This Is The Quotes Thread

[bettername2come]

13 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Randall: I need you to swear to it on Oprah.
Beth: I'm not doing that.

Randall: I don't know how you're gonna make this right with Oprah, but I know.

Beth:  I made a donation to her foundation.

Randall: Well, that's a start. 

 

Beth: Look, I adore you, bro-in-law. Okay? I know I don't always say it out loud because it kind of ruins my schtick, but I do. You know, you're the only person who talks to my kids like they're people and not just kids. You're kind. You're funny. And everything about the way you look says people should hate you, but somehow everybody loves you. I love you. She will break you, Kevin. I have known you for 20 years. I have known her all of her life. Her background is complicated. She eats men up and spits them out, and you won't stand a chance. 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Randall: You three hellions have just completed your first week of school. That calls for some celebratory frooooooooo yoooooooooo!
Tess: Can't. I'm staying after school for TSA.
Randall: You're doing airport security training?
Tess: It's a Taylor Swift appreciation club.
Annie: I'm staying after too. I have my little farmers' club.
Randall: But fro yo!
Annie: Bye!
Randall: What about you? Got anything? Beyhive meeting you got to get to?
Deja: Nope. Don't make this a thing.

Deja: This school is pretty white.
Randall: What? White people go to this school?
Deja: They got a club for milk enthusiasts. What kind of club is that?
Randall: My kind of club! Where do I sign up?

Kevin: Are you saying I can't compete with some old French guy?
Zoe: Not when he's taking about earth's dwindling water supply.

Toby: Oh, damn, girl. You look like you're in a Whitesnake video. You make IVF look very rock & roll.

Randall: Why is there a mattress up against the wall?
Gigi: Because of the hole.
Randall: Why is there a hole?
Gigi: Because of the busted pipe.
Randall: Why is there a busted pipe?
Gigi: Because of the water heater. Randall, are we going to play this game all day? Because I'd like to get back to my book.

Kate: Megan Markle tiny hat or not tiny hat?
Rebecca: I like the tiny hat.

Toby: [The suit]'s Italian. Made in Pasadena.

Toby: I'm a heroin addict.

Randall: I took Deja to this rec center to hang out with Sky. The place is kind of a dump.
Beth: Oh really? So you're thinking about buying it?

Miguel: You know, our friend Carol, she had a daughter who did the in vitro, remember? The cute little twins with the weird names. What were they?
Rebecca: Eloise and Plaza.
Miguel: Terrible names.

Kate: Really excited for tonight.
Kevin: That's obvious. What's going on here?
Miguel: Kate and Toby are getting in vitro and your mother knows everything there is to know about IVF because of Eloise and Plaza.
Kevin: The book?

Randall: This stuff's always complicated for me.
Beth: What is?
Randall: Just where I fit in. How I come off to certain people. It's either I'm trying too hard or I'm not trying hard enough. I can never get it right.

Randall: My brother on the big screen. Is this movie gonna make me cry?
Kevin: Uh, well, you cry at everything, so probably.

Edited October 3, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kate: What's that word they use when they talk about Daniel Day Lewis? Gravitas. Kev had gravitas!

Kate: It's a long shot, for sure, but I feel like we have to at least try.
Randall: Right. What, because you think that having a biological child is the only way to pass on a piece of dad?
Kate: Those were not the words that I used.
Randall: Right. So I do or I don't have a piece of Dad in me?
Kate: Randall, obviously you do. And of course Toby and I would consider adoption if it came to that.
Randall: "If it came to that"? Nice. 
Kate: I think you're overreacting. 
Randall: Am I? Because you're telling me you'd rather pay tens of thousands of dollars for a dangerous, invasive surgery rather than adopt one of the millions of children out there that needs a home?
Kate: You had two biological children before you adopted, Randall.
Randall: That's a completely different situation.
Kate: Why? Why, because it was easy for Beth to get pregnant? Good for her. It hasn't been for me. It's been very, very hard.
Randall: I know that, Kate. 
Kate: No, you don't. You don't. You don't know what it's like to want this as badly as I do, and you don't know what it's like to lose a baby, either.
Randall: Kate, stop. 
Kate: No. How dare you throw adoption in my face right now? And how dare you make me defend wanting this?

Beth: You talk to your sister yet?
Randall: I texted her this afternoon. She has yet to respond.
Beth: Was your text an apology?
Randall: Sort of.
Beth: Randall, she is having surgery tomorrow, okay? I love you, boo, but you overstepped. And you kind of have trouble apologizing to your siblings.
Randall: What? No, I don't.
Beth: Miguel says it's because you feel like you need to be the rock for them, and apologizing shows vulnerability.
Randall: I'm sorry, uh, Miguel's weighing in on this now?
Beth: Me, him, and Toby have a text chain. It's mostly gifs, but, you know, sometimes we talk about how messed up y'all are.

Randall: Hey, look, Kate, I feel like last week, I - at Kevin's premiere, some regrettable utterances were uttered. Look, what I'm -
Kate: You know what, Randall? I can't have a thing with you right now. Mom is acting like I'm having a triple bypass. And then Kevin just sent me flowers that you send to someone when you're worried that they're never gonna see a flower again. Everyone in this family is making me feel like I'm gonna die tomorrow.

Randall: She sounds really scared. 
Beth: I know. But one of the other things that Miguel says that you do with your brother and sister is overreact when - What are you doing?
Randall: I'm gonna get my suitcase. I'm gonna fly to LA for the surgery.
Beth: Omigawd, Miguel is so on point.

Kate: Gawd, what if I die in there?
Toby: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're not gonna die.
Kate: Okay, well, if I do, I want you to find someone. But not that bitch from your accounting department, Sharyn. She always gives me the stink eye. And not Madison. 
Toby: Okay. I promise I won't marry Madison. I'm not gonna marry stink-eye Sharyn. I will just find myself a committed, semi-happy relationship with someone less cool than you, okay?

Zoe: Writing "Vietnam" was a nice touch.
Kevin: Well, it works when they do it on Homeland.

Young Kate: Did I marry Zack from Saved by the Bell?
Kate: No. Someone better who's taller and funnier and beardier.

Kate: Did you marry Sharyn from accounting?
Toby: I did. But we got an annulment as soon as you woke up. 
Kate: You promise? 
Toby: Mm-hmm. Look who's here.
Kate: Who?
Toby: Randall. 
Kate: Am I still high?

Kate: You have so much dad in you, Randall. You came across the country to say you were sorry. That's, like, the most dad move ever.

[JudyObscure]

"Beth: Me, him, and Toby have a text chain. It's mostly gifs, but, you know, sometimes we talk about how messed up y'all are."

Thanks, Electric,boogaloo, I came here looking for that.  Beth can be hilarious.

[PRgal]

2 hours ago, JudyObscure said:

"Beth: Me, him, and Toby have a text chain. It's mostly gifs, but, you know, sometimes we talk about how messed up y'all are."

Thanks, Electric,boogaloo, I came here looking for that.  Beth can be hilarious.

And those gifs ARE about how messed up they are (wait, so Rebecca is messed up too?)...

[topanga]

7 hours ago, PRgal said:

And those gifs ARE about how messed up they are (wait, so Rebecca is messed up too?)...

Toby might have issues with Rebecca, but I don’t know if he’d vent to Miguel about them.

And Beth doesn’t seem to have a problem with Rebecca other than her not telling Randall that she knew William. 

 

On 9/26/2018 at 4:51 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Beth: Did you know he dated the woman from Party of Five?
Zoe: I love Neve Campbell!

I love Neve Campbell. Maybe Kevin wil, share that story one day. 

[ZuluQueenOfDwarves]

12 hours ago, PRgal said:

And those gifs ARE about how messed up they are (wait, so Rebecca is messed up too?)...

Yes. And if Zoe and Kevin get serious, she’s getting looped in too. 

[Pallas]

On 10/10/2018 at 4:02 PM, topanga said:

I love Neve Campbell. Maybe Kevin wil, share that story one day. 

Heh. I love Zoe's assumption, in a show with several female regulars within ten years of Kevin's age. But Kevin was with Jennifer Love Hewitt. He implied to his nieces that there was indeed a story, just not one he should share with them anytime soon.

On 10/10/2018 at 8:55 AM, PRgal said:

And those gifs ARE about how messed up they are (wait, so Rebecca is messed up too?)...

Yes, but I imagine Miguel acts as Rebecca's interpreter to the Pearson spouses. And as Pilgrim Rick for their own gripes.  

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Randall: I gotta go turn myself from Urkel to Stefan.

Beth: Hoop earrings? "Hey, how you doing?" Or power necklace? "Wassup?"
Randall: I like them hoochie hoops.
Beth: Hoochie? Okay, necklace.

Randall: It's the first official day of my campaign. I'm doing it, Beth - running for city council of Philadelphia's twelfth district. Am I a resident there? No. But am I technically allowed to run because I put my name on William's lease when he moved in with us? Ya damn skippy.

Beth: You cannot cry on the campaign trail.
Randall: I'm not going to cry.
Beth: No, you're an emotional man, Randall. You talk about fathers, you cry. You talk about daughters, you cry. You talk about the little round boy on the corner who tried to sell lemonade in the winter, you cry.
Randall: All his lemonade froze, Beth.
Beth: Yeah, but he was stupid, baby. Now look - you have a big open heart and I love that about you, but these people do not see a rich man from Alpine crying when he talks to them.

Toby's mom: The joy in you is as much a part of you as the sadness.

[Driad]

5 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Randall: It's the first official day of my campaign. I'm doing it, Beth - running for city council of Philadelphia's twelfth district. Am I a resident there? No. But am I technically allowed to run because I put my name on William's lease when he moved in with us? Ya damn skippy.

Writing teachers may use this line as an example of an "expository lump" for many years.

[DearEvette]

On 10/24/2018 at 6:02 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Beth: No, you're an emotional man, Randall. You talk about fathers, you cry. You talk about daughters, you cry. You talk about the little round boy on the corner who tried to sell lemonade in the winter, you cry.
Randall: All his lemonade froze, Beth.
Beth: Yeah, but he was stupid, baby.

I know this is from last week, but damn, I think I laughed a full ten minutes with the last two lines.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: You know boxers can get brain damage.
Jack: The guy that gave me this [black eye] is named Stuart. Guys named Stuart don't give you brain damage.

Randall: I need help picking a shirt. Blue or white?
Tess: Blue.
Annie: White.
Randall: Alright, so it's a draw between Paul and John. Ringo?
Annie: Who's Paul and John?
Beth: The hell I'm Ringo.

Zoe: I can't have your obsession with that photo raining all over my 800 thread count sheet parade.

Kevin: Dad's obviously in love with that woman, right?
Randall: I don't know. I can't read her face. Is it love or is it years of poverty and occupation by foreign governments?

Kevin: The Manny - number one show in South Korea. I kid you not. I've got a k-pop song named after me. That's how you know you've made it.

Kevin: Wow, look at this. You've got color coded maps and everything just like CNN.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Zoe: Don't tag me on Instagram.
Kevin: Really? I thought we'd graduated to tagging status.

Waitress: Chicken. Bat.
Kevin: I wonder what "bat" means in English.
Zoe: It means bat.

Zoe: You want to try [eating bat]?
Kevin: No. No, I do not. No way in hell. You enjoy.
Zoe: Coward.
Kevin: Sorry, my tastebuds aren't eclectic like yours. We were more of a beige food family growing up. You know, a lot of chicken nuggets, mac and cheese. If we wanted to get wild, we'd get chicken pot pie every once in a while.

Rebecca: It's kind of nuts here, right? I mean, every day you wake up and it's 73 and sunny. What is that? I like the rain.

Rebecca: [The record executives] said that I was Pittsburgh good, which I've decided to take as a compliment.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: Do you think we made a mistake by not giving the kids some big extended family Thanksgiving?
Jack: No, come on. Our families are terrible.

Kate: Don't make it complicated!
Jack: What's so funny?
Kevin: Randall's college essay.
Randall: It's not that funny.
Kate: Okay, then go ahead and read them the question.
Randall: No!
Jack: Read it!
Kate: So the question is "So far, what person has most impacted your life?"
Kevin: And he doesn't want to go with the firefighter who found him on the steps.
Randall: But the question is flawed.
Kate: No, the question is an underhanded softball that you should clobber.
Kevin: Clobber, Randall! It's so easy!
Randall: The whole premise of the question is wrong. No one person can have the greatest impact on your life.
Kate: Blah blah blah. Okay, can someone please tell him he's overthinking this?
Rebecca: Your brother's going to make the right decision.
Randall: What do you think?
Jack: Fireman's a layup.
Kevin: There you go, right there!

Randall: Hey, Annie, why is there a gigantic teddy bear sitting at the dining room table?
Annie: It's a secret.
Randall: It's creepy is what it is.

Jack: [Nicky]'s fine. He just misses home.
Guy: He ain't fine. He's a medic. He shovels guts back into body cavities. Meanwhile, you all treat us like the field goal kicker until you take a bullet and want morphine. Then we're your best friend.

Jesse: Technically cocaine is my problem, not sparkling rosé.

William: Tonight a bunch of us sober musicians are getting together. On the holidays we like to play, mostly to keep us from getting into trouble. You're welcome to come.
Jesse: Good lord, listen to jazz sober? Sounds awful.

Toby: What needs to start first?
Kate: The cranberry sauce. You are in charge.
Toby: This is not a can.
Kate: Right.
Toby: I'm making cranberry sauce from scratch? Isn't that kind of a high stakes duty?
Kate: Randall has a recipe binder.
Toby: Of course he does. Color coded with an entire section for confits.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Beth: You need to practice. I'll quiz you.
Randall: You sure you don't mind helping me?
Beth: I'm happy to help - in an unofficial best wife in the world capacity.
Randall: I love that capacity. That's my favorite capacity.

Beth: You hear me?
Randall: Do I hear you? You're my favorite sound in the world. Of course I hear you.
Beth: Don't be soft, man! Come on, city taxes and statistics!

Jack: We do our tour, we stay alive, and then we get the hell out of here. But we can't do that if you don't stay focused on the mission.
Nicky: The mission is to kill.
Jack: No, Nicky, the mission is to get home.

Madison: Omigawd, I just had one of those things that happens to drunks! What's it called?
Kate: A hangover?
Madison: A moment of clarity. Martin van Buren.
Kate: Listen, these are tumultuous times but I'm not running for President.

Beth: Close your eyes. I want you to see yourself going out there and killing it. You are prepared. You're wearing the hell out of that suit. And you were born to do this. Whatever they throw at you, I want you to return it - like Serena. You are fierce, dignified, and in top form. Can you see it?
Randall: I'm mostly just seeing Serena Williams in that catsuit.

Principal: Where'd you go to college?
Kate: School of hard knocks, class of '98.

Translator: Our fathers were enemies but they were not so different. They both hid their war stories. They both pretended to be okay for their children. And now, here we sit, happy, healthy, sharing a meal in a place where our fathers once fought. It may not be the answer you're looking for, but maybe it's the answer to something bigger.

Toby: Kate, we're going to be parents. We have six months to jump a bunch of hurdles before our life becomes consumed by poop and naps.

Kate: Where's the bursar's office?
Toby: What's a bursar?
Kate: The person that you pay to enroll.
Toby: Mmm, I don't think that's a word.
Kate: Yes, it's a word. I don't have a college degree and I know that.

Beth: It's like an adolescent girl conveyor belt in here.

Edited November 28, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[bettername2come]

Rebecca: We are going to give ourselves over to Tom Hanks, and he's gonna make us feel so much better about the mind-blowingly upsetting crap that's going on in our heads.

This rings very true to the power of Tom Hanks.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Randall: What's on your mind?
Kevin: What's on my mind? Uh, John Stamos, mostly.

Toby: Look, Kate has been crying for, like, five minutes straight. Is there, like, a twin cure for something like this?
Kevin: Um, is it good crying or bad crying?
Toby: Unclear.

Randall: I ordered Love, Ellen. It's the book Ellen DeGeneres's mom Betty wrote about Ellen coming out. I'm gonna listen to it on my way to Philly.
Beth: You cannot audiobook your way through our daughter's life.

Jack: You know, I'll bet Abraham Lincoln woke up every morning, stood on the steps of the White House, and he took in the same 555 feet that we're looking at right now.
Randall: Hmm, they finished it 20 years after he died, so-
Jack: You're ruining the romance, kid.
Randall: Facts are facts, Dad.

Kate's text: Update: Your nephew's now the size of a lime.
Randall's text: He looks like Kevin.

Kevin: Longest travel day of my life.
Zoe: Well, we took off Wednesday afternoon, landed Wednesday morning, so technically, it's the shortest travel day of your life.
Kevin: Yeah, time zones are crazy, huh?

Zoe: What are you going to tell your family [about Nicky]?
Kevin: I'm not going to tell my family a thing. I mean, the text chain was ungodly when Kate debated going blonde. I can't even imagine what this would be like.

Kevin: There was a whole phase [Tess and Annie] were calling me Uncle Jesse.

VA Affairs: I do show a record for a Nicholas Pearson.
Kevin: That's great.
VA Affairs: But before I can give you any information, I need proof that you're his next of kin.
Kevin: How about nephew? Nephew's a big deal now, right? Think of Game of Thrones. Right, Joffrey was next of kin to the super-handsome, fit, blonde, uncle guy.
VA Affairs: Jamie was never in line for the throne. Joffrey ascended after his adoptive father Robert Baratheon died. Without documentation, you're going to need someone official to write a letter authorizing release of the records. Could be military personnel, a historian, a member of Congress.
Kevin: How about a celebrity that was once dunk-tanked on The Today Show? No.

Beth: Tess is moody all the time. I don't even know why. I don't know if it's cause she's trying to figure out her sexuality or because she just discovered Nirvana on Spotify.

Deja: I know he's like fifty but Anderson Cooper is so fine.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kevin: Mom, Kate, you want to join our little road movie? It'll be fun. It'll be like Butch and Sundance and Thelma and Louise. And you can pick whatever character you want. It doesn't matter to me. I'm not locked into one in particular. I'm totally fluid on that. I'm Sundance.
Randall: I know.

Randall: Have you seen my cashmere heather v? The one that goes perfectly with my uncle hunter jeans. What's wrong?
Beth: Everything about that sentence.

Randall: I've got road trip snacks available whenever anybody wants them. Lots of nuts and seeds. Many pitted fruits.
Kevin: Randall, you give away pennies on Halloween, don't you? Be honest with me.
Randall: Full sized candy bars. The only house on the block.
Kate: Tell the truth. It's healthy raisins.
Randall: Remember I live in a house with four very willful and opinionated women so I'm impervious to your mocking.

Randall: We're about to embark on some Shakespearean level tragedy, I'm afraid.
Kate: How are you so cool about this? Dad basically lied to us his entire life and it doesn't freak you out?
Randall: Not really. When you find out your mom's been lying to you about your birth father for 36 years, not much can rattle you after that.

Annie: Do you think dad will bring home Nicky like he brought home Grandpa William?
Rebecca: No, I don't think so, honey.
Tess: He sure likes bringing people home though. I'm just saying.

Nicky: You want a beer?
Jack: I don't drink anymore.
Nicky: I got Nesquik.

Kevin: My brother's adopted.
Randall: It's true.
Kevin: Explains why he's black.
Randall: Also true.

Nicky: You wasted your time coming here. Just please leave.
Kate: No. Sir, I didn't want to come here. And I didn't want to find out these answers, but my brother literally traveled around the world and back to learn about our dad, and it's led him here so we re not going anywhere.
Nicky: Yeah, you're Jack's kids, all right.

Edited January 23, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kevin: What are we going to do?
Randall: I don't know, bro.
Kevin: He's getting hammered in his leaky trailer with a gun sitting next to him on the table and I just offered him Pringles.
Randall: Pringles are pretty great.
Kevin: Come on. Don't be funny right now.
Randall: I'm not. I really like Pringles.

Kate: You know, Randall, I think for the first time in history Kev has done more homework than you.

Randall: Just because Jack kept something from us doesn't mean you didn't know him.
Kate: He had stuff going on, and we had absolutely no idea. Like he saw Nicky in 1992 and we had no clue.
Randall: Yeah, because we were 11.

Randall: Hi, I'm an adult. Can I order a pizza?

Nicky: Final step - plasterboard goes up there. Never had anyone tall enough. You're not bad at this. You done it before?
Kevin: No. I did play a handyman in a student film one time a while back. It's not porn. Honest to God. I know it sounds like porn, but-

Randall: Angelica, Eliza, Peggy. 
Annie: I'm Peggy?

Randall: For Deja - fancy non-smelly lotions in the sample size. You're welcome. And for you two, gossip magazines featuring the world's hottest celebrities pumping their own gas and scooping their own dog's poop.

Edited February 13, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Abe: It turns out I might be a little bit sicker than I thought.
Carol: He has lung cancer.
Zoe: But you don't smoke.
Abe: I know. So unfair, right? I might as well start.

Beth: [Randall] dreams these big ideas and he is never ashamed to do it, because nobody ever made him feel like he should be.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Toby: [Kevin] looks like Chris Hemsworth had a baby with the other Hemsworth.

Madison: I invented a drink. It's called the commence-mint cocktail. Soda water, agave, rum, lime, and fresh mint.
Bartender: So a mojito?
Madison: Just make it.

Kevin: I didn't know Toby was bilingual. That's sexy.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Miguel: Name a food, any food, that isn't made better with either chocolate or ranch.
Randall: What if you don't like ranch?
Miguel: Well, in order to play this game, you have to like ranch.
Zoe: I'm out.
Kevin: Huh.
Beth: Cantaloupe.
Miguel: That's chocolate. Always better with chocolate.
Randall: How about oysters?
Beth: Ranch.
Randall: Really? I don't know if I'd put-
Beth: Ranch.
Randall: Sushi.
Miguel: Ranch.
Randall: Really?
Miguel: Yeah. Hundred percent. Think about it.
Madison: Toothpaste.
Miguel: That's not a food. That doesn't count.
Madison: What about gum?
Miguel: Also not a food.
Randall: What about pumpkin?
Miguel: Chocolate.
Randall: Really?
Miguel: Or ranch, actually, depending on whether it's a savory or sweet pumpkin dish.
Randall: Huh.
Beth: Squash.
Randall: Ranch.
Miguel: Yeah, pumpkin is technically a squash.
Randall: We already did pumpkin.
Beth: Screw this game.
Miguel: Watermelon. Nope, chocolate. Basically all fruit is chocolate.

Miguel: You want to know the end of the game? You can't put chocolate on ranch.

Randall: Did Miguel just dad voice me?

Randall: Why are you twisting around everything that I say?
Beth: Because I want you to see it the way I'm hearing it.

Beth: There was one year when Annie refused to eat anything that wasn't orange, so I got mad skills. Don't make me airplane a donut into your mouth.

Randall: Kate used to name her stuffed animals the craziest things. There's Tuesday, Marvelous.
Kevin: Evelyn.
Randall: Which one was that?
Kevin: The monkey.

Kevin: There's got to be a term or a word for when your twin has a baby.
Zoe: Twunkle.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kevin: So your fiancé, this Grant, does he work at the hospital as well?
Sophie: He's a kindergarten teacher. I met him at my friend Alison's birthday party.
Kevin: Alison? I remember Alison. She's the one who hates me.
Sophie: No, that was Alicia.
Kevin: Alicia hates me.
Sophie: But now Alison hates you too.
Kevin: Really?
Sophie: Yeah. Now everyone I know hates you.
Kevin: Okay, fair enough.

Sophie: [Grant]'s from Long Island so Billy Joel's pretty much his god.

Kevin: I don't know what I want, but I need to make a decision before [Zoe] commits to spending time with me, which really sucks for me because I'm bad at making choices.
Sophie: Yeah, well, that's probably because you're not used to doing it.
Kevin: What do you mean?
Sophie: You always got it all. I mean, our entire lives, you were able to get exactly what you wanted just by being you.

Sophie: Zoe sounds like she's really good for you. She got you to go to couples counseling. I couldn't even get you to see Amélie.

Maya: Are you much of a baker, Beth?
Beth: I'm more of a tear open a bag of Oreos kind of gal.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Randall: That message was a gross misstep.
Beth: A misstep? Randall, your Coogi sweater phase in college, that's a misstep.

Beth: Who says "cut a rug"?

Randall: A deconstruction of Prince's 1991 album Diamonds and Pearls reveals that-
Kevin: Cut that.

Randall: Kev, I don't think I wrote vows. I think I wrote a deeply boring dissertation on marriage.

Randall: It's four o'clock in the morning and you've giving me a dissertation on nachos.

Kevin: The wifi in the basement is subpar. It's very spotty.
Beth: Yeah, because it's a basement.
Kevin: Why am I in the basement? William over here is upstairs.
Beth: That's how we do things at Hotel Pearson. Estranged fathers go upstairs. Television star brothers go downstairs.

Randall: You know how to text?
William: I'm dying. I'm not 100.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jack: Don't worry, Randall. Blockbuster's not going anywhere.

Jack: Clear the table. Dinner is served.
Randall: Eww.
Kevin: What is this?
Jack: Corn sandwiches. I used to eat these all the time before I met your mom.
Kevin: You're really lucky you met her.
Jack: Ha ha, very funny. Try one. Go on, try it. It's good for you. Because, you know, corn.

Tess: Do you remember when I told you I was gay?
Kevin: Mmm hmm. Via text. It was very modern of you.

Deja: There's no debate team. I think arguing with random strangers about weird stuff is stupid.

Deja: You remember a while back when you took me to you dad's building cause you wanted me to sign my adoption papers?
Randall: Yeah.
Deja: Remember when you said you had everything you were going to say planned out?
Randall: Yeah.
Deja: Well, you're not the only one in the world who can drag somebody on a long car ride just to give them a big speech at a meaningful location.

Deja: Most people don't win, Randall but you did. You won the lottery. You won twice  - first when you got adopted and again when you met Beth.

Deja: That speech made me want a burger.

Jae-won: Oh, gawd. I knew I should have taken that job at MSNBC when I had that chance.

Jae-won: It would basically confirm the worst fears of everybody who put their trust in an outsider with zero experience in government or politics.

[razvanimal]

Randall: Everything we take on, we crush.

BTW, does anyone remember the episode he told Beth this?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Randall: I just saw the new windows going in at the community center. Got some real nice double paned beauties. Almost as beautiful as my wife.
Beth: Did you just compare me to rec center windows?
Randall: They're the double paned windows. That's the sexiest kind of windows.

Beth: I don't know if it's the hormones or the stress of going to new schools but they are definitely getting meaner by the day.

Miguel: Toby, every time I see you, I swear you're skinnier.
Toby: Oh, yeah. Thanks.
Kevin: You doing paleo or keto or are you intermittent fasting?
Toby: More like intermittent stressing. What you do is for 22 hours a day, you stress over your baby and you stress about your mortgage and then you just sleep for the other two hours. The weight just falls off.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Nicky: You know we're only 80 miles from Canada? I've never been. I almost went once with my brother. But I didn't.
Dr. Ruiz: Why haven't you ever gone?
Nicky: I can't stand maple syrup.

Kate: Why do fancy schools start earlier than normal ones?
Randall: Because we have bigger brains to fill.
Kate: Okay, nerd.

Kevin: Mom, do we have any cucumber slices?
Rebecca: Why do you need cucumber slices? 
Kevin: I'm taking a me day.
Rebecca: Okay, so if I give you a cucumber and a knife, can I trust that you're not going to cut yourself?
Kevin: I wouldn't count on it.

Miguel: Whoever signed off on that permit is done for, no question. I hope it was Donovan. I would love to see him go down. You know, he microwaves fish sticks in the break room? Who does that?

Randall: I just feel like I can't breathe. I'm really freaking out.
Kevin: And do you think telling Mom you got in trouble will make it better?

Jae-won: Maybe we can talk about my proposal if there's time?
Randall: Oh, Batman would love nothing more, Robin.
Jae-won: Can I be someone other than Robin? I mean, he looks Asian, but he isn't Asian.

Toby: Those nerds loved us. You should help me woo clients all the time. We could star in, like, a TNT procedural where we close IT deals. We'd be cancelled after one season, but the fans would elevate us to cult status.

Annie: My math teacher looks like Zendaya.
Beth: Wait, cute Spider-Man Zendaya or HBO drugged-out Zendaya?

Kevin: What'd you do?
Randall: I was out of dress code.
Kevin: That's what you're freaking out about? What, was your shirt not tucked deep enough into your old man pants? 
Randall: This is not funny!
Kevin: Come on. Let me see your slip. You want mom in a hurry or mom before bed?

Kevin: I'm glad you decided to come.
Nicky: I'm just here for the snacks. Drinking gives me a salt tooth.

Randall: It felt like my heart was going to explode.
Kate: Do you think it was, like, a heart attack?
Kevin: Maybe it was just, like, puberty. They say your body does a bunch of weird stuff.

Kate: Would you ever like a girl who's bigger than you? 
Kevin: I'm going to marry Cindy Crawford. She's, like, 5'9" and way bigger than me.

Jack: Hey, look, I know we don't ever say any mushy things to each other, but I mean, if we did, this would definitely be one of those times.
Miguel: Jack, are you are you trying to tell me that you love me? Is that what you're trying to do here? Because I got to tell you, man, I'm a married man.
Jack: No. No, what I'm trying to tell you is if you ever need anything, big or small, and I hear that you went to anyone other than me, I'm going to kick your sorry ass.
Miguel: Well, I love you, too, snookums, and I appreciate that.

Kevin: I just thought, at this point, my life would have a little more purpose. I just broke up with this really wonderful woman. I just turned down this really wonderful movie. Was that a mistake? I don't know. I'm not getting any younger, that's for sure. You know, hopefully, with age, just comes a little more gravitas, right? But it's not up to us. I mean, it could be, you know welcome to Jowl City at 50, right? And then what? I'm the guy in the AARP ads that's just thrilled to death that he can still wipe his own ass.

Edited October 9, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gregory: So with everything that kid's been through, his first big outing and you're taking him to the valley?
Kate: Miss Mindy's Music Makers is the best baby music class in LA. There's a wait list.
Gregory: How about I give the kid a pot and a pan to bang on and you pay me forty bucks an hour instead?

Kate: Do we have everything?
Toby: Yeah, I've got extra diapers and wipes, both pacifiers, two changes of clothes, a UV blanket, a stylish hat, a practical hat, a cooler full of backup milk. How did the cavemen do this?

Kevin: Your roof's leaking again. Are you sure you don't want to come stay with me at the hotel?
Nicky: Very.

Trailer sign: UNTITLED HOT BABYSITTER PILOT

Nicky: I never saw [The Manny]. I saw a commercial once though. You were drinking out of a baby bottle and you weren't wearing a shirt.

Beth: I know I'm forgetting something.
Randall: Check your list.
Beth: What if I forgot to put something on the list?

Kevin: I'm an actor. I great at filling up free time.

I think wedding songs are the one time people are actively allowed to be cheesy.

Kevin: Cassidy, you were military intelligence officer, right? You're probably great at negotiating.
Cassidy: Yeah, that's exactly what the military teaches you - how to negotiate with an RV salesman.

Kevin: Maybe I'm funny for a hot person, not actually funny.

Malik: What's that smell?
Deja: Air freshener and dead animal.

Randall: I apologize for speaking to you in that tone, but the content holds.

[bettername2come]

12 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Randall: I apologize for speaking to you in that tone, but the content holds.

Was just coming to post this one. It's a perfect "use in real life" quote.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kate: Do you really think a fancy dinner is going to make it less bizarre that Kevin got married five years after puberty? He doesn't even understand how a checking account works.

Deja: You think cereal is going to make me forget you treated me like a child who can't make her own decisions about who to date?
Randall: That was the plan.

Randall: [The baby's present] is not a pony or a hot tub, but it is from me and Kevin. He made me promise I'd tell you that even though it was my idea and I did everything while he did nothing.

Kevin: The quiet is nice, huh?
Nicky: It was.

Kevin: So what was it like growing up with my dad? Tell me a story about his childhood.
Nicky: He liked ice cream.
Kevin: Yeah. That's a good story.

Nicky: You have strange relationships with people.
Kevin: That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Matty: Dad, dad, this is Kevin! Isn't he cool like I said he was?
Kevin: You buy a kid one Kit Kat. Good to meet you, Ryan.
Ryan: Glad to finally meet the adult man that my nine year old son keeps saying is one of this best friends.
Nicky: You really do have the strangest relationships.

Mark: I didn't want you to have to go through this [dinner] alone so I just got your address off your application and I picked your neighbor's daisies.
Kate: That's romantic. And a little creepy.

Rebecca: Pull yourselves together, pretend you like burnt raw food, get your whiny little asses back out in those seats, and enjoy my damn dinner.

Beth: There's a fine line between caring and worrying.

[gonzosgirrl]

4 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Deja: You think cereal is going to make me forget you treated me like a child who can't make her own decisions about who to date?
Randall: That was the plan.

Beth: You need a new plan.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Mr. Lawrence: Randall, this is the latest you've ever been early.

Kevin: AA discourages romantic relationships in the first year. And drinking.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Korey: Look, Mr. Pearson asked me to dinner. I didn't invite myself.
Trish: You could've just said, "Sorry, can't. I'm taking my incredibly sexy wife to see Sister Act for the third time."

Randall: So when you talked to Malik's mom yesterday, what was her vibe? You get a sense of what kind of people they are?
Beth: Rastafarian vegans who love outdoor sports.

Randall: There's a boat. You and I are in the boat. The plan is to get Malik's parents to join us in said boat. Destination: Splitsville Dejik. It's Deja and Malik. Dejik.
Beth: Oh, please don't give them a ship name. 
Randall: Maleja.

Malik: You know Randall's brother was the Manny?
Kelly: His brother is Morris Chestnut?
Malik: No, the white Manny.
Kelly: His brother is white?

Randall: I think Darnell just implied that we're bougie. 
Beth: We are kind of bougie. 
Randall: Yeah, okay. But I don't want him to think that.

Korey: So this must be where the books in the house live.
Randall: Yeah. The library sponsored a summer read-a-thon and I got so many new books, my dad had to buy this for me.
Jack: Build. I didn't buy that. I built that. It's real oak. I was thinking about maple, but it's less porous. Makes a huge, huge difference. Really, you could have used birch, uh, pine-
Rebecca: Hey, Jack, you can stop naming types of wood.

Randall: You hide wine in the pantry?
Beth: I got three kids, okay? Give me a break.

Kevin: This is the most boring dinner in history. 
Rebecca. Don't be rude.
Kevin: What? Ms. Applebaum wouldn't be talking about dinosaurs at dinner. She's way too cool for that.
Kate: You're so obsessed with her.
Kevin: She's got big boobs.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Randall: Resumes are my jam. I live for them.

Nicky: Let me ask you something. Just out of curiosity, what's wrong with you? I thought you were trying to help the poor kid fix her marriage, not destroy it. You're like a human wrecking ball.
Kevin: Yeah, thanks for the pep talk.

Deja: It's not a date. A date is when you go out somewhere alone.
Beth: Well, them's the rules. Chaperoned dates only. Besides, you won't even know I'm here. You'll be in the living room. I'll stay in the kitchen
Deja: The kitchen and the living room are the same room.

Nicky: Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey. I don't have bacon and I don't have eggs, but I got coffee.

Jae-won: You know, Randall tells a lot of stories about his family. Like a lot, a lot. Like more than anyone ever in human history.

Beth: Okay, you two, just pretend I'm not here. But also remember I will be here the whole time.

Gregory I'm happy you came by. Really.
Kate: Are you? Cause you don't act like it.
Gregory: Yeah, I know. Ever since the stroke, I have trouble making my voice and my face express empathy and gratitude. It doesn't mean I don't have any.

Kevin: I'm sorry is like a magic word when you're a kid. It doesn't matter what you did. Say you're sorry and it all goes away. Then you grow up and it just doesn't work anymore.

Kevin: I didn't know your dad served. You never mentioned that.
Cassidy: Not all of us have to talk about our dead dads all the time.

Cassidy: I did my best. There's only so much I can do to fix a face like yours.

Toby: All the avos at Trader Joe's were hard and green like the Hulk's calf muscles.

Beth: I'm going to the pantry. You'll be unsupervised for the next thirty seconds.

[bettername2come]

From 4x07

Tess: (about the baby) I want one!

Randall: Not until you're fifty!

I'm deeply amused that Malik has Randall so worried he forgets Tess is gay and teen pregnancy shouldn't be an issue.

4x08

Rebecca: I'm telling you, Jack, we can never go back there. Kevin bit the librarian.

Jack: I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

Rebecca: He bit her on her face. With intent.

*Mini Kevin grins*

Jack: So the kids never learn to read, it's no big deal.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kevin: Wow, well, look at you. You look sharp. 
Nicky: I look like I'm in a Viagra commercial. 
Kevin: You do not. You look very, uh, you know, newly sober chic.
Nicky: I'm not sure about this, Kevin.
Kevin: I'm telling you. I'm 100% on this. Pleated pants are in. GQ did a whole spread.

Kevin: Hey, why are we setting up a card table in the foyer?
Beth: Cause our dining table only seats eight and we've expecting thirteen guests with all the birth moms and long lost uncles.

Miguel: So, Randall, I'm putting, uh, chorizo in the stuffing - Barefoot Contessa style.

Miguel: Okay, so I'm going to go set up the VCR for Police Academy 3 and let you guys have an opportunity to talk.
Randall: I got all the traditional staples - the saltines, the hot dogs, the Kraft singles.

Kate: We'll be listening to Police Academy 3 which is kind of like PAW Patrol but with humans and swearing.

Beth: What fell on your face?
Kevin: Uh, walked into a wall.

Randall: What happened to your face?
Kevin: Fly ball to the face.

Waiter: You realize this is five pounds of shrimp? 
Nicky: Oh, we realize.

Jack: I got to change this.
Nicky: No, no, no, no. Leave it. It's Leonard Cohen. He's a poet.
Jack: Nicky, if I wanted a poem, I'd read a book.
Nicky: No, you wouldn't.

Kevin: By the time I'm 40, I'm going to have a wife, I'm going to have a kid, the whole shebang. 
Randall: You should probably date somebody first. You know, it's only nine months til our birthday.

Edited February 12, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Miguel: Us? You're coming out for this?
Randall: This family flies across country at the drop of a hat. This is actually important, Miguel, so of course I'm coming.

Kate: I just think that if I show [Toby] that I'm accepting his CrossFit buddies in all of their tire flipping glory-
Kevin: Even trash-talking Lady Dynamite?
Kate: It's Kryptonite.
Kevin: I hate her even more.

Madison: I found these really cute pineapple string lights. They are super on theme and you can use them to strangle that monster who's been talking smack about you behind your back.
Kate: Madison, I am not murdering Lady Kryptonite.
Madison: I didn't say murder. Just choke her a little. Give her a little scare.

Miguel: And to top it off, you had to fly out here like some kind of hero.
Randall: Due respect, Miguel, I'm not being a hero. I'm being supportive.
Miguel: Due respect, Randall, you're just being Randall.

Kevin: Movie theater popcorn with peanut butter M&Ms sprinkled all over it.
Lizzie: That is not a guilty pleasure. That's just a delicious snack.
Kevin: Well, no, I agree but you didn't let me finish. Sometimes I don't even stay for the movie. I will snatch that up, go home, and just binge old episodes of Ice Loves Coco.
Lizzie: Should I know what that is?

Miguel: You were right.
Randall: I didn't want to be.

[bettername2come]

Racist Coffee Lady: At least Ethiopians are good for something, right?

Kevin: Yeah, I really gotta get a new matchmaker.

*

Lizzie: I'm still a Chicago girl.

I see what your did there, show.

 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: [Kate] made [Kevin and Randall] sing Wham! And then Queen as an encore.

Tess: Dad probably scared [the burglar] away for good with his awful jokes.

Kevin: Why are your texts so formal?

Randall: I got home from the airport around 2 last night, checked on the fam, came downstairs for a glass of water and bam - I was face to face with Christian Slater's creepy doppelganger.

[Kate walks in and out of the kitchen while on the phone with Mark]
Rebecca: That didn't sound good.
Randall: No, but I've been watching a bunch of Dawson's Creek and they all talk like that.

Randall: Stop touching my underwear, Kev!
Kevin: Your undies, you mean?

Beth: Next time I get to pick the music. Nobody's trying to listen to Braveheart.
Randall: Movie scores are stimulating yet non-invasive study aids, unlike whatever noise you choose.
Beth: Oh, don't pretend like you know what kind of music I'd pick.
Randall: TLC Fan Mail.
Beth: Lucky guess.

Beth: I can't get this remote to work and I forgot the security code. Randall, the code?
Randall: My parents' anniversary - 051676.
Beth: We're going to have to change that to our anniversary.

Beth: Do we really need to have weapons everywhere like we're Mr. and Mrs. Smith?
Randall: You might want to rephrase that cause it actually sounds pretty cool.

Jack: Please don't say "red rum."

[bettername2come]

Rebecca: You're fat. I'm ancient. We're gorgeous.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: Miguel loaded all the VH1 Divas on my phone. I had to listen to sing Mariah Carey all morning but it was worth it.

Kate: Mom, are you on the drugs?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Randall: Batman. I like that.
Beth: When you get back, we're using that.
Randall: Jae-won calls me Batman too.
Beth: We're no longer using that.

Kevin: White Fang or Free Willy?
Randall: The 90s had a real thing for white boy befriends exotic animal movies.

Kevin: I swear to God, if I'm not watching a troubled youth fall in love with an orca in 15 minutes.

Kevin: One hundred Hollywood hunks and I'm not on the list? What planet are we living on where Elijah Wood is hotter than I am?

Toby: Look at us, buddy. A couple of bros breaking bread. First eggs, some day beers. I'm more of a daiquiri man myself.

[gonzosgirrl]

Kevin:  Are you coming to kill me?

[bettername2come]

Madison: Is it that Crossfit bitch? I'll kill her. Is it Toby? I will kill him. I will Kill Bill all of them and help you raise that child, just say the word.

*

Kevin: Being a celebrity is pretty much a fast track to doing whatever you want.

*

Kevin: If I end up on TMZ for breaking into Joni Mitchell's old house with my mom - actually that could play...

*

Madison: Can I just tell you one thing your brother did to me?

Kate: No.

Madison: I was literally upside down at one point.

Kate: Madison!

Madison: Just use your imagination.

*

Kevin: I don't want to reinforce this family's narrative that I'm not dependable.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Toby: Is [Madison] going to be my sister in law?

Randall: Due respect, how am I supposed to take mental health advice from someone who doesn't throw out magazines from 2017, from someone who doesn't refill cups at the water cooler?

Rebecca: I also really want to go to your movie premiere in New York. I see Matt Damon bringing his mom.
Kevin: That's different. They're engaged.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kevin: The last time [Randall] called a code red, he wanted to discuss whether or not he could pull off an earring.
Kate: That was a short conversation.

Toby: I know this is a Big Three only thing. I just wanted to show you this casual Friday outfit that Beth sent.
Randall: That's what I'm talking about. You know I'm always here for some Jack-rassic Park.
Kevin, Kate, and Toby: ...
Toby: Ptero-Jack-tyl!

Jack: We have exactly one day in New York City before we head upstate for Randall's debate tournament so each of you pick the one activity you would like to do.
Kevin: Everything Kevin McAllister does in Home Alone 2.
Randall: Why is it even called Home Alone if he's not home alone?
Kevin: Because City Alone would sound stupid, buttmunch.
Jack: Don't call your brother buttmunch. And I said you could pick one thing, not an entire movie's worth.
Kevin: Fine. A huge toy story like the one Kevin McAllister goes to obviously.
Jack: Randall?
Randall: The Natural History Museum for dioramas.
Kevin: Omigawd.
Jack: Katie girl?
Kate: I want to go to a fancy hotel and drink tea like Eloise.
Jack: The kids have all decided on one thing they want to do. What would you like to do?
Rebecca: I want to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. There's a painting there that I used to love.
Kevin: Seriously? Two museums in one day?

Randall: I call middle!
Kate: No one calls the middle.

Beth: So what is an acting showcase exactly?
Rebecca: The students n Kevin's acting class are going to be performing monologues.
Randall: He should be good at that. He's been monologuing his whole life.

Kevin: I see the Entire State Building.
Randall: That's the Empire State Building, genius.

Kirby: You're visiting from Pittsburgh, right? New York is  bit different, I assume.
Rebecca: Yes, it's very different. You guys have tall buildings. We put fries in our sandwiches.

Kirby: I was in an REO Speedwagon cover band and we had a small but loyal following. You can laugh.
Rebecca: I would never. Sometimes you just can't fight the feeling.

Rebecca: Is it me or is Kevin weirdly comfortable in a fancy hotel?

Rebecca: How did you think of [a horse drawn carriage ride]?
Jack: Honestly, Home Alone 2.

Edited March 11, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Leigh: I'm sorry to interrupt you, Randall, but I suspect that you and your father are about to band together to save your mother so I'm just trying to keep track here. In the version of your life where your father lives, you immediately find your birth father, get him clean, your parents' marriage survives, you have the same wife and kids, cure stomach cancer, and you get your mother into this clinical trial.

Leigh: You said [Jack] had a widow maker heart attack, right?
Randall: That's right.
Leigh: So even if you were there, you might not have been able to save him - unless you're going to tell me that as a 17 year old, you were trained in emergency cardiac resuscitation.

Leigh: I'm a therapist. I don't give advice. I make observations and I pose questions.

Randall: It turns out I'm still holding onto some residual resentment about my mom keeping William from me.
Beth: I could have told you that. How much are we paying this lady?

Kevin: It's...half of a square? It's train tracks? What is it?
Toby? It's mission to Mars. It's a rocket ship going into space.

Edited March 18, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Nicky: I got [Jack] those dopey white sneakers you always wear. You know, with the green backs on them. Only, you know, in baby size. I thought they were kind of cute. For a baby - not a grown man.

Nicky: There are billboards of you all over town. I think it's an ad for your nipple?

Randall: You think you know what's best for [Rebecca] because you spent a day with her? Because you took her to a movie premiere?
Kevin: I think I know what's best for her because she told us, Randall, and you took that from her.

Edited March 25, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[gonzosgirrl]

Kate (to Randall): Question for you: Do you get progressively weirder as you get older? Is that what happened? --- So when does it end? You're going to wake up one day and you're Steve Buscemi.

Kevin: Steve Buscemi is like, that's his baseline.