The Quotes Topic: "You may call her Bev... or Sea Hag!"

[StaceyNotStacie]

I’ve been watching too much Roseanne. I was at Mass this evening and part of one of the readings had the line “render to Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is God’s” (I’m not sure of the exact line, so I’m paraphrasing). I almost got the giggles during Mass because all I could think of was the stove episode where Roseanne tells DJ that the Bible says nothing about rendering to Leon. 

[Dee]

DJ: "Doesn't Leon know that you got another stove before this one?"

Roseanne: "Of course not!"

DJ: "But you said it was only ok with God to cheat a big company who cheated you. But you weren't giving Leon any of his money."

Roseanne: "Listen to me DJ, In the Bible it states, 'Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, and unto God what is God's,' okay; it doesn't say no damn thing about rendering nothing unto Leon!"

DJ: "But Mom..."

Roseanne: "No, DJ! Would you get off my back?! Even God took a day off!"

[Bastet]

I probably post this every time the episode is discussed, but my favorite quote from that one comes when D.J. explains he went to church because he had questions about "god and stuff," and Roseanne tells him he should have come to Dan and her, since there's no one better to answer his questions:

D.J.: Okay.  What religion are we?
Roseanne: I have no idea.  Dan?
Dan: Well, my family is Pentecostal on my mom's side and Baptist on my dad's. Your Mom's mom is Lutheran and her dad was Jewish.
D.J.: So what do we believe?
Roseanne: Well, we believe in, uh, being good.  So, basically, we're Good People.
Dan: Yeah, but we're not practicing.

[Dee]

Jackie telling Roseanne they should quit selling sandwiches and start selling stoves cracks me up every time.

[CaughtOnTape]

When DJ doesn't wanna kiss the black girl in the play.

DJ:  "Dad said I don't have to and dad outranks you."

Roseanne:  "Are you new?!?!?"

I don't remember what episode it was or what the plot was, something with Jackie I think.  Complaining about a male, maybe Gary?  I think it was early in the shows tenure.  And she and Roseanne are talking in the kitchen and Dan walks in and asks what's up and Roseanne and Jackie both stare daggers into him,

Dan:  "Run away, run away."

[Mmmfloorpie]

On 10/24/2017 at 4:40 PM, CaughtOnTape said:

When DJ doesn't wanna kiss the black girl in the play.

DJ:  "Dad said I don't have to and dad outranks you."

Roseanne:  "Are you new?!?!?"

I don't remember what episode it was or what the plot was, something with Jackie I think.  Complaining about a male, maybe Gary?  I think it was early in the shows tenure.  And she and Roseanne are talking in the kitchen and Dan walks in and asks what's up and Roseanne and Jackie both stare daggers into him,

Dan:  "Run away, run away."

No that was the ep when Bev visits and Jackie doesn't know when she comes over I think?

Bev gets angry that Jackie didn't go to design school and the Roseanne gets mad that Bev never thought Roseanne could be any more than a housewife.

[Hellohappylife]

When they were in the emergency room waiting to hear how Darlene’s surgery went 

Dan- I feel like there’s something I should be doing.

Jackie- That’s how I feel at work

always cracks me up! 

[peacheslatour]

"I'd bite other people's fingernails if they'd let me."  Sounds like me.

[Bastet]

“I can’t sleep with your hot nostril air blowing over me!”

I’ve used that one.  I have a very hard time sharing a bed (with a human, anyway; felines welcome), period, but tucked up like that is absolutely out of the question and one of the many reasons for that is I hate feeling someone breathing on me.

Becky, Beds, and Boys (which just aired on LAFF and is thus fresh in my mind) has so many great quotes:

When Darlene is ready to kill D.J. because he’s repeating everything she says, and Roseanne asks what’s going on, Dan says, “Darlene is saying everything D.J. says a second before he says it.”

When Darlene heads to open the door when they make Mark come to get Becky rather than just honking, Roseanne stops her and says, “We’re going to embarrass your sister in an orderly fashion.”

When Dan says they’ll take the double mattress, the salesperson asks, “And for the lady?”  (Because, yeah, I seriously have no idea how any two people, never mind two people their size, share a double bed.)

I particularly love the way, referencing the magazine article advice they’re giggling over, Roseanne tells Dan, “On your way back, pick us up some healing facial masks” and Jackie chimes in to say in unison, “for our butts.”  Perfect delivery, and I love the goofy little moments between the sisters.

Speaking of great line delivery, I also love the way Darlene, repeating everything D.J. says while she has him trapped in the laundry hamper, mimics the way he says, “I won’t do it anymore.”

“I call Judy every fifteen minutes, and then she calls Becky wherever the hell she is, and then Becky calls me.”
“And the point of that is?”
“To completely ruin Becky’s evening.  And, you know, make sure she’s okay.”

And the best of Roseanne’s calls to Becky: “Hey, you like pork chops, don’t you?”

[SparklesBitch]

3 hours ago, Bastet said:

Roseanne tells Dan, “On your way back, pick us up some healing facial masks” and Jackie chimes in to say in unison, “for our butts.”  Perfect delivery, and I love the goofy little moments between the sisters.

Yes, I love that too! The goofy moments they have together are always so great. It’s one of the million reasons I love the show so much. The actresses really do have sisterly chemistry, and it’s fun to watch. 

[UYI]

Darlene on her last minute Christmas shopping:

"D.J.'s getting a thousand Q-Tips. No reason, just because I love him." 

Edited December 17, 2017 by UYI

[llewis823]

Don't remember which episode or which daughter Roseanne was saying this about to the the date, but my favorite line that I used repeatedly when my daughter was a teen and went on dates. "Now you be careful with her. She's one of the few things we own outright!"

[peacheslatour]

She was talking to Molly about Darlene after the concert incident.

[Maharincess]

On 12/17/2017 at 8:33 AM, UYI said:

Darlene on her last minute Christmas shopping:

"D.J.'s getting a thousand Q-Tips. No reason, just because I love him." 

At least you got him something on his list. 

[JakeyJokes]

On 12/18/2017 at 10:21 AM, peacheslatour said:

She was talking to Molly about Darlene after the concert incident.

That's one of my favorite Roseanne rants EVER. I don't know it by heart, otherwise I'd post it.

**

Darlene: Mom, I know about lesbians. And anything I don't know, you'll be too embarrassed to tell me.

 

Darlene (after learning Nancy is gay): Whoa! Did she tell you?

Roseanne: No! We just saw the "I'M A BIG DYKE" bumper sticker on her car!

[Bastet]

10 minutes ago, JakeyJokes said:

That's one of my favorite Roseanne rants EVER. I don't know it by heart, otherwise I'd post it.

I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world; don't embarrass yourself.  [Ragging on lying teens] is what I do.  I did it with Becky, I do it with Darlene, but doing it with you is even more fun 'cause I can yell at you all I want and I don't have to buy you a car. ... Since I'm not your mother, I'm not gonna tell you how stupid it is to get into some stranger's van.  And I'm also not gonna tell you how terrible things happen to stupid little girls like you every single day. ... Now, you want to screw up your life, I don't care. But when you leave this house with a Conner kid, you're gonna be extra careful, 'cause Darlene is one of the few things we own outright.

And then she tells her she's going to work off her debt (for Darlene's cab ride home) washing dishes at the diner -- and doubles the actual cost of the cab ride, heh.

[sigmaforce86]

The "Like A Virgin" episode when they come home and catch Darlene on the couch.  The part where Dan finally catches on and stalks back and forth through the living room a few times before grabbing his jacket.  Roseanne ask's where he's going and he says "I'm gonna make sure little Brian gets home alright".  Love his face as he goes back and forth, love his delivery of that line.

And the "Don't Make Me Over" episode when the get home:   Dan:  My God, it's the Shirelles!   Becky : Who?   Darlene : Disco.    Darlene's sarcasm (even while mistaking the genre).  Plus later Dan's whole speech about how angry he is.

 

On 10/21/2017 at 3:47 PM, Bastet said:

Last night I watched the one where Bev gets picked up for DUI and decides not only is she an alcoholic, but basically everyone who drinks is, too, and it should be an awful episode to watch because her passive-aggressive behavior (something, as I've said, she should teach graduate level courses in) and emotional manipulation

I also like when everyone leaves because Bev and Roseanne say no one can drink in the house (which is so ridiculous, yet another example of how this episode is saved by the humorous lines) and Bev tells Dan she hopes his friends didn't get upset and he says, "No, Bev, you know these Super Bowl parties all pretty much break up after kick-off anyway."

Don't want to get too far off topic but we notice this episode because it actually happened in our family.  One cousin went to rehab (at 15) and the following Thanksgiving (she'd been out of rehab for 4-5 months by then) there were over 20 family members at the Grandparents.  Aunt and Uncle come in and see two bottles of wine in the kitchen and literally GO OFF on everyone, we're all inconsiderate, we all need to watch our drinking, we all need to think about how this stuff runs in the family because we're probably the next alcoholics in line and we just don't see it.  When we said the adults were having a small glass of wine at dinner and we weren't altering our holidays they left in a huff.  So if that episode comes on when Bev gets on a roll about the alcohol we just look at each other and go "It's Uncle X and Aunt Y".  And before anyone replies we weren't very supportive they were always pulling entitled stuff, ironically a lot of it around how no matter what their kids did or how they acted even at someone else's house the family couldn't tell their children "no" at all.  That permissive my kids can do no wrong attitude really worked great for them <sarcasm alert>.  

[SparklesBitch]

Watching “Father’s Day” while doing housework. I forgot how much I loved the scene of Roseanne and Dan in bed after Ed leaves. The way Roseanne just keeps laughing while Dan imitates his dad cracks me up.

Dan: “Blankets, let me tell you something about blankets....” 

And then when she yells “shut up!” and he’s all “shut up? I was shut up in a cave once...”

Just awesome. lol! 

[Bastet]

1 minute ago, SparklesBitch said:

Watching “Father’s Day” while doing housework. I forgot how much I loved the scene of Roseanne and Dan in bed after Ed leaves. The way Roseanne just keeps laughing while Dan imitates his dad cracks me up.

Dan: “Blankets, let me tell you something about blankets....” 

And then when she yells “shut up!” and he’s all “shut up? I was shut up in a cave once...”

Just awesome. lol! 

A lot of that was just John Goodman ad-libbing, and Roseanne absolutely adores his sense of humor (as does Laurie), so the laughing is her genuine reaction.  I love that tag, because it works on both levels - that it's largely the actors just being in the moment does not at all distract from the experience, because they're both behaving as their characters would.

[SparklesBitch]

17 minutes ago, Bastet said:

A lot of that was just John Goodman ad-libbing, and Roseanne absolutely adores his sense of humor (as does Laurie), so the laughing is her genuine reaction.  I love that tag, because it works on both levels - that it's largely the actors just being in the moment does not at all distract from the experience, because they're both behaving as their characters would.

I don’t know how they kept it together with him on set! I feel like all three of them would have been fun to hang out with as a group back in the day. And the scene really does work on multiple levels!  

And more on quotes, since I’m now watching Nightmare on Oak Street: 

Dan on Darlene getting her period: 

“Good goin’!”

I just love his delivery and the look on Darlene’s face. 

I also have always liked the little touch of Roseanne telling both girls that they’re her favorite daughter. Very cute. 

[Bastet]

20 minutes ago, SparklesBitch said:

Dan on Darlene getting her period: 

“Good goin’!”

I just love his delivery and the look on Darlene’s face. 

Me too.  I also like when he says he feels like he should say something, she quickly assures him he doesn't have to, he reiterates that he should, and while he's contemplating, she says, "Grandpa says they used to have laces on them."  He's utterly confused until she gestures to the basketball.

My favorite is when Darlene starts tossing all her sports equipment and such, and Roseanne tells her, "These are a girl's things as long as a girl uses them."

I also like the end of that conversation:

"Thanks, Mom.  Can you go now?"
"Yeah, one more thing - watch out for those mood swings."

[peacheslatour]

Quote

"These are a girl's things as long as a girl uses them."

I thought that was a beautiful thing to say. I always get a lump in my throat.

[JakeyJokes]

On 2/17/2018 at 2:00 PM, SparklesBitch said:

 

I also have always liked the little touch of Roseanne telling both girls that they’re her favorite daughter. Very cute. 

That reminds me of one of my faves:

 

Roseanne: Where's my hug?

DJ: Come and get it! (runs away)

Roseanne: And he's my favorite!

[SparklesBitch]

1 hour ago, JakeyJokes said:

Roseanne: Where's my hug?

DJ: Come and get it! (runs away)

Roseanne: And he's my favorite!

That’s one of my favorites too. So cute! 

[peacheslatour]

I just remembered one and I don't know if someone has already covered it. "Watching the Thing That Wouldn't Die on the thing that wouldn't die."

[SparklesBitch]

One little thing that I just love because I feel like every kid has said something like it at least once in their school career: 

Darlene (about Betsy Ross): “She was born, she sewed a flag, and then she died. I can’t write five pages about that!!” 

[peacheslatour]

Darlene *raises hand* "May I be expelled?"

[chocolatine]

15 minutes ago, SparklesBitch said:

One little thing that I just love because I feel like every kid has said something like it at least once in their school career: 

Darlene (about Betsy Ross): “She was born, she sewed a flag, and then she died. I can’t write five pages about that!!” 

Reminds me of one of my younger cousins, who had a homework assignment to write an essay about the qualities of a good leader, and he wrote one sentence: "A good leader must possess leadership qualities." My aunt was suspicious how quickly he was done with his homework, so she checked and made him write a real essay, but it's still a family joke 10+ years later.

[SparklesBitch]

1 hour ago, chocolatine said:

Reminds me of one of my younger cousins, who had a homework assignment to write an essay about the qualities of a good leader, and he wrote one sentence: "A good leader must possess leadership qualities." My aunt was suspicious how quickly he was done with his homework, so she checked and made him write a real essay, but it's still a family joke 10+ years later.

Lol! Well, he wasn’t wrong. :) 

[AM1418]

On ‎10‎/‎24‎/‎2017 at 4:40 PM, CaughtOnTape said:

When DJ doesn't wanna kiss the black girl in the play.

DJ:  "Dad said I don't have to and dad outranks you."

Roseanne:  "Are you new?!?!?"

I don't remember what episode it was or what the plot was, something with Jackie I think.  Complaining about a male, maybe Gary?  I think it was early in the shows tenure.  And she and Roseanne are talking in the kitchen and Dan walks in and asks what's up and Roseanne and Jackie both stare daggers into him,

Dan:  "Run away, run away."

I use this in real life, almost daily. It's my favorite go to.

I haven't read all of the pages to see if this one has been brought up yet, but my favorite episode is "Toto, We're not in Kansas Anymore" and the part when Darlene scares Roseanne after the lights go out.

 

Roseanne: That is not funny! You're grounded till menopause!

Darlene: Yours or mine?

Roseanne: Your father's!

 

My 2nd favorite from that same episode:

Becky: Can't we have her put to sleep? (About Darlene)

Roseanne: We tried but the vet backed out.

[peacheslatour]

Quote

'Toto, We're not in Kansas Anymore" 

That's one of my favs too. So many great quotes:

 [When Roseanne asks Jackie to pick up a couple of groceries]

[to Dan]

Jackie: Fork over the bread, Fred.

Dan: Don't hurry back, Jack.

Jackie: Thanks for the cash... stupid.

 

D.J: Mom, is it safe to watch TV?

Roseanne: No safer than before.

 

Crystal: [while taking photos of the house after the tornado] Okay, everybody look horrified.

Roseanne: It'll be hard to top my wedding photo.

[AM1418]

From "We're in the Money":

Perfume Saleswoman: Do you know what the fastest way to a man's heart is?

Roseanne: Yea, thru his chest.

 

From "Born to be Wild":

Ziggy: Amazing, she's just like you!

Darlene: I am not! I am nothing like her!

Roseanne: Darlene, you are no more like me, than I am like my own mother.

Darlene: Oh...God.

 

From "The Pied Piper of Lanford":

Ziggy: She digs my eyes.

Roseanne: Well, red always was her favorite color.

 

From "Goodbye, Mr. Right":

Dan: We need to get you one of them biker names (to Gary)

Gary: How about Psycho?

Dan: No, we're saving that for DJ

 

From "Boo!"

Roseanne (to Jackie): Help me think of something that will really scare Dan (paraphrasing, I can't remember the exact wording)

Jackie: Tell him you're pregnant.

Roseanne: I don't want to kill him.

 

I've been on a Roseanne binge for the last month to prep for the revival. I have so many quotes running thru my head it's ridiculous.

[AM1418]

I just watched this episode and the quote never fails to crack me up

 

Jackie: Sorry I'm late, the baby kept me up all night

Roseanne: Well, you married him.

[peacheslatour]

Discussing the soap opera episode in the other thread reminded me of a line from that one that I loved "I've always wanted everything I've always wanted!"

[Bastet]

A friend and I were discussing what an asshole Darlene was after she moved to Chicago, and in talking about the Thanksgiving when she called the day before to ask if she could go "visit David" (who is supposedly in Michigan with his mom, but is really secretly living with her) instead of coming home, we remembered this good zinger from Roseanne:

- [Darlene asks if she can go see David instead]
- Yeah, well, I guess you're kinda obligated.  After all, he gives you money anytime you ask for it.  Oh, no, wait - that's me!
- Mom, I've got to spend time with him or he's gonna start seeing someone else.
- Why?  Is there some rush all of a sudden on 5'2" moody boys with no body hair?

[ChicksDigScars]

On 9/21/2017 at 1:22 PM, Mmmfloorpie said:

I'd argue John was slightly better.

Laurie had normal Jackie and then freak out Jackie. 

John had angry Dan, normal Dan, loveable skamp Dan, protector Dan PLUS he was also great at physical comedy. Laurie couldn't take a frying pan to the head like he could. 

John was more versatile is what I'm trying to say (I think).

Agreed. And he's the one that always got passed over for the Emmy, thanks to Kelsey Grammer and Ted Danson....and Burt Reynolds (seriously?) and Craig T. Nelson and John Lithgow and Richard Mulligan.  Laurie Metcalf won twice, and Roseanne once. John Goodman and Sara Gilbert were nominated several times, but never won.  I wonder if Goodman will get another shot. Out of all the cast of the reboot, he seems the most comfortable. He's just not getting a lot of lines, yet. Unfortunately, the Emmys have changed since the first run. Now the nominations are coming mostly from cable and pay services, not the networks. 

[ChicksDigScars]

Becky: Why don't you just kiss my butt?

Darlene: Well, haul it on over here, Jumbo!

 

I hate to say that this has been used in my house MANY times through the years.