CletusMusashi

Cronenberg? I love this already!

Arya hasn't seen Sansa since Season One. I wasn't a fan of S1 Sansa for pretty much the same reasons that Arya wasn't a fan of S1 Sansa. So the suspicion is quite understandable. Just as Sansa's reaction to Arya's list was "Oh, same silly little girl who thnks she's a warrior..." it's still reasonable for Arya to look at Sansa and remember the girl who wanted to marry a prince so badly that she was willing to cover up the fact that Joffrey was a sadistic and unstable little cunt.

Even when saying "Bend the knee or die," Danaerys is willing to take a litle bit of time discussing it with each individual person. As far as Jon killing Ollie goes... come on. Who the hell didn't want to kill Ollie?

I figure if Gendry's hammer hadn't killed those guards, eating old whorehouse crabs out of random boats probably would have. And what was up with "Duhhh... weren't we looking for a dwarf with a scar?" His name's Tyrion Fucking Lannister, guys. It was the biggest news on the continent quite recently. That was like not quite remembering O.J. Simpson.

Those dragons have gotten ridiculously huge. I accept that right now there were enough corpses on the battlefield, both human and equine, to keep Drogon fed for at least a week. But in peacetime? In winter? Or while just flying in circles around Dragonstone? Fishies and seagulls are gonna run out pretty quickly. And by "quickly," I mean, in, like, two or three minutes.

I'm mostly okay with how Bronn rescued Jaime. It's a river, not an ocean, so the deep part was probably only a couple yards wide. As lomg as it's muddy and/or splashy enough that they can keep a low profile crossing over to the other side, I can suspend disbelief on that at last as easily as can on, say, blowing money on a full suit of plate armor and then running around without a helmet. Hell, as smokey as that batle area was, visibility was pretty much gone anyway. You know what I'm still struggling with a little, though? Jaime actually took the time in all that firey tackley drowny chaos to put his sword back into its scabbard. Left handed.

Well, we almost did, Dany: "They're beautiful, aren't they?" Jon: "Yes, they're spectacular. I can hardly believe they're real. Oh, and the dragons are cool too."

Actually, she's already had four kids, so the prophecy is already a tad wonky. Remember back in the pilot, when she told Cat about the black-haired child of Robert who died as an infant? Or, based on the show's insistance on treating Gendry as important... probably not so dead. "Hmf! I refuse to raise the children of anyone except my own twin, because I'm a narcissisitic weirdo that way... hey, you, random forgotten minion guy, go deliver this baby to the sausage factory or whatever it is we do here..." "Yes, My Queen!" followed by a sort of Snow White schtick where he secretly lets the baby live and grow up to be a pain in the ass. But even if that hypothesis is way ovethinking it, she's still already had four babies. Hopefully this time she dies giving birth to it. And it's a dwarf. And as soon as it's born it drinks all her wine and kicks Jaime out the window. Or, alternately, maybe she's been cheating on her brother with FrankenMountain. It'll weigh thirty pounds, have a full set of teeth, and come smashing out of her yelling "Oh YEAH!" And then it'll rampage around the bedroom smacking Jaime and Euron's heads together like coconuts. Hey, still more likeable than Joffrey...

Was it just me, or did April seem even ditzier after her "upgrade?" On original viewing, I took it to be that phony "boop boopy doo" stage-dumb, and that all they really did was reapir some robotic shit and give her a makeover. Which still isn't that far from what I think happened. I think they repaired some robotics, gave her a makeover, and then she ran with it, trying to act as sexy as possible... while still under the influence of a shitload of surgical anasthesia. I don't think the time travel is even going to reach accuracy levels of "Bill and Ted." I expect to see Megalodons, Tyrannosauri, maybe Hitler as a quick comedy relief death, and if they need sidekicks it'll probably be The Knights of The Round Table. None of this is bad. Just more observations of silliness. To me, the weakest installment seemed to be #2, because I did not at that time know how far they were willing to stretch this idea. But since then it has grown. It's not just a series of movies. It's a weird, overbloated series that only comes on once a year. No beginnings, no endins, just a never ending serial on steroids. And, once you really get your brain around that idea, then... what better subject matter could you possibly have for such a thing than time traveling tornados full of sharks?

About Jaime: I don't think he's as close to pure evil as Cersei. Hell, I don't even think he's as evil as Papa Tarly. "Hey, you know what would make these soldiers work better? Whipping them!" "Um, can't we try just telling them to hurry up first?" But he is a douche bag. Like Cersei and Tywin, he is perfectly capble of using a veneer of civility and even kindness, but just like them when he's under stress that veneer crumbles rapidly. He inherited a lot of his father's "We're better than anybody else, especially the lowborn" bullshit from Tywin, and a lifetime around Cersei didn't help that any. Bronn is the best right hand man money can buy, and Tyrion appeciated that. Jaime was getting extremely dickish about a "lesser" person getting uppity with him about being cheated. I'm not even sure how many hero points I give him for the regicide. I mean, wasn't he in the city that Aerys was about to burn up? it's nice that everybody else got saved, too, but I think a big part of his motivation was that he didn't want to burn to death as collateral damage. Just like if Bronn had ended the war by killing Drogon and Dany, I'm sue there are lots of southerners who would consider him a hero. But once he had that scorpion, he wasn't shooting it to be a hero. He was shooting it to avoid being Dothraki-stomped or turned into crispy-fried dinosaur chow. About rescuing Jaime: I'm not sure any swimming will even be necessary. The deep water is literally right next to the shallow water. Just sort of crawl-hurdle onto the higher section of ocean floor, and water will be immediately shallow enough to stand up. Or... maybe Euron will teleport by real fast and fish him out with a magnetic anchor.

Davos, I guess. That's why they're so inseperable. He's a man of many skills, and this is one that he never really got to use on Stannis.

You know why I'm sure Jon and Danaerys are going to have sex? Because it will be yet another way to torture Ser Friendzone. I figure the dragon will be less injured than we expect. She'll fly back to Dragonstone. Dragonstone, miraculously, will be unconquered, despite her not leaving anybody there except Varys and Missendei, one of whom is busy reading dirty ravens from Grey Worm. D and J will boink, and the next morning Jorah will show up. Jorah: "Khaleesi! I finally got my rocks off!" Jon: "Way ahead of you, dude."

Dany just wants Jon to bend the knee because Varys had a wildchild spy reporting everything that happened in the last cave that Jon was in. If Bronn rescues Jaime, he's entitled to some gold for it. In other words, Jaime should give Bronn a hand. Both armies waiting to use their archers until everybody is crowded together is just... stupid. Much as I like the dragons, I think some people are overestimating how likeable te dragons are. To me, they are awesome. If they were attacking me, they would quickly shift from "endangered species" to "terrifying monster." Think how scary a saltwater crocodile or great white shark is, then how scary they would be if they could fly. Now make them bigger, give them firebeath, and make them apparently quite willing to fight a prolonged battle against your entire army. Bronn fighting off a dragon is no more a case of "Bronn-hulk SMASH puny endangered species!" than it would be if he were banishing a demon. A very, very large, very, very aggressive demon. That breathes fire.

Interesting that Summer didn't really put the moves on Haemorrhage until he started waffling around and sounding like her father.

Tyrion: Well this isn't nearly as much fun as I expected. "They'll all be there," she said. "You'll be amazed at what they can do," she said. Bloody fucked up Dragonstone Castle accoustics! She said "Dothraki hordes," didn't she?

Dragonstone needs better security protocols. I know that Jon and Davos aren't going to ambush Dany and Missi in the mine and slaughter them, and I believe that Dany also believes that, but shouldn't... whoever the hell is on guard duty.. want to send a bunch of people along anyway? I actually don't know who's doing anything. There didn't seem to be any servants left in the castle when they arrived, but Dany and Missendei, and, yes, Jon still have access to hair stylists. Maybe the Dothraki women and children came along and are doing all the peripheral stuff, but if so we should be seeing them. Is Varys like Alfred Pennyworth, dusting the entire mansion in between strategic sessions?

Points to Meera for mentioning Summer among the dead. Dire wolves are people too, dammit. About Bran: here's my take on it. He can "see" everything, theoretically. But he's still limited in how much he can focus on. If there are ten people in a room, sure I can see them. If I focus on them, I can even remember what they looked like. But if there's also a monkey dancing around on a table playing the harmonica, I might not really notice much else. Bran has got a whole barrel of harmonica playing monkeys in his head. Some things are higher on his consciousness than others. Local incidents, for example, stand out more than distant ones. And if it's something that happened far away to the person right in front of him, then it stands out more than if it happened far away to, say, Random Bird Cage Head Woman From Season Two. So you know what monkey song is playing really loud when he and Meera talk about their time together? It's a song called "Bran and Meera's Time Together." For most of it, he was dragged around uselessly, watching his friends die for him in between changes of his diaper. At the time, he did a respectable job of adapting to his handicap, but now, as a newly three-eyed raven, every unpleasant memory comes back to him with its original emotional impact. And during most of the moments that he wasn't either ashamed or terrified, he has to watch how fucking boring his story arc was. Except for Osha! Talking to Sansa or Arya or Litlefinger or whoever brings things he didn't really know before into the forefront of his consciousness. Having Meera around sucks his consciousness back into a very shitty time period that he would prefer to leave behind.

No need to defend it from me. I watched the entire thing and was laughing right along with ya.

I feel sorry for "Game of Thrones." Who could possibly compete with this masterpiece?

I'm gonna guess that Chip's dad is the cement guy with the crush of Micky.

I asume that the reason Euron's fleet seems to be everywhere is that he's spread the fleet out. None of the things we've seen him do require a thousand ships in one place. Twenty or thirty in the right place at the right time is more than sufficient. What he needs more than super travel speed is a really good communications system. So what are they doing, checking in at the local post office every day fo raven messages?

How did Ygritte make a snowman?

Oh, OK, right! She still needs a throne, though, and that thing does look intimidating. Also, while they think that Jon saw something, I don't think for a minute that what she is envisioning comes anywhere close to the scope of this actual threat. Smashing your throne to splinters on the say-so of a guy you just met, who won't even accept you as his queen, is a bit more accomadation than I would expect from anybody. Dany is probably picturing something along the lines of "Yeah, that magic shit is scary. Let me tell you about the time I met one wizard guy who could make himself look like about twenty." She probably thinks his perception of thousands of ice zombies was the result of being scared shitless by about a hundred.

The throne is made of melted sword blades. So, iron and carbon. Obsidian is mostly silicon. You could mass-produce it by having dragons blast flame onto the right kind of sand or stone.

Ellaria could still surprise us. Maybe she'll make a bone shiv and turn Gregor into Frankencyclops.