Toaster Strudel

I always pause for the mannequins.

I think Crystal with the live-in stalker has a huge problem with relationships and is sending him mixed messages... letting him stay, for example.

Tax Helter Skelter - The defendant vandalized the plaintiff's place of business from which she'd been fired. It looked like the handiwork of Charles Mason and his followers! JJ didn't care since the plaintiff not longer operated at that location. There were some accusations of stealing money that I didn't totally understand. The vandalism had some excitement potential, but overall this case was very limp. One gavel. Facebook Mechanic - Another bore! Some guy needs a new motor and takes his car to a mechanic he finds on Facebook, the car comes back dirty. Maybe I missed something between naps? Probably, but I wasn't going to rewind! One gavel. The second show has a theme... "non-refundable deposits" Kitchen Harley - Plaintiff needs money and sells his Harley. But he also wants a kitchen reno... so he trades with the plaintiff and changes his mind on the reno, and won't return the $2000 deposit. At some point the plaintiff borrows the bike for a weekend, but the bike wasn't running so he has it fixed for $417.00. He sues for that amount, and the deposit. He gets the deposit but not the $417 as punishment for wanting to ride the bike one weekend. That's JJ's America! Two gavels. Parvottweiler - Backyard breeder sells one of nine puppies to the plaintiff, but the puppy (and two others) die, presumably of Parvo. Let's just say that the backyard breeder isn't an assiduous vet client, she uses the Humane Society. I wonder who docked the puppies' tails. The defendant doesn't want to return the deposit because she offered another puppy from her diseased litter. Today I learned a new $50 word: "neglective." One gavel.

A Thud And A Scream - Defendant bumps two leashed dogs crossing the street, resulting in one fatality. The dead dog being a Yorkie, JJ's well of sympathy was exceptionally deep. I don't know how much our honorable heroine pays for her Yorkies but she seemed to think that the $1200 requested by the plaintiffs was a huge bargain. One gavel. Yabadabadoo! - The best thing about this case was the Flintstones themed wardrobe of the defendant. Wilma's hairstyle, only in black, and a fur jacket inspired by Barney's dashing prehistoric outfit. This lawsuit was about car payments and JJ's favorite, "emotional distress" for which he has such a soft spot - not. Flintstones plaintiff bought a dinosaur-mobile under her name for her asshole fiancé to drive. Not the usual $800 beater that is the meat and potatoes of so many cases, but a real car that cost real money and probably ran reliably - and wasn't powered by human feet sticking out under it. After the couple split each going into their own caves, the defendant stopped making payments, leading to possible repo. The plaintiff went to pick up the car on a rainy day and her degenerate of an ex took the windshield wipers out because they were 'old' like it would be safer to drive without them. The jerk also kept the remote and most of the keys. When JJ adjudicated, the plaintiff lustily shouted out: "Amen! Judge Judy is good!" In the hallterview, the idiot ex-fiancé said the consecrated words of the guilty party "it is what it is" - Three gavels.

JJ's America Is A Rough Place - This case is a slimy limo company owner suing a red head female driver for damage to his vehicles, while being counter-sued by her husband because the sneaky owner docked his pay for his wife's damages. The owner was pretty slippery. The drivers had no benefits and were contractual, but the contract did not specify the amount of deductible they'd have to pay in case of an accident. Therefore, cunning owner could change it anytime. Even more puzzling, shady owner stated that it was his decision whether to make an insurance claim or not, in which case (if I understand correctly) the driver might have to pay more than the deductible! I think that's unfair because it doesn't place a ceiling on the driver's responsibility and the driver is not the one making the decision or not. When the red headed wife was sacked for (perhaps) having too many accidents, wretched owner decided to deduct the amount (50%!!!) from her husband's paycheck. His employment was conditional on paying that huge percentage. The corrupt owner viewed this as an "agreement" but I view it as blackmail and coercion. The husband was sacked too when he complained, rightly, that taking money from a person's paycheck to pay someone else's debt was illegal, he got canned too. But in JJ's dog-eat-dog America, the wicked employer can do whatever the hell he wants with total impunity. Not cool. One gavel for every damaged vehicle, so, three gavels.

Did Dottie lose any weight during that whole show? She looked bigger at the end.

Everything But The Kitchen Sink - Let's see what we got here... a plaintiff named "Jinky," workman's comp to the tune of $4,400 a month, living in cars, renting a driveway, a broken lamp, a strangely well paid mover, a married boyfriend, calls to Family Services, Las Vegas, drugs, a video of a confrontation, nasty emails, surgery while living in a motel, gross financial mismanagement and a situation that makes no sense at all. If you're getting $4,400, that should cover a lot of living expenses, however, the plaintiff was living in her car... she couldn't rent an apartment because she has two cars? Urgh? Then when she moves out of the plaintiff's house, she pays the mover $300 and she lets him have all the stuff because she has no place to store it... yet sues for some cheap broken lamp? The defendant was vigorously nodding in the positive when drugs were mentioned. The plaintiff's affect was very flat. Three gavels because there's something for everyone!

Dodger - A custody fight over some boring dog. The plaintiffs had been wrongfully evicted, along with their 5 children. They couldn't keep the dog because the motels weren't dog friendly... they left the dog with the defendant and sometimes with a kennel. There was some allegation that the dog was matted and had overgrown nails at some point. The defendants said the "kennel" was some old lady that brought them the dog along with hot dogs and luncheon meat. Since the plaintiffs only rarely visited the dog... JJ shouted "get another dog!" and that was it. The female plaintiff looked like she was about to explode the whole time, but she was just a wet firecracker. One gavel. Delicious Sticker - The plaintiff's blotchy grey foundation was super distracting! That shade was all wrong! And if you are going to put the wrong shade... at least apply it evenly! Her baby ate a sticker at a daycare that got stuck on his palate and the hospital had to take it off. Rimmel makes a really cheap $10 foundation that's really opaque, there's really no excuse. She only had a $200 copay and couldn't prove that subsequent fever and other medical issues down the road were related to the sticker incident. After she puts on the foundation, she should apply some compact powder for a nice matte finish. Don't forget to apply on neck and chest if exposed. One makeup tip.

A trio! Crocodile Moat - This hilarious case concerns a $10,000 horse trailer that was put in the defendant's name since the plaintiff Yul Brenner had bad credit. Since the defendant had the trailer, was paying for it, there was only $1000 of it paid off, and it was in his name... not a whole lot JJ could do, not that she wanted to, to begin with. More interesting was the part about a restraining order, where the plaintiff took a video of himself goading the defendant "you're not gonna hit me, are you? You scary me!" So much dumb drama queenery. He got what he was asking for. Their interior decoration was white, grey, cheap and boring, I was really disappointed because these fellows were so colorful. At some point the plaintiff tried to make it sound like the defendant was medicating him against his will... he muttered "...pills from dead patients!" Really? The defendant and his home didn't look doctorly, who has access to dead patient pills, anyway? JJ shut that down in a blink's time. 4 gavels because we lurvs videos. Radio Voice - This was a hohum case of a young room mate not paying her share of the rent but her reason was just precious. See, they signed a lease with the landlord, the lease starts on a date that is known to both of them, but the defendant kept protesting that he started to pay the rent before she was ready, moved in before her, and didn't ask for her permission/opinion before paying the rent! So she owes him nothing LOL. I could listen to the plaintiff's smooth voice all day long. 3 gavels for original excuses. Ring And Car - This was a lightning case. The plaintiff wants a wedding ring band but didn't bring his own to exchange, something boring about a car that went nowhere, and a hallterview where both agree to go their separate ways. A real yawner! Zero gavels. Next show recap in a few hours!

Studious Sorority - How could these studious-looking young women, clad in sober browns and dusty pastel pink, refer to a meeting about their room mate being a mild slob an intervention? They've never even watched the show! Dirty dishes in the sink... leaving stove on... dirt on stove... big deal, wait until you have teenagers! Defendant quickly copped an attitude at the "intervention," started to clap her hands in their faces, "proceeded to walk away," and came back to serve knuckle sandwiches. She pleaded guilty and we know how JJ feels about claims of innocence overriding guilty pleas. My lawyer made me do it! Not in JJ's America! I'm pretty sure that the Studious Sorority lied about the Xanax and the alcohol because they didn't bring it up with Miss 'Tude during their pow wow. In the hallterview, they brought up my favorite kind of lies. Fabricated lies! Much more better than made up lies, invented lies, and let's not forget false lies. 2.9 pastel gavels. When Screwing, Size Matters - Defendant erected a TV on the plaintiff's wall in order to mount it. Unfortunately, he used the wrong screws. He needed thick, long, throbbing, sturdy screws to hold up the weight of the TV, not tiny, ineffective, limp screws barely filling the holes in the wall. Even worse, he didn't screw enough! Only a few screws were inserted where literally dozens of screws were needed. It's no surprise that the TV collapsed in exhaustion, bringing the wall down with it, a year later when the plaintiff's boyfriend walked past the mounted TV and overloaded the screws with jealousy. The plaintiff tried to shaft JJ with the price of the TV, asking for $700 rather than the $430 she paid on Boxing Day, some nerve! Another massacre in the hallterview with the plaintiff concern trolling us about televisions killing people when they fall. 3 1/2" slot-head screw.

Lethal Photo Shoot - The case was rather trivial but the hallterview histrionics were a treat! Who knew that taking a picture of a boy with a dog would cause the child to "die" and the adults involved to be all weepy and murderous? JJ decided to shoot down the counterclaim first, through noisy protestations from meddling "Illinois legal beagle" grandma and her thumb-faced daughter. The plaintiff had done the photo shoot for free in order to use the pictures for promotion, but then the defendant had kittens over the fact that the plaintiff had used the picture as intended... without her permission! Then she took the picture, added some commentary about puppy mills and broadcast it herself like some dumb meme. Urgh? They didn't seem to realize that the copyright belongs to the artist, in this case the photographer, not the mother of the photo subject. She liked the picture, didn't like the picture, there was a logo, the logo was removed, the plaintiff couldn't use the picture for promotion... FF to the hallterview, plaintiff's eyes are scarlet with tears and the defendant is all emo "He has autism and it's going to KILL him!" "She's DEAD to us!" So much hallterview bloodshed. 3.8 gavels, call the ambulance! Unbrided - OK so we have some enfeebled, geriatric "boyfriend" who is apparently married already, that "proposed" to some naive, dowdy youngster with 5 kids already. She has a ring! Oh wow! And he promised to pay for the wedding dress but stopped the payments... so she is suing him because he's not delivering on that promise. Also $750 from some dodgy internet scam check that he made her deposit... did it bounce? I forget. The venerable, homeless drunk looking fool spoke as if his rugged tongue was festooned with blisters and warts. Why did he give her the check to deposit? This is a multiple choice question. (a) lost his ID and wallet (b) he gave it to her because his unbride already has 5 children (c) he gave it to her just to hold in her account (d) she kept visiting him without permission! (e) move on to the next question. JJ had to give her a smack down because she looked depressed the marriage wasn't going to happen... she should cheer up with her good fortune. The hallterview was depressing... Unbride was weeping at the loss of her moribund, cretinous "lover" while he made her sound like deranged because, how could he propose to her when he's already been married happily for 250 years at least? 4 mummified gavels.

Maybe "doesn't want to be touched" is a euphemism.

Weeping Molly's BF is a grifter who wants to make a claim to the government that he cannot work ever for the rest of his life although he has toiled at DQ, the casino, and can pump gas. No payday for him! The defendant was gleeful in the hallterview, the penalties he got for beating Stoner Birth Defect as totally worth it! In fact it looked like he felt he got a huge bargain on the deal. No pity for the 3 weeks he spent in the hospital for a concussion.

I got it 2 months ago and am fully recovered and alive again! Just in time for new episodes!

I may resume recap duties next week... I got a kidney transplant, I don't have any excuses not to anymore!

Barfing plaintiff might have been dope or alcohol sick. That's my theory.

Did Judge Judy have to call out "Mister Bater" so many times? How did the audience not end up in stitches? OK I know it's not Bater but Bader, but that's what it sounded like to me! The case after that was with a Doctor Bader. Today's theme was Bader!

The duration of the marriage is inversely proportional to the cost of the nuptials ;)

It's very rare that I find the jeweled belts make the dress better but it seems every bride goes home with one these days!

I live for the catfish stories!

When Jeff told Melissa that she's the type of girl he'd normally run away from, I wanted to shout at him that this isn't a dating show! This isn't marriage! Suck it up buttercup it's only 21 days.

The best moment of the show was Ameena walking into Kleinfeld's wearing a pink Little Bo Peep dress. The consultant looks her up and down, and Shay announces that Ameena is fashionable. Nice save. You could see the wheels turning in his head "where do we keep the ugliest, craziest dresses that will never sell?"

I wasn't too thrilled when Bill was arguing with the Doctor and started with the drama... I've had enough of that with Clara for a lifetime.

Oh no, not the "Pnina 4019" for $13,300, again! I'm glad for Pnina (who is absolutely charming) that so many brides fall in love with this satin and crystal combo, but as a show viewer... enough already! When the bride said the budget is unlimited and she is willing to fly to Dubai with her entourage if she can't find a dress at Kleifeld's, I was hoping they'd milk her for at least 50K! 13K was a let down. Looks familiar? sigh. The twin and her sisters were funny and likable but there was way too much of them. I just want to see the bride try on dresses! Shay wasn't as annoying today, they showed him just the right amount and he wasn't fighting with our beloved Randi!

Best hallterview ever! A historic moment! "Don't trust anybody" ...except a drug-addicted, ankle-bracelet wearing sex offender that treats you well and is, get this, "good with the kids."