Toaster Strudel

Most awkward "embrace"

I'm ready to declare a winner :

Sigh. I will now report on the Larissa/Fernanda battle of the looks. Goodbye, precious IQ points I can't spare. One of the warring factions is late and not properly attired to slay enemies with style and bodacious curves. "Are you ready to protect me? You are my Prince," coos Larissa to the husband she shares with toothless Debbie. Larissa is not pretending to come in peace. "My enemies are there and THEY LOOK AMAZING" she panics, threatening to make a tactical retreat and go home. I give her points for understanding the lay of war theater: superficiality. The crew is trying to get her some last minute ammo from an online clothing store, but she rejects matronly offerings until they come up with a "sexy dress to rival these bitches." I assume that "bitches" didn't include Kalani's massive red dress that she was pulling down to hide her sandals (they were nice, what was up with that?), or Satan's peculiar Medieval/Asian/Disco fusion top, Olga wasn't there so by process of elimination, "bitches" plural form meant: Fernanda and Fernanda alone. Larissa is kinda right, no one cares about Fernanda, she is not interesting in the least. Do you care about Fernanda? I don't! Jonathan, who is normally smart, articulate, and reasonable, regresses to Fernanda's intellectual and emotional level when it comes to trash-talking Larissa. She mocks Larissa's body, she's calling her a bitch before she even arrives, they laugh about smelling trash so Larissa has to be near. Not only did Fernanda start it on social media, but she's starting it at the Tell Nothing as well. "I don't really care, it was more comfortable without them, because they are mean!" Coltee fires the first real shot. "Pathetic is paying for a 16 yr old bride and paying for her car, college and bewbies!" Ooooooooo Coltee went for shock and awe by blasting his flamethrower on MAX, leaving a devastating trail of cinders and third degree burns. I mean, can you imagine the audacity of being generous to someone you love? With actual money? Take that Jonathan, you should have baited and switched like the Master! Yes Fernanda, I'll pay for your education... then send her a used copy of Hooked On Phonics! That's the Coltee way. But Jonathan was not completely roasted by this attack, and he mustered enough strength to drop the Mother Of All Bombs, and I mean "mother" literally. "YOU LIVE WITH YOUR MOTHER!!! HA!" And this how Coltee became the first casualty. It turns out Coltee had used all his firepower in his first salvo, and suffered a fatal return blow in the most vulnerable area of his freak anatomy. Larissa's garrison did not miss a beat to mind the dead, and machine-gunned Fernanda. "You're jealous! Your body is bones! Go buy yourself a butt!" And then the show ended, but I'm pretty sure that Larissa totally missed her mark. Her insult game has speed going for it, but at the cost of accuracy.

GIDumb sat like a dyspeptic lump while viewers worried about him about getting delirium tremens from alcohol withdrawal. His witless monosyllables were barely picked up by the sound crew. We heard him shout out "OUCH" and the whole room went silent expecting him to follow up with something intelligent, leading to great disappointment. At some point he dared to interject unsolicited, witless advice at Fernanda and everyone completely ignored him like he was a waiter with a pitcher of tepid tap water. Satan played a good game pretending to be contrite and repentant, but her social media interactions, her plans to make revenge calls to CPS on Eric's ex-wife to get custody of free babysitter Jennika in order to stop paying child support is so wicked that it left me wondering what else she is capable of, and how she'll be able to control herself to not transgress laws against poisoning, murder, insurance fraud, etc. As to the pregnancy rumors I'm just now hearing about, they are as believable as her ability to practice medicine in Canada and the UK, or her having a Jewish last name.

I'm very ambivalent about Steven. He's definitely ragey "it's about the RESPECT!!!", and has bizarre ideas about life, and though he dug his heels in at first about his misbehavior, he seems to know on some level that he was wrong, maybe the fact that no one supported him drove the point home. The guy is intense - he's still young, and he could get worse or get better. Hopefully Olga will keep him calm. His eyes did light up when he saw the baby. I couldn't believe that Kalani supported him lying to Olga about applying for the visa because of "hormones make females cray" - she probably use that excuse a lot for herself. I'd like to congratulate him for not needing a sponsor and de-congratulate him for starting vanity gofundmes. I give him points for keeping his mouth shut about Larissa the whole time and not getting involved. That was the only mature thing to do. The kid has good sides and bad sides. May he have the wisdom to cultivate his better impulses and suppress his worst ones.

Trashley likes to be cheated on. Her relationship comfort zone is to be cheated on, and leaving the cheater. She lives for that. It's a feature, not a bug. The way she was talking about the "seven year itch" sounded like she was looking forward to the drama. I mean, it's not a real thing, it's just some dumb legend/excuse and Marilyn Monroe movie title, but Trashley talks about it like it's real and it's going to happen. Jay "Conroy St.Christopher Smith" claims to be owning up but he's still making excuses for being on a dating app. This is perfect for Trashley because her reward is to talk him down about it. Jay's addled brain short-circuited so badly when the word "monogamous" was uttered, I could see sparks coming out of his ears. He tried to save himself pretending he'd never heard the word before. Sean Robinson asked her a great question: "Why are you still with Jay?" It proves my theory somewhat that she answered "I don't know" started to stutter and improvise a disjointed, meaningless word salad. So now she doesn't want to be "responsible for 10 years" but hey, you sign up for a K1 visa, that is the price of making a mistake and hopefully makes other people think twice before they import vacation fucbois that tell you all the sweet nothings you long to hear. Jay's I'd recommend that she pick her next cheater from the ranks of Americans for a less expensive experience, but maybe being cheated on and financially exploited makes the scenario even more appealing. One guest I would have liked to have seen on the video chat is the woman he was trying to invite over at Trashley's when she was out bar tending. He probably would have been too dumb to remove the big "Mr & Mrs" sign above the bed, LOL.

No, I'm talking about Steven and his Gofundme. I'm sorry I didn't realize it could be confusing when I wrote the post, now I see that it is.

He wants strong unions and socialism! How quaint. We don't see a lot of people admitting this nowadays.

#Accurate Perhaps he is an exhibitionist and gets off on this.

Kalani looked like a goddess, her makeup was angelic, the sparkly belt very flattering, and Sexy Moves gave her the perfect, teary eyed, altar kiss. I'm so happy for them and their two babies and I wish them much happiness. Congratulations to the happy couple. If you look back on my earlier recaps, I said that Sad Barbie chose Heavy Sack Jay "SKINZ Jr" because he was guaranteed to replicate her comfort zone romance scenario, which is to be cheated on, and take off. All the signs, "red flags" or as Ashley saw them, "irresistible attributes" were there. She could have picked a local compulsive adulterer with minimal hassle, but no, she had to import one barely out of his teens and is now responsible for him for a whole decade (until she's 41 and he's 30) while raising two small children. Ashley, you're a sweet gal, but you self-owned spectacularly. I could give some advice like "don't give him a second chance" but what's the use? Her impulse to select cheaters cannot be reasoned away. Heavy Sack explained his transgressions with a multi-pronged defense. She' doesn't put out multiple times a day, he's bored, people are contacting him, she doesn't pay him enough attention, he left everything behind, it's the culture, it was just going to be a couple of texts (technically, "a couple" means TWO, not "a few"). He even makes a mockery of her reaction by boasting he'd be a total prince about it and would have forgiven her a similar "mistake." He's like a combination of Mohamed & Luis. GI Slob, with shameless macho bravado, announces that he approaches every day like a military mission - in which he forgets his pants. HIS PANTS!!! This is a metaphor for the life he and Lousy-da will spend together, dodging shrapnel from exploding land mines, breathing napalm fumes and being startled all night by rocket launchers, WITHOUT PANTS. Like the good little narcissist that he is, the ex-hobo says: "I wish my daughters were there so that I can tell them how important it is to me-me-me." When I counted 15 guests sitting on cheap chairs in a rented hotel hall, none of them being his two eldest daughters, I popped a huge revenge boner (I'm not sending fellow fans pictures of it, don't worry, but it was huge). Why bother with pants with so few in attendance? He can just tell them not to look down at his hairy legs, but I don't know, maybe he wants to hide some unsightly areas of gas gangrene. My heart broke for the little boy who was kneeling backwards on the chair, his forehead against the back of it, the whole time. Someone give that poor kid a hug. Crueleida had her arms crossed during her makeup. Who does that? She's so angry all the time. But cheer up! Only the best for her, and that discount tiara is from Paris, not China like the rest of us plebes - not that I believe a word that comes out of her lying mouth. Her dress was a poorly fitted abomination. She's a very thin girl, but that dress made her look she wore a whiskey barrel for a corset. I recommend she doesn't wet her wedding ring, because the rock salt solitaire will quickly dissolve away. That big crack across Old Rheumy Eyes' forehead always looks like it's about to start to speak, and show less methy teeth. Maybe it wouldn't say asinine things like "I'm choosing Turdy-da over my daughters, but in a good way!" As far as the daughters are concerned, the she-devil can't help but add insult to injury: "Jenna was here and it's enough!" After the pathetic, depressing nuptials with half-empty tables and a service of canned green beans and unseasoned chicken, Leida is delighted. She can now stay in America and pursue a medical career (probably more of an opportunity for her to smother and poison patients rather than heal them, maybe she should stick to working at the morgue or a coroner's office). And Eric is keeping his mouth shut about it, but we all know he wants her to support him with her big doctor salary. It's, after all, his last chance at... marrying someone with the potential to make bank and give him a hassle-free supply of prescription opioids - he'll be just as disappointed as she will be, and I want to be there to see it. The Tell All is going to be lit: in the preview, her eyes are red, swollen and pissing tears. "Do you have money or not? You lied to me" Hahahahahah schadenfreude! In Las Vegas, Freakazoid Colt, who Larissa has to beg for compliments, is effusive with Debbie. "Mom you look cute" he says in a very formal tone, as she wears his own baby pink work shirt, and he sports a matching baby pink tie that she lovingly puts on for him following the wikihow page. "You look so handsome," she coos. "You look beautiful," he returns, full of sincerity. Coltee is wearing what appears to be a massive adult diaper under his one-size-too small suit. She is to walk him down the aisle, because he has no best man. "It's like losing your son, it is sad," she laments. Now we have some real suspense! Will she let him go at the altar, or stick to him like a barnacle? Does the officiant keep a crow bar under his robe? In contrast, no one walks Larissa down the aisle, she goes solo. After the couch fake out, the wedding dress budget broken promise where Larissa ended up with a dress from goodwill, the proposal in a tower that would give her anxiety and vertigo, the Lecherous Cretin has another malicious, passive-aggressive surprise for Larissa. Cousin Unfriendly will be there against her objections! Why? Because it's important to him! Larissa be damned. But as the Misogynistic Asswipe assures us, Larissa "managed to control herself" so I guess he's counting on her to suppress her righteous anger when she sees Raging Cousin in the assembly. And what a conspicuous display of disrespect he makes by showing up dressed even worse than Debbie, wearing his work T-shirt with an embroidered logo! Poor sport as ever, he keeps trashing Larissa after the ceremony, after she showed way more class than he did, by ignoring him. Good thinking, audio team, for jacking up the gain on the microphone to pick up the anemic applause after they shared their vows. Next we find out that he called the police on Larissa over a verbal argument. Well, a call-and-hang-up, like the shitty drama queen that he is, probably to manipulate Larissa - but now his idiocy has backfired and the miser who won't spring for AC in his car is going to have to pay for an attorney. Curiously, no one mentions physical violence in the TV interview, so why was Larissa taken away from domestic battery? So here's what I think. There was no physical violence or fear thereof. Coltee is a manipulative little bitchee and lied to the police-ee. She probably sounded more emotional than he did, so they carted her away and charged her. He is an ugly, ugly person. Despicable and loathsome. I wish he had married Leida, but she's so perfect for Eric, too. I can't wait for the tell all! So many villains crying. It will be great!

I saw an update on twitter from Christy's boyfriend, from this summer. She's got two black eyes, is naked wearing only a white plastic bracelet with a bar code, lying on a car seat with clothes piled on, and smocking crack. I posted the pictures below, but even with the censorship black bars, it's quite graphic and terribly sad, be forewarned.

Booze and drugs? We know it's not dentist bills.

24/7 Sex Colt, it's not Larissa that got into a fight with Cousin Unfriendly... rather, it's the other way around. In the grand scheme of things, Larissa being upset isn't like, say, her cheating on him or reactivating her POF account. But that's transgression enough for "highly intelligent" "extremely sexy" "hugely dicked up" and if I might add my own tag to this list of grandiose self-professed qualities, "grotesquely flabby freakazoid" Colt to start googling for flights back to Brazil. All smiles, Larissa comes back downstairs to apologize, and tell him she decided to put the ring back on. He doesn't look up from his laptop, and says, mouth pinched like a hen's ass: "that's nice." Colt coldly announces that he is heartbroken. She tries to explain her feelings about Unfriendly, but Colt doesn't want to hear about her feefees and courageously pushes through his debilitating heartbreak to shut that down: "I'm an adult and I need a partner" which is exactly what I'd expect a manbaby who doesn't need a partner because he's married to his mom, to say. Forbidding Larissa to express any further emotions for the entire duration of their marriage (which will last many decades, right?), he warns her of the harsh penalty for a couple of hours of what most would consider low-key upset: "You do it again, it's OVER." I mean, poor Colt has to worry about all this "wedding crap" and no one cares what Colt wants :sadface: which happens to be 24/7 weird sex. The way they were talking, he actually seems to be getting it from Larissa, who must have a fetish for fugly. For fake drama, some awkward nerds have been hired to pretend to be Colt's friends. They are not from central casting; they're doing for free in exchange for a 15% discount on the next anime convention. Of course, they go to that same restaurant where the bespectacled, peanut faced waitress just happens to be on duty and just happens to be assigned their table. Sex maniac Colt, having learned a lesson, contorts his face with the herculean effort required of him not to raise his eyebrows and ask her to put on a cat suit and give him a BJ. In an earlier episode, Cousin Unfriendly suggested that Colt use Larissa like a cheap whore for 89 days, re-package her and ship her back on the 90th day. That idea didn't fall on deaf ears! Father-of-the-Year Steven wants to rip a week-old baby from his mother's breast so he can take care of said baby in 'Murika. Why not? He seemed very capable as he shouted to Little Orphan Olga "feed him! feed him!" when the baby was fussing. Both parents are emotionally stunted in different ways and have a lot of growing up to do. As a tuxedo-clad Jesse would tell them, "work on yourselves!" Furrowed Brow Leida gave up her medical career. Hahaahahhhahahhhahhahahhhhahhhahhhahahah heheheh ahahahhahah aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah HAHAHAHAHA. Who does she think she's fooling other than sad sack Eric? That irascible hellion is bursting with hatred, contempt and acrimony. Most people have an interest in cultivating cordial relations with others. Not Leida. For her, others are interchangeable cardboard cut outs to use as unwitting foils to satisfy her endless hunger for conflict. Since no one will be coming to their accursed nuptials, they can cancel the flowers. She truly is perfect match for GI Drunken Hobo, who, after the way he treated his own daughter with manufactured rationalization of it being much needed "tough love" deserves everything the Indonesian Succubus will dish out to him in spades. I'm keeping my fingers crossed they'll soon both live out of a car in eternal wedded bliss after he gets canned for showing up drunk to work. Asuelu is happy about another baby, while Kalini is sitting next to him with eyes wide open, a stoic expression, and tears running down her cheeks as if poured out of a firehose. All by himself, unbeknownst to her and against her will, he impregnated her through enthusiastically consensual sexy moves, in a calculated, clever bid to trap her with a second out-of-wedlock baby. Bad, BAD Asuelu! This segment sponsored by Coconut Fiber Condoms. Organic and 100% compostable! In the preview for next week, we have exhausted-from-too-much-sex Ashley say "I should have listened to Scooter Nat" only using different words. Pound Town 3x a day? Give him his green card already so he gets a JOB!!! Something really physical and exhausting, please.

All those stories about family members being skeptical of the guilt of their justly convicted relatives are a waste of time.

What an outstanding episode this was, especially after last week's borefest. Mr Strudel commented that the writers created a bunch of holiday skits, and gave the worst ones to Momoa. Matt Damon is an outstanding actor, and he really showed it last night. All his lines sounded totally natural, he's a master of micro-expressions, and he sure handled a heavy load. He was absolutely perfect. DeNiro should take lessons from him on cue card reading... lesson 1, don't wait 10 minutes to start reading your 3-word line and make the show end late! The opening monologue wasn't the usual singing, or standup comedy one might expect, but Matt knocked out of the park his childhood stories about staying up late to watch SNL. He just drew me in. That's good acting for you. Great understated charisma. Did I mention how good the host was? BRING HIM BACK! And often!

I wanted to share this awesome screenshot.

On instagram, Larissa is posting screenshots of Colt flirting with other women online. She is not exaggerating. She says she is devastated and going over to her friend's house.

Hey I didn't even have a wedding dress... so Larissa spent $150 more than I did. But then, no one promised me a $1000 budget, either! I didn't say the dress was ugly, I said it was a crumpled mess. They didn't spring for a $20 iron and a $20 ironing board LOL.

ANGER LEVEL 99: UNLOCKED

First Wife Debbee won that battle against interloper Second Wife (for now) Larissa. The "more practical" dress from a second hand store was the final choice. Here is Larissa's crumpled mess of a $150 goodwill dress. That's the big reward for banging that toe-walking, eyebrow-spinning, passive-aggressive miser.

I was intrigued when it was brought up that this kid was stuck doing all the chores... how was he treated by his mother? Where did his insane religious ideas come from? I'm sad that the facebook idiots have been cancelled, I was looking forward to that.

The cousin said as much, confessing that Auntie Debbie was coming over to their house to complain about how much she's "hurtin'"

I'm too mad at Bride of ISIS and GI Garbage to write a full recap or their sordid vortex of evil, they make my blood boil and steam come out of my ears like a pressure cooker. I'm just going to list the insults I jotted down while watching the show. Eric has a huge horizontal crack on his forehead. You can see it from space. If you step on his foot, Eric's top pops open and you can toss your trash in him. He's a proper garbage person. Leida's eyebrows remind me of 80's porno pubic hair landing strips. When she's upset and squishes them together, a second anus forms in between them. Once you've noticed it, you'll never unsee it. When she relaxes her forehead sphincter you can get a glimpse of the fecal matter that makes up her personality. There's a job waiting for her in Annie's ping pong bar. Eric is very principled about paying child support since he's probably in significant arrears and probably doesn't want his license suspended, and living in your car without a license might have been a big problem for him in the past. I almost want this to happen so that he and Miss Bitter Second and Third Fiddle Indonesia make an old Hyundai their permanent residence. It's becoming clear that Eric is attracted to Leida because she's ISIS Personified, with the difference that the IEDs are sentient and stalk your family members to blow them up instead of you having to drive over them. Tasha, your "father" has exactly what he longs for and deserves. When you declared that you are done with his "psychotic new wife," you were in good company. The whole world is done with her. I do love how Leida gets obsessed with winning battles over the chunks of rubbish that make up Eric's life, and loses sight of the big picture. Much like Wile E. Coyote when he forgets that he wants to catch the Road Runner to eat it, and starts to plot to blow it to smithereens. When a rage-filled, ballistic Leida gloated to Tasha "I'm the boss, now!" I reminded myself of the kingdom over which she rules: a box spring, fake swords, and a rat-chewed recliner. Eric's answer for how he'll eventually make up for all his abject failures: "It. Takes. Time." As in, right after he sobers up, which he never will, especially with Wile E. Coyote as his wife. We finally know what their plan is. "It Takes Time" Eric will help her become a doctor and they will become very rich, then she'll support him and buy all these luxuries she longs for by herself. Out of gratitude for Eric getting her started, he'll enjoy her undying gratitude and generosity, and she'll never leave him. Nothing will go wrong with this plan. The first thing that will go wrong with this plan is that she'll never become a doctor, and will blame Eric for it. How am I so certain of this? No person with this much naked, uninhibited cruelty becomes a doctor because they'd be kicked out the residency program (if she makes it that far). She's literally a human cuckoo, kicking out the parent bird chicks' and exhausting them with her insatiable hunger, to the point of becoming double their size. Yet she intends to marry a man who admitted that he picks and chooses which bills to pay every month, because he can't pay them all. This will go well. "I'm going to let him pay his child support" the she-devil magnanimously decreed, after demanding that Eric give up his parental rights. Her family was worried about her marrying a man with "baggage" as if her own previous failed marriage, child, etc. isn't baggage. If this cruel, diabolical harpy and depraved washed up drunk don't stay together forever in glorious misery, there is no justice. If I could have written a blessing for their wedding reception, it would be: "May the newlyweds spend every penny on vanity photo shoots for the beautiful bride until both starve to death." Hot dogs and hamburger patties that were pink because it's the cheap kind that's full of fat?