S01.E04: That Was Fun

[ElectricBoogaloo]

BBC1 is airing two episodes per week while HBO is airing only one episode per week. If you enter this thread before the US air date, you may encounter spoilers!

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Still processing her trauma, Arabella starts seeing a therapist and connects with fellow writer Zain. Kwame spurs a new friend to step outside his comfort zone.

Original UK air date: 6/16/20
Original US air date: 6/29/20

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Whoa, Zain SUCKS. It is NEVER cool to take off a condom without telling the other person. I don't care how "uncomfortable" it felt for you. You know what's more uncomfortable? STDs and/or nine months of pregnancy. His bull shit excuse was the worst.

Poor Kwame. That guy was a fucking predator. Another asshole who is so obsessed with not wearing a condom that he's not concerned about his own health and safety or that of his partner (which is even worse when the partner is a stranger and you have no idea if they have any STDs).

It's horrifying to see how many people think it's just fine and dandy to have unprotected sex with strangers.

[kieyra]

I'm really struggling with this show--I like Michaela Coel and I like the writing, but I spend so much time being horrified with the risky party/drugs/hookup culture. I know that the show's message is probably whooshing right past my head, or maybe will become clearer as the arc develops, but it's hard to watch the characters put themselves in these situations. 

I know that in itself might be the message--people should be free to party, take drugs to the point of barely being able to walk, and use hookup apps without fear of assault. And in a perfect world that would be true. In this show it just feels like I'm watching a horror movie, and the characters are just wandering off alone into the serial-killer woods over and over. And maybe the show wants me to examine why the characters are behaving in ways that, to an outside observer, look so risky?  

(It probably doesn't help that I'm of an older generation, and wasn't much of a partier to begin with.)

Will be interested in other people's thoughts when more people have viewed the first four. I have a feeling my knee jerk reactions are part of the problems we’re being shown.

[Joimiaroxeu]

I didn't understand what was going on in that gay scene. Why did the one guy think the other guy just wanted to watch? The "voyeur" actually seemed disappointed if not hurt to me. Plus, I wonder if he realized he might be on the verge of witnessing an assault and decided not to leave himself in that position.

Taking the condom off literally behind Arabella's back was heinous IMO. AFAIC Zain lost all his good guy points with that one move. And then he tried to convince her that he thought that's what she wanted too. Ugh.

It finally sunk in with me that this show is about the arguably murky waters of consent. However, so far it's been pretty clear to me whose consent has been violated. I guess some chose to interpret it as a universal permit. In their mind once someone agrees to one thing everything else is okay too, at least during a given session. I also suppose some people don't recognize (or chose to ignore) when someone is not in a state to give consent. And then there are the straight up rapists who don't care one way or the other. Your physical presence is all they require.

[scrb]

On 6/27/2020 at 11:19 AM, Joimiaroxeu said:

I didn't understand what was going on in that gay scene. Why did the one guy think the other guy just wanted to watch? The "voyeur" actually seemed disappointed if not hurt to me. Plus, I wonder if he realized he might be on the verge of witnessing an assault and decided not to leave himself in that position.

Taking the condom off literally behind Arabella's back was heinous IMO. AFAIC Zain lost all his good guy points with that one move. And then he tried to convince her that he thought that's what she wanted too. Ugh.

It finally sunk in with me that this show is about the arguably murky waters of consent. However, so far it's been pretty clear to me whose consent has been violated. I guess some chose to interpret it as a universal permit. In their mind once someone agrees to one thing everything else is okay too, at least during a given session. I also suppose some people don't recognize (or chose to ignore) when someone is not in a state to give consent. And then there are the straight up rapists who don't care one way or the other. Your physical presence is all they require.

I think the other guy was reluctant and Kawame proposed they find a third who had a place.  Seems like Kwame doesn't have his own place so he's hooking up in bathrooms of supermarkets and so on.  So he goes on an app. and they go over to a stranger's place.

So in both cases, Arabella and Kwamme hooked up with people who wanted to go bareback.  Zain just goes ahead and does it and seems apologetic, saying he thought that's what Bella wanted too.  Bella seems to get over it, as long as he paid for the emergency contraceptive.

Kwame was forced, Bella wasn't, though she wasn't happy about it at first.

In the therapy session, she doesn't seem that serious.  What was the acronym, about being drugged and raped?  But when the therapist suggests some non-sexual activities like yoga or painting when being with friends, she rolls her eyes blatantly at the therapist.

Then she goes to meet up with Zain, she doesn't want to drink anything at that cafe -- was it the same place as episode 1?.  In fact she flashed on the glass of drink a woman at another table takes, so she's still shaky about being drugged.

Still her initial reaction in episode 2 to being spiked seemed kind of casual, like it happened to her before or she's seen it happen to others.  But now, she's afraid to take a drink at an establishment?

Arabella and Zain have good banter.  She seems to be impressed that he went to Cambridge?

[Joimiaroxeu]

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So in both cases, Arabella and Kwamme hooked up with people who wanted to go bareback. Zain just goes ahead and does it and seems apologetic, saying he thought that's what Bella wanted too.  Bella seems to get over it, as long as he paid for the emergency contraceptive.

Interesting. My read on those situations was different. Re the guy Kwame got with, I thought he just wanted to have sex that felt more dominant, and once they no longer had an audience he decided to go for it. He probably hooks up with slighter-bodied guys because then it's easier for him to pull that move. The other guy Kwame brought with him I think recognized that Kwame was perhaps being intimidated by the guy's huge physique, and he noped out because it was more than he wanted to observe. It might be like not wanting to watch a BDSM scene because it just doesn't appeal to you.

As far as Zain goes, I think he flipped Arabella over on purpose because then she couldn't see that he was going to remove the condom. I suspect that's a move he's pulled before, especially since he so easily played it off by gaslighting her. I see Arabella as mostly a go-along-to-get-along type of personality who won't make waves unless she has too. I think she hides behind the excessive drinking and drug use, as well as her author persona. Zain I think has determined that it's not hard to get the upper hand with her if she thinks whatever is happening was her decision. He seemed like a nice guy but maybe he isn't so much.

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Kwame was forced, Bella wasn't, though she wasn't happy about it at first.

Yeah, I think Kwame was definitely raped. Bella technically wasn't but she didn't consent to having unprotected sex. That could be why Zain so casually convinced her that he thought it was what she wanted. I see it as Zain having violated her but it probably doesn't fit within the legal definition of rape. There might be a different story though if Bella ends up with an incurable STD due to that unprotected encounter. Again, consenting to one thing doesn't necessarily mean you're consenting to anything  or everything else.

[Blakeston]

The guy who was watching Kwame with his (eventual) rapist is unsure about his sexuality, right? That's why I assumed he left - either it was overwhelming for him (the sight of anal sex can be a lot for someone who isn't accustomed to it), or he realized that it just wasn't his thing.

Zain came across like a decent guy, until he pulled the move with taking off the condom. It was no coincidence that he removed it as soon as she couldn't see it. I was surprised that he actually fessed up to taking it off - I thought he would just inconspicuously pick it up and throw it away without letting her see that it was empty.

But I guess he had to let her know if he wanted her to take emergency contraception afterwards. And maybe part of the thrill is letting the woman know that you pulled one over on her? Regardless, it was a total violation.

[luna1122]

I think the case could definitely be made that removing that condom, without her consent, aka stealthing,  was a form of rape. I believe it HAS been argued, legally, tho I may be wrong about that. Zain is shady AF, and I don't believe for a second he thought it was okay with her. I hate that she accepted it so readily and is still feeling flirty with him.  I think that may change. He also had contempt for her writing success, and feels he's a  better, more deserving writer. It was a complete power play on his part.

I admire how realistic this show is in dealing with Arabella's need for constant company, and also in how quickly she wants to reassert her own sexual agency. At first, the hookup with Zain kind of baffled me; they didn't seem at all into each other, there didn't seem to be any actual attraction on either part, and the sex, creepy stealthing aside, looked merely serviceable, something to get over with. But I also recalled, having gone thru a similar--or anyway, somewhat adjacent-- situation as Arabella back when I was 19, that throwing yourself back into sexual situations where YOU feel in control is a common defense mechanism. It's heartbreaking that the first time she does this, she's met with more sexual betrayal by a predator who looks like a nice guy but definitely is not.

I really also didn't get what was going on with Kwame and his new friend, who seemed into him, but hesitant, and despite what he said, a little scared. I'm not sure I get why Kwame immediately thought "threesome with a stranger is a good way to ease this guy into things!" Was it strictly logistics, as they had no where else to go? I'm also not entirely clear on what happened with the Grindr hookup guy...did he actually rape him, was there penetration, or did he just get himself off using Kwame as a sex toy? Either way is heinous, indefensible, and an assault; I'm just unclear on the details.

So really, with Terry's dubious threesome that she believed was consensual til she realized she'd been set up by the two guys...she, Arabella and Kwame have all experienced different levels of deceit and assault regarding consent and their own sexual agency. This show is brilliant, and so, so hard to watch.

 

[Empress1]

11 minutes ago, luna1122 said:

I’m also not entirely clear on what happened with the Grindr hookup guy...did he actually rape him, was there penetration, or did he just get himself off using Kwame as a sex toy?

I was confused too. When Grindr Guy says “it’s not sex,” I wasn’t sure if he meant “this is not sex, I am raping you” or “this is not sex because there is no penetration, I’m just grinding against you.” Whatever happened was assault, no question - Grindr Guy even said “I’m a bad boy,” so part of the turn-on for him was force. I just am not clear on what the sex act was.

Taking off a condom without your partner’s consent or knowledge is called stealthing. It is a form of sexual abuse, although I don’t think it has been prosecuted. Zain is trash.

Michaela Cole is one of those people where if I see her name on something, I watch it. Chewing Gum was excellent and I think this show is brilliant in the way it looks at consent and gray areas about sex.

[kieyra]

I was also uncertain if there was penetration in Kwame’s rape, but was unwilling to rewatch. In that kind of mental running tally you absently keep during “sex” scenes, I thought his pants were still on. So I thought maybe the show was showing us multiple kinds of rape in one episode—the stealthing, but also a rape without penetration. 

[buttercupia]

Kwame's pants were definitely off and i'm pretty sure there was penetration. either way, it was assault.

Arabella was also assaulted. legally, it depends on the statutes where it happens.

Michaela Cole is incredible. This is like a way better, more realistic, slightly more mature version of Euphoria.

[After7Only]

9 hours ago, kieyra said:

I was also uncertain if there was penetration in Kwame’s rape, but was unwilling to rewatch. In that kind of mental running tally you absently keep during “sex” scenes, I thought his pants were still on. So I thought maybe the show was showing us multiple kinds of rape in one episode—the stealthing, but also a rape without penetration. 

I did too at first.  But then when he stood up he appeared to pull up his pants which made me question.  But he may have just been adjusting them.   Given the level of detail we saw in their initial encounter, I do think that if the show intended for the viewer  to believe penetration happened, the scene would have explicitly shown it.   

Edited July 1, 2020 by After7Only

[Adgirl]

On 6/27/2020 at 11:19 AM, Joimiaroxeu said:

I didn't understand what was going on in that gay scene. Why did the one guy think the other guy just wanted to watch? The "voyeur" actually seemed disappointed if not hurt to me. Plus, I wonder if he realized he might be on the verge of witnessing an assault and decided not to leave himself in that position.

Taking the condom off literally behind Arabella's back was heinous IMO. AFAIC Zain lost all his good guy points with that one move. And then he tried to convince her that he thought that's what she wanted too. Ugh.

It finally sunk in with me that this show is about the arguably murky waters of consent. However, so far it's been pretty clear to me whose consent has been violated. I guess some chose to interpret it as a universal permit. In their mind once someone agrees to one thing everything else is okay too, at least during a given session. I also suppose some people don't recognize (or chose to ignore) when someone is not in a state to give consent. And then there are the straight up rapists who don't care one way or the other. Your physical presence is all they require.

The "like" key isn't working and I really wanted to acknowledge this post. In many ways Zain is the worst. I find gaslighting particularly heinous.

Removing a condom or stealthing is illegal in the UK and Canada--not surprised the US hasn't acted on this yet.

This show is devastating and extraordinary. I absolutely love Michaela Coel and the story she's telling.

 

 

[MCMLXXVII]

I wondered why Kwame didn’t get a motel room with the new guy? Threesome with a stranger is the first option? Really? 
Or at least ask to borrow a friend’s place if money is tight.

Edited July 1, 2020 by MCMLXXVII

[PrincessPurrsALot]

Whether or not there was penetration, Kwame was raped.  The events in this episode so much spoke to consenting to one act does not mean consenting to all acts.  Consent can be withdrawn at any time. Arabella asks Zain to put on a condom, and then he gaslights her that he thought she knew and was okay with him taking it off when she couldn't see that he was doing it. Kwame willingly had sex with his hookup, then he was forcibly raped. 

While we can look at this like people making poor decisions, Arabella should be able to trust that someone she works with and chooses to have sex with will respect her boundaries, one of which was wear a condom.  Kwame should be able to trust that use a condom means use a condom.  He said no to bareback sex and in no way stated that he wanted to be overpowered.  The scary thing is that even outside of extreme situations these things happen all the time. 

[scrb]

Sure these were violations.

Doesn't seem like either Bella or Kwame will report their partners.

Arabella should have been able to trust Zain, a coworker.  But she had just met him, maybe spent a couple of hours with him at most.  So while they're coworkers, he's still a stranger.  How much trust can you place in someone you just met?

 

 

[auntiemel]

Grindr guy pulled Kwame's pants down, just in the back and just enough to uncover his ass, while he was pushing him down on the bed. I'm pretty sure he penetrated him.

Also, the most insidious part of the whole Zain thing to me was that he really didn't seem to think he'd done anything wrong. Otherwise, why even tell her? Why not just take the condom to the bathroom and flush it?

What kind of person do you have to be to violate someone's ONE expressed boundary like that and think it's not a BFD???

I wonder if that was kind of a way of dominating her because she had experienced so much more career success than him, when he clearly thought he was more deserving. I've known a lot of guys who would have felt that was fine. Even funny. 😕 That would explain why he told her. It's not as satisfying if she doesn't know she was violated. But he can still pretend to be the Nice Guy (tm).

Also, there's a good chance that he knows she was a recent rape victim. Her publisher is paying for the therapy, and she asked him "Good, or good considering?" and to me, that indicated she expected him to know. When he acted like he didn't, that was when I think she made the final decision to have sex with him. To do something that would make her feel "normal." With someone who didn't know what had happened.

But, in my mind, there is a better-than-even chance that he knew, and he chose that particular way to even the scales between them in his mind precisely BECAUSE he knew. Again, I've known assholes who wouldn't see anything wrong with that. But if that's true...it's magnitudes worse, in my mind.

To sexually assault someone that you KNOW FOR A FACT is still reeling from their recent sexual assault...and you know this because you've been hired specifically to help them with their work because they're not coping? FUCK YOU A MILLION TIMES. Seriously.