” snaps Ashley.  Doppel Jack’s appalled.  “Where are your priorities, Ashley?  Our brother is getting married,” he chides, walking in with Phyllis.  Ashley’s eyes almost come out of her head.

 

Chelsea tells Billy she doesn’t need to walk down the aisle, it’s just silly.  What?  The moment needs to build, says Billy.  “Nothing we’re doing here today is silly.  These are moments we’re going to remember forever,” he smiles.  “You’re such a romantic,” she coos.  He sure is.  Now get going.  Billy grins in anticipation of publicly destroying  her.  Her lipstick is SUPER distracting, but I guess this is the big moment.  The bridal march starts playing, RIGHT when poor, hungover Adam walks down the stairs.  They stare at each other.

 

Paul tells disappointed Kevin that he put someone else on the computer case, and they got results.  “Someone who isn’t me?” asks Kevin.  What’s he so surprised about, that he put someone else on it, or that they got results?  BOTH!  AND WHY?!  Um, because he COVERED UP A MURDER and got suspended?  FINE.  What did they find? 

 

Paul opens his laptop and shows Kevin a surveillance video of the Barbie Townhouse Building that I guess the park service keeps an eye on.  And there’s Sharon “sneaking” in, which seems subjective.  And there’s a date and time stamp for 9 p.m. on Valentine’s Night.  Man, that Sharon really gets around in a snow storm.  Still doesn’t prove anything, says Kevin.  It PROVES she was looking for the victim, snaps Jump To Conclusions Paul.  And obviously she looked everywhere for him and psychically found him at the Abbott Cabin and killed him two hours later, hid out and waited for everyone to find him, dragged his body all over town, threw the murder weapon out the window, so later she could tell everybody where it was, before getting home to get hot cocoa with Dylan.  DUH. 

 

Kevin frowns at the surveillance footage.  Something isn’t right about it.  Paul screams and shouts at him for the Scoobies covering it all up which resulted in Courtney’s murder!  AND SHARON’S NOT GETTING AWAY WITH IT!!!  Hmm.  Maybe Paul did it.

Edited May 10, 2015 by peach

[glowlights]

Noah sits with Summer at the rooftop bar and has sad feelz.  Summer totally gets it since her true love got murdered, too, and it’s like life just goes on for everybody else.  Not for Summer though, who somehow struggles through fancy parties and elaborate dates.  And now Billy and Chelsea are getting married today like it’s no big deal that two people they’ve barely heard of are dead.  Noah doesn’t want to talk about weddings, Summer.

 

Oh my god did she really whine about Billy getting married?!?!?!? Just when I thought the character couldn't get any worse....

 

Dapper DoppelJack sounds very goofy and carefree in this episode, but maybe it's just the way peach wrote her recap. I would love it if a doppel-doofus ran Newman Abbot into the ground, never to rise again. That would shut them all up.

[peacheslatour]

DoppelJack is very goofy and carefree, I think PB is having a blast with it.  Can't wait to read peach's take on the big denouement, it's sure to be classic peach.  #nopressure.

[peach]

Fri, 5/1/15 Part Two:  Billy’s No Saint

 

Avery, who dropped her whole life to go take care of Joe Superman, gets in a snit that Sharon answered Dylan’s phone for him while he was in another room.  THAT IS CROSSING THE LINE.  She just wants a reason to be pissed off so she can be the good guy, and is even more incensed that actual evidence might clear Sharon.  Champion of the Underdogs hangs up on him.

 

Devastated Adam stares mournfully at Chelsea as she gets ready to walk down the aisle.  She takes a deep breath and goes through with it.   Dearly Beloved, Chelsea and Billy are going to pledge their life and love to each other.

 

Clueless, happy Chelsea goes first of course, and weepy giggles about the crazy story that’s led them here to their unexpected happiness.  Kyle looks like he’s being punished for something having to sit through this, but everyone else finds it very sweet.  Everyone but Billy and Adam.  Blah blah drama, grief, love, forgiveness, understanding, everything Chelsea’s always hoped for…a life with Billy. 

 

Billy says he never expected this to happen.  They were both lying liars on the dark side, so there was no guilt, and no reason to lie anymore.  All the lies were canceled out, becoming shining, glorious truth.  I’m paraphrasing, of course.  They knew each other in Myanmar when he was a lousy drunk and she was a hot bartender.  “And then you set me up, and threw me in a foreign prison, but..whatever.  Bygones, right?”  Now that was a direct quote.  Chelsea mini frowns that he wants to get that specific right now, but he plunges on.

 

They got through to the other side, right?  They fell in love, and it was all based on honesty, right?  And getting even with Victoria, and teaming up to destroy innocent Stitch, and usurping all that belonged to Adam, and truth, justice, and the American Way.  It was fucking TOP GUN, Chelsea, but then poor, innocent Maverick found out he was WRONG.  Goose was a liar all along!!

 

“Because you set me up again, and you lied to me.  Only this time, my prison would have been marriage to you.”  Adam looks alarmed.  Anita narrows her eyes.  Doom settles in.  “Do you take this woman?  NOPE.  No way in hell.” whines Billy.  Chelsea looks like she’s having that nightmare when you show up to school and didn’t know there was an exam.

 

Michael shows up at Paul’s office, and suggests he reopen the case on the murders of Courtney and Austin.  He doesn’t have the killer, and the public is still in danger.  He plops the evidence on Paul’s desk that proves a deranged killer is on the loose.  Oh, well, Paul has evidence that Sharon knew exactly what she was doing sneaking into giant buildings where the victim wasn’t, and how beautifully she conned Michael.  Michael frowns at Paul, like wth is wrong with you?

 

Mariah is my girl.  Kevin explains to the Scoobies that the theory is Sharon killed Courtney because of she saw the security footage.  “Of Sharon going into Austin’s apartment building where he wasn’t killed?” says Mariah.  EXACTLY.   Pouting Summer still hasn’t unfolded her arms.  “That still proves she was stalking my husband.”  Mariah thinks Sharon wasn’t much of a stalker, then.  But something is really bugging Kevin about that screen shot and he can’t put his finger on it.

 

“Billy, what is wrong with you?!” says poor Ashley, whose whole family has gone crazy.  Chelsea pleads with Billy that they don’t have to do this, they should go somewhere to talk.  “No, this is the HONESTY part.  We agreed no more secrets, right?”  I think you’re still allowed to keep secrets from your guests.  It’s just good manners.  But we all know Billy has TERRIBLE manners and zero respect of other people’s time.

 

“Let me just catch everybody up” so you can cringe at my dirty laundry on this personal day you wasted on my wedding.  “Our neighbor, Gabe, stopped by, and he came away with more than just a cup of sugar, if you know what I mean.  By that I mean sex.  The two of them had some sex,” Billy announces to his horrified guests. 

 

Kyle stares in disbelief. “Great, the public humiliation section of the wedding.  I’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime,” declares disgusted Abby.  Kyle agrees, and these two have enough sense to bail on this insanity, running out the back.  

 

Billy tries addressing Doppel Jack about this jerk Gabe.  “The truth is, you and me, we’re not saints.  We’ve made a lot of mistakes.  But I GREW UP” as evidenced by this embarrassing display of childishness.  He wasn’t going to make any mistakes like that again, like making out with his ex-wife RIGHT IN THIS ROOM a couple of days ago.  “But Chelsea decided a cheap thrill was worth more than marriage to a chump like me, I guess.”  Of course, Billy HAS TO "guess" what Chelsea thinks, since he never discussed this with her.

 

“Have you been drinking, Billy?  Because my daughter ADORES you,” says Anita.  “And you adore my bank account,” he sneers.  Have they asked themselves if Chelsea’s bothered to deny any of this?  Chelsea’s just been standing in shock with her hand over her mouth.  She begs him to go somewhere and talk, although I don’t know why you’d want to ever talk to him again after this.  He’s probably got a rotten tomato in his pocket for his big finish.

 

“Is this true, Chelsea?  Is Billy right?” asks Ashley from her seat, like she’s at a seminar.  “Please, Billy, it was a mistake,” pleads Chelsea.  Adam stares from the back.   Even he couldn’t have predicted something so tacky.  “Yeah.  It was.  THIS is the really tricky part of all this, because like I said, I’m no saint.”  But don’t let that stop you from being a fairly nauseating, self-righteous monster.  He doesn’t.  Because this is a contest, and Chelsea’s marriage track record is worse than Billy’s, mostly because he’s been married to someone extremely codependent. 

 

“Let’s recap, shall we?  You trapped Dylan into a marriage with a baby that wasn’t his, then ya tried to trap me with a baby that WAS mine (NOT IN THAT ORDER), but the only person you’ve ever married for true, real love, was ADAM NEWMAN.”  Adam looks sick.  “That should’ve rung some bells for me, the one guy you really loved, was a lying, murderous—“

 

Adam finally jumps in.  “OKAY!  That was fun,” he says sharply, walking in.  “And then there’s you, another prize,” snaps Billy.  Does he realize he’s on this list of losers he’s making?  He looks over at grossed out Sage.  “You’re lucky you got out when you did.”  Yeah, no.  “This is YOUR drama,” she says, waving her hand away.  “Leave me out of it!”

 

“Billy, you want to fight somebody?  Leave her alone, and fight me,” says Adam.  He doesn’t want to be anywhere near you, pal, probably because fighting YOU would hurt, and he only likes blindsiding easy targets, like when he publicly got Stitch fired from his job.  Also in this room.  Billy does all his best work here, you guys.

 

“But I do hope you and this lying, con artist, SLUT live happily ever after!” says Billy.  Chelsea gasps. “Okay, here we go,” says Adam, launching himself toward Billy, but Doppel Jack actually jumps up and holds him back.  Chelsea cries for them to stop!  This would be an excellent time for her to mention that she hooked up with Gabe after catching Billy examining Victoria’s tonsils, but for some reason it doesn't come up.

 

Instead we’re back to Mother Avery and Joe.  He’s still doing bicep curls, which, I’m not sure how that helps with walking, but anyway, he notes that Avery’s still here with him, so that means there’s something there worth fighting for.  “I give the lectures, you do the work,” states Avery.  Blah banter blah.

 

Dylan’s Army buddy really can’t help out more with the fingerprints, probably because there’s not a lot of fingerprint faking going on in the Army.  Sharon apologizes for answering his phone and making Avery mad.  No biggie.  He’s not walking away from her anymore than Avery’s walking away from Joe.  Sharon thinks if he went to Chicago even just for a day, it might make a huge difference.  Nah. He’s where he needs to be.

 

“You are not at all concerned that there is an intelligent, cold-blooded, calculated killer out there?” barks Michael.  “And Christine REALLY believes she can get a conviction on fingerprints that were clearly planted, and a still photo taken at a location OTHER than where the murder took place?”  Paul insists that Sharon did it.  Maybe he just wants her set free so he can get home to his wife.  Well, THAT’S preposterous.  “Sharon IS the danger,” says Paul.  All 98 pounds of her.  Michael shrieks that he and Lauren are separated, so that’s not an issue.  WHAT?  Why didn’t he tell Paul?  Because there’s nothing to tell!  Paul doesn’t think this is the time to be making such decisions.  He should be with Lauren!  The only way to get through the dark times is knowing someone loves you.

 

Abby and Kyle get to the Barbie Townhouse to hear about this new evidence.  It better be good, or Abby is LEAVING.  Summer pouts.  Kyle only came because of the evidence?  Waaah.  Omg, she is the WORST. “Did you want me to come for some OTHER reason?” he asks coldly.  So why aren’t they at the wedding?  “Oh, you mean the latest nightmare wedding from hell?” says Abby.  Kyle tells them Uncle Billy went up to the altar and announced that Chelsea is a liar and a cheat.  They didn’t stick around for the details, so tell them about the evidence and it better be good, says Abby. 

 

Kevin explains about the evidence that means Sharon was framed, but Paul has evidence that Sharon was looking for Austin, so it’s like this evidence face-off.  “The upshot is the killer’s still out there,” says Noah.  Maybe, says Summer.  Then Abby needs to call Ben!  Kevin thinks enough people already know.  “Ben isn’t people, he’s Ben.”  Summer goes full-on sneer about Abby not calling him Stitch anymore, but BEN.  Abby stares at her like, wtf is your damage?  “Sleeping with your niece’s husband wasn’t enough.  You just had to upgrade to your sister’s boyfriend, didn’t you?” she snaps with her hands on her hips. Did you just say that was an UPGRADE, Summer?  Lol

 

Phyllis and Ashley tell Gabe to get out!  HE’S caused enough trouble for this family.  “Yeah.  You’ve done plenty.  Including my fiancée,” says Billy, causing a relaunch from Adam, but they push him back.  “YOU NEVER DESERVED HER, BILLY!” shouts Adam. “Look at that, something we can agree on,” says Billy.  Adam angrily walks out to the lobby.  “Sorry about the fireworks,” says Billy to the rest of the group.  “It just seemed like a fitting end to a huge mistake.”  Also, I needed to make a huge public scene so that everyone knows when I go back to Victoria like everyone said I would, IT’S NOT MY FAULT.

 

Chelsea begs him again to go somewhere and talk about this, because she has no pride whatsoever.  He snatches her bouquet out of her hands and throws it at Sage.  “Catch!  I wouldn’t want you to leave here empty-handed,” he says, walking out.  Goose and Maverick are OVER.

 

Chelsea looks at the floor while she receives her pillorying from the rest of the Abbotts.  “Did you really have to do this, Chelsea?  Did you have to take Billy’s love and just kill it?!” scolds Ashley.  “What exactly were you thinking?” sneers PHYLLIS.  Yeah, YOU can have several seats, Red.  “Obviously, you WEREN’T thinking,” she finishes, while Doppel Jack leads her away. 

 

Chelsea weeps, while Anita tries to comfort her.  “We’re gonna figure out an angle to make this go away,” cries Anita.  Chelsea wants to be alone!  GO!!  She tears her dumb veil off, and sits in a chair and bawls into her hands.  Adam comes up and kneels at her feet.  “Let’s get you out of here,” he says sadly.

 

Abby informs Summer that Sticky already broke up and it was very mutual and mature.  It was totally legal.  “And then you fell into bed with him.  That’s really mature,” whines baby Summer, folding her arms again.  “Can we stop beating up on me for like ten minutes?” complains Abby.  “OH, your life is sooo difficult!” bitches SUMMER NEWMAN ABBOTT NEWMAN TRAVERS.  Mariah watches with delight.  Kyle would rather talk about the evidence!  Summer’s not sure if Abby’s heard, but there are such things as single guys.  She should try one, like when they pass out samples at the market! 

 

Whoa, says Kevin.  “Do not interrupt.  This is HIGHLY entertaining,” says Mariah.  But, wait. “Market, deli, light bulb!” says Kevin.  He just figured out what’s wrong with the surveillance photo!  The time stamp says 9:00, but the deli in the building was still open!  It closes at SIX!  The time stamp is FAKE!  It was rigged!  And someone put this photo on the police computers?  “That means the killer is smart, connected, and way more dangerous than we thought,” says Mariah.  Twilight staring. 

 

Phyllis and Doppel Jack get home.  As if Billy hasn’t been through enough the past couple of years, says Phyllis.  I know I have been.  “And you wanted me to wear a TIE for that,” smirks Doppel Jack.  Phyllis can’t even.  “Your deep concern for your brother is touching,” she chides.  Doppel Jack pretends he cares about Billy.  “But that Chelsea sure got what’s coming to her,” he says.  Phyllis wants him to check on Billy, but he’s sure he really needs time alone instead.

 

Ashley finds Billy feeling sorry for himself on the rooftop deck.  She wishes Dad was there for him.  Billy says he’ll be okay.  I mean, it hurts, but he’s glad to [be able to chase Victoria] find out now, before he loves her Adam spawn even more, and go through a joke of a marriage before finding out who she really is.  “It’s over now, it’s done.  And I can move on without this MISTAKE weighing me down.”

 

“This is all your fault!” hisses Chelsea at Adam.  Adam has no idea how Billy found out!  "But you got what ya wanted!  You really love this, I bet!” wails Chelsea.  “Now Billy HATES ME!  And his FAMILY was here to see it!”  Adam says Billy is a hypocrite and a moron!  And he doesn’t deserve her!  “No, I didn’t want to see you with the guy, but I didn’t want this to happen to you!”  Chelsea shouts that he doesn’t get to DECIDE what happens to her! 

 

“I LOVE BILLY!  And we were finally coming together to have something WONDERFUL after both suffering SO MUCH LOSS!”  She falls completely apart and blames herself for not knowing how to love people the right way, and that she doesn’t deserve love, while Adam looks on sadly.  “That’s not true,” he says.  “WHAT DO YOU EVEN KNOW?!?!  You had a FAKE marriage with a FRIEND!  You have no idea what it’s like to be so, so in love with someone, and then have it just RIPPED away from you.  And now I’ve just done that to Billy!”

 

Adam grasps her shoulders and tells her DOES know, HE DOES KNOW, BECAUSE HE.. IS ADAM!!!  OMG!  Now it all makes sense!!!  Not really, you guys.  JUST KIDDING.  He just stares at her, instead, crushed, explaining nothing about why he’s just sort of ruining her life for no reason.

 

She takes a shaky breath. “It’s my fault.  No…no…it’s OUR fault.  Billy didn’t deserve this.  But I do,” she says.  Adam reaches for her.  “Stay away from me,” she whispers, and runs out the door.  Adam watches her go with tears in his eyes.

Edited May 11, 2015 by peach

[movinon]

 

Abby stares at her like, wtf is your damage?  “Sleeping with your niece’s husband wasn’t enough.  You just had to upgrade to your sister’s boyfriend, didn’t you?” she snaps with her hands on her hips. Did you just say that was an UPGRADE, Summer?  Lol

Sorry, but it's hard for me to think of Stitch/Ben as an upgrade to anyone - with the possible exception of the Ape-Man or Turd.  The decency and personality genes are definitely defective in that entire family.  Even Cane, Billy, Michael, Dylan, and Mary Paul come in on a higher scale for me than Stitch/Ben.  That said, I suppose he is making money for the people who make Grey Goose.

[glowlights]

“And you wanted me to wear a TIE for that,” smirks Doppel Jack.

 

LOL!!!!! I hope Loser Jack stays locked up and we have nothing but Doppel Jack from now on.

 

Chelsea is a goddamn idiot for not flipping everyone the bird and running out of the non-wedding with Adam/Gabe. Billy who?

[ByTor]

LOL!!!!! I hope Loser Jack stays locked up and we have nothing but Doppel Jack from now on.

Here's a twist...Jack is still in GC and Yack is the one Kelly tied up!

[peach]

Chelsea is a goddamn idiot for not flipping everyone the bird and running out of the non-wedding with Adam/Gabe. Billy who?

 

Right?!  Billy just showed what he always really thought of her anyway.  Run into the sunset with Hottie McHot who thinks you're the greatest thing since sliced bread!

 

Also, throw Billy's shit out the window, and have the doorman set it on fire.

Edited May 11, 2015 by peach

[peach]

Mon, 5/4/15   Part One:  No Worries

 

Nick sits at the GCAC and tells Victor he knows he wants him to come work at Newman, but The Underground reopens tonight, and that’s the only place he wants to be.  Yeah, no.  Victor just came to ask him what he knows about Gabriel Bingham.  Nick squints.  Adam walks in and HE squints.  It’s squinty.

 

Billy feels sorry for himself at Crimson Lights, and Victoria stops by to say bravo, I mean, um, gosh, sorry this happened to you. His tantrum broke the internet, apparently.  Billy says glomming onto Chelsea was a mistake from the beginning, and getting her out of his life was the best thing that could have happened to me, um, him.

 

Chelsea’s not looking as depressed as you might think, in a pretty sharp looking black jumpsuit, and I don’t even like jumpsuits.  She hopes Anita will spare her a lecture about not marrying an Abbott.  A lecture?  It’s time to start talking about her prospects.  “WHAT prospects?  Billy hates me!”  Who said anything about Billy?? When ya fall off the horse, ya climb back on Gabe.

 

At the lab, Abby explains to Stitch about Sharon probably being framed!  That means the real killer is still out there!  The real killer needs to just take a break in Cabo or something, because everyone knows about these murders now anyway.  Stitch strokes Abby’s cheek and promises he won’t let her get hurt again.  Ashley stomps in and this face stroking is IT, you guys.  “If my daughter’s charms are too potent that you can’t act like a professional, maybe you should look for a job someplace else!” 

 

The Scoobies, EVEN Summer, agree that Sharon’s being framed.  Noah says they need to go to Paul and MAKE him listen!  “Since when has that ever worked,” says Kevin. The info needs to come from someone he trusts!  The information of when the deli closes? 

 

Dylan rushes in Paul’s office to ask why he’s not doing anything about Michael’s new evidence!  The fingerprints were planted on the tire iron, and he needs to get to the bottom of this!  “And you need to stop doing Michael’s job!” yells Paul, “AND STOP telling me how to do MINE!”  Then maybe you should be better at your job.  I don’t mind when Paul acts like an old lady, but I don’t like him being a CRABBY old lady.

 

He bitches that this case is complicated enough without meddling from a bunch of amateurs.  “Those AMATEURS discovered compelling evidence!” says Dylan.  Paul says there are a MILLION reasons latex could be on that tire iron, like, maybe Sharon is also a birthday clown and keeps lots of balloons in her trunk. He cannot go to CHRIS and ask her to dismiss a case based on some theory, because if Chris has to dismiss one more case in this town, she’s going to start murdering people herself. 

 

Paul doesn’t appreciate Dylan implying he doesn’t want justice in this case.  And does Avery support him being so invested in Sharon? She’s too busy slobbering over Joe Superman.  Paul thinks he’s getting too mixed up in this and he’ll regret it.  REGRET?  “What kind of person would I be if I turned my back on her?!”

 

The Scoobies argue about what to do and ponder who really killed Austin and Courtney.

 

Anita tells Chelsea she needs to set her sights on Gabriel Bingham, and what a sight he is.  Duh.   Chelsea protests.  “Come on, you must agree with me, you already shacked up with Mr. Hunka Hunka Burning Love.  That chiseled face is a like a Greek god, mmph!  And those abs!”  Chelsea’s like how do you know what his abs look like?  “A woman can dream, can’t she?”  Whatever, Chelsea’s not interested.  “Sleeping with him was the biggest mistake of my life.”  I’d say sleeping with BILLY was.

 

The Greek god asks Victor why he’s hitting up his old boarding school chum for information about him.  Well, he’s inherited a staff he doesn’t know anything about.  Blah blah blah.  He sure knows about his association with the late Harrison Bingham, though, right?  Nick’s like what association?  Blah blah. 

 

Gabe chuckles over TGVN being intimidated by him.  Cracks him up. Victor chuckles back, even chucklier.  “Sonny boy, you don’t know what you’re getting into.  I’ve surmised you have an enormous ego.  I’d advise you to check that ego a little bit, K?”  Adam grins with delight.  “I’m not afraid of you, Victor.”  “I love guys like you,” says Victor.  “Cocky, full of themselves..that’s just what I like.”  Nick side eyes this whole thing, like maybe they need to get a room.  “Good,” says Adam.  Victor has to go to a meeting.  “Watch it,” he says, leaving.

 

Adam laughs and sits down.  “I love that guy.”  Nick is like, DUDE! “What is the matter with you?  You think you can intimidate my dad??  You have no idea what you’re up against!”  Oh, he thinks he does, more than Nick knows.  And what gives him such insight?  Well, Victor Newman is the stuff of legend, for one thing.  And he did some fact-finding of course, anybody would, right?  “Maybe,” says Nick.  If they weren’t lazy.  And there’s the matter of Harrison Bingham.  So Gabe thinks he’s got it figured out.  Nick says he ALWAYS seems to have it all figured out, doesn’t he?

 

“Oh, not everything.  I’m not always right.  Although I WAS right about you dumping Sage on her ass.”  Nick smirks.  Guess Gabe wasn’t such a bad husband after all, if Sage is still confiding in him.  And using him for sex.  “The only reason she does that is because she doesn’t have anyone else to talk to,” says Nick.  “She’s been under your thumb for so many years, she doesn’t have a life of her own,” says the guy who told her to throw away millions of dollars worth of a life of her own. 

 

“That was her decision.  It’s not my fault that she’s a loyal person.”  Nick thinks Gabe didn’t DESERVE that loyalty when he kept her “trapped” in a loveless marriage that included screwing Nick.  But GABE was chasing Chelsea until he finally ruined her wedding.  Hey, Gabe had nothing to do with it.  Billy Abbott took care of that all on his own. 

 

Billy whines to Victoria about how a relationship that started with drugged rape couldn’t have ended well.  Victoria says he couldn’t have gotten her back any better if he’d paraded her around town with a scarlet A pinned to her.  Billy says it really wasn’t about retaliation, he just wanted EVERYONE TO SEE how hurt he was when she cheated on him and his whole family.  And Victoria, too.  Chelsea cheated on all of them.  Apparently this is what Victoria should have done when he cheated on her with Kelly.  Made a huge public spectacle so EVERYONE COULD SEE how he cheated on ALL of them.  Genoa City could have a weekly cheating parade.

 

“Is that why you invited me to the wedding?” asks Vicky.  YES.  Because she always went out of her way to make Chelsea feel comfortable!  Ummm, even Vicky is like, I DID?  And she invited her to Katie’s christening, and Chelsea turned around and thumbs her nose at it?  Obviously sex with Gabriel was a direct affront to Katie English Rose Abbott Newman.  He should have had her in the front row in her little pumpkin seat when he exposed the HAR-LOT!!!!  Anyway, Victoria missed out on Chelsea’s punishment on her behalf, and Billy’s over it, he’s moving on.  Vicky says it won’t be that easy. 

 

He holds her hands.  He knows she knows how this feels, right, SINCE HE DID IT TO HER.  But at least he wasn’t married to Chelsea and they don’t have kids.  He will miss that little Connor, though.  Adam’s kid had started calling him Daddy!  Oh, well.  See ya, Connor.  “Cute,” says Victoria.  #notcute  But he already has two little kids at home that adore him, so fuck her nephew.  She’d LOVE it he would come over and hang out with their children today.  He hopes her roommate doesn’t mind? 

 

Victoria waves that off, but doesn’t tell him Stitch is history, for some reason. She just doesn’t want him to get bitter like she did and learn to accept change.  “There’s a lot of it going around these days,” she says, kinda like how she’s tormenting the rest of your family at work, where you don’t even have a job now.

 

Stitch begs to keep his job, but jealous Ashley thinks he’s breaking the RULES!  Abby says he wasn’t tearing her clothes off, geez, he was just comforting her about the murderer out there.  Okay, fine, but have they thought about what happens with this fling is over?  It will just get messier with Victoria!  FLING?!  Maybe that’s what Ashley WANTS to believe, but what Abby has with Ben is The Real Thing.  Stitch is like…it is?  Ummm, okay.

 

Paul and Dylan argue about his crummy photo of Sharon going in Austin’s building.  Paul rubs his eyes.  “I know you think Sharon is innocent.  But Chris is convinced she can win this case.”  She’s been doing great, so far.  Paul says if Dylan’s such a good friend to Sharon, he should be helping her prepare to spend the rest of her life in jail.  Because that’s what friends do.  Help her make it easy on her family.  Dylan’s like, wait…what?  “Are you telling me she should CONFESS?  To two crimes she didn’t commit?”  Well, it would sure make it easier on Chris, and Paul has to live with her.

 

Noah calls Dylan.  The Scoobies want to meet at Crimson Lights.  They need Super Dylan’s help.  Paul says to think about what he said.  Dylan’s like, thanks, idiot.  “But I have a better way of being a good friend to Sharon.”  I would hope so.

 

Noah and Kevin leave the Barbie Townhouse to meet Super Dylan.  Kyle asks Summer if she’ll be okay alone, because he has to go play a round of golf with Doppel Dad.  EVEN SUMMER is confused by the actions of Doppel Jack & Son. Shouldn’t they maintain a strong presence at the office after the merger instead of going to the golf course?  If Summer Newman thinks you are lazy with weak strategy, then, boyfriend, you should listen. 

 

Hey, if Dad wants to play golf, who is Kyle to argue?  He gets enough flak from the rest of the family.  They even want to vote him out of the company!  Summer doesn’t think that sounds so bad if he’s not even interested.  He’s like HOW can you say that!  “How can you DENY it, Kyle?”  Kyle can’t even!  “I can’t seem to say or do ANYTHING right with you, anymore! What’s the problem?  Are you pissed that I don’t work enough, or that I don’t pay you enough ATTENTION?”  Summer whines she doesn’t KNOW.  “I need to know what went wrong with your marriage,” he says intensely. Summer’s like WTF?

 

Ashley says now that they’ve determined the parameters of Stabby’s relationship, how about they get back to work.  They have to do something about Victoria’s ridiculous idea to shelve Hex.  Keep fine-tuning the formula, the marketing strategy…as long as they can stop groping each other.  That seems like a good marketing strategy.  This stuff works so great, we can’t stop making out in our own lab!  Ash leaves, and Abby awkwardly apologizes for saying they have The Real Thing without discussing it with him.  “Hey, uh, no worries,” says Stitch.  Abby’s eyes widen.  Wrong answer. 

 

Victoria comes in and says it’s nice to see everyone so hard at work.  “What’s the status of things?”  Abby is practically gasping for breath over “no worries” being the status of things, so she rushes out.  Vicky asks if there’s a problem.  Uh, it’s personal.  “I thought we agreed to keep that to a minimum, so let’s stick to that.”  She goes in her stolen office, and Stitch is like, FML.  Now he’s got Ashley on his back.  “What did you say to Abby?!”

 

Chelsea meets with Victor on the rooftop deck, which he appreciates considering her “recent difficulties.”  “You might as well just say it.  That I’m a tramp that had it coming,” she says bitterly.  “No, you are not.  I’m sorry this happened.”  He thinks she’s better off without that loser BillyAbbott and vice versa.  Well, Connor adored him, so that sucks.  So, has she thought about his offer? Yep, and she accepts.  But with the caveat that she doesn’t have people who know nothing about designing telling her how to do her job. 

 

If she means Victoria, he’s sure they can forge a super great relationship, and she can have Gabriel Bingham at her side, if their history isn’t a problem.  They don’t HAVE a history, just a regretful indiscretion.  “You regret it because of the consequences, or because of his character?”  Chelsea stammers she doesn’t really know him that well.  “He went into a burning building to save your son,” reminds Victor.  She admits Gabe’s really put himself out there for Connor from the beginning, and they’ve bonded.  But Connor is an easy kid to love.  “But of course, no one loved him like his father,” says Victor, who already sounds quite close to figuring out Gabe’s identity, and he hasn’t even slept with him.  “And no one ever will,” says Chelsea.  Definitely not stupid Billy.

[peacheslatour]

 

Well, it would sure make it easier on Chris, and Paul has to live with her.

*snork*

 

Another one out of the park, peach!

[movinon]

 

Gabe chuckles over TGVN being intimidated by him.  Cracks him up. Victor chuckles back, even chucklier.  “Sonny boy, you don’t know what you’re getting into.  I’ve surmised you have an enormous ego.  I’d advise you to check that ego a little bit, K?”  Adam grins with delight.  “I’m not afraid of you, Victor.”  “I love guys like you,” says Victor.  “Cocky, full of themselves..that’s just what I like.”  Nick side eyes this whole thing, like maybe they need to get a room.  “Good,” says Adam.  Victor has to go to a meeting.  “Watch it,” he says, leaving.

This entire conversation was entertaining, but that was last week - even laster than last week now.  The real last week was just unbelievable bad, I thought.  Maybe you could just do one big re-cap for the whole shit-fest and be done with it, peach - I can't believe you have to watch that and re-cap it.  Was last week as bad as I think, or was I just in a funk?  I wore out my FF finger and now, I am afraid of badly damaging my bird finger.

[PatsyandEddie]

Dip that bird finger in vodka immediately. It'll be alright. Been doing that for years! 

 

Loved that part of the show myself. It's a wonder all three of their ginormous heads didn't explode leaving brain matter,bananas and black slime all over the Club.

[glowlights]

Here's a twist...Jack is still in GC and Yack is the one Kelly tied up!

 

WAIT. You mean they were switched years ago and the perpetual loser who's been living as The Real Jack is a doppel jack, and the loveable randy dandy we think is Doppel Jack is in fact THE Jack?????? Ooohhhhh....!!! We've already learned that Ashley is a bastard child so it would be lovely if BOTH of them were non-Abbotts. Faux-bbots. I love this.

 

ETA I second movinon's suggestion that peach could ease her recapping burden with a grand summary of last week... I am happy with whatever peach throws our way!

Edited May 12, 2015 by glowlights

[peach]

Mon, 5/4/15  Part Two:  How Does That Even Happen?

 

Billy goes to the penthouse to get his stuff.  Do you think he’s taking the new mattress?  Anita walks in with Connor.  “Heeey, little guy,” coos Billy.  “Oh, no.  You don’t get to make nice after all the awful things you said about his mother,” says Anita.  A-FREAKING-MEN.  “And you’re no better.  You know what they say about sinners who live in glass houses,” she says.  “Invest in thicker curtains?” he jokes.  Fuck you, Billy. 

 

She really is sorry it didn’t work out for them, but he never stood a chance when her heart was still with Adam.  He pitifully asks if he can say goodbye to the “lying, con artist, slut’s” son.  Anita grudgingly hands him over, for Connor’s sake I suppose, and goes upstairs.  Billy holds Connor and gets all weepy and pathetic about how Connor will always be special to him because he can see Delia in his eyes, and also he saw Billy through some really tough times.  Basically, it’s all about Billy.  But Connor will always be right in Billy’s heart, so he’s got that goin’ for him.  “And it was an honor to be your Daddy.”  See ya!

 

Adam tells Nick that Chelsea’s trainwreck of a wedding is on Billy.  Nick notes that he wasn’t the one doing the cheating, sort of.  Adam asks why he thinks Chelsea stepped out on him?  It was hard to be happy when Billy always had one foot out the door, ready to go back to Victoria at a moment’s notice.  “No, Chelsea deserves someone who loves her absolutely.” 

 

NICK asks if that’s the way he loves someone…control them, stalk them.  “You’re just a selfish bastard.  You don’t care who you destroy in life as long as you get what you want.”  Somehow, sadly, lightning doesn’t strike Nick dead at the table.  He gets up.  “And the next time my dad asks me about you…that’s exactly what I’m gonna tell him.”  Great!  Sounds perfect for Newman Enterprises!

 

Noah and Kevin go to Crimson Lights and plead with Super Dylan to go talk to Paul about the doctored surveillance footage.  Dylan doesn’t want to abuse his relationship with his dad by asking for favors.  But this ISN’T a favor, it’s about the TRUTH.  Kev says it would be child’s play for a computer forensics expert to prove the photos were messed with.  Noah reminds Dylan he said he would do ANYTHING for his mom.  Every day she’s under house arrest is not good for her…delicate condition.

 

Summer is pissed at Kyle!  “That’s what you think of me?  That I DROVE Austin to find a bed buddy in ABBY?”  I think that’s what she said herself on the roof, but whatever.  Um, uh, uh, NO!  Kyle just doesn’t know what Summer WANTS from him?!  Summer doesn’t know what he wants, either! 

 

She goes on a rant too nonsensical to be paraphrased, so here it is verbatim:  “You keep telling me you’re going to protect me from whoever killed Austin, but then you turn around and try TO IMPRESS ME with DINNERS or GIFTS, and THEN you want to LEAVE ME to play golf!   Honestly, I don’t even think I want a damn thing from you, but you keep promising me all these things, and that is the WORST thing you can do, Kyle, because it’s gonna make me think everything’s going to be okay.”  Kyle just stares at her because she’s so stupid he can’t even understand what she’s mad about.  It’s simple Kyle, anything you do is wrong, always.  She can’t be satisfied.  At least Austin had the stones to tell her to piss off sometimes.

 

Abby shows up, and SHE is so freaking confused that she came THERE for some moral support.  She cries and says Summer is right, she’s a horrible person who falls into bed with all the wrong people, she never thinks about the consequences, and this time, she actually thought there was something real between Stitch and herself.  “I’ve NEVER felt this way about ANYONE before!”  Well, this admission of guilt and Summer’s rightness doesn’t do anything to soothe Summer’s permapout. 

 

Kyle asks if Stabby broke up.  “I don’t even know how to answer that, because I don’t even know if we were together in the first place!” cries Abby. “There’s a lot of that going around,” notes Kyle.  Summer can’t even!!!  “That’s it.  If you’re gonna go play GOLF, and you’re gonna sit here and feel SORRY for yourself, I’m gonna catch up with Kevin and Noah,” she sneers.  “Because unlike you two, I actually CARE [about myself only] who killed my husband and my best friend!”  She stomps out. Kyle just shakes his head in speechless confusion.  It never gets better, Kyle.

 

Stitch tells Ashley that Abby just caught him off guard with her declaration.  Then when she gave him an opening, well…  “You didn’t take it,” scolds Ashley.  Well, SHE was the one who said to act professional at work!  “So what the HELL are you doing?” snaps Ashley.  “This is my daughter and I don’t want to see her get hurt!”  Stitch says he’s been trying to keep Abby from getting hurt for WEEKS now!  Ashley folds her arms.  You just don’t get it, Stitch.  He’s like no shit, I can’t win for losing over here. 

 

Victor and Chelsea interrupt.  Victor takes her in “Victoria’s” office and says Chelsea’s agreed to design for Newman-Abbott after all.  She stands up imperiously.  “Really?  Even knowing I’ll be overseeing EVERYTHING?”  Chelsea says Victor assured her she has creative control on all final decisions.  Vicky swallows her petulant rage while Victor pretends the two of them can forge a wonderful working relationship.  He leaves, and Chelsea presents her sketches.

 

“Why bother if we’re just going to do it your way,” pouts Queen Victoria.  She hopes they’re a lot better than her last best-selling line.  “I know there are a lot of girls in the office who like that cutesy look, but I would never wear it,” she says haughtily.  Chelsea smirks.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was designing clothes for you.”  “You couldn’t even if you tried.  I like my clothes with a little class,” spits Victoria.  “Your father promised me I would be treated with respect,” says Chelsea.  “Like the respect you showed Billy when you had sex with your next door neighbor,” says Vicky viciously. 

 

Adam wanders in the open door of Chelsea’s penthouse.  Billy comes out of the kitchen, with his really important coffee mugs that Chelsea can’t keep.  Anita took Connor to the park.  Kids like parks, which is something Gabe will find out if he ever has his own kids instead of latching on to someone else’s.  Irony.  “So he’s okay?” asks Adam.  “NO, Gabe, he’s not okay.  His mother and I were supposed to be getting married happily, but you screwed that up.  And now that little boy’s world has been blown apart, and he doesn’t have a father, AGAIN.”  Wow, that means so much after you threw them both away without so much as a conversation and then publicly trashed his mother, scumbag. 

 

“Dammit, man, you actually think you were that little boy’s father?  YOU were the one that latched on,” Adam says smugly.  “You were a substitute, Billy, like a babysitter.  Big deal. Tomorrow he’s gonna be smiling again, six weeks you’ll be a distant memory, some faceless blob that occupied space in his mother’s bed.  Space that rightfully belonged to his REAL father, btw.”  Billy punches him!  Adam falls on the floor, and really, Billy’s not even worth getting back up for.  He leans on the couch.

 

“You shut the hell up about Connor’s real father.  That kid is damn lucky he didn’t know that guy.”  What a great stepfather comment.  He tells Adam to stay away from that boy!  “Because the last thing he needs is to have his mother parade her latest conquest in front of his face!  Although I have no doubt Chelsea will do just that.”  Fuck you again, Billy.  I hope Connor bites the shit out of you if you come around again.

 

“You are a real son-of-a-bitch,” remarks Adam.  “You gonna judge her like that?” he says, standing up.  Yep.  “You know why she came running to me, Billy?  You ever think about that?  SHE CAUGHT YOU WITH YOUR TONGUE DOWN YOUR EX-WIFE’S THROAT, THAT’S WHY.”  Billy just smirks. 

 

“How could you do this to Billy?” Queen Victoria scolds Chelsea.  “He helped you after Adam died,” when he killed him in a fiery explosion.  “He was willing to raise Connor as his own, and this is how you repay him, by cheating on him?”  Chelsea narrows her eyes.  “Look who’s talking.  The woman who had her lips all over Billy.”    Vicky gasps.  “Yeah, I SAW you.  So don’t go around acting like a good person when you were the one trying to SEDUCE my fiancé.” 

 

Vicky gets her bearings enough to start yelling about “just one kiss” and they scream at each other.  Chelsea says Billy was NEVER fully committed to her while he waited for his opening with HER.  And boy did she give it to him.  Vicky accuses Chelsea of having A DIRTY MIND, lmao, and says BILLY was Connor’s ONE shot at having a decent life, like Chelsea lives in an alley behind a sex shop or something.  Chelsea SCREAMS at her NEVER to mention her son’s name, etc, and Ashley finally comes rushing in and asks WHAT is going on.

 

“WHY DON’T YOU ASK THE BITCH THAT STOLE YOUR OFFICE!” yells Chelsea.   Yeah!  “I’m done here,” she says, taking her stuff.  “Oh, are you quitting,” sneers Victoria.  “I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction.  You are stuck with me, and I’m gonna make your life a living hell!”  I sure hope so.  Chelsea storms out.  Stitch is just like wow.  Bitches be crazy!

 

At least Kyle will listen to Abby.  So Stitch didn’t say anything?  “And we all know what that means.  Buh bye, Abby, have a nice life,” she says, plopping on the couch.  Kyle says he’s getting the same vibe from Summer.  It’s definitely not how it used to be.  “You mean before Flowers In The Attic?”  YES.  It was just more fun before that.  Abby points out that Summer was just a spoiled kid back then, instead of a spoiled “adult.”  She’s had to grow up a lot since then.  And she’s been hurt. 

 

Abby says if he really wants a relationship with Summer, it will take more than fancy gifts and dates.  It will take abject humiliation on a daily basis from a whining tyrant.  Or he has to “keep it real” or something.  But he has to try because Summer needs him.  It was super hard watching her husband tumble out of an armoire.  Abby’s just  happy the police have taken this out of their hands.  Kyle nods unconvincingly.

 

Summer shows up at Crimson Lights to annoy Kevin and Noah.  They won’t BELIEVE where Kyle is, she complains.  “Where’s Kyle?  Volunteering at a soup kitchen?  Playing bingo at a nursing home?” guesses Kevin.  “NO, he is at my free apartment with Abby.”  Um, okay.  What’s unbelievable about that?  That’s like third on Kevin’s list after Kyle gazing at himself in a mirror, and golfing.  Ha.  Noah asks what unbelievable thing they’re doing.  “It’s what they’re NOT doing that’s bothering me,” pouts Summer.  Shouldn’t they be trying to find the killer if it’s not Sharon?  It should be THE MOST important thing in their lives right now, and Summer is REALLY starting to question Kyle’s priorities.  Noah says maybe he’s not the guy she thought he was.  Maybe he’s a fully self-actualized human being that isn’t an extension of your pouty self, and he's also not a cop.

 

Nick comes rushing in.  What’s so urgent, Noah?  “We’ve got proof that Mom is innocent.”  Nick frowns.  Well, THAT sucks.

 

Super Dylan tries again with grouchy Paul.  There’s been a new development in the case!  “A DEVELOPMENT?  You haven’t been gone five minutes!”  Hey, life travels fast.  Kevin has something.  “KEVIN?!  WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET ALL OF YOU TO STAY OUT OF THIS?!”  Whatever, Paul, it’s the evidence you SHOWED Kevin.  Super Dylan tries to explain about the video footage.  If he looks at it, it will show him EVERYTHING he needs to know.  “I CAN’T.  It’s impossible,” says Paul.  Dylan insists the time stamp is fake.

 

Paul’s trying to tell you he CAN’T because the computer system’s been magically compromised, also in the last five minutes.  And now Austin’s computer has been stolen.  “How does that even happen in a POLICE STATION?” asks Dylan.  Well, if he knew that, he’d know who the killer was, too.  “Why are you so SURE Sharon is innocent?”  Wait, did she just compromise their computers again, AND steal Austin’s computer WHILE UNDER  HOUSE ARREST?  Damn, she is SO GOOD. 

 

Dylan tries to talk sense to suspiciously obstinate Paul.  Obviously there is something on that computer that will incriminate somebody else!  I guess they didn’t COPY any of the files from that computer because that would just be crazy.  Dylan says he owes it to Sharon, Dylan, and the victims to find the evidence!

 

Nick doesn’t want to give in either. He thinks Noah’s just getting carried away.  “Are you that angry with Mom that you just want to throw logic out the window?!”  Where have you been, Noah?  Dylan calls Noah and explains how the computers are screwed up or missing.  Super sleuth Summer says the killer took the evidence!  Noah says Nick has to admit some of this makes sense.  Nick pouts.  OMG, EVEN SUMMER THINKS SHE’S INNOCENT.  No jury will convict!

 

Stitch shows up at the Barbie Townhouse to talk to Abby.  Kyle gets his smarm on.  I thank him for using it sparingly to greater effect these days.  “Ohh, it’s a little late for that, don’t you think?”  Stitch resists popping this punk kid in the mouth.  “Do you just go with the first stupid thing that pops in your stupid brain of yours?” he asks.  Kyle smirks.  Abby says he can come in.  “Take CARE of yourself,” Kyle says meaningfully to her, and leaves.

 

Stitch is like, is he for real?  Anyway, back in the lab, he didn’t handle it in the best manner.  Abby says she got the message.  No, she didn’t.  He thinks they could have something really, really good.  Abby grins.  Hurrah.

 

Victoria feels sorry for herself, but Ashley says Chelsea deserved it.  She did cheat on Billy, and if Vicky hadn’t told her off, Ashley would have.  They bond over Chelsea being an evil slut, because Vicky was always such a good match for Billy, WHILE SHE SITS AT ASHLEY’S DESK.  So, if you’re a good match for someone, it’s okay to emotionally and kissingly cheat with them, before that slut cheats on him all the way or something.  Because love.  And old money.

 

Chelsea gets home to find Adam and Billy arguing.  “Go ahead, hit me again,” taunts Adam.  Give him another reason to have his ass thrown in jail where he belongs.  Probably not your best argument, Adam.  “You hit him?  What were you thinking?” says Chelsea.  “Take a guess.  This guy has had an agenda from the beginning, that was no surprise.  But YOU?  I honestly thought that you had changed, but you’re the same piece of trash you’ve always been.”  Chelsea frowns. 

 

Blah blah if CHELSEA really loved and trusted Billy, she would have KNOWN nothing happened with Victoria, except all that wanting to kiss her and being smug about wanting to kiss her and then actually kissing her.  “If you LOVED me, you never would have thrown yourself at THIS son-of-a-bitch!  Did it make you feel better?”  Billy says he was just another mark, in a long con for Chelsea.  WTF was she getting out of it, then?  He takes his duffle bag and stomps out.

 

Chelsea has sad feelz.  “Sorry,” says Adam.  “Everything he said about me is true,” says Chelsea quietly.  UGH!!!