Toaster Strudel

MeowMan - The plaintiff bought a condo an rents it to cat hoarders, who once had 14 cats (from the pictures, they had a litter of kittens). The plaintiff started to get calls that the condo reeked and that there were flies and maggots. I'm so sad there were no maggot pictures, I was looking forward to being grossed out. The defendant got $5K for cleaning up the horrible smell. Interestingly, the male defendant spoke an odd combination of English and meowing. JJ gets irritated when teens finish their sentences with question marks? It drives her crazy? But what do you say when MeowMan covers a three octave range in the span of twelve words? Maybe he's the Rachel Dolezal of felines. He identifies as a cat. Three meows???? WhinyMan - After MeowMan, we are treated to WhinyMan. This guy rents an apartment he doesn't live in, but uses as a corner store, selling 'juice boxes and candy.' He is suing the defendant who complained to the police about it, believing he was selling drugs. He was super-sketchy! He showed a receipt for paying a lawyer (that he says uses since he was 18!). JJ asks for the number of the lawyer, but he dropped his phone in the bath tub the night before, I hate this when it always happens on JJ LOL. But JJ looked up the number herself and called the lawyer and he does not know the plaintiff. He asked that she call again later to check on the receipt number. While the case was being recalled, the sketchy WhinyMan found the lawyer's phone number too, and called him! It turns out, the receipt numbers don't match. WhinyMan also claimed that the manager knew and approved of this business. When JJ asked for the number, suddenly, there was a new manager! After the defendant called the police about this 'carry out' business she thought was drug-related, he uttered death threats and she got a protective order. He whine some more in the hallterview. Methinks he was selling more than juice boxes. 4 gavels. My theory: simulated cat ears.

ConfLeak of Interest - The defendant looked like doddling old man but he sure turned total psycho in the hallterview! The plaintiff was intelligent, stayed calm, answered JJ's questions, and had evidence. At first I thought the plaintiff had cosmetic repairs done in a different room after collecting from the defendant's insurance because his washing machine, who was above the plaintiff's condo, leaked real bad. It turns out the walls had gotten wet and they had to remove asbestos as part of the fix. The defendant kept insisting the walls were dry and the plaintiff was lying - despite photo and video evidence to the contrary. I feel sorry for the people that have to deal with this nut, who happens to head the HOA, too. Three gavels. Bike vs. Hole - A case involving bikes, backhoes, and torn excavator buckets! Right up JJ's alley! Just kidding. The defendant trades a bike, which is to be paid for by wage garnishment on the plaintiff. The defendant hanged himself lying on the stand. He said the plaintiff had the bike, but he wrote that he didn't want to give him the bike since it wasn't fully paid. He also said that the paintiff was laid off for lack of work, while writing that he had to fire him and hire someone else to 'fix his mistakes.' Two gavels.

I think Phil should have let these clowns shout at each other, only interrupting for commercial breaks. Then at the end, send them home with nothing but a souvenir video of the show. The last 15 minutes devoted to Robyn's face vaseline.

Looking For What You Don't Have Is Expensive - The plaintiff is pregnant with the douche-defendant and he's counter-suing for a cracked TV. Everything will go well for that child! NOT. She is suing for some expenses she incurred moving in with him, then out, after she found him back with his ex. I could really feel JJ's pain adjudicating this tedious nonsense. It got a little better in the hallterview when the defendant's douchiness went nuclear, boasting that the wronged, cheated on, and now pregnant defendant was way more into him than he was into her. If that wasn't bad enough, he topped it with a heartless "she got what she deserves." I hope he gets swallowed up by a sinkhole, never to be seen again. Two gavels, all for the hallterview. R.I.P Auntie Minoki - How did the dear departed get dragged into this dumb squatter case? One gavel. But tomorrow we have bad odors, maggot and fly damage! Five advanced gavels!

Canine Custody Case #5478928957 - Plaintiff has Great Dane puppy for less than 2 months, moves out with her boyfriend that has an aggressive pitbull and is ready to take the puppy to the pound but the neighbor takes the puppy in, agreeing it would be only for a few months Two years later, after bringing a couple of food bags twice for the 110 lb dog, she wants the dog back! The defendant countersues for vet bills, spaying, etc. JJ forgot to ask if the boyfriend with the pitbull was still living with the plaintiff. The plaintiff gets all sentimental claiming the dog knows she's her real mommy in the two visits she made in two years. Sure. The plaintiff didn't understand how things work in the hallterview, complaining that the defendant didn't treat the dog as family (as she claimed in court) since she wanted to be paid for her dog sitting and vet bills before giving the plaintiff the dog back. Three gavels. HANG UP THE PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Boy people are stupid. Clean looking plaintiff, who ironically is a government consumer advocate for the state of Idaho, gets a phone call from Hillbilly Bernie Madoff and his sour faced mother. Sour Face tells a compelling story of becoming filthy rich selling a product that no one seems to be able to describe with any degree of accuracy. First referred to as a "digital download of product" and later a "personal and business development training product" it's all very confusing. What everyone seems to be very clear on, though, is how to make money from this 'product' and how this all depends on roping in other suckers into the scheme. No disagreement here, everyone is on the same pyramid scheme handbook page. The plaintiff saw dollar signs when Sour Face told her a 'very compelling story' about how much money she was making from the 'product.' She gave $3K and a lot of jewelry as 'collateral.' I was horrified to hear she 'sold product' to some other sucker for $15K. Gasp! Hillbilly scammers just spent the money, she got no 'commission' for her 'sale' of 'product' which is why she was suing in the first place. The plaintiff said in the hallterview: "I thought I was really smart" LOL, while defendant dryly complains about being called a scammer. Byrd gets a hug! Five gavels, it must be sweeps.

500 For The Dog, Alex - Oh boy. A trailer with disputed ownership, two Pomeranians moving from trailer to basement to rooming house, drugs, jail, loaning your social security, seven dogs in a trailer... what I loved about this case is no matter how frail and feeble-minded an old bat looks, if the old bat is lying to JJ, even with the sweetest, meekest voice, JJ will not hesitate to serve us her wrinkly head on a platter. Remember this, Patricia Bean! 4 gavels for No-Pity-JJ at work. What's Your Address? - When JJ starts her case by doxing litigants, you know it's gun get gud. This one is about a goofball defendant who I think was wearing a fake army shirt with the word 'combat' on it, all in fashionable white on black, who serially stiffs his child's babysitters. Now we know JJ has no mercy for hustlers and she is blind to the uniform, real or fake. This did not go well for the defendant, who was shouting out that he had an 'agreement' with the sitter. JJ didn't want to see it. I doubt the sitter agreed not to be paid! He wanted to show off that he is now paying his current babysitter. Why, she's even getting retro pay! Congratulation for blurting out self-incriminating information, like you're late on your payments, fool! Watch the defendant practice for a WWF showdown in the hallterview. 4 gavels. Scamming 'Newlyweds' - The newlyweds were long in the tooth and experienced in the art of the scam. They hoped to renovate their whole house for peanuts, yet stiffed the defendant. They had to pay $14,000 to finish the work that the defendant didn't do. Worse, they were adding even more work without re-adjusting the estimate! JJ was not happy that the plaintiff lied and said she'd paid him $4000 when in fact she'd only paid $3000, having revoked a money order. She was so smug. She thought she had it in the bag. The defendant in the hallterview was pitiable, saying he may have just broken even, but I wouldn't be surprised if he lost money. Hustlers will hustle. 3 gavels because I revoked the 4th one. Fraulein Housemates - The defendant was very unclear on the concept of lease renewal and deliberately misled her room mate. She took her rent money and didn't pay the landlord, too. This one is a 5 gaveler! All five gavels were earned in a 20 second stretch where JJ helped the defendant make herself look so profoundly stupid and amoral that the entire courtroom erupted in a huge groan. There are so many GIFs to be made! Memes galore! Even Kelly Filkins' ghost thought the defendant was a shady simpleton. She continued to self-immolate in the hallterview "we're both at fault" - ah, no, that's not how it works. It's all your fault. Beer and bratwurst for everyone!

Tears For Free Rent - The litigants are some very interesting looking young ladies (in a good way!). Plaintiff (short blond peppercorn) was asking for everything from towels to emotional distress because she left a free rent situation on her own will having refused to have her boyfriend, who was almost living there), pay his share of the expenses. She got into a texting tantrum with the screaming-red lipped lipsticked defendant, who changed the locks after the plaintiff left. The best thing about this case is watching the plaintiff's misplaced outrage and tears, continuing in the hallterview, contrasting with the flat, robotic responses of the defendant. "She is dead to me," she declared, with glacial deadpan. 3.5 gavels. Skittles And Jealousy - I learned a new expression today 'Put the pieces to the puzzle.' Time to retire 'put the pedal to the metal!' as I have something fresher. This case is some non-exclusive boyfriend who busted a woman's door and window because she was entertaining another gentleman visitor. The defendant had pleaded guilty, and here's another new one, because he didn't want another round of legal trouble being already on probation and all that - like a guilty plea gets a medal. JJ asked him why he was on probation. He mumbled 'gun charges and domestic violence.' Now I am not the best reader of faces, but at that very moment I could see a huge blinking marquee on JJ's forehead that read GUILTY and I could hear deafening alarm bells go DING DING DING! She chit chatted with him about anger management, not looking like too bad a guy, etc. Then ruled for the plaintiff. Three gavels.

Guilty of No Insurance - The plaintiff drove with no insurance? Oh no! We've never seen this on JJ before! As usual though, she tried to pretend she was insured and/or didn't know she wasn't insured by showing sketchy paperwork. JJ sent her out to get something more legit and surprise! No insurance. The defendant was the plaintiff's son, who wrecked the car. He pleaded 'guilty' only to get out of jail fast! I thought this was refreshing from the usual 'my lawyer told me to plead guilty.' The case got hotter when JJ sniffed out a deadbeat dad and decided to save the state of Ohio some coin. The hallterview dialogue was a hot mess. "That's not him, that's such-and-such! No, that's my son" What the what? Three gavels for the lulz. Tappin'n'Slammin' - Mmmm road rage case, I love me some road rage cases. The dopey plaintiff cuts off a guy in the fast lane, reacts to being tailgated by 'tapping' his breaks. Sure to make things better! Cretin. Then roid-road-rage defendant got hot under the collar, passed passive-aggressive plaintiff on the right, got even hotter after being flipped, and cuts off Dopey. According to Dopey, who self-reported 'tapping' his breaks, roid-rage 'slammed' his brakes in front of him. I was ecstatic when JJ tossed them out unceremoniously. There was some good advice in the hallterview for anyone caught in a high-speed, fast lane, highway road rage incident: "WALK AWAY." Three slamming gavels.

No recaps Thursday & Friday, I'll be out of town!

Did you run out and need a new shipment? LOL

Serenity Now! - This is one of JJ's favorite cases, but it isn't mine! She loves to beat up on women that hold visitations from children's father, and file strategic restraining orders. Both litigants appear very poised in the courtroom, but a little bird tells me that they are animals at home. It appears that one day, the plaintiff was so involved with fighting with his new girlfriend, he forgot to feed his daughter. JJ ignored the fact that the father had called CPS. This case moved like frozen molasses. Barely one gavel, but tomorrow, two hags fight over a violin! Spitting Over Jane Fonda? - What the hell precious DVD workout set these three siblings were fighting over like so many gold bars? I want to know! These guys were practically making written agreements over who had custody, and where they should be kept, etc. The Rod Blagojevich defendant violated (JJ's word!) the agreement and the brothers got into a really stupid fight that involved spitting and a broken finger, then "he proceeded to hit me back." Frivolous use of "proceeded" always tickles my ribs on this show. One and a half gavel. Grandma Theft Auto - Grandma dies and leaves a 17 yr beater to her daughter that is in Alaska. Plaintiff enlists a friend in Washington to donate the rust pile so she can get a tax deduction, but defendant takes the car for herself. She wrecks it and the insurance gives her $3K because the accident wasn't her fault. She offered half the money to the plaintiff who demanded the whole amount. JJ gave her the value of the car, $625, served her right for being greedy. One and a half gavel. Skateboard T-Bone - These were nice, honest kids, but the defendant's dad was pushing for his son not taking responsibility. They were really really nice, the both of them. Zero gavels! I don't watch JJ to see nice, civilized people getting fair justice!

This show would be so much better without Gina. She's a terrible character and her voice grates on me. Can they run her over once more but with a freight train this time?

$1100 Emotional Distress - Clearly the plaintiff has never watched JJ. The litigants looked so well put-together in the court until you see the video. "Get outta mah cah!" "No this is my car too!" over and over again, and with unrestrained rage. Then the defendant, who claimed that it was the plaintiff that did it, is seen pulling out the rearview mirror. He also claimed to be making payments on the jointly owned car... well it turned out to be partial payments but let's not quibble! These two people "playing house" both filed for bankruptcy at some point. There was also a ring that the plaintiff claimed to have returned, and the defendant claimed that it was not given to him. The only people experiencing emotional distress are JJ and her 10 million viewers. Two gavels... one is for the video. Unregistered, Uninsured, and now Unroadworthy - The plaintiff paid off the defendant's credit card to the tune of $1500 in exchange for a car worth $625. The defendant can't find the registration, drags her feet getting a copy (in order words, she never gets it) so the plaintiff is driving with no registration and no insurance for 5 months until the car breaks down. JJ writes it off as a cheap car rental since she didn't pay registration or insurance. Then the defendants countersue for some junk they store in the plaintiff's house and have to pick it up in 5 days. One gavel.

Grandpa's Airport - JJ and I had so many questions throughout this case. Only she could ask them though :( - Pawn shop plaintiffs got busted by the popo for selling hot merchandise brought to them by some goofy, and probably high as a kite, strawberry-blond thief who eventually pleaded guilty and paid restitution for merchandise. The merchandise was very odd: twenty aviation headsets of various ages and nine portable defibrillators. Luminous hair color defendant told them that grandpa died, and owned many airplanes to explain it all. The truth is, he was working at an airport and stripping it of the equipment. How did the pawn shop guys not get suspicious with grandpa owning nine portable defibrillators? Who has that many, other than a medical warehouse or a huge public facility handling tens of thousands of people daily? How did they not get suspicious that they were brought in on many separate occasions? Why did it take so long for the airport to catch the thief? Don't they have cameras everywhere? The defendant was laughing and totally unrepentant under his gilded mane. He didn't take it seriously at all - that's why I suspect street chemical mood enhancers. The plaintiffs were playing dumb in the hallterview. "Our own form of due diligence" uh-uh "we tried to do the right thing" sure, for your profit margin. The resplendent haired criminal was self-aware, at least: "no life of crime for me, I'm just too stupid not to get caught." OK I added that last part but it was implied! Four gavels, it's not every day we get jolted by a defibrillator-related case. Curly Red Man Bun - The plaintiff's hairdo, and jazzy suit pocket handkerchiefs were the best things about this case of some guy who bought a used Mercedes with rims and tinted windows at a discount because the defendant still owed $4K on it. The plaintiff's diamond earrings were very big, but not as big as JJ's, I checked. One gavel.

An owner that leaves his dog's turds on the grass probably isn't fastidious with his pet's oral hygiene!

But they never see it happen as they always serendipitously look the other way!

Righting Unwrongs - One cousin claiming to be in a domestic abuse situation moves the junky automotive hoard she was keeping inside her house to her cousin's house, the defendant. She brings a couch, a bed, greasy car parts, big, dusty ol'rims, a car amp... and even brings useless crap from some dodgy storage unit. She never sleeps in the cousin's house, presumably her new digs, because she's out partying with her friends. The best part is the hallterview, where we learn the definition of "NEVER AGAIN": "this isn't the first time and it won't be the last" short-circuiting my brain's space-time continuum and flipping all negative values into positives and vice-versa. -2.5 gavels The Driving Chameleon - The cameleon-eyed defendant was hit on the passenger side door by a teenager that claims to have made a very good stop and didn't notice the chameleon's car because the lights were off. Maybe it was camouflage! Despite the above facts, the defendants nearly lost because the stupid was so strong on their podium. You'd think a driving chameleon would be more prone to accidents than a sharp-eyed teenager, this was not in their favor. But then the chameleon fled the scene... drove 1 mile... called the person than sold him the car "Berniceka - get it right or else!" because she was still insuring it... she pretended she didn't know the chameleon but after some digging, she did... Luckily for them as soon as they pointed out they got hit on the side, JJ's wrath turned on the green acrylic nail plaintiff. Melodramatic mom was born to do JJ hallterviews: "My daughter came to a complete stop!" Ah, you weren't there, you dumb snowflake enabler. "I couldn't imagine what my child looked like!" Thanks for your concern for the people whose car she hit. Was anyone even hurt? She couldn't have been going that fast if she lightly rolled the stop, save your tears for real tragedies. "...but thank the lord" yes thank the lord for having such first world problems. 3 gavels.

A Virtuous Slob - Ah! The classic shitty dog owner that pretends not to notice when he dog is stopping, taking a shit on the grass where people and children walk on, and vigorously wiping the ground. What a great tool a cell phone can be to perpetrate that obvious charade? You can bet that disgusting clod did it often, he looked so slick and practiced while doing it in the video. I can't blame Retired Cop for being furious, since he lived closer to the impromptu dog toilet than the dirtball defendant. The plaintiff wanted to give him righteous hell, but I didn't like the way he was polishing the turd to make it look like he was calm and rational. The buffoon had the audacity to respond "What's it to yah?" so his little dewy eyed, pure and virtuous, poor little rabbit demeanor in the court room didn't fly with me. When he explained that he would groom the dog outdoors in a public place and would gather the fur in a ball and take it home to put in the garbage, the whole Strudel clan burst out into laughter, we had to pause. Yeah sure, you routinely leave animal stools in everyone's way but you're fastidious with hair! Hahahaha kill me now. JJ saw through it too, exclaiming: "You're the kind of guy that doesn't pick up after his dog." Yes ma'am, that's exactly what this swine is. The plaintiff brought him a bag to pick up that day's leftover turd, and yesterday's, but the defendant's stupid dog bit the plaintiff. I get that the dog was defensive, but the defendant was probably pretending that the dog wasn't aggressive and probably was delighted when he bit. My speculation here. I was afraid the whole time that JJ would dismiss the plaintiff's case because he should have known better than to stick around a agitated dog, but dammit it's still the owner's responsibility. I was relieved when JJ awarded him more than his insurance deductible. And the Oscar goes to the defendant in the hallterview: "I try to be a good neighbor" - no you don't, jerkwad. You're the worst kind of neighbor. 4 blood-boiling gavels.

Am I the only that noticed his drenched armpits?

An hour is too long. They think we want to see the drama; but we only care about dresses.

It's like he's sweating tar.

True, but selling creams as if it can make others look like they've had constant plastic surgeries is deceitful.

The real stars of last night's show were the huge sweat stains on Shay's armpits when he was wearing that gray T-shirt. When he had his arms up, carrying two wedding dresses for Queen and showing them to Randy, their rich, dark contrast with the light jersey fabric was a sight to behold. After that, I had to be satisfied with little peek-a-boos of the stains when his arms were down. Adorbs! I wonder what intriguing, salty aroma he left behind in the dressing room, and in his wake everywhere he walked. I was disappointed later when he was shown with a shirt and a sweater on top, and I was deprived of the privilege of checking the sweat situation.

I always assume that a vow renewal is to celebrate a reconciliation after a particularly outrageous cheating spell.

Please Melissa, stop dousing yourself with gallons of salad dressing or cream pies when you host SNL. It's not funny past the age of 7.