CletusMusashi

Hmm. I guess Euron is what Negan is supposed to be. To truly be Negan, though, he'd need about forty-five more minutes of dialogue every week. Euron is a very talkative villain, but he stops just in time, while I'm still chuckling at how outlandish he is. I think I am going to start calling his battle axe "Hew-cille," though. (And I want to get one of those kraken jackets for myself!)

Let's see... what else? 1. I think it's hilarious that the Dothraki traveled all that distance just to work as bouncers. Well, what do they expect? No shields. No armor. And they forgot about allegedly being archers years ago. So while the eunuchs get the big manly battle gigs, the Doths are standing around saying "Yo, gotta take your sword, brah. I'll stamp your hand so you can get it back later." 2. Tyrion knew immediately that Ser Davos was "The Onion Knight." So I think we can guess how they will get food and supplies to Casterly. 3. Euron is a weird, ridiculous, almost buffoonish Villian Sue, and I should just want him off my show. But he's so bad that I'm starting to find him hilarious. Come on, the black leather jacket with the kraken on back, like he's pretending to be a 50s biker? There's only so stupid you can make something before I kind of love it. 4. I understand the Dr. Branhatten schtick, but... really? You want to make your least cinematic character emote less? Interesting choice. 5. I absolutely love everything they've done at The Citadel. Hell, even Ser Friendzone developed a noticeable sense of humor there. Probably didn't hurt that Sam was so ridiculously freakishly good at surgery that they were able to remove every trace of the pathogen without even chafing SFZ's perfect five day beard. But still, I loved every second of what they've done there. Which worries me a lot. Because Kindly Archmaester Guy is way too positive a father figure to survive the season. 6. Was that actually Lena we saw nude, or a body double? Not that she ever looked bad, but if that was her: whatever the hell she's doing now works. As they say in Dorne: Giggety! 7. I think even Missendei is a little bored with the list of titles. She had the same tone of voice as an airline stewardess pointing out where the exits are. 8. Melisandre really never mentioned bringing Jon back from the dead? What the fuck did they talk about all this time, football? 9. Makes sense that Jaime is coming into his own as a military commander. He and Tyrion were both taught by their father. And they both worked with Bron. Jaime has the advantage of working with Bron after Bron has learned to anticipate Tyrion. 10. Where the hell is Salladhor Saan? He's missing out on a whole pirate themed season! That's why the Sand Snakes lost, you know. Pirates beat ninjas. Anyway, if he wants to beat out Captain Urine and Jaime Hook and have a chance at Cersei, he needs to hurry. 11. Remember the time someone didn't call Joffrey a cunt? Heh heh. Me neither.

Well, that is the traditional method for dealing with evil queens.

Now that it is officially a major episode-devouring plot point, I am sick as hell of hearing about The North. Oh, what I'm about to say is true of other areas as well... The Riverlands, I'm looking at you! But "The North" is especially sanctimonious about acting like their own country, while still being too fucking lazy to have anything resembling a name for this theoretical nation! I have tolerated years of "Essos is east of Westeros, Westeros is west of Essos" laziness already. Hey, Arya, you really don't know what's west of Westeros? It is obviously going to be called Mericos or something. I think I have officially heard the term "King of The North" one too many times. You know what Jefferson Davis didn't call himself? King of The South! You know why? Because "The South" or "The North" is a really shitty name! Was it that hard for GRRM to come up with something for them? I mean, the bar isn't that high anyway! He could have just called them Scotlos, and we would have shrugged and said "Well, it's no stupider than the other names..." If the argument with Dany was about being "Warden of the North" versus "King of Scotlos!," well, sure, I would still think the naming was silly. But there would at least be a sense that the Scotlosians have some sort of national history and identity. Dany is trying to have serious political discussions with each of the seven historical "kingdoms," and, as far as I can tell, the only place where anybody whatsoever even tried to come up with a name was Dorne. Which is named after a traveling bard known for portraying lumpy-headed barbarian ship officers from Klingos, so it barely counts as legit...

This was the one where I finally figured out what this show is. It is what would happen if you used genetic engineering to turn "The Nanny" into "Malcolm in the Middle." And... I'm okay with that.

If we're only talking big bads and their top henches, not minor bads like Olaf or the Gorch brothers, then Faith and The Mayor win Best Evil Team, hands down. I guess I'd rank the biggies, in order, as : 1: Mayor and Faith 2. Spike and Drusilla (much better than Angelus.) 3. Adam and The Initiative. I liked them. 4. The Master and his cult. Cliched, but well done, espcially if you include Darla. 5. Dark Willow. Shitty buildup, and shitty finish, but she did have a fun rampage. 6. Glory and Reverand Talkypants. My favorite thing about them was the comedy relief minions. Least favorite thing: The hamhanded addition of Dawn. 7. The Worst Evil. A villain so needlessly and gratuitously loquacious that, were it created today, it would be called Ghost Negan.

Do the boats they stole have GPS?

"The Old Man and the Sea" is literally the worst book I've ever read. First of all, pronouns weren't really Hemingway's forte. So you end up with narrative like: "Santiago was fishing. Santiago liked to fish. Santiago was in a fishing boat, fishing. For fish. Santiago wore a hat. On Santiago's head. Because Santiago liked to wear fishing hats." As hilarious as that could be, for, like, two pages, listening to that go on and on for an entire book had better actually be describing something interesting. Nope. Santiago catches a fish and then Santiago spends 99 per cent of the book being dragged around by the fish that Santiago caught while Santiago was fishing. Every now and then Santiago deals with rain or eating or spends an entire chapter reminiscing about the time that Santiago arm-wrestled a Negro and Santiago defeated him with Santiago's arm-wrestling arm. Yes, that is an actual chapter. There are books I simply didn't finish that I shrug off as "Well, I guess it just wasn't for me," and that I don't have that level of "How the fuck are you considered a great writer?" about. But, TOMatS is special. All I can say is that, with a narrator like Hemingway, Santiago was lucky to have an awesome name like Santiago. Imagine how much worse it could have been if Santiago were named Jeff or Kyle. Instead of Santiago, who liked to fish. I loved Tolkien's "Hobbit" and short stories, but just can't stick with "Lord of the Rings." It's full of tropes that I like, hell, it even invented some of them, but the writing style just bogs me down and puts me to sleep. Also, I love everything by Christopher Moore, but I gave up after a few chapters of "Sacre Bleu." Caring about anything that happened seemed way more dependent on knowing all about eighteenth century painters than about what seemed to be the increasingly unlikely odds of a scene just being interesting in its own right. "Lamb" didn't require the reader to be an expert on history or theology. "Fool" didn't require you to be familiar with "King Lear." But "Sacre Bleu" is obviously not meant to be enjoyable to just any slob that picks the book up and follows the chatacters as written. So I shrugged and said "screw it." I guess maybe I could include "Ulysses," by James Joyce, as a book I gave up on that might be as bad as ToMatS. It did feel like the writer was pretty far up his own ass trying to impress English teachers instead of actual readers. But if I'd gritted my teeth and waded through a few more chapters, maybe it would have gotten good. I can't technically say it doesn't. But, yeah, that's one that I bailed out of pretty quickly!

About Dany's conversation with Varys: It was long overdue, so overall I was glad to see it. I understand why it didn't happen the second they met: when he first came to town she was elsewhere, and after that she was busy, but I agree that at this point it was kind of "um... why now?" The best hypothesis I can offer is that he was really, really annoying on the entire boat trip over. Trying to outsnark Lady Olenna for that long probably put his superbitch powers into hyperdrive. Dany isn't used to boats, so she's just trying to keep the barf down while standing there quietly and regally in her George Washingron pose, and the entire time Varys is making one smug, sarcastic quip after another, and by the time they finally get off the boat he's on her last nerve, so after she gets her bearings back she finally just vents! I do kind of love the zany mismatched group that she's accumulated as her posse. It's like "300," except shown from the point of view of the Persians. (If the random giant frankenmonster guy was with the Greeks.)

I'm still holding out for him to get violently buggered by Shagga, son of Dolf. But those hill guys seem to have been completely forgotten.

I think they were already full of that plump British pop singer they'd eaten half an hour ago.

My guess is that they can only really turn people. I know, we've seen zombie horses. But if those are the only four-legged wights, and do not seem to be overwhelmly common or useful, then I am inclined to write them off as collateral. Maybe, sometimes, if a human on a horse is mobbed by wights, and both man and horse die at close range, in close contact, then the zombie mojo leaks over into the horse a bit. But they can't just randomly turn, say, a herd of mammoths. Which is why the wall is still standing.

Reek doing a mismatched buddy movie teamup with one of the Sand Snakes could be amusing. And then they could double-date with Grey Worm and Missendei.

Remember in "Raiders of the Lost Ark," when Indiana stowed away by hanging onto the top of that submarine? And apparently the submarine didn't know it was a submarine, so it politely stayed right on the surface for him the entire time? Well, if Theon decides to follow Urine by hanging on to a ship, it'll be the same schtick, basically, except that sailing ships can't go under water, so at least that part makes sense. Arya's table manners are a lot like The Hound's. Can't wait to see her sit down and eat with Sansa. Funniest blink-and-you'll-miss-it line of the week was when Hot Pie was giving advice on how to create the perfect pie and Arya muttered "I didn't do that." Is Ser Friendstone now Ser Sore-ah?

Sucks to be Jorah and Sam. I liked when sam realized that he might want a shot himself first. Where'd all the milk of the poppy go, though? And why does everybody in a world based on medieval northern Europe suddenly have rum? Is this season sponsored ny Bacardi? Is Captain Jack Urine their new mascot? Not clear on how skinning somebody with a disease that quickly and immediately spreads by touch is likely to work. Sam is so good at this that not one bit of pus from the removed tissue got onto the newly exposed tissue? What is he, a Bolton? I'm ashamed to say that I actually almost kind of liked Littlefinger for a few seconds. When word was announced that Tyrion Lannister was working for Danaerys Targaryan and wanted to meet with Jon Snow, even Baelish forgot about plotting for a minute and just got the same almost-giggly expression that the rest of us constantly watch this show with. He might as well have been suddenly eating popcorn.

Basically whoever shows up in leather cracking a bullwhip. I mean, the previous king's entire secret service consisted of one guy with an axe, so it's not like "stable infastructure" is one of the core principles that Xenaville was founded on. Oberyn Martel was the only A-list character to emerge from that loony place, and, even in his case, you could make a fairly sound argument that his cause of death was over-acting.

Wow. The Gus scenes can step up the pace any time now. Apparently Dutch is getting all the good scenes over on "The Bloodmaiden's Tale." How long until Eichorst pops in and sees her, though?

I'm kind of a sucker for any reference whatsoever to "Hungry Hungry Hippo."

What do you call a dwarf in a cold swimming pool? Peter Shrinkage.

I thought Shireen was dead. How the hell did she come back as a male pop star?

We won't really know whether or not Baby Bear is all talk until we see her actually fight. Of course, there's more than one way to fight, I'd be fine with seeing her actively commanding field troops while, recognizing her physical limitations, staying back from the actual fray. I'd also be fine with her weapon of choice being something like a crossbow. But as long as she's just a child bragging about how fearless she is, there's going to be room to question whether she's suicidal or just full of shit. I personally suspct that she's neither of those things, but it might play better if they show rather than tell. At least sneak her into a training montage somewhere.

So if it hits them anywhere, they probably explode. Good.

Casterly Rock has a sewer system. Tyrion was in charge of it before he became the Hand of (slapping) Joffrey. So, maybe after the continent gets its shit together, he can organize something to flush that shit away. Not entirely sure how useful dragonglass really is. I mean, yeah, you'd rather have it than not. But does it have to go right into the heart in ordrer to be useful? Kind of hard to really do under batlefield conditions. Archers were effective in combat by using their super Robin Hood powers against individual targets, but by sending thousands and thousands of arows at areas where there were thick concentrations of the enemy. Some would go through armor, some would be stopped by armor. Some would hit areas that weren't covered bt armor. Some would miss, some would hurt, some would kill, either slowly or quickly. But they weren't generally used by saying "OK, I'll shoot the third guy from the left in his heart, you aim for the fourth." I'm sure a little bit of designated snipery took place utilizing the very best shooters, but with a bunch of peasant recruits who are just trying to hit someone before getting rushed, the secret is huge, huge, huge numbers of arrows rather than excesive concern about exactly where they land. And if the dead get past the wall and start turning soldiers with metal armor, then obsidian arrows aren't gonna do shit. The best anti-WW weapons, in my opinion, would be dragons (if they can handle the cold,) wildfire (if it can be obtained,) and plain old-fashioned man-made fire. Thrown from catapults, ideally. But I'd actually rather use a plain old torch to try to burn one of them than try to get an obsidian point into its heart on the first try, before either my weapon breaks or the ice zombie kills me. Although... maybe very, very long torches, used like pikes? With guys in back for refueling, and then everybody has short obsidian spears for if it does turn into a melee? Use the obsidian arrows (or ballista spears,) for re-killing giants. And hope like hell that they didn't turn any bears or mammoths. It's a shame nobody ever had time to capture one of the things and experiment on it. Learn what the rules are. Because going into a battle with no idea at all whether or not one of your glass blades to the belly or ribcage is going to bother it at all is a huge disadvantage.

Watch the gift be something ridiculously anticlimactic, like, he just comes back wearing a banana hammock and waggling his eyebrows at her.

Watching Littledick hang around Jon and Sansa means, inherantly, that he is plotting something that involves Jon and Sansa. So the question is, what scheme could he concoct that fits the full Littlefiner checklist of being a. Sleazy, b. Complicated, c. Dependant on him having to persuade the marks to do what he wants. By talking. A lot. In his Batman voice... and d. Allowing him to bang a redhead. I think he's going to convince Sansa to marry Jon. This way they don't have to worry about some long-lost cousin saying "A bastard or woman can't rule Winterfell. I'm the true lord!" It also kind of spackles over those weaknesses to outsiders; the North doesn't really seem to care, but other kingdoms might prefer to deal with a lord who is somehow legitimate, and being married to a high-ranking nobleman would help with that. it would also make LF appear, in Jon's eyes, to be less ambitious, more of a non theatening beta male wing man type. Making it easier to arrange for Jon's death, after which LF could marry Sansa and live happily ever after. Or at least until he killed her in order to shack up with a younger redhead. If the JonTar reveal comes sooner rather than later, then the bastard factor is a non issue. But the reveal might mark Jon to the northerners as Less Northern, which could be alleviated by marrying back into Winterfell. And if he's the true heir to the Iron Throne, then the reasons it might be politically wise for Sansa to marry him go through the roof. So either way, same plan, different arguments for it, same eventual outcome.