Explain it to Me Like I'm Lily: Recaps for the Disenchanted

[movinon]

 

He gets that Michael’s upset about him getting suspended, but he’s wound so TIGHT.  Did he get some bad news from the doctor?  “Good news,” snaps Michael.  Um, okay?  He’s almost finished radiation and is about to start hormone therapy.  Kevin questions him about setbacks or problems, and Michael snaps NO, while glaring at him like he’s going to rip his throat out.  Such a barrel of fun.

Great - peach.  I have hung in there for so long with Michael, because I love this actor, but I am convinced they are throwing him under the bus.  This writing is beyond terrible, and totally out of character for Michael.  I just want them to get on with it at this point and put him out of his misery.  He isn't fun to watch anymore, even with Kevin.

[peacheslatour]

 

Who talks in a baby voice, but I guess Noah really does want a girl, just like the girl, that married dear old Dad.

And just like dear old Grampire.  Great peach-cap, much hilarity!

[peach]

And just like dear old Grampire.  Great peach-cap, much hilarity!

Omgosh.  That's who I was thinking of.  lol  I had a brain cramp.  Nikki is the baby voice talker.

[movinon]

 

Sharon notices this conversation getting edgy and asks what’s going on.  Noah stares at her.  “Look…Austin was murdered.”  Courtney just stares at him like ixnay on the urdermay!  “It’s true.  And Dylan thinks you did it!”

Pig Latin!  Peach, you are so edgy.  Seriously - great recap.  You couldn't now how much I look forward to reading these.  They are so much better than the damned show. 

[glowlights]

Great - peach.  I have hung in there for so long with Michael, because I love this actor, but I am convinced they are throwing him under the bus.  This writing is beyond terrible, and totally out of character for Michael.  I just want them to get on with it at this point and put him out of his misery.  He isn't fun to watch anymore, even with Kevin.

 

See, this is why I didn't want them to go anywhere near a prostate cancer SL, because any sort of realistic message about what patients (and their loved ones) go through during treatments gets mangled into... well, what we're seeing on this damn show. The healthy, chipper, rosy-cheeked cancer patient SLs are annoying, too, but this is terrible. They should stick to imaginary soap opera diseases.

 

Speaking of which, I am confused as to why Sharon is "suddenly" remembering the woods and a bright light. Why is she having memory issues? I thought her meds are working and she's supposedly stable. Wtf.

[peach]

Speaking of which, I am confused as to why Sharon is "suddenly" remembering the woods and a bright light. Why is she having memory issues? I thought her meds are working and she's supposedly stable. Wtf.

 

 

ALIENS!

Edited April 8, 2015 by peach

[peach]

Fri, Apr 3, 2015    Maybe The Park Is Cursed

 

It’s a beautiful day at the beautiful ranch, but hey, let’s get married in the frigging park.  Sharon’s wearing a floral sheath dress, smoothing out handsome Noah’s wedding suit jacket.  “My baby,” she smiles.  She tells him he was sick as a baby, and she and Nick would just try to be brave and hold on to visions of the kind of man he would grow up to be one day.  And now…  “I love you, Mom.”  “I know you do,” she replies.  Aww.

 

Noah says Courtney is smart and strong, and though there were 21 Jump Street complications at the beginning, suddenly it wasn’t complicated, unless you count covering up murders.  He didn’t know it could be that way.  Sharon acknowledges that Shick drama didn’t make it easy.  Noah can picture the future with Courtney, and it feels good.  “We all need something to believe in,” says Sharon.  Today he’s giving this family something to celebrate, and nothing else matters.  “Just you and your bride.”   They hug.

 

Okay, this is the Deluxe Park Package With Spring Décor, so it’s not quite as horrible as I was expecting.  There are huge bouquets of flowers, giant pink paper parasols mixed in there that look like they go in giant tropical drinks, what appear to be pink shower loofahs hanging in trees, and they even have chairs.  Fancy.   Nick’s frowning in thought at a flower.  Is he thinking of eating it?  Ooga ooga.  The JOP shows up and asks if he’s the groom.  Who, Nick?  God, no.  That was just the last two or three times.  His son is the lucky guy this time.

 

Summer and Courtney admire her reflection.  Courtney looks pretty in a V neck, form fitting gown that looks like it might have a mermaid tail, but I can’t tell yet.  She has a sparkly headband and seems kinda mermaidy to me.   I guess it’s just something she picked up at the 24 hour wedding boutique, where Summer also got her ugly silver gray bridesmaid gown, and she just pulled the front of her hair into a ponytail on top, like if you were going dogwalking or something.  Or like there’s some other phase to her hairstyle she just didn’t get to.  Anyway, she says Courtney looks perfect.  And marrying her brother is even more perfect.

 

“24 hours from proposal to marriage.  That sounds [stupid] crazy,” she laughs.  But it’s romantic though, right?  Ummm, sure.  Summer wistfully says sometimes it just happens that quickly, and turns away.  Courtney is suddenly sorry.  She and Noah should have waited, since technically Summer’s supposed to be in mourning or something.  Don’t be silly.  Noah was right to want to do this instantly, embracing life and all that.  Summer says not one thought today about documentaries, or stalker messages, or murder.  Just smile.

 

Dylan looks at a map of Genoa City and has a FLASHBACK to demanding Sharon tell him exactly what she was doing out there when looking for a hotel room.  He worries.  “Going somewhere?” Avery says, startling him.  Ummm…what?  He stammers oddly, and Avery points out he didn’t come to bed last night.  Seriously…he stayed up all night thinking about this?  He says he just has a lot on his mind.  “I know what it is.  And it has to stop,” chides Avery.  Wait til she realizes he ain’t thinking about her at all.

 

Stitch shows up at Abby’s messy suite realizing she’s not near ready for their trip.  She comes tip tapping out of the bathroom, telling him Kyle called, and suddenly Noah and Courtney are getting married today.  What’s the rush?  “I don’t know, something like life is short, and there’s a killer stalking us?”  Anyway, she told Kyle to give her apologies, and now she’s behind on her packing.  Stitch is like hmm, Kelly’s ashes vs celebrating Love?  He says she’s going to the wedding.  “But I need to be with you,” says Abby.  Stitch power squints.

 

Joe runs into Lily in the club lobby.  She’s looking very fly in a black and white dress.  He has a personal matter he hopes she can help him with, he says, reaching out and touching her arm.  OMG!  DO NOT TOUCH THE MERCHANDISE!  “I cannot believe you are hitting on me again,” she snaps, jerking away.

 

Leslie discusses the case with Neil and Devon.  I have no idea why Devon needs to be there, but Leslie says she can’t toss the confession at this point, but she filed a not guilty plea, so at least they have a shot now.  Neil says that plea was because of her and Victor, because evidently, not everyone believes that just telling the truth is the right thing to do.  Right, Devon?  Devon says there’s different sides of the truth,like the lying, cheating side.  “Yeah, but I didn’t teach you that, did I?  One reality, one truth. And the truth is, I killed Paul and Christine’s baby.”   And now the ADA knows it.  “Winston Mobley,” says Leslie.  Neil says at least the jury can think the truth matters.

 

Hilary sees ADA Mobley at Crimson Lights, AGAIN, and “accidentally” bumps into him, AGAIN.  This time she really puts her shoulder into it.  Oopsy!  She can’t believe she’s so clumsy.  Let her buy him another coffee.  She introduces herself as Ann Turner.  Wow, she’s in full scam mode.  “Winston Mobley,” he says, shaking her hand.  Am I on drugs?  Didn’t she say his name was Barnaby the last time this happened??  WTH IS GOING ON?  Winston “Barnaby” Mobley is pleased to meet her, either way.  Oh, the pleasure is all “Ann’s.”

 

Summer’s dress is short with an asymmetrical hemline, which makes me think it’s cuter now.  She admires a long necklace that Noah gave Courtney as a gift before the wedding.  “You know, he’s funny, Summer.  He just wants me to be happy,” she says smiling.  Isn’t that…normal?  Noah wants to be the one that makes sure they all start living.  Oh, crap, she doesn’t mean to keep saying these awkward things to Widow Travers!  Seriously, Summer’s so over it.  How long do you expect her to be broken up over her murdered husband?  It’s okay to be happy.  They giggle about being family now.

 

Kyle stops by, looking like he stepped out of Kingsman: Secret Service.  It’s awesome that all these kids have wedding clothes ready at a moment’s notice.  He says the carriage awaits, and he’s probably not even kidding.  Omg, Courtney left something at the office!!  She’ll just meet them at the park.  What could go wrong?  She rushes off.

 

Kyle asks if Summer’s okay. “Courtney’s not going to have to think Noah loves her…she’ll know that he does.”  Waaah.  Maybe because she didn’t hook up with him 15 minutes ago while running from police.  Kyle comforts whimpering Summer.  “I just feel so stupid for loving Austin.  I…still love him after everything.  No matter what he did, he didn’t deserve to die.  And we don’t deserve to be tortured.  It’s really not fair.”  WAAAH.  Kyle hugs her and says she’s going to be okay.  They’ll go to that wedding, and he’ll be right next to her.

 

Sharon says Noah’s exactly the man she hoped he would be because love.  More sentiment.  Sharon gets very teary, and Noah leaves for the wedding.  Then she looks worried.  I hope aliens aren’t going to ruin the wedding.

 

Joe swears to Lily he was NOT hitting on her.  Wow, should I record this frantic rant of hers?  She hasn’t been on much, so why not.  “Oh, of course not.  Because I’m the one who can help you with your PERSONAL problem, right?  Don’t answer that, but Cane says that’s just how you are, you’re in perpetual flirt mode but my dad is facing criminal charges and I should be over there helping him but instead I’m over here explaining to you once again how to talk like a normal person to a woman. But maybe you can’t help but be smarmy, or, or, maybe you heard that Cane and I are having a rough patch but we’re not!  We’re fine!  We’re perfect, so just find someone else to help with your personal issue.”  She stomps off, and Joe just frowns, like TMFI, crazy lady.

 

Avery lectures hapless Dylan about how he’s got to stop fixating on the time she spends with Joe.  Yes they had dinner with Phack  blah blah blah BLAH, and Joe told his story, and he was real, and honest, and it had nothing to do with her, or their past, and for him to spend the night on the couch, stewing about JOE…  Dylan finally gets a word in edgewise.  “Do you even hear yourself right now?  I’m not the one talking about Joe.  I’m not the one fixated on Joe.  Last night was about something entirely different, and you would know that, if you would just stop TALKING about JOE.”  Avery’s like, d’oh.  But, but, Joe’s so real, you guys.  Real shady.

 

Abby insists no one will miss her at the wedding.  Well, the killer might, but even though Stitch is a soldier and a doctor who’s seen more death than most people should, this is still his dead sister.  He’s going to need backup, and Victoria voted for Abby, because she wants to break up with him anyway.  “Hey, isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?  Me looking after you?”  Well, he can just look after her on the way and feed her lots of bottled water because airplane air is bad for her skin.  I’m not making that up.  Stitch notes that Kelly will still be dead later, so wedding first, then terrible airplane air.  “We do both events…together.”  Abby smiles.

 

Mariah’s wearing a cute, navy, fit and flare dress when she and Kevin meet up with Nick at the park.  Where’s the happy couple?  “Well, they postponed their wedding a whole extra day, I think another ten minutes won’t hurt,” says Nick.  I guess not getting married the MINUTE you get engaged is "postponing" it.  Anyway, Nick says everything is going to go according to plan.  “Oh, what kind of wedding is that? I’ve never been to one of those before,” jokes Mariah.  Come to think of it, neither has Nick.  Ha ha. 

 

Here comes dashing Noah.  Nick joyfully takes a selfie with him.  “Wow, you are really happy for me!” grins Noah.  ‘You know what, I really am, son.  You can do this.”  Well, it’s not like Noah’s going to choke at the altar or anything.  Nick knows that, but marriage..the long haul.. “You’re not gonna be like me,” he says.  Man, Nick Newman just gave me a feelz.  “You’ve got your head on a lot straighter than I did.”  He knows Noah’s had his moments with Courtney, but there’s no big cloud of drama over them, mostly because Courtney was never on before this.  Noah might have had to walk through some drama, but he didn’t cause it, and that’s a big deal.  And he has love, respect, and trust, and he knows how to use it.  Noah hopes so.  He wonders if this is weird for Nick, being in the park where Avery jilted him.  Nah, he wasn’t that into Avery.  “It’s not like the park is cursed.  Cough*Neil*cough.  It just wasn’t meant to be.  Someone else got to Avery’s heart first.”

 

Avery twists it around on Dylan and says if Joe didn’t keep him up all night, then why is he yelling about him?  Uuugh, he wasn’t yelling, mom.  “You were!”  Dylan rolls his eyes and turns away.  “OH!  And now you’re evading!!”  “Don’t lawyer me,” says Dylan tiredly.  “Don’t dogde me, Dylan,” snaps Avery.  What is going on?  It’s like they never talk anymore.  Unless she’s talking about Joe, I guess.  Dylan says it’s hard to talk when she’s never home.  “Well, how would you know when you’re never here either!” she shrieks.  Dylan shrugs.  SHARON stops by.  LOL  Ummm, is this a bad time??  She wouldn’t have come if it wasn’t important.  Well, that’s just the last straw for Avery.  “You know what, you two, I have a meeting!” she snorts, and races out of the apartment.  “What’s so urgent?” asks Dylan.

 

Leslie says she can’t win this case without Neil’s help.  They need to show the jury he’s a good, decent man who was under extreme emotional pressure.  Neil thinks they should tell the jury he was drunk and totally out of control and yanked the steering wheel out of Nikki’s hand because he didn’t want to go to an AA meeting.  How about that?  Lily thinks all the guilt and shame in his voice is from letting HER down, not causing death and destruction.  He agreed to let Leslie represent him, so let  her do her job. Think of Moses and the twins and let her get him out of this. 

 

Devon says the court needs to see him for who he really is, and not just one bad moment he had. Neil’s a great man who took in Devon when he didn’t have anyone.  “And we can stand you up in front of the court and tell them what a fine young man I took in as my son, who slept with my wife.  They’re going to like THAT set of parenting skills.  And they can hear how I capped it all off by crashing into a pregnant woman and killing her baby.  Yeah, that’ll show the courts just fine, won’t it.”  Lily tells Neil to STOP IT.  If he wants to punish them, just find a way that doesn’t ruin his life.  Maybe get Devon out of his face right now, then.  And Lily, too.  They wanted him to meet with his attorney, so he’s meeting with her, but they can get out.  Wow, was that a boundary?

 

Hilary/Ann has coffee with Winston and says his parents must have had a vision for his future naming him that…Win for short.  Win says she has a smile that looks like a secret.  “I do have secrets,” she purrs, “So many of them.”  Ooo, he wants to hear more about that.  “Take control of your destiny, Win.”  He plans to, Ann.  They flirt mercilessly, and she even kisses him on the cheek when he leaves.

 

Devon walks in and notices.  “Poor guy.  What’d he do to you?  Cut you off in traffic, and now you’re gonna make him pay?  Get him in bed and stick a knife in him, because I know how much you enjoy making people suffer.” In fact, Devon thinks maybe he should go warn him.  Hilary hops up.  “DON’T YOU DARE!” 

 

Leslie asks what the hell is going ON with Neil?  Okay, okay, she does know he’s heartbroken.  Neil says it’s mostly just disgust.  “You’re son hurt you,” she says sympathetically.  Nope, Neil doesn’t HAVE a son!  Leslie says STOP IT.  Lily’s right, he can’t punish DEVON by letting HIMSELF go to prison.  Let Devon testify so the jury can hear all about his miserable mental anguish.  “They’re going to pity me,” pouts Neil.  Welll…they’ll understand you, tries Leslie.  Neil says what happened to that baby was his fault.  “You’re only saying that because you’re in a dark place,” she says.  I guess the concept of remorse is so foreign to the people in this town, they don’t get that Neil might really feel some. 

 

She reminds him he’s also just been through a plane crash and recovery from blindness.  Wait a sec, has his vision been consistent??  “This is the Leslie Taylor Circus Sideshow, where I grab my cane and tap in the courtroom and pretend like I’m blind, right?  Well, no thank you.”  Devon and Hilary already took most of his self-respect.  He’s not gonna pander or beg.  “In prison or not, I’m still in hell.  The view’s just a little bit different, that’s all.”

 

Kevin tells Mariah that Michael freaked out about him getting suspended, and the last thing he needs is more stress. “That’s what family means,” says Mariah, “stress and freaking out.”  “That should be your toast at the reception,” says Kevin.  He thinks he should be at the station searching computer files without being detected.  He wonders more about why Austin was following Jack around with a camera.  Mariah’s theory is still that Jack was covering for Kyle, which means Kyle is guilty of something, and Sharon isn’t.  Kevin doesn’t know about that.  “Hey, you CANNOT side with Summer and Kyle!  Sharon didn’t do it!”  No kidding.  Nick asks what’s going on with them.  Mariah jokes about who will catch the bouquet.  Ohhh, look who it is, Summer and Kyle.  Summer says Courtney had to take care of something but she’s on her way.

 

Courtney left the marriage license at work.  She doesn’t have a middle name in case you were wondering.  She tells an officer at the desk that if she’d forgotten this, she’d DIE of embarrassment.  He walks away without acknowledging her presence…leaving his computer open.  Hmm.  Courtney seizes her chance, and types in Chancellor Park Surveillance Footage.  What a good time to do that.

 

Sharon tells Dylan she suddenly remembered something from the night of the snowstorm, and she can’t get it out of her head.  She drove around, and the whole night was really a blur, but she pulled over on Old Post Road that night!  NEAR THE CABIN.  And she SAW A CAR coming from the cabin with lights so bright she couldn’t see anything else.  But the car SLOWED.  What if they saw her FACE?!  Dylan thinks this sounds like a lot of convenient bullshit that she’s just now “remembering” this.  It definitely doesn't make any sense.  I really just want to start making up an alternate story involving the alien overlords who have watched GC for years, and decided to take over because they can't take it anymore.  Instead, Sharon says there’s NOTHING convenient about it!  If the killer saw her up there, she’s going to get framed for this murder!!

 

Abby and Stitch come downstairs at the club.  Hmm, I’m disappointed in her dress.  It’s a two piece, crop top, seafoam green lace thing.  Lily interrupts them, and omg, her top is a crop top, too?  Except she’s actually showing midriff skin.  At work.  She apologizes for not giving her condolences sooner for Kelly.  He knows she was a real good friend to his sister.  Lily says obviously not good enough.  Kelly needed a lot of support, and Lily wasn’t there for her.  Stitch says she was in a lot more pain than anyone knew.

 

Joe is sorry to interrupt, but Lily really doesn’t think he IS sorry.  She can’t even with him!  But he really does have a favor to ask.

 

The only wedding present Noah wants from Summer is for her to STFU about his mom being a murderer today.  Summer agrees, because she’s got a big heart like that, and she says Noah has never let her down.  In fact, she doesn’t think he’s ever let ANYONE down.  Crap, that probably makes him the killer. 

 

Nick asks Noah if he’s heard from Sharon.  Nope, there must be some traffic.  That must be what’s keeping Courtney.  It isn’t!  Courtney is disovering "things" on the surveillance footage.  “Wait a minute!  That doesn’t make any sense!” she says.  What's new?

 

Dylan doesn’t get how Sharon got from seeing headlights to being framed.  Seriously?  Have you seen this show, Dylan?  The real killer’s going to make it look like she has something to hide!  Dylan points out that she does.  Yeah, but not enough to kill somebody!  The point is there’s going to be evidence to make it look like she did it.  I mean, it’s not like blood or murder weapon evidence, but Sharon Newman was on a road, and the killer knows it.  “And because of MY history, and MY disorder, I’m an easy target!  That STUPID interview!”  Sharon gets upset, and says she never should have come over.   No shit.  Dylan is zero help.  She has to get to Noah’s wedding, and she’s not going to let this day get ruined for him.  Dylan thinks she needs to take a minute and calm down.  “Honestly, I can’t be late for this!” she says, rushing out.

 

Joe has tamed wild Lily into a cuddly kitten, and they meet with Avery to discuss how Lily’s agreed to arrange a gala at the club for the Better Days Foundation.  Which is her job.  Lily’s noticed that if someone’s being honored, it’s a lot easier to guilt them into coming to a fundraiser.  There needs to be draw.  Joe suggests Victor Newman because he knows everyone.  Yeah, but nobody likes him.  Avery thinks Jack Abbott is much more beloved.  “Well, if we’re talking beloved,” says Lily, “I vote for you.”  For Avery.   BLURGH!  Avery can’t do that!  She can’t invite people to come say nice things about her! She's too sweet and humble and beloved.  Joe will do it!

 

Lily says kind, warm hearted, rich people don't exist, um, I mean, are going to want to know about her cause.  Avery gives hope to so many people, blah underdog blah saved the warehouse district blah, and Lily thinks they should call it the Better Days Award.   Well, Nikki saved the warehouse district by sleeping in the guest room, but I guess there’s no award for that.  They say she has no choice, she has to do it.

 

Lily catches Neil in the lobby.  Please listen, if he just rolls over and doesn’t fight the charges, then he’s letting Hilary win.  And that bitch does NOT get to ruin him.

 

Devon asks Hilary what was the deal with that guy, or is she really just going after his father?  “Just shut your mouth, Devon.  You don’t get to be the poor, jilted lover,” she mocks.  “You got what you wanted, and so did I.”  Oh, does she think he wanted to ruin his family and destroy his father?  “Nobody forced you to be with me,” she points out.  “Besides, it’s over, so just save the jealousy.”  Devon says wanting to warn that guy isn’t jealousy, it’s just Devon trying to save him from someone as evil as Hilary.  “But if he’s as dumb as I was, then he deserves you,” he says, storming off.  Hilary sighs.

 

Stitch and Abby get to the park. “Well, this isn’t weird at all.  A wedding, at the park where I was clubbed over the head by whoever murdered my illicit lover,” remarks Abby.  I <3 Abby.  That is why Stitch is right beside her.  Kyle snarks that he thought THEY weren’t going to be there.  Who asked you, Kyle?  Abby thinks she should go greet Summer.  Kyle thinks he should go with her.  Ugh, WHO ASKED YOU?  I hate this guy!  Abby promises it will be okay, and steels herself to walk over to Summer. 

 

Mariah gets excited on the sidelines.  “Finally, some drama!” she whispers to Kevin.   Like their life has lacked drama lately?  “I mean the hair-pulling, eye-clawing, fun kind!  We need popcorn!”  Abby tells Summer she looks pretty.  Good start.  Summer says it must have been scary getting clubbed over the head.  It was, but she’s fine now.  “Well, that’s a relief,” says Summer coolly. 

 

Mariah and I are sorely disappointed.  “That’s IT?  What kind of Genoa City wedding is this?  Shouldn’t somebody swoop in fresh from a coma, wearing a white dress?”  “Because once wasn’t enough?” frowns Kevin. Abby says Summer did a great job decorating everything with dollar store, baby shower stuff.  So where’s the bride?  Nick’s betting it’s a hair emergency.  Noah gets a text.  Uh-oh.  It’s from Courtney.  “Change of plans.  Come to the cabin.”  Well, this is going to be awkward.

 

Good old Winston’s already calling Hilary.  How about dinner tomorrow night?  Let the blackmailing plan begin.

 

Devon runs into Neil in the lobby.  Will he please take Leslie’s advice?  Neil can make his own decisions, thanks.  Devon says Neil doesn’t have to like him for him to take the stand.   Let the jury know what a creep he is, it goes to Neil's state of mind.  Neil thinks he’s just trying to clear his conscience.  “Lily thinks you have one.  Me, I don’t care.  You LOST your credibility, you lost everything, the minute you stole this blind man’s wife, and laughed at him behind his back.”   Devon shakes his head.  If Neil thinks he was laughing behind his back, he doesn’t know him at all.  I think it’s quite clear he didn’t know you at all, Devon.  “You know what, I don’t want you anywhere near me or the case.  Beat it.”  Well, Devon’s not going anywhere, because you’re his father and he LOVES YOU.  Whatever.

 

Lily apologizes to Joe for being a crazy shrew earlier.  He says it’s okay, he has a tendency to be a little intense sometimes.  Lily thinks this foundation is going to make a big difference in a lot of people’s lives.  Oh, it already has, including his own.

 

Avery gets home so she can bust Dylan’s chops.  Are they going to discuss the real issue, Dylan?  “No more Joe,” he says.  “NO, nooo more Joe, because the REAL issue is Sharon,” because I am pathologically jealous of her.  What did Dylan spend the night at her house guarding her from?  An outsider?  Herself?   Or was that just a really convenient cover story?  Dylan’s like whaaat?  She just shouldn’t be alone, and he CAN’T tell her more.  Because then if things if happen, she wouldn’t be able to... “TO WHAT?  I wouldn’t be able to forgive you??”   Nooo, that’s not what he was going to say.  Maybe STFU and let somebody else talk sometimes, Avery.  “That I couldn’t WHAT?  Represent Sharon?”  Dylan makes a face.  “Oh, God.  What has Sharon gotten herself into THIS time,” so I can run cry to Nick about it.  Why would Avery EVER represent Sharon?  And if she did, why would knowing anything stop her? 

 

Noah awkwardly tells everyone that his lovely bride can’t make it because…work.  “Crime never sleeps, and it doesn’t wait for weddings, apparently, either.”  That’s his fiancée, the cop.  Summer, you can whip this up again some other time, right?  Sure, the dollar store’s open seven days a week.   Nick says they can wait!!  “No, Dad, it’s fine.  Maybe the park IS cursed.”  Yeah, so stop having weddings there, show.  Noah says maybe next time they’ll do it at the courthouse and a party at The Underground and hope it doesn’t collapse on them.  It’s not like they’re millionaires or anything.  “I swear, Courtney and I are getting married.  This isn’t the Newman family history repeating itself.  I promise.” 

 

Kevin helps cover and says why doesn’t he take him out for that bachelor party he didn’t get.  Nick leaves, and the Scoobies gather round.  Where is she??  “Courtney wants me to meet her at the cabin.  Something is definitely up.”  Ruh-roh.

[peacheslatour]

I really just want to start making up an alternate story involving the alien overlords who have watched GC for years, and decided to take over because they can't take it anymore.

Well I for one, welcome our alien overlords.

[peach]

Well I for one, welcome our alien overlords.

I set'em up, you knock'em down.  :)

[glowlights]

Dylan looks at a map of Genoa City and has a FLASHBACK to demanding Sharon tell him exactly what she was doing out there when looking for a hotel room.

 

Wait. Now Dylan is having random memory flashbacks? What in the actual fuck.

 

I'm all for aliens if it means Victor is revealed to be a lizard person. It would explain so much.

[IdleBrook]

 

Abby and Stitch come downstairs at the club.  Hmm, I’m disappointed in her dress.  It’s a two piece, crop top, seafoam green lace thing.  Lily interrupts them, and omg, her top is a crop top, too?  Except she’s actually showing midriff skin.  At work.

 

This was a wardrobe wtf moment.  Forget the fact that it is April.  Since when have crop tops been appropriate wedding or work attire?It's like someone thought putting them in knee length skirts for once made made the midriff bearing okay.  

[movinon]

Well I for one, welcome our alien overlords.

Count me in - It has to be better than what we have now.  I hope someone sends them directly to CBS.

[peach]

Mon, Apr 6    Billy’s Package

 

Sage surprises Nick in his half-built office with a new espresso maker!  Yay, I love to buy a gift to make up for a guy yelling at ME.  Even Nick says she shouldn’t have after the way he treated her, but no, no, she doesn’t want to hear any of that talk ever again, and hugs him.  And people say Sharon has problems.

 

So, why isn’t he at Noah’s wedding?  Oh, it was postponed for Courtney’s police work, but Nick wonders if maybe Courtney got cold feet, even though they seem like a perfect couple.  Despite his track record, he would like to believe two people can have a happy ending.  Not if one of them is Nick.  Sage never believed before, except for when she married real Gabe, but you never know. There is sappy, romantic background music, but you’re not selling this to me, show!

 

Mariah says it makes no sense for Courtney to blow off her wedding to ask Noah to meet her at the cabin.  Summer promises she wasn’t having second thoughts about getting married.  Noah says maybe he rushed it.  Maybe?  Abby says maybe Courtney decided she wanted a big wedding.  Good thinking, considering she had zero family there.  Or is Courtney an orphan like most disposable characters?  Kevin doesn’t think the cabin seems like a place to discuss your future.  It’s basically just where you go to get murdered.

 

Deedleedlee!  Group text!  Everyone pulls out their phones.  Kyle holds his up:  “Come to the cabin.  Tell no one.”  Everyone’s confused.  Noah says she must have found something out about Austin at the police station.  The computer!  Kevin says she must have gotten into it to see the surveillance footage.  Maybe she knows who the killer is!

 

Avery’s still giving Dylan what-for about terrible Sharon.  Dylan can’t talk about it!  She bitches and questions and badgers him about what he’s getting mixed up in. She’s WORRIED.  Dylan’s sorry he can’t do anything about that.  “Of course you can, YOU COULD CONFIDE IN ME, BUT INSTEAD YOU’D RATHER PROTECT SHARON!” she shrieks.  Who wouldn’t want to confide in that?  Dylan says the less she knows, the better.  Avery snarls that that’s a slippery slope!  And they both know where that leads.  To…happiness?

 

Victoria shows up at the Abbott manse with the kids, surprising Chelsea.  Billy didn’t say they were stopping by?  Awk-ward.   Here’s Billy now!  They’re all ready to go to the park!  Billy gushes over Katie and her super good mom.  Adam smirks in the background watching Chelsea try to act happy about it.  Off they go with barely a glance at her.  See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!  Chelsea sulks, and Adam comes in.  They’re just one big happy family, he remarks.  “I don’t know how you do it.” 

 

Avery begs Dylan not to get pulled in by Sharon.  He’s SEEN what she’s done to poor, innocent Nick, and Summer, and

Jack.  She doesn’t want him to be her next victim!  He WON’T be.  He can say that all he wants, but it doesn’t make it true.  “The same goes for you and Joe!”  Oh, please, he CANNOT compare JOE and SHARON. I don’t want to compare them, I want to fix them up.

 

“Oh, yeah, you’re RIGHT.  That guy is in a class by himself.  He was willing to shut down the entire warehouse district, affecting HUNDREDS of people, just to mess with my head and get you back in bed!”  All Sharon did was piss off Summer.  Avery’s all, like, SO??  That’s different. “And you see how that worked out,” she says smugly.  “Yeah, he just got SMARTER about it, and he came up with a way for you guys to work together!”  OMG, Dylan, she’s working with a CHARITY.  That instantly makes Joe a pitiable, harmless angel who wants to honor her belovedness at a gala since no kid has died in the last six months.  I guess the Delia Project is on the skids these days. 

 

Dylan’s doing charity work, too!  “I’m working with someone who has NO support network, somebody who’s suffering in ways most people can’t even imagine.”   Avery is miffed, “Oh, except for you.”  YES!  He knows how it feels to not be able to control his actions.  Beloved Avery, Queen of the Underdogs, says he should take a good, long look at Sharon, and get the HELL away from her! 

 

Her phone rings.  She tells some other criminal not to say a word to the cops, and she has to rush off to protect an arrestee that’s way more innocent than f’ing SHARON.  Dylan says she’ll just have to trust him. “The way that you trust me?” she snaps.  Yeaaaah.  She stomps out.

 

Gabe/Adam does his smarmy, undermining act.  He’s just in awe of how Chelsea can keep smiling with all of that Villy togetherness, etc.  Chelsea just finds a way to make it work, like he’s doing with Sage.  Yeah, right.  He just found out Sage is banging Nick Newman.  Chelsea’s like, GROSS.  Or maybe that was just me.

 

Nick isn’t satisfied with just an espresso maker.  He wants to know if Sage talked to Gabe about the divorce.  Not surprisingly, Gabe was dead set against losing millions of dollars.  Sage defends herself by explaining how she’s known Gabe since they were kids.  He and Constance were her only family, so it was the least she could do to help him get his inheritance from that old miser.  But is it worth throwing her life away, if by that he means living in a luxury penthouse with a mildly annoying roommate for two years?  She says it wasn’t much of a life when she agreed to it.  It wasn’t like she was living the dream of dirty floor sex in an unfinished bar with a guy who’s never bought her dinner.  They start making out.  Ohhh, this time it’s on a COUCH that’s thankfully covered in moving blankets and shrinkwrap.  #stillnodinner

 

The Scoobies quickly make it down the block and through the woods to the cabin.  I think you must be able to see it from the rooftop bar at the club.  They look around for Courtney, but she isn’t there.  But her car’s out front.  Noah’s tried calling her but it keeps going to voicemail.  The cell service is sketchy, so Noah’s going to find the cell tower, which makes zero sense.  Stitch tries to stop him, because it’s too dumb, I mean, DANGEROUS.  Noah said someone’s been watching them!  Does he want to end up knocked out like Abby?  Noah says something’s WRONG.  Courtney wouldn’t text all of them, and then NOT be there.  Umm, maybe you should look in the armoire.

 

Kyle notes that she didn’t text ALL of them.  Stitch didn’t get a text, and he was a subject of the documentary.  Which makes him a suspect in Austin’s murder, wheedles Kyle.  Or more like Courtney doesn’t have his phone number.  Stitch says they’re ALL suspects, so STFU, Kyle.

 

Villy watches Johnny play in the park, and they joke about how crappy they all are at sharing.  They talk about Chelsea.  You know how SHE is.  Billy admits it’s kinda hard for her to have their super special family dynamic in her face, knowing he’ll always choose them first.  “But it’s part of the package.  If she wants me, she gets that, too,” he says smugly.  Victoria smiles smugly in return, because who wouldn’t be smug about being part of Billy’s package.

 

She laughs and asks if he’s going to rewrite the wedding vows to say forsaking all others except for Victoria and the kids.  Billy says it’s an adjustment.  Omg, can the killer off these two right now?  Billy says it’s easier now that the wedding date is open ended, and he doesn’t really have to marry her.  “You have no idea what a relief it was,” he says.  You’re the idiot who proposed.

 

So, how are Vicky and Stitch doing?  Ohhh, they’re in a really good place.  Actually, he’s in Abby’s place, but things are going great.  So, did she tell him about how they almost kissed.  Ummm, no.  “Why not?” he smugly asks.  Seriously, I could just add “smugly” to every sentence.  Um, because that would be STUPID.

 

Noah says what does it MATTER if all the murder suspects are there?  Where is Courtney??  Kyle reminds us that FEN is a suspect, and he’s not here.  “Neither is Sharon,” spits Summer.  “Ya HAD to go there,” says Mariah.  SUMMER, who is standing next to KYLE, says Sharon had the most to gain by killing Austin!  She’s the one who tried to incompetently steal Austin’s laptop so Nick wouldn’t find out about the interview!  It would have just been crazy to steal it when she killed him.  “What if Courtney found something Sharon couldn’t explain?!” she bleats.  Mariah says they don’t even know if Courtney found ANYTHING.  Her message just said to meet her up here.

 

“If that WAS Courtney’s message,” says Stitch.  OMG!  The Scoobies freak out!  Kevin says not to jump to conclusions, which is all they’ve been doing since Valentine’s Day.  Abby says there’s only one other person that would want to lure them all up there!  THE KILLER!!  Noah says they need to call the police.  Nobody looks too jazzed about that idea.

 

Meanwhile, back at the conveniently empty GCPD, a black gloved Hand has arrived.  The Hand plugs some kind of flashdrive device into the Mainframe Terminal that’s just sitting on a desk, and types some numbers in.  I think it looks like a car ignition device, but I’m not a criminal mastermind.  The Hand removes the device, and *poof*. All the computers go to blank red screens!  RED DEATH.

 

Back at the cottage, Dylan’s pounding on the door, and he LETS HIMSELF IN with a key.  He can’t find Sharon, so, hey, why not rifle through her drawers and such.  With friends like Dylan, you don’t need enemies.  He can’t find anything incriminating like traffic tickets or Creemy Nood, but she DOES have a call come in on her answering machine.  “Hey, Sharon, it’s Rob over at the body shop.  I’ll get over there and do that estimate ASAP since you said you were in a hurry.  What the heck were you doing driving that nice car up in the woods anyway?”  GASP!  Who the hell leaves messages like that, and I’m pretty sure nice cars go in the woods.  I mean, she wasn’t out four-wheeling, was she?  Sounds like Rob just has a crush on Sharon.

 

Sage looks for her clothes, but Nick is totally willing for someone to walk in and catch them.  That’s what makes it fun. He really has her well-being at heart, non?  Sage is just worried about how it would look for Nick.  He’s sleeping with a “married woman,” and Sharon could use that against him and force him to make concessions about Faith.  Meh, he’s already made concessions.  He claims it was the best thing to do, like it was his idea.  “I know Faith really misses her mommy,” she says.  Well, now she’ll get to see her a lot more now, like ONE DAY a week, and Nick’s realized it gives him more time for risky office sex, I mean, their relationship.  “Is that what you think this is? A relationship?” she coos like a 14 year old.  Yeah, and maybe he’ll even get her out of this dusty storage room some time. 

 

But is she worried about this Tipton guy finding out she’s married in name only.  It IS name only, right?  Yep, and she has a deal with Gabe that she can come and go as she pleases.  Then what’s holding her back?  Is it the vows that super loyal Sage doesn’t like breaking?  “I just don’t like living a lie,” she says.  He knows.  He holds her.  She’s lying to YOU, dumbass.

 

Adam works the Sage-Nick angle, and Chelsea seems overly incensed that Sage is screwing Nick when she knew Gabe wanted more.  Blah blah.  He says there was a time in his life when it was all about fast cars and parties and how much fun he could have.  “What about love?” asks Chelsea.  Gabe was raised by selfish, nonromantic, rich people, so he just believes love is always…for other people.  *sob*  Chelsea hugs him on cue.  He smirks like a little boy who tricked his way into getting a cookie.

 

Avery comes stomping into police station.  A cop tells her the computer system contracted some kind of virus.  “What about the data?” says Avery.  Lol, this is so stupid.  They can’t get to ANY DATA, maybe for good!  No warrants, reports, surveillance footage. It’s all gone!  Because that’s how IT works.  I guess Neil’s off the hook!

 

Sharon gets home.  Dylan, what the heck are you doing in here?  Oh, he just used the key under the fake rock, like every other person who breaks in your house.  She chastises him for not being more careful, she doesn’t want the remaining four people who don’t know where that key is to find out.  He apologizes.  He came to check on her because he was worried, especially after she showed up at Avery’s, raising unnecessary questions.  Sharon asks how she took it?  Oh, fine.  “I didn’t tell her anything.  Other than that you were having some problems.  And you’re a friend.”  Oh, and he implicated you in serious criminal activity of some sort, but he leaves that out.  I’m sure Avery will keep that super quiet.

 

“How was the wedding?” he asks.  Sharon looks at him.  “What?”  “Umm, your son’s wedding where you said you had to go when you left Avery’s so quickly?”  Sharon just looks at him, like what are you talking about?  Dylan is Noah’s uncle, shouldn’t he have gone to the wedding?  Along with Aunt Victoria, and his grandparents?  I guess only murder suspects were invited.

 

Billy notes that Johnny’s already charming the ladies at the playground.  “He’s his father’s son,” smiles Vicky.  Billy is so damn charming that he keeps questioning Vicky about why she hasn’t rubbed Stitch’s nose in that near kiss of theirs the other day.  Assure Billy how it important it was, Vick!!  Well, she hasn’t mentioned it, because Stitch isn’t staying at home right now.  It’s not trouble in paradise, he’s just taking care of Abby. 

 

She reluctantly tells him about Abby being watched.  IN THE HOUSE WITH THEIR KIDS?!  THAT’S why Stitch got her out of there.  Billy freaks that they didn’t call the police, but Vicky says they had no EVIDENCE, so they plopped Abby in the club filled with strangers literally coming through a revolving door all day.  It was HER idea to have Stitch protect Abby next door.  And…she’s grateful for the space.  Especially since Kelly died.  She even suggested he take Abby to go with him to get the ashes, because she really doesn’t think he wants her to be there.  Ha, like when he said I DON’T WANT YOU THERE?  Vicky says she said all the wrong things about Kelly, and couldn’t give him proper support, so she’s a pretty poor partner.  “Vick, maybe you’re just not the RIGHT partner.”  He thinks she’s trying awfully hard to make this work, when…it doesn’t.  Just care about meeeee.  Me me me.

 

Adam drinks it up while he gets Chelsea to tell him how amazing he was.  She was proud of not needing anyone, but she didn’t realize she was STARVING for love until she met him.  You can recognize true love because it’s like in cartoons when the anvil falls on a guy’s head, and he sees stars.  “So, Adam was Wyle E. Coyote, then?”  Yep, she smiles, and I guess Chelsea’s the big ole anvil.  This storyline is about as realistic.

 

She laughs about Adam being the most insufferable, infuriating, crazy man she’d ever met.  And funny, sweet, and so unbelievably sexy to the point she couldn’t keep her hands off him.  Awesome.  Are these two EVER going to make out or what?  No, they’re just going to blahblahblah.  He doesn’t know how she can settle for anything less.  Wyle E. Coyote leaves, and Chelsea doesn’t know how she can settle for Daffy Duck, either.

 

Kyle thinks they need to think long and hard about calling the cops.  Noah says no, Courtney is MISSING!  Summer agrees, but Mariah thinks they’re risking the killer retaliating!  Summer snaps that Mariah's just trying to protect SHARON.  “I just want to stay ALIVE, Summer!”  Mariah thinks the cops will be very interested in a lot of things.  NONE OF THIS IS HELPING, shouts Noah.  Kevin says to calm down and work together.  “YOU work together.  I’m gonna find my fiancée!”  Noah tries calling her again.

 

Avery’s walking through the squad room and hears a phone ringing in the trash can.  Funny how no one’s heard it til now.  She answers it, and Noah’s shocked.  “Avery, where are you right now?!”  She tells him she’s in the squad room, and then hears a piercing scream through the phone!!  The cell phone actually goes “click” and she shouts, Noah! Noah!

 

Abby is screaming into the armoire.  LOL, I told you to look in there.  Noah races over.  THERE’S COURTNEY.  DEAD!  Her headband isn’t even askew, so the killer was very gentle.  QUICK, DISTURB THE CRIME SCENE!!  They ALL pull her out and lay her out on the floor.  Noah wants to do CPR, but Stitch pronounces her ice cold.  Noah falls on her body, wailing, and Mariah tearfully calls the police.

 

Adam strolls into the club lobby, ordering a dozen red roses on the phone.  The card should say “Why would you settle for anything less?”  And leave it blank.  Nick accosts him.  “Maybe you oughta change that to ‘I’m a hypocritical ass.’  Or are you going to try to convince me those flowers are for your wife?”  Nick thinks Gabe is a real piece of work, coming down on him for hooking up with Sage, while he chases another woman.  Adam twitches to stop from punching Nick in the head.  Nick knows he doesn’t give a damn about anything but that inheritance and will do anything to get it, including tanking anyone else’s chance for happiness.  Adam scratches his head.  “Nick I’m not pointing a gun at Sage’s head demanding she stay with me.”  Yeah, but he controls the mastermind of his fake identity by making her feel guilty about wanting a life of her own, even though she told Nick he lets her do as she pleases.  “Well, I got news for ya.  That’s over.  You don’t control her anymore.”  I do.

 

Sage comes smiling and humming back into the mansion where Chelsea tells her she’s DISGUSTING.  She could at least try to hide her tawdry behavior.  She knows GABE didn’t put that smile on her face.  How gross to be sneaking around with her husband’s best friend from BOARDING SCHOOL.  Sage says there’s no point in denying it.  Ugh, doesn’t Sage have ANY COMPASSION for that man whatsoever?  Sage isn’t digging this exchange, even though this ALSO was HER IDEA to make Chelsea feel sorry for Adam with her Nick banging.  Still, she can’t stomach hearing about how “Gabe” opened his shriveled heart to her because he LOVES her.  Chelsea rants long enough until Sage snaps and says she has NO IDEA who the REAL Gabriel Bingham is!

 

Sharon explains that she’s not trying to keep anything from him, it’s just that Courtney didn’t show up to the wedding.  Dylan’s shocked.  It was something about her job, and Noah was really disappointed, obv.  But she’s sure they’ll be able to have their ceremony soon.  She notices a message on her phone, but before she listens to it, DYLAN gets a call.  It’s snippy Avery.  She FIGURED he was at Sharon’s!  Dylan doesn’t have time for her bullshit right now, he’ll talk to her at home.  “WAIT!  Her son’s fiancée was found DEAD!”  Dylan stares suspiciously as Sharon innocently stands there in a not very murder practical outfit.

 

Ugh, MORE of Villy in the park.  Billy keeps trying to convince Victoria her relationship with Stitch is boring bunch of crap.  He especially thinks it’s terrible that Stitch agreed to protect Abby.  Vicky’s like she’s my SISTER, and she wants her guarded by someone she TRUSTS 24/7.  Billy says then he guesses everybody wins.  Smugly.

 

Sage tells Chelsea to WAKE UP.  The con woman’s been outconned.  Meanwhile Sage is going to outcon HERSELF from her own pile of money.  She sneers that Gabe has been playing Chelsea the whole time, pretending to be a victim.  It’s all a calculated plan to make her fall in love with him.  Chelsea says that’s insane, but Sage recaps all the really stupid “coincidences” that have him working at Jabot, living across the hall, and being pretty damn creepy in all regards.  He MADE it all happen.  “He’s been working you, Chelsea, just like he worked you today.”  Kinda like you’re working Nick.

 

Nick asks Gabe what the hell happened to him.  “When did you become the center of the world?  The Gabe I knew was never a selfish ass!”  NICK’S the center of the world, YOU GOT THAT?  “Cuz you’re so perfect, right?  This coming from the man who cheats on his wife after his kid dies??”  Nick says he better watch his mouth.  Nope.  “Then you leave the new wife, right?  And go back to the original wife?  But even then you weren’t satisfied.  Let me ask you a question.   When is enough, enough?  You think you can just get away with everything, you and your self-righteous father?”  Adam’s blowing his cover, but it makes me happy anyway. 

 

Nick’s like this is getting weird.  “When did HE get into this?”  Adam gets really worked up.  “You Newmans are all the same, right?  Generation to generation, always willing to pass blame, never taking accountability for anything that YOU do!  AND NEVER PAYING!  Well, I’m gonna make sure you DO pay!”  He stares daggers at Nick.  While pretending to be someone else so HE doesn’t have TO PAY for what he did.  Lol

 

The Scoobies hover sadly around Courtney’s body.  Wait, there’s something in her hand.  QUICK, DISTURB THE EVIDENCE!  Kevin pulls a folded note out of her hand.  “I WARNED YOU.  STOP DIGGING.”  They’re all super bummed out. 

 

Avery tells Dylan about the murder at the cabin, while he stares at Sharon walking around the cottage.  He hangs up.  “You have the strangest look on your face.  Did something happen?” asks Sharon calmly.  “Where were you earlier?” demands Dylan.  She just stares coolly.  Obviously, she’s the most incredible villain that ever villained, Dylan.  And she’s psychic, too.  She knew her almost daughter-in-law found evidence at the police station, so she killed her and threw her phone in the trash, then threw the bride over her shoulder and carried her off with no one noticing, drove to the cabin, gently laid her in the armoire, and made sure her hair was fixed, and then drove back to the police station so she could destroy their entire system with a high tech virus she had handy, and then came home, in record time, without rumplign her dress or breaking a nail.  She’s not super great at driving a car, though.  Everyone has their weakness, I suppose.

[movinon]

Oh, please, he CANNOT compare JOE and SHARON. I don’t want to compare them, I want to fix them up.

THIS! yes,yes,yes.  My brain has been in the spot since I first saw him - there is no-one else good enough for him.

It wasn’t like she was living the dream of dirty floor sex in an unfinished bar with a guy who’s never bought her dinner.

LOL - that's all I have - she is such a sap to fall for MinuteMan (thanks,boes), too funny for words.

Victoria smiles smugly in return, because who wouldn't be smug about being part of Billy’s package.

You are really on today, peach, and I'm not half through the recap.  Billy's package???  I'm in tears.

THERE’S COURTNEY.  DEAD!  Her headband isn’t even askew, so the killer was very gentle.  QUICK, DISTURB THE CRIME SCENE!!

Honestly, I have to stop here, and put myself back together.  My neighbors can hear me laughing.

 

 

 

Is this recap really this funny or am I crazy?  Maybe I had too many screwdrivers, again. I have to finish this later.

Edited April 10, 2015 by movinon

[photo fox]

She laughs and asks if he’s going to rewrite the wedding vows to say forsaking all others except for Victoria and the kids.

I'm a few days behind. Did she actually say this? Ugh. I can't decide who's more horrible. I think Villy needs to be renamed Vile. When Chelsea is the most decent and endearing corner of a triangle, ya got a problem.

Obviously, she’s the most incredible villain that ever villained, Dylan.  And she’s psychic, too.  She knew her almost daughter-in-law found evidence at the police station, so she killed her and threw her phone in the trash, then threw the bride over her shoulder and carried her off with no one noticing, drove to the cabin, gently laid her in the armoire, and made sure her hair was fixed, and then drove back to the police station so she could destroy their entire system with a high tech virus she had handy, and then came home, in record time, without rumpling her dress or breaking a nail.  She’s not super great at driving a car, though.  Everyone has their weakness, I suppose.

Bahahaha! Perfection.

[peach]

Is this recap really this funny or am I crazy?  Maybe I had too many screwdrivers, again. I have to finish this later.

 

I don't know, but drinking always helps.  lol

I'm a few days behind. Did she actually say this? Ugh. I can't decide who's more horrible. I think Villy needs to be renamed Vile. When Chelsea is the most decent and endearing corner of a triangle, ya got a problem.

 

She really did say that!  I think she said "your ex and the kids," but, yeah, she's just awful.  She DEMANDED they get that divorce, even though he begged, and begged, and begged.  She still loves the begging and feeling superior.  They're both totally obnoxious.

[glowlights]

Sage surprises Nick in his half-built office with a new espresso maker!

 

Okay this officially makes Sage a far superior person to Nikki, the billionaire who told her new-found cash-strapped son to fix his busted espresso maker with a wad of chewing gum. #teamsage

 

So I am totally confused about Nick thinking Courtney got called away for work. I thought she left the high-paced (ha ha) world of GC undercover narcs and was demoted to uniformed street cop? Since when do regular street cops get called away from their weddings?

[PatsyandEddie]

Noah gave that as an excuse. She went back to grab the marriage licence and was lured by the shiny computer screen.

[movinon]

OK, peach - I finished it in the cold hard light of day, completely sober, and it really IS that funny.  I think you have outdone ourself this time.  Fantastic - don't ever stop.

[peach]

Tue, Apr 7   PART ONE:  Stupid And Illegal

 

Dylan demands to know where perfectly coiffed Sharon has been.  She’s like, what’s your deal?  What did Avery just screech on the phone? Dylan pointedly stares at Sharon’s phone.  Is this about her message?  “Will you just TELL ME where you were?” cries Dylan.  Fine, Sharon will listen to her message herself.

 

“Sharon, don’t you GET IT?”  The call from Avery you didn’t hear, the message you haven’t listened to, refusing to tell Dylan where you’ve been?  It all connects you to the murder you don’t know about!  No, she probably doesn’t get it.  She says she has NOTHING to do with Austin’s murder.  “There’s been another killing.  Noah’s fiancée, Courtney.”  Sharon stares in shock.

 

Noah cries and tells dead Courtney that he should have listened to her.  She wanted to go to the police, and he didn’t do it.  Seems like Courtney should have listened to Noah and just married a millionaire today instead of super sleuthing.  Mariah is smart enough to find a Ziplock baggie to put the threatening note in.  I WARNED YOU.  STOP DIGGING, it says.  In case you forgot.  “Duck and cover just got a whole lot harder,” she whispers. 

 

The Scoobies figure she must have found out who killed Austin, and the killer knew it.  Stitch says whoever texted them WANTED them to find her.  “Omg, they’re trying to pin this on US!” cries Mariah.  “NO,” says Kevin, “they’re trying to WARN us.”  That seems counterproductive, because now the police are there, and that doesn’t seem like a good way not to get caught for murdering people.  Drama drums!

 

Nick asks Gabe how he got from complaining about Sage to attacking the Newman family.  Gabe says it’s about them taking whatever they want!  “A man’s wife, a woman’s child, a man’s business…”  “A headmaster’s boat, a grandmother’s estate,” retorts Nick, AS IF that has any moral equivalency.  Gabe probably drinks all the milk, too.  “We’re talking about YOU right now,” snaps Gabe.  Well, Nick is talking about YOU!  “What the hell happened to the carefree 14 yo I knew back in boarding school?   He only cared about ski trips and fast cars and going through his trust fund.  Now you seem to have this ISSUE with my wealthy family?  Where did that come from?” 

 

Gabe has no problem with the money.  “What I DO have a problem with is your old man.  Putting all HIS needs above anyone and anything else, and to hell with the consequences, he doesn’t care!”  Nick isn’t going to defend his father or how he does business.  “You do the exact same thing.  He wants a free pass for all his destructive behavior, and you’re asking for a free pass for sleeping with MY wife?”  Nick’s confused.  To be fair, Victor doesn’t want a free pass from any of you people.  He don’t need no stinking passes.

 

Did I mention the awful two-tone quality of Sage’s supposedly “ombre” hair yesterday?  It’s like the worst dye job grow out of all time.  Chelsea defends Gabe as her FRIEND, neighbor, co-worker.  Sage angrily tells her again that he ARRANGED all of that and is pretending to be a jilted husband.  Chelsea doesn’t believe it!  Then ask HIM if Sage is telling the truth…unless she doesn’t want to KNOW the answer.  Blah argue blah. 

 

So is Sage saying he only wants the money?  “NO.  He wants YOU.  More than me, more than the money, more than ANYTHING!”  Who cares?    Chelsea keeps arguing, and Sage desperately says she’s a talented designer and savvy businesswoman.  That takes brains and guts, so WHY can’t she see through this?  “WHY does this man have such a HOLD on  you?!”  Because he’s Adam, DUH. 

 

Chelsea weakly insists Gabriel wouldn’t con her.  Sage puts her hands on Chelsea’s shoulders.  “Every instinct in your body knows that he would.”  NO!  Chelsea’s bodily instincts have been saying yum, yum.  She says Sage doesn’t KNOW the real Gabriel Bingham.  Lol  “The REAL Gabriel Bingham would never USE ME like this,” Sage says tearfully, except for how he was using her EXACTLY like this. 

 

Chelsea finally gets pissed!  Geez, just SAY IT.  She keeps throwing out hints and innuendoes, so WHY doesn’t she just SAY what she wants to SAY!  “FINE!  I WILL SAY IT!” cries Sage.  “BUT DO NOT SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU!!!”  Whatever, you’re the one losing all the money and probably Nick in the process.  Adam has money either way, dummy.

 

Nick asks why Gabe keeps acting like this wounded party.  Just stay away from his wife, Nick.  “Soon to be EX-wife,” he reminds him.  “And you’ve got your sights on her, right?  And a Newman gets what a Newman wants?  I guess some things never change, do they?”  “Well, YOU sure have,” says Nick.  Yeah, it’s called GROWING UP.  “You don’t lose yourself when you do that,” says Nick. How would he know? 

 

The Gabe Bingham HE knew would never keep a woman trapped in a loveless marriage, probably because he hadn’t kissed a girl yet.  “Well, a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do to get his inheritance, right?  Isn’t that what you did when you sued your old man for like, what, a half a billion dollars?”  Nick squints.  This is about more than the money.  There must be some other reason he’s clinging to this marriage.  “You may be right about me…entitled, spoiled Newman.  But WHO are YOU?  Because you’re not the Gabe Bingham I used to know.”

 

“Courtney…is dead?” says Sharon in disbelief.  Dylan explains that Avery was at the station when word came in.  Sharon’s hand flies to her mouth.  Was she killed on duty?!  Nope, she was murdered at the Abbott Cabin, same as Austin.  “Omg, NOAH!”  Sharon has to get to him right away!  NO, Sharon, you CAN’T LEAVE until you tell Super Dylan where you were today!  People are going to want answers about how Courtney ended up dead, people who consider her a suspect! 

 

“Do you think I killed Courtney?” she asks sadly.  It doesn’t MATTER what Dylan thinks, the police are going to be asking questions, so just tell him!  Where WERE you, and please say you have something to back up that you were nowhere near that cabin!  She doesn’t.  Because she was alone…in the middle of nowhere.  Super Villain Sharon has no alibi.  Sure.

 

Paul comes sternly into the cabin with the EMT’s.  “When one of mine goes down, I’m there,” he growls, kneeling to stroke Courtney’s cheek.  Stitch says there was nothing they could do.  They have to drag weeping Noah off her.  Paul’s sternly upset.  Secure the area and get CSI up here right away.  17 people have already moved and touched the body, but do the best you can.  Does anyone want to tell Paul what the hell happened?!

 

The Scoobies take turns explaining about the text messages and finding Courtney in the death armoire.  They each get one line, because the Scoobies are a brotherhood of equals, yo.  So, does anyone know how she got in there, or who would do this to her?  Nope.  “What makes you think we would?” asks Kyle.  That doesn’t sound…guilty.  “Because Sloane’s cell phone was found in the trash at the station, near a computer.  The SAME computer I caught Kevin trying to hack the other day.”  A) Sloppy killer  B) They only have three computers. 

 

“Okay, people, I want answers, and I want’em NOW.  DON’T SCREW WITH ME, KEVIN.  I want to know why someone would want to kill Officer Sloane!”  A cell phone near a computer doesn’t amount to much evidence, but darn it, it’s time to confess.  Noah stands up.  “Because she was trying to find a killer.”  WHAT killer??  “The one who murdered Austin,” whimpers Summer.  Paul’s shocked, of course.  “WHAT?!”  You guys are so grounded. 

 

Somebody better start talking!  Unfortunately, it’s Summer.  Then they take turns again, starting with the Valentine’s party.  “Someone spiked the punch,” says Summer.  “Someone named Fen,” corrects Mariah.  Then they all passed out and woke up to find Austin dead.  “Stuffed in the armoire like Courtney,” says Kyle, and may I remind the jury that HE was not passed out, but LURKING without their knowledge.

 

They admit that they moved the body outside to make it look like an accident, and then Fen went outside, to..”get some air,” interjects Kyle.  He totally wasn’t burying a murder weapon, if that’s what you’re thinking.  And they found Austin’s body gone.  Kevin says Paul found his body the next day in a wrecked car, and they got a lipstick message from the killer, etc.

 

“We agreed that it was best not to tell anyone,” says Kyle.  “BEST?  Really?  BEST,” says Paul in disbelief.  “It was stupid!  Stupid and illegal!” he snaps.  You idiots have made this case practically unprosecutable.  It’s more screwed up than the Jon Benet Ramsay murder.  “We were scared,” whines Summer.  Great, so they all covered up a murder, Officer Sloane included.  Summer says she didn’t want to, but they made her go along.  Then Abby got mugged, etc.  That’s how Stitch got involved, even though that really has nothing to do with him either. 

 

Kyle says they didn’t [want to get caught]know who to trust, or who would be next.  Paul cannot take how stupid they are.  “If you had trusted ME, Courtney might still be alive!  This is what happens when you take the law into your own hands!”  Noah shifts into full Newman mode.  “Okay, we screwed up, and it cost Courtney her life.  But can we shift focus here, and find the bastard who did this?!” he demands. 

 

Sharon has to get to her son!  No, she NEEDS to tell Super Dylan where she went after Avery’s.  She had about twenty minutes tops, to arrange everything.  But she didn’t make it to the park, did she?  She was planning to, but then, she suddenly remembered something from driving around in the snowstorm.  She saw the driver of the killer car throw something out the window when he drove past!  Because that would be an excellent time to do that, when the only witness in the county was watching you.  SO, on the way to her son’s WEDDING, she drove up there and looked for it in her beautiful wedding attire, hoping it would lead them to the killer!  There was no sign of it, of course.

 

What, Dylan doesn’t BELIEVE HER?!  “I don’t know what to think!  You drove back up to the cabin at the exact time Courtney was murdered, which might be linked to Austin’s murder!”  Does she realize how [dumb] BAD this looks?  I don’t know, does it look as bad as your muddy boots and cut up hand, while you admitted to fugue states and fits of rage?  Cuuuz that looked pretty bad.  Sharon didn’t kill anybody!  Please say you believe her!  Dylan grimaces. 

 

Sage knows Chelsea might not believe her, because it’s not the kind of thing anyone would expect to hear, but it’s the truth!  Then just SAY it!  Sage takes a deep breath.  “Gabriel is...” Ding dong.  Someone’s at the door.  “Oh, for God’s sake,” hisses Chelsea.  IKR?!  Sage says she’s waited this long, what’s a few more minutes.  Sure.  Chelsea opens the door, and it’s the box of roses from Adam.  I guess that could wait, but Sage smirkily makes her open the card.  It’s not signed, says Chelsea.  “Well, that’s something secret admirers do, not fiancés.” 

 

It’s so obvious, HOW can she not see this?  A box of roses totally means your husband faked his own death.  Again, Chelsea demands Sage just spit it out.   No way, let’s drag it out some more.  “If you want to know the TRUTH about Gabriel, why don’t you just ask HIM?  Sage pissily walks to the door, but stops to add, “You can START by asking if he knew your dead husband!”  Chelsea ponders.

 

Gabe tells Nick everybody changes.  Is he the same caveman HE used to be?  Spoiled, little, rich playboy, the kind of guy who could charm a girl into doing just about anything?  YES!!!  “At least I remember my past, except for that neck breaking thing.  You don’t seem to remember anything about yours.  Well, except for this hatred for my family, which I don’t seem to recall.”  Gabe says he’s done a lot of research since then.  You’d think he’d mention his fake father’s SUICIDE which would tend to make a person bitter.  Nick gets a call from Stupid Girl.  She whimpers that Courtney was murdered at the cabin.  And Paul’s going to take them all to the station.  He’ll meet them there!!  “But this isn’t over,” he snaps at Gabe.  Hey, you know where to find him.

 

Kyle tells Widow Travers she can lean on him.  Paul tries to comfort Noah.  He’ll see all the Scoobies back at the station.  Noah weeps.

 

Dylan argues with Sharon about the circumstantial evidence that points to her.  Too bad he doesn’t know about the physical evidence that directly ties two OTHER people to the crime, but Sharon insists this item the driver chucked out the window will point to the real killer.  “You’re asking me to find a needle in haystack, and the needle might not even exist!” shouts Dylan.  But you’re Super Dylan.  Sharon says if he won’t look for it, then SHE will.  Settle down, Super Dylan can’t allow that. 

 

But what about the message from Rob at the body shop about the accident in the woods?  He thought she had that damage repaired.  She did, so maybe Rob was confused!  Well, he didn’t sound confused, and he’s a man, so maybe SHARON was confused.  “Are you sure it was the panic attack that made you skid off the road?  Is it possible you were shaken up by something else that happened at the cabin?  And then the same thing happened today?”  Stress is well known to make people crash into trees.  Sharon thought you were on her side, Super Dylan.  And she’s not going to keep wasting her time trying to convince him.  “I’M GOING TO SEE MY SON!”  She storms out.

 

THE INTERROGATIONS WITHOUT LAWYERS BEGIN:

 

SUMMER:  Sure, Austin was cheating on her, and she thought she DID kill him for a while.  But then she realized she couldn’t have killed him because she loved him.  Ohhh.  Well, OJ loved Nicole, just sayin’.

 

KEVIN:  They were trying to protect Summer, that’s how the cover-up started.  “She remembered having the bloody bookend in her hand, but we knew there was no way she could have killed Austin.”  Lmao.  Arrest her ass right now.  “So you concealed evidence, even though you worked for the department?”  Well, duh.  They were trying to protect themselves.  They were getting threats right away.  Like this note. 

 

Kevin explains about the weird video he found of Austin following Jack in the park.  Okay, why the hell would Austin follow Jack Abbott around?  That’s what Courtney was looking for.  So if they just pull it up on the computer….  They CAN’T!  Someone used a virus to take down the system, so that evidence is gone.  Kevin can help him get it back! 

 

“Did you find anything else on Travers’ computer?”  Ummm…. “Oh, DAMMIT!  Answer the question!”  Okay, he was making a documentary about the Newmans and the Abbotts to expose their dirty secrets.  He found something to get him killed, and they thought Courtney called them to the cabin it tell them what it was.

 

STABBY:  Stitch really takes this 24/7 protection thing seriously, so he guards Abby during her interrogation.  I mean, it’s what Victoria wants, so I guess Paul just has to deal with it.  Either that or they’re accidentally handcuffed together in some sort of hilarious hijinks fashion, which would possibly be more interesting.   My mind really wanders during this show.

 

Abby admits it wasn’t just a mugging.  The killer was warning her to back off, along with lipstick messages.  Stitch says that’s why he’s guarding Abby at the club now.  “Did it ever occur to you to go to the police?” scolds Paul.  Like you would have believed STITCH, the guy who lied about killing his dad, he says angrily.  That’s sort of the opposite of lying about DOING a killing, but yeah, Paul, it’s all your fault he didn’t tell you.

 

Can you believe that’s only HALF of this dumb episode?  To be continued…

[peach]

Tue Apr 7 PART TWO  It's Always Been You

 

Nick comes rushing in the police station, but these cops have learned to scatter when one of these Newmans comes barging in.   Nick can’t believe it, so he just barges on in Paul’s office.  He’s not there, either.   Sage comes rushing in behind him.  She just heard the news…on her police scanner?  She wants to be there for him.  They hug.

 

Chelsea finds Gabe at the bar and lays down one of his roses in front of him.  He thanks her for letting him lay all his problems in her lap.  Call him crazy, but he’s still holding out hope for a meaningful relationship with Sage, like she had with Adam.  “You’re good.  You always know the right things to say, the right gifts to give, the right moves to make.”  Chelsea is ON to you, Adam.  She recites all the incredibly obvious ways he’s been stalking her.  SAGE put all this in her head, didn’t she?  Chelsea, can’t you see that Sage is spreading lies about Gabe to cover up her own infidelity?  “Who are you gonna believe, a liar like Sage, or me?”  That depends.  Is he going to deny he knew her dead husband?  Adam looks pretty busted.

 

Okay, he owes her an explanation.  FINALLY, he tells her he’s really Adam!  JUST KIDDING.  He tells her something much, much worse.   The truth is he DOES want a relationship with the woman he loves.  He came to Genoa City and saw Chelsea sitting in the park with Connor…and that’s when he knew.  “Chelsea, it was you.  It's always been you.  You’re the woman I’ve been waiting for my entire life. I knew I had to do whatever it took to get you, to be with you.”  To get you??  That doesn’t sound like it involves a well in the basement or anything.

 

Instead of running out screaming, Chelsea says, “But I was taken.”  Sure, that’s the only problem with this scenario.  Gabe explains that she wasn’t taken by Billy, but by her love for Adam.  So, he learned everything he could about both of them, EVERY detail about Adam, and infiltrated her life on every level because love. “I wanted to be the kind of man you could never stop loving, no matter what, to the end, through death, even after.”  Right.  This conversation would have me buying a gun.  I mean, is his larger plan here for her to be RELIEVED when she finds out he’s Adam?  Because with this one, Billy’s likely to blow him up AGAIN.  Maybe he really is Wyle E. Coyote.

 

Sage holds Nick’s hands and says she’ll wait with him for Noah, because he shouldn’t go through this alone.  Sharon gets there.  “He’s not alone,” she reminds Miss Johnny-Come-Lately.  Nick asks who told Sharon?  “Not YOU,” she snaps.  Hey, man, he just found out himself.  Well, really, he found out back and the club and drove all the way over her, but let’s not get picky.  I’d be mad, too, if I only found out because Avery Bailey Clark called Dylan who just happened to be at my house. 

 

Sage says she’s so SORRY for her family.  “YOU don’t even know our son!” yells Sharon.  Yeah!  Nick knows Sharon’s upset, but that’s no reason to get upset with his flavor of the month.  “SHE shouldn’t even BE HERE. This is a FAMILY matter!”  Nick says let’s just focus on Noah and hope the police find out who killed Courtney.  “Why’d you look at me when you said that?” Sharon asks all squirrely like.  Um, because you’re standing in front of him?  “We NEED to help Noah get through this, and part of that is finding out who murdered his fiancée!”  And hanging out with my bang buddy.

 

THE INTERROGATIONS CONTINUE:

 

KYLE:  Being questioned about a murder doesn’t dampen his arrogant smarm one bit.  Yep, he came to the cabin to tell Summer about Austin cheating on her.  And no, he didn’t like Austin very much.  “And I told him EXACTLY what I thought about him.  And then to make sure he got the message, I tried to break that perfect little nose of his.”  Wait who exactly was Kyle jealous about?  Maybe he wanted Austin for himself. 

 

“So, I’m guessing you didn’t lose much sleep when you found out he was killed and stuffed in an armoire?”  Not one minute, but he didn’t kill him.  Does he know who did?  “Shouldn’t you be figuring that out,” he sneers.  Oh, don’t worry, he will.  But if Kyle has any information he better share it right now.  “Like what was Travers doing following your dad in the park?”  Kyle grimaces.  DEFLECT, DEFLECT!  If Paul’s looking for clues, check Travers’ laptop, but if he’s looking for motive, check out the woman who gave Austin all the lame dirt he was looking for on the Newmans, and then regretted it. 

 

So…Summer had the bloody bookend and even thought she did it at first, and they all covered it up to protect HER, and Kyle hated Austin and assaulted him and can’t keep his hands off Summer…but it was SHARON.

 

MARIAH:  Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.  “I am not surprised that Kyle said that about Sharon.”  Because he’s a little shit.  Paul says she can’t deny Sharon has a strong motive.  Does Mariah think she killed Austin and Courtney?  “I KNOW Sharon.  There’s no way she killed two people!”  But one’s a possibility, he laughs.  NO.  So, why doesn’t she think Sharon’s running around murdering large people and dragging their bodies to and fro?  How can she be so sure?   “I was raised by low-lifes.  I know the type of people who would kill to silence somebody.  It’s not Sharon.” 

 

Paul seems to think Mariah’s opinion is pretty legit, certainly compared to the rest of these idiots.  “So, tell me who’s at the top of your list,” asks Paul.  “Well, The Mustache and his son certainly had more to lose than Sharon if the story she told Austin became public.”  Word.

 

Noah gets to the station, and Sharon flies across the room to hug him.  Paul strolls out of the interrogation room and is glad Noah’s there to answer some questions.  “Not now, Paul.  It’s going to have to wait.  I’m taking my son home,” says Sharon.  Nick says she’s right, Noah’s in no condition to answer questions right now.  “He doesn’t have a choice,” says Paul.  “THE HELL HE DOESN’T!  We’re GOING HOME,” shouts Nick.  Shick bicker about who is taking Noah, but he tells them he can speak for himself!  “What do you wanna know?” he says.

 

Super Dylan climbs the guard rail on Old Post Road, and starts searching with a flashlight for Sharon’s needle in a haystack.  He remembers her saying if he finds whatever the driver threw out the window that night, that evidence WILL point to someone else . And it’s out there, it has to be!  He sighs at the futility of it all.  But Dylan keeps looking, because Sharon is super pretty.

 

NOAH:  Paul tells him everyone else has said Austin’s documentary was likely the biggest motive for the two murders.  Noah says that makes a lot of suspects.  Paul can imagine his dad is pretty worried about what Sharon said in the interview.  “Well, my dad was buried in a pile of rubble the night Austin was murdered.”  And he’s convinced his mother is innocent?   Noah hesitates a split second, but says YES. 

 

So that leaves the group of people who knew from the beginning…unless there’s someone else he can think of?  Yep…DYLAN.  Wow, that came out of left field.  Maybe Noah’s got a little streak of Faith in him, too.  Paul does a double take.  WTH does DYLAN have to do with it?  “He knew all about this.  Made us tell him the truth.”  Wait, DYLAN KNOWS Austin was murdered??  You betcha.  “And instead of going to YOU with it, he told US to stop investigating Austin’s death.  That HE’D get to the bottom of it.”  Well...that certainly sounds like Dylan.

 

Sharon approaches Sage who’s just hanging out in Paul’s office.  She says Nick stepped out, but when Noah’s finished they are both taking their son home…together.  Sage says she’s very sorry for her family.  “Bet you’re not sorry for the opportunity to comfort Nick.”  He walks in just then.  Sage says she should go.  “No.  DON’T go.  If you want to stay, then I want you here.”  Sure, I didn’t take you to the wedding, but it’s entirely appropriate for you to be included in our family grief, especially if it upsets Noah’s “unstable” mother during a tragedy.  I mean, come on, they’ve had impulsive, semi-public sex TWICE now.  Feel free to watch my son cry over his dead bride.

 

Out in the squad room, Stitch tells the Scoobies there’s no sense in beating themselves up about their total incompetence.  The police are in charge now, and they’ll find the killer.  Paul walks out and says they might have DONE THAT by now if you meddling kids hadn’t interfered.  “Does this mean you’re going to charge us with something?” smarms Kyle.  YES, you’re all being charged with obstruction of justice!!  Just kidding, they’re all free to go because of course.  “Because you can’t legally hold us, “ Kyle oozes, who must have skipped civics class.

 

“Oh, I can hold you. I can arrest ya, but the only reason I’m letting you go is because I don’t want the killer to know the GCPD is treating this as a murder.”  Then the killer won’t know they’re onto him/her, you guys.  Besides the fact that most of the suspects are already in the room.  But Paul wants them to keep pretending they’re covering up Austin’s murder.  And WHATEVER they do, don’t mention it’s connected to Courtney’s!  “Otherwise, one of us could be next,” says Stitch.   This is some outstanding police work, let me tell you.  Good thing Super Dylan’s on the case.  Seriously, he’s their only hope.

 

Chelsea is still talking to Gabe for some reason.  Did he ever think about being HONEST about his psychotic obsession with her, I mean, his “feelings” for her?  Of course he did, he thought about it constantly.  He just didn’t think she was ready to hear that he’s insane.  She’s STILL not ready!  He made her question her feelings for Billy, when it was all just part of his master plan!  “No, I didn’t make you question anything.  The doubt was already there.” 

 

Chelsea insists she LOVES Billy.  “And that’s fine.  But not as much as you love your husband, and not as much as you COULD love me.”  It’s the truth, isn’t it?  She stares, because she just can’t deny her epic  connection to a complete nutjob.  He does look pretty hot and tempting today, though.   Seems like there should be a passionate kiss right now that they then tear away from, because they can’t help themselves, but this show sucks.  “I can’t deny what it feels like to be trapped in a relationship with the wrong person, and I don’t think you can either,” he says.  “Just stay away from me,” Chelsea tearfully whispers, and runs out.  No kissing.

 

Stabby walks in the lobby.  Abby worries that the killer could be there right now, even sitting at the bar, and they wouldn’t even know it.   They know nothing about the killer, but he OR she knows EVERYTHING about them.  Stitch thinks they should head upstairs, have a little dinner, drink some wine, relax.  You expect Abby to RELAX when someone out there has already killed twice, just waiting to strike again?!  Stitch TOLD YOU he would protect you!  Yeah, well, Noah thought he could protect Courtney.  Who was also a police officer and presumably halfway capable of protecting herself.  When Stitch saw her in that armoire…all he could think about was Abby.  They stare.  “I’m just glad you’re okay,” he says sheepishly.

 

Summer comforts Noah, and leaves with Kyle.  Mariah even hugs him, which is sweet, and she leaves with Kevin.   Noah sadly walks over to that attendance board thingie, and strokes Sloane’s nameplate.  Sharon walks over and side hugs him, and then Nick holds him and he sobs on his DAD’S shoulder.  Cuz of Nick’s hero gene, I guess.

 

Super Dylan finds something!!  It’s a tire iron in the bushes!  He uses a bandana to pick it up, and then his phone rings.  Hey, it’s Paul!  “I need you to come down to the station right away.”  Umm, he’s kinda busy right now, what’s this about?  “I think you KNOW,” says Paul disgustedly.  Uh, you’re gonna have to draw him a picture.  “Really.  I believe you have information on Austin Travers’ murder,” he says sternly.  DOGGONE IT!

[pearlite]

I'm all for aliens if it means Victor is revealed to be a lizard person. It would explain so much.

 

Lizard/snake position has been filled, unfortunately--Phyllis.

 

Mind you, I can feature Victor in the Kang and Kodos mode...

[peach]

Wed, Apr 8  PART ONE :  All Bets Are Off

 

Storm Mode in real life has preempted this episode, so I have to use my Kindle, and it just died, so you just get half the stupidity again!

 

Dylan’s still on the side of Old Post Road with the nefarious tire iron, and Paul’s on the phone telling him to get down to the station NOW.  Don’t make things worse for himself.  OR for Sharon.

 

Nick and Sharon bring Noah to the cottage for the night.  They love him so super much.  Nick leaves to check on Faith, but he’s coming back to be with Noah.  Sharon tries to comfort him, and Noah really hates to do this now, but there’s been so much conjecture and theories from assholes like Kyle that he really has to ask her this.  “Please tell me that you didn’t have anything to do with Courtney’s death.”  Sharon’s hand flies to her mouth in shock.  It ought to fly into Noah’s mouth as a fist.

 

I guess Jack’s called another one of his intimidating war councils with Billy, Phyllis, and Ashley in his living room.  Billy’s itching to prove Victor was behind the hacking at Jabot.  “What do you think, Phyllis?  You know about computers,” says Ashley.  LOL  Tech whiz Phyllis says if it was Victor, he didn’t leave any trace.  Jack’s not sure they should be focused on the hack.  He’s certain Victor is Up To Something much, much bigger.

 

Victor and Victoria are laughing up a storm at the club, while Stabby watches from the lobby.  Abby realizes they don’t know about Courtney.  I don’t think they even knew about the wedding.  Abby wants to tell them that Courtney’s dead, but Stitch gets all freaked out.  Chief Williams doesn’t want them talking about the murders!  Just not the DETAILS, dummy.  It’s going to come out anyway, so it’s best for her to tell them. NO SLIP-UPS!  Abby does tend to blurt out secrets willy nilly, but she promises Stitch she understands the gag order. This show does make me want to gag quite a bit.

 

And, oh, yeah, Victoria is actually Stitch’s girlfriend, so should probably say hi.  Gosh, Ben, Vicky thought you’d left town by now.  Ohhh, well, they had to put off retrieving Kelly’s ashes.  “You did?  Why?”  Oh, they just had to do this thing, you know, YOUR NEPHEW’S WEDDING.  Guess he forgot to text you about that.  And then there was that whole murder at the cabin part, and being questioned at the police station, and then room service and relaxing back here, maybe a bottle of wine.  No big.

 

Dylan sneaks in the door at home, with the tire iron wrapped in a plastic bag.  He stashes it kinda right where he left his muddy boots that one time.   Why reinvent the wheel, amirite?  Avery comes out.  Soo, was he with Sharon this whole time?  Nah, he was searching through her haystack.  Dylan says after he broke the news, she went straight to the police station to be with Noah.  And he’s headed there now himself.   She asks what’s up.   Does Sharon need legal representation like he thought?  “Not exactly?” says Dylan. I’d say at least half a dozen people need legal representation, but nobody got any. 

 

“Dylan, if you don’t tell me what’s going on, I can’t help her.”  AS IF.  Dylan notes that she and Sharon aren’t exactly pals.  Would she really help her?  “If you strongly believe in her innocence, I would consider it,” says the child stealer.  “But I NEED to know all the facts.”  Right.  “If I involve you in this,” says Dylan, “you may be forced to go to the police.”  Then make it official and hire her!  Um, wouldn’t SHARON have to hire her?   I guess not, because Dylan opens his wallet and hands her a dollar.  Lol  “I hope you know I charge more than this,” she says. You're kidding?!   How does he think she keeps a roof over his head?  He hands her his whole wallet.  “That bad?” she asks.  “See for yourself,” he says, getting the tire iron out.  “It’s possibly a murder weapon.”

 

The Jabot war council just cannot figure out what Victor’s big plan is.  Billy thinks they should just hack him right back, but Phyllis says it’s not that easy.  Nothing makes sense.  He’s already stolen their secret Hex formula and knocked it off, then  he shelved the whole thing! Phyllis thinks maybe he wasn’t looking for a business secret, but a personal one.  “The Abbotts don’t have any family secrets.  Or do we?” asks Ashley.  On your business computers?  One would think not, but Jack gets thoughtful.

 

Billy jokes that everybody already knows his bullshit, well, except for shooting Adam.  Phyllis says don’t look at her, she’s been on a year long coma sabbatical.  Ashley says that, sadly, all the Abbott dirty laundry has been publicly flying in the wind for far too long.  Billy thinks the Abbott Family secret pool probably hasn’t been ENTIRELY drained, right, Jack?  Jack presses his lips together and rubs his head.  Billy’s going to go try to nail Victor for the hacking, probably by kissing Victoria.  He leaves. 

 

Phyllis noticed that Jack was doing his stress tics, but she gets interrupted by Summer calling.  She can’t understand her whiny caterwauling, so she goes in the other room to talk.  Jack tells Ashley she wasn’t entirely right about their secrets.  Why, is he hiding something?  No, SHE is. The one about her not truly BEING an Abbott.  Her mouth drops.  Wow, this would affect…no one?

 

So, Abby told them off camera about Courtney getting married but deaded first.  Victor calls Noah.  Stitch says Abby had a rough day and should head up to the suite.  Victoria would like to have a word with him, but Stitch doesn’t think Abby should be alone.  She says she can make it upstairs, she’ll still be close enough for them to hear her scream.  Victoria’s ONLY concern with this incredible nonsense is how frightened Abby seems.  She’s REALLY GRATEFUL that he’s looking out for her sister enough to go to family weddings she didn’t even know about. 

 

Kevin got Paul’s message to come to his office.  “I’m mad as hell at you, Kevin!”  Kevin looks seriously sorrowful.  “Are you firing me?” he says in a small voice.  “It’s what you deserve, and you know it!”  But Paul needs him too much.  Take a look at his laptop, why doncha?  Sheesh, the bad guy really did a number on their system.  Paul can’t afford to get any outside computer help, because he’s trying to keep a lid on a double murder investigation.  Computer experts are never called upon for discretion, especially in law enforcement, you guys.  Maybe some outside computer help would have recommended you BACK UP YOUR FILES. 

 

But right now, Paul just needs Kevin to work his magic and restore this bucket of microchips.  Kevin says it’s going to take a while, and there’s no guarantee he can recover what’s been lost.  “If you’re as good as you claim to be, you’ll find out what Courtney uncovered that got her killed.”  Well, if you hadn’t suspended him, he’d already know it.  Kevin looks sad, and I’m not sure he wants to know information that gets people killed. 

 

Noah yells at poor Sharon for being nervous and scattered.  Obviously that means she probably murdered her own son’s fiancée.  “Well, I’m not homicidal,” she says.  “Well, almost EVERYONE thinks that you’re GUILTY!” spits Noah.  Everyone who?  “Summer?  She has an axe to grind.  And who else?  Kyle?  He has a crush on Summer, so whatever SHE thinks, he goes along with it.  And who else?  Dylan?  He has doubts, but he’s trying to help me.”  Not to mention, all those people are ALSO SUSPECTS. 

 

Noah goes off on her about Kevin decrypting the video of what she accused precious Daddy of doing, and now Chief Williams knows it, too!  Well, Sharon kinda hoped we could forget about that stupid video, especially today.  TODAY?  Today is why we CAN’T forget about what’s been SAID and DONE.  Whoever killed Austin probably killed Courtney, too, because she found the truth!  Does Noah honestly believe that she would kill the woman he loves? 

 

“I’ve been defending you, Mom!” cries Noah.  He screams at her for burning down the ranch, and lying about Summer’s father, and she better NOT say it’s from being sick.  That has nothing to do with this.  “ARE YOU REALLY SO MESSED UP THAT YOU CAN’T SEE THAT!” he shouts with clenched fists. Nick walks in and has the nerve to tell him that’s enough, when he learned to talk to her that way FROM HIM.  Btw, show, this is not entertaining.  I can’t wait for Nick to pile on next.

 

Nick says he knows Noah’s upset right now, but don’t take it out on his mom.  Noah says OF COURSE he’s defending her.  Ummm, wut?  Nick hates Sharon this month.  “I’m not surprised.  I mean, you’re just as bad as she is.”  Nick’s at a loss.  “I don’t know where that came from, but I don’t want to fight with you.  You need us, and we need to be pulling together as a family,” he says.  “That IS the Newman family POLICY, isn’t it?!” bitches Noah.  “You commit a crime…you SHUT UP.. and you COVER it up!”  Yeah, it actually works great, idiot, and is exactly what YOU WERE JUST DOING FOR SUMMER. 

 

Nick doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  Sharon asks him not to do this.  “He’s gonna find out anyway.  Too many people already know about it.  They’ve all seen the interview.”  Also your fault.  “What interview?” asks Nick.  “MOM spilled her guts out to Austin,” narcs Noah.  “She told ALL about how you WRECKED that girl’s life back in high school.”  At least he didn’t try to get her to commit suicide.  Nick stares at Sharon.  Bummer.

 

Dylan tells Avery that there’s just a lot of evidence pointing to Sharon.  Avery thinks that doesn’t make any sense, why would Sharon kill those two?  Dylan really doesn’t want to get into it.  Before she gets charged with anything, maybe they can prove she’s being framed!  Is that the case?  Dylan thinks the tire iron backs up Sharon’s story, but Avery thinks it proves nothing.  It could have already been there, or Sharon could have tossed it herself.  It really doesn’t prove as much as a bloody bookend nobody seems to give a crap about. 

 

Dylan says there’s only one way to find out, have it tested for blood and fingerprints.  Well, Avery thinks that’s CROSSING THE LINE.  I guess she went to the same law school as Michael, where you give any possible evidence against your client to the police.  Dylan says she has connections so they don’t have to go to the authorities.  “The AUTHORITIES include your FATHER!”  Dylan knows what’s at stake but he’s still asking for her help.  Well, she needs to know why anyone would think Sharon could commit cold-blooded murder TWICE.  Sure, tell her all about how she tattled on poor Nicholas. 

 

Ashley gets super upset at Jack for bringing up her paternity.  She IS an Abbott.  Jack agrees that no one cares, because she’s an Abbott in almost every way.  Except for the way that Victor can EXPLOIT.  Omg, this is less salacious than drunk balcony diving.  This isn’t feudal Europe.  Who gives a crap? 

 

Ashley asks HOW Victor could use this.  Jack says he could claim they are phonies who have been lying to their customers for years.  I just…this…I can’t… this is really too stupid for words.  Does your mineral makeup not show creases?  Does your lip stain actually last 8 hours?  Will I really see visibly less wrinkles in 6 weeks?  These are the only lies I care about, okay?  And not really that much.

 

It’s even worse, though, you guys.  It could cause…INFIGHTING!  AAAHHHH!!!!   Abby is a perfect example.  Well, Abby’s currently trying not to be murdered, so maybe she doesn’t have much appetite for infighting right now.   Plus she’s going to be infighting over STITCH soon enough.  But Jack thinks Abby would be ROCKED by this, she would be SO shaken that Ashley’s been lying to her for her whole life.  She might even SWITCH SIDES!!

 

Ashley points out that Victor’s known this “secret” for, like, ever.  Hmm, so I guess he didn't have to hack anything to find it out.  Also, is there a file at Jabot labeled "ASHLEY'S TRUE PATERNITY" or something?  Ashley says Victor has too much respect for her, AND his own daughter to be a jerk about this now.  Jack presses his lips together again.  Uh-oh.  Ashley says Abby would be devastated to find out John wasn’t her Grandpa.  Jack says then Victor could offer her solace, so he has nothing to lose.  “Do you think he would hurt me like that just to get our company?!” cries Ashley.  “I did,” says Jack solemnly.  Oh, that’s right, you’re the horrible traitor. 

 

Ashley weeps with worry.  Jack’s just saying he wouldn’t put it past Victor.  He’s taking this to a whole new level.  All bets are off.  Really?  Because I BET it’s going to be STUPID.  I also BET no one is going to take me up on that bet.

 

Victor’s on the phone asking Minion if it worked out with the fingerprints as they discussed.   I guess it did.  We see a desk with a ball clacking infinity device, which means Minion is annoying, and the fingerprint array, with a set of fake fingerprint stick on things, that I guess are like Lee Press-On nails, only for the skin part.

 

Billy shows up at the police station to annoy the crap out of Kevin and try to wheedle him into some kind of favor.  Billy’s even willing to PAY him this time, which is pretty groundbreaking.   But Kev’s kinda busy fixing the entire PD’s fried system, solving a murder, and also being monitored by Paul.  He’s already been suspended once this week.  Kevin tries to explain to Billy that the ENTIRE SOCIAL ORDER is at stake right now, so what could be more important?  Billy’s ego, of course.  “Taking down Victor Newman?” says Billy, with a smug cock of his brow.  UGH.  Where’s the killer when you need him or her?

[movinon]

 

“Please tell me that you didn’t have anything to do with Courtney’s death.”  Sharon’s hand flies to her mouth in shock.  It ought to fly into Noah’s mouth as a fist.

Noah infuriated me - this is his Mother and he has always been protective.  Now, I understand that he's a little upset, with his fiancee dead, after all those months they spent planning the perfect wedding.  I know they've been in love for so long, and we are all so invested in this love story, but he still needs to remember his manners,  I just don't understand him, I guess - I even thought he was a good actor.  lol

[peacheslatour]

 

Ashley asks HOW Victor could use this.  Jack says he could claim they are phonies who have been lying to their customers for years.  I just…this…I can’t… this is really too stupid for words.  Does your mineral makeup not show creases?  Does your lip stain actually last 8 hours?  Will I really see visibly less wrinkles in 6 weeks?  These are the only lies I care about, okay?  And not really that much.

Killer! 

[peach]

Wed, Apr 7 PART TWO   All Roads Lead To Victor

 

Now that Stitch has been reminded Victoria exists, he asks her how she’s doing.  Oh, she’s great, it’s just been strange being so out of touch with him.  But she totally gets it, what with work, and guarding Abby 24/7 in a small town, and Noah’s wedding and whatnot.  It’s really hard to keep up, amirite?  “Well, hey, keep that understanding handy, because I’m probably going to have to stay with Abby longer than originally planned,” he says. No problem, Abby’s security is top priority, and Victoria’s been pretty swamped herself being smug with Billy.  They’ll find time for each other whenever they can get around to it.

 

“You did an interview?” Nick asks Sharon.  She can explain!  Nick wants to focus on their son right now, and they can talk about that later.  That’s some remarkable restraint for Nick.  Noah says it doesn’t matter.  “IT DOES MATTER,” says Nick.  He deeply regrets that stupid incident, and for the record, he didn’t even know it was being covered up!  Noah doesn’t have the PATIENCE to deal with your past mistakes right now, Dad.  “The woman I was supposed to marry, TO-DAY, is DEAD.  And if the past is any lesson, the killer’s just gonna get away with it.”  Unless it’s Sharon, of course.  For some reason, Noah’s developed the Michael Baldwin staccato way of enunciating.

 

Is that what Nick walked in on??  “You think your mother has something to do with Courtney’s death?”  Even Nick seems to think that sounds ridiculous.  Noah realizes it does, too. He’s sorry, he doesn’t think that, Mom!  He shouldn’t have asked her that, but “everyone’s” coming at him with these questions and stuff!  Sharon knows he’s upset, but she weeps that she would never hurt Courtney, OR Austin.

 

“Why would you think that your mother would EVER hurt Courtney?” says Nick softly.  “Because people keep jumping to these ludicrous conclusions!” cries Sharon.  Noah spills the beans yet again that Austin was murdered, too.  And Courtney found out the truth, and somebody killed her before she could tell anyone.  What does that have to do with Sharon?  “Mom told Austin your secret, so now ‘they’re’ saying it could have given Mom motive.”  “They” being the two most spoiled assholes in town who hooked up before Austin’s body got cold.

 

Dylan continues the idiotic course of action of telling Beloved AVERY what Sharon’s been up to.  She gave the interview about Nick’s secret, and the secret doesn’t really matter, okay, but she used it to get more visitation with Faith.  The person who took Faith away from her says THAT is ABHORRENT.  How dare Sharon try to see Faith after being backed into a corner by this champion of underdogs like trust fund Nick.  “That’s not a reason to charge an innocent woman with murder, is it?”  Ugh, this is killing Avery of the Innocence Foundation.  Look, Super Dylan doesn’t think she did this.  Just help him get that tire iron tested.

 

There’s a knock on the door.  Dylan goes to answer it with the offending tire iron still sitting on the coffee table.  And it’s PAUL, of course.  Dylan was just getting ready to meet him at the station.  “Well, you haven’t left, and now I’m here.  Can I come in?”  #muddyboots

 

Ashley sadly looks at an Abbott family photo.  FLASHBACK!  Wow, super young Victor and fluffy haired Ashley.  She’s crying over finding out her natural father was some golden boy at the country club who was probably making it with half the rich women there.  Well, at least he was good-looking.  Is it any wonder she doesn’t know who she is or what she’ll become?  “Tell me, is it any wonder that I’m terrified?”  Victor looks on sympathetically.  

 

Present day Ashley sniffles.  Jack comes in.  Hey, what’s wrong, talk to him.  “I’m still trying to get over that comment you made that I’m an Abbott in almost every way,” she chides.  Can he make it up to her?  He can try.  How about starting with co-CEO?  He doesn’t mention that, but makes her a promise that he will not allow her life to be dragged about in public.  “I will protect my family,” he says, choking back tears.  “My family is what matters to me, in all the ways that matter,” or something.  Not in the CEO way, though.  They tearfully embrace.

 

Phyllis comes back.  Summer is not okay.  Her friend Courtney is dead.  OMGoodness!  Ashley rushes off to find Abby.  Jack comforts Phyllis.  They’ll get Summer through this, and then get back to their wedding.  Phyllis says they have to call it off.  Seriously?  Summer’s HUSBAND gets whacked, and no big deal, but her friend she never sees is dead so they have to call off their OWN wedding?

 

So, can Paul come in?  Dylan looks like a deer in the headlights.  Uhhh, sure.  He walks in, and the tire iron has disappeared.  Avery’s not willingly giving the cops shit, not even for Sharon.  Paul says he’d like to talk to Dylan alone.  “I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” she says.  Oh, geez, says Paul.  Can you believe these lawyer girlfriends?  “You’re already lawyered up, huh?” chides Paul.  Yeah, how dare you.  Dylan didn’t want to keep Avery in the dark this time, so he filled her in on what went down with Austin. 

 

Paul really hates where this is going.  Dylan apologizes, but it really can’t be helped.  Paul thought they had  made great strides as father and son, so why isn’t he ratting out his friends already?  Dylan hates it as much as Paul does.  “Then WHY didn’t you come to me with the truth?  I kinda understand why the kids lied to me, they were scared.”  They aren’t exactly “kids,” either.  And Stitch has his own reasons for being worried about the law.  “But you and I are family.  Admittedly, new family, but we’re still flesh and blood.  Did you feel you couldn’t trust me?” 

 

That’s not it at all.  Super Dylan was worried about the THREATS.  Abby was hospitalized with the threat not to go to the cops!  They coulda done much worse to her.  So, Super Dylan thought he would just investigate it himself?  Of course!  And he’s noticed that Paul hasn’t really enlisted the whole department to work these two murders.  Well, he didn’t even know Austin WAS murdered.  Who the hell’s car was he in, anyway?  That never comes up.  Paul says HE is the Chief of Police!  He can do what he wants.  “Right, and we’re going to keep Summer and Noah and the rest of those kids alive,” says Dylan.  “You’re going to follow up on this investigation, and I’m gonna just—“ “NOT do anything…illegal,” interjects Avery.  That was not an admission of guilt by her client, btw.  “Thanks for that, Avery,” says Paul dryly.  Lol

 

Let Paul give Dylan a free piece of advice.  BACK OFF.  Not gonna happen, Paul.  Look, Paul says he can keep this under the radar and has resources Dylan doesn’t.  Mostly because Dylan is NOT A COP.   “You investigating this case like some VIGILANTE could get someone else killed!”  Super Dylan wants to get this guy as much as Paul does!  “So you’ve already determined that it’s a guy?  How do you know it’s not a she?”  Whaaaat?  Somebody like Sharon??  Dylan already knows Summer’s accusing her for personal reasons.  Sharon is INNOCENT!  And how can he be sure?  “Because she has an alibi for both murders.  Me!”  Now THAT is a friend. 

 

Sharon says she didn’t kill Austin or Courtney.  She was ALL FOR the wedding!  Noah heard her, she gave her BLESSING to Courtney!  Noah knows.  “Noah, look inside your heart.  You can’t possibly believe your mother would ever hurt the woman you were planning to marry,” says Nick.  Noah knows, he’s just so frustrated and so, so angry!  Who could do this to Courtney?!  He sits down and weeps, and Shick comforts him.  Sharon’s also weeping, and Nick looks at her with suspicion and possibly a bit of fear.  Ha.  Yeah, if you’re dead, Nick, she doesn’t have to share custody at all.

 

Ashley rushes into Abby’s suite.  It’s been a tough day for Abby with Courtney dead, and having to talk to the police.  Oops.  “Why were you talking to the police?!” cries Ashley.  Does this have something to do with her mugging.  NO!  Why were you talking to the police, Abby, why were you talking to the police????  Stitch and Victoria walk in, and Stitch says Abby’s the one who found the body.  Why’d you find the body, Abby, why’d you find the body???  Paul is a moron.

 

Dylan says he was with Sharon and Faith at her place the night Austin was killed.  Which is mostly true.  And the same thing when Courtney was killed.  “You know, Dylan, as your father, I’d like to take you at your word.  As the chief of police, I’m going to have to look into this alibi.”  Well, Dylan’s not happy about it, but he understands.  Paul’s not happy about ANY of it.  He has to go.  He has to give a very difficult press conference. That sounds like an excellent way to keep things “under the radar.”  Hopefully Dylan bothers to tell Sharon he gave her an alibi.

 

Paul leaves, and Dylan thanks Avery for helping.  WHY did he lie to Paul about being with Sharon?  To buy some time, duh.  But Paul’s right, what he’s doing is reckless and dangerous, says Avery.  He doesn’t owe Sharon anything, certainly not his life.  Dylan says it won’t come to that, but he can’t abandon Sharon right now!  “But you’re committing CRIMES, Dylan!  You’re lying to the police!  Is SHARON really worth all this?!”  Dylan says that’s a strange question coming from an attorney who’s dedicated to the Innocence Foundation.  Hey, that’s not fair to point out!

 

“Why am I the ONLY one in town presuming Sharon’s innocent?!  Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work?!” he cries.  Avery swallows hard.  “Yes,” she manages to choke out, “presumed innocent until proven guilty.”  But it’s Shaaaaaron, waaaah.  Poor Avery is forced to live up to her principles, though, dammit, and she takes the tire iron and reluctantly says she’ll have it tested.  Victor’s probably slapped Sharon’s fake fingerprints all over it anyway, though.  Too bad Paul’s not interested in the real bookend with Summer’s real fingerprints and Austin’s real blood all over it.

 

Noah’s gone to sleep, but he told Nick that Paul said not to talk about this with anyone else to keep the kids safe.  “Thank you, Nick.”  Don’t thank him!  Sharon tearfully says she knows he’s really upset right now, but it means a lot to her that he believes in her.  “I’m gonna make this really clear for you,” he sneers.  “What I said in front of him was for HIS sake.  To find out you were blackmailing me is probably the last thing he needs right now!”  Sharon reminds him he was trying to take her daughter away from her!  He says she told him that Sandy Allen thing was just between them.  Sharon angrily says she tried to get the interview back, and get Austin to delete it, but he WOULDN’T!  And then he died, and she figured it would die along with him, and NO ONE would ever see it! 

 

Well, it WAS seen, and now his son thinks the worst of him!  Waaah, everybody has to think he’s the best and Sharon’s the worst.  Sharon says Noah’s just distraught right now!  “If you keep this up, you’re going to push your kids right out of your life, Sharon.  And I’m not gonna help you get’em back.”  What a surprise.  He leaves.

 

Omg, Abby found Courtney’s body?!  Why didn’t she call Ashley?!  Where was Stitch, wasn’t he watching her??  “Yeah, he did!  He’s been my rock through this whole thing!”  Abby says she is DONE answering these questions, and runs away into the killer infested outside.  But she HASN’T answered any questions, complains Ashley.  She doesn’t want to upset her, but wth?  Stitch says he’ll go talk to her.  No, let Victoria.  She leaves.

 

“This is more than you just doing a favor for Victoria, isn’t it?” Ashley asks Stitch.  She’s seen all the looks between him and Abby.  He really cares about her, doesn’t he?  Yeah…he does.  It was lot more fun when they squabbled all the time, though.

 

Kevin is now thoroughly distracted from holding up the entire social order.  He takes Billy in the interrogation room and admits he’s intrigued by the challenge of taking down Victor Newman.  For money.  “Great, so you’ll do it!” says Billy.  Wellll, this department project is personal and needs to be his priority right now.  Also, it’s his JOB.  Billy asks what exactly happened here?  Ummm, none of your business?  But Kevin tells him the system was hacked and sabotaged by a terminal virus.  “Seems to be going around Genoa City.  Jabot was just hacked, and Victor’s claiming that Newman was, too.”  Billy doesn’t believe him, of course.  “All roads seem to always lead to Victor,” says Kevin.

 

Paul runs into Victor in the club lobby.  “Oh, Paul?  What is being done to bring Noah’s fiancee’s killer to justice?”  Paul says he doesn’t have to worry about it, it’s being handled.  Super Dylan’s on it.  “Hopefully the investigation will be conducted quietly?” he says, but it’s not really a question, if you know what I mean.  That’s Paul’s intention, which is why he’s doing a press conference.  Victor says hopefully this doesn’t become a circus…with the Newman family in the center of it.  Paul sighs.  “And I hope this doesn’t get turned against the Newmans…for what happened to Christine.”  Do you think he’s including Sharon Newman?  Because I don’t.

 

Victoria comes back in and says Abby’s sorry she got so emotional.  She wants to talk to Ashley over in Stitch’s room, so Ashley leaves.  Vicky says Abby should be safe with Ash for a while, so she can stay and keep him company.  Nah, he knows she’s got stuff to do.  Kthanxbye!  No, she wants to be there with him.  “You don’t have to do that,” he says.  She WANTS to.  Finding time together, right?  Stitch smirk smiles.  Um, right.  Awk-ward.

 

Billy wonders how the hacking attempts could be connected, but he can’t think of any reason why Victor would hack POLICE computers.  Kevin might know one.  Billy gets excited.  “Like what?!”  Ummm, hey, Kevin will look into that Jabot hacking for him.  That’s AWESOME, Kevin!  He has to rush off and follow up on a lead of his own.  Kevin tells him to be careful.  This is turning into a dangerous game!  Billy rushes off, hopefully to get killed, and Kevin frowns and ponders.

 

Phyllis wants to call off the wedding??  She doesn’t want to cancel their plans altogether, she just says NOW is not the time.  Summer NEEDS her, and now they’ve got this stupid mess with Victor!  WHOA!  Jack will postpone things for Summer’s sake, but no way in hell is VICTOR deciding their wedding date.  They help Summer find peace, and then he will whisk her off the wedding they have planned.  Phyllis doesn’t want her fiancé distracted by thoughts of what Victor is plotting!  Then you’ll have to wait forever, Phyllis.  He promises to be thinking only of his bride.  Billy and Ashley are capable of holding down the fort.  Ashley, maybe.  Besides, if they skip town it might foil Victor’s unknown plan.  “He won’t want to fire the first volley without his favorite target in sight,” smirks Jack.  He’s been volleying for a while here, Jack. Try to keep up.

 

Paul RESENTS the implication that Victor thinks this case is being mishandled.  Courtney is one of his own, and he will do everything in his power to see to it the killer pays!  He’s on his way to a press conference to draw the killer in, so he doesn’t need threats or demands from anybody.  INCLUDING possible suspects.  “What the hell does that mean?” says Victor.  “Justice will be served, no matter WHO is responsible,” growls Paul.  Victor certainly hopes so. 

 

Paul storms off, and Nick walks in.  He says Noah’s not very good right now.  Victor shakes his head.  “That poor boy.”  He frons and says he just had the strangest conversation with PaulWilliams.  He acted as if VICTOR had motive.  Nick cave glares at him.

 

Dylan shows up at the cottage.  He says he found the object she saw thrown out of the car the night Austin was murdered.  It was a tire iron.  GASP!  That’s evidence, Dylan!  It could clear her!  She hugs him and thanks him for believing her!  “Let’s not get your hopes up yet.  Avery’s going to have the tire iron tested.”  Sharon is horrified.  “You told Avery about this?!” she whispers.  Yeah, yeah, but she’s bound by attorney-client privilege instead of hate, so she’s going to have it secretly tested for DNA and fingerprints.  Sharon says she KNOWS Avery will find what she needs to clear her name.  Dylan says there’s something else.  She saw the killer’s headlights in her eyes.  That means she’s the only witness to him disposing of the murder weapon.  It puts her in lot of danger!

 

Holy Moses!  Someone’s watching them through the window!

[MollyB]

 

peach quote

And he’s noticed that Paul hasn’t really enlisted the whole department to work these two murders.  Well, he didn’t even know Austin WAS murdered.  Who the hell’s car was he in, anyway?

this is how I know I'm not really watching this show.  Or I missed some episodes altogether.  So Paul just bought the 'accident' theory of Austin's death even tho the body was found in a car?!  (Now I am convinced that the Abbot Cabin is in a side room at Crimson Lights.) Didn't question how Austin got there?  Or have an autopsy?  I just assumed Paul had it as a murder, but low on the priority list since there were so many other events that night.  And no cop house in the world is going to let one guy work on restoring the computers for what seems like days-hell,  call the Geek Squad.  This show just gets dumber as fast as bamboo grows.  Thanks, Peach, for being able to make a fun read out of the nonsense.

[peach]

this is how I know I'm not really watching this show.  Or I missed some episodes altogether.  So Paul just bought the 'accident' theory of Austin's death even tho the body was found in a car?!  (Now I am convinced that the Abbot Cabin is in a side room at Crimson Lights.) Didn't question how Austin got there?  Or have an autopsy?  I just assumed Paul had it as a murder, but low on the priority list since there were so many other events that night.  And no cop house in the world is going to let one guy work on restoring the computers for what seems like days-hell,  call the Geek Squad.  This show just gets dumber as fast as bamboo grows.  Thanks, Peach, for being able to make a fun read out of the nonsense.

 

I know, it's just extra dumb.  So, they have half a dozen cars at the cabin, but Austin wandered off on foot, and then was found dead in a random wrecked car.  WTF?  And Paul sure as hell DOES know that Kyle was supposedly lost in a ravine instead of AT the party, but it's like that didn't happen either.  And Kevin TOLD HIM about the bloody bookend and he doesn't want to find it?  But now there's a random tire iron that's the key to it all.  This makes the music box mystery and the chandelier necklace story seem REASONABLE. 

[peach]

I hope people know I am not mocking cancer in my recaps, I am mocking the awful way Michael has portrayed having cancer.  My husband and father are cancer survivors.

Edited April 14, 2015 by peach

[movinon]

No no no!  Sorry it was just a lame joke.

Damn, peaches, I think you scared everybody.  I saw that right after you posted it and  I couldn't click like, because I didn't like what it said.   I was going to PM you if somebody didn't say something.  You are a rat!  Thanks, peach, for putting the question right out there.

[peach]

Oh, good!  I didn't want to joke back until I was sure!  Yes, this story could cause illness, but it's usually of a gastroentritis variety.  bleeeeehhhh.  lol

[peacheslatour]

I'm so sorry you guys, I forgot for a moment what good, kind people y'all are.  It's a common joke on another site, didn't mean to scare anyone and I've asked the mods to delete it.

[radishcake]

It's OK peacheslatour we still love you!

[peach]

Thur, April 9   PART ONE  The Dutiful Abbott Son

 

Phyllis stayed the night with Sad Summer in the Barbie Townhouse, that isn’t that great, apparently, because she had to sleep on the couch.  Summer didn’t get much sleep herself, in her giant, plush, king size bed by herself because waaaaah.  What can Phyllis do for her?  “Well, you can get married like you’re supposed to.”  Phyllis says that can wait.  But Jack’s already waited so long!  Phyllis knows how strong Summer is, but her husband just died, so she’s not going to leave town with Jack when she needs her.  Summer has plenty of people she can count on.  Like Nick.  He’s at the door and they hug because of their Stupid Bond.

 

Kyle pouts that he has to go see his Dad when he wants to get over to Summer’s.  Jack’s glad he’s looking after that poor kid, but he says Kyle has decisions to make.  He’s been in town for an inexplicably long time, so he is planning on transferring to the HQ here, or going back to New York?  Because I guess baby Abbotts can just do whatever they want at the company.  “C, actually.  None of the above,” he smirks.   Jack says he needs to plan for the future.  He’s got real aptitude for business and could do great things at Jabot.  Also, it’s called not being a putrid, lazy slacker.  Even Billy “works” there sometimes.

 

LOOK, Dad, just because he’s good at something doesn’t mean he’s passionate about it, he snaps.  Wah.  It HIS life, HIS decisions, YOUR money he inherited.  What’s the big rush, anyway?  “Because our family, our company is being threatened,” says Jack.  IOW, your gravy train, Kyle.  And I’m sure this smarmy punk who went AWOL from the New York office will be a big asset in saving it.

 

Leslie sits at the ranch going over Neil’s case with Victor and Nikki.  He gets a call, and she says it’s probably yet another reporter wanting to know how his family is taking Courtney’s death.  “Just proceed, K,” he says, while hovering back and forth.  Leslie asks Nikki about Neil’s state of mind over being abducted to an AA meeting.  Nikki says if somebody did that to her, she would have gone ballistic herself.  “So when Neil lashed out at you in the car while you were driving, how did you react?”  “Okay, sweetheart, that’s it.  Not another word, K?” says Victor. 

 

Hey, it’s Anita, looking fresh faced!  She’s helping Chelsea move back into the penthouse while Billy’s on a business trip for Jabot.  Turns out they could have moved in a lot sooner if it hadn’t been for Gabe, complains Chelsea.  The Gabe that saved Billy and her precious Connor when the building was on fire?? Yep.  Good thing he was obsessed with you, or your kid would be dead.  Chelsea hems and haws about Gabe, and then says it wasn’t something awful he did, like stalking her relentlessly like a real insano, but he told her…he has feelings for her.  GASP!  FEELINGS?!  “You know, I think this man got under your skin,” grins Anita.  It’s not half that interesting, Anita.

 

Adam confronts Sage in the club dining room and chews her out for not coming home last night after royally screwing him over with Chelsea.  “What were you THINKING telling her every single thing?”  He looks reaaally good in a black suit and white shirt.  Sage was thinking of being poor.  “I didn’t tell her everything,” she snaps.  Well, ya told her enough to ruin his plan!  “She must have really laid into you.  GOOD!  You deserved it!” sneers Sage.  She is really pissed off again from some reason. 

 

Great, now Mr. Tipton interrupts.  “When are the two of you going to admit that this marriage is just a sham? Seems like I arrived just in time, although this conflict between you is certainly nothing new.”  Hmm, my first year of marriage looked a lot like this, actually, lol.  But not as fancy.  Adam says this is just your garden variety marital argument, but the good news is they’re moving back into their condo today!  “Is that true?” Tipton asks Sage.  “NO!”  YES!  “NO!  I’ve gotten my OWN PLACE, and I’m filing for divorce,” she says angrily.  Adam frowns at her like she just said she’s into Justin Bieber.

 

Adam says Sage is just a little upset, no need to get hasty.  He pulls Sage to the side where she spouts that she is NOT LYING anymore.  Sure, she spent over a year pretending you were Gabriel, aiding and abetting a criminal, finding surgeons to rebuild your body and give you a new face, and painstakingly nursed you back to health, forging your fake identity, and tricking you to fulfill her earlier scheme of marrying Gabe to control a large fortune for years to come.  But the way he’s playing with Chelsea’s emotions and treating Sage, she is DONE with this twisted arrangement!  She’d much rather be unemployed in Greenland or something. 

 

“I’ve MET someone I barely know, that I fell for, that WANTS me.  I AM LEAVING, so DEAL with it!!!”  Omg, Adam will do ANYTHING, Sage, he’ll even be NICE to you!  Just please don’t do this!  Sage glares at him.  Then she walks up to Tipton.  “This man does not deserve his inheritance, this marriage is a sham, and I want out.”  Have fun being a bartender for the rest of your life.  “An honest answer at last,” snips Tipton.  “I’ll go draw up the papers to terminate your inheritance,” he gloats.  Fine, go marry someone else.  I’m sure you can find someone on Craigslist.  Tipton walks out, and Sage starts to leave, but Adam grabs her arm.  “You think you’re gonna walk out of here after what you just did?!”

 

Sad Nick tells Sad Summer that Sad Noah is really torn up.  It’s not helping that the media is hounding the whole family.  The real victim here is Summer, of course.  Nick can’t imagine what this has been like for her.  IKR, she helped Courtney get ready for the wedding.  How can Nick help Summer with all her pain?  Just being there helps, like Mom did, and Kyle’s been super helpful, too.  Nick’s like, hmm, Kyle?  Oh, yeah, if hadn’t stopped sniffing around after Austin died, she wouldn’t have made it.  He frowns slightly.  Omg, is Nick actually going to be suspicious of the correct person?!  I guess it takes a horndog, trust fund jackass moving in on a damsel in distress to know one.

 

Kyle’s done talking to his dad about his trifling executive position.  SUMMER is his priority, okay?  Phyllis just came from there.  Summer only had one request…for them to please get married.  “Her heart is breaking, and she’s thinking of you,” says Jack, in awe.  Summer is so freaking GENEROUS, you guys!  Kyle’s like good for you, buh bye.  WAIT A MINUTE, this threat Jack is warning you about is VICTOR.  He’s gunning for Jabot!  Oh em gee.  Kyle rolls his eyes.  “Hostile takeover?”  He’s so over it.  But it’s time to rally around the Jabot flag, Kyle, and make sure this doesn’t happen by ANY means necessary! 

 

Kyle snarks and sneers like the first guy to get gruesomely killed in any slasher movie.  “Great, another chapter in the neverending war between the Abbotts and the Newmans.”  What…Ever.  Jack can’t use this as an excuse to heap all his expections on him! Now, where’s my Porsche?  Jack says he’s a grown man.  “And an obvious disappointment!” he whines.  “Maybe I’m just not the son you THOUGHT I’d be!”  Jack and Phyllis are like, what the hell, Kyle?  Jack’s just saying he’s a grownup member of the family now, and every once in a while, he has to help out.  What’s that supposed to mean?

 

Like tonight, for instance, he can show up at this charity event at the club.  He’d like Kyle to be there to represent the family.  Kyle heaves a sigh.  OMG, it’s so much PRESSURE to go to a party.  “FINE.  I’ll be there.  I wouldn’t want to embarrass the family of the great Jack Abbott, now would I?” he says melodramatically.  So far, Adam is a lot more like Gabriel Bingham than this kid is like Kyle Abbott.  He leaves, and Jack just grimaces at Phyllis.  Kids!

 

Devon runs into Neil at Crimson Lights.  He wants Neil to know he’s going to meet with the PROSECUTOR and explain why he needs to cut Neil a break.  Wow, I hope he means a bribe, because otherwise that’s Leslie’s job.  Neil does NOT want Devon’s idiotic interference!  Devon’s not interfering, he’s just making sure the guy knows the truth. (Just like he wasn’t cheating, he was just “in love.”) Let Neil give him some truth.  “You’re naïve, you’re immature, you’re disrespectful.  Do you understand that Christine’s team is gunning for me, and nothing you say is going to change their minds?” Well, Devon can TRY.  They notice Hilary across the room, so Neil leaves.

 

Devon walks up to her.  Why does he want to see her?  He wishes he never had to again, but he wants her to come to the ADA and whine about they made Neil drink and crash cars into pregnant DA’s.  Hilary mockingly says if he feels that guilty, go waste the guy’s time and make a fool out himself.  Just don’t expect her to back him up. 

 

Devon knows she doesn’t give a damn about them, but she must care about the divorce settlement.  If Neil gets found guilty, he’ll lose his money in a civil suit, and she won’t get crap.  Considering they were married for less than a year, she probably won’t get crap anyway, and newsflash for Devon, you can still lose a civil suit even if you’re acquitted.  See:  OJ Simpson.  Nice try, but Hilary’s not interested.  Neil’s hotshot attorney will get him off the hook, and then they’ll split up, happily ever after.

 

“Darling, I wish you wouldn’t meddle,” Nikki tells Victor.  He asks Leslie where she’s going with this line of questioning.  Oh, they’re not in court, Victor.  “We’re certainly not.  And you’re not Nikki’s attorney, are you?  I have a feeling you’re conjuring up some scenario whereby Nikki would look very bad.”  Hmm, what scenario is that.  Oh, come on.  She knows what he’s talking about.  Something like Nikki wasn’t driving too well, Neil was worried, tried to take the wheel?  It would make him look good in the eyes of the jury, and make his wife look bad.  “That’d be an interesting way to go,” says Leslie noncommittally.  Well, if she wasn’t going to do that before, she probably is now.  Victor has to think for everybody, I swear.  Time for Leslie to go. 

 

“I don’t want you to talk to her anymore, K?” he tells Nikki.  “And I don’t want YOU to tell me what I can and cannot DO anymore!”  That Woman is not your friend!!  Nikki purses her lips. 

 

Nick says he’s glad Summer has Kyle looking out for her.  He wishes he could go back to last year and spare her all that incest anguish.  What about me?  What about MY anguish, Nick?  Summer says they can only look forward, not back.  “When did you get so wise?” asks Nick.  Ummm…never?  I admit she’s been dialing back the hysteria lately, so credit where it’s due and all. 

 

“Sometimes I feel like the oldest 20 year old on the planet,” she says in the sunroom of her free penthouse.  “You’ve lost so much,” he says.  So did Nick, his whole future blew up on him, but he’ll get through somehow with cheap floor sex and needy women.  Somehow Summer will pull through Courtney’s death with her awesome parents, and Kyle.  “I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of you, Stupid Girl.”  They hug.

 

Kyle shows up.  Nick’s glad Summer has a friend that isn’t dead right now.  Summer can always count on him, Nick.  He leaves.  Summer tells Kyle she’s hanging in there, she feels pretty lucky to have such great parents.  Kyle whines about his own heartbreaking problems, like his Dad being “all over him” about everything from his career to micromanaging where he goes tonight.  This should be real fun, he’s supposed to put on a suit and go to some charity party as the “dutiful Abbott son,” he complains bitterly.  I mean, he’ll GO, but ugh, he has zero interest.  I guess it’s better than getting your hands chopped off for not working in African diamond mines, or being murdered by ISIS, but these events are soooo boring.  Wait, not if the Widow Travers goes with you!!  Kyle looks delighted.

 

Jack’s bummed out after that father-son bonding conversation.  Phyllis says it might not have been the best time to bring up work to someone who hasn’t worked since Valentine’s Day.  He’s worried about Summer.  Jack gets that.  “But when Victor is on the war path, I want to keep my people CLOSE to me!  ESPECIALLY Kyle.  I want to keep him on the right path!”  “Your path,” says Phyllis, “not his.”  Now she’s starting to sound like him!  ONLY because she tried to control Daniel and Summer.  They have to make their own choices.
Jack just doesn’t want Kyle making the same mistakes as Billy.  “Billy turned his life around!” says Phyllis.  He’s not gambling, he’s loyal to the family, he’s engaged to Chelsea… “the kid has it all!”  Like wrinkles and arthritis.  Jack just hopes he doesn’t fall back on old habits when things get tough.  Because Jack thinks he’s facing a major battle ahead.

 

Chelsea has to go to the office for a bit.  Anita reads a tabloid and hopes Chelsea comes back in a better mood so they can dish about her admirer!  Chelsea gasp talks that Anita needs to get it through her head that she and Billy are Very Much In Love.  How could she be interested in anybody else?!  Calm down!  She just wants to dish!  “I’m not suggesting you switch horses!  It’s just that the way you talk about Gabe, he sounds like some kind of hero!”  And she did hear he inherited a massive fortune. 

 

Chelsea rolls her eyes.  Oh come on, it’s not like they’re all not loaded, chides Anita.  She’s just saying what girl wouldn’t be flustered when a man like that takes interest in her.  “A MARRIED man, who LIED to me,” reminds Chelsea.  Who was supposed to be her FRIEND.  No, she’s focused on planning a wedding with the man she loves.  Hey, how IS that planning going?  Actually she’s put it off, but now she’s changed her mind again and wants to get married right away.  All Anita wants is for her baby girl to be happy.

 

Adam drags Sage to the bar and yells at her for destroying everything and sending millions of dollars out the door.  She doesn’t CARE about that money anymore!  She never did with Gabe!  NO amount of money is worth being around Adam, NOTHING is worth her freedom!  Sage, Adam NEEDS that money to live Gabe’s life and get Chelsea back.  “You’re a highly paid executive, you’ll figure it out!” she snaps. 
“You’ll have to WORK for that money now.  And you didn’t deserve ANY of that money.  Nothing you have done EVER has allowed you ANY PRIVILEGE of the Bingham name or estate!” she hysterically shouts about the people who left her with NOTHING.  He did save two people from a burning building, just sayin.’

 

“I haven’t done anything?  Are you KIDDING ME right now?!  You go to hell!”  He turns around and orders a BIG scotch.  “Don’t worry about it, honey, you’re gonna be just fine.  You’re free of your ball and chain, you can pursue Chelsea full out.  If you haven’t already lost her, too,” she sneers, and storms out.  You know who’s not a highly paid executive?  Sage.

 

Victor tells Nikki again that That Woman is not her friend.  Well, Neil IS.  And they are both indebted to him because he went to the authorities.  Now they’re going after HIM instead of Nikki. Victor’s like, RIGHT!  She never should have covered for him in the first place.  Neil told the truth and that’s great!  He’s an honest man.  But you do NOT trust his ATTORNEY!  Geez, does he have to explain EVERYTHING?!

 

Nikki understands that she’s building a defense, but she needs to know the whole truth!  “Are you really this gullible?  Since WHEN are attorneys interested in finding out THE TRUTH?  They don’t giveadamn!  They wanna get PAID and win the case!  The only time the truth lights up their eyes is when they can use it to turn the case around, and make YOU look guilty!”  Nikki rolls her eyes.  Sorry, but he’s right. 

 

Devon follows through on his stupid plan of whining to Winston Mobley that Neil’s been through so much because of This Woman… “I don’t know a better word to describe her than EVIL.”  Of course, Devon was happy to tap that evil until she dumped him.  “She set out to destroy my family, and then gloated after she did.”  The only reason he’s telling Mobley is because Neil is a good and great man.  What he went through was too much for him, and he’s been living in his own personal hell ever since.  It WAS an accident.  If anyone doesn’t deserve to go to prison, it’s his dad.

 

Winston’s like, cool story, bro.  But he’s looking to get justice for the parents of that unborn child.  And when the jury comes back with a guilty verdict, he WILL be asking for the maximum sentence.  Devon smirks.   Thanks for nothing.  He leaves.  Hilary was eavesdropping on the terrace, and calls Winston from five feet away.  It’s time to put her plan into overdrive.  She wants to move that date tonight to her suite.

[movinon]

 

“Billy turned his life around!” says Phyllis.  He’s not gambling, he’s loyal to the family, he’s engaged to Chelsea… “the kid has it all!”  Like wrinkles and arthritis.

This cracked me up so much - Phyllis looks years younger than Old Ass Billy.  Great recap, peach, built on a foundation of nothing but shit - I don't know how you do it.  

Edited April 14, 2015 by movinon

[PatsyandEddie]

Peach, you are amazing and deserving of heaps of praise! You are spinning shit into GOLD ! You and banana have such a way with words!

[peach]

Thur, Apr 9   PART TWO   Smithereens

 

Neil’s drinking scotch at the GCAC bar.  Not good.  I see he doesn’t hate Devon enough to stay out of his club and drink his free liquor. 

 

Nick runs into Sage in the lobby.  He says things are pretty rough for Noah and Summer.  It meant a lot to him that she insinuated herself into that at the police station.  But he forgot to warn her about Gabe.  The two of them had words, and he didn’t want Gabe to come home and unload that on her.  Sage smiles brightly and says he didn’t get the chance, because she MOVED OUT!  She packed her bags and ended this farce of a marriage and financial security.  Wow, congratulations.  What finally made her go through with it?  “You!” she says, grinning like a fool.  Way to play it cool.  Nick grins back because he wins.

 

Frustrated Adam goes to Chelsea’s and is surprised to see Anita at the door.  HEY, she remembers him!  He bought Connor a cupcake on New Year’s Eve.  That’s great.  The thing is, he’s Gabriel Bingham, and – “YOU’RE Gabe?!” cries Anita.  COME RIGHT IN!  Chelsea’s not there, so it gives her a chance to ask him what he was thinking, making a play for her daughter??  She’s madly in love with another man!  “Yeah, I know.  Her late husband, Adam Newman.”  Whaa?  Why would he say that when she’s happy now with Billy? 

 

Gabe’s glad she asked.  He sits her down for some schmooze talk about how he’s spent a lot of time with them, and honestly, he doesn’t like what he’s seeing.  To be frank, it seems like Billy’s still  hung up on his ex-wife, and would run right back to her if she were available.  It scares him, Anita.  She smirks, but positively.  “And assuming you were free, you think you’d be a better match for Chelsea?”  Absolutely!  “You are SO cocky!” she laughs.  “What do you think you can offer her?”  Oh, exactly what her late husband offered her.  Love, security, compassion, amazing abs. 

 

He’s heard the stories and knows that guy made a lot of mistakes, but he knows they were dedicated to each other.  She was the love of his life,  and vice versa, and if that man walked through this door right now, he’d do everything in his power to make things right and win her back again.  Anita’s not so sure Chelsea would forgive him.  Oh, she absolutely would.  Gabe is sure of THAT.  Which is sort of why HE is there, he’s seeking a little forgiveness himself…  Chelsea walks in, on her phone.  She stops short when she sees Gabe.  “What are you doing here?  I told you to stay away from me!

 

Guess what, Victor, Nikki thinks she can handle Neil AND Leslie, isn’t she amazing?  She doesn’t need him hovering over her!  He’s upset with HER over telling the truth, yet he won’t tell her a WORD about what he’s up to concerning Jabot.  “Can we stop fighting for heaven’s sake?  I’m sick and tired of fighting with you!” he says. This family has so much on its plate, they don’t need to fight.  Nikki agrees because her attention is easily diverted by him. 

 

She bemoans having to put smiles on their faces and go to this stupid benefit tonight.  Ugh, is she going??  YES!  It’s for a good cause, and he knows the Abbotts will there in full force.  Victor rolls his eyes, like, a lot.  Nikki doesn’t want any tension.  Victor smiles and says he’ll surprise her and be on his best behavior.  She’ll believe that when she sees it.  He cackles and they hug. 

 

Jack blusters to Phyllis that they need to be ready for whatever Victor throws their way, and they WILL be.  “Once the Black Knight is vanquished, I look forward to a bright future with my gorgeous bride.”  You know, Jack, the best defense is a good offense, but I guess you still won’t use Adam to attack Victor because this show is LAME.  “Does this bright future possibly include some FUN?” asks Phyllis.  Good luck with that.  “Maybe a vacation now and then?  Or are you planning on ruling the cosmetics world until you draw your last breath?”  Phyllis, didn’t you just go on vacation for a year?  Hey, Jack’s NOT in slow down mode, but he knows what she’s asking.  Once they’re past this crisis, he promises to travel with his bride. 

 

Long term, he wants to groom Kyle to run the company, like his dad did for him!  Again, Phyllis says that may not be what Kyle wants.  “Remember, Jabot is not what brought him home.”  Slacking with lazy ass Summer did.  “I just want, one day, the family company to mean as much to Kyle as it does to me!”  Hey, remember ABBY?  Didn’t think so.

 

Kyle didn’t think the Widow Travers would up to going out after, you know, everything that’s happened.  But beloved Aunt Avery’s getting a made up award tonight, so Summer’s willing to forget her crushing losses of fifteen minutes ago, and go out.  “Plus I’ve been spending so much time alone lately, crying and freaking out over whoever’s after us.  So it would be nice to get my mind off of it.”  Summer must define “being alone” like Billy does.  A good five or ten minutes and she's desperate for attention again.  Kyle says Paul did tell them to act normal and not act like they were being watched, or that, like, someone’s husband actually died the other day.  Great!  Kyle will pick her up later!  Special guitar music because this is SOOO romantic!

 

Chelsea throws her purse down. “LEAVE!  NOW!”  Whoa, whoa, whoa, sweetie, the hot, rich man just came to apologize!  “The least you can do is listen to him.  I mean, heaven knows your heart has made you do some pretty questionable things,” says Anita.  Okay, Mom, thanks for watching Connor, now get out.  Chelsea doesn’t appreciate Gabe using Anita to get close to her!  Just let him explain.  “You already told me everything I need to know!” says Chelsea.  “I didn’t tell you everything,” says Adam quietly.  And he probably still won’t.

 

Sage and Nick sit at the bar where she proudly tells him about telling Gabe she wanted a divorce, and Tipton that she wanted to be poor.  So what happens now?  Well, she got a room upstairs in a luxury hotel, and that’s as far as she’s gotten.  Nick knows she’ll figure out, and he’s proud of her.  He figures it’s got to be a little daunting to end things with Gabe now, after he was such an important part of her life(style).  Nope.  Gabe’s her past now, and she’s so relieved.  “Now there’s no more obstacles in living the life I want to live,” she purrs seductively, except for, like, money.  Nick leans in.  “Are you absolutely sure you’re ready to move on?” he flirts.  She’s never been more sure of anything, she says, stroking his lip. Gross.  Let me guess, they’re going to give Sage of zero life experience Kelly’s job to keep her in all the club scenes.  Or she’ll just live on Monopoly money like half of them do, plus tips from The Underground.

 

Adam decides to make lemonade with Sage’s lemons.  He pours out to Chelsea that he and Sage are done!  They told the estate planner, and it’s over.  THAT’S how much she means to him!  “But your inheritance?” worries Chelsea.  “I don’t CARE about my inheritance.  Nothing matters as much as you do to me.  See what I’m doing here?  I’m FIGHTING for you!”  Chelsea gets all teary eyed and confused.  “That’s more than I can say for your paper fiancé!  Where is HE? What the hell did he do, he left town??”  I think you mean cardboard fiancé. 

 

Chelsea starts weeping, and is too overcome to speak.  Adam’s like wait, is something ELSE wrong?  “What happened? Did you two get in a fight or something?”  She’s very upset.  He didn’t do anything, she just wishes Billy was here, especially today.  Adam worries.  “It’s not any of your business, Gabriel, just PLEASE LEAVE!”  Chelsea, wait!  “NO!  YOU DON’T GET TO BE A PART OF MY LIFE ANYMORE!”

 

Win Mobley’s relaxing in Hilary’s suite while she massages his shoulders.  Tough day, Win?  Ugh, he told this defendant’s son that he’s throwing the book at his dad.   “Ouch,” says Hilary.  Someone needs to throw a book at Devon’s head.  The whole family’s a mess, gossips Win.  “The wife of the guy I’m prosecuting sounds like a real piece of work.  Seduced the man’s son out of revenge.  She ought to be on trial right alongside her husband.”  I guess the man’s son just made an innocent mistake.  Hilary grimaces to herself, but let’s see if this piece of work can take your mind off allll that, you sexist bastard.  He happily lets her kiss his ear and unbutton his shirt because he’s dumb.

 

Nikki earnestly talks to Neil at the club while he drinks.  He has enough problems, she really thought he’d stop drinking after the accident!  Um, he’s an alcoholic.  This better not be some ploy to get him to an AA meeting again.  But she would LOVE to take you!  “Maybe we can mow down an entire family this time,” grouses Neil.  Stop with the sick humor, Neil, she’s trying to HELP you with your lawyer, and get Victor to stay out of it!   Neil doesn’t care about Victor or what he thinks.  Nikki says that’s right!  To hell with what other people think!  The only thing that matters is what HE thinks when he looks in the mirror.  I would hope he thinks he needs a shave and a haircut.  Although he does look believably torn down by life, so props for that bit of realism.

 

Does he LIKE that guy staring back at him, because Nikki doesn’t think so.  “It’s not YOU, Neil.  It’s some pathetic, self-destructive guy that you have apparently chosen to be right now!” So, what’s his plan?  Drink himself into oblivion until they throw him into a cell?  “You’re life isn’t OVER, Neil.  Like it or not, you’re STILL HERE, and you STILL MATTER.  And you still have the chance to be the man you once were.  For the love of God, don’t throw that away!”she cries, and rushes out.  Besides, it was just Christine.   Neil stares at his glass and ponders.  It was a good speech.

 

Devon finds Neil in the lobby and tells him he spoke to Winston Mobley.  “After I told you not to?”  You may have noticed Devon’s not very good at following commandments.  “You were right.  He doesn’t care about what you’ve been through, because he’s coming after you full force.”  DUH.  But Devon has a new idea.  He’s got the money to give Neil a new identity overseas, so he can start over.  Neil’s disgusted by another display of Devon’s weaseliness.  “Like I’m gonna leave behind my REAL son?  Forget it.”  He’s not gonna RUN, Devon, not matter how bad the odds are.  He’s gonna fight, like a MAN.

 

Hilary and Win are cozy in bed, and his phone rings.  Ugh, it might be work.  It’s Leslie, and why not talk about your case with a strange woman in your bed.  She wants to talk plea bargain.  “You’re willing to make a deal?  Getting desperate?” he says.  Right, like lawyers love going to trial instead of lunch.  Leslie’s being PRAGMATIC.  Is there an offer on the table she can present to her client?  “Dream on.  My boss wants [to abuse her power] him to serve time.  For Mr. Winters to plead out, it would take something extraordinary.”  Hilary smirks evilly.  She’s pretty damn extraordinary, Win.

 

Brokenhearted, grief-stricken Summer comes down the stairs in one of her many handy formal dresses in case of instant weddings or charity events.  It’s 100 times prettier than her bridesmaid dress of like one day ago.  She shows it off to Kyle.  What does he think?  “It’s simple, but elegant.  A little daring…beautiful.  It’s you,” he coos.  Well, simple at least.

 

Jack gets off the phone.  He happily tells Phyllis that was the pilot!  He is going to drop them off in the islands right after the benefit!  “Oh, Jack!  This is IT!  Our wedding is finally happening!” she says adorably.  They kiss.  What could go wrong?

 

Victor’s on the phone with Minion.  “The Abbotts are closing ranks behind their family hierarchy.  They always do that when under threat.  I’m gonna blow that hierarchy to smithereens, and change the order of it.  And you and I will be at the top.”  Smithereens?  That sounds serious.  Oh, well, at least Kyle doesn’t care.  Unless he was talking to Kyle.

 

Nick and Sage get up to her suite for a super deluxe, long love scene like the kind that used to be reserved for Shick.  I guess they were just for Nick all this time.  They get their own love song that I refuse to acknowledge, and Sage is just super excited to be doing it in a bed.  #stillnodinner  She did get a glass of iced tea this time.

 

Does sexy Adam get a love scene?  No, Adam gets to argue with Chelsea some more.  <sigh>  Gabe gets why Chelsea’s mad at him, he does!  But he’s still her friend, okay, and he cares DEEPLY about her.  So whatever is going on, she doesn’t have to do this alone!  “I’m HERE.  Just let me help you!” he says desperately.  Chelsea weeps and gives in, because when she came in, she was on the phone with Connor’s DOCTOR.  “He had bad news,” she says, wiping away tears.  Oh, no.  Adam gets super serious.  I bet this involves rare blood types again.

[movinon]

Hilary grimaces to herself, but let’s see if this piece of work can take your mind off allll that, you sexist bastard. He happily lets her kiss his ear and unbutton his shirt because he’s dumb.

They get their own love song that I refuse to acknowledge, and Sage is just super excited to be doing it in a bed. #stillnodinner She did get a glass of iced tea this time.

Great recap out of nothing again, peach. I have a feeling these recaps are going to get more difficult soon. Meanwhile, the two above are my favorites - I do enjoy the bitch, Hilary and I love the fact that Sage has never been shown an ounce of respect by Nick.

[peach]

Fri, Apr 10  PART ONE   Victor Has Evolved

 

Sharon’s at home with straight hair, which I prefer.  She’s so anxious she can barely stir her tea.  She hears a loud noise outside!  She peeks out the window but doesn’t see anything.  Better call Super Dylan!  He’s with Beloved Avery who’s getting ready for her made up award party.  “Dylan!  There’s someone outside!  I think it’s him!” cries Sharon.  He’s on his way, ma’am.  Avery’s like, so, I’m supposed to go to this benefit by myself??  Not a chance!  He’ll just make sure things are secure and then head over to the club.

 

Dylan, she’s seen this before.  Sharon is a bottomless pit of need.  Avery only likes that in a man.  Blah blah blah if the tire iron tests come back and implicate her… “I know, you’re an officer of the court and have to turn it over to the police.”  She does?  “But you are confident that Sharon is innocent?”  Dylan just wants to make sure she’s not in danger, and she doesn’t spin out.  “Why does it have to be you, Dylan?  Why?”  Because he’s Super Dylan.  Duh.  “I want to walk into that event with you,” she pleads.  Here comes Joe Superman.  “Is there a problem?” he smirky smiles.  Wait, I have an idea.  Send JOE to protect Sharon, and Dylan can take Avery to her dumb party.

 

Meanwhile, at the gala, Victoria is setting up a Brash & Sassy display.  Lily loves having a corporate sponsor to offset the event.  If there’s anything an abused woman needs, it’s to feel Brash & Sassy.  I LOVE Lily’s black and silver dress.  “The Foundation is honoring a beautiful woman who gives back to the community, and Brash & Sassy is thrilled to exploit it for advertising,” recites Victoria.  Cane taunts that it will balance out the press Jabot is getting for its new rape perfume.  “Yeah, Hex!  I love the name, it’s very sultry and sexy,” says Lily.  OR it could be something you pick up at the hardware store, like hex nuts, says Victoria.  Very sultry.  Rawr.  “That sounds like something your dad would say if he felt threatened by Jabot’s success,” chides Cane. 

 

“Nonsense,” says Victor, entering with Nikki. “I applaud Jabot’s newest venture.  How nice for Jack and the Abbotts to have a win for once,” he smiles.  Cane’s just quizzically smiling at him.  “It’ll be the last one in a long, long while,” says Victor, while Victoria smirks next to him like his court jester. 

 

Jack and Phyllis flirt and get ready for the party, until they’re interrupted by Ashley.  Has anyone seen Billy?  “Not since he took off on his mission to find out who hacked into Jabot,” says Jack. Why would he have to leave town?  Phyllis and Ashley seem to be wearing dresses from the same line of some kind of navy blue lace things.  Ash leaves, and Jack says meanwhile they’ll be doing reconnaissance of their own on Nikki and Victor.  Phyllis loves it when Jack is ready for battle, but TONIGHT is about going clap, clap for Avery, and then hauling ass out of there to fly off and get married!  Jack agrees.  He gets a call.  Hmm, nobody’s there.  Phyllis frowns.

 

Chelsea has to get Connor to the doctor right away.  It has to do with his eyes.  Adam’s really worried!  Let him help do SOMETHING.  No!  “I am his mother.  This has NOTHING to do with you!” cries Chelsea.  Long pause.  “Yes, it does,” says Adam.  Sorry, but her son’s eyesight has nothing to do with him.  “Gabe” knows she’s scared and it’s ripping him apart!  She has every right to be angry with him, but Billy is out of town, and she knows how much he cares about Connor, so let him help!  “You can’t help us!  You’re not a doctor, so there’s nothing you can do.” 

 

Is this about the corneal transplant?  She says he had pink eye, and got drops, but now they have to see a night ophthalmologist because he’s scared it’s a corneal infection.  His body might be rejecting the tissue. Adam gulps.  Even after all this time?  Yes.  Chelsea cries about the beautiful girl who gave him this gift and now something’s wrong!  Adam’s like that’s it, I’m going with you.  She protests him using this to get closer to her, but Adam says she doesn’t even have to TOLERATE him, but he’s driving them to the hospital!  Let’s go!

 

Victor, Victoria, and Nikki toast with champagne. (Nikki has club soda) Vicky asks what he meant about Jabot’s “last” success.  “Well, you know your father’s always been in charge of the universe, and all of us who live in it,” says Nikki.  He likes that.  “You would,” she smiles coolly.  Victor remarks about this great cause tonight.  “Ah, yes, the plight of the marginalized woman has been VERY important to your father,” snarks Nikki.  Are we sure she’s not drinking?  “Ignore your mother, my darling, people are waiting for you,” says Victor. 

 

Vicky leaves, and Nikki says don’t think she’s ready to get a lecture from him.  “Let me clarify something for you.  Ever since you told me about your father inflicting pain on you and your sister, this foundation means a helluva lot to me.”  Okay, but surely he understands how tedious it is to keep hearing him say he’s RIGHT about everything.  They bicker about Neil’s defense and his belief that Leslie will blame Nikki.  She says he just has too much going on right now, and God knows he won’t tell her what it is. “Don’t you worry about what I have going on.  But let me say this.  You look beautiful tonight.” Well, she digs that.

 

Summer and Kyle show up at the gala.  She’s glad they didn’t have to deal with more reporters.  She figured after Paul’s press conference, the press would be swarming.  Maybe nobody cares, Summer.  “A murdered officer about to marry a Newman. I guess people really love reading about other people’s grief,” she complains.  Kyle thinks maybe it wasn’t a good idea to bring her tonight if she’s going to be such a downer.  NO!  She wanted to be here, the only thing she thinks about at home is Courtney or Austin.  They’re not allowed to talk about that shit, yo!  Okay, she won’t.  Let’s go gossip about people’s clothes.  Kyle laughs.

 

The Newman crew greets their darling Summer.  “Did Kyle talk you into coming?” questions Victor.  No, it was her idea, and she has no idea what’s going on with the murder case, so stop asking about it, Victoria.  She and Kyle decide to get a drink.  Kyle says she’s doing great by not saying anything.  He reminds her of the note in Courtney’s hand.  “We talk, we’re next,” he whispers.  Summer sighs.

 

Okay, Avery’s wearing a black, V- neck shiny dress with a peplum.  Never a fan of the peplum.  It also looks like it has tiny triangles of garbage bag sewn on the bodice.  Her hair looks pretty, though.  She tells Joe there’s no problem at all.  Dylan and Joe bicker about whose business is whose, who needs to be needed, etc.  Dylan will get to the stupid party when he can.  He kisses Avery and leaves.  Well, Joe will be more than happy to escort her to the event.  She can walk ALL BY HERSELF!  “AMAZING, aren’t I” she snaps, rushing out the door.  “Always,” says Joe.

 

Sharon hears someone outside her door!  She raises her fire poker over her head when she opens it…but it’s just Paul.  Oh.  “You know, for a little thing, you kind of look menacing with that poker!” he jokes.  She says there’s a lot of, um, wildlife around there.  What was he doing out there?  He was about to knock on the door.  “Do you always walk around with a weapon in your hand?”  Umm, hello, her son’s fiancée was just murdered.  She’s a little on edge.  Oh, yeah.  Paul says that was truly heartbreaking, horrible news, especially for Noah.  Is he around?  No, he went back home to process and grieve. 

 

Does he have any news about the case?  No, just a lot of questions.  He’s going to have go through all her files and cases.  Maybe it was a collar that had an axe to grind.  For someone so young, she made a lot of arrests!  Especially for someone who looked so [Malibu Barbie] delicate.  She was one of Paul’s own, and he promises to make the killer pay.  Okay, well, she’ll let Noah know he was there.  Paul rubs his eyes.  You know, Sharon, he could really use a cup of coffee.  Sharon looks suspicious.  I think she rightly discerns an illegal search or something coming on.

 

Summer and Kyle greet the Abbotts.  Ashley says it’s super BRAVE of her to go to a party.  Summer’s excited about Phack running off to get married.  Jack mentions the investigation, and Kyle shuts that down in supercilious fashion.  This kid needs a sound beating, honestly.  They walk off.

 

Nikki watches her from across the room.  That poor thing, she worries.  Losing two loved ones so quickly.  Jack and Ashley banter with Victor about all the usual things.  He still thinks they should join forces to fight the cyber attacks.  Being a team is kind of against the forces of nature, says Jack.  “Some of us evolved, Jack,” says Victor.  And he’s going to go chat up some friends.  “Victor has evolved?” says Jack bemusedly.  “Victor has friends?” adds Ashley, going after him. 

 

“Okay, Nik,” says Jack.  “What is your husband up to this time?”  She doesn’t know any more than he does.  “And as usual, we won’t know anything more than that until it’s too late to do anything about it,” she says cynically. 

 

Michael and Lauren show up.  Someone had to wear a pleather tank top, amirite?  Cane offers to get them drinks, and he has a business proposal to talk about later.  Lauren gushes that she can’t wait to hear all about it.  Cane leaves, and Lauren worries about how pale Michael looks.  He can deal with this crap until Avery gets her award.  Meanwhile, go find Cane.  He’s curious about this proposal so go, go, go!  She rushes off, and he sags against a table. He really does look bad.

 

Paul casually questions Sharon without legal representation about Austin’s shocking murder.  Sooo, she was with Dylan, right?  “Excuse me?” says Sharon.  She was with Dylan on Valentine’s night?  Oh, sure.  She gives him the version we saw on the show.  “Your son has been a very good friend to me.”  Did she also see him the day Courtney was killed?  Sharon sadly talks about helping Noah get ready for the wedding.  “So, Sharon, why did you go see Dylan that day, instead of going to the park where the wedding was going to be held?”

 

Sharon squints.  “Am I a suspect, Paul??  Because I know that you know about Austin’s video interview that I didn’t want to come out.  But that was about Nicholas and me, and had nothing to do with Austin or Courtney, and I would never hurt Summer or Noah intentionally!”  But she was worried enough to try to steal Austin’s laptop?  Right, because taking a laptop out of a backpack is the same as super human, double murders.  “Because I love my daughter, and Nick can be spiteful, and self-righteous!  But that doesn’t mean I killed anyone!” she says rationally.  Dylan walks in and hears this going on.  “”Whoa, whoa, whoa!  What’s going on?” he frowns.

 

Joe is going on with the Beloved Avery Award without Dylan being there, of course.  He gives a ridiculous speech.  “Avery is devoted, relentless.  No one fights more for those who can’t fight for themselves.  She’s a superhero amongst us.  Her suit and briefcase and cleavage are her disguise.  She works wonders, and those wonders are finding hope where there was once only darkness.  And so it’s my great honor to present her with the first ever Better Days Award…Avery Bailey Clark.”  Also, this one time, she got this one violent guy off, and he murdered Austin’s mom.  And then she got Austin off for stalking and kidnapping her.  Her last case was helping a rich guy get custody away from his troubled ex, so she’s all about Better Days for women.  Everyone applauds wildly.

 

Adam consoles Chelsea while they wait in the hospital.  She says most transplant rejections happen in the first year.  They’re past that mark.  She wishes she had been more vigilant.  “It’s hard to explain, feeling like it’s all your fault.”  “Actually, I understand more than you realize.”  The doctor shows up to examine Connor.  We’re expected to believe the doctor thinks it’s easier to examine a baby’s eyes alone, so he’s not distracted by anything, like, say, SCREAMING FOR HIS MOTHER. 

 

Are you telling tall, imposing ADAM that you’re examining this boy without his mother?  He needs his mom, and this doc better figure it out, or he’s going to call every board member of this hospital and the chief of staff.  The doctor frowns, but gives in.  Rich people.  Chelsea gives Adam a small smile.  “Thank you.”  She leaves with the doctor.

 

Avery gives a speech telling a story about a boy who was abused, etc, explains abuse, and says leaving is the most terrifying thing in the world to the victims.  Lauren comforts Michael, and Victor comforts Nikki.  Anyway, the boy grew up and became a man, and she’s honored to know that man.  Joe’s all, aww, shucks.

 

Sharon explains to Dylan that Paul was just having some coffee…and checking her alibi.  They stand shoulder to shoulder, like a team, and Dylan says he already told Paul that Sharon was with him.  Well, it’s just good police form to check out all those kinds of claims, preferably without any lawyers around.  “Why would I lie?” asks Dylan. “Oh, I don’t know, to protect someone you care about.”  Thanks for the coffee, Sharon, if Paul has any more impertinent questions, he’ll get back to you.  He leaves.

 

Sharon tells Dylan that Paul will check EVERY detail except for like, bookends and stuff. He’ll make charts, you guys!  He’ll cross reference times, etc.  Dylan says they WERE together both those times, so it’s not really a lie.  But not at the exact times!  Faith SAID they were in the woods, and what if they question her little girl?  The little girl who lied about Sage’s pants on the stand?  No worries. 

 

Sharon panics that the killer is going to make her look guilty!  Dylan says at this point, there is no physical evidence.  Paul didn’t get anything here but a cup of coffee.  And they bought some time to find out who the killer is.

[movinon]

 

And so it’s my great honor to present her with the first ever Better Days Award…Avery Bailey Clark.”  Also, this one time, she got this one violent guy off, and he murdered Austin’s mom.  And then she got Austin off for stalking and kidnapping her.  Her last case was helping a rich guy get custody away from his troubled ex, so she’s all about Better Days for women.  Everyone applauds wildly.

Great job again, peach.  You do these too late for me at night, so I have to wait for morning to read them.  This part is my favorite - I can't stand this stupid bitch, and she's gonna stop Joe and Sharon from getting together - tramp.

[Petunia13]

This is true Avery isn't the biggest advocate for women. She was even a bossy asshole and controlling to Leslie her friend (ish) who's pretty smart and sensible and chill.

[peach]

Fri, Apr 10  PART TWO   Whoops!

 

Kyle tells Jack that Avery was great and all, but he’s taking off now.  What??  Jack wants him to shake hands and kiss babies, work the room for Jabot!  This is how careers are built!  “I appreciate the thought, Dad, but I’m fine just the way I am.”  Lazy.  Jabot’s also doing great, so there’s no issue.  “Jabot is always under threat, now more than ever, and you have a responsibility!” says Jack.  Do you think they have color coded threat levels at Jabot?  Victor Threat Orange?  Kyle's responsibility is to make sure Summer gets home safely.  Unless that’s not important to Jack?  Of course it is.  “Then we agree,” smugs Kyle, and I don’t care if smug isn’t really a verb, because it should be in this case!  Have a great night, Dad.  Honestly, anyone who talked in THIS affected, condescending manner all the damn time, would be breathing through a tube by now, I swear.

 

Kyle and Summer leave.  Jacks gets another hangup call.  He calls the number back to see who it’s coming from.  Just kidding, he just presses his lips together.

 

Ashley confronts Victor.  Explain to her how he’s spent so much time hating Jabot and Jack that he would now want to team up to catch cyber criminals.  Does he hope some of Jabot’s good luck will rub off on him?  Victor says Jabot’s success isn’t from luck, it’s from Ashley’s brilliance!  Has Jack made her co-CEO yet?  Ashley says he’ll be the first to know.  “Ohhh, that’s right, he’s waiting.  He’s grooming his son Kyle for that position.”

 

“Pitting Jack and me against each other is not gonna work, Victor.”  She tells him Hex is going gangbusters.  “And yet he’s talking to his son Kyle and not his sister.  You know why that is, don’t you?”  Don’t do it, she whispers.  Oh, he’s doing it.  “Jabot is an Abbott business.  And you’re not really an Abbott, are you?” he rasps.  She’s an Abbott in every way that matters. Why is he doing this?  “Are you going to expose me, Victor?  Or are you just trying to lure me to Newman?  Because frankly, either one would really PISS me off.” 

 

Jack walks up and asks what Victor’s hassling his sister about now?  This is a charity event, so get out his checkbook.  Maybe he will, and buy Jabot.  The answer will ALWAYS be NO, Victor.  “Well, I’llbedamned.  But then, you have always made rather bad business decisions.” He walks off.  Jack blah blahs about how obnoxious Victor is, and how he’s going to come at them from three or four angles.  They’ll just have to wait to see when the other shoe drops.  Ashley just looks annoyed with Jack.  Satan has planted his seeds of doubt.

 

Chelsea comes back to Gabe and says they’re waiting for a diagnosis.  She was happy to be with Connor, so thanks for standing up to that doctor for her.  “Yeah, this ‘by the rules’ garbage just drives me crazy,” he says.  She noticed.  It was like he was channeling Adam!  He talks about Connor, and Chelsea asks him how he knew about the cornea transplant.  She never told him.  For some reason I thought she actually did once, but of course, it was just Gabe doing all his homework on every aspect of her life.  He knows about the donor, too. 

 

“I’m not going to tell you how freaky it is how much you know about my life.   Instead I’m going to choose to be grateful that you insisted on coming with us.” The doctor returns and says Connor’s tissue is healthy, and there’s no sign of rejection.  Hurray!  Adam and Chelsea hug!!  Connor’s going to be okay.  The star crossed parents have a sentimental moment, and Adam offers to drive her home.

 

Lauren and Michael blather about Avery’s amazing speech.  Cane walks up.  He’ll keep his business proposal simple.  “I would like to join your team at Fenmore’s.”  SERIOUSLY?  Omg, that is knee-slappingly funny.  Forget VP at a Fortune 500, let me help you run your dress shop.  Why doesn’t he just come back to run the club?  Lauren doesn’t know what she was expecting to hear, but that wasn’t it!  You and me both, Lauren. 

 

Cane complains about how Jill doesn’t run Chancellor right, like giving Colin a managerial job.  “Well, THAT’S a train wreck right there,” says Lauren.  EXACTLY.  See how Lauren already gets Cane.  “Not to mention, she’s not as open to new ideas and strategies as I imagine you are,” he says.  So Cane’s going to take his ball and run play with Jill’s sister.  Doesn’t that make Lauren his pseudo aunt?  This show never met an incest story it didn’t like.  Michael says he imagines right.

 

Lauren points out that Fenmore’s isn’t as big of a company as Chancellor.  He wouldn’t have the same kind of power.  Oh, Cane doesn’t care about power, unless he’s pouting about not having it.  He cares about impact and  forward momentum, and he brings a lot to the table.  “So let him,” says Michael.  Why not accept a man’s support and new ideas?  “Do you think this is the right fit?” asks Lauren. “I do,” says Michael quickly.  Okay, then.  They toast to new horizons.

 

Joe comes rushing up. Have they seen Avery, because he has GREAT NEWS!  Avery’s in the lobby on the phone with the night lab.  They have the test results.  She calls Dylan.  Gosh, he’s so sorry, he will be there soon!  “No, you won’t,” she says.  “The lab results are being delivered to her closed office tonight, so check her desk!  He’s on his way.  HURRY!  She hangs up.  “This is what we’ve been waiting for,” Dylan tells Sharon.

 

Joe excitedly rushes up to Avery with a bottle of champagne and amazing news!  Gabriel Bingham is getting divorced, so he doesn’t get his inheritance.  According to Constance’s will, it all goes the Better Days Foundation.  What if Gabe gets married again?  Nope, he only got one chance because Constance was kind of a bitch.  So their foundation gets it ALL.  Avery throws herself in Joe’s arms!   This is wonderful!  Lily’s throwing the party guests out, so he booked a suite for them to celebrate!  “Let’s be HAPPY that something wonderful happened tonight!” gushes Avery, and they race up the stairs.

 

Pale Michael watches Lauren and Cane from across the room, and gets a text.  Lauren and Cane discuss his amazing new ideas for expansion that sound exactly the same as Jill’s.   Michael’s sorry to interrupt, but he has a new client that got arrested, so he has to go.  He asks Cane to make sure Lauren gets home okay.  It’s really special how Michael wants a MARRIED man to replace him.  I’m sure Lily won’t mind.

 

Phyllis comes bustling in.  She tells Jack his son is a perfect, attentive escort for her daughter.  Attentive, yeah, Kyle should be attentive to networking for Jabot, gripes Jack.  Hey, his mind needs to be on going to a tropical island to get married.  Okay, okay.  He gets another hangup call, and it is getting on his nerves, you guys!  Victor overhears.

 

Avery and Joe step out on the suite balcony to drink champagne and blather about how awesome they are.  Avery gushes about Joe doing what a good man does.  Joe says she changed him when they met, and she changed him again when she left him.  She changes him every day for the better.  “I don’t know how to thank you,” he breathes, moving in closer.  How about with a big, juicy kiss?  She kisses him back!

 

Chadam get home, and Chelsea puts Connor to bed.  He’s gonna be okay.  She thanks him for driving them to hospital.  Adam’s glad they’re both okay.  She strokes his arm.  “I know how much you care about him.  At least I know that’s real,” she says quietly, looking up at him.  Does sexy Adam get a big, juicy kiss?  He does not.  Billy calls.  She starts telling him about what happened with Connor, and Adam quietly and wistfully lets himself out.  Chelsea glances around, like, where’d he go?  He really does need to play a little hard to get sometimes.

 

Jack’s still bitching about his three hangup calls in one day.  Ashley says he got pocket dialed!  It happens!  Phyllis says, oh, she should know better.  It’s Victor!  If Jack’s alarms go off, if he has too much pepper in his eggs..it’s Victor, she says sarcastically.  Very funny, says Jack.  Victor is Up To Something.  “Go run off and get married already,” says Ashley.  He will.  And when he gets back, married and  happy, they should talk about that CEO position.  Ashley grins and hugs him.  Get married and hurry back!

 

Victor calls a certain minion.  “Have you been making calls to Jack Abbott?...You stop it.  Or will I end it before it starts,” he scolds.

 

Summer shows Kyle her last selfie with Courtney on her wedding day.  She whines about dragging him into her misery like this.  Oh, Summer, that’s what he’s there for.  He wants to be dragged into your whiny misery.  Blah blah, he’s no brother.  They start making out.  Big time.  So everybody gets to make out except Adam.

 

Dylan and Sharon get to Avery’s office and find the test results.  Dylan looks surprised.  I think.  “What did they find on the tire iron?”  Sharon asks anxiously.  He turns and stares at her.  “Austin’s blood.  And your fingerprints.”  Shocker.

 

Avery’s kissing Joe, but she pulls away.   “This isn’t happening!  Let’s go inside!”  He grabs her arm.  “I can’t pretend.  Things are different, and you know it, Avery.”  She needed him to be the person he COULD be, and now he is, and she knows that.  “But Dylan---“  Look, Dylan wants to rescue someone, and you…you’re the one doing the rescuing for me.  We owe it to ourselves to make this work.”  He starts kissing her some more, and she half kisses and half protests that she can’t. She CAN’T, Joe!  She shoves him away…AND HE FALLS OFF THE BALCONY!  “JOOOE!” she shrieks.

 

Wow!  That really came out of nowhere!  Is it wrong that I laughed?  It was just so unexpected.  Geez, these Wisconsin blondes like Sharon and Avery must be descended from the Valkyrie because they have the strength of ten men.  I’m still kind of laughing.  Poor Joe.  I guess we’ll find out if Superman can fly.

[Foghorn Leghorn]

 

Wow!  That really came out of nowhere!  Is it wrong that I laughed?  It was just so unexpected.  Geez, these Wisconsin blondes like Sharon and Avery must be descended from the Valkyrie because they have the strength of ten men.  I’m still kind of laughing.  Poor Joe.  I guess we’ll find out if Superman can fly.

 

I am not sure if I laughed or yelled WHOA!  But whatever she pushed was so light it went at warp speed over the edge, barely glimpsed his shoe bottoms!  LOL

[Capricasix]

I think we all laughed, peach :D

[movinon]

I even laughed and everybody knows how much I love him.  If they don't mess up his hair and scruff him up soon, I'm going to burn a big blow up picture of Chucky Pratt,

[Margamo]

I haven't watched in a couple weeks but I come in and read your recaps, which I love!! 

 

"#stillnodinner"

 

Priceless!

[glowlights]

Y&R has devolved to the point where I can no longer tell which parts of these recaps really happened, and which parts are peach's magnificent humor. Maybe there should be a weekly quiz...

[peach]

Joe really did say Avery was a superhero amongst us, in case you're wondering.  I only made up the cleavage part.  lol  She must be a superhero if she toss him off a balcony without even trying.

[miamama]

Honestly, anyone who talked in THIS affected, condescending manner all the damn time, would be breathing through a tube by now, I swear.

 

IKR? I do not know how you watch and recap Kyle and Summer, Peach. You're our hero.

[glowlights]

Joe really did say Avery was a superhero amongst us, in case you're wondering.  I only made up the cleavage part.  lol  She must be a superhero if she toss him off a balcony without even trying.

 

See, my first instinct was that you made up the part about Joe going off a balcony! Avery Clark: Boobs of Steel. (is Joe dead? do we know that yet? why can't Lily be dead?)