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Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

DkNNy79

By DkNNy79
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Jaded
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emma675
emma675

I had a guy send me a dick pic a few years ago on a dating site. I replied back "is that all?" and he blocked me.  🤣

theredhead77
theredhead77

If you get an animal that will eat you after you die you won't be alone, and you'll give back to the circle of life. That's why I have cats 🙃

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oliviabenson

oliviabenson

18 minutes ago, ginger90 said:

Is there a way on these APPS  to weed out (or include, if they wish) such things in advance so someone doesn’t get such replies? Something like, “don’t show me….”

One app I was using doesn’t allow to send pics so until we exchanged numbers I wasn’t bombarded with x rated pics. Otherwise guys and gals can say what they want and usually attach pics.

  • Like 2
JTMacc99

JTMacc99

1 hour ago, ginger90 said:

Is there a way on these APPS  to weed out (or include, if they wish) such things in advance so someone doesn’t get such replies? Something like, “don’t show me….”

A profile that has a bunch of “rules for contacting me” is an immediate turn off for people who would never do those things anyway.  It’s just too negative. 
 

What you get when you do that is “nice guys”, which is distinctly different than the kind men @RealHousewifeis seeking. Nice guys see that and use it to play the “Can you believe these guys?” game. 
 

Kind men see the the list of rules and think “I don’t need that hassle of having to prove that I’m not a jerk.”

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ginger90

ginger90

11 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

A profile that has a bunch of “rules for contacting me” is an immediate turn off for people who would never do those things anyway.  It’s just too negative. 
 

What you get when you do that is “nice guys”, which is distinctly different than the kind men @RealHousewifeis seeking. Nice guys see that and use it to play the “Can you believe these guys?” game. 
 

Kind men see the the list of rules and think “I don’t need that hassle of having to prove that I’m not a jerk.”

I didn’t mean as part of a profile. I meant it as something within the APP itself you could choose, to prevent such replies. Obviously the answer to that is no.

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Eri

Eri

(edited)
2 hours ago, Annber03 said:

How do guys think stuff like this is sexy and enticing? How? 

But nothing screams "aphrodisiac" more than a shirtless shitter photo 🙃

 

On 2/10/2023 at 1:24 AM, RealHousewife said:

I try to pay attention to the obvious stuff like how they treat servers, their relationships with their family (especially females), but anything else that gives a quick insight into what someone's really like?

I've had a number of experiences where guys are nothing but nice until they get rejected or don't get something they want. I am a sensitive soul, and at my age, I'm not looking to date just to date either. I'd love a life partner and would like to try for kids before it's too late. My number one thing is kindness. I need to be attracted but he doesn't have to be conventionally attractive, don't color what color a guy is, where he's from, have even become more open when it comes to how a guy votes, etc. I just really want someone who's a sweetheart, very respectful of women, and would never intentionally hurt anyone. 

To be honest, even just basic kindness is such a low bar these days. Things are definitely crazy out there in the streets and you really have to screen these guys to make sure you're not getting taken advantage of, etc. Have you ever tried starting with your interests to find like minded people on the app? Especially when you read through their profiles and pick up on certain keywords? A good place to try and meet someone is in environments that you frequent/ feel safe in, or events based on hobbies and interests, that way you can observe how they walk through life even when they aren't interacting with you. And make sure they're all events and places that genuinely interest you and enrich your life even without the added benefit of finding a man.

I believe that quality people that match me and my energy will take a lot more time so you're right to take your time and not just settle for anyone that says something nice. In the past, I felt that I needed to change myself, conform to societal standards of what a pretty, cool and classy girl should be like. Though honestly, you have more value to the people who share similar interests.

If you feel disrespected or rushed because of your age or whatever else these grown little boys like to project to you about, never accept it! For each lowlife you don't accept, you're closer to finding that person that will take his time with you. Also, I don't force myself to be out there really; I'm always focusing on my self care, mental health and building into my craft and my hobbies while living new experiences so that I have something to talk about for when the time comes that I happen to bump onto someone. For instance, I find that I thrive in quirky or unconventional events where my confidence is unmatched and people are drawn to that.

Just my two cents🙂

Edited by Eri
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RealHousewife

RealHousewife

(edited)
On 2/11/2023 at 5:35 PM, Eri said:

To be honest, even just basic kindness is such a low bar these days. Things are definitely crazy out there in the streets and you really have to screen these guys to make sure you're not getting taken advantage of, etc. Have you ever tried starting with your interests to find like minded people on the app? Especially when you read through their profiles and pick up on certain keywords? A good place to try and meet someone is in environments that you frequent/ feel safe in, or events based on hobbies and interests, that way you can observe how they walk through life even when they aren't interacting with you. And make sure they're all events and places that genuinely interest you and enrich your life even without the added benefit of finding a man.

I believe that quality people that match me and my energy will take a lot more time so you're right to take your time and not just settle for anyone that says something nice. In the past, I felt that I needed to change myself, conform to societal standards of what a pretty, cool and classy girl should be like. Though honestly, you have more value to the people who share similar interests.

If you feel disrespected or rushed because of your age or whatever else these grown little boys like to project to you about, never accept it! For each lowlife you don't accept, you're closer to finding that person that will take his time with you. Also, I don't force myself to be out there really; I'm always focusing on my self care, mental health and building into my craft and my hobbies while living new experiences so that I have something to talk about for when the time comes that I happen to bump onto someone. For instance, I find that I thrive in quirky or unconventional events where my confidence is unmatched and people are drawn to that.

Just my two cents🙂

So true! Also, why does every asshole swear he's a nice guy? I've heard so many jerks complain that nice guys finish last. 

My only hobby that gets me out of the house is dance. It does attract more women that men, and oftentimes the men it attracts are already partnered up or men I'm not attracted to. But now and then I'll meet someone I'd be open to dating. It can still be a little tricky to get a feel for someone's personality since most of the class you're just listening to the instructor and not getting to know one another. I do really like when guys are respectful and don't get comfortable being very close to me very easily. Sometimes a guy will ask for consent if a move is more provocative, and I love that. I can deal with the guys who are more friendly, shall we say, but wouldn't want to date one. 

I used to act a bit, but while I met some very attractive men acting, not sure I'd want to be with a professional liar! lol 

My other interests are things like baking, watching TV, makeup, fashion, not really things that will help me meet men. 

The men I'm most attracted to are oftentimes into things I'm not into-sports, outdoors, martial arts, etc. I'm a prissy, girly girl. 

Yeah even though I'm getting older, I'm still not going to waste my time with anyone who isn't a truly good person. Sometimes I wish I didn't have all my insecurities and anxiety because they can interfere with me living life so much, but they've helped protect me from bad men. 

Thanks so much for your advice! I really appreciate it. I've really tried to work on myself this year. I was in therapy for awhile to work on some of my issues. I still have issues, but luckily I managed to get into a better place. I'm grateful my family, friends, and I all made it through three years of this pandemic, but boy did it ever take a toll on my mental health. I had always managed being single fine until I felt so isolated. 

Edited by RealHousewife
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RealHousewife

RealHousewife

(edited)
1 hour ago, oliviabenson said:

I tried 5-6. I got mostly awful guys on all of them. Maybe it’s me maybe I’m just hideous. 

I'm sure you're not, and please don't take it that way. One woman I know who got some of the most rude comments is actually super pretty. She would get so many messages because of her looks, she couldn't get to them all. Men would get really nasty, but she did find her now husband who is a good guy. 

I forget, did you ever try an app you have to pay for? Those apps should attract more quality men who aren't just looking to hook up. 

Also, I can relate to self-esteem issues so please don't take it the wrong way. But sometimes if you're insecure, men will pick up on that and take advantage of you. Do you feel worthy of a catch? Do you engage with any man who talks to you? Please be careful. 

Sometimes I would feel like I'm not perfect looking enough for this guy, or this man makes much more money than me, etc. But sometimes guys I felt were more in my league not only weren't even in my league but not even nice guys. There's this stereotype that good-looking guys are all jerks, and ugly guys must have personality. It can go all sorts of ways. Ditto men with nice jobs. Movies will have you think the poor guy is the sweetheart who'll truly love you. It's just not necessarily true. 

Do you have some sort of standards for the men you'll talk to? I can be insecure because of scars and not having my own home, but you know what? Men still think I'm beautiful. I have a job I'm good at and getting a promotion. Most importantly, despite any flaws, I have a good heart. I know I'm worth more than just whoever will talk to me even if I'm not perfect. 

I look for someone who is kind, that I'm attracted to (even if he isn't "handsome"), doesn't smoke, prefer no kids, has a job, etc. I try not to be so picky that I'll be single forever, but picky enough that I'll deal with less jerks. Sometimes men who think you're out of their league are some of the worst. There was one man who said I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. He thought I wast the most perfect thing ever, I could do wrong. That is, until he realized I'd never want to be with him. He became very cruel and picked me apart. It did really mess with me. My interactions with good-looking men with good jobs on the other hand? They've never really treated me terribly. My own insecurities kept me from taking anything with them too seriously. 

Edited by RealHousewife
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Jaded

Jaded

On 2/12/2023 at 11:50 AM, oliviabenson said:

@RealHousewifeno I never paid for apps. 
 

I texted with plenty of guys who were not attractive and they were horrible too. 
 

 

I don’t care what the guy looks like as long as he is a decent guy…

Maybe you could check if any of the paid apps have any good new member offers that would allow you to test one out for a bit then you could see if your results are better.

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RealHousewife

RealHousewife

On 2/12/2023 at 11:50 AM, oliviabenson said:

@RealHousewifeno I never paid for apps. 
 

I texted with plenty of guys who were not attractive and they were horrible too. 
 

 

I don’t care what the guy looks like as long as he is a decent guy…

Yeah, I wondered if perhaps you needed to be more selective. 

More or less the same here. 

5 minutes ago, Jaded said:

Maybe you could check if any of the paid apps have any good new member offers that would allow you to test one out for a bit then you could see if your results are better.

Agree.

@oliviabensonI'd either take a break from the apps you've used, or if you're on a mission to find a partner and have a little extra cash to spare, try a new one. As much as I'm leery of the apps myself, I know too many good people (including men) who are on them. The stuff you've experienced sounds particularly bad. I don't even know how much stuff like match or eharmony costs, but if they're a lot, I'd look into volunteering, church if you're Christian, going to a new park with your dog if you have one, a new hobby, etc. If you have the time, maybe even get a part-time job somewhere. You shouldn't have to deal with all these rudeness and disrespect my dear. You deserve much better.

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RealHousewife

RealHousewife

1 hour ago, oliviabenson said:

A lot of the app men tell me: no condoms. Whyyy? 
 

Today I was texting one and it was going good. Until 1. No condoms and 2. He allegedly lives with his sister and I can only visit 8:30-noon.

Definitely has a girlfriend. 

(I am so glad I can vent here)

Also suspect a girlfriend, and who actually goes to a man's place when they've never even met before? Was he trying to get you to visit him in person prior to meeting up for a meal or coffee?

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oliviabenson

oliviabenson

1 hour ago, RealHousewife said:

Also suspect a girlfriend, and who actually goes to a man's place when they've never even met before? Was he trying to get you to visit him in person prior to meeting up for a meal or coffee?

Yes he said come today! I said no. Then next Tuesday at 8:30 am. 
Yes it’s straight to sex. No prior meeting at all. 

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RealHousewife

RealHousewife

2 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

Yes he said come today! I said no. Then next Tuesday at 8:30 am. 
Yes it’s straight to sex. No prior meeting at all. 

I wonder how many women would actually take him up on that?!

I believe in all the precautions. First of all, I'd never go to a man's place unless I knew him pretty well. A first meeting must be in a public place, and I'd also let a family member or friend know and share my location with that person. 

I have nothing against grown men and women who do just want to hook up, but I still believe we must protect ourselves as women and that a good, decent man wouldn't expect a woman he's never met to literally just show up to his house for sex like that. You don't have to be married, engaged, in love, or even date for 3 months or whatever, but enough of a relationship to have a sense of safety. I don't care if he's the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen and the 8:30 am dick appointment he's offering is at his mansion, not happening. 

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theredhead77

theredhead77

(edited)
4 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

They are All creeps. And since it’s free entertainment why not enjoy myself. 

That seems like a good way to miss out on a non-creep.

4 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

Nah just observing what I got on apps. All creeps who want unprotected hook ups.

What are the names of the app or apps are you using so the rest of us can avoid them? There are ton of them out there these days. Tinder? PoF? Match? Something else?

Edited by theredhead77
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oliviabenson

oliviabenson

1 hour ago, theredhead77 said:

That seems like a good way to miss out on a non-creep.

What are the names of the app or apps are you using so the rest of us can avoid them? There are ton of them out there these days. Tinder? PoF? Match? Something else?

I am still trying to meet a guy. I’m just not having much luck on finding a nice one..:

 

avoid:

tagged

hinge

bumble

tinder

coffee meets bagel

 

I met some okay lady acquaintances on reddit and meetup 

On bumble I only met unhinged/flaky lady friends 

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Scatterbrained

Scatterbrained

(edited)
On 2/3/2023 at 11:38 AM, Elizabeth Anne said:

 I used to belong to the long gone now snopes message board and two of the participants did actually strike up a friendship online through the board and eventually met and married.  I wonder if message boards are a better opportunity to really get to know someone as opposed to a dating site?

This reminds me of the fact that the reality TV show Big Brother has had a lot of relationships form.  Seemingly more than other reality tv shows.  There was once an article on it.  It was speculated that all the locked-in downtime was the reason.  Contestants literally had nothing better to do than communicate and hang out with each other and bond.

Edited by Scatterbrained
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oliviabenson

oliviabenson

3 hours ago, Scatterbrained said:

This reminds me of the fact that the reality TV show Big Brother has had a lot of relationships form.  Seemingly more than other reality tv shows.  There was once an article on it.  It was speculated that all the locked-in downtime was the reason.  Contestants literally had nothing better to do than communicate and hang out with each other and bond.

And biggest loser (tv show)

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RealHousewife

RealHousewife

On 2/20/2023 at 7:27 AM, HerkyJerky said:

Hey, even at 80, you gotta shoot your shot!😎

I guess. lol He brought up that he has a lot of properties. Maybe he's rich and actually pulls younger women? 

He said that he loves women and that I'm a pretty one. Pardon my ignorance, but what do you all think he wanted with me? Is he still trying to get laid or just wants a caretaker he thinks is cute? 

  • LOL 1
HerkyJerky

HerkyJerky

4 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Is he still trying to get laid or just wants a caretaker he thinks is cute? 

It could be either thing, both or neither.  Maybe he just wants somebody to do things with🤷‍♂️.  I just now got an e-mail from Ticketmaster of all the fun things to do in Tampa for the next 3 mos but I don't have anybody to do them with.

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RealHousewife

RealHousewife

14 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

Who knows. Did you give him your number so you can find out?

No, I was too leery. I’ll probably run into him again if you all think I should! Lol

13 hours ago, HerkyJerky said:

It could be either thing, both or neither.  Maybe he just wants somebody to do things with🤷‍♂️.  I just now got an e-mail from Ticketmaster of all the fun things to do in Tampa for the next 3 mos but I don't have anybody to do them with.

I feel you. I wish I had more friends for all my interests. I don’t know if you’re an older fellow or not, but I do have much older male friends I’ve met through work. I just get nervous with the total stranger thing. I’m pretty sure I could take a little old man if I had to, but I still get nervous about harassment.

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AgentRXS

AgentRXS

Maybe he's looking for a sugar baby? He probably knows he can't take the money with him when he goes and is looking to spend it with a hot young thing (or several lol).

I am so tired of men just wanting a hookup. It's so lame. Sex isn't that important to me that I need to hook up with a total stranger. Ugh. Online dating is so meh.

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oliviabenson

oliviabenson

So let me share the latest guy story:

 

happened over a 8 day period.

he lives in Philadelphia (I’m in NYC). 
very cute, funny, we text, video chat, regular phone talking. He showed me his apartment and his dog. He definitely lives alone and no lady things anywhere I was looking lol.

im Willing to relocate for the right guy.

ya all I was getting my hopes up that maybe I found a decent guy…

we planned for me to visit for a day trip in March. 
 

well today he showed me his true jerk self.

he expected me to get to his apartment on my own. Once I get there strip naked and give him oral sex and he will video tape me…

I literally cried from being once again tricked/disrespected and disappointed.

I am so done with men/apps/dating forever. 
 

stupid me thought we would spend the day walking around sightseeing, eat something, talk. Nope.

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oliviabenson

oliviabenson

On 2/20/2023 at 12:42 AM, RealHousewife said:

Do any of you ladies get asked out by much older men?

I was recently asked out by an octogenarian. I'm not even out of my 30s yet, and I look younger than my age if anything! 

He was looking for free companionship. All the guys I matched with want to hook up. 

  • Like 1
RealHousewife

RealHousewife

27 minutes ago, AgentRXS said:

Maybe he's looking for a sugar baby? He probably knows he can't take the money with him when he goes and is looking to spend it with a hot young thing (or several lol).

I am so tired of men just wanting a hookup. It's so lame. Sex isn't that important to me that I need to hook up with a total stranger. Ugh. Online dating is so meh.

You may be on to something. He not only hinted he has money, but he has no children either, not sure who the money will go to. I think it's great to have friends of all ages, but I can only have a platonic with relationship someone his age. I wish I had it in me to be a sugar baby! lol Lord knows I would be thrilled just to have ONE of the houses he says he has. 

22 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

So let me share the latest guy story:

 

happened over a 8 day period.

he lives in Philadelphia (I’m in NYC). 
very cute, funny, we text, video chat, regular phone talking. He showed me his apartment and his dog. He definitely lives alone and no lady things anywhere I was looking lol.

im Willing to relocate for the right guy.

ya all I was getting my hopes up that maybe I found a decent guy…

we planned for me to visit for a day trip in March. 
 

well today he showed me his true jerk self.

he expected me to get to his apartment on my own. Once I get there strip naked and give him oral sex and he will video tape me…

I literally cried from being once again tricked/disrespected and disappointed.

I am so done with men/apps/dating forever. 
 

stupid me thought we would spend the day walking around sightseeing, eat something, talk. Nope.

I'm so sorry Olivia. *big hug* 

I wouldn't give up on finding love. I would stop with all the apps full of these men though. As much as I'm leery of men myself due to some of my own experiences, good guys exist. Is there any other way for you to meet single men?

Just now, oliviabenson said:

He was looking for free companionship. All the guys I matched with want to hook up. 

I've had my fair share of interaction with younger men who just want to hook up too. I'm not saying I want the culture to be against premarital sex or shaming women for being sexual or any of that. But our culture is way too sex-crazed. Why can't we have a happy medium between purity culture and hookup culture? I hope to eventually find a partner where we are happy in that department, but I'm sorry, if you push sexual stuff right off the bat, I will never touch you! I need to feel safe with a man to want to take my clothes off. Men who instantly objectify us can keep it moving. 

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Lisa418722

Lisa418722

7 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

So let me share the latest guy story:

 

happened over a 8 day period.

he lives in Philadelphia (I’m in NYC). 
very cute, funny, we text, video chat, regular phone talking. He showed me his apartment and his dog. He definitely lives alone and no lady things anywhere I was looking lol.

im Willing to relocate for the right guy.

ya all I was getting my hopes up that maybe I found a decent guy…

we planned for me to visit for a day trip in March. 
 

well today he showed me his true jerk self.

he expected me to get to his apartment on my own. Once I get there strip naked and give him oral sex and he will video tape me…

I literally cried from being once again tricked/disrespected and disappointed.

I am so done with men/apps/dating forever. 
 

stupid me thought we would spend the day walking around sightseeing, eat something, talk. Nope.

I've given up.  I'm still hopeful, but at this point, no more apps.  

Reading this - at least he told you what he expected before you got there.  It could have been a terrifying situation if you had gotten there and then he told you what he expected.  

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HerkyJerky

HerkyJerky

9 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

(I’m in NYC).

OB, have you ever seen the show "Fleishman is in Trouble"? GREAT SHOW!  It's about a doctor in NYC who is having marital problems.  After Fleishman's wife divorces him, he goes crazy with the apps and is having continual sex but he laments to his buddies that he just wants to meet a normal girl.  The people on that show's board explain that the ratio of women to men in NYC is 2 to 1.  Is that true?

  • Mind Blown 1
oliviabenson

oliviabenson

3 hours ago, Lisa418722 said:

I've given up.  I'm still hopeful, but at this point, no more apps.  

Reading this - at least he told you what he expected before you got there.  It could have been a terrifying situation if you had gotten there and then he told you what he expected.  

I’m glad he let me know what a creep he was. To be honest once he texted me his address I sorta figured out that he wanted a hook up… He tricked me good for 8 days. 

  • Hugs 3
JTMacc99

JTMacc99

2 hours ago, HerkyJerky said:

The people on that show's board explain that the ratio of women to men in NYC is 2 to 1.  Is that true?

There was an article published by OK Cupid a few years ago that talked about stuff like this in cities across the United States.

There are 200,000 more single women in NYC than single men. That's like at most 1.2 to 1.00 in some age brackets, not 2:1.  The number is heavily skewed by age, with more single men in the 18-45 age range, and then it flips after age 45. (Probably because that's when we start dying faster or have made the strategic decision to go it alone until we die.)

NYC, with it's huge population, had some ugly stats such as women should expect a man to respond to their first message 24% of the time. Only Los Angeles was lower at 20%. Most other cities were 35%-50%. And men should expect to get a response to their first message a paltry 9.85% of the time, the only city below 12%. (And that number is so low almost certainly because of the sheer number of men who use apps to cast a wide, WIDE, net.)

There's also this pretty detailed write up of What is Dating Like in NYC by a professional dating coach. As it is just one person's breakdown of the situation, one should interpret it as such. Individuals might have distinctly different experiences.

  • Useful 2
JTMacc99

JTMacc99

And just by chance, I ran across an article today that references a study about single people in America right now. 

More stats on who says they are single and by age groups. The way it moves from more single men in the younger brackets to more women can't just be that men are dying faster.  Maybe some of this stuff has to do with women choosing to be with men older than they are? (And who can blame them? I was an 18-29 year old man at one point. While I was always delightful, my friends were idiots.)

 

0221D6AC-0B4A-479A-B9AD-9A9F7EA3B862.jpeg

  • Like 3
RealHousewife

RealHousewife

On 2/23/2023 at 12:57 AM, oliviabenson said:

@RealHousewife not really . Real life doesn’t work that’s why I joined apps

I'm so sorry. I wish I could help. It's definitely hard for me to determine who's truly a good guy too, even IRL. Everyone is so nice until they don't get what they want. 

Do any of the men here have advice? 

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HerkyJerky

HerkyJerky

17 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Do any of the men here have advice? 

Unfortunately not.  If any of us had a foolproof way of meeting decent people, I think we would all be in relationships instead of continually looking.

This reminds me of a Beetle Bailey cartoon that I've kept in my wallet for years: Beetle says to Killer: "Have you had any luck in finding the perfect girl?"

Killer replies: "As a matter of fact I have!"

Beetle says: "That's great, Killer!"

Killer replies: "Actually, not so much.  She was looking for the perfect guy!"😂

  • LOL 4

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