iQuotes: Would You Like Brains With That?

[shapeshifter]

A couple of Babineaux lines from the Pilot:

"Psychic sidekick. I was workin' on a bit: Cagney and Pastey."

"Yo, Dirty Debbie Harry, slow yo' roll."

[bettername2come]

"Maybe he was celebrating, drunk cowboy style."

[Actionmage]

It was the finger guns that sold it, Liv. Totes! *g*

[Sakura12]

Liv: The one with the gleaming crystal eyes and the mouth that looked like he just finished eating a peach"

Clive: "How about you just tell me what color shirt he's wearing?"
Liv: "Cerulean"

 

It's just the way she said cerulean that sold that line for me. 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: His paintings are very popular. Who doesn't love a vibrant abstract nude?
Liv: Hint - she eats brains. It looks like he was just trying to show off how many different colors of paint he owns.
Ravi: Oh, I love his work. I particularly enjoy the one that looks like a bright blue jacksie but I like my art provocative with a tinge of whimsy. Also blue is my favorite color and I'm a bit of an ass man. Overshare, right?

Liv VO: I'm just a fake psychic zombie trying to do her part.

Major: I figured after six months, you were probably really missing your tiny face sander thing and that magnifying mirror that makes pores look like manholes.

Peyton: There is nothing more annoying than an entitled chick in a skater dress.

Major: This coming from the person who said hobbies are for people under 12 or over 65.

Major: I tried to get you to listen to jazz for years. You said the lack of structure was narcissistic and you'd rather listen to someone dropping cutlery.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: I hate to pry.
Liv: Said the man who keeps asking me for my urine samples.

Ravi: I never knew orange safety gear would be so flattering. I look positively rugged.
Liv: You were totally convincing. You held that coffee cup with real blue collar machismo.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Blaine: Jackie, I made you a zombie but I would never make you a whore.

Jesse: This is wack, yo.

Major: I can't live with someone who starts every sentence with, "Ay, yo, trip," and always thinks I'm frontin'.

Clive: I never know how you can eat down here. That's why I leave my coffee on the bottom step so it doesn't get that morgue-y smell.
[Ravi sniffs his fingers]

Clive: Any theories on who killed [the gang member whose fingers were chopped off]?
Ravi: A disappointed former piano teacher?

Julien: No one likes losing but someone's got to be losing if someone else is winning. That's just fricking science. What do I always say?
Dante: You can't flex fat.
Julien: We're living proof you don't need body fat to have a fat idea.

Liv: I don't know how many Take Back the Night self defense seminars they gave at your sorority house, but I could pretty much take out Batman with a spiral notebook and a student ID card.

Liv: I was wondering if you could help me. I'm looking for this guy Ray.
Video store clerk: How do you know Ray?
Liv: I met him at a party. It was kind of a while ago but we like hooked up or whatever. Do I sound so totally slutty right now?
Ravi: Uh, well, when don't you sound so totally slutty?
Liv: DUDE!
Ravi: You asked.
Liv: Whatever. I was cleaning out my bag and I found this. [uncrumples business card] And I had this drunken flashback and remembered Ray gave it to me so I thought maybe he worked here.
Ravi: Her life is like the whorey version of that movie Memento.
[Liv gives him a look]
Ravi: What? If you couldn't look back at the sext from the night before, we'd never know where you've been or who you've done. Here's the deal - my friend Melanie here has a thing for men of the Asian persuasian in a big way, so if you could point her in the direction of this Ray guy then maybe I can get the hell out of here and get the lunch I thought I was getting because this isn't me eating a tostada, is it?
[Ravi wanders into the adult movie section]
Ravi: Oh, look. They actually have the whorey version of Memento!

AJ: I hear you're looking for Ray. And that you're into Asian dudes. I'm AJ and I'm into white girls. Really white girls. You might just be my Moby Dick.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Carson: I'm essentially in advertising. You know, I get paid stupid money to put my face on things. On occasion, I snowboard in the Olympics and the X Games but my face is my passion. Training's intense, you know. Lots of moisturizing.

Lieutenant: Every morning I start with a little quiet time. Sip my coffee, check Instagram. I'm on this new diet so I look at pictures of food I can't have. Some people hate on food pictures. Not me. Bowls of spaghetti are my porn.

Peyton: You're the only one here who looks like someone just died.

Darius: Lots of people are gone. Even Willie the Wino's gone.
Clive: What's Willie's last name?
Darius: The Wino.

Lowell: The salesman promised me that [the hot sauce] would burn my face off, make me cry, and turn my organs into jelly so that's something to look forward to.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[fastiller]

Lieutenant: Every morning I start with a little quiet time. Sip my coffee, check Instagram. I'm on this new diet so I look at pictures of food I can't have. Some people hate on food pictures. Not me. Bowls of spaghetti are my porn.

 

Which can help him explain his new look, should anyone question him.

[Minneapple]

Lowell: I look freaky as a blond.

 

It's amusing because it's so meta! For those of you who don't know, here's Bradley as King Arthur on Merlin:

 

[seamusk]

I also liked that blond quote for the same reason. Though I didn't realize how awesome it was until I read the forums. I knew I knew the actor but was struggling to place him before others helped make the connect. Loved loved merlin!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Liv: Those are Y incision stitches. They need to be closer together unless you're going for that Frankenstein look.
Ravi: The man's too good looking. I'm giving him character.

Ravi: His skin reminds me of a grape that was left out in the sun too long and split open.
Clive: You just ruined grapes for me.

Liv: Must. Have. Donuts. Great, I ate Homer Simpson's brain.

Ravi: You're a trollock.
Liv: I'm a Polish troll?

Ravi: I'll go home and log in. I can help you from inside the game.
Liv: How will I know who you are?
Ravi: I'm a were-terrier with healing abilities called Arf Vader. This is going to be epic.

Lowell: You're engaged?
Liv: Up until I became a zombie, and I'm not over it. At all. I need to get there eventually but -
Lowell: Do you?
Liv: Need to get over it?
Lowell: Yeah.
Liv: Well, what's the alternative? Stay in love with a guy I can never be with?
Lowell: You know people do that all the time, right?

Liv: So what brings a nice British lad like you to Seattle?
Lowell: I had to escape the chilly wet depressing London weather.
Liv: So Seattle naturally.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[fastiller]

Ravi: I'll go home and log in. I can help you from inside the game.

Liv: How will I know who you are?

Ravi: I'm a were-terrier with healing abilities called Arf Vader. This is going to be epic.

 

It was Ravi's hand gesture that made this last line for me.

[Watcher0363]

Liv: Well, what's the alternative? Stay in love with a guy I can never be with?

Lowell: You know people do that all the time, right?

 

I think that is the best "true dat," I have heard this television season.

[fastiller]

This one, from Liv to Lowell, may become my go-to for why I can't/don't want to go out (can't recall if it's verbatim, I pulled it from the recap):

 

Had a bad batch of agoraphobe brain and now I can't leave my apartment.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: Though not remotely sexual, that's got to be some form of harrassment.

Ravi: Why don't you call it a day? Unless you have the urge to make me lunch or do my laundry.
Liv: You wish. Have you really not eaten lunch?
Ravi: Please let this conversation end with you cutting the crust off a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Ravi: Liv, you're rocking a rat.
Liv: I'm five seconds away from naming it and then making it a grilled cheese.

Lowell: Sorry, I didn't realize the bump it blow it up thing was over and we're back to just tapping rats.

Ravi: Are you from London?
Lowell: Camden.
Ravi: Ah, Arsenal territory. I'm from Upton Park. I suppose it could be worse. You could support Millwall.
Lowell: You could support Tottenham.
Ravi and Lowell: Or Chelsea.
Liv: Why do I have a sudden urge to dump tea into a harbor?
Lowell: What's she talking about?
Ravi: Colonist propaganda. Pay her no mind.

Ravi: My experiment will attempt to pinpoint the aforementioned combination through the vaunted scientific tradition of trial and error.

Liv: Awesomesauce and a buddy punch? Is that my imagination or did I just get friend zoned?
Ravi: ...Sorry, was that not rhetorical?

Liv: What a pain in the ass being a mom. All this worrying, all for a child that probably won't appreciate it.

Liv: When I was your age, we valued hard work.
Evan: Yeah, back in the hardscrabble year of 04. All those CD-ROMs that needed burning.

Clive: No comment. Just practicing. The lieutenant's making me write it a hundred times on the chalkboard like Bart Simpson.

Clive: They didn't get this [crib] at Ikea.
Liv: No, this is what Rumpelstiltskin carves for you after you promise him your first born.

Lowell: What a difference a few months makes, right? I saw that in the theater and I was like, "You go, Woody Harrelson! Mow down those zombies!" It was hilarious. Now on second viewing, it's like watching Sophie's Choice. I mean, who cares about your Twinkies, Tallahassee?

Lowell: Look, Liv, I didn't want to have to tell you like this but I'm gay. But not to worry. It's only until I eat my next brain. I knew something was up but I didn't really get it until I saw a magazine with Idris Elba on the cover and phrase "big piece of yum" popped into my head. I'm mildly afraid of heights but I would not hesitate to climb that mountain.

Liv: So now what? We get drunk and play Do, Dump, or Date: Boy Band Edition?
Lowell: Do Harry, dump Zayn, date Liam. Sorry, should I have had to think longer about that?
Liv: You skipped the getting drunk part.

Clive: First time I was on a stakeout, I was so bored I ate three candybars and an entire package of mini donuts. FYI - if you're waiting to bust a coke den, it's better if you're not riding a sugar high and covered in white powder.

Dylan: Look, Beetlejuice, I don't remember saying your name three times.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[bettername2come]

Major: I'm not supposed to talk about fight club...crap.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Liv: Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh. No. No. No! I forgot the safe word! What's the safe word? Kelly Clarkson! Ping pong!

Ravi: Excuse me, I was wondering if you've received any further news about when my friend might be released.
Shannendoa: Yeah, but I'm keeping it to myself because I really enjoy these chats we have every fifteen minutes or so. Maybe don't be friends with criminals.

Clive: I take it Sasha and Jane were close.
Kaley: Super close, like since college. Sasha was the psych major with the big personality. Jane was RTF major with radio skills. They had this whole Liz Lemon/Jenna Maroney thing going on - but in a not funny way.

Liv: The Lannisters send their regards.

Liv: Holy crap, Ravi! He's white and murderous! You did it! You made a zombie rat!
Ravi: Do you think this is how Oppenheimer felt staring down at the A bomb?
Liv: Like a drama queen? Or are you talking about his need for self-aggrandizement?

Liv: Is that a blow up sex doll?
Ravi: Ooh, I want to see!

Clive: "Great morning sex." Isn't enough for you ladies that you're having it? Why spoil it by talking about it?
Liv: I find it fascinating that we never talk about your love life.
Clive: Really? Cause I find it non-negotiable. Boundaries, Liv.

Liv: So your relationship with your mom - I'm going with complicated. Extreme narcissism with a tendency towards sexual deviance. Mommy issues. All I'm saying is the inexplicable crying when you're cuffing the carrot - there's a reason for that.

Liv: I live to enable.

Sasha: Give a guy some direction. If you're too shy to tell him where he can and can't put it, you can't complain if it goes where you don't want it to go.

Ravi: Is she or is she not dating someone?
Liv: A tech wunderkind, a professional soccer player, and a future Supreme Court justice.
Ravi: So she's still looking.

Liv: Ravi, she's a lawyer who looks like a Victoria's Secret model.
Ravi: Liv, I'm a tall doctor with fantastic hair and a British accent.

Clive: Kaley Taylor, you're under arrest for the murder of Sasha Arconi.
Sam: Not cool, babe.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[editorgrrl]

Ravi: I read it for the articles.

Ravi's "moment" with ADA Peyton Charles happened because he was killing time in the police department waiting room with Brain Teazerz 4 Kidz.

Peyton: I have a feeling people who are friends with social workers don't ask this question a lot, but who were you fighting with this week?

Major: "Sons of Anarchy," I think.

Edited May 6, 2015 by editorgrrl

[CinnamonCat]

Gym guy: "You'll eat... human brains... to get bigger muscles?"

 

Liv: "For god's sake, cerebellum sashimi is people!"

 

Luta: "Fecal matter? That's, like, poo, right?"

 

Liv: "No one's lip-synching to Frozen!"

 

Julian: "All aboard the pain train. First stop: Hand Francisco!"

Edited May 13, 2015 by CinnamonCat

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Blaine: Nirvana was the soundtrack of my youth.

Blaine: You do not purge your bowels in the powder room of a man with a helicopter pad in his backyard.

Anna: You're freaky looking. Why are you so white?

Liv: To have shot from there, the killer would need to be fifteen feet tall.
Ravi: Well he should be easy to find then, shouldn't he? Or she.

Ravi: After the boat party when you woke up in a body bag, how did you know you were a zombie?
Liv: The craving brains didn't really speak to werewolf.

Lowell: No, I'm serious. I think Blaine scratched me because he's into my music. He keeps asking when we're going to jam.
Liv: You never know. He could be zombie McCartney to your zombie Lennon.

Kayser: These visions from runaways and junkies are worse than depressing. They're boring.

Kayser: You're going to get me the brain of Alan York.
Blaine: Alan York, the astronaut. One of the first men to walk on the moon.
Kayser: I want to eat his brain.
Blaine: I'm think he's still using it.
Kayser: Like that's ever stopped you before. Somehow I suspect he'll be a lot slower than the average teenage junkie.

Ravi: I believe I have some happy news. Zombieism doesn't appear able to jump across species.
Liv: When was that even a question?
Ravi: When the zombie rat bit me. You had more than enough on your plate. I didn't want to worry you!
Liv: Next time, worry me. We're in this together. I got your six, Ravi.
Ravi: Roger that, soldier!

Ravi: I'm officially never going outside again.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Anna: You're freaky looking. Why are you so white?

While Liv had a reasonable explanation for this, I was really hoping that her response would be, "Oh my gawd, Karen. You can't just ask people why they're white."

[CinnamonCat]

Liv: "I'm the freakin' murder victim whisperer!"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: Where did you get a gun?
Major: I bought it on the street.
Ravi: Oh, of course, as one does.

Ravi: This is Rebecca Hinton, 31 years old, journalist slash raging alcoholic. Her cerebral spinal fluid practically came out on the rocks with a lemon twist.

Julian: Major? Blonde pretty boy? Looks like he fell out of a Nicholas Sparks movie?

Liv: We could just go door to door asking where the sketchy d-bag is.
Clive: Half of them are law students. We'd be here all day.

Liv: I know you probably want to get some shut eye before you gotta wipe down menus and marry ketchups but I gotta talk to you.
Connie: Screw you.
Liv: If a guy lets you walk home at 3am with your panties in your purse, you're not his girlfriend. The guy you thought was your meal ticket is really just a bang buddy.

Ravi: You're leaving me. What's his name?
Major: It's not important. Just know that what we had was real.

Clive: That's a good theory.
Liv: It's more than a theory.
Clive: It's not. It's a hunch you have that may or may not be right aka a theory.

Ravi: We have to tell [Major].
Liv: And how does that go? "Hey, Major! Wacky news! Zombies exist and they're trying to kill you. Not me though. I'm a nice zombie."

Guy: Can I buy you a-
Liv: Yes.
Guy: So what's your sign?
Liv: Noooooooooo.

Clive: Go home.
Liv: You're literally not the boss of me.

Liv: Why can't I figure this out?
Ravi: You'd think with all the drinking you'd be incredibly sharp.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[RachelKM]

Guy: Can I buy you a-

Liv: Yes.

Guy: So what's your sign?

Liv: Noooooooooo.

 

This show always has great lines, but this one killed me.  And Rose McIver's delivery was hilarious.  

Edited May 21, 2015 by RachelKM

[jhlipton]

Clive: Go home.

Liv: You're literally not the boss of me.

 

To which, Ravi says "But I am!"  Oops!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Clive: We talked to one of the orderlies. He said you get pretty frustrated by Scott E. beating you at chess.
Major: Yeah, so I murdered him. You're right, Liv. This guy is good.

Liv: Careful. Don't open yourself up to the classic reverse Sicilian gambit. That's a chess thing, right?
Major: It sounds more like something a call girl would make you pay extra for.

Major: Liv, did you see anything strange at the boat party?
Liv: You mean besides all the bloodshed and the fire and the corpses?

Major: You want to feel better about your mental health? Spend a couple days with some clinically insane people.
Peyton: I do it every Thanksgiving.

Hellfire Cheezy Puffs Devil: Ooh, get me in there! I like to watch. Yeaaaah. I like it rough!

Liv: Johnny Frost, TV weatherman and solicitor of prostitutes.

Johnny: I'd get super high with Scott E. and we'd ponder the big questions. Beatles or Stones? Kirk or Picard? Ren or Stimpy?

Liv: Your hair is fine.
Johnny: Oh, my vanity is the issue, not your breaking and entering.

Johnny: Uh, Liv? The toilet's ringing.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Cameron: He came out of nowhere!
Theresa: Everything comes out of nowhere when your headlights are off, dumbass.
Kimber: I kind of learned CPR at Seeds of Faith camp. Somebody needs to do chest compressions to the beat of All for the Best from Godspell.

Kimber: We totally killed him! He's dead!
Cameron: No, it was an accident.
Theresa: Yeah, an accident in which someone died, Cameron, while we were stoned out of our minds and driving a stolen car. I'm not going to prison. Have you seen Orange Is the New Black? I'm not taking a shower wearing tampon sandals.

Liv: She went to my old high school. My brother Evan's a junior there.
Clive: Did you know her?
Liv: Only in the way that every boy knows the prettiest girl in high school.
Ravi: So from afar, yet intimately.

Ravi: Be aggressive. B-E aggressive.

Major: How good do you look in a suit?
Ravi: Pretty damn good.

Julien: Health inspector came back?
Meat Cute lady: Yeah, you should have seen this guy. Came in looking like a catalog model. He was trying to flirt with me. Thinks I'm going to melt because he's got blue eyes and broad shoulders.
Julien: Did he gave good hair?
Blaine: What is this bizarre segueway that's happening right now?

Clive: So you're telling me you and your friends stole a car, ran a man over, buried him, and then he climbed out of the grave, killed Kimber, and then drove away in the stolen car?
Theresa: Yes! And if there's anything I learned from I Know What You Did Last Summer 1 and 2, it's that me and Cameron are next on the killer's revenge list.
Liv: You saw I Know What You Did Last Summer 2?

Sketch artist: Do you recognize me by the slope of my alpine snow drift nose?
Liv: Kind of.

Sketch artist: I'm sorry. I can't work with her. She is bossy and relentless and has overly developed sense of self importance. I am a graduate of the federal school of applied cartooning. I'm not here to be critiqued by you.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[bettername2come]

Theresa: I don't care if she's the bang of the century, this chick has to go!

 

Ravi: What the hell kind of questions do people normally ask you?

Edited June 5, 2015 by bettername2come

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: I hope you brought your appetite.
Liv: I've met this girl before. Not to speak ill of the dead, but she's kind of a snarky little bitch.
Ravi: I doubt I'll even notice the difference.
Liv: Piss off, nancy boy.
Ravi: The prosecution rests.

Liv: Hey, Creepy Stares-A-Lot! I'm not on a sex cam. I can see you.

Major: Why are you doing this?
Blaine: Daddy issues, megalomania, greed.

Vaughn: Super Max will be an amphetamine, a steroid, and an opioid. I will be to serotonin what Milton Hershey was to chocolate.

Liv: Make more now, bitch!
Blaine: What did you do?
Liv: You're cured now. Mazel tov!

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[bettername2come]

AJ: What are you, lady?

Liv: A girl. Just a girl. You got your ass kicked by a girl. Deal with it.

[bettername2come]

Liv: You saw I Know What You Did Last Summer 2?

Liv: There should be a third one called I'm Totally Not Ever Gonna Forget What You Did Last Summer

[Writing Wrongs]

Liv: "T-shirts are passé". I don't get it. You're wearing a t-shirt.

Guy: It's meant to be ironic. It's a joke.

Liv: Oh, good one. Your t-shirt is stupid. That's literal.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Liv: [Major] forgave you.
Ravi: Yes, but that's just a simple case of bros before h-ex fiancées.

Liv: Have you noticed that Final Hope hates me
Ravi: Her name is New Hope, not Final Hope. You know this. If I wanted to give her a depressing name, I would have gone with Phantom Menace.

Clive: You left a message on the SPD tipster hotline.
Byron: Yeah, isn't that hotline for anonymous tips?
Clive: We don't claim it's anonymous.
Byron: The implication though. I didn't leave my name or number. How'd you even find me?
Clive: We sprung for caller ID. Thought it might come in handy for solving murders and whatnot.

Liv: You do all these paint by numbers or you have a slow nephew or something?
Byron: No, I found them at a gallery.
Liv: Were they in the garbage?

Blaine: You see anything you like? It's so rare the dead get to choose. I got one with a breakaway lid that's a real time saver for today's zombie looking to make that classic hand shooting up through the dirt big entrance.

Liv: How low must the bar be for me to be able to say with some sincerity that I'm proud of you?

Liv: Are you eating that [chocolate] or impregnating it?

Blaine: After our last encounter - you might recall it as the night you shot me.

Blaine: Somewhere out there, Major Lilywhite, the most presciently named zombie of all time, roams the earth.
Liv: Whitey Shamblemore begs to differ.

Blaine: Next time you see your beau, remind him he owes me a million dollars and a whole deli's worth of imported meat slicing appliances.

Blaine: Why would I want to help? I'm human. I've got a thriving business. I just learned I've been preapproved for a Best Buy card.

Liv: That kid screams guilty. He's wearing makeup and his pants are hanging so low they look like a bra for his ass.

Liv: I'm warning you, son. A bunch of good men didn't die face down in the muck so you could paint your face like a two dollar whore.

Ravi: I know you've not been in a great head space lately but I wanted to talk to you about the house generally. The kitchen specifically. The goop in the sink? It's developed consciousness and opposable thumbs.

Liv: Did they find the guy who did that to your hair or is he still at large?

Clive: What's the deal? Do you need some aspirin? Like some lady aspirin?

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[bettername2come]

Liv: Yes, they're new. The color is called "Sorry, Beyonce" and I might be in love with it.

 

Liv: These kinds of girls don't need a phone to call a man. They just stand upwind and drop their panties.

 

And because I'm a Veronica Mars fan:

Live: A long time ago, we used to be friends.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: A thief posing as a realtor. Seems like a lateral move.

Clive: Can't. Busy.
Ravi: Gawd, I thought he'd never shut up.

Gilda: Does a patient man invent an energy drink?

Clive: Liv, anything you want to ask?
Liv: Yes. Your bag - is it a Stella?
Alex: Timeless, isn't it?
Liv: I can't even!
Alex: I wasn't sure if it would be appropriate for a police interview.
Liv: It's perfect. It's business-like but with an informality that says, "I am not a suspect."

Clive: What were Taylor and Terrence like at these [Max Rager] functions?
Vaughn: Entitled, vein. They fit right in.

Vaughn: There's a reason I'm not getting hitched, detective.
Liv: Because you can't legally marry your own reflection?
Vaughn: Burn!

Clive: I had a few more questions about the Meat Cute incident.
Major: Oh, did you get reassigned to the solved crimes squad?

Liv: The man has sex with an ankh necklace on. On a leather cord!

Gilda: You had to screw Taylor Fowler? Her husband represents a very important swing vote on the board.
Vaughn: All right, I promise it'll never happen again. Cause, you know, she's dead.

Clive: Terence said he was with you at the time of the murder looking at some clothes you found for him.
Bethany: Textured winter shirts and day to night denims.
Clive: How was he behaving?
Bethany: Well, he was pretty skeptical about wearing denim after 6.

Camille: [Debra] ruined Taylor's wine tasting for juvenile lupus research by throwing up on Kenny G's table.

Debra: You know, I sometimes space out like that when I'm on a master cleanse.

Clive: Can I ask a non shoe related question?

Liv: You'll never guess where I saw Major doing his personal trainer thing yesterday.
Ravi: At the gym?

Liv: I'm literally going through hell!
Ravi: Okay, you've literally forgotten the meaning of the word literally.

Clive: You ever hear of casual Friday?
Liv: You ever heard of casual elegance? What's wrong? Were your bib overalls in the washtub?

Liv: Ooh, it's like a catalog of skanks! Take your finger out of your mouth, sweetie. That's full of herpes.

Clive: I happen to have a catalog of skanks in the car.

Gilda: Kinda makes me wonder what other secrets you've been keeping.
Liv: This isn't my natural hair color.

Terence: What in the world is that for?
Vaughn: Science.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[Watcher0363]

 

 

Liv: These kinds of girls don't need a phone to call a man. They just stand upwind and drop their panties.

 

Loved that line. But to be fair it is only a special breed of woman who can do that. A very special breed of woman.

[fastiller]

And because I'm a Veronica Mars fan:

Liv: A long time ago, we used to be friends.

co-signed!  Rob Thomas, I see what you did there.  (Yeah, I get he may not have written the episode; let me have my fun!)

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Major: Hey, dog. That's the smell of sex and self-loathing.

Liv: You have a dog? What's his name?
Ravi: Minor.
Major: Dog.

Ravi: Clive, this is a safe zone. Tell us about his weight on you.

Liv: I hate that phrase "made love." It's like sex went and hired a PR firm.
Ravi: I just say "do sex." You know, like, "Thank you for doing sex with me."

Clive: Want to go for a ride?
Liv: Does a one legged dog swim in circles? Is a pig's rump pork?
Clive: I'm going to start walking. If all that meant yes, catch up.

Ravi: Love and murder, country song staples.

Liv: Are you wearing cologne?
Ravi: It's called Desire RX. It has human pheromones in it. I'm a walking sex experiment.
Liv: Seeing Steph again tonight?
Ravi: Obviously. She's my test subject.
Liv: Look at you! You don't know whether to wind your watch or scratch your ass.
Ravi: I'm pretty certain I do. My watch self winds. My ass, on the other hand...

Steph: You're wearing a cologne made of pheromones. How do you know whose pheromones are even in there?
Ravi: You think the cologne makers were like, "Hey, death row inmate, scrape some pheromones into this cup. There's a pack of cigarettes in it for you!"?
Steph: It's a possibility.
Ravi: Me, I choose to believe they have the Hemsworth brothers on an elliptical wearing nothing but sponges.

Clive: What did you see?
Liv: Rick trying to hump Lacey like she was the corner of a La-Z-Boy.

Blaine: Can't a guy make an honest living creating undead and selling them cadaver brains?
[Chief types on his phone & shows it to Blaine]
Blaine: "Two's not that bad." Smiley face. I appreciate the pep talk, big fella. I really do.

Gabriel: I've walked through the valley of death, and it looks a lot like a crack den on Third Avenue.

Dale: Psst, Babineaux, what's with the guy burning the scented candle? Does he think he's working the front desk at the day spa?
Clive: He claims it centers his qi.
Dale: Who brings their qi to work?

Dale: It should smell like a real police station in here.
Clive: Go ask if he has a candle that smells like hookers and burnt coffee.

Dale: What do I need to know to survive and not piss people off?
Clive: I'm the person who usually pisses people off so you should ask someone else.
Dale: No, I knew you were that guy. I figured you could tell me what you do so I could do other stuff.

Don E: Yeah, okay, Jesus rose from the dead. That doesn't make him a zombie if he doesn't eat brains.
[Chief types on this phone]
Don E: Dude, that body of Christ stuff was for his disciples to eat. I don't know what you call it when you make other people eat you.
Blaine: Narcissistic.

Ravi: Next time you decide to invite an ex of mine to live with us, give us a heads up first, will you?

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[possibilities]

That Jesus talk was sublime.

 

I wish the CW would get their caption problems sorted out, because I really have to strain to catch all the punch lines and I don't want to miss them!!

[dcalley]

(I'm sure I'm not getting this quite right.)

 

Ravi's date, about Peyton: Damn, player! (holds up hand)

Ravi: I'm not high-fiving that.

[Actionmage]

Ravi: "I'm trying to find someone to play cowgirl and Indian."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Liv: Do you have any open sores in your mouth?
Major: Sexy.
Liv: How hard have you been brushing your teeth?
Major: So hard.
Liv: That's it. Kissing moratorium until we're sure I didn't just turn you into a zombie.
Major: So we're going the Pretty Woman no kissing on the mouth route. I'm down.
Liv: Omigawd, horny boys are the worst.

Major: So far, to me it sounds like all of our problems could be solved with condoms and rock salt.

Ravi: Shot through the heart. And who's to blame? ....No Bon Jovi fans here.

Clive: Security cameras were turned off right before the murder. It's a password protected system. Only one person could have accessed it last night - our victim.
Liv: So, what? He turned off the cameras so his killer couldn't be identified? Think how easy it would be if there was video footage.
Ravi: Yeah, and the killer could have been wearing a t-shirt that inexplicably had his name and address written across his chest.
Liv: And the address was like right next to the police station.
Ravi: And the killer's just waiting calmly, already handcuffed, just sort of reciting his Miranda rights to himself.
Liv: That would be so great. Now what are we going to do?
Clive: I guess we earn our paychecks.

Gilda: It's like watching my mother try to refold a map.

Dr. Irving: If we're going to make any real headway with this Super Max recipe, we need the DNA of a coherent, intelligent, functional zombie. You know a functional zombie. You get me some of her blood.
Gilda: Are you thinking she keeps a vial of it in her makeup drawer? Or are you expecting me to shiv her?

Liv: Clear eyes, full stomachs, can't lose.

Kid: Who chokes someone at basketball practice?
Liv: Well, Latrell Spreewell does. A Knick, wasn't he?
Clive: Not at the time!

Clive: Can you tell me where you were last night at midnight?
RJ's dad: The public library. My whole softball team was with me.
Liv: Right, you and the boys were hosting a discussion of the latest Danielle Steel novel.

Rita: The good news is you're not dead. The bad news is you have to come up with some other excuse for not responding to my text.
Major: I didn't get it until this morning, but it did make my heart flutter. "U up?" You stole my heart with those three characters.
Rita: Whatever. You have to earn me spelling out words in their entirety.

Rita: Major, this is head of R&D. As far as you know, her name is Dr. Irving.
Major: Then as far as I know, can her first name be Julius?

Liv: What the hell, Lillywhite? It's 7:45pm! Are you 90?

Liv: I'll meet you downstairs when you're done. We can watch Hoosiers.
Major: After all these years? You've always refused before.
Liv: Well back then I was worried that seeing you cry over fictional sports would adversely affect my sexual desire for you.

Major: I see what you're trying to do.
Liv: Well, I'm not being subtle.

Liv: Move your feet, Joey. This is basketball, not bullfighting!

Major: I'm beginning to think that your ulterior motive has an ulterior motive.

Major: Whoa, break it up! Is that the kind of team this is? The kind of team Coach Hayden would want you to be?
Charlie: No.
Jordy: Wow, you went there.
Major: I'm shameless.

Gilda: It's like a convent up in here.
Liv: You missed it. There was full on, no holds barred kissing in here a couple nights ago. Tongues and everything.
Gilda: Who is this porn star?

Liv: The egghead from West End.
Ravi: I'm from Upton Park, actually.
Liv: And Broadway Joe was from Beaver Falls.

Ravi: Ian-
Metzger: DOCTOR METZGER.
Ravi: Dr. Metzger and I met at the interview for my current position.
Metzger: Quotas.
Clive: [serious side eye]
Ravi: Yes, Seattle insists a percentage of their hires be respected experts in their field.

Ravi: Oh, so you have high rises here in the Shire? And the citizenry doesn't suspect witchcraft? Hmmm.

Ravi: There are traces of cerebral spinal fluid in the ears and nose. This fracture was caused by acute blunt force trauma. Somebody did this to him.
Metzger: Blunt force trauma? Oh, like hitting a crossbeam and falling into a pit? Construction site, man with a hammer. Let's not make it more complicated than it is.

Thrunk: The ability to handle one's own problems - a lost art.

Blaine: I don't care if Monday's blue, Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too, Thursday I don't care about you, it's Friday I'm in love.
Ravi: To what do I owe the pleasure?
Blaine: Come on! The Cure? I don't know why I bother.

Blaine: I'm calling it. Time of death, 9:47. Drug overdose. This job isn't so hard.

Blaine: Bright side? You did discover the anti-cure. Instant zombie killer. So I wouldn't beat yourself up too much, doc. That's a hell of an accomplishment unto itself.

Blaine: Well, that's my cardio for the day.

Clive: Telly brought a hammer to a bat fight.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[Writing Wrongs]

I think this was the quote:

"God saves me. I won't eat brains."

"Corinthians?"

 

Gilda: It's like watching my mother try to refold a map.

That cracked me up.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Major: Suffer, bitch.

Ravi: Did you and Major have sex?
Liv: Whoa, aren't Brits supposed to be repressed? What would Judi Dench say?
Ravi: She'd say, "We don't know a lot about the sexual transmission of zombieism." In this version, Judi Dench knows about zombies. Did you and Major have sex?
Liv: No.
Ravi: Good.
Liv: Not yet. You know, people with HIV-
Ravi: You don't have HIV.

Liv: We heard you were inches away.
Clive: Yards away. Nothing heroic about not getting shot.
Ravi: Did you soil yourself?
Clive: No.
Ravi: Then it's heroic in my book.

Clive: We know our late friend here was about to be the star witness in a murder trial so the guy he sold out is either very lucky or very guilty of commissioning the murder of a witness.

Major: Hi, I'm barely employed arm candy. No, I'm Major.
Dale: You certainly are.

Liv: Ten bucks says you miss.
Clive: What? I'm automatic from this distance.
Liv: Put your money where your mouth is. Now you're thinking about it. I'm in your head,.
Clive: Seriously? Ten bucks?
Liv: That is the sound of a man's sphincter shrinking.
Clive: Well, it's your money.
[Clive tosses his napkin into a garbage can]
Clive: Pay up.
Liv: What? I just made you look good in front of your date. You should be paying me.
Clive: This isn't a date.
Dale: It's not? Why did I pay then? Wait, you're saying that I'm not getting any?
[Major bites his ice cream cone]

Blaine: Dad? I'd hoped your first visit here would be more horizontal.
Blaine's dad: I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
[henchman shoots Chief]
Blaine's dad: You work for me now.
Blaine: Chief, you had one job.

Blaine's dad: You're gonna need a bigger box for your employee here.
Blaine: We'll just chop off the feet. Nobody looks down there.
Blaine's dad: What do you know about the titans?
Blaine: Perennial AFC South underachievers.
Blaine's dad: The money I could have saved on private schools. Kronos, king of the titans, ruled the universe. A prophecy said he'd be overthrown by his son. Each time his wife produced one, he'd kill it. You know how?
Blaine: Bored them to death?

Liv: How poetic is it that a barber sends a thug to collect from a guy named Harry?

Ravi: I have proven that when you purchase boxes of every brand of condom available at once, the lady at the drug store counter looks at you funny.

Clive: Is that a balloon animal?
Ravi: Yeah, clown college. I'm available for parties.

Drunk Blaine: Hola, mi amigo! Como esta?

Liv: You look like me going to see N'Sync when I was ten.

Blaine: It has been a hell of a few days, gramps. Turns out we have something more in common than our good looks and stellar musical taste.

Major: Whoa, knocking! In this house we use knocking!
Ravi: Tell me you haven't had sex yet.
Major: Seems like a question you could have asked outside the door.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Major: Of course I want to sex you up, girl. You're very attractive and I very much have a penis.

Liv: Being with zombie me is different than being with old me. When I eat someone's brain, it sets up camp in me. It's like I'm always Britney but sometimes I'm "Hit Me Baby One More Time" Britney and sometimes I'm shaved head smashing car windows Britney.
Major: Real talk? I thought both of those Britneys were hot.

Liv: What kind of name is Sid Wicked?
Clive: Stage name. He was a magician. You don't dress like that unless you're doing magic or you hate your parents.

Liv: Looks like we're going to be interviewing a whole lot of magicians.
Clive: Sometimes I really hate this job.

Ravi: Sid Wicked. I want to change my name to something cool like that. What do you think of Rick Bang?
Liv: I think Rick Bang lives in a one bedroom apartment in the San Fernando Valley and gets paid to do it on camera.

Ravi: Steph taught me how to figure out my porn name. Sadly, it's Polly Cripplegate.

Ravi: The ten of clubs is missing. Where'd it go, you witch?
Liv: Ahh, the ten of clovers. A clover needs a dark space to take root. A place as dark as a closed casket buried six feet under.

Ravi: This is the best brain ever! I almost want to start killing magicians so it never ends.

Liv: Pick a card.
Clive: No.

Peyton: How long were you standing there?
Ravi: One second less than would have been creepy.

Ravi: You know Steph, the woman I'm kind of seeing?
Peyton: "Kind of seeing"? Yup, women love when you use qualifiers like that.

Peyton: I change my FaceBook status to "in a relationship" all the time just to get dudes to leave me alone.

Ravi: [Steph]'s just getting a bit intense. She told me we're celebrating Guy Fawkes Day tomorrow. I didn't have the heart to tell her it was weeks ago.
Peyton: Guy Fawkes Day, huh? Yeah, she's definitely going to propose.

Peyton: [Liv]'s not cramping your style? Not being too needy?
Major: No, it's all good. Real good. Today she left me a voicemail about how drowning would be a beautiful way to die. But otherwise, you know, same old Liv.

Liv: Well, would you look at that? The death card. A fitting reminder that no matter how clever a path we run, the reaper always takes his bounty.
Blaine: Did you eat Edgar Allan Poe?
Liv: Odd, I was under the impression that you knew I couldn't stand the sight of you and yet here you are.
Blaine: I'm an acquired taste like gazpacho or that free U2 album.

Blaine: It seems someone out there is killing Seattle zombies.
Liv: And you're here to warn me to make sure that I watch my back?
Blaine: Oh God, no. I'm tell you this because I need your help stopping whoever's offing our living challenged friends.
Liv: You need my help? I try not to make a habit of fraternizing with murderers.
Blaine: That's no way to go through life, is it?

Blaine: Help me, Zombie-Wan Kenobi. You're our only hope.
Liv: This doesn't change the fact that you still sicken me.
Blaine: Wouldn't be me if I didn't.

Angel: [sid] saw me at the hotel bar hanging out with Amazing Dick.

Liv: Twitter - a vast collection of humanity's impetuous thought vomiting.
Ravi: I like to think I'm quite introspective about what I tweet to my twenty three followers.

Ravi: I used to be a real wand head until I realized it didn't help me with the ladies.
Liv: So you moved on to video games and forensic pathology.

Steph: I've got a big night of Brit stuff planned for us - throwing darts, apologizing. Here's a lager, room temp. Drink up, you poncy geezer!

Blaine: What's that chick's problem?
Liv: That's the empress. She symbolizes fertility and growth in the natural world.
Blaine: Super boring. Sorry I asked.

Blaine: Look at us! On a stakeout. You're like the stoic by the book veteran and I'm the fun guy who-
Liv: Who deals drugs and kills homeless teenagers.
Blaine: i was going to say, "Doesn't play by the rules," but sure.

Liv: Love is only a delay of death, tragedy waiting in the wings.
Blaine: You're bumming me out, man.

Liv: Dale left with her gym bag. I'd say we have about an hour.
Blaine: I'd say 90 minutes. You don't get that ass in an hour a day.

Blaine: Found in the home refrigerators of three of the missing persons - identical insulated yellow coolers. Damn it, I should have gone with the freezer bags. I'm such a slave to aesthetics.
Liv: They identified a hair found in the sink drain of Meat Cute as belonging to missing astronaut Allen York. You killed the fourth man who walked on the moon?
Blaine: Please. No one cares about the fourth person to do something.

Magician: You're good at this. You study magic?
Clive: I grew up in Brooklyn.

Liv: This flower had color and could bloom once. And yet death, blind to the beauty of all living things, even one as vibrant as this, has swept over it, wrenching it closer to the ground until it breaks.
Major: So is that a yes, you want a quesadilla or no?

Blaine: Here, take this.
[Blaine hands Peyton a card]
Peyton: A free car wash?
Blaine: Whoops, wrong card. I don't think our relationship's quite at that level yet.

Ravi: These angry magician tweets are fantastic. People really hated Sid. Listen to this one. "The greatest trick you ever pulled was convincing the world you have talent. #youlooklikeyouliveinyourmomsbasement #whowearsthumbrings

Houdina: Guys, I didn't actually disappear. I hate to break this to you but magic isn't real.

Clive: Who uses ampersands anymore?

Ravi: I should really start announcing myself with fanfare before I enter a room.

Ravi: This hare krishna handed me a pamphlet about karma. I've been meaning to check it out.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[Triskan]

Blaine: Did you read Edgar Allan Poe?

 

 

That one cracked me up so hard ! 

[truebluesmoky]

But wasn't it "Did you eat Edgar Allan Poe?"?

Edited November 21, 2015 by truebluesmoky

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: Noooooo! It can't be!
Dale: Oh, yeah. Clive is a huge Game of Thrones fan. You want to really set him off?
Ravi: Yes, PLEASE.
Dale: Ask him what George R.R. Martin is doing right now.
Ravi: We don't know this man at all. Maybe he is a murderer. We should check his basement for human remains.
Liv: Ravi! This [picture]'s clearly photoshopped. Clive's hands aren't white.
Ravi: At this point, anything's possible.

Ravi: So, Fatal Attraction brain. That's going to be fun.

Major: Hey, would it be weird if I got Minor a tiny Seahawks jersey and on the back it said, "Ruff L. Wilson"?

Liv: Who's the bitch using your shower? Or did you suddenly switch to Sinful Diva shampoo? For the shine that gets him to notice you.
Major: Oh, that's Ravi's.

Clive: They find you're out there on your own poking around, we'll all go down.
Ravi: Like Robb Stark.

Clive: [Regina] was a badge bunny, a woman who sleeps with cops. Something about the badge turns them on.
Ravi: I have a badge.

Liv: I'm going to need a slim jim and a black hoodie.

Inmate: I got rights! Cop busted me for weed but I've been arrested for that before. That's double jeopardy. You can't charge me with the same crime twice! This is America!

Ravi: We get eight extra minutes. So what do you want to talk about? Ooh, what's the best American album of all time? I say it's Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys.

Edited March 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[bettername2come]

Inmate: I got rights! Cop busted me for weed but I've been arrested for that before. That's double jeopardy. You can't charge me with the same crime twice! This is America!

 

"Weed's legal in this state! In case you ain't heard, I'm a law abiding citizen!"