I Once Took A Donkey And Some Honeycomb Into... : Jokes!

[Mindthinkr]

At first glance I also wondered what is a seal doing inside! 

[Petunia13]

[Mindthinkr]

[Petunia13]

[RealityCheck]

LIFE

• Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

• Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

• Life is a test, and I didn't take very good notes.

• The meaning of life is to give life meaning.

• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

• I intend to live forever-so far so good.

• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

• Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

• Middle age is when the broadness of the mind and the narrowness of the waist change places.

• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

• A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

• If the shoe fits...buy it in every color.

• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

• They keep saying the right person will come along...I think a truck hit mine!

• We may be alone. We may not be alone. Either way, the thought is staggering.

• A penny saved is a government overlook.

• Birthdays are like glazed donuts. Sometimes its better not to remember how many you've had.

• Chocolate. Coffee. Men.... Some things are just better rich.

[Petunia13]

[Mindthinkr]

[Mindthinkr]

[RealityCheck]

IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN OLD MIND WANDERING

• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

• I had amnesia once -- or twice.

• I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

• Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

• All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

• If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

• They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

• Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

• Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

• My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

• The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

• Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[Petunia13]

What was Santa's helper's problem?

----he had low elf esteem 

[Sandman87]

6 hours ago, Petunia13 said:

What was Santa's helper's problem?

----he had low elf esteem 

Maybe he should read an elf-help book...

[Sandman87]

This randomly popped into my head tonight while I was washing dishes:

Q: What do you call an elephant without a nose?

A:

Spoiler

Truncated.

[RealityCheck]

STRESSFUL DAYS

If you're stressed, here are some comments you can use to help articulate your mood to others...

• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

• Well, aren't we just a ray of f*cking sunshine?

• Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

• Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

• A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

• Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

• Do I look like a f*cking people person?

• This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

• You! Off my planet!

• Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

• Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

• If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

• I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.

• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

• And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

• I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

• See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.

• Allow me to introduce my selves.

• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

• Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

• Better living through denial.

• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

• Do they ever shut up on your planet?

• I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

• Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

• Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

• Back off! You're standing in my aura.

• I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

• Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

• How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

• I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

• I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

• You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

• Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

• Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF*ck you!

• Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

• Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

• Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

• Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.

• A woman's favorite position is CEO.

• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

• You look like shit. Is that the style now?

• This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!

• Earth is full. Go home.

• Is it time for your medication or mine?

• Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

• Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

• I plead contemporary insanity.

• I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

• How do I set a laser printer to stun?

• It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

• I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

[Mindthinkr]

[Mindthinkr]

[RealityCheck]

DEFINITIONS

• TRAFFIC LIGHT. Apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

• TELEVISION. Movies where people don't step on your feet.

• MOVIES. Television where people don't interrupt with unexpected visits.

• TRANSIT COMPANY. Group that complains of bad business when all passengers get a seat.

• BACHELOR OF SCIENCE. One who has mastered the science of remaining a bachelor.

• PIONEER. Early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

• PEOPLE. Some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

• LOVE. Unseen when it comes, but visible when it goes.

• SWIMMING POOL. A mob of people with water in it.

• SELF-CONTROL. The ability to eat only one peanut.

• CANNIBAL. Person who likes to see other people stewed.

• FOREIGN FILM. Any movie shown in Texas theatre that isn't a western.

• MAGAZINE. Bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue

[Sandman87]

Just a few of the definitions from Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary:

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.

Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

Magpie, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.

Phonograph, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.

Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.

Representative, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next.

Self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisement.

Telephone, n. An invention of the Devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

Truthful, adj. Dumb and illiterate.

Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

Edited January 12, 2018 by Sandman87

[DeLurker]

9 hours ago, Sandman87 said:

Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary:

If I could find that in a page-a-day calendar, I would buy it for Christmas.

[Sandman87]

14 hours ago, DeLurker said:

If I could find that in a page-a-day calendar, I would buy it for Christmas.

If you can't find a calendar, the entire book is public domain and available online.

[DeLurker]

Thank you!

[ratgirlagogo]

On 1/12/2018 at 0:43 AM, Sandman87 said:

Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary:

The one that always leaps first to my mind is this one:

ABORIGINES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

Written by a man who witnessed much of this genocide as it was happening in the West, esp. in California.  Of course Bierce is still widely read (bless Project Gutenberg and Dover Books!) but I think he's underappreciated.

Edited January 13, 2018 by ratgirlagogo

[RealityCheck]

MORE ONE-LINERS

• Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.

• If walking is so good for fitness, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??

• Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

• I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere.

• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps my kids in touch.

• When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

• If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

• In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

• Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.

• I just don't understand women. Why don't they come with a instruction manual?

[Mindthinkr]

[Moose135]

On 1/14/2018 at 5:32 PM, RealityCheck said:

I just don't understand women. Why don't they come with a instruction manual?

We don't need no stinkin' manual...

[RealityCheck]

SURGEONS

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

• The first surgeon said. "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

• The second surgeon said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

• The third surgeon said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spinless, gutless, and their heads and tails are interchangeable."

• The fourth surgeon says, " I like to operate on electricians, You open them up and everything inside is colored coded."

• The fifth surgeon says, "I like engineers, "They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

Edited January 28, 2018 by RealityCheck

[Petunia13]

[RealityCheck]

NO WONDER I'M TIRED!

There are 240 million people in America.
One hundred million are over 65.
Ninety million are under 21.
This leaves 50 million people to do the work.
But 18 million are in the armed forces.
This leaves 32 million to do the work.
But 6 million are on welfare.
This leaves 26 million to do the work.
But 15 million work for the government.
This leaves 11 million to do the work.
But 10 million are in school.
This leaves 1 million to do the work.
But 750,000 are sick or disabled.
This leaves 250,000 to do the work.
But last week 249,998 people were in jail.
This leaves 2 people to do the work.
And since you don't do much,
No wonder I'm tired.

[Mindthinkr]

@RealityCheck

That was a very thought provoking post for me. It was actually what was going through my mind when I woke up today. It also gave me pause about how many are paying taxes and therefore carrying the burden of supporting all of the people, the military, paying for natural disasters and fixing our infrastructure. 

Just mind boggling! 

[Qoass]

My local public radio host seems to be in a silly mood today. An hour ago he noted that Teller (of Penn and Teller) was celebrating a birthday today by pointing out he was the rare person who looked like both Simon and Garfunkel.  Just now he related that a television repairman got married today, Valentine's Day, and while the ceremony was nothing special, the reception was excellent.

[walnutqueen]

Saw this on another forum & thought it was too funny not to share :

On 2/11/2018 at 5:21 AM, SuprSuprElevated said:

[Mindthinkr]

This little ditty is courtesy of J. Michael Straczynski’s Twitter (couldn’t post link so wrote it out for you. He’s a writer famously known for the Babylon series and Sense8)

Twinkle Twinkle little cat

On the bed trying to nap

Grab the air horn give two beeps

Now I have to wash my sheets 

Me: (I know it’s awful but it did make me laugh) 

[ratgirlagogo]

On 2/15/2018 at 1:45 PM, Mindthinkr said:

Twinkle Twinkle little cat

On the bed trying to nap

Grab the air horn give two beeps

Now I have to wash my sheets 

I just HOPE he had to wash his sheets because the poor  cat leaped up and clawed his face! 

[Petunia13]

I'll grab my ?

[Mindthinkr]

[walnutqueen]

19 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

I should've engaged my polydactyl cat BEFORE my plumbing problems escalated.

[RealityCheck]

WORK

• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

• God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die.

• First rule of acting: Whatever happens, look as if it were intended.

• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

• Of course I don't look busy.....I did it right the first time!

• Nobody notices what I do, until I don't do it.

• Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all!

• I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

• I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

• Inasmuch as the earth is 2/3 water and 1/3 land, it is clear that our time should be divided. 2/3 fishing and 1/3 work.

• Quote from the Boss: I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

• There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.

• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

• A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

• Oh me oh my. A lovely day is dawning. Oh what a joy I didn't wake up dead. So I can go to school and resume my yawning. And get my sleeping in class instead of in my bed.

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

• The Romans didn't find algebra very challenging, because X was always 10.

• No matter how many years pass teachers will always use the word obviously, without ever knowing what it means.

• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

• Sorry - yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.

• Sorry I'm late, I'll leave early to make up for it.

• There ought to be a better way to start the day than by getting up in the morning.

• Work fascinates me, I can look at it for hours!

[backformore]

I saw this dumb joke on twitter and it made me laugh like an idiot: 

 

         me: waiter this soup is cold

         waiter: it’s Gazpacho

         me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

Edited February 27, 2018 by backformore

[SuprSuprElevated]

9 hours ago, backformore said:

I saw this dumb joke on twitter and it made me laugh like an idiot: 

 

                                           me: waiter this soup is cold

                                           waiter: it’s Gazpacho

                                            me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

I lol'd.  

[riley702]

[SuprSuprElevated]

I will preface this with a NSFDS warning. (Not safe for delicate sensibilities)  Lot of 'F' bombs - 

Edited March 2, 2018 by SuprSuprElevated

[SuprSuprElevated]

Those of you in the northeast can relate - 

[Sandman87]

That reminds me of something I saw tacked up on a cubicle wall the last time I visited our county government offices:

"Effective immediately all passwords must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin."

[RealityCheck]

THE SENILITY PRAYER

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.  Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

• My wild oats have turned into prunes and all bran.

• I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

• Funny, I don't remember being absent minded....

• All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.

• If all is not lost, where is it.

• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

• Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

• I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

• Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

• Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.

• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

• Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

• It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

• These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

[Sandman87]

Q: What kind of pizza do criminals like most?

A: Perparoni.

You can blame the cheap pizza that I got from the dollar store for that one.

 

On 3/4/2018 at 2:47 PM, RealityCheck said:

• Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

• Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.

And sometimes kids in the back seat have accidents.

[Moose135]

On 3/4/2018 at 5:47 PM, RealityCheck said:

Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.

Reminds me of this awesome Chrysler commercial:

 

[Mindthinkr]

[JTMacc99]

Reminds me of my days commuting to Hoboken and what the train looked like on St. Patrick's day. 6:25 AM, they were all so cute and sleepy in their green hats and necklaces. And then 4:50 PM pretty much just like that picture. 

[Mindthinkr]

What do you call leprechauns who collect cans, bottles and newspapers? 

Wee-cyclers. 

[Zola]

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

She kept having affairs with men!

[Sandman87]

That reminds me of a story Mom has about work. She swears that it really happened.. She and her coworkers were asking each other trivia questions one day, and she turned to a blonde coworker and asked her "What's the capital of Wyoming?"

The coworker thought about it for a moment, then replied "W!"