Line Items: West Wing Quotes

[FozzyBear]

So I though I'd start a thread just for our favorite quotes. I'll start with one of my favorites.

Donna(after discovering she, Josh, and Toby are in a different time zone than they though); Ok this has become a whole new thing. My guys are going to need a minute to walk this off.

[Diane]

The very first episode, when Bartlett makes his grand entrance:

 

John thinks that they should begin to honor the 1st Commandment, "honor thy father and mother" which Toby angrily declares to be the 3rd commandment. John asks angrily what the 1st commandment is. President Bartlet enters and loudly declares, "I am the Lord your God. Thou shalt worship no other god before me."

"Boy, those were the days." just love Martin Sheen and his delivery.

[Bastet]

Except wasn't it pointed out by viewers far more familiar with the Bible than I (and Sorkin, apparently) that the first commandment is actually something else?  Actually, on second thought, I think it was Toby who was wrong.

 

In that vein, the grammar in this is inexusable, but I love it anyway:

 

Sam is aghast that there are bathrobes available in the women's locker room, but not the men's. "Now, that's outrageous.  There's a thousand men working here and 50 women."

 

C.J. responds, "Yeah, and it's the bathrobes that's outrageous."

 

From Toby, in the same episode:

 

"If you combine the populations of Great Britain, France, Germany, Japan, Switzerland, Sweden, Denmark and Australia, you'll get a population roughly the size of the United States. We had 32,000 gun deaths last year, they had 112. Do you think it's because Americans are more homicidal by nature? Or do you think it's because those guys have gun control laws?"

Edited June 24, 2014 by Bastet

[FozzyBear]

Donna when trying to talk Josh down from something:" And then you end up at my apartment drunk, yelling at my roommate's cat."

[BizBuzz]

HA!  I actually watched 20 Hours in America Part 2 today, so I remember that quote well @FozzyBear !

 

Toward the end when Bartlett was talking about the school bombings and then it shows Bruno and Sam listening, and Bruno says to Sam:  that last part, when did you write it?  Sam says:  in the car.  Bruno says:  freak.

 

The look Sam gives Bruno is priceless.

[AriAu]

The one I use the most, and I use many, many lines, is "Good writers borrow from other writers-great writers steal outright". Ok, Sorkin stole it from TS Eliot, but at least he stole a good one.

I've also been no to say that "more and more, we've come to expect less and less from each other", but I then have to decide if I stole it from TWW or SportsNight or both.

 

ETA: BIzBuzz, we both stole from the same great episode(s). I think I'll need to watch it/them tonight.

Edited June 24, 2014 by AriAu

[fireice13]

Toby: "We can't quote a communist."

 

Sam: "Why not? You think a communist never wrote an elegant phrase? How do you think they got them all to be communists."

 

I have so many, but that exchange is one of my top favorites. 

[Diane]

Except wasn't it pointed out by viewers far more familiar with the Bible than I (and Sorkin, apparently) that the first commandment is actually something else?  Actually, on second thought, I think it was Toby who was wrong.

 

 

If you read the catholic 10 commandments it is as follows:

I. I am the Lord your God: you shall not have strange gods before me. You shall not make for yourself a graven image,

 

so they were pretty much right.

Edited June 25, 2014 by dcmjdc2

[Bastet]

Another one I've been known to paraphrase for my own purposes is Lionel Tribbey's response to Leo's admonition that we practice tolerance for those whose beliefs differ from our own:

 

"I believe as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant towards gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the First, Fourth, Fifth and Ninth Amendments, I will remain intolerant towards him."

[BizBuzz]

I love John Larroquette!  I wish we would have seen more of him.

 

I was ready to go someplace warm, with a beach, somebody bringing me drinks with little umbrellas in them!

 

I actually use this line a lot. 

[eyebleach]

It is so nonsensical but all of the interactions around CJ's root canal in "Celestial Navigation" remains some of my favourite TV of all time.  Between CJ's slurring of words and Josh's journey into the Press room - it is just some of the best banter.

 

Josh Lyman: Uh, long story short - you're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.
President Josiah Bartlet: I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
Josh Lyman: No.
President Josiah Bartlet: Why am I going to be reading that I do?
Josh Lyman: It was suggested in the press room that you did.
President Josiah Bartlet: By who?
Josh Lyman: By me.
President Josiah Bartlet: You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
Josh Lyman: No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear I did not do that. Except yes, I did that.
President Josiah Bartlet: Josh, I'm a little confused.
Josh Lyman: Sir, there was this idiotic round robin. It was sarcastic! There's no way they didn't know that. They were just mad at me for imposing discipline and calling them stupid.

[Bastet]

"Okay, before we go on - C.J., if blood is gushing from the head wound you just received from a stampeding herd of bison, you'll do the press briefing."

[eyebleach]

"You shouldn’t say that C.J., you’ve got a great body... Here we go. Woo!"

[St. Claire]

A secwet pwan to fight infwation?!?!

[Eeksquire]

As soon as I saw this thread title I though, "Yes! A secwet pwan to fight infwation!"

 

I also love Toby's response to Sam's declaration that he "accidentally" slept with a prostitute: "I don't understand. Did you trip over something?"

[eyebleach]

As soon as I saw this thread title I though, "Yes! A secwet pwan to fight infwation!"

 

I also love Toby's response to Sam's declaration that he "accidentally" slept with a prostitute: "I don't understand. Did you trip over something?"

I used that line on a friend once when she claimed to have "accidentally" hooked up with some guy.  Shockingly she didn't find it as funny as I did!

[betsyboo]

"YOU FECKLESS THUG."  i try to use that one when it's appropriate, which is almost never.

 

"In the future, if you're wondering, "Crime. Boy, I don't know" is when I decided to kick your ass."

 

"In this house, when the President stands, nobody sits."

 

my absolute favorite exchange is when Josh goes to get Sam from his job (in the flashback) and all he does is look into the conference room so Sam can see his face. Sam abruptly pushes back from the table and says "well, i'm not going to need THAT anymore" and walks out.

Edited July 28, 2014 by betsyboo

[Eeksquire]

 

"In the future, if you're wondering, "Crime. Boy, I don't know" is when I decided to kick your ass."

YESSSS!!!!! One of my favorite Martin Sheen moments of all time.  That, and when he's yelling at God, in Latin, at the church at Mrs. Landingham's funeral.

[Eeksquire]

"Loosen your tie.  Loosen whatever you'd like." ~Abby Bartlett, just before having sex with Jed for the first time after he got shot.  (Except she then refuses to after he makes fun of the Nellie Bly statue.)  

 

I so love Stockard Channing.

[Bastet]

"I'm just going to sit here and think about plutonium and the things I can do with it."

[eyebleach]

Another fav Bartlet quote:  No. No "however". Just be wrong. Just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong and get used to it.

[Crs97]

One of my favorites from Sam that always makes me chuckle:

"I think it was clear the way I ate the crab puff that it was a gesture of protest."

I also love that after President Bartlett finishes with Jenna Jacobs, Sam walks up to her and takes her crab puff.

[betsyboo]

"What's next?" is still a favorite.

[Desiree]

"SO FAR UP YOUR ASS!" I love this whole rant from CJ to Josh, but just the way she says this line KILLS me every time!

[Aethera]

I don't even know where to begin here.  I've watched this show so many times, I think I have it memorized.  It's the little moments that I tend to quote.  Here is a small selection, ha.

 

The other day a friend of mine got hopelessly turned around, and I said to myself "If Donna wasn't with them, they'd have to buy a house" in reference to 20 Hours in America when they get left behind by the motorcade.

 

The entire Season 7 episode Bradley Whitford wrote (Internal Displacement) where Doug Westin is 'banging the nanny' has incredible exchanges in it, mostly with CJ.  With Danny:  "Is that a euphemism?" "No...well bangin' is I guess!" said with such glee on Danny's part.  When CJ tells Kate about it and Kate just goes "GET. OUT." and then everything that follows that exchange.  And then a couple of things with Will.  "Did you take an awkward pill?".  Brilliant comedy in that episode.  Honestly, I don't know why Whitford doesn't write more.  Maybe he does, and I just don't know, of course.

 

I know, I'm the weird person who likes season 7.

 

Regarding John Laroquette, my old roommate and I still yell "HOLDING IT IN MY HAND LEO" whenever someone loses something and one of us finds it. 

 

Also, my friends and I all absolutely love the entire Zoey Panic Button sequence from Mr Willis from Ohio in Season 1.   "You guys don't realize this, but you're having a pretty bad night" and all of that.  And then the aftermath. "There were no two guys that either one of you could have taken."

 

Finally, the scene where they're throwing snowballs at Donna's window in Inauguration: Over There.  Good Cop, Bad Cops.  This is the only one I had to look up, which is sad:

 

JOSH
It's good cop/bad cop. I'm the good cop; the four of you are the bad cop. Will,
what
are you?

WILL
The bad cop.

JOSH
Danny what are you?

DANNY
The bad cop.

JOSH
Toby, what are you?

TOBY
Hurry up.

JOSH
Charlie, who are you?

CHARLIE
I love Zoey, and I must have her back.

 

 

Ok, I'll stop now.  And then go watch West Wing.

[BizBuzz]

I know, I'm the weird person who likes season 7.

You are not weird, unless I am too.

 

For me, The West Wing is actually two different series.  Season 1-4 is one series, and then Season 5-7 is another series.  When I look at them that way, I can equally like both showrunners.  Both had their high points.

 

I just watched What Kind of Day Has it Been? today.  I can never NOT laugh:

 

JOSH:  I apologize.

LEO:  Your apology's accepted. (Leo sort of reaches out and Josh moves in for a hug)

LEO:  What are you doing?

JOSH:  It looked like you wanted to hug me.

LEO:  Oh, man, did you read that wrong.

[AriAu]

My son and my niece both decided to binge on the show and my son is marveling at how much I throw TWW lines into everyday conversation.

He watched Shibboleth and said he now gets why its funny when ever anyone is looking for a knife and I say, "with all due respect, they all cut, you know, meat"-by the way, watched that scene with him and even tho I have seen it about a 1000 times, I still get goosebumps as POTUS says, "It was made for my family by a Boston silversmith named Paul Revere".

And just yesterday, after a series of veryfrustrating events, I looked at someone and boomed, in my best Larroquette/Tribbey, "Someone is going to die today...I am going ot kill them with this bat and then I'll kill them again with my hands"!

[BizBuzz]

I would like to discuss the hiring of blonde and leggy fascists whose knowledge does not include the proper order of the alphabet for positions of the White House Counsel's office.

 

I wish Lionel Tribbey was in more West Wing than he was.  :-(

[Diane]

20 Hours in America Part 2

 

    Nancy McNally: Leo. Yeoman Fitzwallace.
    Admiral Fitzwallace: Dr. McNally.
    Nancy McNally: Let's attack.
    Admiral Fitzwallace: Who?
    Nancy McNally: Qumar. Let's recommend to the President that we attack.
    Leo McGarry: Why?
    Nancy McNally: 'Cause I've had it.
    Admiral Fitzwallace: I don't think the UN is going to let us do it for that reason.
    Nancy McNally: That's 'cause you're a sissy. You want peace in the Middle East? Give me a pair of third generation ICBM's and a compass. You get B-2 Spirit   stealth bombers over Qumar right now; as if the Qumari Air defense system requires stealth capability. Just fly in at night, and while you're at it, could you order the USS Louisiana to fire off a D-5 Trident just to see if it works? What's the worst that could happen?
    Admiral Fitzwallace: Is she talking to me?
    Nancy McNally: Yes!
    Admiral Fitzwallace: Well, 98% of all living organisms within a seven mile radius would die instantly in a torrent of fire.
    Nancy McNally: Admiral Sissymary... We're running out of options on the menu.

 

Love this exchange.

[betsyboo]

Season 5, Ep 1: (paraphrase)

 

Toby: "He's gotta step down! I've known my kids 45 minutes and I'd bomb Hanoi if I had to!"

[Eeksquire]

Jed on Gay Marriage: This is just wrong. We shouldn't be defining love, and we certainly shouldn't be ill-defining it.

 

I love Jed.

[PeterPirate]

Some of my faves that I use from time to time:   

 

"Let see how the pizza turns out."  When my course of action is conditional on something else happening. (Leo actually said "We'll see how the pizza turns out.")  

 

"J'accuse, mon petite fromage!"  When someone else does something dumb. 

 

"Gawd, I hate plutonium."  When something bad happens.  

[Blakeston]

I also love Toby's response to Sam's declaration that he "accidentally" slept with a prostitute: "I don't understand. Did you trip over something?"

 

I loved Sam's insistence that she was a call girl, rather than a prostitute.

 

Toby: Well that's a distinction that's going to be very important to the grand jury.

Edited September 5, 2014 by Blakeston

[Aethera]

"Did you trip over something?" and "Have you fallen on your head? Have you fallen down and hit your head on something hard?" are two lines I use a lot when someone says something stupid.  Similarly themed there.

[Bastet]

I use "I don't understand.  Did you trip over something?" whenever someone says they "accidentally" did something that was not at all accidental.

 

I don't root for Cal (sorry, C.J.) since they're Pac-12 rivals, but any time I watch them play I think of this (after Sam watches C.J. toss a "Go, Bears" into a press conference):

 

"By the way, my Princeton Tigers could whoop your Cal Bears any day of the week."

"At what?"

"Logarithms, possibly."

[Aethera]

Ha, whenever I hear anything about Michigan, I can't help hearing "You didn't say Michigan sucks? I thought you said Michigan sucks." Sorry Michigan, no offense!

[PeterPirate]

"Check out Superfly!"  I say this to myself when something unexpected happens.  

 

Ha, whenever I hear anything about Michigan, I can't help hearing "You didn't say Michigan sucks? I thought you said Michigan sucks." Sorry Michigan, no offense!

 

And, of course, the rejoinder:  "Notre Dame is gonna get the ass-kicking they so richly deserve."  

 

Notre Dame beat Michigan 31-0 in the most recent game. It appears that it was the final game of the rivalry. 

[DebbieW]

I use the Santos quote "You can hang by your thumbs for five days" all the time (insert whatever the appropriate amount of time is).

 

Also, whenever I see my teenaged son unexpectedly (he gets up early or band practice is canceled) I say "Hey, Dalai Lama."  - Leo's way of setting up an accidental meeting with the drunken Russian ambassador.

[eyebleach]

Oh, another fav Jed line....upon telling Abby that she signed Zoe's medical forms and didn't disclose his MS:

 

"you did, hot pants" 

 

I throw that one at friends from time to time :)

[Diane]

from The Crackpots and These Women

Josh: God, C.J. It's not going to be like that. It's not gonna be the red phone and nuclear bombs.

C.J.: What's it going to be?
Josh: It's going to be this! It's going to be something like this. Smallpox has been gone for fifty years. No one has an acquired immunity. Flies through the air. You get it, you carry a ten foot cloud around with you. One in three people die. If 100 people in New York City got it, you'd have to encircle them with 100 million vaccinated people to contain it. Do you know how many doses of smallpox vaccines exist in the country? Seven! If 100 people in New York City get it, there's gonna be a global medical emergency that's gonna make HIV look like cold and flu season. That's how it's gonna be, a little test tube with a... a rubber cap that's deteriorating... a guy steps out of Times Square station, [imitates a smashing noise]. smashes it on the sidewalk... there is a world war right there.
C.J.: We'll make more vaccine.
Josh: You better hurry, 'cause I'm the only one with one of these cards.

 

also:

 

Bartlet: It was not a space ship from another planet, just another time -- a long since abandoned Soviet satellite. One of its booster rockets didn't fire and it couldn't escape Earth's orbit. A sad reminder of the time when two powerful nations challenged each other and then boldly raced into outer space. What will be the next thing that challenges us, Toby? That makes us go farther and work harder? You know that when smallpox was eradicated, it was considered the single greatest humanitarian achievement of this century? Surely we can do it again, as we did in the time when our eyes looked towards the heavens, and with outstretched fingers we touched the face of God.

[Diane]

20 hours in America part 2 (watched this afternoon, one of my favorite episodes.)

 

BARTLET:   ...restoring abundance amid an economic shortfall, securing peace in a time of global conflict,
sustaining hope in this winter of anxiety and fear. More than any time in recent history, America's
destiny is not of our own choosing. We did not seek nor did we provoke an assault on our freedom
and our way of life. We did not expect nor did we invite a confrontation with evil. Yet the true
measure of a people's strength is how they rise to master that moment when it does arive. 44 people
were killed a couple of hours ago at Kennison State University. Three swimmers from the men's team
were killed and two others are in critical condition. When, after having heard the explosion from
their practice facility, they ran into the fire to help get people out. Ran into the fire. The
streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight. They're our students and our teachers and
our parents and our friends. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels, but every time we
think we have measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that
capacity may well be limitless. this is a time for American heroes. We will do what is hard We will
achieve what is great. This is a time for American heroes and we reach for the stars. God bless
their memory, God bless you and God bless the United State of America. Thank you.

 

The crowd stands up and applauds.

 

 

Sam and Bruno are standing up clapping.

BRUNO:  When did you write that last part?

SAM: In the car.

BRUNO: Freak.

[AriAu]

LOVE the speech (especially "We will do what is hard We will achieve what is great.")  and MS' delivery of most of the lines and the music and the setting and the lighting and Mallory's dress but I thought

This is a time for American heroes and we reach for the stars.

 

was just a little too cheesy. I guess that is what you get from writing done in the car on the way over.

[BW Manilowe]

The "Streets of Heaven" section was also used by Tom Hanks in his Oscar acceptance speech for Philadelphia.

[eyebleach]

Happy Thanksgiving, friends!

 

[PeterPirate]

Faith is the true shibboleth.  

[betsyboo]

In honor of the day, I'm reposting my favorite  CJ scene here:

 

my fave scene is absolutely picking between the two turkeys - "I tell you what's of some concern to me, that I've been talking out loud this whole time. That's very unsettling."

[Driad]

 

C.J. Cregg: They sent me two turkeys. The more photo-friendly of the two gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's zoo. The runner-up gets eaten.
President Josiah Bartlet: If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch.

[BizBuzz]

So I am watching Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and this scene pops up:

 

 

And all I could think of was this scene, is that a bad thing?

 

BARTLET
You know what you are? You are the Charlie Brown of missile defense. The Pentagon is Lucy.

 

LEO
I'm not familiar with the reference.

 

BARTLET
Peanuts. Charlie Brown.

 

LEO
I've heard of them. I'm just not conversant in them.

 

BARTLET
Why?

 

LEO
I've never read the comics.

 

BARTLET
Leo, were you born at the age of 55?

 

LEO
I know there's a dog.

 

BARTLET
Charlie Brown wanted to kick a football and Lucy would hold it, except she'd pull it
away at the last minute and Charlie Brown would fall on his butt.

 

LEO
That's funny?

 

BARTLET
No, but each time Lucy would find a way to convince Charlie Brown that this time she
wouldn't pull the ball away. But she would and, once again, Charlie Brown would fall
on his butt.

 

LEO
And that's funny?

 

BARTLET
Its' satirical.

 

LEO
What's it satirizing?

 

BARTLET
The DOD bringing you to the Situation Room every time they run a new missile test so
that you come tell me how great it works so I'll put money in the NMD system.

 

LEO
You should put money in the NMD system.

 

BARTLET
It doesn't work.

 

LEO
It will work. One day soon.

 

LEO
There're a couple of three star generals in there. Call 'em Lucy and you're on your own.

[ProudMary]

I love this one from "The Indians in the Lobby".  Martin Sheen's delivery on the final line gets me laughing every time.
President Bartlet: You know that line you're not supposed to cross with the President?

C.J.: I'm coming up on it?
President Bartlet: No, no. Look behind you

Another favorite, although I'm not going to quote the entire speech, is from "Game On" where Bartlet tells Ritchie during the debate that "Unfunded Mandate" is two words and ends with "Can we have it back please?"  Then, C.J. turns to Toby and says, "This ain't gonna be Uncle Fluffy."  Awesome moment.

TWW is my favorite show of all time.

[Eeksquire]

Is Game On the episode where Abby cuts his tie in half moments before he goes out to the debate? I love that whole exchange: "I feel I haven't done enough to help you prepare this time around..." "Why are you telling me this NOW?!" And then she pulls out the scissors.