S15.E07: Auditions 7

[helenamonster]

Quote

The auditions conclude as variety acts of all types and contestants of all ages audition for the chance to win $1 million.

Original airdate: 7/14/20

[Swenson]

I wonder.....does anyone know if an act that Simon didn't like, but got through anyway......like the Chicken guy and those annoying Ninja Twins.....ever made it as far as the finale?  Don't recall myself. 

It's obvious no audience changes things.  It makes the judges more focused....it also changed the fortunes for that guy who came back from two seasons ago to roast the judges.....with no audience there to boo him, he actually makes it.   So are the at home auditions we see now a preview of what the rest of the season would be like?  I can't see an opening for an audience returning anytime soon,  I'd consider hoping the live shows could be postponed until maybe January so they can maybe do them on the regular stage even with no audience.  More likely we'll see the at home format.

[Vermicious Knid]

I am kind of sorry we didn't get to see a horrified audience reaction when the puppet dog got hit by the car.

[InternetToughGuy]

Watching this crap ranks as the #2 most hated activity in life aside from washing myself; then again, with obesity statistics these days, I'd probably get a standing ovation for revealing a fully visible pelvic region. More auditions? I thought the hell was over.

***

Lightwave Theatre Company - With one or two attractive women in this group, which is becoming somewhat of a rare commodity, I go from deeply interested to zoned out depending on if a male is talking or not. Judging by the sad music, this is going to be another "life is so fragile <3" story, which would evidently fail to connect with me due to how hard I'm trying to strangle myself to escape watching this, since the remote is a whole 5 feet away. Crap act.

Kameron Ross - These "common names, but misspelled" always make me wince like a jealous girlfriend. I fail to see how being gay ties in with music, unless he's personally trying to spite George Strait with a joke he might not even get. I thought the singing was kinda lame, which means something coming from me, since I sit on the patio and drink all day, among other negative country stereotypes.

Alex Hooper - I don't remember him from before, possibly perhaps from the copious punches to my own head. Material wasn't that great, no thanks to the stock circus music or whatever that is.

Chicken - Not a single facial twitch was made. Howie seems to laugh at damn near anything that is sold as humor even if it's total crap.

The Ninja Twins - These 2 dancing with Prince may have been a record for the least amount of testosterone ever on stage at one time, at least until I'm on the runway, modelling the new McDonald's uniform when I finally get my first job at 60. They sounded really out of breath, maybe because they spent all their stamina on the long winded ramble at the beginning that probably made 90% of the audience want them to fail.

John Hastings - Damn these "outtake intakes" are so embarrassing. Any mention of the judges makes me want to smash the TV, which by some miracle is still intact this far into the season. 34? He looks like a near 50 year old oaf to me. I was not a fan.

High School Marching Band - I imagine the director is trying hard not to cry; I commend him for holding it together or at least potponing it for when the venue is full of fat old women shaking their heads. I was pretty convinced this *was* Lizzo, since she weighs about as much as 30 people put together. Claiming to feel "good as hell" when looking every bit the contrary is just sad. I don't know whether it's because the audience isn't there to leap out of their seats for no reason, but I was not impressed.

Siena Uremovic - I did a dance like this when trying to fight my bullies, which is probably why I got a legendary asskicking which sent me to permanent homeschooling. I didn't think it was that great, though I will have to borrow her idea for wearing a blindfold so I can prance through the women's clothing department at Macy's and claim I had no idea what I was doing, even if the security camera captures me leaving with several bags of items clearly meant for me.

Voce Nova - Since she's hot, I wish the guy would stop talking. With Forte being more known for being associated with advanced mop technique rather than music, any act who still pursues opera on this show deserves everything they get (as in nothing). At least them singing to an empty audience prepares them for the future. It was garbage.

Sheldon Riley - Him not talking at the beginning gives a glimpse at the future of free speech. As much as I hate singers as well as this performance specifically, I do have to commend him for injecting the slightest bit of feeling into a song by an artist who looks like her emotional centers have been completely shut down from prescribed poisons (antidepressants).

Chris and Syd - The title of the YouTube video named him "country singer", which gives foresight as to how memorable this will be. Damn this online format is even more horrible, as the video is elongated by having needless camera cuts to Sofia smiling at nothing. It's quite surprising any of them are smiling, since their usual thought on this show of "I wish I were back home" can't bring relief in this situation. It's so boring, I just turned it off.

Alexis & The Puppy Pals - I just realized if I had the lifespan of a puppy, I would've missed out on the past several AGT seasons, which fills me with jealousy, as well as the pipe dream of finding a willing veterinarian who will put me down. The judge reactions, not helped any by the girl doing the act being a kid just reminds me of your family looking up from their magazine while you hound them to "watch me dive". So damn boring.

Max Major - All these mentalist/magic acts look exactly the same with that gelled up hair and douchey pendant around their neck. Who does he think he is trying to control my mind? I reserve that right for the talentless YouTubers I watch who tell me what to buy and believe. Simon calling him a demon means a lot when he likely commutes to Hell a few times a week. This is torturous.

Erin McCarthy - I think that horse is worthy of applause for being so strong. Terry's one word replies sound like they belong in a LeapPad book, which I may need to read again after the alcoholic bender required to forget this garbage.

Worst episode of the series by far. If the rest of the episodes are like this, I don't know how I could keep watching. I know I'll keep watching, since any threats of quitting are obvious bluffs, just like when my Dad says I have 2 days to get a job or get out - he's done it so many times, I don't even pause my obscene pornography while he yells at me.

Edited July 15, 2020 by InternetToughGuy

[Neet]

Alex Hooper - It's impressive that he went out there and insulted the judges without sitting in a decoy wheelchair to shield himself from criticism and/or violence. The insults were pretty funny, though there's not much of an act to put through. That's never stopped the judges before.

Lightwave Theatre Company - The judges talking about the elaborate stage design on AGT being like no other show was quite illuminating, as The Voice has always been sorely lacking in fireworks and knives being thrown. One bright spot was seeing how that guy who looked like an oaf was able to "get" that woman, which is not to say women are a prize to be won. (although black is such a slimming color of clothing, I hardly noticed the two men were there at all)
For all the talk about making puppets, the dolls ended up making a few short movements throughout the entire performance that was mostly draped in the usual pretentious drivel. If the car hit the dog and didn't do any damage, this may give an unneeded confidence boost to any drunk drivers watching the show. Regardless, the happy ending made me shed a tear, as I have a semi-close bond with my estranged dog I rarely feed and would hate to see him be hurt.

Kameron Ross - The irony of him saying he lost gigs after coming out, and then walking into an empty room. Was this prior to the shutdown? It's getting really pointless for Simon to raise his hand like "ummm?!?! this is off script!" and demand an acapella song when we all know damn well that future performances will always have a dozen backup dancers and a laser light show going on to 'showcase his voice'.
IMO he was really entertaining, even though the checklist of country cliches applied to both songs he was singing and thus makes it hard to differentiate why he was good and some country acts aren't.

Chicken Scratch Sam - Ah, a fellow Ivy league graduate stuck in a fast food gig after college. No shame in that, though this act was purposely lame and only done to serve as 40 seconds of filler. Or is it "fil-A"? (update: it's not)

Ninja Twins - Hearing them almost finish each other's sentences and/or babble the same thing over top of each other with a 5 second delay was like a visual representation of writing a post on this site. Other than that, nothing much to say.

John Hastings - He was born premature and looks to have made up for that lost time and then some. It started off fairly well and then ended with him just telling a story that has no punchline and adding something to the effect of "so, that was great", which could foreshadow a lack of original material to come. Despite having some kind of motor skills deficiency, he has enough dexterity to grip the microphone, which probably made Ryan Niemiller cringe upon realizing that John's sympathy card is already faltering. On a side note, it would be nice to have more comedians whose backstory isn't "I was always a friendless dork" with a *check yes or no for disability* selection added. Don't most of the famous comedians have a ton of charisma?

Jefferson Davis High Band - Those horns were loud enough to wake me from my unemployed slumber at 9 PM, what a bombastic array of instruments. Apparently, the white guy led the group in previous videos. Thank goodness they changed the arrangement so as not to anger people who don't know the band or care what its members think about it; I almost destroyed my own belongings out of protest for I don't even know what anymore.

Siena Uremovic - Until she turns 18, my opinion will sound very clerical. "Hmm, yes. Interesting maneuvers." Jokes aside, it mostly looked like she was flopping about on stage in a state of hypoglycemia, which to most Americans is probably an incomprehensible idea. Doing it in a blindfold may have been slightly more impressive, but looked stupid to watch.

Voce Nova - The empty venue must have been footage from Forte's tour documentary, which will never see the light of day because they have no fans. The act was pretty bad, though I'd pretend it was good until it's clear the woman didn't want me, and heaven help those who saw my tantrum over that. Hopefully we can stop this facade of insinuating the general public enjoys opera.

Sheldon Riley - Very pretentious attire; his bedazzled face reminds me of my obese and creepy head getting stuck when walking into a video store's adult section. Even more pretentious is the legion of adults who act like Billie Eilish is music for the soul, though just saying this can accidentally be mistaken for what sounds like a fat dork ranting about what "real music is!!" His vocals were good, I just shudder for what we're in for if he's going to do this schtick every time.

With the online auditions, it feels like AGT did a good job filtering out the best things the government captures when spying on everyone's phones 24/7:

Chris & Sid - What sounds like an adorable act would reveal just how fucking annoying it is if the duo decided to perform a neighborhood concert at 3 AM when everyone's trying to sleep.

Alexis & The Puppy Pals - While it's enlightening to see how dogs that get taken on walks behave, these are the same tricks done a million times before, and this time it was shown in 240p quality video. 

Max Major - "I never thought in a million years this would be how we'd meet each other". Way to instantly expose himself as a fraud, some mentalist. With auditions being done online, the group had plenty of time to discuss the planned routine or the equally possible scenario of letting him attempt the trick 500 times and editing out the collective sighs of anger every time it doesn't work.

Erin McCarthy - That horse was robbed of a golden buzzer for not buckling throughout the entire performance. More fodder garbage to end the night. It certainly doesn't seem like Covid is at fault for robbing us of what would have been a good season.
 

[Babalooie]

6 hours ago, InternetToughGuy said:

Worst episode of the series by far.

My thoughts exactly.  In what talent show universe would The Chicken and Ninja Twins get through?  I was convinced that The Chicken was another case of a staff member killing time, but NOOOO - he actually went through.  The show  needs to be cancelled if this is the best they can come up with.

[Swenson]

So really?  Once they started the at home auditions,  this guy Tommy Socks gets four yesses for doing what?  Geez.... just sliding on the floor with socks on?  Where do I buy tickets to that?

And I'm sorry....the howling country dog is humerous one time.....an act like that would've drawn four X's easily on the stage.  But I guess the judges didn't have any buzzer gadgets they could use,  so they had to say yes.  Or if Kevin Skinner is watching ...maybe this is how you can resurrect your career.

The girl dog trainer isn't even close to the one from Champions last winter.  It looked like what it was....a little girl playing with her dogs on the front lawn.  This is getting to where I'm switching to Hell's Kitchen for more overcooked scallops and mushy rissoto.

 

Edited July 15, 2020 by Swenson

[InternetToughGuy]

4 hours ago, Babalooie said:

My thoughts exactly.  In what talent show universe would The Chicken and Ninja Twins get through?  I was convinced that The Chicken was another case of a staff member killing time, but NOOOO - he actually went through.  The show  needs to be cancelled if this is the best they can come up with.

I didn't know who got through or not, since the YouTube clips didn't show any commentary or results, it just looked like they did their act for fun and walked away. Not sure how much it matters that the crap acts got through when I can't think of any good acts that did, I would've probably considered the entire next rounds to be shite anyways.

[saber5055]

I must have been on a high from actually finishing and submitting my taxes, then mowing the back yard, two major accomplishments in one day. Because I liked so many of these acts.

The come-back comedian I thought was so funny. "Howie, remember when YOU were a comedian?" and "Simon, Fifty Shades of Tan." He gets a yes from me.

Not sure how I felt about the puppet show with the dog, except the dog was well done, so I guess it gets a weak "yeah, okay" from me.

The Backward Singer was so funny when he corrected Simon on the right way to say "crap" backward. Double burn!

I thought the Chicken Scratch guy's song was funny. So sue me.

Ninja Twins: "We got OLD!" So funny!

i also thought Comedian John was funny. I told you I was on some kind of emotional high over those tax forms.

The marching band ... I'm always a fan of marching-band drums. The rest can stay home, but they were okay too. More drums next time though. I also gave a big "hell yes" to the baton-twirling guys. They rocked. More drums and twirling men please.

I guess my high started to wear off because I HATED the Acrobatic Aussie. Plus I was disappointed Simon didn't tell her how far away Australia is. Her act must have sucked more than I thought it did since we saw more of the judges' faces than the act. I would have been okay with seeing neither act nor judges.

Opera Duo's start was soured by a close up of Simon's stank face, a premonition that he was going to X this act, which he did. Then he made fun of them because there was no audience (that would have had to respond to the big BOO and X signs they were shown so as to give the response TPTB wanted), then he revealed one of his reasons for doing this show: "That wouldn't sell any records." Yeah, we knew that's all you care about and why you let all these singers on the show, but it was pretty blatant to admit it like that. Meanwhile, I thought the Opera Duo was just fine and didn't need any Simon X. Which is why I'm not a judge on this show.

The Black Feather singer ... Simon gets so stank when performers don't speak, yet he is the one who hires them. Make up your mind, Cowell. Then the singer says "America is so accepting." And Simon says, "Be authentic." What a load of BS. People get the sh*t kicked out of them for being different all the time in America, regardless of what some multi-millionaire white guy tells someone on the show he owns.

The singing cowboy and dog were cute. Quite literally.

Tommy Socks was hilarious. I gave him a big YES and wanted to see more.

Black-suited dance group was good.

Little Kid Dog Act ... eh. And I like dogs. It reminded me that AKC is accepting videos for dogs to get Trick titles during lockdown if anyone is interested.

I wondered what happened to Bello Nock's daughter last season. She disappeared after being shot out of a cannon and getting four YESES. So she's back with her dad this time. Let's see if they both disappear again. Simon kicked Bello off a few years ago for being a crap clown act which I thought was a pretty bold rude thing to say to Ringling's head clown. Personally, I like Mr. Nock.

The Dancing Dad and Kid got an immediate big fat red X from me. Yet it got four yeses. WTH. My tax euphoria has now totally worn off.

Opera woman on horse got four red Xs from me. Hated her. I love horses but that was not an act nor a talent. Heidi: "I can't wait to see what you do next." Me: "I can."

So Simon wears flowered pajamas at home? Making sure to unbutton the top down to his navel so his 60-year-old hairy chest can be seen and admired ... by him. At least he was honest when he said he was going to stay sitting and admire himself before commercial break. You have a fan club of one, Cowell. You.

I just caught part of the ending credits that said Terry Crews owns the clothing company or has stock in the clothing company that furnishes wardrobe for AGT. Anyone know anything about that?

In closing, I thought the tech guys backstage running the monitors were the best audience ever. Not being paid to laugh (I don't think), they were the first reactions I've seen on this franchise that felt genuine.

[ams1001]

I started making notes at the beginning and then my internet died for a while and I got distracted and then I lost interest in the post I was writing. 

I would have liked the marching band better if they were on a field and shot from slightly above and not crowded onto a stage and jumping between twelve different camera angles.

I lost the rest of my notes and my memory of this show is rather limited so that's all I got.

[saber5055]

Wow, @ams1001. Sorry to read that. Your posts are the highlights here. But congrats on becoming a Mod. (I think!)

[ams1001]

Just now, saber5055 said:

Wow, @ams1001. Sorry to read that. Your posts are the highlights here. But congrats on becoming a Mod. (I think!)

Aw, thanks! Sorry, I just don't have it in me this week, I guess. But that makes me feel good. 🙂

Oh! One of the things I wrote was about Alex Hooper's comment about none of the judges being born in America: "Well, half the contestants weren't, either, so..." I remembered him when he came out but I don't remember if I liked his jokes the first time around. I laughed at his roasting of the judges this time but his obnoxious persona and purple lamé pants will get old quick.

(The mod thing is a trial; I don't know how to do anything yet. Except now I get an edit button on all posts and I keep accidentally hitting that instead of the quote button (no, I have not actually edited anything but my own typos). I did it twice just trying to reply to your comment. 😖)

[Vermicious Knid]

I really liked his voice but mysterious veiled singer is, of course, not an amateur. He made it to the finals of The Voice Australia and also appeared on the UK's X Factor. Which means Simon was already familiar with him as well.

I admit to laughing when the dog started 'singing'. Nice dog, her owner has a decent if entirely mediocre voice. Next week's episode is one of those compilation and review fillers that I will probably skip.

[Swenson]

26 minutes ago, Vermicious Knid said:

I really liked his voice but mysterious veiled singer is, of course, not an amateur. He made it to the finals of The Voice Australia and also appeared on the UK's X Factor. Which means Simon was already familiar with him as well.

I admit to laughing when the dog started 'singing'. Nice dog, her owner has a decent if entirely mediocre voice. Next week's episode is one of those compilation and review fillers that I will probably skip.

That's good.....burnt scallops and mushy rissoto anyone?

[Commando Cody]

There seemed to be a lot of yeses after they had to perform on a monitor.

If this is how the season is going to go, I don't think I can watch.  I thought the episodes with the judges alone with no audience were fine.  Watching people perform over the internet sucks.  For some reason it reminds me of that stupid Corona beer ad.  

I'm not sure why they needed all that time at the end to recap the season so far.  I had to FF through all of it.  

Nothing that impressed me at all this time around.  I kind of feel like I've seen the actor in the chicken suit before.  Like the guy who auditioned as the slug and something else the year before that.  I think the chicken may have done a bad audition for them as another character.  

[foxfreakinmulder]

I think I've figured it out. The producers must of said "we don't have enough contestants for the live show so just put everyone through."

I stopped watching when they started the from home auditions, after the guy in the truck. I hate from home shows so I won't be watching anymore I'll just come here to see who get voted off and who wins.

When it showed the judges at home everyone looked like they were in comfy clothes except Sofia she looked liked she had on a low cut top or dress. But I only saw her for a few minutes because I stopped watching after the singing dog/cowboy.

 

[ams1001]

9 hours ago, Commando Cody said:

I'm not sure why they needed all that time at the end to recap the season so far.  I had to FF through all of it.  

 

Especially since next week is a "best of auditions" show, anyway. I hope there are some good ones we didn't see the first time around, at least.

[Commando Cody]

I think they should have cancelled the season.  This show does not work well this way.  

[Mr. Sparkle]

I'm curious to see how they're going to do this remotely. I agree with everyone that it did not seem to work. Also, Sofia really needs a new camera for her computer. Personally, I attend enough Zoom meetings for work, I really don't want to watch TV like that. I know L.A. is shutting down again, so I don't know how they move this forward. 

[lynxfx]

On 7/15/2020 at 1:38 AM, Neet said:

Max Major - "I never thought in a million years this would be how we'd meet each other". Way to instantly expose himself as a fraud, some mentalist. With auditions being done online, the group had plenty of time to discuss the planned routine or the equally possible scenario of letting him attempt the trick 500 times and editing out the collective sighs of anger every time it doesn't work.

Not even. He did a $20 trick you can buy from any magic shop. I even have that deck stuffed in one of my drawers. Laziest magic act I've seen over video conferencing. 

Definitely worst show ever and not because there is no audience. There is no talent which makes it bad. Glad the insult comic is back only because he annoys the judges. He wasn't that funny on Roast Battles though so I dont have high hopes for him. 

 

[Maverick]

 I tired of self-taped/Zoom call/cell phone video TV shows so I wasn't looking forward to the t home auditions.   Given how spectacularly bad they were, surely they can't be thinking they'll continue the season this way.   An open air theater with no audience, maybe, but not this crap.   

[Lonesome Rhodes]

Marching band in Pasadena?  Rose Parade (which proceeds precisely one block North from that auditorium)!  Oh, man.  Just announced...no Rose Parade on Jan 1st.  True fact.  Boooooooooooooooo!  

OK.  The folks from Montgomery brought it.  If you can't march down Colorado Blvd., Green St. ain't a bad alternative.  

I thought it was a brilliant choice to begin the remote portion with the howling pooch with the country dude in the truck.  Guaranteed to help many in the audience adjust to the new media.  Emotion over the cognitive.  SYCO knows what it is doing.

The insult comic's material was pretty good.  I thought it stoopid that he gave Terry and Sofia a pass.  Then again, the typical voter, imo, wants to feel good.  Mean need not apply.

The backward guy was cool.  Neat skill.  Now, go home.  

[ams1001]

Howie's over-the-top guffawing at the comedians is even worse without an audience to distract from him a bit.

[saber5055]

4 hours ago, ams1001 said:

Howie's over-the-top guffawing at the comedians is even worse without an audience to distract from him a bit.

That's part of what made the comedians so funny for me. Howie, audience of one. Made me like both of them. The comedians, not Howie. Although him too I guess. I'd rather have that than Simon's constant stank face or views of Simon in his La Cage aux Folles outfit.

[CrystalBlue]

AGT has officially gone to hell in a handbasket.  Pure crap and garbage.  I can't watch the at-home video judges and the sent-in taped auditions again.

[Chit Chat]

On 7/17/2020 at 10:30 PM, CrystalBlue said:

AGT has officially gone to hell in a handbasket.  Pure crap and garbage.  I can't watch the at-home video judges and the sent-in taped auditions again.

Yeah, this is really bad.  If it has to continue this way, I'm out for the season.  Not that it can be helped, but it's just not the same without an audience.  

[CrystalBlue]

4 hours ago, ChitChat said:

Yeah, this is really bad.  If it has to continue this way, I'm out for the season.  Not that it can be helped, but it's just not the same without an audience.  

I don't mind no audience because the show focuses too much on contrived reaction shots and the constant booing when judges actually try to judge is annoying.  The magicians suck up to mostly Simon as well as the other judges for "audience participation" so we rarely see a regular Joe Schmoe or Plain Jane interacting with the magicians or whoever else wants to pander to Simon.  If I wanted the dreck that was brought to us last time, I'd watch America's Funniest Home Videos or somesuch show.  Or YouTube Amateur Hour.

Edited July 22, 2020 by CrystalBlue
Unless I'm writing to my Master, "I" should be capitalized.

[Lonesome Rhodes]

On 7/22/2020 at 12:24 AM, CrystalBlue said:

 The magicians suck up to mostly Simon as well as the other judges for "audience participation" so we rarely see a regular Joe Schmoe or Plain Jane interacting with the magicians or whoever else wants to pander to Simon.  

The chances of a regular audience member being in on the con and staying silent are remote.  The jidges are good about dat.

[CrystalBlue]

4 hours ago, Lonesome Rhodes said:

The chances of a regular audience member being in on the con and staying silent are remote.  The jidges are good about dat.

What cons?  You mean they aren't performing real magic?