Relationship Thread: Advice, Venting And Everything Else

[JTMacc99]

5 hours ago, auntlada said:

Do you need some of Granny's spring tonic?

Probably. Or tequila. 

[auntlada]

27 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

Probably. Or tequila. 

It may be the same thing.

[Moose135]

On 4/7/2017 at 11:36 PM, riley702 said:

Don't forget Freddie Mercury:

There's a joke there that will probably get me banned from PTV... ;-)

[ari333]

46 minutes ago, Moose135 said:

There's a joke there that will probably get me banned from PTV... ;-)

Now I need to know, but I do NOT want you banned. 

[ennui]

On 4/7/2017 at 4:33 PM, ratgirlagogo said:

Stephen King,

The man who wrote Cat From Hell?  *shudder* 

[Irish Lass]

So on May 27th it will be my boyfriend and I One Year Relationship Anniversary and I want it to be really special. This guy is an amazing part of my life and has been by my side through a lot even in the short time we have been together. Before we even officially starting dating he knew I had POTS(Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) and he still wanted to be with me. He has been amazing through it all and I have had many terrible days as we were together and he was always by my side through it all. So I really want this to be special. We are both 17 years old so if you are around that age or even if you can remember back to that time or have a daughter who has gone through something similar and have any advice for me for my special day that would be awesome.

[theredhead77]

On 11/25/2016 at 10:12 PM, theredhead77 said:

I just have to vent here before I become a 14 year old girl and rant on Facebook. I have standing Black Friday plans with a friend. We've done something every year for the last 6+ years. I confirmed that we were doing something today back in October and it was confirmed. On Monday I was informed that said friend was going wine tasting with other friends, that they were "roped into it" during a Halloween party. No asshole, you had plans with me, first. Reschedule yours. No, they "couldn't" be rescheduled. You love wine tasting, don't make it seem like a chore and don't be surprised that I'm pissed you're flaking on our standing tradition that I fucking confirmed.

Then I made plans with another friend to do something today. Last night when I confirmed she informed me she was going out of town with other friends. So you couldn't tell me earlier?

I have no social plans this 4 day weekend because I was cancelled on so they could do stuff with other friends (of course posting all over Facebook) and I'm seriously pissed at my flaky ass friends.

 

On 1/9/2017 at 6:35 PM, theredhead77 said:

Last night I turned on my work phone in preparation for Monday. I had a message on it from tradition friend, a last minute invite to a bar crawl he was doing Sat. in my neck of the woods. Never in the 10 years that I've known him or the 2 years I've had this second number has he ever called or texted me on anything but my primary phone.  It was a minimal effort make himself feel better text. My response was "hey, not sure if you meant to send this to me but my phone was off, hope you had fun". Response was "Yes, it was intended for you, not sure why it started a new thread though". Me "this is my work phone". Response "oh, well I was a few drinks in when I sent this, I must have selected the wrong number".

No, you intentionally selected it, invited me so last minute that you were already hours into it knowing I wouldn't go, just so you can tell yourself you made an effort so you can bitch to your friends about making all the effort and how you're done with it. When you know someone long enough you know how they roll. Peace.

So going on 5 months of no contact. Other than the drunken invite and random "likes" on Facebook he's made zero effort. I think he's waiting for me to apologize but I did nothing wrong. My birthday is coming up and he's not invited to my party. He's been out of town the past few years and I suspect he thinks I forgot he's going to be in town this year.

Unless he apologizes, I consider this friendship over. If it makes it a year without any effort / contact by him then it's Facebook unfriending too. D.O.N.E.

[BookWoman56]

5 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

Unless he apologizes, I consider this friendship over. If it makes it a year without any effort / contact by him then it's Facebook unfriending too. D.O.N.E.

That seems like a reasonable idea. This person has gone from someone you had standing plans with to someone who bailed on you because of a "better" offer and who followed up by sending a text on a weekend to your business phone. Given the lack of contact since then, it sounds as if this particular friend is more or less ghosting you, for unknown reasons. The lack of contact for a year wouldn't necessarily bother me, but I am reclusive and most of my friends are people who don't need regular contact. That is, we may chat every day for a week, and then not touch base with each other for several months. However, there are people that I no longer consider friends but just acquaintances at this point, and periodically I consider if I really want to keep the friend status on FB when the only contact between us is a happy birthday post annually. Your situation is different, though, and brings up a pet peeve. When person A and person B have been friends for a fairly long time (at least a few years), and Person A decides he/she is no longer invested in the friendship, why is it so damn difficult to just tell person B, "I've enjoyed your friendship, but we seem to be drifting apart," rather than doing the ghosting routine? I understand ghosting someone when you've already made it clear that you are out of the relationship/friendship but that person just will not listen and keeps contacting you. I also understand that it would be at least somewhat hurtful to hear from a friend that he/she is essentially bailing on the friendship or downgrading it to acquaintances who might bump into each other when with mutual friends but aren't close. But to go quickly from maintaining regular contact and getting together fairly often to no contact or one token bullshit contact before going completely silent is even more hurtful, at least IMO. It's been a long time since that happened to me, but the sting is still there. 

Speaking of which, it's been a weird experience for me over the past couple of years. A mutual friend contacted me, a former BFF who had ghosted me back when we were in college, and a few other friends to set up an online reunion of sorts; we had all been very close while in high school and most of college, and the organizer decided he wanted to touch base with everyone.  I was a little apprehensive because it had been so long since I talked to former BFF, and I told myself I would not send a friend request to her; it would be up to her to do so if she wanted. She did; I accepted; and we have since bonded over shared political views, certain causes, and so forth, while another former BFF who was in that same group has more or less hit acquaintance status. It's just odd in that the former BFF/ghost and I have discovered we now have way more in common than back when we were in college, while the person with whom I thought it would be easy to resume a real friendship has changed so much that I keep asking myself WTF happened, because her current self is not anybody I would really want to hang out with very much. 

Edited April 18, 2017 by BookWoman56
Corrected typo

[theredhead77]

18 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

That seems like a reasonable idea. This person has gone from someone you had standing plans with to someone who bailed on you because of a "better" offer and who followed up by sending a text on a weekend to your business phone. Given the lack of contact since then, it sounds as if this particular friend is more or less ghosting you, for unknown reasons. The lack of contact for a year wouldn't necessarily bother me, but I am reclusive and most of my friends are people who don't need regular contact. That is, we may chat every day for a week, and then not touch base with each other for several months. However, there are people that I no longer consider friends but just acquaintances at this point, and periodically I consider if I really want to keep the friend status on FB when the only contact between us is a happy birthday post annually. Your situation is different, though, and brings up a pet peeve. 

I don't think he's ghosting me; he doesn't see what he did as wrong, or needing to apologize for more than the "I know you're mad, I'm sorry" when the whole thing went down which was not good enough for me. It sucks but the last time we had a mini-falling out I was the one who put on the grown up pants and initiated the "can we talk" conversation. I'm over it; I don't even really have fun when we're out. He's all about appearances and doing things to post on Facebook / Instagram and that's not my style. Oh, and he's a 45 y/o man, not a 22 y/o boy.

[BookWoman56]

If he's not ghosting you, then is it possible this is some weird sort of power/ego trip for him? That is, he doesn't feel that he did anything wrong, but he's going to wait for you to initiate contact again, apologize for having been offended by his crappy behavior, and invite him to some event, etc.? Given his age and focus on appearances for FB/Instagram fodder, he seems like a fairly superficial person. It sounds as if you are ready to move on, and if so, I can't blame you. A few times in my life, I have had to assess a friendship and decide that it's just not worth the hassle of me always being the one to accommodate that person's whims and so forth. Several years ago, a group of friends and I mutually decided that we just couldn't deal with the ongoing bullshit of one particular person in our group. That situation was a bit different, in that she was a drama queen who craved constant attention, made bad decision after bad decision and then wanted a pity party after we had advised her repeatedly that X would be a bad decision, flaked out on planned events regularly but would get offended if anyone contacted her the day before a planned event to confirm if she was actually going to show up, etc. We just had our fill of unnecessary drama and tension, and bailed. In your situation, you're the only one who can decide if you want to hang onto this friendship, which seems from an outside perspective as if you're the only one who's been putting in major effort to maintain it. If you're not enjoying his company when you hang out and he's treating your friendship as disposable goods, then I think your approach of waiting to see if he goes for a year without meaningful contact and then unfriending him is the best thing to do. 

[theredhead77]

13 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

If he's not ghosting you, then is it possible this is some weird sort of power/ego trip for him? That is, he doesn't feel that he did anything wrong, but he's going to wait for you to initiate contact again, apologize for having been offended by his crappy behavior, and invite him to some event, etc.? Given his age and focus on appearances for FB/Instagram fodder, he seems like a fairly superficial person. It sounds as if you are ready to move on, and if so, I can't blame you. 

You nailed it, both of those and that he probably thinks he apologized. For a long time he was one of my only friends so I clung to the friendship so I had things to do and I was one of the few people he didn't flake on (of course I always knew it could happen to me). On the flip side, I was one of the first people he came out to, we know each others families, we travel(ed) together. So the history that is there, is full of good times, and bad times, mostly fun times but over the years I've gotten tired of his superficial ways. He lost his high paying, corporate sales job a couple years ago and I know that really hurt him but also brought his ego down a couple pegs so I tried but in the end, eh, 10 years is a good run.

[JTMacc99]

Oh my goodness. I get my e-mail from woot.com with the daily specials today, and they have all of the Star Wars shirts up on shirt-woot, since tomorrow is May the fourth. (May the fourth be with you...)  So I click on it, just to see if they have any cute ones, and I scroll down a little and discover that there is an entire set of Meyers-Briggs tee shirts. (!) Y'all know I love that shit.

They completely nailed it for me, and I should have my shirt in a couple weeks.

Edited May 3, 2017 by JTMacc99

[riley702]

I used to be an INTJ when I was younger. I just retook the test online and got INTP with a side of A (assertive vs turbulent). Cool shirts!

[JTMacc99]

49 minutes ago, riley702 said:

I used to be an INTJ when I was younger. I just retook the test online and got INTP with a side of A (assertive vs turbulent). Cool shirts!

When you read through the strengths and weaknesses, do they sound familiar? That section was my favorite when I read through my own.

Edited May 3, 2017 by JTMacc99

[JTMacc99]

1 hour ago, stewedsquash said:

Dammit I can't remember what I am!

You were INFP-A

Here's your shirt.

[riley702]

4 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

When you read through the strengths and weaknesses, do they sound familiar? That section was my favorite when I read through my own.

Yes.

[JTMacc99]

17 hours ago, riley702 said:

Yes.

Too Altruistic – This is all compounded and reinforced by ISFJs’ otherwise wonderful quality of altruism. Being such warm, good-natured people, ISFJs are willing to let things slide, to believe that things will get better soon, to not burden others by accepting their offers of help, while their troubles mount unassisted.

This is the last weakness on my list. Ugh. I hate that it's right but also see that it's something that I need to work on. 

ETA: One of the reasons I like this stuff so much is because it goes hand in hand with trying to figure out how to build on my strengths and work on or around my weaknesses. There is a whole other concept of StrengthFinder, which is basically that people succeed when they focus on what they do best. When they identify their talents and develop them into strengths, people are more productive, perform better, and are more engaged. (I copied that from the StrengthFinder website.) It applies not only to your career, but also to your relationships. 

The Meyers-Briggs test is a good way to get started on finding your strengths.  I copied a weakness of mine above; here is a strength: 

Supportive – ISFJs are the universal helpers, sharing their knowledge, experience, time and energy with anyone who needs it, and all the more so with friends and family. People with this personality type strive for win-win situations, choosing empathy over judgment whenever possible.

Also, completely true of me. All of it. Striving for win-win, empathy over judgment, giving my time and energy to anyone who NEEDS it. I live to be that person. Nothing makes me more satisfied to make the day a little brighter for a person who needs it. 

But combine that good part of me with the weakness above about just letting shit slide and I get myself into bad places in relationships. Because god help me if it's a pretty girl who needs help, because then I'm fucked. I'll put up with all of her shit day after day just because of the hit I get when I make her smile.  

So learning about myself and what makes me tick has been a great way to take some steps to get into healthier relationships. I think it's fascinating.

Edited May 4, 2017 by JTMacc99

[riley702]

INTP - They may appear to drift about in an unending daydream, but Logicians’ thought process is unceasing, and their minds buzz with ideas from the moment they wake up. This constant thinking can have the effect of making them look pensive and detached, as they are often conducting full-fledged debates in their own heads, but really Logicians are quite relaxed and friendly when they are with people they know, or who share their interests. However, this can be replaced by overwhelming shyness when Logician personalities are among unfamiliar faces, and friendly banter can quickly become combative if they believe their logical conclusions or theories are being criticized.

Yep, there is an unending monologue in my head. It's very hard to explain it to people that I have to halt the monologue in order to have a conversation with someone. And if there's a major lull in the conversation, the monologue starts up again and I lose track if people start talking again. So I come across as a distracted goof at times. I met a psychic once who told me my mind was always going 1,000 mph. Nailed it.

No one is more enthusiastic and capable of spotting a problem, drilling through the endless factors and details that encompass the issue and developing a unique and viable solution than Logicians – just don’t expect punctual progress reports. People who share the Logician personality type aren’t interested in practical, day-to-day activities and maintenance.

*sigh* Unfortunately, also true.

[JTMacc99]

I think I just made one of our cafeteria staff's day.  I gave him my sandwich order (Turkey on a whole wheat wrap with lettuce, tomato and a little pesto mayo), and he asked if wanted any cheese.

I said no. Cheese is my weakness. He said, it was his weakness too. I followed up with Cheese and Crazy Girls, my two weaknesses. I have very poor willpower around them. Heh. Left him smiling.

[riley702]

Crazy Girls is a food item?

[DeLurker]

At the "specialty" shops or in the personals on Craigslist.

[JTMacc99]

1 hour ago, riley702 said:

Crazy Girls is a food item?

I do tend to run towards them like a fat kid chasing the ice cream truck. 

[riley702]

Ahh. I was confused by the convo being in a cafeteria and the other topic being cheese.

[auntlada]

8 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

I think I just made one of our cafeteria staff's day.  I gave him my sandwich order (Turkey on a whole wheat wrap with lettuce, tomato and a little pesto mayo), and he asked if wanted any cheese.

I said no. Cheese is my weakness. He said, it was his weakness too. I followed up with Cheese and Crazy Girls, my two weaknesses. I have very poor willpower around them. Heh. Left him smiling.

I was expecting you to continue. "Cheese and Crazy Girls, my two weaknesses. Cheese and Crazy Girls and Beer. My three weaknesses. Cheese and Crazy Girls and Beer and Barbecue," etc.

[JTMacc99]

16 hours ago, auntlada said:

I was expecting you to continue. "Cheese and Crazy Girls, my two weaknesses. Cheese and Crazy Girls and Beer. My three weaknesses. Cheese and Crazy Girls and Beer and Barbecue," etc.

I was just laughing about this as I got my sandwich today. I'd like to point out that unlike my Cheese and Crazy Girls weaknesses, I have conquered my beer weakness. 

As long as "switching to hard liquor" counts as conquering.  Which I think it does.  Because that means I can do something like Perfectly Sane Girls to conquer my Crazy Girls weakness.

Unrelated: That is the most "q's" I think I've ever used in a single post.

[DeLurker]

2 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

Perfectly Sane Girls to conquer my Crazy Girls weakness.

These sound like the names of beers/ales...Now featured at the JTMacc Brew House!

[JTMacc99]

Oh @DeLurker... 

You can't give this creative accountant an opening like that during his lunch hour and not expect this to happen:

Edited May 9, 2017 by JTMacc99
ETA: My favorite part is the "Brewed & Bottled in" on the second one. Heh, I think I've mentioned that I crack myself up.

[DeLurker]

I can't magnify the labels to read all the small print, but good job!

I would consider turning around the "s" in the crazy girl label.

[JTMacc99]

20 hours ago, DeLurker said:

I can't magnify the labels to read all the small print, but good job!

I would consider turning around the "s" in the crazy girl label.

The backwards S would be a phenomenal touch, but I don't think I can do that with the little on-line tool I was using. And I made the second one larger.

I also impressed myself with the fact that the labels styles and beer styles are both appropriate, which I did without actually thinking about it. The crazy girls one has a fun font and sort of a busy swirly design in red, and the IPA is sort of an in your face bitter style.  The perfectly sane girls has a nice plain Arial type font, and hefeweizen is, and I will pull in a quote describing it because it's funny, "in the American version the flavors are so approachable and easy-drinking, without the strong hoppy bitterness typical of many craft beers." Heh, approachable, easy and without the bitterness. Funny.

Edited May 10, 2017 by JTMacc99

[DeLurker]

Thank you!  The years of therapy makes it art.

I'd add "organic" to the crazy girl label (since I am assuming it was a pre-existing condition).

[JTMacc99]

I was invited to a get together at a old friend's house on Saturday evening. His girlfriend had a couple friends coming over. All five of the adults there had experienced some sort of fucked up marriage with a person who had some sort of serious issues. 

I would like to report that it feels pretty good to know that, much like my undergraduate GPA, I was in the bottom fifth of how bad it can be. Yeesh. This one guy Jimmy starts telling me his deal, and an hour later, he wraps it up with and that's where I'm at now. Holy hell. And I thought I let a bad situation hang on for too long. This guy had it all, serial cheating on him, bankruptcy, children self-harming, narcissistic personality disorder (a common theme with the others there), and now he's got to break his lease and take the kids somewhere else to escape from her. I've got a lot of stuff to draw upon to offer advice, but I was at a loss for words. I did give him a few things as the story unfolded, but I think the biggest thing I offered was an ear. Sometimes telling the story lets a person process. Hearing it in your own words can sometimes help you understand things better. 

The food was good, and my friend eventually pulled me out to talk about fun stuff by the way.

[DeLurker]

As a perpetually winner in "My ex is worse than yours" stories, it sucks to be the winner.

[JTMacc99]

1 hour ago, DeLurker said:

As a perpetually winner in "My ex is worse than yours" stories, it sucks to be the winner.

You know that it's my nature to listen, to want to help people who need it. I try to take what I've absorbed in my life and do something good with it. I admire greatly people like you, like my friend Sheila, who are the "winners" of the worst competitions and are able to not only rise above it, but to also help others. 

When Jimmy gets to the point where he's ready to listen, he would be lucky to get some perspective from a person like you. 

[JTMacc99]

So I'm reading this thing. It's "Experts reveal worst relationship advice they heard." There are six, and each has what the expert says below it.

• If you're fighting, your relationship is in trouble
• Cyber snooping can save you from choosing the wrong partner
• In order for a relationship to work, it has to be magic right from the start
• Honesty is always the best policy
• You are supposed to meet one other's needs
• Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday... it comes off as desparate

So I'm focused in a couple of them.

First is the one about meeting needs and written about by a guy named Hal Runkel, a marriage and family therapist. The shortened version of what he says is, "A relationship built on each other's willingness and ability to meet the neediness of the other just sounds like two ticks without a dog, just sucking the life out of each other.  That is not a good recipe for a relationship... I don't need my wife, which frees me up to want her. I could do life without her; I don't want to do life without her."

Boy oh boy, do I agree with that. 

The second one is more of a throwaway comment at the end of the advice about relationships needing to be magic from the start. The advice starts with that years of interviewing couples reveals that there is no one way love unfolds - or is sustained.  Duh. It could be first sight, or it could be ten years of nothing and then one day, something.

THEN she throws in, "The advice I'd give people is to really learn to listen to themselves. And if an answer isn't immediately apparent, check in with your body. I once heard a yoga instructor say that your head can lie to you, but your body never will. I've found that to be invariably true and useful in all areas of life - especially relationships."

Dude, my head keeps me out of trouble. However I suppose it could also convince me to get into things I'm not really feeling because they make sense. 

[DeLurker]

Don't read clickbait for stuff like relationship advice, plumbing tips or is that cough something to worry about.

Quote

@JTMacc99 brought up the Meyers Brigg Personality Test a while back in Relationships (maybe?).  I tripped across this today and thought it was kind of fun -

What Dog Breed Should You Get Based on Your Personality Type.

So quoting myself from the pet thread...my prior relationship advice was you shouldn't get serious about someone unless they had characteristics (and flaw) consistent with the breed of dog you would want to own (based on what I knew about dogs at the time).

For example, if you think a lab is the right dog for you (energetic, pretty happy/smart, loves a crowd, protracted period of puppy brain, prone to enthusiastic play that may involve messes (preferably involve messes)) but your dating someone who is more a chow chow (intelligent, but aloof, strong willed, usually has one person they align themselves with) maybe not a good long run prospective relationship.

What say you good posters?  Any nuggets of truth in my theory?

Edited May 23, 2017 by DeLurker

[JTMacc99]

Well... My first dog I bought on my own was a Golden Retriever. My absolute favorite breed. Friendly, smart, beautiful expressive dogs.  So let's dive into breed characteristics, I'll skip the ones like "tendency to gain weight" or "tolerance for cold weather":

Adaptability -- Sensitivity 5/5, Tolerates being alone 1/5

Friendliness -- Every category 5/5

Health/Grooming -- Shedding 5/5, Ease of grooming 2/5

Trainability -- Intelligence 5/5, Potential for Mouthiness 5/5, Wanderlust 2/5

Exercise needs -- Exercise Needs 5/5, Potential for Playfulness 5/5

So what I'm seeing here is a dog that is beautiful, smart, fun, friendly, a big old extrovert, who isn't all that interested in leaving and is extremely needy. Yep, sounds about right.

Edited May 23, 2017 by JTMacc99

[AgentRXS]

@DeLurker You are so on to something. I cant' have dogs where I live but my favorite breed is a Rottweiler.  The description for their breed is exactly what I want in man:

Rottweilers: Devoted, Obedient, Fearless, Courageous, Self-assured, Alert, Good-natured, Confident, Calm, Steady

My last ex was a Jack Russell Terrier: Stubborn, Fearless, Intelligent, Energetic, Athletic, Vocal

No wonder it didn't work out.

[auntlada]

What about when your favorite breed of dog is a cat?

[DeLurker]

3 minutes ago, auntlada said:

What about when your favorite breed of dog is a cat?

Not sure, since I never knew enough about cats to identify temperament clusters.  I did find this and it is full of cuteness.

[NutMeg]

On 5/23/2017 at 11:16 PM, DeLurker said:

Don't read clickbait for stuff like relationship advice, plumbing tips or is that cough something to worry about.

So quoting myself from the pet thread...my prior relationship advice was you shouldn't get serious about someone unless they had characteristics (and flaw) consistent with the breed of dog you would want to own (based on what I knew about dogs at the time).

For example, if you think a lab is the right dog for you (energetic, pretty happy/smart, loves a crowd, protracted period of puppy brain, prone to enthusiastic play that may involve messes (preferably involve messes)) but your dating someone who is more a chow chow (intelligent, but aloof, strong willed, usually has one person they align themselves with) maybe not a good long run prospective relationship.

What say you good posters?  Any nuggets of truth in my theory?

What a fun idea! When I looked up the link, because it was "what dog breed should you get", I wanted to see if there was any rationale so I went back to check my MB type (I can never remember the letters, just the overall denomination). So whereas the site would have me have an Australian shepherd, great dogs but exhausting and not suitable to city living in my opinion (I'm the ultimate city person, so no deal), a few breeds looked very attractive to me (in theory, I love Groenendael dogs, because the only one I met in my life - friend's dog - looked super scary but was the nicest and cuddliest ever, and Scottish Terriers, for reasons, but in practice I was very fond of the dogs we had at home when I was growing up and they were both mixed breed, one of relatively close breeds (like Brittany and Braque) and the other was surprise (Brittany mother, father was expected to be from a close breed but our dog ended up with long, long hair, looking like a Tibetan terrier... I loved him, he really had the temperament of a cat!!! a sweet cat :) - sorry for the long aside). Besides, I'm really a cat person!

But - some dogs caught my eye! Two in particular, so based on your theory I checked up the MB personality they were matched with. And when I read the first one, I smiled big time. Because it's an exact portrait of a friend I love dearly, who spends his time inventing the most unexpected and amazing things and with whom there's never a dull moment, because we are both really interested in what the other is doing, the thought process, etc. even if we work and/or create in totally different fields.

And so I moved on to the personality type attached to the second dog, not expecting much after that first fun find. Imagine my surprise when I read a description that matches the only friend I've kept since primary school, despite us both moving countries and continents over the course of more than two decades, living completely opposite live styles and still connecting as if we had never been apart when we meet up, even when we don't meet up for years at times.  

So yeah, I definitely think your theory might have quite the validity. I'd just expand it to include friendships :)   

Edited May 24, 2017 by NutMeg

[DeLurker]

On 5/9/2017 at 1:45 PM, JTMacc99 said:

The backwards S would be a phenomenal touch, but I don't think I can do that with the little on-line tool I was using. And I made the second one larger.

I see you did manage to accomplish this - nice!

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 5/23/2017 at 9:09 AM, JTMacc99 said:

• Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday... it comes off as desparate

Is that still a thing?  

[JTMacc99]

31 minutes ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

Is that still a thing?  

I think I was just quoting an article that wasn't particularly credible. Some of the other points did have some merit in my opinion.

I'm not really sure what is to be gained or lost by not accepting a Saturday night date after Wednesday. At this point in my life, what's the point of waiting? If plans come together quickly, why should such a rule prevent me from doing something on short notice? People with kids need to get in their dates whenever the heck they can find the time.

[Zola]

Sunday 23rd July 2017

Me - "Mom? I just wanted to tell you that Sara and I have split up!"

Mom - "Really? But why? I thought you two were doing so well together?"

Me - "Don't know really. Guess we got bored of each other."

Mom - "But she was so nice, and very polite. You've been together for how long now?"

Me - "About 4 months give or take"

Mom - "Oh, I thought it was longer?"

Me - "Probably felt longer, but yeah, it was about 4 months."

Mom - "Are you still friends?"

Me - "Oh yes, no problems there. No big fall out. All very amicable and all that."

Mom - "So what are you going to do now?"

Me - "Take a break and just focus on my work"

Mom - "But you never hold down a relationship for long. Why?"

Me - "Oh Mom! We always have this same conversation every time I break up with someone."

Mom - "But ..."

Me - "Yes, I know I need to "settle down and sort my life out", but I'm not ready yet!"

Mom - "But how many is this now?

Me - "I don't keep score. Probably around 13 or 14"

Mom - "Oh Zola!"

Me - "Yeah well, you know what they say: practice makes perfect!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The above was an extract for a conversation I had with my mother yesterday. To be honest it's the same conversation I've had with her over the last couple of years other than a different name of girlfriend. 

I guess it must be hard on my parents to understand why I only indulge or relatively short relationships; more so when they're in conversation with friends and/or relations and they start talking about me. I guess it doesn't go down well when they say "Oh Zola is seeing someone else now!" Maybe its the perception that I have dated over 12 women since the age of 16 (8 years) that probably makes them feel I am sort sort of "slut" or "good time girl".

I guess the reality is I don't have a very good attention span for relationships. Unlike college courses, or work, or training courses for which I have the long-term patience, interest and fortitude in, I just "tune out" with relationships (or likewise my interlocutor gets bored of me). 

So splitting up with Sara yesterday was no big deal for either of us. It was fun while it lasted, and it all ended happily. I don't keep score, but my mother does. Is it a generation thing or one of motherly pride that makes her feel so concerned/embarrassed/disillusioned with me and my "failed" relationships?

Move on and live another day, is my preferred way of thinking. 

Edited July 24, 2017 by Only Zola

[DeLurker]

Perhaps it is a cultural thing - I'm old enough so my oldest is just a bit younger than you.  I'm of the outlook that short term relationships are pretty normal at that stage in life.  You're still young and figuring out what feels right.  And the people you've been seeing may be mentally/emotionally in the same place as you.

Some people are ready for a more serious relationship at your age - my SIL was.  But I needed a lot more time to get to that point.

[walnutqueen]

1 hour ago, Only Zola said:

Sunday 23rd July 2017

Me - "Mom? I just wanted to tell you that Sara and I have split up!"

Mom - "Really? But why? I thought you two were doing so well together?"

Me - "Don't know really. Guess we got bored of each other."

Mom - "But she was so nice, and very polite. You've been together for how long now?"

Me - "About 4 months give or take"

Mom - "Oh, I thought it was longer?"

Me - "Probably felt longer, but yeah, it was about 4 months."

Mom - "Are you still friends?"

Me - "Oh yes, no problems there. No big fall out. All very amicable and all that."

Mom - "So what are you going to do now?"

Me - "Take a break and just focus on my work"

Mom - "But you never hold down a relationship for long. Why?"

Me - "Oh Mom! We always have this same conversation every time I break up with someone."

Mom - "But ..."

Me - "Yes, I know I need to "settle down and sort my life out", but I'm not ready yet!"

Mom - "But how many is this now?

Me - "I don't keep score. Probably around 13 or 14"

Mom - "Oh Zola!"

Me - "Yeah well, you know what they say: practice makes perfect!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The above was an extract for a conversation I had with my mother yesterday. To be honest it's the same conversation I've had with her over the last couple of years other than a different name of girlfriend. 

I guess it must be hard on my parents to understand why I only indulge or relatively short relationships; more so when they're in conversation with friends and/or relations and they start talking about me. I guess it doesn't go down well when they say "Oh Zola is seeing someone else now!" Maybe its the perception that I have dated over 12 women since the age of 16 (8 years) that probably makes them feel I am sort sort of "slut" or "good time girl".

I guess the reality is I don't have a very good attention span for relationships. Unlike college courses, or work, or training courses for which I have the long-term patience, interest and fortitude in, I just "tune out" with relationships (or likewise my interlocutor gets bored of me). 

So splitting up with Sara yesterday was no big deal for either of us. It was fun while it lasted, and it all ended happily. I don't keep score, but my mother does. Is it a generation thing or one of motherly pride that makes her feel so concerned/embarrassed/disillusioned with me and my "failed" relationships?

Move on and live another day, is my preferred way of thinking. 

Definitely not a generational thing, unless us older generations suffer from convenient amnesia.  Every stage in life, and almost every relationship, has a "Sell By" date.  I've seen a (very) few people who can make their initial love affair last a lifetime - for the rest of us, not so much.

Mums are a total PITA, until you grow older and come to accept, nay, even love, their PITAness.  The motherly instinct is hard to overcome, but unless your Mum's a raging narcissist, there will come a day when your relationship with her could (maybe) turn into one of friendship.  Or not.  For whatever it's worth, your Mum probably loves you, but like many of our Mums, has some difficulty expressing that love in an accepting and constructive way.  And has likely made some mistakes she'd rather not see you repeat.

Oh, and you're not a slut, but if you want to joke around about being one, come sit by me.  I have some notches on the bedpost.  ;-)

You have the right attitude - every day you wake up still breathing is a WIN.

[theredhead77]

On 4/17/2017 at 4:34 PM, theredhead77 said:

 

So going on 5 months of no contact. Other than the drunken invite and random "likes" on Facebook he's made zero effort. I think he's waiting for me to apologize but I did nothing wrong. My birthday is coming up and he's not invited to my party. He's been out of town the past few years and I suspect he thinks I forgot he's going to be in town this year.

Unless he apologizes, I consider this friendship over. If it makes it a year without any effort / contact by him then it's Facebook unfriending too. D.O.N.E.

I'm quoting my own post to refresh memories. Since I'm moving across the country I decided *I* needed to see him, for me, one last good-term hangout and I can walk away. We met up in early July, had a nice time but no apologizes, no nothing. Just carried on like nothing happened, like nothing was wrong. We made plans to go to the fair yesterday and I realized I had no desire to hang out with him (or go to the hot, crowded, expensive fair) so I cancelled a few days ago.  I'm OK with how things are and letting this friendship die. It's been dying a slow death and I haven't enjoyed hanging out with him in a long time.

Edited July 24, 2017 by theredhead77

[walnutqueen]

33 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

I'm quoting my own post to refresh memories. Since I'm moving across the country I decided *I* needed to see him, for me, one last good-term hangout and I can walk away. We met up in early July, had a nice time but no apologizes, no nothing. Just carried on like nothing happened, like nothing was wrong. We made plans to go to the fair yesterday and I realized I had no desire to hang out with him (or go to the hot, crowded, expensive fair) so I cancelled a few days ago.  I'm OK with how things are and letting this friendship die. It's been dying a slow death and I haven't enjoyed hanging out with him in a long time.

At the risk of sounding trite and contrived, I must say, you deserve better. @theredhead77.  Sometimes you just gotta cut bait.

Once in a while, the friends you meet later in your journey are every bit as meaningful as those you clung to out of habit.  (Just sayin').

[theredhead77]

@walnutqueen I know I deserve better. We've been friends for so long and have been through so-much together that it's not a friendship I want to see go down in a blaze of glory. I'd rather have it fizzleout.

[Zola]

6 hours ago, DeLurker said:

Perhaps it is a cultural thing - I'm old enough so my oldest is just a bit younger than you.  I'm of the outlook that short term relationships are pretty normal at that stage in life.  You're still young and figuring out what feels right.  And the people you've been seeing may be mentally/emotionally in the same place as you.

Some people are ready for a more serious relationship at your age - my SIL was.  But I needed a lot more time to get to that point.

I think i will find long term relationships on my "Things to do when I'm 30" bucket list!

It's just as well I don't have  a headboard on my bed - I would feel extremely guilty looking at all of those "notches" running down the bedpost, lol