Explain it to Me Like I'm Lily: Recaps for the Disenchanted

[peach]

Thurs, July 10, 2014  That's Such Crap, It's Unbelievable!

 

Victoria has something to say to sexed up Billy and Chelsea.  She KNEW this was going to happen when they jetted off to Australia.  Chelsea acts offended and says they just went there to show her which man she could trust.  Victoria trusts Billy to bed down a willing woman when things don’t go his way.  Billy says she has no room to complain, and he owes her nothing since she filed for divorce. 

She’s like, no problem, and leaves.  Then Billy is bummed out that he pushed her away again.

 

Billy tells Chelsea she’s a good friend, but she says, no, she is NOT his friend.  So he wants to drink.  She wants Billy to say they aren’t “just friends.”  It wasn’t just sex for her, and she’s a stage 5 clinger now.  Billy goes with the safe “I don’t know how I’m feeling” route, even though he was pretty sure earlier that he felt great about screwing Chelsea and still loving Victoria.  Chelsea tells him she was shocked at how ALIVE she felt after sleeping with him.  She can’t get her heart broken again, so this is goodbye.

 

Well, Billy doesn’t want THAT, of course.  He wants to have his cake and eat it, too!  Chelsea says if the baby is Billy’s, then he and Victoria will kiss and make up, and where does that leave her?  So Billy starts kissing her because that solves everything.

 

Dylan thanks Stitch for helping save his life.  Stitch says a lot of people care about him, and Ian Ward walks in and says he hopes he can be one of them.  Stitch threatens to throw him out, and Ian loves watching people’s veins throb in their temples.  Ian still wants to be Dylan’s dad, which Dylan doesn’t want of course, because his new dad is the coolest guy ever.  Ian says he and Dylan are both victims of the same irresponsible woman.  Nikki storms in and spits, get away from MY son! 

 

Ian taunts them for a while, and then goes in the hall where Victor accosts him.  “My wife is the good cop,” he growly whispers, “and unfortunately for you, I’m the other kind.”  Victor says Ian is nothing but trouble, but ironically it made his family stronger.  Victor should really give Ian a big fat kiss for giving him something to get Nick and everyone to forget what a torturing monster he is.   Ian taunts him about the family friend being the baby daddy.   Victor says, “I don’t giveadamn what you say.  You’re beginning to push your luck.  Getawayfromme.  Now.”  Ian scurries away.

 

Meanwhile, Nikki tells Dylan about Ian’s lawsuit.  “That is such crap, it’s unbelievable!”  IKR, Dylan, but that’s the writing on this show.  Nikki whines about complicating Dylan’s life, but he’s just glad his dad isn’t a bottom-feeding crook.  Victor pops in and tells Dylan not to worry about Ian or the lawsuit.  He wants to take Nikki home, but stops to tell Dylan how brave he is.

 

Sharon and Faith invite Mariah to the rooftop pool which requires Sharon to buy Mariah a swimsuit.

 

Jack tells Nick about Summer and Austin.  Jack is freaking out, and wants to pull out all the legal stops to get Summer away from him.  Nick won’t help.  He says Phyllis would never do that, either.  Jack is frustrated that everyone is giving him the same advice.  Nick says Summer is smart like Phyllis (snort), and will cut her losses if Austin goes to prison.  He tells Jack to really think about the outcome of forcing Summer to choose between her dad of one year and the guy with abs and dimples.  Nick leaves, and Jack listens to advice about as well as Billy does, and calls Christine to talk about legal action against Summer and Austin.

 

Summer & Austin, meanwhile are lounging at the pool.  He can’t relax because everyone thinks he’s just using Summer, but she doesn’t care.  He leaves.  Sharon and Faith arrive, and Summer tells Sharon her troubles.  Sharon doesn’t judge Summer because of the shitstorm she’s left behind herself over the years.  They talk about the marriage, and Summer admits that Austin’s never told her he loves her.  Sharon knows how to find the chink in the armor.  ;)

 

Austin shows up in Paul’s room.  He wants to say how sorry he is, sir.  Paul soundly scolds him.  Yeah, the justice system failed his mom, but he can’t take the law in his own hands like all the other people in GC do.  Dylan walks in and prepares to tackle him again, but Paul tells Austin to leave.  Paul tells Dylan that Austin wanted to apologize to them, but Dylan just wants him behind bars.  Dylan’s getting released tomorrow, and the two joke about what’s next for them as father and son.  More bro feelz.

 

Faith tells Summer she can’t be married because she didn’t have a wedding.  Omg, never tell this kid what happened to Hilary.   Austin is back and should go to jail just for that hat.  Faith mildly tells him her daddy says he should be in jail.  They laugh it off. 

 

Jack shows up.  He wants to know if Austin told Summer yet.  Uh, told her what??  Jack spills it that Austin will divorce her if he goes to prison, and Jack wants him to do it now.   He thinks they just got married to keep Summer from testifying.  Summer is upset, and Jack tells them he went to the DA to ask the court to overturn their fraudulent marriage.  These people are doing some pretty dirty laundry at this pool.   Summer pouts.

 

Ian runs into Mariah in the lobby of the club.  He asks how things are going at Chez Newman, right when Sharon walks up.   Mariah introduces them, and Ian is literally winking at Mariah in the most obvious con gesture on earth.  WTH?  Ian thanks Sharon for taking such an interest “in my Mariah.”  Sharon bristles and says she is not HIS Mariah.  She’s Sharon’s Mariah, obviously.  He says he couldn’t be more pleased about her new life with them.  Sharon doesn’t know how to take that.  Mariah’s going to get a swimsuit at the boutique and meet Sharon at the pool.  Ian tells her to keep up the good work, and that she’s even winning over Nick.  She smiles.

 

Victoria goes to see Stitch at the pool and rants about Billy and Chelsea’s wicked ways.  Stitch asks her if she’s so over Billy, then why is she so upset about it?  Because it’s CHELSEA, that’s why.  Vicky says it’s just because Billy is such a lying hypocrite!  Stitch is like, is that anything new?  Vicky finally tears off her wedding ring…to reveal the ill-advised ring tattoo she has underneath.  That’s how into Billy she used to be.  Stitch is like, greaaat.  They are going to miss each other when she goes to DC, and they kiss goodbye.

 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Nikki keeps acting stupid about what might have happened if she’d known Paul was the baby’s father.  She gets irrationally bitchy and says she won’t be a prisoner in her own house!  And that things are different now that she and Paul have a 200 lb baby boy together.  Victor says it doesn’t change a damn thing!  He reminds her that if they hadn’t met, there would be no Nicholas, no Victoria, no grandchildren.  Everything worked out, so don’t look back.  Then she cries and says, “You’re right, as always.”  Ugh.  Except he’s right this time, lol.

 

Back at the cottage, Sharon and Nick talk about Mariah.  Sharon just feels sorry for her being associated with Ian. She’s determined to break Ian’s hold on her.  Nick says Ian Ward doesn’t stand a chance against Sharon.

Edited July 15, 2014 by peach

[Joimiaroxeu]

Nick says Summer is smart like Phyllis (snort)

Talk about damning with faint praise...

 

And that things are different now that she and Paul have a 200 lb baby boy together.

Man, do they even make Babybjörn carriers in that size?

[peach]

Fri, July 11, 2014  It's Majorly Major

 

Nick tells Sharon he had a dream about Summer needing some kind of transplant and only the father could donate.  But they wouldn’t let Jack, instead they looked at Nick.  Do you think Paul was there?  Sharon looks shocked.  Then she consoles Nick about how he’s handling Summer’s troubles.  She thinks maybe Summer needs a woman’s perspective now.  She’s going to try to help Summer, and has a strange feeling that she somehow owes Phyllis this.  Nick is like…wow.  What can you even say to that?

 

Kelly tries to convince Jack that backing Summer into a corner is a bad idea.  Jack says he has no choice, and the threat of Summer getting arrested will bring her to her senses.  Just ask Victor and Victoria.  Abby walks in and hears this.

 

Kelly leaves, and Abby tells Jack he’s nuts.  Jack tells her about the marriage he cannot understand.  Abby explains how Summer is dickmatized because Austin was Her First Time.  You know how females are.  Abby tells Jack that sex for girls is “majorly major.”  Jack just can’t stand that it’s with Austin, and he has to tear them apart.  She points out that he’s acting like Victor.

 

Summer pouts in bed with Austin, not over possible arrest, but because he said he’ll divorce her.  Maybe Jack is right about him marrying her to keep her from testifying (which was her idea).  She loves him!  “I love you, too!” he blurts out.  They’re both shocked.  “I’ve never said that to a girl before,” he says.  Umm, has he said it to a boy?  Summer’s frown turns upside down!  She wants to show the world how much they love each other.  They should get married in a church to show everyone.

 

Avery brings Dylan home.  He has a misplaced guilt trip about not knowing Austin was her stalker.  She pampers him, and gets interrupted by a call from the cooking show producer.  No!  She will never do that show again!  YAY!!  Avery and Dylan snuggle on the couch, and she keeps getting interrupted by the phone, so he finally grabs it and sees a text from Leslie about Austin’s case.  He can’t believe it.

 

Avery says she couldn’t turn her back on Austin because he’s a grieving kid and means a lot to Summer.  He just made “bad choices.”  Dylan is angry, but Avery says Austin only wanted a confession from her and never intended to actually hurt her, or Paul.  But what if it happens again, and next time Summer gets hurt, asks the guy who kidnapped a baby during a psychotic break.

 

Michael is defending Nikki against Ian’s lawsuit.  He says she needs to be prepared for anything. They meet to discuss a settlement.   Nikki doesn’t want to go to trial, no matter what Victor says, so she just wants to know how much Ian’s “justice” is going to cost her.  Ian taunts her mercilessly about being a stripper and an alcoholic among various things until she loses her temper and screams at him.  Ian won’t settle, he intends to take it to trial and call a lot of witnesses. 

 

Michael can’t believe Ian wants to call Dylan as a witness.  Nikki cries on Michael’s shoulder about how Ian wants to drag everyone she cares about through the mud.  Michael will do his best to keep that from happening.   Ian pops in one last time after the lawyers are gone to taunt “Nicole” some more about his beautiful memories of their encounter that he will hold onto forever.  “See ya in court!” he grins, and leaves.  Nikki’s about to either pass out…or drink some of that Scotch in front of her.

 

Summer & Austin ask Noah & Courtney to meet them at the pool bar.  They invite them to the Genoa City InstaWedding they are having that afternoon.  Yeah, they’re like busy today, and uh, no, they don’t support this wedding at all.  Summer pouts because no one loves her.  Waaah.  Kelly overhears and looks pained.

 

Austin criticizes Courtney & Noah, who are looking really hot together today, for not caring about Summer, blah blah.  Abby shows up and warns Summer to get an annulment before Jack has her arrested for perpetrating fraud.  Summer doesn’t care about that.  Even if no one will come, she and Austin are getting married in a church today which has magical powers and will render the law impotent against Their Love.  Abby doesn’t think so.  Kelly is still listening.

 

Summer & Austin leave, and Abby tells Courtney & Noah they all have to stop Summer.  They are already like, meh, and Noah thinks Abby might just be jealous because she isn’t the one walking down the aisle, because females, amiright?  Abby laser glares at him and says she just doesn’t want Summer to get hurt.

 

Sharon visits Summer who tells her she’s preparing for her wedding.  Sharon is surprised.  Summer tells her Austin did say he loved her, and that she’s the first girl he ever loved.  Sharon is sympathetic, and talks about when she and Nick fell in love and nobody wanted them to get married either.  She offers to help Summer get ready.

 

She offers to share her lipstick with Summer since Creamy Nude is the perfect shade for a bride!  Summer gets sad because that is the exact lipstick they found in the stairwell when her mom crashed into her coma.  Sharon gets a wonky memory about lipstick falling down the concrete stairs and starts to freak out.  Moral of the story:  If everyone works for a cosmetics company, don’t leave lipstick as a clue.

 

Noah and Courtney show up at the church, against Courtney's will, and she must be protesting by wearing a cleavage cutout dress in church.  Noah says he's gotta be there for his sis.

 

Kelly finds Jack and tells him about Summer’s wedding plans.  Jack grabs the phone to get Christine to have an arrest warrant issued right now!  Kelly grabs Jack’s arm.  “Don’t, DON’T!” she cries.  She tells Jack that she’s watched them together and they really do seem crazy about each other, and Summer is desperate for her family to celebrate that with her.

 

Kelly makes an impassioned speech about how her father died before he could walk her down the aisle, and then her own son died before he could grow up, and she could ever witness his joy when he got married.  Despite the circumstances, Jack is so LUCKY to have this opportunity, and he shouldn’t ruin it.  I admit it, Kelly gave me some feelz with this.

 

Nick gets a text from Sharon about the wedding, and then Austin shows up at his door.  Austin knows Nick hates him, but Summer needs her dad to walk her down the aisle at her wedding.  Nick wouldn’t feel right taking that place from Jack, but Austin says Jack is out because he’s threatening them right now.  So is Summer going to have her dad there or not?

 

Kelly keeps begging Jack to be there for his daughter when it’s so important, and she’ll never forget it.  Jack says he got robbed from raising her and building all that trust he needs to deal with this right now, so he’s helping her the only way he knows how. That’s some interesting logic…since you don’t trust me I’ll have you arrested.  Why does it feel like this has happened before?  Oh, because it has.

 

The show alternates between Kelly insisting Jack will regret it forever if he doesn’t go to Summer, while he resists it, and Austin convincing Nick to go to Summer himself.  It’s a dad showdown.  Who will win?  Or will she walk down the aisle with one dad on each arm because Summer is a spoiled twit?

Edited July 15, 2014 by peach

[Joimiaroxeu]

Umm, has he said it to a boy?

Whoa, I've been silently campaigning for Austin's maybe-not-so-ex-girlfriend to show up but an ex-boyfriend would be even better. Would Y&R dare go there?

 

she must be protesting by wearing a cleavage cutout dress in church.

New from Chelsea by Jabot: the Church n' Twerk line for those busy ladies who don't want to bother changing clothes between sitting in a chapel pew and waiting for that bass to drop at the club.

 

That’s some interesting logic…since you don’t trust me I’ll have you arrested.

No worse than...support my quickie wedding to a shootin' and kidnapping' convict-to-be or I'll stick out my lower lip and guilt-trip you so hard you'll die from it.

[Snaporaz]

Oh my gods, peach...are you binge-watching this show?  That can't be healthy.

[peach]

Oh my gods, peach...are you binge-watching this show?  That can't be healthy.

It's not as bad as it seems.  I'd just been jotting notes down here and there as I watched sections of it, and then I typed a bunch out at once.  I'm deflating, though.  I did enjoy watching the wedding scenes (ducking, now), but this Winters stuff is dragging me dowwwwwwn from Mon-Tue.  I was just very happy that a wedding was actually shown on camera, and it wasn't next to a fricking hot dog cart.  And Faith was so darn cute, because you could tell the little girl playing her was really that excited and loving it.

 

Edited July 16, 2014 by peach

[canucktvwatcher]

SPOILER-ISH for today's ep:

Ugh. Wait until today's ep, where you get treated to more of SB's wooden acting, complete with the worst "NOOOOO!" this side of STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH, when a newly minted Darth Vader screams this when he learns Padme is dead. I want to scream this at my tv every time SB shows up on it, but whatcha gonna do?

Also, Drinkki has a Super Secrit Hippie Dippy Diary from the bad old days, with deets about her and YouGotThatIanWard. Ex-DA Mikey tells her all of her dirty laundry will be aired if this is entered into evidence to prove crimes against her were committed by Ian. Everything from the Show In Tijuana to drinking thirsty sailors who have been away at sea for months under the table will be out in the open. She's down with letting this be evidence. Ian is as smug and repulsive as usual! Do we really need to hear the sordid details of Fifty Shades of Way (Too Much Info About Nikki)?

And to the surprise of no one, Crustine bitches Paulie out. She's all mad people are "protecting" Drinkki, and that their big dream of having rugrats is basically kaput. Meh. Hey, maybe Danny Suckalotti will roll through town and they can get the Big Hair and The Bug Nostalgia Tour 2014 underway again. Also, Paulie clutches his liver after The Bug leaves.

Grampire also braves the sunlight and sees a doc....but you know he's up to no good. Expect Sharin-related fuckery to ensue. Oh, and as some folks have guessed, it seems Turd will also be the catalyst to wake up FrankenPhyllis. He was reading the paper the other day about some Wonderdrug/Treatment that will wake patients up (I'm paraphrasing here). Damnit, Victurd, why can't you let sleeping Red Dogs lie? But you just know, if it meant that he could get back at Sharin, Old Balls would be standing over Syphillis with jumper cables ready to pounce if it meant that waking up Godzilla would further his revenge on Sharin.

Drinkki also pays a visit to Dullard The Wonder Donor, explains that Ian is all being a sonofabitch with the lawsuit and everything, and Dullard laments, in his monosyllabic way, bordering on grunting, that the justice system doesn't work, blah, blah, blah, he throws some glass (a cup, I think) at the wall. Oh shit, Ovary's not gonna be happy that you wrecked some of the Easy Bake Kitchen, dude! This is of course lead up to Dullard taking the law into his own hands. I'm guessing the Ian Ward Whodunit will be upon us soon. That, or the Austin Travers Free Meal At The Asskicking Buffet Segment. Meh. I think that, not wanting to stretch the boundaries of SB's limited acting abilities, they got him to show emotion and do this, instead of a full scale cry. Because you know, steam might roll out or his ears if he's asked to, you know, actually act.

Earlier, SB proceeded to diatribe about how he is worried he can't protect those he loves, the justice system sucks, and how the ice cream shop down the street never gives him enough sprinkles. He does this with the logic, reasoning, and enunciation of a slow-witted red-assed baboon. Shocker, I know.

Ah, show, once in a while you give us unintentional gold amongst the shit that the Trained-Monkey Writers throw at the screen.

Edited July 16, 2014 by canucktvwatcher

[peacheslatour]

 

I'm guessing the Ian Ward Whodunit will be upon us soon.

God, I hope so.  I love whodunnits with lots of red herrings!  I hope it's a locked door mystery and they bring in Detective Extraordinaire Ronan.  And I hope the killer turns out to be Lily! And Phyliss wakes up and kicks Bummer's ass from here to Milwaukee! And Avery and Dylan fall off Dru's cliff!   And...wait what were we talking about again?

[peach]

Mon, July 14, 2014  CREAMY NUDE!

 

Kelly tells Jack he doesn’t have to support the WEDDING, just his daughter.  At her wedding.  She says he needs to keep the relationship intact so he can be there for her during the fallout.

 

Sharon’s wigging out over the memory of the lipstick falling down the stairwell, which we see at lipstick level.  CREAMY NUDE!!!  Dramatic music pounds in the background.  She pulls it together to help Summer get ready.

 

Nikki caresses a liquor bottle until she cries out and runs away.  She spends the rest of the episode weeping and having a melodramatic 12 Step meeting with Kay Chancellor’s plaque in the park.

 

Austin gets to the church in a natty light gray suit and he reminds me of someone.  Special Agent Dale Cooper?  Rock Hudson’s skinny little brother?  A taller Chandler Bing?  I don’t know, and it’s driving me crazy.   This dude has excellent posture, for sure.  He thanks Noah and Courtney for coming, and they’re like whatever.

 

Nick shows up with Faith, who’s dressed to be the flower girl.  This brings out Austin’s dimples which have been missing since he shot people and ran away with frowny face Summer.  He nods at Nick who gives him the steely eyes and says he’s only there to support Summer and because Sharon made him.

 

Do we have to talk about the Winters?  Ugh.  Let’s just get it over with.  Lily is complaining to Devon about him leaving town, because what young billionaire wants to see anything besides GC and Lily’s kids?  Abby sweeps in and thinks the Winters family has sane people in it.  She gossips about Summer’s stupid wedding, which all agree is crazy, except for Devon.  He says the heart wants what it wants, even if it’s the wrong person for you.

 

The wrong person for him walks in and argues with Lily about picking up her clothes from the laundry service.  Lily decides she’ll go get them.  Yeah, right.    Hilary complains about how Lily “assaulted” her by throwing her in a pool, and Abby kind of deliciously rolls her eyes.  Lily didn’t find the clothes, of course, so Devon and Hilary go look.  Lily complains about Devon fawning over Hilary, and then tries to set Abby up on a date with him.  Abby pretends that’s something she might consider doing some day that isn’t now.

 

Meanwhile, Neil is up on the roof making a real estate deal on a fixer upper by the lake.  He shows a picture of it to Cane, who thinks maybe this isn’t the best time to go into massive debt on sketchy real estate.  Neil gets pissed that Cane has any doubts whatsoever about his instabride, and wants to know if there’s something Cane’s not telling him.

 

Down in the laundry room, Devon and Hilary have awkward closeness, and she tells him he has to stop setting up these cozy situations.  Now that Hilary’s lost all her agency as a person, she’s forgotten she could just say no every time.  Thanks, Neil.   Devon knows he has to stay away from her, so he’s going to leave town, far away, for good.  Oh noes!   Now Hilary begs him not to go, I guess because she can’t live without him or something else that isn’t perceptible to me.

 

Meanwhile, back at the church, Sharon is looking lovely in a pink and white patterned dress, getting Summer ready in the vestibule.  Summer’s found a perfectly fitted halter bridal gown that she must have grabbed over at Lauren’s invisible boutique, because it has everything, and her hair is swept up in a bun.  

 

Sharon produces Nick.  Summer gets teary eyed, and Nick says he had to be there for his Super Spoiled Girl.  He gets emotional talking about walking her down the aisle, since he thought he’d never have the chance.  They embrace.

 

Jack is conflicted back at Jabot.  He isn’t sure he’s right about this whole arrest thing anymore.  But Det. Mark Harding rushes in Jack’s office.  He is SUPER excited because the DA is ready to move on the arrest warrant right the hell now.  Justice never sleeps in GC.  The department hates Travers, and they all think Jack is a hero for throwing his kid under the bus for them.  Jack’s mouth flaps for a while, and Kelly says it’s not too late to change his mind!  Which is absolutely not what Harding just said.  Jack stares.

 

Faith is genuinely excited about being the flower girl.  She is so stinking cute!  The music starts, and Summer and Nick proceed down the aisle.  Austin’s dimples are in full force…and then he frowns.  Someone has come in the door.  “Mr. Abbott?”  Summer turns around and sees Jack, and starts pouting.

 

She asks Jack if he’s there to take them away in handcuffs, but Jack apologizes all over himself.  He’s super sorry he threatened her, and it’s all over now.  He took care of it.  Summer is glad he came, and as predicted, both dads walk her down the aisle because Summer always gets her way.   Noah’s smirk is priceless.

 

There’s an impassioned prayer by the minister, and then Summer & Austin say their vows, which are really just descriptions instead of promises.  Austin had no one and nothing, and was bitter and full of hate until Summer came along like a ray of sunlight and a huge trust fund.  He will love her 4Evah.  Summer says Austin has a dead mom and fills her with hope and now she knows what love is.  He kisses the bride and everyone dies inside.

 

Noah and Courtney take a lot of pictures for people who are supposed to disapprove, but that’s this generation for you.  Sharon is proud that Nick held it together, and he asks if SHE is okay because she has seemed kind of out of it.  She admits that today has stirred up some stuff – CREAMY NUDE! –but she’ll be fine.

 

Summer thanks everyone for coming and starts hugging people (Sharon even hugs Austin), and then Harding bursts in the door, full of joy.  Everyone is shocked, Summer panics, and Jack is confused.  But of course they aren’t going to arrest the pwetty pwincess, they’ve agreed to keep her out of it.  But they’re taking Austin down for violating his bail by committing a crime.

[photo fox]

He kisses the bride and everyone dies inside.

 

I've been to a couple of weddings like that.  lol

[miamama]

He does this with the logic, reasoning, and enunciation of a slow-witted red-assed baboon. Shocker, I know.

 

 

She spends the rest of the episode weeping and having a melodramatic 12 Step meeting with Kay Chancellor’s plaque in the park.

 

Canuck and Peach, you are the best. :)

[peacheslatour]

 

But they’re taking Austin down for violating his bail by committing a crime.

   

How the fuck do they figure?  By getting married?  I mean Bummer wasn't even there, how will she be called to testify? 

[peach]

I know, it's so stupid!  She is hardly a key witness, since she didn't WITNESS anything. 

[Snaporaz]

 

And Faith was so darn cute, because you could tell the little girl playing her was really that excited and loving it.

I'm glad this Faith is back.  She is cute, and there's something really genuine about her.  The last Faith was a little too "TV precocious" to me. 

[canucktvwatcher]

My question: when did Dummer become goddamned Joffrey from GAME OF THRONES?

Why in the Holy Hell does every character that's related to this entitled urchin fold like an accordion when she pouts, sticks out her bottom lip, and stomps her feet? I know folks have asked this upthread and elsewhere, but it really, really is so stupid. Dummer's a meathead of the highest order. I personally can't wait until this marriage dissolves like a Tums in a wino's gut after a long night of boozing.

[PatsyandEddie]

Yeah, well we KNOW what happened to Joffrey don't we! Bwahaha! Does Phyllis have a secret twin we haven't seen? 

 

Everyone is afraid of hurting StuporGirl's feelings. It's always been that way, even before her mother fell. She's just a spoiled ,rotten kid who's used to getting her own way. But of course, Austin will turn out to be fucking Prince Charming and everyone will be wrong and have to kiss her ass. Shades of her mother. GMAFB!!

[canucktvwatcher]

God, I hope so. I love whodunnits with lots of red herrings! I hope it's a locked door mystery and they bring in Detective Extraordinaire Ronan. And I hope the killer turns out to be Lily! And Phyliss wakes up and kicks Bummer's ass from here to Milwaukee! And Avery and Dylan fall off Dru's cliff! And...wait what were we talking about again?

Ha! I like a good whodunit, but honestly, the words YR and good whodunit don't belong in the same sentence.

I wonder if they'll bring back Ramen Noodles and the Amazing Big Board of Clues, viewable to everyone that walks in the station? Ah, Big Board of Clues, we miss you!

Edited July 16, 2014 by canucktvwatcher

[canucktvwatcher]

Austin gets to the church in a natty light gray suit and he reminds me of someone. Special Agent Dale Cooper?

Haha! LOVE the TWIN PEAKS reference here! :)

Just once I'd like to hear Ray Wise say, "That's a damn fine cup of coffee" and order some pie at the GCAC. Maybe he uttered this line already and I've missed it!

Yeah, well we KNOW what happened to Joffrey don't we! Bwahaha! Does Phyllis have a secret twin we haven't seen?

Everyone is afraid of hurting StuporGirl's feelings. It's always been that way, even before her mother fell. She's just a spoiled ,rotten kid who's used to getting her own way. But of course, Austin will turn out to be fucking Prince Charming and everyone will be wrong and have to kiss her ass. Shades of her mother. GMAFB!!

Yeah, Phallus does have a twin...Sheila, remember?! :)

Yeah, I fear Pete, er, Austin Travers will turn out to be The Bestest Husband That Ever Husbanded, and the sycophantery will reach an all-time high.

Who knows how I Can't Believe It's Gina Tognini NuPhyllis will take the news about the Forced Smile Wedding and Reception, though.

Edited July 16, 2014 by canucktvwatcher

[PatsyandEddie]

I admit canuck that I did forget about Sheila being her twin. I must have blocked it out. Yep those two having twincest explains everything!

[Joimiaroxeu]

slow-witted red-assed baboon

Heh, as opposed to a super smart red-assed baboon? Either way, oy, what a visual.

 

like a Tums in a wino's gut after a long night of boozing.

Y'all are giving me life with these metaphors. Not a chance of parole.

 

I mean Bummer wasn't even there, how will she be called to testify?

She can testify to some of the things he said and did after he fled the crime scene. In fact, I don't know why Summer wasn't charged for helping a fugitive avoid capture. Oh wait, she's an Abbott and an ersatz Newman. Nevermind.

[Suby]

I Freakin' Flove Ian

I despise Turd and his "I will crush you" more than I can say.  And what's up with his hair?  He's not allowed near scissors in the retirement home?  What a pompous senior citizen #1 A Hole.

 

What was with Lauren's tucked in the front only shirt?  Was she impersonating pasty-faced Cane?

[Runningwild]

I'd forgotten how bad an actor SB is. Yesterday's show borough it all back to me. Yikes.

[Petunia13]

Austin if being compared to a Twins Peaks character would be James out of anyone.

Edited July 17, 2014 by Petunia13

[Snaporaz]

I think Austin would be the talking log that lady carried around.

[Petunia13]

No the talking block of wood is Dylan.

[SweePea59]

I admit canuck that I did forget about Sheila being her twin. I must have blocked it out. Yep those two having twincest explains everything!

I blocked it out, too. Poor Sheila. Although in my mind it was Sugar, not Sheila at that point.

[thewhiteowl]

Michael Graziadei (Daniel) is a co-star in a new drama on Lifetime tonight. The Lottery, a dystopian future where he plays the single dad of one of the last children born. His son is 5 years old.

In case anyone is a fan.

[peacheslatour]

Thanks thewhiteowl!  I loved him in American Horror Story.

[thewhiteowl]

Your welcome but I must correct myself, it's tomorrow night 7/20 on Lifetime.

[peach]

TUE-FRI, July 18
Honestly, I just had to take a break from writing about  the nonsense of Genoa City…so, briefly, what happened last week was:

 

Cane caught Devon and Hilary getting hot and heavy on top of a washing machine, and tried to convince Hilary to do the right thing, which I think he meant was to break it off with either Neil or both of them.  She took Neil  to a Cubs game instead because she’s not stupid.  The game gets called due to rain, and the Winters are too boring to find something else to do in Chicago, so they come back to the club so Hilary and Devon can look sick across the room from each other some more.

 

Lauren wants to open another invisible boutique, and Jill won’t front her the insurance fraud cash unless Colin is a partner.  Lauren refused.  Devon said being family isn’t a reason to be stupid, and went on some kind of rant about not sparing feelings.  But they finally talked her into it.

 

Victor thinks the whole world’s gone to hell in a handbasket when billionaires don’t stop debutante weddings with criminals.  Also, he found a doctor with magical medicine to reverse comas, because of course.  He’s Victor Newman.

 

Abby forgot to wear pants, and also lamented the demise of all the marriages in the world, especially Traci’s.  The solution to sadness is an Abbott family dinner.

 

Kevin called Chloe one last time to “let her go.”

 

Stitch and Billy had a minor shoving match at The Underground, which is finally less hilarious than those of the past.  Stitch convinced Chelsea that if she torpedoes Stitch’s relationship with Victoria, she has no chance left with Billy.  Chelsea’s still keeping the secret that he isn’t Ben Rayburn.  Billy’s still a believer in if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.  Adam’s Hand is still squeezing his stress ball.  And then Adam’s Hand COMES HOME.  Or someone’s hand does.

 

Kelly and Stitch dragged out the secret some more, and Jack almost overheard it, but of course none of us heard it.  Jack thinks it’s too hard on Kelly to keep the secret and she should really tell “someone” as in him.  It’s so sad that she has to carry Stitch’s huge burden.    Jack kept pressuring her until she admitted that her brother… is a murderer.

Edited July 21, 2014 by peach

[peacheslatour]

Aw peach, I feel for you. This shit-fest is just getting out of hand (no pun intended). It's getting harder and harder to even watch it ironically any more.

[Joimiaroxeu]

Kevin called Chloe one last time to “let her go.”

I can't even come up with a snarky comment to this but geez, the arrogance of telling someone who has already moved on that you're letting them go. I guess this is Kevin's world and Chloe just lives in it. Or at least she did but apparently Kevin was unable to decipher the memo.

 

the Winters are too boring to find something else to do in Chicago

And too cheap to find a place to have sex other than in their car on the side of the road in broad daylight. Ugh.

Edited July 21, 2014 by Joimiaroxeu

[peach]

Mon, July 21, 2014  The Cat Is Not Out Of The Bag

 

Austin & Summer frolic at the pool, and he worries about going to The Abbott Family Dinner.  Summer thinks it will be great since he is part of the Abbott Family due to their eternal love, and mentions having a baby.  Austin is like, WHOA!  Baby??

 

Abby and Traci set the table for dinner.  Traci isn’t going to separate those kids, Austin and Summer.  It’s too bad they can’t put Billy with Victoria, but Traci says Billy is who he is and he does what he does, and now he’s living with the results.

 

Billy is doing what he does with Chelsea on the couch, and the door silently opens.  Someone creeps in.  Those definitely aren’t Adam’s Feet.

 

Stitch and Dylan joke around at Crimson Lights.  Avery is upset that he’s working.

 

Oh yeah, Kelly was telling Jack about how ole Stitch is..a..murderer.  It was one man, one night, and it wasn’t an accident or self-defense.  Omg, says Jack.  Kelly’s so brave.  The worst part of all is who he killed.  Well, she better damn well tell him today because some of us are growing old waiting.

 

Abby wants this to be a healing family dinner.

 

Summer doesn’t want a baby, NOW, or anything, just a bunch of them later.  Austin’s opinion of kids:  God, no!  He wants to go to film school, y’all.  Be a director. 

 

Tyler changed his Faceplace status to single.  Bummer.  Traci ends Abby’s Faceplace stalking session, but is tempted to check Steve’s.  But they persevere.  Abby says Traci is like a warm hug that makes everyone feel better, and she’s tough too.  Traci quotes Cher and says men are a luxury, not a necessity.

 

Kelly told Jack the secret OFF CAMERA so we can’t hear it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  You’re really pushing it, show.  Kelly weeps over how angry she was about Stitch going on to have a normal life, and being related to him.  Jack totally understands, of course.  And now he wants to run tell Billy.  Nononono, says Kelly.  Jack cannot say a word.

 

It’s the weirdo handyman/henchman that has interrupted the kissy face action on Chelsea’s couch, so I guess Adam’s Hand is in the proverbial attic or something.  He pretends he’s there about the buzzing sound “all the residents are complaining about.”

 

More jokestery joking with Avery, Dylan, and Stitch.  Dr. Barton Shelby stops by to talk to Stitch.  He says he’s heard some rumors about Stitch and needs to know if they’re true, and a coffee shop is probably the best place to discuss hospital HR issues.

 

Jack thinks he should tell Billy to protect Johnny.  Kelly insists that Stitch is a different person now, and is not dangerous at all.   Jack asked her to trust him with the secret, and she wants him to keep it so she doesn’t have to lose her brother all over again.  Yeah, but Billy is Jack’s brother, so can’t keep secrets from the people he loves.  Which is why you never shoulda told him, Kelly.

 

Chelsea’s all sheepish because when that door opened, her first thought was, “Adam’s home.”  Adam’s squeezing his little black ball upstairs while Henchman fixes the nanny cam.

 

Avery wipes counters for Dylan.  Leslie stops by to talk about Austin.  The judge won’t allow change of venue for his trial (unlike Ian Ward) so Christine has to recuse herself.  Dylan’s all pissy about how unfair it is that someone so emotionally invested can’t work hard to put Austin away.

 

Stitch gets paranoid about whatever Dr. Barton Shelby’s heard, but it’s only that he’s insightful, attentive, intuitive.  Aw, shucks, Stitch loves saving lives.  So Barton wants to make him chief resident.

 

Kelly argues about what a super duper life saving guy Stitch is now.  But Jack says it’s all based on lies, so all that stuff about trusting him is kinda over, because this information changes everything.  He’s gotta get to that Family Dinner.

 

Billy has to get to dinner, too, but he might bring Chelsea some dessert, hubba hubba.  She assures him that she’s not delusional, and she knows Adam’s never coming home.  Henchman is doing something nefarious to Connor’s dresser drawer.  He uses some handymanese and apologizes for not knocking earlier.  Adam’s Hand reaches out to touch Chelsea on the screen.

 

Austin thinks an Abbott Family Dinner is a real mood killer.  He wishes they could go on some rad hiking adventure.  Ewwww, there are no showers on icky outside hiking adventures.  Or babies.  Like it matters, says Austin, since he’s going to prison.  Summer doesn’t care because when you find your soulmate with whom you have nothing in common, nothing else matters.

 

Traci reminds Abby for the 147th time that there will be another man for her someday, even if she’s just a rich, beautiful, blonde heiress.  Somehow she will be happy again despite it all.  Abby is displeased that Jack is bringing Kelly to his own family dinner in his own house.  For some reason they rang the doorbell?  Kelly’s too stressed out to worry about Abby since she’s on edge wondering if Jack’s going to spill the beans to Billy.

 

Summer comes with Austin, which Jack wasn’t expecting.  Duh, DAD, it’s a FAMILY dinner.  Austin wants to leave, but Summer just blithely keeps talking about “my husband” and she’s just glad someone else is the newest Abbott instead of her.

 

Dylan complains a lot about Austin getting “a free pass” but Leslie thinks he’s being a big baby about it.  He accuses Leslie and Avery of “hiding behind the whole lawyer thing.”  Which means he agrees with Austin, ha.  Avery also tells him to get over it, just a little more nicely.

 

Summer & Austin take a tour of the house. Traci thinks Abbotts should judge less harshly.  Kelly thinks if Austin has remorse and works hard for a good life, forgiveness is in order, HINT HINT.  Jack looks uncomfortable.  The lady folk go in the kitchen and Billy shows up.  He asks what he’s missed.

 

Okay, so the nefarious trick with the dresser drawer was to jam a lace handkerchief in it to remind her of her original wedding anniversary with Adam. That’s supposed to kill the mood with Billy Abbott.  Handkerchiefs stop sex all the time.

 

Life isn’t what Dylan thought it would be, because, like, he didn’t get to be an architect like he wanted.  LOL.  Dylan and George Costanza, Architect.  Blah blah, he has Avery so it’s all good.

 

Leslie congratulates Stitch on being nominated for chief resident.  She mentions Dylan being upset finding out about them defending Austin.  She says the last one to know a secret is always the most angry.  Stitch grimaces.

 

Abby confronts Kelly over lying about Stitch being her brother.  She wants to know why.

 

Jack tells Billy he got some news he never expected.  Billy says they’ll work through it together.  Jack makes that wincing face.  Do you feel MY pain, Jack?  Because someone better tell ME the damn secret already.

[Joimiaroxeu]

Nononono, says Kelly.  Jack cannot say a word.

Fine. He should silently punch her in the throat. (I keed, I keed.)

 

Dr. Barton Shelby stops by to talk to Stitch.  He says he’s heard some rumors about Stitch and needs to know if they’re true, and a coffee shop is probably the best place to discuss hospital HR issues.

Why not? Stitch already conducts most of his personal business of the female persuasion in the corridors of the hospital so it stands to reason he'd handle his professional business out in the street. He and Kelly are a pair. A pair of what, I dunno.

 

Because someone better tell ME the damn secret already.

Someone probably needs to inform the MWTs first.

[SweePea59]

 

Life isn’t what Dylan thought it would be, because, like, he didn’t get to be an architect like he wanted.  LOL.  Dylan and George Costanza, Architect. 

Dylan, George Costanza and Hitler.

[canucktvwatcher]

Fine. He should silently punch her in the throat. (I keed, I keed.)

Why not? Stitch already conducts most of his personal business of the female persuasion in the corridors of the hospital so it stands to reason he'd handle his professional business out in the street. He and Kelly are a pair. A pair of what, I dunno.

Someone probably needs to inform the MWTs first.

Ed Grimley and Stench are a pair of useless teets, that's what they are.

And yes, the writing team needs to buy a vowel and getting a fucking clue. I constantly get the feeling that they stretch this joke of a storyline out to buy more time. Because no one has a goddamn clue where to go with this steaming turd. It seems as though it's the Soap Storyline equivalent of the game of Telephone. Only no one has an idea where they wanted to go in the first place, and who the hell knows what it will end up looking like.

I can't even come up with a snarky comment to this but geez, the arrogance of telling someone who has already moved on that you're letting them go. I guess this is Kevin's world and Chloe just lives in it. Or at least she did but apparently Kevin was unable to decipher the memo.

And too cheap to find a place to have sex other than in their car on the side of the road in broad daylight. Ugh.

Kevin always was a bit.....slow. Especially when it comes to social cues. He would have been better to dress up in the a Silver Chipmunk outfit and deliver her a singing telegram. It would be an improvement on quite a few aspects of the show right now.

As for Hilary and Kneel stopping by the side of the road for a little "boom chucka wow wow" (in the style of the 70's disco), don't forget - he's on a budget! He's buying Hilary that fixer-upper! He can't be splurging for a fancy hotel room when the mood strikes all willy-nilly! That costs money! I suppose they could go Al Fresco, but Hilary would be picking pine needles out of her ass cheeks for a week afterwards.

Edited July 22, 2014 by canucktvwatcher

[peach]

Kelly had to tell Jack The Secret off camera because the writers don't know what it is.  We're in pillow thru the chandelier territory.

[canucktvwatcher]

Dr. Barton Shelby stops by to talk to Stitch. He says he’s heard some rumors about Stitch and needs to know if they’re true, and a coffee shop is probably the best place to discuss hospital HR issues.

Stitch gets paranoid about whatever Dr. Barton Shelby’s heard, but it’s only that he’s insightful, attentive, intuitive. Aw, shucks, Stitch loves saving lives. So Barton wants to make him chief resident.

Jack tells Billy he got some news he never expected. Billy says they’ll work through it together. Jack makes that wincing face. Do you feel MY pain, Jack? Because someone better tell ME the damn secret already.

Focusing in on this for a second. This scene wonderfully encapsulates what is wrong with the show right now: two fucking newbies no one gives a good goddamn about trying to drum up interest with a false start (aka. "Phew! That was close!"), while the audience suffers from an attack of narcolepsy. Barton Von Bartleby, Esquire, who we've seen for a total of five minutes since his character insta-married Leslie, and The Artist Formerly Known Dr. Ben Rayban? I don't give a rat's ass about these two!

Seriously, if the guy playing Bartleby is putting in time on this show to get his SAG (Screen Actor's Guild) card, he's in for a LONG fucking wait. Plus, it's only a matter of time before Leslie bites her fist, realizes that she made a mistake (of course we couldn't blame Judgey McJudgerson Kneel for anything), and she's back with Kneel. Dude better make sure he gets all the scenes in he can! Though if he's lucky, the writers will have him get with Hilary after Kneel casts her aside once he loses interest and his Relationship ADD kicks in. The old switcherooni, another standby soap trope! Then we'll probably get treated to a Miss Devon/Hilary/Bartleby triangle. Man, it even sounds like shit when I write it.

And the secret.....yes, the secret. I'm honestly getting to the point where I don't give an actual fuck about what it is. PB's wincing, patented clenched jaw is just further proof he's probably pissed off with the stupidity he's being handed to act out, but he's gotta roll with it.

The character of Jack has got to be thinking: what worse - being shot by Patty, or putting up with with Ben and Kelly, The Wonder Twins? I'm guessing at this point, a bullet looks like the better choice. Maybe Sarge can come back and yell at all their dumb asses?

Edited July 22, 2014 by canucktvwatcher

[crosby777]

 

In case anyone is a fan.

I am.. I have it taped will try to watch it soon. But so damn busy right now. tooo busy. :) Thanks

 

It's getting harder and harder to even watch it ironically any more.

or to even talk about.. the show is such a shit fest. The only thing I am looking forward to is sharin getting busted from Phyllis.

[Joimiaroxeu]

Seriously, if the guy playing Bartleby is putting in time on this show to get his SAG (Screen Actor's Guild) card, he's in for a LONG fucking wait.

Pretty sure he already has one. He was on OLTL for a good while and most recently he was a recurring character on a nighttime soap on cable. I'm not gonna say I think Terrence Tilford's the best actor ever but Y&R hasn't given him much to work with so far. Just going by the character's ridiculous name, I think the writers don't intend him to be more than a day player and a way to keep Leslie out of Neil's clutches.

[peach]

I don't really care what the secret is either, but I am sick of waiting for the reveal, especially when it's being handled as incompetently as possible.  My guess now is that everyone is going to be told off camera.  They aren't going to ever say what it really is, just that everyone is shocked by it.  As outlandish as that sounds, I think it could actually happen that way.  Stitch..is...a...murderer.  Let's not get into the details.

[peach]

Seriously, if the guy playing Bartleby is putting in time on this show to get his SAG (Screen Actor's Guild) card, he's in for a LONG fucking wait. Plus, it's only a matter of time before Leslie bites her fist, realizes that she made a mistake (of course we couldn't blame Judgey McJudgerson Kneel for anything), and she's back with Kneel. Dude better make sure he gets all the scenes in he can! Though if he's lucky, the writers will have him get with Hilary after Kneel casts her aside once he loses interest and his Relationship ADD kicks in. The old switcherooni, another standby soap trope! Then we'll probably get treated to a Miss Devon/Hilary/Bartleby triangle. Man, it even sounds like shit when I write it.

 

This is because yet again, Barton isn't a real character.  He's just another plot device.  Then if he becomes more important to any story, nothing he does will make any sense because he isn't a person with a backstory and sensible motivations (in that they make sense to the character).  He's a collection of words on a page.

 

The awful nature of the writing has gone past "I don't like this" bad to "how did you get a job doing this?" bad.

[peach]

I am.. I have it taped will try to watch it soon. But so damn busy right now. tooo busy. :) Thanks

I watched most of it, but got interrupted.  It's an interesting show, and Daniel's good.  And he doesn't have the hair.  lol

[peach]

Tue, July 22, 2014  Abby Saves The Show

 

Chelsea examines the love handkerchief that was shoved in Connor’s drawer by Henchman.  Kevin stops by.  He just came from St. Louis where he found out who Stitch really was before he stole Ben Rayburn’s identity.

 

Stitch is SO glad Victoria’s back, and they canoodle in her living room.  She talks about how Reed is growing up, and now there will be another baby soon.  Stitch offers to help her out however he can like with crib assembly and doctor appointments.  Mood killer, since after tomorrow the doctor will tell them whose baby she’s carrying.

 

Nikki looks like Elsa in The Sound of Music.  She’s having dinner with Victor at the club.  She’s not worried, you guys, she’s bothered.  Her personal journal is going to become public record in this trial.  I bet she dots her I’s with hearts, don’t you?

 

Abby grills Kelly about why she kept it a secret that Stitch is her brother.  Wow, Kelly looks tiny next to tall, cool Abby.  Abby thinks Kelly must be hiding something catastrophic about herself, but what could be worse than everyone knowing she’s a homewrecker?  Traci interrupts and apologizes for Abby’s rudeness, but Abby is just playing get-to-know-you.

 

Billy comes up with a worse scenario than anyone being a murderer, and asks Jack if Summer is pregnant.  Thank God, no, and Billy turns it back to himself and says kids need both parents, like Victoria’s unborn baby.  He asks what kind of Dad Stitch is if he didn’t fight to keep his kid in the country.  Or what kind of mom is Vicky who didn’t fight to keep Reed in GC?  Jack says maybe Stitch couldn’t fight.  Billy is like, wth does that mean, but Kelly appears in the doorway.

 

Nikki whines again about how stupid she was back in the Ian Ward days.  Victor asks her to just let him deal with this the way he deals with things.  Get the journal back and let him “take care of things.”  Alas, no.  Despite tearing apart all their lives, she insists that they let the law take care of it, because that’s been going gangbusters so far.  He acquiesces for no reason.  He has bigger fish to fry, I guess, because he has a “business trip” to go secretly de-coma Phyllis.  Sharon’s year old Secret is of immediate importance over a trial that will publicize his wife’s dirty laundry.

 

Stitch wants to be there for Vicky, no matter what the test results are.  She insists that it’s over with Billy either way.  She wants to remove all remnants of Billy from the house, but Stitch reminds her that Johnny needs those things.  He hates missing out on Max’s life and isn’t going to miss one minute of this baby’s life.

 

Billy asks Jack if he knows why Stitch lost custody of Max.  Kelly interrupts and says he didn’t lose custody.  Jack wants to change the subject.  Billy thinks he would fight for his kid way more than Stitch did, blah blah, Billy’s so great, and Kelly reminds him that he said he would drop all this prying into Stitch’s life.  Jack says he cares about his family too much to remain silent, and Kelly asks if this is the time or the place?  Summer & Austin interrupt, and Kelly tells them Traci says it’s time for dinner.  Jack keeps acting weird but drops it for now.

 

Chelsea the Amazing Con Artist thinks Kevin is super smart because he used Kelly’s maiden name to find out Stitch’s identity.  Genius investigating there.  He has a copy of the Chesterfield High yearbook that I thought Chelsea already looked at online, and in it is Ben Russell.  She can’t think of any reason someone would change just their last name, such as everyone still calling you by your first name.   Kevin was then able to find out on the interwebs what Ben Russell did, and shows her.  “Oh my God!” cries Chelsea.  Do we get to see it?  Of course not.

 

Nikki listens to herself whine and cry in her head about Ian Ward while staring at the liquor behind the bar.  It’s too much for anyone to take, and she jumps up and heads for it.  I may join her.

 

The Abbott Family Dinner isn’t quite awkward enough, so Abby announces it’s time for The Questions!  She asks Kelly what family dinners were like for her and Stitch growing up.  Jack says he’d like to know more about his new son-in-law.  He describes how his mom bought him a camera which he turned into a way to pay his rent.  Abby suggests a reality show on inmates, which is actually a pretty good idea.  Summer pouts and Traci scolds, but Abby says it’s not like they don’t all know he’s going to prison. She asks for a list of things they can’t talk about.  She says if your family can’t be honest with you, then who will be?   Awk-ward!

 

Chelsea has to admit she never told Billy about the fake name, etc.  Kevin immediately calls her out on hiding it so Billy doesn’t go back to Victoria.  He says that would leave Chelsea alone, and that’s the last place she wants to be, isn’t it?

 

Victoria sympathizes with Stitch over missing Max instead of questioning him about it.  Instead she professes that she won’t be like Jenna.  She’s not like those bitches out there.  She’ll NEVER keep Stitch away from the baby.  He tells her about being made chief resident.  She’s super excited and wants to celebrate!  But Nikki stumbles in the door instead.  Somebody’s already been doing the celebrating.  Awk-ward!

 

Abby insists she’s not being insulting.  She can talk shit to Summer because she’s been part of her other family before she was an Abbott.  Abby reminds Summer of all the times she herself didn’t listen when people didn’t want her to get hurt.  Austin wants everyone to know that he isn’t planning to live on Summer’s money (because no one in GC cares about money).  He’s just going to use her money for his expensive legal defense and then support her himself.  (You know who would make a hot couple?  Austin and Abby.)

 

Abby reminds Austin it will be hard to get a job with a record.  Summer suggests Jack give him a job at Jabot.  I mean, that’s how Summer got a job.  Austin is like, whoa, he’s a creative type, not a suit and tie guy, and what kind of creative jobs would be at a cosmetics and fashion company?  Billy says he’s not a suit and tie guy, either, but look at him. He had to get one of those Jabot nepotism jobs, too, especially with a baby on the way.  Like Billy is 17 and scraping by to buy diapers and formula.

 

Austin asks him if it’s his first kid.  Awk-ward!  Nope, Billy has a dead daughter and a rape baby.  He brings the whole room down even further, which didn’t seem possible, by saying nothing has been alright since Delia died and everything fell apart, while sitting across from Kelly.  Somebody should probably take his wine glass away.

 

Victoria thinks her mom almost fainted.  They give her water and Stitch thinks Nikki should call her doctor.  He takes his leave, and Vicky tells her about Stitch’s big promotion.  Nikki  likes him better now that she saw what a good doctor he was with Dylan and Paul.  She tells Vicky about her “MS flare ups.”  She asks her if she’s going through with the divorce.  Nikki thinks it must be “jarring” to Billy for Victoria to move on, but Vicky tells her that Billy is moving on by sleeping with Chelsea.  Nikki’s like, well, that’s just gross.

 

Chelsea tells Kevin she and Billy are just friends.  Kevin’s like, yeah, right.  He asks her what’s changed since she wanted to give Billy and Victoria that happy ending she didn’t get with Adam.  EVERYTHING has changed, Kevin.  The writers say so.  Two years ago she was in a Kansas kitchen vowing to love Adam til death did them part.  Blah blah, history lesson, and she loved Adam so much and now he’s dead and this place can be so lonely without Adam in it.  Thanks for bringing out her gasp talking, Kevin.

 

Kevin notices the handkerchief, and she says she found it today and it seems like a sign that he’s still watching over her.  Ha.  Kevin gets that you don’t stop caring about someone after they’re gone, and that’s how Billy feels about Victoria, so she has to tell him.  And what about Johnny??  Chelsea thinks that’s ridic and knows Stitch isn’t going to HURT Johnny or Victoria.  But he’s killed before, insists Kevin. How does she know he won’t do it again?  We can only hope that he kills one of them, you know?

 

Victor schools some doctor at Phyllis’ hospital and wants her medical records sent to the wonder doctor in Switzerland.  Also he doesn’t want her own family to know about it.  So I guess there’s going to be a Newman wing added to his hospital, then?

 

Wild child Summer and Austin are going to go get some coffee and go for a walk before going home.  Oh, home is his crappy apartment BECAUSE THIS SHOW IS HORRIBLE and they don’t want to live in Phyllis’ penthouse apartment because it just feels so empty without her.  Abby points out there was a shooting in Austin’s building.  LMAO.  That is the funniest thing EVER.  Well, Summer says if they can’t stay at the penthouse and they can’t stay at Jack’s then the only other place they could possibly stay in the entire town is his crappy apartment.  Not even the GCAC?  They love the pool!  Jack thinks maybe he can do something about that.  Those crazy kids leave for the evening. 

 

Billy apologizes for bringing everyone down, but Jack blames Abby for that, when Abby should get a frigging medal for her participation.  Traci says it’s been a rough year for all of them which is why she wanted to have this family dinner…to remind each other [of all the stupid shit they all do] that they will always stick together.  Abby goes for it one more time and asks Kelly if it’s nice to have her brother around. Yep, it is nice to have her brother in her life.  Abby says he’s in her sister’s life too. Then she asks Billy about the mystery woman in HIS life.  Billy doesn’t think it’s as funny as he just did.

 

Victoria thinks Stitch would make a great father…but…she and Billy tried so long to have a child, and if she can give him one maybe it will help him heal from Delia’s death.  They will have come full circle.  Nikki says, “My darling, circles have no end, so what makes you think you and Billy will ever have one?”  A circle?  A baby?  How much did she drink?

 

Jack and Billy retire to the living room.  Billy asks if Jack’s even  happy.  Then he gives relationship advice.  All truth, all the time, bro. Trust is hard to get back. Jack grimaces.

 

Summer & Austin get coffee, and she can’t believe the Abbotts didn’t kiss their asses relentlessly, then says she hopes Austin knows she doesn’t care what her family thinks about them.  He’s chill.  Summer whines that Austin won’t come with her to see her mom tomorrow, even though he can’t leave the state.  He thinks she should stop pushing her family away because prison, but she doesn’t want to talk about icky prison so they kiss instead.

 

Kelly thanks Jack for not spilling it about Stitch.  He says he knows how much she’s already been hurt, and he wants Kelly to always trust him and not regret opening up to him.  She leaves, and Abby comes in.  She can’t believe Jack didn’t even ask who Billy is screwing since she can’t possibly be better for him than Victoria.

 

Billy goes to Chelsea’s and wants to know why Kevin is there.  She tosses Kevin out, and Billy asks her if he found something else on Stitch.

 

Kelly calls Stitch and admits that Jack kept asking questions and she told him everything during a commercial.  Stitch is pissed.

 

Nikki says it sounds like Victoria still cares very much for Billy.  She wants her daughter to be as codependent as she is.

 

Jack tells Chelsea how weird Kelly and Jack acted whenever Abby mentioned Stitch.  But enough about that, he came over for sex.  Oh, wait, it was just a kiss.  He drove over there to give her a goodnight kiss and leave.

 

Stitch and Kelly meet up and he yells at her for not just lying to Jack.  He’s like, you owe me for blowing up my marriage the last time!  She insists she’s not trying to ruin his life this time.  She thinks it will still work out okay because Jack had a chance to tell Billy, and he didn’t.

 

Jack tells Abby and Traci that Billy’s just trying to move on with his life.  They laugh a little about such things, and Abby softens enough to ask Jack if this thing with Kelly is serious.  He says he sees her being in his life for a long time.

 

Phyllis’ doctor says Victor is suggesting something unethical.  Victor offers him a sizable donation for his research, so he becomes very agreeable.  Victor sits down with comatose Phyllis and says, “Maybe before you know it, we’ll bring you back home.”

[Joimiaroxeu]

He just came from St. Louis where he found out who Stitch really was before he stole Ben Rayburn’s identity.

Doesn't Kevin have a job? How is he able to be flitting around from state to state digging up dirt on some guy? Who's financing these boondoggles?

 

Jack says he cares about his family too much to remain silent, and Kelly asks if this is the time or the place? 

Naw, heifer, but it's definitely the time and place for somebody to punch you in the throat. (jk)

 

(You know who would make a hot couple?  Austin and Abby.)

Yes! Better her than Phyllis trying to pull another Kyle situation.

 

Nikki’s like, well, that’s just gross.

And the world's like, we know, right?!

[peacheslatour]

Yeah, it was great that Abby was speaking for all of us at THE DINNER- but I could not get past that stupid dress she had on.  I mean she's a beautiful woman, but that "dress" did not do anything at all for her.

[Joimiaroxeu]

that stupid dress she had on

A skort and top.

[peacheslatour]

Whatever.  I still think it did her no favors.

[peach]

Wed, July 23, 2014

 

Chelsea looks at the hilarious yearbook photo of Ben Russell/Stitch, who must have been an early bloomer.  She looks great, btw, in a black and white sleeveless blouse and skinny black pants.  Anita interrupts her and pleads with her again not to help Billy get back with Victoria.  Anita is dismayed to hear that “Dr. Delicious” is a killer.  Chelsea has the proof, so they claim, and she’s not sure she can really keep it from Billy.

 

Dr. Delicious is calling Victoria to ask if she wants him to come along on the paternity test appointment.  She wants go alone, which he accepts, and then, of course, Billy’s at the door.

 

Dylan tells Stitch and Kevin he’s dressed nicely because he has to testify in Ian and Nikki’s dumb trial.  Kevin asks Stitch if he’s ever had to testify in court.  Real subtle.

 

Paul’s back at work pretty damn fast for a liver recipient.  He’s on the phone with some reporter who is asking him questions about the trial and also about him being the father of Dylan and crazy, dead Ricky.  Christine disapproves, but at least her hair is looking more lustrous and full of body.  Paul says he put that info out there because he thought it would help Nikki’s cause (??) and there’s nothing wrong with helping a friend, is there?  Chris says if it affects his recovery, then yeah, there’s a lot wrong with it.  She says to stop putting Nikki first.

 

Michael and Nikki review her case. Omg, she looks fantastic in a navy blue dress, and also great hair.  I, the jury, find her not guilty.  I would like to kiss whoever the stylist is this week.  Michael asks if she’s prepared to have every detail of her private life out there for the whole world to hear, except probably the viewers.  She is sad about how Ian is violating her again and how it will hurt other people too.  But she will just prepare herself to be dragged through the mud.

 

Billy already wants to name the baby Billy Jr.  He keeps pushing to be with her, like all the times he been there for her before. Or all the times he hasn’t, reminds Victoria.  He says he just doesn’t want her to go through this alone, and since he won’t take a hint, she now says that Stitch is going with her.  Billy’s pissed.

 

Kevin says he’s just making conversation about trials since he finds them so fascinating.  He’s had a few of his own, if Stitch didn’t know, including committing a crime so serious he did time for it.  Stitch is like, uh-huuuh.  Kevin lays it on pretty thick about how his soon to be ex-wife never forgave him for messing with the law, you know how that goes.  He walks away, and Stitch is kind of freaking out.

 

Chelsea TOLD ANITA the secret OFF CAMERA.   ANITA!!  This show is just sticking its thumb in my eye at this point.  Anita doesn’t think Stitch is the murdering type because he’s so gorgeous and polite.  There aren’t really a lot of ugly murderers in GC.   Anita thinks it’s even MORE important not to tell Billy, unless she wants to give Stitch a reason to kill again.  Lol  If only.

 

Chelsea insists that Stitch isn’t going to hurt her, he’s super nice now.  Anita thinks Chelsea is being pretty stupid if she doesn’t remember how fake the two of THEM are.   Chelsea thinks she should tell Billy because it’s the right thing to do.  Anita says the right thing to do is keep Billy because he puts a sparkle in her eyes.  But Victoria!  Anita says, “Why would he want to be with that wet fish when he could be with my baby girl?”

 

Billy and the wet fish argue about Stitch.  She gets in a dig about Billy’s “fact finding” with Chelsea, and Billy says at least Chelsea wants him to be HAPPY when Vicky only wants to put him through hell.  Boo hoo, then leave.  He’s furious about “taking a back seat” for the paternity test.  Ha, a back seat is what got her here.  If that baby is his, he’s going to be front and center in his child’s life.  She says she would never keep him away from his child, but the divorce is going through, and Stitch is going to be a significant part of her life.  He notices his pictures are gone and storms out.

 

Vicky calls Stitch and tells him she changed her mind and wants him to come along to her appointment.  They’re going to meet at the club for lunch first.  Stitch is giddy, and then Dr. Barton Shelby comes along and pats him on the back some more about chief resident.  Dylan thinks that’s great.   Doc Bart says the only person who can screw it up now is Ben Rayburn.  Ha.  Kevin listens and has his thinking face on.

 

Harding comes in Paul’s office and gripes about Kevin keeping bankers hours instead of doing his job at the department and jokingly rakes him over the coals a bit.  He’s sporting the ten day beard that surveys say all the ladies love.  There is banter and then Christine nags Harding for dumping these issues in poor Paul’s lap when he’s trying to recover.  Kevin screwing around and being late is just so stressful. 

 

Harding apologizes and leaves, and Paul tells Chris he’s not a freaking invalid.  He’ll get involved in what he wants to get involved in, including being a character witness for Nikki.  Chris bitches about how half the town is holding her hand, isn’t that enough?  Paul’s like, I was the one who was THERE.  He can testify that she did not deliberately deceive him about Dylan.  Chris disagrees.  She thinks Nikki is a proven liar.  So much for not causing poor Paul any stress.

 

Leslie calls Doc Bart and asks if he can meet her for lunch.  Dylan and Stitch chat about the paternity test, and Kevin steals Doc Bart’s hospital ID off his coat.  Dylan’s glad Stitch is finding out now, and Stitch complains about how that piece of work, Chelsea lied to Dylan about Connor. Dylan says to let it go.

 

Anita pretends that taking Connor for walks attracts men who think she’s the hot mama.  Right.  Billy bursts in to whine on Chelsea’s shoulder about how Victoria’s latest tops everything this time, which is the entire basis of their relationship.  Anita rushes off.  He bitches about Vicky taking down his photos and letting Stitch go to the doctor with her.  Chelsea just stares at him and it dawns on him that he’s being selfish.

 

Christine explains how Paul was kept in the dark with everyone else by lying wench Nikki.  She tries to convince him that taking the stand will actually bury Nikki’s chances in this case.

 

Michael tells Nikki she’s a remarkable woman with more courage that most people dream about.  He says she’ll be fine when this is over.  She stares at the liquor behind the bar.  He’ll meet her at the courthouse.  She stares at the liquor again.

 

Leslie offers to help Dylan before he goes to testify.  He thinks she’s just trying to clear her conscience, but would still welcome any pointers.  Captain Wow thinks he’s Nikki’s best chance.

 

The bartender offers Nikki a martini, but she holds off and scurries away. 

 

Christine says Paul knows she’s right about the damage he could do to Nikki’s case.  She reminds him he’s NOT her husband so do [Christine] everyone a favor and stay out of it.  FINE, but he’s still going to the courthouse for support.  FINE, then she’s going, too, because Nikki might somehow steal him from her while on the witness stand.

 

On the way out, Paul sees Kevin and reprimands him for being late.  He says it won’t happen again, and starts trying to get some info with Barton’s ID number. Harding comes out and busts his chops because he has a JOB to do, and people’s lives depend on it.  Kevin smirks about being the IT guy so who cares if he’s late?  Harding says if he cares so little, then what is he doing there at all?  Michael comes in and says that’s a good question.  He wants to know what his little brother’s been up to.

 

Stitch meets Victoria.  She’s stressed out about her mom’s civil suit being today on top of the paternity test.  He asks why she changed her mind about him coming.  To spite Billy, duh!  Oh, wait, because she wanted someone there who wouldn’t put pressure on her that she can count on.

 

Billy apologizes for barging in on Chelsea just to go off on Victoria.  She pretends that she doesn’t care because she’s no clinger or anything.  He says he can’t give her what she needs right now because if the baby is his, he still has a shot with Vicky and he’s going to take it.  Chelsea says she’s touched by his love for Victoria because it’s like her love for Adam before Billy killed him.  All the same, they both like that friends with benefits thing they have going on.  Billy says as long as they’re honest with each other it will all be okay.  Chelsea’s like, yeaaah.

 

Dylan and Nikki get to the courtroom.  She says she should be more used to courtrooms by now.  Haha!  She tries to prepare Dylan for all the trash that’s going to get thrown out there from her journal and how gross it’s going to be.  Especially that part that says how her life would have been easier if she hadn’t gotten pregnant.

 

Michael wants to know what Kevin is doing missing all the time, does he WANT to get fired?  Kevin doesn’t really care because he only took that job to stay out of jail and prove to Chloe he was worthy.  Michael thinks Kevin should prove it to himself.  Yeah, well, whatever.  He really doesn’t care about this job. He stomps out.

 

Victoria is really putting the cart before the horse and mulls over versions of the name Benjamin for the baby.  Stitch has been thinking of a name that really speaks of power and passion and confidence:  Egbert!  Hahahaha….Vicky’s laughter dies down when she realizes he might not be joking.  Uh, was Egbert his father’s name?  Stitch stops smiling and says it doesn’t matter.  Egbert Russell, patricide victim?  Are you kidding me? 

 

Chelsea tells Billy whatever happens with the paternity test today, she’s okay with it.  “If only everyone can be like you,” says Billy.   If only everyone will just give me free sex while I try to get back together with my wife.  Chelsea leaves the room to answer the phone, and Billy notices the yearbook sitting on the couch.

 

Nikki tells Dylan if she had ever known what an incredible gift Dylan was going to be she would  never have written those dreadful words.  He understands.  Paul shows up and tells Nikki and Dylan they will always have his support, while Christine openly seethes in the background.

 

Leslie is beating herself up for ever defending Ian Ward in the first place.  Barton reassures her because he’s reassuring like that.  He realizes his ID badge is gone.  Kevin has it along with a stolen white coat so he can sneak into the hospital personnel records.  Which I don’t even get, but he finds something that makes him almost say holy shit!

 

Victoria wonders why Stitch got so quiet.  She thinks he’s just worried about the paternity test results.  She says no matter what they are, she wants to be with him.  Nothing’s going to change that.

 

Billy’s leafing through the yearbook and sees the photo of Ben Russell.  Chelsea walks in, and he asks her what the hell is THIS?

[Joimiaroxeu]

This show is just sticking its thumb in my eye at this point.

Yeah, it's a sad state of affairs when day players are allowed to know THE SECRET before the audience is clued in. It's like they don't even care about us. Harumph!

 

Anita thinks it’s even MORE important not to tell Billy, unless she wants to give Stitch a reason to kill again.

Pish tosh. Billy recently killed (or tried to kill) Adam so I think he could hold his own in a death match with Stitch. "Whatever, Billy. I'm not afraid to die." "Great, Rayburn, Russell, whoever the eff you are. I'm not afraid to shoot you in the gut and send your bleeding body inside a burning car into a freezing, rushing river. Oh yeah, mothereffer, I got them skillz." (Billy throws up the Abbott gang sign.)