Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[SoMuchTV]

1 hour ago, PRgal said:

Since you have not registered your child with the school board, and your child does not attend school, the Education Act does not require you to notify any governmental body of your intent to homeschool.

However, it is courteously respectful to send in written notification of your intent to homeschool if the school board contacts you and inquires about why your child is not attending school. Please see our questions on notices of intent to homeschool below.

(not a direct quote from prgal; a quote of something she quoted)

Oh my goodness, that has to be the most Canadian thing I’ve heard in a long time. I needed a dose of politeness today!

[Ancaster]

On 2/26/2025 at 6:49 PM, AgathaC said:

 

Obviously, not enough has been done over the years. But as far as apologies and remorse, I’m not holding my breath. I’ve known this kid nine years and have never heard the word “sorry.” Ever. No remorse. No guilt. Nothing. Mr A says his mom’s family is the same way — never apologize.

 

My pathologically narcissistic ex-husband never apologized once in the 20 years we were married - not to me, not to our kids.  He never saw anything wrong in what he did.

Edited March 4 by Ancaster

[Ancaster]

On 2/25/2025 at 3:33 PM, Absolom said:

I take zinc tablets before exposure to grandchildren usually.  I take half a one a day for about a week beforehand and it has cut the illness rate by 2/3.  It's especially helpful with colds and similar viruses.

I mainline Emergen-C before and during flying and smear mentholated chapstick under my nostrils.  I haven't flown since before COVID, but it seemed to work on the long-haul (10 hour) flights I used to take.

Edited March 4 by Ancaster

[Ancaster]

On 2/28/2025 at 5:25 PM, PRgal said:

Here in Ontario, a child technically doesn't have to go to kindergarten.  The requirement is that a child has to be enrolled in school the year they turn six.  

ETA:  If you did not enroll your child in a public or private school for kindergarten and you wish to homeschool, you don't actually have to notify the local schools.  However, it's courteous to do so.  I don't understand this part

 

^^^ sounds sketchy, IMHO

I don't see what's sketchy about this.

Edited March 4 by Ancaster

[PRgal]

4 hours ago, Ancaster said:

I don't see what's sketchy about this.

Sending the note isn't sketchy in itself, but that site seemed that it could be a bit off.  But maybe it's just a bias I have on those who homeschool.  

[Mod-Tigerkatze]

Hi everyone,

just a quick note to let you know that the conversation around travel and Europe has been moved to "Chit-Chat: The Feels".

Out of consideration for community members who enjoy a politics-free space, kindly help us keep the politics-free forums politics free and head on over there to chat about politics.

Thank you, enjoy your weekend and anyone who’s in the severe weather zone, be safe!

[shapeshifter]

So, regarding my disappeared post:
The crux as it relates to this thread is:
I violated my own rule to not ever call my sister because if she doesn't initiate the call, she will take out her current anger on me. 
I called her because I had inadvertently answered a call from her to me when a doctor was trying to connect with me and I thought that's who it was, so I told my sister I couldn't talk, and she said she'd be home all day. 

That was 3 days ago, and I'm still upset, hence the rule I've made for myself. 

Sorry to have mentioned what she was currently angry about, since it (understandably) spiraled into a tangent of posts.
If she hadn't been angry about that, it would have been something else. This has been going on for decades.
I got uninvited to her wedding in the 70s because I called her after I got out of the hospital, lost my job, and got robbed. I don't think I ever even got a chance to mention any of it.

So, note to self: 
Do not forget: 
Do not call sister. 
Let her call you.

I think I tried texting first, but that didn't work, because then she calls in a bad mood.

Edited March 16 by shapeshifter

[StatisticalOutlier]

10 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

I violated my own rule to not ever call my sister because if she doesn't initiate the call, she will take out her current anger on me. 
I called her because I had inadvertently answered a call from her to me

I don't understand.  Your sister did initiate the call.  You couldn't talk at that moment, but does your rule mean you can't return a call? 

[shapeshifter]

6 minutes ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

I don't understand.  Your sister did initiate the call.  You couldn't talk at that moment, but does your rule mean you can't return a call? 

Yes.

[StatisticalOutlier]

So the only time you'll talk to her is if your phone rings because she's calling you and you answer it?  If you don't answer the call, whether because you didn't want to talk to her or you didn't hear it ring or you were on another call, and she leaves a voicemail asking you to call back, you won't do it, even seconds later, because her required call initiation ended when her call went to your voicemail?

[shapeshifter]

8 hours ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

So the only time you'll talk to her is if your phone rings because she's calling you and you answer it?  If you don't answer the call, whether because you didn't want to talk to her or you didn't hear it ring or you were on another call, and she leaves a voicemail asking you to call back, you won't do it, even seconds later, because her required call initiation ended when her call went to your voicemail?

She can't leave voicemail because we use FB or other video/audio calling because she’s in Canada and I’m in America, so a regular phone call is about $2/minute.
But this is a good point. 
See my ETA below about texting before calling.

A while back (at least a year ago) I told her she should call me, because it seems I always call at a bad time, and she’s been okay with that.

When I called her back this time, she said she was about to do her yoga, but said it was okay if we talked first. But clearly it wasn’t — hence me reminding myself to follow My Rule.

ETA:
I might try texting her to ask if it's a good time before calling. 
I thought I had done this previously, but maybe not? 
My old work friends and I always first text something like "Is this a good time to chat?" before calling.
In the middle of her hurtful rant the other day, I did actually suggest that we text before calling, and she seemed totally unfamiliar with the practice.
She regularly tells me she's not ever talking to a friend again for whatever reason, so maybe she doesn't have anyone to text? 
She and her husband cut off communication with his only sister decades ago over an inheritance dispute.
I know her daughter texts her, but I don't think she initiates texts.

Edited March 16 by shapeshifter

[AgathaC]

So, the latest drama with Stepson14:

We discovered that while we thought he’d gotten better about taking and hiding candy, no, he just got better at hiding it. Lots and lots of wrappers — also an empty tub of ice cream. (He’d had some after dinner a couple of times and we just assumed he’d finished it then.) He ate it upstairs, then put the mostly empty tub in the attic (access is in his room) where remnants oozed out onto a box — thankfully damaging nothing. Mr A was livid and there was a lot of cleaning, phone confiscated, etc.

Then, SS flunked math third quarter and had poor grades in some other classes. He denied that he didn’t understand. He just didn’t want to do the work. His grade has a mandatory study hall to work on homework and projects and he has his math teacher for it, so it’s not like there’s much excuse. Mr A, upon realizing the state of things, reached out to multiple teachers to see if there were missing assignments. Yes. In all his classes. So, Mr A made him sit at the kitchen table to go through each item on the list. It helped a little — but he still turned some in blank without us realizing it (the app is not helpful).

This all prompted a call to Mr A’s Ex, where he learned:

1) She goes to bed at 8:00. No clue what he does or what time he goes to bed after that.

2) She told Mr A she was confiscating his electronics due to grades. Nope. She just set the WiFi to shut off at a certain time and let him keep his phone. Which has a WiFi hotspot. So, he can game or chat all night if he wants. She didn’t think about that.

3) He’s missed a few more days of school and Mr A had no idea. Why did he stay home? His arm hurt.

This is a kid with a long history of faking or exaggerating ailments to get out of things.

Mr A: So, his arm was hurting badly enough to keep him home three different times? One, I doubt it was that bad. Two, if it was that bad, did you take him to the doctor? Did you try anti-inflammatories, heating pad, or ice?

Of course she didn’t.

She also continued to take him with her to the gym and let him go bowling a couple of times a week.

Because for a kid looking summer school in the face, what he needs is to miss more school. SMH

It’s all ridiculous at this point. He continues to act like he hates our guts because Mr A refuses to let him get away with stuff and stays on top of grades. He tries talking to him and encouraging communication, wanting to help if there’s a problem. But it really just appears the problem is he’s spoiled, entitled and lazy. Even when he’s caught in something, he just shrugs and then gets angry when there are consequences. He’s a perpetual innocent victim.

And then I end up feeling like a horrible person for legitimately disliking a kid…

[shapeshifter]

37 minutes ago, AgathaC said:

So, the latest drama with Stepson14:
…And then I end up feeling like a horrible person for legitimately disliking a kid…

Did you say upthread you have a personal therapist? Even though family therapy seems like a really good idea, it sounds like your powerlessness in the situation is making you (understandably) resentful. Not only is that unhealthy, life’s too short to spend so much time feeling that way.

Unfortunately I too spend way too much mental time on resentment.

[AgathaC]

4 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Did you say upthread you have a personal therapist? Even though family therapy seems like a really good idea, it sounds like your powerlessness in the situation is making you (understandably) resentful. Not only is that unhealthy, life’s too short to spend so much time feeling that way.

Unfortunately I too spend way too much mental time on resentment.

I do have a therapist, yes. I don’t spend much time on it, thank goodness, but do occasionally need to vent! There probably is some resentment— mainly for the added grief and stress on Mr A.

Dislike is probably too strong a word. I care what happens to him and think he still has a lot of potential. So, yes, it’s difficult to be in a position where I have almost no control, but the outcomes could impact my life. But, like you say, that’s what therapy is for!

[isalicat]

1 hour ago, AgathaC said:

Dislike is probably too strong a word. I care what happens to him and think he still has a lot of potential.

The trajectory of this story is really dire. I hope you know that although everyone in this forum is "rooting" for you, what is going on with your step-son, at his age, is not being solved by the tactics your husband has thus employed. Without the stepmother's full cooperation and immediate steps toward family therapy for both parents plus son and intensive psychotherapy for the step-son, I can't imagine that doing the same thing over and over is going to have better consequences. Good luck!

[AgathaC]

2 hours ago, isalicat said:

The trajectory of this story is really dire. I hope you know that although everyone in this forum is "rooting" for you, what is going on with your step-son, at his age, is not being solved by the tactics your husband has thus employed. Without the stepmother's full cooperation and immediate steps toward family therapy for both parents plus son and intensive psychotherapy for the step-son, I can't imagine that doing the same thing over and over is going to have better consequences. Good luck!

I agree. I feel like I’m watching a slo-mo train wreck. Mr A has started escalating consequences for things and pushing back harder against Ex, but I fear it’s all too late. I seriously doubt therapy will happen, but I can keep suggesting it. I doubt Ex will ever really change and start parenting. Permissiveness and spoiling him and avoiding upsetting him or being hard on him have been her go-tos for 14 years.

[supposebly]

Not that I have any experience raising children but this story with the stepson reminds me of the situation with my ex, his ex and their son. She was overall not capable of setting boundaries and felt children are capable of taking care of themselves (don't get me started) and just really didn't know or seemed to care what to do (a lot came from her own upbringing, I think). I'm also judging from what I hear from my ex, which, if course is also just one side of the story.

So, eventually, they decided the son would live with my ex instead. After a bit of arguing, she actually agreed and things eventually got better after my ex was able to take over, set some boundaries and introduced consequences when son wouldn't do his homework, come home late, skip school, etc. They seem to have a good relationship now and went on vacations together.

I don't know if this is going to be an option but it feels like that might even be something the mother wouldn't hate too much since she seems in way over her head.

Keep in mind, I'm probably projecting and applying their situation to yours but, to make this short: would it be possible to have the son move in with you? 

[AgathaC]

@supposebly, that may be the only way to save the situation. (I keep hoping he’ll grow out of things, but I also realize a lot of his behavior isn’t new and can’t be blamed on a phase). For now, I don’t think it will happen. Ex and her parents are definitely not at a place where they will voluntarily admit there could be serious problems. And as she and her father are both well-connected, well-to-do attorneys, yeah, they could and would fight any legal action.

The only way I see her agreeing is if he becomes too much for her to handle. In which case I won’t want to be in a house with him.

Her parents are part of the problem (they’re worse than she is) and they think everything he does is perfect and wonderful and hilarious. She’s also somewhat cowed by them and it would take a LOT for her to tell them she’s giving up custody.

I don’t think it will get that bad. But who knows.

[Dimity]

Speaking of mothers who can see no fault in their sons - my nephew has just been given his marching orders by his partner because she's not prepared to keep supporting him as he drifts in and out of employment and has fallen off the wagon.  Again.  According to my sister this is a terrible thing for her to do.  How dare she. 

She's mad at me now too because I said he's lucky she put up with him as long as she did. 

[shapeshifter]

22 minutes ago, Dimity said:

Speaking of mothers who can see no fault in their sons - my nephew has just been given his marching orders by his partner because she's not prepared to keep supporting him as he drifts in and out of employment and has fallen off the wagon.  Again.  According to my sister this is a terrible thing for her to do.  How dare she. 

She's mad at me now too because I said he's lucky she put up with him as long as she did. 

Hopefully, someday your sister will thank her son's ex because he got his act together after she gave him the boot. 

[AgathaC]

19 hours ago, Dimity said:

Speaking of mothers who can see no fault in their sons - my nephew has just been given his marching orders by his partner because she's not prepared to keep supporting him as he drifts in and out of employment and has fallen off the wagon.  Again.  According to my sister this is a terrible thing for her to do.  How dare she. 

She's mad at me now too because I said he's lucky she put up with him as long as she did. 

I never have understood or been able to tolerate that kind of attitude. Granted, my kids have four legs and fur, so who knows how I would be with a human child that was fully mine. But I look at my parents. They were/are loving, supportive, our big cheerleaders. But, if we screwed up they let us know and let us suffer the consequences. Their attitude was more “oh, good. The universe is teaching her a lesson. We love you, sweetie, and we hate it for you, but this is what happens when you do XYZ.” I see the same parenting in my sisters who have kids and my nephew and nieces are all (so far) great people.

I recall a quote I saw once that said something to the effect of: You don’t raise children. The goal is to raise an adult. And the hope is they turn into decent, functioning members of society that you and others want to be around. Seems like I meet and hear about too many people who aren’t playing the long game the way they should.

[Ancaster]

On 3/20/2025 at 5:32 PM, AgathaC said:

I agree. I feel like I’m watching a slo-mo train wreck. Mr A has started escalating consequences for things and pushing back harder against Ex, but I fear it’s all too late. I seriously doubt therapy will happen, but I can keep suggesting it. I doubt Ex will ever really change and start parenting. Permissiveness and spoiling him and avoiding upsetting him or being hard on him have been her go-tos for 14 years.

I don't know if this will offer any comfort, but your step son sounds a lot like the son of some of our closest friends, who did turn around.  His behavior became so intolerable to me that we stopped socializing with them as families (which we used to do frequently), just as couples.  He was completely overindulged by his mother and his grandparents, and his father just threw up his hands.  It was so bad that he refused to go to bed unless his mother lay down with him and rubbed his back until he was in his teens!!!  He was thrown out of one school because of behavioral issues (which I was happy about because my kids went to the same school).  Anyway, what eventually turned him around was when he left home at 18, he went into the military (his choice) and was forced to follow orders and learn discipline.  He then went into business with a friend that is quite successful and that he enjoys.  I'm not suggesting the military should or could be the solution for your step son, just saying it is possible for kids to learn how to be less selfish and more socially acceptable.

Edited March 28 by Ancaster

[shapeshifter]

5 hours ago, Ancaster said:

…He was thrown out of one school because of behavioral issues…

This reminds me too that it is better if kids struggle in high school than flunking out or dropping out of college.

[Anela]

I’ve just discovered a vacation place in England, called Sandy Balls, after one of my cousins was tagged in pictures.  The post isn’t public, so they can’t be doxxed by my mentioning it.  Sandy Balls.  

There are two new generations of my family, and I’ve never met them. My other cousin’s son is now in his thirties, and he has two babies of his own. 

[Ancaster]

20 hours ago, Anela said:

I’ve just discovered a vacation place in England, called Sandy Balls, after one of my cousins was tagged in pictures.  The post isn’t public, so they can’t be doxxed by my mentioning it.  Sandy Balls.  

 

And it's not even by the ocean . . . .

(It was actually originally Sandyballas, and dates back to Henry VII, 1457-1509.)

British place names are a wondrous thing.  Fattiehead, Upperthong, Knockerdown, anyone?

Edited March 30 by Ancaster

[PRgal]

3 hours ago, Ancaster said:

And it's not even by the ocean . . . .

(It was actually originally Sandyballas, and dates back to Henry VII, 1457-1509.)

British place names are a wondrous thing.  Fattiehead, Upperthong, Knockerdown, anyone?

Is it pronounced Sandsbawllas?  If I recall correctly, the Bermuda parish, Sandys is pronounced Sands - the y is silent.  

[Ancaster]

On 3/30/2025 at 5:33 PM, PRgal said:

Is it pronounced Sandsbawllas?  If I recall correctly, the Bermuda parish, Sandys is pronounced Sands - the y is silent.  

I'm sorry but I don't have the faintest idea!  Regarding my original answer, I saw the first post and did a little "research" (ie Googling) since I love the wackiness of lots of British names.  It may well be pronounced like that though - after all Leicester is pronounced "Lester", Glasgow is "Glasgo", Cholmondeley is "Chumley" - I could go on!

I was born in England and now live in The States.  When I got married I took on my husband's name for a few reasons that aren't relevant here.  Now and again in causal conversation it seems one's "maiden" name (I'm sure that's politically incorrect these day) comes up, and I always tell newcomers/strangers that it's okay to laugh before I tell them mine.  They always promise they won't laugh and they always do.  It's the name of a village whose name was first recorded in the 1086 Domesday Book.

And really, I am happy for them to giggle because there are lots of funny sounding names here, and if we can't laugh about them, who will?  God knows, we need some levity in our lives these days.

Edited April 2 by Ancaster

[RealHousewife]

Anyone else have just one sibling and have a difficult relationship with him/her?

It makes me sad because in some ways we're very close. I don't have a lot of family. My sister is unfortunately one of the most immature people and has a horrible temper. Once she's angry, she won't let it go. Our parents and I get exhausted dealing with her. 

I really wish I had a family of my own so this wouldn't hurt so much. 

[Mindthinkr]

Yes, I just have one sibling and saying it’s been difficult is kind. He was their natural son and I was adopted. That alone made a difference because evidently my mother didn’t want another child, but consented to please my father. Who by the way, spent long periods of time away from the home working. 

I’m sorry you have trouble with your sister. Relish that you can still mold the relationship and make it work. I can’t. My brother is 16 years older than I am. I’m always working overtime to be good enough for him. My parents are long gone, but their prejudices still remain. 
 

Edited April 23 by Mindthinkr
Grammar and punctuation

[Dimity]

1 hour ago, RealHousewife said:

Anyone else have just one sibling and have a difficult relationship with him/her?

I lost one sister a few years ago and up until recently had a good relationship with my other sister.  Politics though has reared its ugly  head and I'm not speaking to her right now.  To be honest I'm not even sure she knows.  

Edited April 23 by Dimity

[PRgal]

I recently asked ChatGPT why immigrant parents are often “toxic.”  Here is their answer:

That’s a heavy question, and it sounds like there might be some pain behind it. If you’re up for talking more about your experience, I’m here to listen and help.

 

That said, immigrant parents can sometimes come off as “toxic” for a few reasons rooted in their lived experiences and survival instincts. Here are some common themes:

 

Survival Mode: Many immigrant parents come from hardship—war, poverty, instability—and bring a survival mindset. They often focus on discipline, security, and sacrifice, which can come off as harsh or emotionally distant.

Pressure to Succeed: They may place intense pressure on their children to excel, especially in academics or career, as a way to validate the sacrifices they made. This can feel suffocating and invalidating.

Cultural Gaps: There’s often a clash between traditional values and the norms of the culture their children are growing up in. That gap can cause misunderstandings and create feelings of rejection or judgment.

Unprocessed Trauma: Many immigrant parents haven’t had the space or tools to heal from their own emotional wounds. Without that healing, they may pass on unhealthy behaviors—controlling tendencies, guilt-tripping, or emotional unavailability.

Different Definitions of Love: They may show love through providing, working hard, or being strict, rather than emotional openness or verbal affirmation. It’s love—but not always in the way their children need.

 

[Bastet]

16 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

I’m always working overtime to be good enough for him.

From the stories you've shared, it's he that is not good enough for you, and he's certainly not doing anything to change that, so why expend pointless emotional energy?

[shapeshifter]

5 hours ago, PRgal said:

I recently asked ChatGPT why immigrant parents are often “toxic.”  Here is their answer:…

5 hours ago, PRgal said:

…ChatGPT…answer:……Pressure to Succeed: They may place intense pressure on their children to excel, especially in academics or career, as a way to validate the sacrifices they made. This can feel suffocating and invalidating.…

Some of the "Pressure to Succeed" may in fact be to validate the parents'/grandparents' sacrifice. But at least as much it can also be out of fear that their kids will wind up spectacularly failing because they have no idea what that looks like.

The rest of the ChatGPT answers seemed pretty straightforward to me.

[PRgal]

48 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Some of the "Pressure to Succeed" may in fact be to validate the parents'/grandparents' sacrifice. But at least as much it can also be out of fear that their kids will wind up spectacularly failing because they have no idea what that looks like.

The rest of the ChatGPT answers seemed pretty straightforward to me.

Sad part is, most of these parents don't believe in therapy.  And not believing in therapy actually leads to fewer people from these cultures pursuing careers in mental healthcare.  And that leads to fewer options for children of immigrants because they can't find therapists that fully understand them.  

[Mountainair]

I have a student in my Kindergarten class who comes from an Indian background. She’s incredibly bright but I found out that her parents hired a private tutor for her who she’s sees on the weekends and is given “homework” assignments to complete. She’s by far one of the highest level learners in the class but she fails miserably at getting along with other kids, playing with other kids at recess (she hangs out with the teachers instead of playing), sharing (she is an only child), comes up with outlandish stories (lies), etc.. Kindergarten is so much more than being able to read and write and I feel badly that she already has so much pressure on her to succeed. 

[PRgal]

1 hour ago, Mountainair said:

I have a student in my Kindergarten class who comes from an Indian background. She’s incredibly bright but I found out that her parents hired a private tutor for her who she’s sees on the weekends and is given “homework” assignments to complete. She’s by far one of the highest level learners in the class but she fails miserably at getting along with other kids, playing with other kids at recess (she hangs out with the teachers instead of playing), sharing (she is an only child), comes up with outlandish stories (lies), etc.. Kindergarten is so much more than being able to read and write and I feel badly that she already has so much pressure on her to succeed. 

This isn't unusual with Asian families.  My dad drills my son in math.  I've had a chat with my dad to loosen it up a bit.  My son's math skills are probably two grades ahead (he can already multiply).  His social skills are okay, though his teachers have told me he needed a "bit of maturing."  I've booked an OT evaluation for him since I'm more concerned about his acting up in class (he's not endangering anyone, don't worry) and his fine motor skills (he likes to eat with his hands, even for foods not meant for hands).  I think my parents were a little easy on me only because of my health issues.  Otherwise, they would likely have forced me into STEM or finance majors.  The only mistake I made was majoring in theatre and history instead of just history or history and politics (the latter wouldn't have made them too happy had I been "normal."  Because it's not nice to be too outspoken.  And I AM pretty outspoken).  Oh well...

Edited Wednesday at 10:15 PM by PRgal

[Mindthinkr]

14 hours ago, Bastet said:

From the stories you've shared, it's he that is not good enough for you, and he's certainly not doing anything to change that, so why expend pointless emotional energy?

I’ve spent some time pondering that question. I guess I do because it was drilled into me as a child to please my brother. Am I missing something? 

[PRgal]

@Mountainair your student might also be neurodivergent.  However, some immigrant parents (or first generation children of immigrants) are ashamed of “difference” and how it would look in the family.  This is one reason why my parents advised against telling my son of his donor conception.  So he wouldn’t be “different.”  Especially when he’s the only Gen Alpha who is mixed race.  My husband’s side doesn’t seem to care.  

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, PRgal said:

@Mountainair your student might also be neurodivergent.  However, some immigrant parents (or first generation children of immigrants) are ashamed of “difference” and how it would look in the family.  This is one reason why my parents advised against telling my son of his donor conception.  So he wouldn’t be “different.”  Especially when he’s the only Gen Alpha who is mixed race.  My husband’s side doesn’t seem to care.  

Yes. And it can take a few generations for such attitudes to fade.
Or at least it did.
I wonder if social media — and even just language-dubbed TV — has made such ideas about conformity dissipate more quickly — even within a first generation.
Of course, social media breeds conformity anew, doesn’t it🤔

[PRgal]

48 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Yes. And it can take a few generations for such attitudes to fade.
Or at least it did.
I wonder if social media — and even just language-dubbed TV — has made such ideas about conformity dissipate more quickly — even within a first generation.
Of course, social media breeds conformity anew, doesn’t it🤔

Yes and no.  For some of us, the GRANDPARENTS have a lot of influence in what the PARENTS put their children in.  Especially if the GRANDPARENTS are the ones who are the ones who gave the family success.  It’s very hard to go no contact in many Asian cultures - you can lose touch with an entire community.  And that’s even if you move to a different side of the country.  

[Bastet]

6 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

I guess I do because it was drilled into me as a child to please my brother. Am I missing something?

That your parents were wrong.  Telling a girl she needs to please her brother?!  Siblings are supposed to be equal to each other.

[Absolom]

It should be do things please you.  Who cares what your brother thinks.  It isn't his life.  Does he concern himself with pleasing you?

[Mindthinkr]

3 hours ago, Bastet said:

That your parents were wrong.  Telling a girl she needs to please her brother?!  Siblings are supposed to be equal to each other.

While I agree with you, that it’s not how it was done in my family because he is a male. My mother thought they were the only valuable sex. 
 

2 hours ago, Absolom said:

It should be do things please you.  Who cares what your brother thinks.  It isn't his life.  Does he concern himself with pleasing you?

Very little, although his wife made him aware of some of these wrongs. He is in his mid-80’s and I doubt he will change much, but he has grown kinder. I’m just trying to keep my family. 
I'm happy for all of you that have grown up in loving and happy homes. All my life I have wished for what so many of you have, but was destined never to get. I was able to break the cycle with my child. She is a fabulous loving mother of 3 productive citizens. Both sons have gotten their Eagle Scouts, go to school and work. None of them are entitled. I learned from my mother what not to do. 

[Absolom]

At 80 you're right I wouldn't expect much change.  Also at 80 it should be easy enough to do as you please without him finding out or knowing about it.  Smile and nod and not engaging is frequently how I handle 80 and 90 year olds.