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Small Talk: The Impala

radishcake

By radishcake
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catrox14

catrox14

(edited)

OMG.  I literally laughed til I cried and coughed.  This is the best rant I have read in ages. 

 

I will never not think of my hands as anything but 'Burrito Forks" now. 

 

 

tumblr_mzz8ojF5SS1rseesao1_1280.png

 

 

 

Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito:

 

 

Have you ever been to Earth?

 

On Earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today.

Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND ME FOR A FEW MINUTES UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET. You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys. Did you like this post? I made something else I think you’ll like more.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork? I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

 

https://medium.com/@luckyshirt/dear-guy-who-just-made-my-burrito-fd08c0babb57#.uh31g8n98

Edited by catrox14
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Mick Lady
Mick Lady

Guys, I came here tonight to give an update on me, but screw that!   catrox, I've been emotionally stable my entire life. I grew up in a great family, and have a (almost) perfect marriage Life has b

Mick Lady
Mick Lady

Hey Guys! Sorry I've been away so long! So much has happened with you all, and I'll comment on all of that later. I just wanted to get my old friends here up to date with me. First, Omegamom, I h

pixelcat
pixelcat

My cat's picture made the top 50 vote-off for a cat calendar at a local cat rescue (same place I adopted him from).  Yay!

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SueB

SueB

(edited)

I swear, THIS is why I came into the page too!  Weird. I've been thinking about Mick Lady all day.

 

A different topic. I need help.  Like SERIOUSLY.  There's an ad that showed up for the last several weeks on the bottom of MY screen when I'm on PTV.  It's a visually triggering picture. It's meant to be that. The assholes who put it there want you to click on it to learn why it triggers you.  But it totally freaked me the hell out and now I can't shake it.  If you know what I'm talking about DON'T TALK ABOUT IT OR DESCRIBE IT.  I had nightmares for days.  It's to the point that I now won't scroll down below the "reply" box for fear of seeing this thing.  But even the act of not scrolling down is a reminder of that damn picture and how it triggers me. 

 

Any ideas? I've had plenty of trauma in my life (like real blood and death and squick) but I've never been literally triggered like this before.  How does one break the cycle?  So far I've been using distraction but if anyone has ideas let me know.  Also... just talking about this has put my hair on edge so I'll peek back in a little while for answers and then I'm going to run away from discussion because .... triggered.

 

Thanks in advance. And PLEASE do NOT link to visually triggering stuff as a reply to my comment.  And NO, I will not describe it.  Ever.

*grabs a glass of wine and shudders*

Edited by SueB
Omegamom

Omegamom

Damn, SueB, that's awful. I wish I had some advice. From what I've heard of behavioral modification therapy, I think you're supposed to slowly expose yourself to the triggering image a little bit at a time, making the exposure last just a bit longer each time. But don't take my word for it, look it up (BMT? EMT?), because I could have it all wrong, and I really, really don't want to make it worse. :-(

What I get down there is images of bread makers, cars, and gossip articles.

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AwesomO4000

AwesomO4000

Brought over from the "supernatural Survival Game" thread, because I didn't want to usurp that thread:

Catrox14: Oh gosh, Awesome. I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with something not good. We'll keep you in our thoughts!

 

 

Thank you catrox...

 

It was my Nana (the one who had Alzheimer's). She passed away peacefully, and I have been expecting it for a long time now, so right now I'm okay. But I'm thinking that once I go see my family this weekend, it's going to be an emotional roller coaster.

 

Actually one of the things I have been doing to keep my mind distracted - because my mom called a few days ago to tell me that Nana wasn't doing well - was knitting some soft hats for MickLady. It has been very therapeutic, and I can't wait for her to come back so I can show her a photo and thank her for giving me something good to focus on. When I get back next week, I hope to get her address via a PM so I can send them to her... I'm planning to knit more on the car ride to Florida. If there's any not to her taste, she could share them maybe with others.

 

Someone please say hey to her for me if she comes by before I can get back... and tell her I've been thinking of her. (I'm hoping she might return tomorrow if I'm lucky, since I'll be leaving early Friday.)

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7kstar

7kstar

(edited)

I'm all better now.  Got a suggestion for a solution that will allow me to pretend the whole thing didn't happen.

Hello, my name is SueB and tonight I'll be channeling the Dean Winchester version of therapy. 

 

Thanks for the shoutouts.

Sue B I use AD block plus.  It helps with most ads so you don't see them.

 

I would find an image you want to see to replace the one you didn't.  I do this with nightmares all the time.  

 

The other suggestion I have is do something creative to change the image.  I saw something that was really horrible driving home from work years ago.  Nightmares and worst at the time I thought I had to drive that way everyday.  I finally planted a plant and over time it helped.  Won't say what happen since you've had enough bad stuff.

 

I too hope that Mick Lady is doing well. 

 

I really need spring break.  The kids are driving me batty.  One day at a time.  This week will pass.  :) 

 

Awesome sending positive vibes your way.  Sorry for your loss.  You have a good heart.  :)

Edited by 7kstar
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ahrtee

ahrtee

Awesome, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I lost my mom in early January, also to Alzheimer's.  I was trying to think if there was anything I could say to help, without sounding stupid or pretentious, but all I can say is:  remember who she *used to be,* and be happy that she can be that person again, in your own mind, at least.  My mom was so unhappy for her last few years, because she was losing herself, piece by piece; and I like to think that now she's found herself again and is back with my dad.  And now you've made me cry.  But with your family, focus on memories that will celebrate who she was when she was at her best, and not the ending.

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Demented Daisy

Demented Daisy

AwesomO, I lost my grandfather to Alzheimer's.  Those last few years were not easy, but I have a picture of my grandfather with the dog I had at the time and that's the memory I keep.  He and my dad used to take the dog into the woods to hunt -- that's when they were all happiest, I think.

 

Our hearts go with you this weekend.

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AwesomO4000

AwesomO4000

(edited)

Thank you ahrtee: not stupid or pretentious at all. Both my hubby and I were glad that the last time we saw my Nana, it was a relatively good day. I remember her that day and for how she was before. Because in her last few years, I know she was often frustrated at not being the vital woman she once was. I am so sorry for your loss as well.

 

Sorry to hear about your grandfather, Demented Daisy, and I understand. Alzheimer's is not kind. I have some wonderful photos of my Nana and our times together. Thanks to your reminder, maybe I'll bring those this weekend. Thank you.

 

Thanks for the many hugs Omegamom. I seem to be in knitting mode at the moment, but soon enough, I hope to get back to writing. Your well-wishes mean a lot to me.

 

It's been a crazy start to the year. Not at all what I expected. But you guys are here, and maybe as strange as it seems that an online discussion board can be a comforting constant, it is. It's just good to know that there are others like me who enjoy discussing and rediscussing this sometimes frustrating but still wonderful show and that we have a place to do it freely and with acceptance. Sometimes the internet can be a good thing.

Edited by AwesomO4000
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Iguana

Iguana

Aw, geez guys. Sorry to hear about the tough times for y'all. Good vibes and happy thoughts to everyone.

Just to share, I don't have any visual triggers that I'm aware of, but just the sound of a wasp or bee buzzing near me causes almost total paralysis. My body just locks up, instantly, while my mind starts gibbering in terror. Don't know why.

AwesomO4000

AwesomO4000

Thank you, Iguana. Are you allergic to bees?

 

And I know it doesn't help you much, but maybe you can take a teeny bit of comfort from knowing that not moving is actually the best thing to do when a bee or wasp comes around. Actually, swatting at a bee or wasp is probably not a good idea. You're more likely to get stung that way.

 

(Also you'd have a hard time in my yard. I actually try to encourage wasps and bees to live there and even give them their own "plate"* at BBQs and picnics.)

 

* Their "plate" is actually a bottle cap or piece of aluminum foil with a small piece of the BBQ meat on it... the yellow jackets learn quickly that that is their "plate" and go to that rather than bother us. Then we watch them chew off pieces of meat and try to fly away with them (which can be amusing when they try to take a piece that is too big and have aerodynamic issues). Our BBQ guests are used to it by now and even generally find it amusing.

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Iguana

Iguana

Heh. All due love and affection, Awesome, but I think I will have to decline any BBQ invites from you! You don't need hysteria woman causing a ruckus for your waspy friends. I'm not allergic, but they freak me the fuck out like nothing else.

Heh. All due love and affection, Awesome, but I think I will have to decline any BBQ invites from you! You don't need hysteria woman causing a ruckus for your waspy friends. I'm not allergic, but they freak me the fuck out like nothing else.

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Omegamom

Omegamom

On the other hand, I'll be glad to come, Awesome, because (I think we've discussed it before) I come from a family where we did the same thing.

In the meantime, today was the lottery for getting into the local charter high school, and my daughter got in. Whew. Five miles away, instead of 25, and it's one of the top high schools in the state. Win-win!

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7kstar

7kstar

Awesome - I can handle bees if they are not in the killer bee mode.  But the others nope.  I kill yellow jackets if they get near me because the last one stung me as I was unlocking my front door.  I do react to the stings and they hurt like the dickens.  So, enjoy them if you must...but they better listen and leave me alone! 

 

I could not have done the Bugs show...nope nope nope.  It's one show I avoid from supernatural because I'm not a fan of most bugs.  I tell the spiders they better hide when I walking around my house or they are dead meat!  :)

 

Rant ahead...I know it's not life threatening...

 

How on earth could a parent dare to ask if there is anything their child could do to pass two days before grades are done?  I even got a note where the child lies, saying he is trying to improve his grades as he loves track and band.  So the 50's he made which were really Zeros was suppose to be him trying????

 

Sorry now I'm mad.  Mother email is there anything he can do.  I said no.  Where was the concern when I gave the warning that he is refusing to do his work and could fail.  Yep, it's a 68.  Yep he can't do track or band contest for at least 3 to 4 weeks.  Sorry, he's done this already several times.  I'm tired of it.  I helped him out before, did he learn from it???  Oh I know, it's too hard....my expectations are too high.  RIGHT?

 

Now of course, I'm the evil one...  Sorry kid, your screwed by the evil Drama teacher. 

 

Now I bet everyone of you wants to go be a teacher, right?  I just wish I had an off switch for my brain.  :(

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SueB

SueB

7kstar.... you are a HERO. 

 

Seriously. This kid needs to have a real life lesson. And you're not being a hard ass. You gave all the warnings and a second chance.  He clearly doesn't care about his classwork and more importantly, thinks the rules doesn't apply to him.  It's this sense of entitlement that is so dangerous in many people (young or old). Sure he'll hate you.  Please take a few precautions like telling co-workers about your challenges with this kid in case Mom causes trouble.  If she/he has done it in your class, I bet there's a pattern.

 

But you are doing this kid a HUGE favor. This relatively minor punishment is the life lesson he needs.

 

Carry On Wayward Teacher....

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Omegamom

Omegamom

(edited)

Kid's own fault for not doing the work. Maybe he'll learn a lesson? Alas, I doubt it if the parents are like that. Sorry you're getting the parent drama, 7kstar! (I don't know if it'll appall you or amuse you in a dark way that my older bro had the same problem as a TA in university, teaching pre-med students.)

Keith Emerson has died. Sheesh, another rocker bites the dust.

Edited by Omegamom
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Diane

Diane

Folks, I'm taking a brief holiday from PTV ( unless Mick Lady shows up).

I REALLY DONE with the constant negativity in the threads I'll be looking for other forums but will come back in a week and maybe all the 'this show sucks' response to show renewal will be out of people's system.

See you in a weekish.

I understand, I was so happy, if you don't like the show , I don't understand why you would watch it, but that's just me. Hopefully things will die back down.

Commando Cody

Commando Cody

Supernatural is still one of the few shows I look forward to every week.

 

The people who don't like it - anymore - are probably in it til the bitter end and they probably hoped it would be this year. I have watched shows like that as well. I think the last show I felt that way about was Charmed. I really wanted it to end, but I had to see through the entire series. Even though it had become terrible. 

7kstar

7kstar

Kid's own fault for not doing the work. Maybe he'll learn a lesson? Alas, I doubt it if the parents are like that. Sorry you're getting the parent drama, 7kstar! (I don't know if it'll appall you or amuse you in a dark way that my older bro had the same problem as a TA in university, teaching pre-med students.)

 

On one hand I'm not surprised...they are showing up doing the same in college...on the other hand I was hoping they would change as they got older.  lol.

 

It's spring break and I need it.  I just don't get student's ideas that they can tell me what to do.  They think I'm mean...wait till they get fired or lose something more precious like a house.  I love teaching students that want to learn.  I just wish we could cut loose the kids that don't want to learn.  Maybe if they had to go to work instead, they would then develop an appreciation for school. 

 

My assignment...to not talk about or think about school for a week.  Need to write plays or something else for a bit.  I failed last night at dinner...but dusting off my shoes and trying again.  Grades are done!  Yah.  That's a first for me.  Happy dance,  :)

 

Thanks for the support...I know it's not cancer but sometimes it just feels like too much.  I need to start figuring out my next career.  I don't think I can do this much longer.  seriously.  I keep trying to not give a damn, but I keep get sucking back in and I'm tired of being sucked dry.  I really wish teachers got more support.  Teaching raging hormones is HARD!  :)

Omegamom

Omegamom

Well. Middle school. Ugh. It's all drama and back-biting and not giving a damn about BOR-IIIING school. I'm hoping the very intermittent flashes of maturity and interest in the outside world that I see from the girl start expanding. You have my major sympathy, really, truly, because I think middle school teachers are saints.

SueB, there are lots of us who are happy about the show being renewed, and who think there are still interesting stories to be told. Just let the negativity roll off your back, like a duck!

And has anyone heard from MickLady? :-(

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rue721

rue721

They think I'm mean...wait till they get fired or lose something more precious like a house.  I love teaching students that want to learn.  I just wish we could cut loose the kids that don't want to learn.  Maybe if they had to go to work instead, they would then develop an appreciation for school.

 

I hear you. I'm a manager (have only been at it for a matter of months, though!), and imo the hardest part of it is juggling all the interpersonal relationships. It feels like everyone is looking out for #1, and it's up to you to align all their interests so they all do what needs to be done for the big picture. Really exhausting. And I only have to do that with twenty-odd ADULTS.

 

A bunch of middle schoolers and their nutso parents all trying to get you to do what's best for them personally, while you try to get them all to come together to actually LEARN something (and put on a show!) has got to be the most frustrating thing on the planet.

 

I guess what I'm saying is PLEASE DON'T send them to work! I don't want to deal with them, either! :P

 

And has anyone heard from MickLady? :-(

 

She's been in my thoughts, too. But haven't heard anything from her.

 

MickLady, I hope you're doing OK! We're all pulling for you.

 

It was my Nana (the one who had Alzheimer's). She passed away peacefully, and I have been expecting it for a long time now, so right now I'm okay. But I'm thinking that once I go see my family this weekend, it's going to be an emotional roller coaster.

 

My thoughts are with you, too, AwesomeO. My condolences for your grandma. Even if you're expecting it, and even if it's probably for the best, losing someone you love is still hard.

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7kstar

7kstar

Folks, I'm taking a brief holiday from PTV ( unless Mick Lady shows up).

I REALLY DONE with the constant negativity in the threads I'll be looking for other forums but will come back in a week and maybe all the 'this show sucks' response to show renewal will be out of people's system.

See you in a weekish.

Take a break, if you need to, but there are those of us that feel good about it.  If they talk to negatively in all of the threads, I think the mods will step in.  There is only place they are suppose to rant about it in.  :)  I sometimes take a break and then find myself being more positive.  It's something we all have to do time to time.

 

Mick Lady...hoping all is well and if your feeling awful that you feel better soon.  :)

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catrox14

catrox14

UGH. I HATE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME!!!

 

I woke up at 5:00 and then fell back asleep around 6 and overslept by an hour. I live in the flight path of the airport and I didn't even hear any jets which start taking off around 6:30 am. That's like my back up alarm. LOL So I'm guessing it must have been on a ground delay...Or maybe I was just that tired. 

 

Ugh time travel is hard...

catrox14

catrox14

I'm just glad to not be a sneezing, sniffling, watery-eyed, itching, fatigued and achy mess! I mean, itching eyes, nose, face...and feet, even! No aggravation for me, thank heavens; I think my only side effect is some sleepiness. (Different than the fatigue.)

 

Oh man, I didn't get sleepy or even had fatigue. It was like someone gave me ALL the caffeine and then some.  I take zyrtec and that seems to help unless the pollen count is like super high.  Man, I feel your pain though!

 

Welcome back Awesome. I hope it wasn't....too sad :(. 

rue721

rue721

(edited)

I'm just glad to not be a sneezing, sniffling, watery-eyed, itching, fatigued and achy mess! I mean, itching eyes, nose, face...and feet, even! No aggravation for me, thank heavens; I think my only side effect is some sleepiness. (Different than the fatigue.)

 

Ahhhhh allergy season.

 

Speaking of...today's run was so bittersweet. It was chilly and drizzly, so I could run so much harder/further! It's early spring, so every part of my face was either dripping with mucus or dry as sandpaper. That's March for you.

Edited by rue721
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AwesomO4000

AwesomO4000

(edited)
Welcome back Awesome. I hope it wasn't....too sad :(. 

 

Thanks catrox. It's good to be back.

 

As for my trip: a little depressing is more the word, but mostly because much of my family is in general now a bit of a mess. My Nana was one of the voices of reason before the Alzheimer's started affecting her. She sort of kept the family on track. But now... My Grampa is as stubborn as ever, my mother is... my mother, and they pretty much drive each other crazy.

 

And one of the most depressing things? The moment this weekend that I realized I'd fallen for it again. I felt like an honorary Winchester. Logically, I know my mom hardly ever tells me the truth, yet somehow I still fall for it almost every time. And that moment this weekend when I realized that once again my mom told me another fabricated story (this one to justify something crappy she did before I even knew what the crappy thing was), it was sort of depressing. I'm thinking maybe she just totally believes her own spin on things, or she can't help herself, but still, I kind of wish she wouldn't do it. And my Grampa's really mad at my sister (for no real reason mind you, except that he's stubborn) and when he wants me to take his side - which come on, it's my sister, who I love. I am not doing that - that, too is depressing.

 

It should've been more of a time to celebrate my Nana instead of me in the middle of everyone's family drama, but I tried to be supportive of everyone without taking sides. This involved me listening a lot, me being supportive, and me doing a lot of baking. I am so lucky to have my husband, because he is wonderful. And it was great to see my sister, because she's a good sister.

 

But bottom line - I'm so glad to be home.

 

(Sorry for spilling my family drama all over you guys - but the venting felt good, so thanks for that.)

Edited by AwesomO4000
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