Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[Bastet]

3 minutes ago, possibilities said:

With the explosion in ways to communicate nowadays, different people have different preferences for which methods and what each is for. It's way more complicated than it used to be, and I think we have to give each other some margin for error if they don't immediately guess what your preferences are, or if it takes them a while to memorize them, because there is so much variation in how people like to do things.

I agree.  Only a select few have my cell phone number, as I don't like getting routine calls on it -- I only want it called when I'm traveling (and then you better really need to speak to me because, hello, I'm traveling) or you know I'm in the car on the way to see you and you need to talk to me about that.  Otherwise, call my house or office as appropriate, and I'll either answer or get back to you later if I'm busy.  So those who have my cell phone number are also told, "But don't call me on this unless [description similar to above]."  Every once in a while, my friend has a brain fart on that, leaves me a message on my cell phone, and I don't hear it for two weeks because that's the next time I bother to charge my phone.

But there are people who don't check their landline answering machine/voicemail (but still have one) and want all calls on their cell, so I have to remember that about them just like they have to remember the opposite about me. 

We all figure it out, and mostly remember.  (The one thing I won't cater to is "text me," because I hate texting, so I'll say, "I'll email you.")  But, yeah, we can't expect someone to know we think phone calls are only for emergencies, or whatever our rules are, unless we tell them.  There's too much variation in communication preferences to assume someone is thinking about it the same way.

[JTMacc99]

Well, we ended up getting together for about an hour or so tonight, and I had a nice time. Phone call overreaction was just me being strangely pessimistic.  I’m chalking it up to an otherwise stress filled week that had me in an unreasonably negative place. 

[possibilities]

That's good news!

[KnoxForPres]

On 10/8/2018 at 3:19 AM, JTMacc99 said:

Well, we ended up getting together for about an hour or so tonight, and I had a nice time. Phone call overreaction was just me being strangely pessimistic.  I’m chalking it up to an otherwise stress filled week that had me in an unreasonably negative place. 

Yay!  That’s great news indeed!  I’m a little voyeuristic so if you spill details I’ll read them with so much excitement it will negate any monotone voice on the phone.

I think your phone concerns were valid and the important part is you met in person bc the texts and other things kept you interested to see if you were right.

I have a good friend who went on an online date (this isn’t directed at you but kind of in the same scenario) and the girl he was with was kind of awkwardly outgoing and inserted herself into someone else’s conversation. And he saw it as a dealbreaker. Otherwise he had a good time. I told him especially on a blind first date people can do all kinds of stuff with nerves, excitement etc. If you like her- please give her another chance. 

They have been together about 6 months now and things are going strong. 

We are all human and even the coolest subject to being weird when we probably are otherwise normal. 

Edited October 9, 2018 by KnoxForPres

[JTMacc99]

Tell you what @KnoxForPres, the next time I get into a conversation or go on a date that has details worthy of a voyeur, I promise to recap it here with all of my best flowery language.

 

47 minutes ago, KnoxForPres said:

the girl he was with was kind of awkwardly outgoing and inserted herself into someone else’s conversation. And he saw it as a dealbreaker.

Fascinating. I would have seen that as a giant positive behavior. I do really well with outgoing people, and even better with awkwardly outgoing because they're funny.

I'm glad you got him to give her a second chance!

[aradia22]

So I'm back. Third date with Mr. Slow and Easy. Yes, I know our last date was in August. I've been busy. 

I was getting off work so we decided to meet up right after. He knew a restaurant in the area but it was sketchy when we peeked in so I suggested just getting pizza (because it's NY and there's always a place, especially where we happened to be) so we did and it was a good venue. Not too quiet to awkward. Not so loud you couldn't hear. Busy enough that other people were in and out but not so busy that you felt bad about holding a table. Counting walking time we spent about 2.5 hours together. We had another intellectual conversation about education and gender. A few casual things too but I was just coming off work so it was relevant. But we need to just talk about normal stuff at some point. 

I feel like I can't judge the situation properly. On the one hand, we do get along more or less. And he's nice and I'm okay being casual sometimes and he's okay doing the things I want to do sometimes. But am I just hanging onto him in spite of fundamental incompatibilities because he's nice enough and he wants to do stuff I like (and pay for it) and there are no other good prospects on the horizon? I don't know. I can't tell if we disagree in a way that's healthy or if we're just talking at cross purposes and we end up somewhere between agreeing to disagree and dropping the subject. I will say that I haven't hit that point where I decide I hate him because I still find him attractive. Usually I know when I'm done because the guy becomes incredibly irritating to me. 

Overall, I do think I'd feel better if I was juggling some more dates. But I'm also not willing to just go out with anyone because I don't need anyone's help feeling bad about myself which is the flavor of a lot of my interactions lately.

[ratgirlagogo]

56 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

I feel like I can't judge the situation properly. On the one hand, we do get along more or less. And he's nice and I'm okay being casual sometimes and he's okay doing the things I want to do sometimes. But am I just hanging onto him in spite of fundamental incompatibilities because he's nice enough and he wants to do stuff I like (and pay for it) and there are no other good prospects on the horizon? I don't know.

If you haven't gotten together with the guy since August I hardly think you could be accused of being clingy or  "hanging onto him."  For better or worse spending time with the person is the only way you can really find out if you get along with them.  Good luck and and you shouldn't feel bad about yourself.  I like you a lot and I just know you from here.:)

[possibilities]

I think it's way too soon to be worried about whether someone is a viable serious commitment. It's really okay to spend time with someone and get to know them, without knowing where it's headed or if it "has a future." If you were very busy and giving up things that were more important to you to do instead, or if you were having a terrible time, then sure-- don't see him again. But it doesn't have to be earth shatteringly wonderful or horrifically terrible. Most moments aren't. I think if you don't attach extra significance to it, it's easier to decide whether or not to get together, and just hang out and have a reasonably decent time, and see where it goes. Also, since you really aren't sure, it's a good situation to try things, because there's not a lot at stake. If you get bored, try changing the subject. If you want to talk about "more normal stuff" then try bringing that stuff up. I think there's less pressure when it's not deliriously intoxicating or terrifyingly awful, which gives you some opportunity to explore without a lot of anxiety about how it turns out.

[JTMacc99]

20 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I feel like I can't judge the situation properly

It sounds to me like he's somebody you would enjoy talking to in social situations, with the plus that he's easy to look at, but you've pretty much got him pointed at the "No long term potential" bucket.

And that's okay. 

So for now, if you enjoy the infrequent and casual meet ups and nothing about it makes you feel bad about yourself, then why not keep the connection alive?

[KnoxForPres]

On 10/28/2018 at 8:59 PM, aradia22 said:

So I'm back. Third date with Mr. Slow and Easy. Yes, I know our last date was in August. I've been busy. 

I was getting off work so we decided to meet up right after. He knew a restaurant in the area but it was sketchy when we peeked in so I suggested just getting pizza (because it's NY and there's always a place, especially where we happened to be) so we did and it was a good venue. Not too quiet to awkward. Not so loud you couldn't hear. Busy enough that other people were in and out but not so busy that you felt bad about holding a table. Counting walking time we spent about 2.5 hours together. We had another intellectual conversation about education and gender. A few casual things too but I was just coming off work so it was relevant. But we need to just talk about normal stuff at some point. 

I feel like I can't judge the situation properly. On the one hand, we do get along more or less. And he's nice and I'm okay being casual sometimes and he's okay doing the things I want to do sometimes. But am I just hanging onto him in spite of fundamental incompatibilities because he's nice enough and he wants to do stuff I like (and pay for it) and there are no other good prospects on the horizon? I don't know. I can't tell if we disagree in a way that's healthy or if we're just talking at cross purposes and we end up somewhere between agreeing to disagree and dropping the subject. I will say that I haven't hit that point where I decide I hate him because I still find him attractive. Usually I know when I'm done because the guy becomes incredibly irritating to me. 

Overall, I do think I'd feel better if I was juggling some more dates. But I'm also not willing to just go out with anyone because I don't need anyone's help feeling bad about myself which is the flavor of a lot of my interactions lately.

It all sounds a bit heavy. Education and gender, fundamental incompatiblies, agreeing to disagree. Date three.

It’s fine to talk about important issues especially if that is interesting to both parties. But I’m willing to wager you guys also like in some form movies, sports, television, music-  common denominators where laughter can ensue.  

 I want to laugh and have fun with a partner. I also want to explore more serious sides but I really prefer that on the lesser extent. Isn’t life serious and hard enough?  To me there are few better things than when my side hurts from laughing with someone I love. 

All that said I’d go out again but whether you get off work or not unless he goes all serious I’d really try to skew it more fun.  Sounds like there is a good base there and I’ll add for some humor- something turns me on about the name Slow and Easy :)

And with that said I’d also like to acknowledge the above is my own opinion and serious and heartfelt conversations may be your number one and all of the above is meaningless and I get that too should it be the case.  Wish you luck no matter  

[CastleBell]

On October 28, 2018 at 8:59 PM, aradia22 said:

I will say that I haven't hit that point where I decide I hate him because I still find him attractive. Usually I know when I'm done because the guy becomes incredibly irritating to me. 

That sounds like the bottom line to me. You don't know you're done yet. So don't be done until you do know, or he knows. Maybe this is just normal early-getting-to-know-you confusion that looks like something else because of the extended timeline. At some point something will break for one of you and you'll end it (or not).

You've both been willing to go months between meet-ups, meaning that no one is leading anyone to think that this connection has already been marked as serious and long-term. If you're enjoying yourself, there's nothing wrong with waiting a little longer, doing the things you do together, and being sure.

[DeLurker]

8 hours ago, KnoxForPres said:

 I want to laugh and have fun with a partner. I also want to explore more serious sides but I really prefer that on the lesser extent. Isn’t life serious and hard enough?  

I'm like you in this regard - I want to be able to be relaxed enough with someone to be silly.  I would need to see a glimpse of a sense of humor or wit in a person early on.

[KnoxForPres]

On 10/30/2018 at 9:29 AM, DeLurker said:

I'm like you in this regard - I want to be able to be relaxed enough with someone to be silly.  I would need to see a glimpse of a sense of humor or wit in a person early on.

Yeah and I wish someone had told me that early on. You hear in media or whatever “relationships are work” which yeah, I guess to a degree but fun is so much better. 

But I pretty much burned my 20s and a good part of my 30s awfully serious about relationships and regret that now. Like even if I had a great time I’d go home and lay in bed and replay it finding criticisms. I definitely let some good ones go bc of my “high standards” which I prided myself in and now look back and see I was wrong. 

When I let go and realized I’m far from perfect so who am I to want perfection. But more than that- I was being somewhat silly judging and ticking off pluses or minuses and saw people like myself- getting through this world best we know how-  I enjoyed dating so much more. I’m sure the guys did too!  I let it go and now pretty much try to live driven by acceptance, forgiveness, kindness, and lots of laughs. And it’s so much better.  I still have my slip ups for sure but it changed my world. 

[JTMacc99]

Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom that comes with time passing before the time passed @KnoxForPres?

[DeLurker]

51 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom that comes with time passing before the time passed @KnoxForPres?

I seem to remember people trying to pass on their hard earned wisdom for my benefit, but I had to learn it the hard way too...

[aradia22]

Quote

When I let go and realized I’m far from perfect so who am I to want perfection. But more than that- I was being somewhat silly judging and ticking off pluses or minuses and saw people like myself- getting through this world best we know how-  I enjoyed dating so much more. I’m sure the guys did too!  I let it go and now pretty much try to live driven by acceptance, forgiveness, kindness, and lots of laughs. And it’s so much better.  I still have my slip ups for sure but it changed my world.

Oh, I'm far from perfect. But I'm out here navigating a sea of misogynists and liars and womanizers and racists and damage and just trying to have normal, fun dates. I'm not saying that from a cynical or pessimistic or paranoid POV, these have all been past deal breakers. I've learned to trust my instincts when I feel like something's wrong. And so far I haven't felt the spark that would make me want to work at a relationship. At best I've felt attraction or a slight flutter but nothing past the first date or two. 

For whatever reason, my profile is not attractive to the guys I might be compatible with. There are profiles where we have common interests. They don't respond to me.  

[KnoxForPres]

On 11/1/2018 at 12:51 PM, aradia22 said:

Oh, I'm far from perfect. But I'm out here navigating a sea of misogynists and liars and womanizers and racists and damage and just trying to have normal, fun dates. I'm not saying that from a cynical or pessimistic or paranoid POV, these have all been past deal breakers. I've learned to trust my instincts when I feel like something's wrong. And so far I haven't felt the spark that would make me want to work at a relationship. At best I've felt attraction or a slight flutter but nothing past the first date or two. 

For whatever reason, my profile is not attractive to the guys I might be compatible with. There are profiles where we have common interests. They don't respond to me.  

Oh Gosh that was in no way directed at you and I apologize if it came across that way. 

I thought it sounded like you had an overall (if a hair serious date) and was commenting to my own desire for fun. And it got me thinking about my own take on dates and wishing I’d been more accepting. It wasn’t an attempt to preach at all. Also had a little Pinot to be honest and felt a lot of regret remembering times I’ve screwed up a good thing . 

Ive certainly dealt with my own share of piece of shits and can assure you they were not on my regret list. I am thankful I didn’t give them second chances. 

I think an instinct is everything. Be it a good or bad one and have always gone with it as well. 

Youve got the right idea and it is very tough dating to be sure. To my young self I would say- when you get that really nice one you’re not sure about but...say yes to several dates. Kindness is where it’s at (and humor!).

[KnoxForPres]

On 11/1/2018 at 10:43 AM, JTMacc99 said:

Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom that comes with time passing before the time passed @KnoxForPres?

Indeed. But I guess better late than never.

Whats the latest on your situation?

[KnoxForPres]

On 11/1/2018 at 12:51 PM, aradia22 said:

Oh, I'm far from perfect. But I'm out here navigating a sea of misogynists and liars and womanizers and racists and damage and just trying to have normal, fun dates. I'm not saying that from a cynical or pessimistic or paranoid POV, these have all been past deal breakers. I've learned to trust my instincts when I feel like something's wrong. And so far I haven't felt the spark that would make me want to work at a relationship. At best I've felt attraction or a slight flutter but nothing past the first date or two. 

For whatever reason, my profile is not attractive to the guys I might be compatible with. There are profiles where we have common interests. They don't respond to me.  

What does your profile say?  And what type guys do you want to meet? I’m not saying you need to reveal your profile but what is the gist?  There are a lot of people here with experience who wouldn’t be judging your profile but maybe see something you don’t. 

Ill say when I tried it and I saw “don’t message me if” or “I’m very firmly set in X” or statements like that I found it off putting. Real broad I am blank statements rubbed me the wrong way. It read like rules and regulations and opinions that felt exhausting and not fun. This again is not directed at you but this is a dating forum so thought I’d throw out some things that would be an auto-no for me. 

[JTMacc99]

On 11/2/2018 at 8:11 PM, KnoxForPres said:

Indeed. But I guess better late than never.

Whats the latest on your situation?

Change occurs in a spiral. Sometimes things go in the right direction, sometimes they go backwards. As long as it keeps climbing out of the situation and into the new place, it’s okay. 

I have two spirals that are intertwined. One is discovering new relationships and seeing what that adds to my life, and the other is finishing off the final pieces of my long since over marriage. The latter I’ve discussed elsewhere has been colored by depression, children, my inherent nature to be kind even though it is a great disservice to myself (and possibly my kids and my ex.)

Over Labor Day weekend I/we ended a potential relationship with super cute school teacher that had kept me busy over the summer. There was no doubt in my head that part of the reason I had to get out was due to unfinished business on the other spiral. 

So I set aside the hunt for dates, but have continued to monitor any interests in me and would go out with someone who looked special.

Ar the start of October my ex brought our son to his therapist appointment and the doctor told her right to her face that the two of us have not fully established proper boundaries for a couple who are clearly not a couple, that we (she) has created an unhealthy situation for our children.

So October I spent riding that wave of emotions in my world, and as of November 1st checks were written, keys were exchanged, and by the end of this month my home will start to look like it should look like. It is a monumental shift in my world.  

So basically from Labor Day through now, I’ve been sitting on my couch at the end of each evening pouring gin and snack foods into my mouth first in self pity and then dramatically shifted to soothing the anxiety of sitting on pins and needles that something might derail the change that was about to happen.

So I think that it’s fairly obvious that I would be a poor date right now, and it’s unlikely I’m going to have a pretty girl on my arm for the company Christmas party this year. 

I did grow a beard, and it has the stamp of approval from my female coworkers who are free with an opinion and for sure would give me a thumbs down if that’s what they felt.  

So in summary, the latest on my situation is that I am ready to break out of the gin cycle and start working on me, my house, my new (finally!) world and hit the new year as a different person than the one I’ve been presenting to the outside world.

Edited November 9, 2018 by JTMacc99

[ratgirlagogo]

Oh, man JTMacc99 - you really have been dealing with a lot, and to quote you from many pages ago, being strong sucks, doesn't it.   Best I can say is it seems like you are preparing to get into a much better place in your life.  I give you a big virtual hug and wish you all the luck in the universe. 

[JTMacc99]

On 11/3/2018 at 7:33 PM, ratgirlagogo said:

Oh, man JTMacc99 - you really have been dealing with a lot, and to quote you from many pages ago, being strong sucks, doesn't it.   Best I can say is it seems like you are preparing to get into a much better place in your life.  I give you a big virtual hug and wish you all the luck in the universe. 

Things are actually going really smoothly, and I'm excited about my future.  I was thinking today that I'm still not really feeling the urge to go on any dates. It's mostly because as my situation changes, I'm clearly going to be a different person with a different set of goals. So while I'm getting my arms around my new situation and who I am, I'm staying on the sidelines. 

However, I didn't shut off my dating apps. I just don't send out any messages. And I realize why I'm doing this. Me flipping through the apps is like a kid flipping through the toy catalog before Christmas. SOMETHING is going to be under the tree for me when that day comes. I don't know what, but look at all this cool stuff I might get.

And the reason that's a good thing is because if I don't use the apps, I'm still going to want to picture what might be waiting for me some day. I might do something stupid like put a real person in the role of imaginary future relationship. And that's a terrible idea. 

[Lantern7]

I'm back at square one. Met a woman online. We were supposed to meet, but she wanted to stay home due to the cold weather, which was understandable. About a week and a half later, she texted me that she started dating, and she wished me luck.

I'm not bitter at her. I'm not bitter at women in general. I'm just bitter that there are times where I don't even meet someone, and any chance of a chance at something meaningful is scuttled before the first date happens.

If anyone wants to read my profile and suggest improvements, send me a message.

Edited November 24, 2018 by Lantern7

[JTMacc99]

7 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

any chance of a chance at something meaningful is scuttled before the first date happens.

As I’ve said a few times here, that’s just the nature of online dating. It’s all very impersonal. 

I can give you an assignment though. I recently realized that my way of getting to know someone typically gets into deep topics very quickly. I’m good at talking about feelings and shit, which I realize separates me from a lot of my peers. BUT...

If I haven’t even met the person yet, or am just getting to know her, that type of conversation puts me in the damn friend zone. Almost always that’s the result. 

So I hit the Internet and read about flirting, banter, charm, and got some wonderful advice on how to be me, but in a way that presents me in a more appealing light. There are a lot of resources out there. Check out The Art of Charm podcast for example. 

When talking to someone new online, I now try to keep each note short, ask a question about her interests and make a joke or just be clever. If that goes well (people like to talk about things they like and people like to laugh) and I get lols and quick responses, I keep it up for a while and then try to work in flirty. Anything mildly flirty will work. Even just a “that’s what she said!” will work. Flirting is important because it positions me as a man she might want to date and not a person she might want to get together know. AKA: a friend. 

[Lantern7]

I've had a few women like my profile,but nothing really promising yet. I'm also responding to profiles . . . but the messages get sent out whenever I hit ENTER . . . which is either something that I need to correct, or I have to remember to hit SHIFT and ENTER. Otherwise, it's "Hi! I liked your profile!" and that's it.

[Jaded]

16 minutes ago, Lantern7 said:

I've had a few women like my profile,but nothing really promising yet. I'm also responding to profiles . . . but the messages get sent out whenever I hit ENTER . . . which is either something that I need to correct, or I have to remember to hit SHIFT and ENTER. Otherwise, it's "Hi! I liked your profile!" and that's it.

Maybe you could try typing up a reply elsewhere then copy and paste it into the reply box after you're happy with what you've written?

[Lantern7]

@Jaded . . . on my profile, I'm all, "PS: If I contacted you with so little words, that was probably not intentional."

[theredhead77]

13 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

Otherwise, it's "Hi! I liked your profile!"

Those get deleted from me - it feels like a fishing message. What did you like about my profile? It doesn't have to be a novel but it should have something to indicate you read my profile

12 hours ago, Jaded said:

Maybe you could try typing up a reply elsewhere then copy and paste it into the reply box after you're happy with what you've written?

Fantastic idea

12 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

@Jaded . . . on my profile, I'm all, "PS: If I contacted you with so little words, that was probably not intentional."

I'd remove that - it doesn't negate a generic first message.

[Lantern7]

I'm getting the occasional like, only to find a profile with barely anything there. That's a little frustrating. I'm also answering profiles, but I'm not getting any responses. Annoying, but what can I do? It happens. There's no additional pressure from turning 43, though I'm still feeling inadequate about my lack of relationship experience.

[Frisson]

I just started online dating a couple of days ago, but I used this thread as a primer. I got a message from a nice-looking guy right away, but it devolved into telling me his penis size and asking how I “get off fastest” before the first meet.

 

It’s interesting, like a card catalogue for all kinds of books, but I’m happier to NOT check these out than I would in an actual library.

[Lantern7]

1 hour ago, Frisson said:

I just started online dating a couple of days ago, but I used this thread as a primer. I got a message from a nice-looking guy right away, but it devolved into telling me his penis size and asking how I “get off fastest” before the first meet.

It’s interesting, like a card catalogue for all kinds of books, but I’m happier to NOT check these out than I would in an actual library.

Let me guess . . . you're nowhere near the New York City area. Me, I figure size would come up in the third date. Maybe the second. Seriously, I'm probably like a Tolkien novel: hundreds of pages before things get interesting.

It does get discouraging, when a woman likes my profile, and she doesn't really have any words about herself.

[Frisson]

I’m in Dallas, so the profiles are a mix of genteel and pervy. Lots of poly couples, which is fine if you put it in the summary for the ease of swipes. 

 

I find it annoying to consider a percentage match when most don’t fill out enough for that number to be significant. 

 

It’s interesting, mostly because I’ve been single more than I’ve been coupled in life and am content with either. It definitely takes the pressure off when you have lots of duds. 

[AgentRXS]

On 12/31/2018 at 8:58 PM, Frisson said:

I just started online dating a couple of days ago, but I used this thread as a primer. I got a message from a nice-looking guy right away, but it devolved into telling me his penis size and asking how I “get off fastest” before the first meet.

Ugh. Disgusting.

[BookWoman56]

On 12/31/2018 at 7:58 PM, Frisson said:

I just started online dating a couple of days ago, but I used this thread as a primer. I got a message from a nice-looking guy right away, but it devolved into telling me his penis size and asking how I “get off fastest” before the first meet.

 

It’s interesting, like a card catalogue for all kinds of books, but I’m happier to NOT check these out than I would in an actual library.

I had to laugh a little at the idea that a guy is focusing on penis size in your first (and presumably last) real conversation with him. Not exactly the same thing, but my second marriage was an open marriage because neither of us placed any value on sexual monogamy and a lot of value on different experiences. We would occasionally go to swingers' clubs. I very quickly learned not to go on singles' nights, because a lot of the single guys assumed that if you were at a swingers' club, you obviously were willing to have sex with anyone. Which was absolutely not the case; we were looking for possible sex partners that we found interesting and attractive, possibly to both of us or possibly just to one of us, but the criteria were a little more complex than just someone who had paid the admission fee. I haven't used one of the online dating services, because at this point in my life I'm not really looking for a relationship, but it sounds like many of the people who sign up for one are also working on the assumption that anyone who is a site member is willing to have sex with just about anyone, or at least is focused on penis size. I'm pansexual, so if I were looking for a relationship it wouldn't necessarily be with a guy, but FFS, guys, your penis size is not something I need to know about the first time we chat. If you have diphallia or a micropenis, sure, bring that up on the second or third conversation, but don't lead with your dick. 

[AgentRXS]

What used to be so disappointing for me is when I would be having a decent, intelligent conversation with a guy and he hit me with uncalled for dick pic. That is an immediate block and delete move for me. Why they think that is a smart idea is beyond me. If we aren't talking about sex or we haven't yet expressed interest in having a sexual relationship with each other, there is no reason to send me a pic of your genitals.

[Lantern7]

1 hour ago, AgentRXS said:

What used to be so disappointing for me is when I would be having a decent, intelligent conversation with a guy and he hit me with uncalled for dick pic. That is an immediate block and delete move for me. Why they think that is a smart idea is beyond me. If we aren't talking about sex or we haven't yet expressed interest in having a sexual relationship with each other, there is no reason to send me a pic of your genitals.

I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that. Is that a college elective these days? Health Ed in high school? Do I need a Cosmo Kramer to take the pics? 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🙄🙄🙄

[Frisson]

On 1/3/2019 at 9:23 AM, BookWoman56 said:

If you have diphallia or a micropenis, sure, bring that up on the second or third conversation, but don't lead with your dick. 

Thank you for sending me down a rabbit hole on Google for more information on what some men may need to share with me on the second or third conversation. 🤭

[possibilities]

https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-stop-detached-dating-and-create-real-connection

How To Stop Detached Dating And Create A Real Connection

[aradia22]

Quote

Gottman research has shown that 69% of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems. These problems cannot be solved as they are rooted in fundamental differences in upbringing, lifestyles, values, and personalities. They are not a matter of “right” and “wrong,” but rather “just different than what I am used to.”

So don’t try to change the person you are dating. But it’s important to understand where they’re coming from, and vice versa. Create a safe space to dialogue about the differences between the two of you early on. If you don’t, it can lead to gridlocked conflict which will cause emotional disengagement.

There’s nothing safe about avoiding conflict. How you manage conflict is more important than what you fight about.

From that article, I think this is a place I get stuck. And yet, I'm not sure talking through fundamental differences is the way through. Some fundamental differences are dealbreakers. I suppose it might be different if I felt such overwhelming chemistry that I was willing to put aside incompatible values but so far that hasn't happened. But I wish it was. I want to have fluttery feelings. 

[JTMacc99]

Ah online dating...

[DeLurker]

^^^ That is why I had my friend put References Required & References Available Upon Request on her Match profile!

[possibilities]

My reading of Gottman's materials (not just this article, but also others) is that developing intimacy despite differences is how you increase fluttery feelings, and also that it doesn't mean you overlook actual dealbreakers, but it paradoxically enables you to have more resources to deal with conflicts that arise that don't have to become dealbreakers but otherwise would.

For me, being allergic to cats is a dealbreaker because I'm not going to give up having cats and if you can't deal with fur and dander, we can't spend much time together. But there are things that seem like problems that might just be differences-- like you're into sports and want to talk about them a lot, and I don't care about sports at all. It can be a difference that works out because when you're connecting with the other person on a deeper level, it's easier to compromise and to take interest in their joys, or feel connected when not boring them with a topic they're bored by. So you can listen to them talk about sports and really enjoy their enthusiasm, and they can also give you a break sometimes and talk about something you're into and drop the sports gab. It's motivating and stimulates a sincere willingness to deal with the conflict when you feel a connection despite it. I think that's what Gottman's practices generally are driving at: how to connect and build a foundation that is strong enough to not be wrecked by inevitable differences, rather than hoping for the mythical perfection that's never going to hit a snag.

[aradia22]

I separate fluttery feelings from passion and love. For me fluttery feelings are just like... am I attracted to this person? Do I enjoy spending time with them? Are we able to flirt and make each other laugh? I don't know if I've been able to get to that place without any reservations or anything weird coming up like 'you just mentioned something in your past that seems like a big red flag' or 'I feel uncomfortable.' Like I'm not even looking to be swept up in romance. I just want to have a fun, happy normal date. I want to be really into someone and like things about them. I want to feel desirable. I want to have a good time with someone. 

The sports example is what I generally describe as not having things in common. It worries me to have nothing in common but I think you can work through that if you take interest in each other's interests. And it's also fine to have separate lives to some degree. When I say dealbreakers I mean 'are you a misogynist'? This is a big one and I am very good at ferreting it out. Based on my dating history, the results of my informal survey have been disappointing, especially of late. The big example is always James Carville and Mary Matalin but personally I just can't see myself handling political and ideological differences that well. I'm only getting more political and progressive. And it feels like men with similar values are already taken, are in open relationships looking for side pieces, or don't match with or message me on okcupid. 

I was on a different site (closed down now) before okc where I generally did not have to worry about misogyny with the guys I went out with. They were very sweet dates. I don't know if it was because I was younger or if it was just a different pool of guys. I do think about joining another site sometimes but I can't handle tinder and the other sites seem overly complicated. 

[Lantern7]

On the one hand, I wish that looking for the right woman wouldn't feel like applying for jobs online. On the other hand, the alternative is meeting people in person, and I don't feel confident doing that. Also, there's the feeling that most women probably wouldn't see me as anything more than a friend.

[possibilities]

I think the best way to meet people with the same politics is the join a group that's oriented to that, and be active in it. That's how you meet a pool of people who share your interests. A random search through randy people gives you much worse odds than something that's formed to work on a project or advocate for a cause.

[JTMacc99]

17 hours ago, possibilities said:

But there are things that seem like problems that might just be differences-- like you're into sports and want to talk about them a lot, and I don't care about sports at all. It can be a difference that works out because when you're connecting with the other person on a deeper level, it's easier to compromise and to take interest in their joys, or feel connected when not boring them with a topic they're bored by. So you can listen to them talk about sports and really enjoy their enthusiasm, and they can also give you a break sometimes and talk about something you're into and drop the sports gab.

Yep. If I am attracted to her heart, her kindness, her sense of humor, the way she sees things and the way she treats others, the connection can withstand a lot of other noise. 

I really enjoyed that article you linked. I think the keys are that a successful romantic relationship requires the couple to be friends, and to be friends, that is going to require trust and allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

All easier said than done of course, especially when you meet somebody online or another way that is practically a blind date the first time you get together. It takes time to get to know somebody, to develop trust. But it does happen. I dated one person, and because we were both open about our lives, our scars, we developed a nice level of trust. One of her very favorite things to do was to talk about politics. She felt VERY strongly about things. She had a whole 1,000+ member Facebook page to discuss it. I, on the other hand, don't really watch the news every day and pretty much never bring up the topic. 

But when we were on a date, she would sometimes want to talk about it. And I listened, and offered my thoughts, and I began to become really attracted to her passion. It was sexy... a big waste of energy and emotion, but sexy because she was being herself. It exposed her heart.

This is all a very interesting topic for me. 

On the one hand, a really good relationship is going to require everything I just talked about, but on the other hand how the heck are you going to get there if you can't find some things you both want to talk about right away? I think part of it would be to ask questions about what interests them, and then as they talk about their interests, be an emotional ninja and try to sneak around inside of their head and figure out WHY they find something so interesting. So while she's yada yada yada, blah blah blah about restoring old furniture like on Flea Market Flip, I'm trying to figure out why. What's going on in that head, that heart, that is driving that passion. And then when she gets me going on something I get excited about, I watch her face to see if she's doing the same thing back at me. Is she asking me more questions, even if the topic means nothing to her, or is she just nodding or even worse, saying "I don't get it."

[DeLurker]

@JTMacc99 - saw this headline and thought of you.  Aim high.

[theredhead77]

6 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

@JTMacc99 - saw this headline and thought of you.  Aim high.

Sigh. I hope Davidson is heeding guidance from his medical team and overall support system.

[JTMacc99]

6 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

@JTMacc99 - saw this headline and thought of you.  Aim high.

HAHAHA! During lunchtime I read that article and immediately posted it on Facebook with the following comment:

This is completely unacceptable. If anybody can get a message to Ms Beckinsale, please let her know that I'm available to grab a drink whenever she would like.

[aradia22]

Quote

I think the best way to meet people with the same politics is the join a group that's oriented to that, and be active in it. That's how you meet a pool of people who share your interests. A random search through randy people gives you much worse odds than something that's formed to work on a project or advocate for a cause.

I don't need an activist. I just don't need a shithead. 

But point taken. I should do that in general. I just don't think it's my path to meeting a significant other as much as maybe some new friends. :)