Toaster Strudel

The boom boom smell is getting stale in there.

We've seen glimpses of her mercenary, shrew-like character. Passive-aggressive standoffish-ness at the zoo, clenched mistrust of Ashley's kindlier overtures, explosive anger at the prospect of answering questions, the steely provocation in challenging Sister David to take care of the children she most certainly would be having, Annie is just nasty. Is David's constant stream of faux-pologies, condescendingly telling people he offended to "move on," fast and unctuous agreement with all criticism of him (to get it over with), and dated pop psychology talk getting on her last nerve? Perhaps. But what was she expecting from marrying a penniless, avid sex tourist? Daily boom-boom at the homeless shelter is in her future. She is as loathsome as he is, and if there is any justice they will make each other miserable.

As long as he fusses over May, Nicole isn't molesting him. May is his shield. If I've learned one thing in life, it's that you can never be too cynical.

Juan is bi and he sexts with Pao all the time. They are sexting addicts. Nothing else makes sense.

Paola is probably Rh negative (10% of women are). Women that are Rh negative have devastating problems carrying a baby to term unless the man is also Rh negative. Pao already had a miscarriage, which means she's already sensitized. It's not good news.

What do you do with a laser? Start fires, kill frogs, play the banjo. I was disappointed in the verdict since the rednecks confessed in the hallterview.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow's righteous hoarder.

I too believe Molly is very concerned about losing Olivia, her personal driver. How will she get to work?

No drivers' license due to multiple DUIs.

Holy Gyproc! - So much untold emotional baggage involved in a hole in the wall, which was this wide and this tall, roughly the size of a portal to another dimension. So, a pretty big hole in the wall. Backstory: adopted daughter allowed mom to say with her for a while along with mom's new adopted daughter (I assume adopted because she looked way beyond childbearing age). In addition to slashing her adopted daughter's tires and hitting her car with a baseball bat, she also smashed the drywall. "I didun do it, I dunno how the hole in the wall got there, there is no hole in the wall" whined the defiant defendant. Adopted daughter, who seemed very kindly, level headed, and had her act together, brought with her a very credible witness. Meanwhile, Adoptive Mom Of The Year was making stupid "OMG" faces during her entire testimony, and kept shouting out "unbelievable" "you outta be ashamed of yourself" "oh mah god!" Her motives to adopt children might not be so noble. The best part was from the daughter in the hallterview: "The landlord said if we didn't put her out, WE had to get out." Well well well. I bet there's more to that story. 4 GAVELS. Almost Married... Parents! - We know how much JJ hates to adjudicate the "almost-married" so you can imagine how annoyed she was with this case. It did have an interesting twist. The plaintiff, who landed one of the dudes from ZZ Top, was suing the defendant (mom's ex-boyfriend with whom she lived for 25 years without the benefit of marriage, harlot!) for mortgage payments on the house he shared with her mother. Mother had put 25K down, but he paid the mortgage and the house repairs all these years. When he was kicked out for domestic violence, and had a restraining order placed against him, he went to live in a hotel then some apartment. Meanwhile, Mother couldn't pay for the mortgage, the house would have foreclosed so the daughter stepped in to pay it until the house was sold. They did sell the house quickly, and Mother & Boyfriend each got over 300K. The daughter was suing him for those last few mortgage payments, and justified this by saying that if she hadn't, her mother would have been in the streets, the house foreclosed, and no one would have gotten a red cent out of it. BZZZZZZZZZT! No. JJ would have none of it, and after she heard of the windfall, she blasted the plaintiff: "ask your mother!" The daughter raged after the verdict: "she let a criminal off!" "despicable human being" "an animal just walked away" - daughter was way too heavily invested in this BS. JJ is right, ah-collect from your mom. 3.5 GAVELS. Benny Hill & Kim Davis - I bet you didn't know these two well-known, outstanding Christians were an "almost married" item for years! Benny Hill got the dinette set, but he didn't prevail on the weight set and "living expenses." He still loves Kim. How romantic. I would have given this one gavel, but I'm adding an extra 0.5 for merciful brevity. 1.5 GAVELS.

Reviewing a JJ triathlon: Deal With Your Child In Foster Care! - Get outta here! You flew across the country for $300 that you didn't earn! Goodbye! JJ had no love for the plaintiff who was living off her 21 yr old son and was suing her grandma for rent... for the three weeks she slept on the floor without a mattress. Girl wanted $930 rent! Grandma (who spoke with a potato in her mouth) wanted to meet some dude she met online on Facebook (I wanted to know if it was Nigerian scammer, but this juicy stream was left unexplored) while she was there and borrowed $300, but JJ wouldn't give it to the plaintiff because it was really her son's money... I thought it was harsh but then her youngest (decades younger than the eldest) was taken away from both parents and put in foster care so, no pity from me. 3.5 GAVELS. Dueling Kinfolk - It was a sad in the Squinty Eyed Family when the matriarch left for the Great Beyond having cashed in her funeral insurance. If Nice Bro did care for his mom for 14 years, and his siblings didn't, then he didn't deserve a dressing down because his mother raised him as a child, but rather, a good word for doing the right thing even if his Nasty Sister didn't. In the end he totally agreed he should pay half, but sister was paranoid about the whole thing. There's probably more to the story since they are now estranged. 2.5 GAVELS Undertaker Softball - The mortician did a rubbish job on the defendant, he looked like an overly embalmed lump of white Play-Do with stuck-on circus peanut ears. He pretty much admitted he got too lazy to embroider the back of some ugly caps as agreed upon with the plaintiff. All the caps were returned to the bald defendant, so it's a happy ending as he is not all kitted up to never have to worry about getting cranium sunburn. 1 GAVEL.

Mister Herman! - Sketchy realtor plaintiff shows up without evidence except some paperwork that JJ unceremoniously rejected as possibly fraudulent. Show. Me. The Harassment! Alas no supporting document of said harassment was forthcoming. It was, protested the discombobulated plaintiff, the "tone of his emails" which I take to means that the defendant didn't put enough smileys :) at the end of his sentences. The defendant had his act together, was smart, classy and polite. Is there a point having tenants living for free to protect against vandalism, if they trash the house after being evicted for non-payment of rent? TWO GAVELS :( Canopy Carnage- The defendant who can't tell a dandelion from a palm tree is no botanist, and after seeing the brutal manner in which he butchered off the branches with what must have been hand grenades, he is no arborist, either. He left the trunks and the main branches up with mutilated jagged edges and shrapnel, perhaps as a warning to the other trees? My theory is that he was hard up for cash and decided to assassinate Groot and his ilk so that he could get paid, and get paid now. Maybe because the litigants in the episode below were waiting for him to "party." THREE AXES Lifetimes Of Drugs And Alcohol - This case was fantastic. At last we know what Jessica Rabbit would look like with meth mouth and osteoporosis! I don't know about you, but it was killing me not to know this. The mouth breathing defendant, Liver Cirrhosis Popeye, spoke incoherently (not surprising, since he was probably pickled) and lives with his momma (she must be 100) until he "gets on his feet" which I understand to mean "dies." His unilateral cataract was distracting, but as long as he can still see the vodka bottle, he's probably OK. The thought of a love triangle between this Prince, the rode-hard plaintiff, and some other substance-abusing, baseball-bat yielding Lothario reminded me of that SNL skit where Kate McKinnon tries to pick up the last person left at the bar's closing. FOUR ADDICTIVE GAVELS

The woman who got snookered by unverified claims that salted cabbage can regrow limbs and make you live to 400 yrs, who called herself "intelligent": no, you're not intelligent at all, you're bloody stupid. I don't know what drugs Jilly is taking but it must be good stuff. I don't think I've ever seen such a brazen, unrepentant liar in my life. Phil calls her out on her BS and she smiles authoritatively "of course!" She sounded very knowledged. Dr Phil ain't used to that kind of inteligment! (raise your hand if you pick up the reference!)

Bumpty Hoopty - Dry mouthed liar denies, denies, and denies some more hitting the plaintiff's car with her Garbage Mobile. You know Judge Judy has been doing this show for far too long when she picks up non-words like "overlapsed insurance" and uses them like they're legit. The defendant was infuriating (and entertaining) because she would say something and contradict herself in the next sentence. Yes she had insurance. But it was overlapsed. So, she had insurance! She just didn't pay for it... and no license, I wonder why. Yes she did pay the ticket for no insurance, even though she had no insurance, but, erm, she didn't pay the ticket... even though she did! After seeing her Hoarder Junker hit the car on the video, she agreed she hit it, but no she didn't hit it. Besides she couldn't have done that damage. JJ then orders her to waddle over to watch the TV with her nose touching it. She sees the collision again... and she still babbles about not having touched it. The counterclaim for kidnapping was a hoot. Miss No-License-No-Insurance was definitely plotting a hit and run with her Vehicular Landfill. Thank you JJ for using the defendant's boyfriend Yosemite Sam in a legal example to show she was rightfully held up, and not kidnapped. 4.5 COLLIDING GAVELS. Phone Plan Christmas - Judge Judy, you're not alone hating phone cases. "You don't have to buy me anything since you've been so generous" does not turn a loan into a gift. This case earns ONE GAVEL solely for JJ mocking and repeating the defendant's insolent, nasal "Whaddyamean?" Hairy Beach Appetizer - Little dog off-leash, 60 yards from negligent plaintiff, goes off to pester a pitbull (I'm guessing, but I'm guessing right) who now has to be muzzled and leashed at all times, and gets half eaten for his initiative. Yes the plaintiff was being totally legal. Jumping out of a 12th floor window is also legal, but it's not the pavement's fault when I hit it and turn into a human pancake. But your honor, look at this cute picture of my dogbaby wearing a life jacket! I'm so responsible! No you're not. She should be well aware that on a beach with unleashed dogs, there is a fair chance her canine hors d'oeuvre will come across a mauler waiting for a snack unencumbered of chewy collars and leashes. Plaintiff has to eat the $4000+ vet fees. 3.5 GAVELS. Where Do I Sign Up For The Six Flags Meal Plan? - Is that for real? For $300 a year, you can have 3 meals a day at Six Flags for the whole year? Why doesn't the government team up with Six Flags and ditch the food stamps? That's 27 cents a meal! The defendant was nasty. Entitled, bold, and cranky. Could it be a side effect of the Six Flag diet of cotton candy, chili dogs and frozen fries? 3.5 GAVELS, and no more "free rides!"

And his dumb sister is all up in arms like he's a saint and Anfisa is a sinner. Jorge's sister is as loathsome as he is Here is a list of phrases that her poor innocent victim of a brother uttered on the show. He's warning the viewers that one day he will murder a woman: I want revenge I'll be mean I'm just resentful I just went off I lied to hurt her I'm gonna make you look bad You don't think, you just react

Hush! I'm Reading Your Rap Sheet - Do share! No closeup that we can pause and read? :sadface: I didn't know people lined up to buy mustard and white sneakers. Maybe it's just me but I found them cheap looking and hideous. I'm not sure what happened here, there were two boxes, only one was received, one was empty, the dates were wrong, "how much do sneakers weigh, Byrd?" I'm surprised she accepted the rap sheet as evidence and looked at it, ultimately, it's what convinced her to rule for the plaintiffs (I think!). Girlfriend's audacity in counter-suing because they rang her doorbell where she lived with the scamming defendant was rewarded with three emphatic "Go home with your boyfriend, Goodbye!" Go JJ. - 3 AIR GAVELS. Don't Lie, Bobbie Blue - Ah! Some dumb case about some dumb old Mustang that big sister gave Bobbie Blue, who drives around another dumb car without a license for no reason that she could articulate. It turns out, mom's dumb boyfriend was driving the Mustang, and she gave (or loaned!) big sister some money to put towards another car. Why would that be a loan? JJ didn't fall for it either. In the Hallterview, the plaintiff agreed that the decision against her was fair! Well then why couldn't you fix it among yourselves? 2 DUMB GAVELS. #QAnon #PizzagateIsReal #Adrenochrome - Don't look up these hashtags if you want to preserve your sanity. I have a feeling that the plaintiff is all up in this nonsense. In her testimony she made it sound like the police were covering something up, and I found it very unsettling, even if she wasn't particularly convincing. But then we caught a glimpse of deeper issues like "anger management" and repeated nuisance calls in what seemed to probably be multiple jurisdictions. What I really wanted to know is if the daughter was estranged from the mother to escape the crazy. That's a real possibility. As is the daughter not being able to escape... I remember watching a special on Elizabeth Smart, and the cop really had to work through her denials to get to the truth. I'm leaning on the plaintiff being bonkers because of the anger management - and maybe the daughter is a drug addict. As to the lawyer, the contract has four corners! Oh wait... not this one. I get he didn't do all that much, and his out-of-pocket expenses are not relevant (overhead etc), but technically he didn't really have to deliver on the first item for $2500 so I was pretty "meh" on the decision, it could have gone either way. Allison Mack slams 4.5 GAVELS

What a moron, barbecuing himself in the sun hacking at a log that, if he had a brain, he should have anticipated was going to weigh a ton. And for what? Firewood, where branches and twigs would have done the job.

Same with co-signing. If the bank, who has easy access to lawyers and collections agencies, thinks you're too high a lending risk for them... hard pass!

Schmoozing The Landlord - First case was boring, some dispute about a security deposit that involved the defendant "schmoozing with the landlord" to get an unfair eviction notice on her room mate, who was fancily clad in custom-tailored garbage bags. "You continued to sleep with him" accused Judge Judy. "I had no choice!" protested the defendant #MeToo, I guess. My favorite part was the hallterview. Said the plaintiff: "I wish her the best but I wish I truck would hit her." TWO HONKING GAVELS. Whack! Whack! Whack! - What I would give to enjoy 5 minutes of all that background entertainment that was going on in the tweeker plaintiff's head. It changed every 3 seconds. Cracking knuckles before a bar fight, dropping beats in rap videos, enacting Adam Levine stage signature moves, playing dank bass, watching mind blowing fireworks happening right there on the podium surface, giving JJ the coy eyes, beaming with pride announcing that his psycho girlfriend (you know how girls get sometimes?) is going back to school, humble-bragging about his janky hoopty (a 2004 BMW)... what an ever-changing mental landscape! All wrapped up in polka dots, too. One shout out of "where's my mattress!" and JJ had her fill and ruled in favor of the man-bunned defendant so that he can repaint a white wall for a generous $500. The plaintiff will have to return to his mooching lifestyle and his big craigslist promotion and street poster business, assisted by his wine-tossing girlfriend. FOUR GAVELS.

I can't watch today until 9PM but if they're good, I'll recap. Thanks for all the encouragement!

I'll Take The Birkenstocks - Hard pass on the obsolete camera from the uncle. The new Samsung Galaxy takes better pictures than my clunky Canon D-SLR with the different lenses. The mention of jewelry and cuff links being an appropriate high value gift to counter that of a used camera was a classic Judge-Judy-ism. Cuff links are so seventy years ago. It did not escape my notice that the plaintiff (objection!) didn't want to bother dragging that crappy camera on her trip to Southeast Asia. If she's going to Hawaii and SEA in a short period of time, her family is probably well off and can easily absorb the loss of their least-favorite camera. It was a gift. A pair of sandals for $100 isn't bad. 2.5 GAVELS. Benjamin Is A Dummy - Even JJ got caught judging that book by its cover. Benjamin was good looking, soft-spoken, cleanly dressed, but turned out to be just another vacuous man-Barbie with sloth-like habits. The funniest part was the hallterview, with his mom earnestly defending that she didn't owe the chemistry tutor a dime since he flunked. Sure, mom, the audience is really going to be on your side with this theory. Like mother, like son. 2.5 GAVELS.

I couldn't give that one mere gavels, I rated it in doses of methadone.

Mace and Maple Syrup - What a ride! New York's hottest club has everything. Captain Uncle Fester Save-a-Ho-With-Child Disrobing mid-case to show off bare shoulders Slack-jawed waif who had the expression of someone watching a snuff movie scene in the middle of Finding Nemo Tears and tissues A mile-high file at CPS A child born addicted to oxys and whatever else Uncross your arms x3 A disputed pitbull named Molly that a whole village depends on for emotional stability "YOU ARE ALL NUTS" Flying water bowls, maple syrup floor lubrication and a mist of mace Judge Judy angrily adjudicating in favor of the plaintiff like it's a punishment (and it is!) FIVE DOSES OF METHADONE! I hope they come back with a follow up lawsuit when he sues her for smashing his house windows and that Judge Judy remembers the defendant's smug, self-satisfied expression when she fleetingly thought she was going to win the dog just because she's bonkers and a danger to society.

I didn't take it to mean he was dumb. His demeanor was straight forward and guileless, the details all made sense (and later confirmed by the defendant). I agree that he didn't seem able to fake it or make it up. He was screaming "honest guy" to me.

Polyamorous Pauper looked like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys. Same glasses, and with a beard. I'd like to know why not one, but two women were willing to hitch their wagon to... this dim rock that's not going anywhere. But who knows, maybe he was just a conduit for the ladies to hook up and ditch him later, except it didn't work out between them. Fowl Fatalities - Of course the pitbull owners pretend it wasn't their dogs, have no insurance, and take no responsibility. Maybe there is some truth to the trope "it's the owner, not the breed" because pitbulls tend to attract shitty owners. Such as the ones whose dogs attacked 4-5 people in Nanaimo today, spirited the dogs away in their car from the mauling scene, leaving everyone behind bleeding and screaming without calling for an ambulance. I'm glad JJ gave the small time poultry farmer $5000. "Mean JJ" gave the owners their just take down. JJ especially warned the wife not to take the stand, but no, she thought she could outsmart JJ when she's on fire against injustice. She drilled her with the perfect questions and tone to get her to admit the plaintiff's witness was totally truthful. She started out defiant, but within seconds I could tell she realized that this wasn't going well for her at all. She looked terrified. Feline Torture - Who leaves a cat alone in a tiny room for a whole week? Imagine the insecurity, stress, and mind-boggling boredom for the poor animal. Defendant was really sketchy, had no facts, but the plaintiff didn't have a legal leg to stand on. Diaper Trash - Get it? It's a word play on diaper rash. Landlady didn't have an itemized invoice, plaintiffs looked like trouble makers. Not a good match.