I Once Took A Donkey And Some Honeycomb Into... : Jokes!

[Mindthinkr]

[Whimsy]

Just a gentle reminder that all of the PTV site rules (be civil, no politics, racism, etc.) need to be followed, even in the joke thread.  Any jokes that don't follow these rules will be immediately removed.

[RealityCheck]

ROAD SIGN

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway.  But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.  The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.  So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.  The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up.  So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks.  Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."   He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling.  Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him.  "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."  And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign.  There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood.  And written in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

[RealityCheck]

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

"Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Mindthinkr]

[MrSmith]

On 9/23/2017 at 0:54 AM, riley702 said:

I don't get it. Yes, I feel dumb.

It's ok. It was dumb. To be honest, it was actually part of a conversation I was having with my wife one night. I don't know why I wanted her to be able see my eyes, and I asked her both questions before stopping to consider that it was dark. So now you can laugh at me, instead of with me!

[RealityCheck]

A man owned a small farm in Oregon. Upon reviewing the records, someone from The Oregon Labor Department thought the owner was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent.

The farmer said, "That would be me."

[Mindthinkr]

Notification To All Staff Regarding Foul Language 

 

It has been brought to the atttention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to the complaints, this type of language will not be tolerated. However, we do realize the importance of staff being able to express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With have compiled a list of acceptable responses and code phrases to allow for proper exchange of ideas. 

Old Phrases.                                                                       New Phrases 

No fvcking way.                                                           I'm fairly sure that's not feasible 

Your fvcking joking.                                                    Really? 

Who fvcking cares.                                                     Are you sure that's the problem 

No fvcker told me that.                                               I wasn't involved in that project

Eat sh#t and die.                                                         You don't say

Eat sh#t and die you motherfvcker.                          You don't say, Sir

He's a fvcking prick.                                                   He is somewhat intense

She's a ball busting bitch.                                          She's an aggressive go-getter

Kiss my arse.                                                                So you would like me to help you 

He hasn't got a fvcking clue.                                     He could do with more training 

This place is fvcked.                                                   We're a bit disorganized today 

What sort of fvckwit are you.                                    You're new here aren't you

Fvck off sh#t head.                                                    Well there you go now

You're a fvcking wanker.                                            You are my supervisor and I respect you

You're fvcking paranoid.                                             So you think we are talking about you

You're fvcking useless.                                               So you think you're not up to it

Fvck off                                                                         I'll look into it and get back to you

Fvck off dickhead.                                                       I no longer require your assistance 

How did you get this piece of sh#t to work.             Well done 

You fvcking loser.                                                         Gee, you're very fortunate 

[RealityCheck]

TWO NEW ELEMENTS ON THE PERIODIC TABLE

Element: WOMAN

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)

Physical Properties: surface usually covered in painted film. Generally round in form.  Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly.  Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver. platinum, and precious stone.  Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food.  Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

Usage: Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.  An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth.  Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

-----------------------------

Element: MAN

Symbol: XY

Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#&*!

Atomic Weight: 180+/-100

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape.  Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.  Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get.  Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself.  Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time.  Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None really, except methane production.  Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

[Sandman87]

On 10/2/2017 at 6:09 AM, SirOsisOfLiver said:

Computer Haiku

Nit-picking here, but a traditional haiku has something in the second line that's connected to one of the seasons (kigo). Like so:

Error: Hard drive full

Blame the "Spring Break Pics" folder

Too much sexy porn

[RealityCheck]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

[RealityCheck]

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

1. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. LAW OF PROBABILITY: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. LAW OF THE TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. VARIATION LAW: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. BATH THEOREM: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. LAW OF BIO-MECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. THEATER RULE: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. MURPHY'S LAW OF LOCKERS: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. LAW OF DIRTY RUGS/CARPETS: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. LAW OF LOCATION: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. BROWN'S LAW: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. OLIVER'S LAW: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. WILSON'S LAW: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

[RealityCheck]

There is a lot pilots have to take into account when hauling your a$$ across the sky...

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.  If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.  That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool.  When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.  A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.  Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.  Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.  The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

[Mindthinkr]

[Moose135]

I've heard - and told - most of those pilot things, and most of them are really based on the truth.  One other that I like:

Three rules for aviation:

1 - Don't fly at night

2 - Don't fly in the weather

3 - Never touch the red guarded switches

[RealityCheck]

BUMPER STICKERS

• Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

• Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

• OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

• It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

• Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.

• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

• We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.

• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

• Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

• Keep honking. . . I'm reloading

• Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

• On the other hand, you have different fingers.

• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

[walnutqueen]

Another bumper sticker:

Rehab is for quitters.

[Mindthinkr]

[RealityCheck]

MAJOR US RESEARCH UNIVERSITY DISCOVERS NEW ELEMENT

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major US research university.  The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0.  However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons.  This gives it an atomic mass of 312.  These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.  However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.  According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second.  Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.  Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere.  It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities.  It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate.  Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

[RealityCheck]

DRIVING SCHOOL EXAM

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school...

Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A. What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A. The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q. What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A. Always wear a condom.

Q. When driving through fog, what should you use?
A. Your car.

Q. How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A. Be too shit faced to find your keys.

Q. What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A. I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A. I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A. I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A. Make eye contact and wave "hello" if they're cute.

Q. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A. The color.

Q. How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A. Heavy psychedelics.

Q. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A. Carry loaded military grade weapons.

[Mindthinkr]

[RealityCheck]

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven.  Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.

"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say....LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!

[RealityCheck]

AND YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS ...

This man was in a work related accident, so he filled out an insurance claim.  The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form.  I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident.  You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.

"I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower.  When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware.  Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which was fortunately attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.  Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel.  Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools.  You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds.  Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower.  In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down.  This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.  Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.  Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.  At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds.  I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.  As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up.  This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.  The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.  I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope...

[RealityCheck]

EGOTIST

• If nobody's perfect I must be nobody.

• I used to be conceited but now I'm perfect.

• My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

• My only flaw is that I'm perfect.

• Remember there is no I in team... (But there is an M and an E)

• An egotist has one point in his favor - he doesn't go around talking about other people!

• Don't believe that sort of rubbish, unless you hear it from me.

• I'm so great I'm jealous of myself.

• Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

• Save time... see it my way.

[riley702]

5 hours ago, RealityCheck said:

EGOTIST

• Remember there is no I in team... (But there is an M and an E)

[RealityCheck]

T-SHIRT SAYINGS

• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

• The beatings will continue until morale improves.

• I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

• There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

• I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

• A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

• If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.

• Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

• Don't be so open-minded; your brains fall out.

• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

• If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

• Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

• It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

• Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

• Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.

• Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

• Do witches run spell checkers?

• Half of the people in the world are below average.

• I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.

• If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

• Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

• Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

• Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

• Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

• The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. -- Salvador Dali

• If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

• When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

• The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

• Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

• A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

• It's lonely at the top but you eat better.

• Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

• A company is judged by the president it keeps.

[RealityCheck]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud . Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

Now what the hell would you say?

[Mindthinkr]

[RealityCheck]

SOME DAYS IT'S JUST NOT WORTH GETTING OUT OF BED

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper some time ago:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen.  The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear.  The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.  The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.  The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.  After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.  Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.  After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.  He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.  After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming.  She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor again.  His trousers had been blown away, and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.  The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.  The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.

The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.  While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.  She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out.  He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.

And you thought *you* had a bad day?

[RealityCheck]

A man goes to see the Rabbi.  "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"  The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."  The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"  The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"  The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours.  You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[RealityCheck]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or crawl in a hole.  Here are a few Testimonials of a few people who did...

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked,  How much do you charge for a shampoo and blow job?

I walked into a golf store comparing different types of golf balls.  I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.  After browsing for a few minutes, I was aproached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store.  He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, I think I like playing with men's balls.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?  A three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training. I was on him all the time.  One day at Taco Bell, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked the baby's diaper,  She was clean, Oh lord, little Danny must have had an accident, and I don't have a change of clothes.  "Danny, did you have an accident," "No," he replied.  I knew for sure he had an accident because the smell was getting worse, so I asked him one more time,  "Are you sure you didn't have an accident."  This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOMMY, IT'S JUST FARTS."

[RealityCheck]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.  She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.  The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.  The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.  She has the title and everything checks out.  The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.  An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $18.41.  The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $18.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Mindthinkr]

[RealityCheck]

A burglar broke into a house one night.  He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.  When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.  Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.  Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you!"

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?

"The same kind of people that would name a Pit Bull, Jesus," replied the bird.

[RealityCheck]

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses.  They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly.  They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.  Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.  Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.  Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

[RealityCheck]

Many years ago there was a huge oil refinery fire. Flames shot hundreds of feet into the air.  The sky was thick with grimy black smoke.  The heat was intense - so intense that firefighters had to park their trucks a block away and wait for the heat to die down before they could begin to fight the fire.  However, it was about to rage out of control.

Then, all of a sudden, from several blocks away came a fire truck racing down the street.  With its brakes screeching, it hit the curb in front of the fire.  The firefighters jumped out and began to battle the blaze.  All the firefighters who were parked a block away saw this, and they jumped into their trucks, drove down the block and began to fight the fire, too.  As a result of that cooperative effort, they were just barely able to bring the fire under control.

The people who saw this teamwork thought, "My goodness, the man who drove that lead fire truck - what an act of bravery!"  They decided to give him a special award to recognize him for his bravery in leading the charge.

At the ceremony the mayor said, "Captain, we want to honor you for a fantastic act of bravery.  You prevented the loss of property, perhaps even the loss of life.  If there is one special thing you could have - just about anything - what would it be?"

Without hesitation, the captain replied, "Your Honor, a new set of brakes would be dandy!"

[Petunia13]

[RealityCheck]

John invited his mother over for dinner.  During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but noticing how beautiful John's roommate was.  She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this had only made her more curious.  Over the  course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. 

You don't suppose she took it, do you? "

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." 

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.  But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not  saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie.  But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Love, Mom

[RealityCheck]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.  He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.  He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."  The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.  "Ribbit 9 Iron."  He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron.  Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.  He is shocked.  He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.  You must be a lucky frog, eh?"  The frog reply's "Ribbit.  Lucky Frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.  "What do you think frog?" the man asks.  "Ribbit.  3 Wood."  The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!  Hole in one.  The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.  By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok, where to next?"  The frog reply, "Ribbit.  Las Vegas."  They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?"  The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."  Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"  The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."  Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.  Boom!  Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.  He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.  You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."  The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."  He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.  With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 17-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.  That is my story and I'm sticking to it."

[RealityCheck]

WORDS TO LIVE BY

• I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

• Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

• Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

• Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

• I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"

• My Reality Check bounced.

• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

• I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

• You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

• Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

[JTMacc99]

A few weeks ago I mentioned that I heard a the great Norm MacDonald do a bit about the 24 hour news channels. It was the quick side bit about what happens when you get hope about halfway through that got me, but the whole thing is really funny. 

I found it online, and it's too good not to share:

http://dai.ly/x2swmdt

[RealityCheck]

LIFE'S LITTLE MOMENTS OF DESTRUCTION

• The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.

• Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

• Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.

• Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

• Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.

• I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

• Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

• When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

• Work is the curse of the drinking class.

• I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.

• There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.

• Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

• It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.

• He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

• I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

• I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

• Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.

• I worship the ground that awaits you.

• I wish you were a beer.

• Love means telling you why you're sorry.

• Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

• I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

• Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?

• The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

• You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

• We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

• I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.

• It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.

• I'm not cynical. Just experienced.

• I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.

• I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem.

• It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.

[Petunia13]

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? 

-

For drizzle 

[Mindthinkr]

[Petunia13]

[Mindthinkr]

[RealityCheck]

PHILOSOPHIES OF LIFE

• Conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

• No one is listening until you make a mistake.

• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

• The severity of the itch is proportional to the length of the reach.

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

• Two wrongs are only the beginning.

• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

• Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand!

• Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

• Death to all fanatics!

• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

• Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

• Beware of geeks bearing gifs.

• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you....

[Qoass]

A bumper sticker I saw on the way to work this morning:

Midwives Help People Out.

[walnutqueen]

My first job was in an orange juice factory.  But I couldn't concentrate, so I got canned.

Then I was a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

[RealityCheck]

MURPHY'S LAW OF WORK

• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

• Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

• Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a d*mn fool about it.

• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

• Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

• Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

• Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

• To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

• The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong ... until the next person quits or is fired.

• There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

• The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.

• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

• People are always available for work in the past tense.

• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

• You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

• No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

• When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

• The longer the title, the less important the job.

• Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

• An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

• Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

• All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

• Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

• The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

• If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

• It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

• Following the rules will not get the job done.

• Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

• Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in a hard days work.