Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[Moose135]

I've had an account there for a few months, mostly looking at first, but you can read full profiles, see photos, and send messages back and forth all with a free account.  The paid account gives you added features in your box (additional message space - but the free account allows 300 messages, ) allows additional filtering in your searches, lets you see who gives you a "like" (although half the profiles say "I have a free account and can't see "likes" so send a message), and a few other things.  I've corresponded with half a dozen women, and have had a couple of dates with one in the past few weeks.  Give the free account a try for a while and see how it goes.

Edited February 24, 2017 by Moose135

[roseslg]

@Moose135, it may have changed drastically when I was on OKC, but I never paid.  I would say give the free account a try before shelling out money.   I met my husband without paying $$

[JTMacc99]

15 hours ago, ari333 said:

UNDATABLE!!!

Then how are all these people getting together?

Alcohol.

Heh. 

[emma675]

Hee, I may need alcohol to get back in the dating game.

I've never done online dating before but I'm thinking of giving it a go. It's been so, so long since I was in a relationship or even had a date (and what's funny is that I didn't even care until lately; I find myself thinking it would be nice to have a man to share things with or do things with lately, which clued me into the fact that I'm ready to date again, lol). Now that I'm older and most of my friends are married or in committed relationships, I don't really know how to meet guys anymore. Plus, I'm 40 and I'm not into the bar scene, so I'm at a loss. Any recommendations on a good site to start with?

Edited February 25, 2017 by emma675d

[aradia22]

I like okc. I think you get the widest pool of people (at least compared to Tinder but I don't like Tinder because I think you open yourself up to that site's hookup reputation even though plenty of people just use it for regular dating). Match.com might also be good but I've never tried it. Past that, specialized sites are good but of course they limit the number of people you're choosing from. I would give okc a shot first... It's free! And then after a few interactions (messages, maybe dates) when you feel more comfortable, I would try expanding the search to more specialized sites. A popular thing now is sites where women have more control... bumble, that sort of thing. I liked the concept of howaboutwe where you suggest dates but the dating pool was limited and the site had issues. 

[JTMacc99]

I think Bumble is a nicer version of Tinder. There seems to be some sort of logic to the people they show me whereas Tinder is just "here's everyone, have fun!"

[aradia22]

I'm having a weird night. I'm trying to stick to my guns and say, you know, if I don't see a future with someone, I'm not going to reach out and use them to make myself better. But I'm also like... I feel lonely and I'm craving physical intimacy in particular and I just want a relatively attractive boy (I don't mean a model, I mean attractive to me) who's probably not horrible (misogynist, racist, etc.) who knows how to kiss and will make out with me for like half an hour. So... yeah. It's one of those nights. 

[Lantern7]

Who doesn't want that? It's been too long since I've had that. Can a guy admit that?

[theredhead77]

On 2/23/2017 at 10:03 PM, Lantern7 said:

Finally got around to looking up OKCupid. I can do one month for $19.95, three for $14.95 per, and six for $9.95. As much as I want to "get out there" and meet people (re: women), I don't know if I want to spend close to $60, especially in the event I meet and keep somebody right away.

Don't pay, it's not worth it. You can do everything for free. And honestly, there's a slim chance you'll meet someone right away.  I get offers for $9.95 months all the time and I've never paid.

[SeriousPurrs]

10 hours ago, emma675 said:

Hee, I may need alcohol to get back in the dating game.

I've never done online dating before but I'm thinking of giving it a go. It's been so, so long since I was in a relationship or even had a date (and what's funny is that I didn't even care until lately; I find myself thinking it would be nice to have a man to share things with or do things with lately, which clued me into the fact that I'm ready to date again, lol). Now that I'm older and most of my friends are married or in committed relationships, I don't really know how to meet guys anymore. Plus, I'm 40 and I'm not into the bar scene, so I'm at a loss. Any recommendations on a good site to start with?

 

On 1/6/2017 at 4:55 PM, Lantern7 said:

Looking to "get back in the game." This time, I mean it. I was on Match ages ago, and I'm not looking to come back. I have an OKCupid account, but I think there would be more options if I pay for it. Or if you're a single woman in the NYC/NJ area with a weakness for neurotic guys, then please PM me.

Am I the only one hoping these two live in the same area?

(I lurk this topic every so often--hoping to see some happy love connections.)

Edited February 25, 2017 by SeriousPurrs
Just because I gave up--still want to believe

[JTMacc99]

2 hours ago, SeriousPurrs said:

(I lurk this topic every so often--hoping to see some happy love connections.)

We're trying!

[emma675]

Aw, sorry, I'm in TX. But I love NYC and try to go at least once a year!

Okay, I'm signing up for Ok Cupid, but I'm having trouble with a user name. Every single combo I enter comes back as "invalid". Is there some kind of trick?

Dating is hard, y'all.

[aradia22]

I wanted to kind of use my real name instead of thinking up something weird like MagentaSpicyFlannel (for some reason that's the connection I have on my kindle). And I wanted to reflect my literary sensibilities. So for example, if my name were Mary Sue, I would use the name Mary Wollstonecraft or Mary Shelley. Substitute as you see fit with notable figures real or historical. I think that's a good way to connect with people quickly. 

[KnoxForPres]

On 2/25/2017 at 3:02 PM, emma675 said:

Aw, sorry, I'm in TX. But I love NYC and try to go at least once a year!

Okay, I'm signing up for Ok Cupid, but I'm having trouble with a user name. Every single combo I enter comes back as "invalid". Is there some kind of trick?

Dating is hard, y'all.

What about emmabeabadassyo?

I kid!  Yay for you giving it a go! I would imagine Texas to be a good pool of men on a site and I wish you luck. 

And I know this is an online forum but I would also encourage you to tell your friends you're ready to look. Sometimes just saying those words invoke "you know, I work with this guy Jack"....  We are caught up in our lives enough we aren't natural matchmakers but putting that buzz out there often brings results!

[aradia22]

A slight boost in activity on okc. Nothing too promising from the actual guys but still, a notable phenomenon. It doesn't always work but I think posting new photos helps you get more interactions. I'm not sure if it's the site pushing your profile more after you do or just people noticing the new photo (instead of recognizing your profile for the same one they already saw) but for me it seems to be followed by at least a small bump in the number of messages I get. 

[JTMacc99]

On 2/28/2017 at 10:58 PM, aradia22 said:

It doesn't always work but I think posting new photos helps you get more interactions.

I think you are right, and I think it is related to people taking a second look. When I'm rifling through everybody the first time, I realize that I'm dismissing people for no good reason other than there are just too many choices.  Anything interesting pop up since you checked in on Tuesday night?

I need to go on another date. I can feel it somewhere rattling around in my brain. I moved a step forward in my home. I've got thoughts about another person itching me in a way I better not scratch. (So itchy!) I just want to go hang out and have a nice time with my smart, funny and interesting new friend and be me for a little while.  I'll report back if I can get something set up for this weekend.

ETA: Reporting back as promised. She has work (runs her own practice) to tackle over the weekend and a friend visiting Saturday night, but said if she "kicks ass on the projects on Saturday, she could probably get out!"

I believe I just gave her incentive to work hard (guilt, great) and told her I'm leaving Sunday open just in case. 

Edited March 2, 2017 by JTMacc99

[aradia22]

So this is not an ideal situation but it is what it is. I think I have two dates set up for Sunday and Monday. I'm not thrilled about the back to back thing. I also know relatively little about both guys beyond their profiles. We haven't exchanged very many messages but I'm just going to see what happens. They both seem attractive and they've both given me cause for concern but nothing major. Sunday wants to meet up in a hotel lounge area (not that weird if you know the Times Square area but still weird... I'd say it's like the equivalent of an airport lounge) but he's been a little flirty and I'm curious where this is going. Maybe he knows something I don't. Everyone I know thinks of it as the main public bathroom if you're around Times Square. Monday has been sending messages that are slightly off but nothing that really sends up red flags besides a pattern of sending a string of messages... but maybe that's enthusiasm. Again, it's hard to get a read on someone you've barely talked to but I'm going to make it a public place and try not to get murdered and just see what happens. 

[ari333]

18 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

So this is not an ideal situation but it is what it is. I think I have two dates set up for Sunday and Monday. I'm not thrilled about the back to back thing. I also know relatively little about both guys beyond their profiles. We haven't exchanged very many messages but I'm just going to see what happens. They both seem attractive and they've both given me cause for concern but nothing major. Sunday wants to meet up in a hotel lounge area (not that weird if you know the Times Square area but still weird... I'd say it's like the equivalent of an airport lounge) but he's been a little flirty and I'm curious where this is going. Maybe he knows something I don't. Everyone I know thinks of it as the main public bathroom if you're around Times Square. Monday has been sending messages that are slightly off but nothing that really sends up red flags besides a pattern of sending a string of messages... but maybe that's enthusiasm. Again, it's hard to get a read on someone you've barely talked to but I'm going to make it a public place and try not to get murdered and just see what happens. 

BBM (Bold By Me)

Holy crap, A22.I'm older-ish /old.

I WISH I had listened to my "not really red flags" LISTEN TO THEM.

What would happen if you suggested another place? (not the hotel?)

Here are your words that concern me, "this is not an ideal situation" (you already feel something off in your gut)  "they've both given me cause for concern" ... "wants to meet up in a hotel lounge area.... [/snip] but still weird." "Monday has been sending messages that are slightly off" (that means slightly off. WHY? there's a reason imo)

If it were me, I'd stay public as you have indicated, BUT I'd change the venue and see what response you get. When the dude/s give you an iffy feeling.... well... indulge me. If YOU choose the place then it is less likely  that the guy knows the bartender and something will end up in your drink.... even in public. Sorry I'm jaded.   

Edited March 3, 2017 by ari333

[possibilities]

I hate having to worry about stuff like this, but I like ari's advice.

[theredhead77]

I third the above posts. Never meet a strange man in a hotel lobby. 

[aradia22]

This is the place. https://www.yelp.com/biz/broadway-lounge-new-york

[aradia22]

Quote

I've never been with an Asian before it must be nice I guess‍♂️ but you your beautiful

Filtered messages haven't been nearly as amusing lately. But here's one. Gotta get in that your/you're homophone confusion.

[DeLurker]

I wouldn't necessarily be put out by meeting at a hotel bar - depends on where you live if these places are the norm.  I'd guess in NYC it would be.  I might take extra precautions with any drinks I have because that location does make it easy for someone to spike your drink and take you up to a handy dandy room.

[aradia22]

Yeah, I'm not too put out by the hotel bar. Apparently it has a nice view of Times Square. It's just in the gigantic Marriott. It's expensive (as you'd expect for the area) and yet not the fanciest place. I'm not quite sure how to dress. I'm thinking business casual. He wanted to go to a comedy show first but I thought we should do something where we'd be able to talk. 

[ebk57]

2 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Yeah, I'm not too put out by the hotel bar. Apparently it has a nice view of Times Square. It's just in the gigantic Marriott. It's expensive (as you'd expect for the area) and yet not the fanciest place. I'm not quite sure how to dress. I'm thinking business casual. He wanted to go to a comedy show first but I thought we should do something where we'd be able to talk. 

I've been there.  A nice view of Times Square was actually a nice view of giant electronic billboards (we were sitting in the middle of the main floor and that's all we could see).  And really, is there a nice view of Times Square?  ;-)

As for dress, there are folks of all stripes there, so don't dress for the venue, dress for the date.  Of course, be careful...but have a nice time!!

Edited March 4, 2017 by ebk57
too many time using "actually". I really to expand my vocabulary

[emma675]

I finally landed on a user name OKCupid agreed with, so I've been setting up my profile and weeding through the visitors and messages.

One thing that's bugging me is that I put my age range preference (late 30's-40's) and that I was looking for something long term (i.e., not looking for random hook ups) and yet I've got at least a dozen guys who say they are in their early 20's and their profile pics are either them flexing in a gym mirror or a shot of their abs that goes so low I can almost see their junk. My message box is also full of messages that are basically pick up lines you'd hear at a bar.

Maybe I'm doing this wrong, but I'm not a fan of online dating so far. Not a single guy has peaked my interest yet. I think I'm too picky!

[JTMacc99]

35 minutes ago, emma675 said:

Maybe I'm doing this wrong, but I'm not a fan of online dating so far. Not a single guy has peaked my interest yet. I think I'm too picky!

No, no, be as picky as you want to be. 

Are you saying none of the ones who reached out to you are interesting, or the entire population you can browse through doesn't interest you?

No date for me this weekend, just some friendly texting. We both had plumbing issues in our homes, so we bonded over that. Heh. Her busted water heater was the date killer as she couldn't finish her work projects until today. It'll probably be another couple weeks until our next window. ?

God knows what kind of poor decisions I'll make between now and then.  

Edited March 5, 2017 by JTMacc99

[emma675]

Quote

Are you saying none of the ones who reached out to you are interesting, or the entire population you can browse through doesn't interest you?

The ones who have reached out aren't interesting, I haven't yet had a chance to browse myself. I set up my profile, got caught up in work this week, didn't have a chance to look for a few days and came back to 100+ visits and messages. I've spent this morning trying to sort through them to see if I'm interested in any, but nothing so far. I keep hoping to find one picture or profile that just calls out to me, but I have to remind myself I'm not in a romantic comedy, lol!

[aradia22]

It just takes some time @emma675. There are some guys who just take random shots without reading profiles, etc. You can do a little bit of filtering of messages. Have you set that up?

[emma675]

aradia22, I haven't set that up yet (I'm still learning all of the bells and whistles). I've met a few people who had successful relationships and marriages that started with online dating, and they are all funny, smart, attractive people, so I'm hopeful I'll find one, lol!

[aradia22]

WELL, I SET A NEW RECORD TONIGHT. 15 minutes. That's how long the date lasted. If I wasn't trying to be nice, I would have fled immediately. 

The lounge wasn't the worst place to meet. Super unsexy (again picture an airport lounge or a cafeteria and you're not that far off). We didn't sit by the windows so I wasn't able to judge those views of Times Square. He picked it because he lives nearby. From the moment he hugged me hello, I felt like something was off. It wasn't a nice hug. I can't explain it, but it unnerved me. We shall call him The Russian. The Russian was 32, same age as The Soldier but not as attractive. And unlike The Soldier he'd clearly used younger photos on his dating profile/I'm not sure that he even looked that much like those photos. From the moment we sat down and he moved his chair closer to mine I was getting creeper vibes from him. It went beyond the typical "I don't feel chemistry/I'm not attracted to this person" feelings. He asked me if I'm Chinese which is not offensive exactly but he didn't seem to get it when I told him yes, I'm ethnically Chinese but I was born here. He used the pattern on my skirt as an excuse to touch my leg. I think he touched my leg two or three more times before the date was through. He hinted insults at America. He implied an insult at feminists. The last time he touched my leg was the last straw. I said I was tired and when he tried to lamely flirt and imply that maybe I'd warm up to him... I forget the exact wording but it was the opposite of sexy and quite repulsive... I more firmly clarified that I hoped he'd find what he was looking for and basically fled. So I got dolled up and went out into the cold for nothing but at least I got out of there sooner rather than later. 

I'm not so sure about tomorrow's date. He hasn't messaged me with a time and place yet and after tonight I'm not feeling so hot about spontaneity. I think exchanging a few more messages before committing to a date might be a little safer. 

[JTMacc99]

25 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

I think exchanging a few more messages before committing to a date might be a little safer. 

I think that sounds like a good call. 

[emma675]

Ugh, aradia22, that sounds awful. I'm glad you trusted your instincts and got out of there quickly. Scenarios like yours are why I'm so hesitant to pull the trigger fully on online dating.

[ari333]

15 hours ago, aradia22 said:

WELL, I SET A NEW RECORD TONIGHT. 15 minutes. That's how long the date lasted. If I wasn't trying to be nice, I would have fled immediately. 

The lounge wasn't the worst place to meet. Super unsexy (again picture an airport lounge or a cafeteria and you're not that far off). We didn't sit by the windows so I wasn't able to judge those views of Times Square. He picked it because he lives nearby. From the moment he hugged me hello, I felt like something was off. It wasn't a nice hug. I can't explain it, but it unnerved me. We shall call him The Russian. The Russian was 32, same age as The Soldier but not as attractive. And unlike The Soldier he'd clearly used younger photos on his dating profile/I'm not sure that he even looked that much like those photos. From the moment we sat down and he moved his chair closer to mine I was getting creeper vibes from him. It went beyond the typical "I don't feel chemistry/I'm not attracted to this person" feelings. He asked me if I'm Chinese which is not offensive exactly but he didn't seem to get it when I told him yes, I'm ethnically Chinese but I was born here. He used the pattern on my skirt as an excuse to touch my leg. I think he touched my leg two or three more times before the date was through. He hinted insults at America. He implied an insult at feminists. The last time he touched my leg was the last straw. I said I was tired and when he tried to lamely flirt and imply that maybe I'd warm up to him... I forget the exact wording but it was the opposite of sexy and quite repulsive... I more firmly clarified that I hoped he'd find what he was looking for and basically fled. So I got dolled up and went out into the cold for nothing but at least I got out of there sooner rather than later. 

I'm not so sure about tomorrow's date. He hasn't messaged me with a time and place yet and after tonight I'm not feeling so hot about spontaneity. I think exchanging a few more messages before committing to a date might be a little safer. 

That sounds horrible. Sorry that happened to you. You were generous imo to stay 15 minutes. . Good for you for fleeing.

I'm in a relationship now, but I did use Match back in the day around 8 years ago or so.ish. After some looked interesting, I  wanted to message or email back and forth and get a feel for the man/men. Most (some more than others) just wanted to jump to phone calls and dates right away. (read that as not interested in getting to know me first.) They asked for more photos which was kind of annoying in the way they did it. It felt like all they cared about was what I looked like.  I put two recent photos  and thought that was plenty for the time. 

I was 47 then. Some folks told me a looked a bit younger at the time, so there's that. Anyway, there's a funny, not haha, part. My neighbor said, "don't put your real age on there bc most men will think you're lying and shaving off 8 or 10 years off your age, so only older people will respond - thinking you're really 55 or 57." I was new to all of that stuff, but I went with my real age, but I saw her point.    

One dude seemed normal, age appropriate. We were going to dinner as a fist date and as a caution I drove  my car to the restaurant and he drove his. (FWIW, I later threw the men's age requirement in my head  out the window and glad I did.) Anyway, we went out to dinner at one of those Japanese places I love so much where they cook in front of you on a huge grill and you sit with 6 other strangers. Things were going fine. Then..... he started trying to  feed me with his fingers and touch me. I told him quietly to stop. He didn't. I got up (made sure I had my purse bc it was quite the dramatic exit unfortunately) and walked out, got in the car, looked back to see that  he wasn't following me, and went home.

If you tell a man ,"No" and they don't stop whatever it is, then you (anyone) are being manipulated. There is a book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. I recommend it to everyone I know. De Becker used an example. Let's say you're arms are full of groceries and going to your home door in an apt, (and he warns against ever having your arms full of anything.) but the example... a man ,stranger, comes by and offers to help you to your door. You say, "no." and he does not accept ,"NO" and keeps insisting and talking and approaching. Take that as huge red flag and get out of the situation however you can.(scream for a neighbor, whatever you need to do, but don't let him near your or your door.)

I wish everyone would read this book bc it helped me a lot. I got one for my mother and some other relatives. (I have no association with deBecker, if that matters.) It's just a good book with specific advice that I had not thought of. I read it years ago and it helped.     

I didn't mean to have all that in italics. IDK I cant change it for some reason.

Edited March 6, 2017 by ari333

[aradia22]

Thanks, everyone. I wouldn't say my experience last night was typical. Most interactions are perfectly fine with people I just don't have chemistry with  or that I'm not attracted to as pages of this board will attest to. But I do think it speaks to the importance of sticking firm to getting to know someone a little before a date and getting out of there when you're uncomfortable. You don't owe anyone your time and no one has the right to disrespect you.

Side note, this is not a criticism of you, @ari333 and I want to check out that book but there was something on the news that's had me a little on edge for a week or two. There's a robber going around targeting women, punching them and demanding money. Generally I can handle myself but I looked up a few self-defense videos on how to react to being grabbed from behind. I don't want to get into it, but I've had two interactions in the past month where a man on the street put his hands on me so I'm trying to learn to react more quickly. It bothers me though that the beginning of those self-defense videos always starts with being vigilant. There's no amount of vigilance to prepare you for when a stranger suddenly grabs you. Why does every video start with victim blaming? I mean, yeah, I'm more aware right now because I know the police didn't catch this guy yet but you can't live your whole life in a state of high alert and even if you do, it won't do much good. 

[ari333]

30 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

Thanks, everyone. I wouldn't say my experience last night was typical. Most interactions are perfectly fine with people I just don't have chemistry with  or that I'm not attracted to as pages of this board will attest to. But I do think it speaks to the importance of sticking firm to getting to know someone a little before a date and getting out of there when you're uncomfortable. You don't owe anyone your time and no one has the right to disrespect you.

Side note, this is not a criticism of you, @ari333 and I want to check out that book but there was something on the news that's had me a little on edge for a week or two. There's a robber going around targeting women, punching them and demanding money. Generally I can handle myself but I looked up a few self-defense videos on how to react to being grabbed from behind. I don't want to get into it, but I've had two interactions in the past month where a man on the street put his hands on me so I'm trying to learn to react more quickly. It bothers me though that the beginning of those self-defense videos always starts with being vigilant. There's no amount of vigilance to prepare you for when a stranger suddenly grabs you. Why does every video start with victim blaming? I mean, yeah, I'm more aware right now because I know the police didn't catch this guy yet but you can't live your whole life in a state of high alert and even if you do, it won't do much good. 

I didn't read any criticism into your post at all.

His book includes stories on what happened in various scenarios  and how people reacted that saved them (or could have.) It also has many red flags (and the whys)  that I hadn't considered.  

Being vigilant is, sadly,  just part of life. (imo) For example, I don't walk around with my face in my phone.

I agree there  isn't much you can do but react quickly when someone gets you from behind out of the blue. 

I don't want to derail the thread, so off to small talk/chit chat,. :-) I just mentioned my story and the book bc your date seemed handsy (and not in the good way) :-)

Edited March 6, 2017 by ari333

[ari333]

I hope your Monday date goes better, A22!

[Lantern7]

I am 112 questions into OKC's thing, and I am 99.1 percent complete. This is annoying to me, even if the benefits would be worth it.

[aradia22]

I will get into it more later... I'm pretty tired now but for now I'll let you know that I didn't get murdered. I'll think of a name for him later. My date was a little late for our dinner reservation. He had me a little worried because he was sending a bunch of flirty messages mostly about my appearance. But he was nice and normal in person. Very handsome, good job, seems smart. It was a little hard to hear him with the places we went so it wasn't easy to gauge chemistry but we had a friendly, comfortable interaction. I'm not giddy about the date... I've been giddy about a couple of dates in the past. Mr. Makeout was one but that may have been because he kept sucking the air out of my lungs and that might have just been lightheadedness. ;) But I am feeling pretty... satisfied about it. Like a cat that got the cream feeling. He's still sending me weird texts though which is dimming the feeling a little. But I definitely want to see him again and that's a good feeling after a lot of terribleness and second-guessing and anxiety. It's nice to feel like, yes, I like this person and I want to pursue this. 

[Lantern7]

I tapped out north of 200 questions. I have 99.6 percent, whatever that entails. And I can't seem to "answer" a woman's profile. All I can do is "like" it or send her a message. Still not willing to pay for better service at OKCupid, though.

ETA: Has anybody here used PlentyOfFish.com? I know it's free, but the setup looks bare-bones.

ETA2: For the heck of it, I looked up the last e-mail I got from OKC regarding profiles. I click a link to a lady in NJ . . . and it turns out she's in the Philippines. Also, she's transgender, which is a little complex for me.

[JTMacc99]

@Lantern7 PlentyOfFish is unlikely to get you more or better options than what you will get while you are also using OKC. 

[aradia22]

Quote

I tapped out north of 200 questions. I have 99.6 percent, whatever that entails. And I can't seem to "answer" a woman's profile. All I can do is "like" it or send her a message. Still not willing to pay for better service at OKCupid, though.

So okc has upwards of 1000, maybe somewhere below 5000 questions you could possibly answer. But I think the goal is to not answer everything but to answer the questions that you really feel say something about who you'd be compatible with. The percentage is a theoretical compatibility score you could have based on how you answered the questions. In the real world of okc your score is going to fluctuate based on what questions you answers and how you answered them and what questions your match answered and how she answered them. For example, if you answered 200 questions and she answered the same 200 questions and your score is upwards of 90%, you answered similarly or at least within each others acceptable answers, on those 200 questions. If, however, you have a high match or low match but she only answered 10 questions, obviously that's less meaningful.

I have no idea what you mean by "answering" a profile. Likes and messages are what you do on okc. I don't think you need to pay to get anything more out of the experience. 

[ZaldamoWilder]

On 2/14/2017 at 9:56 PM, ari333 said:

May I give you a story of a BIG RED FLAG in my life dating yrs ago that I wish I had seen?

I feel you I so so so feel you. I'm old. I'm in a happy relationship for 7 yrs for the time being , but I had some dating hell stories let me tell you. First. TRUST YOUR INSTINCT.

Here's one. Years ago I was just divorced and trying the dating scene . I met a man  who was cute and normal and "nice". I was cautious . ON the second date it was going to be dinner IN. I preferred his home to mine bc I was still being cautious and I wanted to drive to is place rather than him picking me up and knowing my address.I know that sounds cray, but I was just being cautious.  He was handsome, polite...manners the whole thing was great. I drove to his place.I knocked on the door .The first red flag was that he did notanswer the door.He called out. "hey (my name) the door is unlocked; come on in" I thought that was a little weird since we barely knew each other or not well yet...

That's not the bad part. I opened the door. He was sitting on  a couch looking at the tv on the other side of the room. He turned his face to look at me and I got a chill that should have sent me running. I rue the day that I did not listen to my own instincts. He turned and looked at me and the hair on my neck stood up. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT.But no, I thought I was being silly. Always trust your instincts

Just now catching up.  

I cannot be the only one who wants to know what happened next?   @ari333 this is the midway point of some thriller movie!  How did you make it out of there?  what was he doing?  was this guy Ted Bundy? did you call the police?  what?   Anyway, I can only be this nosy because you are here to tell the tale so I know you did make it out of there.   I can go back to minding my own beeswax so feel free to tell me so if you'd prefer no more words.  I was just riveted by your details.   The thread has moved on and I'm late sorry.......I was at a titty bar ;) 

[JTMacc99]

9 minutes ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

The thread has moved on and I'm late sorry.......I was at a titty bar ;) 

Hee!  That story still makes me laugh.  I am still amazed women ever agree to go out with us.

I don't remember if I told this story, so apologies for repeating myself if I did. My new friend that I met on Tinder have a common Facebook friend which Tinder tells you. After our initial back and forth and then taking it to texts, I mentioned that she could of course vet me through Kathryn.  Her response was that she's going to forgo that and trust her instincts. I guess I give off a pretty non-threatening vibe, which makes sense.

Plus she's a super smart brain doctor, so you know, I'm guessing she likes to figure stuff out on her own. When we were talking about how both of us never expected to end up where we ended up and discussed how things always sort of worked out for us, she mentioned that she graduated at the top of her class at the university we both attended. Top, or at least the top three based on some of the way they give credits.  I managed not to say "that puts you about 80% ahead of where I graduated." We'll save that bit of information for another day.

[ZaldamoWilder]

Lol.  @JTMacc99 the romantic in me adores your new beginnings.  Full of potential.    I like her response too.  You seem like a guy who's sensitive in a considerate, let her take the lead kind of way.  I hope to hear more good things.  But hey, if she is smarter than you, can we let that be something she kinda stumbles upon by herself?  

::whispers:: like every other woman in a relationship.

I kid, I kid!!

[JTMacc99]

15 minutes ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

I hope to hear more good things.

I'm just going to take this very slowly. With the way our worlds work, getting together will be challenging. I'll report back with any news. We both realize that our lives are very much full of taking care of family and work, so it was kind of nice to get a couple hours to escape. 

And the fact is, I've got so much other unresolved shit going on in my life, that going slowly is by far the best plan. She knows most of my deal, which didn't scare her off, but also gave her perspective on what I've got going on.

[ari333]

1 hour ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

Just now catching up.  

I cannot be the only one who wants to know what happened next?   @ari333 this is the midway point of some thriller movie!  How did you make it out of there?  what was he doing?  was this guy Ted Bundy? did you call the police?  what?   Anyway, I can only be this nosy because you are here to tell the tale so I know you did make it out of there.   I can go back to minding my own beeswax so feel free to tell me so if you'd prefer no more words.  I was just riveted by your details.   The thread has moved on and I'm late sorry.......I was at a titty bar ;) 

BWahahahahah titty bar....  cuz... you know... you're a little late heh

I (wait for it and brace yourself) I stayed for dinner and was fine.  We dated some more, but later he got weirder and weirder in sometimes subtle  ways and sometimes overtly weird ways. Then it was over and I walked away and I'm here, as you said so I'm alive. He was not physically dangersous. He was WEIRD.  

I couldn't call the police bc all he initially   did was turn, look at me, and the expression on his face gave me chills. That's not a crime, but my point in posting it was listen to your instincts bc he did turn out to be bad news in the long run. He was charming and good looking, (so was Bundy, but my date/guy was not a murderer.) Well, you get my drift. Iow, it would have saved me some heartache if I had just left when I first got the willies. I was freshly divorced at the time and was stupid to rush into something. Well, I didn't super rush, but I should have taken it more slowly in retrospect. If I'd taken more time, then perhaps I'd have see the weird coming and bailed (sp?) before my heart got into it.

Sorry I was late responding... I was at a titty bar. :-)

Edited March 7, 2017 by ari333

[JTMacc99]

49 minutes ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

But hey, if she is smarter than you, can we let that be something she kinda stumbles upon by herself?  

::whispers:: like every other woman in a relationship.

I kid, I kid!!

Hee! You also just reminded me of something you said to me here a long time ago, when I commented that there isn't a lot of help for men to write a decent dating profile. My research left me with don't be a moron and have a flat belly and dates will be plentiful. It's interesting that now that I've got the belly thing under control, I've somehow become a moron. 

[ZaldamoWilder]

18 minutes ago, ari333 said:

BWahahahahah titty bar....  cuz... you know... you're a little late heh

I (wait for it and brace yourself) I stayed for dinner and was fine.  We dated some more, but later he got weirder and weirder in sometimes subtle  ways and sometimes overtly weird ways. Then it was over and I walked away and I'm here, as you said so I'm alive. He was not physically dangersous. He was WEIRD.  

I couldn't call the police bc all he initially   did was turn, look at me, and the expression on his face gave me chills. That's not a crime, but my point in posting it was listen to your instincts bc he did turn out to be bad news in the long run. He was charming and good looking, (so was Bundy, but my date/guy was not a murderer.) Well, you get my drift. Iow, it would have saved me some heartache if I had just left when I first got the willies. I was freshly divorced at the time and was stupid to rush into something. Well, I didn't super rush, but I should have taken it more slowly in retrospect. If I'd taken more time, then perhaps I'd have see the weird coming and bailed (sp?) before my heart got into it.

Sorry I was late responding... I was at a titty bar. :-)

Girl??  LOL!!  I can't tell if I'm disappointed or relieved that this wasn't a lifetime tv movie ending.   Trust your instincts.  Hella word.  Was it you that suggested a read of Gavin somebody or other's book?  That's his entire premise.  I saw him about 100 years ago when Oprah was still on the air.  Not sure if he references it in the book but he said that it's not that our instincts aren't immediate, it's that we don't immediately listen to them, so maybe they aren't as loud as we require.   A friend of mine was mugged and even though she sensed someone behind her, she said she didn't turn around because it would've been impolite.  

7 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

Hee! You also just reminded me of something you said to me here a long time ago, when I commented that there isn't a lot of help for men to write a decent dating profile. My research left me with don't be a moron and have a flat belly and dates will be plentiful. It's interesting that now that I've got the belly thing under control, I've somehow become a moron. 

Heh! Not even close.   Congratulations on the belly thing though lol that's hard!

[ari333]

5 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

Hee! You also just reminded me of something you said to me here a long time ago, when I commented that there isn't a lot of help for men to write a decent dating profile. My research left me with don't be a moron and have a flat belly and dates will be plentiful. It's interesting that now that I've got the belly thing under control, I've somehow become a moron. 

You and the doctor may be a great match!

A long time ago, I started to date a neurosurgeon. We were in the getting-to-know-you stage.  He said that it was refreshing that I wasn't "afraid or intimidated" by him "like other women." (Hmmm.... alrighty then?)  After awhile, he seemed so full of himself, but I thought I'd give it a try anyway and see how it goes. Once I accidently called him a "neurologist." He got really miffed and snorted, "neurosurgeon." I can understand him correcting me, but it was the way he did it. Let's proceed with the red flags.

The deal breaker  was the following and keep in mind this person is supposed to be a decent person and a healer for people in serious condition who need neurosurgery.  I know someone will say he is only human, but I couldn't get past it. 

He told me that he had a partner doctor in his practice and that he assigned, "all the fatties" to the other doctor to perform surgery on the "fatties." I was horrified. I asked what constitutes, "fatties" and he said, "Any woman over 140 lbs." Needless to say, we didn't work out any relationship. He even said that he was "disgusted by them and couldn't look at them."   YIKES. I kind of wanted to report him to the board. I wish I had.  

Edited March 7, 2017 by ari333