methadonna

It’s sing-along time! Black socks, they never get dirty, // The longer you wear ‘em, they stronger they get. // Sooooometimes, I think I should wash them, // But something inside me, keeps saying, “Not yet” (Not yet not yet not yet ... ) This is the 2nd time I’ve seen this on the boards, is this a thing? Or just an AutoIncorrect issue? The Power of a Thousand Nuns: The E! Medium Hollywood Story: The road to technospiritual advancement is paved with Samsungian disasters. Until just recently, PapaG and his inner circle of charlatans have been able to keep the disaster that occurred during their early days of the 867-5309 (Starts with J) / Ooh Heaven Can Call Any Place on Earth mashup bridge experiment top secret, as it remained highly classified in The House of Vatican until a recent leak resulted in its being sold to NadirOnline by an unidentifiable anonymous source known only as Staffofthemanorofadrienne. Prior to successfully switching his unlimited plan with Horizon to the $0.99-per-minute AscendToThetans service, Papa God, the document Notes, had limited his omnipotence to reaching out across the Galaxy 7 not to random pay-per-call cons but to a sample group of 1000 nuns, whom Papa God, of course, liked to call Sistah Nuns. Tragically, Papa God did not understand and feared the potential of a firewall as purgatory unleashed, and, with one bad setting, ironically resulted in a three-way (call) with Daddy Satan. It was here that the first trial of using technology to bridge that gap blew up in Papa God’s pocket. Papa God, luckily, just suffered from a melted pocket. Sistah Nuns did not fare so well, with the tragedy beginning with hundreds of simultaneous burning bushes. Having been sworn to an earthly life of poverty, the Sistah Nuns hid these spiritless androids out of Habit (starting with those who hot-ly used theirs as directed per MiKeyUltra to Pat the Pass), resulting in a quick-spreading fire of the power of a thousand nuns. Interestingly, it was only after the previously classified history was published online that Papa God’s new group of self-appointed clairvoyants, mediums, ghost-whisperers, smalls, past-life-regression therapists, larges, that E! kid, triple-Xs, and Kyle’sPsychic—whom Papa God likes to call his Dead People Daughters—could access and call up the spirits and reincarnated versions of burning-nuns-as-real-oldladyhotnewyounghousewives-who-lived-in-a-shoe. I mean, some of the DeadPeople Daughters might have seen it online, but they TOTALLY felt the power of a thousand burning nuns before that: it just so happened that that was the same time all thousand burning nuns stopped hiding out around skeptics like Mark Cuban and moved into attics and decks and window-peeping closer to cell towers. Really. So, yes, it’s a thing. NadirOnline confirmed it when the anonymous Staffofmanoradrienne first sold them the story, which happened right after the Nassir-Maloof split, an event predicted by so many Papa God 2.0 psychics it singularly proved their existence. (And, upon hearing of The House of Vatican, Dorit—terrified she had missed out on the newest Money Can Buy You Class designer—raced to Canal Street Italy Fashion Week to buy herself a $5000 50/50-blend T-Shirt with a simple “Vatican” written across her breasts, so no one would miss that she was wearing A Vatican and not some Walmart Beefy-T, marinate in her flowing creative patthepuss juices, and give birth to a full new litter of only-$300-so-available-to-lowly-peons swim thongs, or at least print out the pattern on her computer and draw some lines(ofcoke) on it, which is totes just like giving birth. Daughter Kyle’sPsychic had told Dorit that Erika already owned both a pair of the fashion house’s shorts, with “Vatican” juicily blinged in actual diamonds across the butt, and a shirt with a large gothic cross that doubled as a pocket in which to hide a baggie of ice that was manufactured and transported in a trailer designed to look like a Spanish ship, and were already hanging on Erika Joynes’s fancy clothing-rack-on-wheels, and Dorit knew she needed to keep up with the Erika Joyneses of the world). So, the original tragedy almost could be blamed on typo, or at least an incorrect setting, but it was Papa God’s Typo. And that has made all the difference.

Which is what I said, but the context removed from what was quoted lays out why I understood her meaning of “focus” to differ from what is suggested here. I am going off of memory and, if I could rewatch it to see that the rest of what I described was inaccurate or misconstrued, I’d concede that immediately: it’s certainly possible. But I didn’t just reiterate Hubbell’s statement but rather tried to specifically contextualize the entire scene around it that led to my conclusion: it wasn’t just her saying that line, as you quoted me, but her motioning to her face (I actually recalled it as even more specifically her eyes, but I wasn’t confident enough in that recall and thus didn’t want to inaccurately describe it as even worse if I *was* mistaken, so I went with the more general and less damning description to give err on the side of my being wrong) that led me to interpret it quite differently from how did in your “correction” of my out-of-context quote. Others have posted on this, too, and (I don’t recall if it was Tanith or one of the others, but) one of the commentators even noted her mentioning them as well, clarifying that she was referring to V/M and, iirc—and, again, maybe I don’t—something to the effect of how intensely V/M focus on each other. Again, I could be mistaken: if the details that I included to support why I thought it was telling that they seemed to be trying to imitate the bore-a-hole-through-your-soul visual focus V/M keep on each other (that is, focus as in gaze, not being focused as in staying within the performance/not “losing focus”/getting distracted) are incorrect, please correct me: I think I put enough qualifiers in there to be clear I know I’m not infallible, and I wasn’t queued up on the video to necessarily be accurate; if I misrepresented what they said through both their verbal and non-verbal communication, I apologize and would be happy to be corrected. If I’m not mistaken in my description but you disagree with how I interpreted it, please use what I actually wrote to explain why; I may or may not be convinced but at least then I can consider your response (and reconsider my own), and anyone else reading has an accurate context in which to do the same. And if what I wrote actually failed to communicate that I was referring to anything more than her exact words—the snippet quoted— that’s obviously on me, as I believe that authorial intent is irrelevant, as long as the reader has the ability to comprehend (which I don’t doubt) and the intention to interpret it in good faith. However, taking one line I wrote and quoting it completely out of context to make your point mischaracterizes what I said and prevents me from knowing if I should reconsider the accuracy of my recollection of that moment and/or my interpretation of it, and I dig dialogue and reason to reconsider my own thinking. I don’t disagree with anything you wrote there wrt that type of focus and its importance; I just didn’t refer to any such thing, though, which was why I noted that her statement with her motions, tone, and body language seemed to confirm exactly what bothered me about her performance. Had she used “unwavering eye-fuck and overwrought smirk at my partner for four straight minutes to convey lust” in lieu of saying “focus” coupled with using gestures to suggest, at least TO ME, that she meant one and the same, just like her “teammates” V/M are noted for to the extent of inspiring comments comparably focused fan shipping and imaginary-baby-making, there’d be less left to interpretation. But she did use “focus,” which, in another context, certainly can mean what you’re suggesting, and, I totes agree: any skater needs that type of focus if they want to keep their spot snd[/or] challenge for the podium (or just keeping upright! ;-) ) next season. I just didn’t interpret her usage as such for the reasons I explained; if you want to argue that my context is inaccurate that is easily disproven by what is on the screen and if my lazyass hadn’t already deleted it or done due diligence by finding and reviewing it rather than relying on my memory, I’d see that, please do: I can’t argue with that! Or if I’m not but you disagree that it supports my interpretation of it, (not that you need my permission or that I’m trying to cause a problem; on the contrary, I totally dig it: I’m just asking not to have my words misrepresented), please do; just please use enough of what I’ve said so as not to alter its meaning to make your point.

My first thought when she said she was sick was that she was in [opiate] withdrawal. Then, soon after, when Dr. Shit was talking to her, she mentioned that her “medication for her back” was supposed to have been there by Friday and still wasn’t (I don’t recall if she used the words “pain medication” or just “medication for my back,” but, while she was saying she was trying to find a position that was more comfortable (as if it was just back pain), 1) she even more clearly looked like someone in the start of withdrawal* (and, if you’re “just”* in really bad pain, wouldn’t you say, “My back is really hurting me today” or even, “I’m not functioning well today; my pain is so high that it set off a migraine and I’m really sick” or ... something, not just that you’re sick?* and 2) the camera panned in on one of the quotation signs, which was from Amber, saying something about how she has a lot of anger from growing up with parents who were (or are... Amber uses ‘em interchangeably anyway) alcoholics. Meanwhile, I’m only partway through the episode, but I don’t know if I can keep watching. Things that scare or freak out most people (spiders, snakes, Matt. Pick the lie...) generally don’t faze me (I don’t necessarily WANT to go chill with snakes, but I couldn’t have cared less about the snake pit in last week’s episode. Especially caged, they’d have served as no deterrent to my not sharing (what I’d never have said in the “private” peace booth because I’d never be so stupid as to believe it wouldn’t be used later. But ... anything). I do have one severe fear—like paralyzing phobia level fear—though, and that is dogs. Yes, I understand (most times) it’s completely irrational, and seems silly to most people, just as I think freaking out over snakes on a plane in a cage or a bug flying around is irrational but don’t make fun of people (to their faces) over it, but it doesn’t matter: I am scared enough that someone can walk by me with a dog that, from afar, I can intellecualize is unlikely to harm me and I even might recognize as being cute (if it were in a picture. In a frame. In a box. In a lockbox. Lockbox....), but it’s irrelevant: I will freeze, be completely terrified and unable to think rationally, and be convinced it will bite my Achilles’ tendon, make me drop to the ground so I have no control, and then completely attack me. Even purse-sized dogs that entitled people think should get to go shopping with them freak me the hell out (they’re perfect Achilles height, natch). (I actually have a whole set of fears re: being rendered powerless by having my Achilles’ tendon bitten or sliced, but dogs are really the only things that truly send me into a frozen panic). So, the second I saw those dogs onscreen, I started hyperventilating. Not like a reality show drama queen in need of screen time; I truly get a type of anxiety response that is nothing I have ever experienced. And this was before Dr V (beteedubs, did you notice that even their office door has the punctuation jacked up? “Dr.’s Office.” Unless they’re admitting that, together, they only equal one doctor?) shared what the task was. They could have been doing obedience classes with the retired Sandys from the original Broadway run and first four national tours of Annie—which means they’d probably be nearly comatose, at best, if not embalmed (I assume dogs don’t live to be 40 or 50?)—don’t matter: I would still be terrified. But actual attack dogs? Forget the horror of dealing with Matt and Amber; I’da quit on the spot. I froze too long to be able to get my remote and stop it until I saw one almost murder Brandi. And, while I could almost get behind the dogs ripping most of these people to shreds, I canNOT watch it. I still haven’t unpawsed (groan) my DVR, because I would rather face another double-header killer-clown night like LO:SVU and Criminal Minds conspired to cross networks through which to torture me on Wednesday (I always say coulrophobia is my secondary irrational fear, after cynophobia. But, while clowns creep me out, they don’t really have much effect in my day-to-day life, so that’s more a joke; dogs are fucking ubiquitous, and my terror of being near dogs, especially unknown ones, is significant enough to make it, literally, a daily problem). But I’m seriously not amused that apparently this whole week on TV is devoted to Scare The Shit Out of Methadonna. It’s like Shark Week for people afraid of sharks. I swear, if RuPaul’s Drag Race has them making a video that involves being in a car that flies off a cliff, gets stuck hanging precariously from a tree, and the driver has to figure out a way to free the car out of the tree themselves and carry it back down to level ground (ok, not a real phobia, but a recurring nightmare I’ve had for at least 25 years. Trying to get a car out of a tree sucks), I’m gonna develop a fear of my TV itself). Or maybe it’s my just deserts for mocking that psychic on (well, all psychics, on anything, but this week, RHOBH), and they ARE real, and they DO KNOW. They knew Id be mocking them (because they just pretend to suck but actually CAN read future thoughts), and then they affect television programming, months in advance, to torment me every day after. (Probably not, but I might have the beginnings of a good cult here. I mean, it’s already more plausible than anything L. Ron Hubbard or Kody Brown ever came up with. If you’d like to join, send me a hundred dollars and I’ll guess your phobia and get it on TV in the next three months. I’m already sensing someone has a fear related to the letter S?) But, fo realz, does it get worse than Brandi’s? Because I probably could have been convinced and calmed after one or two runs that it was ok because they were in those suits, but that fucker knocked her down and could have bit her face off (actually, I haven’t seen yet... but, based on her facial changes between this show and Big Brother, maybe it did). WHY ARENT THEY WEARING MASKS AND HELMETS?! Please tell me if I will miss anything good if I skip this, and, in the meantime, I’ll stick to watching little girl “ladies” skaters about to be murdered by their coaches at World’s. Eteri is scary but not as much as the thought of what 30-year-old fermenting illegal fillers oozing out of the face of, I was gonna say one of the Graz. Gals, but, actually, most of this cast, after a cheek or lip gets punctured by one of those canines. *Not a spoiler ... just a rambling disclaimer/explanation wrt my own medical and medication situation, as (I think) it relates to Mother Amber.

So, no lie, I totally cried for/ with Wakaba Higuchi. That was a stunning performance and the highlight of women’s skating for me (Sorry, Canadian friends, I am happy for Kaetlyn Osmond—she’s not like Madison Hubbell* where I’m hate-watching and wishing for her to fall or anything—Kaetlyn seems lovely and there’s nothing she does that I actively dislike—but her skating just does nothing for me, positive or negative), and just seeing all of that understandable and deserved emotion pour out of WH when she’d finished undid me, too. Even then, I bet it never occurred to her that she’d be chilling in the top-trio-mindfuck couch for the rest of the night! On the other hand, I had to watch Bradie through my fingers because I had secondhand embarrassment over watching Disney on Ice. I kept expecting to have all of the plushie-picker-upper kids join her on the ice after the post-clock music change, where they’d have turned into magical little skating-in-plush-costumed birds and squirrels and the rest of forest menagerie for the big ensemble finish. (This would only be bettered by her starting out in a costume made of rags and then, through the tick-tocking, she did an on-ice quickchange into that costume she bought at Disney World. My four-year-old niece has a crap ton of Disney princess dresses, and I think she has Bradie’s exact costume). On the plus side, watching with my arms up and most of my fingers together gave me better hand/arm position than Bradie. *Speaking of, I spent H/D’s entire short program wanting to slap the look off her face because it seemed so overwrought act-y and unnatural, and then she put it into better words than I when she got off the ice and proudly told her coaches, while motioning to her face, (something like) “I tried to keep that Tessa/Scott focus.” Like, they’d been actively working on imitating V/M’s creepy facials, which always seem rehearsed and unnatural to me anyway but I get that that’s part of their “thing” (and at least goes with their whole style, even if it feels forced to me), so she and Zach were basically coached to mimic not-great-face-acting-in-the-first-place. It’s like when a bad director tells someone how to say a line, wanting them to mimic their exact tone, inflection, etc., rather than coaching them toward doing it better from their own place, authentically. I had been trying to push aside my dislike for how she presents herself as a person off the ice to try to enjoy/get her(their) skating, ‘cause I really figured it was just my gut-instinct reaction from how much they rub me the wrong way that was making me dislike their performance—now, even more than previously—but she herself told me why her on-ice persona annoyed me as much as her off-ice one, so now I for real don’t feel bad for hoping they’ll get knocked off the podium along with their high horse (with C/B preferably taking a spot, but I’m not picky; I’d go for any three from anywhere than see them get a medal). Fuck, if Eteri wants to go put on Papadakis’s busted halter with the bottom half of that ...thing... that Chock wears and spin in some circles with the guy she was talking to with her back to the rink while poor Alina was skating, I’d rather see them on the podium! (Btw, since it’s not the Olympics, are they considered real Russians still again?)

You’re welcome. Glad PapaG and I could support you in your snorting. I’m a healer, too, you know. Snorting helps clear the chakthetanras. Doesn’t your auxenura feel better already? (I’m sensing a uniform. Oh, yes, you’re a security guard. *Adds “has assisted law enforcement” to SpirituallylinkedIn bio*) (See, I could write “you’re welcome” even before you said it. Papa Smurf God communicated with me in advanced: “I’m getting a strong sense of ... S ... do you know anyone whose name starts with an S, or to whom S— is important, or is full of S—? is going to show appreciation with ... I’m sensing ... an M?)

I was SO bummed Teddi fed her any info. I would have loved to see her stick with “yes” or “no” and make that charlatan work for her bullshit. But, YOU GUYS! I bridged the gap between the present and the future with technology! Papa God doesn’t call me to tell me about the presence of the spirit of someone whose name starts with J or M: he updates me directly in writing about the future, right on my phone’s home screen. He sends me little pop-up messages all day long about all of the important things that are going to happen in the world that day, and I KNOW it’s Papa God contacting me about the future, accurately, because they tell, like, totally the same stuff on TV, but not for three or even nine hours later. Like, just today, he told me all sorts of stuff at 4:00 about what Mark Zuckerberg was gonna say about how he sold our Internet spirits to Russian bots, or maybe something that starts with an F, and almost two hours later, it happened on TV! My pet name for Papa God is “News,” though, ‘cause that’s the name he puts on the alerts he sends me. I think he likes it better because he’s telling me something “new” that the rest of the world that hasn’t bridged that future gap won’t know until the end of the day. It’s kind of annoying that a lot of times, he doesn’t give me a way to respond to him, but when he does, Papa God likes me to use our other cute name, “Comment.” And when he leaves that line open to him, a lot of spirits often respond, too! But (sssshhhh) I think we actually bridge the gap between present earth, heaven, and HELL, because a lot of the spirits say things that no one from heaven would EVER say. (I think he let a poor demon spirit that died as a child even use the U.S. president’s name to communicate through the hell-technology bridge!). I used to think that Papa God should filter some of those demon spirits’ responses to me, but I guess that, when you have a gift like mine, it’s just hard to keep all the spirits from congregating All Around Me, just like Rebecca has Marilyn Monroe and John Lennon and Teddi’s friend from elementary school with her, rather than their chilling near their loved ones or anyone else who is seeing a psychic and needs someone whose name begins with an M or a J or some acquaintance who died young. Papa God News Comments can be sooooo silly sometimes! But maybe if I had more rooms in my apartment, or my own party planner to set my table-that-could-fit-four-if-we-squeezed-in-and-skimped-on-the-superfluous-crystals, he’d also send me reincarnated spirits in person, like that of a kidnapped Spanish prince who chose to come back as a deeply superficial woman who needs an entourage because he never had anyone to do his hair and make-up or kiss his ass at the bottom of the ship until that knight came around but then he got killed and reincarnated as a grown man named Mikey, or an American chick from the tri-state area who reincarnated herself as a Britishish killjoy who gives birth to thong bikini collections (and also needs HER OWN entourage because she can totally create her swim line but, when she was just a lowly peon from Connecticut, she couldn’t glue shit on her head herself). That dear, sweet Papa God, I never realized how thoughtful he was, keeping the spirits confined to my phone, because it would be way too crowded in here for anyone more than me and my cat and maaaaaaybe a solo-riding spirit, and there wouldn't even be room for any spirits or their ego squads to pass each other in what alleges to be a full-sized kitchen in this dump (if I were a spirit, I’d go stay in one of those closets in Beverly Hills, too, since they’re roomier); if they showed up here, I’d have to return my Givenchy china I store in my oven just to find a place to stash Dorit. PS: Papa God just let me know that five more people replied here, before I could even see their replies. I bet at least one of them comes from a Username that starts with M!

After they showed a preview of the final runway in the “recap” episode (I didn’t see a thread for it: maybe no one else was masochistic enough to watch?) last week, and it showed clear as day that the finalists all had a child as a prop while the eliminated hamsters walked solo, and Jeana had no child to escort down the runway, I figured she’d be next out. Editing sure helped me be happy with that choice, but I can’t help but feel a bit bad for her: Brendi K’s difficult life was highlighted throughout the show as if to explain away her unpredictable behavior, while Jeana’s, which sounds like it was pretty damn horrific, was mentioned almost in passing, with her behavior treated as a discrete entity. That’s not to excuse it—whether editing created her seemingly shifting from sweet girl to Black Swan personified or she really devolved over (because of) the course of competition—she obviously did act horribly at times. It’s just jacked up that every time Brendi K behaved in an off-putting or unstable way, it was tied to her childhood trauma and living in a van down by the river, while Jeana was portrayed as a psychotic bitch, which was disconnected from her being dealt a multi-whammy of a shitty hand to start her life. Eh, but what I care more about is that Jeana was so obviously not a finalist in that preview, but I couldn’t see who gets brought back in and/or whom she replaces, if that wasn’t just a misdirect.

I KNEW we had a wreath. I thought it was gonna really be the [so-not-happening] re-marrying your dead husband’s brother that brought it all ‘round, but we don’t even need that: (I’m not checking any of this, so hopefully I’ve got the names with the right people/right people married to each other... this is NOT a humblebrag; I kind of hate myself for presumably knowing this by now). So Lilian is Enoch’s wife. Enoch is Melinda’s sibling. Melinda is Anazella’s sisterwife. And Anazella is Lilian’s sibling? (Pop goes the weasel). So is Anazella Enoch’s sister[wife]-in-law times two? (Or, his sister-in-law via Lilian (ie, sibling of spouse) and his sisterwife-in-law via Melinda (ie, [sister]spouse of his sister))? So, if six of Bob Foster’s brood stayed with polygamy, that’s three of them: do we know who the other three are/if they’re on Rockland Ranch or are among the ones who’ve moved to civilization? (I think in the descriptive blurbs in one of the photojournals from 2013 or 2016, I saw mention of at least two other Foster children (add that to my list with Jim Morrison, et al, as names/terms I trip over on this show) who live there and/but are in monogamous marriages (and don’t believe polygamy is for them). I guess that explains how Enoch became “the leader”: he’s likely the oldest [or only] male Bob Foster child remaining, and the women are equal enough to have eighty kids AND have careers that require significant education and practice but not equal enough to lead an apocalyptic cult or have three spouses to lead their own planet. Second mystery (to me: maybe they stated this outright and I forgot): where did Jim and Abel Morrison (and, others, if there are?) come from? (Third mystery: I think Abel said that Jim’s was the first body to be buried in the cemetery on the land*. Where’d they stash ol’ Bob Foster after his first prophecy of ten years left turned out to be wrong? In the same place they put the logical reasoning that lets them have prophecy after prophecy proven false while still toiling away to keep those 3.5 years of pre-apocalypse food ready for that prophecy, which is TOTES gonna be correct?) *To not be totally negative: I have serious admiration for people who work that hard and must possess such a wide array of skills to do what they do there. Because it’s not in my nature to end with a positive: why do all the British import documentaries have to re-voiceover the narrator with one with an American accent? This one stands out especially as I can’t think of a show (at least, American) that’s used such 80’s-classroom-documentary-film narration in at least the last few years: seems like that’s been all but replaced by THs or VOs given by cast members themselves, not some detached random voice guy, so it makes it feel really dated, and I thought it was going to have aired in the U.K. much longer ago.

So, based on reading the articles referenced in the 2013 Sister Wives Blog article about Rockland Ranch*, Melinda and Enoch are sister and brother (not sure if they have the same mother). If she DID end up marrying her deceased husband’s brother (and I’m not sure yet what, if any, further relation the Morrisons (original edition) have to the Fosters, but that has got to loop that family tree closer into a wreath. *which I realize now required no further sleuthing than reading her name, as she goes by Melinda Foster Morrison, so, duh, but this does explicitly state that Melinda is one of Bob Foster’s daughters (and Enoch, his son, as well as the official “leader” of the community since Bob’s passing. And, though I do think it comes off as the case in the portrayal so far**—I don’t think it’s been explicitly stated nor did I get the sense they had, or at least wanted to overtly state they had, an actual “leader,” so that was interesting to me. **(but also conceded that could be the editing or even just my own timeline bias, as they were given the central focus first, with my expecting to have the series center around them with the other families and individuals introduced in the premiere remaining in supporting roles, and was [pleasantly] surprised by the sudden shift to the second epi’s centering on the [ofAbel ... and girls] Morrison family (while still including other community members as it fit organically. Sort of like the Chicago Fire, PD, Med, and Law shows... I know TLC has some network mandate that all shows must have a variant of Giant Husband, Three Little Sisterwives as not only its premise but its title, but I really think Chicago Polygamy (or, hey, just Rockland Ranch ... if only half of the ten families there are [currently?] polygamists, and we’ve seen three (of 5?) so far (plus the monogamous couple who are “totally” on the same page about being/not being open to polygamy), and they’re: one, a would-be 1H-3W except the “courted” one figured out that having two pretty SWs (and, I’m sure, a husband who is “beautiful on the inside”) wasn’t enough to get her past the lack of aesthetic attraction to ... that face... of Eunuoch (Sorry, I’m 11), so: One Husband, Two Wives (aka, why did we just waste six weeks on the BS of Seeking Sisterwife, when we just got what I actually believe was a fairly real story of it, in ten minutes (which is about as much content as Seeking had, stretched out over 360)butanyway; two, we have the ofJim Morrisons here: prior to his passing, a great band, sry, wrong JM***, another One Husband, Two Wives grouping (now No Husband, Two Wives, who may or may not add on to another in-community family, together or separately); and three, only the ofAbel Morrisons who are actually One Husband, Three Wives, and supposedly AS The Widows are in the immediate grief of the loss of their husband (and two of the ofAbel wives are both showing the levels of anger and resentment wrt the “changes” of adding the third wife ... four years ago that Meri and Janelle Brown held for twenty years but took like seven seasons to acknowledge on air) (all of these Rock families cut to the chase quick, eh? The Browns and the-won’t-be-back-SeekingSisterwives Peeps are like yo, slow down, don’t you realize that you could string TLC along for at least two full seasons on what you’ve packed into each episode? You could go on TLC package trips, take part in some planned wedding vow renewals, get that courting daughter’s wedding covered, have her have her baby in a coliseum, and make enough money to blast out some space for McCaveMansions in the Grand Canyon when you lose your lease for being FELONS, but you gotta slow this shit down. Maybe there’s a fake therapist you could stick in one of your rocks to prevent progress? By then, one of your eleventy kids, statistically, will be sure to have a crummy-but-fairly-common medical condition you were “keeping private” but now can trot out to exploit. Seriously, no bankruptcies AND you’re this bad at playing TLC? What is this crap? Do you actually practice what you preach or something?), they’re considering adding in The Widows, because Jim really wanted Abel to have and care for his stamp collection and wife collection after he died. I don’t think it’s gonna happen, but if so, it’d be One Husbo, Five Wives, and (unless another title-fitting family is about to pop out of the rockwork next week), there’ll be nothing about the title that fits, unless you assume that it actually starts with, Minimum Coverage Charge to Get to Heaven (With Your Own Planet) is.... ***Sorry, but between Jim Morrison here, Jim Jones on Marriage (but not marriage actually: family) Boot Camp: Reality Stars (wrt “stars”: see our commitment to the definition (literal, not the practice thereof) of “marriage”, who I think is a rapper or someone I’m supposed to know and then is was on another show (qualifying him as a “reality star”) that I’m also supposed to know, but I know of neither; I only know of People’s Temple/Jonestown, and, intellectually, I realize there are a hundred trillion people probably named Jim Jones, but I still recoil every time I hear it and start thinking y’all worried about Amber in dat house? You got a drugged-out megasuicidecult leader chilling next to you, refusing to drink any of Dr VJJ’s and Dr. Shit’s Kool-aid. ‘Cause He Has His Own. And, then, because life in my head would be better as a musical at all times, I first read “Bob Foster” and was thinking “Bob Fosse,” so, I keep waiting for The Beautiful Wives to drag some chairs out on stage rocks and do some suggestive dancing as they can venison for their three.point.five years of apocalypse-in-waiting or however that works. (That I also grew up in a county—across the country, and pretty much the polar opposite wrt religious and social norms—with the same name as the ranch also kind of throws me every time I hear it).

I guess I’m kind of answering my own question, with: “Ya gotta get a gimmick,” but didnt the far superior and sorely missed Lock Up spend a decade or two showing how shockingly willing inmates are to be honest about EVERYTHING, on film, when someone (particularly a skilled interviewer ... I have a little crush on the head woman when you got to hear her doing her thing on the Raw episodes) breaks up the monotony and gives them attention? And I’ll also answer my own question with the thought that maybe putting “innocent” people in jail was supposed to give us protagonists for whom to root for, without moral conflict (as well as create inherent narrative conflict via the [expected] “fish out of water” scenario they tried to create). Too bad I’d root for even a convicted felon of a terrible crime over most of the putzes they cast this season. And too bad most of the fish took to jail like a repeat offender or Russell Habtz (or Dr. Mike) on Survivor. In other words, for as much hand wringing there is over the danger Angele put everyone in, and the internal conflict those who have a moral compass have suffered over building relationships with people that were built on a foundation of lies, NONE OF IT WAS NECESSARY. The inmates wouldn’t have acted any differently (as I mentioned, maybe everyone else realized this and I’m just an idiot, ‘cause obvs they’re not miked, but they have a full camera crew with them when they’re filming anything that has decent sound and video. Like in the pod. The crew was literally tripping over each other to get out of the way when Angele went to beat down that other inmate, which means they were present for the parties as well: they easily could have found enough inmates who’d spill on camera, and they’d actually know what they were talking about. As it is, they should have enough footage from all the real inmates whom they interviewed as decoys to make a parallel series, and I would love it a lot. (I have a weakness for prison shows and miss Lock Up soooo much, I was willing to watch this and Rookies. I fear what Ill settle for becoming obsessed with next.

Or that a shady person found a profession she thought could help ensure kept her in the light and less shady. [sorry, groan] Too bad the more light they shined on her, the shadier she seemed, Or, more likely, it’s what A&E/the production company I don’t care enough to check the name of wants to emphasize. But, while I’m pretty sure I’ve never gone to their website, I definitely remember her “story”—probably from her intro on the show—being that her “way out” (most of her peers or family or whatever had ended up in prison rather than a HS graduation) had been due to her track-star-ness, and she was not just a nationally ranked runner; it earned her a full ride to college, which sounded like it wouldn’t have otherwise been on her radar, much less a realistic possibility, were it not for track. Obviously they must have mentioned it at some point since you knew it, but I had no recollection of any mention of her being an electrician and strong recall of the “track saved me from the ghetto (from the ghetto...)” narrative. I actually assumed she was just out of college. Which brings me to an overarching theme wrt the constructed personal narratives that leaves me really uncomfortable. While most of the fauxmates actually seem to have similar origin stories (grew up in impoverished areas and/or surrounded by violence or drugs but had some reason to be the “exception” who didn’t follow or remain a part of that cycle—already a problematic and questionable portrayal), the impetus for that shift is depicted, almost without exception, as being of two camps, separated by racial identity: self-motivated (“pulled him/herself up by his/her bootstraps) or due to the support/push of someone else (of the individual’s inherent gift or talent), even though they all seem to have experienced a combination of both. (I guess Andrew would fall outside this origin story pattern, but he likely would never have been cast without the son/dad duo angle, and I’m not sure about Alan’s backstory before he became a waaah-Murica-hates-racist-cops-and-damn-criminals-deserve-what-they-get-but-why-everybody-be-hatin-on-cops-no-fair law man, before 60 35 Days In taught him that Oh People In Jail Are People Too. Except For Angele, Whose Stupid Rule-Breaking Totes Ruined My Plan To Buy Meth). But I guess this is veering off Angele-Demone topic and into something more general, but I think this critique of Angele’s thread title is really more a reflection of A&E’s portrayal of her, which is thus questionable, which then requires one to question all the portrayals. And they’re obviously both oversimplified and a small sample set, but, at first glance, I don’t like the answers I can get.

Dammit, I was right. Stephanie—the one who was actually at risk after Demone’s bedroom confessions—literally finished her time on the show by proclaiming herself “the best inmate.” Only the reactions to her at reunion (Halleloo, I really didn’t think they’d dare have one, and I am embarrassingly excited) are giving me the will to live, and it better not be editing jacking with my emotions and that it’s actually someone else the host says because I need her to be read nearly as hard as Angele. Speaking of editing, I realize the literal words may have easily been cut out, but everything about her interactions with the Colonel and the (Asst Colonel?) and even the later production interviewers suggest that, if they were ever said, it wasn’t a misrepresentation not to show them: Demone is the (allegedly) sole reason why an entire tv show got shut down (yes, we’ve discussed, and I agree, that that’s not really the case, as she should have been stopped long before she was in the position to take that action, but, from her perspective, if she doesn’t even regret her actions due to a Machiavellian reasoning, she sure isn’t thinking that someone should have stepped in to prevent them), and girlfriend never even says she’s sorry for the RESULTS overall? Like, I still think she screwed up royally, but I can see how it could happen. What I CAN’T see is how, after being removed from the situation and given even a few days of distance and perspective out of the intensity of the immersion, and then realizing the magnitude of the consequences of my actions, I wouldn’t just be saying “I’m sorry” every other sentence but possibly curled up in a fetal position, definitely crying almost uncontrollably, and only stopping apologizing because I was hyperventilating from crying so much. Sadly, I know that her response garners a far better reaction from most people than (even a much more contolled version of) a truly contrite but emotional one like mine would be. I feel cheated that we didn’t get to see the rest of the fauxmates’ responses to the reason for their early release (especially because Alan’s was AMAZING; maybe that’s why and the rest were anticlimactic). When is someone gonna tell I’m In Public Health Bougcci that even the Westboro Church has probably known for 25 years that you dont get HIV, let alone AIDS, from dried, days old bodily fluids? His point, that it’s a) just gross, and b) a potential health risk is totally valid, but he undercuts his own argument and especially his alleged expertise, with that argument: the most basic OSHA or first aid training is going to teach you that you treat all bodily fluids with the assumption that they could be carriers of (whatever they could put you at risk for) and old dried stuff is NOT a vector for HIV (you can’t catch AIDS, period, did he travel here from 1985?), but it IS for hepatitis, which would be a concern to me in a jail where everyone is moving around drugs from orifice to orifice anyway and would have been far more educational for Public Health Boughie to address. I’m glad he realized he’s not so gangsta, but now he needs to realize he’s also not so book smart. Poor Boughie, entered jail thinking he was so well-versed in two “worlds” and comes out showing he lacks fundamentals in any. Was this the first time we got acknowledgement that Alan and Andrew were aware of Nate’s participation/he of theirs?

And the thing ON her head really ain’t right. It’s like she got the whole he’s-not-your-kid dinner confused with a baby shower from hell and thought she had to wear all the present gift wrap ribbons on her head and around her wrist. More importantly, does that hair bow have a Twitter account yet? (Not gonna lie, though: I cried when Kristina read the DNA results. Which is funny, because I’ve spent 20+ years responding to people who suggest that maybe my father (with whom I have no relationship) is a sane and lovely person now and that I should consider giving him a chance that, “Hey, maybe he is. And I’m sure there are millions of other random men his age whom I don’t know either, and I’ve never once felt compelled to chat one of them up on the street to find out if they’re sane and lovely and want to not be strangers, and they didn’t spend the first half of my life being knowingly batshit and evil, so, while my odds are better off with some random street dude, I’m not planning to start chatting up strangers to fill some non- existent void now” (i.e., biology don’t mean shit to me). But it clearly did to Gary (and Jody), and so my heat broke for them a bit. (And then, how da fuq did Jody become convicted of a crime for not keeping up with child support when Gary’s sociopath-wrapped-in-a-literal-bow mother straight up said (that she said back in the day) that she wasn’t “sure” who da daddy? Maybe she met guys in Walmart parking lots, too. Poor Gary. I really hope his relationship with Kristina and daughters is as good as it’s depicted, ‘cause he sure had no models for how to partner or parent in any acceptable manner, let alone a great one, and somehow he seems to have figured out both. And LOLZ to Amby for telling nuMatt how having a baby will change him/make him grow up, just like she saw it did to Gary. No mention of its impact on herself (between that and the sloth, maybe she’s slightly less dumb than I thought?) Of course, no acknowledgement of WHY Gary had to become Superdad (and, if he doesn’t want BedroomTraveler to become a feral child, why nuMatt, too, will suddenly have to learn how to become the sole parent), so maybe not THAT much less dumb, but it was a baby step for Amber, and she was probably never saw a real one from her own Booger Butt, as they’re hard to see from jell or her couch or whatevs, so that’s almost self-taught. Maybe she can start eating in a haute chair next.

I was hoping for an acknowledgement (or, blame-throwing, depending on tone) of, “I have a whole lotta little climbers out there and I can’t possibly know where or how they’ve all turned up?” I also would have accepted his faux-lovingly embracing one of the worms and admitting, “I had to cast a wide tweet-net, but my work paid off and I finally got one. [Looking menacingly lovingly at the worm he was contolling like putty in his hand/could squeeze to death at any moment, or it could slip away before he noticed, he adds,] Amber and I ARE soulmates and if you have to get a little dirty with de haterz, it don’t matter, cuz haterz gonna hate.” [Amber’s mother adds something that is subtitled on TV but not obviously not in person while filming, so no one else in the room understands it, but it must be ... completely benign, as Amber begins throwing pencil cases and security rushes in before one opens and a newly sharpened pencil becomes a dangerous projectile toward Dr. V-is-for-value-added].

I’m not kidding: did you see her on Celeb Big Brother (the recent American version she did, not the older U.K. one she did previously? ... (and, damn, how many discrete reality shows has this chick been on? I mean, props to her for finding a way to pay the bills that not only lets her drink on the job but probably gives her a bonus for doing it: she’s proof that, if you follow your passion, you’ll never feel like you’re working. Or something like that: print it in Motivational Sans Serif on a background of an image of Pinot served in a margarita glass, photographed through a lens covered in Barbara Walters’ and Drag Race’s camera vaseline (Brandi might want to get a rider that requires her to be filmed thusly, as well), and I’m sure it’s hanging in the offices of RHOWherevs middle management everywhere. And didn’t she Build Her Brand out enough to get her name listed as a “with...” credit with the name of the person who actually wrote the books? Something like, How to Drink and [Do Something] and How to Drink and [Do Something Else]? How is her dad not totally proud? It’s soooooooounfaiiiiiiiiirrrr). <—— beeteedubs, Dr. V-is-for-_____ sez that’s all one question. Because, I’m not playing when I say that Brandi looks AMAZING here compared to the dysmorphic-tell-of-a-face she wore on CBB. Maybe she’s hoping to land Botched for her next appearance, but I think you’re right that she may have passed that point of no return into Jacked Up For Life. I’d really hoped she’d just gone in for her tune-up a little too close to the start of CBB filming, and some of that shininess and malformed did-you-get-this-done-in-a-storage-rental-unit-that-they-swore-was-a-totes-legit-office-and-no-these-are-topline-products-with-which-we’re-filling-your-face-and-definitely-contain-no-liquid-cement-or-blackmarket-products-of-unknown-origin appearance would lessen over time, but I saw no change over the time we saw her. The devolution of her appearance over time, but especially the jarring shift from in the year between this one and that makes me fear she’s riding the tire on the fast track to the heavy side layer of irreparable cat face. I am normally not into commenting on appearances, but when it’s such extreme and rapid self-imposed modification (that looks worse with each step), I feel like it’s a different situation. It also makes it hard to buy into her Ima-single-Mama-jus-tryin-to-support-my-boys narrative when I suspect I could live more comfortably than I do now on just her facial-downkeep costs. Apropos nothing, when Matt greeted Renee with his effusive, “I’m such a fan,” I realized how possible it was for him to end up in a house filled with subleberties he’d hit up before ending up with Amber as his successful mark. I’d have paid to see every woman greet him with, “Oh, yeah, you were that creepy dude who kept tweeting at me about how I was the most beautiful woman you’d ever seen and you’d love to meet me....within a month of your meeting/moving in with Amber.”

(Hope this is the right thread for the new season) A promising start: after some painfully canned dialogue as the Doctors are Due on Maple Street observe their allegedly human subjects on multiple TV screens, so you Totes Know It’s Fo Realz, The Doctors enter the House, where Amber has been taking her best stab at character-exposition improv, but, in confusing it with method acting and treating everyone else like they’re her kid (forgetting they exist), she never gives space for a single yes-and moment. After a mini-infomercial where the Monsters try to convince us that they are not just human but doctors, and well-qualified ones at that, they show-don’t-tell their true expertise: Dr. V sez: This experience over the next ten days will lead to one question, “ Is your dysfunctional family, is it [sic] worth saving?” Dr. Ish adds: “Or, is it time to cut yourself off from your family?” The school bell rings: is this so the doctors can learn to count? How can I have any faith in their humblebrag count of years of education when they dramatically tell us it all leads to One Question and then dramatically tell us the TWO? And I woulda thought the gaslighting would have at least waited until Dr. V put her name on the chalkboard and spelled it “V”, no period, like her actual name is a damn letter. Nope. Dr. Shit isn’t convincing me that he didn’t change it to the more beeper-friendly Dr. Ish, and Dr. V needs some vowels if she wants to make it a nickname and not have me think it’s just her initial and it’s really Dr. Vulva or something. Can’t count to three, don’t know words from ABCs: these quacks don’t need a pretend school house; they need a Fisher-Price My First Record Player and a Jackson Five album. Oh, or lessons from Mrs. Jones: she knows how to spell m-o-t-h-e-r. If Brandi adds on by spelling her most-used word, they could teach the doctors how to spell their full names. (I’d put Amber on the sub list for Brandi, but she can’t count either, since I don’t think “10 straight years” is the answer to “What is x - y, where x = the number of years since you first started ‘keepin’ it real’ on reality television and y = the number of years you were on hiatus from reality TV due to being in jell and/or cancellation?”) Again, Mrs. Jones might know the answer, since her immediate response to the suggestion of interacting with Amber was, “I’m too old to go jail.” Ok, so we all know this show was filmed like a year ago (or...and I guess this helps Amber’s timeline issues make sense, in a time warp, since that has been enough time to simultaneously accomplish what most people put on a five-year timeline, at the least, (breaking off one engagement and moving the man out of your home, meeting a new guy, moving in the new guy, and getting pregnant. (Did she have the crotchfruit yet? Would she notice?)) while also never getting off her couch, like it was just one long weekend. But seeing the difference between what Brandi’s face looked like just a year or so ago and what she had done to it by the time she showed up in the CBB House last month is jarring and would suggest they’ve been sitting on this film for a non-Amber definition of ten years straight. Shit, yo. Maybe it’s just like seeing someone unattractive after being trapped in a house of funhouse mirrors with them, but I *think* she actually looks really good here. (And, personality wise, she’s got Amber to help her come across as normal and sane, so far, and ruin-your-Face-wise, she’s got the Mob Wife woman (Renee?) to make her look practically like her face is still in human form). Damn, if they had current-Brandi, Renee, and current Amber faces all on at once, anyone else would be like the surgery-can’t-help-them-look-“normal” ugly- beauties from the Twilight Zone episode, “Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.” Which is pretty much the epitome of reality tv imitates art at this point, anyway. Add Adrienne Maloof, Farrah Abraham and one naturally conventionally beautiful woman, and we’d have our new Show: Rod Sterling’s Real Housetwentysomethingteenmoms of Binghamton Zone. Except, in homage to Dr. V, we should probably remove all those pesky punctuation marks and numbers. And have a second show but still call them both one.

And the extra worst part about Angele’s crap? IT LET STEPHANIE “WIN” the game show of 60 40-ish Days In Survivor, just like she wanted. (Otoh, I guess the best part is ... I don’t think she got to Last Woman Standing just like she wanted to. I don’t want her Swoled we nuthin’, but I appreciate the poetic justice of her spending her last few days (appropriately) fearing for her life. And, as I don’t think she has the self-awareness to figure it out herself, I hope that they loop her “I hope Jackie gets sent home” TH continuously through her hotel TV the whole time she’s sequestered). But, seriously, reality show contracts generally have clauses that leave participants liable for like a million dollars if they so much as leak a spoiler AFTER filming. Angele is responsible (in part; I think the guards are also partially responsible for their negligence of monitoring and managing her (and others’) behavior as “inmates,” and the production team—who DIDN’T pull the “we’re just there to document, not prevent someone from falling into a fire” card like they did on Survivor but actively said on camera that they put the safety of the participants ahead of the show, and, thus, by both standards of human decency AND their own stated standards, should have stepped in waaaaaay sooner ... I hadn’t realized how active they were in the pods themselves until they caught multiple shots of the boom operator (and part of the camera operator in the mirror) in the scene where Angele went to blows with that homophobic chick whose name I forgot) for something sooo much bigger; they literally had to shut down production on the show. Yes, they still cobbled together a season out of it, but the financial impact had to be major (and probably hit the per diem workers a lot more than the network or anyone at the top: I sure hope all the non-salaried staff got paid for the full number of expected days). I don’t think that she’s in any position that charging her a million or whatever is in her contract would be right, but, as she doesn’t seem to get the impact of her actions, fining her enough that it will affect her day-to-day life — not so she can’t afford her bills for more than a substandard existence, but enough that she won’t be able to afford great jail parties or having a kept-through-being-able-to-afford-tons-of-commissary woman — would be fair and appropriate. I hope when they had her sign that “make it right” second contract, they didn’t create too big a loophole that now she’ll be able to say that her not completing the terms of that one was because THEY chose to shut down production, AFTER she left (otoh, she wasn’t smart enough to ask to have her lawyer—the one who probably doesn’t exist because she also probably never sought one to go over the first contract with her—look it over before she signed, so I don’t anticipate any brilliant legal maneuvering on her end. If she got hit with some serious fines, though, she has all her new friends who could likely give her a name or six).

Sorry if I missed this mentioned upthread, but, as I didn’t see it referenced, I’m now thinking I’m probably wrong. But: Was the Dana who was Teddi’s “client” in the slush-in-your-sweatsuit scene the same “Housewife’s Friend” of Season 2(ish?) Dana? (I think she appeared on Season 1 as the party planner for Taylor’s 60K Proof She Didn’t Get Lost On Her Way to RHOC Four-Year-Old’s Birthday Party but then showed up the next season as Taylor’s BFF and expected Taglined “Housewife” but fizzled out after Game Night and got demoted to Friend O’). The Dana who fronted like she could afford gold lolllipop-holder necklaces and threw around the $25K price of her sunglasses like Erika does the names of the designers of her t-shirt dresses so we can distinguish them from the ones on the Old Navy clearance rack? She looked familiar to me, and I remember the second-to-last news I’d heard about her post-show was that she was telling any rag writer who’d listen that she “kept getting asked about” her 20-something-lb weight loss, which would make it fit with [what I THINK Teddi was saying, that she’d already (ie, pre-Teddi’s accountabilitying?)] lost 30 lbs. Otoh, the last thing I remember was that she was fighting a potential 20-year prison sentence. Which, if she got, obviously wouldn’t. But if she DID get off with just probation, which seems more likely (I don’t know), maybe it could still be her? I have zero confidence that featuring even a still-on-probation felon would give Andy pause (der, he has a whole HW installment based on people in various degrees of their felon careers), but much greater confidence that, if that scene didn’t put everyone else to sleep, five pages of PTVers would have made this connection long before I got around to watching. So, this is probably just a random trip down non-HWs semi-memories lane and I’m totes wrong. Or a reminder of how innocent we all were to affected pretensions back then: thanks, Dorit (you know that she’s pissed that PK cut her Lava Bitch or whatever it’s called line to only include shades in the $15K-$40K range, to keep it affordable to the [say it with proper disdain] masses). But, maybe? Anyone know if Dana has daily check-in seshes with Teddi or with a parole officer?

That’s because The Intro of The Random Friend in the original evidence gathering scene is the Catfish version of Chekhov’s gun: if we meet or hear about a seemingly uninvolved friend in the first act, said friend must return as the Real Catfish in the third. (The real question, then, is whether this will hold true as a season arc, with the random appearances of Nev’s Girlfriend paying off with a finale of her being revealed to be using catfishing Nev for her own 15-minutes-of-fame-adjacent-uh-ness). The only real plot twist of this episode? That the name “Infiniti” was that of the catfishee, and presumably real, and not just another example of a so-ludicrous-you-had-to-have-done-it-to-weed-out-anyone-with-a-brain catfisher-created pseudonym.

Maybe this has since been addressed in one of the eleventy other Sweet Pete’s appearances on the show—or maybe it’s already just been de facto proven false by the integration of Sweet Pete’s products into Marcus’s other businesses (or just a “fo’ de dramz” claim from the start)—but wasn’t Marcus’s original concern with the Sweet Pete’s deal (besides the Big Bad Investor Man’s role) that Sweet Pete’s success was inherently connected to the Wiilly Wonka-esque appeal of Pete, himself (minus the racism and other misanthropy, natch), and, without having Pete cloned to be there as the nutty professor clown as the human centerpiece/ringleader of the store and its party-shows, it would just be another candy shop and thus creating additional, non-Petecentric locations would be impossible? Even if they’ve expanded locally (?), where Pete could still presumably at the least offer less frequent but planned classes/parties/appearances, I kept trying to figure out how, especially as I recall this as being a major issue (but could be wrong, so hopefully someone who better recalls these shows with more detail will correct me), recreating a “Sweet Pete’s” about as far from his home base as you can get within the continental U.S. would work. Clearly, Pete wouldn’t be putting in much facetime at the new Sweet Pete’s/Farrell’s/Overlord Company I Didn’t Fully Understand combo, but Marcus was insistent that it wasn’t just Farrell’s carrying Sweet Pete’s products (and Toys ‘R’ Us’s liquidations) but SweetPeteFarrell’s, and, without Petey Wonka there, I’m confused—per (my recollection of) Marcus’s own description of the magic and essential sauce of Sweet Pete’s—as to how this is the case. It seems like, for all the propping up of Pete, this new iteration of a suddenly-replicable Sweet Pete’s makes it no different from a Dylan’s or other well-branded overpriced candy shop. Although, Marcus seems to do just that—albeit, very successfully—with a lot of his businesses, so maybe I’m just overthinking this. Thanks.

I’m thinking the Arts ‘n’ Props Department was just extra busy pre-season. Which explains why they “forgot” all of those buckets of Fake-Idol-Making supplies they left laying around. But not why they cut into Story Time with Jeffy (this week on Stome Wiffy, “The Little Non-Alpha-Male-Jeffy-Plucked-From-Lessthanalphamaledom Who Could (After Jeffy Spoke It and So It Shall Be”)) time to make room in the episode for him to literally name the bench for whoever was sitting out “The Sit-Out Bench” and not have it pay off with (I forget who sat out on The Sit-Out Bench)’s either finding an idol there or comically spending all her time looking. Isn’t that, like, Chekhov’s First Rule of Survivor Plotting? You don’t make the point of showing the naming of the previously-unnamed-area-for peeps-who-don’t-play in the first act unless you’re going to have it pop out idols in the third. Duh. Also, why did Domenick go through all that effort with his Build Yer Own Idol Kit “to build trust with (brodude, whose name I also forgot. I’m just gonna call everyone whose name I forgot “Xonathan), which he played out exactly as he would with a real idol, WHICH HE HAS? Why not use that whole rig to “help” [Xonathan] into finding the fauxidol himself? Maybe claim he found a clue that suggested it would be in that general vicinity and he wanted them both to be able to look for it, “knowing whichever of us finds it will use it to help both of us” and ensure [Xenuthan] found it? Am I missing something totes obvs here? A true irony, given that they had to blur the vulva of one of the women as she flew down the slide ‘cause her bottoms went, well, up.

THANK YOU: I had the reverse. I (think it was buffless ... back at camp. Maybe it’s the opposite, but, yeah, he looked like two different people. Or four(2x2..) he almost looked like a Big Brother Face Game mashup to me, and my first thought was, damn, dude looks just like Mark Cuban mixed with ... someone younger I can’t think of. And Michael Costello nails it. So, in his one look, he’s like Cuban and Costello has a baby or BB remix. And then he turned or took his buff on or buff off or whatever, and he lost the Cuban, and maybe the Costello, and possibly another decade off his face, and then I wasn’t sure who he looked like, but it wasn’t Costello or Cuban ... or Domenick. At least not the guy I’d just seen in the previous conversation; I literally was trying to remember if we’d seen this guy before. Re: “Donathan”: I’m choosing to believe that his name is really Donald Jonathan, and he decided to turn himself into his very own celebrity couple portmanteau. Because, I don’t think it’s right* to snark some poor soul for their parents’ need to destroy their child’s future and/or the English language with made-up names and kre8if spellings. But, if it was self-given? All bets are off. *Doesn’t mean I *don’t*, just that I feel kind of bad for them and for doing it. (Dear future parents: just know that, after they check to see how many of their incoming sixth-graders are old enough to drive, teachers will spend the first time they see their class lists comparing and competing with their colleagues over who has the kids with the most jacked up names. Don’t do this to your children (I win forever after having twins with the same name (double whammy, like a Mark-Paul type of name, so the family had enough to spread around, but, nope, both were, like, Mark-Paul (actual name has been changed to protect multiple identities)). Maybe Donathan can fall in love with a Ronald and we can just call them Donald. Or Ronathan. Damn, he’s like his own, personal game of Hannah Bannah Fo Fannah...He hears U2 live: Bonathan. He sees the East Tip Of Kentucky Tucked Between West Virginia and Default Virginia Community Theater’s production of Bye Bye, Birdie: Conathan. He... already got Donathan covered, so I can stop imagining his shipping The Donald. He realizes how long I could go on if I really wanted to hit up the whole alphabet: Eonathan. Etcetathan. (Title of Game is: Hooked on Fonathan. No, seriously, I am, help me stop!)

I know what you actually mean here (and there’s nothing incorrect in your wording, so please know this is not even the most passive-aggressive dig!), but for some reason I got the most fantastic mental image of Farrah, flying in (like, inside of) her horse. Isn’t its name SparkleandShineBoogerButt or Glitter Backdoor or ... something ridiculous and glitter-magic-y? (And, iirc, hasn’t she also either dyed its hair or given it extensions or something so it can look as fake as she does? And are these part of the horrors of a ridiculous imagination (see below), or did she bedazzle and glitter and manicure it and do all she could to make it a likeness of her own being besides swapping out its horse mouth for a platypus’s? Maybe for one of Sophia’s typically understated and age-appropriated birthday parties for all of her apparently no* friends?) *If this is as it appears on TV (and not because she actually has scores of friends who all have reasonable and responsible parents who won’t allow them to be exploited by shown on MTV. And simultaneously allow them to be friends with Farrah’s child. Which is a total paradox. So I’ll go Occam’s Razor and not editing on this), it’s because of the bizarre world Farrah has created around Sophia and, even if this continues to be true as her peers gain greater autonomy and likely do reject her themselves unless there’s radical change, how that world has created Sophia; it’s the way that Farrah (who, I believe, has made very active choices she truly believes align with doing what’s best for her child but she is so devastatingly wrong, as opposed to many of these moms, whose passivity, inactivity, and disengagement are what lead to their parenting fails (ahem, Amber)) has shaped Sophia—and the current (and, likely, lasting, without significant intervention) effects on Sophia’s ability to interact with her peers (and people, and probably all living things); it’s not about my trying to mock a little kid for [presumably] having no friends or being ... different and challenging. Ya know ? Eh nee waaaay So, here we have this woman who has already had herself surgically altered into a 3-D cartoon character (who, by day, uses her powers to don her alter-ego as the only Teen Mom with the ambition and drive to be a contributing member of society, and, by night and other day, reverts back to to her [semi]natural form, a hybrid of truly cruel villainy and word-salad-spitting speaker of such nonsensical babble as to belie disincomprehensibilityishnessal (may or may not be a direct quote ... yet. But, if not, I look forward to hearing her use it, in a far less contextually logical way, when she does learn about the point of set teachers—both from a legal standpoint and from a You-don’t-have-the-intellectual-capacity-to-even-make-the-active-decision-to-unschool-Sophia one—and Sophia gets a list of suffixes for Farrah to wantonly add to words to make her sound more smarterest). And her cartoonish pet horse. And so, from your one little innocuous statement, all I can picture is this would-be-a-cartoon-but-truth-is-stranger-than-fiction humanoid, flying around in her Trojan-horse-meets-My-Little-Pony-pegasus-esque pet/accessory (same, unilaterally, on this show). Maybe, with TM’s little notebook-drawing outros, Farrah’s last scene of gracing us with her presence on this show can be completed by an animation of her hopping in[to] her flying, rainbowyishnesslike (again, notadirectquote. probably) pegasus horse (which, like its My Little Pony predecessors, will have a specific icon stamped all over its butt in glitter. Presumably, an anatomically precise stamp, a still life in heat-transferable sparkle paint, if you will, of Farrah’s vulva), and taking flight. With the movement of its wings to allow Farrah to, um, mount and enter, BedazzledBoogerButt first knocks down Kerthy. With its first leap forward in its steps toward becoming airborne, it knocks down [Heather? what’s-her-name-fired/previous-producer] who should either be granted immediate sainthood or an inpatient facility life-sentence for being able to navigate the sea of Farrah so successfully she got dragged under, the pegasus-horse’s giant foot crushing, if not her body, certainly her soul. And, with its grandiose if not graceful sweep of its wings in the last part of its maneuver to lift Farrah to ascension, in turn, each member of her family, who are all lined up behind the immediate producers (hands and Botoxed faces reaching out, whether toward her in support or for support will continue to remain both the question of and answer to each of their motivations in remaining so dangerously close to her simultaneous orbit and gravitational pull that, regardless, seems to be leading to everyone’s spinning out of control) are knocked down, In turn, an assembly line’s worth of rectangles, simply-labeled MTV’s Teen Mom Staff, topple like a carefully constructed but easily knocked down dominoes. Farrah, joyful at seemingly having destroyed any and everyone below her ascends upward, but her father had managed to stand up yet again like the giant Weeble punching bag he is, and he begins to call out, “No, Farrah, don’t gooooo.....” Thinking he is begging for her return, rather than giving her an unfinished/unheard/disregarded warning, Farrah is simultaneously angered and satisfied; she knows more than all of those lowly peons (or, as she is sure it is, pee- ones) and would have simultaneously denied hearing it and made up a contradictaory statement as to why she knew that the rest of his sentence, which she never heard nor realized existed, anyway, is wrong, and so, like Icarus (Ick-R-Us, she corrects; that’s where the white trash EPs—my bosses whom I fired and now am suing for my firing them—buy their trashy outfits that fully cover their trashy proportionate and/or natural body parts) and the higher she goes. Finally, with a few more flaps, she is so close to the sun that an optical illusion suggests that it is not revolving around her. Luckily, she knows this, too, like everything and everyone who isn’t her, is wrong. Ironically, it is the bedazzled vajazzle identity-prescribing markings on My-Little-Pegasus-style BackdoorBoogieBling that begin to melt off first, sprinkling toward all those she has stepped on or knocked down in her attempt to prove how much more greater than ;-) above them she is. But she is right about one thing: there IS good reason to immortalize one’s genitalia in silicone and glitter: as if her plastic pussy power has shifted its magic to the freed glitter itself, and, as she promises she can in many a totally self-made, self-love video, it cums down in almost surreal amounts, leading all of those knocked down to ... get up, just in time to see the wings melt next and Farrah—making the sun that revolves around her—move in its orbit, almost as if it is she who is falling and not, of course, the other way around, as she’d have told you had occurred, had all of the hotness that anything near her feels and must act on, not led to her ... exploding in the heat of the moment. Whether the remaining silicone from her pegasus and her sundry implants all melted into one celestial body, separated into a giant heap of space trash, or became just a literal black hole to supplant the previous figurative one she was in mortal form, we may never know. But, her Dad-duh-less only wonders what he can still do to try to help her hear the rest of his cry, “Don’t go ... any higher or lower,” even though he can’t see that, even if she did, she’d instead manage to do both. Debz OG, otoh? Already has Sophia dressed up in a new gown for her wedding, and she’s busy making room on the guest list for this fancy affair—already quite filled with several dozen of Jenelle’s ex-boyfriends, ex-fiancés, ex-husbands, ex-sperm-donors, and their exes, which, alone, has resulted in her commissioning a seating chart from the CDC, given its obvious similarity to their disease-outbreak maps; various other Teen Mom 26 - adjacent subleberties, and anyone she could get to sign up for her as-yet-to-be-determined pyramid scheme via the dark web, but she’s a determined grandma who Wuvs Huh Baybee Sopheeeuh Sooooo Mush, she’ll find a seat for her amidst all of these dear, close, important people in in her life. Even if it’s in the spot of Patient Zero. Unless, of course, the wedding doesn’t happen, now that Farrah’s MTV career (and Debz’s chance at peripheral stardom) has, literally, gone up in flames. Because, if there’s no MTV crew to film it, did it ever really happen? I wonder if LVP thought of all that could...blow up in her face...when she flew in HER horse. Eh, maybe: she brought Rinna with her for that, didn’t she? Rinna’s lips—albeit done decades earlier without all the cautionary tales, because she WAS the cautionary tale—were the prequel for the entire Farrah Abraham dysmorphic-anthropomorphic hybrid signature look. So, perhaps, she did. LVP no dummy: if flying in her horse were to go as fantastically out of control, she was smart enough to bring her own sacrificial platypus. I guess it’s probably too much to depict in the notebook-scribbling-drawings that they use to symbolize the contradictory existence of a teen mom, a child having a child, the school notes the toung people should be taking while they’re actually becoming parents of [not]students, themselves, but only serve to highlight that these women, most though permanently stuck in adolescence in many ways, are no longer teens, are not only not students but didn’t have that taken from them as a result of becoming moms; (excepting Farrah who got her associate’s? at a tenth-tier culinary school and Kail who took eleventeen semesters to complete an even less-regarded BA, and kinda Maci who took as long to earn her no-degree in Public Drinking and fewer credits in total than cans she drinks a night), they never were gonna BE students). Perhaps a Being Farrah’s Horse special instead? Or maybe she’ll get a donkey. And then we can get a double feature: Being Farrah’s Ass and Part II: Being Farrah Second Ass. Shit, still talking ‘bout her booty, the later years. Trilogy, then: Finally: Being Farrah’s Pet Ass.

(After all devoting my entire life to the Olympics and CBB for the past few weeks, I finally just caught up on the past three episodes of TAR. Which was already seemed like a lot, and then I discovered they were all doubles: six hours of this within the last twelve? MY brain was jumbled by the end, so I know there’s no way to accurately imagine how much harder trying to solve a puzzle after 20 or 30 days of nearly break-free racing is than it may appear to me at home. Thank you for clearing up what threw ME about that task (and shows what a mess it was): besides the lack of parallelism among signs I kept thinking the racers were missing something in assuming that the numbers of the leg the image represented were the numbers needed for the combo, and, even after hearing them use variations of 3,1,5, I STILL kept thinking it was wrong (and we just weren’t being shown the solution yet), and it was THAT sign that threw me: seeing the 7-9 on it made me think there were lots of seemingly relevant (image-wise) signs in the area but what the “solution” to determining which counted was noticing those that also had numbers, and then the combination would be those numbers, by order of leg. (I also thought there were six distinct numerals needed for the combo, not just the same three-numeral combo done twice). Thus, 7 and 9 would have been the first two digits, and then whatever numbers were listed with the image for the relative next leg, then the third. (Or, 7 for the first group of the three and 9 for the other, and so on). So, that may have been my misunderstanding or over complicating things, but it was a jacked-up challenge, regardless, in how easy it was to fail by following the spirit of it and, in conjunction, how much more easily once could succeed by not. I don’t recall if there was something more explicit in the directions we heard (or it was in what we didn’t hear) that made it clear they were just trying to find out the corresponding leg numbers, or what determined their order when they had them. As apparently there was no rule that they’d be penalized for not having found the actual sign, it was clearly quicker to just run the combos. I’m surprised that the Doing Debate Has Taught Us To Use Logic and Reason Team of STFU* didn’t do that immediately, with Evan’s simultaneously mentally composing the TH of superfluous arrogant superiority* of how their experience led them to be able to weigh the pros and cons of putting in the time and physical energy into a crapshoot scavenger hunt versus investing their time into using their assets of such decision making and their knowledge of the math involved, which let them know not only the maximum amount of time it would require but the likelihood that they would excel at this determination more quickly than any of the other teams. *I spent a long time trying to believe that a lot of those interview responses were the result of very leading questions, esp as a team that is physically competent but not in the league of their competitors who can overcome that gap with intelligent and decisive reasoning makes them the type of team, theoretically, I WANT to route for. But, even discounting the obvious aspects of the “So how do you think your debate experience helped you to succeed in this leg” line of questioning to which they (Evan) were clearly replying, I still found nearly everything about her responses insufferable, and by the final six, I realized I only cared about their getting eliminated. (Even though it was clear, despite her great intellect, she couldn’t use a consistent verb tense when talking about doing well or not, exactly when she would or wouldn’t go on, so she those same self-indulgent THs left exactly zero suspense during the leg that they’d come in last but not be eliminated, I still literally and audibly booed at my TV. Which leads me to: I really didn’t see it this way. And, again, I typically would, and I’d typically route for the Evan/Henry-type team to win (or at least make it to final 3) to foil their plans. But, in this case, I think the other three teams just really enjoyed each other’s company (and, like the rare Survivor or B.B. alliance who actually agrees that, if they make it to F4 or F3 together, then they’ll battle it out, no totem pole or side deals within), they wanted to all get to that last leg and then fight it out, because they liked each other and also respected each other’s play: none of them would have been complacent with a “we’re just glad to have made it to the F3 and now we’re happy to see any of the three of us win” but rather “We want to battle it out with people we enjoy but who also challenge us, and we’ll fight our asses off to beat them in the end (but have respect for them if they can beat us, once we get over our disappointment).” They just didn’t have that rapport with E&H, and I think that was more ofE/H’s doing than anyone setting out to exclude them, although I’m sure it was amplified by the simple fact of E/H’s seeming to be at a very different place in their lives than the other three: I’m not sure of the actual age gaps, but E/H seemed to be like kids fresh out of school, just starting their lives, who might have more formal education (or at least a focus on it and their success at it as a key to their foundation; I’m not sure about most of the others, but I think at least some may have at least the same level of education, but they’re either at a point in their lives where it’s not as defining or they focused on other things), and maybe ARE, by most metrics, “the smartest” ones, but they are just still too fresh to know what they don’t know yet. Whether they’re just slightly younger or quite a bit than the other three, they really came across as simply at an age- or life-stage-difference that made them seem as, at best, younger siblings with too great an age gap to readily be peers, which didn't lead to their fitting in with the other three, but, with different personality types, that inandof itself needn’t exclude them (remembering the relationship Momily had with other teams): I think they weren’t the type to accept a role a group in which they might be the “younger ones whom everyone loves (and wants to protect because of that), because, even though it needn’t be (my friends were always much older than me, and I was no younger sibling type), they’d see it as being in the position of inferiority. And, again, hopefully just because they don’t even yet know that they don’t know what they don’t know (follow? ;-) ), more than that they’re not willing to potentially feel like the ones with less power in a relationship with another team, they really see themselves as superior—despite the others’ accomplishments in their life sectors (ok, I can easily understand not recognizing Jessica’s being near the top of the field of hostesses as a comparable accomplishment, but...) the other five have already accomplished a lot in their respective arenas, but they’re ones that are decidedly more blue-class/physical, and I don't think these highly successful ... college extracurricular activity champs get that, once they really get into their careers, that won’t remain as more than a footnote on their resumes (even though I don’t disagree with the point of their THs that the skills developed from it will inform whatever else they do. Otoh, I find it surprising that anyone so apparently successful at debate couldn’t even present a compelling, argument (that was left verbally unchallenged) that they weren’t extremely unlikable, self-entitled, immature young people who lacked the very worldliness, experience, and maturity to make them less ... them ... than they seemed to believe they had in spades. I would never have thought so, both coming off of BB* and because for a long time I really wanted the skiers to win because I do think this race is, generally, more challenging for teams of two women to win and, while I’m not going to root for a F/F team JUST because they’re female (Goat Girls couldn’t get off my screen fast enough), I think it’s even harder for them to do well in EVERY leg (overall, things tend to balance out, so, (for anyone), as long as you’re not eliminated in a leg that’s heavy in your area of weakness, that can be mitigated), but these women were SO consistent with their top-3 finishes that, until the last two legs (where top-3 obvs isn’t so meaningful, and they were also struggling way more than they had been: if the field were 12 and not 4 when E/H got kept in an extra leg to ruin everything and after, I think they could have been much closer to the bottom: killer fatigue seemed to really strike them, while E/H seemed to be re-energized by their success after U-Turns and roadblocks), I’d have said they were the best racers overall. But, somehow, I found myself rooting (well, first, for a not-Evan win, but then) for Jess and Cody to pull it off. And now I feel dead inside.

(I started writing this earlier, when the above was posted, but...life. It turns out to be a fitting Big Brother Obituary. If it turns out I know someone who’s starred slept with Brandi, I guess I’ll be able to write a fitting closer-to-fame tribute to her, too. Edit: ^that I find out that I know someone who has... it seems unlikely that I, or anyone, doesn’t actually know at least one person who has). Oh my god (oh my god, you guys!)* So, I didn’t make it past the acoustic guitar faux-playing, but I got an epiphany out of it. I am one of The Olds who’d never heard of James, and Big Time Rush didn’t really strike me as familiar either, although the idea of the Nick-Show-about-Kids-in-a-Band-Who-Later-Become-an-Actual-Successful(fsvo)-Band (of which I can never remember the name) DID, but I didn’t think much about it, as I figured that probably described half of their line-up. And, that’s because I had a former acting student who was cast—within I think weeks of his graduating and heading to Hollywood—in something that I’d describe identically. At the time, I didn’t realize it was more than a glorified extra kinda role, as I assumed he was a little old for the Nickelodeon factory, but I knew he’d done a bunch of work with them when he was a ‘tween, and he was a damn good-looking kid (and actually immensely talented), so I figured he had an in and they gave him some older-brother extended guest-star gig or something. (I may be waaay off on my general assumptions on Nick programming; I just thought it both skewed younger and that they built their shows around actual kids that they could develop and then unleash onto the world at the peak of their mid-pubescent midnight feeding like the other Nick-grown Gremlins**, like the other one that has been one step removed from a Big Brother HG**, that, even while another network might prefer to cast an 18+-year-old (with the type of look younger girls will probably go ga-ga over but by no means would be mistaken for 14) as a young HSer just to save money/not deal with child labor and esp CA set laws (see: original recipe 90210, for example), Nick seemed to stick with younger ones as investments so they could own a piece of their future earnings). So I was floored a few years later when I found out he wasn’t just one of the main stars of this show, but that they’d gone on to become a band in their own right whom my more teeny-bopper middle schoolers were into (most would never admit to liking anything but hip-hop, so I had no sense of how big they really were or weren’t) and even more surprised to learn he’d married a pretty established actor. All this to say: it was while being tortured by this video that the fact that, the other night, James mentioned during Question Time (Truth or Dare? Some game that always turns into the White House/Tony-Award-Winning/Replace-as-Relevant Glory Days Humble[ornot]brag Hour) that he started his BTR show when he was 17—also, much older than I’d expected—that the similarities between the descriptions of these shows-turned-boybands meant either I was wrong about Nick casting (and that their shows were even more clone-like than I’d thought), OR Occam’s Razor sez: ::smacks head, checks Wiki:: Ohmygod, yup, my little star was in (whatever the hell is) Big Time Rush with The James Maslow, the incredible talent featured above! Like, I am just one degree of separation from THAT level of talent? I mean, I was pretty proud of this kid to begin with, but to know his cast-and band mate truly made it all the way to C-List Big Brother? That’s like as cool as ... when half of the cast of (I don’t even remember what it was called, but one of the early Bachelor knock-offs, I think the gimmick was half the guys were cute and half...weren’t? Not sure; I’ve never watched any of those shows because people flaunting their heterosexuality goes against my morals and ethics; I don’t judge them but I don’t know why they can’t keep that stuff to themselves, like, why we gotta know about it?) were people I knew or knew of from where I grew up, because it was so low-budget that they did their entire casting at like three bars in the tri-state area. Yup: I’d say it’s precisely that level of cool. *Sorry, shout out to my fellow theater nerds. **a) Again, theater-nerd shout-out, but the only reason I knew of Arianna Grande at the time her brother was cast on BB was because of the musical Thirteen (and having heard of her Nick roots as a result) and b) please accept my apologies for triggering any repressed trauma from that dark time in our collective B.B. memory. Note to self: learn not to write as much as Marissa talks.