I Once Took A Donkey And Some Honeycomb Into... : Jokes!

[Mindthinkr]

Well at least I’m in good company and the joke isn’t on me. 

[Browncoat]

I don't get it, either.

[annzeepark914]

It's not a real club although it has some history to it (started by WWII pilots) & I was given a supposedly official membership card (that I lost). OK...what's a four letter word that's on the bottom of a birdcage? Grit. Well, that was my answer & it was accepted. It was just something a bit corny.

[Bastet]

Huh.  I wouldn't have come up with that if I sat here all year thinking about it.

[annzeepark914]

I'll try to find some funny jokes to make up for this ☺️

[annzeepark914]

"I see people my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance."

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

"A TV can insult your intelligence. But nothing rubs it in like a computer."

[annzeepark914]

My buddy set me up on a blind date & said, "Heads up, she's expecting a baby." Felt like an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper.

I got caught in a police speed trap yesterday. The officer walked up to my car and said "I've been waiting all day for you".  "Well", I said, "I got here as fast as I could".

Edited August 27, 2021 by annzeepark914

[Scatterbrained]

I thought this was funny: Cosmo Missionary STYLE (Totally safe for work, but still, save t for when you are out of office.)

Edited August 28, 2021 by Scatterbrained

[annzeepark914]

I've never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three-year-old toddler over my shoulder.

Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight.

We live in an age where mentioning you read a book seems a little bit like you're showing off.

[annzeepark914]

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

[annzeepark914]

I don't mean to brag but I'm helping a Nigerian Prince with a pretty serious financial matter. I can't really talk about it.

So far eating hasn't filled the emptiness I feel inside, but I'm no quitter.

Autocorrect can go to He'll.

 

[annzeepark914]

People are a lot less judge-y when you say you ate an “avocado salad”...instead of a bowl of guacamole.

My prince is not coming on a white horse. He's obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost.

When a guy says he's fine what he really means is he's fine.

Edited October 16, 2021 by annzeepark914

[annzeepark914]

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If a woman speaks and no one is listening, her name is probably Mom.

[annzeepark914]

According to my Chocolate Advent Calendar,

there are only three days left 'til Christmas 🌲

Edited November 6, 2021 by annzeepark914

[annzeepark914]

Why do stores have Halloween decorations in August? This is ridiculous. Nobody wants to... Oooo look! Candy corn.

What is an extreme sport? Doing your homework while the teacher is collecting it.

If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.

[ginger90]

[peacheslatour]

Earlier I was painting my nails when I heard my boss yelling at me from across the room.

He said “For fuck’s sake, will you stop painting the damn things and just hammer them into the damn wall”

[peacheslatour]

My three year old daughter asked me a hard question.

 

"Where does poo come from?"

I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"

"Yes." she replied.

"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

[JustHereForFood]

One of my neighbours started to loudly pound on my door at half past midnight.

I was so startled that I almost dropped the drill I was holding.

[annzeepark914]

Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

I’ve been waiting for a bus for so long, someone just stapled a lost cat flyer to my chest.

 

[JTMacc99]

The first rule of the Introvert Club is: There is no Introvert Club.

Thank goodness.

[Annber03]

7 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

The first rule of the Introvert Club is: There is no Introvert Club.

Thank goodness.

As an introvert, I feel this deep in my soul :D. 

[annzeepark914]

We got divorced on the grounds of religious differences. My husband thought he was God.

A housewife's battle: The household stares at me. I stare right back. Without breaking eye contact, I slide a piece of chocolate in my mouth. I won!

What not to say when you get pulled over:

Police officer: Papers.

Driver: Scissors.

[annzeepark914]

Next time you get a call from an unknown caller, pick it up and say: "It's done, but there's tons of blood everywhere."  Then, hang up.

The true nature of a human being clearly shows when the supermarket opens a second express line.

An opportunist is the guy who drinks the water while the pessimist, the optimist and the realist are arguing about how full the glass is. 

[annzeepark914]

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

Bumper Sticker: Am I driving too close in front of you?

 

 

 

[annzeepark914]

My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters...But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly it’s, "we need to talk".

Introducing myself to new girlfriend's parents: "Hi, I usually don't make it this far."

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

[peacheslatour]

[JTMacc99]

[annzeepark914]

“My 5-year-old just told me that turtles are slow because they carry their houses on their backs, and I feel like this is a solid analogy for parenthood.”

“Repeating the same thing over and over to your kids isn’t so bad if you think of it as chanting a zen mantra: “Put on your shoes. Put on your shoes. Put on your shoes. Ommmmm.”

“I feel like I’d be a much better parent if I didn’t have to do it every day.”

“The closest I get to a spa day is when the steam from the dishwasher smacks me in the face.”

“The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.”

[JustHereForFood]

I don't understand people who don't want kids. You can experience so many great moments with them! Like, when they finally move out of the house and leave you alone.

[annzeepark914]

Do women ever sit back and think, "My man sure does know a lot...maybe I should just be quiet and listen to him"?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Fun Fact:

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream.

So, if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that'd be great!

 

[annzeepark914]

Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them?
In the bookstore, under “Fiction.”

[annzeepark914]

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” —Phyllis Diller

“By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.” —Robert Frost

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” —Robert Orben

“Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.” —George Carlin

[annzeepark914]

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

I'm on a health kick. I've decided to stop using the drive-thru at McDonald's! I'm going to park the car and walk in.

 

[nokat]

[SoMuchTV]

1 hour ago, nokat said:

Dad...?  Is that you...?

[Browncoat]

It's a murder of crows only if there is probable caws.

[RealityCheck]

I found these amusing: Parents Who Were So Stunned By Their Kid’s Attitudes, They Just Had To Share The Moment

[Mindthinkr]

[Laura Holt]

[JustHereForFood]

I admit that as second language speaker, I don't really get all of these, but those I do are pretty funny:

 

• An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

• A question mark walks into a bar?

• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out – we don’t serve your type.”

• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

• A synonym strolls into a tavern.

• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar – fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

• A dyslexic walks into a bra.

• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony

[SoMuchTV]

26 minutes ago, JustHereForFood said:

I admit that as second language speaker, I don't really get all of these, but those I do are pretty funny:

 

• An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

• A question mark walks into a bar?

• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out – we don’t serve your type.”

• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

• A synonym strolls into a tavern.

• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar – fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

• A dyslexic walks into a bra.

• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony

Which don't you get?  We could probably help you out, if you want to dive deeper.  But basically each bullet point is an example (or in some cases, a blatant violation) of the grammar rule or literary category it mentions.

[JustHereForFood]

19 minutes ago, SoMuchTV said:

Which don't you get?  We could probably help you out, if you want to dive deeper.  But basically each bullet point is an example (or in some cases, a blatant violation) of the grammar rule or literary category it mentions.

Thanks. Yeah, I get how it works and I even understood most of them once I googled what simile or gerund is, but I'm not sure about these:

• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony

 

[Bastet]

52 minutes ago, JustHereForFood said:

• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The man is named Ralph, but the way this is written - with the modifier misplaced - it reads as if the glass eye is named Ralph.

[SoMuchTV]

1 hour ago, JustHereForFood said:

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony

That one took me a while, but I think it’s because “hyphenated” is not hyphenated, but “non-hyphenated” is hyphenated.  Thus the irony?

[Browncoat]

2 hours ago, SoMuchTV said:

That one took me a while, but I think it’s because “hyphenated” is not hyphenated, but “non-hyphenated” is hyphenated.  Thus the irony?

That's how I understood it.

[annzeepark914]

@JustHereForFood: I loved this! I'm going to post it on my Facebook page (where I recently posted a salute to International Apostrophe Day 😁). I especially loved the malapropism and the dyslexic. 

[Bastet]

4 minutes ago, annzeepark914 said:

I especially loved the malapropism

That was my favorite.

[Laura Holt]

 

[annzeepark914]

4 hours ago, Laura Holt said:

 

Didn't Joanne Gaines do this on Fixer Upper? It looks ridiculous.