Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[AgentRXS]

11 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

You need to assume all interactions are platonic until shown otherwise.

This. Until both parties express interest in pursing things further, all interactions on a dating site are platonic.  Some people may not even be looking for a date---maybe they are just testing the waters to see whats out there or just looking for casual conversation.

I get your anxiousness, but you have to understand that it can make a woman feel very uneasy to sign in after a few days and see multiple messages from the same guy. The guy could be Mr. Dreamboat and I'd still block him because that behavior signals red flags everywhere.

[possibilities]

There's a book called "The Relationship Code" by John Gottman, which might help you in getting some guidelines for communication and reading signals. One concept he talks about is "bids"-- you make a bid for connection of some kind, and tailor your next move according to how the other person responds. This way you are actually relating to the person before you, and not to a script in your mind, whether it's fantasy or fear.

[aradia22]

Thank God for this thread. Hey, remember Mr. Slow and Easy? I kind of did but not really, which is why I had to dig back to page 38 of this thread. Yeah, the last time we went out was October 2018.

I was on vacation during December. While I was away, he sent me this message. My phone says it was sent around 10pm on December 11th but it could have been any time around that time because my phone was being crazy while I was out of the country. I didn't respond because I couldn't remember how I felt about him after our last date. 

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Hey, it's almost been a year, you came to mind today after a friend talked about traveling for teaching. How've you been?

 

[JTMacc99]

14 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I didn't respond because I couldn't remember how I felt about him after our last date. 

What are you going to do?  

[JTMacc99]

This is going to be a hard NO from me:

 

[aradia22]

I've barely been on okc but I check in periodically because they send me weird messages about how they're going to shut down my account from inactivity. Anyway... new first message. This is a bot, right?

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Good Morning , I hope you had a awesome and perfect nights dream, and your having a lovely morning so far , just here wondering if your personality is as beautiful as your photos , is it possible that we could get to know more about each other

I matched for seriously like a second with this cute ace guy (not the message above) with similar interests that I thought I might connect with. And then when I was about to send him a message, his profile was gone so maybe he unmatched. And I immediately was like... ugh. Why did I even log back into this app? XD

Yeah, I'm really not feeling it. I don't think I'll be messaging or going out with anyone until at least March. If I can't comfortably walk around outside just wearing a light jacket, it doesn't really seem worth it to go on random first dates. 

[theredhead77]

I went on a couple dates with this guy I matched with on Hinge. He was really nice and we had fun, thought there was a bit of a spark there but text communication dwindled and a lunch-brunch kept getting rescheduled because of work conflicts. The communication eventually ceased. I figure he isn't feeling it. No biggie.

Went on a date with this dude that I can only explain as having a really off vibe. He seemed nice enough through messages and at dinner but the vibe was off enough for me to detour elsewhere so he didn't have a reason to walk me to my car. I know I could have just unmatched and I never, ever give out my number prior to a first date but he didn't do anything 'wrong' so I sent him a thanks for dinner (I tried to pay for mine but he wouldn't let me) but I didn't feel a spark message. I was super surprised when he didn't turn into a jerk and just thanked me for letting him know and then I unmatched. 

I joined a couple social things for the spring, maybe I'll meet some new people and make some new friends through there.

[aradia22]

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Hey, you have such a pretty smile. What are you up to?

First message from... a 22-year-old? I feel like I'm being trolled. 

Am I ever going to be ready for actual dating again? I honestly don't know. 

[JTMacc99]

12 hours ago, aradia22 said:

First message from... a 22-year-old? I feel like I'm being trolled. 

Am I ever going to be ready for actual dating again? I honestly don't know. 

You will be. Until then, it's okay to work through our own issues, feel better about ourselves and what we want before putting in the effort dating requires. 

And it's almost kind of thoughtful for the 22 year-old to send you that note, as it'll reinforce what Homer here said:

 

[theredhead77]

Matched with a dude. Initial small talk reveals that he goes out of state every weekend to visit his son. Awesome, involved parent but I need someone who is available on weekends. So I basically said it doesn't sound like our schedules mesh, I need someone who has weekends open because I work long hours during the week. His response was he's not afraid to make time after work but it's up to me. Yea, no. It's not about time. It's about energy. And also if you're gone every weekend social event options are limited and it sounds like you have a secret family you're stepping out on while your away for work. 

[aradia22]

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Hello! Good to see you here. I'm {name redacted]. How is your day? I like your pictures. Here is a 🌹 for you. Would love to start a conversation with you.

Still not in the mood to talk to anyone but at least the fishing messages are on the sweet side.

[aradia22]

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If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard. Good morning [my name redacted, shortened to a nickname]

New first message. The nickname is a bit presumptuous but otherwise it's cute, right?

[theredhead77]

1 hour ago, aradia22 said:

New first message. The nickname is a bit presumptuous but otherwise it's cute, right?

Not to me. That seems creepy and I'd immediately swipe left of unmatch, or whatever. But I have a high aversion to fishing messages and to ones that imply physical contact off the bat.

[aradia22]

@theredhead77 We didn't match. The rest of his profile was odd so I swiped left. But for a first salvo I thought it was innocuous and mildly clever. Maybe I just have very low expectations at this point.

[Bastet]

4 hours ago, aradia22 said:

The nickname is a bit presumptuous but otherwise it's cute, right?

If cute now means lame and creepy, sure.

[emma675]

I didn't find it cute, I found it overly personal for a first message and a little creepy. Who gives someone they've never met a nickname?

[theredhead77]

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If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.

 

So I've been trying to put into words why messages like this get an immediate NO. Someone in the Weinstein thread said something about maybe this verdict & sentencing will make more men see they aren't entitled to women's bodies which helped me form my thoughts.

Messages like this are full of subtext that the man is entitled to kiss a woman regardless of her thoughts on the subject. There are a million other ways to start a message that don't imply real or virtual contact, aren't familiar or commenting on looks. "Good morning beautiful", "Hey there sexy", "you have a beautiful smile" are all hard NOs for me too. Comment on an activity or something I posted. Same goes for fishing messages. There are so many more ways then "hello, how are you" or some other generic message to jump start a conversation.

Of course this is probably why I've had 2 dates in years. .I'll just be over here with my cats for the rest of my life.

[aradia22]

So I've been having conversations which I haven't done for a while. One just died. It was brief, with a weird guy who initiated conversation and then kept messaging even though he was convinced we were incompatible despite being like a 93% match. His language was oddly formal to the point of almost being grammatically incorrect. Anyway, after a few messages, he decided we were truly incompatible and wished me luck. It was a baffling interaction. It felt like I was talking to a robot. 

Having a relatively normal getting to know you conversation with another guy.

And there are the typical mind-numbing small talk conversations that end up being kind of one-sided because the other side is all "good morning," "how are you," "how was your day," etc. I'm letting those die if none of them make more of an effort. I have no patience for that anymore. 

Once again, I'm starting to come to the conclusion that I might have to send the first message to my matches to have any chance of one of these matches going somewhere. Which I'm... not really excited about.

[theredhead77]

14 hours ago, aradia22 said:

It felt like I was talking to a robot. 

You could have been. AI bots are all over dating sites and they have a variety of 'intelligence'.
 

14 hours ago, aradia22 said:

And there are the typical mind-numbing small talk conversations that end up being kind of one-sided because the other side is all "good morning," "how are you," "how was your day," etc.

 Also could be a bot.

14 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Once again, I'm starting to come to the conclusion that I might have to send the first message to my matches to have any chance of one of these matches going somewhere. Which I'm... not really excited about.

What's wrong with sending the first message? It's 2020, not 1920. 

[aradia22]

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What's wrong with sending the first message? It's 2020, not 1920. 

I don't know who looks forward to putting in all that effort for the accompanying rejection regardless of what year it is. 

[theredhead77]

28 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

I don't know who looks forward to putting in all that effort for the accompanying rejection regardless of what year it is. 

The men who message women first are already putting in all that effort for the accompanying rejection. 

[aradia22]

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The men who message women first are already putting in all that effort for the accompanying rejection. 

Are they? I get a lot of "hi's" and generic fishing messages. Whereas when I do commit to it, I read profiles and write unique first messages.

[possibilities]

Maybe meeting people in person like by going to a meet up of some sort, would be easier? That way, even if you don't meet anyone, all the interactions are real and everyone is on an even footing with respect to carrying the conversation and putting themselves out there. And if you choose one based on an interest (rather than just "for singles" in a generic way), at least there's something to talk about for sure.

[aradia22]

@possibilities I was actually looking up some meetup groups for board games and trivia and book clubs... and then social distancing became a necessity. I haven't given up on that but it's not something I can do right now. I think I was hoping that the chances of having a genuine conversation would go up with most people being trapped at home.                        

[Lantern7]

I haven't seriously thought about dating in a while. The whole "pandemic" thing really puts a damper on potential relationships.

[possibilities]

Yes, I agree: not a good time to date or go to meet ups during the pandemic.

For conversation, maybe people will get more chatty once they've been isolated for longer, though I tend to think that people who send generic messages and don't engage much are looking for a hook up, not a relationship, and aren't likely to suddenly get more invested, anyway.

There ought to be a platform for people who ARE looking for more conversation and who put more effort into their messages. Someone should start one, if it doesn't exist.

I remember back in the day, we had "pen pals". That sounds so antiquated now, when the norm is a tweet or a text, and detailed in depth conversation is somehow not expected.

Edited March 15, 2020 by possibilities

[JTMacc99]

On 3/14/2020 at 4:51 PM, aradia22 said:

Are they? I get a lot of "hi's" and generic fishing messages. Whereas when I do commit to it, I read profiles and write unique first messages.

Some of us do. (Or did, in my case.)

Doesn’t really matter how much effort I put into the first message or my profile most of the time. 
 

If my pictures don’t interest her; if at 5’10” I’m too short; if my profile didn’t appeal to her sense of humor (and if that’s the case, I don’t want to talk to her anyway), if she’s allergic to pets or kids, or literally any reason at all that is important to her, I will get no response. 
 

That, is the nature of this method of finding someone to date. TBH, I do think that maybe the guys who just send out a million “Hi” messages are on to something. 

[aradia22]

New first message

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Is it the camera or are your eyes always so alluringly brilliant?

That's a new one. Better than "hey beautiful."

[emma675]

I don't know aradia22, it's another first message about a physical characteristic. Why can't guys ever comment on something written in your profile, why does it always have to be about our bodies first?

[Annber03]

And why cheesy-sounding pickup lines at all? It'd be one thing, even, if a guy said something like that in a clearly joking manner as a means to lighten the mood and break the ice, but a lot of guys say this stuff seriously and it's so ridiculous. What's so hard about just saying, "Hi! I'm so-and-so, what's your name?"

[possibilities]

I have to assume it works, at least sometimes, or else they'd stop? But I can't imagine it working. It's like so much insane-seeming spam. Who falls for this crap? Someone must? But I've never met the person who did.

[RealHousewife]

On 3/15/2020 at 2:16 AM, Lantern7 said:

I haven't seriously thought about dating in a while. The whole "pandemic" thing really puts a damper on potential relationships.

Yup. It’s a hard time for single people. Lonely and can’t go out. Those already in relationships won’t mind this time as much. 

[aradia22]

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Howdy. I'm in my room drinking a beer and re listening to a political podcast from two weeks ago. And what exciting things are you up to this fine evening?

New first message. Curious to hear what people think...

[Lantern7]

I haven't been looking. I'm thinking the most I could hope for right now would be an online relationship until things "get better."

[theredhead77]

7 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

I haven't been looking. I'm thinking the most I could hope for right now would be an online relationship until things "get better."

Stick with the not looking. Online relationships are not relationships. At best they're a long-term pen-pal. At worse they are a catfish with awful consequences.

Online friendships are completely different and an online friendship should never be expected to turn into a relationship beyond friendship.

Edited March 28, 2020 by theredhead77

[RealHousewife]

On 3/27/2020 at 11:29 PM, aradia22 said:

New first message. Curious to hear what people think...

Sounds like he's making casual conversation?

I've never dated anyone online dating or used an app. While I have never judged those who do it, I've always said it wasn't for me. To be honest I don't know if I'm even in a good place to date someone even if I could leave the house. I'm so lonely though. It would be nice just to have a guy to talk to. If this quarantine goes on and on, I may have to shock everyone who knows me and get on Tinder or something. 

[Brookside]

On 3/14/2020 at 3:51 PM, aradia22 said:

@possibilities I was actually looking up some meetup groups for board games and trivia and book clubs... and then social distancing became a necessity. I haven't given up on that but it's not something I can do right now. I think I was hoping that the chances of having a genuine conversation would go up with most people being trapped at home.                        

My local NextDoor community has a few groups for games varying from Scrabble, to cards, to Dungeons and Dragons.   I was about to go to my first gathering when coronavirus struck!  I was interested for companionship, not to find a romantic partner, and I'm still looking forward to trying it out when the madness is over.

On 3/15/2020 at 12:59 AM, possibilities said:

Yes, I agree: not a good time to date or go to meet ups during the pandemic.

For conversation, maybe people will get more chatty once they've been isolated for longer, though I tend to think that people who send generic messages and don't engage much are looking for a hook up, not a relationship, and aren't likely to suddenly get more invested, anyway.

There ought to be a platform for people who ARE looking for more conversation and who put more effort into their messages. Someone should start one, if it doesn't exist.

I remember back in the day, we had "pen pals". That sounds so antiquated now, when the norm is a tweet or a text, and detailed in depth conversation is somehow not expected.

One of my coronavirus resolutions is try to bring back the lost art of letter writing.

[ratgirlagogo]

4 hours ago, Brookside said:

One of my coronavirus resolutions is try to bring back the lost art of letter writing.

In the earliest days of the world wide web, it was widely extolled for bringing back the lost art of letter writing, and of written communication generally ( as opposed to  the oral communication one did on a phone, or a phone machine - this is back when phones were for phone calls and not texts).  

Edited April 1, 2020 by ratgirlagogo

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 3/31/2020 at 8:49 PM, Brookside said:

One of my coronavirus resolutions is try to bring back the lost art of letter writing.

I never stopped writing letters, and all I have to say is be prepared for a one-way street. 

 

On 3/10/2020 at 1:37 PM, emma675 said:

I didn't find it cute, I found it overly personal for a first message and a little creepy. Who gives someone they've never met a nickname?

I don't know what nickname @aradia22 is referring to, but there are names out there that people shorten to nicknames almost automatically, whether they know the person or not.  Like Barbara is Barb, Debbie is Deb.  I have a name like that and I have never used the shortened version, but lots of people who are referring to me do.  I've decided to find it amusing.

[emma675]

5 hours ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

I don't know what nickname @aradia22 is referring to, but there are names out there that people shorten to nicknames almost automatically, whether they know the person or not.  Like Barbara is Barb, Debbie is Deb.  I have a name like that and I have never used the shortened version, but lots of people who are referring to me do.  I've decided to find it amusing.

Sorry, but if we've never even met, don't give me a nickname. That is a level of familiarity that I'm not comfortable with from a person on a dating site or in real life.

[aradia22]

So since the quarantine was declared, I have had 3 big interactions.

The Photographer: I'm the least enthusiastic about this one. We connected briefly on Elizabeth Warren. But there was no spark before that or since. He just doesn't speak that passionately or eloquently about most things. Which might be fine in person but doesn't work that well when your main form of communication is words. I don't want to write him off because I feel like that smart, interesting guy has to still be in there but I haven't seen him since we talked politics. Most of our conversations are mind-numbing small talk.

The Musician: Physically he's not really my type. But I haven't had to worry about that because quarantine means everyone is just a pen pal. He's very cultured. We can talk about opera and books. Our chat the other night wasn't as stimulating but I think we were both just distracted. We tried to chat in real time while doing other things. I feel like because we're unable to meet in person I'm in danger of mentally friend-zoning him. 

The Conversationalist: Physically he's not really my type either. The Musician is heavy-set. I can't totally tell from his pictures, but The Conversationalist seems very thin. What I like about him is we're on the same wavelength as talkers. We can bounce from topic to topic and we both always have something to say. I don't know if there's a deep connection but I'm enjoying talking to him so far. 

I'm also talking to some other guys but we've exchanged fewer messages than I have with these three. 

[possibilities]

I wonder when it will be safe again to meet anyone in person.

[RealHousewife]

7 minutes ago, possibilities said:

I wonder when it will be safe again to meet anyone in person.

Me too. There's something about seeing someone in person, listening to their voice, feeling their energy. I know there are folks who portray themselves as something they're not on their profiles, and then I know there are guys who I'd find totally cute and charming in person, but I'd probably swipe no or whatever if all I have is a picture that may not even do them justice.

@aradia22 Sounds like you're not particularly into any of those guys, but enjoy the conversationalist until you find someone who's a better match for you. :)

Is there a specific dating app you all recommend? I'm still leery, but if I can find one that's not too much work, I might bite the bullet just to help with my loneliness and boredom. 

[aradia22]

3 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

There's something about seeing someone in person, listening to their voice, feeling their energy.

Absolutely. Physical attraction is not just looks but also voice and demeanor and how someone carries themselves. I've gone on dates where I thought someone was cute in photos and was turned off in person even though they didn't look that different. And I've definitely grown more physically attracted to someone because I was drawn to him for his personality, though that tended to happen more when I was in school and around the same guys all the time.

Also, talking to someone in person, you have to maintain a rapport. You can't just flit off in the middle of a conversation. Sometimes talking in person, you realize you don't connect as easily. There's also the fact that some guys are bad at putting the moves on someone in all manner of ways (many of which I've detailed in this forum). That's not something that comes across online if they haven't gotten fresh or flirty in messages.

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Is there a specific dating app you all recommend? I'm still leery, but if I can find one that's not too much work, I might bite the bullet just to help with my loneliness and boredom. 

I'm still on okcupid because I'm wary of Tinder as a hookup app. I should add to my profile though. I deleted a section and never ended up rewriting it. Bumble and hinge are supposed to be better for women but I've never been motivated to try them out. I don't get a ton of messages anyway so I don't really see the incentive unless the dating pool is different.

[RealHousewife]

12 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Absolutely. Physical attraction is not just looks but also voice and demeanor and how someone carries themselves. I've gone on dates where I thought someone was cute in photos and was turned off in person even though they didn't look that different. And I've definitely grown more physically attracted to someone because I was drawn to him for his personality, though that tended to happen more when I was in school and around the same guys all the time.

Also, talking to someone in person, you have to maintain a rapport. You can't just flit off in the middle of a conversation. Sometimes talking in person, you realize you don't connect as easily. There's also the fact that some guys are bad at putting the moves on someone in all manner of ways (many of which I've detailed in this forum). That's not something that comes across online if they haven't gotten fresh or flirty in messages.

I'm still on okcupid because I'm wary of Tinder as a hookup app. I should add to my profile though. I deleted a section and never ended up rewriting it. Bumble and hinge are supposed to be better for women but I've never been motivated to try them out. I don't get a ton of messages anyway so I don't really see the incentive unless the dating pool is different.

Yes, that's my fear! I don't enjoy dating. I'm an anxious person. I am also a vegetarian which makes dates a little tricker. I want to make sure someone is worth the stress before going out and vice versa. Since I'm picky and somewhat difficult, I don't want to waste a guy's time and money.  

I'm the same way! If I'm around someone for a long time and enjoy his personality, the looks really don't have to be special. I'm out of school and don't work with any single men near my age. It's been awhile where a not so handsome guy has grown on me. 

I've heard of Tinder as the hookup app too. I always thought if I were to get on one of the apps, that it would be Tinder just because it's free and it has more people than any of the other apps to my knowledge. I've also heard it has more attractive people on it. I'm not a hookup type of girl either. I don't think I'd get on Bumble even though I've heard there are higher quality men on there, just because I'm shy and not the type to make the first move. Do OKCupid and Hinge work the same as Tinder? Just classier?

Thank you for all the info!

[aradia22]

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I like how the color blue looks on you. It looks well on you

New first message. 

I'm going to die alone. jk But really, I need to work up the energy to write to some of my better matches.

[aradia22]

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Yes, that's my fear! I don't enjoy dating. I'm an anxious person. I am also a vegetarian which makes dates a little tricker. I want to make sure someone is worth the stress before going out and vice versa. Since I'm picky and somewhat difficult, I don't want to waste a guy's time and money.  

I have become mildly agoraphobic in the last few years (I wasn't when I started these online dating adventures) so I definitely get what you mean about making sure someone is worth the stress of putting on makeup and leaving the house and showing up somewhere on time. I'm also reluctant to waste someone else's time and money which is why I rarely go past a third date if I'm not feeling it. 

If you do feel like getting out there, my suggestion is to just know what restaurant you want to go to. In my experience, guys are terrible at picking date options. Know what you want to do, know where you want to eat... especially if you have dietary restrictions. It makes things so much easier unless you enjoy going way out of your way just to have a coffee date.

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I always thought if I were to get on one of the apps, that it would be Tinder just because it's free and it has more people than any of the other apps to my knowledge.

To my knowledge, most dating apps are free to join and use but ask you to pay for a certain level of membership or additional perks. The features change from app to app. My understanding is that most apps have adopted a Tinder style swipe feature but there are variations to each site. okcupid supposedly provides better matches because you answer all these questions. (Of course that doesn't work when some guys don't answer very many questions.) Some use your facebook to find people you're connected to. Some apps have women messaging first or other features to try and improve user experience. Then there are all the apps that get really specific like apps based on religion or ethnicity, college/celebrity/income, and specific interests. 

I used to listen to Nicole Byer's dating podcast where she discusses using a lot of different apps but, after a bunch of episodes, I found it too depressing to continue.

[RealHousewife]

6 hours ago, aradia22 said:

New first message. 

I'm going to die alone. jk But really, I need to work up the energy to write to some of my better matches.

LOL he sure is a smooth talker, huh?

6 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I have become mildly agoraphobic in the last few years (I wasn't when I started these online dating adventures) so I definitely get what you mean about making sure someone is worth the stress of putting on makeup and leaving the house and showing up somewhere on time. I'm also reluctant to waste someone else's time and money which is why I rarely go past a third date if I'm not feeling it. 

If you do feel like getting out there, my suggestion is to just know what restaurant you want to go to. In my experience, guys are terrible at picking date options. Know what you want to do, know where you want to eat... especially if you have dietary restrictions. It makes things so much easier unless you enjoy going way out of your way just to have a coffee date.

To my knowledge, most dating apps are free to join and use but ask you to pay for a certain level of membership or additional perks. The features change from app to app. My understanding is that most apps have adopted a Tinder style swipe feature but there are variations to each site. okcupid supposedly provides better matches because you answer all these questions. (Of course that doesn't work when some guys don't answer very many questions.) Some use your facebook to find people you're connected to. Some apps have women messaging first or other features to try and improve user experience. Then there are all the apps that get really specific like apps based on religion or ethnicity, college/celebrity/income, and specific interests. 

I used to listen to Nicole Byer's dating podcast where she discusses using a lot of different apps but, after a bunch of episodes, I found it too depressing to continue.

I don't mind getting done up and leaving the house. I'm girlie and actually love being dolled up. I just have anxiety when it comes to men and dating. I mentioned vegetarian, because it's hard to meet a fellow vegetarian. The guys I've dated like to eat meat, and that's fine. I don't force my beliefs on anyone. However I get nervous about things like the vegetarian food on the menu being messy to eat or that it will give me bad breath. I know it sounds silly, but when you don't date much, every little thing causes anxiety. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be ladylike and attractive. I envy girls who can dig in to really messy food and just enjoy the guy's company. It takes me time to feel comfortable shamelessly chowing down in front of a man. My fave dates have been when I've gone out to events. 

Thanks! Some dating experts say the man should lead, but I agree in my experience they aren't great at selecting restaurants. Sometimes they mean well, but the prissy restaurants aren't necessarily where I like to eat. 

There are pros and cons to coffee dates. The pro is you don't waste each other's time if you kind of immediately know there will be no second date. However, one of my top turn-offs is stinginess, and you can't really see generosity in a coffee date. 

I haven't heard of Nicole Byer, but I might try looking her up. I've normally met men through my hobbies, so my knowledge of apps is limited. It does sound appealing to a shy girl, especially during quarantine. 

Edited April 4, 2020 by RealHousewife

[aradia22]

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I mentioned vegetarian, because it's hard to meet a fellow vegetarian. The guys I've dated like to eat meat, and that's fine. I don't force my beliefs on anyone. However I get nervous about things like the vegetarian food on the menu being messy to eat or that it will give me bad breath. 

I felt this way when I first started meeting people online and everyone wanted to go "get drinks." I don't drink alcohol. Over time I just got more confident asserting myself and saying what I wanted to do on a date without feeling bad about it. Also, I'm totally the kind of person who will look up a venue on yelp to scope out the menu and see if it looks loud, dark, etc. and if it's somewhere I'd actually want to meet someone for a date. For me, I also want to be fully prepared to pay for a meal so I don't want to go anywhere that's out of my budget. 

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However, one of my top turn-offs is stinginess, and you can't really see generosity in a coffee date. 

I don't want to make you dig back in this thread but I had a guy once suggest we go for a walk in the park... and drink water. This was not a nature walk or a hike. He just put together the cheapest possible activity with the cheapest possible beverage. I did not go on a date with him.

I can think of plenty of cheap, or even free date ideas. To me, a proposed date says a lot about what the other person is willing to invest and whether they see the interaction going anywhere. 

[RealHousewife]

5 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

I felt this way when I first started meeting people online and everyone wanted to go "get drinks." I don't drink alcohol. Over time I just got more confident asserting myself and saying what I wanted to do on a date without feeling bad about it. Also, I'm totally the kind of person who will look up a venue on yelp to scope out the menu and see if it looks loud, dark, etc. and if it's somewhere I'd actually want to meet someone for a date. For me, I also want to be fully prepared to pay for a meal so I don't want to go anywhere that's out of my budget. 

I don't want to make you dig back in this thread but I had a guy once suggest we go for a walk in the park... and drink water. This was not a nature walk or a hike. He just put together the cheapest possible activity with the cheapest possible beverage. I did not go on a date with him.

I can think of plenty of cheap, or even free date ideas. To me, a proposed date says a lot about what the other person is willing to invest and whether they see the interaction going anywhere. 

Ohh that's another thing, I don't drink either! And I love yelp. Although I like men to pay on a first date, I believe women should offer and be prepared to pay. I try harder to pay when I know I don't want to see the guy again. 

Eek! It's experiences like that, that also make me nervous dating. What's wrong with these guys? 

Exactly! I've been asked out to dances, which cost little to nothing. It's a great date idea if you're comfortable dancing. Even though I'm shy, I love dancing as long as I'm in a comfortable atmosphere. There are a lot of fun things to do that aren't expensive. I'm not even particularly artsy, but I enjoy going to museums. Theatre can also be pretty cheap if you go to smaller, local shows. Sometimes there are even free concerts out there. You don't need to be a baller to make your date feel special.