Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[Scarlett45]

9 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

I've said this before, so apologies to all the regulars here who may remember. But at our age, even though in some ways dating older isn't as big of a deal (our brains have been fully formed for many years), it can be more complicated dating older. I haven't ruled out having kids, but I'm not really pushing it hard either. I'd rather have a calm life than rush into something or have kids with someone I can't stand just because of my age. But if I don't have kids, that means I want a man around my age that much more so I have someone to grow old with. Women already outlive men by around five years. Make a man around 15 years or so older than you, and more than likely you'll be a young widow. 

Some women may not mind this, but I've already spent so many years alone and have such a small family. I want people to love, and making friends past college is also easier said than done.

That makes sense. Are you open to guys who may have young kids (under 10) but may not want any more?

We are in a difficult age for dating- we haven’t hit the “second act” phase of our romantic life yet, and for women our reproductive window is closing. (And for most men it is too, it’s a rare guy who wants to be a first time Dad at 45)

My ideal person is a guy my age who’s also childfree and on the same career path with disposable income (not in the same industry per se, but views his career the same way). I wouldn’t want long distance like my cousin because it’s logistically more difficult arranging care for my dog and weekend care for my sister. 
 

I am lucky that I feel I have a strong social network, and I am valued and included but sweet baby Jesus after dealing with all of my caregiving responsibilities I am NOT adjusting myself for your child (sometimes okay, most of the time no). My me time is ME time, not me, you and your baby time.

 

[RealHousewife]

1 hour ago, Scarlett45 said:

That makes sense. Are you open to guys who may have young kids (under 10) but may not want any more?

We are in a difficult age for dating- we haven’t hit the “second act” phase of our romantic life yet, and for women our reproductive window is closing. (And for most men it is too, it’s a rare guy who wants to be a first time Dad at 45)

My ideal person is a guy my age who’s also childfree and on the same career path with disposable income (not in the same industry per se, but views his career the same way). I wouldn’t want long distance like my cousin because it’s logistically more difficult arranging care for my dog and weekend care for my sister. 
 

I am lucky that I feel I have a strong social network, and I am valued and included but sweet baby Jesus after dealing with all of my caregiving responsibilities I am NOT adjusting myself for your child (sometimes okay, most of the time no). My me time is ME time, not me, you and your baby time.

 

No. To be honest, that is something I can easily find. I meet a lot of divorced men with young kids. My concern isn’t growing alone at this point. I know a companion isn’t difficult to find for any of us. There is always someone if you just want company. Dating a single dad of young kids who doesn’t want any more kids is nothing but cons for me. I’ve seen those “reasons to date a single dad” lists, and none of it has swayed me. I’m sure many single dads are wonderful men and have learned a lot from fatherhood, but there is no denying it’s complicated at the very least. I’ve seen what stepparents I know go through, and while blended families can be full of love and beautiful, it’s often a thankless job. 

I don’t blame you. I didn’t have a great childhood or even greatest young adult life. I always felt like having kids would rob me of finally getting to live and have fun. I totally get the appeal of the childfree life. Children are a lot of work. It’s part of why I don’t want to date a father of young kids, if he doesn’t want any more. It’s a lot of time. It’s a lot of money. You have to really want it, and if your life is already full of people to love, the childfree life becomes even more appealing. 

[JTMacc99]

1 hour ago, Scarlett45 said:

but sweet baby Jesus after dealing with all of my caregiving responsibilities I am NOT adjusting myself for your child

This resonates with me and I'm sure with everybody else who has lived some life and has dealt with genuinely difficult situations. 

Substantial amounts of your time and emotions put in a caregiving situation. It makes all the sense in the world that the last thing you want to do right now is to take on a relationship that has any component of more caregiving. 

I have more than one friend who married somebody with the awful narcissistic personality disorder. Even after divorce, the ex continues to try to make them miserable at every opportunity. Those friends are extremely hesitant to get married again. They've found significant others, but marriage scares the crap out of them.

As for me, I married somebody who suffers from depression. After that ended I got like a couple years before my state locked my kids in their rooms for 18 months. I got another round of depression complete with trips to the pediatric psychiatric emergency room for both of them, thousands of dollars of therapy, and the delightful job of trying to get them back on track.  

So when I got together with my old friends in April, one of them asked me as the only single person in the group how dating is going for me. My answer was, the last thing I want right now is another set of feelings I need to worry about in my life. 

Someday, I get over it, but that day is not today. And for sure, when that day comes, the second I get a whiff of any of the behaviors that come with depression, I'm out of there.

[Scarlett45]

44 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

Someday, I get over it, but that day is not today. And for sure, when that day comes, the second I get a whiff of any of the behaviors that come with depression, I'm out of there.

I met a good friend through a now defunct childfree meet up- she has severe depression and some paranoia. She is now unable to work- her only responsibilities are the housework, cooking and taking care of the cats. I thank the gods she has the husband that she has because she would be screwed without him. (Her family of origin is quite toxic and it was an abusive situation). 

She is my friend and I enjoy her company, but she’s not well enough for the type of interaction I’d like to have (which is fine, I can meet her on her level). 

I do believe that marriage means “for sickness and in health”; so yes her husband is pulling his weight as a partner, but I feel for him. I absolutely have the utmost respect for both of them knowing that they could not parent anyone and choosing to be childfree. 
 

Dealing with my Mom’s feelings is a lot as she’s entered retirement, buried most of her friends and adjusting to that- and she is my favorite being who gave me life, and it’s a part time job! 
 

My ideal person would hang out with me Wednesday nights/Saturdays, accompany me on trips (you don’t have to be able to afford to pay for me, but you have to be able to afford to pay for YOU) and tell me I am gorgeous and give me foot rubs. Oh loves dogs and cats, and the MCU. 

[RealHousewife]

58 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

As for me, I married somebody who suffers from depression. After that ended I got like a couple years before my state locked my kids in their rooms for 18 months. I got another round of depression complete with trips to the pediatric psychiatric emergency room for both of them, thousands of dollars of therapy, and the delightful job of trying to get them back on track.  

So when I got together with my old friends in April, one of them asked me as the only single person in the group how dating is going for me. My answer was, the last thing I want right now is another set of feelings I need to worry about in my life. 

Someday, I get over it, but that day is not today. And for sure, when that day comes, the second I get a whiff of any of the behaviors that come with depression, I'm out of there.

I hear you. I've struggled with anxiety since I was a child and didn't even know what it was. I've also struggled with depression. When I was 24, my own thoughts scared me because I was so miserable and didn't want to be here. It's still something I work on, but I do function pretty well. I work. I don't create drama. I look for the bright side. I like to laugh. I can only handle a depressive if they're kind of like me. Growing up with a parent who had mental health episodes where I was very scared, I just can't handle it. I'd rather be alone. That doesn't mean I won't stand by my partner in sickness and health, but if I see a guy is already in the kind of shape where they need a caretaker and you have to constantly worry about them, it's not for me.

My sister's boyfriend is a depressive. If there is a fight, she worries what he might do. When he is down, he is down. He'll casually bring up harming himself. He hasn't worked in many years, but he manages to do everything else just fine. I cannot tell if he legitimately can't work or laziness is a component. He's on antidepressants and goes to therapy, all of that stuff. I think sadly he will always struggle, and so will anyone who loves him.

[JTMacc99]

48 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

I do believe that marriage means “for sickness and in health”

It most certainly should be this way. My parents were married for over 50 years and the last 5-6 he cared for her as dementia took her from him. I would do the same and expect the same for me. 

What I was posting about was mostly that I totally understand anybody who sees a situation with a potential partner and thinks, "I'm up for a relationship that sticks together in sickness and in health, but I'm gonna pass on this getting into this relationship. I'm done with that sickness." Or in your case, signing up for another ten years of caregiving that comes with young children.

 

[Scarlett45]

6 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

It most certainly should be this way. My parents were married for over 50 years and the last 5-6 he cared for her as dementia took her from him. I would do the same and expect the same for me. 

What I was posting about was mostly that I totally understand anybody who sees a situation with a potential partner and thinks, "I'm up for a relationship that sticks together in sickness and in health, but I'm gonna pass on this getting into this relationship. I'm done with that sickness." Or in your case, signing up for another ten years of caregiving that comes with young children.

 

Yup we are in agreement! That’s what I was trying to say as well, getting into a relationship knowing that the other person is going to need consistent physical or financial caretaking for the next several decades is a huge commitment. Not everyone is up for that (raises hand). 

[Lantern7]

I'm a nice guy. Minimum, I like to think I'm nice. But there always comes a time where you might not be as nice as you'd think. And I know "I'm a nice guy" is something assholes might say.

[StatisticalOutlier]

12 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

I'm a nice guy. Minimum, I like to think I'm nice. But there always comes a time where you might not be as nice as you'd think. And I know "I'm a nice guy" is something assholes might say.

Simple solution:  "I identify as a nice guy."  Q.E.D.

[oliviabenson]

What apps do you all recommend?

[theredhead77]

12 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

What apps do you all recommend?

What apps were you using when you were sharing those crazy stories? That will help people not recommend what you already tried and decided wasn't for you.

Edited July 1, 2023 by theredhead77

[RealHousewife]

15 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

What apps were you using when you were sharing those crazy stories? That will help people not recommend what you already tried and decided wasn't for you.

Was going to say the same thing Olivia. I wouldn't retry the ones you've encountered all those crazy guys. I know we have both dealt with a lot of weirdos in different ways, but there really are a lot of nice men on dating apps. 

[oliviabenson]

1 hour ago, theredhead77 said:

What apps were you using when you were sharing those crazy stories? That will help people not recommend what you already tried and decided wasn't for you.

Hinge and tagged

[oliviabenson]

1 hour ago, RealHousewife said:

Was going to say the same thing Olivia. I wouldn't retry the ones you've encountered all those crazy guys. I know we have both dealt with a lot of weirdos in different ways, but there really are a lot of nice men on dating apps. 

Still searching lol

[RealHousewife]

Just now, oliviabenson said:

Still searching lol

Same! lol 

Fellas on here, or anyone who wants to chime in . . .

I'll occasionally get guys who come on to me after talking about other women in all sorts of graphic ways, their sex lives with them, etc. When men talk like this, first of all, I don't think it's cute. Do men really think women will find it charming? Secondly, I'm lead to believe they see me as one of the guys. Why do these guys think I'll be flattered I'm one of many women they want to fuck? I do NOT put out the vibe I want to be an object. I do not engage in "locker room" type of talk. 

The recent guy who seems to like me has complained about women he's dated in the past all being the same person and all cheating on him. He said he wants something meaningful but can't seem to find it. I mentioned to him some of the stuff he says might scare some women away. 

My theory is that the women who think all his sex, tits, and ass commentary is funny don't mind because perhaps they're after men for their bodies and what they can do as well. I don't care if people just want relationships for sex. Matter of fact, I'm open to it. Even then, I like men who are mature and respectful. 

[oliviabenson]

I met a lady a few days ago. Within 20 minutes I knew all about her fertility issues and her sex life. Ma’am I do not need to know what kind of sex acts your husband begs you for. 

[RealHousewife]

2 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

I met a lady a few days ago. Within 20 minutes I knew all about her fertility issues and her sex life. Ma’am I do not need to know what kind of sex acts your husband begs you for. 

Me neither. TMI!

[supposebly]

1 hour ago, RealHousewife said:

He said he wants something meaningful but can't seem to find it.

That's just funny. If all he talks about is women's ass and tits, maybe, he should bring something meaningful to the table?

Just a thought. He doesn't seem to recognize the irony.

[RealHousewife]

20 minutes ago, supposebly said:

That's just funny. If all he talks about is women's ass and tits, maybe, he should bring something meaningful to the table?

Just a thought. He doesn't seem to recognize the irony.

Thank you! MTE. 

[oliviabenson]

17 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Thank you! MTE. 

What’s MTE?

[RealHousewife]

59 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

What’s MTE?

My thoughts exactly 

[Lantern7]

On 7/1/2023 at 2:27 PM, oliviabenson said:

I met a lady a few days ago. Within 20 minutes I knew all about her fertility issues and her sex life. Ma’am I do not need to know what kind of sex acts your husband begs you for. 

Why do you think that people just volunteer all this information straight-up to you? No one does that to me . . . though, once again, I don't get out much.

I'm not sure what other avenues to take, dating-wise. I did a group-date at a comic con ages ago, but no one responded back to me.

[oliviabenson]

15 minutes ago, Lantern7 said:

Why do you think that people just volunteer all this information straight-up to you? No one does that to me . . . though, once again, I don't get out much.

I'm not sure what other avenues to take, dating-wise. I did a group-date at a comic con ages ago, but no one responded back to me.

I have no idea why she shared all that. You’d be surprised what people share haha. I don’t need to know all that about her sex life. 

[supposebly]

2 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

Why do you think that people just volunteer all this information straight-up to you?

Some people have no filter and will volunteer all kinds of things to strangers. I find this happening especially when traveling. It's possible it's just easer to do that with strangers since you'll never see them again.

Or they have kept it inside for such a long time, the first somewhat friendly face will open those floodgates. 

[JTMacc99]

22 hours ago, supposebly said:

the first somewhat friendly face

I try to go with a neutral face, which usually keeps people from trying to talk to me. 

[Guest]

6 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

I try to go with a neutral face, which usually keeps people from trying to talk to me. 

Natural resting bitch face works for me.

[Browncoat]

2 hours ago, Silent Scream said:

Natural resting bitch face works for me.

Same here.

[theredhead77]

3 hours ago, Silent Scream said:

Natural resting bitch face works for me.

 

1 hour ago, Browncoat said:

Same here.

Same. It works so well that I've never had anyone approach me in the grocery store, Home Depot, or any of the stereotypical "go to this place to meet someone" places, which is just how I like it.

[RealHousewife]

So I actually did get approached a lot at the grocery store when I wore face masks. It got me wondering if guys liked my body but not my face! lol I also wondered if they approached more at random places because bars and clubs were shut down due to the pandemic.

Now I wonder if perhaps I looked more approachable with my resting bitch face covered!

[theredhead77]

I guess I exude "resting bitch posture" or "leave me the fuck alone" aura. I can doubley say I was never approached while wearing a mask and hiding my resting bitch face. Which is good because I don't want to talk to strangers on a good day, let alone in the middle of a super contagious pandemic. I'd tell any dude who tried to hit on me in the middle of that to fuck off. Poor judgement. 

Sorry I can't relate, other than online, I don't know any women who have been approached by men for social interactions while out shopping or generally existing in public. 

[Bastet]

I loathe the term RBF; I'm beyond sick of practically everything negative (or incorrectly regarded as negative) being given a name that references women when gender is completely irrelevant to the thing being described. It's even worse when that reference is via a gender slur.

My dad, my mom, and I all have mouths that turn down at the corners.  Guess which one of us is allowed to simply walk around with their natural face and which two of us get told to smile.  Go ahead, I'll wait.

Edited July 4, 2023 by Bastet

[RealHousewife]

3 minutes ago, Bastet said:

I loathe the term RBF; I'm beyond sick of everything negative being given a name that references women when gender is completely irrelevant to thing being described.

My dad, my mom, and I all have mouths that turn down at the corners.  Guess which one of us is allowed to simply walk around with their natural face and which two of us get told to smile.  Go ahead, I'll wait.

You're absolutely right that men aren't expected to constantly smile. I've been told to smile right after I've experienced trauma multiple times. You just lost a relative? Smile. You were just assaulted? Smile. It's such bullshit. I don't know about you all, but it's not always men who tell me to smile either. 

It can be tricky not giving in to the misogynistic lingo everyone uses. I do know of men who say they have "RBF" as well. I'm guilty of using the term, but I try to be mindful of some stuff. For example, I never use p***y as a putdown. 

17 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

I guess I exude "resting bitch posture" or "leave me the fuck alone" aura. I can doubley say I was never approached while wearing a mask and hiding my resting bitch face. Which is good because I don't want to talk to strangers on a good day, let alone in the middle of a super contagious pandemic. I'd tell any dude who tried to hit on me in the middle of that to fuck off. Poor judgement. 

Sorry I can't relate, other than online, I don't know any women who have been approached by men for social interactions while out shopping or generally existing in public. 

Sometimes they'd pull their face masks down too, and I'd step back. I didn't play around when it came to covid. 

[theredhead77]

47 minutes ago, Bastet said:

I loathe the term RBF; I'm beyond sick of everything negative being given a name that references women when gender is completely irrelevant to thing being described.

You're right, I'm sorry. I should have said I seem to exude a "leave me alone" aura.

[oliviabenson]

I get approached a lot to be asked where something is in the store lol. Maybe I look approachable?

 

[SoMuchTV]

1 hour ago, oliviabenson said:

I get approached a lot to be asked where something is in the store lol. Maybe I look approachable?

Are you wearing a red shirt, and shopping in Target?  I made that mistake once, lol. 

[oliviabenson]

39 minutes ago, SoMuchTV said:

Are you wearing a red shirt, and shopping in Target?  I made that mistake once, lol. 

No. I only wear black tops.

[RealHousewife]

How important is humor to all of you?

A lot of people (especially women) say funny is something they look for. I've noticed I'm often attracted to funny men, but I'm not sure it's a must. As much as I like to be around people who make me laugh, funny people can be obnoxious. There's looking for the funny side and wanting to bring joy from your jokes, and there's being incapable of having a serious conversation, always going for the joke even if it can be hurtful, be crude, make others uncomfortable, etc.

[Lisa418722]

1 hour ago, RealHousewife said:

How important is humor to all of you?

A lot of people (especially women) say funny is something they look for. I've noticed I'm often attracted to funny men, but I'm not sure it's a must. As much as I like to be around people who make me laugh, funny people can be obnoxious. There's looking for the funny side and wanting to bring joy from your jokes, and there's being incapable of having a serious conversation, always going for the joke even if it can be hurtful, be crude, make others uncomfortable, etc.

Years ago I was at church and before the offering, the guy saying the prayer (who was a major weirdo) said women need to be careful what they ask for. He said women want an athletic man who could make them laugh.  He said, "That could be a rodeo clown" (hey, I told you he was weird).  Then when he walked past me he said "I could picture you with a rodeo clown."  My first thought was, "Just don't picture me with you."  

To this day I don't understand why he thought talking about women looking for athletic men who could make them laugh was appropriate for an offering prayer.  

Edited July 7, 2023 by Lisa418722

[supposebly]

Humor is important. I like self-deprecating humor unless it's a Chandleresque need to cover up insecurities. Making fun of other people in public, not so funny.

There is always a time and a place.

[Carolinagirl702]

IMO humor is good, you want someone who will make you laugh and share small jokes with each other.

Side note I have a question, does anyone know how to get this topic saved on your saved topics list when you log in?

I've got my guilty pleasure reality shows front and center to click quickly for good trash talking but since this isn't a show it's not showing up 😞

[SoMuchTV]

10 hours ago, Carolinagirl702 said:

IMO humor is good, you want someone who will make you laugh and share small jokes with each other.

Side note I have a question, does anyone know how to get this topic saved on your saved topics list when you log in?

I've got my guilty pleasure reality shows front and center to click quickly for good trash talking but since this isn't a show it's not showing up 😞

I just follow the forum this topic is in ("Everything Else") and it shows up on my home page (near the bottom).  That works for me because there are several other topics within this forum that I'm interested in, so I can just check once in a while and see if any of them have unread posts.

Alternatively, you could follow this specific topic "with notifications" and get notified when something new is posted.

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 7/4/2023 at 11:44 AM, SoMuchTV said:

Are you wearing a red shirt, and shopping in Target?  I made that mistake once, lol. 

Me too!

And at H-E-B grocery store once--I happened to be wearing their uniform, a light blue button-down shirt and navy blue chinos, and a woman came up and was asking me where something was.  She was super apologetic when she realized I wasn't an employee BUT it turned out I'd just seen whatever it was she was looking for so I knew the answer.

I came up in the days of disco and singles bars, and also used to hang out at country western dance halls, and almost never got asked to dance by strangers.  I remember one guy who started calling me "Solemn."  😀

But people wanting directions?  I was always the person they'd pick out of a crowd, and it became a joke because I was usually a tourist too but almost always knew the answer anyway.  Whenever I couldn't answer somebody's question I'd be so disappointed in myself and Mr. Outlier would remind me I don't live there. 

Given my unapproachable nature in mating venues, I've been trying to think of where I've met men just by being out and about.  Once I got to talking to a guy in a bookstore, and we went out to dinner a couple of nights later.  I lived in another town so it didn't go anywhere but it still amazes me that it happened.

I also met a guy at a movie--we were the only two people in the audience and he sat in the back of the theater and as I came up the aisle after the credits, he asked me what I thought about it.  It was some art film, so just by being there we had something in common.  We ended up talking in the lobby for like an hour, and became friends. 

But the "best" one was back in the 90s, when Austin was still a small liberal city.  I was at Scholz Garden (historic German beer hall place popular with UT people and government employees) waiting for a date (I wouldn't normally go alone) and got to talking to this random guy who was also alone.  We went out dancing the next Saturday at the Broken Spoke, another Austin institution.  And he was telling me how he hangs out at Les Amis, a cafe next to UT where people would sit around and have philosophical discussions or read books or go wild.  It's featured in the movie Slacker. 

After dancing, we went back to my apartment and were talking and somehow the Holocaust came up and he was saying some strange stuff about it and I countered that I'd been to Dachau and had seen the gas chambers and he said, stridently, "You saw showers."  It was long before Holocaust denial was made easy via the internet--people had to seek that shit out. 

I told him it was time for him to leave and never saw him again, and just thought, "Boy, if the people at Les Amis knew this is what you're like..."

At least he revealed his character early, but I like to think online dating would have weeded him out.

But speaking of, when Mr. Outlier and I met online 25 years ago, it was a novelty and actually a little bit embarrassing to admit.  These days it's obviously not a novelty but the whole landscape has turned into something that is so different from what I experienced it's like it's not even the same thing. 

You had to be savvy enough to be on the internet in the first place, and then figure out that dating sites even existed and be willing to be doing something only a very few people were doing, and then how to work the site, and possibly scan and upload a photo, which I think for me involved a trip to Kinko's and a floppy.  But that effort was worth it--it was much kinder and gentler place than it is now.

So I'm thinking of adding "back in the dial-up days" when someone asks how we met because I don't think I would survive online dating the way it is these days.

[RealHousewife]

You guys, the man I vented about above is showing me more interest. I'd figure he'd find me attractive because he finds so many women attractive. 

We were discussing what I look for, and I mentioned some of the stuff I do here as far as age range, the possibility of having kids, etc. He mentioned that what I was looking for ruled him out then, and he sounded sad about it. He's a older than me, has had kids, and also had a vasectomy. 

Do I attract guys like this because I work with so many dudes and it's bound to happen? Why do these grown men (older than me) think I'll find the way they talk about women and sex is mature or charming? I try to be very professional when I'm at work. People are stunned if they even hear me use a mild curse word. I try to talk about men in a respectful manner, and not that there's much to say, but I'm not the type to dish hook-ups or anything. 

Universe, please send me kind, respectful men who don't just see me as a piece of ass. 

[Scarlett45]

I saw a hot guy with a gorgeous black bernadoodle on my evening walk-I made a beeline.

 

He has a girlfriend and it’s her dog (why I didn’t recognize it). But he’s seen me and Cosmo(my dog- photo below) for those that don’t know me from other threads.

Next month I’m getting back on apps. Setting my range 35-50 at my cousin’s (who’s 55) suggestion, I’m 37 and childfree.

My dog Cosmo for those who don’t know him- we get lots of attention. 

 

 

You know when I start being motivated to move faster at the sight of men it's desperate times!

[Scarlett45]

2 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

You guys, the man I vented about above is showing me more interest. I'd figure he'd find me attractive because he finds so many women attractive. 

We were discussing what I look for, and I mentioned some of the stuff I do here as far as age range, the possibility of having kids, etc. He mentioned that what I was looking for ruled him out then, and he sounded sad about it. He's a older than me, has had kids, and also had a vasectomy. 

Do I attract guys like this because I work with so many dudes and it's bound to happen? Why do these grown men (older than me) think I'll find the way they talk about women and sex is mature or charming? I try to be very professional when I'm at work. People are stunned if they even hear me use a mild curse word. I try to talk about men in a respectful manner, and not that there's much to say, but I'm not the type to dish hook-ups or anything. 

Universe, please send me kind, respectful men who don't just see me as a piece of ass. 

It’s not you. Rude ass dudes will always TRY IT. There are kind respectful men out there, they just aren’t as “loud” as the rude ones. 

[StatisticalOutlier]

1 hour ago, Scarlett45 said:

Setting my range 35-50 at my cousin’s (who’s 55) suggestion, I’m 37 and childfree.

Since this was your cousin's suggestion and not your own preference, what's the reasoning behind it?

[Scarlett45]

1 minute ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

Since this was your cousin's suggestion and not your own preference, what's the reasoning behind it?

My cousin suggested I go older because I am childfree, older will given me men who may have kids, but are less likely to have LITTLE KIDS(and more likely to be done having children). Also older men are more likely to be decidedly childfree.

I used to set my range four years in either direction, which I can admit puts me in prime baby/toddler/little kid demographics. (The last place I need to be)

 

Im not against older guys, I just haven’t dated any (at the most 5yrs, and then I was 22) and I’ve never particularly sought out older men. 

[RealHousewife]

1 hour ago, Scarlett45 said:

It’s not you. Rude ass dudes will always TRY IT. There are kind respectful men out there, they just aren’t as “loud” as the rude ones. 

You're right. Thank you Scarlett. People our age (and now gen z) get the rep for being perpetually offended. I don't want to be that person constantly going on feminist rants. The truth is I really don't even get offended super easily. As long as you don't put your hands on me, I try to ignore locker room talk or whatever. (There are limits of course.) I'm the type to try to get along and be friends with everyone until they cross major lines. (Then they're dead to me.) Even though I wouldn't date this person, I see good in him. But when these same guys will talk like that and think they'll have a shot with me, I'm floored. I can be insecure about many things about myself, but I have enough self-esteem to feel worthy of respect. Negging doesn't work on me either. 

[Bastet]

3 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

I don't want to be that person constantly going on feminist rants.

If you don't want to respond, groovy, but there's always the consideration of perpetuating the problem.  We live in a society that is - by explicit design and then passively aided by discriminatory stereotypes -  racist, sexist, homophobic, ableist, etc., so pointing out any of the pervasive instances of that bigotry isn't a "rant" to be avoided, it's a necessary response.  If under the circumstances you're not up for doing so in a particular scenario, though, it's exponentially more on the perpetrators than you.  But it's important to speak out, on our own behalf or for those of other marginalized groups, when we feel comfortable doing so.

[RealHousewife]

14 hours ago, Bastet said:

If you don't want to respond, groovy, but there's always the consideration of perpetuating the problem.  We live in a society that is - by explicit design and then passively aided by discriminatory stereotypes -  racist, sexist, homophobic, ableist, etc., so pointing out any of the pervasive instances of that bigotry isn't a "rant" to be avoided, it's a necessary response.  If under the circumstances you're not up for doing so in a particular scenario, though, it's exponentially more on the perpetrators than you.  But it's important to speak out, on our own behalf or for those of other marginalized groups, when we feel comfortable doing so.

I know what you mean. If you work where I have, it would be a ton of "hey, not cool" proceeded by a long conversation that takes a lot of time away from work. That's part of why I try to pick my battles when it comes to how the men speak about women. (Luckily one of the guys who used to be bad is gone. He almost got fired once over some stuff he said but eventually just found another job.)

I've tried explaining to the man I mentioned above how it can come across that women are nothing but T&A to him sometimes, and he said that's not true, he just really likes the female form. I think women are beautiful myself, and I know heterosexual men are particularly drawn to certain areas. I don't see the reason to talk about women like that though. It's almost like he's 12 and just discovered boobies, very immature. I appreciate the male form, but I try to be respectful and watch what I say, especially in the office. I've known this particular man long enough to know he's harmless in the sense that he wouldn't put his hands on me, but many times it's the people you most suspect. If you talk about women like we're nothing but objects, there's a greater chance we'll be treated like we're nothing but objects. A man at my last job who was fired for kissing a woman was also the type to make comments about women that went beyond you look nice or beautiful. 

When it comes to things like racism and homophobia, which I've heard in the office before, I speak out every single time. Maybe some guys really think as long as they're not touching anyone or discussing a coworker's body, no big deal. (I've had that happen to me too.) But if I hear racism, xenophobia, homophobia, transphobia, I don't get how you don't know better. Taking it back to the topic, that's another one of my dealbreakers. I wouldn't date someone who's a bigot. There are men who are really respectful where they don't talk about other women or me in a gross manner, but the way they speak about other marginalized groups grosses me out.