Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[Prairie Fire]

Did he ever try to contact the FOF again?

 

Jesus, I hope not. Although the person who told me the story (the F) thinks he was genuinely crazy, someone who actually thought that streaking at Fenway would impress his date.

[Sun-Bun]

I dated this guy from OKC for a few months. He seemed decent enough, a little weird, but ok. I didn't really like him, but my family (cousin mainly) kept telling me I could grow to like him. I honestly don't think she understands/stood how being single in NYC is. Anyhoos, once he started talking about his mother being his soul mate, that set off a few "Danger, Danger" alarms. I decided to break up with him. We got back to his place and he took his two birds out of the cage to fly around for a bit. We're on the couch, radiohead is playing, I'm trying to tell him that this isn't working and the birds are making swoop passes at my head while he's trying to make out. It was a bit surreal. Everytime I would go into detail about why we weren't a good fit, one of the birds would swoop down and I would have to duck for cover. At some point, a bird landed on his head. Meanwhile, his hands are all octopus-esque. I couldn't do anything buy laugh for the next five minutes. I couldn't get another word out, I just laughed and laughed and laughed. Every time I would try to start a sentence, I would just laugh some more.

I think someone should compile a book of internet dating stories.

Yeah, I'd feel weird about dating a dude with birds flying around his place too. Yikes...I love animals and critters, but I admittedly find some of their owners a little on the creepy side...

[ZaldamoWilder]

Met up with a guy from OKC for drinks - we spent about 3 hours chatting. I'm undecided about him.  He asked me out again, so we have tentative plans for next week.  I figure after the second date I can make a better determination on if I want to pursue this or not.

 

No great chemistry, but he didn't turn me off either.  He seems like a smart and nice guy.  He's a pre-school teacher and has a 4 year old daughter.  He also has another 12 year old daughter with the same ex, but she's not his.  He started dating the ex when the daughter was 6 months at the time.

 

He doesn't come off as very manly/macho.  Not that he's effeminate in any way.  I think I'm attracted to confident men who are a little cocky.  Maybe that's my problem.

 

It's just one girls opinion but I don't see it as a problem.  Confidence is good, maybe even a little cockiness.  Maybe, but depending on his personality cockiness teeters on arrogance and I haven't really seen that be too sexy yet.   You wanna tell us more about this guy, you know you do lol.  There's no there, there?  Look, I'm as realistic as the next chick but you want to want to [something] the man you're seeing.  Jump him, kiss him, lust him, talk to him.  Something.   If there's no something......<- you finish that ;)  I'm spitballing, if there is something, give us more to root for this dude.

 

If anyone wants an absolute horror story about an online first date that will make all your experiences seem not so bad by comparison....I've got one. Disclaimer: it's from a friend of a friend (FoF), so no first-hand confirmation that all details are accurate, but anyway....

 

FoF (female) lives in Boston and is a huge Red Sox fan. So is the guy she meets on Match.com. Naturally, their first date is at a weeknight Red Sox game at Fenway. Her company has seats, so she provides the tickets.

 

They meet at the game, and they seem to get along well at first. The conversation is flowing, they seem to have a few things in common, it's all good. Just one beer apiece, so no one's getting sloppy.

 

The only red flag in the conversation is when the guy talks about how he'd love to run onto the field during the game.

 

It starts out innocuously enough, almost sounding like a joke. Then the guy just won't let it go. He describes his plans in detail, explains how he thinks that night would be a great chance to do it, even mentions that he wants to do it naked. Apparently he did so in a very calm, matter-of-fact way as if he were describing making a stop at CVS on the way home. FoF gets progressively more uncomfortable, probably counting down the innings until the game ends and she never has to see him again, but thinking nothing of it otherwise. I assume all their neighbors overheard their convo too.

 

He then excuses himself to the men's room, and sure enough, within minutes, he's streaking onto the field and getting tackled by security.

 

I would probably avoid Match.com for 150 years if I were in FoF's shoes.

 

I think I just found out I'm officially a weirdo.  I would've thought this guy was hilarious.  I mean I wouldn't let him drive my car, but I'dve been way too curious to pass up a second date.

 

roses, I'm still giggling.  Did you tell that story on TWOP?  you being Tippi Hedren sounded so hilariously familiar!

[DkNNy79]

It's just one girls opinion but I don't see it as a problem.  Confidence is good, maybe even a little cockiness.  Maybe, but depending on his personality cockiness teeters on arrogance and I haven't really seen that be too sexy yet.   You wanna tell us more about this guy, you know you do lol.  There's no there, there?  Look, I'm as realistic as the next chick but you want to want to [something] the man you're seeing.  Jump him, kiss him, lust him, talk to him.  Something.   If there's no something......<- you finish that ;)  I'm spitballing, if there is something, give us more to root for this dude.

 

 

 

 

 

We went on our second date and it was okay, but just no romantic chemistry.  Also, I found out he's living at home.  Sorry, but I can't be dating someone who still lives at home when he's in his 30s.  He asked to see me again and I said no.  So back to the drawing board.

[DeLurker]

Yeah, I'd feel weird about dating a dude with birds flying around his place too. Yikes...I love animals and critters, but I admittedly find some of their owners a little on the creepy side...

I'd update your profile to note that if someone has birds, that needs to be discussed straight away!

[magicdog]

I found out he's living at home.  Sorry, but I can't be dating someone who still lives at home when he's in his 30s.  He asked to see me again and I said no.  So back to the drawing board.

 

It depends on why he's at home.  Is it due to financial reasons (divorce is expensive and he probably lost the house anyway) or had he never left home?   

 

I also don't put everything on "chemistry".  I agree with the recent online dating commercial (Zoosk?) in which love doesn't come first, first there's like.  Too many people get passed over in favor of imagined romance and non stop heart thumps when they don't seem to consider if they like someone or feel comfortable with them. 

 

I think I just found out I'm officially a weirdo.  I would've thought this guy was hilarious.  I mean I wouldn't let him drive my car, but I'dve been way too curious to pass up a second date.

 

I guess that makes me Miss Boring because I'd definitely have ended the date the minute he took to the field naked.  Probably would have taken a cab home too - since he probably would have been in jail by that point.

[Qoass]

I had no chemistry with my last date but that may be my polite way of saying he bored me to death.

[ZaldamoWilder]

We went on our second date and it was okay, but just no romantic chemistry.  Also, I found out he's living at home.  Sorry, but I can't be dating someone who still lives at home when he's in his 30s.  He asked to see me again and I said no.  So back to the drawing board.

I was about to add what magicdog did about extenuating circumstances but that can be really subjective.  If it's a divorce, then the issue isn't just oh, you live at home, it's how financially stable are you to even be dating.  Then the demographics.  I mean that means in order to be alone, we're always going to have to be at my house?  Or if I'm at yours, we won't be able to spend nights together out of respect for your parents?  Shit.  That's already draining the sexy equity we haven't even accumulated yet.   I was set up with a guy once who was really sweet but didn't drive (NJ is not a pedestrian state and our transit sucks).  On our date I asked him if he ever learned to and he said oh yeah, I know how to drive, I just can't right now.  Before that statement in my head it was already emasculating to imagine literally being the relationship navigator.   The girlfriend who set me up was like you didn't like him?  I said he was cool but if you're not able to drive....in New Jersey it's because your license has been revoked for one of two reasons, the state finds you too hazardous on the road or you're in child support arrears.  So yeah sometimes there's a legit excuse but sometimes despite it, you just don't owe it to him to give a shit.  

 

 

It depends on why he's at home.  Is it due to financial reasons (divorce is expensive and he probably lost the house anyway) or had he never left home?   

 

I also don't put everything on "chemistry".  I agree with the recent online dating commercial (Zoosk?) in which love doesn't come first, first there's like.  Too many people get passed over in favor of imagined romance and non stop heart thumps when they don't seem to consider if they like someone or feel comfortable with them. 

 

I love that commercial but it's leaving out that "like" is chemistry.  It needn't be romantic but there should be some basic interest that drives you to want to see each other at first (I'm speaking for me here).  Personally I think the coolest relationships I've ever seen began as friendships.  They both wanted to hang out is my long winded point.

 

I guess that makes me Miss Boring because I'd definitely have ended the date the minute he took to the field naked.  Probably would have taken a cab home too - since he probably would have been in jail by that point.

 

Lol! If this isn't sarcasm, I'd describe you as more normal and perceptive than boring.  If it was, fair enough, eccentricity isn't for everybody.

[DkNNy79]

He was living at home due to financial reasons, but not because of a divorce.  I'm sure he was living with the ex before that and probably moved back home when they broke up.  He's been a pre-school teacher for 8 years and they don't make much (I think I make 2x more).  He's looking to go back to school and get his teaching degree so that he can teach elementary school.  So if that happens, he's going to be living at his parents for awhile.  We don't live that close together, probably a good 45-60 minutes away (where we work is about 20-25 minutes away, so both times we met after work).

 

So, taking all of that into consideration, plus the fact that he didn't do anything for me physically and his personality was just okay, I had to cut him loose.

 

There has to be a spark.  The longest relationship I had was with a guy who wasn't really my type and he was just okay looking, so I wasn't in lust with him.  But he was funny, had personality and I just wanted to be around him.

[ZaldamoWilder]

There has to be a spark.  The longest relationship I had was with a guy who wasn't really my type and he was just okay looking, so I wasn't in lust with him.  But he was funny, had personality and I just wanted to be around him.

 

This.  Yesterday I came across an old NYT article about how attraction, long term, good stuff isn't made so much from physical appeal as it is from what you like overall about the other person.  Things you find out the longer you know them.   I thought it was pretty cool

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/30/science/for-couples-time-can-upend-the-laws-of-attraction.html

 

Dk have you ever done speeddating?  If so, what'd you think?   Would you describe yourself as flirty or reserved or is it situational?  Like if you ran into a cute dude, no ring, in a place where you weren't expecting to have to be social, would it be easy for you to let him know he was attractive or...?

[Sun-Bun]

When I first met my husband, I liked him strictly as a friend from the start---he was just so funny and so easy to talk to, just easygoing and comfortable and knowledgeable about interests/topics we shared.

The physical attraction actually came a bit later...I wasn't really "into" him like a romantic partner until I got to know him much better, aka we took a trip together and realized we're even better travel buddies. 8 happy years later, and I'm so glad I decided to be patient and let the relationship just develop and unfold on its own.

So as much as people buy into "chemistry", I wish more people would realize that true love often has its own schedule. It's easy to fall in love with someone, but falling into friendly "like" is so important too---your partner should be your best friend, after all!

[DkNNy79]

Dk have you ever done speeddating?  If so, what'd you think?   Would you describe yourself as flirty or reserved or is it situational?  Like if you ran into a cute dude, no ring, in a place where you weren't expecting to have to be social, would it be easy for you to let him know he was attractive or...?

I've never done speed dating.  I have friends who have done it and from what they tell me it was mostly girls there.  So that worries me a bit, but I think I would be up for it.  I have no game.  I am really shy, especially when it comes to a guy I really like or am attracted to.  I have a problem initiating conversation, but once it gets started I'm fine.

[ZaldamoWilder]

Oh no honey, it wasn't a recommendation lol, I was just wondering if you'd tried it.  If there are more women than men, already it seems like it might be perfectly good waste of a Friday night.   

 

Introductions are tough.  They needn't be smooth though.  Literally bump into a man then include something dramatic in your apology.   So sorry, I could've sent you to the hospital just then.   There's no way to mess this up, if you're smooth, awesome, if you're awkward, even better for authenticity but this silly little bit of theater does have a few advantages.  Depending on how damsel in distress-y you are, you've just given both of you an excuse to casually touch each other, you know, because you need to hold onto his arm for *cough* support.  Then his verbal response should tell you whether or not he's got a sense of humor.  Finally, it also gives him an excuse to initiate and stay in the conversation with you.   According to the last (tic tac?) commercial I saw, 67% of people could use an excuse to talk to the person next to them.  If that's a real statistic, 6 out of the last 10 dudes who were interested in you wanted to say something but didn't.  Can we please help em out?  Don't laugh, it sounds dumb as hell (and it is) but it's effective.  I've been the bumper and bumpee.  For obvious reasons, please don't execute this move in a coffee shop.  Lol.    The car wash and Home Depot make good practice spots.

Edited July 28, 2015 by ZaldamoWilder

[DkNNy79]

Ha ha.... You need to write a book.  I would totally buy.

[ZaldamoWilder]

lol!  thanks.  better minds have beat me to it. 

[roseslg]

ZaldamoWilder, I did tell that story on TWOP.   The birds were the least of his problems.   Ran into him a few months after at one of those OKC live dating events (where someone who you rank highly with would be there).  I couldn't remember what his real name was.  Went with a friend and she could only remember his name as birdman too.     This was the first time my friend was meeting him.  Right after he left she asked me what in the hell was wrong with me.   Met a guy there, he was 10 years younger than me... had one great date, nothing after that.   

 

I've never done the speed-dating, but there was this NYC, liberal mixer thing that I went to in Brooklyn one time.  I was invited on the day off, so I wasn't really dressed up (casual work environment);  I go and it's a total meat market.  I never went to any more of those.  You would be chatting up some guy and someone would walk by with some cleavage and there goes the guy.   At least the drinks were free.  

 

Don't get me started on dating off of Craigslist.   

[DkNNy79]

One of my friends invited me to a speed dating event on Sunday, but I'm out of town.  If I wasn't away, I would've gone just to see how it was. 

 

I would be scared to date someone off of craigslist.

[DeLurker]

I would be scared to date someone off of craigslist.

It is a Lifetime movie scenario.  Those should be avoided on general principle.

[ZaldamoWilder]

ZaldamoWilder, I did tell that story on TWOP.   The birds were the least of his problems.   Ran into him a few months after at one of those OKC live dating events (where someone who you rank highly with would be there).  I couldn't remember what his real name was.  Went with a friend and she could only remember his name as birdman too.     This was the first time my friend was meeting him.  Right after he left she asked me what in the hell was wrong with me.   Met a guy there, he was 10 years younger than me... had one great date, nothing after that.   

 

I've never done the speed-dating, but there was this NYC, liberal mixer thing that I went to in Brooklyn one time.  I was invited on the day off, so I wasn't really dressed up (casual work environment);  I go and it's a total meat market.  I never went to any more of those.  You would be chatting up some guy and someone would walk by with some cleavage and there goes the guy.   At least the drinks were free.  

 

Don't get me started on dating off of Craigslist.   

 

BWAHAAAAAAAAA!!!

 

The meat market thing is unfortunate.  I think it's a sign of the times.  And a flood of inventory, it doesn't really matter the quality.  There are so many single women available right now that there's no incentive whatsoever for the guys to choose substance over style. Even when he doesn't have to choose between them and you have both.   Which sucks because I don't know how many men I've heard say, I was so surprised to find out we didn't have anything in common or other than physical chemistry, it was meh.  You know her cup size but not her exact eye color and it didn't work out?  Really bro? 

 

I don't know what it's like in other markets but in a city like NY, we really have to be willing to create the opportunities.  Nobody who lives here ever met their husband or wife because they smiled at them in the street.  You pass a New Yorker smiling and your instinct is to hand him a dollar.   Everybody, c'mere, huddle up!  You go somewhere every day.  I want ya'll to pledge to make contact with one somebody, any somebody you find attractive once every day.  Hands in the middle, on 3, ready?  1, 2, 3:  make it happen!  now get back out on that field!

 

This isn't strictly anthropological, I want some real results.  :D

 

Echoing co-posters.  Craigslist is a no.  There's a fairly well known case of a kid, well educated, from a "good" family, handsome moneyed dude, who got his kicks out of meeting women this way and then murdering them for sport.   He was engaged at the time.  That life sentence kinda messed up his wedding plans.  Of course, it's risky meeting a stranger, period, so the moral of the story here, is always in public and get to know who you're dealing with.  Background checks and police records are about $8 on the interwebs.   Also, reverse phone # lookups.  Spokeo.com.   

 

I don't know how our parents ever did it.

[roseslg]

Well, in my defense, this was before Craigslist got totally creepy.  Pre- dick shots.   Some of them were awful, but nothing was lifetime movie worthy.   My cousin, God bless her, met two of her last three boyfriends either in the supermarket or walking down the road.   Mind you, these men were not prime material, but it's doable.   Her first, we would call him "Short foot, big hem"( island folks are just mean); the second was basically a grifter.   They were supposed to get married but thankfully she wizened up.   She had to pay him to pick their kid up from school.  She fronted money for his failing business.  He moved his mother and his brother in to live with them.  She finally sold the house (that he wanted to stay and manage) and moved to Austin from Brooklyn.   Girl never did had much sense.  

 

 

Church?  

[ZaldamoWilder]

Twofold. 

 

Church as in wasn't that some damn testimony for you?  or good place to meet a dude? 

 

because hell yes and it's highly individual.    (just my experience) the only men I've ever come across in church are

 

a) married

b) not heterosexual

c) scheming on meeting a woman in church

 

Don't get me wrong, plenty of men love the Lord, but 90% of em don't care enough about fellowship to give up sleeping in and pre-season kick offs.  If there is one of these rare specimens in attendance, Mother Henrietta is already auditioning him in her mind for son in law.   We've gotta go where the men are or where they're gonna be because expecting em to show up where we are leaves us hanging out with each other lol.

 

1. car wash

2. home depot

3. Modell's

4. autozone

5. shoe shine spot

6. gamestop

7. cigar bar

8. beer & billiards

9. any sporting event on any given night.  baseball lasts for damn near 10 months out of the year, 1/2 of those months are warm weather, tickets start at $17.   What's our excuse people?? Lol!

 

I have a little sister, cute as a button, funny as hell, education off the charts.  36 years old.  Dating here and there, but nothing of note.  We were talking about how difficult meeting people is, anywhere.  She said what would you do?  I said if I were you? You're gonna hate this but  quit dressing like Charlotte York and sex it up.   She was horrified.  Because that's piggish and chauvinistic and baby her clothes are the truth ok, really well made expensive shit.  But her demographic is too visceral to give a damn about a well made cardigan.   Watchyall look like when you go out?

[magicdog]

Maybe your sister should try an introduction service - a matchmaker.  It's more expensive than online dating but maybe she'd have better luck.  Actually, from what I've heard, many of them don't charge the woman much if anything .

 

Meeting available and decent men is really hard here - so hard in fact my teenaged niece is already spouting the best guys are already taken.  I've tried work, singles parties, church (no gays that I can recall, but lots of old men (80+) and a few hopeful widows) and the internet.  Unfortunately, I'm getting ready to call it a day.  Someone is trying to tell me something.

[MyAimIsTrue]

A few years ago while a member of Match.com I received an email from a guy who was considerably older than me.  I would always reply to emails received because I thought it was the right thing to do so I explained to the guy that I was looking for someone closer to my age and I wished him well.  Oh boy did that set him off.  I'm sorry I didn't save a copy of what he wrote back because it was epic but he essentially said that he felt and acted younger than his age (which doesn't take away from his actual age) and he'd received NINE other emails that same night from girls who were prettier than me so he was going to talk to them instead.

 

Okay then!  I laughed for days.

[roseslg]

I've some of the men trolling home depot.... no thanks :).   Everyone now and again when I was on a flight, I would read those ridiculous ads for the lunch-time match-making service.   Unfortunately, I don't have 5-10k set aside for man hunting.

 

I once met a guy who my friends and I referred to as Communist Seth.   He wasn't a communist, just lived on a commune on Staten Island.   He was quite a bit older than I was (closer to my mother's age), but he seemed nice and was definitely a lot more with it than I was (biked everywhere, yoga'ed etc).    I was willing to give it a try.    Maybe the desperation was setting in.  He had just started online dating and loved it.  He loved meeting all these new people, blah, blah, blah.   I couldn't roll my eyes hard enough at that one.     Needless to say, he found someone who his spirit connected with more (his exact words).   Hopefully, he left the commune.   

[ZaldamoWilder]

Maybe your sister should try an introduction service - a matchmaker.  It's more expensive than online dating but maybe she'd have better luck.  Actually, from what I've heard, many of them don't charge the woman much if anything .

 

Meeting available and decent men is really hard here - so hard in fact my teenaged niece is already spouting the best guys are already taken.  I've tried work, singles parties, church (no gays that I can recall, but lots of old men (80+) and a few hopeful widows) and the internet.  Unfortunately, I'm getting ready to call it a day.  Someone is trying to tell me something.

 

You mean like a Patti Stanger type? I love the idea, but she wants *their story* to be more rom-com ish.   They locked eyes across a crowded room and in that instant, he somehow knew she was the one.  Listen. Her ovaries don't have time for Chanel commercials and shit but I'm not one to dash the kid's fantasy, you know?  I just hope she can relax about it enough so that it's not the end of the world if she's the last in her squad to walk down the aisle.  1/2 of them are divorced or married a dude they knew they had no business rocking with in the first place. 

 

Oh no!  Please don't give up.....look, the part before you meet a decent guy, ok it sucks lemons. Hard.  It does.  But once you do find each other all that frog kissing and bird flapping (looks at roseslg lol) will have been worth it. 

 

I giggled but it gives me the sads to admit that baby niece might have a point.  There's a speech by a Nigerian feminist named Chimamanda Adichie which contains this blurb:  "We raise girls to see each other as competitors not for jobs or accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men....... Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same?"

 

I love and hate that excerpt.  It illustrates the point that while partnership is a priority for women, it remains an option for men.  They can sunbathe languishing in the freedom of taking their time {{kanyeshrug}}, whereas, physiologically, we just don't have the same choice, typically. Hell I could be making it deeper than it is and that's just one woman's opinion but I agree with her.  

 

Ok, enough mellow harshing lol.  I still wholeheartedly believe in the possibility, even probability of finding your real love but I also believe it involves a healthy dose of the willingness to look and/or sound downright stupid sometimes.  

 

A few years ago while a member of Match.com I received an email from a guy who was considerably older than me.  I would always reply to emails received because I thought it was the right thing to do so I explained to the guy that I was looking for someone closer to my age and I wished him well.  Oh boy did that set him off.  I'm sorry I didn't save a copy of what he wrote back because it was epic but he essentially said that he felt and acted younger than his age (which doesn't take away from his actual age) and he'd received NINE other emails that same night from girls who were prettier than me so he was going to talk to them instead.

 

Okay then!  I laughed for days.

 

I heart this.  A lot of people online are already so primed to expect rejection that that's a nice thing to do.  I imagine it was also a difficult policy to adhere to at times lol.   They have to find a way to start auto linking basic accurate facts, it is getting messy as hell out there.  Like you should have to put in your driver's license # as i.d. so the system populates that into your profile when you create it.  I heard this was the #1 problem online and I don't understand it.   a. You're lying.  b. about something that (if I'm no longer in my child bearing years) just isn't that damn important.  Which means c. Now I have to sideye you about telling the truth at all.  Booooooo!  

 

I can't stop laughing at nine girls prettier than you, LMAOOOOO!!!    I bet they don't like liars either so good luck with that ya nutbag, you messaged me.  

 

It gets better you guys, I promise.

I've some of the men trolling home depot.... no thanks :).   Everyone now and again when I was on a flight, I would read those ridiculous ads for the lunch-time match-making service.   Unfortunately, I don't have 5-10k set aside for man hunting.

 

I once met a guy who my friends and I referred to as Communist Seth.   He wasn't a communist, just lived on a commune on Staten Island.   He was quite a bit older than I was (closer to my mother's age), but he seemed nice and was definitely a lot more with it than I was (biked everywhere, yoga'ed etc).    I was willing to give it a try.    Maybe the desperation was setting in.  He had just started online dating and loved it.  He loved meeting all these new people, blah, blah, blah.   I couldn't roll my eyes hard enough at that one.     Needless to say, he found someone who his spirit connected with more (his exact words).   Hopefully, he left the commune.   

 

BWAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

[roseslg]

@ZaldamoWilder, your niece sounds like one of my dearest friends (he's gay).   He refused to do online dating, he wants a "story". The library, the supermarket, the park, he doesn't care.    He's 40! Get over it!  He wants kids and all of that, but sort of doesn't want to do any of the dirty work.   I mean, the last date he had was about 7 years ago, and I basically set him up at a party.    I mean, I set him up with a nice doctor and then he acts all nervous and freaky during the date.   Never again.  

 

I won't admit that I first heard Adichie's speech in listening to a Beyonce song, but I get what she's saying.  These days, it's not only women though who are taught to aspire to such things.  I think there is a certain subset of the gay community who aspire to that. 

 

While I am thankfully no longer dating and online dating worked for me, it's not something that's easy.  I was doing that shit for years upon years also the family set-ups (dude showed up to my cousin's house with his mother, his mother did all the questioning).    I am reminded of a scene in SATC where Charlotte said she was so tired of dating her hair hurt.    I had that so many times.   For those that had it happen by chance, good for you, but sometimes you have to just get in the muck and wade through it.  My best friend met her husband online about 7 years ago (though she tells folks they met in a bookstore).   

[ZaldamoWilder]

@ZaldamoWilder, your niece sounds like one of my dearest friends (he's gay).   He refused to do online dating, he wants a "story". The library, the supermarket, the park, he doesn't care.    He's 40! Get over it!  He wants kids and all of that, but sort of doesn't want to do any of the dirty work.   I mean, the last date he had was about 7 years ago, and I basically set him up at a party.    I mean, I set him up with a nice doctor and then he acts all nervous and freaky during the date.   Never again.  

 

I won't admit that I first heard Adichie's speech in listening to a Beyonce song, but I get what she's saying.  These days, it's not only women though who are taught to aspire to such things.  I think there is a certain subset of the gay community who aspire to that. 

 

While I am thankfully no longer dating and online dating worked for me, it's not something that's easy.  I was doing that shit for years upon years also the family set-ups (dude showed up to my cousin's house with his mother, his mother did all the questioning).    I am reminded of a scene in SATC where Charlotte said she was so tired of dating her hair hurt.    I had that so many times.   For those that had it happen by chance, good for you, but sometimes you have to just get in the muck and wade through it.  My best friend met her husband online about 7 years ago (though she tells folks they met in a bookstore).   

 

Please say you're making this part up.  Or, OR, the judges will accept that your family ran him and his mama up outta there because {{shudder}}.  They didn't feel like you'd endured enough after birdman??  Jesus.

 

Lol, clarifying - baby niece belongs to magicdog.  She's not the deluded one but if anybody should still be allowed delusion, it's a teenager ;)  No, the Disney princess I referenced is my 36 yo "little" sister.  She and your bestie, apparently, must feel that phantom stigma from saying they met online.  a. who still cares and b) why not increase the odds? Johnny Mathis says chances are your chances are...awfully good. 

 

I love love stories, when it's good ya'll make me swoon and gimme hope.  See there? and how many nights did you have of coming home thinking I could've really just had a damn V-8 before it happened? 

 

Lol @ Beyonce sample!!  Point is you heard it though right? lol!   Agree with you about the aspirations, selfishly I just want everybody to have the exact same sense of desperation lol!

Edited August 7, 2015 by ZaldamoWilder

[magicdog]

Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same?"

 

 

Actually, men were also primed for marriage - as well as a career/trade.  Back in the day, when a man wanted to have sex with the girl of his dreams, he typically had to marry her.  Women drew the line as to how far they were willing to go until they got the ring.   Men were willing to pay the price of commitment.  They settled down with that one woman.   Then, women were told they could do as they pleased and shouldn't have to wait for marriage.  Men took advantage, and today have turned into overgrown frat rats who don't have to commit to anyone for sex and companionship.  They just "hook up" and the booty comes calling!  Not to mention how marriage today is a dicey proposition for men now.      They have no reason to marry - they get all of the perks without that pesky commitment.

 

It breaks my heart that my niece thinks the way she does at such a young age.  When I was her age, I still had more than enough hope that Mr. Right would walk into my life someday and things would work themselves out.  Now I'm getting older and I can't help but think that if Mr. Right hasn't come by now, he never will.

 

Yet, a little piece of me keeps thinking it could still happen.

 

It just drives me nuts when I run into so many people who seem to have magically met their special someone with barely any effort - or were with their HS or college sweetheart and made it work. 

 

 

You mean like a Patti Stanger type?

 

Actually , Patti Novak happened to have relocated here a while back (the Buffalo matchmaker who also had a show)!

 

Truthfully, I was thinking of "upscale singles introduction services" like Kelleher.  

[ramble]

It breaks my heart that my niece thinks the way she does at such a young age. When I was her age, I still had more than enough hope that Mr. Right would walk into my life someday and things would work themselves out. Now I'm getting older and I can't help but think that if Mr. Right hasn't come by now, he never will.

Yet, a little piece of me keeps thinking it could still happen.

I'm with you in that I waffle back & forth. Although I'm getting old enough that I'd be ok with Mr. Pretty Good Whose Company I Enjoy Most Of The Time.

[MyAimIsTrue]

Don't ever give up hope.  I've been divorced for 10 years (turned 50 earlier this year) and after a slew of post-divorce bad and/or meaningless relationships followed by a long dry spell I'd pretty much given up on finding anyone and made peace with the fact that I could be alone yet still lead a very happy life.  And then in June, 2014, when I least expected it, I met The One. 

 

It can and will happen.

[Sun-Bun]

Don't ever give up hope. I've been divorced for 10 years (turned 50 earlier this year) and after a slew of post-divorce bad and/or meaningless relationships followed by a long dry spell I'd pretty much given up on finding anyone and made peace with the fact that I could be alone yet still lead a very happy life. And then in June, 2014, when I least expected it, I met The One.

It can and will happen.

Yep. I know it sounds lame, but when you're not looking and finally content and at peace with yourself, somehow The One finds you. It's happened to me and many others!

Granted, looking for The One is like sales---it's all about numbers, getting out there and being available and meeting folks and going places. Ain't nothing wrong with online dating either, but you do have to slog through a lot of bullshit to find a few diamonds in there.

[roseslg]

Ah, sorry for the confusion.  I blame it on pregnancy brain.  

 

I'm with you in that I waffle back & forth. Although I'm getting old enough that I'd be ok with Mr. Pretty Good Whose Company I Enjoy Most Of The Time.

I agree with this. I think some people's expectations are waaaaaay high.   Not to say you should settle, since my family was always trying to get me to date someone longer than I should because they thought my standards were too high, but some folks  that I know, won't consider anyone who on paper doesn't fit whatever they think they want.  The older you get, I hope the more you would know what your deal breakers are.   My husband and I have admitted to each other that when we wrote our profiles, we were not the person the other person had in mind, but then we talked, we met, and the rest is history.   

 

It is a numbers game.   I think a lot of folks are not all that good with math :). I seriously want to shake my friend who refuses to do anything I suggest to him, but complains and complains. We are in gay mecca here and he wants it all to come to him.   We were in Baskin Robbins a few months ago and a gay couple came in with their two adopted kids.  He got so angsty and sad that we had to leave because he couldn't bear to see it all.   He reasoned it wasn't fair that they had this and he didn't.   I should put him on a time out.   

 

I do  have to admit that I do get sort of miffed when you hear all those stories about people who just happen to meet and hit it off and then that was that, no looking, no slogging through blind dates and set-ups and internet profiles.   I guess we can't all be lucky.  

[ZaldamoWilder]

Actually, men were also primed for marriage - as well as a career/trade.  Back in the day, when a man wanted to have sex with the girl of his dreams, he typically had to marry her.  Women drew the line as to how far they were willing to go until they got the ring.   Men were willing to pay the price of commitment.  They settled down with that one woman.   Then, women were told they could do as they pleased and shouldn't have to wait for marriage.  Men took advantage, and today have turned into overgrown frat rats who don't have to commit to anyone for sex and companionship.  They just "hook up" and the booty comes calling!  Not to mention how marriage today is a dicey proposition for men now.      They have no reason to marry - they get all of the perks without that pesky commitment.

 

It breaks my heart that my niece thinks the way she does at such a young age.  When I was her age, I still had more than enough hope that Mr. Right would walk into my life someday and things would work themselves out.  Now I'm getting older and I can't help but think that if Mr. Right hasn't come by now, he never will.

 

Yet, a little piece of me keeps thinking it could still happen.

 

It just drives me nuts when I run into so many people who seem to have magically met their special someone with barely any effort - or were with their HS or college sweetheart and made it work. 

 

 

 

 

 

Actually , Patti Novak happened to have relocated here a while back (the Buffalo matchmaker who also had a show)!

 

Truthfully, I was thinking of "upscale singles introduction services" like Kelleher.  

 

Adichie's a 30 something post feminist-era writer.  While you're right about how it used to go historically (those were some good old days huh :D) contextually she's referring to the parents of the children of the generation she grew up and now they themselves as parents.  You said the same thing essentially, she's just more present day specific.  Today's boys aren't willing to pay the price of commitment because today's girls no longer assign a price to it.  Damn that women's movement!   Nonetheless, I focused on the angle of her statement that caught my ear, when her larger question is not why don't we teach men to aspire to marriage, but rather why don't we teach girls not to?  If it weren't anybody's primary focus it would be equally unimportant to all of us.  Way OT, sorry.

 

I loved some of the advice Patti handed out, she was spot on about most of it, I wish they'd bring her show back and maybe expand it a little, Buffalo seems like a tiny market to base a dating show around.

 

Upscale singles introduction as a description - you don't know how badly I want to click that link lol!  I'm at work, so it'll have to keep.  It sounds like a great idea, if it were a matter of exposure I think she'd try it but again, *story*. 

 

Lol I'm lightweight sad that it bums ya'll to hear/see people who met without trying.  Why, do you think?  It makes sense that your most  receptive state is when your guard's subconsciously down, no? 

 

What do ya'll think about arranged marriages?

[roseslg]

Oh, I remember watching that show that was centered in Bufallo.  She gave good advice to some of those morons.  Bravo-Patty never gave any advice that wasn't sex it up.  The woman was always the one expected to try and cater to whatever appealed to the man.   I work in an office filled with millenials and I think they are as confused about the whole dating thing as ever before maybe even more.   From this small sample it seems as though the women's movement is regressing.   It's never about what they want.  Maybe it's just in NYC.  I hope so.

 

 

I would to an arranged marriage if I trusted who did the arranging.  No one I'm related to would be qualified to arrange anything for me.   

[ZaldamoWilder]

No one I'm related to would be qualified to arrange anything for me.

 

ROTFL!!! Hilarious!!!!!  Really though? before mr. roses, you think you could've "grown to love" a dude you didn't know?

 

Oh I'm definitely guilty of being in the sex it up camp (in terms of looks not necessarily actions) because it's never gonna be about what we want as long as what we want is their last name.  All they want is us, which we've proven they can have without making matrimony, commitment or exclusivity a condition.  It almost sounds transactional.  

[roseslg]

Well, I had some hope for my cousin, but that went out the window when she tried to set me up.  I guess I could've grown to love someone.   Alcohol can do wonders.   I once had this dude who I actually saw on the subway platform and then he found me on OKC, start talking about how nothing was more beautiful than when a woman was dressed up and wearing heels and had long, straight flowing hair.  Transactions indeed.  

 

Of course, I then went on lecture him about western ideals of beauty and all of that. 

[magicdog]

What do ya'll think about arranged marriages?

 

If my parents were doing the arranging, I'd have trusted them implicitly.  I have no doubt that they would have found a good man for me who had the right temperament/characteristics to compliment mine. 

 

As I posted earlier, too many people today have a romantic image of "love" and not what true love is in a marriage.  I could marry someone I liked and respected and if I knew he liked and respected me.  Both of those are part of true, lasting love.  Love grows over time, not at first sight or because your heart skips a beat.

 

 

 

I work in an office filled with millenials and I think they are as confused about the whole dating thing as ever before maybe even more.   From this small sample it seems as though the women's movement is regressing.   It's never about what they want.  Maybe it's just in NYC.

 

Nope.  Plenty of that going on here too.  In fact, most don't bother with marriage - they just skip to shack up, spawn with a few girlfriends, get tattooed with their latest baby mama's name (that's commitment you see!) and/or a tattoo of a photo of their kid(s).  No one knows much about courtship anymore - all they know is the hook up culture.  Since many of them come from parents who also were divorced or never married, they have no good examples to follow.  My parents were married for 46 years (till mom's death 4 years ago) and it's their relationship that set a good example of what kind of marriage I aspire to have.

Edited August 10, 2015 by magicdog

[MyAimIsTrue]

I once had this dude who I actually saw on the subway platform and then he found me on OKC, start talking about how nothing was more beautiful than when a woman was dressed up and wearing heels and had long, straight flowing hair.  Transactions indeed.  

 

Years ago while at a car rental agency the guy on line behind me recognized me from my profile on JDate.  I wasn't creeped out because he was rather charming but we both knew we weren't a match for each other so I set him up with a friend.  They went out a few times and had some laughs.

[roseslg]

MyAimisTrue, I've also seen guys I've "rated" at other random places.  It's always strange when you run into someone from your virtual world in the real world.   For the kajillion of people who live in NYC it is very small sometimes.   

[ZaldamoWilder]

^ I was about to say that exact thing and how it must've been some kinda weird to be found by subway dude later on.  I ran into the park and ride lot attendant at the walmart a few months ago and he said a superfriendly hi B!  I had no idea who he was.  And I see him every day. lol.

 

squash where is the "from there" in your story?  I'm vicariously horrified, why can't this girl get married after 30?  damn. 

[roseslg]

@ZaldamoWilder, don't you know that women are not as fresh after 30?  I could be completely wrong, but in so many cultures, once you are past a certain age, you are no longer of marriageable age (only if you're a woman).  I was once in a taxi cab in Amman and he was hitting on me hard.  Of course, there was no chance of anything happening, but once he found out I was 35, all of his talking and flirting shut down!   I guess my uterus would be too old?  I dunno.   

[ZaldamoWilder]

roses you have the best stories!!  poor cab driver.   the only thing that would make that better is pictures.  I bet he was 90.    marriageable age.   I can't even.  Clearly all your useful parts were about to rust out.

 

The over there is India. They have to find a husband whose family originates from the same hometown in India as they did. If they come from ABC, India, the prospective husband has to come from ABC, India. He can live here but he has to be from the same hometown in their country. There is a bunch of criteria that has to be met. She is getting close to the cutoff age. 

 

If you think about it, the man is just as limited as the woman, wouldn't you say? He can't choose either. I am not sure if there is an age limit on the man. I am going to get my worser half to find out.

 

I dunno, you mean culturally? I can't say but if all other things are equal (I'm giggling, I just heard it.  Equality in India. lol) but ok let's say because his family does the picking on his behalf as well, I would think a culture like that that's highly paternalistic, damn near paleolithic, I'm with you I'm guessing it's win win for him no matter what.   I'm still trippin that her brothers get to choose.  No thanks.  If I remember this properly (60 minutes maybe) it's one of a handful of countries where you can legally light your wife on fire or some other charming shit.  The fascinating thing is that the woman consents.  Like you can't literally force someone to marry against their will so I've always wondered what happens if she tells her people peace out bitches.  See you at Thanksgiving.  Or not.  Shunned and excommunicated but happily married to like Steve from Massapequa.   I'd watch that show.

[DeLurker]

@ZaldamoWilder, don't you know that women are not as fresh after 30? I could be completely wrong, but in so many cultures, once you are past a certain age, you are no longer of marriageable age (only if you're a woman). I was once in a taxi cab in Amman and he was hitting on me hard. Of course, there was no chance of anything happening, but once he found out I was 35, all of his talking and flirting shut down! I guess my uterus would be too old? I dunno.

There's a best by stamped on you somewhere.

[roseslg]

Dude was probably about 27, lived with his family and looked as though he smoked three packs a day (the cab smelled like it too).   I guess a ticket to America is not worth someone who is past 30.   Lucky me!!!

 

I figure that even though I had many a dating horror, at least I got some stories out of it.   At least.   

[Sun-Bun]

I have a friend who is dealing with the ongoing annoyances of online dating, and I feel so badly for her after hearing some of her ongoing annoyances with it.

The latest was what I like to refer to as the disappearing sociopath. He seemed like a very nice, respectable guy---a chef for a retirement facility, very gentlemanly and polite, tattooed, fit and enlightened...and he and my friend had what she thought was the perfect dinner date.

He was kind and charismatic and they had similar backgrounds, he told her how beautiful he thought she was and she said she felt good sparks with him as well...he took her home and they shared a nice kiss and immediately agreed to go on another date. He even texted her that night saying what a nice time he had and he couldn't wait to see her again, even offering to give her a lift to meet a girlfriend of hers downtown for a show. Texted her for three days afterwards, it all seemed swell and she said she "had a good feeling about this one".

And then he suddenly cancelled out on their original second date and rescheduled for a few days later...and then...nothing. No calls, no texts, no nothing...he just disappeared.

He totally "ghosted" my friend. I know it's easier to do that than simply telling someone, "I'm sorry, I just decided to move on and don't care to pursue this anymore", but still, how cowardly and unchivalrous.

My friend has since blocked him from her accounts period in sheer annoyance, but still, I knew that had to sting...it seems so cruel, especially when he pursued her so fervently from the start!

[magicdog]

He even texted her that night saying what a nice time he had and he couldn't wait to see her again, even offering to give her a lift to meet a girlfriend of hers downtown for a show. Texted her for three days afterwards, it all seemed swell and she said she "had a good feeling about this one".

 

 

 

I think she may have ended up with a guy who may have been married or otherwise involved with someone else and he's juggling dates.  I do agree it was wrong for him to make plans for the second date only to break them and not call again.  Good that she blocked him and moved on.  I hate it when you have such a good time with someone at last and think it might go somewhere only for them to never call again and leave you wondering why.  We deserve an explanation.

[MyAimIsTrue]

And then he suddenly cancelled out on their original second date and rescheduled for a few days later...and then...nothing. No calls, no texts, no nothing...he just disappeared.

He totally "ghosted" my friend. I know it's easier to do that than simply telling someone, "I'm sorry, I just decided to move on and don't care to pursue this anymore", but still, how cowardly and unchivalrous

 

I used to call this a silent brush off and agree it's the cowardly way out.  Guys seem to be afraid of confrontation.

[ZaldamoWilder]

Sun-Bun, I never knew it had a name. 

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/26/fashion/exes-explain-ghosting-the-ultimate-silent-treatment.html?_r=0

 

What a shitty, cowardly thing to do.

There's a best by stamped on you somewhere.

 

still giggling!  LOL!!

[JAYJAY1979]

I finally gave up on the gay apps, just not the right forum for me in regards to dating.

 

http://www.chicagonow.com/confessions-coffeeholic/2015/08/grindr-gay-man-tinder-given-up/

[yourstruly]

 

 

I also don't ever get messages on gay dating apps. Or if I get any there are mostly by spam bots. Maybe someday the technology will be so advanced that it's possible to date a spam bot. But what do I do until then, man?

Anyhow, someone wake me up when gay dating has become easier. I just want some like-minded dude who cuddles with me. Is that too much to ask? :(

Increasingly yes, it is too much to ask for apparently. Sorry.

 

I have noticed that I can tell the Grindr bots by their one word messages and if you check their profile, their height is listed as like 2'3" or something that does not correspond with any picture they have. I don't see bots anywhere but Grindr, which is yet another reason to ditch it.

I pretty much go on Grindr and Scruff just to reconfirm how hopeless the "gay scene" (whatever the hell that is) has become. Just a little top off every few days.