Toaster Strudel

I posted the above on page 1 of the second episode thread. It's like I'm psychic. Today, they got into a fight that involved a bouquet of flowers. He gave her a bouquet, she took it, and he smashed it on the ground. Larissa posted a video of him knocking shelves over. He grabbed and de-activated her cell phone, so she took shelter in the bathroom with the Macbook and posted their coordinates so that the internet could send help over. Police was called and came to the rescue; I'm not certain but it appears Colt was arrested. Debbie is apparently out of town for the live show... Larissa is staying with friends.

Litlle Bo Nutso had 4 dogs and a cat already. Her husband is a saint.

Right? The judgment in her favor should have been nullified by the worse damage to her reputation done by that GLAD Couture of her own making.

Larissa was answering questions on Instagram yesterday. Eighty percent was in Portuguese. She was cuddling her favorite cat, a small (not overweight LOL) calico, and she looked like she adored it. She laughed off public sentiment that she was out of Colt's league. She said that she finds Colt very intelligent . Maybe that's be the core of his appeal for her? She said that he'd be considered very handsome in Brazil, and I had trouble believing it. On the negative side, she added that he was too fast getting upset, too clingy and needs to be more independent. She emphasized, laughing heartily, about what a disaster she is in the kitchen. She said that they were currently trying to save money. She didn't say if it was for a bouquet, a pool, or a biggy-er house! Apparently she's got some kind of business... with Brazilian partners... no details given, at least none in English. That's all I got. She seems to be very outgoing and funny, not taking herself too seriously, or public opinion of her, for that matter. A picture was posted on the internet of Colt's house. It is very small. The whole facade is a garage with two little windows above it, maybe one for each bedroom... though I noticed there was perhaps a third room that serves as an office with a computer desk.

YES!!! You can see the gradual shift from fantasy to reality to responsibility on her face.

And boy was she clear about it when she defiantly declared that it was HER house, towards the end of the show. Colt brings very little to the table to this marriage. Rather, he brings a lot of serious, worrying handicaps. He's fat and shaped like a giant spindle, has prominent moobs, no fashion sense, is very homely, extraordinarily cheap, and lives with a Motherwife in a small house that reeks of low life motivation and low energy - and he wants lots and lots of sex. He's the total package of NOPE. She's bringing a hot bod, gorgeous face, a cheerful personality, rocking heels and dresses, use (and overuse, apparently) of her vajayjay, and maybe half of her DNA and rental space in her uterus if they have children. She's light years out of his league. Larissa seems genuinely willing to make a go at it, but she is making the conditions very clear in order for him to make up for his vast deficiencies. The conditions include a car with AC, a bigger house, a pool, in a better city (probably a long and complicated plane trip away from Debbie, especially after seeing what she's like). If he can provide this, it's going to take enough of the "NOPE" away. Is Larissa being transactional? Of course! But then so was Colt when he dangled a green card and chose a woman for her looks alone out of a catalogue.

Some have mentioned Larissa's teeth. For comparison:

Colty introduces the Sister Wives At the airport, Larissa receives a hug that reminded me of two magnets coming together with the same poles facing and quickly repelling each other. Larissa: I can't survive here (fanning herself in the non-air-conditioned hoopty) Colt: (With suppressed aggravation) Honey I need you to stop, okay? Larissa: (smiling) I love you, what's the matter? Colt: (coldly) I love you too. I appreciate you saying that. I just want to go home and enjoy time with you (aka make a semen deposit) He's whining about getting home quickly but she's the one with the 24 hour flight. What a dork. He's psychic, though: "the largest barrier for us will be to learn living with my first wife." That's polygamy for you. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Larissa enters their spartan, joyless house of dysfunction. Colt's first wife Debbie asks: "What do you think of Las Vegas?" Colt guffaws manically, and in a display of allegiance to Debbie, sets up Larissa for failure: "Ask HER!!!!" he sneers patronizingly, wasting no time to throw Larissa under the bus. The whole house "decor" is like that of a couple of summer student who are just there for a few months, and have invested zero time in making it a home - because they'll soon be gone. There is no sofa, only a couple of creepy, serial killer snowmen that will be telekinetically set off by Debbie to butcher Larissa in her sleep. The dining room is a small table from the late sixties, a corny old lady table cloth, a junky eyesore of a slot machine, and broken electronic equipment on the kitchen counter. Colt brazenly lies too, and tries to impress Larissa with how considerate and generous he is (when he is clearly neither), telling her that the house was deliberately kept empty so that she can pick a couch that she likes. As long as it's beige corduroy and under $50! Suddenly he spies Debbie's discomfited face, and gives himself away when he feels forced to add that Larissa is in fact going to pick her dream craigslist couch with Debbie...and perhaps realizing he just screwed up, also adds "and with me! All of us!" He looked at Larissa slyly, maybe to check if she fell for his transparent ploy. Also lying like a pro, Debbie cries out "I'm so happy!" when her body language is shouting "I'm so depressed! Go back to Brazil, you undeserving ho." She uses her hands to dry her tears: palms, back of hands, and palms again, like skin is absorbent or something. Colt gives Mother a long, full body hug, as she nuzzles her face on his bosom, and he leans to give a tender kiss on her liver-spotted forehead. Like me, Larissa is smiling at Debbie's dramatic and effective manipulation tactic; hopefully Larissa is picking up a few tips from Wife #1. "My mother and I have had OUR THING going so many years, now Larissa is here, but it's good." He doesn't sound all that sure that Larissa is a good thing, compared to that thing with Mother. He gives Larissa a house tour. "So we have stairs... and a bathroom." A tiny bathroom that she'll share with her mother in law, two people that leave a mess of accessories on the counter, and cat litter on the floor. "This is our room" he continues, as she looks around Colt's bare, white walled dungeon. As they previously discussed, Colt and Debbie sit close together at the table, and Larissa the unwelcome third wheel sits alone on the other side. Unwisely, Debbie asks Larissa what she thinks of their depressing, soul-sucking house of co-dependency, expecting undeserved compliments, like Larissa used to live in a mud hut that she had to rebuild every time it rained. Well, you're on notice: Larissa wants better, and she wants a pool. Mother mumbles more lies: "I block everything so you can decorate any way you want, I want to make you feel like it's your house." As she mouths off these words she doesn't mean, but feels obliged to say, he eyes swell with tears. We all know it's not decorated because they are misers and have zero taste and no concept of "home sweet home." "Excellent!" joyfully thinks Larissa, let's first get rid of that off-putting, misplaced eyesore of a slot machine. She walks right into the trap. Again ganging up against her with his first wive, he announces sternly, as in a big FU: "My dad bought it for her." Larissa backtracks, and Colt doubles down and defends the abomination, revealing his own pathetic lack of taste: "it's cute, it's a toy, it's nice!" No Colt, it's an ugly piece of rubbish, move it up to Mother's bedroom if she's so attached to it. Colt changes the subject, hoping perhaps to impress Larissa with his first wife's culinary talents, "You making dinner?". "It's ready!" she crows. "What did you cook, Debbie?" asks Larissa, hoping that if rat poison is an ingredient, Debbie might accidentally reveal it. "Bith phtew" announces the toothless crone. "When I'm hungry, I'll eat" Larissa decides. "You can have something else, you don't have to have that" offers Debbie, I'll put the phtew in the refrigerator." She looks down on the ground, her hatred for Larissa congealing like a hard mass of tallow over the rebuffing of the phtew. It was the right decision: the next day, Colt, with what looks like a toothpick, picks out the phtew out of a ramekin he keeps lifted up close to his mouth, grabbed in his fist. It looks like eyeballs in brown slime. "I don't think I should have said anything about anything" weeps Debbie, missing the point that she should have moved out years ago and gotten her own place instead; and if it's Colt still living with mother, then he should have packed and left. We see Colt ambling down the stairs with all the gracefulness of Frankenstein. "It was a disaster, one could say." Debbie soon tries to rile up Colt against Larissa, calling her "not very nice, selfish, demanding" and lays out every trivial grievance at Colt's feet. To his credit, he's not biting much, and defends Larissa. Debbie refers to the house as HER HOUSE. Well, well, well! There goes all that fakery about making it Larissa's home. "Unless she changes, there's not gonna be a future for either one of them here." When Larissa comes out of sulking in Colt's room, she makes breakfast, good-naturedly owning up to catfishing Colt about her culinary talents. Debbie comes down to eat, and lays down the rules of the game. The winner is the woman who debases herself the most to please Colt's every whim. He must have bacon and eggs for breakfast! He doesn't like bread! If he's got a favorite dish, then you'll have to learn it from me! But of course Larissa's versions of the dish will never be quite as good as that of dear mamma, and we viewers know that Colt isn't averse to bread after we've watched him rage-eat a colossal croissant. Prognosis: a few months after the green card comes in. Colt's "high sex drive" is going to be a liability, not an asset. I trust that unlike other 90daytestants, Larissa knows how to use birth control, and that's a relief.

Gyalis Jr & Rode Hard Barbie: These two are a crushing bore. Their segments feel like they go on for an eternity. There is nothing deep or intriguing going on here, she likes to ride the heavy sack and that's his ticket to America, and thrice daily banging. Eventually, he'll probably cheat on her and they're will be drama we won't be privy to. They'll pretend that everything is hunky dory on Instagram. I just can't bring myself care for these two. Prognosis: 3 years of wild rut. Sex Ed Flunkies Steve-O & Little Orphan Olga: Too bad TLC doesn't have a budget for music royalties, they could play the soundtrack for Grease backwards as the background - because this time it's Danny traveling to meet Russian Sandy on her stomping grounds. These two crazy kids have as good a chance as any that are forced to commit for life because of oopsies parenthood. It's a small miracle Steve-O actually got around in Russia since he was unable to find his way to a box of condoms in his own hometown. Is a 1000 rubles a lot? Kinda! It's $15. Prognosis: 9 years, which is roughly when their adult personalities will settle. GI Cheap & Miss Escaped Mental Patient Indonesia 2009: "Look, the best cheddar in the world for $6/lb!" "I want to try!" "NO!!!! Keep walking, grunt! We've got leftover processed cheese slices in the fridge back in Wisconsin, straight from the army canteen!" Eric in the talking head: "It is important that I provide for Leida & Alessandro" the editors cut off the end of the sentence "for under $25 a week." He takes her to a dingy, grey, dirty food court packed with sketchy people with their faces blurred out. He proudly returns with a single 12" hoagie in a plastic bag that they are all going to share. Since he lacked the forethought of bringing a tray, it's hardly surprising that there are no drinks to accompany the salty food, a plastic knife to cut it, or paper plates for everyone. They're reduced to eating it like animals, ripping pieces of it with their claws, and trying to eat it off thin, cheap napkins soggy with the juices oozing out of the shredded sandwich. Leida says that if Eric's support of his biological children gets in the way of supporting her and a child from another man, it will "need to stop." Why is child support even necessary, she wonders, piqued with jealousy and wishing for him to abandon his own kids to care care of her, and hers. That hoagie should be a clue, if she missed the first clue of Eric's crooked wooden peg teeth. With Leida's parents arrival, the daily hoagie is going to have to be split 6-ways. She's extraordinarily selfish, but I trust Eric will read her the riot act. Leida likes a "manly-man" - maybe she is looking for someone to enforce narrow boundaries on her neuroses. Next week she is welcomed into the gross bachelor pad he shares with his daughter because he can't pay for it on his own. #karma. Prognosis: Leida will be dishonorably discharged within 3 years, which is how long Eric will tolerate her increasing insubordination. Asuelu & Kalani: Another unprotected sex love story. I think these two will make it if the Family Kalani minds its own business. Why is Kalani letting her family attack Asuelu? Who appointed Kalani's sullen, judgmental sister Asuelu's fatherhood probation officer? Kalani’s family: “He needs to step up as a father” Also Kalani’s family: “I don’t know why he thinks he can come in here and be a father now.” Message to Sister Kalani and Father Kalani: STFU. Asuelu doesn't have to earn his fatherhood from his child's aunt because he couldn't come earlier, nor does he have to profess his love to his wife to anyone but her. His interactions with his son are genuine and touching. "I hope he stop be cranky to me and he give me a beautiful smile!" He just wants to love his wife and child, and be loved. But alas... there are no coconuts in the trees in America, and the sea is cold. Prognosis: until death does them part, if the family butts out and they spend half the year in Samoa. Realtor Ken & Fernanda Vergara. I love Fernanda, she has that charisma, and Jonathan is a goofball. They may have to adapt at first, but I believe they will be happy together. Prognosis: long term.

Why not? His flesh light never complained about being in the drawer.

I'm looking forward to the spin off featuring Debbie and Larissa as sister wives.

I had a hysterectomy too... which leaves me with only 5 uteri. One is upside down, one is in breach position, one is doing cartwheels, one is off the the market, and the last one went wee wee wee all the way home!

One of the most humiliating thing for Dr Phil about the two "abdominal fat pregnancy" old heifers episode is that the second heifer (with the dark hair) didn't believe a word of the doctor's diagnosis and anything Dr Phil said. The only time she enthusiastically opined in agreement was when the other delusionista spouted off her pseudoscience with more confidence and authority than Phil. Ladies, it's called being "apple shaped" - deal with it. I was very disturbed by this episode, she must legit be a masochist of the worst kind. He'd already thought he'd killed her twice and her affect was completely flat. She's not afraid to die at his hands. This is some very dangerous BDSM.

She weeps if you say you'll eat her stew later because you're not hungry now! I don't like Debbie at all, she looks very low-IQ, but smart enough to cunningly manipulate and scheme to stifle her son from becoming a fulfilled, independent adult. She lied about "keeping the house empty" so that Larissa could decorate it to her taste, and not buying a couch so that Larissa could pick one she liked. Colt spent more time touching Mother than Larissa in the segment. I don't believe Colt even likes Larissa. He likes the idea of showing her off to strangers (he has no friends) as a status symbol. He's already condescending to her. For these reasons I'm rooting for the gold digger. You go girl, get that bigger house. Kick Debbie out and let her take that precious slot machine with her. Get that pool. Get that AC in the car. Move to a different city. Colt, you cheap mound of flab, you want to marry a 10, better loosen the purse strings. One sandwich wrapped in wax paper... no plate... no drink... no cutlery... and at food court, so no tipping!

If she gets it evaluated by a gemmologist, he'll refer her to a glass expert. "LEIDANIEL" - a combo of "Leida" and "Daniel."

I loved, loved the smoking "pregnant" woman sitting on the chair with her apron of thick abdominal fat on naked display! The flab was splayed sideways and rolled over her FUPA.

Oh yeahhhh... that would explain the dining room slot machine! Or rather... could be explained by the presence of a slot machine in the dining room... As long as Debbie doesn't know, she likes to get into his stuff and is jealous of all his mistresses.

Girl, this is the no spoiler thread, LOL!

Yes I realized that just now LOL. That sign is really lame. That's what he decided he should show her?

Mods, please immediately rename this thread "Colt and Debbie: GTFO Larissa and never come back!" Thanks.

Fifth Runner Up & Isis Or Love?: urgh, I hate them both. Leida's game plan appears to be to practice medicine in America but she has been teaching in Indonesia instead of practicing medicine after graduating (one wonders why) so I suspect the road to making a doctor's income is a very long one for her, and perhaps the biggest hurdle is that she doesn't have the personality for it. TLC mentioned on twitter that she can legally practice in Canada and the UK, so I can pretty much guarantee that she's lying about her credentials anyway, so I take her claims of "accomplishments" with a grain of salt. They are rude, they didn't wait for Reina at the car, just walked away together, didn't help her as she lagged behind. If these two nimrods can't pack luggage into a car without having a psychotic episode, imagine the nuclear meltdown if they're ever required to figure out how to cut steak and keep the juices in. Leida was expecting to spend some exciting time in New York gazing upon Trump Tower but her pauper K1 sponsor is driving her to nondescript boon docks in Pennsylvania for discount accommodations with only 2 bedrooms and no staff attending their every whim. She says words to the effect of it being "okay" while making it abundantly clear through her tone and facial expressions that it's absolutely not okay. Disappointment continues the next day as Eric neglects to serve her chicken porridge and proudly cooks instead some decidedly un-Indonesian breakfast burritos. More disappointment follows as he nixes the possibility of getting a maid, and puts paid to any possibility that she might convince him with a little cooing and pouting. Reina questions Leida at the table, in a way that suggests that Leida isn't known to be keen on taking care of her own son, so who will? "Me?" Leida asks, rather than answers, then announces that Eric will be helping! Sure. Good luck with that. Next, Reina wonders aloud: "Leida is easy to get irritated and she becomes a really awful person, and she's annoying basically, I don't know if Eric knows that." It appears that he knows, sort of. Eric scolds Leida: "You're picking fights with me because you're bored and other people are in your head" as he rudely cocks his head in her sister's direction to indicate that he thinks Leida's misbehavior all her sister's fault. "She can pack sand" he bitches, nastily. Eric makes empty promises of providing for Leida and her son. This is a guy who needs his 19 yr daughter as a roommate so that half his rent and utilities are paid for, in order for him to be able to pay child support for her siblings. Eric is cheap, domineering, and she's a psycho. They're both despicable and for this reason I want their marriage to last forever. They're going to regret not picking that relatively sweet "fight ISIS" option.

Asuelu (I don't have the heart to give him a nickname) is shaping up to be a tragic figure. This is a 23 yr old man from a tropical island with a gentle climate, a house that needs no walls, near a beautiful beach, and accustomed to a routine of gathering firewood, cleaning up coconuts, feeding pigs, and I guess working at the resort where he met and wooed 30 yr old Stale Virgin Kalani and knocked her up (see my earlier rant about sex education). He is young, simple, with a carefree, upbeat demeanor. There is something very likeable and touching about him. The moment he greets Kalani at the airport, with his joyous Samoan slap dance and song, their worlds clash as, rather than being appreciative, she winces in embarrassment. He says in the talking head "I feel so happiness - I wanted to make her feel proud of me" while she looks on with a condescending expression on her face. Kalani's attitude was not lost on one of the women watching Asuelu's greeting: "If things don't work out with her, call me!" - even passers-by can see from a distance that this isn't going to work out. Driving the point home of how far apart their worlds are, he wants to carry on in the airport and in the car bare-footed. He finds the streets too wide (it's true!) and is frightened of fast driving. However, meeting his son, he is right at home, holding him, smiling, playing with him. This man has a good and kind heart. But he is up against insurmountable odds. Kalani: "I'm going to have to teach him how to act in the USA" Kalani's father: "Rule number one, disrespect my daughter and you will have issues." Kalani: "I've been without support, he's going to have to contribute" Kalani's mother expects him to fulfill the role of father and provider... in America. Kalani's sister has been told he's a cheater. They have laid down the rules and expectations of upper middle class American life that he will be required to fulfill quickly, or else. How on Earth will he even be able to even come close? The world he left behind is irreconcilably different. "Kalani's family don't like me" he says softly, breaking my heart.

Vegas Polyamory: The editing on this show is delicious. A slot machine in the dining area and what looked like a broken printer on the kitchen counter! I love you editors. ❤️ How will Larissa wedge herself into the real couple here, which is Colt and his toothless mother Debbie? She is an interloper that Debbie is grudgingly tolerating, only because she realizes she cannot satisfy all of Colt's needs. Where will the Brazilian invader sit at Colt & Debbie's long time conjugal table, where Debbie serves outstanding, compliment-worthy fare like baked potatoes and plain steak? The mother/son lovers immediately start to plot ways to exclude her. After Cat Cosplay Puppeteer Colt declares that Brazilian couples sit next to each other at the table, Debbie "jokes" about how "funny" it would be if she and Colt sat next to each other instead, in the tradition of Brazilian couples. Well that sure isn't incestuous at all! "We're adding a new dynamic to OUR situation!" And what an interesting situation they have. Debbie demures, "I'll miss being involved in your stuff" as if she intends to ever stay out of his "stuff." She continues: "I'm SUPPOSED to get my own life" no shit Sherlock, and when she uses the word "supposed" she makes it quite clear that she has no intention of ever getting her own life. "My mother and I have had a thing going for many years" explains Colt. Alright, Colt, we get it. Not surprisingly, Colt reckons that his main squeeze Debbie was thought of as a burden by some previous secondary love interests and there is no doubt that Debbie didn't do anything to dispel them of that notion. "I find him handsome" coos Larissa about the flabby, jiggly, homely slob she plans to marry. So right away we know she's faking it He awaits her at McCarran airport wearing his best brown and ox blood checkered shirt and poorly fitted pants, empty-handed. Where is my flowers? No flowers. Will you buy me flowers? No. Here are some flowers you can buy. I'm not spending a whole $20 on flowers after I paid so much for airport parking. Come on Colt, be welcoming and make her feel special! I wonder how much he would have spent on red roses if Debbie was the one landing. When they are riding in Colt's old beater (the one he shares with his beloved Debbie), without air conditioning, in Las Vegas, Colt starts to show his ugly side and underlying anger... and maybe a tinge of misogyny? I'm just guessing about that last one. Larissa mentions that it's hotter in Vegas than in Brazil, and especially inside the tin can he's driving, very politely I will add. The way he told her they were in a desert, I heard something like: "yeah we're in a fucking desert bitch." He was angry but the cameras were rolling. "Roll down the fucking window dumbass and STFU" Those weren't his actual words, but it was his tone. "It's private! It's the middle of the street!" he scolded her, gritting his teeth. No wonder only his mom loves him (she really does). "Yesterday [Larissa] wasn't in my life , now she is" he tells the camera crew while sending mixed signals as to whether that's 100% a good thing. "Larissa seems unhappy about everything" - but frankly there isn't all that much for her to be happy about. First, there's Colt himself, the old-beater/pressure-cooker he's driving, his dull witted, jealous, incestuous mother, and Vegas is a nightmare (that is true). She wants to live in another town, another house... and no mother. I cannot blame her one bit. I hope she takes consolation in the awesome cats, if Colt lets her touch them (he may be peculiar about other people trying to develop relationships with his cats). Debbie wastes no time trash-talking Larissa and calling her mean and selfish. "Unless she changes there is no future for either one of them here" she weeps. I have no pity for her. Colt and Larissa are as poorly matched as Debbie's sharpie eyebrows. This marriage will be short, miserable, and Debbie will prevail on her son/lover.

Ken Bewbies & Barbie Bewbies: Fernanda, never mind the thong. There's no moldy vaginal discharge on them, right? After 3 years? Maybe it's because Jonathan is the one wearing them. He likes the feel of lace synthetic silk on his skin. No shame in that. Rather than worrying about his hordes of old girlfriends, I'd keep an eye out on his male friend who admits he finds Jonathan attractive to his own girlfriend, then looks at him longingly and stabs you in public by droning on about Mexicans being criminals... drug dealers and rapists, anyone? It was sad to see Fernanda break down in next week's preview when Jonathan's mean and jealous female friend cruelly told her that he didn't want to get married. Cheater Chaser and Heavy Sack Jay: It's hard to care about these two, she's hunting for potential cheaters while unconvincingly pretending that she doesn't like being cheated on. The most sincere thing she said was complaining about him being 20 yrs old and feeling the "pressure" to keep him satisfied... if she fails to satisfy him it will give him a license to cheat... all her chess pieces are already laid out on the board for his future infidelity, and her enjoyment of the ensuing drama. Steve-O and Matryoshka Doll (right? crack her open and there's a smaller doll inside): "He's just a mess" sighs his hippie grandmother, who should worry more about him obtaining gainful employment than his ability to take care of an infant. How can he afford a K1? A trip to Russia, 8 hours away from Moscow? Did he even graduate high school? Can he turn skating, loitering and spray painting graffiti into a lucrative career? PSA: The idea of sex education may make some people uncomfortable, bicker about the content, and the age at which it's taught... but hearing this moron go on TV and say "IT ONLY TAKES ONE TIME" and "NOT USING PROTECTION" without being a bit self-conscious about his irresponsible behavior is the whole reason why we teach it to kids as young as possible... in the hopes that it sticks. Someone is enabling him big time, rewarding his foolishness with a girl, a baby, a trip, and a visa application. More to come... saving the best couples for last.

I didn't see a thread for tonight's episode... I hope I did it right.