I Once Took A Donkey And Some Honeycomb Into... : Jokes!

[annzeepark914]

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own question?  I do.

[Nordly Beaumont]

A vampire walks into a bar and says "I'll have a Bloody Mary." Bartender says "Run for it, Mary!"

[SoMuchTV]

14 hours ago, annzeepark914 said:

My uncle died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

That reminds me of this one (credit to @saber5055 over on the Jeopardy! forum):

This was a freak accident. A photographer was trying to take a group photo when a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him. Witnesses say the people being photographed tried to warn him.

[annzeepark914]

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.

And one more thought...money cannot buy you happiness, but I'd still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.

 

 

[annzeepark914]

“Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is going to be epic!”

“When life shuts a door … open it again. It’s a door. That’s how they work.”

 

 

[Annber03]

17 minutes ago, annzeepark914 said:

“Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is going to be epic!”

LMAO, oh, my god...:D. 

[annzeepark914]

21 minutes ago, Annber03 said:

LMAO, oh, my god...:D. 

I know...that's what I did when I read it.  I figured we all need a good laugh tonight.

[Mindthinkr]

[annzeepark914]

Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes were swollen, nose red)…I can’t see you anymore.  I am not going to let you hurt me like this again.

Trainer: It was a sit up.  You did one sit up.

*****************************************************************************************************************************************

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

[annzeepark914]

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”  I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”

 

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

[annzeepark914]

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[ginger90]

[Gramto6]

"I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?"

[annzeepark914]

Accidentally called 911. Set my house on fire to not look stupid.

We live in an age where mentioning you read a book seems a little bit like you're showing off.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen...I can feel it.

That awkward moment when you're in a meeting and your stomach decides to sound like a dying whale.

[SoMuchTV]

I went to the optometrist.
I was asked what I could see.
I said I could see masks.
I could see people social distancing.
I could see lockdowns.
I was told that was good, and I had 2020 vision.

(Stolen from another forum.  If the originator sees this, @ me and I'll give you credit.)

[peacheslatour]

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're so good at it.

[annzeepark914]

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.

We call those people...cops.

 

I threw a boomerang many years ago. I now live in constant fear.

[peacheslatour]

34 minutes ago, annzeepark914 said:

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.

We call those people...cops.

 

I threw a boomerang many years ago. I now live in constant fear.

I wonder if normal dogs get nervous when they see a police dog?

[annzeepark914]

1 minute ago, peacheslatour said:

I wonder if normal dogs get nervous when they see a police dog?

I bet every creature on this planet gets nervous when she/he/it encounters a police dog. Those are *serious* canines (but I've always loved looking at them...so beautiful).

[annzeepark914]

I don’t know how to use TikTok.

But I can write in cursive, do long division,

& tell time on clocks with hands…

so, there’s that.

[annzeepark914]

Why give hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee folks be evacuating like they need to.

The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask, asking for money.

[Quof]

21 minutes ago, annzeepark914 said:

Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Truth. Pants with a zipper and button have helped me stay within ounces of what I weighed in March.

[annzeepark914]

It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

[annzeepark914]

My dentist told me I needed a crown. I was like, I KNOW, RIGHT?

[hoodooznoodooz]

On 4/11/2018 at 5:54 PM, riley702 said:

https://www.facebook.com/hester.harrell/videos/1512366528874881/

I couldn't get it embed properly. But, these guys took a bicycle apart, taped it back together, propped it against a tree waiting for someone to steal it and filmed the results...

I really would love to find this video. A friend was a victim of bicycle theft THREE times. It’d warm his heart.

[annzeepark914]

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, “Just you wait!”

[ginger90]

[annzeepark914]

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.

[annzeepark914]

The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.

Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.

 

[annzeepark914]

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

What if Soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?

[Mindthinkr]

[hoodooznoodooz]

I think my niece made up this joke:

A dozen muffins are baking in the oven.

One muffin says to another muffin, “Boy, it’s hot in here.”

The other muffin yells, “Aaahh!! A talking muffin!”

 

[annzeepark914]

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

********************************************************************************

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,

"Where's the self-help section?"

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose

A little legal humor:

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

[annzeepark914]

Why is it harder to lose weight as you get older? Because by that time your body and your fat have become really good friends.

What happens when you leave an outfit hanging in your closet for a while? It shrinks two sizes.

[annzeepark914]

Singing in the shower is all fun and games...until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera!

I broke my finger today.  But on the other hand, I'm completely fine.

 

[peacheslatour]

A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering.

 

The host said, "This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!"

[CoderLady]

Ripped off from https://cheezburger.com/14133253/animal-memes-for-hilarious-saturday-dreams

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

[annzeepark914]

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

“The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.”

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this. 

It’s weird being the same age as old people

[RealityCheck]

Funny Signs By The Legendary Tex-Mex Restaurant, El Arroyo (Video 1, Video 2)

Funny Signs In Colorado

[JTMacc99]

 

[peacheslatour]

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

 

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

[peacheslatour]

I always get nostalgic when I put my car in reverse.

 

It takes me back.

[annzeepark914]

I’ve just signed up for an online dating site.

Do you think it’s rude to ask people to send a picture holding today’s newspaper?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just saved a ton of money on my Christmas shopping by expressing my political views on Facebook.

Edited June 21, 2021 by annzeepark914

[annzeepark914]

Plan A never works. Plan B almost never works. No one ever has a Plan C.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Some only gargle.

[peacheslatour]

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

 

Firetruck!

[annzeepark914]

Many years ago there used to be something called the Turtle Club. To become a member, you had to quickly answer this: Provide the four letter word for what's on the bottom of a bird cage". I think this was usually asked in a bar setting...not sure. I just looked it up and there are 4 questions (I was only asked the one I mentioned). If you passed the test, there's a special answer only Turtles can say. Egads... it's been years since I was going to bars with my friends ☺️

Edited July 29, 2021 by annzeepark914

[Mindthinkr]

2 hours ago, annzeepark914 said:

Many years ago there used to be something called the Turtle Club. To become a member, you had to quickly answer this: Provide the four letter word for what's on the bottom of a bird cage". I think this was usually asked in a bar setting...not sure. I just looked it up and there are 4 questions (I was only asked the one I mentioned). If you past the test, there's a special answer only Turtles can say. Egads... it's been years since I was going to bars with my friends ☺️

What is the word on the bottom of the cage or am I missing something? 

[SoMuchTV]

15 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

2 hours ago, annzeepark914 said:

Many years ago there used to be something called the Turtle Club. To become a member, you had to quickly answer this: Provide the four letter word for what's on the bottom of a bird cage". I think this was usually asked in a bar setting...not sure. I just looked it up and there are 4 questions (I was only asked the one I mentioned). If you past the test, there's a special answer only Turtles can say. Egads... it's been years since I was going to bars with my friends ☺️

What is the word on the bottom of the cage or am I missing something? 

Agreed, I think I'm missing something.  All I can think of is newspaper.  Unless they're going for a 4-letter word for what the newspaper is there to catch...?  I guess I could google it, but some things are probably best left unexplored.

[annzeepark914]

OK...my first thought was sh**. But a Turtle is too noble and that nasty word is beneath them. You folks are *way* too noble (thinking of newspapers being on the bottom of a birdcage, instead of something else 😁).

[Bastet]

This doesn't sound like a club I want to join, but is the answer "bird"?  (I mean, my actual answer is "shit", but obviously it's supposed to be something else.)  Bird seems dumb to me, since don't they usually perch on something rather than sitting on the floor of the cage, but maybe it's supposed to be a dumb answer joke?  I don't know - add me to the list not getting the humor on this one.