Heathen

Dumb and Dumber spent $145 on shoes for a toddler who will outgrow them before they're even slightly worn out?! Good gawd. They remind me of my idiot sister and slightly less stupid brother-in-law, who spent $100 on Air Jordans for a toddler at a time when neither of them was working. Hmm. Sounds familiar.

Titles for her future ghostwritten bio: Carlin and a mirror: a love story. Performative: the life of Carlin (Bates) Stewart.

Well, they don't believe in science unless it suits their beliefs (see: Kelly and her progesterone treatments). And they grew up like they lived in a sty, so no, they don't care about cleanliness. I'm surprised their houses aren't visibly cluttered, although they are carefully curated for social media so who knows.

I have to say, Eff Kelly. It's not Tori's or anyone else's job to make Kelly happy, not to mention Kelly and her idiot husband pimped out their children for cash and fame. Kelly should have been working to make Tori happy.

Not to mention Josie's long hair in the cookies. Duggar-style. I see the Balkas' house is almost as neutral and boring as the Stewarts'. What is that thing above their range that is not a vent hood nor a microwave?

That's a damn shame. The Smith grandparents are those kids' only chance to see how normal people live. Is the Kelly/Gil house really that bad? Like "white socks instantaneously turn brown" bad? Now I need to go clean something.

Likely the same reason Josie and Co. got one. It's the new fundie must-have. I hope those mirrors are anchored by a professional lest a child or pet get squashed. Adults would be fine.

I didn't really follow the Bateses when the Smiths were courting. Was Tori as over-the-top, attention-whoring, irritating as Carlin? What changed besides kids? I don't understand why Bobby doesn't go the vocational route like Kelton. It would give him something else in common with Kelton, plus his office pay isn't going to support 16 kids, or however many Tori ends up having. Unless Kelton overpays him to keep the Smith kids from living in Bates-style poverty. It did stop Erin. She had three miscarriages in short order before Carson. 🙄

It hasn't slowed her rate of reproducing, though.

I think some of Bobby's aging is his long, thin face. He looks like Randy Travis to me, and RT looked older even when he was in his twenties. But yeah, four kids in less than four years would do me in.

It's the counterpoint to Carlin's slicked-flat, center-part non-style. I kind of hope Zade has a diaper blowout on her white dress. Wherever could they find one?!

Everything in their lives is performative, except for actually raising their children. I feel sorry for Layla and Zade.

Holy crap, does IV look like III. They look happy -- happier than a lot of fundie families, and the kids look clean and fed.

"Irish twins" are siblings born less than a year apart. Jeds 1 and 2 won't be. I guess Jed has found his role in life -- trying to catch up to his parents. I wonder if there's some unspoken Jed/Jeb rivalry going on, too. If so, Jim Bob and Mullet might be up to 39 in a few years. Better or worse than openly being pregnant by Nathan Bates? Let's debate!

I wonder if, in Carlin's teeny tiny underutilized brain, she gives her kids too much sugar because she didn't get treats as a kid. No idea what Evan's problem is, except that he's left the Stewarts and cleaved to the Bateses. Leave and cleave, baby. I think Carlin has a lot of issues that stem from being one of a litter, neither the oldest nor the youngest, neither the smartest nor the special-est, not the prettiest or the most talented. Add all that to a needy, attention-whoring personality, and you get Carlin.

No, but Dumb and Dumber have reason to lie. I think even they realize how much blowback they'd get if a toddler who eats a high-sugar diet had cavities; thus, they kept it quiet. I sincerely hope that Layla doesn't have any cavities. But I wouldn't be surprised if she did.

I also wouldn't want to eat at a table where a kid's dirty, bare feet, dirty hands, and diapered butt had recently been lounging.

I can't blame him.

Carter coming back from vacation the day his sub-I started struck me as weird even in 1995. The best part about the Coburn-Benton conversation was Benton turning around to look at Carter, and Carter's unmistakable "oh shit" expression. Classic.

Pretty much all fundies are. But she seems to be singled out for hate even though there are a shit ton of other fundies who need snark. @Zella, I wasn't thinking of you specifically.

The Spiveys don't have a freakishly large family, and their kids are well spaced. To me, that says some form of birth control and/or not Duggarly fertile. (Duggarly is a word now.) I don't get the Hillary hate here.

It hasn't been two years yet.

Or Zach. But I think Nathan and Trace are the worst. When I was a teenager, a friend's ex had a new girlfriend who looked a LOT like Nathan. I may have to start calling him Renee. Reneethan Bates, or Renathan Bates. You guys vote!

He's the one I always thought of as Ferret Face Bates. Trace isn't much better.

He looks like he escaped from an exhibit at the zoo. If there is a gawd, please let that child look like her mother.