Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[Bastet]

1 hour ago, Mindthinkr said:

Am I wrong to think he was a ____? 

Fucking asshole?  No, of course not.  Under normal circumstances, it would be devastatingly rude and hurtful to divide the grandkids by parentage, taking one out for a treat and leaving the others behind without bringing anything back for them.  But when they're stranded with limited resources due to a natural disaster?!  That's despicable. 

How did he respond when your daughter confronted him (assuming she did)?  And what did your son-in-law have to say about his dad's shithead antics?

Edited September 22, 2018 by Bastet

[BookWoman56]

@Mindthinkr, if your daughter hasn't already done so, she needs to make it clear to her FIL that if he's going to stay in her house, he needs to behave like a decent person. If not, then he can take himself, the other grandchild, and his dogs to a shelter or back to his own house. There is no excuse whatsoever for his failure to both adequately supervise all the grandchildren and make sure they all were fed. FFS, if he had told your daughter he wasn't up to dealing with several children, she could have stayed at home and taken care of the kids herself. So, yes, he is a fucking asshole, bastard, etc. I have seen other grandparents play favorites before, but this is not just playing favorites; it's neglecting some of his grandchildren and leaving them hungry and without adult supervision while he goes with the favored grandchild and stuffs his own face. 

@2727, given what a bitch your sister is being and the fact that you and your sister have had some issues in your relationship over the years, I'm going to offer some unsolicited advice. Even if your sister agrees to be added to your bank accounts and auto title, don't add her as a joint account holder unless you're prepared to have her control your finances. In all seriousness, once you add her as a joint account holder, she could empty your accounts and give you only what money she chooses. If you're determined that the money should go to her after your death, then ask the bank if you can have her simply listed on those accounts as the beneficiary of the account funds upon your death. Or if there is a way to have her listed as a joint account holder but without signatory authority. She doesn't need the bulk of your estate, and even if she did, it's absolutely your right to decide to leave most of it to charity. Please talk to your attorney and make sure you don't put yourself in a situation in which your sister can mess up your life financially. Obviously I don't know your sister, but I've seen similar situations in which someone decided to add a family member to the bank accounts, and the next thing you know, all hell broke loose because the family member decided to empty the existing bank accounts and then dole out the money to his sibling, whose money it actually was, as he saw fit. After my own experiences with my now ex-husband repeatedly taking money out of our joint account to spend on drugs and leaving me scrambling to pay bills, I followed my sister's example; she routinely says she would not have a joint bank account with the angel Gabriel. From everything you've said, your sister is a controlling bitch, and in your place, I'd reconsider leaving her anything at all, but at a minimum, don't give her access to your bank accounts in such a way that she can dictate how you live your life. 

Edited September 22, 2018 by BookWoman56

[Bastet]

Yeah, @2727, I somehow missed your post, but I'm going to second a strong "No, don't do it!" to adding your sister to any accounts or titles.  Given the history and situation, she should not have access to any of your assets while you're alive.  If you want to leave some assets to her upon your death, structure your will accordingly (if allowing her to avoid probate and the hassle of being an executor is your concern, set up a living trust instead [avoids probate, plus being the administrator of a trust is less hassle than being executor of a will - easy money, really], but, in your shoes, I'd be more interested in making things simple for the charities than the obnoxious rich sister, so let her deal with probate if you want a will; you'll be dead, and thus won't care), and she can have at it when you're gone. 

Edited September 22, 2018 by Bastet

[2727]

Thanks, @Bastet and @BookWoman56.

I should have said that I considered her lack of response an answer. I sighed, shook my head, and set up a living trust today with the bank as executor. Nothing is going to her. It's genuinely not out of spite but to save her having to deal with it entirely, which is what I was trying to ease in the first place.

[DeLurker]

@Mindthinkr - I'm assuming that your daughter's family lives close enough to areas affected by Florence but not materially hit themselves - at least I hope I have that right.

I'm going to agree with the general consensus that the guy's an ass, fucking or otherwise.  I am going to also suggest that it is probably a good thing that a man with such poor judgement did not take all the children with him on this excursion.  You don't mention the reason the FIL & nephew & their dogs ended up in your daughter's house, so I am filling-in-the-blank with a storm-related reason.  If this is true, I would venture a guess that being with his cousins and being a kid would probably be the most reassuring thing for the nephew.  At a time when resources are low and people are fatigued, no one needs to be going for a Sunday drive.  At a time like this, I would have looked at him like he was crazy if he suggested "Hey, I was thinking of driving the kids 40 miles to go to DQ - that ok with you?".

Try not to project adult interpretations of events on to the kids - unless this is a chronic behavior and than it is something that your SIL needs to address with his father.  Everyone in you area - including you - has been through so much.  You've been handling storm related problems like a champ and with great aplomb.  I know this is about the grandkids and that is always going to be hard to take a step back.  Your daughter told you because she needed to get it off her chest because she's been through a lot, she's trying to help out those in real need (good on her), the household is down one Dad and up a FIL + nephew + 3 dogs, ...you all are dealing with various levels of chaos.

[Mindthinkr]

35 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

I'm assuming that your daughter's family lives close enough to areas affected by Florence but not materially hit themselves - at least I hope I have that right.

They are up from the coast 40-50 miles as the crow flies but have experienced flooding issues as well as sink holes and roads being washed out. Their school is closed until October pending repairs and road conditions. 

Even in their area food is scarce. I know of a Costco that’s open (ha! It’s a zoo) but I’ll stop by there as soon as I can get out of my town (which is being described as an island because of the lack of routes getting in and out) I’ll go by there and get them some meat, stuff to make sandwiches, cereals and some juices etc to give them a break from water. 

It could be better, it could be worse but I’m a Mama Bear when it comes to my grandchildren. Hurt them and you hurt me. I have no words (well maybe a few but they aren’t polite) for her FIL. He could have brought them back a meal. That to me is just inexcusable. At least they know this grandparent (me) loves them all equally. 

[DeLurker]

It is inexcusable.  And if he was making a run to a city with service, he could have got household essentials that would be in short supply (either already or the near future) - you know, tp, tuna fish, dog food (!), juice, bread, ... don't make the trip a wasted one.

Families come in all sorts of funny shapes and sizes.  My paternal grandfather played favorites with his great grandchildren.  My oldest cousin lived in the house next to him and she had 4 children.  He was deliberately so affectionate to the youngest and always in front of his siblings.  This started when they were really young.  My grandfather was a curmudgeon on his good days, so being openly affectionate with anyone had never been witnessed in our collective family history.  Not to his wife, not to his children, not to his grandchildren, not to his siblings, ...

[Mindthinkr]

Well I’m sort of judging by all I read here on PTV but we all must be some of the best our families have to offer. 

[PRgal]

My family - at least those who I've been able to speak with - have been fairly supportive of our soon-to-be-born child via surrogacy.  However, I can't help but wonder what they REALLY think...I don't think this is something they really understand.  I know my grandmother (the verrrrrrrrry Catholic one) is apparently excited.  I guess this is a good thing?  Even if they think it's weird?  

[auntlada]

I have found that even if people think the manner of birth is weird, they often get excited about the reality of a grandchild or great-grandchild they will get to hold (I mean if they are basically good people, of course). Now if your grandmother was Catholic and bad at heart, it would be different. You can be religious and have a miserable, bad heart or religious and have a good, loving heart. The latter people might disapprove of the manner, but when confronted with a baby, will love it anyway and be excited about it. Does your grandmother have any other great-grandchildren?

[PRgal]

3 minutes ago, auntlada said:

I have found that even if people think the manner of birth is weird, they often get excited about the reality of a grandchild or great-grandchild they will get to hold (I mean if they are basically good people, of course). Now if your grandmother was Catholic and bad at heart, it would be different. You can be religious and have a miserable, bad heart or religious and have a good, loving heart. The latter people might disapprove of the manner, but when confronted with a baby, will love it anyway and be excited about it. Does your grandmother have any other great-grandchildren?

Maybe it's just me feeling "broken" and an "incomplete woman."  I'm not exactly "infertile" in the traditional/medical sense.  I was told not to have my own genetic children due to a genetic disorder I have and that pregnancy is stressful on my body.  To answer your question, yes, my grandmother has other great-grandchildren - three, in fact.  I'm the only female child of the oldest son, so it's not like this kid will take my birth last name.  I DO have an uncle who has two boys.  Both these cousins are married, but they're too busy being...millennials, so I don't think they're going to have kids any time soon.

[Quof]

14 minutes ago, PRgal said:

Both these cousins are married, but they're too busy being...millennials, so I don't think they're going to have kids any time soon.

Judging other people's decisions to have, or not have, children (and the reasons for their decisions) is not cool.

As if that weren't already obvious from this entire discussion. 

Edited September 22, 2018 by Quof

[DeLurker]

@PRgal -You are not broken nor incomplete.  You don't owe an explanation to anyone for your decisions.  You've obviously made one that was based on love and care, at great cost and hurt to yourself. 

 

33 minutes ago, PRgal said:

Both these cousins are married, but they're too busy being...millennials, so I don't think they're going to have kids any time soon.

And that is probably a good thing - not because they are millennials, but if they are not at the stage in life where they are ready to tackle the role of a parent then they aren't doing anyone any favors by reproducing.  One of my SIL was barely 23 when she started having her kids and she was a wonderful parent.  At that age, I was not even responsible enough to have my own pet and knew it, but I made a fantastic aunt.  At 30, I was ready.

[PRgal]

5 hours ago, DeLurker said:

@PRgal -You are not broken nor incomplete.  You don't owe an explanation to anyone for your decisions.  You've obviously made one that was based on love and care, at great cost and hurt to yourself. 

 

And that is probably a good thing - not because they are millennials, but if they are not at the stage in life where they are ready to tackle the role of a parent then they aren't doing anyone any favors by reproducing.  One of my SIL was barely 23 when she started having her kids and she was a wonderful parent.  At that age, I was not even responsible enough to have my own pet and knew it, but I made a fantastic aunt.  At 30, I was ready.

Thanks :) 

 

I would NOT have been ready at 23 either.  I grew up much too sheltered and had nearly everything done for me.  I don't even know if I would have been ready at 30!  Thirty-five?  Sure.  By then, we already had our adoption process started (homestudy done, documents approved, etc...), but no match.  At 37 (we're both the same age), we decided to move on to surrogacy and now, at 39 and nearly 39, we're about to be parents!  But yeah, people judge.  And I'm glad so far, no one has judged me to my face...or to my husband's (that I know of).  Of course, we don't know what's being said behind closed doors.  My side of the family is fairly old fashioned (and he has old fashioned people on his side too).  And I'm no "liberal" by Toronto standards if you know what I mean...(don't want to get into politics here, so I'll end it at that).  

[JTMacc99]

On 9/22/2018 at 10:45 AM, Mindthinkr said:

Well I’m sort of judging by all I read here on PTV but we all must be some of the best our families have to offer. 

Uh oh. I never have anything to say in this thread, which implies...

[Mindthinkr]

1 hour ago, JTMacc99 said:

Uh oh. I never have anything to say in this thread, which implies...

It implies what?

We know that you’re a good person. Between parenting, pets and caring about your fellow posters,  I’d say you rock. 

[JTMacc99]

14 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

It implies what?

That I’m a wise ass.

And thank you!

[Moose135]

5 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

That I’m a wise ass.

I'd rather be a wise ass than a dumb ass!

[walnutqueen]

17 hours ago, Moose135 said:

I'd rather be a wise ass than a dumb ass!

I'm comfortable being a fat ass.

I sit, therefore I am.

[JTMacc99]

19 hours ago, Moose135 said:

I'd rather be a wise ass than a dumb ass!

I'm a self-aware dumb ass with a decent sense of humor. (AKA a wise ass.)

On 9/22/2018 at 5:19 PM, PRgal said:

I would NOT have been ready at 23 either.  I grew up much too sheltered and had nearly everything done for me.  I don't even know if I would have been ready at 30!  Thirty-five?  Sure. 

Speaking of self-aware, good for you! I had an interesting coworker a few years ago who gave me the advice when I was in my twenties, to be sure you're ready to be a parent before you do. Because it will be so much more rewarding.

[DeLurker]

I made up the theory of Lifetime Averaging when I was in my teens - it was really just an excuse to justify things like going to the beach excessively, napping excessively, drinking excessively...to my older and way more mature and responsible sibling about how I chose to spend my time instead of studying excessively (like he did), working part time (like he did), ... 

It actually turned out to be true because as I got older and much busier with things like having a real job, a family, responsibilities,...I no longer had time for any of those things and I was glad that I did them when I was younger.

[KittyMom4]

On 9/22/2018 at 11:52 AM, DeLurker said:

And that is probably a good thing - not because they are millennials, but if they are not at the stage in life where they are ready to tackle the role of a parent then they aren't doing anyone any favors by reproducing.  One of my SIL was barely 23 when she started having her kids and she was a wonderful parent.  At that age, I was not even responsible enough to have my own pet and knew it, but I made a fantastic aunt.  At 30, I was ready.

I was a parent at 22 years old, my husband was a year younger, we both matured quickly and took being parents very seriously. My daughters are now 28 & 24 and are no where near ready to have kids but it's not because they're immature, quite the contrary, they are focusing on careers, buying homes and enjoying life experiences, as they should. My oldest and her husband have told me that they don't think they'll ever have kids and I give them credit for being mature enough to know they can't commit to 18+ years of taking are of someone else's needs. I don't see that as selfish, (as one of my friends called them when I told her). I would much rather have grandchildren who are loved and wanted rather than ones who get dumped off to a sitter because mom and dad still want to have 'freedom'. 

[BookWoman56]

There are good arguments both for having or not having children. I think the decision should be made by the individual or couple without interference from other family members, though. If someone has a child primarily because of family pressure, then even though the parents may love that child, there's always bound to be some underlying resentment about how the choice was made. I know that as a parent of two children who were planned for, even though the circumstances of the second pregnancy were not ideal, I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like had I chosen not to have children. Ultimately, I always come down on the side of feeling that I'm happy I had my children, but if given a do-over, I'd have skipped getting married to their fathers. If I had felt pressured by my family to have a child, I'm not sure how I would feel. I have known someone who had a couple of kids when she was in her early 20s, just because it was expected by both her family and her in-laws, and who later in life told me that if she could go back in time, she would not have become a parent because she just really wasn't cut out for it. She didn't like babies or small children, and when her kids were older, she didn't especially enjoy that interaction either. But I know the societal expectations are out there, and there is all too often a negative judgment made on people who choose not to have children. For me, I applaud anyone who has the self-knowledge to know that he or she doesn't want kids, no matter what the reason or even if the reason is simply lack of desire to be a parent. Choosing to be childless is not inherently a selfish act, and it bugs me to no end when people automatically assume that if someone doesn't want to be a parent, it's because that person is very selfish or self-centered. I've known people who simply didn't want children, people who wanted children but were unable to conceive, and people who had surgery so they could not impregnate someone or be impregnated because they were carriers of severe genetic disorders. It's nobody's business but the people involved as to whether someone should or shouldn't become a parent.

[formerlyfreedom]

This is a place to share your family situation, good/bad/ugly. Criticizing people for sharing is off limits. You don't have to agree with how people handle things. You may share advice that gets ignored. And that's okay. No one here is forced to read this forum.

Be respectful to your fellow posters, or the topic will be locked. Thank you.

[KittyMom4]

On 9/25/2018 at 9:47 PM, BookWoman56 said:

It's nobody's business but the people involved as to whether someone should or shouldn't become a parent.

100% agree with this. Many years ago I used to tell my daughters I couldn't wait to be a grandparent, then a coworker of mine was talking at lunch one day about how her and her husband were not going to have children and how it bothered her every time her parents or in-laws brought up wanting to be a grandparent. Ding ding ding in my head, I decided to shut up about it to my kids. I have since stopped discussing it, so when my oldest told me her and her husband were also going to be childless I congratulated her and told her I was happy for her either way. And to be honest, I had my kids young, divorced their father when they were 9 & 13 and was 95% responsible for their upbringing for 13 years, I am now living a life that I enjoy and making plans for my future, I'm kind of relieved to not have to be at a dance recital or a soccer game or have to babysit on a Saturday night.  If that changes I'm sure it will be great, otherwise, I'm good! 

[Joe]

Big dilemma. Saturday is my birthday. I had intended to be happily alone, have pizza and booze by myself. Deal with my family as little as possible. However, relatives are visiting from interstate. They've invited my parents and I out for a meal that night, my pick of restaurant. The one place I want to try is a Brazilian BBQ, though that's not great for my vegetarian parents. To complicate matters, I live right by a very good place. But I've been there too much. It's nice, but not special any more. Furthermore, I'm sure my rellies will want to make a big deal out of it, and I hate being in the spotlight.

One week in either direction would have been perfect, but that isn't possible. And note that I'm the antisocial one, they're all great people. Part of me wants to go through with my original plan, part wants to put that off for a week. Basically, I don't want to say yes and don't want to say no. What should I do?

[DeLurker]

Say you have prior commitments that keep you from accepting a dinner invite (which is greatly appreciated), but would be glad to meet them for a drink earlier at wherever is convenient for them.

Happy early & lowkey birthday.  I like my family just fine, but really hate any kind of spectacle.

[Moose135]

Go to dinner with them, and let them fuss over you a little, after all, it's only once a year.  Your out-of-town relatives will be glad to spend some time with you, and your Mom will want to see her little boy on his birthday!

[DeLurker]

Go ahead and flaunt your maturity @Moose135!

[Mindthinkr]

30 minutes ago, Joe said:

Big dilemma. Saturday is my birthday. I had intended to be happily alone, have pizza and booze by myself. Deal with my family as little as possible. However, relatives are visiting from interstate. They've invited my parents and I out for a meal that night, my pick of restaurant. The one place I want to try is a Brazilian BBQ, though that's not great for my vegetarian parents. To complicate matters, I live right by a very good place. But I've been there too much. It's nice, but not special any more. Furthermore, I'm sure my rellies will want to make a big deal out of it, and I hate being in the spotlight.

One week in either direction would have been perfect, but that isn't possible. And note that I'm the antisocial one, they're all great people. Part of me wants to go through with my original plan, part wants to put that off for a week. Basically, I don't want to say yes and don't want to say no. What should I do?

First remember that it is your birthday. Can you tell them that you’ve already made plans but would be willing to go out to eat a different night? Will the relatives be around for another week to postpone? I’ve been to a few of those Brazilian places and they usually include a wonderful salad bar. Some allow you just to pay for that portion of the meal so your parents could just do a big salad (dessert if they’re still hungry) and those wishing to try the meats could go for the full meal? Try to look up their menu online. 

  I totally get your point about not wanting to be in the spotlight. There’s nothing worse than going somewhere and then being ambushed with all the waiters coming out to sing a birthday song. I find it embarrassing. 

  You could also check for a neutral place to dine. Menus are usually available online and you might be able to find somewhere new for everyone that allows each to eat their own way. 

  I’d hate for you to have to go and ‘grin and bear it’. Remember they think that they are doing something nice for you and mean well. You don’t want to cause a chasm in the family. Whichever you choose to do remember to begin it with a good attitude. Even if that means a drink alone before you go or telling yourself silly mantras (this will be fun...this will be fun). If you approach it with a negative one it will only drag down the mood for all. You are important, so begin with what I first suggested. “I’m sorry but I’ve already made plans”. If they call you out on what you are doing tell them a friend has a surprise night in store for you so you really don’t know exactly what. 

Have a wonderful birthday no matter what happens. 

[Bastet]

7 hours ago, Joe said:

Basically, I don't want to say yes and don't want to say no. What should I do?

If you just said you didn't want to go, but feel like you have to, my advice would be to do whatever the hell you want for your birthday, and if they're offended at you declining the invitation, oh well, because it's their problem, not yours.  But because you are on the fence, and do like these people but just don't feel like having a big night out on your birthday, I'm instead going to suggest you split the difference somehow.  Suggest lunch, or happy hour drinks and snacks, with your family instead and then have your low-key evening alone as planned.  (Better yet would be another day entirely, but I'm not sure from your post if that's possible.)  Just tell them you already have plans for the evening - you do, and they're not less valid because they don't involve other people, so you don't need to make up a "better-sounding" evening - but you'd love to get together earlier for a couple of hours and thanks so much for the invitation.  If they're not available for that, thanks anyway and hope to see you next time you're in town.

If you decide to go to dinner, pick the Brazilian barbecue place you've been wanting to try; those usually have really good food, and the presentation of it makes it fitting for a special meal.  And while it would obviously be rude (and ridiculous) to take your vegetarian parents there for one of their birthdays, your relatives invited you to choose where you'd like to go for your birthday.  Make very clear you just want to go have a nice dinner and catch up with your relatives, you do not want the restaurant staff made aware of your birthday because you don't like when they do the singing spectacle and all eyes in the restaurant wind up on you.  If they don't respect your explicit wishes not to have a fuss made and choose to knowingly make you uncomfortable because they would find it fun if it was one of them, well, you know never to accept one of these invitations again.

Edited October 2, 2018 by Bastet

[BookWoman56]

8 hours ago, Joe said:

Basically, I don't want to say yes and don't want to say no. 

I would suggest either proposing a lunch get-together rather than dinner so you can stick with your original plans for a solitary dinner, or if you feel compelled to do the dinner thing, accept the invitation but tell them that you'd prefer things be low-key. I fail to understand why people make such a big damn deal over random birthdays, anyway, once someone is past childhood. Milestone birthdays can merit a celebration that the person would enjoy, but who really gives a flying fuck if someone transitions from being 35 years old to 36? All my family members also know that if they ever take me someplace and the end result is restaurant staff converging on our table and singing some birthday song at me, there will be hell to pay. 

[backformore]

How hard is it for my family to figure out, if we're taking turns hosting Christmas, that we can all keep track of who had it which year?    We alternate, and invariably the conversation is like this: 

"whose hosting Christmas?" 

"L  -it's her turn." 

"Oh, I didn't realize there was some kind of schedule" 

"yes, R had it last year, I had it the year before, it's L's turn."

"Are you sure?  I thought it was your house last year, and mine the year before." 

"No.  I kept a record,  I looked it up." 

"I don't know, that doesn't seem right.  are you sure?" 

"yes."

"well, OK, I'll ask L.  What if she says no?  will you have it?" 

"No - it's her turn.  period. I will tell her. she skipped her last turn, she's not getting out of it." 

this is only an issue because in my husband's family, we also take turns hosting, and it's easy, nobody argues, nobody tries to switch.  in my family, someone is always wanting to jump in and host when it's not their year, or skip their turn, and then there are bad feelings- which means there's an "injured party"  who inevitably complains to me.  AND, there are years when it's my turn for BOTH Christmas celebrations, and I need to be able to gear up for that - make sure I have money, a plan, and extra days off work.    My family is not good at planning.  the discussion of who is hosting Christmas will start in October (as it just did)  and then be dropped, brought up again in november, dropped, until mid-December, when I will get the question again, "who is hosting Christmas?"  and it's a week away. 

sometimes I feel the person who keeps asking me is just pestering me until I volunteer to do it myself.   

[MargeGunderson]

My mother and her husband are staying with us for the next 6 days. Please pray for me, y’all. I am going to need the patience of many saints.

[2727]

While crying: "I did the best I could with what I had."

No. Stop that. If you think the best you could do was being an emotionally unavailable alcoholic whose father supported you financially your entire life and who had seven creepy husbands, then I think you should reconsider your standards of excellence.

That was my mother, but anyone who uses that phrase to excuse their own failings really angers me.

[MargeGunderson]

This visit is going worse than expected. My mother’s husband will.not.shut.up. He has to comment on everything. Example - he sees a storefront with the sign Mike’s Convenience Store. He asks, what kind of a store is Mike’s Convenience Store? A convenience store, I answer in the politest voice I can muster. Oh, like a little grocery store? He responds. Yes, that’s what a convenience store is. Then random questions, like what’s the difference between a ghost and a goblin? I’m seriously supposed to answer that. While I’m driving. Speaking of driving, every time we get in the car he wants to know what direction we are going. Now he uses the compass on his phone and he tells me the direction I’m driving. And his only speed is meandering. Not to be confused with slow, he just can’t keep his attention on getting ready to go. Yesterday we needed to leave the house by 8:15 to get to a tourist attraction for which we had tickets at a specific time (it involved a boat, so if we missed it we were out of luck and $80). Everyone was up before 6:00 because they thought I said 7:15 (we had multiple conversations about the time we needed to leave). At 8:00 they are just setting down to eat breakfast. So up an hour earlier than necessary and still we leave 15 minutes late. My mom’s fine except that she just shrugs it all off with the attitude that it’s just how he is. 

Thanks for letting me vent. Only 3 more days. This has been hands down the worst vacation.

Edited October 9, 2018 by MargeGunderson

[DeLurker]

Oh my word - he's given me a headache over the internet!  You truly have my sincerest sympathy!

I guess the only thing is to channel your mom's attitude and to shrug it off too.  Does she simply not answer him? 

[MargeGunderson]

44 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

Oh my word - he's given me a headache over the internet!  You truly have my sincerest sympathy!

I guess the only thing is to channel your mom's attitude and to shrug it off too.  Does she simply not answer him? 

No, she basically indulges it. She has some of the same tendencies although not as extreme. If you ignore him he just repeats himself over and over until someone reacts. I think she’s mostly just used to it. He’s a huge interrupter too. He’s like a little kid saying “look at me, look at me!” 24/7. I have confirmed this with my brother who lives in the same town and therefore deals with it on the regular. My brother texted me “tag, you’re it!”

[Nordly Beaumont]

2 hours ago, MargeGunderson said:

Then random questions, like what’s the difference between a ghost and a goblin? I’m seriously supposed to answer that.

This reminds me of Tig Notaro's joke about her wife asking random questions all the time ("can a bee sting another bee?"). Tig tells her "I don't know the answer, but I do know that all these questions seem highly  Googleable." Maybe Tig's wife and your mom's husband are related!

[DeLurker]

Maybe the best tactic is a non-response “hmmm, I don’t know” or to turn it around on him and just let him yammer on “what do you think?”.

[MargeGunderson]

11 hours ago, DeLurker said:

Maybe the best tactic is a non-response “hmmm, I don’t know” or to turn it around on him and just let him yammer on “what do you think?”.

I think you are probably right. It’s just so exhausting! 3 more days....

[DeLurker]

I am happy to report I don't expect to be knocked on my arse on the stairs again by my big fluffy beast.  After that happened, the next time I made him wait at the top of the stairs as I went down until I got clear of the bottom landing.  Since then, he does not go up/down the stairs if a person is on them.  He waits at the top or bottom until they have cleared the landing or given him a come command. 

The cat does not get the same courtesy.

Oops!  Thought I was in Pets when I posted this where I had told my sad tale of woe of being taken down by a suspected dog assassin.

Edited October 10, 2018 by DeLurker

[backformore]

13 hours ago, DeLurker said:

Maybe the best tactic is a non-response “hmmm, I don’t know” or to turn it around on him and just let him yammer on “what do you think?”.

I'd say take it as a joke:  "I don't know, what IS the difference between a ghost and a goblin? Oh?  You don't know?  I thought it was a halloween riddle!" 

If not driving, you could google it yourself, and read it aloud, and insist that he sit and listen to the entire thing.  

Or  - if you have Amazon Echo, just say "Alexa...."  and repeat his question.  Guaranteed to make him stop. 

[Mindthinkr]

@MargeGunderson My heart goes out to you. You’ve been having a bad time lately. Soon your parents will be leaving and things will get back to normal. 

My grandson came to stay last week (with his mother, brother and sister) and he talked and talked. I asked my daughter “Does he ever shut up?” She shook her head and said “No”.  Boy do I ever get what you are going through. I liked the suggestion to ask him to google it (are driving or cooking whatever). When in the car with my chatty grandson I put on a music CD and gave him the lyrics and told him to sing with me. It wore him out for about 10 minutes after it was over! Good luck. 

[MargeGunderson]

They’re gone! We saw them off at the train station at 6:46am. That may have been the longest 6 days of my life. Now I’m happily doing so much laundry. Thanks for the advice and commiseration - it kept me sane and them alive!

[DeLurker]

I hope you were able to get some time in with your mom without her husband there.  

My son was non-verbal until he was 5, then he spoke sparingly.  Today at 24, he’s still pretty quiet most of the time.  Anyway, when he was little and we were where other parents & kids tended to be, a lot of times I would key in on the kids with the never ending questions and chatter.  All I could think was “How do their parents stand it?”.

[Mindthinkr]

16 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

All I could think was “How do their parents stand it?”.

My daughter says she has learned to selectively listen. If it whining she ignores it, if it’s about pain she addresses it, if it’s chitter chat she hopes for it to end or that he gets interrupted by one of his siblings. Or she turns the music on loud. 

[theredhead77]

I went home for 5 nights (work trip) and stayed with my parents. I arranged quite a bit of friend time and left a few nights to spend with my parents (they knew this ahead of time) and ended up feeling like an imposition.

Sunday night I had dinner with them and then when we went back to the house I wanted to hang out with them but my dad was so hyper focused on watching TV that I went to my room to get ready for work and go to bed.. Monday after work I was going to eat with them before meeting coworkers for drinks and they wouldn't turn off the news (I don't watch the news and they know this*) for 15 minutes so we could eat together so I ate alone in my room. *This news was the local news that they had been watching since 4:30, nothing new was being reported but my dad had to watch his news. Tuesday I had dinner with a friend, got back early and tried to sit down to watch what they were watching so I could talk to my mom at a commercial but instead my dad was again so focused on what show they were watching next and if it was being recorded (never mind they also have access to On Demand - recording means they can FF the commercials) that I just went to my room to get ready for bed.

My mom came to check on me and I told her how I felt and she just excuses his crap as he's set in his ways, you know how he is. So I suggested on Wednesday we watch the family movies my mom finally put on to DVD. We get back to the house and my dad turns it on to whatever show he watches Wed night. My mom reminds him about watching the movies and he sticks around for 15 minutes before declaring he has to go lie down (he never has to 'lie down' during his shows). I got annoyed and my mom told him I was trying to spend time with them so he stuck around another 15 minutes before going to lie down and didn't come back out until it was time for his 10pm show (we were still watching movies). He was visibly annoyed (again, they have On Demand and set their DVR). I left Thursday early afternoon - my mom slept until it was time for me to go.

My dad and his hyper-focus on TV has been an issue for years. I still remember us all being out to dinner and my dad getting antsy because it was almost 8pm and they needed to get home in time for NCIS, despite the DVR recording it. I'd love to play a board game, or something but my dad won't participate and gets antsy if my mom isn't watching TV too so the only way for me to spend time with them is to watch TV with them.

Don't even get me started on how loud they watch TV and how loud they talk to talk to each other. My mom says it's because I live alone and am not used to all the noise, I told her they have the TV super loud because dad refuses to wear his hearing aids and the volume they speak to each other is the volume I would use to call to my mom from my room to the kitchen.

I'm not going back for Thanksgiving and when I go back in December it's only going to be for 3 nights - fly in Thurs and fly out Sun.

[MargeGunderson]

@theredhead77, sending you so much sympathy. I totally get it, right down to the yelling/no hearing aid. Yesterday Mr Gunderson and I spent several hours in blissful silence because we had missed it so much over the last week.

[BookWoman56]

4 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

I went home for 5 nights (work trip) and stayed with my parents. I arranged quite a bit of friend time and left a few nights to spend with my parents (they knew this ahead of time) and ended up feeling like an imposition.
...
I'm not going back for Thanksgiving and when I go back in December it's only going to be for 3 nights - fly in Thurs and fly out Sun.

It sounds as if your parents have taken the idea of treating your visit as a casual thing to an extreme level, to the point of almost ignoring your presence. Yes, your dad is set in his ways, as your mom said, but I don't think it's asking too much to have one or two evenings where the three of you interact at least for dinner or for an hour before or after dinner without you being treated as if you're an unwelcome distraction from watching TV. My guess is that if you didn't go back for a visit, you'd hear complaints about ignoring/neglecting them. I'm not sure what I would do in your position, but I think your decision not to go back for Thanksgiving is the right one. Maybe if you cut down on your visits, your dad will decide he cares more about seeing you than about watching the gazillionth episode of NCIS or re-watching the same news stories 5 hours in a row.