Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[isalicat]

2 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

My sister is very understanding (a little too much so) when it comes to her boyfriend’s mental health and lack of $ due to no job for several years.

On the other hand, she has never cared about my mental health issues that stole much of my life, that our parents never got me help as a kid (unlike his) and she thinks just because I have a job that I should say yes to all the expensive stuff she wants to do. She likes to pressure me to do all these expensive things-trips, music festivals, concerts, etc. I can afford some of it, but I do not make her kind of money. I don’t own a home yet either. She’ll try to pressure me into going to things I don’t even have a big interest in and makes me feel like this huge party pooper when I say no to anything. 

Your sister is not your friend; you just happen to be siblings. Why not just hang out with your actual friends and tell your sister to go find other people to go to things with (like her deadbeat boyfriend)?

Remember: No one is making you answer her calls or spend time with her *except you*. "No" is a complete sentence and does not require any further elucidation. Intestinal fortitude must be continually cultivated and nurtured, and who better to practice on than someone who clearly doesn't care about who *you* are?

[RealHousewife]

3 minutes ago, isalicat said:

Your sister is not your friend; you just happen to be siblings. Why not just hang out with your actual friends and tell your sister to go find other people to go to things with (like her deadbeat boyfriend)?

Remember: No one is making you answer her calls or spend time with her *except you*. "No" is a complete sentence and does not require any further elucidation. Intestinal fortitude must be continually cultivated and nurtured, and who better to practice on than someone who clearly doesn't care about who *you* are?

I've gotten better about that but am still working on it. It was tough for a while when my social circle was tiny due to covid precautions. I am not as careful with that as I used to be and see more friends now. I declined hanging out with my sister on NYE even though that meant I would be alone. Also don't go to movies much with her anymore. I did also tell her she could go to these things with friends. It's just frustrating when your family is small and you wished they cared about you more than they do. I also get tired of reminding her I do not have her funds. You'd think she'd get tired of the reminder. 

I will work on getting better about saying no. 

[isalicat]

1 minute ago, RealHousewife said:

It's just frustrating when your family is small and you wished they cared about you more than they do

My family by blood is now: my son, a brother-in-law I have not seen for five years, and some cousins I haven't seen in many years. On the other hand, I have a large circle of friends both near and far, some of who I have been friends with for 50 years! and some much more recent but all very dear and close and reliable. Family is who steps up, who you can be honest with and will be honest with you, and who you can laugh and cry and celebrate and mourn with. My son and I are thankfully very close although we can only meet in person once or twice a year at best but I think considering someone your family just because they are related to you by birth is setting yourself up for disappointment.

[Bethany]

My sister just offered on the first house she will own (assuming it gets accepted).  She's so excited.  She's spent her life renting but with retirement in the offing she wants to be settled.  On the plus side the crazy prices seem to have calmed down - on the negative side it's not like the prices plunged back down to where they were a few years ago!  Anyway it is so nice to hear from her and be able to talk about something positive for a change!

[Leeds]

On 1/17/2023 at 6:05 AM, Cloud9Shopper said:

 

I would prefer a hybrid encouraged model or fully remote. Or maybe a company that required limited visits to the office. I’m up for a job now (no offer yet; the final interview is this week) that would require three days in office and does not allow fully remote work. I’d have to commute 2.5 hours each way until I could move so I’m hoping to get something else so I don’t have to drain myself every week. If I absolutely have to be on site frequently I’m more tolerant of local commuting. 

Is there any way you would be able to stay overnight locally between two of the days and give yourself at least some respite from the commute?

[Cloud9Shopper]

1 hour ago, Leeds said:

Is there any way you would be able to stay overnight locally between two of the days and give yourself at least some respite from the commute?

If I get an offer (I’m not expecting to but we’ll see) it would be worth looking into probably. I have family in the area. 

I just prefer not to think about it anymore unless the employer decides to offer me the job. 

[shapeshifter]

1 minute ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I just prefer not to think about it anymore unless the employer decides to offer me the job. 

Wise move!

But since I already typed:

1 hour ago, Leeds said:

Is there any way you would be able to stay overnight locally between two of the days and give yourself at least some respite from the commute?

When I was commuting 1 day a week for 8-hour, 1-day-per-week graduate school courses (from Sacramento to San Jose: 2 hours each way in good traffic; 4 hours in bad), I wound up choosing to drive down at 10pm the night before (very good traffic) and stay in a cheap-but-safe hotel/motel. Then, at the end of the 8 hours, I'd take a 10 minute nap in my car before driving home. Sometimes I'd stop at a rest area half-way to take another 10-minute nap. My car at the time was a Mazda with a front seat that laid down completely flat. 

 

[Bastet]

30 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

and stay in a cheap-but-safe hotel/motel

Probably easier in San Jose than NYC.

[shapeshifter]

3 hours ago, Bastet said:

Probably easier in San Jose than NYC.

Maybe? 
San Jose is part of the San Francisco Bay Area.  

[Bethany]

The difference between being a grandparent and being a parent: my 5 yr old granddaughter spent the day with me and I sat and watched, god help me, Shark Boy and Lava Girl, 3 times in a row.  I may never be the same again.  

[PRgal]

2 hours ago, Elizabeth Anne said:

The difference between being a grandparent and being a parent: my 5 yr old granddaughter spent the day with me and I sat and watched, god help me, Shark Boy and Lava Girl, 3 times in a row.  I may never be the same again.  

My son (4) is still obsessed with CocoMelon. But he often wants the same songs over and over again and went through a phase where he refused to watch anything with the Big Bad Wolf character in it.  

[stewedsquash]

ooooh okay lol

Edited January 31, 2023 by stewedsquash

[isalicat]

This is all typical toddler behavior - cling to the thing you know you like while the parents keep trying to introduce you to new stuff you might not like. My son watched "Aladdin" (Disney version with Robin Williams) about 1000 times at least back in day. Anything with Timon and Pumba was also on endless repeat. Thank goodness for Sesame Street and Mister Rogers and Thomas the Tank Engine. All positive influences that I was happy to watch as well. One big downside of your kids growing up is all this going away...

[PRgal]

6 hours ago, isalicat said:

This is all typical toddler behavior - cling to the thing you know you like while the parents keep trying to introduce you to new stuff you might not like. My son watched "Aladdin" (Disney version with Robin Williams) about 1000 times at least back in day. Anything with Timon and Pumba was also on endless repeat. Thank goodness for Sesame Street and Mister Rogers and Thomas the Tank Engine. All positive influences that I was happy to watch as well. One big downside of your kids growing up is all this going away...

The REAL version!!  Sorry, Will Smith isn’t the Genie

 

At his age, I was watching The Sound of Music ad nauseam - specifically, the “So Long, Farewell” scene.  I was also re-enacting the end of the song, where Gretl climbs up the steps backwards!

[Cloud9Shopper]

Just had to bite my tongue to keep myself from fighting with my mom on Facebook chat. This is the second time in my job search that she has gotten fixated on how she thinks I should take one specific job. She now is really into the idea of me possibly getting an admin job with a Catholic nonprofit (we are Catholics so I don’t really want this to turn into a discussion of religion bad) because we know people from church who work there and it’s a nice office environment. The problem, of course, is that it pays $35,000 a year and is fully on site. I don’t disagree it seems like a nice office but I feel so frustrated that she lives in some fantasy land where I can afford gas, dress clothes, plus bills and groceries for my apartment on that kind of salary. And my mom herself isn’t wealthy and does her share of complaining about how expensive everything is these days so you’d think she’d sympathize with my concerns. She almost seems upset that I would take a better paying job in a minute because “money isn’t everything” when these days, it is! 

I feel like I will just never get her to understand how I feel about work and my job search right now. She is so fixated on her fantasy for my life that she doesn’t care. Disheartening but it is what is. I wish I could get her to see reality of my situation. 

Edited February 8, 2023 by Cloud9Shopper

[PRgal]

 

11 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

Just had to bite my tongue to keep myself from fighting with my mom on Facebook chat. This is the second time in my job search that she has gotten fixated on how she thinks I should take one specific job. She now is really into the idea of me possibly getting an admin job with a Catholic nonprofit (we are Catholics so I don’t really want this to turn into a discussion of religion bad) because we know people from church who work there and it’s a nice office environment. The problem, of course, is that it pays $35,000 a year and is fully on site. I don’t disagree it seems like a nice office but I feel so frustrated that she lives in some fantasy land where I can afford gas, dress clothes, plus bills and groceries for my apartment on that kind of salary. And my mom herself isn’t wealthy and does her share of complaining about how expensive everything is these days so you’d think she’d sympathize with my concerns. She almost seems upset that I would take a better paying job in a minute because “money isn’t everything” when these days, it is! 

I feel like I will just never get her to understand how I feel about work and my job search right now. She is so fixated on her fantasy for my life that she doesn’t care. Disheartening but it is what is. I wish I could get her to see reality of my situation. 

It sounds like your mom doesn't understand how much things cost.  Does she do any of the shopping at home?  Do you live with a partner who also works?  Perhaps she sees the partner as the actual breadwinner and your salary is just a bit extra "on the side."  Or there's some inheritance/trust fund that you have and she thinks that's good enough for you to live on.  

[Mindthinkr]

Last night I had my brother and his wife over for his birthday dinner. I finally stood up for myself. There was a comment as in “Everyone in the family (17 of them) went to…” I stated that “No, the whole family didn’t go as you neglected to invite me”. Then my SIL mentioned that the whole family was going to ____ next. I was hurt and said “Oh, you mean the place you promised to go with me to 4-5 years ago?”  They got my point. I’m happy enough with that. 

[RealHousewife]

Those of you who've had a lot of issues with your parents and/or siblings, did it affect your romantic life? Sometimes when you've been hurt so badly by people, it makes you leery of getting close to anyone. Other times it makes me think, gosh I wish I had my own family, one where it's more love and kindness, not so much cruelty and drama.

[shapeshifter]

11 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Those of you who've had a lot of issues with your parents and/or siblings, did it affect your romantic life? Sometimes when you've been hurt so badly by people, it makes you leery of getting close to anyone. Other times it makes me think, gosh I wish I had my own family, one where it's more love and kindness, not so much cruelty and drama.

For sure. 
But I think I'm going to go take that hot bath I'm overdue for rather than unpacking it right now. 😉

[Bethany]

We had dinner with my sister-in-law and her husband yesterday.  It's always stressful but made worse on the occasions when we get together and she won't use her hearing aid. 

Talking to her last night as I tried to convey some family news reminded me of the scene from Roseanne where Jackie is on the phone trying to tell her Aunt Barbara that her father has died:

Jackie : [dials the phone]  I can't... Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie... Jack-key! I'm fine... Fine!... I'm fine!... I have some bad news... Dad is not with us anymore...

[slowly getting louder] 

Jackie : I said Dad has passed away... He's passed away!... Dad is gone!... Dad's dead!... He's dead!... NO, *DEAD!*... *DAD!*... He's fine! He sends his love! Bye!

Luckily the news I was trying to pass along was happy news.  She had asked about my sister so  I was trying to tell her that she had bought a house and that she will be living near my niece who recently started law school.  What felt like an eternity later I gave up.  Life is just too short to have someone who KNOWS she's hard of hearing and has a hearing aid but refuses to use it keep telling me "speak up" "you're taking too fast"  "what was that"...

I am not a drinking woman but I don't mind admitting  I downed that glass of Bailey's Irish Creme my daughter offered me pretty quickly!

[badhaggis]

On 2/9/2023 at 11:16 PM, RealHousewife said:

Those of you who've had a lot of issues with your parents and/or siblings, did it affect your romantic life? Sometimes when you've been hurt so badly by people, it makes you leery of getting close to anyone. Other times it makes me think, gosh I wish I had my own family, one where it's more love and kindness, not so much cruelty and drama.

Yes I had a lot of issues with siblings. Getting into my relationship with my husband helped me to finally tell them if they could not treat me better I neither needed nor wanted them in my life.  He helped me finally set healthy boundaries with them. 

I hope you are able to find your family. You deserve some happiness.

[stewedsquash]

I am glad that my two oldest sons who wear hearing aids and still struggle some to hear are surrounded by people who don't feel a need to mock them. It seems like hearing is one of the last disabilities that are still okay to make fun of. Wearing hearing aids are a personal choice. They have very good ones and still there is a stress factor to noise where they sometimes just take them off to regroup themselves. 

It is hard for people who can hear normally to understand but it does make a difference if you know the person can't hear to keep your voice up, talk a little slower and use your lips more to pronounce the words. 

[PRgal]

39 minutes ago, Elizabeth Anne said:

We had dinner with my sister-in-law and her husband yesterday.  It's always stressful but made worse on the occasions when we get together and she won't use her hearing aid. 

Talking to her last night as I tried to convey some family news reminded me of the scene from Roseanne where Jackie is on the phone trying to tell her Aunt Barbara that her father has died:

Jackie : [dials the phone]  I can't... Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie... Jack-key! I'm fine... Fine!... I'm fine!... I have some bad news... Dad is not with us anymore...

[slowly getting louder] 

Jackie : I said Dad has passed away... He's passed away!... Dad is gone!... Dad's dead!... He's dead!... NO, *DEAD!*... *DAD!*... He's fine! He sends his love! Bye!

Luckily the news I was trying to pass along was happy news.  She had asked about my sister so  I was trying to tell her that she had bought a house and that she will be living near my niece who recently started law school.  What felt like an eternity later I gave up.  Life is just too short to have someone who KNOWS she's hard of hearing and has a hearing aid but refuses to use it keep telling me "speak up" "you're taking too fast"  "what was that"...

I am not a drinking woman but I don't mind admitting  I downed that glass of Bailey's Irish Creme my daughter offered me pretty quickly!

Sounds like what happens when I talk to my mom sometimes.  Except she DOES wear hearing aids.  My dad claims that they're already of the best quality and they've been adjusted.  She's mostly reading lips and when she does, she squints her eyes and she, for a lack of a better term, looks scary/creepy.  I've asked her to text me if she wants to ask questions and get detailed answers.  She's very tech savvy - worked in IT in the 70s, 80s and early 90s, so she knows how.  

[shapeshifter]

3 minutes ago, PRgal said:

Sounds like what happens when I talk to my mom sometimes.  Except she DOES wear hearing aids.  My dad claims that they're already of the best quality and they've been adjusted.  She's mostly reading lips and when she does, she squints her eyes and she, for a lack of a better term, looks scary/creepy.  I've asked her to text me if she wants to ask questions and get detailed answers.  She's very tech savvy - worked in IT in the 70s, 80s and early 90s, so she knows how.  

Has she had her eyesight tested recently?

[Bethany]

1 minute ago, PRgal said:

I've asked her to text me if she wants to ask questions and get detailed answers.  She's very tech savvy - worked in IT in the 70s, 80s and early 90s, so she knows how.  

I wish I could do this with my SIL.  I have every sympathy for someone who is hard of hearing (sympathy lessens considerably when they have options to mitigate the loss and won't use them) Anyway my SIL's only bow to newer technology is a recently purchased DVD player.  No internet, no computer, no cell  phone, no microwave...the list goes on.  If only she would at the very least use a cell phone with text it would make both our lives easier!  

[theredhead77]

On 2/9/2023 at 10:16 PM, RealHousewife said:

Those of you who've had a lot of issues with your parents and/or siblings, did it affect your romantic life? Sometimes when you've been hurt so badly by people, it makes you leery of getting close to anyone. Other times it makes me think, gosh I wish I had my own family, one where it's more love and kindness, not so much cruelty and drama.

Yes. Therapy helped with resolving my issues with my childhood, helped me identify healthy ways to interact with my parents at this stage in life, identify why I would choose the losers I did in the past, and helped me become ready for a healthy romantic relationship.

[PRgal]

1 hour ago, shapeshifter said:

Has she had her eyesight tested recently?

Yes.  She doesn’t need a new prescription as far as I know.  My mom has been near-sighted most of her life and has had a high prescription since she was in elementary school. 

[RealHousewife]

2 hours ago, badhaggis said:

Yes I had a lot of issues with siblings. Getting into my relationship with my husband helped me to finally tell them if they could not treat me better I neither needed nor wanted them in my life.  He helped me finally set healthy boundaries with them. 

I hope you are able to find your family. You deserve some happiness.

Thank you so much. I like to think so. :)

[Bethany]

From the time my mother died my sister has not lifted one finger to help.  Not in anything.  Not in any way.  Today I've received a series of personal messages from her detailing which of my mother's possessions she and her children have decided they want.  I am expecting a follow up email asking me when I can arrange delivery 😒.

I am so angry right now that I have turned off FB and my phone and am just not dealing with this tonight.  Or, possibly ever.

 

 

Edited February 17, 2023 by Elizabeth Anne

[shapeshifter]

2 minutes ago, Elizabeth Anne said:

I am so angry right now hat I have turned off FB and my phone and am just not dealing with this tonight.  Or, possibly ever.

Excellent choice in these situations, IMO.

[Gramto6]

53 minutes ago, Elizabeth Anne said:

From the time my mother died my sister has not lifted one finger to help.  Not in anything.  Not in any way.  Today I've received a series of personal messages from her detailing which of my mother's possessions she and her children have decided they want.  I am expecting a follow up email asking me when I can arrange delivery 😒.

I am so angry right now that I have turned off FB and my phone and am just not dealing with this tonight.  Or, possibly ever.

 

 

I don't blame you for being angry. Especially if your sister has done nothing to help you during this difficult time. It makes me angry too! Smart to turn everything off and let her stew.

Personally I would not have anything delivered to her. If she wants something, let her come there and find the items and pack them herself and ship them herself. And while she is there, she can help you do some cleaning and anything else you need done. As far as I see, you are not her servant to gather and deliver items she wants. 

Was there a will leaving these items to her? She is still responsible for getting them...

Edited February 17, 2023 by Gramto6
added on to post

[Bastet]

2 hours ago, Elizabeth Anne said:

Today I've received a series of personal messages from her detailing which of my mother's possessions she and her children have decided they want.

Did your mother have a will/trust designating who gets what?  If not, and your father is still alive and they were still married at the time of her death, your mother's stuff is now his, and he can choose to give your sister things as gifts, but she's not entitled to anything just because she wants it.  If he's not/they weren't, it's split equally between you, her, and any other siblings.

Divvying up an estate can be quite ugly, especially intestate (without a will/trust).  If your sister has no claim, either via will/trust or intestate succession, ignore her as long as you want; certainly tonight, next week, next month, and possibly forever; screw her not helping and then coming up with a list of demands!  But if she does, you're going to have to deal with that claim, so enlist an estate lawyer to do it for you.  It's worth the money to make sure it's done equitably under the law, and so you don't have to interact with her.

Death so often brings out the very worst in people, even in families that wouldn't have expected it.  It's a shame.  My condolences on all of it.

[Mondrianyone]

I'd tell her your mom already gave those things away to people who loved her when they came to visit her while she was alive. And then 🖕 (the official state gesture of NY). Let her prove you wrong.

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, Mondrianyone said:

I'd tell her your mom already gave those things away to people who loved her when they came to visit her while she was alive. And then 🖕 (the official state gesture of NY). Let her prove you wrong.

Or a variation you can perhaps more easily live with:
"I think Mom already gave those things away. I'll have to get back to you on it."

And. Likely. Maybe. Sis drops it.

Edited February 17, 2023 by shapeshifter

[stewedsquash]

1 hour ago, shapeshifter said:

Or a variation you can perhaps more easily live with:
"I think Mom already gave those things away. I'll have to get back to you on it."

And. Likely. Maybe. Sis drops it.

Or…

she hightails it to your house and you open the door and say 

Psych!/Sike! made you look!

Edited February 17, 2023 by stewedsquash

[Bethany]

I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who responded to me about the situation with my sister.  All advice and commiserations were gratefully received!  Basically what I've done is nothing.  Well, nothing in terms of responding directly to my sister.  What I have done is spoken with my father. I didn't say that she had been in touch with a list of demands, I asked him if he had any ideas about what my mother would have wanted done with her more personal possessions.  That got him thinking about what to do with the furniture, dishware etc (including a car) that are in storage

Now it's over to him.  Which, of course, it always should have been!   If my sister brings this up again my response will be "Talk to Dad".  I just wish I'd thought of that at the time!  And thank you everyone for reminding me that these decisions are not hers to make, and they aren't, at the moment anyway, mine to make either!!

Edited March 1, 2023 by Elizabeth Anne

[methodwriter85]

My mom did her will recently. She is leaving her house to one sister and myself. Two other sisters got left out of that. (Although one is getting jewelry.) She's got a very solid reasoning for her (those two sisters didn't pay anything into her house while me and the one sister did) but man I'm dreading this conversation.

[Cloud9Shopper]

Family expectations are driving me nuts again. Not as bad as at Christmas but now with all the spring holidays coming. Normally this wouldn’t be a big thing but …my mom is graduating from college next month. I am happy for her of course but with that comes more conflict and heightened expectation. She knows I can’t attend the graduation ceremony because whoever books the venue for her school messed up and only could get it for a Friday afternoon instead of the Sunday it normally is. I’ll still be in probation for my job and they don’t want you to take time off during probation unless it‘s like an emergency or something, so I can’t go to the ceremony. Fair. I’m going to the Mass the night before (it’s a Catholic college and she and my stepdad and I are all Catholics so it’s cool) and out to dinner or to her party (if she decides to book a venue; I warned her she is running out of time with graduation and wedding season coming and venues will get booked up but she’s still hemming and hawing).

The problem is she is also strongly hinting that she wants me to attend the graduation Mass her church holds every year for the high school/college graduates from that church, and she doesn’t know the date yet. I told her that the choir at my church is singing the first weekend in June (it’s our last Mass before choir breaks for the summer), and now today I found out my dad’s family wants to have mine and my grandfather’s and Father’s Day celebrations out of town where my dad lives the second weekend in June. I can miss it but it would be odd to miss my own birthday party. I’m afraid I will have to deal with my mom’s wailing if I miss this Mass even though I’m already tied up the first two weekends in June when this Mass is likely to be. She normally understands my choir commitments but this time, she’s throwing up flags that she doesn’t want me to sing at my church if the graduation Mass is the same weekend I have choir. 

I also don’t know how I’ll deal with her if I have to go to my father’s family (he lives a 2.5-hour drive away; I pretty much can’t attend Mass and drive right down because I’ll need to come back the same day to be at work on Monday). I know graduation is a big deal but when I graduated college, some of the family came to the ceremony and I got one party. My mom expects me at three different functions for her graduation. I don’t know what, if anything, to forgo that will make her happy. 

 

[PRgal]

My son went to his first "drop off" birthday party (i.e. a birthday party where guests' parents do not stay) yesterday.  I have to admit that I was a bit nervous, since he's never been to a playdate or party where the adults are people he doesn't know (he's never played with the birthday kid outside of school).  I know some parents stayed in the area of the venue but we went home for the two hours since we weren't far away.  My son had an amazing time.  No calls or texts from the birthday kid's parents.  Never mind the sugar high after...that's expected.

[shapeshifter]

17 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

. . . My mom expects me at three different functions for her graduation. I don’t know what, if anything, to forgo that will make her happy. 

Is there any chance your mom is trying to offer you 3 different options to attend since she knows you have a full life and might not be able to attend just one specific date?
Even if that is not her conscious motivation for the 3 requests for your presence, you could say something to her about how glad you are that there *are* 3 different dates so you can at least attend [1 or 2].
Then she might even latch onto that perspective as a good thing. 
And, in reality, it does work that way for many family members.

[EtheltoTillie]

23 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

Family expectations are driving me nuts again. Not as bad as at Christmas but now with all the spring holidays coming. Normally this wouldn’t be a big thing but …my mom is graduating from college next month. I am happy for her of course but with that comes more conflict and heightened expectation. She knows I can’t attend the graduation ceremony because whoever books the venue for her school messed up and only could get it for a Friday afternoon instead of the Sunday it normally is. I’ll still be in probation for my job and they don’t want you to take time off during probation unless it‘s like an emergency or something, so I can’t go to the ceremony. Fair. I’m going to the Mass the night before (it’s a Catholic college and she and my stepdad and I are all Catholics so it’s cool) and out to dinner or to her party (if she decides to book a venue; I warned her she is running out of time with graduation and wedding season coming and venues will get booked up but she’s still hemming and hawing).

The problem is she is also strongly hinting that she wants me to attend the graduation Mass her church holds every year for the high school/college graduates from that church, and she doesn’t know the date yet. I told her that the choir at my church is singing the first weekend in June (it’s our last Mass before choir breaks for the summer), and now today I found out my dad’s family wants to have mine and my grandfather’s and Father’s Day celebrations out of town where my dad lives the second weekend in June. I can miss it but it would be odd to miss my own birthday party. I’m afraid I will have to deal with my mom’s wailing if I miss this Mass even though I’m already tied up the first two weekends in June when this Mass is likely to be. She normally understands my choir commitments but this time, she’s throwing up flags that she doesn’t want me to sing at my church if the graduation Mass is the same weekend I have choir. 

I also don’t know how I’ll deal with her if I have to go to my father’s family (he lives a 2.5-hour drive away; I pretty much can’t attend Mass and drive right down because I’ll need to come back the same day to be at work on Monday). I know graduation is a big deal but when I graduated college, some of the family came to the ceremony and I got one party. My mom expects me at three different functions for her graduation. I don’t know what, if anything, to forgo that will make her happy. 

 

Cloud 9, you may have to deal with your mother's disapproval or wailing.  But that would be better than giving up too much time that you cannot or do not want to spare.  I know other people have posted here in the past in relation to some of your similar dilemmas that "no" is an answer.  That is too simplistic, but your asserting your right to go to your choice of events or not to drive too far in one day is fair for you to do and unfair for others to pressure you in to doing.  Please try to steel yourself to do this, as it sounds like that's what you really want to do. 

You say your mother is "strongly hinting."  That's the maneuver of the person who hopes to guilt you into doing whatever it is they want you to do, as they recognize you have difficulty in making simple declarative denials.  But you can do it!  A simple no is an answer that doesn't allow for the other party to try to come up with various ways to persuade you further.  You can say, Mom, I'm sorry, but this just won't work out.

[stewedsquash]

On 4/3/2023 at 5:25 PM, EtheltoTillie said:

I know other people have posted here in the past in relation to some of your similar dilemmas that "no" is an answer.  That is too simplistic

Edited April 10, 2023 by stewedsquash

[theredhead77]

  

On 4/2/2023 at 1:34 PM, peacheslatour said:

Before I put my dad into care, he insisted on driving. I had nightmares about him running over some kid or crashing into someone's house. He used to get lost all the time. I can't tell you how many calls I got from the police because my dad was wandering around, unable to remember where he parked.

 

On 4/2/2023 at 1:50 PM, ebk57 said:

My dad had Parkinsons and as it progressed, we worried he'd hurt someone while driving.  We were trying to figure out how to get him to stop driving.  And then, he had an accident - he ran into the back of a stopped police car.  Problem solved without much push back from him.  (Just a fender-bender, so not a major issue, but he got a ticket and was actually going to go to court and fight it, bless his heart.  We talked him out of that)

 

On 4/2/2023 at 2:11 PM, Elizabeth Anne said:

My dad is a very healthy 87 but even he has started to express concern about his driving!  Not enough concern to actually stop.  At least not yet.  I just hope no one has to get hurt before he realizes that it's time to give up his driver's license.  I totally get how hard that will be for him.  He's been driving since he was 14 (or at least that's what he tells us) and for him it will be a real loss of freedom that will be hard to take.

Here in Ontario every two years once you turn 80 you need to do testing in order to keep your license but from what my Dad tells me it doesn't involve any actual driving and seems more geared to making sure you are mentally competent (which does make sense) but not geared to making sure your reflexes are sharp and that you are aware of the rules of the road!  

Do other places make it a little harder for someone to keep their license once they reach a certain age because, speaking as the daughter, there is no way any of us will be able to stop  him from driving until he's darn good and ready!

 

On 4/2/2023 at 4:35 PM, Browncoat said:

I straight-up lied to my father about driving.  I told him the government passed a new law saying people are not allowed to drive after they're 90 years old.  He doesn't do computers or anything (and he now has dementia), so he couldn't check up on it.  He did believe me, though, and handed over all his keys.

 

22 hours ago, SuprSuprElevated said:

I am a strong advocate for families being proactive about an aging parent/relative that shouldn't be driving. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's emotionally jarring. Yes, it removes in many cases, a person's last bastion of independence.

And yes, it's our duty to protect them and the general public from a dangerous driver.  If you cannot or will not, ask your relatives doctor for help. They are almost always willing to get involved by notifying the state/province that the individual is unsafe to drive. This way, you can honestly convey that you were not the culprit. It's a sad passage of life, but one we all must face.

 

I could have sworn we had an aging parents thread but I can't find it so I'll respond here, it's still topical. My dad is turning 84 and he just emailed me to share he failed the written test and has to retake it later this week. Questions about how many feet between a car, stopping distance, etc... are tripping him up. I wish he had to take an actual behind-the-wheel test instead of just the written test. Knowing how many feet to have between a car isn't going to make him a safer driver or change his driving habits after 70+ years of driving. But the DMV knows best.

[ebk57]

32 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

  

 

 

 

 

I could have sworn we had an aging parents thread but I can't find it so I'll respond here, it's still topical. My dad is turning 84 and he just emailed me to share he failed the written test and has to retake it later this week. Questions about how many feet between a car, stopping distance, etc... are tripping him up. I wish he had to take an actual behind-the-wheel test instead of just the written test. Knowing how many feet to have between a car isn't going to make him a safer driver or change his driving habits after 70+ years of driving. But the DMV knows best.

Your parents are in CA, right?  I was reading in the LA Times that they're starting to re-enforce the rule about having people over 70 come in to take the written test and an eye test.  Someone mentioned they had to go back 3 times, but finally passed it on the third try.  Good luck to your dad...unless you don't think he should drive, then not-good luck to your dad.  

 

And, I believe there's an aging parents thread in the health section.  I'll try to find it.

 

ETA: I think I was remembering this one, although it's not limited to parents:

 

Edited April 4, 2023 by ebk57

[Bastet]

33 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

I could have sworn we had an aging parents thread but I can't find it so I'll respond here, it's still topical.

Yep, works here, too, but FYI, here's the thread you're thinking of (in Health & Wellness).

[theredhead77]

7 minutes ago, ebk57 said:

Your parents are in CA, right?  I was reading in the LA Times that they're starting to re-enforce the rule about having people over 70 come in to take the written test and an eye test.  Someone mentioned they had to go back 3 times, but finally passed it on the third try.  Good luck to your dad...unless you don't think he should drive, then not-good luck to your dad.  

I have mixed feelings about his continued driving. He shouldn't (and doesn't) drive long distances, or on the freeway. I also think losing his license will literally be a death knell from a spiraling depression, anxiety, and feeling trapped. Some of you may remember me sharing that during the early days of COVID he flipped his shit about having to stay home, not because he was being defiant of orders for the sake of being defiant, but because his anxiety kicked into high gear and he just freaked out. He was at the grocery store every other day. Yes, he is under psychiatric care and medicated but it doesn't seem to do much good. I really wish he would be open to some edibles (legal in CA). I think it would help.

He drives to the grocery store which is one turn out of their neighborhood, drive a block, and one turn into the shopping center.  My mom asked me to get them set up with Uber for emergencies and I'll do that when I drive back in a couple of weeks

13 minutes ago, ebk57 said:

And, I believe there's an aging parents thread in the health section.  I'll try to find it.

ETA: I think I was remembering this one, although it's not limited to parents:

 

 

9 minutes ago, Bastet said:

Yep, works here, too, but FYI, here's the thread you're thinking of (in Health & Wellness).

Thank you! I rarely venture into the Health & Wellness forum and wasn't using the right "subject" terms to search the board.
. 

[supposebly]

My dad is 81 and he still drives around town, around the nearby villages and small towns. I wouldn't want him to drive on the Autobahn anymore but I suspect he doesn't want to either. It's been quite a few years since I've asked him to.

I think short distances on Bavaria's country roads are fine where he knows his way around. 

I don't think there is anything in place in Germany to make him stop unless there is an accident or unusual behavior that is being noticed by the police. Extremely slow driving, not being able to stay in a lane, that kind of thing. A medical and/or psychological check-up can be required and if the person refuses, their license can be taken away.

@theredhead, could your dad be persuaded to take walks? Ride a bicycle instead of driving?

[Gramto6]

Here in Montana, when you turn 75 you have to go in to the DMV for an eye check, no matter when your last renewal was. Even the year before. I don't remember if she said you have to retake the written test or not, but you do need your eyes checked. Not a bad plan in my book!

I'll be 75 in 2024...my eyes are fine after cataract surgery last year so no worries there...don't know about the written part though...

[roseha]

The problem is also about reaction time.  Even on a local road there is the need to stop short if a child for example suddenly appears.

Having his doctor tell him to stop driving is one possibility.

[theredhead77]

3 hours ago, supposebly said:

@theredhead, could your dad be persuaded to take walks? Ride a bicycle instead of driving?

Negative. He has a slew of other health issues including obesity, and being unsteady on his feet. My mom has tried to get him to be more active for years but ultimately it's up to him and he doesn't want to change.