Toaster Strudel

Debbee needs to have her scheming ass shipped off to Speedy Hearse Retirement Community like, right now. She goes over to Cousin Colt go cry about how much she's hurtin' (in the immortal words of Livia Soprano, "poor you") and trash talks her future daughter-in-law, in addition to ganging up against Larissa with Coltee. OH BUT WAIT - Debbee had the nerve to deny she talked to Cousin Colt! Well you conniving old biddy, he spilled the beans on you. I understand Larissa's exasperation, and unlike Coltee, find that she is not at all "irrational." Larissa goes shopping for a wedding dress with both Debbee and Hippee Cousin (who has clearly been poisoned by Debbee too) with a budget of under $1000 (or more specifically, in Coltee's own words, "as cheap as possible") and it's easy to predict that no dress will be purchased. In part because the show often features dress shopping, without a dress being bought, and because Coltee doesn't want Larissa to spend more on her wedding dress than he spent on Cookie Dookie's. Flapping her bottom teeth against her bare upper gums, Debbee declares that her favorite part of $1000 or less is the "or less" and lets Larissa know how salty she is about the money being spent on her green card application. I counted 3 packages of 6 giant hot dogs on the counter (total 18), six gigantic meatballs (and not the lean meat), 4 flattened hamburger patties, 16 buns (there were more under the pile but I couldn't count them) and a dozen hot dog buns. Now we know where all the money goes and where Coltee's tittees come from. Not a vegetable or condiment in sight. Just carbs, cheap meat and nitrites. When Cousin Colt defiantly offered to take on Auntie Debbee to live with them and pay half the rent, I was hoping that Larissa would accept the offer and pack Debbee's bags faster than Leida packed Tasha's. They all ganged up on her in the worst ways, even Colt, who sat there like a bag of liposuction waste. Debbee was hunkering down with the kids enjoying the fireworks that she lit up, looking guilty AF. The hot-headed cousin: "This is HER SON! Your man pays for everything!" Then he has the audacity to bitch about how much another man chose to spend on a wedding ring. He was really worked up over this, good job Debbee. He's making it sound like toe-walking, eyebrow spinning, thunder thigh Colt is some kind of prize. The air is so thick with estrogen around him, you can cut it with a knife. I'm certain Larissa was being sarcastic when she said all that he had to offer for her to "use" is his freakish, graceless, uncoordinated body. "Riches, glory, glam!" rants Cousin Colt. For real??? He's driving an old beater without air conditioning in Las Vegas! To make matters worse, he takes the cousin's side with the dumbest argument imaginable: "he doesn't understand the situation." He doesn't? Take some initiative and explain it to him then, dopey! I fervently wish that Larissa's plan to get a Jaguar and hire that douchenozzle as her personal driver comes to fruition. Whoever goes against the queen will die... here's your ring and go marry your mother.

Owwww! One of Coltee's button popped from the strain and popped my eye out.

Kalani's dress was gorgeous, and very flattering. I don't get why the dress "feels real now" but spreading for the resort entertainment staff without the benefit of contraception didn't. What does she want now? Have another man raise this child? Raise him alone? Next time be a slut-person and insist on a rubber. Asuelu does handle the baby like it's a football, and not sentient. Asuelu's brother joking about wanting his turn at Kalani when Asuely is "done with her" is appalling. Maybe he thought it was a compliment? More upsetting was the colorful, juicy, pipping hot hamburger left on the table, uneaten, when Asuelu glumly walked out. If Kolini had rage-eaten the hamburger like Coltee rage-ate his colossal croissant, I am sure the editing monkeys would have included the scene. So, very sad. I'm skeptical about Ashley's racism storyline. I thought she did have interracial relationships before? And yes there are vile racists out there (hi again, Baraboo High School), but is Mechanicsville the Mecca of the KKK or something? Ape stuff? South will rise again? Slavery? That was pretty over the top - but it's not like Ashley and Jay are breaking new grounds in race relations, or even the first inter-racial relationship on the show. Ashley and Jay are so mind-numbingly boring, maybe the producers decided to play up that angle and overdid it.

Did Ashley lie when she said she never was in an interracial relationship before?

Coltee and Debbee - Coltee deserved a tight wedgie when he shot down short-term house guest Larissa's complain about the car being hot with a snarky, passive-aggressive "It's like we live in a desert, isn't that weird?" Except the wedgie might have been overkill since he was wearing a shirt three sizes too small and all the buttons looked about to pop off and send everyone to the hospital with eye injuries. It's dawning on Larissa that she is not merely living with Coltee's mother, as advertised on BrazilianCupid, but her future mother-in-law - how is like a cat and magically appears to make her life hell, manipulate, play the victim, and side with with her husbandson (it gives me no pleasure to say that this word needs to exist). When she arrived, she wanted a pool; but a new priority has arisen: Debbee must go. I'm totally with her on that. They go visit a swanky, ultra modern loft that is the antithesis of Debbee's taste, which I assume consists of a old slot machine with incongruous figurines on top, a broken printer on the kitchen counter, and giant plush snowmen that look like they are plotting murders when no one is in the room. Predictably, Coltee cannot afford it, but more to the point, will his real wife Debbee be OK living elsewhere? "It's not fair to ask me to pick between my real wife and you," says Coltee softly, looking a little panicky. I wish that Larissa answered him "It's like you are an adult, isn't that weird?" with the same passive aggressive tone he uses with her. Coltee can't have his cake and eat it, though he tries. He repeats that Larissa knew about "the situation" before she came... but maybe she didn't know how revoltingly incestuous it was. They drive back home, this time with Larissa holding a blue, hand held, battery-powered fan for much hilarity. His unkempt eyebrows spinning in random directions, he asks motherwife where she would go if they "divorced." For maximum pitiability, she suggests a "senior place" which would be quite costly and costly for years to come since she's only 66. "Me moving out makes me sad, we've been together 33 years" she chews, inspiring Coltee to suggest that she moves "close" and then "next" door - to which Larissa HELL NOPES. Coltee & Debbee is another couple I want to see last forever and ever. They are very much in love, neither is in for the money or the green card. They have a "situation" that involves a shared bank account, so they even get along on the money front! He loves everything she overcooks, under seasons, and pours out of a Campbell can like it's 5 star fare. He should invest in a flesh light and accept that his true love has been there all along besides him, and kick out the disruptive Air BNB tennant from Brazil.

I'm going to start my recap with my favorite couple: GI Drunk / Princess Nag and their zero chemistry vortex. I ardently desire for this hellish pairing to last forever and ever. They are each other's karmic punishment, and as a viewer of the show, it's uncommonly satisfying. Leida always manages to surprise and amaze me with a level of tyranny, disappointment, bitterness, and anger that takes a woman five decades or more to fully develop into a despised, demanding, and perpetually dissatisfied matriarch. If she's like this in her mid twenties, in another ten years she'll a veritable demon. And she's whipping GI Duh all the while sporting a tattoo with her ex-boyfriend's name on her arm, and with a third man's child tagging along. Still sweaty, but wearing a fancy shirt with an Indonesian pattern that makes him look unlike a street addict, for a change, GI Geriatric drives his Indonesian Succubus to the venue, a beige and cream hotel conference room that probably still carries the damp, stale testosterone smell of the latest convention of Baraboo Nazi high school graduates, and the walls look very sad and dejected about it. Layda's first marriage cost her parents $150,000 per year of actual marriage, which might have explained the glumness of their expressions during their visit. This time, she reckons it'll be a small affair with only 25 people. Simple, but the best! If it's only 25 people, why are they renting a hall at all? Call up a restaurant a week ahead of time and make reservations. Wanna dance after? Go to the pub next door after the meal, you'd be having a cash bar anyway. The florist looks like a house rather than a shop and she has a vase of inconspicuous white roses plunked behind her, as she sells them a bridal bouquet and boutonnieres of white roses... I'm gonna say this was set up before the cameras arrived. Alas, that's too simple and Leida, who is crushed, just crushed! by this EXTREMELY MODEST budget nags GI Cheap into doubling the amount of flowers to $800. Realistically, it would take at least $800,000 worth of white roses to perk up that decrepit conference room. "I do have class," brazenly lies Leida. GI Broke shrugs, "I'll find the money" having no idea where this money will come from, perhaps calculating the meager savings he could make switching from vodka to boxed wine, or tapering off his oxy consumption. While he was doing that, I was chuckling while imagining Leida picking decorations at Party Central like he wanted. I could see he felt like a big shot, indulging the fancy of his demanding fiancee, for this one time. They next go furniture shopping to a place that's not Goodwill or someone's home with free giveaways from craigslist, so we know that won't end with a purchase. Aside from the nondescript mouse-colored couches, they had some fairly jazzy, youthful modern furniture - not what I picture would be the taste or budget of GI SecondHand. Leida wants everything and she wants it now. I cannot fault her for wanting a bed, but she just made the miser spend the bed money on roses that she'll see only for a few hours. Sucks to be her! She's going to have to spend many more nights sleeping on a "box spring with a pad" that Eric thinks is luxurious highlight in his "minimalist lifestyle." Finally she realizes that her fiancee, who recently lived for two years in his car, moved in with his daughter because he can't pay rent on his own, has inflatable furniture and a lounge chair with extensive rodent damage will not afford to keep her and another man's son in sufficient comfort, even if he pushed his own flesh and blood children off a cliff so as to not longer pay child support. "I can't work yet" laments the she-demon, not sounding particularly sincere. Just wait until she finds out how much child care costs while she's working for $10/hr! She is furious. After paying for the depressing wedding, sharing a living space with Tasha, and that vexing child support, there is not a dime left for GI Eyebags to support the child that isn't his! He defends his child support payments because he has no choice, his wages are probably garnished and he'd lose his driver's license - so I'm not giving him hero credit for it. It would be a terrible idea if these two dingbats got married at city hall in their street clothes, and went home without a party... slept in a bed, and sat on a couch, in their own apartment - because mean, selfish, ornery people being miserable, and making each other straight up wretched, is the delicious justice that we need more of in this world. Eric & Leida 4EVER

No body hair, small teeth, bewbies, wide hips, more fat than muscle... he may have Klinefelter Syndrome, or some other abnormality.

Does Coltee have Klinefelter-ee Syndrome-ee? Asking for an extra X chromosome.

But as she says repeatedly, none of this is a big commitment, only marrying Asuelu is.

Nov 26 episode.

I just saw the episode with Colleen of the clown wedding dress, and clown eye shadow. She thought the other bride's crocodile puppet ceremony wasn't serious enough.

So you're afraid of heights? Let me take you to the highest place in Vegas, in an interminable elevator ride. Once up there, I'm going to sit down, snidely invite you to "enjoy the view." To drive the point home, I, a known miser, am going to spring for a cocktail - just to let you know we're going to be here a while as I relax, and perversely enjoy you freaking out slowly as you choke on your water. To justify my sadism, I'm going to propose down on one knee, ostentatiously showing my distaste for the whole exercise by doing it so quickly that it looks like my knee gave out for a second, and will mumble, barely audibly: "hurr durr, uh, marriage?" They sure make nice rings with cubic zirconia nowadays. "I love her enough to put up with her crap" haha, that marriage is going to last forever, right?

Busted kidney guy could have gone on dialysis with a central catheter. He didn't need an immediate donor LOL. And doctors could lose their license for trying to influence someone to be a living donor. The organ transplant ethics violations on this show bordered on heresy.

GI Drunk like this instagram post from Leida so much, he reposted it. He is supporting Leida attacking his own daughter, now her stepdaughter. I hope they stay together until death does them part... by falling into a volcano.

AND I GOT SOMETHING for UUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Jay just posted this about Natalie - I say it makes him look a lot worse than it makes her.

A 9 volt battery in the soap dish. Proper or not?

Is Debbie the witness in the first incident?

You said it best. Debbie started the sabotage right away. It must be extraordinarily frustrating for Larissa - she's there for the GC, but I do think she wants things to work out with him. There never was a chance. Colt and Debbie are a very sinister couple.

Samoan Soap Opera - Kalani is ordering Asuelu to behave himself with his sister. What's up with that? She needs to tell her sister to behave herself with Asuelu! Poor Asuelu's eyes are swollen and crimson from what must have been a prolonged sobbing session as he meets his cold hearted future sister-in-law. He feels so beaten by Family Kalani's undeserved hostility. He aches for their welcome, their love, their approval. They are shaking their heads NOPE NOPE NOPE, and turning their backs, judging him, "keeping an eye" on him. He tells Nasty Sister that Kalani told him she doesn't like brown men like him, and only likes white men, without a trace of acrimony in his voice. Asuelu is too good for them. Meanwhile, he is an enthusiastic daddy, and Oliver such a cute little peanut. Kolini needs to run off to Samoa to get herself knocked up too, and get her own life. Steve-O is practicing amateur obstetrics. "Push hard!" he shouts, as he encourages Little Orphan Olga to stuff her swollen foot into her sneaker. Wrong end, Steve-O, wrong end. You failed the basic anatomy test and they won't let you into the delivery room. I like these two, but the giving birth drama is not very interesting. Mr. Jay & Mrs. Ashley - She is very considerate in organizing a little party for her immature fiance to meet with Weird-Eyebrowed-Americans. Why is Natalie there? Why does she need to "protect" Ashley? Ashley doesn't care that Jay cheated, she said as much. So why does Natalie care? I mean, I get it, she's right, but the heart wants what the heart wants. She's not going to convince anyone. All she got for her troubles is being kicked out of the wedding party. She once backed out of a $60,000 wedding... but she'll share vows with this fool because of the sunk costs fallacy. Jay has a nasty streak. He probably still smells of airplane cabin disinfectant, and already he wants to cut out Natalie, her long time friend, out their lives permanently - and she complies. Shallow note: Ashley looks lovely without eye liner. The bad makeup ruins her otherwise beautiful face. GI Slob and Miss Nasty MD 2007: Two days driving to the American dream that is Baraboo, WI. What fun! Today I learned of a new kind of divorce: mutual divorce. Don't you hate it when you divorce someone, and they're still married to you, anyway? He parks Leida's exhausted family in a rustic AirBNB that is a veritable castle compared to the filthy dump he lives in. Everyone looks awkward and I don't blame them. What are they supposed to say to each other? Right away Leida lets us all know that she has plans to be hostile to his ex-wife, and his pissed that GI Slob's daughter didn't take time off work to welcome her. I guess no one told her how hard it is to take off an hour early when you work at an entry level job. Just as a thought, Leida wants to become a well paid doctor in America, so GI Slob is just a poor schmuck she's going to dump the second she gets her first pay check. There is no way she'll support him and his children from another marriage. I don't know how hard it is to become a medical doctor in the US, but I wouldn't trust her to take my blood pressure without complaining about it not being proper enough for her. GI Slob's digs are pathetic indeed, considering his age and station in life; he must waste a lot of money on alcohol or something. The hallways have the same paper thin fake wood paneling that was popular in basements back in 1973. GI Slob and Leida enter his squalid hovel, and right away he blames his daughter for the mess. NOT PROPER! Not proper at all. He unceremoniously shows her, as if she were a mere boot camp recruit, the single bed with a 4" thick mattress, low to the ground, that she's expected to share with him and her son. The bed (which should be inspected for sweat stains and bed bugs) is flanked by two old night tables from the late thirties, and by that I mean "goodwill" and not "vintage." Minutes ago she was complaining about GI Slob's daughters lack of welcoming. GI Slob goes "hold my beer" and shows her this bedroom. In the living room there is an "air couch" barely large enough for one person to sit in. I've seen college dorm rooms that felt more like homes, furnished as they were by penniless students. They go to the balcony, with its view of an intersection with a light, and a large parking lot, so she can air her complaints in "private." In tears, and obviously unclear about priorities, she hints again that she'll need a maid. Eric is stoic, merely looking like he finds her complaints an inconvenience to quickly brush off. He catfished her so bad. I continue to hope these two stay together forever! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #karma #badpeople Jon & Fernanda - She looked like royalty, with her blingy earrings, silver sandals, and black dress. She's a good dancer, is smart, and has that "it" factor that Pao would kill for. She shouldn't ruin it by assaulting women in bars giving her drunken fiance standing up lap dances. It's him she needs to pull off of the dance floor by the ear. I'd be angry too, he was literally letting her grind her butt against his bulge with only nominal opposition.

Vegas Sister Wives Power Struggle Larissa tried so hard to conceal her displeasure at "staying home everyday... with Debbie" but she failed. The whole viewership saw right through it. The producers set up the feuding sister wives to pretend to shop for a sofa at some depressing mall where, instead of beautifully staged, full living room displays, couches are crowded on the floor like horizontal Upholstery Tetris. First wife Debbie tells us what we could already guess, that she likes couches (and everything else, including Cultee) old-fashioned and overstuffed. Hell, last episode Debbie was wearing her fanciest royal blue T-shirt with a velvet painting style of wolves under the moonlight, that made it clear she has no taste. Naturally, fashion-conscious Larissa claims to prefer modern. "I can buy everything I want," Larissa tells us, because that's what she's been promised... ominously adding "if I'm with Debbie." Uh oh. I believe this means "Debbie is going to get what she wants, my approval is solicited to better be ignored." Debbie plops herself down on the ugliest couch that catches her wonky eye and loves it immediately. Do the sister wives agree on this couch? Larissa likes the classy neutral color! Wow, I didn't expect that... but just to be a contrarian, Debbie immediately grows a love of bold colors and rebuffs Larissa's taste for subtlety. But there is a shocking, startling development. Larissa points to a dumpy, bulky monstrosity of a corner couch the color and surface texture of a fresh turd, and looking well worn. She decides that it's the couch she wants to surprise Cultee with! Debbie nixes it, because you can't have pleather with cats; I see this more as a feature than a bug. It' a huge scratching post they're going to absolutely love, and who cares if the cats destroy the eyesore? The faster they shred it, the better it is. When faced with Debbie making crazy faces and insisting on getting Cultee's permission, Larissa reasonably points out that Cultee is not her father, but her future husband. We'll soon find out that Cultee sees his role more like a sex obsessed, stern Father with a capital "F." WAIT. WHAT? Cultee and First Wife share a bank account and credit cards? Can anyone imagine being married to someone, and have their mother-in-law being a hostile, unrelenting, and nosy cockblock to their household spending decisions? You don't have to be a psychic to foresee this being a colossal point of contention in the relationship! Later on, First Wife Debbie and her mortal enemy Larissa pick up Cultee at his work place. Larissa suggests that Cultee come to see the couch and give his opinion of it. Cunning Debbie seizes on this to rat her out, then throw her under the bus: "She wanted to buy it, right then and there" she tattle-tells, her voice taut with the tension of unvarnished hatred. As if that wasn't malicious enough, the viper presses on: "and then I said, 'it's not right looking at something without [him] looking at it." Larissa's face is 100% cringe upon hearing these traitorous words; she's a better person than I am, because I would have been murderous. "I thought we could do some things without you knowing every time" Larissa answers back, betraying her complete lack of understanding of how her serial killer fiance's mind works. "Well it's kind of a big decision, buying a couch" even though it was never important enough for them to bother getting one before. Grudgingly, Larissa vows to follow THE RULES. OK I think she does get it, after all. But Debbie hasn't yet injected enough poison, she needs to to add an inoculum of flesh-eating disease to the relationship. "Do you think we should have bought it?" she asks Cultee, hoping to elicit even more laying down of THE RULES to crush Larissa's spirit down to dust. Cultee gulps, and has the expression of someone who hasn't taken a dump in two weeks. "I think my Mother and I will still be sharing a bank account," he tells the producer about his long-term future plans, adding "it's easier." So this cretin thinks it's going to be easier for him if his insane, devious, manipuilative Mother completely controls his wife's economic life. Boy he's in for a surprise. "I think Larissa will burn through my credit card at the speed of sound." So his solution is to have Sharpie Eyebrows Deb police Larissa. He's supposed to be intelligent? If Larissa ever burns something at the speed of sound, it's going the tires on their pressure-cooker-mobile of a car as she floors the gas pedal, screeching her way to the nearest divorce lawyer. Next mistake, they visit his cousin John again (and his wife the living snapchat filter) in the hope that Larissa will have an in-law she can get along with, but John fancies himself an ICE agent and decides to interrogate her. I know the producers stage this for nearly every couple, so I didn't think much of it, but when the bastard suggested that Libidinous Colt use Larissa as a sex slave for 90 days, then ship her back to Brazil like a used piece of trash with vaginal friction burns, a flash of intense loathing burned bright in my cold heart for these misogynistic, odious, vulgar assholes.

What is Mother Cultee doing, spending so much time on the internet? Is it... Playing online nickel slot machines Defending Cultee against detractors on the internet with fake profiles Sudoku Looking up the various ways of saying "whore" in Portuguese Buying ineffective anti-aging creams on the Shopping Channel website Reading up on the latest QAnon revelations Sexting with Dutch cougar aficionado Jesse Cyberstalking Cultee's exes. Placing her monthly order of eyebrow sharpies Posting unfavorable reviews of her denturologist Googling "how to poison your son's fiance"

Update from Cultee, very condescending and insensitive if even half of what he is saying is true. "Problems that do not exist" - well they do exist if she considers somethings to be problems, what a doofus. I don't believe for a moment that he thought taking her phone and de-activating it was going to defuse the situation, of course it is a threat. The photo of the roses in the waste basket is spiteful and unnecessary.

This morning, Cultee was posting pictures of himself on IG with a whiskey bottle.

She was arrested, $3000 bail???