Explain it to Me Like I'm Lily: Recaps for the Disenchanted

[movinon]

 

Dylan finds Joe at the club so he can gloat.  They gelled his hair STRAIGHT UP so he can look taller, I think.

 

Dylan’s starting to snort like a bull.

 

“It was YOU!  Your [tantrums]driving force, and [death threats] determination!  

 

Could it beeee….your angry tomato temper?

 

God, peach.  I can't believe these Dylan comments - and he is the STAR of the show, after all.  After yesterday's show, I needed a good laugh and you provided it again.  I wasn't going to watch anymore for now - just tape and read your recaps, but Canadian has talked me into watching today, with the promise that I won't explode.  Thanks again to you & everyone else for being here - this show sucks.

 

[MollyB]

 

The coffee house, you, you can stay here as long as you want!”

Think the rent won't go up just a smidge?  Good luck with that, Pinocchio.

 

I got what I wanted out of this deal

A months stay at the fabulous GCAC, conveniently located near the warehouse district and complete with rooftop pool and a concierge/owner who plays gin rummy in the middle of the dining room any ole time.

 

Nikki says it will probably please Katherine just that it might make Jill crazy again!

Seriously, Nikki, get some therapy.  Reveling in someone's misery is not healthy.  Next thing you know, you'll be happy a baby is ripped from her mother.

 

but Victor Newman can materialize anywhere he damnwell pleases, I guess.

Materialized being the operative word there.  Dude's not human.

 

Nikki gently explains that the court won’t revolve around just what Summer says.

Especially if Sharon has a shit-for-brains attorney and a bribed judge.

 

OMG.  HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THE PSYCHO VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY IN THE BACKGROUND???  WHO DOES THAT?

It's another one of Victor's many forms.  Vampires have bats, Grampire has dummies.

 

Great recap, as usual, Peach.  Thanks!

[peacheslatour]

 

Then he sees Summer’s toddler crying face.  What happened??  Well, “Waaah!  WAAH, WAAH WAH WAH. ME ME! WAAH, WAH WAAAAH!  WA-WA-WAH!  ME ME ME!!  WAH WAWA WAAAAH!  MEEEE!!!  WAAAAHHHH!!!!”  Omg, since they can’t waterboard terrorists anymore, they could just show them THIISSSS!!!!!

This is hilarious and sooo true.  I have never wanted to slap a character this much in my life.  Gone with the Wind was on last night and Scarlett was slappin' the shit out of everybody.  I'd love to see Mariah or Sharon go all Scarlett O'Hara on her ass!

[peach]

My fantasy

 

[Foghorn Leghorn]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL  Perfect!!!!  I feel better already!  Thanks Peach!

[peach]

Wed-Thurs, Feb 4-5    Wee Cap

 

THE TRIAL:  Sage thought it would be a good idea to show up in court for a near stranger’s custody case, so she could explain the no pants thing, but Nick didn’t even have to consult with Avery to tell her to leave.  She went home, where Adam tried to explain what a huge ass Nick is and how badly he treats Sharon, but Sage went all fingers in the ears and LALALALALA about it.  If she liked the feckless idiot Gabe was, she’ll probably get on like a house on fire with Nick, anyway.

 

Avery is at Crimson Lights, anxious because Dylan didn’t come home last night, and because of Nick’s upcoming trial.  Dylan notes her habit of not letting go of past relationships.  He does not note his habit of breaking up those relationships.

 

We get the same judge who scolded a 17yo abuse victim for not being more forthcoming with her rapey cult leader she was trying to escape, so you know this is going to go GREAT for Sharon.  The testimony isn’t really worth discussing, since the entire case was made to hinge on the lady with no pants, and Summer’s whiny pain, instead of any actual Shick history.  Nick’s earth was not scorched.  It wasn’t even singed.  In fact, Nick’s earth was well-watered and fertilized with plenty of manure.  Thanks, David Sherman. 

 

Mariah and Noah are forced to admit under oath that Sharon has bipolar, which is not a secret, and that Sage spilled water on her pants, leading Sharon to feel betrayed by them both.  No discussion of Nick’s own douchebaggery.  The only highlight is Dylan coming to support Sharon and stick it to stank face Avery.  He ruins all that by the end of Thursday’s episode by apologizing to her.

 

Nick has a moment of guilt before the verdict, but Avery talks him right out of THAT shit.  Nick wins.  Sharon and Faith say goodbye, and Sharon is falling apart.  She goes off on Mariah for not backing her up on the stand, they argue, and Mariah decides to move out.  Kevin comforts Mariah, who is upset now that she’s not good at being Cassie OR Mariah.  He says she can come live with him now.

 

Sharon goes to Cassie’s grave and leans on her headstone and weeps.

 

Nick takes Faith home, who is also weeping.  SHE MISSES MOMMY!   Victor and Nikki come over to gloat and celebrate like the spider vermin they are.  Nick feels guilty until Noah actually says he should have asked for joint custody, then he gets mad and says they have to get Faith through this!

 

IN OTHER NEWS:  Billy’s a big, spoiled baby over finding out Stitch moved in with Victoria.  He whines a lot about how unfair it is that another man is going to be around his kids full-time, and sees no conflict in taking this position.  Chelsea isn’t too pleased.  Billy is so upset, in fact, that he even asks GABE for his opinion about dealing with another man raising your kid.  (Kid playing DS next to me cocks one eyebrow and says, dramatic irony.)

 

THE WINTERS CLAN:  Neil gets rejected from the experimental vision program, leading Devon to feel really, really bad for himself.  Everybody tries to blackmail everybody else, and Colin forces Cane to put Jill as Number One at Chancellor, or he’ll tell Lily that Cane knew about Devon and Hilary.  Lily and Cane think it’s totally unacceptable for Cane to be Number Two, because he’s a man, silly.  But Cane gives in to Colin, because he’s way more terrified of Lily than Colin is of Victor Newman.   Basically, Devon is ruining everyone in the family’s marriage.  But he doesn’t care because love.  And he doesn’t even mind buying Chancellor because it’s a good investment.  So Devon’s happy as a clam except for his personal trial of having a blind father he can’t destroy yet.

 

I probably left a lot out, but I just don’t care because this was all sickening, and dying in or under a plane crash is too good for most of them at this point.

Edited February 9, 2015 by peach

[movinon]

 

Nick’s earth was not scorched.  It wasn’t even singed.  In fact, Nick’s earth was well-watered and fertilized with plenty of manure.  Thanks, David Sherman.

This sums it up perfectly, peach, and I don't blame you for a minute for not spending any more time on this puke-fest.  The whole manure heap was disgusting, and I am very close to checking out again.

 

Edited to say I will continue to read your re-caps, of course.

Edited February 9, 2015 by movinon

[Petunia13]

Sage is weird and irritating.

[peacheslatour]

This sums it up perfectly, peach, and I don't blame you for a minute for not spending any more time on this puke-fest.  The whole manure heap was disgusting, and I am very close to checking out again.

 

Edited to say I will continue to read your re-caps, of course.

Oh movinon, don't give up yet.  Today's show really got my hopes up.  Especially, oddly enough, the scene with Neil and Drunki which was a lot of fun.  Hang in there.  I'm giving it until we get to the crash and see who gets killed. 

[Petunia13]

It would be interesting if they had a fling.

[peach]

Fri, Feb 6   Monsters In And Under The Bed

 

Sharon is weeping at Cassie’s tombstone.  Cassie is all she has now.   Everyone else has left her, unless you want to count Dylan McAvoy, and I guess she doesn’t.  She worked so hard to get strong and healthy so Nick would love her and, now, what was the point?  Well…there’s your problem.  All those hours of therapy, and mountains of pills, and brain fryification, and for what?  Only to be abandoned again.  The common theme here is NICK NEWMAN ABANDONS PEOPLE.   Anyway, Sharon is super sad, and she’s alone now, all because of that one bad decision she made when she wasn’t well.  

 

Great, now we get to hear Summer’s opinion.   She says Faith is too young to know how much better off she is without Sharon.  Right, generally young children don’t feel better off without their mommies.   Go figure.  “For one thing, my dad won’t USE HER the way Sharon did with both Faith AND me to get what she wanted.”  Or to get back at Sharon or anything like that.  Austin’s like…ummm… I have to bus some tables.  OH EM GEE!  WORK?!  “Can’t Mariah just do it??” she asks, following him around.   Yeah, just leave those glasses on the tables til someone else comes in.

 

Austin doesn’t know if she’s even coming to work.  Noah said she had a really rough day in court.   Summer has to admit Mariah’s testimony upped her respect for her 100 notches.  Who knew Mariah could tell the truth, and it’s honestly what tanked Sharon’s case, mostly because this show doesn’t make sense.   Mariah and Kevin have just walked in.  “Without meaning to, I helped Nick DESTROY my mom’s life, and you think I’m HAPPY about that?”

 

Noah tells Nick he read Faith to sleep.  “Poor kid.  She had a really rough day,” he says sadly.  Nick says he tried to protect her from all this by starting it.  “I tried to protect you and Summer, too.”  Right, remember, Noah, how Nick protected you when he abandoned your family for Summer, the Golden Brat?  Nick’s super sorry Noah was stuck in the middle of this and wishes he had some way to make it up to him.  “Maybe there is,” says Noah.  Oh, just NAME IT, Noah, and Nick will totally do it.  “If you could just reassure Mom that this might not be forever, it would make all the difference in how she handles things.  If she knew there was some hope.”  Nick’s like, ooo, I was just saying that, man.

 

Lily’s not stupid, you guys.  She knows Colin HAS to be holding something over Cane for him to let a more experienced and educated woman run the company.  She saw him talking to Colin and getting upset.  And AFTER that, he went from being equal partners with Jill to REPORTING to her.  WHAT did Colin say?  And why won’t he tell her what it is?

 

Devon actually strokes Lily’s hand in the same room as blind daddy.  Neil gets off the phone with Sophia.  He can’t bear to think he’ll never see Moses’ beautiful face again.   Devon’s like, yeah, that.  He says there has to be some other treatment they can buy to get this shit taken care of.  Neil says the specialists say the flashes of light are as good as it’s gonna get. 

 

Hilary thinks maybe she can talk to the doctors herself and ask a magic question that will make her dreams come true, because they want to start dating way more than you want to see again, Neil.  Devon also insists on more opinions!  MORE OPINIONS!!  Neil just wants them to let it go.  He leaves to go lay down for a while.  Hilary goes to comfort him.  JUST KIDDING.  She pouts with Devon about how their optimism has been dampened.  “We can’t keep lying to him forever.  It’s not fair to any of us,” says Hilary.  Poor Devon and Hilary.  She wants to tell Neil the truth.  Devon rubs his head in doubt.

 

“We’re going to hurt him, Devon.  There’s no way around that.  But the longer we wait, the harder it’s going to be.  The only decent way out of this is to tell him the truth now, TONIGHT!”  I think his lowest point would be especially decent of you, Hilary.  Devon thinks they should wait at least a few days for Neil to digest his latest bad news, and then they’ll tell him the truth together.  Okay, but that’s IT.  Devon smiles about how great it’s going to be once they tell the truth, and they can be together, and they won’t have to LIE, to ANYONE.  Right, because no one will ever speak to you again, idiot.

 

Cane says there’s nothing he can tell Lily.  When they were with Victor, he just realized that Jill is more experienced.  “WHY are you LYING to me??  Please, THINK ABOUT what lies have done to our marriage!”  Cane unconvincingly pretends all is well.  Well, Lily noticed that when Devon suddenly came up with the money to buy Chancellor, Cane was upset.  He’s like, who, me?  She gets a text about a room emergency, but promises Cane this conversation is NOT OVER.

 

Mariah knows Summer probably enjoyed testifying against Sharon for payback, but it WASN’T fun for HER!  Mariah, Summer didn’t say it was fun for anyone (but it was), she was complimenting you for being honest on the witness stand.  Haven’t you waited your whole life for Summer to compliment you?  Austin is wincing throughout this conversation.  “It was actually really brave of you,” she says.  “It wasn’t brave, it was STUPID, because Sharon and I got in a fight, and I told her where to shove it, and now I’m HOMELESS!”  Austin’s like, seriously??  Kevin asserts that she is NOT homeless, because he told her she can live with him.  Summer and Austin are like, hmmm, so is she going to?  Mariah gapes.

 

Nick reminds Noah that the judge said they would revisit custody in a year, and that’s what they’re gonna do.  Noah doesn’t think Sharon believes that.  Just reach out and give her something to hold on to, that the situation is going to loosen up if she stays on track.  Riiiight.  Nick says Sharon’s blowup in court that he caused, has got him worried, too.   But he thinks they should just let things settle down and get used to the new normal of Nick winning everything, and let the future take care of itself, since it all works out in his favor. 

 

Nick swears he’ll let Sharon have visitation “if she seems like she can handle it” as determined by him.  “I’m not trying to punish either one of them, dude.”  Noah’s like…but?  “We both know how your mother can react when she’s backed into a corner.  Sometimes she’s incapable of stopping herself.”  I thiiiink…that’s NOAH’S ENTIRE F’ING POINT. 

 

What if Sharon does something damaging?  Noah says she hasn’t, and she won’t!  If Nick takes away any chance of things getting better, what is Sharon’s incentive to take care of herself, HUH?  That’s why he’s just asking you, PLEASE, show her you’re not a brick wall.  Nick says he’s a good son, and he promises to keep an open mind.  I mean, he PROMISES, you guys.  Noah leaves.

 

Faith suddenly SCREAMS from upstairs!  He brings her down and holds her while she bawls her eyes out.  He’ll scare the monster under her bed away.  “That won’t work,” she weeps.  Okay, how about some warm milk?  “I WANT MOMMY!”  DUH! 

 

Sharon comes home, and looks around her empty home, griefstricken.  She stares at the dining table.  FLASHBACK!  She remembers telling Mariah there’s nothing they would love more than to share their family with someone who doesn’t have one of her own.  She would NOT be intruding.  They set the table for five.

 

She stares at the couch, and remembers sitting there with Nick and Faith, and Nick says he’s sorry they didn’t get to the husband and wife part at the wedding.  Faith says, “It’s okay.  You guys were meant to be together, no matter what.”  I think maybe she might have gotten that idea from Nick.

 

Sharon slowly walks to the mantel and looks at all the Happy Family photos, and remembers the Happy Family photo shoot, the day of the last wedding.  It’s like daggers in her heart!  She sweeps all the photos onto the ground!!

 

Lily’s back from dealing with a collapsed bed.  Wow, what a crap hotel.  So, is Cane going to be honest with her now?  Devon interrupts.  “Did I interrupt something?”  lol  He has some not great news.  Neil’s being dropped from the clinical trial.  Uggghhh, say Lily and Cane.  Lily thinks Dad will be FINE, though!  He’s adapted so well to being blind, and she knows it’s because of HILARY.  Cane squints at Devon with contempt while Lily goes on about what a strong, positive force she’s been in Neil’s life.  “I never thought I’d say this…but thank God for her,” Lily says earnestly.  Devon fidgets.

 

Neil joins Hilary again.  Does he want some tea or music or something?  No, he appreciates her trying to cheer him up, but he’s actually glad he’s blind, so he doesn’t have to look in her face and see how unhappy she is.  He knows how much she wants her old life back.  But he CAN give her a good life, and all his heart and love.  “Okay, Neil, STOP!  Don’t say another word!”  She can’t deal anymore.  It’s so wrong.  “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you, but I keep putting it off.  I can’t do it anymore!”

 

Lily goes to check on a customer.  Cane tells Devon she does NOT buy why he gave up the top spot at Chancellor.  She knows something’s going on and that Colin’s behind it.   Does he UNDERSTAND that it’s not gonna take long before she figgers out what is going on with Hilary??  And that Cane’s been covering it up for months?!  Devon does understand this, and he and Hil have made the decision to tell Neil the truth after he’s had a few days to adjust to being PERMANENTLY BLIND.  “Aww, and that’s gonna make him so happy when he finds out his son’s been having an affair with his WIFE behind his back.”  

 

Cane points at him.  “I am done with lying to Lily, do you understand that?”  Yeah, yeah, but if he tells Lily, she’ll go to Neil, and this news needs to come from Devon and Hilary so they can say sorry not sorry, and they totally didn’t mean to hurt him.   “And if Neil can take any of that in, and understand, then that’s my shot at him forgiving me.”  And that’s what’s important.  Cane laughs.  “Well, I wish you good luck with this.  But I am done being caught in the middle, and the truth has to come out as soon as possible.”  Devon smirks.  Why does everybody got to jack his flow?

 

Neil asks Hilary WHAT is wrong?  What does that mean?  “It’s wrong…that you’re not getting your sight back.  And it’s wrong..that you love me, after everything I’ve done to you.  I’m so ashamed!” she sobs into her hand.  He already forgave her for all that.  Why bring that up all of a sudden?  “We are not going down that unworthy road.”  How many times does he have to tell Hilary HE LOVES HER!  Hilary cries that this is impossible!  She can’t do it, so she grabs her coat and runs out the door.  Neil’s like WTH is going on?!

 

Mariah tells Summer her life is NONE of her business.  “IS she moving in with you?” Summer asks Kevin, “Because I am ALL for it.”  Well, that’s not helping Kevin’s case.  Noah walks in and overhears.  Hey, are they going to LIVE together??  Kevin’s shrugging, and Mariah’s all, “OMG, what is WRONG you with you?  Don’t you have anything better to talk about?”  She leaves to clock in.  Austin gets back to work, with Summer trailing behind him like toilet paper on his shoe.

 

Noah tells Kevin this is HUGE!  Is it a done deal?  Kevin’s like, look, he made an offer, Mariah’s considering, they’ll see what happens.  Noah says it’s been a big downer dealing with testifying and their mom feeling betrayed.  Honest, ethical Kevin says, “Why, because you and Mariah didn’t want to go to jail for perjury??”  Noah thinks Sharon will get over it, but in the meantime, he appreciates Kevin looking after Mariah.  Hopefully Sharon will realize this isn’t the end of the world, and that he and Mariah aren’t the enemy.

 

Sharon stares at a photo of Mariah.  “TRAITOR!” she yells at it.  She’s thrown all the Happy Family photos in the fireplace.  She lights a match and holds it near the family photo of Shick and Faith and prepares to burn it….BUT WAIT!  She has a flashback!  She’s standing in the ranch house…lighting her lighter!  She is PISSED…and lights the drapes on fire!  She comes back to the present and reconsiders, as the match continues burning.  Waaaait, maybe burning stuff = crazy.

 

Cane, just tell Lily your secret! She loves you!  You can tell her anything!

 

Devon lies on his bed and pouts.  Hilary runs in and freaks out about how hard it is to keep lying to Neil!  He says to let Neil’s bad news settle before they give him more of it. 

 

Cane tells Lily she’s right.  He has been keeping something from her, but now he’s done.  And he doesn’t want any more secrets.

 

Sharon contemplates burning shit some more, and I guess decides it’s not as crazy if you use the fireplace.  She leans in to set the whole pile ablaze…AND THEN!  THE PHONE RINGS!  She blows out the match and rushes to her phone.  It’s Nick!  “I need help with Faith.”  She had a bad dream, and she’s insisting on her dear, sweet mother, because Nick is shit at this stuff.  Can she come over?  SHE’LL BE RIGHT THERE!!  Sharon finds this so inspiring, she takes her medication on the spot!  Okay, she’s got this!  She races out the door. 

 

Summer keeps assuring Mariah she really did the right thing with her testimony.  Sharon was wrong to use Faith the way she did.  “And Nick was no better!  He used you, and Noah, and anyone else he could find, to badmouth Sharon.”   Summer doesn’t think it was badmouthing, she was just telling the truth!  About one of them.    “Sharon is a danger to Faith and everyone around her,” says bullying, reckless driver Summer.  Honestly, Mariah is safer not living in that house.

 

A big, burly guy walks in and interrupts.  “Hey, lady, I’m looking for Nick Newman.  This is the third time I’ve been by.  If he doesn’t show up, there’s gonna be trouble.”  Noah’s like, you have business with my father?   It’s the building inspector!  Last time he was there, he left word that Nick Newman was supposed to meet him here at 9 pm.  Because that’s when I meet a building inspector.  At nine on a Friday night.  Noah says he’s not around tonight.  Well, this guy’s not surprised.  Noah says this is the first he’s heard of it.

 

Wait, he talked to that Austin kid over there.  Did he give his boss the messages, or not? “I’m not in the habit of keeping things from my employer…sir.”  Hmm, that was vague.  Summer frowns.  Noah says Nick’s tied up with family issues.  Alright, he’ll leave his card.  “This place has STRUCTURAL PROBLEMS.  We need to talk about some solutions, or I need to close down the club immediately.”  Yeah, I hear this part of town is super crummy.  He leaves. 

 

Industrious Summer wants to know if Austin gave Nick the messages!  Well, he kinda got distracted with the Joe Clark mess, and it didn’t seem that important!  The guy’s just a rude jerk anyway.  Well, Summer doesn’t want to hear it!  What if her Dad’s club really shuts down?  That’s just one more complication he really doesn’t need in his life, AUSTIN.  WAAAH!

 

Sharon arrives and expertly soothes Faith’s fears, while Nick watches tenderly.  How...sweet.

 

Cane knows he’s been distracted and doing a lot of things that don’t make sense.  She says it’s best to be open.  He couldn’t agree more…so, here it is.  THE SECRET IS...  Neil walks in and interrupts.  Hilary bolted out the door with no explanation, and won’t answer his calls, and he’s super worried.  Cane grimaces.

 

Hilary clings onto Devon.  He won’t let her go, okay.  She just knows this is all going to blow up.  Ya think?  But Devon thinks if they just keep their heads, everything will be fine.  He promises they will figure this out.  In the meantime, let’s have sex.

 

Lily decides to call Hilary’s office.  Neil tells Cane it was weird.  It was like Hilary about to tell him something that did not sound good…and then she just took off totally out of the blue.  Listen, Cane will try her cell phone again…so how about Neil checks on Devon?  Here’s the key to his private suite.  Cane!  You sneaky devil!  Neil heads off.

 

Mariah says it will just be AWESOME if the club shuts down, because then she’ll unemployed AND homeless.  Kevin says she’s NOT homeless.  Okay, IF she moves in…what are his expectations?  Hmm, he expects lots of hair in the shower, half-eaten yogurts in the fridge, and fighting for the remote control.  Hey, she doesn’t eat yogurt.  Kevin insists he’s just offering as a friend.  Then Mariah accepts as a friend.  They shake on it.

 

Austin watches from the bar and smiles.  He totally called it, Summer!!  Summer, who just told him not to bus the tables so he could listen to her eternal whining, really wishes he had paid as much attention to the BUILDING INSPECTOR as he did to Mariah and Kevin.  Maybe then Nick wouldn’t be in so much trouble!!  Austin thinks maybe she’s exaggerating a wee bit.  They’ll work it out.  “And if they DON’T, Austin, it’s going to reflect REALLY BADLY on you!”  Yeah, Austin, Summer thinks it’s fine that you kidnap relatives and shoot cops, BUT DO NOT FORGET A MESSAGE!!!  Austin’s like, whatever, it’ll be okay.  A draft blows out a candle!  Gasp!  IT’S A HARBINGER OF DOOM.

 

Faith is asleep. Sharon kisses her goodnight.  She starts to leave, but soft piano music starts playing to let us know that Nick’s about to be a Really Good Guy.  He says they’ll talk about visitation in a couple days after they give Faith some time to settle in.  Sharon looks surprised.  “Sure,” she says.  He walks her to the door.  He appreciates her coming by, especially under the circumstances, as in him destroying her life.  “I’m her mother,” Sharon says simply.  “Yes, you are,” Nick says, with meaning.  They say goodnight, and Sharon stands on the doorstep and mentally pulls herself up by her bootstraps.  It’s gonna be okay, you guys.

 

Neil gets up to the hallway of Devon’s suite.  He blinks a lot…and..WAIT.  OMG!  He can see!  He looks at his hands… “Ohhh.  My God!” he gasps.  That’s gotta be about the best feeling ever.  He’s overcome with emotion and surprise.

 

Lily gets back to Cane and says she’s going to call Jack next.  “It’s okay, we can call off the search,” says Cane.  Oh, Dad found her?  “Something tells me he’s about to,” says Cane.

 

Neil fumbles around and gets the card into the slot.  He opens the door… and looks around, squinting.  His vision is kinda blurry…but it’s still clear enough to see Devon and Hilary naked in bed.  Hopefully this doesn’t strike him blind a second time.  They’re so involved they don’t even know he’s standing there.  And he is PISSED!

[peacheslatour]

 

Austin gets back to work, with Summer trailing behind him like toilet paper on his shoe.

OMG, peach!  This is exactly what Dummer is like- a useless, nasty, whining piece of used t.p. that's just dragging around behind him making us point and laugh at how oblivious he is. 

[movinon]

 

Nick says he tried to protect her from all this by starting it.

Nick has to be the dumbest creature on earth.  He is becoming a carbon copy of the idiot, Victor - claiming that he is protecting  the person he is currently destroying.  

 

His vision is kinda blurry…but it’s still clear enough to see Devon and Hilary naked in bed.  Hopefully this doesn’t strike him blind a second time

While we've all been waiting for this moment, it had to be awful for Neil.  The comment is super funny, though.

[valleycliffe]

Austin gets back to work, with Summer trailing behind him like toilet paper on his shoe.

 

THIS has to be the bestest ever description of that idiot dummer.

[MollyB]

 

(Kid playing DS next to me cocks one eyebrow and says, dramatic irony.)

I see the future:  Creative Writing and Critical Thinking course given by Kid at Columbia-long waiting list.

[peach]

I see the future:  Creative Writing and Critical Thinking course given by Kid at Columbia-long waiting list.

His tone of voice was priceless.

 

Really, he is taking creative writing as a freshman in a Catholic high school, and I may have created a monster.  His stories are laugh out loud funny...but they are...not mainstream?  lol  I'm just glad his teacher is like 24 or something.

[peach]

This made me explode with laughter after all our conversations about Phyllis and the alien coma juice.

 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/literary-study-finds-all-modern-narratives-derived,37978/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=LinkPreview:1:Default

[pearlite]

This made me explode with laughter after all our conversations about Phyllis and the alien coma juice.

 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/literary-study-finds-all-modern-narratives-derived,37978/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=LinkPreview:1:Default

 

Right! Thanks, Peach!

 

I'm about to send that link to every pretentious academic I work with... Maybe this requires a listserv.

[peach]

Right! Thanks, Peach!

 

I'm about to send that link to every pretentious academic I work with... Maybe this requires a listserv.

LOL

 

“Even when the conflict is internal, such as that of the titular character in Shakespeare’s Hamlet, it’s one’s internal Alien versus one’s internal Predator—an extension of the classic AvP ur-myth that underpins every fictive struggle.” 

[MollyB]

 

Really, he is taking creative writing as a freshman in a Catholic high school, and I may have created a monster.  His stories are laugh out loud funny...but they are...not mainstream?  lol  I'm just glad his teacher is like 24 or something.

There are only 20 plots (according to my creative writing teacher) might as well make them interesting.

[peach]

Mon, Feb 9    Goodbye, Devon

 

So, Neil’s first sight when his vision came back was Devon and Hilary naked in bed.  He manages not to go 50 Shades on them with his cane, keeping his wits about him instead, and slipping back out the door before they see him.  Hilary tells Devon she really wants to confess but she’s terrified about how Neil’s going to react.  Devon thinks it will all be okay because love.

 

Neil sort of staggers downstairs in shock.  He sees Cane and Lily doing paperwork in the dining room and decides to fake being blind for now.  HA!  I love it.  Cane asks if he found Devon or Hilary.  Neil doesn’t have much to say right now.

 

Jack shows up at Fairview to find Phyllis gone!  A nurse says she was released after her initial psychiatric evaluation.  Well, that was easy.  Nothing to get so upset about, apparently.  “Released?” asks stunned Jack.  “Where did she go?”

 

She went to Victor’s.  Phyllis looks gorgeous in a forest green sweater, and her hair is perfect.  Fairview is better than a spa.  “I couldn’t go back to Jack’s, not after he abandoned me in that mental hospital” for twelve hours.  “Of course you can’t,” says Victor.  He told her she could count on him, so she’s taking him up on that.  Nikki walks in like she’s going to start flapping her arms.  Victor says they have a guest.  “What do you mean we have a guest?” asks Nikki, staring at Phyllis like she’s a Jehovah’s Witness.  Oh, Phyllis is going to be staying with them for a while.  Nikki just stares at him like, are you seriously KIDDING me?

 

Neil asks Cane just why he thought Devon would know where Hilary was?  Umm, uhh, she was upset and maybe contacted Devon.  But why Devon?  “He IS a good listener,” reasons Lily.  Neil pretends Devon wasn’t there, and gives Cane back his key.  Bummer.  Cane gets a call and leaves.

 

Lily sits down with Neil and says he seems sad.  Don’t worry about Hilary because she’s a really strong woman! “That she is,” says Neil.  “She somehow manages to adapt, doesn’t she?”  Lily says Devon told them about his bad news today, and she thinks he really needs to be with Hilary tonight.  Well, Neil’s realized that his wife might not want to be found quite yet.  He mutters that he’s been so foolish and has gone about things the wrong way. Lily doesn’t want him to be upset, but she has to go deal with broken beds or something, so get some dinner, okay?  Neil tells the waiter he’s expecting two more any minute now.

 

Devon and Hilary talk about how hurt Neil’s going to be.  But Hilary says he’s not mean or vindictive or anything, mostly because he doesn't know they're stabbing him in the back.  I’m sure it will be fine.  Devon doesn’t know if being his son will make it easier to forgive him..or harder.  How about… IMPOSSIBLE?  Hilary’s like, what have I done to you guys?  “Sweetheart, please don’t ever regret loving me.  As hard as all this is going to be, I still thank God every single day that I have you.”  Well, I’m sure God really appreciates that, Devon. 

 

Hilary says Neil’s going to need someone to get through all this.  Devon’s like, whatever, Neil has people.  He has Cane and Lily.  “And you?”  Devon will ALWAYS be there for Neil, if he’ll let him.  Looks like you’ve already done plenty of that.  But once they tell the truth they can finally BREATHE again, although the idea that they’ll still be breathing after Lily finds out is a huge assumption, IMO.  Devon smiles that he can finally moon over her in PUBLIC.  It’s going to be SO PUBLICLY ROMANTIC.  She reminds him he’s risking everyone turning their backs on him.  Well, he can face anything if she’s with him.  

 

Can they face THIS?

 

Hilary wants him to promise they tell Neil before Valentine’s Day so Neil doesn’t plan some big surprise.  Devon promises they will surprise Neil instead.

 

Christine and Paul show up at Fairview to get an explanation why Phyllis was released.  A judge ordered her evaluation, after all.  Clearly, he wasn’t very specific.  The doc says he had no reason to hold Phyllis there.  “We were under the impression she was unstable,” says Chris.  “That had yet to be determined, that’s why the court ordered an evaluation.”  Okay, so you DON’T know if she’s stable, but you let her go.  Sounds legit.  Chris gets excited.  “Does that mean you reject the premise that Phyllis was temporarily insane when she poisoned Kelly Andrews?  Have you found her fit to stand trial?!”  I don’t know, but Chris’s crazy bangs running down her face means SHE is temporarily insane.  Lock her up.

 

Jack goes to Kelly’s office to warn her that Phyllis is on the loose, and might stop by there or call.  She hasn’t, but it’s SO NICE to be concerned about her, Jack.  Kelly’s ready to pick out the china after this visit.  “I’m surprised she didn’t go running home to see you?  She didn’t even call?” she asks with ill-concealed glee.  “Gee, that’s kinda hurtful.”  Jack chooses not to see it that way.  Of course not, because he’s DEVOTED to Phyllis.  “But her not reaching out to you…that should tell you everything you need to know, Jack.” 
He reminds Kelly that Phyllis has been through HELL.  He wants to make sure Kelly HEARS HIM that he’s NOT giving up on Phyllis!  He and Kelly have NO FUTURE TOGETHER.  She breathes in like she’s smelling steak.  “Maybe not, but are you so sure you have a future with Phyllis?  Where else would your fiancée rather be, if not with you?”  A light bulb goes off over Jack’s head!  He rushes out, and Kelly just smirks.

 

Nikki needs to speak with Victor privately, please.  Phyllis goes off to freshen up.  “What the hell is going on here?” demands Nikki.  Jack sold her place, explains Victor, so she needs somewhere to stay.   Uh, then she can stay with JACK.  But Jack is the wrong person to stay with!  He’s the one who got her locked up.  Nikki’s like, yeah, because she was in a very bad way!  She still is, says Victor.  She needs someone to rely on!  Generous Nikki says she can rely on SOMEONE ELSE!  He PROMISED her he was going to prioritize their marriage and family, and he turns around and does THIS?  Hmm, well, he just had to sell off beloved Chancellor to please you and your knucklehead son, so maybe shut up. 

 

He’s like what is wrong with helping the mother of our granddaughter?  We all know how much he loves those mothers.  “Oh, Victor, please!  Underneath that sappy sentiment is a much more selfish plan!  You just want to stick it to Jack.  God knows that’s the only thing that matters to you!”  True.  But Victor sighs, because will nothing satisfy this woman?

 

Lily tells Cane that she can tell Neil’s heart is broken.  Cane says life can be unfair.  Lily wonders why everything is suddenly going wrong?!  Beds are collapsing, Neil’s still blind, and Cane still won’t tell his secret!  Is she losing him??  Baby, you’ll never lose him.  But he’s been so distracted, WHAT is going on with him?  What is he keeping from her?

 

Devon strolls downstairs. Hey, Dad, what are you doing here?  Hmm, well, he was looking for his wife.  Oh, did Hilary have a meeting here?  Neil scratches his chin.  “I figured she’d be searching for you.  After all, she shares so much with you.”  Devon frowns.  Neil says Hilary left home, extremely upset.  Oh, well they’re all upset about him not getting his sight back.  Neil’s like, yeah..but it goes way beyond that.  “She said something about things being really wrong…being impossible.  Then she ran out the door.  She was DESPERATE to tell me something, but she just couldn’t do it.  Maybe YOU have an idea what it is?”  Devon does a terrible job of looking confused.

 

The doctor says he’s still reviewing Phyllis’ case.  He hasn’t decided if she can stand trial.   Christine assures him that Phyllis Newman has an extraordinary talent for deception.  The doctor is quite capable of figuring that stuff out, prosecutor, so STFU.  And do something about that hair.  Paul says they will be anxiously awaiting his report.  He’ll let them know.  In the meantime, Ms. Newman will run rampant, I mean, continue counseling with her personal psychiatrist, and get the support she needs, from Beelzebub.

 

Nikki gets off the phone with the guard gate.  Someone actually came back from a smoke break and reported they have another guest.  “You deceived me, Victor.  You led me to believe things would be different.”  He’s like, they ARE different.  Phyllis living there is definitely different.  “No, they are NOT different.  I am still a fool!”  Duh.  How could she think their love wouldn’t be outweighed by anything, INCLUDING his hatred for Jack?  Victor says taking in Phyllis has NOTHING to do with JackAbbott!  “My God, how can you POSSIBLY say that?!”  Hey, HE brought her out of that coma, and promised she could rely on him!  “And that is more important than your commitment TO ME?”  Geez, he’s not going to marry her.  “That’s nonsense!  But when I make a promise, I keep it!”

 

Phyllis interrupts and thanks Nikki for her hospitality. Lol   She knows it’s an imposition.  The doorbell rings.  “Aren’t you going to answer it, we all know who it is,” snaps Nikki.  It’s Jack, course.  “Phyllis is here, isn’t she?” he asks.  “Better here than with you,” says Victor.  Jack bites his lip.  He might have to climb the trellis later.

 

Lily keeps digging for Cane’s secret.  He blathers something about how he doesn’t want to spend too much time away from the kids.  So he wanted Jill to have more responsibility.  Blah family blah.  Lily says there is NOTHING that could ever come between them.  So we all know how that goes.

 

Neil keeps baiting Devon.  Devon thinks emotions are just running high for Hilary.  Huh, is he SURE there’s nothing more?  Nah, not as far as Devon knows.  “Pooor Hilary.  She’s been SO strong.  She was caught in an unexpected situation, being married to a blind man.”  Devon’s like, oh come on now, you’re an AMAZING MAN.  “Am I?” says Neil.  Oh, YEAAAH.  Look how he’s handled being blind!  He can handle anything life throws at him!  “I will always remember those words you just said to me,” says Neil, “as I keep moving forward.”  Devon thinks that’s good!  Lol  “I just know how much you care about me, I do,” says Neil.

 

Neil says he used to be afraid that worrying about Neil was taking its toll on Devon.  But now he’s got a really good woman in his life, and that woman is…Gwen.  Sweet, sweet Gwen.  Devon clears his throat uncomfortably.  Hilary comes down and gives a mopey look before walking out the door.  Of course, Devon doesn’t know Neil just saw that.  “We both have wonderful women in our lives, don’t we?” continues Neil.  “Yes, we do,” says Devon.  Yes, we do. 

 

Neil’s going to take off for the evening.  He holds his hand out for a bro shake with Devon.  “My man,” he says softly. “Goodbye, Devon.”  Aww, man.  Sad feelz.  Poor Neil.

 

Chris throws a hissy fit with Paul that Phyllis isn’t even in custody anymore.  She shakes her head.  “Phyllis is going to get off on a temporary insanity defense!” she says with disgust.  Paul’s like, let it go because babies.  She says stop being overprotective, the doctor says she’s fine.  Okay, but if she can’t find a way to take a couple steps back, Paul’s going to look into some other options.  Like…what?  Are you going to lock your baby mama in the house?

 

Jack wants to speak with Phyllis!  Victor asks Phyllis if that’s okay.  Lol  Jack is fuming.  Phyllis decides it’s fine.  “Come home,” he says.  “Your home?”  “To OUR home.”  Hmm, no thanks.  This is where she’ll be living for now.  Jack’s like, seriously?  With him??  “He’s the one who saved my life,” says Phyllis.  “He ENDANGERED your life!”  Victor asks Jack where HE was while she wasted away in a coma?  This is working on Nikki’s last nerve.  “I’m outta here,” she says, heading out the door, probably to a "charity meeting."  Victor asks Phyllis if she’ll be okay alone with Jack.  “For God’s sake!” spouts Jack.  Victor goes in the other room.

 

“I don’t know how much more clear I can make it,” says Phyllis.  He might say she was wrong or delusional, or that she’s making the biggest mistake of her life, but she is NOT walking out of here with him.  “What if I said that I made the mistake? That I was wrong.  And I will do anything that I have to to make it up to you?”

 

Paul and Chris drink hot chocolate in the park and act sappy and annoying.  He wants her to see the future and think about what they have to look forward to when she thinks about pulverizing Phyllis.  I think that IS what she's looking forward to.

 

Kelly stops Fairview to see Phyllis’ doctor.  Seems legit.  It’s also nighttime.

 

Phyllis says nothing will make her forget what he did to her!  He’s there to plead his case.  She’s not interested!  “Why?  Because you’re worried you’ll come back to me?  Is that why you wouldn’t talk to me yesterday?  Why you’re running from me today?”  She’s not RUNNING.  She’s CHOOSING.  Choosing your arch enemy.  “Without knowing the choices at your disposal?” he asks.  Fine, say whatever he came to say.

 

“I’m here to say I let you down.  You came back to me, and I was less than you deserved.”  He NEVER should have doubted her.  He should have known she would fight her way back.  And he should have SCOURED THE EARTH to find a cure, no matter what the doctors said to him.  And he should NEVER have allowed himself to get involved with another woman!   Phyllis just stares angrily, but she’s listening.

 

“I know you lost a year of your life.   When you woke up, you came running to me.”  My mistake, whispers Phyllis.  “I should have made you feel safe,” says Jack.  “Instead I made you feel unsafe and unsure.  And I will NEVER forgive myself for that!” Phyllis says she made a mistake thinking they could pick up where they left off.  So much time had passed for him.  “I hit the ground running, because that’s who I am.  But it didn’t work.  We can never go back, Jack!”

 

Maybe not, but they can start over!  “Come home with me.  Let me prove I can be the man you need.  I love you!  I still want to marry you.”  That engagement ring was a PROMISE, and…wait…WHERE’S THE RING?!  “I took it off. Because you broke that promise to me.”  Oh, I just figured she pawned it again for some pocket money.  Jack’s blown away.

 

Uh-oh.  Not Blind Neil is sitting at the matchbook bar on the edge of town, listening to the blues.  He’s using all his senses to savor a glass of whiskey…including taste.  He’s startled by his reflection in the mirror behind the bar.  Geez, Louise, I need a haircut!  Oh Em Gee!  He sees Nikki come in the door!  Yes, she will have the usual…and ACK!  There’s NEIL staring at her in the mirror!  “Go ahead, Nikki.  Have a drink!  I am.”  He toasts her.  Nikki’s mouth hangs open.

 

Paul will get Big Brother Dylan to help him put a crib together and blaaaah blah blaaaah.

 

Cane tells Lily that Jill called earlier because they’re thinking of moving Chancellor’s offices to Chicago.  That sounds like a real cost saving measure.  I guess it is, if you’re saving costs on this show.  A major conglomerate wants to lease space to Chancellor, because that’s typically what major conglomerates go around doing, and he and Jill are going to check it out. Who cares about the club!  Lily should totally come along for a romantic getaway!  They kiss. 

 

Devon interrupts because the chef is looking for Lily.  She leaves.  Devon says he almost had a heart attack when he saw Neil was downstairs at the place where they all hang out 24/7.  “Let me guess, because you were upstairs having sex with his wife, right?” snarks Cane.  Devon appreciates him not telling Neil.  But he has to lie to Lily, and HE HATES IT, Devon!  Yeah, yeah, thanks for not telling.  “I don’t WANT your THANKS.  The only reason I’ve not told her is because I know it would CRUSH HER if she knew what you were doing!”  Devon acts like it’s not that serious.  “Do you have ANY idea how much damage you’re about to cause this family??  Do you?”  Devon smirks like a punk.

 

 

Neil turns to Nikki.  “Are you surprised?”  “That you can SEE?  I’m ASTONISHED!”  No one’s more surprised than Neil.  He was blind for months, and then suddenly the lights came back on.  She says that’s wonderful, so…why is he upset?  And drinking?  “Well, because I just saw the devil in disguise.”  She’s pretty sure she left the devil at home, but does he want to talk about it?  NO.  He’s probably there for the same reason she is, to FORGET.  You know, when the people you love and trust let you down.  Yep.  Only it ain’t plural people.  It’s just a person. Victor, huh?  Well, don’t worry, her secret’s safe with him.  He’s supposed to be blind for one thing.  But he won’t tell anybody he saw her at a bar instead of an AA meeting.  “Which is where we really should be,” she says.  No way, says Neil.  You can’t drink at an AA meeting, he says, holding up his glass.  She’s down with that.

 

So what’s up with old Victor?  Is he not keeping his promises?  Nikki says she’s more upset with herself.  She keeps setting herself up to be DEVASTATED.  Phyllis is a bitch and all, but I’m not seeing how this rises to the level of DEVASTATING.  IRRITATING, maybe.  Anyway, she says she’s such an IDIOT!  Neil doesn’t argue.  He knows the feeling. 

 

“I walked in on my wife having sex with my son!” he stage whispers.  Nikki is scandalized!  HILARY AND DEVON?!  Yeah, with music and candles and sheets, goddammit!  “It was the FIRST THING I saw when I got my vision back.” Omg, that’s disgusting!  “What did they say?” she gasps.  Neil left before they saw him. He hasn’t told anyone.  He’s trying to flush out who he can trust.

 

Nikki is horrified and so sorry.  Neil tested Devon and gave him a perfect chance to come clean.  He didn’t.  Nikki tears up.  “They tell ya they love ya, and then they lie right to your face.”  Neil keeps replaying old conversations and memories in a new light.  He’s trying to figure out how long it’s been going on.  And he thinks Cane has known about this damn thing all along.  But God bless Lily, she’s clueless.  “But I’m wondering who else might be making fun of me behind my back.  Or worse yet, making fun of me in front of my face when I couldn’t see!”  He feels SO BETRAYED!  He feels like a FOOL!  Nikki hears ya.  “So what are you gonna do?”

 

Phyllis couldn’t keep wearing that ring.  Not after what happened at Fairview.  Jack says it KILLED HIM to leave her there!  “Then why did you?”  Sure, she knows Michael and Avery said it was the best thing for her defense…WHICH IT WAS, because you waltzed out of there WITHOUT EVEN PAYING BAIL!  So quit yer belly achin’!  But when she SCREAMING for you, Jack?  When she was BEGGING for you not to leave…and you walked away anyway??  “THAT was a KNIFE in my heart!  And you did it AGAIN!  You walked away from me when you should have STAYED and helped me fight for my life!”  But he thought he was keeping you safe!  Like, from home. 

 

But, after ALL of that, she still loves Jack!  She just doesn’t TRUST HIM anymore.  She needs space!  And time to think!  And she needs him to take the ring…and just go.  If he wants to regain her trust, he has to start respecting her wishes.  He takes the ring.  He’ll go, but she should know what his plan is.  “I have every intention of winning you back again, and putting this ring back on your finger.”  He leaves.  Okay, see ya at work!

 

Victor comes in and asks if she’s okay.  She doesn’t know what the future holds.  He says there might be a trial, so she needs to prepare herself for that.  She says she’s going to use her time there to build herself back up, because she is DONE falling apart.  “I refuse to be anyone’s victim again.”  Okay, but stay on your side of the driveway.

 

Phyllis’ psychiatrist is still at work, and it turns out he WANTED to speak with Kelly.  He thinks she could provide some valuable insight into Phyllis’ state of mind.  That seems very ethical and appropriate.  Hopefully he’s trying to find out how crazy KELLY is.  Also ethical and appropriate.  Well, KELLY would be HAPPY to help him in any way she can!  She loves tattling!

 

Devon gets a little pissy and says DON’T imply that he doesn’t care about the repercussions of his actions.  He hates what this is going to do to everybody.  “Well, if you HATE it, you would stop doing what you’re doing.”  He’s TOLD you, Cane, MORE THAN ONCE… “Oh, that’s right, you CAN’T stop doing it because you’re in love,” he sneers and marches out in disgust.

 

Hilary calls from the park.  She really wants to know what Devon and Neil were talking about.  Devon says Neil was just concerned about HER and how she’s holding up.  “That’s my husband.”  He makes this SO HARD by being a caring, unselfish person.  WAAAH!  “But there’s no turning back now,” says Devon coolly. 

 

Neil doesn’t know what he’s gonna do, besides get hammered, but he’s contemplating his options.  Nikki says there aren’t very many ways to go.  He could confront them, or he could try to wait as long as he can and maybe it will end.  Or maybe they’ll tell him the truth.  “Or maybe,” says Neil, “I can make them PAY.”  Yeah, do that one!

[crosby777]

 

The common theme here is NICK NEWMAN ABANDONS PEOPLE.

The common theme here is that Sharon is a pathetic loser. 

[Canadian]

 

So what’s up with old Victor?  Is he not keeping his promises?  Nikki says she’s more upset with herself.  She keeps setting herself up to be DEVASTATED.  Phyllis is a bitch and all, but I’m not seeing how this rises to the level of DEVASTATING.  IRRITATING, maybe.  Anyway, she says she’s such an IDIOT!  Neil doesn’t argue.  He knows the feeling. 

 

Can you imagine having that pathetic loser as a house guest though, it would be devastating to me, no doubt about that...but then again, I wouldn't tolerate it, where Nikki goes off to get drunk, anyone with any spunk would have the annoying gnat Phyllis out in the snow, along with Victor..

[klopek]

Can you imagine having that pathetic loser as a house guest though, it would be devastating to me, no doubt about that...but then again, I wouldn't tolerate it, where Nikki goes off to get drunk, anyone with any spunk would have the annoying gnat Phyllis out in the snow, along with Victor.

Exactly Canadian.  We'd have them out in the snow allllright... shovelling!  lol

 

 

Chris’s crazy bangs running down her face means SHE is temporarily insane.  Lock her up.

Might she be channeling a payot rockin'  Hasidic Rabbi?

[NinjaPenguins]

My favorite line:

“I refuse to be anyone’s victim again.” Okay, but stay on your side of the driveway.

Victor could really contribute something to Genoa City by acting as the town speed bump.

[movinon]

 

I don’t know, but Chris’s crazy bangs running down her face means SHE is temporarily insane.  Lock her up.

Wasn't that the worst???  I's like someone to lock her up, for sure.  I can't stand the bug, but every day she gives me new reason to hate her more.  As you can see, Peaches, I am still watching - thanks for the encouraging words, and I'll hang in there until the plane crash - don't know if I can watch that until after I read peach's re-cap.  It is what it is - a very bad soap....lots of screwdrivers.

[MollyB]

 

a payot rockin'  Hasidic Rabbi?

I read this as 'rabbit' and thought Radishcake was fuckin with us.  Gotta get the cataracts fixed.

[Slowpokey]

Can you imagine having that pathetic loser as a house guest though, it would be devastating to me, no doubt about that...but then again, I wouldn't tolerate it, where Nikki goes off to get drunk, anyone with any spunk would have the annoying gnat Phyllis out in the snow, along with Victor..

Yep now that is the one thing I would not tolerate if I was Drinkki! I would have put my foot down on grampire's  pruney  head as well as the pit viper red menace and sent them both slithering out the door.

[peach]

Tue, Feb 11    Hey, Neighbor!

 

Hey, remember when Adam told Chelsea he needed help picking out furniture?  That seems like a really long time ago.  Anyway, they totally did it.  Picked out furniture, I mean.  I skipped over that during Sharon’s custody trial.  But it was online, so it’s not like it was even a real date.  Sage seems miffed that he got the couch delivered the same day.  I’m really hoping that’s a perk of being rich when I win the Powerball tonight.  I will be expecting my new couch the same day I buy it, okay?  You’d think Sage would be a little more happy about having something to sit her butt down on.

 

Adam’s like, is it my fault I like my wife’s taste?  “Well, she’s your widow, and it’s her taste in MEN that I’m wondering about,” says the idiot crushing on Nick.  Adam says ohhh, okay.  “A loyal man, who would do anything to be with the woman he loves.  That’s someone you’d be lucky to find,” he points out.  “Did you really think furniture shopping would make Chelsea fall in love with you?” mocks Sage.  Hey, she’s ALREADY in love with him, Sage!  No, she’s NOT in love with Gabriel Bingham because he is TAKEN.  In case he missed it, she lives next door WITH BILLY ABBOTT.  Yeah, it’s all he thinks about, but to remedy that situation, he needs her help more than ever.

 

Chelsea calls Billy from Crimson Lights.  She’s been so busy working at Jabot and buying furniture with Gabe, that she wants to bring home takeout for dinner.  Billy’s like, wait, what?  “You bought furniture with Gabriel?”  Oh, he just wanted her designer’s eye, and she LOVES to shop!  Greaaat.  She’ll be home soon!  Billy’s displeased, and THEN, he gets off the elevator to find Adam’s lamp boxes clogging up the hallway!  What the hell?!  “I swear, you give that guy a friggin’ INCH…” and he buys lamps!  Billy pounds on his door.  Adam answers it.  “Heeey, Neighbor! What can I do for ya?”  Billy says, “Heeey, you can get your stuff out of the way so I can get home to my family, that’s what.”  If Billy can’t walk in a straight line, you are REALLY putting him out, you dirty lamp buyer.

 

Sharon is mourning at Crimson Lights.  Chelsea stops by and brightly asks how the custody hearing went.  Sharon says she took Chelsea’s advice and played dirty.  She had to find a way to discredit Nick, so instead of telling the court what she told Nick to his face the other day, she tried the pantsless Sage story.  “So please tell me that did the trick with the judge!”  Sharon says it was the deciding factor…for Nick.  He got full custody. 

 

Summer and Austin show up at Nick’s.  “I’m sorry, I know Noah said not to stop by since Faith was super wiped out,” but I do whatever I want.  Summer’s super glad Nick won custody, and she hopes her testimony helped ruin Sharon’s case.  Nick knows it was hard for pwetty pwincess being cross-examined.  Summer doesn’t mind!  She’d do ANYTHING for Nick, and Faith is a super lucky girl who cries herself to sleep because she’s being raised by the best Super Dad on the planet!!  Super Dad says he’s pretty wiped out himself.

 

Summer says they won’t stay long, the only reason she forced Austin to come over is because he has to tell Nick something, and I guess his phone is dead.  “Thought you were working at the club tonight,” says Nick with narrowed eyes.  “I was, until she dragged me over here,” he gripes.  Summer, WHO DOES NOTHING, scolds him like a child, because the only reason she dragged him over here is because he might not have gotten around to it himself!  Do you hear me, young man?! 

 

Austin tells Nick the building inspector came by looking for him, instead of sending him a letter, like a normal civil servant.  “THREE TIMES!” interjects Summer.  You need to tell the whole story, young man!  She’s not letting you off the hook!  “According to Austin, he came by THREE TIMES and left a message for you to call him.”  Nick says he never got a message!  “Well, that’s the point,” continues Summer, “Now he’s threatening to close the place down” because it’s a dangerous deathtrap.  “CLOSE IT DOWN?” gasps Nick.  “Yes, TONIGHT!” exaggerates Summer.  But, but, they’re BOOKED SOLID for Valentine’s Day, it’s a huge night!  Yuck.

 

Summer says it’s not going to be unless he finds a way to fix this, along with his crappy building.  “You KNEW about this?” Nick accuses Austin.  Let the character rewrites begin.  Hardworking, conscientious, nice guy Austin of yesteryear, who was as cute as a basket of puppies, says it slipped his mind.  WHAT?!  “You know how it is, ya get busy, other things come up,” Austin says sullenly.  Nick is mystified.  What is this “busy” you speak of?  “What other things?”  “Life, work, my real job.”  Whoa, your real job, WHAT?  “For Joe Clark, shooting that commercial video.”

 

“Let me tell you somethin’, kid.  When NO ONE ELSE would hire you because they were afraid of your mistakes, I DID.  I HIRED YOU.”  Like Hero Nick did that for AUSTIN instead of his treacherous whinebag, Summer.  “That means until I give you your two weeks notice, THAT IS your real job.  YOU GOT THAT?”  He really did say YOU GOT THAT?  Also, you can tell NICK has never had “a real job” himself, because employers don’t give you two weeks notice, idiot.

 

Super Dylan brings Avery pizza and wine so she can take a break from child stealing and locking her sister in a nuthouse.  AVERY NEEDS A BREAK!  Let someone take care of Avery for a change, “like some jerk” who accused her of going behind his back in Joe’s hotel room.  And now he wants to make it up to her.  They kiss, and then Joe shows up, of course.  “Excuse me.  Avery, you got a minute?” he says, pleased as punch.  I think he just follows Dylan around so he can “surprise” him with Avery all the time.

 

“Avery’s busy!  Next time call for an appointment!” says Dylan.  Joe says he’s there to see Michael, actually.  “YOU EXPECT US TO BELIEVE YOU ARE HERE AT THIS HOUR LOOKING FOR A LAWYER?!” storms Dylan.  “What you believe is irrelevant,” says Joe, “but it’s the truth.”  Avery calmly says he can reach Michael on his cell phone.  “YOU WANT THE TRUTH?  YOU SAW THE LIGHT ON AND FIGURED YOU’D HAVE A CHANCE TO GET AVERY ALONE!”  Joe smugly says he’s already had Avery alone.  Ouch.  And she came to him on her own volition. 

 

Dylan yells louder.  “ARE YOU SAYING SOMETHING HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU TWO?”  Now Avery gets mad.  “Dylan, nothing happened and you KNOW THAT!  You said you believed me, was that just an act?”  Joe says face it, Avery, Dylan’s not the man she thought he was.  “But you’re exactly who I thought you were,” he sneers.  Dylan glares.

 

Poor Nick calls the 24 hour “building inspector” who is probably shaking him down for the mob, and apologizes for not getting back to him.  His bartender didn’t want to interrupt him while he had big family stuff going on.  He can meet him RIGHT NOW.  He’s on the way.  Austin offers to go with him and explain everything to the guy.  Seems reasonable, but Nick says it’s a little late for that.  He’s just gotta find a way to keep this inspector from shutting them down.  Lazy Summer says she’s so sorry.  If they had known sooner, she would have totally done something about it.  Or more likely demanded Mariah do something about it.  Nick knows. “I forget sometimes just how young you two are,” he gripes, even though he lets them run his bar.  “OH, and can you stay here and watch Faith” on the worst night of her life, you reckless, irresponsible youngsters?  He leaves.

 

Austin rolls his eyes.  Geez, could he have come down on him any harder?  Then calls him a kid.  Austin’s surprised he didn’t bring up his rap sheet, which actually, he kind of did.  “Oh, yeah, and thanks for having my back over there.  It’s nice to know you’re always by my side,” he snaps.  “I CAN’T DEFEND YOU, AUSTIN!  Not when I agree with him!” says wise, hardworking Summer.  She can only cry and defend you when you commit felonious armed criminal action.  “Look, YOU MESSED UP,” Message Forgetter!  I have no choice but to emasculate you!

 

Oh, Sharon, Chelsea is REALLY sorry.  She shouldn’t have encouraged her to fight dirty.  Nah, it was David’s plan anyway.  And it was going really well, until Mariah had a sudden attack of honesty at the wrong time.  She said Faith misunderstood what was going on with Nick’s friend.  Chelsea’s like, oh yeah, Nick’s friend, Sage.  “You know her?” Sharon asks in surprise.  Yep, in fact, she and Gabriel Bingham just moved across the hall from her! 

 

Sharon’s like…they’re a couple?  Do they seem happy?  As far as Chelsea can tell.  That’s why she knew there was nothing going on with Sage and Nick when she saw them together, except for how there was.  Sharon says that’s good to hear.  Chelsea speaks for us all when she says, ”Ohhh, Sharon.  You don’t still think there’s a chance for you and NICK, do you?”  Sharon flaps like Jack.  Flapjacks.  I’m cracking myself up over here.

 

Okay, YES, Sharon deserves to be shaken hard and possibly slapped for this thought, but in fairness, even if you don’t want someone back, who wants to see the guy who just dumped you and stole your kid moving on happily with some other chick?  NO ONE, that’s who.  But girl, you need help.

 

Well, Billy’s complaining earned him the job of carrying in boxes.  WTG, dumbass.  Gabe thanks him, he doesn’t know what he would DO without neighbors like them!  Sage sits on the counter and puts her filthy boots on the arm of the new couch, which Adam has to remove.  Yeah, Billy heard this was all Chelsea’s doing.  “Yeah, it turns out she and I have pretty much the same taste,” Adam says happily.  Billy’s choking on this.   He’s surprised SAGE didn’t have more say so in picking out her own furniture.  Sage really must not want Gabe’s inheritance, because she says she had no choice in picking out her own home, so what’s the difference? 

 

Adam puts his arm around her.  “That’s a bit of an exaggeration, sweetheart.  We both agreed I would find us a place to live while you… you know.. just continued toooo…”  “To what?  What exactly is my role here?” she asks sarcastically.  Umm, I was under the impression it was to being fake married to split a gigantic fortune.  It’s not Adam’s fault she doesn’t have any hobbies.  Billy’s like, awk-ward, so he should go.  But Sage really wants to be poor and asks Billy for some neighborly advice.  “How do two people live together when one of them is living a lie?”  Billy’s like, awk-warder.

 

Adam angry pouts on the edge of the sofa.  Billy says he should probably head out…but who could resist?  Uh, what lie are they talking about?  Adam offers to field this one, sweetheart!  He walks around and starts strongly massaging Sage’s shoulders, and pushing her down in the couch.  It’s their living arrangement, see.  It’s new to both of them, and he thought everything was FINE (push) and hunky dory (push) and that’s obviously not the case (push).  He visibly restrains himself from snapping her head off, and Billy’s like, omg, this is super uncomfortable. 

 

Adam says they’re fine though, and they’re going to BE fine, it’s all minor stuff to iron out, like he’s ironing out her shoulders.  “Far be it from me to contradict you on anything so insignificant as real estate deals or sofas,” says Sage.  Billy’s like ooookay, well, gotta go!  You two have FUN.  Adam could really use some backup, bro.  “Yeaaaah, well, I’m really kinda anxious to get home to my little boy, soo…”   The humor goes out of Adam’s anger.  “Your little boy?”  Billy frowns.

 

Sharon, pleeeease tell Chelsea she’s not thinking that way.  Not after what Nick put her through today.  Sharon knows, she couldn’t imagine even talking to him again, much less hold out hope they’re getting back together again.  “I may have my issues, but I am NOT delusional.  I realize that Nick and I are over.  But maybe one day we’ll be friends again.”  Ugggh, but you don’t WANT to be over.  STOP THIS! 

 

“Seriously, Sharon??  Friends?”  Well, he called her and asked her to comfort Faith tonight.  Chelsea says that’s a long way from BFFs.  “Ya gotta start somewhere.”  Mmm, it kinda seems to Chelsea like Faith manipulated Nick, and he just tossed up his hands, and said you deal with it.  Oh, Chelsea, it wasn’t like that all!  Nick knew Faith needed her.

 

“Okay, well it kinda sounds like Nick is calling all the shots.  It’s not like you two talked and mutually decided what was best for Faith.”  That’s kinda the opposite of sole custody.  Chelsea just doesn’t want Sharon to make more of it than what it was, so she doesn’t set herself up for more pain.  “But when YOU were in a similar situation with Adam, you two worked out your issues.”  Well…yeah.  But they never got their happy ending.  Sharon tears up.  She’s given up hope for a HAPPY ending, but she would take civil.  And that one day Nick will realize joint custody is best for everyone. 

 

Nick works fast.  He met with the 24 hour building inspector and is already hiring a 24 hour building contractor.  He hands him a notebook with the gigundus list of stuff Nick has to fix.  So can the guy do it this week?  Sure!  Whew!  Nick has a lot of people who must hate their dates that are coming for Valentine’s Day.  He doesn’t want to let them down!

 

Dylan’s all worked up.  “You’re a lousy judge of character, Joe!  Partnering with Victor Newman proved that!  If you think you know me, you’re dead wrong!”  Joe says Dylan’s quite predictable.  It’s only a matter of time before he self-destructs.  “Oh, that’s YOUR M.O.  Self-destructing your marriage!”  That…doesn’t even make sense.  Avery says she doesn’t want to get into THAT, please.  Dylan says there’s no reason to. Joe will never start over with Avery, because unlike him, Dylan’s going to do everything he can to make things right with her!  “Well, your temper says otherwise.”

 

E-NOUGH, says Avery, storming out.  Dylan starts to go after her.  “I wouldn’t do that,” chides Joe.  “The harder you try, the more it’s gonna push her away.”  Dylan says Joe would love that, so he could swoop in and make up for all the mistakes he made the first time.  The only mistake he made was allowing Dylan in between them!  “YOU came between YOU!” says Dylan.  He’s not very good at this.  He starts out again, and Joe grabs his arm.  “I’m not done talking to you!”  Dylan turns, and KAPOW!  He punches Joe in the mouth!  THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR SAYING I HAVE A TEMPER, BITCH!  “There’s that temper again,” says Joe.  Dylan stomps out.  He only hits you when you’re bad, Joe.

 

Chelsea gets home and overhears Billy explaining to Gabe how he’s not Connor’s real father but he loves him like he’s his own.  Except for when he reminds him OF ADAM!!!  Omg, the furniture placement isn’t right.   Oh, well, can Chelsea stay and fix it?!  Sure!  Billy’s like, uhhh, we have to pay the sitter so she can get home.  Hey, can you just do that, Billy, oh, and heat up dinner in the microwave.  Uh, suuure, he says, wincing.  Sage is outta there, too.  “But don’t you want to help decide where to put the furniture?” asks Chelsea.  “Eh, as far as I’m concerned, it can all go in the Dumpster.”  Along with my inheritance.  “Have fun playing house,” she sneers and leaves.  Chelsea feels bad.  She didn’t mean to cause a fight with his girlfriend!   Adam grimaces.  “About that…uhh, Sage isn’t my girlfriend.  She’s my wife.” 

 

Summer angry pouts and lurches around the tackhouse.  She reports that Faith is still asleep.  “At least something about this damn day is going right,” Austin gripes.  He grabs a beer from the bar fridge and then pauses.  “Wait, should I ask for permission?  I mean, your dad’s liable to put me in time-out.”  Summer says THAT’S NOT FAIR.  WAAAH.  Her dad has been one of his biggest supporters and gave him a job when nobody else would!  He’s grateful, but that doesn’t mean he wants to mix martinis the rest of his life!  He wants to live off his talents, not his FIL’s generosity!  That’s why she loves him!  Then why isn’t she supporting him on this!  He only forgot because he was trying to restart his career!

 

“If that’s how you felt, then maybe you shouldn’t have come down on Joe for dropping the commercial!”  Umm, what? She makes less sense than Dylan. “So it’s my fault he reneged on his offer?”  SUMMER NEWMAN says “I wish you would just stop and THINK before you ACT!  That’s what got you in trouble with the law!”  Yeah, and that’s the reason he married her, too.  BURN!  Or maybe she wants a redo on that one, he says.  Summer’s jaw drops!

 

Dylan sits in the park and ices his beat up knuckles in the snow.  Joe has one hard face.  Sharon happens by.  “Should I even ask?”  Dylan just feels like a sucker for letting someone get to him.  Poor Dylan.  He hates it when he has to punch the shit out of people.  “Let me guess. His name begins with Joe and ends with Clark?”  Dylan doesn’t want to talk about it, but Sharon says she owes him a listen.  She doesn’t know what she would have done without him by her side at the verdict.  She hopes she didn’t cause him any trouble at home.  No, Joe Clark does that.  He doesn’t know when to back off.  “It’s hard letting go,” Sharon says sadly.  Especially when it’s not a clean break, but an affair, says Dylan wisely.

 

Avery comes back in her office.  Joe turns around with a cold can of soda on his busted lip.  (People from Chicago say “pop,” show.)  “What happened?!”  Does she have to ask?  Well, Avery’s sure Joe provoked him!  “Dylan would be provoked if a monk so much as looked at you,” and lured you to his hotel room with fancy jewelry.  Avery says he’s very [violent]protective.  “To a fault,” says Joe.  “Whereas you were the complete opposite when we were together.  Like that Valentines’ Day you barely paid attention to me,” she says with a tsk tsk face.

 

Fake Flashback!  They’re in a crap bar that looks suspiciously like the crap bar where Neil and Nikki are getting drunk right now.  It’s even crappier with a paper Valentine decoration on the table and super ugly curtains.  I bet they have good hot wings though.  SHE thought they had reservations at the Starlight Room.  Joe can't look away from his phone while he says this place was closer to the strip mall his client wants to buy.  How romantic, Joe.  He doesn’t even hear her.  She sighs. 
 

This dude at the bar walks up and asks her to dance.  She kind of laughs it off until she realizes Joe doesn’t even NOTICE.  She’s like WOW.  He walks off talking on his phone, so she jumps up and tells the guy, yeah, she would LOVE to dance with him.  And she does!  I wonder if this is how she hooked up with Dylan.  Joe never does notice.

 

Back in Avery’s office, Joe asks what she is talking about??  “It did NOT at all go down that way!”

 

Joe’s Fake Flashback!  He tells the guy on the phone it will have to wait for tomorrow because he’s out with his wife.  He hangs up and sees Avery slow dancing with a total stranger.  He turns into Puddy and says, “Hey, Footloose.  Dance is over.”  Dude’s like come on, man, it’s Valentine’s Day!  “Yeah, and if you wanna see the rest of it, you’ll get lost.”  The guy steps off resentfully, and Joe and Avery dance together.

 

Back in Avery’s office, Joe says he saved her ass, literally.  Lol  She says if that man had put his hands there he wouldn’t have any left.  They argue about what really happened.  He can’t believe she’s painted him as so dispassionate and uncaring.  He knows he wasn’t the best husband, but he certainly wasn’t the worst!  No, she admits.  “I get it.  You had to make me out that way to justify your affair.  Don’t bother saying it…that I’ve rewritten history, and you had every right to cheat on me.”  Avery denies she was going to say that.  She says whatever really happened, their marriage ended because of her.  She was the one who bailed.  “And I want you to know I’m sorry.”

 

Avery says she and Joe were both pretty young, and she should have realized she wasn’t an afterthought to him.  “And I should’ve worked harder to save our marriage,” she admits.  Joe says he should have found a way to show her how important she was to him.  If he had it to do over again…  He looks down at her engagement ring.  “Who am I kidding?  Nobody gets second chances like that.”  He should go, but Avery says they have unfinished business.

 

Sharon and Dylan get to the cottage where she wants to give him an icepack for his hand.  They walk in and see the pile of broken stuff from before.  Oops, Sharon forgot about that.  She wouldn’t have brought him in if she’d remembered.  She’d just gotten back from court after Nick won custody…to this empty house.  “How much can one person bear?” she asks.  She couldn’t bear to look at those memories.  Well, Dylan is probably the ONE person who isn’t going to blink at broken up belongings, and he starts trying to help clean it up.  Awww.   Sharon is so embarrassed.  She says she’ll get it!  “And the matches?” he says with concern.  “Yeah.  And the matches,” she whispers with despair.  She PROMISES she’s ALL RIGHT now, knowing that Nick hasn’t shut her out of Faith’s life completely!  Dylan’s like, dude, what if NICK had seen this instead of him?!  Faith could be out of her life for good!

 

Nick sends the contractor on his way, and visits with Sage.  He tells her he WON today!  That’s WONDERFUL.  But Hero Nick knows he can’t isolate Faith from her mother now that’s she’s been punished.  She touches his hand and tells him he’s a Good Guy and Really Good Father.  He asks why she’s there drinking alone instead of chilling at home.  It ain’t that kind of marriage.  And she’s not drinking alone, amirite?  They drink a couple shots, and he says he has to get home to Faith.  “And Nick?  Did I mention you were a Good Guy?” Uh, yeah, you did.  Geez, tone it down, lady.  He smiles and leaves.  I guess Sage will lock up.

 

So Adam tells Chelsea a different version of the marriage story, and says he and Sage decided to elope.  But ever since the I Do’s, it’s been all I Don’t’s.  Were she and Adam like that??  Oh, they fought all the time!  REALLY?  About what?  Well, she said some other guy was Connor’s dad, and he killed a kid.  But if you love someone like she loved Adam, you work on it.  You don’t give up!  Even when--  “Even when one of you does something unforgivable,” he says softly.  Tension.  Adam gazes at her and says he asked her once if she could ever forgive Adam for covering up that poor little girl’s death, but he asked her the wrong question.  “I think I should have asked you…if your husband walked through that door right now…would you take him back?”  Chelsea stares.

 

“Would you have stood by Adam?  Through the trial, the jail time, after what he’d done?”  Chelsea says she never had to make that choice.  But what if she did?  Because, ummmm, it would give him hope for his relationship with Sage, because they must have an extremely dysfunctional relationship.  Chelsea tears up.  The truth is, she doesn’t know.  She used to spend so many sleepless nights asking that question.”  “Used to?” worries Adam.  Well, loving Billy and raising Connor together, helped her to put those feelings out of her head.  She’s focused on the FUTURE now, she says, trying not to cry.  She’s too upset to do feng shui now, she has to go home.  Adam looks crushed, and Chelsea rushes into the hallway and weeps!  Billy comes out.  Chels, what’s wrong?!

 

Summer wants to know how Austin can say that?!  “All I want to do is stay married to you!!”  Austin swills his beer.  “That’s the problem!  It’s always about what YOU want.  You grew up having everything handed to you, and now you expect ME to cater to you just like everyone else.“  She expects him to be the perfect SIL, and that means being the perfect BARTENDER.  Summer bitches and moans that she doesn’t expect him to be the perfect ANYTHING.  UNEMPLOYED BARFLY SUMMER says, “As long as you’re waiting for something else to come along, WHY can’t you KEEP YOUR MIND on the JOB you’ve been hired to DO?!”  Unless I want to pretend we’re in Aspen, or I just want to go home and have sex.  “You just don’t get it,” says Austin. “Maybe you just don’t get me.”

 

Nick gets home.  Did Faith wake up?  No, she remarkably stayed asleep while Summer loudly and shrilly complained at her slacker husband.  Nick says it’s going to work out with the building inspector.  “No thanks to me, right?” says Austin.  “You screwed up, kid.  But because I love my DAUGHTER so much, I’m not firing you.  But something like this CANNOT happen again.”  Whatever, Austin QUITS.  “Austin, you cannot just QUIT!” wails Summer.  He can and he does!  “Live with it,” he sneers, and walks out. Well, she can live with it, because she has a trust fund. 

 

Sharon gives Dylan an ice pack for his clobberin’ hand.  He insists he doesn’t need it.  “Yeah, and I don’t need to keep a lid on my emotions.”  They laugh.  She thanks him for reminding her to stay in control.  She can’t afford to go off the rails.  Dylan can use a reminder every now and then himself.  “You and I both tend to go from zero to 100 sometimes, don’t we?” says Sharon.  Dylan wishes he could find somewhere in between.  That’s 50, Dylan.  The last thing he wants to do is screw things up with Avery, but he’s afraid that’s exactly what’s happening.

 

Avery dabs at Joe’s lip with a cotton ball.  He kisses her hand.  She thinks they should call it a night.

 

Summer CANNOT BELIEVE that Austin just did that!  Nick tells him his job is secure and then he throws it in his face?!  “FOR WHAT?  To go after HIS DREAM?!”  That dream following, message forgetter!  Nick’s cool with it.  “That’s what I did.”  Well, Summer is sure he wasn’t so RUDE, and SELFISH and irresponsible about it!   Nick thinks Victor would disagree with that.  Look, go find him and tell him he still has a job if he wants it.

 

WAAAH, Summer CAN’T GO ON THIS WAY!!  SHE can’t go around watching every single word she says around him!!!  Wow, it is SO like that, you guys.   She has to be SO CAREFUL when she orders him around and controls his time and tells him what he’s allowed to say.  She can’t go on apologizing for having money in the bank or an evil villain family she’s proud of.  “I..I just won’t do it,” she whines.  HOW MUCH IS SUMMER SUPPOSED TO SACRIFICE?!

 

Austin sits next to his “I quit” box of stuff at The Underground and drinks another one of Nick’s beers.  A bad boy song plays, something about taking control and tasting your skin.  He gets out his phone and texts…UNKNOWN.  “U awake?”  Unknown says, “Yeah.  What did you have in mind?”  Austin bad boy smirks devilishly.  Because he’s a bad boy.  That basket of puppies is going to chew up all your favorite shoes.

 

Omg, Chels, if that Gabe guy made you cry…  Chelsea tells Billy to relax.  It was just that Gabe reminded her..of..[Adam] Delia.  And she remembered what time of year it was.  Billy’s like, oh, yeah, that’s right.  Delia’s birthday.  His sweet Valentine girl.  Oh well, he’ll just have dinner with his new sweet Valentine girl.  Don’t get too upset, Billy.  They go home, and Adam opens his door and looks crushed some more.

 

Dylan and Sharon finish cleaning up her breakdown mess.  She says now no one will ever know she completely lost it in there.  Dylan says you’d think he’d learn his lesson someday.  She says maybe they both will.  “You should go home, Dylan.  Go tell Avery you love her.  And stop sabotaging your life.”  He says same for her. He’s gonna call her out if he sees her [going crazy] risking her happiness.  And he’s counting on her to do the same for him.  Deal!  Knuckle bump!  They smile at each other for perhaps longer than necessary.  They had a moment, you guys.

 

Avery and Joe are having a moment reminiscing about each other’s favorite pizza.  He leaves.  Avery flashes back again to her ending that supposedly crappy Valentine’s Day dancing romantically and happily with Joe.  Joe remembers the same thing while waiting for the elevator.  She stares wistfully out the door.  THEY HAVE A CONNECTION.

[movinon]

 

“I CAN’T DEFEND YOU, AUSTIN!  Not when I agree with him!” says wise, hardworking Summer.  She can only cry and defend you when you commit felonious armed criminal action.

Will someone just shoot this annoying child?  Since she's JFPs personal spawn (sort-of), there's no hope for her to be a Valentine's Day casualty.  Now her nastiness seems to be trailing onto Austin, who has been perfectly nice, so far.  What's with him suddenly picking fights with anyone who comes near him?

[peach]

Wed, Feb 11   That's Love Percolating!

 

Phyllis is back in the mental hospital in her housework clothes, and is pounding on the door for Jack to let her out.  She’s supposed to be free now!!  “I can’t help you.  You’re where you need to be right now,” he says, and walks away.  Tsk tsk, says a candy striper behind her.  It’s KELLY.  “Let him go,” she coos, “there’s nothing he can do for you.”  Phyllis stares while Candy Striper Kelly picks up a giant syringe with neon green fluid in it.  “This will fix you…right up,” she smirks like a total maniac, squirting the syringe.  Phyllis bolts awake on the couch!  That.Was.Awesome.  She has the best nightmares.

 

I’m not sure waking up is any better, because Victor is sitting there watching her.  “It’s all right,” he says, “it’s just a nightmare.”  Phyllis says after being locked up in a mental institution, things get a little jumbled up.  “I know,” says Victor.  FLASHBACK!  Victor’s strapped down in a hospital bed, looking around like wtf is going on?  “It was a long time ago, but I remember.  I know how you feel,” he says.  “Everyone else on the outside thinking you’re nuts, when you know you’re not.  You don’t know who to turn to.  But you’re with me now, and you’re safe, K?”  This is possibly an example of “out of the frying pan, into the fire.”  Also, isn’t it in Phyllis’ best interest to BE considered nuts right now?

 

Jack is sitting in Crimson Lights, giving Summer the low down about finding Phyllis at the RANCH.  Summer’s like, Grandma and Grandpa’s house??  WHY?  I hate you, Summer, but I like that white blouse and gray vest.  Victor’s up to something, clearly.  Summer says Grandpa has always wanted her mom to get better.  “It makes NO sense for Phyllis to live at the ranch,” insists Jack.  Summer apologizes for yelling at him the other day, but she wasn’t wrong about what she said.   Summer is never wrong.  She’s a Newman.  Mom probably doesn’t trust him now.

 

Jack explains to the know-it-all infant that it was Fairview or JAIL.  It was the ONLY way to prevent Phyllis from being charged.  Summer doesn’t still blame him, does she??  No, but they both know how Phyllis thinks.  She’s vindictive and unforgiving.  Still, Jack says they have to get her off that ranch!  They have to find her a place to live!  “What, YOUR house?  Where KELLY used to live?  Maybe it’s better that Mom stays away!”  Right, Jack, you should really give up your family estate because Kelly lived there for a few weeks. 

 

Jack will work for as long as it takes to win Phyllis back, and love and support her forever and yon.  Will Victor do that??  Summer says if Mom thinks the ranch is where she’s supposed to be…  “Victor moved her there for a REASON, and it wasn’t out of the goodness of his heart.  I know Fairview is a frightening and lonely place.  But being in Victor’s orbit is just plain dangerous.” 

 

Christine marches triumphantly into Avery’s office.  She drops the psychiatrist’s report on Avery’s desk.  “Enjoy the read.  I’ll see you and Phyllis in court.”  I guess the uncorroborated story of another crazy person with a vendetta really nailed Phyllis to the wall.

 

Billy’s setting up plenty of romantic decorations for Valentine’s Day.  Don’t let Delia’s birthday get ya down, Billy!  The cherry on top is that he dressed up CONNOR as Cupid.  Adam would totally lose his shit if he saw that.

 

Meanwhile, Chelsea’s knocking on Adam’s door.  He opens it, and angels sing.  He’s finally ditched the black tank top for NO shirt at all.  This guy’s hotter than Georgia asphalt.  Chelsea can’t remember why the hell she’s even there.  She has to, like, stare at the door to collect her thoughts.  She has some kind of invitation or something?  Maybe?  She’s not sure.  “How does dinner sound?” she finally gets out.  Sounds perfect!  You'd think she'd remember THIS part of Adam. 

 

He has mercy on Chelsea and puts a black t-shirt on.  So where is dinner?  At her place, but the important thing is getting Sage on board.  This dinner is to help her fall in love with Gabe all over again.  “Love is love.  It’s always there,” says Chelsea.  Certain things just sometimes get in the way.  Should she mind her own business, or does he want to give it a shot?  Oh, Adam thinks she might really be onto something!  He’ll get Sage on board!  Great!  Joke, flirt!  He watches Chelsea go back across the hall and sighs with love.    <sigh>

 

Sage gets off the elevator and laughs at him just leaning in the doorway all lovestruck.  Adam says her fake snit last night really paid off!  Chelsea thinks she’s mad at him!  “That wasn’t a FAKE fight,” snaps Sage, “it was REAL.”  Adam snorts.  “Well, real, fake, it doesn’t matter.  She’s worried about our love.  So put on something more festive, we’re going to dinner at the neighbors’!”  It’ll be fun. Chelsea promised!

 

Chelsea gets home.  Oh, no, what is she wearing?  Is that a floral jumpsuit?  Blergh.  She laughs that Billy is a lunatic for the Cupid costume.  He’s ready to leave Connor with the sitter and get out of there!  Chelsea’s like…oh.  Just the response he was looking for.  Well…she made dinner plans with Gabriel.  Billy can’t even.

 

Mariah’s slicing limes.  I’ve never thought about how much time bartenders must spend doing this, but according to this show, it’s a LOT.  Kevin chats with her, and they tease each other about their roommate habits.  Mariah discovers a fancy envelope.  It’s a mysterious, professionally printed invitation to a Valentine’s Day party, at the Abbott Cabin.   No idea who it’s from.  “People in this town are so corny,” observes Mariah.

 

Jack shows up at Avery’s.  She promises they WILL “deal with it.”  Jack’s like, whoa, what is IT?  Phyllis’ psych eval is in, and they’ve determined she’s competent to stand trial.  WHAT?  She doesn’t remember a single thing about planning or executing Kelly’s attempted murder.  That is not a woman who should be held accountable for her actions!  Because who would lie about something like that?  Avery says there’s more.  “The doctor says Phyllis is lucid, clever, and calculating, exceedingly so.  Fully aware of her surroundings, her actions, and repercussions.”  Avery says this assessment is FORCEFUL.  “This report alone could convict Phyllis.”  Who needs evidence?

 

Victor’s on the phone with Dr. Barrett!  The plot thickens!  “Did you speak to the woman I mentioned, Kelly Andrews?” So, HE’S behind this? Oh, yeah, Kelly provided SUBSTANTIAL insight into the situation.  I’m sure checking in with someone’s love rival is an excellent path to diagnosis.  “Phyllis Newman is SANE,” declares Kelly’s new BFF.  Victor says that’s very good news!  Thanks, Dr. Barrett.  Phyllis walks in and hears him.  “And you wanted me to TRUST YOU?  What are you doing?  Asking them to come and get me??”  Slow down, says Victor.  “I’m on your side, and I might be the only one.”  Right, until they come with the sedatives and the straitjackets?!  He promises no one is coming to take her anywhere.  “JackAbbott may think you’re mentally unbalanced, but I don’t.  And neither does Dr. Barrett.  You’re safe, and you’re mentally sound.  And you’re innocent.”  Phyllis stares suspiciously.

 

Now Adam’s wearing his sexy Aquaman shirt.  Sage decided “something festive” was a black cocktail dress with lots of slits cut out over her cleavage.   Adam’s holding a basket of flowers that are for her. “You’re laying it on thick, doncha think?” she says.  Gross, they aren’t from HIM!  Aww, they’re from Nick.  Adam’s like, ewww.  So she had a few drinks at his club and now he’s sending her flowers?  “How drunk did you GET, Sage?  And you’re supposed to be married to ME, quit sucking up to my brother.”  THIS is a business relationship that’s going to END eventually, Adam, and when it does, she might want a real relationship! 

 

Adam grimaces.  “With Nick?  Okay, well good luck with that, because Shick will get back together at least half a dozen times before you’re even available.  It’ll be Shick until the End Of Time, even if he is punishing her right now,” he says in the same tone you or I would use.  That’s hard to argue with.  Although maybe we could fit a bout of Shadam in there, too?  Maybe?  A long weekend?  “And Chelsea’s going to leave Billy for Gabriel?  Good luck with THAT one.”  He says they’ll get their second chance!  “Mm hmm, well, she invited you over to save YOUR marriage.  I’m sure she TOTALLY wants you.” 

 

Adam says she wants him to be HAPPY.  “That’s called chemistry! Perhaps you’ve heard of it. That’s love percolating,” he says, snapping his fingers.  Lol  “That’s love just waitin’ to happen!” he grins.  “And waiting and waiting and WAITING and WAITING AND WAITING!” she says over him while he insists Chelsea made it abundantly clear she’s NOT over Adam!  I seriously could watch these two argue all day long.  I think they love it. “And here I stand!  Occasionally shirtless!  It will be Chelsea, and Connor, and me.  And we’re going to be family again.”

 

“Gee, a romantic dinner for four, with semi-strangers,” pouts Billy.  “Is it too weird?” asks Chelsea.  He just wanted an early celebration for the two of them because on the actual day he won’t be Party Central because Delia. He’s okay today, though. I think Chuck Pratt got the memo that THIS show is supposed to have gorgeous flowers, and lots of them.  Yay.  Crash all the planes you want.

 

Chelsea says she’ll reschedule.  It’s just that marriage is supposed to be a happy time.  Who got married?  THOSE TWO??  Yep, they eloped.  But Chelsea can tell things are a bit dicey.  Billy rightly thinks Gabriel and Sage are a hot mess.  But his ego decides they can come for dinner so Chilly can show them what real love looks like.  “Maybe I can be a role model,” preens Billy.   Maybe Gabe can be an underwear model. 

 

Christine meets Paul at Crimson Lights and kisses him enthusiastically.  She is OVER THE MOON about what an awesome world they’re bringing a baby into!  Ah, the psych report came in?  YES!  “And it says she is sane, and calculating, and fit to stand trial,” she purrs, like she’s talking about delicious chocolate truffles.  “And when I bring her up on that stand, I am going to break her. I’m going to break her into tiny little pieces, and I’m gonna PUT those pieces—“  CHRIS, JUST STOP IT RIGHT NOW, interrupts buzzkill Paul.  Wait!  Where’s she gonna put those pieces?!  Inquiring minds want to know!  Chris smirks.  Paul is zero fun.

 

Jack stares out the window.  “I had Phyllis admitted to Fairview.  And what did I accomplish?!  We have no legal defense.  She doesn’t trust me!  She doesn’t trust YOU.  And now Victor is sucking her into his universe.”  He doesn’t get it. What kind of doctor IS this?  Phyllis was spinning out when they brought her in there.  It was REAL and it was brutal!  Avery says but they KNOW Phyllis.  They can see past the façade.  But she probably told this doctor everything he wanted to hear.  “To what end?  So she can stand trial?  That doesn’t make sense!”  This doctor is a quack, maybe he owes Chris a favor.  Avery thinks Chris wants to destroy Phyllis fair and square so she can savor the victory.  She’s very sportsmanlike about breaking people into tiny little pieces.  Well, then, someone paid the doctor off.  He’s sure if they look closely, they’ll find Victor’s fingerprints all over it!

 

So, is Phyllis innocent as in “poor, crazy Phyllis can’t be held accountable?  Or that I am completely sane and didn’t poison Kelly?”  The latter.  The doc says so.  “Why don’t you tell me why you care so much?”  Well, because the magic coma juice wasn’t really tested before, and he had her jacked FULL of it.  Ahh, so it’s a relief for him.   Now he’s off the hook.  Yep, now sign this waiver not to sue me.  Just kidding. If you sue him, he'll have you killed.

 

“But they ALL think I still tried to kill that liar,” notes Phyllis.  Pshaw.  “Who cares what everyone thinks?  They’re fools!  I mean, Kelly Andrews played the cops, she played the DA, she played JackAbbott.”  Phyllis says it was NEVER her, but Kelly’s convinced everyone that it was.  “People believe what they want to believe,” reasons Victor.  Kelly’s won, says Phyllis.  Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Kelly did NOT win.  And there are ways to prove that!  Phyllis considers.  These two are going to end up married.

 

Well, Billy’s still alive, because they took Connor’s Cupid costume off before Adam got there.  Adam is a little too enthusiastic about paying attention to Connor.  Sage tries to change the subject to wine cellars and such, but Adam’s obsessed with Connor, and Chelsea likes it.  He sounds like a man who’s ready to have some kids!  Sage forlornly picks up Connor’s teddy bear and gets really sad feelz, but only sensitive Billy notices her pain. 

 

Mariah and Kevin try to figure out who sent the Valentine invitation.  Kevin thinks maybe it’s Austin and Summer.  But she hates Mariah!   “Here comes the man with the answers,” says Kevin as Austin walks in.  He’s just there for his last paycheck.  “WHAT?  YOU QUIT?!” gasps Mariah.  So he’s just going to leave her stuck with the second string?  No way, UNQUIT!  He bitches that he’s not taking a handout from Nick.  He’s no one’s charity case.  He stomps off, and Mariah’s like, hey, that’s my line.

 

Victor says Phyllis has to remember that JackAbbott took Kelly Andrews’ word over hers.  He’s been played, by someone THAT obvious!  Phyllis explains how she told them Kelly pulled stunts with dresses and gas tanks, and no one believed her.  Victor says Kelly wants her out of the picture badly.  Now she thinks Phyllis is at a disadvantage.  They should LET her think that, it will be her undoing.  Summer comes rushing in.  They hug.  Did Jack send her?  Summer says he’s really worried about her.  Phyllis says she is GOOD, she is not broken.  VICTOR believes it, now she needs Summer to believe it, too.

 

Jack rushes into Fairview and demands to know who convinced the doctor to declare Phyllis competent.  Was it the D.A., the chief of police, or was it a very powerful mogul with an agenda?  Subtle, Jack.  Whatever figure he may have mentioned, Jack is willing to double it!  Oh, Jack, always a day late and a dollar short.  The doctor says bribing him is not the way to defend Phyllis’ cause.  He SPOKE to Phyllis, AND to the victim, and in the end, the result was clear.  He prefers blondes.  “The VICTIM?  You spoke to KELLY?”  Sure, what could go wrong?

 

Chris says Phyllis is FINALLY going down for what she’s done.  To Kelly Andrews, or what she did to them 20 years ago?  Why can’t you just drop your grudge against a vehicular murderer??  “Al Capone went to prison for tax evasion.  I’ll take Phyllis behind bars any way I can get it.  She deserves to pay!”  Paul is so disappointed.  What about them?  “We deserve to be there when they find her guilty!”  OR, they could just live their lives, and focus on having a healthy baby.  Seriously?  She can’t do her job and have a healthy baby??  “Be honest, it’s not just your job right now.  This is your MISSION.”  It’s stress, anger and tension, so PLEASE just hand this case over to the ADA.  WHY would she EVER do that??  Um, ethics? 

 

Paul wants to surround their baby with nothing but positive things.  Chris really just needs to pick flowers and knit booties or something.  Well, she finds revenge very positive.  And HE is around misery and violence every day!  “You’re not backing off your job, and NO ONE would ever ask you to do that!”  Yeah, but he’s not [a woman] as emotionally tied up in it.  Chris says this child  going to be born into a world where innocent people don’t just roll over and take it!  This baby is going to fight for justice from the womb!  Phyllis will be punished for her crimes!  Avery walks in and hears.  Awkward.  Like lawyers care. 

 

Chris says they believe in the justice system that they rig in their favor at every opportunity!  This is how this was supposed to turn out.  Paul says she’s not hearing him, because she’s an emotional woman.  “I love you, okay, but this IS going to happen,” says Christine, and she rushes out.  Paul sits down with Avery.  “Your wife had the right idea.  Just pretend like I’m not here.”  Paul says they NEED to talk about this to keep it from blowing up for everybody.

 

Phyllis doesn’t care what most of the world thinks, but Summer is her girl.  What she believes matters.  Victor says your family believing in you makes allll the difference in the world.   So no pressure, K?  He leaves them alone.  Summer loves her mom SOOO much.  Phyllis says it was very difficult to leave her for a year.  She knows she wasn’t okay when she got back, and it must have been scary for Summer, but it wasn’t because of the medication.  It was just the world going on.  It took her a while to catch up, but she has now.  And she did NOT hurt Kelly.  Summer knows Phyllis doesn’t THINK so, or remember it. 

 

Phyllis doesn’t REMEMBER IT because she didn’t DO IT.  She didn’t black out, or make plans and carry out a crime and have it magically poof out of her head, because it just didn’t happen!  But, but, she saw doctors, and went to Fairview!  THAT’S the insanity, says Phyllis.  That she trusted anyone but herself!  Sure, she’s pulled a stunt or two in her past…but she KNOWS she did NOT poison Kelly.  She is going to fight and clear her name.  “Well, you sound like you.  I really want to believe you,” says Summer.  Well, that’s good enough for now.   So do her a favor.  BE CAREFUL around Kelly Andrews.  Phyllis means it, you guys.   Kelly is truly a dangerous woman. 

 

Kelly’s at her desk.  “KELLY!” shouts Jack, storming in her office.  “Explain to me why you spoke to Phyllis’ psychiatrist!”  Hey, Dr. Barrett came to HER.  And since the law was involved, she felt she had no choice but to answer his questions.  “You certainly had the choice not to paint Phyllis as a manipulative maniac!”  Poisoning victims are so RUDE.  She did nothing of the sort!  “You KNOW that I didn’t want to press charges!  So for you to come charging in here acting like this is all MY fault!”

 

Jack says he should NEVER have bought her innocent act…acting all innocent, vulnerable, and needing protection.  She wanted Phyllis to suffer since she came back home!  Kelly says he is WRONG!  And he is twisting this all around, and it’s NOT FAIR!  “I told that doctor that I did NOT want Phyllis locked up, that was the LAST thing I wanted!”  She’s feeling fine since the poison, and it’s Jack, Summer, and Phyllis that are going through a hard time.  Kelly just wants it to be over!  “And somehow not a WORD of that made it into his report,” snaps Jack.

 

Wow, Adam is working HARD for Chelsea.  He’s regaling her with stories of drop waist, bias cuts.  He’s got serious fashion cred, people.  Maybe tell her to get rid of that outfit.  She wants to toast the newlyweds.  Billy asks what made them take the plunge.  So many reasons, says Sage, taking Adam’s hand.  Millions of them.   The bottle’s empty, Chelsea needs to get another one!  Let Gabe help her with that!  They go in the kitchen, and Billy says he knows it’s none of his business, but he noticed poor Sage getting upset when the conversation turned to kids.  Her face falls.  Sage says it’s just that sometimes you can want a family so much, but wishing doesn’t make it real.  Adam overhears and looks upset.

 

Mariah asks Austin if he’s seriously going to quit?  What’s he going to do??  Summer walks in, and she and Austin wistfully stare at each other.  Mariah asks if she’s hosting the V-Day party or what?  Summer’s like, huh?  Guess that’s a no.  Kevin shows them the invitation.  Austin says they got the same one last night.  “We did?” asks Summer.  “Did Snowflake not go home last night??” fake gasps Mariah.  Awkward!

 

Sage apologizes for a headache coming on out of nowhere, but she REALLY needs to go home.  I find her ombre curls distracting.  She looked so good that time she did the sleek ponytail.  Anyway, Gabe says they’ll have to do this at their place next time, make this a regular thing!  Yeah, says Billy.  I think he’d rather have a prostate exam than dinner at Gabe’s.  He’s relieved this one’s over.  Okay, Chelsea admits it was mostly awkward, but they did show Sage and Gabe a happy home life!  The happiest, says Billy, but he really doesn’t think they should have Connor around the neighbors anymore.  Sage can’t handle it.

 

Adam yells at Sage for saying wishing can’t give you a family!  How about the next time they go over, they have a DNA test ready to compare Connor’s to his!  Hey, it’s not all about Adam, okay.  Right,she can’t have Nick, so she wants to blow things up between him and Chelsea?!  “You are SUCH an idiot.  I was talking about MYSELF back there…and I can wish all I want.  But I can’t have children,” she says sadly.  Adam looks chastened.  It’s NOT all about him.

 

Kelly says it makes sense for Jack to be angry and upset about what is going on with Phyllis, but it does NOT make sense for him to blame HER.  She’s done everything she can to leave Jack and Phyllis in peace!  “Like talking to her psychiatrist!  I don’t know how many ways I can say this, getting rid of Phyllis doesn’t clear the way for you and me.”  Yes, he keeps coming ALL THE WAY OVER HERE to remind her!  So let Kelly remind HIM she’s not angling to be his consolation prize!  Jack says Phyllis needs love and support, and he’s going to give it to her!  If anyone tries to undermine her getting her life back--  “There is only ONE person undermining her chance to get her life back, and that is PHYLLIS.  Do you understand that, Jack?”  Kelly understands how difficult it is to pull yourself out of a spiral, it’s forgivable even, but what is NOT forgivable is pulling other people in to act crazy as well.  And that’s what he’s doing!  “I don’t WANT your advice, or your understanding, or your concern.  I want you to STAY AWAY!”  Then GTFO out of her office!  He leaves.  Kelly puts her head in her hands.  When she looks up, Vlad, I mean, Victor has materialized in her doorway.  Eek!

 

Sage and Adam sadly sit on the new couch.  Adam awkwardly/kindly asks her if Gabriel knew that she couldn’t have kids.  Why would he know that?  Umm, because they were besties.  She married him.  Sage says that was a business arrangement, just like this.  “I didn’t tell Gabriel what he didn’t need to know.  He wanted to keep it light, fun.  There was no room in our relationship for sadness.”  Sounds like a healthy friendship.  But Sage was okay with that.  Just being with him was enough for her, she says weepily.  She’s worse than Sharon. 

 

Adam gently says that this “business arrangement” was one-sided, right?  She wanted more?  “And then along comes Golden Boy Nicholas Newman…he’s gettin’ caught in bear traps, he’s sending you flowers.  He’s bumbling and cocky at the same time, right?”  Adam gets it.  “Tell ya what, whoever marries that lummox gets a family life right away,” he says, but nicely.   “How pathetic am I?” cries Sage.  Adam awkwardly puts his arm around her.  “You got a heart in there somewhere, don’t ya?” she weepy laughs.  “Let’s not get carried away,” he smiles.  She tells him he’s going to win Chelsea back.  He holds her and comforts her.

 

Billy tells Chelsea how he was pushy and out of line about Sage’s feelz, and it turns out she can’t have kids.  Chelsea feels bad!  Maybe she should go apologize to her.  Billy says let them work it out.  She’s not surprised he picked up on Sage’s sadness, because he’s a great person and incredible father.   She thinks Gabriel would make a good dad, too!  She hopes it happens for him!  Billy’s like…yeah.

 

“What, are you worried you might have missed your chance?” Summer snaps at Mariah.  It was just an observation, but since she hit a sore spot, let’s talk about it some more!  Kevin drags her away.  Summer knows last night was bad, but she doesn’t know why Austin can’t work for her dad anymore!  “I have to quit.  I have to move on.”  Gulp.  “Like, from us?”  Of course not.  She apologizes for not coming home last night.  Oh, he managed.  Is she coming home tonight…cuz Unknown probably needs to know.  She nods.  He says maybe they can go back to being grateful for every second, every holiday.  But you can see that the Malibu light has gone out of his eyes.  So what about Valentine’s Day?  Should they party at the cabin?  He says it could be fun.  She looks at the invitation.  Kevin asks what they think?  Who’s hosting this tribute to love and romance?   SOMEONE WATCHES SECRETLY FROM THE HALLWAY IN SUSPICIOUS FASHION!

 

Paul thinks Avery should approach Chris with a plea deal.  WHAT?  Chris would laugh in her face!  She wants retribution and maximum suffering!    Paul’s asking as a friend.  Send your sister to prison because Chris is having a baby.   This case is the only thing she can see right now!  BOO HOO.  All the more reason for Avery to fight for her client.  Paul says a plea bargain would be a great favor to Phyllis!  Really, can she get one with no prison time?  Well, nooo, but she would get less.  Not if Avery WINS! 

 

But Paul says she doesn’t know yet that the psych assessment was very damaging!  Uh, yeah, she does.  Chris already gave it to her.  Try to keep up.  Then she knows a plea bargain is her best chance!  Avery’s like, am I supposed to throw up my hands and give up on my sister??  TO HELP OUT CHRIS?  Paul says it’s not giving up!  It’s a SOLUTION.  A plea bargain is the best possible way to end this now, before more damage is done.  That…is ridiculous.

 

Jack goes to the ranch.  He realizes Phyllis doesn’t want to see him right now, but the doctor’s report is in.  She’s been declared competent to stand trial.  Old news, she already heard.  Jack’s sorry.  “That I’m sane?”  That the doctor didn’t see…that there were extenuating circumstances.   “For my crimes,” says Phyllis.  Not crimes, mistakes.  They have to work out a legal strategy!  Phyllis’ strategy is simple.  Only trust people who believe in her.  He DOES believe in her, with all his heart!  “You can keep it.  I’ll be just fine.  I have Victor on my side.”

 

Victor gives Kelly a handkerchief because JackAbbott doesn’t deserve her tears!  “Thank you, Mr. Newman!  Are you here to book an event?”  “I’m here…because you and I…want the same thing.”  To screw Jack.  Well, this is getting complicated.

[peacheslatour]

 Brava, bravissima!  Jeepers peach, you deserve a medal, you really do.  I even can't conceive of the amount of work it must take to create these peach-caps for us, your adoring readers!  Bless you, my friend.

[klopek]

Vlad, I mean, Victor has materialized in her doorway.  Eek!

 

Muaahaahaaa... Pratt needs to reallocate that newfound flower budget on a dry ice machine to ooze creeping mist on Vlad's arrivals.

[movinon]

 

Meanwhile, Chelsea’s knocking on Adam’s door.  He opens it, and angels sing.  He’s finally ditched the black tank top for NO shirt at all.  This guy’s hotter than Georgia asphalt.  Chelsea can’t remember why the hell she’s even there.

I'll drink to this one, peach.  Justin Hartley is making this part his own, really fast, and I thought nobody could replace MM.  Since it looks like they are taking our gorgeous Joe Clark away, it's great that we are gonna get to keep this one.  Unpopular opinion, probably, but I'm kinda liking him with that stupid Sage. 

[MollyB]

 

Jack explains to the know-it-all infant that it was Fairview or JAIL.

And someone should explain that a mental competency determination is to find out whether you are able to understand and assist at your trial-not whether or not you can be charged with a crime.  And it's usual to have the Judge order it - not picked from the Legal Choices menu by the DA or defense attorney.  (Sorry, folks.  My pet legal eagle, Fraud,  just flew in and screamed this in my ear.)  So far, haven't seen Red charged, just Bug's raging revenge.  Haven't seen a trial date set. Haven't seen a judge determine where Red awaits said trial or whether she's out on bail or her own recog.........Fuck it, I'm gonna take Fraud for a walk.

 

He opens it, and angels sing.

This old woman now believes in angels and thanks all gods I'm not blind.  (when we say he's channeling MM, that's Magic Mike, right?)

 

And thanks to whomever slapped the Blackberry out of Victor's hand. He is a handsome devil!  So much better when he looks at the person he's talking to, almost...mesmerizing.

 

Peach, your insight and subtlety-are amazing.  Kid has a great mentor.

Edited February 14, 2015 by MollyB

[smartyshorts]

I can't even explain how much I was looking forward to Peach's take on Blind Neil getting the Miracle Of Sight and Cuckolding.  I lost a bet on HOW he was gonna find out, but now we know where Lily gets her bass mouthed gasping and gaping.  Drunk and angry Neil needs to get his Righteous VENGANCE on!  I hope he arranged a plane crash just to kill and or maim these duplicitous twerps

 

Thank you Peach, thank you so much for eviscerating Summer at every opportunity, damn I can't stand that girl and her horrible Dad.

I don't give two shits about whether Phyllis is in a HULK SMASH memory erasing rage or if Kelly keeps a knige and a vial of anti freeze in her purse though.  Maybe she can poison Grampa Vlad and frame Phyllis for that too!

 

Peach I want to marry your recaps at a hot dog stand in the park and then cheat on them with a stepchild.

[peacheslatour]

 

Peach I want to marry your recaps at a hot dog stand in the park and then cheat on them with a stepchild.

Oh shit, I was laughing so hard at this I woke up both cats.

[klopek]

I can't even explain how much I was looking forward to Peach's take on Blind Neil getting the Miracle Of Sight and Cuckolding.  I lost a bet on HOW he was gonna find out

 

LoL... that sounds like a fun bet, what were you wagering on - how did you think it was gonna go down?

[smartyshorts]

My guess on How Neil Learns The Truth was that a doctor or nurse at one of his Miracle Treatment appointments would remark on the young couple canoodling outside in the waiting room and Neil's Wheels (hee hee) would start grinding to the inevitable conclusion. My partner in Soap crime thought he's sneak tap up on someone and hear them discussing the affair while hiding behind a potted plant or a slightly open door.

Although I appreciate Cane loading the gun and pointing it in their direction by giving Neil the room key, he had no way of knowing Neil's eyeballs would start working just in time to be burned by he sight of his son and his wife making the beast with two backs. What was he hoping would happen? Hilary would have to stand quietly in a corner and hope Neil didn't hear sobbing? Was he hoping to "scare" them into telling the truth?

Peach's disdain for all things Dummer is a beautiful thing to behold. I want to fill it with Hulk Smash coma juice.

[photo fox]

peach, you are a treasure. Doed your son know he's semi-famous on the internet? I love reading his reactions! lol

[peach]

Thurs, Feb 12   Fresh Out Of Better Ideas

 

Nikki is still thrilled to have Phyllis hanging out in her living room.  She’s surprised Victor isn’t around doting on his latest pet project.  Phyllis says Victor’s doing her a huge favor, but if Nikki doesn’t want her here--  “I don’t want you here,” she says without hesitation.  Ugh, now Avery’s at the door.   Nikki’s not any happier to see her future daughter-in-law, because she’s there to see her former daughter-in-law.  How’s a girl to fondle her vodka bottles in peace around here?   Phyllis doesn’t look too happy to see Avery either, and who could blame her?

 

Ashley meets Jack in his office to show him the mockups for the Hex campaign.  He’s incredibly proud of you, Ash.  If this love potion flies off the shelves like they expect it to, he will be thrilled to announce she’s Co-CEO.  She gets an email from her assistant.  “See attached and try not to explode.”  GASP!  It’s the magazine ad for Brash’n’Sassy’s new fragrance!  Cast a spell over your man that’s irresistible.  “That’s OUR marketing concept, Jack!  VICTOR STOLE IT!”  Now he’s going to get sued FIRST!  “This is corporate espionage!  Do you see that?” screams Ashley.  “He’s done a LOT more than that,” complains Jack.  He stole my girlfriend!

 

Kelly asks Victor what does he MEAN they want the same things?  “I don’t want Phyllis in Jack’s life any more than you do.”  He’s done terrible things to her like not telling Phyllis the truth about having an affair with Kelly during the coma.  “That’s true,” says Kelly, “but why would you care about my feelings?”  “I don’t.“  Ha.  But he cares about pwetty pwincess Summer’s feelings, and Jack has done terrible things to her mommy.  “Now, if you want JackAbbott in your life, I can help you make it happen.”  Kelly asks what's in it for him.  Oh, everybody needs a hobby.

 

Devon asks Lily what’s she’s doing for her anniversary.  Cane says he’s sweeping her off to Chicago to mix business with pleasure.  They flirt, and Devon smirks and pouts.  Lily says to ask Devon what he has planned for HIS Valentine, Gwen.  Now Cane smirks while Devon squirms.

 

Neil’s on the elevator at Jabot, flashing back to the hideous sight of Devon and Hilary getting it on in his bed.  He comes in the lobby, and sees Hilary get off another elevator.  He’s still pretending he’s blind, and has the misfortune to witness her glancing at him with disgust and pretending she doesn’t see him!  OOF!  What a gut punch!  Neil can’t even, he CANNOT, while she  actually  tries to sneak past him!  He calls out, “Hilary!”  She slumps, like her dad just caught her in time to do chores instead of sneak out to a party.  “Is that you?” he asks, barely containing the urge to smack her with that cane.

 

Hilary doesn’t answer, so Neil fumbles around and says if she’s not Hilary, please forgive him, he just thought he smelled his wife’s perfume.  She lets him get pretty far away before she gives in and admits she’s there.  Oh, thank goodness!  “I was afraid that I was making a fool of myself,” he says.  No, of course not.  Well, she came home so late last night, and she slipped out so early this morning, before he could give her a good morning kiss.  They haven’t had a chance to talk since she left like a bat out of hell.  

 

Yeah, about that.  “Aw, don’t you dare apologize,” says Neil.  There’s nothing for her to be sorry about.  They got bad news and it was a lot for her to process.  “I handled things very poorly,” he continues, “and if I’m being honest with you, which I always am…I was shattered when the doctor said I would never see again.”  He realized she needed some time alone.  This has all been so very painful. 

 

Hilary chokes out that it’s very understanding of him.  He pretends to find her face to caress, and somehow restrains himself from strangling her while Alfred Hitchcock sort of music plays in the background.  Hilary says she’s not avoiding him, she’s just…busy.  In the middle of the night.  She’s been neglecting her work with everything that’s going on. 

 

Neil says they’ve both been struggling since the accident, and he’s going to show her how much he appreciates all she’s sacrificed for him.  He wants to take away her pain even if it’s for only one day.  He wants to take her out for a very special Valentine’s Day!  She rolls her eyes back in her head at this horrible prospect.  This is like the most uncomfortable thing ever.  Neil is a genius.

 

“What do you mean Victor moved Phyllis in?!” shouts Ashley.  What was she thinking??  She was thinking Jack betrayed her by sending her to Fairview, even though her idiot lawyers agreed it was her only shot at an insanity defense.   “So she thinks you abandoned her.  That’s how she views EVERYTHING nowadays.”  That Phyllis!  Ashley thinks she’s become paranoid since everyone started locking her up for being crayzee.  Jack says Victor is now underlining and emphasizing every negative feeling Phyllis has ever had about him.  “It’s not enough for him to screw us over with his sleazy business maneuvers, he has to butt his nose into your personal life,” says Ashley.  “Well, the Mustache isn’t fully alive unless he thinks he has something up on me,” complains Jack, usurper of Adam and Connor.  Ashley is a very competitive person, but she has HAD IT with Victor’s vindictive attacks on their family!  She storms out.  “WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ASH?!”

 

Victor already told Kelly what he wants.  He wants Phyllis to be free of that destructive jackass who tried to buy his Christmas tree!  Kelly says most people find him pretty persuasive.  But she doesn’t?  “Forgive me,” she says awkwardly, “but…are you and Phyllis having a thing?”  He chuckles.  No, they’re not romantically involved.   Kelly’s confused.  He says this is about Summer’s mom, but she thought he HATED Noah and Faith’s mom.  “Can’t stand her,” he agrees.  She’s done dreadful things to his family, and she pushed Phyllis down the stairs and into a coma.  It took him a long time to get her out of it, and he’s not going to allow JackAbbott to destroy all that. 

 

WHAT!  “Phyllis is the one destroying Jack!” protests Kelly.  He’s gone above and beyond the call of duty.  He’s been more patient and understanding than That Woman deserves!  “Oh, my God, it warms the cockles of my heart to hear that,” he snarks.  Kelly gets all emotional like and says, “Phyllis has done things in order to keep Jack in her life.  Things that involve harming me.”  Victor says Phyllis is out of Jack’s life.  Ever since she was released from Fairview, she’s been staying at his ranch.  “Phyllis left Jack?!?!”  Yep.  So think about his offer.  Have a nice day.  Kelly’s overjoyed.

 

Avery needs to talk to her client, Nikki, so could you get out of your own living room for a minute?  “Whatever Phyllis wants,” she snaps, leaving.  Avery scolds that she can’t think of a better way to hurt Jack than coming to stay here.  “Me, hurt Jack?” snarks Phyllis.  Avery says she needs all the allies she can get right now!  Well, Jack’s proven he’s NO ally, tricking her into Fairview.  Where do things stand on her case?  Avery says the psych report is in.  Yeah, Phyllis heard.  Jack seemed disappointed to find out she’s not crazy. 

 

Avery frowns.  “Do you not GRASP what this means for your case?  The doctor has said that you’re a cold and calculating person who was not impaired that day at the club.  You knew exactly what you were doing.”  Duh.    “When I allegedly poisoned Kelly,” reminds Phyllis.  She knows Avery thinks she’s lying, she can see it in her eyes!  “Phyllis, that report is all Christine needs to convict you of a violent crime.  Is that what you want?”  Really, because I thought what Christine needed was to recuse herself, and then they just need some, like, physical evidence.  But Avery thinks Phyllis needs to consider a plea deal.  NO WAY IN HELL!

 

Phyllis will not admit to something she doesn’t believe she did.  Avery says she shouldn’t be held accountable for what happened to Kelly.  Because she DIDN’T put poison in her tea, exclaims Phyllis.  But Dr. Barrett, via Kelly Andrews, feels she’s sane and calculating enough to have done it, which is almost like evidence except not really.   Phyllis tries to explain how lawyering works, and that Cricket should be taken off this case!  “Isn’t that your job?  Bug removal?!”  Avery says even if they make Cricket recuse herself, there is still a compelling case against her so why bother.  That was only worth it for Austin’s defense. 

 

Phyllis flat out asks her if she thinks she poisoned Kelly.  Umm, uhhhh….  “Avery, you are no longer my lawyer.”  She doesn’t need any help going to prison!  Avery whines that she can’t DO this!  Well, she just DID.  YOU’RE FIRED!  Victor creeps in, looking satisfied.  “I think she’s no longer in need of your legal services.”  Avery’s all omg.  Phyllis says Victor’s been through all this, he believes in her.  Avery says dismissing her will not make these charges go away!  “Well, then I will settle for YOU going away.  There’s the door!”  Avery leaves in distress.  “Youhaveaniceday.”    Victor says the last thing Phyllis needs on her defense team is someone who thinks she’s mentally unbalanced. 

 

Nikki comes strolling in, chuckling.  She hopes Phyllis is smart enough to understand what is going on here.  “I love that man.  But in all the years I have  known him, I can count on one hand the number of times he’s helped someone out of the goodness of his heart.”  Like when he saved that stupid coffee shop.  “There are always strings attached, Phyllis.  ALWAYS.  You used to know that about him.  But there’s something in it if for you, isn’t there?  You have the added bonus of sticking it to Jack because he has wounded you so,” mocks Nikki.  Whatever, she’s leaving anyway.  She’s off to get a massage at the bar!  Don’t wait up for her. 

 

“Are you going to deny any of that?” asks Phyllis.  Nope.  Nikki’s right, there is something in it for  him.

 

So, Devon asks if Chancellor might move to Chicago.  Oh, yeah, a real estate mogul is trying to woo them into his building. He’s even sending a private jet.  Cane blah blahs about their plans and mentions Colin going along.  Devon’s like, wait.  Jill said Colin would have nothing to do with Chancellor!  That was a condition of him investing.  Oh, well, she’s got the money now.  Why does it matter?  Hilary comes in and  looks pitiful, so Devon races off to check on her.

 

What’s wrong, Hilary?!  WOE!  Neil is planning an elaborate Valentine’s surprise.  She can’t keep up this charade!  She feels like he’s going to see right through her.  He sees you, all right.

 

Neil meets up with Nikki at the dive bar.  He can’t get the image of Hilary and Devon doing the nasty out of his head.  And she’s been avoiding him like the plague.  Lucky for him, I say, since she could be carrying the plague at this point.  He says they’re totally in the dark that he knows.  He’s been holding in all his screamz and feelz for now, and instead told Hilary he’s planning a beautiful Valentine’s dinner.   Neil rubs his fists and says the look on her face said it all…all the guilt and panic.  “I swear to God, I would have more respect for that woman if she just literally stabbed me in the back!”  He wants to look her in the eye and JOLT the truth out of her, he says, pounding the table!  Nikki puts her hand on his.  She’s glad he didn’t confront her when he’s so angry.  No good can come from it!  No, indeed.  It wouldn’t be nearly satisfying enough, says Neil.  Hilary’s not getting off that easy!

 

He brings them more drinks.  Don’t even ASK how things are going with Victor.  She’s so over it!  She forgave him for all his bullshit, and he repays her by moving Phyllis into her house!  Neil’s surprised.  Phyllis left Jack?   Yep, she decided that in Fairview, and Victor gave her guestroom.  “Holy smokes.  Temporarily, I assume?”  Oh, no, no, make NO assumptions where Victor is concerned.  As long as little Phyllis needs a room, she’s got a room, she says sarcastically.  And get this…he didn’t even ASK Nikki about it first.  “How much is one person supposed to take?” says Neil.  Well, she’s DONE making excuses for him.  It’s always about protecting the family and she’s SO OVER IT.  Neil’s like how can someone marry a stranger, take vows next to a hotdog cart, and then they treat you with such contempt?  Nikki doesn’t know, but Phyllis is on her own if she wants to play the kind of games Victor plays.  If she loses, so be it.  “You gotta do…what you gotta do,” says Neil darkly.  You gotta drink.

 

Devon whines that he knows he said they’d tell Neil before Valentine’s Day, but obviously they need more time.  Neil’s had devastating news, and they have to see him in a better place before they stomp on his soul.  OMG, that’s so hard on Hilary!  Her heart is falling through the floor hearing him say that!  WAAAH!  What does he expect her to do?!  Pretend she’s swept away by his grand, romantic gestures, is THAT WHAT HE WANTS?!  They had a plan, okay?! 

 

Devon’s solution is a family trip!  Hilary’s like, are you on DRUGS?  He explains about the family jet ride to Chicago.  He’ll insist on being there, and she can bring Neil along.  She’s like, why??  Neither of them has anything to do with Chancellor.  Hello, it’s a FAMILY trip.  The Winters roll together, haven’t you picked up on that?  It’ll be perfect, trust Devon.  Then she won’t have to be alone with her poor, blind husband.  This will be a holiday to remember.

 

Victor tells Phyllis he’s hardly a selfless man.  He’s thinking of his family.  Poor, dumb Summer was a lost soul when Phyllis went in the coma.  She would NOT stop fucking whining.  She didn’t know who to turn to, that’s how she got involved with that messed up kid, Austin.   And she turned to SHARON for a mother.  “Do you know how much damage That Woman has done to this family,” like when she saved Summer’s life from a drug overdose.  But she really damages Nicholas, over and over again, ever since Phyllis stole him from her after Cassie died.  So, logic follows that the most important thing now is for Phyllis to stay away from JackAbbott.   It’s good for the whole Newman family.

 

Phyllis is like, mmkay.  These are all pretty sentiments, and they are all true.  But she’s picking up on the vibe that he’s enjoying her hurting Jack feelings.  “You know, JackAbbott’s feelings are utterly irrelevant to me,” says Victor.  Phyllis tries not to laugh.  Is that because Phyllis and Jack are just small potatoes in the bigger picture?  “Is that what you think?” he asks.  She thinks he’s a big picture kinda guy, and there’s a lot more to ALL of this than he’s saying.

 

Jack can’t believe Phyllis fired Avery!  What the hell happened?!  Well, she’s a terrible lawyer, and Victor is taking full advantage of frightened, confused, ball buster Phyllis.  Jack blames KELLY.   Avery can’t believe a trained psychiatrist couldn’t see how insane Phyllis is.  Jack says Phyllis claims being around him just makes it worse!  He can’t reach her!  How will he ever get a judge to see how unstable she REALLY is?  Avery has an idea!

 

Ashley comes to the ranch.  She can’t believe Victor was brave enough to answer the door. “Have you ever known me to be a coward?” he asks.  Oh, yeah, what he did was exceedingly cowardly!  He pours himself a drink and listens with amusement while Ashley accuses him of bribing someone in the ESB to get his hands on her info.  He copied her fragrance, and he knows it.  “That’s absurd,” he smirks.  She SAW his ad for Brash’n’Sassy.  He didn’t even TRY to be subtle.  She complains about how she worked for over a year on that fragrance, testing, developing, sweating blood over it!  And he doesn’t give a damn about all that!  Um, that’s the point of stealing, Ashley.  

 

Blah dirty work blah.  He slapped his name on her fragrance and is going to market ahead of them!  He says to be careful pointing fingers in public.  He forgets who he’s talking to!  She knows EXACTLY how low he will stoop!  Phyllis comes sashaying in.  “And so do you!” snaps Ashley.  “Why the HELL are you DOING this?  WHY are you letting Victor use you this way!”  You know, Phyllis is sick and tired of people saying that.  She knows what she’s doing.

 

In today’s segment on How To Get Disbarred, by Avery Bailey Clark, she suggests Jack TRIGGER some of Phyllis’ unstable behavior in front of witnesses.  “To make her look crazy?” asks Jack.  “To PROVE that Kelly is lying, and Phyllis really does need help!”  Wait, I thought that was Kelly’s whole point.  Anyway, Jack doesn’t want to set Phyllis up like that!  “Phyllis is setting HERSELF up, Jack.”  Oh, well, when you put it like that…  Avery says she sees Victor as her salvation, and they are the enemy.  There’s no reasoning with her!  She’s irrational!  IKR, it’s like she’s PARANOID or something.   Jack says there has to be some other way to keep her out of prison.  NO.  Avery’s approach is the only way!  “To make the woman I love break down and become violent in public?  After everything she has been through?  THIS is a VICTOR MOVE!”  He won’t hurt Phyllis this way.  END OF DISCUSSION.

 

Kelly goes fishing with Lily.  She thanks her for being a great friend and telling her the truth even when it hurts.  So, lately she’s been wondering if she’s been reading too much into what she had with Jack, clinging to something that didn’t exist, maybe deserving what Phyllis did to her?   Lily’s like..ummm, she’s  just sorry it went that far.  “You mean that PHYLLIS took it that far, amirite?  Poisoning me.   Like she hadn’t threatened me enough already.”  It’s just that Lily can understand the kind of rage that would drive someone to hurt somebody…or themselves?  Wait, is she saying Kelly poisoned her own tea?  Hey, we all do cray things to hang onto someone we love, and Lily supported Kelly up to a point, but shit is getting real now. Phyllis is facing jail time.  “So, you actually think--  whatever.”  She didn’t NEED to do anything  extreme to fend off Phyllis!  She’s not the ONLY one that thinks she and Jack have something meant to last!  She stomps off, and Lily’s like, whatever, Crazy Pants.

 

Devon whispers that he HATES lying to Neil as much as Hilary.  But he doesn’t have to LIVE WITH HIM!  WAAAH!  He doesn’t have to say loving wife things when his heart’s not in it.  OH, THE HUMANITY!   Hilary has to sleep next to him PRAYING he doesn’t touch her!  She’s starting to hate herself!  Honey, honey, Devon promises you’ll find a way to get through this agony of being nice to Neil.  They’ll tell him when the time is right.  She FREAKS out.  Didn’t he hear what she said!  SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER SHE CAN KEEP PRETENDING!   Here, let Devon comfort and hold you in the lobby of the club.  Neil walks up and peers at their cheating asses through the door.

 

Neil click clacks in, and Devon and Hilary guiltily pull away.  “Hey, Neil, it’s me, Hilary!  I’ve been thinking about you.”  That’s funny, Neil was thinking about her, too!  “What were you thinking?” asks Neil.  This is so delicious.  Hilary says, oh, just  how LUCKY she is, to have a man that loves her as much as he does.  “You don’t know what it means to hear you say that to me.”  She apologizes for being distant lately. It’s like he said, it’s been a difficult time for all of them.  “Oh, yes, it has.  It’s been extremely difficult.”  Yeaaaah, so about Valentine’s Day.  She’s been brainstorming a way to keep your hands off her, and there’s something special she’s excited to tell him about!  He can’t WAIT to hear what she has in mind!

 

Ashley says Phyllis lost a year of her life.  When you go through something like that, don’t you reach some kind of understanding about what’s IMPORTANT in life?  Hmm, staying out of prison seems important.  Phyllis says look where that understanding got her.  Lied to, tricked into a psych ward, heading to prison.  Victor tells Phyllis she doesn’t owe Ashley an explanation.  Ashley says after Phyllis’ accident, Jack went into mourning.  He basically gave up his life until he started having Vivaldi sex with Kelly.  “Do you know that he WORSHIPS you?  I don’t understand why you’re lashing out at him like this!”  Phyllis says Jack had a nice, warm body to mourn with, so forgive her for not weeping tears over him.   Victor stands aside and smiles like Satan while Ashley asks if Phyllis is punishing Jack for moving on with his life.  Phyllis looks possibly busted by that comment, but then again, big needle-wielding nurses also come into play.

 

Avery walks into the club, and balks at seeing Kelly.  Kelly jumps up.  She wants to talk!  She knows Avery’s probably mad about her talking to Phyllis’ shrink, but he called HER.  And she didn’t press charges!  She doesn’t want Phyllis to go to prison!  “Oh, spare me, Kelly!”  Kelly reminds Avery that she’s an ATTORNEY.  This is a criminal investigation, should Kelly have LIED?  Blah coma juice blah.  Phyllis is still struggling, Kelly!  She could have told ALL THAT to Dr. Barrett, so her attempted murderer could get the help she needs.  Instead she made it sound like Phyllis is CAPABLE of attempted murder so she’d get locked up.  So Kelly can go after JACK!  Kelly says that is not true!  “That’s sick.  And YOU’RE sick,” snaps Avery.  “And if anyone needs a trip to Fairview, it’s YOU, lady!”  Avery’s logical reasoning skillz make Kelly so mad, she pulls a butter knife on her!!  “STOP SAYING THAT!”  Avery says she seems to have hit a nerve.  Huh, wonder if that’s on the security camera.  Kelly falters and says this is not right!  It’s NOT RIGHT!  She runs away.

 

Drunk Nikki storms in Jack’s office.  How could he let Phyllis move into HER home!  Yeah, not his choice.  “She gave me my ring back.  Your hubby is pulling the strings now.  Take this up with HIM!”  Nikki says she and Victor are not responsible for Phyllis complications, so get her the hell out of their house!  What does she expect Jack to do?  Knock Phyllis over the head and drag her out?  She doesn’t really care, as long as she’s GONE.  If Jack won’t take care of it himself, then NIKKI will do it!  I wonder if Nikki is even going to remember this conversation.

 

Lily and Cane cannot wait to get on the doomed plane.  Something tells her this is going to be an anniversary to remember.

 

Hilary talks up the Winters Family Jet Vacation, showered with all the perks.  Perks are always good, says Neil.  So who else is going?  Just Devon and everybody.   Neil thinks all of them together…in one place..that sounds PERFECT.  Weasel Devon thinks he’s hiding around a post, and Hilary gives him a nod.  Neil musters the strength not to jump up and tear him in half.

 

Victor says Ashley’s business plan failed, and here she is raging at poor Phyllis.  “I suggest you take your attitude and go!”  She’s not talking business anymore.  This is personal.   Gross, well, Victor’s leaving.  Ashley lectures Phyllis about staying there with someone who’s so able and eager to torment her family and brother any chance he gets!   Phyllis says it’s so not her business.  “Jack and Avery are working hard to convince the world that you’re crazy.  But we both know that’s not the case, right?  We both know that you know exactly what you’re doing.”

 

Drunk Nikki agitated Jack so much, he meets Avery and tells her he’s willing to go along with her plan.  If they don’t do something, it’s only going to get worse for Phyllis, and he’s fresh out of better ideas.  Avery’s not thrilled about it herself, but she’s too stupid to come up with anything else either.  They have to act fast.  Jack says Phyllis can’t know they did this, since she’ll see it as the ultimate betrayal it probably is.  Probably.  Avery says it’s for her own good.  She sees Kelly walk in, and says, don’t worry, he won’t be ALONE in this.  Jack ponders.

[peacheslatour]

 

Cast a spell over your man that’s irresistible.  “That’s OUR marketing concept, Jack!  VICTOR STOLE IT!”

I wonder if the irony that his product will be the cause of his humping Smelly, probably knocking her up and forever ruining his chances with Phyllis will ever occur to him.  HIS. VERY. OWN. PRODUCT.

[pearlite]

I wonder if the irony that his product will be the cause of his humping Smelly, probably knocking her up and forever ruining his chances with Phyllis will ever occur to him.  HIS. VERY. OWN. PRODUCT.

 

I think so, P la T. In fact, I think you've hit on one of Pratt's key cards--hefty doses of dramatic irony, irony of character, and irony of everything including lunch.

It's kind of fun, after a long, relatively irony-free period. And it, if handled nicely, will allow for humour--so where's Gloria when we need her?

I do think using irony this way could allow for longer character-arcs, something this show used to be good at--Jack's ruined; no, three months from now, Victor will be revealed to have been the bigger evil; no, six months down the line, something else will make it flip-flop again.

[peach]

I would find it to be even one notch higher than dramatic irony, coming in at cosmic justice.  What a horrible product.  Ashley deserves to reap the horrible benefits, but Jack will have to do.  lol 

[peacheslatour]

I would find it to be even one notch higher than dramatic irony, coming in at cosmic justice.  What a horrible product.  Ashley deserves to reap the horrible benefits, but Jack will have to do.  lol 

If this were real life, the lawsuits alone would be enough to bankrupt both Victor and Jack.  Trash and Rapey is out on the market now isn't it?  Shouldn't be very much longer before there is some blow back from consumers.  Right?  RIGHT?

[peach]

peach, you are a treasure. Doed your son know he's semi-famous on the internet? I love reading his reactions! lol

Yes, I always promise them I give full credit to my sources.  It might be going to their heads.  lol

[movinon]

 

Victor stands aside and smiles like Satan while Ashley asks if Phyllis is punishing Jack for moving on with his life.

 

This is a perfect description of Victor's stupid smile.  In all the years I have seen him smirk (and that's not exactly the right word), I never knew exactly how to describe it.  He does have a genuine smile he uses with children, but this one is so different.  Thanks for giving it a name. 

[klopek]

  “Well, the Mustache isn’t fully alive unless he thinks he has something up on me,” complains Jack,

 

The Mustache is on the cusp of omnipotence and immortality if Jack's fuck ups are the lifeblood that courses through his desiccated undead veins.

Edited February 18, 2015 by klopek

[peach]

Fri, Feb 13   Never Have I Ever

 

Faith eats conversation hearts with Nick at Crimson Lights.  Chitter chat.  Noah joins them long enough to buy Faith a cookie, but he’s going to the big mystery Valentine party instead of working.   Then Nick’s babysitter cancels!  Dude, where is he gonna find a sitter on such short notice?!  Noah’s like, do you really have to ask?  You have a convenient desperate woman next door you can dump on any time you want.

 

Sharon will not let crushing rejection keep her from wearing a cute pink sweater on Valentine’s Day.  That’s my girl.  But she’s looking at old Valentine’s Day cards from Nick, so I’m going to have to have a talk with her.  FLASHBACK!  Something about their embarrassment of riches on some other Valentine’s Day.

 

Mariah and Kevin are hanging out at the Abbott Cabin, and Austin and Summer arrive.  Austin’s like, just the four of us?  What kind of party is that?  “A painful one,” says Mariah.  They could have stayed at work if all four of them wanted to sit around with each other.  TA DA!  ABBY’S THERE!  In a heart sweater, black plaid short shorts, and tall black boots.  Who cares who sent the invitations?  It’s an exciting adventure, and lots of those start with a mystery!  “So do horror flicks,” says Mariah.  Summer corrects her because this is NOTHING like a horror movie.  Uh, wrong.  Mariah knows her stuff.  They’re a bunch of people who got anonymous invitations to a remote cabin in the woods!  Not to mention a sniveling blonde idiot.  All they need is for someone to knock on the door.  KNOCK, KNOCK!  Gasp!!

 

Stitch and Victoria are all dressed up and bring the kids over to Chelsea’s for babysitting.  Billy’s not there, though.  Victoria thought he wanted to watch them tonight!  “He does,” says Chelsea, “he just needed to go out for a while.”  Ohhh, that’s right, it’s her dead stepdaughter’s birthday.

 

Billy visits Delia’s roadside shrine, which, this is just my personal opinion, but that’s creepy.  Why hang around the place she got hit by a car?  Anyway, he holds her photo and says Happy Birthday, sweetheart, when Adam comes around the zoo rocks for a visit himself.  Whoa!  He hides behind a rock.

 

Lily meets up with Cane.  She is ready for her romantic getaway with her sexy hubby.  The plane is ready to go!  Don’t worry, they can totally have sex while Jill handles the lion’s share of the business.  See, he never really wanted to be in charge anyway.

 

Jill and Colin run into Devon in the lobby.  Is he ready for their first business trip as Chancellor executives?!  Yeah, but he whines about Colin being there.  Jill says he’s there as her husband, not her business partner, she promises.   “I know the rules,” says Colin.  “Then please FOLLOW them,” snaps Devon, who LOVES following rules like “don’t screw your dad’s wife.”  He stomps off to text Hilary. Jill’s SO glad Colin’s going along!  He’s totally down with a free 5 star hotel for the weekend.  He’ll try not to piss off Devon too much.  Maybe he can even  make the guy like him.

 

Hilary gets there.  She whines to Devon about having to share a hotel room with his father she’s inconveniently married to.  Devon says once Neil gets used to the idea that’s permanently blind, they’re gonna tell him the truth together.  Meanwhile, let’s get a drink to ease our pain.  Neil click clacks in with a shiny, silver briefcase, and watches his family giggle and gaggle about the exciting trip.  He ain’t feelin’ it.

 

Blah blah.  Lily says it’s going to be the most romantic Valentine’s Day ever.  Well, almost, since Devon couldn’t convince Gwen to come.  He just wants to concentrate on Chancellor business.  Now he’s thinking he might take a more active role in the company than he originally planned.  Yay.  Neil says the best laid plans often go astray.  So, who’s ready to go?!  Neil is SO ready.

 

Victoria says she knows Billy would want to be someplace he felt close to Delia.  So, like, her mom could get drunk and watch the kids while they go on a date!  Oh, no, Billy will be home soon.  “Are you sure Billy should be alone today?” asks Victoria, like she gave a crap before five minutes ago.  Chelsea thinks having time alone with Delia is exactly what he needs.  When he’s there…he isn’t really alone.

 

Billy monologues to Delia’s photo so Adam can secretly listen and feel guilty.   Billy cries.  Adam feels like shit.  “Adam may have taken you from me, but you’ll always be in my heart, okay?  He’s never going to destroy your memory.  Ever.” 

 

Abby opens the door.  Oh, thank God, it’s just Fen.  Abby says some people thought he was a crazy, axe-wielding serial killer.  Austin looks like maybe he’d prefer it was.  Someone else knocks!!  OMG, it’s a crazy serial killer!  Just kidding, it’s Noah.  Courtney got held up at the station, but she’s coming later.  He thinks it’s weird that no one knows who sent the invitations.  Hmm, Abby’s the only Abbott in the Abbott Cabin, so… “Okay, fine!  IT WAS ME!”  She had to trick them all to come out to the wilderness for her party, because dammit, the beautiful, blonde heiress didn’t want to be alone on Valentine’s Day!  So much so, that she invited the person she hates most in all of Wisconsin.  But, hey, let’s all get a drink!

 

Everyone goes in the kitchen, but Austin pulls Summer aside. She’s disappointed that Abby set this up, isn’t she?  She’s like, why?  “Because you were hoping it was Kyle.”  Summer’s dumbness is rubbing off on Austin.

 

Nick drops by the cottage with Faith WITHOUT CALLING because he has a huge night at the club.  Sharon eagerly agrees to watch Faith.  I don’t blame her for that, but act a little cool, okay?  Nick says he doesn’t want to put too much pressure on her…BECAUSE YOU’RE CRAZY, SHARON, in case you needed a reminder from ole Nick.  Sharon says he can TRUST her.  She knows the judge ruled against her, but she’s just as capable of looking after Faith as he is, and this gives her a chance to prove it.  And Nick can’t go a week taking care of one kid by himself.

 

Billy monologues some more.  He really wishes he could give her some justice for her birthday.  He really wanted to make Adam pay for what he did to her.  Instead he just shot, crashed, exploded, and drowned him.  “He got off easy…dying.  You’d think I’d be happy he’s gone.  But I’m NOT.”  Ghost Delia shows up.  “Maybe because he’s not gone, Daddy.”  Delia can tell you secrets from beyond!  ADAM’S AT YOUR HOUSE!

 

Adam gets to his new penthouse.  He has a bottle of wine, but he’s bummed to see Sage is going out.  “Deserting your husband on the most romantic night of the year?” he asks kinda pathetically.  Sage is like, oh, were you thinking we should celebrate Valentine’s Day so you wouldn’t have to think about your One True Love?  No, says Adam, shuffling his feet.  He says she should go. He’ll be fine, he’ll just drown himself in this bottle.  Sage leaves, and Adam lingers around Chelsea’s door feeling sorry for himself.  He rings the bell.

 

He pretends he’s gifting Billy and Chelsea with the wine.  He bought it to drink with Sage, but--  “You guys got into another fight?” she asks.  Yeah.  So drink up, and have a Happy Valentine’s Day, sniffle sniffle.  He starts to walk away.  “Gabe!  Wait!”  Target acquired.

 

Billy scolds his hallucination for taking so long when it’s cold outside.  He definitely needs a good talking to.  Delia explains that Adam’s alive in Connor just like she’s alive in Billy.  “I’m worried about you, Daddy.  You’re so mad at Adam, what if you’re not nice to Connor because of it?  He needs you.”  Billy could never treat little Connor like that.  He thinks of him as his own son.  But he can’t let go of his hatred of Adam.  Delia quotes herself from her Amazing Essay, and explains that staying mad at someone is wasting time when you could be happy.  He gets it.  He needs to stop wasting time hating Adam so he can focus on the people he loves.  “Then you forgive Adam?”  Geez, don’t get carried away, Ghost Delia.

 

Adam thought Chelsea and Billy would be celebrating Valentine’s Day.  She blathers about not being sure what Billy needs right now.  It’s so strange when you love someone but there’s still certain things they won’t share with you, like faking their own death.  Adam can imagine how difficult that must be.  He pulls the trusty “I should go now” while rubbing his head, which always makes her ask him to stay.  It would be a shame to let this bottle of wine go to waste, you know how fast THAT spoils.  So why doesn’t Adam join her.  And HOW did he know Cabernet was her favorite?!

 

Victoria and Stitch’s hot date is at The Underground.  Woo hoo.  Can you imagine paying a twenty dollar cover charge at this deathtrap?  Stitch says what better way to celebrate their first Valentine’s Day than at the scene of the crime.  They reminisce about how they got so drunk they ended up in this boring relationship.

 

Sage stops in to thank Nick for the flowers.  Looks like he needs some to lighten his mood.  Ha, he needs another bartender, not flowers!  She asks if he wants to see her silk panties.  That Sage!  She was talking about a martini she can make with peach schnapps and raspberry liqueur.  Well, that sounds disgusting.  But I guess Sage really learned how to mix all the cool drinks back in the Dark Shadows castle. 

 

The Winters clan is super excited to be on the private jet with the lobster and caviar and champagne.  “Get used to it to, baby, because you’re married to the Co-CEO of a Fortune 500 company,” crows Cane.   Jill says this is the only way to live, first class all the way!  Neil mentions to Colin that it sounds like Jill has adjusted to being CEO again.   He knows Colin tried to come up with the money to finance the purchase.  “I would have succeeded, too.  I, uh, found an investment possibility that didn’t quite work out as I’d hoped.”  Neil glances over at gross Devon and Hilary.  “Yeah, tell me about it.  Think I might be interested in an opportunity like that.”

 

Hilary breaks up THAT conversation and asks if Colin’s going to monopolize her husband all night.  “Of course not.  It’s Valentine’s Day, you should be alone,” he snarks, walking away.  She cozies up to Neil.  Colin walks up to Devon.  “You are playing a dangerous game if you think you can squeeze me out of Chancellor, while you work your way in,” he whispers.  Devon says his threats aren’t going to mean anything when they come clean to Neil.  Colin smirks.  “You’re going to tell him on Valentine’s Day??  Maybe I’m still holding all the cards after all.”

 

Hilary holds Neil’s hand.  He looks like he’s going to puke.  He asks her if she remembers the first time they flew together on Jabot business?  She is so anxious about flying, she told him before she goes anywhere, she always puts her affairs in order.  He looks her straight in the eye.  This freaks her out so much, she jumps up to get some water.   Devon follows her because of course.  He tells her everything’s going to be okay.  But she could swear Neil was LOOKING at her!  Like he was accusing her with his eyes!  Devon thinks that’s silly.  But it FEELS LIKE he can see, like he knows EVERYTHING she’s thinking!

 

Neil watches them with contempt.  We hear him thinking, yeah, that’s it.  Keep on acting like I’m not even here.  I gave you both a chance to come clean, to do the honorable thing, but you’re cowards.  He looks around the cabin.  ALL OF YOU.  I’m not surprised at you, Colin, you always were a self-serving opportunist.  Or you, Jill, you haven’t changed a damn bit.  But Cane, I expected so much more from you.  And Lily, my sweet baby girl.  You’ll be hurt by this.  You don’t deserve it, but they’ve left me no choice.  It all ends TODAY.

 

Summer asks if Austin is TRYING to pick a fight with her?!  Because whatever happened with Kyle is in the past!  “I love you, and I’m WITH YOU, now!”  Malibu Austin apologizes.  He’s stressed about the work thing, so can they start Valentine’s Day over now?  They make out.  Everyone else comes back in with the liquor and grosses out.  Abby wants to play a game.  Never Have I Ever.  Kevin gets all uncle scoldy with Fen, but, dude, he’s in college now, okay?  Bad Boy Austin hands Summer a drink.  She hesitates, but Austin tells her she’s among friends, and she’s not driving.  No one’s going to let anything happen to her.  So start with some straight tequila or something.

 

Abby starts.  Never Have I Ever told a lie.  HA HA!  All the big fat liars have to drink!  Fen goes next.  Never Have I Ever dropped my cell phone in the toilet.  They all have some stank cell phones, let me tell you.  Summer goes.  Never Have I Ever bullied someone into suicide.  Just kidding.  Okay, Never Has Summer Ever had a crush on a best friend.  Fen looks at her and drinks.  Mariah and Kevin glance at each other and drink.

 

Sharon looks at all of Faith’s valentines.  “Mommy, where’s yours?”  Oh, she didn’t get any this year, but that’s okay.   She goes in the kitchen to get cookies.  Faith erases her name on a valentine, and writes To Sharon, From Nick.  Well, that’s so sweet, but untrue.  They hug. 

 

So what does Nick think of Sage’s silk panties?  He asked where she learned to make a drink like that?  “Do you want my resume, or do you want to put me to work?”  Because there's really no explanation for Sage to be a crack bartender all of a sudden.  I TOLD you Nick had a shirt for her.  IT’S HER LUCKY DAY!  She runs to change, because Sage has a pathological need to be subservient.  Nick brings margaritas to Victoria and Stitch, on the house.  What a guy.  She asks if that was Sage behind the bar.  Yeah, she saved him AGAIN!  His night’s looking up after all.  Victoria says her brother is discovering there’s life after Sharon.  Like he’s never discovered “life” before, during, or after Sharon.

 

Nick just happens to go back to the room where Sage JUST SAID she was changing her shirt.  Wow, he can see her BRA!  OOPS!  His phone rings, so she catches him.  Um, uh, better go.  He feels stupid, which is hard to accomplish.  It’s Faith on the phone, wishing him a Happy V Day.  She gives the phone to Mommy.  Thanks again for watching her so he could mack on his bartender. 

 

Sage comes back to the bar.  He says he was just, um, looking for some glasses.  Sage laughs it off.  “Once you’ve seen my silk panties, what’s there to be shy about?”  Please let this joke die now.

 

Billy tells Ghost Delia she made him realize a bunch of stuff and let go of his hatred of Adam in his heart. He’s gonna try really hard.  Happy thoughts.  Bye, Daddy.

 

Chelsea shows Adam her gift for Billy.  It’s a tea rose bush, or a picture of one.  She says you plant it in the spring, and then in May it just blossoms with all these tiny little pink roses.  What season do you think May is in? Adam doesn’t get it.  It’s because of Delia.  She’s not going to give him a rose bush in a penthouse in February until TOMORROW though, because she doesn’t want to make this day any harder for him.  Adam’s not sure that’s possible.  Blah Billy’s pain blah.  There’s no getting over losing a child.  Adam looks sad.  “Are you okay?” asks Chelsea.

 

Kevin says Never Have I Ever cheated on a test.  Wait, like a paternity test, or just any kind?  They all drink except Mariah.  “Seriously?” says Abby.  Mariah just failed tests instead of cheating on them!  Abby says Never Have I Ever been to jail.  Hardee har har!  The jailbirds all drink!  Fen mocks the bachelor party jailing as all fun and games.  They didn’t wear beanies in the prison yard like he had to.  “I almost spent my entire life in prison for a murder I didn’t commit!” says Fen.  Austin pouts or smolders or something.  Now Fen says Never Have I Ever committed murder.  Austin’s had it.  Game’s over.  He stomps outside.  Wth?  It’s not like Fen said Never Have I Ever blown the police chief’s liver all over the floor.

 

Faith has a surprise for Sharon.  She made her a Valentine card for real.  Awww.  Faith likes when Mommy is happy.  It’s all going to be okay.  The lights flicker.  Sharon says it’s fine, but she WORRIES.

 

Sage says she has to turn down the offer of a permanent position.  Wait, maybe she’ll reconsider.  Stitch and Victoria are boring.  They go back home so they can be boring there.  Plaster dust falls on their table!!  NO ONE NOTICES!

 

Adam says it’s all this talk about losing children, and being a father, or rather not being a father.  Chelsea apologizes for bringing that up.  He stares off in the distance and mutters that it’s not her fault.  Ohhh, Gabe has sad feelz!  Chelsea puts her arms around him.  He rests his head on her shoulder and drinks it all in.  Billy walks in.

 

Lily thinks this flight is taking a really long time.  Neil walks over to the bar and pours himself a drink.  “DAD, NO WAIT!  That’s alcohol!!”  Yeah, and not just any alcohol.  It’s 12 year, single malt scotch whiskey, he says, READING THE LABEL.  Says right here it’s 80 proof.  He sniffs it a second, and takes a big swig.  Everyone’s staring.  “So you can read that bottle,” says Cane.  “YEAH, I can read that bottle.  You know why?  Because I can see.  I can SEE EVERYTHING,” he says staring right at horrified Devon and Hilary.

 

 

Edited February 19, 2015 by peach

[crosby777]

 

I wonder if the irony that his product will be the cause of his humping Smelly, probably knocking her up and forever ruining his chances with Phyllis will ever occur to him.  HIS. VERY. OWN. PRODUCT.

This is the best part of that story.  I hate Jack. BLECK. He is such a wimpy loser. I want him all alone or with Smelly the worst fate of all.