This Is The Quotes Thread

[Tiger]

"Beth packed a whole produce department in here, with instructions". 

I love that woman!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Beth: I got a little hot.
Randall: You always get a little hot.
Beth: Don't be cute.
Randall: Okay.
Dr. Lee: Well, you two sure are adorable.
Randall: I know.
Beth: We know.

William: Why are you making the bed?
Randall: I like making the bed.
William: But it's a hotel.
Randall: It's a motel and this is a bed and I like making it.

Randall: Okay, so here's your brick. I didn't know that was going to happen.

Randall: You get a cousin! You get a cousin! Everybody gets a cousin! Sorry, I was raised by white people.

Randall: I wish you were here.
Beth: No, you don't.
Randall: No, I do. Everything's better with a little Beth on it. You're the chocolate sauce on my ice cream, girl.
Beth: Awwwww, are you drunk?
Randall: [sings] Yeah, I may be a little drunk, but that doesn't mean it's not true.

[Indy]

6 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Randall: Okay, so here's your brick. I didn't know that was going to happen.

This line, plus the confused looks on the homeowners faces was the best.  

[camom]

William (talking about his life): The best parts were who I was with in the beginning and who I was with at the end.

(Or something close to that, I don't remember the exact words.)

[Guest]

8 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Randall: Okay, so here's your brick. I didn't know that was going to happen.

Laughing all over again just from reading this line.

[DollEyes]

William, to Jack-or rather, the tree with Jack's ashes: "Thank you for being there when I couldn't. For raising him to be the man that he is. I'm sorry I never met you, brother."

Randall, to William, while William was dying: "You're OK, Dad. You're good. [takes William's head in his hands] Just breathe." 

Sterling K. Brown & Ron Cephas Jones are/were brilliant, together & apart.

Edited February 24, 2017 by DollEyes

[ProudMary]

On 2/22/2017 at 0:38 PM, deaja said:

Laughing all over again just from reading this line.

Agreed.  What really cracked me up was that William made a beeline for the fireplace, jiggled the brick loose, collected his "treasures" and then just headed for the door, no small talk with the current owners, no desire to see the rest of the house.  It was:  OK, I got what I came for and I'm outta here!

[Kohola3]

Did anyone else think that the owners never noticed a loose brick in that fireplace all of these years? I mean the grout or whatever holds it together would have been obviously missing.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Randall: I don't know what to do, Beth. How do I honor [William's] legacy? Do I start wearing sweater vests? Drink more egg cremes? I could get cooler frames. Round ones like the hipsters wear. William was kind of the OG hipster, right?

Sophie: You're kind of sexy when you're loyal.
Kevin: Really? Because I give money to the same charity every year.
Sophie: You're not sexy when you brag about it.

Randall: I'd like to give a eulogy.
Annie: A eulogy sounds sad.
Randall: We'll call it a toast then.
Annie: We'll allow it.

Beth: I guess I'll cancel the caterer and the flowers and the white doves.
Randall: You got white doves?
Beth: They don't make black ones, Randall.

Kate: I need fifty rainbow balloons tomorrow. They're for a funeral. My nieces gave me one job.

Rebecca: Those ears haven't seen q-tips in years.

Miguel: What is this?
Beth: It's a Blue Hawaiian.
Miguel: Is that William's favorite drink?
Beth: No, I think the girls misunderstood a conversation that we had.
Miguel: Blue Hawaii was his favorite movie?
Beth: It's his favorite strain of weed.

Jack: Wife is out of town in Cleveland.
Heather: What's in Cleveland?
Jack: She's following her dreams.
Heather: No one's dreams are in Cleveland.

Sophie: I'm here to see Wicked. Am I in the right theater?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Mrs. Peabody: How did you come back from Vietnam so nice?

Rebecca's friend: How's the wedding planning going?
Katherine: Slowly. I want to serve lobster Newburg but Edward is obsessed with beef Wellington, I think because his parents served it at their wedding.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Beth: They're eating!
Randall: Who? Stacey Dash and Omarosa over there?

Kevin: The Kardashians aren't going anywhere. They're like gremlins. By next week, there'll be like a bazillion more of them.

Toby: You are absolutely going to be the new lead female singer of Yelp's seventeenth best reviewed wedding band in southern California.

Toby: You cannot tell a man who went bald at 25 that he looks like a young Bruce Willis. It's too much.

Kate: You know what the sexiest thing about you is?
Toby: My calves?

Kevin: You're going to love this place. It's like the number one joint in town. I had to pull strings like fricking Geppetto just to get in there.
Toby: Geppetto was a woodworker.

Jack: "Woof"? That's what I get? You're supposed to be a guy who says things and I get "woof."

Jack: No sheets. Sheets are for long term guests.

Rebecca: It's complicated.
Randall: -is something people say when they don't want to tell the truth.

Kevin: You don't know what it's like being in those [audition] rooms. It's horrible. You know how many times I've walked into a room and I wanted to bail when I saw James Marsden ready to read?

[OtterMommy]

5 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Kevin: The Kardashians aren't going anywhere. They're like gremlins. By next week, there'll be like a bazillion more of them.

Oh, how prescient this one was....

[Katy M]

5 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Jack: No sheets. Sheets are for long term guests.

I thought that was stupid.  No, Jack. One night guests get sheets also. Heck, if you're going to take a nap after Thanksgiving dinner, you would probably also get sheets.

[camom]

Randall:  Women can do anything.  Look at Hillary Clinton

Daughter:  She lost.

[bettername2come]

From 1x02, "Big Three":

Toby: Bruce Banner's back. Everything's fine. The Hulk is gone. Let the healing continue.

1x12 "The Big Day":

Jack: Hey God. I know we only talk at playoff season. But if you're listening, I'm concerned my wife might be possessed by demons. 

Edited October 1, 2017 by bettername2come

[bettername2come]

Kevin: I need people to love me like they loved Clooney.

Sophie: This is your least attractive side. You know that, right?

 

Annie: Mommy, have some wine. You're relaxed when you have some wine.

Beth: Okay, not everybody needs to know that.

 

Toby: I'm just gonna go pay the tab. Even though we didn't get anything.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Beth: We have to do this? We really have to travel across country for the weekend to see a taping of the least funniest show in the world?
Randall: Yeah, we do. And don't do that with the "not funny." Kevin's sensitive. He already feels like you don't think he's funny.
Beth: I don't think he's funny.
Randall: Well, don't say that.

Randall: [These forms are] just so comprehensive. And the questions are so personal. Are you usually home by 6pm? Do you spend time in nature? Are you sexually satisfied by your partner? What the hell does that have to do with what kind of foster parent I'll be? What did you put for that one?
Beth: I put generally, yes, except when I want a quickie and my husband needs too much romance.
Randall: It's not funny.
Beth: Neither is your brother.

Toby: Miguel and I are simpatico, two swarthy outsiders with exotic names.

Kevin: I gotta go get ready so do me a favor - can you please be nice to Sophie?
Kate: Kev, you know we like her more than you?
Sophie: This is what I keep telling him.

Beth: Why do these forms have you Randalling out so hard?

Kevin: I'm sorry. You thought Randall had that kind of game at 19? Who do you think was Cyrano-ing the entire thing?
Beth: Wait a minute. You-
Kevin: You fell for the Manny's game. Now you sit there and you just think about that for a second.
Beth: Oh no, it hurts. Damn, I got got.

Randall: That's the Lucille Ball building. You know who Lucille Ball was, right?
Girls: No.
Randall: You don't? She's like the girl from The Thundermans but even funnier.

[bettername2come]

1x17 "What Now?"

Randall: I love you, Mom.

Rebecca: I love you more.

Randall: I love you m- No, no. I meant what I said, but I'm a grown-ass man and this is gonna cross a very weird line.

Edited October 5, 2017 by bettername2come

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kate: This is so cool. Everybody looks so busy and important. Everybody on The Manny just looked pasty and sad.

Sylvester Stallone: I'm going to check out the frittata situation.

Kevin: Hey, Randall, who do you think is hotter? Brandy or Mariah Carey?

Shelley: We bought Amber a car so she would hate us less. It's not working.

Deja: So who's in charge here? Your mom or dad? Like who makes all the rules?
Tess: They both do...but-
Tess & Annie: Mom.
Deja: What happens if you break the rules?
Tess: You have to talk about it for like a million years and sometimes you might lose ipad privileges.
Deja: What's losing ipad privileges?
Annie: It means you can't use your ipad for a while.
Deja: You guys have your own ipad?
Tess & Annie: Yes.
Deja: This house is crazy.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kevin: NO! Someone already rented all three of The Karate Kid!
Jack: Oh no! How is my boy going to survive this tragedy of titanic proportions?

Kevin: I'm so itchy, dad. I'm going to die.
Jack: I promise you, kiddo, in the history of chicken pox, no one's ever died.
Doctor: Well, actually.

Annie: And then Grandpa William started flying the helicopter. Then we got cotton candy ice cream. Then I woke up.

Randall: [Deja] already doesn't like it here, Beth. Do you think telling her, "Hey, we all had a little chat and agreed your hair's funky," is going to make her feel welcome?
Beth: Yeah, because that's the way I would say it.

Beth: Are we seriously having a conversation right now about the order of Annie's boo boo kisses?

Rebecca: You're really cute when you're dumb. Don't leave me alone with [my mom].
Jack: Remember when you wanted to put that in the wedding vows?

Deja: Why would I want to wear someone else's gross shoes?

Sophie: I'm so sorry I can't be there to help nurse you through your recovery.
Kevin: You and me both. We could live out a very specific fantasy of mine.
Toby: Dude, she's a nurse. You can live out that fantasy any time.

Kevin: You said the medicine would help.
Jack: Yeah, well, it's only been seven minutes since you took it.

Randall: Right up there with untangling necklaces and perfectly round scoops of ice cream.

Randall: Just let me hug you! I need to get sick!

Rebecca: Do you want to know why we don't come home for the holidays anymore? It's because of you.

Rebecca: Do you remember how we were talking about what Martin Luther King Day means?
Randall: Someone shot him because he wanted to give black people equal rights. [panicked look] Did grandma shoot him?

Beth: I don't know anyone else who has a three verse song about how antibiotic ointment can help them heal faster.
Randall: [sings] And prevent an infection disaster.

Randall: Dang, girl! You look really cool. Alicia Keys cool.
Deja: [rolls eyes] She's old.

Kevin: No pain, no gain, right?
Toby: Actually no pain, full recovery.

Annie: And me and Queen Latifah were looking everywhere for the puppies but I woke up before we found them.

Edited October 18, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[PRgal]

On 10/18/2017 at 7:36 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

 

Randall: Dang, girl! You look really cool. Alicia Keys cool.
Deja: [rolls eyes] She's old.

 

^^^ As I said in the episode thread, that comment made ME feel old!  I remember seeing Alicia on the cover of Seventeen or YM (RIP).  :(  

[possibilities]

If you're 12, any adult seems old, so I thought Deja's comment was funny. Alicia Keys is super hot, though, so I was kind of nervous about Randall comparing her to a kid.

[PRgal]

8 hours ago, possibilities said:

If you're 12, any adult seems old, so I thought Deja's comment was funny. Alicia Keys is super hot, though, so I was kind of nervous about Randall comparing her to a kid.

Any adult over 25 - and ESPECIALLY over 30, that is.  I checked - Alicia is about 36.  Definitely OLD to a 12 year old.  I mean, she's old enough to be Deja's mom!  I won't be surprised if we find out that Deja's mom is younger than Alicia.  

[chocolatine]

Randall: "No black man would ever be jealous of being auctioned off. #americanhistory"

[bettername2come]

Beth: Your brother is smokin' hot.

*Randall falls*

 

Madison: And he probably won't last because no one I date ever does.

Kate: Do you think it's because you're annoying?!

 

Kate: The person I got in the accident with was Madison.

Toby: Did you kill her?

Kate: No!

Toby: Oh.  I thought you said it was good news.

[chocolatine]

Deja: "I like The Manny"

Kevin: "You do? You watch The Manny? What's your favorite episode? Iron Manny? Thin Manny? Manny Get Your Gun? Of Mice and Mannies? Manny-Pedi? I thought you were a fan!"

[Katy M]

7 minutes ago, chocolatine said:

Deja: "I like The Manny"

Kevin: "You do? You watch The Manny? What's your favorite episode? Iron Manny? Thin Manny? Manny Get Your Gun? Of Mice and Mannies? Manny-Pedi? I thought you were a fan!"

What I want to know is were those actual episode titles or was he making them up?  It's funny either way.

[chocolatine]

1 minute ago, Katy M said:

What I want to know is were those actual episode titles or was he making them up?  It's funny either way.

I kinda want them to be real, especially Of Mice and Mannies.

[Amethyst]

(while standing outside the women's bathroom)

Kevin: "Randall, there could be a woman...pooping in there."
Randall: "I know."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kevin: Listen, I need to borrow a tie for Sophie's hospital gala thing tonight.
Randall: Yeah.
Kevin: Make it something sharp too because they're actually auctioning a date off with yours truly to raise money for charity. Did I tell you that?
Randall: You told me that like four times.
Kevin: You jealous?
Randall: No black man will ever be jealous of being auctioned. #AmericanHistory

Jack: Do you think that's funny?
Kevin: If I said yes, would you be mad?

Kevin: Wasn't there a third [dress] option you were going to show me?
Sophie: I think it's too booby.
Kevin: It's too booby? Let's go with that one.

Beth: Just be cool.
Randall: I'm Randall Cool Pearson.
Beth: Cool means normal.
Randall: No, cool means cool.

Jack: You just gotta be patient.
Randall: I don't like being patient.
Jack: Nobody likes being patient.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jack: Kevin's doing his cigar smoking bum again.
Rebecca: Oh, yeah. That's his ultimate fantasy - no chores and nothing tucked in.

What about you? Party on campus?
Kate: Well, it's night school so there's no parties or campus.

Jack: Without you, what is my costume? I'm Rhoda with a mustache.

Randall: You know you two are really loud whisperers? When I come back, be normal.

[chocolatine]

Randall, to Tess, Annie, and Deja: "Good morning, Destiny's Children!"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Beth: "The clink"? Why do you sound like a character from The Wire?

Randall: Somebody's got to pay for my cold brew habit. These beans don't grow on trees. You know, actually, they do. I mean, technically, it's not a tree.

Kevin: So this is it? This is the big surprise? You guys are just giving up fashion wise?

Clerk: After I issue the marriage license, you come back tomorrow. For the ceremony, bring a witness and whoosh, you're married.
Kevin: "Whoosh"? Is that the sound that marriage makes?
Clerk: It is here.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kevin: You're killing me here.
Jack: Sorry to have interrupted your evening, my liege.

Rebecca: Is that what you're wearing?
Kevin: Mmm hmm.
Rebecca: The coach from Pitt is going to be here any second.
Kate: You should really stop borrowing shirts from Sophie, Kevin.
Kevin: I really don't think the coach is going to care what shirt I'm wearing.
Kate: Whatever, crop top.

Driver: Are you visiting or coming home?
Kevin: Uh, neither. Both. I don't know.

Jack: It was embarrassing to watch you behave just like you did.
Kevin: I know the feeling well.

Charlotte: I went to school with you. This school.

Charlotte: [The wine] is awful. Grapes crushed by real Italian feet.
Kevin: Boy, that is gross. That is really foot forward.

Charlotte: [I'm a] fellow honoree - for my work as a plastic surgeon.
Kevin: Butts or boobs?
Charlotte: Burn victims mostly.

Randall: I don't want to get there late and make a bad impression.
Kate: You're a math prodigy with insane SAT scores and perfect grades. Any college would be lucky to have a giant dork like you.
Randall: Thanks, LL Cool K.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kate: Your daddy tried to buy prenatal Flintstone vitamins but they don't make them. I think he really identifies with Fred's whole yabba dabba doo philosophy.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Randall: Hey, why did the ipad go to the dentist? It had bluetooth!
Tess and Annie: ...
Randall: Funny, right?
Annie: No.

Randall: You like Police Academy 4?
Deja: ...
Randall: Oh, you will, Deja. You will.

Linda: I need to remind you that this is exactly what you signed up for.

Jack: I don't want [Randall] to major in Pac-Man.

Randall: I hesitated, but not because you're white. Because you're old.

Randall: You know how you felt at Howard when you thought I hesitated because you're white? How you were kind of mad about it but couldn't exactly say why? I feel like that all the time.

Annie: You shouldn't drink so fast. You'll get the hiccups.

[bettername2come]

Beth: Wow. That is some white people level repression, babe.

Randall: Well, I was raised by white peop-

Beth: Everybody knows.

 

Beth: The others? What, are we on Lost?

 

Barbara the therapist: We are going to talk about some things regarding your family and your father that were not so perfect, even when he was alive. Can we go there together?

Randall: Oh, God, do we have to?

 

Toby: I saw a picture of the man and said his mustache made him look like a 70s porn star. I thought she was gonna deck me.

 

Kate: I'm crazy? You're here by court order, and I'm crazy?

 

Kate: I love my crazyass brothers.

[BuckeyeLou]

26 minutes ago, bettername2come said:

Beth: Wow. That is some white people level repression, babe.

Randall: Well, I was raised by white peop-

Beth: Everybody knows.

 

Beth: The others? What, are we on Lost?

 

Barbara the therapist: We are going to talk about some things regarding your family and your father that were not so perfect, even when he was alive. Can we go there together?

Randall: Oh, God, do we have to?

 

Toby: I saw a picture of the man and said his mustache made him look like a 70s porn star. I thought she was gonna deck me.

 

Kate: I'm crazy? You're here by court order, and I'm crazy?

 

Kate: I love my crazyass brothers.

Another one in the bar: Toby says to Beth(about Miguel) "Is he Drunk"? after Miguel says what a great guy Jack was.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Randall: First of all, Julie's brownies are bland as hell and lumpy.

Randall: When I was at my lowest, Kevin was there for me so now we gotta be there for him too.
Beth: Fine. But I'm not making any efforts to hold in my passive aggressive sighs.
Randall: Since when do you ever make any efforts to - ho ho ha ha. As for me, when I think about how angry I am with him, I'm just going to take a deep breath and force myself to say, "We're here for you, Kevin."
Beth: That is some white people level repression, babe.
Randall: Well, I was raised by white people.
Beth: Everybody knows.

Kevin: Everyone, this is Barbara. She's my therapist. She's great. You guys are going to love her. She's got all the answers. You're actually my favorite Barbara that I've ever met in my entire life, and I've met Walters and Streisand.

Beth: To The Others!
Toby: No, to the new Big Three!

Beth: Any time I try to have a conversation about Kevin's behavior, I go into the Pearson no fly zone.
Toby: I have flown hard into the Pearson no fly zone on many occasions and it does not end well. What do you guys do when there's a no fly zone that you have to fly into? Like right now there's something I gotta talk to Kate about that she's been hiding from me.
Beth: It's not about Jack, right? Because that's like a straight up air strike zone.
Toby: No, yeah, I learned that lesson a long time ago when we first started dating. I saw a photo of the man and I said his mustache made him look like a 70s porn star. I thought she was going to deck me.

Kevin: This cabin sucks! This family sucks! You suck!

Toby: When I was a kid, I loved Star Wars. I loved that it was this huge story where a bunch of people come together to fight these giant wars. But when you break it down, it's just about a few people on the inside who know what's up: Luke, Vader, Leia, Obi-Wan. They were on the inside and they're having light saber battles on bridges and they're talking about big stuff. An everybody else was pretty much Chewbacca.
Beth: So in this story, the three of us are Chewbacca?
Toby: If the Chewie fits.
Miguel: I married my best frend's wife. Nobody talks about it but everyone's always thinking it. I've been on the outside of this family since I entered it. I'm not even Chewbacca. I'm one of the fighter pilots who doesn't even have a name.
Beth: That's not true, Miguel.
Miguel: It is. And I'm okay with that. You see, Toby, those four lived through something very unique together. They lived through the loss of the best man any of us will ever know. And that's why they get to be on the inside, Toby. That's why they get the light sabers.
Toby: How drunk is he?

Randall: You know what would have been sweet? If we had someone documenting our entire childhood Boyhood style.
Kate: I hate that movie.
Kevin: Never saw it.

Randall: So just to clarify, it's official that I'm mom's favorite, right?

Edited January 10, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[bettername2come]

Kate: But enough about me. Madison, go ahead and say something that will make us roll our eyes.

Madison: I think my wrists are getting fat.

 

Kevin: Mondays I go to the grocery store with Mom. I can't believe I used to date Jessica Biel.

Rebecca: Oh, I like her.

 

Randall: Did you like him or did you love him?

Neighbor: Wasn't he a fancy man?

Randall: No, he was pretty low-key - oh, you mean gay. No. Bi.

Neighbor: Bye.

 

Madison: Oh, my God.

Kate: What?

Madison: Should we host a podcast?

Kate: No, no one wants that.

 

Madison: I can't believe it. I finally have a best friend.

 

Jack: How do you feel?

Kevin: I feel like I'm wearing a suit.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Beth: Dang it. 
Randall: What?
Beth: I just lost the lot on Clinton Avenue. The city just sold it to a Costco. So much for building a beautiful park for the hardworking people of Trenton, New Jersey. Now they get a Costco.
Annie: I'd rather have a Costco there than a-
Randall: Shh.

Barbara: I'm very proud of you, Kevin. You've made the most of your time here.
Kevin: Well, thank you, Babs. That means a lot. I can call you Babs, right? 
Barbara: Still no. 
Kevin: We're not there yet? 
Barbara: No. But in here is in here, but out there, there are 86,400 seconds in a day.
Kevin: Did you steal that from Rent?

Rebecca: I got you organic bananas, and raw cashews. And, uh I've got kale, so much kale. In fact, the woman at the grocery store asked me what I was gonna do with all this kale, and I said, "You know what? My son is coming to town, and he's crazy about kale."
Kevin: Well, yeah, yeah, no, normally, I would be, but, uh, I've actually switched, Mom. I've switched to a strict diet of Skittles and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Because, uh, well, my therapist said it's okay to go nuts on sugar right now.

Kevin: Classic.
Jack: What?
Kevin: You just always do that. You always go straight into a big pep talk. I think sometimes you just need a little bit of time to let things suck. 
Jack: Really? 
Miguel: He's got a he's got a point, Jack. I mean, sometimes a guy just wants to to be bummed about crappy things.

Rebecca: You beat yourself up about losing your necklace and I beat myself up because I can't seem to take mine off.

Lloyd: Now I'm not one for gossip, but I saw William coming and going from that apartment at all hours, if you know what I mean. Oh, hell, I love gossip.

Randall: Hi. You the super?
Donna: Feeling pretty average, but yeah.

[bettername2come]

Young Kate: Randall looks the same every day. He's like a cartoon character.

 

Kate: You're getting all red!

Toby: I am sixty pounds overweight and Irish, that is my color!

 

Randall: Has anybody seen my brother? Has anybody seen The Manny?

 

Jack: You know what, we can't have sex in the office. That would be unprofessional.

 

Kate: I found the cutest dog. Like if Jacob Tremblay was a dog cute.

Toby: *gasp* Jacob Tremblay dog!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: I brought our wake-up shots, but it's orange juice this year, not whiskey. 
Jack; Very rock and roll of us.

Randall: "Do some good, don't go broke." Company motto, write it down. 
Beth: I'm not writing that down. 
Randall: It's cool. Already memorized it.

Randall: These people have been putting up with less than they deserve for far too long - peeling paint, filthy halls, that sad courtyard that smells like pee. 
Beth: Yeah, what is that?
Randall: I think it's pee.

Toby: Some people look at vacation rentals, some people look at porn, I look at dogs.

Lloyd: Well, thanks for the bagel and the orangey fish. 
Randall: It's smoked salmon, Lloyd. 

Beth: Can I just say that you-
Randall: Look, I know what you're gonna say. I didn't slow my roll. And you're right. That was a very fast roll. My roll got its steam by the second. I was like Sonic the Hedgehog up in here.

Jack: Last Pearson Super Bowl is getting off to an angsty start.
Rebecca: At least Randall still likes us. 
Jack: I think he likes Allison more.

Randall: I don't want to say "I told you so."
Beth: Really? Cause it sounds like you called just to say it.

Randall: We got a few minutes before the roaches get us. Or before we find out this wall was load-bearing.

Kevin: What are you doing? I mean, you're doing, like, a month's worth of repairs in a day. You're doing it all by yourself, with no help from anyone. I mean, you got actor help, but basically that's like, you know, no help.
Randall: I'm almost 40 years old and I'm starting a new career. That's late, man. I feel like I'm already running out of time.
Kevin: Running out of time? Come on, we're the same age, man. And don't say 40, all right? Again - actor.

Randall: Go ahead. Say "I told you so."
Beth: I'm not gonna say that. I am gonna say, "You always start with pest control." And you always start with pest control because you don't want to go busting through a bunch of drywall when you have a building filled with roaches. And then you're gonna say, "That makes sense." And then you're gonna say something charming about how much you love me, and it's gonna almost get you off the hook, but you know what's really gonna get you off the hook?
Randall: No, what?
Beth: It's when you say, "I've never owned a building before. But my partner here, she's been working with underserved communities her entire career. She's a real resource to me. I'm gonna utilize my resource."
Randall: I sound smarter when you do me than when I do me.
Beth: Yeah, well, that's why it's fun.

Lloyd: Get a room!
Randall: Hey, what can I say, man? I love my wife.

Toby: What is your name? 
Kate: It's Audio. We can change it if you don't like it.
Toby: Audio?
Kate: Yeah.
Toby: No, I love it. It's like some weird, obnoxious celebrity baby name.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: What do you normally do on a Super Bowl?
Kevin: Can I be honest with you?
Rebecca: Yeah, always.
Kevin: Typically I will get blackout drunk and I will try to sleep with the hottest model that'll have me. What about you?
Rebecca: Same. I don't want to tell you cause you'll make fun of me.
Kevin: Make fun of you? I'm a 37 year old former sitcom star staying with his mother in New Jersey post-rehab stint. I think I've lost the high ground on making fun of anything at this point.
Rebecca: Alright, well every year at some point, I go to the grocery store and I buy all the ingredients to make your dad's favorite lasagna and then I come home and I make it and I eat it and I watch the game.
Kevin: That is intensely sad.
Rebecca: No, it's not!

Rebecca: Why don't you join me today?
Kevin: No, I'm going to try to be the only family member that doesn't get intensely sad today.

Beth: Baby, objectively speaking, this is not a sexy look for you.
Randall: That's because I didn't know you were there, but when I do it like this - so sexy.

Randall: Hot dad, hot dad!

Randall: That's how Randall rolls!
Beth: Oh, so third person Randall is coming to the party too today?
Randall: Yeah, he got here early.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jack: Alright so who's this Atlantis character whose music trumps a good education?
Kate: Dear God, dad. ALANIS, not Atlantis.
Jack: Like that's a more normal name.

Jack: I don't get it. This is like complaining with a guitar, Kate. This isn't music.
Kate: Well, dad, this won five Grammys.
Jack: No.
Kate: Yes.
Jack: Really?

[Lovecat]

On 2/5/2018 at 2:38 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Randall: That's how Randall rolls!
Beth: Oh, so third person Randall is coming to the party too today?
Randall: Yeah, he got here early.

I love those two.  

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: Patrick Swayze's not gonna pop out of our closet, is he?

Beth: Everything I own with glitter is packed. It is T-minus 30 minutes to departure. Vegas, baby! Where are the neat piles organized by size, color and material, man?

Beth: Baby, you love Vegas. Do Rain Man blackjack for me.
Randall: I don't feel like doing Rain Man blackjack.
Beth: Okay.
Randall: You know we're pity invites, right? Nobody wants their brother or sister in law watching them go wild in Vegas.
Beth: Hey, I'm totally down with a pity invite, okay? I deserve a pity invite. I have two children, work a full-time job, and manage a tenement because you saw a mural and imagined a cat. Hey, I deserve this.
Randall: Definitely have a sixteen against a nine. Definitely gonna hit. Sixteen plus five is twenty one. It's definitely a winning hand. Definitely a winning hand.

Madison: Hey, Toblerone.
Toby: I really don't like that. Uh, I'm packing for this Vegas bromance-a-thon, and I'm trying to figure out if I go Clooney Ocean or Sinatra Ocean. I need fiancée wisdom.
Kate: You're a thief and a liar.
Toby: I only lied about being a thief. Yep, you're right. Clooney Ocean. You're always right. That's why I put a ring on it.

Madison: Later, Toby Bryant!
Toby: You know what? You got to stop doing that cause that's...You know, I like Toby Bryant. That's good.

Toby: Joint belly rub? 
Kate: You or the dog?

Kate: Well, at least you get Randall at your [party]. Randall can make anything fun. At least I that's how I remember it, when I actually, you know, used to see him. And I get Beth, who I've spent a sum total of seven minutes alone with my entire life. 
Toby: Come on, Beth is great. 
Kate: Okay, you take her. And I'll take Randall.
Toby: Oh, no no no no no. The Brothers Pearson are all mine this weekend. I got one scoop of dark chocolate Pearson, and one scoop of creamy vanilla Pearson, and I'm gonna be the ruddy strawberry that brings it all together, baby.

Beth: Damn, baby! I am feeling Vegas right now! Let's do something crazy. Let's go skydiving. Oh, let's go take ecstasy and see the magician that got ate by the lion.

Renata: Fresh towels. 
Kevin: Come on in. I didn't just call you in here for fresh towels. I want to show you something. And what's your name?
Renata: Renata.
Kevin: Renata, look at this right here. You know what that is? There's 27 bottles of alcohol in there. Since I was 18, I've been to Vegas probably I don't know 50 times. And of those 50 times, I want you to guess how many I've been absolutely blackout drunk for. 
Renata: All of them. 
Kevin: All of them. Yes. Every single one of 'em. Good job. You're good at this game. How did you know that?
Renata: You're Rehab Manny who got drunk and ran over his daughter with a car.
Kevin: Renata, you can't believe everything you read. But anyway, coming to Vegas at this point in my life is like, um, it's like my Mount Everest, okay? And I'm gonna conquer it. So tomorrow when you come in here, you're gonna walk over here, you're gonna count 27 bottles of unopened alcohol, you're gonna reach over here, you're gonna grab that $100 tip that I'm leaving for you, and you're gonna feel so good about being part of this stranger's journey, all right? The Rehab Manny, as you so lovingly called him, that you witnessed conquer his personal Mount Everest.
Renata: Do you still want towels?
Kevin: Sure.

Kevin: What's herbes de Provence?
Jack: I don't know, bud. But are you sure you just don't want to make spaghetti or something?
Kevin: Didn't mom say at Kate's piano recital that she always wanted to try Cornish hens?
Jack: She did.
Kevin: Then get in the game, dad.

Kevin: Oh, guys, check this out. Randall's bachelor party, which I was in charge of, okay, so I bring him to this pretty seedy strip club, you know, to make a man out of him, right? That's what you do. I'm his brother. Uh, we get there, and Randall, within 20 minutes, has convinced two of the strippers to quit their jobs and go back to school. He takes care of other people.
Randall: You know what? At least I didn't date one of them for a year.
Kevin: It was nice. She was really sweet. She was a sweetheart.
Toby: See, what you are witnessing here is the Kevin/Randall rivalry. It is a tale as old as time.

Rebecca: How's dinner looking? Cause it's getting kind of late.
Kevin: My entree had to marinate for three hours!

Kate: I think Dad should wear a tux, and you should look like this.
[Kate holds out a VHS copy of Pretty Woman]

Beth: Randall, what are you doing here? 
Madison: Hey! No boys allowed. Strip or split.

Randall: I didn't expect to see you getting your freak on with Magic Mike.
Beth: His name is Anton actually.

Randall: Kate?
Kate: You found me.
Randall: It wasn't very hard. Only person still drinking Cosmos in 2018.
Kate: Carrie Bradshaw - that girl is timeless, okay, and so are her favorite cocktails.

Kate: I just want you to know that I like to pride myself on being the first person to realize that Randall Pearson was the coolest human ever. I've known that since we were kids. You know, everyone thinks that it was always Kevin and Kate. But the year after Dad died, it was Kate and Randall eating Hot Pockets and watching Mom pretending to be okay. And binge-watching Sex and the City when binge-watching wasn't even a thing. And I knew that one day that I was gonna lose you to somebody who was as cool as Beth. But that someday, it happened so fast. And, God, she is spectacular. I get it, I know it. But then, when I did, when I lost you, I-
Randall: First off, you can never lose me. Not even if you tried. You basically got brother LoJack on me. Kate, I was a straight, black teenage boy. Do you really think I liked watching Sex and the City that much? I just watched it because you loved it. 
Kate: Really? 
Randall: Yeah. 
Kate: I thought that you were such a Miranda.

Kate: It's really hard for me to make friends. My brothers were my friends. I was always self-conscious and defensive around strong women. I mean, look no further than my mother. And so when Randall met you, I was intimidated.
Beth: Intimidated? Why?
Kate: Because you're flawless. Because when I was a waitress, you were getting a master's and building a house. And then you have a meaningful job. You bought a building and you foster kids. And I sing and I adopted a dog.
Beth: Kate. Man, I am so far from doing what I actually want to do in my job that I agreed to buy a building with your brother, which is exhausting.

Toby: I was ten when [my brother] was born, so I adored the kid since birth. I remember, I was 16. I was such a nerd. I was like a Dungeons & Dragons by myself kind of nerd. Ugh. You do not want to know what it feels like to be a 16 year old when your 6 year old brother says he doesn't want to play with you anymore nd you know that he means it.

Toby: Do you have Ron Howard's phone number in that fancy phone of yours?
Kevin: Yeah.
Toby: Call him. 
Kevin: No.
Toby: Yeah. 
Kevin: No.
Toby: You call him and you tell him he has made a Pretty Woman sized mistake. Big. Huge. All right? You thank him for the opportunity, but you let him know that it's his loss. You make him believe it because you believe it. Now, Randy. Can I call you Randy? 
Randall: No.

Jack: A big, grand gesture - it's not about the actual thing that you do. It's not about what you say. It's about intent. It's about taking the time to tell the person you care about, "I see you. I hear you. I know exactly what you need right now, and I'm showing how important that is to me."
Kevin: But it never hurts to have a couple of big ass hens.
Jack: No, it never hurts to have a couple big ass hens.

Beth: I love that you're all heart. I married you for your heart. And your abs, but mostly your heart.

Edited February 28, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Deja: Omigawd, you're still so corny.
Randall: Like I'm on the cob, baby!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kate: You've gone out of your way to make this my dream wedding. You know, just one beautiful day at my favorite place. And I know that my choices are kind of weird. It's not normal to have my dad's urn next to our guest book.
Toby: It's a fun twist on the sign in station
Kate: And to have his Daytona Beach t-shirt as my something old. It's weird. I know.

Kevin: Everyone gets a KaToby wine opener. They get a bottle of champagne. And they get a scented candle. Now why are you just now starting with the gift bags? No, no, no, hold on. Don't justify it. Fix it. Okay, yeah, I'll see you tonight, Randall.

Toby: This car ride is going to be a nightmare. My parents, whenever they're together, all they do is fight. My dad's constantly pressuring my mom to marry her boyfriend.

Randall: I miss Deja classic. No, Deja classic was when we first met her and she was all quiet and sullen. I miss Deja 2.0 when she was all used to us and sweet and she told me all my jokes were corny but secretly she liked them.

Randall: Wait. Can we just do our thing where we say all the bad things that we're thinking, no judgment, no censorship?
Beth: You want to play worst case scenario now?
Randall: I just got to get it out of my system.
Beth: All right. Let's do it.
Randall: Deja never turns this around and ends up in jail. Go.
Beth: She might kill us both in our sleep. Go.
Randall: She might kill us both NOT in our sleep. Go.
Beth: She'll make Tess resent us and end up on the pole. Go.
Randall: Wait, Tess will resent us and Deja will end up on the pole? Or Tess will resent us and also be the one who ends up on the pole?
Beth: Both on the pole.
Randall: Damn.

Rebecca: I don't want to do anything to make Kate feel like I'm going to make tomorrow about me.
Miguel: Why would she think that?
Rebecca: Because I put her on edge by the things I do or say or don't say or the way I breathe. But tomorrow's her wedding day and I feel like I'm this walking reminder of Jack. He's the one that she lost and I'm the one that she got stuck with.
Miguel: I don't think that's true. And if it helps, just remember - at least you're not me.
Rebecca: What's that supposed to mean?
Miguel: What's that supposed to mean? If anyone is  walking reminder of Jack, it's me. Forget about what you're wearing. If I could dress in all brown tomorrow and pretend to be a tree, I would. I'd just throw acorns at people.

Randall: [Deja]'s belligerent. It's like I"m raising Russell Crowe.

Kate: I can't find dad's Daytona t-shirt. It was going to be my something old. I was going to pin it inside my dress.
Randall: Oh. That's really, uh...
Kate: Weird. I KNOW I am weird, Randall!

Kevin: Toby, sup?
Toby: Sup?
Kevin: I got Randall here. Randall wants to say sup.
Randall: Sup.
Toby: Sup.

Randall: Kate, it's a t-shirt. He was more than a t-shirt.

Kevin: You just put your PJs on, curl up with your favorite Sandra Bullock movie because guess what? Someone's getting married tomorrow.
Randall: One of the romantic ones. Not the one where they're trying to kill her through thte internet. Spooky.

Madison: I'm the maid of honor.
Randall: I thought Kate said she didn't have a maid of honor
Madison: Well maybe she said that but she didn't mean it.

Kevin: This is a disaster, Randall. This is huge. We lost the bride on the wedding day. That's like the number one "don't" for wedding coordinators.
Randall: Beth and I play this game sometimes - worst case scenario. It's where we say all the things we're afraid of out loud and it makes us feel better. You down?
Kevin: Yeah, I'm down.
Randall: We never find Kate and we have to tell Toby that the wedding's off and he's so shocked that he has a heart attack and dies.
Kevin: JESUS, RANDALL.
Randall: That's the game.
Kevin: Yeah? What if he doesn't die, Randall? He could kick her out of the apartment. Now she's forced to find a place to live. She's forced to move in with me. It's supposed to be temporary, of course, but neither one of us ever find love. We become one of those creepy pairs of twins that grows old together and when we're at the grocery store, people mistake us for a married couple and we don't even correct them anymore because what's the point?
Randall: Wow, you're really good at this game.

Kate: You're not in my way. You are my way.

Edited March 14, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Harris' mom: Your father, your brothers, everybody's so excited about today.
Harris: What about you, ma?
Harris' mom: I just cook. You know this.
Harris' sister: Mom? I'm going out with Michael.
Harris' mom: Don't get pregnant.

Deja: I didn't get [Randall] anything [for this birthday].
Zoe: Please. You're a kid. Just paint some macaroni, throw it on a piece of string, and call it a day.

Beth: Now I'm sure of it. Your brother and my cousin are knocking boots.
Randall: What you talking about, Beth?
Beth: It's an expression from the 90s. It means that they are having sex.
Randall: I'm familiar with the expression, woman. I'm just asking why are you so positive?
Beth: Because I know.
Randall: But you don't.
Beth: You need to talk to him.
Randall: And say what?
Beth: Tell him to get the hell off of Beth's cousin before I kill you in the face!

Randall: I need you to swear to it on Oprah.
Beth: I'm not doing that.

Kevin: What am I? Just an afternoon booty call to you? Because that would be amazing.

Zoe: [Beth] is already sniffing things out. She is like a secret bloodhound.
Kevin: Meaning she sniffs out secrets like a bloodhound or she's actually secretly a bloodhound?

Kevin: You can't dress all crazy because the more you dress like Mia Farrow, the hotter I get.

Beth: You could be with any other guy and you're going to be with Kevin? What in the holy hell are you thinking?
Zoe: What am I thinking? I'm thinking he looks like Batman and he is built like a truck!
Beth: Will you stop with the honesty?

Beth: Did you know he dated the woman from Party of Five?
Zoe: I love Neve Campbell!