Small Talk: How Not To Get Caught Dead With Dirty Underwear

[ari333]

Oh my God My people! I remember the Sat. night wash your hair bath. I wondered as a 9 yr old why people always said , "oh your hair is so SHINY!" It was fucking GREASY. Shiny ....my voluminous smokin' rockin' ass.

Edited October 27, 2015 by ari333

[zxy556575]

You washed your hair in the sink, or in the tub under the faucet, or when you went to the beauty parlor on Saturday.

 

Ha! My mother also had her hair "done" once a week, on Saturdays. She didn't wash it in between but she used so much spray, her hair was more the texture of tin anyway. We lived in San Diego at the time but she was not the sort of woman willing to get her hair wet at the beach or pool and always put on a poofy shower cap to bathe. She also had a net head scarf thingie she wore to bed to keep her style going.

Edited October 27, 2015 by lordonia

[cooksdelight]

Granny had that blue hair rinse. I have an old postcard, that was turned into a painting, of a bunch of men standing on the street corner in the little town where they lived. I knew exactly why those men were there. All their wives were in the beauty shop! 

[walnutqueen]

Granny had that blue hair rinse. I have an old postcard, that was turned into a painting, of a bunch of men standing on the street corner in the little town where they lived. I knew exactly why those men were there. All their wives were in the beauty shop! 

 

 I do believe that's the same blueing shit I still have a tin of to add to my laundry whites ...  :-)

 

Let's not revisit the miasma of hairspray I was subjected to as a child - responsible for the depletion of the ozone layer and my inevitable lung cancer, I'm sure!

[auntjess]

 

Those were the days, eh!  Saturday night baths and towel drying hair while listening to the radi-o.

I can remember having to lean over the open oven, (with only the pilot on), to dry my hair.

And the important thing to my mother in the Saturday night bath, was to scrub behind my ears, so that the people sitting behind me in church wouldn't see dirt behind  them, and embarrass my mother.

[cooksdelight]

We had a tornado hit here in 1974, but I didn't know what was going on. Dad was chain-smoking like crazy, he and mom were looking out the window constantly. I wanted to take a bath and got a resounding NO from both of them. All of a sudden, a loud clap of thunder, the skies went white and the power went out. A friend called me from town (we lived out in the sticks at this point) and asked me if we were all OK, that a tornado had just ripped through town. Now, I knew what was going on. Four people died. One elderly lady was found up in a tree, her body whipped up there when the trailer she lived in was demolished. All the way across town, her baby granddaughter was killed. One man survived by sitting in his bathtub... someone's Mustang came into his living room.

The editor of our local newspaper wrote: "We've never had a disaster like this, and we need help. We've never had to holler for help, but right now, I'm hollerin'. "

I remember riding into town the next day with my Dad, to survey the damage. We rounded a curve and I saw a mountain had been ripped open. Nothing but solid rock, all the trees and dirt were gone. A house where a friend lived was nothing but a shell (she and her family hid in the basement and were OK). Then we saw the hardest hit area... a friend of my Dad was permanently disabled, their mobile home was gone. An entire neighborhood disappeared.

[One Tough Cookie]

c

Ha! My mother also had her hair "done" once a week, on Saturdays. She didn't wash it in between but she used so much spray, her hair was more the texture of tin anyway. We lived in San Diego at

the time but she was not the sort of woman willing to get her hair wet at the beach or pool and always put on a poofy shower cap to bathe. She also had a net head scarf thingie she wore to bed to keep her style going.

 

Too funny--my 85 year old MIL goes once a week for her wash/color/set/spray without fail, God bless her.  She also favors a, how shall I say it?--DISTINCTIVE shade of deep reddish/pink dye.

Edited October 29, 2015 by One More Time

[ari333]

I don't know.... why the same house over and over again? I have never dreamed about a place more than once like that. 

 

Hey, Cooks and others... there are some dream sites that may be interesting. Also there is one that interprets dreams. They ask you to "like" the fan page or whatever, but in the lower right corner there is a seconds countdown thing. If you just wait a bit you can get an interpretation without liking anything or clicking, doing anything.

 

 

http://thedreamzone.com/

 

http://www.whatyourdreammeans.com/

 

http://www.lauriloewenberg.com/

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thedreamzone

[Calamity Jane]

Party lines... OMG, I used to have the most fun with those! My Granny's neighborhood, I could listen in to the teenage boy next door talking to his girlfriend. I think I learned more about sex from that than any talks my mother ever had with me. Then the one we had at our house out in the country, one time the neighbor went away on vacation and left their phone off the hook. We were all trapped with no phone service! LOL!! We didn't have a phone until I was 12. We previously lived in town and if you needed anything, you just ran next door.

My dad had a tumor on his spine which caused him to pass out, with his eyes rolling back in his head and my mother screaming.... I remember running out and down the street to the neighbors who had a phone, in my pajamas, for them to call for an ambulance. He had surgery and was totally fine after that, but it scared my parents into finally getting a phone once we moved out to the country.

I only have a cell phone. My land line phone cost me more than the monthly fee for a cell phone, so it was a no-brainer to me to get the cell phone. I had a cheapie flip phone at first, then a LG with a keyboard, now I have an iPhone. I am a Mac user and everything is Mac-based and interconnective. I have a keyboard attached to my iPad (which is where I am most of the time) and if someone with an iPhone texts me, it will come in on the iPad so I can answer them a lot easier than by typing on the tiny phone keys.

I'm on Facebook, but my page is locked down tight for anyone who's not a friend. I don't tweet or anything else, I don't have time.

I have my MacBook similarly linked, so I get my text messages on my laptop, too.  Love it.  And unlike most of you, I'm very, very connected first because that's how my kids communicate, and second because we had to have our phones at hand at all times in the classroom for various office messages, updates, warnings, alerts, etc.  Got used to having it always on me.

[Calamity Jane]

We had a tornado hit here in 1974, but I didn't know what was going on. Dad was chain-smoking like crazy, he and mom were looking out the window constantly. I wanted to take a bath and got a resounding NO from both of them. All of a sudden, a loud clap of thunder, the skies went white and the power went out. A friend called me from town (we lived out in the sticks at this point) and asked me if we were all OK, that a tornado had just ripped through town. Now, I knew what was going on. Four people died. One elderly lady was found up in a tree, her body whipped up there when the trailer she lived in was demolished. All the way across town, her baby granddaughter was killed. One man survived by sitting in his bathtub... someone's Mustang came into his living room.

The editor of our local newspaper wrote: "We've never had a disaster like this, and we need help. We've never had to holler for help, but right now, I'm hollerin'. "

I remember riding into town the next day with my Dad, to survey the damage. We rounded a curve and I saw a mountain had been ripped open. Nothing but solid rock, all the trees and dirt were gone. A house where a friend lived was nothing but a shell (she and her family hid in the basement and were OK). Then we saw the hardest hit area... a friend of my Dad was permanently disabled, their mobile home was gone. An entire neighborhood disappeared.

I lived just outside Kansas City my first nine years, and have a life-long terror of thunderstorms/tornadoes as a result.  The last summer we lived there, we were in the basement every single night for a month because of tornado warnings.  The house two up from us had its chimney blasted by lightning.  You could always see tornado damage somewhere, it seemed.  So glad to live since 1965 where tornadoes don't happen, although I did have a part of my roof scooped off by a dirt devil a few years ago.  Served me right, I guess, for running all the way to the west coast to get away from wind storms.

[Lura]

Ladies, I happened to stumble across this thread, and  I don't think I've ever been as entertained online as I've been here today!  When you were talking about your houses and clutter, I felt like I'd met my true sisters!  LOL

 

I'm not a neat freak.  All I ask is just some semblance of order.  But my hopes for it fell when I married many moons ago.  I'll call my husband Flattop.  Little did I know that this spoiled only child made use of every flat surface in the house for his papers, brief case, keys, laundry, garden fertilizer, scissors, tools, slippers, and you name it. 

 

If a piece of furniture has a flat top, it's like an engraved invitation to him.  Dinner table, end tables, sofa, chairs, counters in the kitchen and the bathrooms, the floor, the top of the refrigerator, nothing is sacred.  When he comes to me and mumbles, "I can't find the car keys," do you think I help him look for them?  Get serious!  I snort and say a prayer that it will take him at least an hour to grub through his messes in search of them!  When the doorbell rings, I die a little.  Needless to say, we don't have guests often.  It takes too long to pick everything up.

 

Let this be a lesson for every bride.  LIVE with the guy first!  His apartment was always so nice and neat, but it must have taken him a week to get it that way.  Little did I know.  I love this flawed man, and I wouldn't trade him for all the tea in China.  He is truly incomparable, but his Flattop habit is a challenge.

Edited November 8, 2015 by Lura

[cooksdelight]

I took my little dog with me this weekend, stayed in a hotel... on the dog floor... everyone barking. LOL!!! Got home, he immediately started chasing the two cats, who seemed happy to see him. I am having something from the freezer for dinner, I am too tired to cook. :)

[zxy556575]

Lura, if it makes you feel any better, I hope if you're murdered in your home, the killer tosses the place so the police can't tell it used to be flattop cluttered. You're welcome.

 

I suppose it's getting close to New Year's so I should make a resolution about doing the dishes. I know -- KNOW! -- it would be just as easy to fill as I go, but for some reason I always dump my dirty dishes in the sink for 2-3 days until the pile gets high enough to fill the dishwasher, then transfer them all at once.

[walnutqueen]

I don't use my dishwasher, but I learned the hard way not to soak dishes for more than a week in this hard water - it destroys cutlery and leaves a horrible residue that's a bitch to remove.  :-)

[cooksdelight]

Do you know how hard it is to find a stainless steel mesh sink strainer??? The local grocery store used to sell them, I went to Lowe's... nothing but cheap plastic. Had to order them on Amazon.

My night begins now... RHoATL and 90-Day Fiance both right after the other. Girl.... pour some more wine.....

[One Tough Cookie]

Ladies, I happened to stumble across this thread, and  I don't think I've ever been as entertained online as I've been here today!  When you were talking about your houses and clutter, I felt like I'd met my true sisters!  LOL

 

I'm not a neat freak.  All I ask is just some semblance of order.  But my hopes for it fell when I married many moons ago.  I'll call my husband Flattop.  Little did I know that this spoiled only child made use of every flat surface in the house for his papers, brief case, keys, laundry, garden fertilizer, scissors, tools, slippers, and you name it. 

 

If a piece of furniture has a flat top, it's like an engraved invitation to him.  Dinner table, end tables, sofa, chairs, counters in the kitchen and the bathrooms, the floor, the top of the refrigerator, nothing is sacred.  When he comes to me and mumbles, "I can't find the car keys," do you think I help him look for them?  Get serious!  I snort and say a prayer that it will take him at least an hour to grub through his messes in search of them!  When the doorbell rings, I die a little.  Needless to say, we don't have guests often.  It takes too long to pick everything up.

 

Let this be a lesson for every bride.  LIVE with the guy first!  His apartment was always so nice and neat, but it must have taken him a week to get it that way.  Little did I know.  I love this flawed man, and I wouldn't trade him for all the tea in China.  He is truly incomparable, but his Flattop habit is a challenge.

 

{wiping away tears}  I am also married to Flat Top.  He's not comfortable unless EVERY FUCKING SURFACE IS COVERED WITH CRAP.  Which is not conducive to my mental health--I'm bi-polar and need CALM, clutter free surroundings.  It got so bad I almost moved out {something he denies to this day} until we reached a compromise:  My living area, kitchen, bedroom and TV room must be neat and orderly.  In return he was given the dining room and and a bedroom to trash to his heart's content.  I cannot go into the dining room to talk to him without getting anxious {seriously--where the fuck is my DINING ROM TABLE???} and have given up changing his sheets {he's a great guy but a SNORER, hence the separate rooms} because the entire room is covered with crap and clothing.  It didn't look that bad when our son slept there!

[walnutqueen]

Well, I must be responsible for all the clutter and crap around here, since I live alone, but my cat is definitely at fault for all the shit that goes flying to the floor when he runs like a manic through the house and over flat surfaces.  Also, the hairballs - I am definitely not the one hacking up those abominations!  :-)

[cooksdelight]

Walnutqueen, I am sure you are not alone in knowing that wonderful feeling of getting up in the middle of the night, walking toward the bathroom... and feeling that squish of cold cat hairball vomit under your bare feet??

I am awake at this ungodly hour on the east coast due to Seymour and Rudy deciding to have a fight, getting the dog involved, and not respecting my sleep time.

[cooksdelight]

LOL, sitting here texting with a friend about when my uncle was a baliff for Judge Wapner before he was on TV and Rusty was the baliff. HAHAHA!!!

[walnutqueen]

Walnutqueen, I am sure you are not alone in knowing that wonderful feeling of getting up in the middle of the night, walking toward the bathroom... and feeling that squish of cold cat hairball vomit under your bare feet??

I am awake at this ungodly hour on the east coast due to Seymour and Rudy deciding to have a fight, getting the dog involved, and not respecting my sleep time.

 

Oh, my floors are WAY too dirty for me to be walking barefoot.  But I just scraped a bunch of that vomitous goop off the sole of my flip-flop!   :-D

Edited November 10, 2015 by walnutqueen

[jenkait]

I've enjoyed reading this thread, about everyone, animals, and what people do or don't wear at home!  Let me add that I see nothing wrong with wearing nothing, but personally I can't stand that...  I wear socks in the summer because I don't even like bare feet, and a bra to bed!

 

Anyway, let me ask you guys something.  I get so mad when I watch Dateline or 48 Hours and it's SO OBVIOUS the guy did it, and their mom is like, "no way, not my son!  He's perfect!"  And you know what?  I know my mother would say the same thing, about one of my brothers.  When he got a DUI she said "Well, boys will be boys" (he was 31 at the time).  And I know other mothers who are the same, always blindly sticking up for their sons no matter what they do.  ...the thing is though, I notice a pattern.  I actually have TWO brothers.  The one who's married and lives in another city and has a normal life, my mom would have no problem throwing him under the bus.  The one she "protects" and puts on a pedestal lives his life like a loser (works sporadically, lived at home for 12 years, now always needs rent $$, etc).  It's like the more a son "needs" his mom, the more she puts him on a pedestal.  IT'S SO GROSS.

 

So here's the thing guys!  I'm pregnant with my first child (due in May!), and it's a boy.  Right now I presume he'll be an average human being with great things about him and also flaws, like anyone else.  I just can't see myself being like a "Dateline mom", acting like he's perfect.  Moms with sons, anyone??  HELP ME NOT TO BE A DATELINE MOM.

[JudyObscure]

I can't help you Jenkait.  I am the mother of a son, but he just happens to be perfect.

 

I can however, use my mother as an example.  She had two boys and a darling daughter, and favored the middle boy so much it became a family joke that even the golden boy has to laugh about.  In our case, he wasn't the loser one, he was Mr. Wonderful who checked all sort of glittering boxes.  Straight "A"s, Merit Scholarship, great job, million dollar house, beautiful wife.   My other brother and I didn't exactly achieve the sort of things she could brag about to her sister, it was more a case of how she could put the best spin on things like our divorces.

 

Favoritism is never cool, but I wouldn't worry about thinking your boy is perfect.  Everybody deserves someone in their life who sees them through rose colored glasses.  I don't mind the Dateline mothers, I just take what they  say with a giant grain of salt.    What I never understood was why married women are exempt from testifying against their husbands but not their sons. 

[biakbiak]

I also don't mind Dateline mothers because my mother would be the same in public even if in private she knew I was guilty.

I was once on a jury for a felony vandalism case with a hate crime enhancement and the defense called the defendent' s mother as a character witness to and when asked if she felt the crimes were racially and religiously motivated because she knew her daughter the mother responded "I want to believe she doesn't have hate in her heart but I don't recognize her anymore." When we were deliberating all of us agreed that it was stupid of the defense to call her and most of us believed that if one of our parents were called to testify in a similar fashion they would lie/obfuscate the truth to support us. Not saying it's right to perjury oneself just that most of us believed at least one of our parents probably would in a similar case (no individual one was physically harmed).

[Fable]

Unless the evidence was 100% irrefutable, I would stand behind my child.  I doubt I would say my child was perfect, but truth is, I would always support him/her over the law unless the law proved otherwise. Dateline mothers don't bother me.  I would rather have that than a mother who threw me to wolves at the first sign of trouble! 

[Lura]

I can however, use my mother as an example.  She had two boys and a darling daughter, and favored the middle boy so much it became a family joke that even the golden boy has to laugh about.

 

Judy Obscure, if you'd said that your mother favored her younger son, I'd have said we had the same mother!  I think she would defend me, but only after considering what the neighbors would think if she didn't.

Edited November 28, 2015 by Lura

[One Tough Cookie]

I don't mind the Dateline mothers, I just take what they  say with a giant grain of salt.

 

 

During the convict manhunt earlier this summer, David Sweat's mother was interviewed on TV.  She was crying and said "I just want to know what happened to my boy for him to be this way {or something to that effect}".  I felt enormous sympathy for her.

[zxy556575]

My mother and I became somewhat estranged when I was an adult and, had I taken a murderous turn, I'm honestly not sure if she would have publicly defended me. My guess is she would have, blood in the end being thicker than water. My dad likely would not since, post-sobriety, he prides himself on integrity and honesty.

 

I'm the younger of two sisters and it was kind of understood in the family, though left unspoken, that my mother and maternal grandmother favored me. There was nothing overt, but I was quiet, docile, and obedient while my sister was not. Decades later my grandmother was in mental decline and my sister and I flew in from out of state to close up her house and get her settled in a nursing home. When I walked into the room, my grandmother said, "I remember you! You were always my favorite!" My sister just rolled her eyes.

 

Grandma's next remark was, "You got fat!"

[cooksdelight]

A friend told me yesterday that her ex-husband wants to give up parental rights to their teenage daughter... so he won't have to help pay for her college education. If there was ever a candidate for murder, he's it.

And Lordonia, my grandmother was always telling me I was fat. Even though I was a size 6, and she sat there eating biscuits and gravy and wondering why her dresses wouldn't fit her anymore. I loved her, but she had that side to her that I didn't like at all.

[zxy556575]

A friend told me yesterday that her ex-husband wants to give up parental rights to their teenage daughter... so he won't have to help pay for her college education.

 

Goodness, I've never heard of such a thing. What's to stop deadbeat parents from relinquishing their rights in order to avoid child support, then?

 

And don't get me wrong, I did get fat.  ;)

[biakbiak]

Also, unless it's stipulated in his custody agreement he is not legally obligated to pay for her college education.

[cooksdelight]

The girl is a senior in high school, Mom has custody, and has been receiving child support. Now that she's of age to start college, Dad doesn't want to be a Dad anymore. It's all about money to him, the girl is totally devastated that her dad wants nothing to do with her.

Divorce agreement was that he'd pay for half of her education.

[JudyObscure]

What's with the older generation and fat?  I watch a lot of old 1940's movies on TCM and even the nicest characters think nothing of teasing the overweight people.  When my dad (age 86) was in his final nursing home, he said the nurses and aides didn't seem to like him too much.  I asked him if he told them all they were fat -- he said yes.

[cooksdelight]

I'm not fat, but I'm also not the athletic type. My ex-boyfriend bought me a membership to the local gym for my last Christmas present from him. I didn't ask for it, and I didn't use it. I walk at least 2 miles every day (in good weather) with my dog, so I have no interest in lifting weights or using equipment.

Notice I said he's an ex. :)

[A.Ham]

My mother, who is is the mild to moderate stages of dementia/Alzheimer's, is becoming... more interested in what others eat (mind you, she never thinks twice about wanting to eat the most fattening things). I guess that is her new "thing". I mean, she literally smacked a piece of chocolate trouffle out of my hand a few weeks ago. Also, at a birthday dinner for my brother she tried to refuse the toasty bread basket, and upon being unsuccessful, she kept side-eyeing everyone who took a piece and saying we would all get fat. We all just kept eating and laughing, and once the bread was done, she forgot about it. This coming from someone that wants me to buy her a tub of ice cream at the supermarket. I remember when she was still able to cook, her idea of a healthy food was to deep fry something in olive oil (as opposed to corn oil). She is just a walking contradiction.

[ari333]

I'm not fat, but I'm also not the athletic type. My ex-boyfriend bought me a membership to the local gym for my last Christmas present from him. I didn't ask for it, and I didn't use it. I walk at least 2 miles every day (in good weather) with my dog, so I have no interest in lifting weights or using equipment.

Notice I said he's an ex. :)

 

That seems super RUDE to me. I got that as a gift too from my family. I was like 20 pounds or so overweight at the time. Then I received a bunch of diet articles from the newspaper cut out and mailed to me. It ... ok .. I'll say it... it made me mad and frankly I ate more like .. IDK why.... spite? Even though I was spiting myself too in a way. but yeah, I recall eating MORE and being very angry.

 

Another horror present was an ex bf who thought I was fat... since he preferred stick women I guess. I am 5' 6" and I was a size 9. ... 137 lbs ish - NORMAL WEIGHT. He bought me clothes for my birthday that were a size 3.... on purpose. I kid you not.

I was also told that I don't, "walk right" that my feet turn out too much. Nothing like making someone feel totally self-conscious.

I took a lot of years of ballet. Don't know if that had anything to do with anything regarding my gait.

Edited November 29, 2015 by ari333

[cooksdelight]

Oh that sucks!!! He never bought me clothes, he knew better. But the gym membership was just one more nail in the coffin of our relationship. Other stuff he did paled in comparison. I was never so happy to get someone out of my life than I was a guy who lied to me about his financial situation, all the while promising me we'd have a home together soon. He just needed free mini-storage for all of his crap for 5 years.

[ari333]

Oh and the other "present" I got was that stepper exercise thing.

 

Also, I was 24 with fairly great skin. But I was told that I seriously needed to do neck exercises bc I had neck  wrinkles..... 24.... yrs... old...

[cooksdelight]

If a man told me that, I'd give him something more to worry about. In a heartbeat. I don't look my age. The older gentleman I am currently seeing tells me that all the time. I've had a guy 13 years younger than me say the same thing. Some men are just assholes, nothing you can do to change that. I felt a huge weight off my shoudlers when I ended that last relationship. I knew it was the right thing to do.

[ari333]

Here's one. Let's say I have dieted a couple of days in order to "save" up to enjoy a great special dinner out. Then when I reach for the bread, or some Ranch dressing or a glass of white wine there's the.... "do you really NEED that?" and "dressing has calories too.." and my favorite - "I'd rather eat my calories than DRINK them." Fun fun good times all around..... NOT. (this is family members not my bf)

Edited November 29, 2015 by ari333

[Tunia]

Harrumphhhhhh...sounds like the Christmas my EX-husband gave me a replacement globe for the patio light and a soft-cushioned toilet seat.  As cooks said, "Notice I said he was an ex".  Meanwhile, I had scrimped and saved to buy him a Puch moped.

 

The following year he asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told him I wanted a divorce.  Best present evahhhhh!

 

ETA:  OK, I admit we needed the globe light, but the toilet seat was awful.  It would give a fart-like "squish" whenever you sat on it, and I hated it enough to give it an early death with a lit cigarette.

Edited November 29, 2015 by Tunia

[cooksdelight]

I hated it enough to give it an early death with a lit cigarette.

HAHAHAHA!!!! I can think of a lot of things -- and people -- that would apply to in my lifetime. :)

I was telling someone the other day that the ex-BF went from his wife, to me, to his current girlfriend/fiance. Without a break. I told him that unless he changes some aspects of his personality, he won't have a successful marriage. He needs to spend a few years without an emotional attachment, to work on himself. But, not my problem now.

[zxy556575]

I started gaining weight in my late 30s -- the old metabolism slowed down but I kept eating the same way I always had. And 2-3 pounds a year? Adds up over 30 years! I'm always amazed at people my age who haven't gained weight, like, how did they DO that? Cared, I guess.

 

During the period when I first had to buy a bigger pants size (from a 6 to 8), I was out for dinner with my boyfriend. The bill came with two of those wrapped peppermint hard candies, and when I took one, my boyfriend grabbed it out of my hand. That was the end of our relationship, oh yes it was. So much control, judgment, shame, and degradation in that one little gesture.

 

To this day that still stands as one of the most monumental arguments of my life. Guy didn't know what hit him.

[cooksdelight]

Isn't it weird how you remember the one moment that defined where your relationship ended? When I got divorced, it was literally etched in stone. My ex was a habitual cheater, and he said "It had nothing to do with our marriage."

WHAT marriage? The guy was nuts to think we had a marriage at that point.

[Lura]

I'll give you a situation.  Will you give me your opinion?  Please?

 

A brilliant guy first asked me out when I was 14.  He was way  ahead of me in school, and I hadn't known  that he existed.  The only way he could get through college was on scholarships, and he wanted to be a lawyer.  Thus, he was a dedicated bookworm who took his studying more seriously than anyone I'd known.  He was valedictorian of his class, then earned full scholarships to Oberlin College (tough even to get in, let alone get a scholarship), and full scholarships to Case-Western Reserve Law School, Yale Law School, and Columbia University for his doctorate in law!He wrote seldom, but every college break he called, and we went out.  Eventually, I feel deeply in love with him.

 

During one point, he asked me to promise I would never leave him.  I promised.

 

Then, two years went by while he was earning his doctorate.  I moved to CA, and he was in NY.  As usual, there was no correspondence.  In the meantime, I began falling for a young man I'd dated all through college.  We were inseparable for 7 years.  Eventually, he proposed, and after several days of thinking about the entire situation, I said yes.

 

Three weeks before our wedding, I had a note from the lawyer.  He wanted me to join him on a picnic when he got home, and he wrote these words:  "I'd appreciate it if you would give serious thought to your future."  He had been so focused on his own future (with good reason), and this was the first time he'd asked about my future.  I took that to mean that he planned to propose.  This wasn't a casual note.  Nothing about him was casual.  He meant something by the request.  First question: What would you think?

 

I seriously thought about breaking my engagement, but with only three weeks before the wedding, I just couldn't do it.  I told him in my return note that I was getting married.  His mother told a friend of hers that he was devastated and that he swore he would never marry.  If I wasn't going to be his wife, he didn't want anyone else.

 

Fast forward many years.  He is now retired, lives in one place and has a summer home in another place, and has never married.  I can't help feeling that I'm responsible for his aloneness.  I can't shake this guilt.  If he'd asked me to marry him, I'd have jumped at the chance to say yes.  It was a case of being in love with two men at the same time.  Had I had any idea that I'd hear from him, I would never have gotten engaged.  As it was, I was anxious to move on with my life, be married, and have children.  I've had a successful marriage of many years, not a perfect one (but what marriage is?).  When I think about him, I STILL love him.  Second question:  How would you have interpreted what he asked of me in his note?  Was he about to propose or not? 

 

It's not my guilt I'm concerned about.  It's his motives -- what he had on his mind, if anything.  His words have haunted me for many years, but I have never told a single soul about this.  It must be the anonymity of this website that has brought it out.  Please give me your reaction as best you can. 

 

Thank you in advance for caring. Sorry about my long post, too.

 

 

[cooksdelight]

Do not feel guilty. You are not responsible for his life choices.

The ex BF I spoke about earlier wanted to call me a few weeks ago. First time I'd talked to him since I ended our relationship. He wanted to apologize for any pain he'd caused me, and said he was taking some type of course online to help him figure out where he's been and where he's going.

At first, I felt good that he'd finally admitted his mistakes and the way he'd treated me. Then.... I thought about how it was more of a self-serving thing for him, not for me. He wanted to get rid of his guilt, not make me feel better. Again... all about him.

I sent him an email with a question that I hadn't asked during our conversation. I never got a reply. Because there was no answer he could give me without admitting he was a total fuckup in relationships. And he will continue to be, with the woman he's engaged to.

So don't feel like the man never married because of you. He probably would never have married anyone because he has no concept of what a committed relationship is. If he wanted to propose to you, he'd have done so in the proper way. A cryptic note ain't cutting it. :)

[zxy556575]

So don't feel like the man never married because of you. He probably would never have married anyone because he has no concept of what a committed relationship is. If he wanted to propose to you, he'd have done so in the proper way. A cryptic note ain't cutting it. :)

 

I couldn't agree more. I don't know what to think about a man who believes he's in a committed relationship but can't quite find the time to call or write for weeks on end, but still, the burden was absolutely on him. It sounds like you didn't even know for sure if he was still interested.

 

As far as the note goes, he didn't say "our future" so I wouldn't have put much stock in that if it had been me.

 

In retrospect, I know I had for years imbued my first real love with more sentiment and meaning than it perhaps deserved.

Edited November 30, 2015 by lordonia

[ari333]

I'll give you a situation.  Will you give me your opinion?  Please?

 

A brilliant guy first asked me out when I was 14.  He was way  ahead of me in school, and I hadn't known  that he existed.  The only way he could get through college was on scholarships, and he wanted to be a lawyer.  Thus, he was a dedicated bookworm who took his studying more seriously than anyone I'd known.  He was valedictorian of his class, then earned full scholarships to Oberlin College (tough even to get in, let alone get a scholarship), and full scholarships to Case-Western Reserve Law School, Yale Law School, and Columbia University for his doctorate in law!He wrote seldom, but every college break he called, and we went out.  Eventually, I feel deeply in love with him.

 

During one point, he asked me to promise I would never leave him.  I promised.

 

Then, two years went by while he was earning his doctorate.  I moved to CA, and he was in NY.  As usual, there was no correspondence.  In the meantime, I began falling for a young man I'd dated all through college.  We were inseparable for 7 years.  Eventually, he proposed, and after several days of thinking about the entire situation, I said yes.

 

Three weeks before our wedding, I had a note from the lawyer.  He wanted me to join him on a picnic when he got home, and he wrote these words:  "I'd appreciate it if you would give serious thought to your future."  He had been so focused on his own future (with good reason), and this was the first time he'd asked about my future.  I took that to mean that he planned to propose.  This wasn't a casual note.  Nothing about him was casual.  He meant something by the request.  First question: What would you think?

 

I seriously thought about breaking my engagement, but with only three weeks before the wedding, I just couldn't do it.  I told him in my return note that I was getting married.  His mother told a friend of hers that he was devastated and that he swore he would never marry.  If I wasn't going to be his wife, he didn't want anyone else.

 

Fast forward many years.  He is now retired, lives in one place and has a summer home in another place, and has never married.  I can't help feeling that I'm responsible for his aloneness.  I can't shake this guilt.  If he'd asked me to marry him, I'd have jumped at the chance to say yes.  It was a case of being in love with two men at the same time.  Had I had any idea that I'd hear from him, I would never have gotten engaged.  As it was, I was anxious to move on with my life, be married, and have children.  I've had a successful marriage of many years, not a perfect one (but what marriage is?).  When I think about him, I STILL love him.  Second question:  How would you have interpreted what he asked of me in his note?  Was he about to propose or not? 

 

It's not my guilt I'm concerned about.  It's his motives -- what he had on his mind, if anything.  His words have haunted me for many years, but I have never told a single soul about this.  It must be the anonymity of this website that has brought it out.  Please give me your reaction as best you can. 

 

Thank you in advance for caring. Sorry about my long post, too.

 

Do not feel guilty. It is HIS issue and his wording was way off imo. I think he did not want you to marry the other guy, but he was not asking to marry either at that time. He wanted you to wait for .... however long.... when HE was ready. That note was not a proposal. It was a "wait for me" note. How long would the wait have been? if ever. You are not a mind reader and shouldn't have to be where life changes are concerned. His issue, not yours. imo 

Edited November 30, 2015 by ari333

[saber5055]

Okay, you asked. Here are my thoughts.

Three weeks before our wedding, I had a note from the lawyer.  He wanted me to join him on a picnic when he got home, and he wrote these words:  "I'd appreciate it if you would give serious thought to your future."  He had been so focused on his own future (with good reason), and this was the first time he'd asked about my future.  I took that to mean that he planned to propose.  This wasn't a casual note.  Nothing about him was casual.  He meant something by the request.  First question: What would you think?

I seriously thought about breaking my engagement, but with only three weeks before the wedding, I just couldn't do it.  I told him in my return note that I was getting married.  His mother told a friend of hers that he was devastated and that he swore he would never marry.  If I wasn't going to be his wife, he didn't want anyone else.

 

While I do not know if you two had a physical or loving give-and-take relationship, there is no reason for ANY person, regardless of HOW busy they are, to not stay in touch with a phone call, a letter, a note, a post card for pete's sake. If someone really cares about someone, they stay in touch somehow, some way. This guy did not. This is especially harsh if you were attached physically as well as mentally to this guy.

 

He concentrated solely on himself, then told you to "think seriously about YOUR future." To me, that means he thought of you as a slacker who had better catch up with him mentally and professionally. JMHO, of course, but that's how it reads to me. I suspect you know that deep down, or your emphasis on his education and universities wouldn't have been mentioned.

 

This guy was never going to get married, to you or to anyone else. No one is good enough for him, he's a cold fish, a very self-important one. You gave him the perfect out, by "breaking his heart." He wanted no one besides you? I call BS on that. He wanted only himself, and maybe what you could do for him as that Stepford GIRLFRIEND, because he was never going to marry you. Harsh, maybe, but again, JMHO. And "lawyer" is just a job, like any other profession. Don't put him on a pedestal for it. I know plenty of jerks who are lawyers.

 

If he was a real gentleman and really cared about you, he would have sent a great gift as a wedding present, and a private note wishing you all the best in your new life. OR: He would have done a Benjamin Braddock and stopped the wedding to profess his love for you. I'm guessing none of that happened.

 

I feel badly for you carrying guilt when it's his problem, not yours. You obviously have kept track of him. How about picking up the phone, or going to see him in person, and getting closure once and for all? It's way past time. Don't be afraid to tell it like it is. Of course, being a lawyer, he will enjoy continuing to manipulate you, so there's that to consider.

 

Good luck on you, and thanks for sharing your story.

[JudyObscure]

Lura, I'm glad you escaped this man:  Red flag number one: a smart senior fixates on a 14 year-old girl he's never even talked to.  Red  flag number two:  he completely forgets about her for huge stretches of time, but asks her for a promise to be faithful to him.  Red-flag number three: he has never married. 

 

I've known someone like this and the truth is he never really wanted a steady woman in his life.  Ever.  What he wanted was to be able to tell people who tried to fix him up that he already had someone waiting back home.  He didn't have the emotional stuff for a real relationship so he kept this woman as a fantasy creature he could use to explain his lack of commitment to anyone and, most importantly, he could tell  himself that she was the reason he was alone. 

 

I'd bet a lot of money he has an extremely active sex-life going on with the internet. There are far more autosexuals than we know, and while they might have a fling with a three dimensional woman once in while, they happily return to the flawless, undemanding ones. If you had married him you would probably be sitting alone in one of those houses when he called and said  he was going to be  too busy to do Christmas again this year.  Or maybe he would be in his locked den, "working."

[zxy556575]

What do you guys think about Ethan Crouch taking off? Did he ever serve his "unspecified" amount of time in a mental health facility?

 

I guess his mother is taking Alex Kelly's parents as her role models, if she really is on the run with him.